The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 01/07/11
Friday, January 7, 2011
addiction and recoveryadoptionfamily relationshipsembarrassing storiesradio gamesluxury toiletstravel mishapsworkplace comedymikey showradioted williamsrecovery
Ted Williams' emotional reunion with his mother prompted Mikey to compare the announcer's recovery story with his own estrangement from his father during addiction. Woodsy prepared to meet Chelsea, the 19-year-old birth mother who had selected him and Jamie to adopt her baby boy, while the crew reassured him that his people skills would carry the meeting. The show's comedy centered on a groin-shot game, Eskimo Blue Waters' fake cigarette rehab, Mikey getting locked out of his bedroom naked, and humiliating archival material involving Woodsy's Taylor interview and Mikey's old love poem. A long argument over Sienna's luxury Toto toilet asked whether its wash-and-dry system could replace paper, and another dispute left Woodsy insisting that Jay had scratched his guitar. Mikey closed with a concrete account of surviving abuse, bulimia, alcohol, crystal meth, cocaine, and sleeping-pill use before turning to faith and directing listeners with similar secrets toward help.
What happened, in order
Ted Williams Comes Home
Newly hired announcer Ted Williams reunited with his 90-year-old mother after 20 years, and she welcomed her prodigal son while warning him not to disappoint her again.
Come Home, Then Get Ignored
Lauren O'Brien said her New Jersey parents guilt her into visiting but then run errands, skip family movie night, and insist that she should always be the one to call.
Movie Plot Nut Shot
Jay and Woodsy played Movie Plot Hot Potato until Mikey stalled on Million Dollar Baby and the punishment machine fired a ball directly into Woodsy's groin.
Meeting the Birth Mother
Woodsy described flying to Colorado with Jamie to meet 19-year-old Chelsea, the birth mother who had chosen them to adopt her baby boy.
The $1,400 Super Toilet
Sienna pitched the Toto S400's heated seat, washing wand, dryer, deodorizer, massage, and remote while Mikey and the crew argued over whether it could ever replace toilet paper.
Waterfall Water Disaster
Lauren recalled drinking handfuls of supposedly fresh waterfall water during a Big Sur hike and suffering for days afterward.
EBW Goes to Rehab
Eskimo Blue Waters claimed she was entering rehab for cigarettes despite barely knowing how to smoke, then took Woodsy's chewing tobacco and slipped into a Kermit-like voice.
Locked Out Naked
Mikey locked himself out of his bedroom while naked, hid under a blanket in his son's tiny bed, and waited for Rebecca to rescue him.
Woodsy Interviews Taylor
The crew replayed Woodsy's painfully flirtatious Christmas street interview with Taylor and mocked his questions about her boyfriends, shopping, stockings, and deodorant.
Mikey's Long-Distance Poem
The hosts unearthed the melodramatic poem 22-year-old Mikey mailed to a Rochester record-store crush he had barely met, sending him under the console in embarrassment.
Who Scratched the Guitar?
Woodsy accused Jay of returning his Takamine guitar with a deep scratch, while Jay denied responsibility but offered to split the repair cost.
Mikey's Testimony
Mikey disclosed childhood sexual abuse, an eating disorder, heavy drinking and drug use, his father's ultimatum, and the night he asked Jesus for help and began changing his life.
People mentioned
MikeyWoodsyLauren O'BrienSiennaJayTed WilliamsJamieChelseaEskimo Blue WatersRebeccaTaylorMatt
33,543 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Welcome back to the show. It's the Mikey Show who took a 20-hour break from yesterday with a live studio. We have a full audience and a lot to do. A lot to do today. Word of the day is nostril. And when you hear nostril, all you need to be is the ninth caller. I'll say the word nostril between now and ten. And when you hear me say it, all you need to do is be caller number 9 at 570-1949. And you'll get a four-pack of tickets to the San Diego Safari Park, formerly known as the Wild Animal Park. And we'll also do a drawing for a two-night stay in Laughlin, Nevada, along with a $50 gift card. Laughlin, Nevada, it's like you own the place. You're getting good at that, Mike. I know it. I know it. Really good. And that's worth $500 when we do it. So stick around. EBW will be in at 8 o'clock, and that's going to be good times. You know, yesterday we were supposed to have EBW on, and we just weren't able to get to it. She was upset. Yeah, I know. She was. She's here already, of course. And she will be ready to go in just a little bit.
We have five people on The Mikey Show. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I am 40 years of age. Woodsy is our sports guy. He's 35, and he has a big weekend this weekend. Let's see. Lauren O'Brien, otherwise known as LOB, is our assistant producer, and she is sitting to my right. Sienna is our news girl. She's 25, and she's here as well. And Jay is our producer. He's 47 years of age, and he's got on the black knit cap today. Yeah. He's rocking the black knit cap. And the M1 shirt. Very nice. Yeah, he's wearing the M1site.com t-shirt, which is a site that's set up by M1 Danny, who has made a pretty amazing social place for M1s to hang out. M1s, of course, Mikey Show listeners. So if you listen to the Mikey Show exclusively, and when you call in, turn your radio down. And get to the point and don't cuss. That's what makes you an M1. Have you heard the latest about M1 site? What is it? They have done away with the forum section and they've moved it to Facebook. Really? And our boy Danny, I've never seen him be quite so bold. Really? He basically said, listen, you can cry about it. You can whine about it. But everybody's on Facebook now, so get over it. Oh, wow. I was like, Danny, oh my gosh, listen to you. You know what? Tell him.
I got to say, you know, Danny runs it like a business because like a business person would think that and they'd be right. Yes. I mean, a business person would see the way that the future is moving. And by the way, other social networks may even do the same thing. Right. I mean, other and his is a social network, but other social networks might say, listen, we can capitalize more if we get on with the big guy like Facebook. and still do everything we want to do but utilize one that's already got the infrastructure in place and works really well. That's kind of big picture thinking. Yeah, so if you go to Facebook and you put in M1 site, you can click on it and you join it. You know, you like it and you become fans of M1 site too. And there's a discussion tab that... I'm doing it. Yeah, do it. And what they do is they go every day and they talk about what we're doing. And, oh, Sienna, what she just said was hysterical or whatever. And it's like a forum, but they're doing it on Facebook now. Yeah. I like it a lot better. It's much easier to navigate. I bet. I mean, it's just the ease of use is very important. That's rad. And he calls it M1 site. There's already 300 people that like it. I liked it yesterday. I just liked it right now. That's rad.
So, yeah, if you hit discussions, it'll have kind of a day by day of what we've done every day this year. And you can look and see what's up and to comment. Isn't that great? How much easier is that? It's so rad. Yeah, it's so rad. Oh, I love that. Yeah, that's such a smart idea. I was very proud of Danny. Oh, dude, I think it's very smart. No filthy talk because we'll see it. Oh, yeah. We'll get you. Oh, yeah. See, I didn't know about that stuff. I hope it's not bad that I liked it and that I go to it and look at it. It's never filthy. I mean, is there never like? No, no, no. I mean, it's never really mean. I mean, they've said stuff before. It's usually about to me. And they're like, because they know that I've looked at it. They're like, what is this an idiot? I can't believe he didn't. I can't believe he didn't know the square root of 694 or whatever. And I'm like, well, I'm not real bright. Yeah. Yes, you are. M1 Nubian Prince from Old Town is on the line. What's up, Nubian Prince? Yo, yo, hey. This was a great week, you guys. Okay, I'll keep it short, Mikey. I'm a number one. I want to ask Lauren first about zinc. Do you take zinc? No, I haven't taken any zinc. Is that what I should be taking? Yeah, because it helps with, I got sick too, and I shot my cold down like two days. Ooh.
Just straight up zinc tablets? Yeah, just zinc tablets at Walmart for a couple bucks. It's pretty good. I've been sick. Well, I got healthy again, and then I got sick again. But my doctor told me, she's like, you can't take antibiotics for it, and it's going to come back over the course of a couple weeks. I was like, sweet. Can't wait. So maybe the zinc will work. Yeah, it works for me. And Mikey. Yes. Okay, so, dude. Hey, I'm number one, brother. I've been listening to you for a long time, bro. That call from Philly's Finest was really cool this week, man. That was great. You know, Philly's Finest is an old-time listener, and I've really been encouraging listeners from before to tune in as much as the new listeners that we have, and love the idea of it, and I think it's great, man. Yeah, and I'm hoping to hear more. You know, I've been listening to you for about maybe six years or so. I definitely featured them. That's awesome. LLB's demographic, too. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. I love you guys. I'll see you guys later. Thank you, brother. Thank you. We appreciate it. A couple of things going on. One of the big things in the world is this deal that's going on with the golden-voiced homeless guy and how the golden-voiced homeless guy...
now officially has a job in Cleveland, right? Yes, he does with the Cavaliers. Yeah. And what he's doing is he does their voice work. He does all that stuff. And he was on the Today Show yesterday and talking about how drugs and alcohol had affected his life and even went into his criminal record. You know, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't ask you about reports that beyond the drugs and the alcohol, there were run-ins with the law. Yes. Can you tell us about that? We heard about robbery and forgery. Yes, yes. The robberies and all have been broken down and anything. I've never stuck any, no violent crimes at all. It was all thefts and fraud type things. And that was just to afford the drug habits and so forth. But I ended up, the judges have been lenient, you know, because my, you know, it was like, okay, let's do this to them. And then, you know, I never got anything of any serious time or anything, but I did go behind, you know, fences with barbed wire and so forth. Well, he's being honest about it. Yeah.
He's very well-spoken. You know, like you would expect something different. And you can't help but just feel bad for him and hope for the best. I mean, did the guy work in radio at one point? Yeah, he did. He went to school for it, he said. He said he was a radio announcer in the past. That's what I know. It means he was a DJ. For a long time, I thought that I should call myself a radio announcer. And I did. It was very lame. Radio announcer to me seems more like sportsy. Yeah. For sure. What do you call yourself? A radio talk show host. Okay. He gets right to the point, says exactly what I am. Doesn't cuss. It turns his radio down. I always say radio personality. I do too. Because we're not the host. He's the host. We're the personalities. Radio personality is great. Perfect. It's a little embarrassing to write on an application. I don't know. It's weird. At the doctor and stuff like that. You're like. I just put on-air dynamic talent. So you lie. I also used to put broadcasting. I would just put broadcasting, which was true. That's good. Or broadcast media, because you don't get any questions. Nobody wants to know, really? Because they think that that means something lame and we're trying to make it sound cool, which is great. Because you don't get any questions from that.
Am I weird that I kind of want them to know that I'm on the air? Uh-uh. Well, when you're, like, searching your body at the doctor's office. But when you tell them that, I mean, my eye doctor got the whole office to listen to them. Yeah. Because they were like, what is that? You're a radio what? And I told them the station. Now, every time I go back, they're like, L-O-B. Yeah. Yeah. So cool. We've seen her naked. Yeah. My eyes. It's fine as long as I don't see you naked. Your eye doctor doesn't strip you down? If they see you naked, it's so weird. I know. Then you don't want to. It's happened. Yet another reason I do not go to the doctor. It's happened, Sienna. Oh, yeah. Someone said something to me after I gave birth to Sage. Try that one on. Oh, boy. I saw the video on YouTube. Shut up, Jay! Extra creepy this morning. But, like, I didn't even care then. I was like, oh, great. Like, I was just so happy. But now that I think back on it, I'm like, oh, wow. Kind of wish that didn't happen. Oh, wow. Yeah. How about mine when I couldn't pee pee at the hospital? Because I had all the drugs, the pain-killing drugs. That's the greatest. And they finally had to do a catheter. Inserted by a girl that looked like Heidi Klum. Yeah. Wasn't that fun? Mike wanted to find a janitor, anybody in there, like an old Filipino janitor to do it. Someone that was blind, they would do. I know you're going to think that this is a joke, but this is not a joke. If they had a Filipino janitor that would wash his hands.
I'd have let him do it. Over her. Over her. Over her. A million percent. And if he had come in and could barely even speak English, if he spoke broken English and understood a little bit of English, I would allow for someone who knew how to insert a catheter to walk him through the process. And then just let him. And then let him give it a shot rather than let her, a professional, good looking. Yes. See what she had to see. We definitely need somebody with small hands. Oh, boy. Under that blanket, man. When I walked in there that day, his face was like, you'll never believe what just happened to me. The hottest girl wanted to put a catheter in my wiener. He wouldn't let her. No, no, no, Woods. I did. But you fought her at first. You close your eyes and you just imagine you're in a happy place and it's not happening. I wanted to put a pillow over my head like a 14-year-old girl. But just remember, she sees it all the time. Really? Yes. She sees it all the time. I kept thinking at any moment she was going to say, by the way, I'm M1 Megan. Millie, enjoy the show. Tattoo's my favorite. I love Hoyle. Would you be willing to let Hoyle say hello to...
My mom, if I call her, as soon as I'm done with this. With this. This situation. This awful thing. M1 Mean Gene from Georgia is on the line. What's going on, Mean Gene? What's up? What's going on? You drinking whiskey at 7 in the morning again, Mean Gene? I'm drinking a mimosa. Is that okay? Of course. Love it. Of course he is. I'm just trying to top off my Christmas break from his class. I was sitting here real good naked with my snuggie and leopard skin that I got for Christmas. Wow, that's quite the picture you painted. Drinking of a moza. That's awesome. That's awesome. I keep imagining this nurse chasing Mikey around. Huge catheter around the hospital trying to get it inside of him. That's so great. Good cartoon. It was hysterical. Yeah, really good time. Yeah, that's terrible. Hey, speaking of being naked, so I was remembering back when I was insane over like 11 months ago, I remember there's like a one-year anniversary coming up for you guys, right? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, there is. Speaking of being naked. Speaking of being naked.
Please tell me we got some, like, big thing going down. Well, we didn't until just now, but thanks for letting everybody know. Yeah, we don't have a big thing planned, but it's going to be February 1st. It'll be the first day. We're going to show up. Yeah. We'll be dynamic that day, I promise. It's going to be great. That's exciting, man. I just want to say congratulations, guys. I've really enjoyed listening to you guys for the past year, and, man, keep rocking it on. All right, guys? That's awesome. Thank you, man. Thank you. That's a mean gene. 570-194-9 is our number. You can call us if you want to. Speaking of this guy, the homeless guy. Ted Williams. Ted Williams. He went on a few shows. In fact, he went on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and got to do some introductions for him. We have a great show! Guests are Jim Carrey. Guests Iron and Wine. Back to you, Jimmy. Wow, sounds good. Sounds great. Sounds really good. I wonder if he's super nervous. It's like, no pressure. He sounds so good. He sounds like he's been doing it forever. He does. Can you imagine going from sleeping outside to announcing the Jimmy Fallon show with nice clothes and a haircut and a new house? He's going to be rich. Not even just accommodating. He's going to be rich. I saw his tent where he lived before. Really? Really? Awful. Really? Awful.
Like a little lean-to in some bushes and scrubs. It was like this blue tarp over it. Sounds nice. Just awful. But, yeah, just think how far that guy's come. Oh, my gosh. In a week. I know. Well, here he is reuniting with his 90-year-old mother in New York. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. He's been here in 20 years. Hi, Mommy. Wow. I know I feel the same way, Mommy. I love you, Mother. I've been wanting to see you for the past hours. And it seems like everybody... Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. I'm home. I told you I was coming this year. I don't look the best, but I'm home. I got a haircut. I love you, Mommy. I love you too so much. 90 years old. Please don't disappoint me. God just happened for me. You always told me to pray. And I've been praying, Mom. You know what's going on? I love you, sweetheart. I love you, Mother. Yes, ma'am. Wow. Very powerful. She said, yeah, please don't disappoint me. And he says, I'm not, I'm not. I'm through with it all. You always told me to pray, and I've been praying. This has been a dream, a dream, and a prayer. Oh, boy.
She said something about the prodigal son. Yeah, prodigal son returned. She wouldn't speak to him, I'm assuming. I mean, you don't really know what happened, but for the last 20 years, you know, he had to get his stuff together before she would reconnect with him. Please don't mess it up. Yeah, it's so scary. That was my deal, too. My dad said the same thing when I was drinking. That's what you have to do when they get to that point, you know. You got to do it. Let's see. So Legoland announced something big yesterday, they announced it? Yeah, they, I mean, people, Some people knew that this was coming, but now a release date for the new Star Wars Miniland, which is at Legoland, has been announced. What is that? They're recreating six famous scenes from the Star Wars movie, and they're going to be featured with life-size Lego models of Chewbacca, R2-D2, Darth Vader, and it's going to be opening March 31st. Oh, sweet. Yeah, so people are really excited. Is that your Chewbacca? Yeah, it was the best I could do. That's Pee Wee Herman laughing. They're using a million and a half Legos. Wow. Isn't that nuts? A million and a half. I've never been to Lego Land. Me neither. I've got them in the back room of our house. Of course she does. Jeff has so many Legos. Gosh. I know that they have professional people come in to build those things. Oh, yeah.
Absolutely. Jasper's Legos are homemade. That's right. I make them out of old bars of soap. I have a twang and my son's name is Jasper. It's real catchy. Jasper! I make them out of soap and I also do adobe with them. I make adobe. He's got adobe Legos because they're cheaper. It's just mud, some thatch, some rainwater. Leave him out to dry 24 hours, you're good to go. Yes, I'm from Texas. Yes, you're frugal. Wood is from Texas, too. Yeah, I don't sound like that. Some hog fat soap. I just tie it all together and put it all, let it congeal, and then I make some Legos out of it. He loves it. I'm more earthy than Wood. He loves it. Yes, he is. Oh, Jasper. Do you know where the missus asked me to take her last night? Where? Legoland? Soup. Soup. Oh. Yep. I'm in on soup plantation. Still haven't been. Yeah. Have I? I haven't. But that's not Mike's cup of tea. No. He didn't like the germ factor. It's germy. They don't have truffles. They don't have truffles. They've got those shields, the sneeze shields. You're fine. Sneeze shields. Sneeze shields. He doesn't like the little kid's hands touching everything. Give us your bit with it. It's a little kid petri dish. Yeah. Little kids love, love soup plantation, right? So they're all, so this is what happened.
They got a cold. They're all sick. They go in there with their boogers on their hands like the snot with their rubbing their eyes and their snots, you know, and then they get to be big boys and big girls and they get to make the salad, you know, on the plate and they do. Then dum-dum me comes along and I touch those same tongs and I get my salad and then I rub my eyes and now I got a cold. That's what happens to me every single time. It's like a countdown. So my wife says, well, why don't you? Why don't you do your due diligence? Wash your hands when you're done. And I said, all right, fine. And then I forget. You forgot. I forgot. You should have a little antibacterial in your pocket or something. That's why Sienna keeps it in her purse. At all times. At all times. I have two in front of me right now. Are those non-smelly ones? This one smells good, but it's not girly. I love that smell. That one smells good, no. No. You have to put it on your hands. Don't smell it until it's been applied and dried. I can already tell. It smells good. The ones that smell like strip are really powerful. They're overbearing. They're usually a color. Pink. Pink, purple. Yeah, they're pink. They've got glitter in them. I've used that one before and gone home. My wife's been like, where were you? I'm like, it's 1030. I just got off the air. She's like, you smell. You smell like cheetahs.
Mike and I went for the buffet, but we didn't do anything. Trust me. We just like the hamburgers. Yeah, we love the burgers. Prime rib there is tops. Every probably normal radio host would probably save this next story for later in the show, but I need to know now. Yeah. I can't believe it's taken you this long. Yeah. Images fuel rumors of new iPhone. Oh, boy. Already. Okay. Now, you remember, I'm sure everyone who loves the iPhone does, before the iPhone 4 came out, there was that whole bar stunt where an employee of Apple, an engineer, left behind an iPhone 4 prototype in a bar. Right. And so everyone's like, what's this? What's this? Oh, my gosh. This is what it looks like. And they got to play with it. And people knew what it looked like and everything. Well, that may be happening again with the next iPhone. Yeah. I guess there were several iPhone repair and parts companies, and they're claiming that somehow they got a hold of parts that belonged to a new model of an iPhone. They took the video of this, this company Global Direct Parts, and posted the video on YouTube. Why would they do that? Yeah, of course. Why would they do that? I mean, why would they be allowed to? I don't know, but I think...
Just to say, look what we got. Sounds like Apple's doing a bit. It's already been taken down. But now everyone's like, what was that? Oh, my gosh. I keep hearing about this. What did it look like? Look at us sitting here talking about it, you know? Uh-huh. And it looks like if this is a new Apple iPhone that they've corrected the antenna issue. And you can kind of see there's a picture right here, Mike. You know better. Oh, boy. It looks like the iPhone 4, but there's like some other. details on it that, I mean, I don't know. I don't have the iPhone 4. Sienna, you showing him the picture of the iPhone is like you showing Jay and I a centerfold. Yeah. That's the exact, the same reaction. Does it look different? Oh, yeah. What is it that looks different? There's like a little USB, a tiny, okay, you know when you plug a camera in? Yeah. They don't have that on the iPhone? No, no, no. I mean like a tiny, you know, the tiny kind, not the big USB, like when a USB has the other little side. Yeah, like that. What do you use that for? Would I have to update software and stuff with my Blackberry? See, now, the iPhone, whenever you plug it into your computer, it does that. I don't know what that would be for. Something new and amazing. Oh, I know. A lion. A tiger.
On a diving board. The rumor that I read is that Verizon next week, they're talking about releasing it next week. Are you kidding? It can't be. They're at some kind of summit right now. The CES? Gosh, I don't know. I don't know which summit it is. And they're talking that they're going to unveil it. That is also part of this story, too. They're saying, you know, another theory that's circulating right now is that the parts belong to the reworked iPhone that's meant for the Verizon. I don't know. When you said that story, that's what I was hoping. I've had this junky phone for nine months now. Well, I've had it for a long time, but I've been waiting for an upgrade for actually almost 11 months now. Oh, wow. Waiting for that iPhone. We're both on Verizon. We're both getting an iPhone. Well, I'll get it as soon as it comes out. LLB will do some shopping around and she'll get it six months. This is for real. I've been waiting. Who do you think is going to be the first guest on the Piers Morgan version of the Larry King show? Because he took over. He'll be the first guest. Now, if you could pick any guest, biggest name out there that you would want, who would it be? Can you guess? Can you guess? Try to guess who it's going to be. We'll tell you next. Make some noise in here.
We got a live studio audience, and we got some quiet ride. EBW will be coming in about 8 o'clock. Also, word of the day today is nostril. When you hear me say the word nostril between now and 10, then you will be a winner of a four-pack of tickets to San Diego Safari Park, formerly Wild Animal Park, and a two-night stay in Laughlin with a... $50 gift card, and that's pretty cool. So be listening for that word when it comes out. Brett's Barbecue is stopping by today. Yes. Good. Yes. Good stuff, man. They're really good. And their catchphrase is, if it's not smoked, it's not barbecue. They have a couple of locations. They're on Encinitas Boulevard in Encinitas, and they're also on Craftsman Way in 4S Ranch. So pretty cool stuff.
For Piers Morgan, when he starts doing Larry King's job, who will the first guest be? So I've determined to start my new show with the ultimate bang. And for that, I needed the biggest star in the world, but also somebody who was one of the most powerful people in the world. And that narrowed the list down, well, as far as I was concerned, to one person. And that person wasn't available, so he got me. Thank you, Oprah. Weird. What? Didn't that sound weird? How must it feel to be her to know that she's just got that much power? Weird. Strange. Strange. She's immobile. His voice just assured me that I'll never watch it. I know. He's not at all natural. That is all I needed to know that I'll never watch it. I wonder if it would be an experiment like they do it for a week. Yeah, they go, it's just, there's no way we can't keep doing it. It doesn't work. Lauren mentioned something really interesting in her recap. She was saying how she hasn't talked to her parents since she's been back to California, which is what, a week? Came back a week ago? Yep. And she said ever since she moved here from New Jersey, they're constantly sort of doing the guilt trip thing of,
when will you move back? And are you ever going to move back? And that kind of deal. She says, but every time she goes to visit them, they spend most of the time doing their own thing. Yeah. And you don't see them. Yep. And it doesn't matter whether it's running errands or what they're doing. You know, she says that they're always gone. And so she finally was like, what's the deal? Like, is this, you know. My little brother actually said something. What did he say? Well, we were all going to, because even if they're at the house, my parents can't sit still, either one of them. So we were at the house and it was one of the last nights we were in town and we were all going to watch a movie together. And trying to get, Matt was in town and I had my other sister trying to get like six people to agree on one movie. It took us honestly like a half an hour and like.
some mean words being thrown out there to each other. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow. So we finally decide on one and then my mom starts like gathering her things and going upstairs. My little brother's like, where are you going? She's like, oh, I'm going up. I'm not watching a movie. He's like, oh, you're just going to, all right, we got two more nights. Yeah, you go. Yeah, go read. I'll see you six months, maybe a year. That's great. How did she react? She went, oh, and then just walked away. It's a perfect mom reaction. It's unbelievable, though. And the other mother was like, oh, you love me. Do you love me? That's Lauren's mom. Yep. It's her other mom. Other mom. So, and now, does anybody else experience this? 570-1949. Call us if you experience this thing where your parents tell you, come home. Come visit. Come home. Then you come home and they're good. Where are you? And the other thing that my mom says, my dad will... So once, maybe once a month, he'll call. I feel like he calls when he knows I'm going to be on the air so he can leave a voicemail. Yeah. He'll call and he'll leave like some long, like meaningful message and stuff. But I hardly ever actually get to talk to him when I call the house. But my mom's whole bit is like, I haven't even called me. That's not my job. You have to call me. Really? Yeah. She's like, I've raised my kids. She thinks that I need to call her.
Really? Only. Even if it's my birthday. She'll call her email, send a card and stuff like that, and then I won't get a call. She'll be like, well, you call me. Really? Yeah. I wonder if that's passed down generationally. You get that, Woods? I think so. I don't get it. Dude, no. I'm the opposite end of the spectrum. I talk to my mom, I would say, almost every day. I'd say probably five days a week. No way. And I talk to my dad probably. Probably three to five days a week. And my dad calls in and we email. Yeah. We're tight. We're really tight. My brother is not, and he lives there, so he doesn't talk to him as much. Yeah. He doesn't like the phone call. He doesn't like talking on the phone. He doesn't like to talk to me. Yeah. I genuinely like talking on the phone, so I'll call Gab with my mom for an hour. Really? Wow. Where do you find the time? I mean, you know, I'm not that guy. Do you have an earpiece in? No, I'm at home, and my mom will call, or I'll talk to her on the way into work, because it's 6 there, and she's getting up for work, and so we'll talk on the drive-in a lot. Really? Yeah, it's cool. You know, it's so strange, man. My brother, Steve, he calls my mom and dad every day. Really? Wow.
No way. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't do that. In fact, you know, it's just, it's hard for me. You live here. Yeah. I think that's the difference. And we live here. And he doesn't. I think I have, like, I think I talk to my mom more on the phone than I did the week that I was in town. Really? I talk to her more, get more information out of her. I would always call to talk to my dad. And we would talk, and he'd go, here, talk to your mother. Yeah. Damn it. Same thing. My dad does the same thing. Let's see. M1 Harold from San Marcos. Good morning. Good morning. Just so you know, they'll never stop acting. But what if I go back there? Then they won't hang out with me. Well, look, my parents live in Minnesota. I actually went back. My wife and I moved back there. We lived there for four years. I live 20 minutes away from my mom. And there was probably a four-month period where I didn't even see her one time. Wow. Well, that's how my brother lives about an hour and a half and away, and he says, yeah, you know, I live close by, and it's still, he's like, I have to drive there. They won't go to him. They will, but it takes a lot of coaxing and guilting. It's a generational thing. We talk so different. Thank you, Harold, for the call. We talk so different to our parents.
I think, than we do normally. Unless you just have a really special relationship where you would feel comfortable talking to them about whatever. But, you know, I just talk to my parents differently. Yeah. I don't. You don't? How I talk to you guys is how can I talk to my parents. Minus a lot of curse words. I don't really curse a lot around my parents. Sometimes I do. But, you know, I can call my dad and be like, oh, did you see that? That was total, you know, BS. We have that kind of rapport. But that's – my parents are – we're very, very close. Yeah. Very close. And me living away, it's tough, dude. It's tough not being able to see him. Yeah. I – my parents – my dad is very, very much the guy that will call and say, you got to call your mom. You got to call your mom, which is good. My mom's got Alzheimer's and so – If he didn't do that, man, and I wonder how many of my, I've never talked to my brothers about it, but it's true. Sometimes you move home, you don't see them as much as you did when you moved them away. I agree. But anyway, is Sienna pumping? I think so. I figured that's what was going on. She said a baby. Jay, what time does the food get here? It gets here at 7.30.
It's a long time. I'm hungry. Look at the fun bags on that horse hound. I want barbecue on my knockoff. I do too. I do too. I really do. Do you want to get crazy? This is a new remix. New year, new remix. Yeah. Excuse me while I whip this out. I want to know where to go. We just mashing up real good. Let's see. 5701949. This is M1 Gray Fox from San Diego. Are you there, Gray Fox? Go ahead. I just want to say, you know, great show. I love listening to it every morning when I go to work. I will be home and she doesn't spend too much time with her family because they're going around everywhere. Right. I was sort of forced to do the same thing because my mom works three jobs and I can only visit them once a year. I'm in the military. Right. And, you know,
I can only spend about maybe a day total with her. Right. Because she comes home late. Well. And it's just really hard. Yeah, I bet. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, my parents were both working. And it was the holidays. But even in their down time. Yeah. It's like, I've got my programs that I want to watch. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I want to watch my stories. Go to their room. 570-1949 is the number. You guys want to do a little movie plot, Hot Potato? Yeah. Okay. Let's do some movie plot hot potato. You can call us right now, 570-1949. And this time we're going to do something different. We're not going to do the BB gun. We're going to do balls being shot out of a ball shooter. Oh, like a pitching machine. Yeah, like a pitching machine. And we'll shoot them at either Jay or Wood's testicles. Wow, immense words. Well, here's the thing.
Here's the thing with it. First of all, if you're a kid, don't do this at home. These are professional men. These are professional grown-up adult men. And they know what they're doing. Would you have a cup in? I don't have a cup in. Let's see. Before we do that, M1 Nurse from La Mesa is on the line. And what was the word of the day? Nostro. Very well done. Man, you are listening so well. Very good. Hang on the line, okay? In fact, today we're going to do the drawing for the two-night stay in Laughlin, Nevada, which is really cool. Okay, so movie plot hot potato. The way that movie plot hot potato works is you have 60 seconds. Jay and Woods will toss a ball back and forth to each other, and they will describe movie plots to me. I got 60 seconds. Whoever's holding the ball last is the loser.
So as I'm able to figure out what movie they're talking about, then they toss the ball. Whoever's holding it last is the loser. M1 Chris from San Diego. Are you there? Who would you like to select, Woods or Jay? You got it. Hang on the line. And next up is M1 Blue from San Diego. You've got Jay, okay? Awesome. All right, hang on. All right, come on in. So they're playing for a pair of anarchy sunglasses. Nice. Come on in, Jay. I'm confident in you today, Woods. Thank you. I'm focused today. I'm usually on Team Jack. That's great. All right, let's do this. Now, they're going to describe movies to me, and hopefully I know what they are, and I don't get a brain fart. You got a ball? Yeah, I got a ball. You got a small ball. It's my turn today. Are you ready? I'm ready. Here we go. Takes place in Boston. Jack Nicholson's a mob boss. The Departed. Your wife's a huge nerd for this. Harry Potter. She talks to you in Elfish. Oh, Lord of the Rings. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Oh, wow. It's a Coen Brothers movie. Anton Chigurh has a page boy haircut. Oh, wow. No Country for Old Men. Yep. Old Jewish Woman has him as an African-American chauffeur. Oh, Driving Miss Daisy. Paul Giamatti loves wine. Sideways. Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Hilary Swank is a female boxer.
Oh, son of a... No, no, no, no. She fought Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman. The boxer. Gosh darn it. What is that stupid movie called? I can't think of it either. I know it. Give him clues. I can't. He knows the movie. He just doesn't know the name. Give him clues to the title. I can't. I love it when this happens. You can't give him clues to the title. It's got to be plot. Keep saying stuff about it. It's Clint Eastwood. Oh, man. I was wrong. Yeah, you were. Yeah, million. Million dollar baby. Million dollar baby. I thought it was the something. Oh. Million dollar. That's what I was saying. You can't give hints. I don't think you're allowed to give hints. That's like charades. Yeah, that's charades. I can't be like, it's money. It's money. You know, I have to. You call a girl. I'm trying to.
To just do plot and characters. Million dollar baby. The boxer. The boxer. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. It's going to hit me in the face. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Shouldn't you be doing it the other way? I don't want to hurt anybody. Yeah, someone's going to get hit. Hey, not that far. You're too far. Oh, my God. Jay's standing in the studio door. Woods is outside the studio door. He's got his knees. His knees are. Oh, wow. He's got his hands over his face. Oh, wow. That just missed him. Spread your legs apart. Spread your legs apart. Jay's shooting a ball machine. Close, close, but no cigar. Oh, stop. Directly in the boys. He's still shooting me. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. That hit him right. In the right one. What's he saying?
He caught one of them. Oh, wow. He's sunburned, too. I'm not sunburned. Your bed burned. It's a base. Oh, wow. He's been tanning. It's called a base tan. Oh. He's been tanning. I took a bronze voyage, okay? He wears lotion in a tanning bed, and it's called bronze voyage. And he is a man. You know, it's at the gym. The tanning bed's in the gym at Choose Fitness. After I work out. Yes. So it's not like he actually has a membership to tan. Today I'm going just to tan. But he bought the lotion and the goggles and he's been, every time he's gone to the gym, he's gone in the tanning bed. Yeah. Yeah. I may buy the after lotion today. I'm thinking about it. You should. It works. Yeah. What does it do? It just helps your skin calm it, relax it. Turns it tan. It's like a bronzer kind of. It makes, yeah, it's soaking quicker. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's great. 570-1949 is our number. So Woodsy is flying today to Colorado to meet the birth mother for their adoption. No pressure. There is no pressure. There's no pressure. There's some pressure. Are you nervous? Yes. What are you nervous about? Life changing. I wrote this in my blog last night. It's really weird to be sitting knowing that tomorrow is the biggest day of your life. So far. Yeah. So far. Yeah.
There is nothing bigger than has ever happened to me than what is going to happen tomorrow. So you guys are going to get there tonight. You're going to meet her in the morning. Yeah, we're going to go to breakfast. I talked to my wife this morning, so this is all. I got the pass to talk about this stuff. This is a girl. She's 19 years old. Her name's Chelsea. And she's super cute and super sweet. And we talk to her a lot on the phone. We text Jamie. and her text every single day. Um, so we were going to go to breakfast on Saturday, which is with her and her mother, which is going to be, I mean, I'm going to vomit before I go. I seriously, I don't get nervous, man. You can throw me at a party. I've never met anybody like you. I was at your little engagement party. I had like best friends before the night was over. Yeah. And, um, I'm really nervous about this one. This one, I'm really nervous. Well, but you are such a likable, normal dude. You're not like a stuffy. I'd imagine if a stuffy dude was going to meet a 19-year-old girl and being scared because he'd be like,
Is she going to think I'm a dork? Is she going to think, you know, she's going to love you. And Woods, you know that people skills is like your number one gift. You know, you know what else I do? I know I'm always awkward. You know, but you know what else I do a lot is I put my foot in my mouth a lot. A lot. A lot. No, you don't. So I can picture me at breakfast like just eating and drinking coffee. But so we're going to take her to breakfast and then we're going to take her shopping and get her some maternity clothes and all that stuff. And dude. It's a trip. It's a trip. Is the purpose of this just because they need you to meet her and it's like you got to meet the birth mother? You know, it's funny. It's a great question because you send out this pamphlet and Jared did my pamphlet with Jamie and I and we totally went against the grain of what we were supposed to do. We wanted it to be different and we wanted it to look different.
Really cool. Stand out. And it did. A month later they called us and she had seen it. And what really got her when she looked at it was Jamie and I and our dogs. She loved the dogs. And so we both had spoken to her a little bit. Bringing any dogs with you? No dogs. They're all staying at home. But no, you meet her. Just so everybody is comfortable. Yeah. You know? That's a good idea. It probably depends on the birth mother too, right? Whether or not they want to meet you. And with us, we'd be comfortable no matter who it is. Yeah. We'd be comfortable. You know? It's really her. And I anticipate that it's going to go well. I really do. I'm really nervous about it. But it's, you know, it's just a big deal. And you don't want to do anything or say anything. You don't want to do or say anything to where she even goes, ooh. No, you won't. Is she cute? Yeah, she's very cute. I don't think you will. I don't think I will either, but you never know. She may look at me and be like, that guy's kind of a D. You never know. You never do know. But I really anticipate it's going to go well. We're really excited. It's a couple months away, and if this goes well, the wheels really go into motion.
They really kick in and it's almost a done deal assuming everybody's healthy and everything. We'll have a little kiss. Are you going to touch her belly? Yes. She says that it kicks and stuff all the time. It's fine. It's a boy, by the way. I think we've said it. We've all said it. It's a boy. Which is rad. Yeah. Todd's so jealous. He's about three and a half pounds right now. Oh, wow. And he's kicking. It's perfect. It's rad. That's awesome. I mean, we laid in bed last night. We were bawling. Both of us. March. March, yeah. Oh, wow. Are you crying as well? Yeah. It's so great. It's so weird. Yeah, it's pretty cool. So thank you guys. I'm really excited. It's so awesome. Good luck. You're not going to need it. It's going to be so exciting. Yeah. This is interesting. Sienna is looking at something called the Model. I won't tell you what it is until we come back, but it's the Model S 400, and I will tell you that it's front and rear washing. It's got an automatic air purifier, and it does feature massage. Now, you may be wondering, what could that be? And we will tell you when we come back. Make a little noise. Let's make some noise with our live studio.
So, we're going to be talking about what it is that Sienna has discovered in just a minute. The Mikey Show is myself, Woods, L-O-B, Sienna, Jay, and our phone screener, Chris. Eskimo Blue Waters. She is a local entertainer, really working on the entertaining career. And, you know, she doesn't have a lot of gifts in the ways of music or whatever, but she keeps giving it a shot. She does have a blog. She does. On sandiego.com. Sandiego.com, and you can read her thoughts. How often does she blog? Once a week. On Mondays, I think, is what she told me. Okay. Well, I will definitely... I read her first blog, and it was really something else. Very insightful. It was amazing. Yeah. It was definitely insightful and amazing. Good, be a crackhead! Yep. Thank you. So, have you guys heard of the Toto Toilet? The say what? Mm-hmm. You have? I know the brand. Toto? Yeah. It's a good brand. Toto Toilet is something that Sienna has seen. I haven't seen it. I've only heard about it. You've only heard about it. Now, you know the specifics on it, though. Front and rear wash. Oh, no. Well, here's what the advertisement says about the...
About the S400. It says, experience the ultimate in clean comfort with an automatic hands-free flushing system and a sensor-activated lid that automatically lifts as you approach the toilet and lowers as you walk away. A convenient, easy-to-use remote control affords you effortless operation of our most luxurious washlet. Gets better. To date. Just wait. It's a toilet? You guys, I want it. It sounds like a bidet. It does, but better. Here's what it's got. Auto flush activated by sensors or the simple touch of a button. It also has automatic open close lid use that's activated by sensors. Husband won't have to worry about that. Yeah. It's got the simple touch of a button. on the remote control. So, in other words, let's say you do your business and then you walk away from the toilet. You can use the remote to flush it. Yep. Why would you... Yeah, how would you... It'd be another remote to lose. That's true. Has anybody seen the remote? I gotta go. Yes. There's a button that you can flush as well, but it's just a little extra feature. They're like, hey, somebody was in the bathroom and I can't find the remote. I'm disgusted right now. You can push a button and flush it also. It's got gentle...
Aerated warm water. For cleanup? I'll explain. It's got what they refer to as front and rear washing. Who needs toilet paper? I'm in. Front washing? For the girls. I'm not going to complain about it, pal. It's great. Massage feature. Oh, wow. Gluteous massaged. Warm air drying with variable three temperature setting. You wouldn't need toilet paper. I like toilet paper. Wet and then dry. What if it misses a spot?
Then you tell it you missed a spot. A little to the left. It washes your bottom. And dries it. And massages it. It's got an automatic air purifier. I've never even heard of it. It is the bomb.com. You sat on one? Oh, yeah. I built one. No, no. My buddy put one in his house. He put one in his house and we all went over. He had to have a water line installed and all this stuff. First off, he was just showing us. So we're all like. What? And then you have to put pressure on the seat to make it go into its routine. It's like this little wand comes out to do its washing. A wand. A little wand. A little wand comes out. But it's self-cleaning. It self-cleans. And so he was pushing down on it. He was like, here, watch. Watch the water. And the way he was pushing on it, because no one was sitting on it, the water shot out of the toilet across as I was diving out of the way. Oh, wow. And then he's like, oh, we're going to go back downstairs. I was like, okay, I'll be right down. I was like, sit down. I was like. You got a gluteus massage? I don't like the wand one bit. Oh, the wand was wonderful. I like all of it. It's got an automatic air purifier. Brilliant. It's got a heat seat with temperature control. Nothing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat. Wireless remote control. Thank goodness it's wireless. Can you imagine a wire sticking out of your hand? With a large LCD panel. Good, because the small LCD panel.
Wouldn't suffice. It's got a docking station for easy cleaning and installation. Good. It's got a cleaner. Good. With a sleek look. Perfect. And it's got a reinforced base plate for enhanced durability. Wow. How much? Does anybody know? I don't know. We're talking 40K here for this thing? I can look. I do have the website. The S400. My favorites. His was Bucks. Because I looked at it afterwards. I was going to do my own. Of course you were. Of course you were. I wasn't going to build my own. No, I was going to install it myself. I'm going to build my own. But I was just like, you bought this for your wife? He bought it for her after she gave birth because he thought it would be nicer for her. I'm going to vomit. I'm going to throw up. Yeah, you have to take care of things. Why? Just all that was just weird. That just freaked me out. Yeah. I know it's adult talk. The birth part? It is. Oh, my gosh. It is adult talk. You guys, it looks awesome. Let me see. It is awesome. I don't see the price. Here's the thing. In order to get that, you have to really love going potty. The potty has to mean a lot to you. Everybody has to, though. It looks like a toilet.
Okay, for you guys that love to camp out on it and just read, imagine getting a nice little massage. It's warm. Nice little air dry. Sienna, if it had like a hot plate or like a cutting board, I could make sandwiches and stuff, I'd be all the way in. Or like a little refrigerator, I'd be on board. That's so gross. I would add one feature. What? It would be a spittle detector. Because somebody at our house, one of the boys, or I'm trying to be delicate, a drop detector. Drop detector. Cannot hit the proper area, and it's always on the seat. Well, you have a house full of three girls and two boys. I know. You're one of them. So who do you think it is? Three boys. Three boys. Two of the boys. I think it's the oldest boy, but he will not fess up. He hasn't lit the seat up? You know, I haven't watched, so I don't know. I don't. You sit down. No, I know, but even when I don't sit, I don't lift the seat up. What? Nobody can. I don't really. I do. I don't really. I do too. There's a shake involved. If there's any issues, there's toilet paper to come along behind. Yep. Absolutely. Clean it. That toilet looks weird. It does. It doesn't look like a normal toilet. It looks like a strange space age toilet. It is awesome. Welcome to 2011. It looks like the kind of toilet that Mork would go to the bathroom. She needs toilet.
You need a new toilet, I think, because yours are small. Oh, yeah. We have a really small one. Our house was built in the 20s, so everything's really old school. The lollipop gang has problems on your toilet. Shopping for a new toilet, which is, I'm guessing, how you found this new toilet. Someone told me about it. My husband doesn't know about this, and he's listening right now, and he's absolutely saying out loud, no, no, no. Did you get a price? No, I can't find it. Oh, I need a price. Yeah, I need a price. $4,000. At least. Here's the problem. I don't commute for an hour in my toilet. That's part of the problem. If you buy a car, you do so because you've got a long commute time. You're going to spend a lot of time in the car. The toilet, yes, I do a lot of work at the toilet. Yes. I take a... I take a MacBook Air, and I have a little TV stand that I put on my delicate lap. You put a TV stand on your lap? Yeah, it's like a TV stand, yeah. So his thighs don't get warm. Yeah, well, it's not warm, but cold. Because in the morning, the computer's very icy cold, and I don't want it to chill my legs. I have a guarantee of how we can get Mikey to buy one. Put an apple on it.
Oh, yeah. Mike, if I got one of these toilets, you would make a special trip to my house so that you could try it. I wouldn't do my business in it, but I would go sit on it. I'd be like, Mike, are you done yet? I'm like, just give me a few more minutes to demo. Will you slide the Union Tribune under the door, please? You guys do a lot of business from your computers. Yeah, my little thing I use, it's got like a bean bag underneath it. And then it's got, on the top it's made of wood, and it's got a little tray, like a wooden tray on the top. I have a better move for you, if you're interested. What? I use my garbage can as my stand. Plastic? It's metal. And you turn it upside down? I don't. I just sit it right on top, and I do my deal, and I'm working, and I'm checking emails. I can't do that. It's too low? It's too, my arms aren't long enough. What about a TV tray? That's what he says he uses. No, no, no. A TV tray. That's what it is. No, like a TV tray with legs that stands up nice and high. It'd be like you're sitting at a desk. Why don't you just finish up your business? And go to your desk. And go to your desk. That's a brilliant point. How, on average, I want to know, on average, how much time in one sitting do you spend in there? In the morning, a long time. Yeah. 20. Hours? 20. 20 minutes. 20 minutes. I'll go 20 minutes in there.
And do stuff? I spent 60 seconds. This morning I didn't do anything. So if I'm getting an early email from you, odds are you're in the bathroom. Yeah, but I don't do anything. I can't do anything. Sometimes. It's a quiet place. It's a quiet place. Your whole house was quiet at that time, isn't it? I know. Yeah, it's very quiet. And you know what else is great about it? We have what I call the poop closet, which is just a tiny space in the bathroom. Which makes it worse. No, no, no. Here's the deal. There's a... an air vent in there and when the heat's just right. Oh, yeah. But what about the smell? There is none. I didn't, you know, a lot of times nothing's going on. She just hangs out in there. And by the way, I have the Nature Calls drops. It's a poop drop. Don't nobody go in the bathroom. I couldn't remember the name of those drops and I was telling my friend who was going on her first trip with her boyfriend, like, there's these drops that you need. Nature Calls. Don't get them. Oh. Overpowering. Oh, yeah. They're real strong. They work. He'd know. He'd be like, oh, wow, you just pooped. He would know. Oh, I see what you're saying. Better than the alternative. Here's the thing about the nature calls. These are drops that you put in the toilet before you do anything. Before. Before. They go in there before. They're activated by. Yeah, they're activated by the water. Liquid or like tablets. It's liquid. It's liquid. It comes in a small little black bottle and you go bloop, bloop.
And it drops three little eye drops. Such a great invention, though. Oh, yeah. It becomes immediately you smell eucalyptus, like the smell of like a spearmint or peppermint sort of eucalyptus type smell. I know eucalyptus. Like a menthol sort of. It's like a menthol sort of deal. And then when you're done, it really does get rid of any odor quite readily. Kind of ruined that smell for me, though, now. Yes. It's kind of grossed me out. That smell makes me think of that now. How many other times are you smelling eucalyptus? Like whenever you go, I mean, there's like some massage stuff that has eucalyptus in it. He goes to Asian Tan and gets massages, and they use eucalyptus. I'll say this, though, Jay. I think that it's better to smell eucalyptus. and think of poop than to smell poop and think of poop. For sure. Just my own. I don't know. Just my own. I don't mind my own smell. It's other people's smell. Oh, gosh. I mind it all. So the toilet, the S400, is $1,400. That's not bad. Not bad. That's totally doable. How much is a regular toilet? A couple hundred. Yeah. And M1 Clint from El Cajon has one. Oh, yeah. You there, Clint? Can I come over? Yeah, I can. And you have one. I do have one. My father bought it for me when I built my house.
Now, you're talking about the S400, the one that's got the remote control and all that? It has a remote on the same exact one that you're talking about. This one goes on an existing Toto toilet. You can, like, retrofit it. Okay. Those are cheaper. Those are, like, $500. Yeah. They're really nice. And it's got a seat warmer on it or no? A seat warmer. It's got the little air thing. It's got kind of a sanitizer to keep the smell down. Nice. I like it. Do you use toilet paper? You do. You don't have to use as much. Yeah, because it cleans you. It washes you, dries you. That's filthy. I don't like that idea, though, Sienna. Oh, I love it. That's what they do in a lot of other countries. They think that toilet paper, they're like, what's with the paper? Mike, you could sit there and do your computer stuff and just get up and be done. No. I would never feel clean. Me neither. Really? Sienna, if it sprays you.
It can't know you as well as you know you. So it's spraying and I'm like, no, that's not right. But maybe it's an extra clean, you know, it's like taking a mini shower and then. But you know, my problem is, is that afterwards, then I got to turn that dryer on and I'm going to go, I don't feel dry enough. Now, what do I do? Do the baby wipe first. I love the baby wipe. You guys are going overboard. Now you got toilet paper. You got baby wipes. You got water. And you got a dryer. And you got a $1,400 toilet you just paid for. Yeah, but you'll get cleaner from water plus baby wipe than you ever would with just toilet paper. You won't have to worry about skid marks. Get in trouble for skid marks ever again. I was five when that happened. You'll walk around so confident knowing that you're clean. You smell great. It's true. For sure. It's true. Don't think I would spend that much money on a toilet. But if it was there in the house, I'd be stoked. I guarantee if you spend the weekend in a hotel that had one, you'd be like, dear, we're getting this toilet. I did say that. You did? There's no way. It's just too much money. Let's see. Hey, M1 Susan from San Diego. Are you there? I am. Jay Drew, your name. You're going to Laughlin, Nevada. Congrats.
All week we've been qualifying people, and you just won yourself a two-night stay in Laughlin, Nevada, along with a $50 gift card. Laughlin, Nevada. Nice. It's like you own the place. Yes. You're owning it. All right, hang on the line, okay? Have fun. All right, I will. Congrats. It's going to be fun. Get some. She will. She will. Let's see. M1, Stephen is on the line. Are you there, Stephen? From Temecula. Stephen. Stephen. Stephen. Or is it Mark? Mark, hi. Hi, Mark. More than likely. What's going on? Good. Not too much. What's going on? A overnight layover in Japan about seven years ago. This is going to be great. And this is luxury of luxuries, man. Really? The Japanese are on it. They know what they're doing. Yeah. Did you sleep in a tiny little, like, cubby? No, it was a full-size hotel room. For men and women. I mean, it's specifically for women. Wow. I mean, little pictures and everything, you know? So it was in the hotel room? It was like a part of the room was these kind of toilets? Oh, yeah. I mean, they had heated mirrors, you know, so it clears the steam off the mirrors and everything. Did you find the toilet experience there to be better than the toilet experience here? Oh, most definitely.
I wish it was like a week-long thing, you know? Making me want to go to Tokyo. I know, right? Just buy the toilet. I've heard from friends that have done like European vacations and stuff. It's the second reason why I, well, it's the third reason why I won't go to Europe. The first, the food, I just won't be able to eat it. The second, all the walking around, I'll be tired. I won't do that. And the third. Is the toilets. And when my buddies told me the stories of the toilets in Czechoslovakia, I was like, well, never. It's a string. It's a rope. And it's a board that goes like that. And it folds down. And I was like, nope, never. I'll never go to Czechoslovakia. You pull it and you do it on the board. And then you pull the thing and it goes like that. And it tumbles down. It's filthy. When I went to Morocco, you open a stall and all there is is a hole. A hole? Yeah. A hole. You just squat. Never, ever, ever. I've seen the holes. Ever, ever. Do they just keep covering the hole? No, it's an open hole. It's really deep. Like how deep was the hole? I don't know. I wasn't like checking it out. It was to China. I would need to know. There was like little foot grips on both sides of the hole so that you don't slip and you just squat and release. And?
Release. Hello, Miss Lady. Never. My buddy, Mark Bodick, was telling me about it. He was retching when he was telling me about it. And I started to retch. Going on a board would be pretty gross. Here's the thing. What's the purpose of the board if it's going to tumble underneath the board? So you don't see underneath? Maybe. Oh, thanks. But you got to see. The smell out. You got to see as you're done. Really? Maybe take the. Just don't look. Next time, don't go on the board. Pull the thing first. So there's a hole. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to think of their thinking. It's making me sweat. I'm trying to get into their heads and go, what were they thinking? Maybe your buddy did it wrong because that, if it's a hole. Yeah, maybe your buddy did it wrong. Maybe he did. He could have. Yeah, because if it's a hole, they're trying to keep the smell from walking in. The Czechoslovakians came in and they were like, what's happened here with this board? This board is disgusting. This is disgusting.
He didn't understand the concept of the board. I was pulling it first as to open the hole. But why would you have to hold the rope while you're going to do it? It makes more sense than going on a board. Really? You don't think that board would become filthy after five minutes? The board is in a hole, obviously. And you sit and you do and then you pull the thing and the board tumbles. It's filthy. It's so gross. So yeah, that's the third reason why I will not go to Europe. Oh, wow. Not all the toilets are like that in Europe. It doesn't matter. It's in my head and I'm like... I bet he used it the wrong way. It's in my head that that's how it is there. So I'm like, let's see. A trip to Prague is five grand. I'll just go to Maui for five grand. You know what I mean? Where I know everything works and it's beautiful. And where you can plug your hair dryer in and you don't need to go buy some... you know, extension thing to plug in. You can use your dollar bills. I can use dollar bills. I don't need euros and stuff. You bring your American movies. You can't play them on the DVDs over there because it's region two. And you need, like, when you go over there, you need one of those, like, fanny packs that goes under your clothes to hide your money because of pickpocketers. Sounds...
Delightful. Yeah. I'd rather just go to Maui, put my feet up and go surf, swim in the ocean, hang out with my wife, drink pina coladas. Two different trips. Yeah. Yeah. One's a beating, one isn't. Exactly. One is history and the experience of trying new things. A pass. Expanding your horizons. It's beautiful there. 15 years ago, I would have been... All the way in. If I want to try new things, I'll go to El Cajon and join a gang. It makes you appreciate what you have here. Yeah, it does. It makes you realize where your ancestors were. That's not the point of a vacation. A point of a vacation is not to make you appreciate what you have at home. It's to make you... comfortable and you're lavished and everything is beautiful. We're a melting pot here so it makes you appreciate how the other half lives. It makes you appreciate maybe how your ancestors live. Hey listen, Ella B stands by what she says. She's done it. She does that. She's very adventurous and she goes to different places. I could never do it. I love it. Have to have high speed wireless. I want everything to smell nice. I want the bed to be nicer than the bed that I have at home.
I want comfort. A bed is important. Oh, my goodness. Like, she's got a friend named Jamie that goes with her boyfriend, and they'll go places where they dig their own hole. Yeah, I'm not really in on that. I'd do it if I had to. You guys, they do the most horrific things I've ever heard. She got, this is terrible, she got a... Bladder infection. Who is this? This is Jamie, Rebecca's friend. Rebecca's friend. That she grew up with. She got a bladder infection and she couldn't figure out what she had. She didn't even know what she had. Oh, that hurts. And she was like, oh my gosh, I've had something crazy in this country. I'm not sure what it is. Blah, blah, blah. You know what she had done? She went swimming in these beautiful underground caves. Well, the underground caves had bat guano. all in the water where they were swimming. Yeah, ooh. She could have made lotion out of it. You know who that doesn't happen to? Yeah, the guy in Maui. Yeah, the guy in Maui watching TV in his room. That happened to me in Big Sur. Well, not swimming, but drinking in the water. That's such a great story. It's the greatest. It's so L-O-B. It's so L-O-B. Let's hear it.
We were like, we went on this long, we hiked for like six hours and we found this waterfall and we were like, it's so fresh. Gulping it, taking two hands and drinking it. Meanwhile, there's a guy up on top of it. Mike is squatting as in reading a newspaper. I mean, it tasted wonderful. The next day it was like, oh, that's not right. Oh my gosh. For days. Oh my gosh. Days. I bet it did. I bet it tasted great. Well, and the thing was, I was on a road trip with my, it was more, it was like an out west exploration, this two week trip that me and my ex-boyfriend took. It was right after we graduated college. So it was happening to me and I was terrified, but I wanted to know if I needed to go to the doctor. Oh wow. You know her. Yes. She's like, I have stomach cancer. Yeah. And like. Yeah, so he had it too. And then like two days later, he got stung by a wasp on his head and his face blew up. Oh my gosh. Sounds rad, L.O.B. Where do I sign up for that? His whole face blew up. It's the worst. I can picture her like, I see L.O.B. like, oh my God, look at that waterfall. I'm free. This is nature.
I made it. I made it. Making love under a waterfall real sweetly. Oh, my goodness. I love it so much. It's one of my favorite stories. 5701949. Let's see. We've got M1 Veronica on the line from Escondido. What's up, Veronica? Good morning, guys. How are you? Good. So I went to Israel a couple years ago, and there is the coolest. toilet. And the women are going to love it. It has like a plastic cover, I guess you could say, where you sit and you push a button and it rotates automatically. So you don't have to worry about it falling in or anything like that. And it's always clean. Yeah, I know what you mean. They have those at LAX. The plastic cover, you mean? Oh yeah, I've seen those. Those are the best. It's got a plastic seat cover so that you're not sitting on anything disgusting. And, you know... When you sit on it and you get up, it automatically goes. I want to tell you something. And it puts a new piece of plastic over the seat. Allegedly. I'm afraid that they're rotating the same six ones over. Oh, yeah. Guaranteed. I don't trust those things. I would always push it just to make sure that it was clean. Because it was an automatic one over there. But, yeah, I just push the button. I even take a picture of it. I'm like, this is the coolest thing. It looks cool, but I don't trust it. Post it on the Facebook page. I want to see it. I will.
All right, thank you. Thank you. That's M1 Veronica. Make some noise in here with our live studio audience. So the Carolina Panthers have the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, and it looks like they better come up with a plan B. We'll tell you what we mean next. I would have everybody in the studio clap right now, but they can't because they're eating some extremely delicious barbecue from Brett's Barbecue. If it's not smoked. It's not barbecue. And I'm eating it. It's really good. They have a couple of locations. They're on Craftsman Way in Forest Ranch. And they're also on Encinitas Boulevard in Encinitas. And it's great, man. They're just east of El Camino Real on Encinitas Boulevard. And it's really, really good stuff, man. Real good. Real authentic. And I know this. Woods has been saying.
Since he got here, he wished that he could find a barbecue place that did some real good authentic brisket. And they do it there. And so if you're looking for that, that's the place. We're going to do some Woods on Sports here in just a minute. So stick around. We got that coming up here in just a second. And 8 o'clock, about 25 minutes from now, our very own Eskimo Blue Waters will be making a stop in. And she's going to be... Yeah, she's here, but now Eskimo, not yet. You've got to wait. You actually have to wait. Let's see. Let's do a little Woods on Sports. Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. Well, there is a lot going on in the football world and college football and pro football. First things first, let's talk about Jim Harbaugh. He's the Stanford head coach right now. He is being wooed all over the country. He met in Miami yesterday for a long time. They've decided to keep Tony Sperano in Miami. Now the latest rumors about Jim Harbaugh are the Niners. But I also think that the Denver Broncos have to be in the mix. John Elway is a Stanford guy. He is now the executive vice president. And they asked him basically what he thinks about Jim Harbaugh. Cut one. I did mention to him, I understood that everything that was going on did not want to take a lot of his time.
with the game that he had to play and everything that he had to do with it. But I did mention to him that if he decided that he wanted to make a jump to the NFL and wanted to go the NFL direction, that the Denver Broncos would be interested. Wow. I think what was so interesting about that was that Elway was actually riding on a Bronco at the time that he made the statement. And kind of looks like a Bronco. What? It's okay. Oh, my God. It's okay. I do that, too. He doesn't look like a bird. Yes, he does. All humans look like an animal. Woods, woods, woods, woods. Also, the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame has inducted its two newest members. Now, this is going to be an interesting debate in the upcoming years. It's the steroid era now. Those guys are now eligible. But the two guys that made it are Roberto Alomar and Burt Blylevin. Both really, really good baseball players. Obviously, this was one of my funniest clips that I'd ever heard. This is the National Baseball Hall of Fame president, Jeff Idelson, talking about Robbie Alomar being inducted. You're going to get a kick out of this. Cut to. He earned the third most votes in balloting history. He's our third Puerto Rican-born Hall of Famer, joining Orlando Cepeda and Roberto Clemente. Roberto Alomar, bienvenidos a Cooperstown.
Oh, wow. He gave the Roberto. There's no double R in the beginning of Roberto. Yeah, he's rolling his R's maybe where he doesn't have to. No, you say Roberto. Roberto. It's for a double R. And Mikey talked about this coming into the break. Andrew Luck, who is the Stanford quarterback, and he is a phenomenal. prototypical NFL quarterback. It's also what they said about Brady Quinn, and he hasn't done anything. But Andrew Luck has decided that he's going to stay in college. It's pretty refreshing. And get his degree. He says he's committed to earning his degree in architectural design from Stanford. He's on track to accomplish that the spring of 2012. He's going to play another year. Now, the Carolina Panthers have said straight up. We want Andrew Luck. I don't think that this has anything to do with his decision. I honestly feel like the fact there's a couple of things. They may be locked out next year, and he wants to stay. I mean, why wouldn't you want to stay at Stanford? I mean, it's not like you're not playing in Minnesota or something. I mean, you're in Palo Alto. It's beautiful, and you're doing well, and your team is doing well, and you're on the upswing. So I wonder now, since Luck said if he's staying,
I wonder if Harbaugh is going to stay. It's a crazy thing, but I thought it was really refreshing to see a guy very committed to earning his degree, staying in, and if the time is right for him, to join the draft next year when he's a senior, after a senior year. The 49ers seem like a... seemed like the choice for Harbaugh for me because he doesn't have to move. If it's a San Francisco thing, he doesn't have to move. And they'll love him. Yeah, Palo Alto and Santa Clara where they practice are right next door to each other. So he didn't have to move. And I know they were going to up their offer to like $6 million. I don't know what they were offering him before, but I know it's going to be the offers being upped to $6 million. What I did here is... But traditionally, the last few years, the Niners haven't been a team that have been willing to spend a lot of dough on players. And that may have something to do with it. I mean, if you're going to take a job, you want to know that the ownership's behind you and they're going to give you the tools you need to win. And I don't know that they're doing that right now. But, I mean, it sure is a sexy name for them. You know, it's a real sexy hire and it's a real, you know, if it doesn't go well, you're like, well.
why wouldn't we have hired him at that point? He's the hottest coach in football right now. And then we didn't get to this yesterday, and I wanted to talk about it, but Michigan did, in fact, fire Rich Rodriguez. We might have mentioned earlier in the week that they were thinking about it. Then they did fire him. It was late breaking news. But here's the University of Michigan Athletic Director Dave Brannon talking about it. Cut three. I met with Coach Rodriguez this morning. and informed him of my decision to relieve him of his responsibilities and to pursue new leadership for our football program. I believe this is the best decision for the future of Michigan football. Yeah, and it was the best decision for the future of Michigan football when you hired him three years ago, too. But we'll see what happens. The hottest name on there. Ticket is Brady Hoke, who coaches at San Diego State. And finally, Jason Garrett. Garrett! Will remain head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Really? That's what's on sports. Let's see. So we got this email, and we even talked about how we were going to be mentioning it today. We got this email, want to get people's take. 570-1949 is the number. Mikey, imagine getting hooked up with box seats to watch your favorite sports team, and then your girlfriend tries to take those seats away.
This is what's going on in my life right now, and it's killing me. I'm a huge fan of the Lakers, and my ex-girlfriend works for a company who has a box at the Staples Center. She called me earlier this week to offer me two tickets to sit in the box. I guess a bunch of her coworkers couldn't make it to this game, so there were a bunch of extra tickets, and she thought of me because she knows how much I love the Lakers. However, my current girlfriend of the last year and a half, is furious that I would even consider doing this. She is the person I invited to come with me, and my ex will not even be there. My girl keeps saying things like, I'm not going to be able to enjoy my night knowing it was sponsored by Heather. Is it? Please help. I love my chick, but how can I possibly pass on this opportunity on One Lake Show?
Sponsored? Sponsored. I love that line. It's a pretty great line. It's a great line. Here's the thing. Furious means hurt, sad, or fearful. So I wonder what it is. Hurt. She could be hurt that you are still talking to your girlfriend. She could be sad that you're still talking to your ex-girlfriend. And she could be fearful that you're still talking to your ex-girlfriend. Yeah. All of those form a perfect storm known as fury. Fury. She's furious. Perhaps the reason that she's furious is because she's hurt, sad, and fearful of all those things. Yeah, listen, dude. Oh, boy. This is a perfect example of weighing things. You weigh things. You go, well, which is worth more to me here? The damage that I could potentially do by taking these seats or taking these seats and potentially doing some damage. Which is more important to me?
perspective, I would say, listen, it means a lot to me that you would offer me these tickets. In the future, you know, I can't accept these tickets. What? I can't, you know, because my girlfriend, you know, I got a girlfriend. You know, well, here's what I might do. I'll tell you what. Let me go back. Let's back up. Maybe I don't say that. Maybe I say no thank you. Maybe I say no thank you. What? I say no thank you to the tickets. Yes. That's why I'm shocked. And when I get married, I say, no, thank you. And by the way, you know, I can't accept these kind of gifts in the future. I just I think he's inviting his girlfriend like she can chill out. I understand why she's annoyed. There's nothing worse than an ex being nice to your boyfriend. Get out of here with that. Right. But. I mean, he loves it. And you're going to be a cool girlfriend if you go and just rally and have a great time and have some beers. Maybe be secure. Maybe be secure and trusting. That bit.
Yeah, maybe be secure and trusting. But I would be, she's not going to be there. Yeah, she's not even going to be there, psycho. And he's inviting you. It's one thing if he invited one of his boys, then I'd be like, really? But he's inviting you. He loves you. He's bringing you in front of the ex's people. What's going to happen the night afterwards? Dear Heather, I just wanted to thank you so much. Capital S, capital O. I haven't had that much fun, wow, since. Probably since you and I went to that Lakers game in 2004. You know what the girlfriend should do is do exactly that herself. Say to her boyfriend, you know what? Can I get Heather's, like, I want to send her a thank you card. That's not creepy. No way. That's not creepy. He'd say no way. But it would stop him from doing it, I think. Yeah, and I just want to blow the cover here. You know, I... I used to be a single guy that had a girlfriend and I wasn't married. And I used to pull that routine. Man, you are a little nutso, aren't you? You're just crazy over there. Because I wanted what I wanted. I wanted what I wanted. One of the things that I wanted, by the way, was I wanted to have a just-in-case. I always wanted to keep the just-in-case lines open.
You know what I mean? Now, for those of you that don't know what a just in case is, it's just in case we break up. JIC. JIC. It's a JIC. Just in case we break up, I give you a call. Now, I don't want to get you out of my life because you obviously still care. In fact, if you didn't still care, you wouldn't call the guy that... You know loves the Lakers so much. I think I would. I would do that. I have an ex-boyfriend who I'm friends with, and I would, you know. Mike, they've dated already. That's over, man. It's been a while. Yeah, why not just be friends with all your exes? No, I'm not saying you have to necessarily be friends. And we don't really know if this is something where they talk a lot. They could talk a couple times a year, and she's like, all right, Lakers guy. This is an opportunity. I thought of you because I know you love – there are women all over this country that know how much Steve Woods loves the New York Yankees or the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. And I guarantee you, if one of the girls said – if one of the girls from South Bend I used to date said, hey, I've got – you can come – you and your wife next year can come sit in a box at the Irish game.
we'd be in that box. Yeah. Absolutely. Period. The girlfriend definitely has a right to be annoyed. Oh, be annoyed and make comments. It's annoying, but he's invited you, so you go. And you don't say, not only am I not going, but you're not going either. Okay, cool. You know, I guess I'm fine with that because as you explain that, that doesn't really bother me. That doesn't really bother me, especially the way that you explained it. I guess where it would maybe be a little bit strange is if it's somebody that you regularly keep in contact with and they live in town. Yeah. You know, if they live in town and you keep in contact. Now, if there's somebody, a girl from South Bend that you haven't talked to for five years. Yeah. And she knows that you're a Notre Dame fan. Now, I do think it's a little unusual that she doesn't know any other Notre Dame fans. In fact, I think it's strange that she's picked you. And you know what? If he wants to go to the Lakers so bad, his girlfriend can get him tickets that she can afford. I don't feel like the box is like this one once in a lifetime opportunity. Yeah, it's cool. It's pretty big. I've been in a box. All you can drink, all you can eat. It's pretty rad. It's cool, but I don't feel like it's worth, if it's upsetting her, just go get tickets elsewhere. All I know is this. If you break up with somebody and a little time has gone by and you have a box seat to a place, there's a lot of people you could give that to. That's true. You're thinking about who, you know, because it's like...
Willy Wonka's golden ticket. You're like, who should I give these to? I'm sure she's given them to other people before, and she was probably like, look, you know who would really like these that I haven't given it to? Because I think it's different. I mean, I think it's different. Seriously, if I gave you a list of 10 ex-girlfriends with phone numbers, and you called them on the air, and you said, what are Woods' favorite sports teams? They're going to go, Yankees-Irish. Period. Just like that. It's going to take them all the two seconds to know. So, like I said, man, That girl, I think, is being just a hair insecure. She's going to be there. My ex is a huge Red Sox fan. But obviously, there's plenty of people that are huge Red Sox fans. And Red Sox fans? Red Sox fans. I don't know. They're socks. Anyway, I would think of... At least a dozen people before I would call him up and be like, hey, let me disrupt his life, first of all, and let me make my current boyfriend be like, why are you giving away tickets to your ex, to the Red Sox? You don't know any other Red Sox fans? Yep.
That's what I'm thinking. I see that, but I think it's ridiculous. I do, too. How many people like the Lakers around here? A million. A lot of people. But maybe not as much as that guy. But that's someone that, yeah, you were close to in your life. It doesn't mean you have to blow him off. Leave him alone. And as soon as she says that she don't like it, man, end of it. End of it. Really? That's not his wife. It's his girlfriend. Yeah, hey, that's a great point. M1, Chris from San Marcos. What do you think? Well, you know, in listening to everybody's comment, I think Sienna's got the best point. The girlfriend, perhaps, is a little insecure, but the point being is that box seats do anything, don't come along very often, and especially at Staples, because they're so expensive and so hard to get those anyway, that if he's good friends with his ex-girlfriend, it would, I don't want to say it would behoove him, but it would seem like it's an opportunity that couldn't be let go, and if she was that... adamant about not wanting to go then maybe he asked one of his buddies to go instead here's the thing you know i i'm thinking to myself maybe she is insecure i don't know that that's really the issue you know maybe she is maybe she's insecure because he talks to her all the time we don't know that reading between the lines no listen maybe she's insecure even if she is insecure so you're dating
It's your girlfriend. But she should be stoked, too. Look, you get to go. You get to go, too. You know what? If he's that kind of guy, then he's that kind of guy, and you telling him he can't go is not going to change the kind of guy he is. Yeah, that works well with me. Well, go and have a good time. Well, she's not to say he can't go, but she's saying it upsets her. Well, you know what? He's going to do what he wants to do regardless if it upsets her. And I think he has to make what's more important to him, this current relationship or the Lakers slash Heather. Why can't he have them both? L.O.B.'s pretty skilled with that. That's having cake, and it's eating it, too. I'm just going to keep this in a car. With my buddy in a box. Chilling with the Kardashians. But wait, I'm going to look at it. But wait, I'm going to eat it. Getting both real good. Yeah. It would be chilling with the Kardashians. How you guys doing over there in Fantasyland? What's up, Chloe? How's Lamar? I'd probably be single after the game. Not in the box. They all have floor seats. That's true. You'd be more behooved to interact with them if you got regular seats. That one, Jenny and Carlsbad? Definitely take the tickets. Like, are you crazy? Boss tickets to the Lakers? Yes. I personally would be stoked if my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend got him tickets to the Lakers and I would totally beat her in a second. Hey, listen, I think that's great. And if he were dating you, he'd be made in the shade. Problem is he's dating a girl who had her feelings hurt. And, you know, listen, that's who you've chose to date. That's who you're dating. I don't think there's anything wrong.
with what she's saying. I mean, listen. And some people are fine with it. And if you don't know anything about this ex and it's like years have gone by and there's no reason to feel threatened, yeah, have at it. Eskimo Blue Waters will be in here in just a moment. So make some noise, our live studio audience. This is the song that made Rush Stars. Back. According to the story. Rush was selling a couple of records, not very many. They were just starting out. They had just sold a couple of records, but they definitely were not a hit. No radio stations were playing them, and they were Canadian, and Canada was not even the least bit interested in the band Rush. So their manager sent a little 45 of this song to a radio station in Cleveland called WMMS, and it seemed to kind of personify the whole...
culture of dudes there in Cleveland. Blue collar. Yep. Listeners started calling in going, what's the new Zeppelin song? What's that new Zeppelin song? That's crazy, dude. I see that. And they were like, it's not Zeppelin. It's a band from Canada called Rush. Blew up. I mean, blew up. And they ended up becoming Rush. My wife's coming around on them, I think, because I play them in the car. I do it as a bit because I knew she hated them. Yeah. Now she's coming around. Funny women don't like Rush. It's a guy thing. It's all dudes. It's a guy thing. You know, Jared's doing something really cool. The guy that is our graphic designer. He's got another website called portraitprints.net that you really have to check it out. It's custom digitally painted portraits. They take pictures, just regular pictures, and they turn them into this real high-end, really, really nice thing. And everybody that's seen ours that's here in the studio, when we had Head from Korn come in here, he's like, dude, who painted that? And we're like, it's not a painting, man. It was done from a photograph.
I watched a picture, a video of him doing it. Actually, Jared taking the picture and doing it. The guy is amazing. Every little pixel of it is detailed, and I did one for Mikey, and I did one for Kim as well all over Christmas. The one that Mike got for Christmas from Jay is the best. Yeah. It's so cool. It's of Rebecca and the kids, and it looks like a painting. Yeah. They're going to hang it here in the studio, and they're just the coolest thing, man. They're really, really cool. Let's see. Why don't you let EBW in, Woods? I will. Hi, Eskimo. How are you? How are you? Oh, you know, I've been better. Just waiting on you guys two days now. We were supposed to put you on yesterday, Eskimo, but we weren't able to. You should be stoked. You have a blog on sandiego.com. I do. Watch your cowboy hat. She wears a cowboy hat. Oh, look at that. She wears a cowboy hat and dark glasses. She's got the cowboy boots, the jeans, the layered jewelry. Frayed leather jacket. Frayed leather jacket. Yeah. And really got the look, you know. And what she is is an entertainer. You know, you've tried everything on this show. A Jill of all trades. A Jill. Of course. Not a Jack, but a Jill. Not a Jack of all trades. She's a Jill of all trades. That's right. You can quote me on that. That's fine.
Eskimo. What's new? What are you going to do? Some ventriloquism? What do you got? Tap dance? Yeah, you're a professional bass fisherman. Make it some ice cream. Sword swallower. Ballet. Fire walker. You guys are going to feel really bad now. Oh, no. She's helping the needy? No. The homeless? What? I'm going through a rough spout. Oh. I'm checking myself into rehab. You are checking yourself into rehab. That does not sound good. Is everything okay? Are you okay? Well, no, I have an addiction. What's your drug of choice? Cigarettes. Cigarettes. But we've seen you try to smoke one. You don't really smoke. I smoke an uncontrollable drug. You have cigarettes that you, and I use finger quotes, smoke, but only to look cool. No. In fact, I can't stop. And I've tried everything. I've tried the patch. I've tried the gum. I was hypnotized. Have you tried just throwing away the pack? Because you don't actually smoke. You know, they let you smoke in rehab, Eskimo. Yes.
They what? They do. It's encouraged almost. Well, I mean, it's not encouraged per se, but I mean, for a lot of people, Woodsy, it does, you know, sort of use of pain. They won't in the place that I'm going to. It's a special. I've never heard of anyone going in for cigarettes. It's specifically, they're well-trained. Can I have some of that dip? Can I have some of that dip? Why? Because I'm addicted. To nicotine, tobacco. What's in there? Don't give her your Copenhagen. No, don't take any of that. It's going to gross you out. She's going to vomit. What do I do with it? Watch what I do with it. She will vomit. If Eskimo Blue Waters put that in her mouth, she would vomit. No, she's not. Did she just do it? This is amazing. Do you need a spinner? I do this all the time at home. Eskimo. Eskimo. That is disgusting. She's gagging. It's really good. It's not really good. If I did what you just did, and I'm not kidding, I'm a 40-year-old man, I would get sick.
It's a habit. It's not a habit. Eskimo, for the last two mornings, you've been in here since, like, before I got here, three in the morning, and I haven't seen you smoke at all. Oh, wow. Look at her now kind of licking her gums to try to get that out of there. Oh, I need every last bit. Oh, do you? Do you need every last bit? Sienna, you haven't seen me because I'm ashamed of myself. Eskimo, you're ashamed with your cigarette addiction. Yes. Let me tell you. Not only does she not smoke cigarettes, but she was outside in front of our audience when we did Mikey-thon. And she had a cigarette and every time she just, all she would do is put the smoke in her mouth and blow it out like a cigar. Yeah, that was good. And it would make her, yes, it would make her cough. I had a cold. She would puff on the cigarette and it would make her cough. Somebody was there and said, you know, if you want. I can get you, like, a different cigarette, like, if you want lights. I smoke American spirits, or I roll them myself. You do not. I do. And when I can't smoke them, then I just have to eat them. In a setting where it's a smoke-free environment. That's how little you know about smoking. I was out there just munching down. Munching down cigarettes.
Mike's forehead is now on his microphone. You're such a plebeian. Eskimo. Mike-a-mo. How long do you think you'll be in rehab? Oh, I don't know. Full 28 days? I feel like I'm really going to push myself and I'm going to try to stay in as long as possible and just really hope that things can work out for me and just try to push it. What did you just do? What did you just, what? What did you just do? I didn't do anything. Your voice just got real crazy. No, I didn't. I have a cold. No, you sounded like Kermit the Frog. Yeah. I didn't. I did. You did. I did. No, you did. You were talking. I heard it. We all heard it. Yeah. I don't know. That was weird. I didn't hear it. I think maybe it's just, I have a cold. I have a tickle. You do? Maybe it's from the dip. Maybe it's not from the dip. I heard, I heard a different voice. I did too. I did too. What did it sound like? Kermit the Frog. Sound like this. Sound like this, guys. Sound like Morrissey talking to me? Sometimes when I get nervous, I just kind of get another voice. Oh, that's weird. How is this happening now? Why is this happening now? I don't know. I'm nervous. You guys are making me... Where's my guitar? Where's your what? I need my guitar. When you get nervous, you talk like Kermit the Frog? I don't know. What did it sound like? It sounded like this, but I have a question. Yes.
Is that voice that you do, is that a put on? What, the Kermit? No. No, when you talk like this. Is that like to try to sound? That's from smoking so many cigarettes. I sound like that. That's from smoke. That's why I sound like that. You're telling me. Yes. That you talk that way. I can't help it. Because you smoke. I can't help it, Mike. And maybe you should stop pointing it out. And you don't smoke, which means... I smoke, I dip, I eat cigarettes. I hang around smoky areas just to get second half smoke. I like to take tours of cigarette factories. I spent one summer working in a tobacco field anywhere. I think that that is all a ruse and that this is a put on and that you actually talk like Kermit the Frog. I think we're discovering that there's some kind of poser nature happening here. Well, and it's pretty. It's a pretty hip. It's a bad word to use, but it's a chic thing for.
Finger quote musicians to go into rehab. I mean, if you can think of. Exactly. If you can think of your favorite artists from all time, they've been in rehab. I know it's tough. You guys probably wouldn't understand the toll that it takes. Being on the road and stuff. On the road all the time. No, we probably wouldn't. You're here every day. Yeah, and you don't go on the road. I went to Bakersfield last weekend. Yeah, but that was to visit your aunt. You didn't go there. You didn't actually go there to perform. To gig. Yeah, to actually gig. I go to Chula Vista sometimes. You do. That is a hike. It's a hike. It is. But it's not rehab worthy. I live in my car. Yeah, she doesn't. See, she actually lives in La Jolla with her rich parents. She went to my high school. La Jolla High School. Yeah, her real name is Judy Douche. But on the air, she uses the name Eskimo Blue Water. My parole officer is calling. You don't have a parole officer. You don't have a PO. I'm going to have to go. You don't. All right. Well, thank you for coming in. Thank you for having me. Good luck in rehab. Let us know how it's going. Good luck. Rehab for cigarettes. She'll be in here tomorrow, guaranteed. I can't believe she took a dip of my snow. I can't either. Yeah, that was disgusting. I locked myself out of our bedroom yesterday naked. What? Excuse me? My? Coming in?
Just going to throw that out there? Yeah, just let it hang all out. Literally. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Quite a transition. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I decided I would wait and tell you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Set it up. I wasn't ready. True story. Set it up. No one was home. And I knew that no one was home. I knew no one was home. And, in fact, no one was home. And I accidentally locked the door to our bedroom, which we do every day. When we close the door, we lock the door. Close the door, we lock the door. When you're inside. Yes. Because you're new to the bedroom. Because you're always new. It's not always why. But Jake's thing is that he comes running in the room. And sometimes we want him to take a nap. Sometimes you're making love. You know what, Woods? Sometimes adults need private time. Jake just opens doors up. And sometimes Jake needs to be taking a nap. And you know where the laundry room is? Yes. It's right next to the bedroom. It's right next to the bedroom. That's where the laundry room is. Oh, yeah. And I knew nobody was home. In fact, I went as far as to go, Nita! Babe? Claudia? Nothing. I knew nobody, but I knew no one was home, but I took the precautions of just making sure. The double check. If you had to do all of that, why not just put some clothes on? Because that takes a long time for a guy like me. He likes to be free. He is.
A nudist. He's a nudist. He's a closet nudist. He lives in a colony. If being nude at your home is a nudist, I'm a nudist. I don't understand. Why not just put on some pajamas? How about boxer shorts? It takes so long to put boxer shorts on. How are you putting them on? Backwards. I had a thermal in the dryer. I went to see if it was done. And when you guys air conditioner or heater turns on, does it ever suck the door? Yes, and it sucks it shut. All the time. You'll hear upstairs, bam! And I'm like, babe, what are you doing? And she's like, that was the win. I heard, and I went, and in my head, I went, it's not locked. Because that would be awful. Oh my gosh. Mike Esparza. Nude. Okay, what happened? How did you get in? Who came home? I hid in Jake's room. In his tiny little bed. He has a conversion. It started as a crib. And then after a certain amount of time, you turn it into a bed. I've been looking at him for weeks now. You were in a crib. We have one too. You were nude in a crib. I was sitting. Oh, we need pictures of that. I sat. Baby Mikey. With the blanket. Over your piece. With the remote control. Oh my.
Waiting. And knowing Mike, you know where his phone was. It was on his bedside table. Is that why it took you so long to email me back? I called him yesterday. He didn't answer. He usually emails right back. Yeah. So I hear the garage go. Thank you. Well, I know she's home. Right. Oh, my gosh. And so I opened Jake's door and I go, babe, babe. And I hear Claudia go. She's not here. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. And she came in. She had the remote. She was taking the twins for a walk. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Opened the garage door. Oh. Came home. Did you yell, don't come up here? Well, because I figured she wouldn't. I go, do you know when she's going to be home? And she goes, no. Oh, Mike. Holy cow, dude. How long? 15 more minutes. When I heard that garage door open, it was the sound of, it was like the chopper.
It was like the chopper, like I was wounded, and the chopper was coming in. It was like the boat next to Tom Hanks in Castaway. He knows he's going to be saved. I knew that finally, I may not be first on that boat, but I know that I'm going to be saved. It was like the Titanic. It was like the door that Rose laid on. Yes, exactly. I found something. Oh, look, there's the helicopters coming to save me. Rebecca! Oh, man. Yeah, so I opened the door, and I went, babe, come here. I'm always, like, irritated. It's like I'm irritated that I've locked myself. Oh, I get mad at stuff like that. Why did you take so long, Rebecca? Yeah, I go, where were you? And she's like, shut up. I was out. I'm like, where were you? I'm nude. So, okay, okay, okay. I'm still not ready yet. So you say Rebecca, and she's home, and she comes up. The door opens, what happens? The door opens, what happens? I had a blanket around my waist like a towel. You had to yell, I'm in Jake's room, right? Yeah, I said, well, it wouldn't have mattered. She couldn't have gotten in our room if she wanted to. But she knows where the little stuff is. She knows there's a little thing that you push in the door that opens the door up.
And it used to be over the ledge of the door. So I put my hand up there. Well, you got a stool and then you stepped on this. You got on the stack of phone books and then you look and you didn't find it. We have a leather chair that's by there. Jumping up and down. Get a visual of that. Naked. Nude. Every jumps. I wasn't worried about people seeing me nude because I knew nobody would. I was upstairs and I knew nobody would. But what was really bad was being there and just sitting in there and going. Not having your phone. I have to wait. I got to wait. At least there's a TV. Yeah. I was mad at everything. Yeah. I was like, why does that stupid thing close when the heater comes on or the air conditioner? Oh man. Mike.
Like it's the air conditioning guy's fault. Yeah. If no one was home, why didn't you just go to your house phone and call Rebecca? Because we don't have one. Well, I would have had to go downstairs. Right. I was not. And that's riskier. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't go downstairs. And even if you went and looked for the key, you wish that somebody walks in. There's no phone upstairs. Well, and we've said this. Besides our room. We've said it a million times on the air. Mikey's house is like Grand Central Station. People are always coming and going. There's guys coming into work on stuff. Nita could have been downstairs when you were yelling. She could have been Skyping with her friends in Hungary and didn't hear you. Oh, my God. But I knew nobody was there. I was just making doubly sure. She could have walked right in, though, and you're down there in a blanket. Oh, yeah. Well, what I was afraid of was being down in a blanket and someone coming home. Absolutely. Because that's what happened with Claudia. Yep. How many more things have to go wrong until you just put on some pants? Yeah. Just maybe. Put on the pants. You know, honestly, I weigh the, you know, I weigh it, and I thought to myself, this is fine. It's a two-second jaunt down there. It's a two-second jaunt. Now, and I'm going to be quick about it. Yeah. Even though there's no real reason to be quick about it, I could, if I want to, just walk.
I do that all the time. You should have put your nightgown on to at least go into the laundry room. You should have worn your nightgown. He does have a Christmas flannel. I don't have a nightgown. Your skirt. You have a nightgown. You own a nightgown. It's a men's nightgown. It's a nightgown. I could have put on my pajamas. It's a nightgown. Which is a man's nightgown. In Mikey's house, pajamas equals nightgown dress. I have a... Neglige. Plaid. Neglige. You have a plaid neglige. I have a green plaid pajama. Neglige. Very long pajama top. Corset. Maybe you get that thing out. Dust it off and throw it on when you need to go run little errands around your house. I would have done the same thing if I know it's just going to be a quick dilly. Although. I don't live with like 18 people. I love it. No. No. Rebecca. You know where Rebecca is? No. It's the worst thing you could have ever heard. Claudia's voice coming up the stairs. Oh, man. Can I do anything for you?
Yeah, do some underwear. Maybe some dignity. So did Rebecca think it was funny or was she? She thought it was hysterical. She goes, are you going to say it on the air? And I go, yeah. And she goes, you should wait and do it when you're in the middle. Like, just wait. Just spring it. What would have been really funny is if you pulled the thermal out of the dryer and you had to pull it down as you were running. To get the phone real quick. And you see my buns like a four-year-old naked butt. Don't come in here. You could have used it as a skirt. Put your legs through the neck hole. I'm in here. I'm in here. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, Mike. What a life. Who said that? How many times or what else is going to have to happen to make you put pants on for me? That's brilliant. How many more things, my friend? I think I weigh it. There's no one home. I don't have a problem. This is what? You've had too many problems. Fourth incident? Third incident. Third incident? Yesterday you were in your undies. Well, I guess you put a pair of pants on. Well, you mean... Yesterday I was nude. No, the day before that. Oh, the day before I was in the kitchen. And Nita walked in at 1.30 in the morning and I just woke up. You would have thought to yourself...
Wow, that could have been bad. Dodged a bullet. So next time I'm thinking about doing something like that, I'll always wear a robe. Let me say this. If somebody, one person had been home, of course I'm putting clothes on. Nobody home. I double check. No one's home. I'm good to go. The fascinating thing about the story is that I picture Mike pulling in his garage and he looks around and he's like, jackpot. Nobody's here. And just starts disrobing. And he's like, I am going to be nude. He's in his car and he's turning his car off and he's like, I'm going to be nude in three minutes. And I cannot effing wait to get nude in my house. I don't understand why you love it so much. When our kids go to college, I'll be juicing fresh oranges in the kitchen. Nude. Hey, babe. Do you like some orange juice? It's brilliant. Some things are better left un-nude. Yes. I think most things are nice nude. Juicing oranges, maybe not. Although I could never do something like Black's Beach. No. I'm not a public nudist. I'm a home nudist. If you had a backyard, though, that was completely private, could you? No. Chances Jay has. Oh, man. When we went to Kauai, there was an outdoor shower. Every single shower I would outside, oh, look at this. Oh, wow. It was fantastic. I couldn't.
Outdoor shower, yeah. When you know no one can see. No, it was wide open. It was on a canyon and it was like a platform and it opened this giant canyon. That would be rad. It was rad. What if the floor broke and you had to nude find your way back to civilization? No problem. Nude. Jay would have built a loincloth out of twigs and thatch and other things. I'll do a nap. Peeling trees. Yeah, peeling trees. Make a suit. What if you weren't actually standing in a shower and Wood's friend came and pulled the... rope, and you fell through a wooden toilet and abyss. Oh, man. Great. Great. I picture it, and that's what makes it so funny. Had another guy yesterday, a listener, asked me for my PS3 name. Yeah, me too. I wouldn't give it. I don't have one. Yes, you do. No, I don't. I like girls, but I don't play online because I like girls. Okay. I'm just kidding. You have one. I don't have one. You don't? No, I don't. I don't play online. Because why? I don't like to play other people. Why? Because I'm selfish. You like to play the game. I like to play the game and manage my teams. I did it. I built a dynasty yesterday with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Why? Because I wanted to. You guys live completely different lives than me. I got a pair of headphones to talk, but the microphone doesn't work. I can just hear. Google it. You got to go into the PS2. I guess.
Followed all the rules. Jay will get you tuned in and you guys can play. Or your wife can fix it for you. That's true. You guys can play online. Yeah, he asked me for it and I said, I don't play online, brother. That's exactly what I said. That's all I said. He goes, okay, I'm sorry. Happy New Year. Yeah, I lost every race. I've never won a race. I've never come in better than last place in any race that I've ever played online. Has anyone called you a quote faggot? Yeah, that's exactly what an 11-year-old called me. Faggot. Because you lost. So he called me. Yeah. Faggot. You got to mute those people. 11 year old. How'd you feel after that? I felt mortified that I had just been called that by an 11 year old. And then he was partially true. It was partially true. You can't win a race. I mean, here I was sitting there, you know, and. Nude. I'm sitting there. That's weird. I'm sitting there losing races online. I'm like, what have, you know, what have I become? I've been playing a lot of PS3. I need to stop. I'm getting bad. I play every night. Xbox. He loves it. I'm a trained killer. He and Adam are promotions director. I'm a trained killer. Do you guys play together, you and Adam? Every night. Every night? I'm sure your wives are happy. We got M1 Bren on the line. She used to be a babysitter and something happened. Right, Bren?
Yeah, Mike, I had a similar situation with nudity. I was about 15, and I went over to baby. I was a regular babysitter. It was kind of like the Tuesday night standing date night. Went over. They always just said, hey, come on in the door. So I went in, and I was taking care of little Kylie. And the husband thought that I was his wife sitting there on the couch with the baby. He walked out of the shower naked to his bedroom, walked through the living room. Oh, wow. It was the first time I'd ever seen a naked man. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah, he didn't know. He didn't think that you were his wife, by the way. He knew exactly who you were. Wait. Did he realize what he'd done? Yeah. And then he was mortified. So you believe that it was a genuine mistake? Yeah. Because, I mean, they didn't have a shower in their bedroom. They didn't have a master bathroom. It was an older house. And he went to take a shower, came out, walked through the living room. And I'm like, oh, hi, Brian. And else I went. Oh, man. Yeah, I believe it because when I was in my bedroom and that teacher came in with Jake.
I was in my bedroom. Who walks into your bedroom, just walks in? She didn't just walk in. Jake ran in and she was following him to watch him. And she is right now maybe on a radio show or maybe just having coffee with friends going, Who just sits in their room nude? Yeah. Well, I was under the covers. Nude. In the middle of the day. I was under the covers, but my top was off. I was topless. She's talking to her psychiatrist right now. She's like, and then he just had no shirt on. And he had like boobs. And there was boobs everywhere. When I was babysitting, I saw a guy walk by nude. Same exact situation as she explained, except it wasn't as explicit because I didn't see anything. I apologize for that. Gosh. I was like. I must have been older than, I think I was like 15 or 16. So you had seen a naked man. Oh, for sure. Are you kidding? No, I hadn't, but I didn't even see him naked. But I came in and she was like, oh, I'll be in in just a second. You can go ahead. So I was just like, just standing in the kitchen, just waiting for her.
Their steps went right up to the master bedroom and their door was open. And he walked by just like totally nude. He used to sing a lot. And then he goes, oh! And I didn't even see. I looked up when he went, oh! And so he stood there almost like Bigfoot, just like frozen for a second. And then he hit the deck and then must have like army crawled away or something. Closed the door. It's very dramatic. Yeah. That's a really dramatic way to respond to that situation. The army crawled. Because of the way the steps were, I didn't see it. I saw basically like the hips up. Then he got all ready and his wife went up there and I could hear some grumbling. Yeah. And when he came down, he was like, sorry about that. Oh, my God. I would have run straight to my car and just gotten in. It changed the dynamic. I don't think he ever gave me a ride home after that. Oh, wow. Yeah, I didn't. Rebecca said, can you give our, we have like a 17-year-old babysitter. She goes, will you give her a ride home? And I said, no. Yeah.
No. She goes, why? I go, because I think that's creepy. It is. I'll tell you. I used to babysit for years. I started babysitting when I was like 11. And every time the dad had to drive me home, I would be so awkward. Always the dad. And I said to her, I go, because I don't want that awkward drive. So you're going to send your wife out at night, though? Yeah, at least they're both women. Yes. But the mom would go up and check on the kid. You mean so that she's not murdered and stuff? Yeah, so she's going to walk out of the car. In the garage. Maybe it's not in the garage. Maybe it's out in front of the house. It's in the garage. Send my wife out. What if the car breaks down? Call me. Go with her, though. It's so awkward. So what do you do to the kids? Yeah, to the kids. So you're going to wake everybody up and bring them outside. I agree. It's always a dad. Luckily, Jay, she made it home that night. Yeah. Because I thought, you know, could be Bigfoot out there. Mike was telling me about that, and I told him, and I've seen Mike's babysitter, and she's attractive. She's an attractive girl. 17-year-old? Yeah, well, she can be attractive and be 17. She can be 15 and be attractive. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but I didn't know if that's who you were talking about. I just got that. No, it's just gay. No, I didn't. Shut up. She had the creepiest look that said, like your sister. Creeper. Yeah, she told me you just asked to be her friend on Facebook. No, I didn't. Creeper.
She told me. Hold on. You're a giant. Let me finish. She's 15. I'm not doing this today. She's like, guess who just asked me my friend on Facebook? What? I was with you and I did it, you clown. You were a creep. I'm sweating, I'm sweating. Woods told me he was going to do it, but I didn't talk to her about it. She was the one that brought up. I said, oh yeah. First of all, let me finish. I can get you into our movie. Let me finish. I'll teach you how to drive. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I got a flight to catch. I'll buy you a pack of cigarettes. It's going to be a ride to the mall. She does have her permit, and my parents are scared to drive with her. Well, I'm a licensed driver, so she needs someone over 25. I hate all of you. You're all so full of ass. One of my favorite names. One of my favorite names. Am I beet red? Am I beet red? Yes. I feel like I'm beet red. One of my favorite names. When you talk to her, do you try to talk like... I don't talk to her, you clown. You try.
No, I don't. I've never written her anything. Let me finish. Hey, Waverly, what's up? Do you talk like this? Woods here. Hey, Waverly, what's up? It's Woods. It's not like you're 17. Hey, what's going on? You're such an interesting name. Oh, my gosh, it's the coolest name I've ever heard. I want to be every day. Hey, Wavy, do you like Twilight? Hey, Wavy has volleyball gone. Yeah, it's volleyball cool. Do you call it LJ? It's cool, not the cool word. If that's not the cool word, I won't say it anymore. Do you guys call it LJ or just La Jolla? Yeah, it's LJ. Hey, do you wear them all? Because I like them all. I like to go to the mall. Is Quicksilver still cool? Hey, I wear Hurley inside. I don't want shopping at Abercrombie. I don't wear cargo shorts anymore. Because cargo shorts are so lame. Do you think they're lame? I think they're lame. Is lame, like, not cool? Because if it isn't cool, I won't take coal. Is coal not cool? Because if coal isn't cool, I won't take coal. It's a cool thing. I don't know what the cool thing is. Just tell me. What? I talk like this. Do guys in your school wear hats? Oh, my gosh. I won't wait for me to call. She's in school. Hey, if you want to, you can just tell me get for asking me to be friends on Facebook. You tell me get. No, she likes words.
You guys done? You ever just ask you to be my friend? Hey, I'm friends. Listen. Listen. I'm friends with all of your siblings. I'm friends with two of your siblings. I'm friends with two of your siblings. And I'm friends with your daughter. I know. Weird. Is that weird? Weird. Weird. I am just a friendly. I'm a friendly guy. Friendly guy. Yes. You're a boob grabber, a butt grabber. I'm a butt grabber, I'm a boob grabber. Hey, Wavy, ever just not respond to my friend request? Hey, Wavy, I noticed you liked Summer. I like it, too. Really? Hey, Wavy, I noticed you just liked the Mikey show. Well, that's interesting. I like it, too. I just went to Wavy's Facebook and I said, oh, she changed her picture. And he said, oh, yeah, little Sagey. I just saw it. I hate you. You ever seen a grown man? Trying to be friends. Hey Waverly, I saw that you liked the silent comedy. I did too. Hey Waverly, I'm on the Mikey show. You know, I actually met the lead singer. He's not as cool as I thought he would be. Anyway.
I was 15 once, too. Yeah. A lot of people tell me that I have the heart of a youngster. That's not the coolest thing to say. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I put it that way. That's so lame. What's going on in the news? It's just really good iced tea. I don't know if I'm going to buy a yearbook. I already know what I look like. Maybe we eject. I probably will. I want to keep going. Well, I'm going to take a break, then we'll go blast the cig. You guys can have fun. It's the funniest thing in the world. Is it? It is. I almost want to listen to this stuff again. Oh, his interview? Oh, my God. Please don't play that again. When he talked to Taylor. Please don't play it again. We're in that mood, you know? It's so good.
It's so good. Do I have it on here? Do I have it on here? JJJ. I don't think you do anymore. Yeah, because they might have been away for the holidays. I know we have it. It's there. I have it. You play it. I got to edit it. Hold on. I can't do it yet. This was right before Christmas Woods did a bit. He says he can't do it yet. He did a street bit where he interviewed a young lady named Taylor. He says he can't do it. He's got to edit it. I can't listen to it. It makes me ill. I think we still have it. Do we, Mike? I think I took it off the array. Did you? You did. It's such a treat. You didn't. He didn't. He's just saying that. I might have. Of course he is. What if I did? I know it's still here. Really? It's like a little kid at Christmas. Please don't play it. I'm begging you. He talks to this girl named Taylor. It's so embarrassing. And it's so funny because he talks to two people that day. He talks to a... barely English-speaking Mexican guy. Name Jesus. Name Jesus. And then he talks to this girl named Taylor. And the vast difference between the way that you sound and talking to Taylor. Hey, what's up, man? Yeah. Oh, it's night and day difference. How you doing? You guys shouldn't imitate stuff. You guys shouldn't just imitate stuff. If you're going to play it, play it.
But don't imitate. You can't imitate the master. We're going to get it. We're going to get it. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating the master. Hour and 17 minutes. No, it's here. I'm looking for it, Woodsy. We don't have it anymore. I took it off there. Let's see. It has to be. I took it off there. Oh, it's here. It's not there. Trust me, it's worth the wait. We should probably move on. This is terrible radio right now. No, it's not. It's Mikey looking for something. Hey, what's your name? Taylor. Taylor. Yes. One of my favorites. You can't just leave. Is it the whole thing? That was it, Jay. No, no. There's more. Hold on. The edit didn't stick. I'll tell you what I want you to do. Put it up on a ray for me so that I can pause and start. Okay, hold on. Let me see. Is that right? Tonight's 8 o'clock album, The Rolling Stones. No way. Aftermath. It's not funny. It's the UK version. That's not funny. Let's see. We can do news and sports. Yeah, what's going on in news? Well, the results or the...
The outcome of whooping cough in 2010 has tripled any previous record. Over 1,000 whooping cough cases just in San Diego County alone was just reported. Also, San Diego congressman, he is appealing the government, what the government wants to do to protect the Mount Soledad cross. They're saying that the cross on Mount Soledad is unconstitutional. And we're going to try and fight that because it's ridiculous. It's part of a war memorial. I know it is. Get over it. Woods, what's going on in sports? Nothing. Yeah, there is. There's nothing going on in sports. Woods, don't be bitter. There's nothing going on. Maybe my sister's listening. She wants to know. Tiger Woods has ended his 13-year relationship with Golf Digest. Arkansas' Ryan Mallett is going to the NFL draft. You're lucky my kid's not paying attention. I heard every word he said. And that's Woods on Sports. Oh, I love it so much. What were you doing when you went out and taped her? What do you mean? Asking adults what they wanted for Christmas. And I use the term adults very loosely. She was probably not at age 18. How old was she? 17. How old was she? 22, 23. Which means 18 or 19 years old. She's 22 or 23. Except she was in a gymnasium. A diaper?
In a cheerleading outfit. It said LJHS on the uniform. I don't know what that stands for. She had a hall pass to come talk to you. Weird. Woods, open your eyes. If it's okay with your principal, can I talk to you? Woods had a visitor pass around his neck. He had to, so they didn't arrest him. Media pass. You had to get her parents to sign a permission slip. Funny. It's really funny. Can you both sign this? I'll be back tomorrow at the same time. Hopefully you have your permission to sign. I can pull the curtain back on that night if you want me to. I hope to. I will. I hope to. I can pull the curtain back on that night. Just don't. I can. Why? I have a little, you want a backstory? I'll give you a backstory. Wait, you can, but guess what? Yes! But guess what? Let's listen to him. He just put the audio on. Put your headphones back on. What's your name? Taylor. Taylor. Taylor sounds 17 years old. Taylor. One of my favorite names. What do you want for Christmas? It's funny. He didn't say that to Jesus. Yeah. He was like, hey, what's here? It's one of my favorite names, Jesus. Whatever Taylor's name was going to be, he would have said that. Be honest.
Taylor could have said, my name is Jesus. And he would have gone, that's on my face. He says, be honest. Be honest. You know it's, it's a man. He's out here chugging whipped cream. No! He is. He is. Friend? I have a few. Do you have a boyfriend? You have a few boyfriends. Do you, like, have a boyfriend? What are you going to ask your few boyfriends? Why did you ask Jesus if you had a girlfriend? Yeah. Do you like have a boyfriend? That's what he said. Yeah, he did. And she says, I have a few boyfriends. And he goes, yeah, I have a few boyfriends. What's your name? Taylor. Taylor. One of my favorite names. What do you want for Christmas this year? Be honest. Like, do you have a boyfriend? Like. You're right. Like. Like. Like. Do you have a boyfriend? Do you hear it in the background? Yeah. It's like a cheerleading squad. Yes. It sounds like all her cheerleading friends are in the background. It's a pep rally meeting. I have a few. You have a few boyfriends. What are you going to ask your few boyfriends? Well, the one in Australia, I want a kangaroo, but he thinks I'm joking. But you really want a kangaroo? I do. Okay. What about from your American boyfriend? I want a shopping spree. A whole spree?
No, only half of one. I hate you all. I remember when I had my first beer. A whole spree. He lives in New York, and I kind of want him to fly me to New York, and then take me shopping. Pretty small wish. What would you want in your stocking? I'm sorry, did I say stockings? I mean, what do you want? What do you want in your... Pantyhole. Picking of stocking. Do you have a... Picking of stocking. What do you want... What do you want to stock... Stocking. What do you want to stock... I'm sorry. What do you want in your... What do you want to stock... It's a nightmare. He has his... He has his middle fingers in his ears. Yeah. Are we done?
Just like things I need, like deodorant and toothpaste. Deodorant. What if he gave you a deodorant? Listen to this. Listen to this. It's deodorant. Let me smell your armpits. You smell delightful. She smelled of cinnamon. You want a stocking full of deodorant? I need to go tanning. As long as it came with the shopping spree. I hate buying that stuff. I live on my own. Okay. Do you hate buying condoms? Because I can do that. Because I have some. Did you say you live on your own? Have you signed a waiver? for me to play this on the air and you have to put your address. What's your PS3 name? That was funny. And toilet paper. We have that in common. We both use toilet paper.
Is there any? Oh my God. Guess who's on the line? No, no, no, no. It's Taylor's mom. It's Taylor's mom. It's Taylor's mom. It's Taylor's mom. Taylor's mom, Sarah. Yes. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Sarah. How are you? Well, I'm a little bit disturbed this morning. Are you? Really? Yeah. Why are you disturbed, Sarah? Well, because I turn on the Mikey show and I hear them talking about my daughter this way. Sarah, let me ask you a question. Don't you think it's a little weird that this grown adult man is talking to your daughter about where she lives? Yes. Sarah, what are you going to do about it? I'm sorry. I could go down and get a restraining order. Really?
Come on. Married man. Oh, my God. Married man. I like that name. Sarah. Sarah, that's my favorite name. Now it's just lame. Now you guys are just being lame. I thought it was really Sarah's mom. Actually, I'm just messing with you. Nice beaver. Okay, Jay. All right, so. Don't take that off of the array ever again. That new iPhone looks rad. Is there anything that embarrasses you more than that? What about a picadoop? That's pretty bad. No, but it isn't as bad. You've got to admit, between the two, that's worse. Which one can we have full radar? Neither. That one's not going anywhere. Miserable.
Miserable. You sound so weird. My day started out weird. It's gotten better. It sucks. My day started out terribly, and it stayed terrible. From now on, Woods is never going to have stockings up for Christmas. Oh, wait until next year. Mike's like, hey, man, you need to go do that bit again. I'm going to be like. No. We'll just play that one again. Oh, yeah. That one's going to be an annual thing. That'll be. Okay. I have a rule. It's. You can only do it at Christmas. Yeah, nice try. Here's what we can only do at Christmas. Read the poem that I wrote when I was... No. Give me the poem. And hang on. We'll make rules. We can only read the poem that I wrote. We can only play Santa Baby, the original. And we can only play your Christmastime interview. Deal. At Christmastime. Let's shake on it. But... Oh, you're here. Give me a pound. The Monday after Thanksgiving, we can play them as much. Every day. As much as we will. Okay. You have a deal. Deal? Deal. Deal. All right. Now, we have to come up with what the penance will be if we break this rule. If you break the rule. If you read my poem that I wrote when I was a fat 22-year-old. Well, we should read it in case any M1s haven't heard. Hold on, because you just did mine. And then we got to play Santa Baby. No. Yes. I'm down with it. I'm down with it. I'm down with it. Yes. I'm down with it. Oh, my gosh. It's like a greatest hits.
I don't know where it is. But then we get it out of our system and we don't hear it again in 2011 until... December. Until the first Monday after Thanksgiving. Yes. L.O.B. keeps them like... L.O.B. keeps those poems that I wrote when I was a fat 22-year-old to this girl that I was in love with. She keeps them as if she's keeping gold bullion. Yes. Gold treasure. It's funny because he's fat. And then when she gives it to Woods, she's like... She picks them up, and they're like, she has to be careful with them. The Holy Grail. Yeah, she's looking at them, and she's like... It's the Ten Commandments. Yeah, she hands them the woods, and she wants them back. I do. She wants them back. I know where they go. Like, you know where they go. Has everybody in here heard this poem yet? Okay, good. Live studio audience. We got some new ones over there. Backstory is that... Austin, one of our phone screeners that's been gone for six months. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of it. Oh, he'll love it. When I was 22 years old... I had a crush on a girl that worked at a record store. I want to squeeze them. She was my age. I was an obese man and didn't know how to ask her out. So I made her a cassette tape with songs and me talking. And then you penned her several letters. Yeah, gave it to her. Now, oh, by the way, she wrote me back and said, we actually met once.
So I guess we met one time. Once? That's what she said. I didn't think we met once. She said, we actually met. You know, she wasn't going to date me. Right. She kept these letters and you never met. I think they meant something. I think so. They have to mean something to keep them. Evidence of a stalker. Yeah. And so I moved across the country. She was like, where were you living when you wrote this? You were in? I was living with my parents. Where? California? And she was in New York? Rochester, New York. Rochester, New York. This letter is dated Thursday, July 1st, 1993. It is four pages long. And on the second page, there's a poem that Mike decided would be a good idea to write a girl that he's never slept with, never kissed, never been on a date with, never will. At that point, never met. Never really met to write her a poem. And this one, we like to call it Untitled. Because there was a title, it's been scratched through. It wasn't good enough. Here we go. Through hours of night and hundreds of miles sleeps one of the warmest, softest smiles. Those miles are empty and full of regret for leaving a face. I can't do it again. I will never forget. I decided I can't do it again. You have to. I just went through hell. Mike, get up from under the board. Thank God for the memories that I never made.
Thank God. That pain is expensive. Believe me, I've paid. It's better to picture your face to your voice from... Right now, Mikey is under the board. We can't even see him. He won't let us. Hold on. It's better to picture your face to your voice from miles away. I don't have a choice. It's melodramatic and full of despair. But that's what I feel. So I really don't... Oh, my God. To Bronco. Mikey. Mom. Do you have a stamp? And some wheat dents. Some strange little man. Some wheat dents. The turkey log. Oh, man. This was probably on that tape. Probably. It probably was. It probably was. More than likely.
Oh, that is mortifying. That's mortifying. Is that what you feel like when I do that bit? Yes! I feel like death. I feel like I shit in it. You guys went for 30 minutes on it. It's so fun. Oh my gosh, it's so fun. I hate it. I hope that you, listen, I hope that when you read those poems, you experience a quarter. No, because it's so short. A quarter of the joy that I experience when I go, when I go, stop. I didn't hear any of that, so I don't even know what it is. I want our listeners to just go, I don't know what that means. Make some noise in our live studio audience. Santa Baby is coming up as soon as we come. Oh, yes, it is. Oh, yes, it is. Now you're getting old. You really enjoy listening to Phil Collins. Smooth. It sounds amazing. Here's the thing. When I was growing up and I was in high school, it was just Phil Collins. It's like, whatever. It's on the radio, whatever. I'm not buying Phil Collins records, whatever. Now I hear it and I'm like, you'll buy this later today. Of course. Yes, I am too. And I don't care anymore. Sienna's like, who's Phil Collins? Was thinking that. Oh, God. Really?
I feel like maybe I've heard the name, but I have no idea what he looks like or anything. I don't know what he sings. He looks like kind of a shorter Rick R. Jackson, maybe a little bit. He's got a little Rick R. Jackson feature. Really, really short. Short. Yeah, he's short. Shorter than Mikey. Oh, wow. Wow. Oh, wow. Every morning when I wake up and I'm putting that stuff under my eyes. Eye cream. Yeah. I'm like, I'm 40. I didn't do this 20 years ago. No. I've always done stuff like that. Eye cream and moisturizer. You're a girl. That's true. You're clearly gay. There's nothing really you have to say about that. Lauren is a very private girl. Oh boy. I thought you forgot. I put it on the schedule. Very good. Lauren's a pretty private girl. It takes a long time to get to know her. She doesn't let you in very easily. She doesn't give you who she is. And even when she does, there's still things that you find out all the time. And I know there's tons of things we still don't know. There's stuff. But one of the things that we found out last year was that she sent her, at the time, kind of new boyfriend. They weren't dating very long. It was our first Christmas. First Christmas together. It's a big deal. She went into the bathroom where she lived.
She had roommates and she didn't want them to know what she was doing, but she also wanted a place where she could really create a beat laboratory. So she took her little Mac computer into the bathroom and she downloaded the instrumental version of Santa Baby. She looked up the words to Santa Baby on the internet and recorded GarageBand for her boyfriend, Santa Baby. Acoustics are the bathroom. You're not going to like pause it or talk over it. And really, really take this in because in case you missed, we've decided that this is one of the things that is only going to come around Christmas time. That's right. So it's the last time you're going to hear it until... Feast on it now. Yeah. We won't break this little gem out until the Monday after Thanksgiving. Yep. Right. By the way, up until we played this on the air...
The only two people in the world that had heard it were L.O.B. and Matt. Oh, and yeah, I wouldn't even let him open his email if anyone else was around. I was like, you better be honest with me. Is anyone in the room? Wow. Wow, that really changed. Tearing off the gloves one finger at a time with the teeth. Waving your finger. I think I was. I don't know. It's what I want to know. When I listen to this, I'm like, who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? Did you think you were? Sexy beast. Yeah. Just getting out of your head. Sex pot. Yeah. I'll tell you who you were. You were all woman. You ever just sing and think it sounds good and play it back? Yes. Oh, boy. Sultry. Oh, so sultry. Yeah, it's so sultry.
I can see her head moving. She was making love to the microphone. To the tiny earbud microphone that she used. I was petrified that someone was going to walk in on me. So I was standing there just like stone cold, gripping the little headphone and just like looking back and forth, making sure that nobody was walking in on me. Oh my gosh. One moment. I'll be right there. Working on a project. I'll be right there. The vein is out. Her forehead is out. When she gets really embarrassed, the vein on her forehead pops out. I leave the room, so that's what I do. How many times did you record it?
I had to do it in one take. I was too scared that people were going to walk in on me. I can't believe you sent it away and let him watch it when you weren't even there. You didn't even know how he would react. That's the scary part. Yeah. I'll tell you how he would react. He tears his clothes off. He's mad with passion. But she's not with him. I would laugh my ass off. I sent it to him, and a couple hours had gone by. Nothing. No response. Because he was on the East Coast. Longest hours of your life. So I'm like, what the heck is going on? Is he showing his friends? I freaked him out. I freaked him out. Who else is listening to this? Is it on YouTube now all of a sudden? Yeah. So I called him. I'm like, did you get the email? No, no, no. Are you near a computer? He's like, yeah, yeah. So I'm like, go check your email. So he goes, oh, here it is. Oh, it's an MB3. And he's like, I'm going to play it. And I'm like, I got to go. And I hung up the phone. And I was like, I couldn't listen while. While he was listening. You couldn't listen to this? Santa cutie. I got a boner. Lauren, when you were about to send the email and everything's on there, it's loaded, and you sat there with the mouse over the send button for like 15 minutes. I did.
I did. Watching it. I did. As it's processed. As it's sent. Is this a good idea? As it's sent. My heart was pounding. And then I was like, it's done. It's too late. I can't do anything about it now. When you click on that mouse to push the send, it wasn't just a slow click. It was like, done. All right, I'm out. Yep. I'm done. And you log off immediately. I went. It's the same feeling like when your friend, like when Todd's friend that we talked about yesterday sent the picture of his bazinka bazoink with his face. To Craigslist, it must have been one of those moments. He's like, hey, look, it's sent. What am I going to do? Published. It's out there. It's published. Todd accidentally got that from his friend. Yes. Accidentally. It was the craziest. Listen to the podcast and I say you will die. It was gold. It was gold. Might have sent the picture to Rebecca. You did? Because she asked for it. Creep. Wow. That's weird. My wife didn't even ask to see it. She didn't even know. She goes, I want to see it. And I go, okay. The piece? And she was sitting there. She wanted to see the email. She wanted to see the piece. You want to see the wiener. And so I heard her go, oh, gosh. She was sitting next to me. She goes, oh. And I go, what? She goes, I didn't. And she had scored up real quick. She goes, I didn't realize it was like that. Well, his face is tiny and then the other thing is huge. I forwarded it to you because you wanted to figure out what was going on on the air. Todd forwarded it to some of his friends. And you said, I don't condone that. Although you forwarded it to Rebecca. You said it to your wife. You did the same thing. We are one.
Oh, please. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. How do you make check sound sexy? Like that? Check. Check. Check. Right there. One minute. Here we go. Oh, no, no. I hate this part. This is the best. My voice cracks. Tiffany. Here we go. Indian style on the floor or what are you doing? Standing. Standing. It's on the sink. Computer in the sink. Sitting on the toilet. Toilet. Toilet lid. Shower. No. In the shower. You're in the shower. The vein is in full effect right now. The vein is popping out. Where was the computer? Where were you? You're sitting on the toilet. It's on your lap. I brought the nightstand from the hallway. Oh, my God. She set up a lap. It was a beat lap. She set up a beat lap. I know.
Jay-Z show up and just mix it down real good. Did you like candles? Eminem, yeah. Did you like candles? Did you have wine? You have wine, yeah. No. Decanter, wine, candelabra. It was the middle of the afternoon. It was just... Light some incense and... I didn't even prep my voice or like... Kombucha. Bumblebee, bumblebee. Bumblebee, bumblebee. Lemon face, lion face. Lemon face, lion face. Over the tongue, teeth, and lips. Over the tongue, teeth, and lips. Unique New York. Unique New York. Unique New York. Oh, a little pitchy dog. Yeah. That part. A lot of pitchy. Oh, the worst hurry is the worst one. Oh, gosh. I... I love that so much. I love it so much. Matt, if I got that from a girl, though, I would have been like, I go. He said, to this day, it's one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done. It's very nice. Maybe dress up in lingerie. I did at the stage out there. It's good stuff.
Well, that's the last time you hear that. Yeah, last one. I'm fine with never hearing Taylor again. I may pay people off to never hear that again. Nope. That's not my favorite name. We need to get something on these two clowns. It's BS, actually. Something on Jay and something on Sienna. You know... Nothing really embarrasses Sienna, though. She doesn't get embarrassed. She gets mad. Oh, she gets embarrassed, but we haven't done it yet. There's plenty of embarrassing things about me. We haven't uncovered them. We haven't gotten them yet. Why? I don't know. Be more open. I am super open. I'm just not as odd. I was going to say odd. Not as weird as you guys. She's not as weird. Mike and Lauren are unique people. They do some things. Crazy. I'm just kind of not boring. I don't know. You're normal. Yeah. I'm sure there's things where if Todd could get the hidden audio. Oh, yeah. There would be some. I don't know. I don't know either. See, but whatever it is, I would do it in front of you anyway and be like, oh, you want to hear? You know, like. I'm really weird. Yeah, me too. I'm not that abstract. I'm just an idiot. You're weird. I'm not weird. I'm just an idiot. A little bit. How am I weird? I don't do weird stuff. A little.
Didn't you sing at the table? Dude, you eat toy bats. Yeah. I mean, I chew on stuff, but that's not weird. Yeah, but you eat it, too. As in, like, a plastic baseball bat. A plastic baseball bat. You chew on it and you eat it. You eat the plastic. He eats everything in sight. No, you eat all the things in front of you. He's just a delinquent. Wood, metal. Yeah, I'm just a delinquent. He's a delinquent. Yes, it's true, but you also have your little quirks. I'm not weird, though. I don't think I'm weird. You do, like, air guitar and air hair. Air drums. He does air baseball, like, swings a bat. Yeah, you do. But, no. These two are weird. Here's the deal, Woods. This is the thing about a lot of times you do things that you believe to be normal. Right, exactly. But if everybody knew, they'd go, oh, that's weird. Really? Strange thing you do. For instance. I think a lot of people thought it was odd that you go to the bathroom with your laptop and turn the trash can upside down and use it as a little, you know, as a table. So handy. And you both sit down when you pee. We both sit down when we pee. Well, that's because we're both lazy. Yeah, but it's weird. Is that weird? Well, yeah. Does anybody else do that? We're grown up men. Todd? That's good. When Todd was in Little League, his baseball coach, when the boys weren't playing very well, he'd be like, what are you, sit down to pee? Come on. Oh, yes. He would say to them, my grandfather used to say that. Yes, I do. I know. Why stand when you can sit? You can sit down. But what, you guys, it takes two seconds. No, a lot of times it takes two seconds. I wish I could stand. I read when I pee. I read. How long are you?
What are you peeing for? No, but I will sit there. We've had this conversation. I'll sit there for... If it's a pee, I'll sit there for five minutes. I'll be in the bathroom for three to five minutes. If it's a deuce, then I'll sit in there for 20 minutes. Oh, thanks. Do not go in there. Maybe you just get a comfy recliner. I... Just cut a hole in it. Why don't they? I have something that... I wanted to bring up, and I don't know if it's the right time, but I have to throw Jay under the bus. What did I do? Oh, I've been sitting on this for about 24 hours. Look at Jay. 24 hours. Missed? Don't even. You are. Give me some back. I want to give you some backstory. Jay is an older man. I love Jay like a great-grandfather. An older man. An older gentleman. I love him like a great-grandfather. Oh, you are a D. But one thing Jay will do, he knows how to, I'm not going to use the word berate, but he.
He makes you feel like you do stuff wrong. He will get you. And he gets me a lot. He's like a dad. He's like an older, older dad. What do you mean? He's like a granddad. I'll tell you. He's always like, Woods, I can't believe you would do that. That's so irresponsible. I don't say it like that. I just say you need to do your own gig. What's the matter with you? What's wrong with you? Like I'm one of his kids. He's disappointed. You are over the break. Jay asked me. He has a New Year's resolution. One of his resolutions, he's always wanted to learn guitar. The first night I met Jay was at Mikey's house. I was playing the guitar, and Jay was watching me like I was Jimmy Page. He was like, that's incredible, man. He was so enthralled with it. He goes, Woodsy, I really want to learn a few chords. Will you show me a few chords? I don't have a guitar. Finn's got one, but it's not that great. Can I borrow one of yours? I've got four. So I said, sure. So I took it over to Jay's. He kept it for a week or so over the break. Got it back yesterday. It's scratched. And it's scratched like a mofo. Yes, you are out of your mind. There is a scratch down the back of my Takamini that looks like... It came that way. Did it. That looks like he took a screwdriver and went...
That's what I was doing over the break. I was like, what can I do? Down the back of it. Who's more responsible? With guitars? Oh, really? Yeah. I find the guitar leaned up against the wall in here. No, it's on the stand. Always. Always on the stand. Always. How do you think it happened? Because if it's like that kind of a scratch. It's a pretty good size gouge in there. And it's on the back. I'll show you. I'll show you on this one. It's on... You could be a crackhead. It's on the back, like this. And it literally looks like he went and put it down on a table in the corner, scratched it. My guitar is... Now, listen, it's not that expensive of a guitar. It's not that expensive? It's not that expensive of a guitar. It's a nice guitar. It's probably a $500 guitar. I've got to say this guitar is beat. No, it's not at all. It is beat. It is not. It's got a loose, one of the tuner things up top is loose already, like it needs to be repaired. It wasn't. Oh my gosh. Are you serious? So here's the deal. There's a giant scratch in my guitar after I loaned it to Jay. Mr. Response. I'm going to take this opportunity, Jay.
to berate you for scratching my guitar and I think maybe trying to hide it. I would gladly take you berating me, but it was there. I took that thing out of the case every time. So you saw it when you took it out? No, I didn't. Oh, okay. But I took it out and put it back in, and the only place I used it was in my room, so no one else touched that guitar. Maybe it was Jasper. Jasper's not whipping a guitar out. If he got it out, he'd leave it out. Maybe it was Jasper. I want to say I believe Jay. I do believe Jay. But, but, but, but. Jay is one of the biggest cheapskates ever. A thousand percent. I'm frugal. He would never come clean about something that would cost him money. He would have to pay for it. Something that would cost him money. Yeah, but he would be extra careful with it because he's so frugal. There's kids running around in and out. If it was my responsibility, I 100% would be on board with it. He got upset about a wiffle ball or a wiffle bat. Yeah. Don't ruin the wiffle bat. That's true. It doesn't matter.
All I know... Here, okay, let's just... The facts. I had a guitar that didn't have a scratch in it. I gave it to Jay. I got a scratch in it now. You are... Don't know how it got there. Next time I borrow something, we're going to walk... Like they do at Enterprise. Yeah, we'll do Enterprise rental car. We're going to walk around the vehicle. I'm going to do a little... Okay, we'll do a checklist. Initial here. Jay, I just want you to admit... You know what? I don't want any money for it because... He's not going to. If he admitted he'd have to pay for it. No, he wouldn't. I'll tell you why. Here we go. I'll split it with you. It's not my fault, but I will split the repair. That's noble. And what I will say is I don't even want your money. I want you to admit that it's possible it happened at your house. No. That's all I wanted. And he won't give it to me. I know Woods well enough to know it wasn't there. No. I know. Mikey, my guitars is the only thing I care about. I've seen him handle guitars. He holds them like they're little babies. They're the only thing. Everything. My car, I'll run into mailboxes. I'm like, whatever. It's a den. I'm not even fixing it. My guitars, I'm like.
Those are my babies. Yeah. You need to bring it in on Monday. Let's have a look at this guitar. Will you admit that it's possible? Let's just look at the guitar that's in such good shape. Can you admit that it's possible? Just bring the guitar in on Monday. Please bring it in. I'm starting to be swayed. I want you to see this guitar that is in perfect condition. Just admit that it could happen. Could it have happened? Are you telling me the tuner up top is in perfect condition? No, because it was broken before, but I had it fixed. But it's not fixed very well. It's a little loose. But I'm not talking about the tuner. I'm talking about the giant scratch on the back of it. Crazy. Admit that it could have happened. He won't do it. Unbelievable. Did you know that every time Joe Biden talks to a little girl, he says the same thing? Every time. You want to know what it is? We'll tell you after this. I probably heard this album 900 times in 2003. Soundtrack of my life in 2003. I just bought a bunch of his solo stuff and I love it. Yeah. John Foreman. It's so good. It's good. Yep. Beautiful voice. So check this out. Tell me what you think about this. Joe Biden. This is a montage of Joe Biden. He makes the same joke to every little girl. It's creepy.
that he meets. I wonder why that line was so funny to him. My dad's friend used to say that too. That was the line? Really? Yeah. Maybe it's an old guy thing. What's my dad's? My dad has one. My dad doesn't have any lines. My dad's got one. He has a go-to. My dad always says rascal. Looking good, rascal. Really? To like all my friends. My dad, if he meets someone named Charlie, likes to say, what's up, Chuck? Oh. Get it? Up, Chuck.
My dads are lame sometimes. Yeah, it's going to be us. Yes. I will be full-on embarrassing my son at all times. All times. And I'll do it and be like, gotcha. See, I feel like I won't talk very much around. You won't. Your kids' friends will be like, your dad doesn't come out of his room. He's in his room. Is he Howard Hughes? It'll be that, or it'll be, your dad doesn't like me. Your dad hates me. Your dad's quiet. And I go, why do you say that? Because every time I come over, he doesn't say anything. Yeah, it's just the way he is. He's weird, man. That's my dad. He's freaking weird. That's uncomfortable. I hated going over to the house where my dad wouldn't talk. It's like, oh. All my kids' friends think I'm super strict. He's like, your dad is so strict. I'm like, really? You think so? I'd probably think that of me, too. Just going over scratching guitars over at Jay's house real good. It's cool, man. You can go over to Jay's. You can do whatever you want. You scratch guitars up.
You can eat edamame. Ride motorcycles. Maybe we don't hit on 16-year-olds in my house. Don't you? 13 things. I have a list of things that the sales clerk will not tell you. Let's see. One thing they do not tell you. We do a lot more than unlock fitting rooms. Apparently, they scrub bathrooms, windex mirrors, dust shelves, answer phones, and clean up after customers. Did not know that. Thought that a sales clerk's only job was to help you try stuff on and open that door. Oh, I've been one. Let's see. No one helping you after I brought you six different sweaters in the fitting room. No one was helping you after I brought you six different sweaters in the fitting room. It's rude to not tell the cashier. Yeah. You get a taste. You know how you walk into a store and you're trying stuff on and then people bring you stuff and then you go to check out and buy your items and then it's a different person helping. You say, oh, did anyone help you today? And it's so easy to just be like, no, because you don't know the person's name. So you always need to remember their name so that they could get the commission. Yeah, and they get a taste of everything. Well, a lot of places where I worked, I got a little commission. Yeah. Make it right. Don't be an idiot.
Pet peeve of salespeople is when customers paw through stacks of shirts. Of course. Because now they have to spend 15 minutes board folding the whole pile again. I have an idea. Maybe just hang stuff up. Don't have everything folded because I go. It's a nightmare. And you know how you do it. They stack small to XL, right? Or double XL. Or triple XL in my case. And you are like. I need an XL. And you start thumbing through, and you're like, great. I'm halfway through, and it's medium. Yeah. And you keep thumbing through. You're like, oh, it's on the bottom. You pull the one on the bottom. They all fall over. You're like, oh, I'm the a-hole that did that. And I've been in retail. Well, a lot of times, too, they don't stay small to extra large. Yeah. There's jumble. Small at the bottom. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. I just want to find my size. I go from my hand under it. And then I go from my other hand under the other pile. Oh, look at you. Pick it up. I seem to have no problem. What about asking? Should I ask? Hey, man, will you grab me an XL? I don't want to mess up your pile. Is that weak? Yeah. It's weak? I've been on both sides. I'm going to start asking. That's just how it is. 13 things the sales clerk won't tell you. Sure, I'll put that sweater on hold for you, but most of the time you don't come back, so I'm going to probably sell it to somebody else. That'd be bad. Who puts stuff on hold and why? Why?
Buyer's indecision? Okay, say I'm looking for something for a special occasion. I'm like, I think that'll be good to wear for the wedding, but let me see if this store has anything else. You are such a comparison shocker. I am. I see something, I'd like to just buy it. Me too. She'll go to five stores. I'll be in and out in 15 minutes. LLB will go to 15 stores in one day. It's different though. with girls because things fit so differently and it's like I see what she means with a special occasion. Like you want to look great when you put on a nice dress. I'm like that one will do if I can't find anything else. But what if there's something better? And it's not about the price. If it'll do, why won't you do it? Because what if there's one that's better? What if there's not? Then you've wasted like two hours. And it killed you doing it? Like it's just so boring and awful. But I usually go with something in mind that I want. And then when I can't find it, I'm like, well, that's not what I wanted, but it's... I guess I can do that. You don't want to settle. A lot of retailers count the shoppers that come in, and then they calculate the percentage of who will actually buy something. That's too much work. If I don't convert enough browsers to buyers, I hear from my district manager. Oh, is that why they bug you? Uh-huh. Yes. I bet they hear... I'm just looking.
That's what everybody says. I'm just browsing. I'm slicking. I'm slicking. I'm slicking. I'm slicking. I'm slicking. I'm slicking. I'm slicking. I'm slicking. Sometimes I say, do you guys sell bathing suits? Or like something like that. Really? I don't know if it's a gigantic store and I don't feel like looking around. Let's see. I won't ask a yes or no question like, can I help you? Instead, it's always an open-ended, what can I help you find today? I don't like that either. Nothing. I don't need any. I'm good. I know what I want. I'm here. Well, if I do need something, right, I'll ask you. They should be there for you to ask your help if you need it. Or ask me one time. I don't need the follow-up. You still okay? You still doing okay? Yeah, I'm fine. You're either in the store where they overdo it or they don't ask you at all. And it makes me mad when they don't ask you either. Not me. I wanted them to ask one time. They always ask you at a nice place. It doesn't matter. If you're buying clothes, they always ask you. But then... If you go to, like, Home Depot, nobody comes up to you and goes, hey, man, can I help you find a 80-20-90, 80-20-80-90 screw that you need? That's the place they should be asking you. Absolutely. They should have 100 people in orange vests walking around. Yeah, dude. I went in there the other day for caulk, caulk, and caulk, white caulk. And I walked around, I was like...
I've been in Home Depot twice my whole life. Do you ever just feel like going, I beg someone to help me. I beg anyone in the world to help me. I get upset in Home Depot. It's so big. It's a giant store. There's people walking around in orange vests. And when they see you, they immediately want to look away. Because they know you need help. I asked this guy where the caulk was. And he goes, I swear, he goes, it's by the paint. And I was like. How the hell am I supposed to know that? Yeah, you idiot. I'm the dope that goes into Home Depot and the guy goes, it's on 17. And I'm like, where is that? Yeah, I do that. It's after 16 and it's before 18. Well, you're in the middle of the story. You're like, I'm going to walk this way. It's going to be 24. Oh, yeah. All I want is I want you to take me to where it is. And I want you to show me. And then you might even take it. Just ring it up for me. Just get it and take it to my house and put it in. And you know what would have been lovely for me at Home Depot? One who is not very handy. My wife was caulking our shower. And I had to ask where the caulk was. He told me where the caulk was. The what? I found it. You know what I didn't know you needed with caulk? What? A caulking gun. I took it home. My wife goes.
are you effing kidding me with this? And I go, what? She goes, you didn't buy a caulking gun? I go, no. And she had to cut the tip off. You're like, do I need a caulking hose and a caulking gun? You didn't go back? No. She squoze it. The caulk. Squeezed it? She squeezed the caulk along. Oh, really? Oh, boy. Along the shower. She's handy. She's very handy with caulk. Even I knew you needed a gun. I did not know that. I did not know that. I knew that better. Yeah, it needs to be more even. But a guy in an orange vest would have said, hey, bro, do you have a gun to go with this? And I would have said, no? Yeah. What's that? I think he probably assumed that you knew. Well, why would you assume? There are certain places that you go into where you're like, I'm begging anybody to look at me and help me. And there's other places where they're all over you. You know where the number one place is? And you'll probably appreciate this, too, and any of you other fellow gaming nerds like Mike and I. If you go to Target to buy a game, you know how they have them locked up? 20 minutes. Standing. Standing. People are walking by. I'm like, yo, can I get a game? I don't work in that department. It's just in general. If you walk into Target. If you walk into Target and you need to know where something is, you're just looking for somebody. You've got to find it. I was looking for...
During Christmas time, I was looking for a particular toy called Follow Me Freddy. And there was no bigger nightmare than the toy section of Target at Christmas. Was it an adult toy? No, it was for a baby. It was a little dog. You said it. I didn't know. I was like, oh, follow me. Follow me, Freddy. No, Freddy. Freddy. Follow me. But I couldn't find it, but I was like, well, I don't know. I just want to make sure that I'm not missing something, because there's like 17 weird different sections that have toys. So I went to a woman in the toy department, and I said, excuse me. And I said, do you know if you guys have a Follow Me Freddy? And she goes, ah. Ah! I mean, we could, but I'd have to ask somebody. Sorry to put you out. I had some mid-target ask me if I had the SKU number. Yeah. 48-792-81-2092-8040-2012-4. She was like, I'd have to ask somebody. Did you check in the toy section? No. And I saw M1Liz and M1Winder there, and I told them that I was like, yeah. They're like, did she work here? I'm like, yeah, she worked here.
They're like, because that sounds like some sort of villain. I have to ask somebody. Sounds like a criminal. Sorry. It's true, though. Maybe you do your job. Maybe ask somebody? Yeah. Sorry to put you out. Ever been at a grocery store, can't find something? Oh, yeah. Trying to find it? They're good at the grocery store. They know. No, no, no. That's the thing about the grocery store. They'll help you. But have you ever tried to find something on your own? On your own? It's brutal. It's hard to find the salad dressing sometimes. It is. Y'all say. Me too, man. Isn't it like a wall of salad dressing? They're always in a different spot depending on the grocery store. I literally didn't know how to respond to that. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Yes. It sure is. You know what's hard? Buttermilk. That is hard to find. It's a Mikey show with a live studio audience. Hey, let's give a big round of applause to Brett's Barbecue. We've been here today. Oh, so good. Really good. It's not smoked. It's not barbecue. And they have two locations. They're on Crossman Way in 4S Ranch. And they're also on Encinitas Boulevard in Encinitas. I also want to thank our drink sponsors. Activate Drinks. It's a fresh twist on vitamins and lots of vitamins, lots of electrolytes, no sugar, five calories a bottle. Ili Isimo, the pure pleasure of Ili Coffee to go. And Voss Water.
I love Lost Water. We're going to have Weiland's ex-wife on the air. She just wrote a book. My wife read it and I read it. You did? Yeah. Is it good? It's called Fall to Pieces and it is dynamite. Yeah. Is she coming in or just on the air? Probably on the phone. She is awesome. Yeah. Very attractive lady. She's a model. Imagine that. Yeah. Imagine that. But she's talking about her history with depression and she's talking about their life together and all that. I'll tell you. Very... I rarely would I read a book by a rock star wife. That was one that when I knew it was coming out, I was like, I got to get it. And Jamie and I both loved it. She's from here. From San Diego? Yeah, she's from San Diego. They had a house over on Coronado for a while. Big fan. The Weilands. Scott Weiland lived in Coronado? Lived on Coronado, yeah. No way. Random. Yeah, I didn't know. Yeah, they bought a house over there. We'll ask her all about it. Yeah, we will. It's a really good book. Let's see. 570-1949.
I thought it'd be interesting to talk to her because of my history with Weiland. Yeah. My history. I think he's a fascinating guy. Him and I have never seen eye to eye, which is a bummer because I'm a fan. There's a story in there. Sienna, you just had a baby. You can appreciate this. Your wife said three. Jay's wife said four. During her pregnancy, while she was giving birth, while she was in labor, he had a masseuse come in and give him a massage. While she was in labor. He was stressed. Oh, yeah. He was very stressful. He was stressed. I would. And she was on the table. This is true. It's in her book. She was on the table giving birth. And he's like, oh, yeah. Can you get that? I need to get that nod out of the back of my neck a little bit. Wow. Oh, yeah. I would kick him the heck out of my room. Can you believe? Get out. Go home. Rebecca's giving birth. And there's Mikey getting a pedicure in the hospital while Rebecca's like, ah. I hate you. Well, here's the thing. I think to myself, it takes a lot to make that choice up here. It enters your head. You're like, oh, man, you know what would be good right now is a massage. And then you think to yourself, and you know what? I've got the means, and I've got the wherewithal to be able to get it done. And you think about cell phones in my pocket, and then you're going, well, I'm going to reach for it right now. I'm going to call Jim, who is my business manager, and Jim can arrange it. And then you see her going,
And you go, yeah, screw that. That is the most selfish thing I've ever heard. I can't do that. If I do that, then I'm in a different category of person. I can't. I can't. I can't call them a suit. You're a monster if you do that. At some point, you're going, and then you take a left on Crane Avenue. and then the hospital will be there to the right. You head to Ventura. There's the first parking lot, not the second. You come in there. The second one, pass the first one. If you ask, you can bring your table up. You get to the jack-in-the-box, by the way. You're too far. You pass the entrance, so it's around. And the valets there are really cool. They'll actually help you get the table up, and we're on the seventh floor. Route 701. 701. It's a private room because I'm wyland. So when you get there. You're going to have to say that your name is Applejacks because I've already put up at the front thing that Applejacks is here. So when you get here, just say, hey, it's Applejacks. You're with the Weiland family. The Applejack family. Because we have to use a fake name. Right. Babe, do you have your purse? I need a credit card.
Did you bring your purse, bitch? Oh, my gosh. Bring your purse. Hang on a second. I'll just go in your purse. Oh, my gosh. I'll just go in your purse. I'm going to go in your purse. You're not going to get it. I'm taking this one, okay? I'm going to use, yeah. Is it okay to use this one? The black one? Which one? I don't know which one. I love it. Yeah. I don't know which one to use. I always screw it up. I read it. And my wife brought it up to me. And I read it and went, oh, wow, and just kind of filed it away. Like, that's an interesting tidbit. And Jamie's like, can you believe what he did? And I was like, and then as a bit, I was like. What? It's a stressful thing. And she was like, you're a monster. I was like, babe, I'm kidding. It makes me mad at you guys just joking about it. I'm like. You look over and there's Todd. Just get this backwards. Don't even say it. Like, I will go home and punch Todd. And that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Could you guys keep it down? If he was like even eating an ice cream or in any way enjoying himself while I was going through that. Well, I want you to imagine. Men aren't even allowed to eat in there because we'll get so mad. I want you to imagine the guy or woman.
Whatever it is. Walking in. With their mobile. Their massage bed. The bed. You know like opening it up. And they're like. Can you. Can you get the. Yeah just hold that. Oh my gosh. And they're like. Bam. Putting the legs. The legs are hitting down. She's like. In a freaking maternity ward. I'm trying to set the mood. But that woman keeps screaming. She's screaming. Wyland's like. Takes off his shirt. Just derobing. Yeah. Taking his clothes off. Incredible. He's naked, laying on the thing. Just a tiny towel over his butt. Would you like lavender? Or would you prefer lavender or lemongrass? Eucalyptus. Do you have any hot rocks? I don't have any eucalyptus, but I have lavender and lemongrass. Lavender will do. Just, you know, let's make this snappy. Really get in there. I need to get in there. My shoulders are killing me. I had a long tour. How's the pressure? It's good. Just let me know if you need me to change the pressure in any way. Is there any areas that need special attention? My inner thighs, but... Oh, wow.
Can you believe that? I don't even want to talk about it. I'm upset. That may be interesting. And if you want, Mike, I'd be happy to do the one sheet on her because I read the book. Yeah, I would love that. That'd be awesome. M1 Virgin Nikki's on the line. What's up? Hi, guys. Hi. I just wanted to wish Woodsy an awesome weekend. Thank you. That's sweet. I'm thinking about you and praying for you this weekend. Thank you very much. It's going to be great. I'm going to have a good time. I'm hopeful that it will be. It's going to be surreal, I think, is the best word to describe it. Woodsy's going to meet the birth mother for their new baby. Yeah. They're adopting a baby. Everybody get their things in the mail, everybody? Yes. They're awesome. Good. Thank you. All right. Thank you, Virgin Nikki. Thanks, guys. Thank you, dear. I appreciate it. Bye. Did you get yours? Yeah. Well, it was there, but I only get my mail every couple days. So Brian misspelled? Not that I noticed. This is so weird. I don't think it was. This is so weird. This is so weird. Well, because I was looking at the invitations, and I noticed yours, and it was misspelled. And Matt Commerce made the cut?
Yeah. He was on there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. And so I looked at him. I was going through him because Rebecca's doing it. So she put together the invitations. I'm going through him. They're beautiful. And O'Brien is misspelled. A-N? I guess. I don't remember. It was like. So anyway, I notice it. And so I told Rebecca. I wrote her an email. Weird. Weird. And said. She was sitting next to you. I know. Babe. Instead of just going, babe. Yeah, I write it. And I said, hey, did you know that the. The invitation for Lauren was misspelled. She goes, oh, okay, so I'll fix it. So in my office, Rebecca will take my stuff and just dump it in my office. And I don't blame her because I'll have a boot will sit on the kitchen table for a month if she doesn't do that. So she'll take stuff and just put it in my office. It'll be just like that. Once he stuck up his boot. That'll be our kitchen table. And she tried a thing where she was like, you know what? I'm going to keep it there until he takes. And I wouldn't. It'd be there a year. Oh, wow. She tests you. Mine does the same. Is that a new plan holder? She learned. Nice. So now she takes it to the office. Well, she put a FedEx package on my desk. And it sat there.
for a week before I was like, I wonder what that is. So I finally looked inside of it and it was labels for your baby shower woods. And so I was like, oh, this isn't mine. So I took it back into the kitchen and put it on the island. Well, this morning it was back. And I'm like, what the heck is this? So I like wanted to see like, well, maybe there's something for me. So I look in there and there's like the The O'Brien one. The remake. The remix. The remake. And it's spelled good and everything. So I wrote an email. I'm like, what's the O'Brien sticker? Did I give that to Lauren? Do you think she wants that as a keepsake? What is the deal with that? Here, she wrote me back.
Yeah, I was printing some other labels for Wood Shower. I must have left it there. Sorry, hon. Okay, okay. That's it. Your wife is a sweet, sweet lady for doing this for us. We're very thankful. They look really good. It's amazing. It looks like a poster for a concert. Yeah, it's a rock star theme. Okay, anybody got anything going on this weekend? Yeah, mine's actually, I've got Monday is the Big Bear, fourth annual Big Bear trip goes on sale. Ten spots are for sale. Each one has four. four positions in it, and you get lift tickets, accommodations, the whole nine yards, all the details are on 949.com, SD.com. Very cool. I have a stand-up gig tonight in Carlsbad in the La Costa area at Joey's Smokin' Barbecue. That is in the La Costa area on El Camino in the Vaughn Shopping Center. 8 o'clock. When? 8 o'clock tonight, $10. There you go. Anybody else? Anybody else? At the end of the show on Friday, I give you my testimony, which is my story. And the reason that I do it is hopefully there are people that are listening that have a similar story. And if they do, they can get something from mine. I was sexually abused when I was a kid. I was five years old. And it doesn't matter, man. I've told that a million times. I always get it out initially. But then I'm always freaked out after I say it. But I do it because there's a reason.
I grew up my whole life insecure. I was always a lot smarter than a lot of other kids. And I felt different. I always felt like I didn't fit in. And that nobody understood me like I was in my own world. And as I got older, I was really, really insecure. But I had a talent for the voices that I do and all that stuff. I grew up really insecure when I got into radio. Around my mid-20s, I started working for Rock 105. It was Rock 102 at the time. And I started to drink a lot. And I started doing drugs. I was doing crystal and I was doing cocaine. And I was drinking a lot. And I just didn't want anybody to know all the stuff about me. Earlier we talked about the ways that were weird. The ways that I was weird was I was making myself get sick so that I could lose weight. I was making myself throw up.
I had an eating disorder nobody knew about. I had it for years. I was watching this TV show one time and it was talking about this girl that could barely move because she'd had this eating disorder and that she could barely move because of it. And that's what made me stop. Otherwise, I probably would have kept doing that. I probably would have kept drinking unless my dad pulled me aside and said, I can't continue to have a relationship with you if you continue to drink. And so... When I was about 23 years old, or excuse me, 33 years old, that's how old I was. I was laying in bed one night and I was crying, but it was like a silent cry where the tears are just pouring over the sides of your eyes, into your ears. I was looking up at the ceiling and I knew that I was going to die. And I was ashamed of myself because my dad wasn't talking to me.
I was ashamed that at that point, by that time, my drinking was such a secret. Nobody knew how much I was drinking. I would drink till I would throw up and then I'd go drink again. I was taking sleeping pills to be able to sleep. And then that night, I gave my life to Jesus Christ that night. I didn't even know who he was. I didn't know anything about him. I just said, please, if you exist, help me. And I felt warm. I just felt warm. 2005, I was at my dad's house because he had taken me back into his life. Earlier, that woman said on the clip of the homeless guy with the golden radio voice, maybe there's some similarities there for me too. She said the prodigal son had come home. That's what his mother said. That's what my dad thought when I came back. I was driving with my dad the other day, and I randomly asked him, what do you want most for your kids?
He said, I want him to love God. He said, me too, Dad. This life is like a grain of sand on the beach. One day I'll be dead. I won't be on the radio. None of us will be on the radio. So what are we left here? If you suffer with addiction, an eating disorder, secrets, go to MikeyShow.com. And up at the top of the page, it says help. You click on that section. It'll give you help with all that kind of stuff. At the end of the show, I play a song that is... Hopefully inspirational for you. This was a song that I discovered the year that my son was born. And it is very, very hopeful. And it's by a band called Third Day. It's called Tunnel. And I invite you to really listen to the words of the song, especially if right now you're suffering. Lovely and Talented Hillary is up next. And we will see you again on Monday. The Mikey Show is out.