All shows / 28 Hour Show 2006 - Rock 105.3
28 Hour Show - 2006 - Hour 18
2006
28 Hour Show 2006 - Rock 105.3KIOZRock 105.3
Lost TV show finaleRadio show bitsCelebrity interviewsMartha Stewart biographyStar Trek II: The Wrath of KhanMovie commentaryStar Wars vs. Star TrekSpock's deathComedy bitsPop culture discussionRadio show productionradio show
The broadcast features a lively discussion about the *Lost* series finale, with hosts Mikey, Eddie, and others expressing frustration over unanswered questions and dislike for certain character arcs. This is followed by a "Best Of" segment where Mikey introduces his and Eddie's alter egos, Tyrone and Tortilla, who proceed to conduct a hilariously offensive interview with Patricia Chintel, an unauthorized biographer of Martha Stewart, accusing her of racism and making inappropriate jokes. The main event is a *Mystery Science Theater 3000*-style live commentary of *Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan*, complete with running gags, character impersonations, and an ongoing debate between Sean and others about *Star Trek* versus *Star Wars*. The commentary culminates in emotional reactions to Spock's death and a tease for the next movie, *The Wizard of Oz*.
What happened, in order
Lost Finale Frustrations
The hosts discuss their disappointment with the Lost series finale, particularly the lack of answers and the Kate and Sawyer storyline.
Pajama Socks & Grandpa's Slippers
The crew makes fun of someone wearing pajama socks and deceased grandpa's slippers, leading to bizarre and creepy jokes.
Tyrone & Tortilla Introduction
Mikey introduces his and Eddie's alter egos, Tyrone and Tortilla, explaining their bit of interviewing guests and falsely accusing them of racism.
Interview with Patricia Chintel
Tyrone and Tortilla interview Patricia Chintel, an unauthorized biographer of Martha Stewart, immediately accusing her of racism and making increasingly offensive jokes.
Preparing for Star Trek II Commentary
The hosts transition to their live movie commentary for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, explaining the Mystery Science Theater 3000-style format and setting ground rules for the audience.
Star Trek vs. Star Wars Debate
The hosts engage in a heated debate about whether Star Wars is superior to Star Trek, while also critiquing the special effects of the movie.
Pizza Arrives During Commentary
Amidst the movie commentary, the long-awaited pizza finally arrives, causing a brief, excited interruption.
Khan's Introduction & Jokes
The character Khan Noonien Singh is introduced in the movie, prompting the hosts to make jokes about his appearance, backstory, and the planet Seti Alpha 5.
Project Genesis Explained
The hosts provide commentary as the movie explains Project Genesis, a device capable of creating life from lifelessness, leading to jokes about its implications.
Spock's Heroic Sacrifice
The crew reacts emotionally and comically to Spock's iconic death scene, with some hosts feigning sadness and others making inappropriate jokes.
Post-Star Trek II Wrap-up
The show wraps up the Star Trek II commentary, making comparisons to Star Wars and teasing the next movie for their marathon: The Wizard of Oz.
People mentioned
MikeyEddieSeanSkyeChaseAshleyPatricia ChintelMartha StewartTyroneTortillaRicardo MontalbanKirstie AlleyWilliam ShatnerDeForest KellyLeonard NimoyShelbyRandyUncle OtisLeft EyeMichael JacksonLita FordStevie NicksKeith HernandezRyan SeacrestBilly Dee WilliamsCarol MarcusDavidO.J. SimpsonYakov SmirnovPhil CollinsMarilyn McCooJonathan DavisGeorge Takai
12,022 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
The day of the crash, do you remember what story I told you when you were stitching me up? Do you remember? I remember! When you get safe, you radio me and you tell me that story. If I don't get a call from you in the next hour, I'm going to know something went wrong and he dies! There may be scenes, there may be scenes, Trevor, so don't get so hasty. Turn up. Has held them prisoner. This February, hope set them free. I have exactly the look on your face, Eddie, is exactly how I feel.
Like, okay. Okay. All right. Here's what pisses me off. Let's discuss. It was a cool end. I liked it. But again, no questions answered. Nothing revealed. Right. That's irritating. Right. I hated the Kate and Sawyer stuff. Me too. Hated it. Yeah. Disagree. Bone smooch. Bone smooch. Thank you. So do you guys think Kate lost a baby? No. No. She wasn't pregnant. She thought she was. That freaked her out. So she was like, I can't have a baby. Oh, okay. And the pizza is still not here. Weird. Fire the legal. Fire the legal. You're listening to the 28-hour Mikey Marathon. Brought to you by Fox 6 News. On KIOZ, San Diego's rock station. Rock 105.3.
The following takes place between 10 p.m. and 11 p.m. Can you stand up, please? Those aren't pajamas. That's why... That's why... Pajama socks? That's why Chase is gay. What? Pajama socks. I've never... Wear pants, homie. And they go all the way up to her thigh. And that goes up to her liver. What the hell? Those are like rugby socks, right? Yeah. Yeah, really. You're not wearing your grandpas. Playing for the Birmingham Knights in England? Yeah. She is wearing her grandpa's slippers. No, she's not. Her deceased grandpa's slippers. There's something that I can't listen to me. I'm telling you. His spirit is in here. I'm telling you, Eddie, that is a little out there. That's so creepy and bizarre. It really is, Ashley. Okay. That's cool.
His slippers? His slippers? I'm fine with the sweater. What's on his feet? Everybody does it. I got it. Here's his teeth. All right, what? Wow, that was weird. When do we start the movie? That's so weird. We can do it now. We can start the movie? I'm all warmed up now. All right, folks. This guy's got a million jokes ready to go. That's right. That's true. I was up all night. Here's what we do. Let me explain. Let me explain. I want to put my jammies on. Go ahead. Go ahead, Skye. We can start the movie because put your pajama socks on. I don't have pajama socks. Listen. First of all, we got to take a little bit of a break, Eddie. Okay. So that we can all kind of get ready. Because I want to go get another Coke. I want to take a little splash to the face. What are we going to do in the meantime? for you. I'll sit here. Why don't we play one of the deals? You know, one of our things, you know, one of our best of things up on the top, you know, so we give people an idea of what we do on the Mikey Show. Either you could see a Priceman. Do you see in the upper left-hand corner? Upper left-hand corner. Upper left-hand corner. It'll say like Tyrone Tortilla. It'll say TNT. Or TNT. You see that? Any one of those.
Just go ahead and fire it, and when that's over, we'll come back and do the movies. All right, dude. Hit it. Go ahead and hit it. Theme music to Tyrone and Tortilla, Eddie and I's alter egos. I am Tyrone, the black guy. Eddie is Tortilla, the Mexican guy. And what we do is we interview people, and we, for some reason, we accuse them of being a racist. For no reason. Now, generally, they're people that wanted to come on the show, wanted to be interviewed, and we would never in a million years never interview them. Ever. The only reason we do is because we know we could have fun at their expense. Somebody asked us a long time ago. Hey, at the end of it, why don't you tell them that it's a joke? Are you kidding me? That ruins all the fun. Yeah. It's way more fun to jack with them and then have Eddie talk to their publicist off the air right after. Well, that's not that fun. Where they're just upset and freaked out. Anyway, this woman is writing an unauthorized biography, which, by the way, I never support or like. I don't like unauthorized biographies. That means that they're writing about their life, a bunch of dirt, and that means that the person said you can't do it. They're doing it anyway, and they generally don't know what they're talking about. But talk about trying to take advantage of a situation. This lady's writing an unauthorized biography on Martha Stewart. We got her on the line? Yep.
First of all, I have to say me, me, me, me, me, me. Bumblebee, bumblebee. That's right. All right, here we go. Hello, is this Patricia Chintel? Yes, it is. Thank you for joining us, Patricia. My name is Tyrone. And I'm Tortilla. And together we are the Tyrone and Tortilla Show. Orale. Patricia Chintel is currently writing an unauthorized biography on Martha Stewart. That's correct. Check it out, man. Now, let me ask you, Patricia Chantel, currently writing an unauthorized biography on Martha Stewart, what makes you such a friggin' expert on Martha Stewart? Well, I actually worked for Ms. Stewart for a while. Wow! Her show previous to the one on network. Wow. Then I'm guessing you had to be white. Yes. Yes, you did have to be white. Good. Exclusive. An exclusive. Martha Stewart is racist. Thank you for confirming our... This interview's over. That's right. That's it. We should end the interview there. I think you misunderstood. I thought I was asked if I were white. No, you confirmed. You said. You said Martha Stewart only hires white people. You said it. Well, actually, that's interesting you should bring that up because since her...
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Patricia Chantel is an expert on Martha Stewart. Do you really think Martha Stewart was rehabilitated in there? Because it took my Uncle Otis seven visits to get the benefit of prison. I'm sure it was a life-changing experience for her, and certainly... You ever spent any time in the can? Not exactly, no. Once there was an anti-war protest. You were a hippie. Well, it was not that long ago, actually, but okay. Oh, so you do this now in your life. Free love. That's right. Do you shave? Excuse me? I say, do you shave your legs and all that? Are you like the normal hippie? I...
I think what you're... I'm guessing you wear like... ...is a little anachronistic. I'm a big fan of the salon and waxing. Can you hold on a minute? What'd she just say? Something about salon selective. All right. Patricia Chantel. She's currently writing an unauthorized biography on Martha Stewart. Do you think that Martha will have to, you know, trade lovemaking for cigarettes now just to make it enjoyable? Has she become accustomed to that? No, I don't think that will. Hey, Chantel. No, her name, Tortilla, her name is Patricia Chantel. Oh, hey, lady. Yeah? I hear Martha has a special Mexican she brings in to spit on when she feels the need to relax. Oh. Is that true? Gosh. Tortilla says Martha spits on Mexicans. No, I don't. That can't be correct. I heard she's doing a new TV show now that she's out. What do you think the name is going to be? Recently Paroled White Bitches? That's a good one. What about Washed Up White Women Fresh from the Can? Ooh, I like that. Because that one makes it sound culinary. Move out the tongue. Because the can has two meanings. Maybe you could help me come up with a title for my book. You're so good at that. How about...
hippie broad that uses salon selectives writes book that nobody cares about that's tortilla now let me ask you patricia chintel currently writing an unauthorized biography on martha stewart yeah why do you know so much about martha stewart but not other female cons like left eye from tlc is it because lefty was black well and isn't she also Dead. Yeah, that would be another reason not to be able to write about her. She dead. Yes. Yeah. How come you don't write about her? Well, because... Because she's black. I never worked for her primarily because she's dead. And black. Hey, Chantel. Go ahead. No, Tortilla. Her name is Patricia Chantel. Right. Hey, lady. Yeah.
When she was in the can, I heard she was part of a gang that raped a security guard with a doily. Is that true? Well, that would be keeping with her persona. Right. Is that true? No. Oh. I bet you like Martha Stewart because she says tomato instead of tomato, don't you? Yes, and sometimes she says potato, and I find that very amusing. Who are you people? I bet you think that she would say... String the Negro up real good, too, don't you, Officer Hate? Oh, my gosh. You two are just awful. What is this? The Tyrone and Tortilla Show. Dr. Chantel. No, no, no, no, Tortilla. Professor? Her name is Patricia Chantel. Professor Chantel. No, yeah, no, Chantel. Go ahead, Tortilla. I hear the first thing Martha did when she got home. was to go through her maid's dresser to make sure she didn't take any of her jewelry. Is that true? My word, is that true? I hear a lot of stuff on the street. Tell us, Dr. Chintel. I've never heard anything like that before, no. You're a liar and a racist. You should put it in a book. In the book that you're writing. There you go. Forward by Tartia. That's right. Hey, Patricia Chintel? Yes? What is a...
unauthorized biography. It's a book about someone that they didn't give approval for. Like Left Eye. Okay. She dead. I'm aware. Tragic. Yes. We're talking to Dr. Patricia Chintel, lover of black music, TLC fan, and racist. I think that's... That's very inappropriate to just... Thanks, Chantel. No, Tortilla. What? Her name is Patricia Chantel. Right, Professor Chantel. Oh, boy. Well, listen, doctor. Do you like weed? Tortilla would like to know if you like weed. She's a hippie. Oh, yeah. I think it's an inappropriate question to ask on an interview. That means yes. Inappropriate as farting on a first date.
My uncle taught me that. Uncle Otis. You know, it took him seven visits to really get the benefit of prison. You said that already. I remember you telling me that. That was your first joke. That's right. Well, listen. Thank you. Thank you, Counselor Patricia Shintel. Currently writing something called Unauthorized Biography. Martha Stewart. Oh, wait. I'm reading my notes. She is currently writing an unauthorized biography on Martha Stewart. Good luck with your continuing education. Thank you. You've been boring. Thank you. All right, all right. Welcome back. Everybody calm down in here. Calm down. Everybody, I need to have silence, please. I need to have silence. I am going to give you guys instructions. We're live back on the air. We're about to start our first movie. We do this during the 28-hour show. And we are about to start Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan. Now, here in this room, we definitely encourage your laughter. No doubt about it, we encourage your laughter. However, unless you have a microphone in front of you, do not talk. And the reason that I say that is not to be mean and be like, oh, we don't want you to talk. People on the radio can't hear you, but you can kind of hear mumbling. It sounds like this. And that doesn't work.
That doesn't work. So unless you have a microphone in front of you, try to keep your conversations to a minimum. No cussing, please. If you say one thing, this gentleman right here will boot you right out of here. Yeah, there is a no, what do you call it, policy? What do they call it? No tolerance. No tolerance policy. So without any further ado, this is what we're going to do. Is there various versions of Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan? There is. There's just, I guess, the regular version. There's a director's cut. We decided to just go with the regular version. If you have the director's cut, you're going to be fine. It's like four seconds difference. So you're going to be fine. Don't freak out. It shouldn't be a big deal. All right. So what we want you to do right now, if you're watching at home... If you're watching at home, we want you to go to the main menu of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. Look at Montalban right there. It already looks sweet. Now, I want people to know that if you're new to this, it's like Mystery Science Theater 3000. We just make fun of the movie the whole time. I love your head. I love your head, boss. Oh, tattoo. You're only saying that because I blew mine off. Yes. I can see right through it. All right. Here's what we're going to do.
We're going to say one, two, three, play. When we say play, you hit the play button at home and follow along with us. How long does it take this guy to put on pajamas? I was just going to say. I saw her put the pajamas on and then she was going somewhere. I think she was going home to take a nap. Droppy, droppy. Doocy, doocy. Doocy, doocy. Behind the scenes work, eh? Lucy, Lucy. Bowel, bowel. Oh boy, this pizza is so good. How do you not have a pizza? Dude, where are they ordering? From Oceanside? This is BS. Okay, are we ready to get going? I guess. Are we ready? It's way too bright in here. Way too bright in here. Where's our movie lights? I'm going to fall asleep. Will you, if we turn it off, the lights? I wouldn't go much darker than this. Don't go too... That's good, that's good, that's good. Now, I got a question. Once we start the movie, can we... Blow it up. So there we go. There we go. Thank you. Okay. So I'm going to say one, two, three, play. And when I do that play, that's when everybody hits play on their home DVD. Here we go. One, two, three, play. Wouldn't that have been funny if we didn't hit play? I know. Psych! I don't know that we did. We did. All right. Here we go. Mount Erectus. Man, this is old.
How old is this movie, Sean? Uh, this movie was made in 1982, 81. Ah, before talkies. Yes. Awesome. And I have to say, Star Wars is way better than Star Trek. You are an ass, sir. I don't care what you say. It's the truth. You are an ass for saying that. I'll fight to my dying death. My dying death. Dying death. As opposed to your live death. I mean, Star Trek is bad, Sean. Actually, that's exactly what you're saying. Here's the thing, though, man. When you look at these special effects, like, space really did look good in these movies. If by good, you mean it looked like salt sprinkled onto a piece of black paper. It looks like my dandruff. Star Trek II, The Wrath of Dandruff. Ah, Scotty. As a fellow gay bad, B.B. Besh.
Hey, isn't Kirstie Alley in this? Yes. Is she really? Yeah. When she was thin, she wore a bikini. She's in the very first scene, as a matter of fact, Mikey. Macho man Randy Savick. One of Kirstie Alley's first appearances in television was on the match game. Maybe you didn't know that. Stupid fact by Sean. Thank you. Yeah, all right. Let me ask you a question. How much do you think they had to pay Ricardo Montabon to? Do this film. I believe they paid him in tanning sessions. Hey, Villages. He was actually very happy to do this film. He was coming off of Broadway at the time. We're not going to do this. We're not going to do this all. What? Guy knows facts about Star Trek II. They're out of the gun. This is not a Star Trek pop-up version. I happen to enjoy this movie. That's great. I know a couple of things about it. Hey, nerd alert. I'd say he knows more than a couple of things about it. Easy, brother.
Hi, Turtle. A nice Commodore computer he's looking on, by the way. Hey, you got Pong on that? Approaching neutral zone. All systems normal and functioning. Leaving section 14 for section 15. Oh, as a fellow day back. I project parabolic course to avoid entering neutral zone. Aye, Captain. Where's Sam and Woody? Captain, I'm getting something on the distress channel. On speakers. It looks like bad acting. Yeah, it is. Apparently, Kirstie hadn't found Krispy Kreme out in space yet. Still a few years away. Can you give us your coordinates? Repeat, this is the Starship. The size of our position is Gamma Hydra, Section 10. I'm impressed. Well, it's equal opportunity at that point. And a K-Asian. That's right. Kobayashi? Wow. That's the guy that eats the hot dogs. I think it's giving the menu. Damn. It's killer. Mr. Sulu, plot an intercept course.
Fart and intercept. May I remind, Captain, that the starship enters the zone. I'm aware of my responsibilities, mister. Bitch. That's a fellow gay man. Estimating two minutes to intercept. The Death Star. Awesome. Now entering the neutral zone. Looks like you should have subtitles under. We are now in violation of treaty, Captain. Great shot, kid. It was one in a million. I'm sorry, Sean. I've lost their signal. Alert. Sensors indicate three Klingon cruisers bearing 316 mark 4. Closing fast. Visual. Battle stations. Activation. I'm sorry. Heels activated. Inform the Klingons we are on a rescue mission. They're jamming all the frequencies, Captain. Klingons on attack course and closing. Klingons on attack course. Mr. Sulu, get us out of here. Who's in charge? Where's Kirk? You'll find out in a second. Evasive action. Patience, my friend.
Wait a second. Wait a second. Engineering, damage report. That looks so real. Engage auxiliary power. Prepare to return fire. Oh, wow, that's bad acting. You're still acting, Captain. Poor you. Oh, phone smooch got near. Fire all faces. No bonds or weapons, Captain. Captain, it's no use. Hey, Zulu. Activate escape bonds. How do we not know after that? All right, open her up. DeForest Kelly looked like a Krispy Kreme donut. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. Any suggestions, Admiral? Prayer. The Klingons don't take prisoners. Try out for cheers. Oh, wow, look at the young shat. Hello. Captain? Nice mascara. And eye shadow. He's a bold man, not eye shadow. To the briefing room.
Yeah, but he does paint on those brows. Yeah, they are very nice. The mock turtleneck was my idea. I'd say missionary, Captain. I'm not a drama critic. You're a drama king. Permission to speak candidly, sir. Permission to gain 40 pounds, sir. And why not? Because there was no way to win. A no-win situation is a possibility every commander may face. Has that never occurred to you? No, sir. It has not. It never occurred to you to try... How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say? As I indicated, Admiral, that thought had not occurred to me. Well, now you have something new to think about. Yes. Apologize. I'm going to take this newspaper and go take a dump. Wouldn't it be easier to just put an experienced crew back on the show? Catch you guys later. Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young doctor. Love your mouth. Now, what is that supposed to mean? What's that jive turkey talking about? Hey, Foxy Brown, how'd you get on the show? Aren't you dead? You know, Captain Kirk is the only one to ever beat the Kobayashi Maru scenario. I'm just saying he's the only one. No one's impressed. No one's impressed. We're not going to do this. They destroyed the simulator room, and you win it.
The Kobayashi Maru scenario frequently wreaks havoc with students and equipment. There's a vacuum on your back. And what is he vacuuming? Really? Are people like eating little donuts throughout the hallways of the Enterprise? It's not even carpet. Yeah, it's tile. You idiot. It's the worst of tiles. Oh, wow. You're bad. None that I'm conscious of. Except, of course, happy birthday. Truly the best of times. Captain Spock. Captain Spock. Space shuttle leaving in 15 minutes. Fantastic. The Enterprise. By the way, Spock's final rank in Starfleet was Admiral. And you. As well. What? Yep. Spock off. Sean, didn't he become an ambassador, though? He was an ambassador for a while. So it was his father. His father. I am your father. Why, bless me, doctor. God bless you. Beware Romulans bearing gifts. I'm not a doctor. Happy birthday, Jim. Where's the vodka? Would you like to know how I got the name Bones? You know, this is illegal. I only use it for medicinal purposes.
I got a border ship that brings me in a case every now and then across the neutral zone. Nice pants. Why is he wearing chaps? Apparently in the future they're gay. Yeah, well, it takes his stuff a while or for a minute. What the heck? Are we about to make out? Here, give me. Now, you open this one. I'm almost afraid to. That's your zipper. What is it? Clingon aphrodisiacs? No. We're zooms. This is... For most patients your age, I usually recommend Retin-Ax 5. I'm allergic to Retin-Ax. Exactly. He's allergic to Rednecks 5. What are you going to do? Rednecks 5? No, Rednecks. There's Rednecks in outer space? Rednecks. You know you're in outer space, man. I don't know what to say. You could say thank you. Thank you. Jim, what the hell is the matter with you? Other people have birthdays. Why are we treating yours like a funeral? What the hell do you want?
I want to be on Boston Legal. This is not about age. And you know it. It's about you flying a goddamn computer console. You're hiding. Can you close your legs? Yeah, hey, Bones, we're not that close. Do you mind? I think I know why they called you Bones. The war is over. They're going to call you balls before the night's over. Oh my gosh. Oh, my God, pizza's here. Oh, holy manoli. I'm your doctor, and I'm your friend. And tonight I'm going to be your proctologist. Get it back before you turn into part of this collection. I'm going five-knuckle shuffle on you. All right. Before you really do grow up. I don't know, but it sounded hot. Whoa. Even Chase was like, that's gay. It's a fellow.
Gabe, I'm sorry? It's the reliance. No, I heard you. He said he was sorry. Checkoff. What a country! Hey! Hey! A high five! Oh, those are tiny pizzas. Tiny pizzas. Perfect for me. You guys don't get any. Stand at orbit, please. Mr. Beach, any change in the surface care? Is that Admiral Billy Dee Williams? How did Lando get on this? Incapable of supporting life forms. Does it have to be completely lifeless? Don't tell me you've found something. But enough about my sex life. A minor energy flux reading on one dino scanner. Are you sure? Maybe the scanner's out of adjustment. I suppose. Could she a particle of pre-unimit matter caught in the matrix? Who cares? All right. Get on the conflict of Dr. Marcus. Listen. I think Ashley's playing soccer. Maybe it's something we can transplant. You know what she'll say. Let me get this straight. Something you can transplant? Yes, Doctor. Look, it's the American Idol microphone in space. I don't know. But it may only be a particle of preanimate matter. Then again, it may not. You boys have to be clear on this. There can't be so much as a microbe or the show's off.
Why don't you have a look? But if it is something that can be moved, I want... No kidding. Apparently bad perms still exist in the future. Why are they wearing the same blouse? Every time we have dealings with Starfleet, I get nervous. We are dealing with something that could be perverted into a dreadful weapon. Remember that overgrown boy scout he used to hang around with? That's exactly the kind of man I know. That's him with many things, but he was never a boy scout. You'd think the white afro would go out of style in the future. That is hot. Oh!
Shelby from our sales department just showed up. That's very nice. Very nice showing her support. She always supports everything The Mikey Show does. I love that. Very nice, Shelby. We're glad to see you. Thank you, Shelby. What's happening, man? Good to see you. Sales department. Randy's here from the sales department. Very nice. Did he just say, give me a ham? Sky, your comments. He says, give me a hand. I thought these smelled bad on the outside. Who farted? Where the Colt 45 at? Where's the hell at? They crash, and where's the rest of the ship? Where the bitches at? Ah, Chewbacca's chest set. They're on the Falcon. Don't they know? What the hell would I be looking at? What do you think?
I'm looking at some crazy ass moving dirt. Moby Dick? Man, insert your own joke there. Oh, no. Oh, no. We've got to get out of here now. Damn. Hurry. Never mind it. Hurry. Hurry. What about the Colt 45? I haven't even sold nothing yet. Hang on a second, Jackoff. Now, you gotta tell me. Oh, no. Sand people. Jihad. T.O., come in, T.O. Let's give them a little more time. Oh, look, Michael Jackson happens to be here on the plane ride. Fantastic.
This is my... Ah, Zylon? No. I guess... There's Osama Bin Laden. This is not Fantasy Island. These guys know each other? What up? I don't know you. I do like that Thor, the God of Thunder, is there. Yeah. Just in case. Or the Beastmaster, I'm not sure which. I thought that was Lord of the Dance. That was. Mr. Ethan. Apparently they're on the planet of bad mullets. I never thought to see your face again. Check out who is this man. Criminal captain. A product of late 20th century genetic engineering. What do you want with us? You are in a position to demand nothing. What do you want? I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant.
Nothing. What you see is all the remains of the ship's company. What, bad hair? Of the Botany Bay. My room here, 15 years ago, by Captain James Dean Kirk. You men and women, you have a catch and cap. Let me get this straight. It's a planet of Lita Fords. Say you're strange. At least people. sworn to live and die at my command. So we left him here to die with Stevie Nicks and Lita Ford. Do you mean he never told you the tale to amuse your captain? Hey, look, man, we barely even know each other. Never told you how the Enterprise picked up the botany bay lost in space from the year 1996, myself and the ship's company in cryogenic freeze. Let me tell Kool and the gang here. Never told you how sent 70 of us into exile in this... And one midget. ...barren Sammy. With only the... Stop it, little people. No, come on, Tattoo. You lie. In City Alpha 5 there was life. A fair chin. This is City Alpha 5. Great acting. You seem upset. Is it your hair products? No.
Is it because we left you no blow dryer? That sounds improbable. What a D. Dude, you're in Yuma. Relax. Hold the dunes. You're going to have a great time. Now, what about Iron Maiden to your right? Didn't he keep you company? Years ago, I was a prince. He's more of a prince than that dick on The Bachelor. I was your host. He repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him. Can you say that but slower? English. I know.
I'll stick something in your ear. You didn't expect to find me. You thought this was set for six? Oh, sure. We came here to dance. Well, this is Mr. Cool, and I'm his gang. Oh, whoa! Dwarf tossing in space. My favorite future sport. Allow me to introduce you to Seti Alpha 5. It's a hot outfit. That is fake boobs. Yeah. I think your tees are out. These things made me nervous. I'm talking about his tees. I had to have one of those removed once. Painful. Makes wiping a nightmare. Two more kids, Mikey. You're going to have to go through that. You see?
English, mother effer. Skye, tell us about that kind of tool. What is that, Skye? Kind of like a yearly pap tool, or what is that? Yeah, I think I have seen that at the gyno's office. Let's be reasonable, Kahn. Han, Tim Kirk was only doing his duty. He apologizes for DJ Hooker. Why are they both laughing? Rub some dirt on it. That's better. There's plenty of it. Now tell me. And tell me where I may find. We told you we're here to dance. Can't a guy poop in peace? Okay.
Enterprise, this is Admiral Kirk's party on final approach. Enterprise, welcome to you. Prepare for documents. Awesome. I hate inspections. I'm reading space travel for dummies. Any chance to go aboard the Enterprise? Going through the back door. My life of one, I'm glad to have you at the helm for three weeks. The porthole. I don't think these kids can steer. The butt. Honey! That's just late. And she's 17. I can breathe again. She probably got a DUI, too. Open the earlock. Let me just think I'll go again. I got blown to that before she drives the ship. If you know my trainee crew, certainly they have come to know you. Yes, we've been through death and life together. Apparently bad perms together, too. Sir. Mr. Scott, you're old space dog. You're well. I had a wee bow, sir, but Dr. McCoy pulled me through the wee bow. With your wee? Surely, sir. And who do we have here?
Midshipman first class, Peter Preston. Engineer's mate, sir. You're almost 12. Yes, sir. You're like Ryan Seacrest, kid. Glad he had a movie. That'll be a pleasant surprise, Mr. Scott. I'll see you on the bridge, Admiral. Oh, Keith Hernandez from the 86th Met. Awesome. What's he doing there? Let me get on the Enterprise for a candy bar. Sky, what are they saying? Those titles are right there. Sky will now translate. Okay, you're all so funny. We got it. Okay, got it. They gotta get down the deflector shields. Wipe that stupid fat smirk off your face.
Boy, I shove a haggis in your face. Are your cadets capable of handling a minor training cruise? Give the word, Admiral. Scott, word is given. What about the rest of the inspection? Stop right there. You're just turning on the lights. What's that cool? What is it, Broadway? Operations. Enterprise is clear for departure. Admiral on the bridge. This is the hottest Enterprise ever. Can someone turn the A.C. on? On. Mainstage. Flux chiller support. Enable. Running lights on. I think I just saw Batchel come in. Enable. Standby. Very well, Mr. Savage. There he is. Hey. Hey. More like a whale. Hey. Tell us the bear story. Yeah, oh, good idea. Great idea. Good call. Lieutenant. I've never heard it.
Have you ever piloted a spaceship out of space dock? Have you ever been with a woman? That's a good question. Have you ever put your whole fist in your mouth? Aye, sir. There is a first time, Lieutenant. Yeah. Don't you agree, Admiral? I'm not a virgin. Don't you agree, Sir Lou? Would you like a tranquilizer? I had one quarter impulse power. I had one quarter impulse power. It's like I picked the wrong way to go off salt eater. A pretty cool spaceship that sure moves pretty slow. It's true. Rob. He ain't got no warp speed. It's the USS Rob. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Make it up home. Normal speed. So, where's the urinals? Can I beach animal? We are free and clear to navigate. Course heading, Captain? Captain's discretion. Mr. Sulu. That means he doesn't know. You may. Mr. Sulu, where's your pants? Indulge yourself.
Hi. Sulu, I'll see you in my quarters. We need to discuss something. Soft serve in space. How'd about do it? I don't think there's another piece of information we could squeeze into the memory banks. Next time, we'll design a bigger one. You would want to build it. Dr. Marcus. Yeah, that was built in 1960. Complete coming in on Hyper Channel. That's a mammogram. It's the Starship Reliant. What? On the screen, please, Jetta. You put your breast in there? Come in, please. This is Reliant calling Regular One. Repeat, this is USS Reliant. Nice 1950s phonograph he's talking to. Commander, we are receiving this as regular one. Go ahead. Dr. Marcus, good. They're en route to you and should be there in three days. En route? Why? We weren't expecting you for another three months. Has something happened? This is filthy. Nothing has happened. CT Alpha 6 has checked out. Then I don't understand why you're...
There is also a worm growing inside my head. I forgot to mention that. Anyway. Hope you're doing well. Take it easy. Your bum. Wa-wa-we-wa. Knew it. I knew it. All along the military wanted to get their hands on this. This is completely improper, Commander Chekhov. I have no intention of allowing Reliant or any other unauthorized personnel access to our worker materials. I'm sorry that you feel that way, Doctor. Admiral Kirk's orders are confirmed. Please prepare to deliver Genesis to us upon our arrival. Reliant out. Those are sweet headbands. Well done, Commander. You realize, sir,
They will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk. When you're stranded on a deserted island, the only thing that will get you through it... No, do not go in there. Thank you, sir. Turns out you got boobies. Lieutenant, are you wearing your hair differently? It's still regulation. I'm not talking about that hair. That's right. I can say it. It's after 10 o'clock. Self-expression doesn't seem to be one of your problems. You're bothered by your performance on the Kobayashi Maru. I failed to resolve the situation. But you ate him the long way. Impressive. Never seen that before. That's a little joke. Humor. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical. Who's been holding up the damn elevator?
Thank you, sir. Never mind. She changed your hairstyle? Speaking of. Bone smooch. Come here. Admiral Kirk. Yes. Kirk, yeah. Tompick from Space Lab Regular One for you, sir. Dr. Carol Marcus. No deal. I'll take case number 16. What? Where am I? Where's Regis? This isn't my floor. This is housewares. I can hear you, Carol. What's wrong? What's the matter? Why are you taking Genesis? They're my only hope. Taking Genesis? Who's taking Genesis? Who is taking Genesis? I can see you, but I can't hear. Carol? It's like art studios. What order? Who's taking Genesis? Please help us, Jim. I will not let them have Genesis without proper authorization. Have Genesis. Do you want fries with that? No one's authority.
I love the X window. That's the future, dude. You can give an X window now. Oh, you're a little bitch. Why are they all in swallows? Are they going to cut hair later? That's what happens when they get to play dress and makeup with that little kid's guy. Heads up. Oh, so you're going to fit an insult in while we're having fun. That's why they're all on this ship. Fun as friends right now. Oh, cool, I can do my Kirk voice again. Very serious. Oh, Spock taking a poop, I see. Dave. I brought you some TV. It's two-ply. I know how you Vulcans are. You have three anuses. True, Sky. Is that true, Sean? No, Sky, it isn't. Okay, I didn't think so.
Cadets of yours, how good are they? How will they respond under real pressure? As with all living things, each according to his gifts. Spock, are you smoking a hookah? Of course. The ship is yours. I'd just like to look at myself in your mirror. Just get me to regular one. What you bought at Spencer's. As a teacher, on a training mission, I am concerned to command. I look better. Is this a trick, man? If we were to go on actual duty, it is clear that the senior officer on board must assume command. It may be nothing. Careful communications. You take the ship. GM. You proceed from a false assumption. You have no ego to bruise. I would not remind you of that which you know so well. If I may be so bold, it was a mistake for you to accept promotion. Commanding a starship is your first best destiny. Anything else is a waste of material. Speaking of a waste of material, how about that turtleneck? In any case, were I to invoke logic...
Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I could just do it myself, right? Or should we do it? K-I-O-Z San Diego. You're my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours. Definitely superior. That is romantic. Stop energizing. Emergency situation has arisen. We have a K-Asian on board. Now raise your hand if you're him. Uh... Uh... Is there any K-Asian? Uh... No. Engage warp engines. Ready, sir. My eyes are up here, Zulu.
I certainly hope you find the queer on board, sir. We'll smoke him out, Sulu. We will? Let's start smoking about it. All right. I'll take my pants down. He'll reveal himself. What did you say, sir? I'll take my pants off. And he'll reveal himself. Don't do that, sir. Here goes. Sure is taking you a long time to get your zipper. Hang on, I gotta get my lifesaver ready. You're fetish. Is my nipple showing? What do you think of my little brown areola? I don't want to see my nip.
I'm chasing around the moons of Nibia and around the Antares Maelstrom and around Perdition's flames. Mark, you're overacting again. How dare you tattoo? Prepare to alter course. Space Station Regular One, please come in. Dr. Marcus, please respond. Come in, girl. This is Enterprise. Is this Papa's? There's no response. We want a number three. Damn it, I can't get a hold of them. Damn. What channel are Oprah on? There are two possibilities. I quit this bitch. They're unwilling to respond. How far? 12 hours, 43 minutes, present speed. Is that B-Rob time? Give up Genesis. What in God's name does that mean? Give it up to who? It might help my analysis if I knew what Genesis wants.
Beyond the biblical reference. Uhura, have Dr. McCoy join us. Aye, sir. Mr. Savick? You have the call. What is Genesis? I like it. Now I like it. Well, I've got sickbay ready. Now will someone please tell me what's going on? I think there should be applause every time Bones walks into the room. Security procedure. Have access to Project Genesis summary. Identify for retina scan. Admiral James T. I thought it was a rectal scan. I'm here and available for one. Security scan. Summary, please. I'm sorry, sir. I need to scan your rectum. Project Genesis. A proposal to the Federation. Carol Marcus. Why are both your hands on my shoulders? Put simply, Genesis is life from lifelessness.
It is a process whereby molecular structure is reorganized at the subatomic level into life-generating matter of equal mass. This is where the dinosaur gets made. Stage one of our experiments was conducted in the laboratory. Stage two of the series will be attempted in a lifeless underground. Yeah, no kidding. Stage three will evolve the process on a planetary scale. It is our intention to introduce the Genesis device into a pre-selected area of a lifeless space body, a moon or other dead form. Yep, you fly right in there. You get a shot, and good night. Good night. Great shot, kids. Where's Wedge? Well, hello. So much better than this. Star Trek. Fascinating. I think that's how El Cajon was made. Did you see a meth lab in there? I don't think they finished it. It literally is Genesis. Power creation. Are we going to watch the video on the mic and the mechanics now?
Too much for you guys? Over your head? I gave you a bite. He's clown. He's clown. Come on. 80s trivia? Funny. It's New Matrix. Why are you here? I was not attempting to evaluate its moral implications, Doctor. As a matter of cosmic history, it has always been easier to destroy than to create. Not anymore. Now we can do both at the same time. According to myth, the Earth was created in six days. Now watch out. Here comes Genesis. We'll do it for you in six minutes. Really, Dr. McCoy? Anyway, about that wrecked exam. They will be your undoing. Logic suggests. Logic? My God, the man's talking about logic. We're talking about universal Armageddon. You green-blooded in him. Oh, Bones, are you drunk? Admiral, sensors indicate a vessel in our area closing fast. What do you make of her? You're not pressing anything. You could make a boat.
Try the emergency channels. Let's see. Picture Mr. Suttick. Three channels. There's a model spaceship coming at us. See? Anybody else scared? This one's rated NC-18. Slow to one-half impulse power. Let's be fair. Plastic and airplane glue. I'm not that scared. Slow to one-half impulse power. Reliant in our section. This quantity. And slow. Sir, may I quote General Order 12? On the approach of any vessel when communications have not been established. Lieutenant, the admiral is well aware of the regulations. In your place like a woman. Is it possible that comm systems fail? It would explain a great many things. Requesting communications, sir. Looks like the cast of cats. Let the meat stop. They're still running with shields now. Wow, he doesn't do this very often, but when he does, they're dead. We are one big happy fleet. Doesn't it? My old friend.
Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge? Does he think anybody is buying that chest? That's brutal. It's like a lead press-on chest. This is damn peculiar. Yellow alert. Energized defense fields. This is where the nerds get erections. I'm getting a voice message. They say their chamber coil is overloading their comm system. Scary. No, you're not. You're playing Nintendo. You're warming up a burrito. They still haven't raised their shields. Raise ours. Ah, the DK. Their shields are going up. Lock faces on target. Locking faces on target. They're locking faces. Raise shields. Fire! Getting nailed by bad special effects. I'm trying, sir. What about that? Apparently, hugs are available in the future. Nice, man.
What is that, the future Hannibal Lecter? Damage report. They knew exactly where to hit us. And why? One thing is certain. We cannot escape when it's enduring power. Visual. Zulu, divert all power to phasers. Too late. There's a red dot coming at us. And all their equipment looking at you sketchy. You shot some. Not enough against their shields. The hell are they? Admiral. Can you get me a wet nap? I think it's on his chest. That's how I used to watch porn. Those wiggly lines back then. Look, there's a nipple in the back. The keyboard player? You still remember? I cannot help but... What is the meaning of this attack? Where is the crew of the Reliant? Surely I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I've deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your... Because I wanted you to know first who it was who had beaten you.
If you're from outer space, why do you have a South American accent? I'll have myself beamed aboard. Spare my crew. I make you a counter-proposal. I'll agree to your terms if, if, in addition to yourself, you hand over to me all data and material regarding the project called Genesis. Genesis? What's that? Don't insult my intelligence. There it is again, everybody. It's a keyboard player for heart. This would be the moment when Kate Sawyer would do it. And it would be romantic and awesome. Most inappropriate time. Yes, that is true. It's too easy. All they did was burn the outside a little bit. I know. We're finding it. Boston Rob's car looks worse. I know. That's true. Please, you've got to give us time. The bridge is smashed. The computer's in. Admiral Kirk, I know this may not be the best time, but I don't want a rectal exam. How about that rectal exam? Get out of me. My time, Mikey Show. Hello.
You might want to take those Ben Franklin spectacles off for five minutes. Yeah, I can count English as a second language. God, how do we know you'll give your word? Oh, I've given you no word. In my judgment, you simply have no alternative. I can just keep showing you my teeth all night long. Stand by to receive our... Wax or shave your chest. I must know before I die. Time's up. You're so screwed. Our shields are dropping. Raise them. I can't. I can't.
Where's the override? The override! Not the sunroof! P1 Detail just finished it! We must withdraw! Tiger! Beastmaster! Yeah, where's Siegfried? Wait! She's not going anywhere! Sir, you did it. I did nothing! Hey, Sean, is this the one when the whales show up? Stupid. You go right on quoting regulations. Any time, let's find out how bad we've been hurt. Apparently, a great white show broke out. Took a couple seconds, but that's all right. Laser hair treatment is not the option right now. Yeah, they got gaydar from the office. I know you fellas are busy in here right now, but... Oh, don't... Do it for Johnny, man. Do it for Johnny. Pony, man. Where's Ponyboy? Be happy about that.
Not that stain, you mean? Yep. He stayed at his post when the trainees ran. This is Spock. Oh, stupid. Yes, Spock. Engine room reports auxiliary power restored. What is he, a fake potato now? Best speed, regular one. Kirk, I'm sorry, Scotty. Approaching regular and space lab, regular one. Space station, regular one. This is the Starship Enterprise. Please come in. Is that Oprah in the future? Space station, regular one. Will you read? He's everywhere. Everybody gets a free Enterprise. This is Enterprise. Please acknowledge. This is Enterprise. Do you read me? Loud and clear. Space, do you read? You better answer. Please come in. There's no response, sir. We are out of grape soda. Oh. Whoa. Whoa, Chase. Shocking. Shocked. Shocked. Shocked. There's no way to ascertain what's inside the station. No way of telling if Reliant is still on the area. Precisely.
What do you make of that planetoid beyond? Regular is class D. It consists of various unremarkable ores. Essentially a great rock in space. A distinct possibility. I wasn't bad with you guys. Engineering. Mr. Scott, you have enough power for transporters. A con could be down there. I'll go with you. I'll go with you. I'll go with you. General Order 15. No flag officer shall beam into a hazardous area without armed escort. All right, join the party. Jim, be careful. We will. Oh, jealous. Jealous. You really need to put the winter clothes on? Indeterminate night clothes. Chili in there? I'm setting mine to boogie. I prefer Ellen. So do I.
Okay. They're still there in space. Boy, he should turn around. I'm telling you, it's not going to be good. I think he has that target on his back. And there it is. Oh, what's that? Well, Riga hasn't set in. This couldn't have happened too long ago, Jim. Riga? Enterprise calling Space Lab Regular One. Respond, please. Did one of you guys just call me a Riga? There's no time to be playing Atari. See? Don't get mad that you got hit. We're all right. Please stand by. Talk to the hand. Oh, sir. Oh, you know you didn't, cracker. Was it Sulu?
It wasn't me. What did you put in Chekhov's body? Nothing, but I didn't inspect his ass. What about the black guy? What? What about the black guy? I inspected his two. Where are the Genesis materials? He couldn't find them. Even the data banks were arrayed. Hey, Sean, stop that right now. But none of them would tell him anything he... Went wild. He slit their throats. He wanted to tear the place apart. O.J.? He was late. He had to get back to Reliant in time to blow you to bits. Where's Reliant's crew? I told him how to get away with it. A rumor on Satya Alpha 5. He's completely mad at all. He blames you for the death of his body. I know what he blames me for. That's A.C. driving the thing. Slow down to 405.
Escape pods are all in place. Where's the transporter room? You make it down here? It was not my impression. He spent most of his time trying to... No, your impression is a bad Russian. Yakov Smirnov. The unit's been left on, which means nobody remained to turn it off. Those people back there bought escape time for Genesis with their lives. This is not logical. These coordinates are deep inside regular. Oh, what was that? Who is this regular gentleman you speak of? Stage two is complete. It's going to be underground. It's going to be underground. Stage two of what? Kirk Enterprise. Verizon. Can you hear me now? Captain Spock, damage report. If we go by the book, like Lieutenant Savick... Spock, you're not in my five friends' network. I'll read you, Captain. Let's have it. Make this quick. I'm eating up minutes. We won't have main power for six days.
Oh, wait a minute. I forgot. It's midnight Saturday. I get three weekends. Restoration may be possible. We're good. In two days. By the book, Admiral. Meaning you can't even beam us back? Not at present. Captain Spock, if you don't hear from us within one hour, your orders are to restore what power you can. Take the Enterprise to the nearest star base and alert Starfleet Command as soon as you're out of jamming range. Sir, we won't leave you behind. That's something about Starbucks. Uhura, if you don't hear from us, there won't be... Girl, I want to get to jamming range. Well, gentlemen, you can stay here, or... It's all to say, Admiral, we'd like to share the risk. Yo! Brian, let's go. Is Skye still here? Where are we going? Where they went. Where no bad is God before. Then this will be your big chance to get away from it all. I keep begging for someone to let me give a rectum exam. Dude. Well, Sean, I don't know that that was awesome. So incredible, dude. The jackets? Come on, man. Nightcrawler's way better than that. Genesis Cypress. That is one hell of a plug. Phasers down! You. Where's Dr. Marcus? I'm Dr. Marcus. Jim! Is that the greatest American hero?
Believe it or not, I'm walking in space. Is that David? Mother. He killed everybody we left behind. Of course he didn't. David, you're just making this harder. I'm afraid it's even harder than you think, Doctor. Oh, snap. Where's the shaft theme? Your Excellency, have you been listening? I have indeed. You son of a bitch. What's the delay? He had his phasers set to bad effects. You have the coordinates to beam up Genesis. First things... Did you get the Aquanet? Kill. See if they have a crimper. Oh, no. Sir, it is a difficult life. Oh, Miss Sky. I tried to obey, but... Don't make me kill no admiral. Please, no. I bust my bracelet on. I'm so glad you brought Ramsey along. I was worried that he would... Oh, no.
That's definitely a real ear. What is it? It's a big plastic ear. Oh, nice shot. Right on the money. It's hard to do. Here it goes. Son of a bitch. Oh, here we go. The target. I'm wearing the target. It was on sale. I should have called A.I.S. Con, you've got Genesis. But you don't have me. You are going to kill me, Con. You're going to have to come down here. You're going to have to come down here. I've done far worse. And I wish to go on. Me too. So... I shall leave you as you let. My room for...
With only two. Echo. Echo that bitch. Oh, that was good. Oh, that was good. Lieutenant Savick calling Enterprise. Can you read us? Um, nice cell phone from 82. He's coming around. Can you read us? Yeah, my dad used to have that one. It's no use, Admiral. They're still jamming all channels. If Enterprise followed orders, she's long since gone. If she couldn't obey, she's finished. So are we, it looks like. I don't understand. Who's responsible for all this? Who is Khan? It's a long story. We appear to have plenty of time. Don't you have to get your hair done? Is there anything to eat? Nancy. I don't know about anybody else, but I'm sorry. How can you think of food at a time like this? First order of business. I plan on getting fat in my later years. There's food in the Genesis cave. What about you, Christy Alley? Enough to last a lifetime, if necessary. We thought this was Genesis. This?
This isn't even Huey Lewis and the News. Oh, yes. Great one. Thank you. See, people? We did in there, we did in a day. David, why don't you show Dr. McCoy and the lieutenant our idea of food? We can't just sit here. Oh, yes, we can. This is just to give us something to do, isn't it? Come on. We know what this is going to be about. Admiral? As your teacher, Mr. Spock, is fond of saying. I like to think that there always are possibilities. I did what you wanted. I stayed away. Were we together? Were we going to be? You had your world. I boned a green woman. And I had mine. And I wanted to be mine. Not chasing through the universe with his father. Once you've gone green. Actually, he's a lot like you. In many ways. Bad actor? No. Please tell me what you're feeling. There's a man out there I haven't seen in 15 years.
He's trying to kill me. O.J. Simpson. You show me his son, I'd be happy to help him. He's a Heisman Trophy winner. Since you're sitting down. Mess with Chekhov, he's out of it. Do you know where he is? He's lying right there. Chekhov. Let me show you something. Young has one imaginable. Beach car is there. All this in a day. I told you I sold the beach car. The Matrix formed in a day. The life forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate. The future side of a Starbucks. Have you ever seen the light? Good looking. Where is she? May I ask you a question? What's on your mind, Lieutenant? The Kobayashi Maru, sir. Are you asking me if we're playing out that scenario now? Yeah, skinny Jap, he eats hot dogs. 56 is the record, right? I would really like it. You'll never beat it. Lieutenant?
Dip it in water. We'll try it. Maybe it'll help. I don't know. I'm white. Go talk to the gay jab. He said he was gay. Why gay? Just because the guy eats hot dogs. 56 at a time. The long way. The long way. Did someone say hot dog eating? Just give us your coordinates and we'll beam you aboard. All right. Captain Spock said it'd be two days. You of all people go by the book. Spock! You know Dr. Marcus? Why, of course. Did you see the last minute? By the book? By the book. If transmissions are being monitored during battle. No one coded messages on an open channel. Did he mention the book was cat in the hat? I exaggerated. Owls.
Instead of days. Now we have minutes instead of hours. An inoperative low sea deck. What is we're here on? Not much, Admiral. We have partial main power. That's it? Best we could do in two hours. Plastic planets. On the bridge. Battle stations. Buried the jet. I better not stand here. Uh-oh. Are we green or red? She can still outrun us and outgun us. But there is the mutara... Sir, it appears there are tiny sperms. swimming around the planet. The energizer is bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't get me too many bumps. No promises. On your way. Go get a truck. Trouble with the nebula, sir, is all that static discharge and gas clouds your tactical display. Visual options and shields will be useless. Sauce for the goose, Mr. Savick. The odds will be even. Ready, claymates? Right behind you with a vacuum. This is where they're putting the coke.
That's the Black Magnum. What? The Black Magnum. You know what I'm talking about. Look, there's his surgery scar. That's where he got his implants. What did you just say? I said it's his real chest. A lot of people have asked about it, and the director confirmed it was his real chest. How would you know that? I heard it from the director's mouth. How? I kissed it. Oh, I don't know. It's a little something called DVD extras. Wow. Nebula penetration? Well, hello. Where's Bones? Bones smooch. Bones. They go in there, we'll lose them. They go in there, we'll lose them. Eddie, another red dot flying towards it. But no cigar. They shot that one right up our shaft. One minute to Nebula perimeter.
Hey, Biff. Get off the bridge. Hey, let's get physical. At least I have to dye my eyebrows. I'm laughing at the superior intellect. No, sir. You have Genesis. You can have whatever you... Can't find good health these days. I'll say this for him, he's consistent. We are now entering the Mutara Nebula. What? The emergency lights. What's that, Sean? A lava lamp? What is that? A known fact for you. Go ahead. 1945, Ricardo Montalban sustained a pretty decent injury to his back and right leg. Yes, it later became something called...
And as a result, he had a limp and still has a limp. Rest. That's George the guy. Yes, you're thinking of the wrong person. And he was able to conceal it, even though he was performing and dancing on Broadway. Are you done? Excuse me. This is the longest fact of all time. Excuse me. And when they did this movie, the director told him to go ahead and use the limp as part of the character. As a fellow nerd man. And you have a job. This is the most uncomfortable chair I've ever sat in on. I didn't pass gas. It's my natural aroma. It's my breath. Don't make me explain. Do the math.
Connect the dots. Now, what is with that tennis sweater in the background? There was actually some controversy about the utilization of the sweater. Are you... Oh, come on, Sean. I'm being serious. Nice little twist there in the chair, right? Oh, Kirk. Damn it, that is bad luck. That is bad luck. Dammit, Mr. Scott. Pulled my back again, like Sean said. Admiral. I've got to take the manes off the line. Oh, no. Scotty. I'm a hammer. You're him. Yours is superior. You're a maniac. Maniac. I shall avenge you. Could you use another hand, Admiral? Yeah. I said ham.
Sporadic energy readings. Port side act. Could be an impulse turn. He won't break off now. If he followed me this far, he'll be back. From where? He's intelligent, but not experienced. This pattern indicates two-dimensional thinking. Full stop. Full stop, sir. Z-10,000 meters. Standby photon torpedoes. Does anyone else need to go to 7-Eleven? For what? Little knickknacks. Paddywhacks. A slurp me. Give a man a bonus. I've been working on the railroad. It's like human chess, eh, Sean? It's not so defeated, bro. We got another stupid movie to watch. Good thing it's a long one. I'm going to go home for that.
Hey, it's almost time for another Rob joke. It hasn't been two hours. Oh, you're right. Sure. I can't wait for it, though. It's coming. Every little thing she does is magic. Everything she does just turns beyond. Why are you doing too little singing? Oh, I like to sing while I work. That's really weird. Really weird. That's the era of music I enjoyed the most. Hey, Sean, are you going to be okay when Spock dies? Oh, I didn't ruin it for anybody, did I? Be from the room in your hotel for romance. Will you knock it off? Send to Commander Reliant. It's Phil Collins and Marilyn McCoo. Okay. Commander Reliant, this is Enterprise. I thought we'd do a drive-by. Enterprise to Reliant. You are ordered to surrender your vessel. Respond.
You better answer me, pendejo. I'm walking on sunshine. Whoa. So, Sean, when Spock goes in the radiation room and dies, you are ordered to surrender your vessel. Respond. Like, what are your feelings? Oh, you didn't know that, Quimby? Spock dies. Sorry. Walk like an Egyptian. No. The game's not over. Oh! Michael J. Fuck. Let's get the martini shaker out. What is this, Sean? What's he doing? He's activating the Genesis device right now. All right, Phil Collins is coming up soon. Should have waited, Rob. I was just really hoping for him to come out. Yeah. It's going to count down from 999. Scanning and energy. What's the point of that? Going to be here for a while, guys. Strap yourselves in.
Here goes Spock. He's about ready to walk the die. Okay. Is the Genesis device fired up yet? Yes. Shoo, shoo, studio. Oh. Inaccurate, Mike. That's just still calling solo. Sorry about that. Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead. Yeah, well, I need a toilet made a solid goal, but it's just not in the cards, is it? Scotty, get us out of here. Best possible speed. The last you're gonna see of that guy. Dead man walking. Everybody knows he dies, right? Not ruining it for anyone. Well, I didn't. Oh, crap. Some of us had seen him before. Oh, my gosh. I feel awful. Really sad, Skye. You'll see. Here he goes. It's heroic. Reminiscent of 9-11 firefighters. I think it's... Too soon. Too soon. Really? It's been six years. Still too soon. Really? 9-11 not funny yet? You're kidding.
I know something that'll make it better. Are you out of your often mind? If I could turn back to him. If I could find a way. Perhaps you're right. What is Mr. Scott's condition? I don't think that he... Good night. Good night, sweet prince. Remember. He just got a boner. And dead guy. Dead Vulcan walking. Already dead. He's basically sitting in the microwave. It's like one of Sky's cats. What the F does that mean? Oh, you'll find that later. No. Engine room. What's happening? Hey, you don't talk about Tango and Logan. Wow. My pasta's here. It's like midnight. What are you doing? Don't you have a family? I bet I know what he's saying right about now. What's that? Take me home.
I don't want to let you go till you see the light. You know, it's just like Ronnie said. But be my little baby. God. Distance from Rowan. 4,000 kilometers. We're not going to make it, are we? Not unless Spock dies. After the surgery? Yeah. That's a bad skin feel. Sir, the mains are back online. I am it. Light speed is better than warp speed. Light tour. What is it? Light speed is not better than warp speed. Well, there's been a warp tour. Yes, it is. Actually, it is. Yes, it is. Actually, it is. Since we're talking about our real feelings. You know, I can't fight this feeling anymore. Are you going to do this for the rest of the...
Yeah, I'll even be doing this during the Wizard of Oz. No, you will not. No, you will not. Yes, I will. Oh, yes. Nice. Opposite. George Takai will follow us to the Wizard of Oz. No. Well done, Scotty. Jim. Follow the yellow brick road. Okay. Follow, follow, follow, follow. Follow the yellow brick road. Okay. Take the car. around the corner. Sorry, guys. He's dead. He's dead already. You fart face. Sky, you want to put your head in my lap? Wait, Eddie. I'm comforting her. I'm comforting her. Yeah, but how does that comfort somebody by putting it in your lap? I think the saying is on my shoulder. Yeah, like you want to put your head on my shoulder. Put your head in my lap. My parents were weird. Too far.
See, you should have stopped just one. Yeah, right back there is where you should have. Good night now. Academy Award performance. Always the gentleman. Nice Mickey Mouse gloves, though. Yeah. To work. Oh, watch out. Oh, I saw a bird do that the other day. Wow. This guy's that skin condition look familiar. Second degree. Yes. Out of danger. Mike. Yes. Don't worry, I've already called my mom to come pick me up. Oh, don't breathe. Dick. He isn't crying. It's logical. You gotta get a little steroid cream for that, I understand. He doesn't have tear ducts, Sean. He needs many. Outweigh. No, he doesn't. He does, he just controls. Means there's a few. Or the one. I call it a Kaiser Blade. Get out! Speaking of, he should have taken some in there with him. My solution. I already. I have been.
But we shall be your friend. Speaking of friends, this means vagina. It's time here, huh? I can appreciate that. I'm coming. Well, you told us all about it like 10 minutes ago. We're really broken up. Oh, gosh. Is that the Dharma Initiative? We are assembled here today to pay final respects. to our honored dead. And yet it should be noted that in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadows. The sunrise of a new world. A world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect. Apparently the salon was still open. We did not feel the sacrifice of vain. Had to go get your funeral hair. And we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. It's like they both went to the same place. Of my friend, I can only say this. He's gonna be typecast.
of all the souls I have encountered in my travels. His was the most human. It's the turtleneck talking. He's drunk again in the Enterprise glove compartment for times like this. And he also happens to just know how to play Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. Duh. Turns out it's Jonathan Davis. So reminiscent when Han was frozen in the carbonite. Boba Fett took him away. Reminiscent! And going, and going. Leia said, I love you, and he goes, I know. Remember that? Awesome. Tells Chewie, take care of her. He goes, so cool. Anyway. Yeah, a little Chewie. What's I'm talking about? I really do need to call Dr. Kahnaki.
Wow! I'll take the tops and tails. How else are you, Sean? I haven't faced death. Do you know the term bringing the water to the village? I tricked my way out of death. My ingenuity. Mommy-like? I know nothing. You knew enough to tell Savick that how he faced death is at least as important as how he faced life. Good words. That's where ideas begin. Maybe you should listen to them. Maybe you should get a toupee like me. I was wrong about you.
Yours is bad. And I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get to know you. I picture old R&B. And also proud. Like Magic 93.5. That's right. Hey, do you like Jagger and Christy? Oh, really? Me neither. Why are they on that station? Makes no sense. They're both white. As could be. Why are they on? Another good point. Let's kiss. I'm so embarrassed I went in for the smooch. I hate that. Awkward. Stardate 8141.6. Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to KIOC. San Diego. Stardate 105.3. Well done. Thanks. Such a ripoff.
Empire at the end. When they're all looking at life from death. Such a rip-off. When they're looking at the window. Luke hears Darth. Rip off, Sean. Never be better than the best. It's a far-out question. I thought you forgot about it. Shouldn't you guys be flying the plane? You okay, Jim? How do you feel? Like I ate too many snack wells. Christy, you're going to swim. The movie. The end. Because he gets to see Spock and he's going to have life again. See, he's not really dead. I fooled you guys. Wait a minute. See, he went on to Genesis, the planet where they gave him life. It's crazy. See, this looks a lot like Endor, I know you guys are thinking. Oh, yeah. Another ripoff. That's what I'm talking about.
Big Al Kahuna. Kepler! Ending to a movie ever. Shut up! Shut up! These are the continuing voyages of the Starship. Strange. To seek out new forms. New civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before. Dramatic. Well done. Very well done. Alright, let's do this. Why don't we play a little best of bit, prepare the next movie. The next movie will be The Wizard of Oz. I don't want to sit anywhere near Gay Chase during The Wizard of Oz. Pick one of the, you know, whichever one has the most time because we need a little time to set up. There you go. Take a listen to this email.