All shows / Best Of Album - 2008 - Sweet Berry Wine
Sweet Berry Wine - Track 8 - Dr. Phil
2008
Best Of Album - 2008 - Sweet Berry WineKIOZRock 105.3
hypochondriaworkplace frustrationbad advicepractical jokesshock therapy parodyhypochondriaccoworkermikeydr philbird flutumorshock therapy
A listener wrote to Mikey about a coworker whose constant fears of bird flu, tumors and other diseases had become exhausting. A mock Dr. Phil argued that the cure was shock therapy, while the other hosts repeatedly challenged him to give serious advice. His escalating bits involved melted chocolate on a desk, a fake medical report and a ketchup-filled sneeze accompanying a false hepatitis C diagnosis. He ended with an even cruder family anecdote about the so-called Dutch prison, leaving the hosts disgusted rather than convinced.
What happened, in order
The Hypochondriac Coworker
A listener asks Mikey how to handle a coworker who repeatedly claims to have illnesses ranging from bird flu to a tumor.
Dr. Phil Takes the Case
A mock Dr. Phil declares the email a delicate medical matter and recalls an unnamed former coworker who always believed something was wrong with her.
Chocolate-Bar Therapy
Dr. Phil proposes melting a chocolate bar in the back of the listener's pants and leaving the mess on the hypochondriac's desk as shock therapy.
The Fake Medical Report
After the hosts demand serious advice, Dr. Phil tells the listener to print a fake medical report and put ketchup in both nostrils.
The Hepatitis Scare
Dr. Phil completes the prank by suggesting the listener announce a positive hepatitis C result and fake-sneeze ketchup onto the coworker.
The Dutch Prison
Dr. Phil recommends a crude under-the-covers prank that his father supposedly used on his hypochondriac mother, who blamed it for giving her a stroke.
People mentioned
830 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Tell me what you guys think of this email. It says, hey Mikey, what's up? Love the show. Had to write in and tell you about one of my co-workers. He drives me nuts because he's such a hypochondriac. Every week he comes in and thinks he has some new disease. It's really stupid. He thought he had the avian bird flu for a while. Well, could have. We don't know. Now he thinks he has a tumor. How can I get this guy to shut up and stop thinking he's dying every week? Thanks, signed P1, flinch. Let me tell you, this is a medical matter. That's true. I'm not a doctor. Today on Dr. Phil, I want you to get excited about your life. If you're going to talk to me, you're going to have to be honest. This is going to be a changing day in your life. Let me adjust my lavalier microphone here. There we go. Oh, nice. Put that sucker on there. Well, it's wonderful. I think that this is an interesting email that y'all got here. For sure. And so let me respond to this fella. This is a problem that I have had with a coworker of mine as well, this whole hypochondriac thing. Oh, really? Yes, it was a woman that I worked with at one time, and her name rhymes with pie.
Pie. Or lie. Or try. What rhymes with that? Y'all figured out. Rhymes with my. Or die. Or why. Y'all know the girl that I work with now. Anyway, this gal. always has something wrong with her. I remember this one time she had a sunburn. Okay, well, Dr. Phil, we know this story. I don't think you should. You don't want to get into that. Are you saying you've heard this story before? Well, I don't know. Never mind, then. Okay, well, for another time. Well, listen, y'all. This is a very delicate situation, what's going on. And in all seriousness, probably the best treatment for this person is something that I like to call shock. Oh, wow, that seems a little harsh. Here's what you do. You get a chocolate bar, okay? Yeah. And you heat it in the microwave. This is going to be bad. You heat it in the microwave about 15 seconds, okay? You just get it soft, okay? Then put it down at the back of your pants. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dr. Phil. Hang on, hang on. And then you have a seat. Yeah. And when it's ready. Yeah.
What does that mean? I don't know. Go over to this head case's desk and just hike up your leg there and then have a seat on his desk. It's disgusting. And when you get up, you're going to leave behind a little bit of therapy for him to deal with. That's not going to help. Problem solved. No, Dr. Phil, hey man, be serious. Come on, help this guy. Let me be serious with you a minute. Here's what you do. You print out something that looks like a report. Okay. And then you squirt a small amount of ketchup up each nostril. All right. Do you understand? Are you telling me? My own nostril? Yes, yes, yes. So two parts. So far, two parts. Okay. I printed my word document. Print something out. Looks like a report. Oh, my God. What are you talking about? Ketchup up my nose. Well, squirt a ketchup in nostrils. Okay. And then you go over to his desk. Okay. And then you say to him.
What? You say to him that you just... What am I supposed to say? Are you okay, Dr. Phil? I have a tickle in my throat. Oh, wow. Have some water. Have a sip of water. Let me take some of that. I dropped my microphone. Oh, no. It clips on. Clip it. You should re-clip it. You should clip it. Okay, I clipped it back all my time. You wore this ketchup on my nose. You got the ketchup squirting in the nostril. You walk over to him and you say, I just got some bad news, okay? Your yearly physical just came back and you are hep C positive. And then you fake sneeze the ketchup all over it. That's so messed up. It's therapy, you guys, okay? It's called... You know, my mother had this same problem. Yeah, she's a hypochondriac, too. So you may want to try. You may want to try what my father did to help her. Well, it's a variation on something called a Dutch.
I don't follow. What's the variation? I don't follow. Well, he called it, he actually called it a Dutch prison. My mother called it that thing that gave her a stroke. And then you put the covers over someone's head like you're in an oven. That's disgusting. It's therapy at its best, y'all. Thank you so much.