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28 Hour Show - Movies - Part 1
28 Hour Show MoviesKIOZRock 105.3
Return of the JediStar Wars fandomGeorge Lucas editsEwoksmovie commentaryspecial effectsradio marathonstar warsgeorge lucashan soloboba fettyoda
The hosts watched Return of the Jedi during a 28-hour radio marathon, with Eddie defending a childhood favorite while the rest of the room challenged its effects, creatures and story logic. They turned Han Solo's carbonite rescue, Boba Fett's abrupt defeat, Yoda's death and the Luke-Leia sibling revelation into running comedy bits. Sky and Rebecca were drawn into the recurring argument over whether the Ewoks were adorable or the moment George Lucas ruined the movie, especially once the teddy-bear army defeated Imperial troops. At the end, even the fans agreed that Lucas's replacement music and the insertion of Hayden Christensen weakened the original finale before the group moved on to Karate Kid.
What happened, in order
Jedi watch-along begins
The hosts synchronize Return of the Jedi and immediately argue over Eddie's love of the film, especially its Ewoks.
Death Star construction
The group treats the half-built Death Star like a badly managed construction project and jokes about its design and rent.
Lucas additions attacked
The hosts identify the expanded Jabba's Palace musical material as a George Lucas addition and condemn it as unnecessary and embarrassing.
Han leaves carbonite
As Leia frees Han Solo, Eddie explains carbonite sickness while the others ridicule how easy and tidy the rescue looks.
Boba Fett goes out
The room protests that Boba Fett, supposedly one of Star Wars' coolest characters, is dispatched in an absurdly quick and clumsy way.
Yoda's last scene
During Yoda's death scene, the hosts turn his speech pattern, age, appearance and puppetry into an extended improvised routine.
Ewoks divide the room
The first Ewok produces the night's clearest split, with the women calling it cute while the critics declare that the franchise was lost.
Twenty-eight-hour marathon
The hosts reveal that the commentary is part of a 28-hour marathon and that Karate Kid, which one of them has never seen, is next.
Luke and Leia revelation
Luke's disclosure that Leia is his sister prompts the room to revisit their earlier kiss and relentlessly mock the story's incestuous implication.
Ewoks beat the Empire
The hosts reject the forest battle's logic, arguing that rocks, arrows and improvised Ewok traps should not defeat armored Imperial troops.
Vader unmasked
Eddie says Darth Vader's revealed face worked in the theater, while the others dismiss the makeup as little more than powder on a bald man.
The altered ending
At the finale, the group attacks George Lucas for replacing the original music and adding Hayden Christensen to the final ghost scene.
People mentioned
EddieSkyRebeccaSeanGeorge LucasMark HamillHarrison FordCarrie FisherHayden Christensen
9,075 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
All right, here we go. What are we doing? We're about to watch Return of the Jedi together with P1. Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one, go. All of us have done it together. Here we go. Oh, dude. No, no. You're so stupid. Oh, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Relax. That really scared the hell out of me. Yeah. Dumb. Come on. All right. Now, everybody should be synced up with us as they're watching at home. This is very exciting. This is one of Eddie's favorite movies of all time. Are you kidding me? The Star Wars stuff. Well, the series. Yeah, the series. Jedi, way down on the list. Jedi's like the worst. No, the new ones are the worst. You know, I actually would prefer those over Jedi. Well, you don't know what you're talking about. It had Ewoks in it, for God's sake. Oh, I love the Ewoks. You're out on the Muppets? Oh, look at the peanut gallery behind me. The Ewoks were great. They should have been called Ewoks. You ever watch that Ewok Christmas special? That was good stuff. Actually, you know what? I hope this is on the air. Yeah, it is. Apparently, it is shaking his little head. Ah, Lucasfilm. Love it. This is the part where Eddie always gets excited with the new ones. Yeah.
Busted. They do this Star Wars thing, and something happens. Oh, there it is. Long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. This is the part where the Star Wars geeks start applauding for the new movies. Episode 6, right? You don't know Roman numerals? No. What's the matter with you? Yeah, that's why I've never understood the Super Bowl. I've always loved the scrolls across the screen, and the cool thing is that a few times a year, that script is actually visible on the western skyline. You have to have binoculars to be able to see this, but you can actually see that. It's kind of cool. That's the first joke. Why don't you shut your mouth, fathead? I'm asking. I'm just giving you a... I'm not fathead. You're always doing... My partner's fathead. I'm not fathead. Oh, I forgot. By the way, where is fathead? I don't know. Who cares? Hey. Thank God he didn't have to participate in this. Stop it. Now, Eddie. Yes. Do you still get the little tingles when you see this opening script stuff? So awesome. Does it still mean the world to you? It does. I love it. Mm.
Eddie is probably the biggest Star Wars fan I've ever met. No yawning, Sky. Sky was yawning. I'll take your ass right out of here. What happened? What happened? You deserve to die. What was going on? Yeah, because she hates these movies. It's no girls just want to have fun, Sky. Sorry, it's not Earthgirls are easy. She hates the greatest movies ever made. Dude, that... Listen. The Death Star to me looks ridiculous. What are you talking about? What? What the hell kind of construction job is that? Who the hell is working on that thing? What's the problem with it? Well, it was half blown up, dude. I understand, but when you're rebuilding, don't you kind of go in some kind of order? Look at it. Well, what is... They're working on it. It's got, like, shattered windows or something. Death Star always looked at... Well, let me... Seriously. You see that, like, indentation in Death Star? What do you think rent there is? Seriously. It's a prime spot. Hi, we'd like to have helmets, but we want them to...
Perfectly replicated penis. Wait a second. There's a lot of damage. That's what we were going for. That eddy. Look at all that damage. Well, yeah. Why don't they construct, like, I don't know, in order? Well, maybe they should get Extreme Makeover to help. That'd be a good idea. Death Star Edition? The Death Star Edition. Hi, we'd like construction noises that closely resemble a great whale. Was my one line. Only press suits I've ever seen in my life. Has this guy ever been in another movie, by the way? Of course not. Has any of the actors been in the movie? No. No. About to see a classic gulp. I can't hear it. You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. Sounds great. I'm here to put you back on schedule. Yeah, Blunder, get in here and turn this up a little bit. I tell you that this station will be operational as planned. The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of this situation. Yeah, Blunder's got to turn it up for us a little bit in here. I hate more than him.
Short shorts and white pedis. Blunder has said that a lot. Oh, I love that classic. It's like the classic I'm in trouble gulp. How does the gulp even... Does anybody really do a gulp like that when they're nervous? Blunder does that every time me and Eddie start to yell. That's because he's eating. What are you doing? By the way, this was filmed. Seriously, Yuma, Arizona. And I was there when they were doing this. I got to meet Harrison Ford. I swear to God. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Eddie, how fake does all that look now? Not at all. What are you talking about? So this is a real planet of Tantooine? Dude, this kid was 1983, dude. That looks amazing. To me, I was pretty out. Kidding, I thought they actually filmed it on Tantooine. It's Tatooine. I am so sorry. It's like a Miramesa 7-Eleven. 3P.
Now, remember when we first saw this, and at this point, we didn't know we were about to be thrust into The Muppet Show? We still thought we were going to get a good Star Wars movie. Let us in, R2. We better go. What's up, Sky? That's what I was thinking at the time, too. We better go. Sky is now on her zeroth comment. That's super realistic. Super. Let me get this straight. Are you texting the galaxy far, far away? Yes. The Great Penis Neck. Nice to meet you. No, dude, that's placenta head. Oh, my bad. Come on. I get them confused. I thought that was umbilical brain. See, he doesn't look that bad, but look at those guards. I mean, F you, George Lucas. What am I, a jackass? This is insulting. It's like I sleep at night. When you translate what he's saying, it means why are there Muppets everywhere?
Hey, the dude from Mask called. He wants his forehead back. Oh, hey. Do you think that George Lucas was like, how can I make a new Star Wars movie and throw away millions of dollars at the same time? That's my favorite part with Jabba's films. I'm just being honest. You're ridiculous. I'm just being honest. I don't know. Jabba smokes. Well, he smokes again later, so it'll be cool then, too. Are they going to see a little Skywalker here, Eddie? Yeah. Are you excited? Check out that hookah, dude. Why is Blunder smoking a hookah? Message after the message. Things exalted one. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Mark Hamill. I've never been seen in another movie.
And my face was ruined in a car accident. And I can't find work anywhere. You may remember me from Corvette Summer and nothing else. Nice feather job. Even in 83, that was a bad haircut. Oh, look at some of these costumes. We had way better stuff at Boo Ball. Both are hardworking and will serve you well. This can't be. R2, you're playing the wrong message. Oh, man, it's like a house of retards. Give me a break with that. I love that. Are you kidding me? I'm waiting for Special Ed to show up and go, yay! Okay, I'm going to translate, all right? Go ahead. This is the beginning of the end. This is where George Lucas ruins the franchise. We'd like our party place to be where a carbonite frozen guy is. That makes a lot of sense. It's like art, dude. Yeah, it's the carbonite frozen guy. I think this could be my work. Does anyone else want to know if C-3PO is straight? Seriously. The droid rapes howling. Oh, no. The grave of space. You are a protocol droid, are you? It is the chick giving the thumbs up. I am C-3PO. Yes, I know. Who is there?
You can't give me any crap about the guards and the way the guards look. They're guarding for crappy costumes. Oh, that was this guy's air check. I swear. What is happening? I'm not kidding, dude. I'm a spy. You'll soon learn some respect. What is happening? Does anyone want to dance? I'm so glad I work for a radio station like that. This one. Have you heard the morning show here? Those guys are gay. Buddies of mine. This is extra crap here now. The new crap that Lucas added. You can tell because it's unnecessary and stupid. That's so much. Take a look, folks. Britney at the MGM in five years. Tonight, one night only. Winger. All new stuff. It's so irritating. Put this in. Why is this necessary? So this is new? This was not the original Jedi? Terrible.
Oh, dude. Embarrassing. Find this movie in the comedy section now. It's not sci-fi. Green chick is hot. Oh, dude, I totally spanked to her when I was a kid. No, you didn't. No question about it. Dude, I was yanking on the lightsaber. She's a finisher? She's a finisher. Yeah, I guess if Lisa Bonet had like an alien sister or something. Maybe. Appanetti. Depends how you look at her. Dude, wasn't Chewbacca like one of your favorite characters? He is my favorite character. Was he part Sharpay? No, Chewbacca. Translation? Lucas is a douchebag. The Great Jobless says, why can't Lucas let Peter Jackson make the movies now? Thank you. Thank you so much, dude. Clearly lost it. The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the reward of $25,000. Seriously, C-3PO sounds so gay.
If it would please, Jabba, I would like to grab his prize. What did I say? The mighty Jabba asked why he must pay 50,000 for putting a thermal detonator. It's nice of Jabba. I guess it's B.C. You're a big Boba fan too, weren't you, Eddie? Boba Fett was rad. Didn't Boba Fett turn out to be a black guy in the new movies? I thought, yeah, I thought he turned out to be black. I didn't see he was black. I don't know what he looked. Mulatto? He's Dominican. You think he turned out to be more of like a space Dominican. He's a designated hitter for the Cubs. Didn't Boba Fett play for the Cubs? Pretty soon that was it. Boba Fett put cork in his bat. Moments away from Billy Dee. 445. That's right. Yeah, baby. You know what he's thinking right there? He's going, yep, even I've hit rock bottom for being in this movie. He's like...
the bitches. That's right. I'm going to get me some alien tang tonight. Yeah, bitches. I'm going to show them a lightsaber. Girl, no you didn't. I don't know. It's going on right now. Who puts wind chimes in such an evil place? I know. Nothing says scary lair like wind chimes. Especially indoors. It's effective. In case there's a nice tough breeze. You never know. Carbonite guy room. Eddie, as a kid, how excited were you to see Han Solo come back to life? I was worried about him, man. It's tough to survive the carbonite freezing itself, you know? I mean, but is it really this easy to undo carbonite? Well, yeah, dude. You gotta get the right codes and stuff. Oh, you gotta have the right codes. Yeah, she's got it. Check it out. See? And we're good. Meltdown begin. Hot and gooey. I mean, it's cool.
It's not like he jumps right back to life, either. Yeah, he's got that carbonite blindness and stuff. Give me a break with this, though. These are some special effects. What is it, a microwave? You don't think that looks good? That's the Jiffy Pop Microwave Han Solo. After years of being frozen, a perfectly handsome and clean Harrison Ford makes perfect sense. I don't know about that, dude. Look at him. He's flawless. He's flawless. On page a few years, bro. He is a carbonite. And now a message from the American Cancer Society. Hello? I can't see. Your eyesight will return in time. That's a pretty rotten trick by Leia. Like gay burlesque dancers in there? Oh, wait, there is. I was just on my way to pay you, and I got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault. Translation? Don't do such crappy movies in the 90s, Harrison. You fuck.
He's like, oh, my eyesight's so messed up. It looks like there's a guy with a placenta wrapped around his head behind you. Whoa. Throw it away for you. Don't be a fool. Whoa, whoa. I mean, is that vomit coming out of Jabba's mouth? What exactly is that dripping out of his mouth? You're going to regret this. Hey, dude, you might want to try some antibiotics on that. Here's my question I must pose. How did Lando get the job of a security guard anyway? I mean, didn't they check his references? I mean, Landon just rolls in. He's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to be a security guard. That's a pretty high, you know, quality post. Don't they know? He's his, like, main security guard, Landon. He's friends with these people. Duh. Chewie, is that you? Oh, the gay thing between Chewbacca and Han. Ah, dude. Always has been, always will be. Shut up. Especially. Luke's crazy. He can't even take care of himself. Much less rescue anybody.
So he's still frozen from the carbonite? Is that why the shivering and the... Dude, he's going through carbonite sickness. Oh, I am so stupid. He's grabbing his ass. Don't go there. That is not a bad looking outfit. Hell no. You may not pass through the wind chimes. Yeah, Dark Crystal called and the one that's creature's back. Anybody get that? No, he gets too young right there. All that matters. He didn't quite understand. He's like, I will take you to In-N-Out now. Have you guys seen Carrie Fisher now? Oh, they just woke up the puppeteers. That's what I'm saying. What happened? You guys don't mind if I pull the punch. All right, all right, all right. So is that a no? Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big deja vu welcome to Leia. You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me.
That's a very convincing laugh, too, by the way. That's like Skye's, that's like Skye's, uh, What's Happening? All right. Nevertheless, man is free. You can either profit by this. It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my power. Translation? This is the last movie we'll appear in. And it's 1983. Mm-hmm. I'm black. Maybe I can help? Okay, what do they call these, Eddie? I see. Post-mortem. Creepy-looking, uh, thing to me. It's like chicken. Chicken bone trick. That's the cool cheesy line. Exactly. Like the freaking Red Sox. It's true. Johnny Damon trying to get to it. I know he's running around up there. Steel's second. There's bad guys everywhere. But this is what I, this is my life with genius upstairs every day. I wish you could do this though. Yes. Buzzkill. Clear Channel Security is bomb. Casting called and they were like, we want the greasiest, greediest, neanderthal. Looking for a man with blood.
Yes. Do you have a man with really big tots? That was Joe Camel. Did you guys see Joe Camel? I'm not kidding. I bet this guy got a lot of work after this movie, too. Hey, can you shave your teeth? Oh, my God. I exhort as decreed that you are to be terminated immediately. Good. Why is he always the one giving, like, the sad news? He's the translator, dude. I know, but it's so emotionless. It's like, can you pretend you care about your friends? It's like Boy Blunder. In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over and out. There. Or as we know, it works for Claire Channel. Right. Good work on you. I'd use it. A job of having reproductive organs. That monster. Oh, Little Shop of Horrors. It used to be cool. It was the great vagina, and now it's like... Audrey 2. The Venus flytrap. Look at how skinny she is. Oh, I want you.
He hopes that you will die. He can't hear you. It's just a feminine robot, dude. Sorry. Speak up, gay robot. 3PO, you tell that slimy piece of worm-ridden filth. They'll get no such pleasure from us. Very articulate. Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us or die. This is all you have. This is it. Serious this time. I'm seriously going to mess you up and stuff. I'll box your ears, you bastard. Hit you with a pillow. He sees them giving signals like that. No. Look at that guy. He's not even paying attention. He's like, man, that thing down there sure does look like an eggplant. Look at the signal. Wake up. And then take some of this. Some of that. I'll get you with my fuchsia sword. You want some of me? No.
That's sea foam. Gotcha. Our true saber of light. Take that out, Elon. They should have called you Bubba Hot. Seriously? How did they rule Bubba Fett like that? He's the coolest character in Star Wars. And that was it? That's how he died? That was it? A chick that size, killing a guy that size. Sky, choke Lunder. Sky, choke Lunder. Sky, jump on top of him. Isn't that how Michael Hutchins died? Seriously? Yeah, I think that was it. And it looked just like that. He was about that size. He died the exact same way. And he was that fat. But he was that happy, too. This guy, does the tongue do anything for you? The Jabba tongue? No. Check it out, baby. Dude, those ships are terrible. While those ships are at it, I have a couple of shirts that need pressing. They look like irons. View shitty you. View shitty you. View shitty you.
Orlando. Give us a better screen than that. Seriously, I bet if it were an NBA contract you could reach it. So it's drying out. Oh, the weather's so dry out here. They tear up a brother's hair. Feets are so ashy. Damn. My feets are so ashy. Oh, yeah. Crack right there. Could anything else happen to that hand? Give me a break. This one's for incest. He's handing droid magnets on a ship none of us have ever driven before. There it goes. Obviously. The old droid magnet. Release the droid magnets. Let this bad boy out of here. Time to call AIS on that barge, huh, Eddie? That's 1-800-777-777.
For AIS, by the way, if Jabba needs the number. It's just a 10-minute phone call could save you hundreds of weeks. Your line should be assembled by now. I will. Hey, Luke, thanks. Seriously, dude. I'll get you a part in seven days and seven nights. That's right, R2. We're going to the Dagobah system. Mess up any of the mechanics? Yeah, no kidding. Doesn't anything need to be done to that? Maybe 40? Is it a buffet? Well, you know what? Sometimes on Fridays they do potluck. They do potluck. Because, I mean, it's just so many of them to have to deal with. Laundry. See how they're all different colors? Right. The blacks bring a dessert. The whites bring a salad. Somebody brings, like, a fruit. Luke Skywalker's there. Somebody brought the fruit. Senator Palpatine, everybody knows it's you. Just give it up. Sorry. The Death Star will be completed on schedule. We know it's you. We know it's you, Palpatine. To continue your search for Yankee.
I know she's not listening right now. The Emperor looks so much like my Aunt Carmen. It's just, no, it's, but I'm just, I'm telling you. The resemblance. All right, so he doesn't look that old, but the resemblance is there. Mr. Machine's going to pull up any second. You don't know. Take another hit. Your face is jacked. Jacked it is. No more movies you will make. Of course not. Bad actor you are. Soon the guy that does his hand up my ass will get very tired. And who does my voice passed away. You reach, look as good you will not. Like Joan Rivers. Will I rest? Forever sleep. Would you like to see my genitals? Who did I have?
Yes, I would. See them you will. Must take. Tired to show penis now. Must rest. Have an innie I do. What do you think he keeps in that little pouch? Wiener. Keep wiener in pouch. I see weed. Franks and beans. Past guess I did. And Franks again. Just remember joke. Black guys walk into bar. Okay. Dude, I'm not kidding. Yoda is the guy that sings The Godfrey of America during the Yankee games. Seventh inning stretch right now. Seriously, just greener. I'm not kidding. Darth Vader, my father. Does Luke just ask for the little boy cut at Supercuts? Is that how it works? Master Yoda, why did they cast such a bad actor to play my father in the prequels? Master Yoda, do you cut hair? Cut it, it will not.
Is that about you not seeing genitals? Oh, I think no. That's not it. Got some shrinkage. It's so cold in here. Put me closer to the fire, you will. Look out. I'm testing. The thing is like he's taking a poo. Broccoli. Yes, he speaks Spanish. Shut up and die, Muppet. Where's Fozzie? Walka, walka. Before I go, one Jew joke. Okay, so two Jews walk into a bar. This is us at 3 o'clock. Even Muppets can overact. And I found...
You can just see the not caring on his face. Oh. Dude, it was a car accident. Jacked up. I'm not kidding. Look at it. That's what I'm seeing. Yes. Don't go. No. Very realistic. Oh, now you will. No, dude. These Dagobah scenes were filmed on Fiesta Island. Look at that. I'm not kidding. OTL going on in the background. No? Nothing for that? Local reference? Screw you guys. Is he leaving pizza? Yep. Quinn's here. Yoda will always. I didn't think I was here. That's awesome. You want McGregor? Oh, no, no, damn it. That you were gay? I didn't know until now. That schmuck, I can tell you are. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker. Obi-Wan, what is that film around you? When that happened, the good man. I was near Yoda's farts. No. Fiesta Island, dude. I wasn't kidding. From a certain point of view.
You know, Obi-Wan, you can wash that gray right out of that beard. I knew him when he was a bad child actor in Phantom Menace. You know, Luke, they're all grown up here, cuz... I go to a queer in Hillcrest named Phil. It's quite good, really. Wonderful. I can't do it, Ben. I can't go to a real haircut guy. You must face Darth Vader. You must, Luke. A drone of mine. Then the Emperor has already won. This is a Jedi guilt trip right here. You were our only hope. Luke, I've never told you this, but it's a good one. Two queers walk out. Okay. Enough of that.
But I have no sister. To protect you both from the emperor... We gave you male and female parts. You are both your brother and your sister. Go ahead. Give them a try. All these years, I thought that was a pen holder. Luke, I can hold you like a bowling ball. I can make you into a Luke sickle. Admiral Salamander. General, huh? Someone must have told them about my little maneuver at the Battle of Tenev. Look at me, pal. No, actually, they told them that you're a giant black wiener. A black guy as a general? Now I've seen everything. Did you see? They dressed me as a 1970s...
Pim. Man. Next thing you know, they're going to let you play quarterback. It's called affirmative action, brother. Whatever. I don't have to ride in the back of the spaceship anymore. Back of the Falcon for you, Lando. This must be the future. It's a joke. It's just a joke. I didn't mean it. It's just a joke. What? Not cool. Most important of all. She goes to the same Barbara Luke does. Yeah. I'm a 1970s figure skater. God, he is making me so hungry for calamari. Dude. Look at him. Seriously. I want some calamari. Did George Lucas run out of ideas at this point in the script? A freaking salamander? Yeah. That's so stupid. He's like, what we need here is half salamander, half dick. Yeah, that'll work. I know kids are going, but they don't know what a penis is. If any attack is to be attempted, once the shield is down, our cruisers will create a perimeter while the fighters fly into the superstructure and attempt to knock out the main reactor. Calrissian, I volunteer to lead the fighter attack. Good luck. General Calrissian, you're black.
General brother. This guy is a cargo ship and using a secret... Apparently they do have Chinese laundry on this planet. Oh, that's a sweet haircut, too. Who's given a haircut in this galaxy? Brie Walker? Luke has the little boy cut. He has the little queer cut. That's one. General. No thanks, gay guy. Yeah. I want to bone my sister. Ask me later. Luke. Hi, hon. Cinnamon bun head. I think Chewie's got the best haircut of all of them. I have the Falcon still. I sold all my figures at like a garage sale for like a nickel. I'm so pissed. And Lando stole the rest. No. Seriously, man. Get out of here. Get on that hunk of junk. Get out of here, cracker man.
I ain't even lying. Peace out, my brother. If I'm lying, I'm dying. I think the Empire had Wookiees in mind when they designed her Chewie. Priest caller, by the way. Father Han, you bless this ship before we leave? Right. Chewie. Look at this, dude. It's a priest caller. Look at it. He's got a sweet vest on. He's actually pretty funny, Scott. Although there would be. That's what I'm saying. There's Dick Cheney right there. Ah, that's him. Good call. Call Rope. A little Democratic humor over there. On the left side of the room. Yeah, look where they're sitting. On the left. Of costume changes. Like there's a different suit you wear to fly. It's all the different action figures, bro. Ah, you can do each of them. Seriously.
Blunder's got a hit at legal ID, so those of you listening on the air right now, you're going to hear this little thing we've got to do every hour. Don't worry about it. We're still watching. Yeah, we're still watching. Leia sounds like a dude. Very true. Leia. She's got kind of a deep voice. Let's play Do You Sound Hot. All right. All right. I think he sounds sexy. I mean, he... Fly casual. Intrusive at all. Comments. We might as well hear them. Yes, it was bomb. A six-foot-foot guy in his pajamas used the word bomb. Like penises. Vader's helmet looks like that. Welcome to Planet Muppet. Put your tray tables up and your beliefs in George Lucas aside. So true. Who did those helmets? Lance Armstrong? Are they going to really protect anything? No kidding. Look at that thing. Whoever made those helmets had a lot of balls. Well, maybe not. Should we try and go around?
It'll take time. This whole party will be for nothing if they see it. Should we take these useless helmets off? Quietly. There might be more of them. Take the helmet off. Seriously. Shush. They're all scuffed up like they've seen action. That's exactly what I thought. What have they done? What are these guys doing? Are they looking for shrooms? They come out of the box like that. Sky and her husband. What are they doing? They're looking for shrooms. Ted Nugent played Chewy in that show. That's right. I'm a guy, but I won't drive. Oh, my God, you're so good at driving this sucker. He knows how to drive now. This is so super scary. This isn't stick shift. I hate to be a backseat driver, but holy... Sonny Bono, I got the audition for that part. I've got the cute one. Princess Di. Had to be said, right, Eddie? Had to be said. What you're saying, didn't think those helmets had any action. Everybody's flying into trees around this place. I know.
And if you didn't have the helmet on, you'd be dead. It protects you against hitting trees at 750 miles an hour. So does Gary Busey. Helmet. Go ahead. Keep hitting it. Oh, God. Thank God for my helmet. I got a helmet on. I'm good. I don't. Oh, God. Don't work in this sucker. Put a bracelet on. Last one there. It's on the box. Get pregnant. A lot better. Scruffy. Hold it back on. What are you thinking? Pan Solo, though. He was all man. How much of a pain to take C-3PO through a friggin' forest? Well, dude, R2. Yeah, no heels. No kidding. It's like taking the handicap. It's like taking the handicap through a forest. Yeah, just go over branches and poison ivy. I'm sure that's easy. Rocks. Boulders. Let me take my little wheelchaired friend through the forest. Very handy. And he moves at a swift pace.
.2 miles an hour. Everybody, this is the moment in time where all Star Wars fans collectively gasp. Here's where it was lost. The end of the universe as we know it. I'm not kidding, Eddie. That looks like your little dog back home. The girls in the back so happy with the Ewoks. Yeah, the girls in the room love the Ewoks. Oh, come on. Ewoks are lame. Come on. That's right. Best part ever. I'm not going to hurt you. Midgets should only be in... Porn. Throughout the movie, I will tell you what the Ewoks are thinking. Thank you. Oh, no. Looks like I'm stuck here. Come on. If you didn't have all that turd stuck in your Ewok fur. I promise I won't hurt you. Now come here. Yeah, do you think they're like cats after they go to the bathroom? They clean themselves? Yeah, it's like a litter box. They, you know, scratch into it. I did it. A rice cake. Thanks. Yeah, that's real effing. It's a stale, bitch. Yeah, that's real effing good.
Tastes like my balls. Which I'm very familiar with. Yeah. Which I lick all the time. It's not a hat, it's a helmet. I'm not stupid. It's a hat. I'm an Ewok, not a dumbass. You're a jittery little thing, aren't you? Smells like dumb bitch. Yep, sure is. Honey, this is the first time you've seen this, right? You think those little stupid things are cute? Yeah, those are cute. Oh, that's brutal. Look at Sean. Smells like dumb bitch is the funniest line he's heard. Have another Viking in, will you? Where was this film? It was actually filmed on another planet. Take her back to base. Yes, sir. Have a little... Even though he has armor on. Took a stick. Yeah. Look at him, he's down. Right. Shoot him!
Later, this planet of teddy bears is going to take everybody on, too. It's true. This way, bitch. We're going to gang rape you. Oh, boy. The Ewoks don't talk like that. As a matter of fact, she's really offended. It's the first time she's been offended through the whole movie. Hey, Ewoks don't gang rape you. Oh, sorry. My bad. They don't. Darth would gang rape you. Let's do something in a web. The hydraulics on the chair kind of going out a little bit. I have built him. You've got to call somebody else a master. He will come to me. This movie's racist. Man, and... Leia calls them hats. They're all dressed in camouflage, but they have a gold shiny guy walking around with them. Because that's not going to attract anybody. And a white handicap droid. Look at the sun hits Sweepio. They're going to be like, oh, there they are. Look, the sun. Hello. Later, Sky. Sky's out. Where's she going? She's got to drop one. What is that? It's like the back of JFK's head. No.
Had to be said, dude. Had to be said. Had to be said. It's just a dead animal, Chewie. Nice work. Great, Chewie. Great. Always thinking with your stomach. You take it easy. Let's just figure out a way to get out of this thing. I bet this was a fun scene to do 25 takes of. Now is not the time for a reach around, Luke. Yeah. RT, you have a nail file? Check out the Rasta Ewoks. Yeah, no kidding. Hey, look at that guy. You know he's smoking out. It's huge. Autism in space, too. Have you seen Blunder's baby pictures? No. Point that thing someplace else. I have never heard that before. Ladies and gentlemen, survivor of Vanuatu. Don't. You'll be all right. Chewie, give me your crossbow. Midges and fur. Now I've seen everything.
My goodness. They're fascinated by gay robots. Ewoks, dude. Joaquin Phoenix in the background there? The hair lip? Do you understand anything they're saying? Oh, yes, Master Luke. Remember that I am fluent in over six million forms of... What are you telling them? Hello, I think. I... By the way, I think it's important to let people know. We're doing a 28-hour marathon right now. That's why you hear the Mikey show on there. We don't get off until 10 a.m. We're watching Return of the Jedi. After this, we're doing Karate Kid, which I've never seen. Brutal.
Yeah, no kidding. Well, they're obviously made of plastic. Down the tubes. This is the first Star Wars movie Rebecca has ever seen. And it's Jedi. I'm shocked she's not in love with this. She did think the Muppets were cool, but she's kind of giggling at the goofiness of the whole thing. Do we have to go get him? No. All right. The Ewoks. No, it's all right, because I want to smoke a cigarette anyway. What? In the middle of the movie? Ewoks are nuts. Okay, fine. Don't talk about the Ewoks like that. What did he say? I'm embarrassed, General Soto, but it appears you are to be the main course at a banquet in life. Time for the show to get funny, everyone. Hey, Sean. Here we go. Got rid of the dead weight. That's fun. But these are my friends. They're my friends.
My brother wants to sleep with me. Creepio, tell them they must be set free. And Han wants to watch. Chewie can't break out of those. Give me a break. Help us very much. Cut. Seriously, Hamlet, you are horrible. I know your face got jacked up in that car accident, but did your actual ability... Broke in two. God. Make out. Stuff like this. He does stuff like that. Levitates. Dope microwave. Pop-tarts in here. How's everybody doing? Everybody all right back there? All right, just checking. No, Becca. Just kidding.
Shut up. So let me get this straight, dude. C-3PO is now the sound effects guy from the Police Academy movies. Hey, 3PO, do a helicopter. Now he's beatboxing? Dog bark. Dog barking in the distance. That's Gutenberg's going to come running in any second. He's blundered. He would laugh at these jokes. God dang it. Come in here and laugh at my jokes. Gutenberg, nothing for Gutenberg. Thank you. Blender's just walking in his boxers. This is disgusting. Looking good, Blender. That's funny. Thanks, Blender. I knew you would appreciate that. I do. You guys think Chewie has an Ewok fetish? Who doesn't? He likes spinners.
That's why they breed Ewoks like that. Becca may be related to an Ewok. But you're so small. You're cute. You're cute. You're adorable. That's all I'm saying. She's like the Mexican hairless of Ewoks. Oh. Ribshot. I'm super horny. Do you remember your mother? Your real mother? Just a little bit. She died when I was very young. Natalie Portman dies? Oh, thanks for ruining the next movie, bitch. That sucks. Ruined it all. She was very beautiful. Sad. Oh, God. Did someone just fart a beer? Get out of here. You make me want to retch. Sean, when I left, did you say...
Now it's time for it to get funny. Yes, he did. I don't know what you're talking about. Well, catch me up on everybody's lines. Okay. Sean should have had three by now, so that would be nice. I can feel one. That's why I have to go. As long as I stay, I'm endangering the group and our mission here. Sexuality. I think you're hot. Cut. Makeup. Can we do something with that grill? Carrie Fisher's like, seriously, I mean, I can't deal with it. Luke, don't talk that way. You have a power I don't understand and could never have. Luke, you also have a butt on your chin. It farted about five minutes ago. You have an ass where your face should be. Open into her head. I know. Why did you make out with each other? If they knew they were brother and sister. Run away.
Don't get me wrong, that's hot, but... It's totally hot. Later, Sky. Yeah, Sky had a pepperoncini accident. There is good him. I felt it. He won't turn me over. It's a terry cloth. Luke's outfit, seriously. It's very comfortable. Yeah, it's super absorbent. They're making out again. It's so hot. Strap it on. Is anything cool going to happen in this movie yet? Shut up, Walter. I actually agree. What's going on? Amy, any second now. Nothing. I just want to be alone for a little while. I just made up with my brother. Tastes like incest. She is nowhere near as hot with that hairstyle. I agree. Getting pissed. I'll be at Eddie's playing poker. Screwed up. Bad.
Just whatever you do, don't say hold me and we'll be cool. I said don't say hold me. She did. Damn it. What does that do? No, you're like, yeah, right. Just say hug me, which is still stupid. Your arms are on me for like 20 seconds. Guys aren't allowed to say, just blow me. You're right to sit on your lap. He denied that I believe there may be more of them, and I request permission to conduct a further search of the area. And plastic surgery. He was armed only with this. Dildo. Dildo. Conduct your search on high. Direct cells or the bunny. So I smell. I know, Father. So, you have accepted the truth. Look at Luke.
Was anybody wondering what Danny Pintaro did after Hussbaum? How dare you? No longer has any meaning for me. It is the name of your true self you've only forgotten. I know there is good in you. The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully. How many packs of foundation did they go through? That was why you couldn't destroy me. Putting together Mark Hamill. Kill him. You have constructed a new lightsaber. I went on eBay. Not your skills. Come with me. I did Corvette Summer. Lucas' son, why is one nine feet tall and one five feet tall? Genetics. If that is your destiny, click within you, let go of your head. Consequence of feeling. It's safer in your pocket or... My son is so gay. I'm so embarrassed. Master Bader is my only master. Base, we have a policy, Luke. Are they serving any purpose?
Like, who's coming around to check those? Okay, hold still. Yep, still working. Need to check the vitals. Good, kid. Oh, like you know. Plumber ass. What's on that utility? Look at the thing around Chewy's neck. What does that do? Ammo. Ammo? For what? They shoot like... For the crossbow that shoots energy holes. Right. He's got to have battery packs. Five battery packs wrapped around him. He's never used one. But he needs their laundry done. Mira Mesa in the house. Mando Cal Crispy Chicken reported for duty. Don't worry, my French down there. I don't speak your crazy language, boy. Translation, is Thursday okay? No.
Don't worry, Sulu. I got it under control. Damn. I asked for light starch, bitch. All right, stand by. That was awesome. Back door? Hell yeah. Yeah, I think we did. There's only a few guards. This shouldn't be too much trouble. That is my Lhasa Apso. I am not kidding. Seriously, dude. It is. That is your dog back home. I'm not kidding. You had me, and hello. Oh, no. So was Han the only... This is a serious question. Was Han the only one that could understand Chewbacca? That is a... Okay. Okay.
So let me get this straight, Lucas. Now the Ewok can fly the speeder, too. Oh, well. Right. Little furball. There's only one left. You stay here. We'll take care of this. Why was he always on the edge of, like, anger and everything pissed him off? You stay here. Pepper. Shrek, huh? Gets him every time. Oh, I'm so stupid. I fell for it. He pulled out his blaster, eh? Nothing. He's, oh, damn. That Shrek's going to work again. What are we talking here? Everybody out? They were really cool bracelets. God, leave us. Those unis have got to be hot. That is a horrible case of jaundice. It is. My eyes don't get that bad. I actually looked like that my first day at Betty Ford. You won't convert me as you did my father. Hi, Michelle. You will find that it is you. Becca's like, I've had three beers. I'll move in for the kill. He's a light singer.
Looks like a flashlight. Dude, that is Skye's eyes right now. Look at her. John, look at those. Exactly the same. Oh, my God. No dentistry in space. Yeah, they have a horrible dental plan on the Death Star. Pretty bad. Yeah, the Empire's dental plan. Not so good. It's Clear Channel's dental plan. The Empire's dental plan apparently is in England. I hate my retainer. It is pointless to resist my son. I just don't like to wear it. It makes me look nerdy. No, I have to look evil. It's not an evil retainer. Your friends up there on the centrally moon are walking into a trap, as is your rebel fleetation of the shield generator.
That is a spitting image of Lowry Mays, the CEO. She's got a point. Oh, do you have to mock me? You don't have to be so smug. Yeah, sarcastic. Oh, you're so cool. My penis helmet will help me. It's just one slap. You're done. It don't matter if you have armor on it. No. You get hit, you're done. It's like paintball. Blah, blah, blah. No. Oh. We've got to be able to get some kind of reading on that shield up or down. How could they be jamming us if they don't know? What do you mean this shirt needs pressing? I just... The food power is extra spicy. Sucker ass. Bowl 45. Seriously, picture Lucas like at home looking at his kids. All right, Lhasa Obso. Right, right. Lizard. Cool. I don't blame you, dude. Thanks for the pizza. I wish I could go.
Yeah, there's pizza. I'm hungry. Yeah, let's get some pizza. Yeah, yeah. You should be ordering a pizza at home, too. Unless with a sergeant. No, I want to press that yellow button right there. What does that do? Have you seen this, Emperor? Give in to your anger. Make yourself more my servant. Be your interior decorator, but not your servant. It's your destiny. Like your father. Yeah. They're saving tons of money on dental plans. Either make a tank or this walking, beatering piece of crap. This obviously would fall over at a strong breeze. Look at that thing. I'm sure this was a good idea. We surrender. Arrows against armor. Come on. Oh, that's believable. Ouch, you knocked me down.
Let me get this straight. 25 pounds of dog food can knock over a 400-pound armored man. Oh, no. Oh, look at it. Rocks against my armor. Ha-ha. That bastard. Hey, hasn't he used this before? Didn't we do this once already in Empire? Ewoks had so much time to put such a sweet plan together. You're stoning us now. Well, she's left yet. That's the first person in 23 years that's laughed at this. He's talking into a vibrator. I can't understand you. I don't speak jive. Helmets they wore. They would have come up with something more lightweight. The fighters are attacking. I wonder what those Star Destroyers are waiting for. For himself, he has something special planned. We only need to keep him from escaping. Face may look lightning, which will be a comfortable helmet in the movie. Hey, if we have time later, would you be up with a game of dominoes?
Well, as we say, rolling bones. We've got to give him more time. I should show up. All right, kids, I've got to warn you. Dead Ewok countdown. It's coming up. Becca, close your eyes. Chula Vista. Honey, look at that. Oh, my God. Scar for earmuffs right here. Ewok necrophilia. So anyway, my second time I was in the can, I met this guy named Double Bone. Now this kid... Oh, hang on. Shut up. Black guy gets it. Bad driver. He's lost. Your friends on the indoor room will not survive. But he has something. It's just flat out mean. The alliance. So now he's Donald Trump? Well, guess what, Emperor? You're fired. Yes, Will. Your journey towards the dark. Is this the hot seat from earlier today? The only fucks down the hill trick. Oh, yes. So put your hand right on it. How's it feel when I stick my finger in it like this?
Does that feel better? She was just shot in the arm, by the way. And she's that calm and collected. Yeah, exactly. I mean, if she's as nondiscreet to make out with her brother, who knows where she's been? That was a nut. Dad's ass like that? Absolutely. This is too brittle. That's me. It's my dad. I mean, he raised me, put me through college. First semester, anyway. I just... Support me. Wait, Dad, give me a break. If you're black. Betray your father. Feel the good in you. The conflict. All you're going to feel is the ass into this lightsaber. Bring yourself together. I'd like to put some more good in you. The estimate dog sign. You look like a dog with an introduction to lightsaber. Ain't no fair, no throw. Two more shots like that, little Asian. We going to Applebee's when we all done here. Let me know. I want my baby back, baby, back, baby, back. All right. It's over, Commander.
Sorry, Sky. Thank you for being the rip police. Blasters. We fell for the old we're stupid trick again. They have blasters. Why don't they just start shooting? This is me off. Dog erection. Look at it. You know, you're right. Blunder's got to interrupt with the legal ID again. Bathroom, Sean? What's going on with Sean? I don't know. What's going on? Talk to me. Hitting a wall. Oh, no. Sean, it is way too early to hit a wall. You've only got ten more hours. Part of the Jedi, dude. Shut up. You think so, Dick Cheney? I stand here wearing black. For more years. See how big that explosion was? I think not all died. Seriously. Red group, gold group, all fighters follow me. Black man. Electric. Butt on his chin, too.
He's a queer, but he is my son. Getting a break from that, it really super hurt. Gosh, I feel like I've just been kicked around so bad. You can't levitate or something right there. Yeah, no kidding. Can you imagine the microwaves that must have freaked out when this happened and the Death Star? Everything went kaputz. I'm now Jewish. Everything went kaputz. Boy, it was crazy then, huh? Did they even have microwaves? It got schmutz all over the place. Moisah. They eat the monsters in the place now. Take my emperor, please. Talk on to the strongest power source. It should be the power generator. Hey, wait. Battlestar Galactica? Later, mustache. Split up and head back to the surface. See if you can get a few of those type fighters to follow you.
There goes the DirecTV. Thanks. They just got season pass. NFL season. We've lost our bridge deflector shield. Intensify the forward batteries. I don't want anything to get through. Alliance are terrorists, dude. Goes to Trade Center. That's right. Time Darth Vader was like reading a children's story to a group of school kids. They come in and whisper to him. Get me my asthma medicine. I'm not kidding. Nick, this is a bad one, Luke. I'm not going to lie. I warn you. Your rectal ventilation is shut down. I think John Popper is underneath here. Yep, there's the harmonica. Yeah, he is.
He is under the... Christensen looks terrible. The blues traveler of space, ladies and gentlemen. That is the worst makeup job ever. I don't want to give me the run around. God, this is almost over. Hey, screw you. Eddie, seriously, when you saw this in the theater, were you disappointed at this point when you saw Darth Vader? Not at all. Why would I be? I wanted something more. It was terrible. Yeah, it's... What did you expect him to look like? Dude, when you saw the back of his head... In Empire. Yeah, please. And then you see this? Give me a break. I mean, dude, it's a guy with baby powder all over his face. Let's see. Makeup. What are you thinking? Maybe some talcum and a bald guy. And a vagina on the skull. Yeah. A little seal on the sides. Give us some blue. What do you guys think Luke's inheritance is? The cape? The suit? A little piece of the Death Star? Maybe. Upper level? My dad has sunglasses that look...
Just like that. You think it would be one shot? No kidding. Back to Saudi Arabia. You agree about that, Sky? Yep. The ecosystem ruined forever. Thanks, guys. Tell you what, though, guys. I hope that thing was insured by AIS, which you can call right now. 1-800-777-4... Shut up. AIS. No, but just a 10-minute phone call. All right, we know. for this. You love him. Did you say something? Yes. Where'd you get that scar on your chin? All right. When he comes back... It's not like that at all. He's gay. Duh. You couldn't have told me this before because... I like making out with you and my brother. I think it moved. I'm his sloppy seconds. I pinged her too, dude. She smelled like
That's going to take the burn. No kidding. Dumbass. Guys made a solid metal. You just got really serious on us. I mean, we were all having fun right up until then. Okay, more Lucas add-ons, everybody. If you're watching this on VHS, you're missing out. This adds a lot to the movie right here. Yeah, it's a cartoon now. Yeah. It's about to all make sense. Oh, I get it now. Yeah. Wow, you're so awesome, Lucas, for the cartoons that you make. I want to see Bugs Bunny run across the screen right now. Dick Clark live from space, ladies and gentlemen. The ball is about to drop. He still looks great, though. It's about to drop. Yeah. He was still alive in a galaxy far, far away a long time ago. Dude, Lucas.
has even changed the end music. Control, this is not the end music. There's nothing sacred. I want to burn him like Vader. Collaborate with Jeff Probst on this music. The Ewok tribe has spoken. Yeah. Give me your torches. I heard Rebecca laugh all day. The Ewok tribe has spoken. That got you. Are you kidding me? Fast forward now. It's over. Everybody hug. It's the last time we'll see Mark Hamill in a movie. Dana, how dare you for like this? Look at this. Oh, here's Lucas' big thing. There it is. Stupid. Death to you, Lucas. Because he added Hayden Christensen in the end. Slit his throat open. And you know, Hayden acted that really good. There you go. There it is. And we did it. Return of the Jedi. First one over. Get me out of here before Karate Kid.
All right, now how are we going to do this? How are we going to do this to where we get back to the studio? Just go back. Just go back. I'll cover. Did everybody have fun? I had a good time. I enjoyed it. I like Return of the Jedi. Yeah. There was some tough parts there. I'll tell you what, though. That new ending, I hate that. Oh, dude. I despise it. I love the old music. Yeah. It was like... Absolutely.