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28 Hour Show - Movies - Part 3
28 Hour Show MoviesKIOZRock 105.3
star trek iiwrath of khangenesis devicekobayashi maruspock deathbone smoochmontalban tankirstie alleystar wars vs star trekhot dog eatingmic rulepajama joke
The show opens with the host (Mikey) setting microphone rules and encouraging laughter while the audience watches Star Trek II. Throughout the broadcast, Sean and the host debate franchises, joke about Ricardo Montalban's tan, Kirstie Alley's cameo, and the Kobayashi Maru hot‑dog eating record. Later bits include the bone‑smooch gag, a detailed explanation of the Genesis device by Dr. Marcus, and the climactic scene where Spock enters the radiation chamber to die. These moments blend movie riffing, trivia, and fan‑service jokes that define the episode's memorable flow.
What happened, in order
Mic and Laughter Rules
The host explains the microphone policy, encourages laughter but asks the audience to stay quiet unless they have a mic.
One Two Three Play
The host leads a countdown to start the movie, joking about pajamas, pizza, and the brightness of the room.
Franchise Feud
Sean and the host argue that Star Wars is better than Star Trek, trading insults and defending their preferences.
Tanning Payment
They joke that Ricardo Montalban was paid in tanning sessions for his role as Khan.
Early Alley Appearance
The hosts discuss Kirstie Alley’s early cameo in the film, noting her bikini scene and her start on Match Game.
Hot Dog Eating
Reference is made to the Kobayashi Maru scenario and a record of eating 56 hot dogs at one time.
Bone Smooch Gag
During the battle scene, the crew jokes about a 'bone smooch' and mocks the bad special effects.
Genesis Explanation
Dr. Marcus describes the Genesis device as a process that creates life from lifeless matter.
Spock's Sacrifice
Spock walks into the radiation chamber to save the Enterprise, leading to his heroic death.
People mentioned
mikeyseankirstie alleyricardo montalbanwilliam shatnerleonard nimoydeforest kelleyjames doohangeorge takeinichelle nicholswalter koeniggabe
9,852 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
We're live back on the air. We're about to start our first movie. We do this during the 28-hour show. And we are about to start Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan. Now, here in this room, we definitely encourage your laughter. No doubt about it, we encourage your laughter. However, unless you have a microphone in front of you, do not talk. And the reason that I say that is not to be mean and be like, oh, we don't want you to talk. People on the radio can't hear you, but you can kind of hear mumbling. It sounds like this. That doesn't work. That doesn't work. So unless you have a microphone in front of you, try to keep your conversations to a minimum. No cussing, please. If you say one thing, this gentleman right here will boot you right out of here. Yeah, there is a no, what do you call it, policy? What do they call it? No tolerance. No tolerance policy. So. Without any further ado, this is what we're going to do. Now, is there various versions of Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan? There is. There's just, I guess, the regular version. There's a director's cut. We decided to just go with the regular version. If you have the director's cut, you're going to be fine. It's like four seconds difference. So you're going to be fine. Don't freak out. It shouldn't be a big deal. All right. So what we want you to do right now, if you're watching at home...
If you're watching at home, we want you to go to the main menu of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. Look at Montalban right there. It already looks sweet. Now, I want people to know that if you're new to this, it's like Mystery Science Theater 3000. We just make fun of the movie the whole time. I love your head. I love your head, boss. Oh, tattoo. You're only saying that because I blew mine off. Yes. I can see right through it. All right. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to say, one, two, three, play. When we say play, you hit the play button at home and follow along with us. How long does it take this guy to put on pajamas? I was just going to say. I saw her put the pajamas on, and then she was going somewhere. I think she was going home to take a nap. Droppy, droppy. Doocy, doocy. Doocy, doocy. Behind the scenes work, eh? Lucy, Lucy. Bowel, bowel. Oh, boy, this pizza is so good. Yeah. How do you not have a pizza? Dude, where are they ordering? From Oceanside? This is BS. Okay, are we ready to get going? I guess. Are we ready? It's way too bright in here. Way too bright in here. Where's our movie lights? I'm going to fall asleep. Will you, if we turn it off, the lights? I wouldn't go much darker than this. Don't go too... That's good, that's good, that's good. Now, I got a question. Once we start the movie, can we...
Blow it up. So there we go. There we go. Thank you. Okay. So I'm going to say one, two, three, play. And when I do that play, that's when everybody hits play on their home DVD. Here we go. One, two, three, play. Wouldn't that have been funny if we didn't hit play? I know. Psych! I don't know that we did. We did. All right. Here we go. Mount Erectus. Man, this is old. How old is this movie, Sean? Uh, this movie was made in 1982, 81. Ah, before Talkies. Yes. Awesome. And I have to say, Star Wars is way better than Star Trek. You are an ass, sir. I don't care what you say. It's the truth. You are an ass, sir. I'll fight to my dying death. My dying death. Dying death. As opposed to your live death. I'm not saying Star Trek is bad, Sean.
Actually, that's exactly what you're saying. Here's the thing, though, man. When you look at these special effects, like, space really did look good in these movies. If by good, you mean it looked like salt sprinkled onto a piece of black paper. It looks like my dandruff. Star Trek II, The Wrath of Dandruff. Ah, Scotty. As a fellow gay bad. Ah, B.B. Bash. Hey, isn't Kirstie Alley in this? Yes. Is she really? Yeah. When she was thin, she wore a bikini. She's in the very first scene, as a matter of fact, Mikey. Macho man Randy Savick. One of Kirstie Alley's first appearances in television was on the match game. Maybe you didn't know that. Stupid fact by Sean. Thank you. Yeah, all right. Let me ask you a question. How much do you think they had to pay Ricardo Montabon to?
Do this film. I believe they paid him in tanning sessions. Hey, Villages. He was actually very happy to do this film. He was coming off of Broadway at the time. We're not going to do this. We're not going to do this all. What? Guy knows facts about Star Trek II. They're at the gun. This is not a Star Trek pop-up version. I happen to enjoy this movie. That's great. I know a couple of things about it. Hey, nerd alert. I'd say he knows more than a couple of things about it. Easy, brother. Great director. Hi, Turtle. A nice Commodore computer he's looking on, by the way. Hey, you got Pong on that? Approaching neutral zone. All systems normal and functioning.
Leaving section 14 for section 15. Oh, as a fellow day back. I project parabolic course to avoid entering neutral zone. Aye, Captain. Where's Sam and Woody? Captain, I'm getting something on the distress channel. On speakers. It looks like bad acting. Yeah, it is. Apparently, Kirstie hadn't found Krispy Kreme out in space yet. Your message is breaking up. Still a few years away. Can you give us your coordinates? Repeat, this is the Starship. Our position is Gamma Hydra, Section 10. I'm impressed. Two black guys on the Starship. Well, it's equal opportunity at that point. And a K-Asian. That's right. Kobayashi? Wow. That's the guy that eats the hot dogs. I think it's giving the menu. Damn. It's killer. Mr. Sulu?
Fart and intercept course. Fart and intercept course? May I remind, Captain, that the starship enters the zone? I'm aware of my responsibilities, mister. Bitch. That's a fellow gay man. Estimating two minutes to intercept. The death scar. Awesome. Now entering the neutral zone. Looks like you should have subtitles under. We are now in violation of treaty, Captain. Great shot, kid. It was one in a million. Oh, I'm sorry, Sean. I've lost their signal. Alert. Sensors indicate three Klingon cruisers. Bearing 316. Mark 4. Closing fast. Visual. Battle stations. I'm sorry. Inform the Klingons we are on a rescue mission. They're jamming all the frequencies, Captain. Klingons on attack course, I'm closing. Mr. Sulu, get us out of here. Who's in charge? Where's Kirk? You'll find out in a second. Evasive action. Patience, my friend. Wait a second. Wait a second. Engineering, damage report. That looks so real.
Engage auxiliary power. Prepare to return fire. Wow, that's bad acting. Shields collapsing, Captain. Poor you. Oh, bone smooch got nailed. Fire all faces. No problems with the weapons, Captain. Captain, it's no use. Hey, Zulu. Activate escape pods. Send out the long way. How did we not know after that? DeForest Kelly looked like a Krispy Kreme donut. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. Um... Any suggestions, Admiral? Prayer. The Klingons don't take prisoners. Try out for cheers. Oh, wow, look at the young shat. Hello. Captain? Nice mascara. And eye shadow. He's a bold man, not eye shadow. To the briefing room.
Yeah, but he does paint on those brows. Yeah, they are very nice. The mock turtleneck was my idea. I'd say missionary, Captain. I'm not a drama critic. You're a drama king. Permission to speak candidly, sir. Permission to gain 40 pounds, sir. And why not? Because there was no way to win. A no-win situation is a possibility every commander may face. Has that never occurred to you? No, sir. It has not. It never occurred to you to try... How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say? As I indicated, Admiral, that thought had not occurred to me. Well, now you have something new to think about. Yes. Apologize. I'm going to take this newspaper and go take a dump. Wouldn't it be easier to just put an experienced crew back on the show? Catch you guys later. Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young doctor. Love your mouth. Now, what is that supposed to mean? What's that jive turkey talking about? Hey, Foxy Brown, how'd you get on the job? Aren't you dead? You know, Captain Kirk is the only one to ever beat the Kobayashi Maru scenario. I'm just saying he's the only one. No one's impressed. No one's impressed. We're not going to do this. They destroyed the simulator room and you win it.
The Kobayashi Maru scenario frequently wreaks havoc with students and equipment. There's a vacuum on your back. And what is he vacuuming? Really? Are people like eating little donuts throughout the hallways of the Enterprise? It's not even carpet. Yeah, it's tile. You idiot. It's the worst of tiles. Oh, wow. You're bad. None that I'm conscious of. Except, of course, happy birthday. Surely the best of times. Captain Spock. Captain Spock. Space shuttle leaving in 15 minutes. Fantastic. The Enterprise. By the way, Spock's final rank in Starfleet was admiral. And you. As well. What? Yep. Spock off. Sean, didn't he become an ambassador, though? He was an ambassador for a while. So it was his father. His father. I am your father. Why, bless me, doctor. God bless you. Beware Romulans. I'm not a doctor. Happy birthday, Jim. Where's the vodka? Would you like to know how I got the name Bones? You know, this is illegal. I only use it for medicinal purposes.
I got a border ship that brings me in a case every now and then across the neutral zone. Nice pants. He's wearing chaps. Now, don't be afraid. Apparently in the future they're gay. Yeah, well, it takes his stuff a while or for a minute. What the heck? Are we about to go? Here, give me. Now, you open this one. I'm almost afraid to. That's your zipper. What is it? Clingon aphrodisiacs? No. We're zooms. This is charming. For most patients your age, I usually recommend retinite spying. I'm allergic to retinite. Exactly. He's allergic to Rednecks 5. What are you going to do? Rednecks 5? No, Rednecks. There's Rednecks in outer space? Rednecks. You know you're in outer space, man. I don't know what to say. You could say thank you. Jim, what the hell is the matter with you? Other people have birthdays. Why are we treating yours like a funeral? What the hell do you want?
I want to be on Boston Legal. This is not about age. And you know it. It's about you flying a goddamn computer console. You're a Heidi. You're a Heidi. Hey, Bones, we're not that close. I think I know why they called you Bones. The war is over. I'm going to call you balls before the night's over. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God, pizza's here. Oh, holy manoli. I'm your doctor, and I'm your friend. And tonight I'm going to be your proctologist. Get it back before you turn into part of this collection. I'm going five-knuckle shuffle on you. All right. Before you really do grow up. I don't know, but it sounded hot. Whoa. Is that Chase? Even Chase was like, that's gay. It's a fellow.
Gabe. I'm sorry? It's the reliance. No, I heard you. He said he was sorry. Check off. What a country! Hey! Hey! A high five! Oh, those are tiny pizzas. Perfect for me. You guys don't get any. Stand at orbit, please. Mr. Beach, any change in the surface scan? Is that Admiral Billy Dee Williams? How did Orlando get on this? Does it have to be completely lifeless? Don't tell me you found something. But enough about my sex life. Who cares? All right. Get on the cockpit to Dr. Marcus. Listen. I think Ashley's playing soccer. Maybe it's something we can transplant. You know what she'll say. Let me get this straight. Something you can transplant? Yes, Doctor. Look, it's the American Idol microphone in space. I don't know. But it may only be a particle of preanimate matter. Then again, it may not. You boys have to be clear on this.
There can't be so much as a microbe or the show's off. Why don't you have a look? But if it is something that can be moved, I want... Is that about TV in the future? Yeah, I hope not. No kidding. Apparently bad perms still exist in the future. I'm going to work. They'll remember you in one breath. What's John McEnroe up here? No respect for my offspring. Far further course. You teaming up with me for bridge after dinner? Maybe. Why are they wearing the same blouse? Every time we have dealings with Starfleet, I get nervous. We are dealing with something that could be perverted into a dreadful weapon. Remember that overgrown boy scout he used to hang around with? That's exactly the kind of man. That's a perm talking. You'd think the white afro would go out of style in the future. Special effects.
Getting ready for the old Botany Bay, Shelby. That is hot. Shelby from our sales department just showed up. That's very nice. Nice showing her support. She always supports everything The Mikey Show does. I love that. Very nice, Shelby. We're glad to see you. What's happening, man? Good to see you. Sales department, Randy's here from the sales department. Very nice. Hey, hey. Did he just say, give me a ham? Sky, your comments. No, he says, give me a ham. I thought these smelled bad on the outside. Who farted? Where the Colt 45 at? Where's the vodka at? They crash, and where's the rest of the ship? Where the bitches at?
Chewbacca's chest set. They're on the Falcon. Don't they know? What the hell? What'd I be looking at? What do you think? I'm looking at some crazy ass moving dirt. Moby Dick? Man, insert your own joke there. Oh no. Oh no. We've got to get out of here now. Damn. Hurry. Never mind it. Hurry. What about the Co-45? I haven't even sold nothing yet. Hang on a second, Jackoff. Now, you gotta tell me. Outside? You said your name was Jackoff. Oh, no. Sand people. Jihad. This is Commander Kyle. Will you please respond, Captain? Captain Terrell, respond, please. T.O.
Come in, T.O. Real quick. Let's give them a little more time. Oh, look. Michael Jackson happens to be here. Nice. Fantastic. This is my... I guess for... There's Osama Bin Laden. This is not Fantasy Island. These guys know each other? What up? I don't know you. I do like that Thor, the God of Thunder, is there. Yeah. Or the Beastmaster, I'm not sure which. I thought that was Lord of the Dance. That was. Mr. Ethan. Apparently they're on the planet of bad mullets. I never thought to see your face again. Check out who is this man. Criminal Captain.
A product of late 20th century genetic engineering. What do you want with us? Sir, I demand we... You are in a position to demand nothing. What do you want? The Gavassier? I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see is all the remains of the ship's company. What, bad hair? Of the Botany Bay. Marooned here 15 years ago by Captain James Dean Kirk. Listen to me. You men and women, you have a cat. So let me get this straight. It's a planet of Lita Ford's. Say, you're strange. These people have sworn to live and die at my command. So we left you here to die with Stevie Nicks and Lita Ford. Do you mean he never told you the tale to amuse your captain? Hey, look, man, we barely even know each other.
Never told you how the Enterprise picked up the Botany Bay lost in space from the year 1996. Myself and the ship's company in cryogenic freeze. Let me tell the cruel and the gang here. Never told you how sent 70 of us into exile on this barren sample with only the cargo bay. You lie! In City Alpha 5 there was life. A fair chin. This is City Alpha 5! Great acting. You seem upset. Is it your hair products? Yeah. Is it because we left you no blow dryer? Six months after we were left here. The shock shifted the orbit and everything was laid waste. That sounds improbable. I'm okay then. Never bothered to check on our progress. What a D.
Dude, you're in Yuma. Relax. It was only the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that I would survive. Hold the dunes. You're going to have a great time. Now, what about Iron Maiden? You're right. Didn't he keep you company? A hundred years ago, I was a prince. He's more of a prince than that dick on The Bachelor. You are host. You repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him. Can you say that, but slower? In English. I know. I'll stick something in your ear. You didn't expect to find me. You thought this was... Seti Alpha Six? Oh, sure. We came here to dance. Well, this is Mr. Cool, and I'm his gang. Oh, whoa! Dwarf tossing in space.
From favorite future sport. Allow me to introduce you to Seti Alpha 5. It's a hot outfit. That is fake boobs. Yeah. I think your T's are out. These things made me nervous. I'm talking about his T's. I had to have one of those. Painful. Makes wiping a nightmare. Two more kids, Mikey. You're going to have to go through that. You see? Their young enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely... English, mother-effer. ...suggestion. Later, as they... Sky, tell us about that kind of tool. What is that, Sky? Is that like a yearly path tool, or what is that? Um, yeah, I think I have seen that at the gino's office. Con, listen to me. Let's be reasonable, Con. Pets. White. Domesticated.
I think Kirk was only doing his duty. He apologizes for DJ Hooker. Why are they both laughing? Rub some dirt on it. That's better. There's plenty of it. Now tell me. And tell me where I may find James. We told you we're here to dance. Can't a guy poop in peace? Okay. Enterprise, this is Admiral Kirk's party on final approach. Enterprise, welcome to you. Prepare for documents. Awesome. I hate inspections. I'm reading space travel for dummies. Any chance to go aboard the Enterprise? Going through the back door. My life of one, I'm glad to have you at the helm for three weeks. The porthole. I don't think these kids can steer. The butt. Honey! That's just late. And she's 17.
I can breathe again. She probably got a DUI, too. Apparently bad perms together, too. Mr. Scott, you old space dog. You're well. I had a wee bow, sir, but Dr. McCoy pulled me through. You had a bow? With your wee? And who do we have here? Midshipman first class, Peter Preston. Engineer's mate, sir. You're almost 12. First training voyage, Mr. Preston. Yes, sir. You like Ryan Seacrest, kid? Shall we start with the... Gladiator movie? We'll see you there, Simon. Everything is in order. That'll be a pleasant surprise, Mr. Scott. I'll see you on the bridge, Admiral. Oh, Keith Hernandez from the 86th Met. Dismissed. Awesome. What's he doing there? Let me get on the Enterprise for a candy bar.
Sky, what are they saying? Sky will now... Sky will now translate. Okay. You're all so funny. We got it. Okay, got it. Good job. They gotta get down the deflector shields. Wipe that stupid, fat smirk off your face. Boy, I shove a haggis in your face. Are your cadets capable of handling a minor training cruise? Give the word, Admiral. Scott, word is given. What about the rest of the inspection? Stop right there. You're just turning on the lights. Not that cool. What is Broadway? Operations. Enterprise is clear for departure. Admiral on the bridge.
This is the hottest Enterprise ever. Can someone turn the A.C. on? Main stage. Flux chiller support. Enable. Running lights on. I think I just saw Batto come in. Enable. Stand by. Space. Very well, Mr. Seven. There he is. Hey. Hey. More like a whale. Hey. Thank you. Tell us the bear story. Yeah, oh, good idea. Great idea. Good call. Lieutenant. I've never heard it. Have you ever piloted a spaceship out of space dock? Have you ever been with a woman? That's a good question. Have you ever put your whole fist in your mouth? For everything, there is a first time, Lieutenant. Yeah. Don't you agree, Admiral? I'm not a virgin. Don't you agree, Sulu? Would you like a tranquilizer? I had one quarter impulse power. I had one quarter impulse power. It's like I picked the wrong way to go off salt eater.
Pretty cool spaceship. It sure moves pretty slow. It's true. Rob. He ain't got no warp speed. It's the USS Rob. Take it up home. Normal speed. So, where's the urinals? We have one of each animal on board. We are free and clear to navigate. Course heading, Captain? Captain's discretion. Mr. Sulu. That means he doesn't know. You may. Mr. Sulu, where's your pants? Indulge yourself. Hi. Sulu, I'll see you in my quarters. We need to discuss something. Soft serve in space. How'd about do it? I don't think there's another piece of information we could squeeze into the memory banks. Next time, we'll design a bigger one. You would want to build it. Dr. Marcus. Yeah, that was built in 1960. Can't be coming in on Hyper Channel. That's a mammogram. It's the Starship Reliant. What? On the screen, please, Jedi. Put your breast in there. Come in, please.
This is Reliant calling Regular One. Repeat, this is USS Reliant. Nice 1950s phonograph he's talking to. This is filthy. Nothing has happened. CT Alpha 6 has checked out. Then I don't understand why you're... There is also a worm growing inside my head. I forgot to mention that. Anyway. Hope you're doing well. Take it easy. Your mom. Wa-wa-we-wa. Knew it.
I knew it. Follow along the military. What did you get there? It is completely improper, Commander Chekhov. I have no intention of allowing Reliant or any other unauthorized personnel access to our worker materials. I'm sorry that you feel that way, Doctor. Admiral Kirk's orders are confirmed. Please prepare to deliver Genesis to us upon our arrival. Reliant out. Those are sweet headbands. Well done, Commander. You realize, sir, They will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk. When you're stranded on a deserted island, the only thing that will get you through it... Oh, do not go in there. Thank you, sir. Turns out you got boobies. Lieutenant, are you wearing your hair differently? It's still regulation. I'm not talking about that hair. That's right. May I speak, sir? Self-expression doesn't seem to be one of your problems.
You're bothered by your performance on the Kobayashi Maru. I failed to resolve the situation. But you ate him the long way. Impressive. Never seen that before. That's a little joke. Humor. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical. Who's been holding up the damn elevator? Thank you, sir. Never mind. She changed your hairstyle? Speaking of. Bone smooch. Come here. Yes. No deal. I'll take case number 16. What? Where am I? Where's Regis? This isn't my floor.
This is Housewives. It's like art studios. Do you want fries with that? I love the X window.
That's the future, dude. You can give an X window now. Oh, you're a little bitch. Why are they all in swallows? Are they going to cut hair later? That's what happens when they get to play dress and makeup with that little kid's guy. Heads up. Oh, so you're going to fit an insult in while we're having fun. That's why they're all on this ship. Fun as friends right now. Oh, cool, I can do my Kirk voice again. Very serious. Oh, Spock taking a poop, I see. I brought you some TV. It's two-ply. I know how you Vulcans are. You have three anuses. True, Sky. Is that true, Sean? No, Sky innocent. Okay, I didn't think so.
Cadets of yours, how good are they? How will they respond under real pressure? As with all living things, each according to his gifts. Spock, are you smoking a hookah? Of course. The ship is yours. No, that won't be. I'd just like to look at myself in your mirror. Just get me to right to the watch. You bought it, Spencer. As a teacher, on a training mission, I am continuing to command the Enterprise. I look better. Is this a trick, man? If we were to go on actual duty, it is clear that the senior officer on board must assume command. It may be nothing. Communications. It's GM. Proceed from a false assumption. I'm a Vulcan. I have no ego to bruise. I would not remind you of that which you know so well. If I may be so bold, it was a mistake for you to accept promotion. Commanding a starship is your first best destiny. Anything else is a waste of material. Speaking of a waste of material, how about that turtleneck? In any case, were I to invoke logic,
Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I could just do it myself, right? Or should we do it? K-I-O-Z San Diego. You're my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours. Definitely superior. That is romantic. Stop energizing. Emergency situation has arisen. We have a K-Asian on board. Now raise your hand if you're him. Is there any K-Asians? No. We'll find you. Engage warp engines. Prepare for warp speed. Ready, sir. My eyes are up here, Sulu.
I certainly hope you find the queer on board, sir. We'll smoke him out, Zulu. We will? Let's start smoking about it. All right. I'll take my pants down. He'll reveal himself. What did you say, sir? I'll take my pants off and he'll reveal himself. Don't do that, sir. Here goes. Sure is taking you a long time to get your zipper. Hang on, I gotta get my life paper ready. You're fetish. Is my nipple showing? What do you think of my little brown areola? I don't want to see my nipple.
I'm chasing around the moons of Nibia and around the Antares Maelstrom and around Perdition's flames. Mark, you're overacting again. How dare you tattoo? Prepare to alter course. Space station regular one, please come in. Dr. Marcus, please respond. Come in, girl. This is Enterprise. Is this Papa's? There's no response. We want a number three. Damn it, I can't get a hold of them. Damn. What channel are Oprah on? There are two possibilities. They're unable to respond. I quit this bitch. They're unwilling to respond. How far? 12 hours, 43 minutes, present speed. Is that me, Rob? Give up Genesis. What in God's name does that mean? Give it up to who? It might help my analysis if I knew what Genesis was.
Beyond the biblical reference. Uhura, have Dr. McCoy join us. Aye, sir. Mr. Savick? You have the call. What is Genesis? I like it. Now I liked it. Well, I got sickbay ready. Now will someone please tell me what's going on? I think there should be applause every time Bones walks into the room. Security procedure. Have access to Project Genesis summary. Identify for retina scan. Admiral James T. I thought it was a rectal scan. I'm here and available for one. Security scan. Summary, please. I'm sorry, sir. I need to scan your rectum. Project Genesis. A proposal to the Federation. Carol Marcus. Why are both your hands on my shoulders? Put simply, Genesis is life from lifelessness.
It is a process whereby molecular structure is reorganized at the subatomic level into life-generating matter of equal mass. Stage one of our experiments was conducted in the laboratory. Stage two of the series will be attempted in a lifeless underground. Yeah, no kidding. Stage three will evolve the process on a planetary scale. It is our intention to introduce the Genesis device into a pre-selected area of a lifeless space body, a moon or other dead form. Yep, you fly right in there. You get a shot, and good night. Good night. Great shot, kids. Where's Wedge? Well, hello. So much better than this, Drek. Star Drek. Fascinating. I think that's how El Cajon was made. Did you see a meth lab in there? I don't think they finished it. It literally is Genesis. Power creation. Are we ready for the rectal exam? Are we going to watch the video on the mic and the mechanics now?
Too much for you guys? Over your head? It would destroy such lives in favor of its new matrix. Why are you here? The fish is in the house tonight. Not anymore. Now we can do both at the same time. According to myth, the Earth was created in six days. Now watch out. Here comes Genesis. We'll do it for you in six minutes. Really, Dr. McCoy? Anyway, about that regular exam. They will be your undoing. Logic suggests. Logic? My God, the man's talking about logic. We're talking about universal Armageddon. You green-blooded Indian. Oh, Bones, are you drunk? Admiral, sensors indicate a vessel in our area closing fast. What do you make of her? You're not pressing anything. You could make a boat.
Try the emergency channels. Let's see. There's a model spaceship coming at us. See? Anybody else scared? This one's rated NC-18. Slow to one half. Let's be fair. It's plastic and airplane glue. I'm not that scared. Impulse power. July engine R-6. This quantity. And slow. Sir, may I quote General Order 12? on the approach of any vessel when communications have not been established. Lieutenant, the admiral is well aware of the regulations. In your place like a woman. Is it possible that comm systems say it? It would explain a great many things. They're requesting communications, sir. Looks like the cast of cats. Let them eat. They're still running with shields down. Wow, he doesn't do this very often, but when he does, they're dead. Doesn't it, man?
Friend. Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge? Does he think anybody is buying that chest? Man, that's brutal. It's like a lead press-on chest. Space. This is damn peculiar. Yellow alert. Energized defense fields. This is where the nerds get erections. I'm getting a voice message. They say their chamber's coil is overloading their comm system. Spock. No, you're not. You're playing Nintendo. You're warming up a burrito. They still haven't raised their shields. Raise ours. Ah, the DK. Their shields are going up. Lock faces on target. Locking faces on target. They're locking faces. Raise shields. Fire! Getting nailed by bad special effects. I'm trying, sir. What about that?
Apparently the bugs are available in the future. What is that, the future Hannibal Lecter? Damage report. They knew exactly where to hit us. And why? One thing is certain. We cannot escape when it's a very power. Visual. Zulu, divert all power to phasers. Too late. There's a red dot coming at us. All their equipment looks like edges, sketches. New shots! Can you give me a wet nap? I think it's on his chest. That's how I used to watch porn. Those wiggly lines back then. Look, there's a nipple on the back. The keyboard player? I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral.
I've deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your... Because I wanted you to know first who it was who had beaten you. If you're from outer space, why do you have a South American accent? I'll have myself beamed aboard. Spare my crew. I make you a counterproposal. I'll agree to your terms if. If. You answer Boston Red Sox trivia. You hand over to me all data and material regarding the project called Genesis. Genesis, what's that? Don't insult my intelligence. How bad do you feel, Colin? Give me some time. There it is again, everybody. I love it. I give you... Colin! Thank you. Look, it's a keyboard player for heart. Take the bridge. This would be the moment when Kate Sawyer... At least you know he doesn't have Genesis. And it would be romantic and awesome. Most inappropriate time. Sometimes love is inappropriate. Yes, that is true. All they did was burn the outside a little bit. We're finding it. Boston Rob's car looks worse. Please, you've got to give us time.
The bridge has smashed, the computer's in office. Admiral Kirk, I know this may not be the best time, but... I don't want a rectal exam. How about that rectal exam? Get out of me. My time, Mikey Show, hello. You might want to take those Ben Franklin spectacles off for five minutes and... Yeah, I can count English as a second language. God, how do we know you'll keep your word? Oh, I've given you no word to keep her. In my judgment, you simply have no alternative. I can just keep showing you my teeth all night long.
Standby to receive our transmission. Wax or shave your chest. I must know before I die. Phasers locked. Time's up. You're so screwed. Our shields are dropping. Raise them. I can't. I can't. The override. Not the sunroof. Great. P1 Detail just finished it. What about your tiger? Beastmaster. Yeah, we're Siegfried. Wait, she's not going anywhere. Sir, you did it. I did nothing. Hey, Sean, is this the one when the whales show up? Stupid. Apparently a great white show broke out. Took a couple seconds, but that's all right. Laser hair treatment is not the option right now.
They got gaydar from the office. I know you fellas are busy in here right now, but... Oh, don't... Do it for Johnny, man. Do it for Johnny. Warp speed. Yeah, where's Pony, man? Where's Pony Boy? Be happy about that. Not that stain, you mean? Yep. He stayed at his post when the trainees ran. Admiral, this is Spock. Oh, stupid. Yes, Spock. Engine room reports auxiliary power restored. What is the fake potato now? Best speed, regular one. I'm sorry, Scotty. Approaching regular at Space Lab, regular one. Space Station, regular one. This is the Starship Enterprise. Please come in. Is that Oprah in the future? Space Station, regular one. Do you read? She's everywhere. I have my heart. Everybody gets a free Enterprise. Space Station, regular one. This is Enterprise. Please acknowledge. This is Enterprise. Do you read me?
Loud and clear. You better answer. Please come in. There's no response, sir. We are out of grape soda. Oh. Whoa. Shocking. Shocked off. Shocked off. Shocked off. Looks like it sets out of the month. I wasn't mad with you guys. Engineering. Mr. Scott, do you have enough power for transporters? A con could be down there. I'll go with you. No, I'd be dispreting the Admiral's pardon. General Order 15. No flag officer shall beam into a hazardous area without armed escort.
All right, join the party. Oh, you want to be. Jim, be careful. We will. Oh, jealous. Well, hello. Jealous. Really need to put the winter clothes on? Indeterminate night. Chilly in there? Right. I'm setting mine to boogie. Move out. I prefer Ellen. So do I. Okay. They're still there in space. Boy, he should turn around. I'm telling you, it's not going to be good. Good thing he has that target on his back. And there it is. Whoa, what's that? Well, Riga hasn't set in. This couldn't have happened too long ago, Jim. Riga? Enterprise calling Spacelab Regular One. Respond, please. Did one of you guys just call me a Riga? This is no time to be playing Atari. See? Don't get mad that you got hit.
This is Lieutenant Savick. We're all right. Please stand by. Talk to the hand. Oh, sir. Oh, you know you didn't, cracker. It was gone. We found him on City Alpha Fire. He put creatures in our bodies to control our minds. Was it Sulu? It wasn't me. He made us say lies. What did you put in Chekhov's body? But we made him. Nothing, but I didn't inspect his ass. What about the black guy? What? What about the black guy? I inspected his to. Where are the Genesis materials? He couldn't find them. Even the data packs were arranged. Hey, Sean, stop that right now. But none of them would tell him anything. He went wild. He slit their throats. He wanted to tear the place apart. O.J.?
But he was late. He had to get back to Reliant in time to blow you to bits. Where's Reliant's crew? I told him how to get away with it. They're out of here. They're in the USS Bronco right now. That's right. I know what he blames me for. That's AC driving the thing. Slow down to 405. Escape pods are all in place. Where's the transporter room? Make it down here. That's not my impression. He spent most of his time trying to... No, your impression is a bad Russian. Yakov Smirnoff. The unit's been left on, which means nobody remained to turn it off. Those people back there bought escape time for Genesis with their lives. This is not logical. These coordinates are deep inside regular. Oh, what was that? Who is this regular gentleman you speak of? Stage two was complete. It was going to be underground. It was going to be underground, she said. Stage two of what?
Kirk Enterprise. Verizon. Can you hear me now? Captain Spock, damage report. If we go by the book, like Lieutenant Savick. Spock, you're not in my five friends' network. I'll read you, Captain. Take this quick. The situation is great. We won't have main power for six days. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot. It's midnight Saturday. I get three weekends. Restoration may be possible. We're good. In two days. By the book, Admiral. Meaning you can't even beam us back? Not at present. Captain Spock, if you don't hear from us within one hour, your orders are to restore what power you can. Take the Enterprise to the nearest starbase and alert Starfleet Command as soon as you're out of jamming range. Sir, we won't leave you behind. Uhura, if you don't hear from us, there won't be... Girl, I want to get to jamming range. Well, gentlemen, you can stay here, or... It's all the same, Admiral. We'd like to share the risk. Y'all, is Sky still here? Where are we going?
Where they went. Where no bad is God before. Then this will be your big chance to get away from it all. I keep begging for someone to let me give a rectum exam. Dude. Well, Sean, I don't know that that was awesome. So incredible, dude. The jackets? Come on, man. Nightcrawler's way better than that. Genesis. Oh. That is one hell of a plug. Phase us down! You. Where's Dr. Marcus? I'm Dr. Marcus. Jim! Is that the greatest American hero? Believe it or not, I'm walking in space. Is that David? Mother. He killed everybody we left behind here. Of course he didn't. David, you're just making this harder.
I'm afraid it's even harder than you think, Doctor. Oh, snap! Hello. Where's the shaft theme? Your Excellency, have you been listening? I have indeed. Mute, you son of a bitch. He had his phaser set to bad effects. You have requirements to beam up Genesis. First things... Did you get the Aquanet? Kill him. If they have a crimper. Oh, no. It is... That's definitely a real ear. It's a big plastic ear. Oh, nice shot. Right on the money, it's hard to do.
Here goes. Son of a bitch. Oh, here we go. But you don't have me. You are going to kill me, Khan. You're going to have to come down here. You're going to have to come down here. I've done far worse. And I wish to go on. Me too. Okay. So... I shall leave you as you can. Echo. Echo that bitch. Oh, yes. Lieutenant Savick calling Enterprise. Can you read us? Thank you, Mr. Subo. Um... This is Lieutenant Savick calling Enterprise. Can you read us? He's coming around. Huh? Can you read us?
Yeah, my dad used to have that one. It's no use, Admiral. There's still general channels. If Enterprise followed orders, she's long since gone. If she couldn't obey, she's finished. So are we, it looks like. I don't understand. Who's responsible for all this? Who is calm? It's a long story. We appear to have plenty of time. Don't you have to get your hair done? Is there anything to eat? I don't know about anybody else, but I'm... How can you think of food at a time like this? First order of business. I plan on getting fat in my later years. There's food in the Genesis cave. What about you, Christy Alley? Enough to last a lifetime, if necessary. We thought this was Genesis. This? This isn't even Huey Lewis in the news. Oh, yes. Great one. Great one. See, people? What we did in there, we did in a day. David, why don't you show Dr. McCoy and the lieutenant our idea of food?
We can't just sit here. This is just to give us something to do, isn't it? Come on. We know what this is going to be about. Admiral? As your teacher, Mr. Spock, is fond of saying, I like to think that there always are possibilities. Now that we're alone, did you fart? I did what you wanted. I stayed away. Were we together? Were we going to be? You had your world. I boned a green woman. And I had mine. And I wanted to be mine. Not chasing through the universe with his father. Once you've gone green. Actually, he's a lot like you. In many ways. Bad actor? No. Please tell me what you're feeling. There's a man out there I haven't seen in 15 years. O.J. Simpson. You show me his son, I'd be happy to help him. He's a Heisman Trophy winner. Since you're sitting down. Mess with Chekhov, he's out of it. Do you know where he is? He's lying right there.
Jacob! Let me show you something. Young. Opposite. A beach car is there. You did all this in a day. I told you I sold the beach car. The Matrix formed in a day. The life forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate. The future side of a Starbucks. This is incredible. Have you ever seen the light? Night cook. Good looking. Where is she? May I ask you a question? What's on your mind, Lieutenant? The Kobayashi Maru, sir. Are you asking me if we're playing out that scenario now? Yeah, skinny Jap, he eats hot dogs. 56 is the record. Right. You'll never beat it. Dip it in water. We'll try it. Maybe it'll help. I don't know. I'm white. How? Go talk to the gay Jap. He said he was gay. Why gay?
Oh, that way. Just because the guy eats hot dogs. 56 at a time. The long way. The long way. Did someone say hot dog eating? Just give us your coordinates and we'll beam you aboard. All right. You of all people go by the book. You know Dr. Marcus? Why, of course. By the book? By the book. Regulation 36A. If transmissions are being monitored during battle. No un-coded messages on an open channel. Did he mention the book was a cat in a hat? I exaggerated. Hours instead of days. Now we have minutes instead of hours. Operative low sea deck. What is we're here on? Not much, Admiral. We have partial main power. That's it? Best we could do in two hours. Plastic planets. Battle stations. Buried the jet. I better not stand here. Uh-oh.
Are we green or red? Sir, it appears there are tiny sperms swimming around the planet. Discharge? Sauce for the goose, Mr. Savick. The odds will be even. Ready, Claymates? Right behind you with a vacuum. This is where they're putting the coke. That's the black magnum. What? The black magnum. You know what I'm talking about. Look, there's his surgery scar. That's where he got his implants. What did you just say? I said it's his real chest.
A lot of people have asked about it and the director confirmed it was his real chest. How would you know that? I heard it from the director's mouth. How? I kissed it. Oh, I don't know. It's a little something called DVD extras. Wow. Nebula penetration? Well, hello. Where's Bones? Bones smooch. Bones. They go in there, we'll lose them. Explain it to them. Eddie, another red dot flying towards it. But no cigar. They shot that one right up our shaft. Nice tennis sweater. Why are we slowing? Hey, Biff. Get off the bridge. Hey, let's get physical. They are reducing speed. I said, you're on, Admiral. This is Admiral Kirk. We tried it once your way, Con. Now you came for a rematch.
At least I have to dye my eyebrows. I'm laughing at the superior intellect. Had their sugar in Leonard all over again. No, sir! You have Genesis! You can have whatever you... Oh! Can't find good health these days. I'll say this for him. He's consistent. We are now entering the Mutara Nebula. What? The emergency lights. What's that, Sean? A lava lamp? What is this? I have a little-known fact for you. Go ahead. In 1945, Ricardo Montalban sustained a pretty decent injury to his back and right leg. It later became something called spinal bifida. And as a result, he had a limp and still has a limp. Rest. That's George the guy. Yes, you're thinking of the wrong person. And he was able to conceal it even though he was performing and dancing on Broadway.
Are you done? Excuse me. This is the longest fact of all time. Excuse me. And when they did this movie, the director told him to go ahead and use the limp as part of the character. As a fellow nerd man. And you have a job. This is the most uncomfortable chair I've ever sat in on. I didn't pass gas. It's my natural aroma. It's my breath. Don't make me explain. Do the math. Connect the dots. What is with that tennis sweater in the background? There was actually some controversy about the utilization of the sweater. Oh, come on, Sean. I'm being serious. Nice little twist there in the chair, right? Damn it, that is bad luck.
That is bad luck. Dammit, Mr. Scott. Pulled my back again, like Sean said. Admiral. I've got to take the manes off the line. It's radiation. Oh, no. Scotty. I'm a hammer. You are human. What are you talking about? Yours is superior. You're a maniac. Maniac. I shall avenge you. Could you use another hand, Admiral? Yeah. It was a total spot. Or what?
Little knick-knacks. Paddywhacks. Slurp me. Give a man a bones. I've been working on the railroad. It's like human chess, eh, Sean? It's not so defeated, bro. We got another stupid movie to watch. Good thing it's a long one. I'm going to go home for that. Hey, it's almost time for another Rob joke. It hasn't been two hours. Oh, you're right. Sure. I can't wait for it, though. It's coming. Every little thing she does is magic. Everything she does just turns beyond. Why are you doing solo singing? Oh, I like to sing while I work. Really weird. Really weird.
That's the year of music I enjoyed the most. Hey, Sean, are you going to be okay when Spock dies? Oh, I didn't ruin it for anybody today. Hold me from the room in your hotel for romance. Will you knock it off? Send to Commander Reliant. It's Phil Collins and Marilyn McCoo. Okay. Commander Reliant, this is Enterprise. I said we do a drive-by. Enterprise to Reliant. You are ordered to surrender your vessel. Respond. You better answer me, pendejo. I'm walking on sunshine. Whoa. So, Sean, when Spock goes in the radiation room and dies... You are ordered to surrender your vessel. Respond. Like, what are your feelings? Oh, you didn't know that, Quimby? Spock dies. Sorry.
Walk like an Egyptian. No, the game's not over. Oh, Michael J. F... Let's get the martini shaker out. What is this, Sean? What's he doing? He's activating the Genesis device right now. All right, Phil Collins is coming up soon. Should have waited, Rob. I was just really hoping for him to come out. Yeah. It's going to count down from 999? What's the point of that? Going to be here for a while, guys. Strap yourselves in. Here goes Spock. He's about ready to walk to die. Okay! Is the Genesis device fired up yet? Yes. Shoo, shoo, studio. Oh. Inaccurate, Mike. That's just still calling solo. Sorry about that. Scotty.
I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead. Yeah, well, I need a toilet made a solid goal, but it's just not in the guards, is it? Scotty, get us out of here. Best possible speed. Now you're going to see that guy. Dead man walking. Everybody knows he dies, right? Not ruining it for anyone. Well, I didn't. Oh, crap. Oh, my gosh. I feel awful. It's really sad, Skye. You'll see. Here he goes. It's heroic. Reminiscent of 9-11 firefighters. I think it's... Too soon. Really? It's been six years, still too soon. Really? 9-11 not funny yet? You're kidding. Oh, man. I know something that'll make it better. Are you out of your often mind? If I could turn back time. Stop it. If I could find a way. You're not going in there. Oh, really? Perhaps you're right. What is Mr. Scott's condition?
I don't think that he... Good night. I'm sorry, Doctor. Good night, sweet prince. Remember. He just got a boner. And dead guy. Dead Vulcan walking. He's already dead. He's basically sitting in the microwave. It's like one of Sky's cats. What the F does that mean? Oh, you'll find that later. Engine room. What's happening? Hey, you don't talk about Tango and Logan. Ow! It's like midnight. What are you doing? Don't you have a family? I bet I know what he's saying right about now. What's that? Take me home tonight. I don't want to let you go to see the light. You know, it's just like Ronnie said. Be my little baby. God.
Distance from Orlando. 4,000 kilometers. We're not going to make it, are we? Not unless Spock dies. The river's after the river? Yeah. That's a bad skin feel. Sir, the mains are back on line. Go, Sue! I am it. Light speed is better than warp speed. There's never been a light tour. What is it? Light speed is not better than warp speed. Well, there's been a warp tour. Yes, it is. Actually, it is. Since we're talking about our real feelings, you know I can't fight this feeling anymore. Are you going to do this for the rest of the movie? Yeah, I'll even be doing this during the Wizard of Oz. No, you will not. Yes, I will. Oh, yes. Opposite. George Takei will follow us to the Wizard of Oz. No. Well done, Scotty.
Jim. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow. Follow the yellow brick road. Okay. Sonic, take the car. Exercise him. Somebody just told him there was an adornment around the corner. Sorry, guys. He's dead. He's dead already. You fart face. Sky, you want to put your head in my lap? Oh, wait, wait, Eddie. I'm comforting her. I'm comforting her. Yeah, but how does that comfort somebody by putting it in your lap? I think the saying is on my shoulder. Yeah, like you want to put your head on my shoulder. Yeah, I think that's how it goes. Put your head in my lap. My parents were weird. Oh, too far. See, you should have stopped just one. Yeah, right back there is where you should have. Good night now. Always the gentleman. Nice Mickey Mouse gloves, though. Yeah. Don't work.
Oh, watch out. Oh, I saw a bird do that the other day. Wow. This guy's that skin condition look familiar. Second degree. Yes. Out of danger. Mike. Yes. Don't worry. I've already called my mom to come pick me up. Don't breathe. He isn't crying. It's logical. You got to get a little steroid cream for that. I understand. He doesn't have tear duct, Sean. No, he doesn't. He does. He just controls. That means there's a few. Or the one. I call it a Kaiser Blade. You don't like the workouts. Speaking of, he should have taken some in there with him. My solution. I already. I have been. But we shall be. Your friend. Speaking of friends. Vagina. Yes. This means. Vagina. Vagina forever. I can appreciate that.
Well, you told us all about it like 10 minutes ago. Really broken up. Oh, gosh. Is that the Dharma Initiative? We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honored death. And yet it should be noted that in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadows. The sunrise of a new world. A world that our beloved comrade gave his life. hello apparently the salon was still open he did not feel the sacrifice of aid and go get your funeral hair and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings it's like they both went to the same place of my friend i can only say this he's gonna be typecast of all the souls i have encountered in my travels his was the most oh there buddy human it's the turtleneck talk
And he also happens to just know how to play Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. Duh. Turns out it's Jonathan Davis. So reminiscent when Han was frozen in the carbonite. Boba Fett took one. Reminiscent. And going, and going. Leia said, I love you, and he goes, I know. Remember that? Awesome. Tells Chewie, take care of her. He goes, so cool. Anyway. Yeah, a little Chewie. Stop talking about. I really do need to call Dr. Karnaki. Rob, could you stop crying? It's making me uncomfortable. You want a Kleenex? Here. I'm going to need one. Sulu? Damn it. I don't mean to intrude.
No, not at all. I should be on the bridge. I was just about to take a bath. Can I talk to you for a minute? Would you like to join me? I poured myself a drink. Would you like it? There's room for two. I'm wearing my grandfather's loafers. Please, sir. You never have faced death. Do you know what a two-fisted massage is? I'll take the tops and tails. How was for you, Sean? I haven't faced death. Do you know the term bringing the water to the village? I tricked my way out of death. On the back for my ingenuity. Mommy-like? Have you ever fed an anteater? I know nothing. You knew enough to tell Savick that how he faced death is at least as important as how he faced life. Good words. That's where ideas begin. Maybe you should listen to them. Maybe you should get a toupee like me. I was wrong about you. Yours is bad. And I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get to know you. I picture old... And also...
Old-school rap R&B, current R&B. Yes, like Magic 93.5. That's right. Hey, do you like Jagger and Christy? Oh, really? Me neither. Why are they on that station? Makes no sense. They're both white. As could be. Why are they on? Another good point. Let's kiss. Oh, I'm so embarrassed I went in for the smooch. I hate that. Awkward. Stardate 8141.6. Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to KIOZ. San Diego. Stardate 105.3. Well done. Thanks. Such a rip-off. Empire at the end. And they're all looking at life from death. Such a rip-off. When they're looking at the window. Luke here. Dark oil painting.
Rip off, Sean. You'll never be better than the best. It's a far out question. I thought you forgot about it. Shouldn't you guys be flying the plane? You okay, Jim? How do you feel? Like I ate too many snack wells. Christy, you're gonna swing. Good job. The movie. The end. because he gets to see Spock and he's going to have life again. See, he's not really dead. I fooled you guys. Wait a minute. See, he went on to Genesis, the planet where they gave him life. It's crazy. See, this looks a lot like Endor, I know you guys are thinking. Oh, yeah. Another ripoff. That's what I'm talking about. Big El Kahuna. Ending to a movie ever. Shut up.
Shut up! These are the continuing voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Explore strange new worlds to seek out new forms, new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. Dramatic. What are the books? Very well done. Very well done.