The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 01/11/11
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
political rhetoricpop musiccollege footballdating and sexmarriage proposalsstrange medical storiesaccessible parkingtechnology anxietylazy housekeepingfake documentariesmovie logicfilm directing
Mikey, Woods, Lauren O'Brien, Sienna, and Jay turned the Tucson shooting into a pointed debate over whether Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, or Glenn Beck deserved any blame, while Mikey argued that Jared Loffner's instability ended the inquiry. They predicted Britney Spears' "Hold It Against Me" would revive 1990s techno and recapped Cam Newton and Auburn's last-second championship win. During Ask the Dudes, they argued with Sarah over how long to wait before sex and warned Michaela not to propose after callers described resentment and rejection. Later, Woods' admission that he parks in accessible spaces triggered the day's sharpest moral argument and a blind caller's rebuke, while Winona Ryder's fear of the internet and Wang Young Fun's horn inspired surreal riffs. They finished by confessing lazy housekeeping, debating Catfish, shredding Cast Away's Wilson scene, and hearing Mikey describe the script notes and perfectionism he would bring to directing.
What happened, in order
Blame After Tucson
The hosts covered Jared Loffner's attack on Gabriel Giffords and argued over whether rhetoric from Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, or Glenn Beck bore any responsibility.
Britney Brings Back the 90s
After premiering Britney Spears' "Hold It Against Me," Mikey predicted its techno sound would become a smash and restart a wider 1990s revival.
Auburn Wins at the Wire
Woods relived Auburn's last-second national championship win over Oregon and praised Cam Newton, Nick Fairley, and game-winning kicker Wes Byram.
The Dating Countdown
Caller Sarah asked how many dates she should wait before sex, prompting answers from three to six dates and Mikey's argument that waiting much longer would make her more desirable to a serious partner.
Should She Propose?
Michaela considered proposing to her boyfriend of five years, but the hosts and callers warned that doing so could steal a moment he wanted or end in rejection.
The Three-Inch Horn
Sienna's report about Wang Young Fun's forehead horn became an extended improvised doctor scene and a parade of jokes about other reported human horns.
Woods Takes the Accessible Spot
Woods admitted parking in accessible spaces for quick errands, defended himself against the furious panel, and finally promised to stop after a blind caller explained the real harm.
Winona Fears the Internet
Winona Ryder said she avoided computers because browsing frightened her, and the hosts spun her unease into an elaborate gothic-horror character sketch.
Spectacularly Lazy Chores
The cast confessed to hiding dishes and clothes, rerunning a loaded dishwasher, faking vacuum tracks by hand, and mopping with toilet water.
Is Catfish Real?
The panel fought over whether Catfish was a genuine documentary and whether a deliberately fake documentary can still be good once the trick is known.
Pick Apart Wilson
In their new "Pick It Apart" game, the cast dismantled Cast Away's Wilson scene by questioning the volleyball's perfect face, Tom's risky rescue attempt, and the movie's emotional music.
Mikey Directs a Movie
After receiving a Hollywood script for feedback, Mikey described the documentary-like realism and obsessive detail he would demand if he ever directed a drama.
People mentioned
MikeyWoodsLauren O'BrienSiennaJayJared LoffnerGabriel GiffordsSarah PalinBarbara WaltersRush LimbaughBill MaherGlenn BeckBritney SpearsCam Newton
31,881 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
You like animal crackers, Woods? They're okay. I love them. I'm not, you know, I can go either way. I don't think about them. It's like vanilla wafers. I don't think about them. They're good, though. You know what's good? Cheesecake. Yeah, I'd prefer a cookie. I would not. For sure. Welcome to the show. We're going to talk about the national championship. We're going to be talking about Jerry Brown getting in there and... Trying to do stuff with the state already. We're going to be talking about huge news for cell phone people. It doesn't matter who you use. It doesn't matter if you're AT&T, Verizon, T-Mobile, Sprint. It doesn't matter what you use. This will be big to you. It will affect you. A new Britney Spears song leaked out on the web. Yeah. I haven't listened to the entire team. thing because I wanted to listen to it on the air. I haven't heard a second of it, so I'm interested to see what she sounds like. Do I have to listen? Yeah. I do. Not only will you listen, but you'll most likely like it, Taylor Swift lover. Taylor Swift's a talented musician. Woods just winked at me because he's trying to get under my skin. Katy Perry lover. Hey, nothing wrong with her. You seen those jugs? Oh, is that why you like it? Britney Spears doesn't have... She's haggard. Oh, please. Oh, yeah. If you walked in here, you'd be...
I think it's because maybe you like to sing along. No, I don't know the words to any Britney Spears song. You know what? Change your mind like a girl changes clothes. Oh, boy. That is great. I like that song, LLB. That is a great point, LLB. You know, Woods, she's weak. She's over, man. It's over for Britney Spears. I think LLB's got a point. She's over. You change your mind like a girl. Change his clothes. Both the guys. That's a jam. I didn't even catch that. She's so hot, too. She's so hot. Katy Perry. She has a phenomenal body. Yes, she does. I watched her E! True Hollywood story over the weekend. She's incredible. I have a better body than she does. No, she really looks good. She looks real good. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of Sean Forty. Woodsy is our sports guy. He's 35. L.O.B. is our news girl. She's 30. She's our news girl? No. I didn't even catch that. Sienna's like, uh. Really? I'm pretty sure I was doing the news. I used to do that all the time. I used to do that all the time. Thank you. L.O.B. is our assistant producer. You've got to do the news. Sienna's our news girl. That's Jay. He's the host of the show. Jay is our producer. He's 37. And our phone screener today is Grodd. It's Grodd. It's Grodd.
We're going to do Ask the Dudes at 7. Ask me, Jay, and Woods a question, ladies only. And be prepared for the treats. And then at 8 o'clock, we're going to be talking about stuff that you do. And you know it ain't right. You park there. You do this. You do that. You know it's not right, but you do it. It should be funny. Word of the day is cashew. When you hear me say cashew. Oh, boy. Matt, listen to this. This is what you got today for Word of the Day. Today, Word of the Day will be good for dinner for two at my favorite restaurant on planet Earth, Pample Moose Grill. Oh, wow. Yeah. On January 17th. That's when it's for. Six o'clock reservation. You're in charge of alcohol and gratuity. Okay? Perfect. Yeah. So you got to pick up alcohol and gratuity and...
Pample Moose gets the rest. That's word of the day today. Also, word of the day today, a $50 gift certificate to the 2011 Ski and Snowboard Mega Sale at the Del Mar Fairgrounds. And it puts you in the drawing for Friday's big deal, which is a $250 gift card for that event. So, good stuff. Yeah, yeah. Let's see. Man, the national championship was last night. We'll talk about that in just a second. One of the things that they did as the national championship was beginning was a moment of silence for the shooting that happened in Arizona. And you know what observation I made about it was there were no clowns. Good. During moments of silence at big games, there's always drunk clowns. There wasn't any. I thought that was really good. But the shooter is still.
Still. dominating the headlines. Oh yeah, he's absolutely everywhere. His picture is all over. Now, if you haven't seen him, I mean, you probably saw pictures of him on the news over the weekend and he had really curly long hair. There's some pictures of him with short, a buzzed head. Now he's completely bald and like beat up looking because he got tackled to the ground on Saturday outside of the Safeway and he just looks scary. You saw the picture this morning. Yeah, it does. His head's shaved. Yeah, he's smirking too. And he just looks evil i mean he's getting what he wanted you know constant coverage and that's what he wanted well his name is jared loffner and yesterday he was in federal court in phoenix um for you know obviously hearing on all the charges of the attempted to assassinate the democratic representative gabriel giffords who is doing okay yesterday in the hospital she actually gave the doctors a thumbs up great after after being shot i mean through the head point blank
Threw her temple out the forehead. With a nine millimeter pistol. Yes. Yes. So, you know, six people died, 14 people injured. Just a crazy crime. And Jared said one word in court yesterday, and that was yes, after the judge told him, do you understand that you could get life in prison or a death penalty for what you've done? And he said yes. And, oh, gosh, it just creeps me out. Obama and the first lady yesterday led a national moment of silence. Just just a huge story. Obama announced that he's going to be speaking at the Tucson Memorial Service, which is going to be tomorrow. And it's open to the public. You know, as I look at what is being said, some of the stuff really makes me hurt, sad and fearful. Some of the stuff that makes me angry is the the opportunistic stuff. For instance, Barbara Walters. yesterday on The View. In the press, as of late, there's been a ton of criticism over the, was it Facebook page of Sarah Palin, when she had the crosshairs over different districts, and she said something like, don't something reload. Well, that's a different thing. This was an ad that she had with the crosshairs about who you should vote for or not, but she also, what you're talking about is she tweeted at one point,
conservatives and so on. She said, don't retreat. Instead, reload. I'm feeling bad for Sarah Palin because I don't think that's what she should have said. And certainly crosshairs are very scary. This is a deranged young man. This is a Timothy McVeigh. Whether this happened because there is violence. You know, too much commentary, too much violence, as you say, we've talked about. Sometimes we do it here, we get so angry. Whether that really spit him on or whether he's just a very sick person, we don't know. And we don't know what his motives are. And we can hope that all the vitriol calms down. But to blame Sarah Palin, as some are doing, I think it's very unfair to her. You know what? Shame on me for not listening to that clip before I played it. Because I didn't. I just read what the clip was. And I'm actually, I think what she said was really refreshing, especially coming from a real liberal chick, Barbara Walters, defending Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin should not be doing stuff where she's putting people in, even to make light of or whatever, when she puts people in crosshairs to appeal to the...
Right wing NRA people like me. Right. I'm a right wing NRA guy. I'm a conservative. I believe in gun rights. I believe in people's right to bear arms. I believe in the Second Amendment. But don't pander to me, Sarah, by putting crosshairs on stuff because you only give ammunition to people after stuff like this. But then it's like. Can she say anything? Yeah, she can say that she's for gun rights. Well, yeah, I mean. But don't make these smirky little ads for yourself that say, we're going to put them in the crosshairs. All you do is you give yourself, you give, you give. ammo to the other side to make you look like a whack job, man. I think she just realizes that they're going to make fun of her no matter what she says. I agree with you. I mean, she shouldn't do that. But I think no matter what, people are just going to go after her. I think she's addicted to the spotlight and the attention that she gets, whether it be good or bad. It's almost like, hey, any press, good press. Well, I think that Sarah Palin is trying to put herself out there as the extraordinarily conservative candidate.
We get it. You are. I just don't think you're qualified as a candidate. She wants to be talked about by putting stuff like that up. I've been watching her show, Alaska. Oh, boy. You have? I like it. I heard it's not going to be on anymore. No, it was just supposed to be a short season, but I watched almost every episode. I'm telling you, I'm not in love with Sarah Palin. I agree, she says things that are ridiculous. But after watching that show, I mean... You like it? I like her more. Oh, wow. I do. No. Okay. Am I allowed to have my opinion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to hear it. Is that okay? Yes. Sorry. So I do. And they went camping. And it showed her. I mean, she knew a lot about guns. And it showed her, you know, when you go camping in Alaska, you need to have a gun because there's bears everywhere. Right. And she, I mean, she knew what she was doing. And I don't know. She should run our country for sure. No. No, she should not. It's an infomercial for her. You found her more likable. I did. And the things that she says after watching her show, I kind of agree with. I think that she knows more about what... I'm having a hard time just... No, I know what... Hang on. I'm having a hard time... And I know what you're saying. I think that you found her more likable, which, by the way, I think is an okay thing. If I watched it, I'd probably find her more likable, too. Here's the deal. My problem with Sarah Palin is I have the same feeling about Sarah Palin that I had about Barack Obama. Attractive.
Well spoken. Yeah, you're right. Really? You're right. She puts her foot in her mouth all the time. See, the deal with her was that she was supposed to be very likable because she was down to earth. Yes. Okay? Yes. But there's nothing about Sarah Palin that makes me think that she has the experience or the wherewithal to run the country. Same feeling I had with Barack Obama. And we're now reaping that. We're now seeing that Barack Obama was the American idol. But yet you voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I did. So I'm like. I did. And the reason that I voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger is because he had some real good ideas about how to rejuvenate the state of California. And lesser of two evils. Yeah. And I'm trying. You know what, dude? I don't remember. I don't remember about the time. Right. But I remember that I was into politics and that I didn't make that vote because he was in movies. Right. I just did it. What a great opportunity for a political candidate to go on and do a reality show that is...
staged and put together to make her look. That's the thing. Even I would watch it and be like, she's not bad. She's a good mom. We all know she's a good mom and probably a good wife. You're a mom, you're a wife. It's probably something you can get behind. I agree with Mike that I don't want her running the show. And neither do I. After watching it, I feel bad for her. She's not as bad. I don't know. The sheriff of Pima County where this happened in Tucson, he is he's really going after conservative talk show hosts, specifically Limbaugh. The kind of rhetoric that flows from people like Rush Limbaugh, in my judgment, he's irresponsible, uses partial information, sometimes wrong information, attacks people, angers them against government. Angers them against elected officials. And that kind of behavior, in my opinion, is not without consequences. And I think he's irresponsible. That's fair to say. You're allowed to say it. Just like Rush is allowed to say it. You know, you're both allowed to say it. And make no mistake about it. This dude did what he did because he's crazy. He's crazy. He's a nut. The question being asked, is it right to link it to this horrible incident?
Well, that's my opinion. People can have their own opinions. The listeners, the viewers can can judge for themselves. This guy really thinks Rush Limbaugh was the reason this guy shot this woman in the head and killed people. People have used, you know, a multitude of different things for to mask the fact that they are, in fact. deranged, crazy murderers. They've used religion. God told me to do it, or the devil told me to do it. They've used politics. I'm doing this for the good of the party. Music. I mean, gosh, they've had those trials back in the 80s. Kids killing themselves. These people are unstable. Well, they use it to validate the already obsessive thoughts that they have. Exactly. Bill Maher on Anderson Cooper 360. Is it fair at this point? I mean, obviously, there's been a lot of soul searching, a lot of finger pointing at this point. Is it fair to be placing blame at the feet of anyone other than the shooter at this point? Yeah. I mean, not direct. No, this guy was clearly a nut. I mean, a schizophrenic, a paranoid. I don't know. I'm not a psychologist. Well, then why'd you say that? Nut would be the layman's term. But it's also clear that he was very anti-government. I mean, if you read.
Some of the stuff that we have that we know he wrote, I mean, it's sprinkled with things. Bro, Bill, doesn't the conversation end at he's a nut? Right. Doesn't the conversation stop at he's a nut? And I don't care if he's a liberal nut or a conservative nut. He's a cashew, bro. He's a nut. He's a nut. Something's not right. Yep. Anti-government ideas. treason, tyranny, the gold, get back to the gold standard, that kind of stuff that seems like, you know, I don't know who else but Glenn Beck talks about that. I'm not saying he was specifically listening to Mr. Beck or anybody else. But Glenn Beck is also a little nutty. Isn't that exactly what you're saying? You know, I mean, this Jared guy's chalkboard in his basement. I'm not sure it wouldn't look that different than Glenn Beck's joke. Really? I thought you weren't a psychologist. Yes. Oh, my God. I thought you weren't a psychologist. Isn't that, Bill, exactly what you're saying? He couldn't have heard it anywhere but Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck's the only one I know that talks that way. But I'm not saying it was Glenn Beck's fault.
Aren't I? Yeah. I'm just saying. Birds of a feather. Yes, exactly. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I guess. I'm just saying that their basement has the same chalkboard. Yes, exactly. Tree in the woods. Their manifestos are very similar. Right. Oh, man. Let's see. Who uses a chalkboard anyway? It's a dry erase. Besides me and Jasper. M1 cave dweller from Wisconsin. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Good morning. I'm hogging. Well, kind of a heady conversation to start off. I was going to start off a little bit lighter. Can I suggest that maybe we put a small moratorium on the sappy stuff? Because between the sappy stuff and the funny stuff, people around me think I'm schizophrenic. You're laughing and crying at the same time. You mean on the Mikey show? Yeah, just headphones in. Listening to the Mikey show and just randomly alternating between laughing and crying in the middle of the room. Did Bill Maher tell you that you were schizophrenic? That's right. It's Bill Maher's assessment of you. The chalkboard in my basement is getting very full. That's right. Thank you. Thanks, Cave Dweller. We love you. Thanks, man. M1 Sandra from Chula Vista. What was the word of the day? Choo. God bless you. Well done.
Very well done. Nice and early today. There it is. Thank you. Hang on the line. You are going to Pample Moose next week, and you also got a $50 gift certificate to the 2011 Ski and Snowboard Mega Sale and are qualified for a $250 gift card to that same event. Hang on, okay? Let's see. Ask the dudes at 7. What do we do that we know is wrong at 8? So Jerry Brown is now the new governor of California. Yes, he is. L.O.B. said that she's heard out there a little bit that there's already controversy with this cat. Yeah, well, he announced his spending plan yesterday. And one of the biggest things affecting a lot of people is... Well, there's a few things. One of them is local colleges could get a lot more difficult to attend universities and stuff, just raising prices left and right. The governor's plan calls for $12.5 billion in spending cuts, including reductions in the provision of welfare, social services, and higher education, like I said, college, as well as $12 billion in funding shifts and new revenue if voters...
approve the tax extensions. He said the new proposal for the coming fiscal year will begin July 1st. Fees at community college will increase, like I said. I mean, it's just... So what do you think that will look like? People won't go to school? It's going to be a lot harder. It's going to be a lot harder. More loans. More loans. More money. Colleges in California will lose roughly $400 million in funding. It's awesome. Awesome. We should raise the... the standard of living here, the cost of living. Because it's just not quite high enough yet. It's so cheap, I know. Gosh. Another thing, visits to doctor's offices of the state's Medi-Cal health insurance program would be limited to 10 per year under this new proposal. 10 visits to the doctor. Or what? Or they should. You go to jail. You go to jail. No, or else you pay for it. You pay. Like really pay. What if you don't have insurance? What would it cost you to walk into a general practitioner and get a checkup? 200 bucks. Really? About 200 bucks. Well, it depends. Do you need x-rays? Are they going to take blood? It all adds up. Prescriptions. Hey, so here's a big thing. No matter who your wireless carrier is, it's a big thing because they...
The word around the campfire is that today Verizon is going to announce that they're bringing in the iPhone. Oh, I hope. Woods is rolling his eyes, though, like he's not buying it. Man, I got friends on the inside. I would have thought they would have told me about this. I don't think that they know. A couple of my boys on the Crows work at Verizon. Honestly, I don't think they know. Maybe they make it right. I don't think they know. I don't think they know. Do you think it's that hush-hush? Oh, yeah. Yeah. If that got out. Yeah, you know why I think it's a hush-hush? Because that's Apple's M.O., and they're good at it. Yeah. They're good at it. They are. It's what they do. Well, you know, I've already decided, L.O.B., too, that I'm going to wait a year. I'm not. I'm waiting. I'm going to wait. You're going to wait a year? There's going to be glitches, I'm sure. I'll take the glitches. Yeah, I already have glitches. You think there'll be glitches? They'll fix them. Well, yeah, and when they fix them, they fix them overnight, and they... You plug your phone in and boom. I'm trusting you. Or they issue the bumpers. They take care of it. Done. Well, Verizon's making this announcement, whatever it is, at 8 a.m. And like they were just saying, people are guessing that it's to announce a deal with Apple and to start selling iPhones at the end of the month.
I will be in line. I will wait in line for that. I will not, but I will go get one. I want one. So I've been holding onto my phone for so long waiting for this. You feel like broken screens. Oh, man. I love my iPhone. I know you do. It's so great. I know you do. I'm all in. I have zero complaints. I feel not as technologically savvy as iPhone users. I feel like an idiot. I feel behind the eight ball. And I know BlackBerry people. I don't feel that about you guys. I think your BlackBerrys work good. All I can tell you is I love my iPhone. But when I see somebody like... With their finger on an iPhone. I'm like, what are you up to? I can't even keep up with it. I'm so slow to look things up. They're like, oh, you want to go to the movie? Oh, okay, there's a movie. Loading. Loading. The iPhone is so quick to look stuff like that up. And when you get a picture, the picture's so clear. I had a BlackBerry, and it was awful. The pictures from my BlackBerry are the worst. They look fine on the screen. Look at this picture. When you start my iPhone, of my family. Just how...
How perfect it looks. My gosh. That's amazing. I've got to get it. We've got to get it. We've got to get it. It's crystal clear. It's beautiful. So we'll be able to update you after 8 o'clock when they make this announcement on whether or not Verizon will have the iPhone. All right. I just got resold. I'm all the way in. Do you think Blackberry is pooping this morning? 100%. My wife on the plane the other day, this is funny, she had my iPod and she was listening to my iPod. And I look over at her and she's trying to change the song. Like the iTunes. She's thinking it's a touchscreen. I'm like, babe, that little wheel, you've got to turn that wheel for the next song. And she's like, this is not working. You're like frozen. Because she has an iPhone. She has an iPhone. You go, what are you trying to do? She goes, I want to hear the next song. You go, oh, just type in 4-88721 backslash 8299 dot. Well, the thing I think BlackBerry will do is maybe back to where they started as like an enterprise, like stuff that people use for work. Yeah. Because it didn't. kind of become something that just an average Joe had until recently. Maybe that's their deal. Blackberry says, we're going to make the greatest device for people that are business people that's ever been. Maybe that's their thing. It is awesome for work stuff. Wait, you can't just play it, right? I know. I have to set it up. Okay, so here's, go ahead. Oh my God. I saw his finger going towards the button. I was like, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Britney Spears fans. Oh God.
Rejoice. Get ready because, you know, she has released a new single. It wasn't supposed to come out until today, but as of yesterday, middle of the day, she leaked it. Weird. And she said, she tweeted, don't hold it against me. What's the new album called? I don't know. It's just a single for now? It's a single and it's called Hold It Against Me. It's called Road Hard and Put Away Wet is what it's called. What? What the heck? Oh, it smells like carrots and throw up. You guys. I know. I know. I don't feel that way about Britney Spears. I know. I don't either. That Woodsy in his car, when Hit Me Baby comes on and he's driving alone, he turns it up and he sings. You know I'd admit it. I admit to a lot of things, I don't like her. I've never liked her music. What about Toxic? Nope. Oh, come on. Can I play it now? I like Gaga. Here's the new Britney Spung. It's called Hold It Against Me. Britney Spung? Yeah. Here's the new, you're so excited. I'm excited.
I'm already dancing. It's a hit. There's no question it's a hit. It's a hit. It's the 90s for me. It's a hit. There's no question. No, that is like the Britney that I know and she's coming back strong. I don't like the chorus at all. Oh, I like the chorus. I like the verses. Wasn't that a country song, Mike? Get behind that beat. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I don't know. You don't know that one? I do. Yeah, it is. It was in a movie. All I can tell you is that's a smash. There's no question. Really? Through the roof. I don't like that. The chorus sounds so 90s to me, like techno. I like it. Yeah, you know what? This is the first thought I had when I heard it. First thought I had when I heard it, I thought, it's really unusual that she's using that 90s techno thing. And then I thought, holy cow.
Is she going to be the first person to start bringing the 90s back? Like the very first. She would be the one to do it. Like nobody has because everybody's like, well, it's too early. We can't. It's too early. We can't. It's too early. We can't. And she's like, all right, I'll do it. I'll have a smash with it. And now watch. Yeah. Circular. Next thing you know, Bruno Mars and the whole bit. Everybody's going to start going, oh, it's the 90s techno thing. Hey, it's not the worst song by her I've ever heard. That's for sure. It's not bad. Watch, it'll be a smash. I can see it in the clubs for sure. 100%. In the club. In the club. I'm not a diehard Britney fan like some, but, you know, I will dance and sing along to that song. Gladly. Yeah. Well, I'm glad we covered that and not the national championship game. You know, there's things that are important and that is Brittany. Brittany does take the cake. Did I not have the national championship written here? You did. I don't know. You bet. It's fine. We'll get it. I got four stories and those were them. Yeah. But right now we need a break. Yeah, we need a break. Well, you can bet that when we come back we're talking about the national championship because there's a lot to talk about. Oh, yeah. It was a barn burner. Yeah, we'll talk about it next.
Sienna, what's going on in the news? Well, the former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was sentenced yesterday. In case you don't remember, he was convicted in November on charges of money laundering and conspiring to commit money laundering for using a political auction committee to illegally send corporate donations to Texas. Right. Well, he was sentenced to three years in jail. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, he's going to be doing some time. Also, yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the... earthquake in Haiti. Was it really? Yes. And just so you know, San Diego County alone gave nearly $300,000 to Haiti. Isn't that awesome? That is awesome. And one more thing really quickly. You may have heard that Facebook was shutting down on March 15th. I read this towards the end of the show yesterday and just wanted to clear things up. It was like a rumor. Yeah. Yeah. Facebook is not going anywhere, but this was on CNN. I mean, people are like, is Facebook shutting down on March 15th? What's the deal? They said it was because Mark Zuckerberg. Quote, wants his old life back. Really? I don't think he wants his old life back. I don't think so either. I think he's doing just fine. His old life, he was a teenager before that. Yeah, I just miss playing street hockey with my buddy. I miss having $14 in my checking. I want to collect pogs. This is for all the Tostitos. Oh, are you serious? Wins the BCS National Championship. In Glendale, Arizona.
I think there was some fresh beers drank there. Holy smokes. I think it was like tea or something. Tea, everybody just drinking tea. Chamomile. Or like the Diet Coke commercials at a big party. They're all just drinking Diet Cokes. Yeah, a bunch of teenagers. Jay, did you talk to your daughter? Did you talk to your daughter because she was going to be... Tailgating. Tailgating. I didn't talk to her, but I talked to her leading up to it. They had the whole setup. They had barbecue pits, deep fryers on the parking lot. They weren't even going to go into the game. You didn't talk to her afterwards because she was probably having a lot of fun. She said tickets were $1,000. Oh, my God. Wow. $1,000. Yeah, I read an article yesterday. They actually arrested four dudes for selling fake tickets for $500 to $5,000 each. Oh, my gosh. Got to be careful out there. Well, it was I had high hopes for this game last night and went home yesterday and took a nap because I knew I would have to watch the whole thing. And I did. I watched the entire thing. Started to doze off in the fourth quarter when Cam Newton had the ball and was going to put the game away. Fumbled.
Gave Oregon the ball back. Oregon drives down, scores, gets a two-point conversion to tie. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. With two minutes left. And I'm sitting straight up in bed wide awake. And I'm like, I got to see how this thing ends. They drove down and kicked the game winner. It was a great game. It was so much fun to watch. Wes Byram hit a 19-yard field goal. His time expired. And I'm watching this. And I'm watching. I'm putting myself in this kid Wes Byram's head. And I'm like, this is it. You know, you're tied. So you have a chance still if you miss it. But if you make it, you're the king. You are the freaking. And I'm sitting there looking at him going, do you even know what's in store for you after you nailed this kick, my friend? Best night ever. Best night ever. Can you imagine remembering back on last night for that kid? Making. The winning field goal in the national championship. They hadn't won a national championship since 1954. Wow. Auburn had not. And I have a good friend of mine that goes to Auburn. He watches Auburn football like I watch Notre Dame football, psychotically. Yeah. And so he was at the game. I was really pulling for him and those guys. And, boy, they played. Both those teams played their guts out last night. And watching Cam Newton, Cam Newton, he was good.
He was good. He didn't look like the Cam Newton I'd seen all year. But I'll tell you what. This kid that plays for Auburn, Nick Fairley, one of the dirtiest, nastiest players I've ever seen, but one of the greatest football players I've ever seen, too. I heard he's going to be a top-five pick. There's no question. He's just a beast. They even said, Musburger said last night, I hope he likes Carolina Blue. He could go No. 1. His performance last night was dominating. I mean, he was through the line. Butter. I mean, he just went right through, and bam, he was breaking up runs. He was, you know, the quarterback Reed, when he takes the ball and he either hands it off or he's going to keep it, he was tackling both the guys at the same time. I mean, it was ridiculous. Here is Auburn quarterback Cam Newton talking about the big win. You have had so much adversity. This team has come from behind, but you personally, you've fought through it. You've maintained your focus throughout. How would you describe your own journey from Blinn when you left there to get here? You know, it's just a God thing. You know, I thank God every single day. You know, I'm just his instrument. And he's using me on a consistent basis daily. You know, I just want to, you know, he's using me to extend his word. And I'm a prime example of how God can turn something that was bad into something that was very great.
That's weird. Isn't that cheering? Wow. Why is that weird? Why is that weird? They do it all the time. I know, but he was real into it. He was more into it than most. A lot of times what they'll say is, I just want to thank God. That dude was like, I just want to be used as his instrument. His dad's a preacher. His word and blah, blah, blah. I didn't know his dad was a preacher. Oh, yeah. Cecil Newton? You ever just hypocritical? Yeah, real good. The dude that's being accused of all this stuff? Yes, pastor. Oh, man. Is it all true, or is it... Yeah. Oh, that's awful. Cam was eligible, and I was listening to... Oh, that hurts my heart so bad. I know. I was listening to Mike and Mike talk about it, and they were saying, hey, listen, this may be the greatest Owen 14 season ever. The greatest Owen 14 season ever? They think that more stuff is going to come out. Down the road, and that they're going to yank the Heisman and the national championship from Auburn. Down the road, because, I mean, look at the Reggie Bush situation. They don't think that all the cards are on the table yet, even though the NCAA had declared Cam eligible. And they went to him and said, hey, are we good here? We're good. He's good. He can play. He can. Okay, good. Wow.
What did this season teach you about you, your family, what you believe that you didn't know before it happened? Anything is possible. I guarantee you five or six months ago, nobody would have, you know, bet their last daughter to say that Auburn University has won the national championship. But now, on January 10, 2011, you know, we're smiling right now saying, you know, we did it. I heard John Gruden say that Cam Newton is a hybrid. of Ben Roethlisberger and the kid that is the starting quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Josh Freeman. Josh Freeman. Yeah, the comparisons I most heard yesterday were to Vince Young. He's got a better arm than Vince Young. He's more accurate than Vince Young, and I think he's bigger than Vince Young, and I think he's faster. Oh, wow. And I was texting Bauman last night, my friend Mark Bauman, big UT fan, and he goes, man, the guy looks better. He looks better than VY. VY was a man among boys in college. But this kid, he played really well. He had the fumble. He had a pick. But when it was time to make throws and make plays, he did. Got a lot of first downs with his legs. The game was phenomenal. I mean, we're talking they went for two early. Oregon did. They got it. They did a fake punt that was incredible. They went for it on fourth down at the goal line. Didn't get it.
It was everything you could ask for as far as a really exciting football game. And the final score was Oregon 22, Auburn 19. I'm sorry, Auburn 22, Oregon 19. Personally, I thought the Oregon cheerleaders were prettier than the Auburn cheerleaders. No question. The Auburn cheerleaders were going for more of the, you know, sort of hair pulled back in a ponytail. Whereas the Oregon cheerleaders went for more of the glamorous, big, loopy curls. The more collegiate look is the ponytail. Yeah. I might have paused the TV when they came across because they're phenomenal. The Oregon cheerleaders? Yes. Phenomenal. Who would have known? My friend Bark Malman told me that they did a spread on them in Playboy. I need to check that out. Oh, boy. Nice beaver. That wasn't... They're the ducks. That wasn't at all... Oh, yeah, ducks. Yeah. Clever or... It was kind of clever.
It wasn't really. That's kind of clever. They're the Ducks. Oh, see, that makes it better. That does make it better. He thought they were the Beavers. No, no, no, no. That's Oregon State. That's Oregon State. He's not a big sports guy. I know that. He's making a mistake every once in a while. That's why you played that. You thought they were the Oregon State Beavers. Beavers and Ducks. People do that all the time. Yeah. I feel like. People do that all the time. It's just a mistake. It's just a mistake on your part. The only bad thing about the national championship game last night is that college football is now over for nine months. I don't know what to do. And I hate it. Maybe work out. It's so funny. Why is college football not a big deal here? It's really not. It sucks. We were such college football fans until we moved here. Yeah. Truly. And I do sports on the radio, and I'm like, I don't really need to watch these games because I really don't have to talk about it. Because San Diego State's not there yet. They'll get there, and then we will be. Yeah. Let's hope. Let's play buzzword. Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Do we need callers for this? Yeah, they pick a horse. Yeah. Okay. So you call in right now, and you either pick me, Sienna, Woods, or L-O-B. And here's how it works. Jay is going to give us the buzzword.
and then he's going to describe various words, and we have to yell out the answer. Right. And we are going to hook them up today. How do they win? Just by picking, we're just going to do one. Pick a horse. Just doing one? Just doing one? No, whoever gets the most. Whoever gets the most. The most, okay. Okay, good. What? I got it now. You got it, Mike. Yeah. Piece of cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 570-1949. I get freaked out by games. You do. I'm so confused. I got it now. We're going to hook them up with Dinner for Two at the Shores in La Jolla. That went down there. So good. My hood. Delicious. Mikey Show, who would you like to select? I would like to select Sienna. All right. Yes! There you go. Sienna, you're taking it. Wow. Drafted first. Okay. Never. It's never happened. My mind is blown. I love you. It's never happened. My mind is blown. Game over, actually. Game over, you win. First round draft pick, Sienna Farrar. Yes! All right, let's go to the next one. Yes! Mikey Show, who do you want to select? I love you! Tap the brakes. Who do you want to take? Well, I'm happy. L.O.B. L.O.B.? Two chicks on the show. We're loud. So, Woodsy and I are the only two left. Mikey Show, who do you want? Me or Woods? I'll take Tom, Mikey. Really? Mikey Show, who's this? M1 Tough. M1 Pup? Tough? Yep.
M1 top. Top? Top. Top. Like Tupperware. All right, top. Woods is a sleeper pick. You got Woods. Hang on. All right. Are you guys ready? Yeah. Let's do this. So you're yelling out the answer. What's the word? What's the word? There we go. The word is ground. Ground. Got it. Okay. The Java particles that remain in the field. Oh, Woods. No, you don't say your name. Coffee grounds. You say the answer. You say the answer. You've got to say the name. No, you just yell it out. Coffee ground. I said it, though. Mike, it's okay. Mike just collapsed on the ground. All right, come on. Keep going. Wait, do I get that or what? Okay, who gets it? Because I yelled out coffee ground. Lauren gets it. Lauren gets it. Okay. One point. L-O-B. That's my fault, Mike. My fault. It's okay. I'm trying to jump out, but there's a window. It's okay. Sounds good. Get near your mic, Mike. Initiate a construction project on site. Break ground! Lauren. Dang it. Wow. Gosh, that was good. That was real good. Okay, you ready, Sienna? Here we go. Go to your room for a week. Woods. What did he say? You're grounded. All of us yelled it as loud as we could. The team that keeps the infield in good shape. The grounds crew. The keepers. Grounds crew. Woods. My stomach hurts. All right. Nerve wracking. I know. Here we go. Use your car until it falls apart. Run it into the ground.
Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good. That's Mikey. Wow. He just popped a blood vessel. Yeah, he did. Here we go. Small plant that grows on the forest floor. What? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Ground cover. That's it, Mikey. Wow. Okay, can we get a score? Sienna. Why do I have to get a freaking school? I was going to offer this time. Mike Lauren Woods, too. Oh, boy. Okay, here we go. Territory where you hung out in your youth. Stomping ground! Lauren, I'm giving it to Lauren. Come on! Oh, my gosh. It's horse-ass. Don't say it. Oh, my gosh. Level of entrance to a skyscraper. Ground floor! Woods. Dang it. Woods just did the air punch. Here we go. There's two more. Oh, boy. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. I'm going to vomit. Yep. Remain firm on your decision. Stand your ground! Woods. Mike, two. Lauren, three. Woods, four. Wow. Last question. Hit low in the infield. Ground ball! Lauren. Lauren and Woods tied. Lauren and Woods tied? Yeah. I was winning. We got to do just one between those two. Yeah, do a playoff between you two.
I had two in my mind the whole time, and he didn't say it. I was going to say, ground zero or ground beef? Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go. It's just between those two clowns. What's the word? The word is nail. Oh, gosh. Between Lord and Woods. Here we go. Yeah, Lauren. Okay, okay. One with a nervous bad habit. Bite your nails. Woods is the winner. Yeah! I didn't even know what Chase said. Non-knocks. What a name of a hammer. Hammer the hammer. Joshua. Woods figured it out. Did he speak hillbilly? I had no idea what he said. Yeah, I speak hillbilly, so I'm in good shape. I'm exhausted. Woods, you proved yourself even though you were picked last. Yeah, fourth round draft pick. See, I was Ryan Leaf of this game. That's right. Mikey Show. Wow, that was intense. Tell me your name again. Hello? M1 Top. M1 Top. Congratulations. Woods, he won for you. What did he win, Jay? He's going to go to the Shores restaurant in La Jolla and get hooked up. There you go, dude. There you go. And he can eat. Hang on a line. Some hot girls there. Holy cow. Close, but no cigar. I didn't even get one. So sad. Woods' brain works so fast. That game is so fun. I have a confession to make. What? On one of them. Yeah. I beat you.
No. One of them, I just started going, ground, and I was trying to be out. She's so competitive. Oh, my God. Let me tell you something. Lauren and Woods may be the single two most competitive human beings. I'm very competitive. She is, too. But I don't ever win, so I kind of just am like, I'm over it. She did garbled language and threw a ground in there. I didn't get a point for it, but if I would have been given the point, I would have taken it. You're a cheat. You got the point, but I just went, who did it? Oh, I'm speechless. I didn't get the point. Can you imagine playing board games with these two if we didn't have FCC restrictions? My family won't play games with me. Oh, yeah. You hit your husband in the face with a badminton racket. No, not in the face. In the hip. In the hip. In the hip. Playing badminton. It was a plastic badminton. And my dog, my parents' dog bites. So when I went to hit Todd, my dog bit him. Because he was protecting me.
So competitive. I love you, babe. Do you guys know who Johnny Weir is? No. Sounds familiar. He's a figure skater. Oh, yeah. I mean, no. I have no idea who he is. Woods gets figure skater weekly. And so, of course he knows. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, Woods is like, isn't today fashion week? Here was Johnny. The girls go, they go, no, never heard of him. I'm like, I think I know who he is. I've met him in a club. Here was Johnny Weir yesterday on the Today Show. You know, this book has been a hot topic in the news and entertainment programs because for the first time you sort of come out and you do and you say that you're gay. Why did you do it now? And are you surprised by the reaction? I'm very surprised by the reaction because I'm a person, I've never lived in a closet. What? Come on! What? What do you mean what? Did we think he was gay? More than likely. Yeah. More than likely. Yeah! My writing was kind of on the ice. I'm very surprised by the reaction because I'm a person, I've never lived in a closet. I've never claimed... For the record, neither have I. Has anyone? I've lived in an apartment. Yeah.
I live in a home. You live in a coffin. I lived in a coffin as a radio stunt for three full days. I have never lived in a closet. Neither is he. Johnny Weir says. I'm on record. I've never lived in a closet. I never claim to be straight or gay. I claim to be Johnny Weir. And that's something that I think is very important for anybody in this world is to own who you are. His voice gives it away. Yes. It's politically incorrect to say that he has an effeminate voice. Is it? But he has an effeminate voice. It's higher than mine. Yeah. He talks like more of a girl than you do, Sienna. Maybe more than me as well. I know. Maybe more than you. More than likely. He speaks as, he sounds more like a girl than my wife.
Isn't it okay to say that he sounds like a gay guy? Is that not okay? No, it's not okay. Is it not? No, it is not okay. Now, not all gay guys sound like that, but he sounds... I don't know. I'm digging myself in a hole. You're not allowed. Yeah, shut up. You should see him skate. Oh, yeah. Of course you're into that. Is he the one that wears the fur and all that stuff? He's very flamboyant. He's very flamboyant. You can't say that. I can't? No, you cannot say that he sounds... Who is this? This is gay neck. Gay-nit. Gay-nit. Yeah. You can't just call yourself gay. Gay-nit. Like homosexual or happy? Like homosexual. Both. Gay-nit. Gay-nit. Yes. You can't say he sounds gay. I can't. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend. I'm sorry. But I'm not saying something's gay. I'm saying he literally sounds like he is gay. Well... Wood, stop. Yeah, because the deal is that I sound just like you. No, you don't. How do I sound any different? Because you whistle your S's. No, I don't. Who says I whistle my S's? I say. I kind of agree with him. You definitely...
There's a little th going on. There's, first of all. Some hissing. First of all. You're hissing at me. I'm not hissing at you. There's no, first of all, there's no, like, lisp. Gay Nick, I love your voice. I like it too, Gay Nick. It's very spooky. Or should I say soothing? Yeah, I'm not hating on it. I'm just, I'm stating facts. So you're saying that when I say something, there's something different about my ass. There's definitely a hip. on your asses. Okay, let me, I'll test him. What's your favorite deodorant? Old Spice. What's my name? Sienna. What's my first name? Steven. What's my last name? Woods. What? Gay Nick. Nothing. I mean, it's fine. What's the show with the really tan people that live in New Jersey? Oh, with Snooki? Yes. Or Snooki. Snooki, Snooki. Right. Jersey Shorts. Yeah. It's just one short. That's what I said. The Jersey Shorts. What is our host's last name? Sparta. Yeah. What is our producer's last name? Is Spell. See, there's nothing different about the way that I see you. Gay Nick knows a lot about our show. Gay Nick does know a lot about our show. Who's our phone screener? Well, you have two. Yes. You have Will. Right.
There's no S at the end of Will. You can't just sneak in an S. And then there's Chris. Oh, yeah. You sure do. Gay Nick, I think you are dynamite, and I'd love you to call in more. Oh, for goodness sake. You are so immature. All of you are so. Yes, I agree. Yes. It's silly. We're just silly. It's Will. It's Will. Will. I love your face. All right, Ask the Dudes. Here's the way Ask the Dudes works. You call us if you're a female and you want to ask a question of us dudes, but be prepared for the real answer. This is, you want to know how guys think? You want to know what a guy would think of this? It's all guy stuff. And guys can call in and affirm or disaffirm. But we want women to call us and ask us dudes, me, Jane Woods, questions. 570-1949. I brought animal cookies into the studio. We're like preschoolers. I know it. It's a gigantic thing of animal crackers. They're practically all gone. Do you bite the legs off still? Yeah. I bite the heads off.
I like to line up each kind of animal and say, oh, look at all the different kinds. We're doing acid dudes. This is where ladies call us, and they get to ask me, Jay, and Woods a question. And all you have to know is that you need to be prepared for the real answer. Guys in the audience, as you listen, you can call in with your opinions, too. 570-1949 is our number. I'm Mikey. That's Woods. Woods does sports for us. To my right is our assistant producer, Lauren, otherwise known as LOB. To my left is Sienna. She does news. Jay is our producer. He's 47, and our phone screener today is Chris. So on the line with us right now, we have M1 Katie, who is driving on the 15 right now. What's your question, Katie? So I have a question, and I pretty much already have the answer set in my mind, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Typical girl. That's right. When we as women ask you as men to do something, be it get the kids ready for school, fold the laundry. automatically just F it up so that we won't ask you to do it again? Sometimes I... Sometimes I don't give it... The... Woods? My wife is listening right now. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Be honest. Okay, fine. Sometimes I'm not that good at it because I would rather that she do it. Give me an example of what. Uh...
For instance, maybe she has asked me to do something to prepare a meal for the kids or something like that. Diaper change. A diaper change. There we go. A diaper change. And the diaper is, you know. I can't do it. I get it all over me. Look. Yeah. Looks like I did it with an eye patch on or something. You know? Looks like I did it in the dark woods. Yeah. Did you do that? Yes. You do. I've done it so well that I really don't even have any chores anymore. Take out the garbage. That's it. That's it. Why did you have to ask this question, Katie? Yeah, you know the answer. Jay? No, I don't mess it up on purpose. Your expectations are just way too high. Yeah. Good one. Good one. I like that. Stop it with that. Yeah. High expectations, Katie. I can never do it right. The clean the kitchen bit is the one I get, and I clean it, and she comes in and starts cleaning, and I'm like. Yeah. Yeah. Why did you have me clean? Just do it. I just do it my way. Okay, fine. Emma and Sarah from Poway. Hi. Hi, what's your question? So how many dates can we, I know you're going to lecture on this one, but how many dates can we go on with one guy and then put out without them thinking we're like happy? I love this question. Oh, yeah. I love it. Sarah, how old are you?
22. That's a great question to ask. Now, you know where I stand. Everybody knows where I stand. I have had a change of heart. I had sex before I got married, just like most people, but then I had a change of heart, and I believe that you wait until you get married. You're 22 years old. Here's my question for you, Sarah. What, and I just want to hear what your natural answer and reaction would be to this. Why, what would be wrong with waiting? until you got married um test car like testing out the car before you drive it i understand i understand now does that mean that if you have sex with the guy and i don't know how many partners you've had okay i don't know how many partners you've had but there's a saying amongst guys and the saying is it's like pizza doesn't matter how bad it is it's pretty damn good because it's pizza and pizza is always good yep
Okay. And so, you know, I mean, maybe you're with this guy and he like picks you up and he twirls you in the air and you land on something. What's that called? Yeah. I mean, I'm not really sure what sort of like, you know, mastodon you're looking for out there. But what I can tell you, and I'm 40. I'm 40. I'm 40, and believe it or not, I had sex a couple of times before I was married. I know it. And what I can tell you is that I can't think of one occasion where I was like, oh my gosh, that was just some really terrible sex. But you're a guy. I know, I know. I know. I know. Even when it's bad, it's good. No. My question is, how many dates do we have to go on a guy? I understand. I just wanted to present that to you. I'll give you the right answer after Mike's done. Not the right answer. I'll give you my answer. So your question is, how many times do you have to go on a date with a guy before he thinks what? Like less of me before having sex with him. Right.
Like a guy would think that after a first date, would he think that after? Would he? Well, maybe. After a fifth date? Yeah. I would say five dates. I'm going to say your answer is three, kid. Three dates and you're good to go. I think six. And Jay, what do you think? It depends on if you're trying to make this a long-term relationship. I would wait five. Like, you know, five dates. Okay. Or are we like going over his house and hanging out dates? That's a date. Can it be like five seconds? Wait five days. She's like, what? Okay, and I'm going to tell you this. And I'm going to tell you this thinking with the old Mikey. Old Mikey's brain. If you don't have sex with him and you're a good-looking chick and you're cool, you're a badass. Yeah. No question. And I'm telling you, that's just the truth. So if you decide that you're going to have sex with him, it's just because you want to sleep with him, you want to have sex, you're horny, whatever. But I'm telling you that if you don't sleep with him, you're a badass. In his mind, that's all I'm saying. My wife waited three months, and everybody else was like, hit it and quit it. But then she waited three months, and I was like, oh my, who is this girl? I've got to have this. It's true, man. It's true. If you said to him, listen, you're not getting it until we're married, that guy, and he likes you, and you're hot, you are...
You're the marrying girl. He is absolutely right. And if things are going well and there's a vibe and there's a chemistry, and if you go, listen, we're going to wait. He'll be like, oh my God, I'm going to marry this girl. I'm going to marry her. But don't wait too long. Yeah, but a lot of times the deal is, well, I'm horny. I want to have sex. Okay, great. And it doesn't matter. I'm telling you, it doesn't matter if you waited three dates or five dates or whatever. It's all the same. But doesn't she still need to let him know, like, look, I'm into you. So he's not like, this is never going to happen. Just don't go all the way. Yeah. Let's see. M1. Thank you. Thank you. M1 Michaela from OB. Hi. I've been dying to ask this question for a really long time. I'm excited to hear what you guys are going to say. How old are you? I'm 27. Always need to know ages. Okay, go ahead. I'm 27. I'm wondering if I can ask my boyfriend to marry me. How old is he? He's 30. All right, here's my opinion on this. There are men who that will be fine. And if you find the guy that that's fine, you're a match made in heaven. This is what I used to think. I used to hear about these, these women would tell me stories, and I won't mention any names, but these women would tell me stories about their husbands. And I would be like, oh my gosh, how can he...
How can he deal with this? How can he put up with this? And what I didn't realize and what I came to realize is perfect for each other. See, there's a dude out there. There's plenty of dudes out there that that would just tickle their fancy. This is if a chick got down on her knee and asked him to marry her. Now that's a little extreme. Whatever. I do like my fancy cake. Gave him a man-gagement ring. Whatever, yeah. Man-gagement. Paint the picture however you want, L.O.B. She does it however she wants. There's dudes that would dig it. Yeah. Me, personally, I'm not that guy. I am not that guy. So, my answer to you is, it depends on the dude you're with, and if he's that type of fisherman, then throw that line in. Throw that line in. Woods? I say no. I say no, I say no, I say no, I say no, I say no, I say no, I say no. Can we ask questions? Like, how long have they been together? Is this a good idea? No, because it doesn't matter. They could have been together for 10 years, and it doesn't matter. It totally sweeps his legs. I mean, you could bring it up to him, like, hey, look, you know. I'm ready. I'm ready. And then let him figure it out, because I think it's definitely his role. Hey, you know what men love? Give them an ultimatum. Marry me or else we love ultimatums. No, she's not flat on asking. Don't listen to one. Bring it up.
Talking about asking him to marry her. Don't you guys think that there's a guy out there that... There's guys out there that like to be bossed around. There's guys out there that don't wear the pants. And they wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah, that's true. I know that a lot of women out there are going to be shouting in their cars when I say this. Especially coming from me. But I just don't think our culture is there yet. LLP, I'm so... I'm so proud of you. I still think even the most passive of guys, they still want that. Because it's a masculine thing. And it's a rite of passage, too. I don't want that to change. I don't want us opening the door for them. When I started this, I don't think I thought that. I think you may have talked me into that, L.O.B. Maybe she's right. Maybe all guys, even the kind of guy that... doesn't wear the pants, even that dude wants to ask. Yeah, I think the girl wants that. And he's going to ask. He's going to ask, even the very passive guy that doesn't wear the pants, he's going to ask. It may be under duress, and it may be because she's like, now you listen to me. This needs to get done, and it needs to get done. But he needs to ask. I just think it's a man's job. Michaela? Yeah? What brought this about? Well, we've been together for almost five years, and I have...
About 12 months ago, I told him, I said, I'm ready when you're ready. And I was always the one dragging my feet, and so I thought he would ask me right away, but now it's been a year, and I just want to get the ball rolling and ask him. Well, if you said, I'm ready when you're ready, and he hasn't asked, then what's changed? You know what I mean? Yeah, that's what I thought. Maybe he's saving for a ring. Maybe start dating somebody else. Maybe he's looking around. You guys, he's not looking around. What if she said, so will you marry me? And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I get the ring, then I'll go through the proposal. Don't jump the gun, okay? Remember we went over this. I'm getting there. Are you guys living together? Yeah. We've lived together for about a year and a half. So I don't think anything else is going on, but of course it's crossed my mind because it's been so long. Hey, Michaela, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? I've been down that dairy road. Yeah. I've been on that farm. Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? I know why. Why? Men are...
adolescent and they're children. We're idiots. He's mad. He's mad that you dragged your feet and he's like, I'm going to show her what it feels like and it's my turn and it's tit for tat and that's what I'm going to do. Just talk to him. And I'll ask her when I am good and ready. Yeah, you just talk to him and tell him what you're ready for. Holy cow. There's a, this may be, this may be, I think this is a guy from Kearney Mesa's, M1 Chris, are you a guy or a girl? Hey, I'm a guy. Okay. M1 Chris. Poor guy. M1 Chris. Well, it's just because you said Chris. I was like, well, that's the first time I've been asked that. Chris and Nick. Chris, you think that it's absolutely cool for a girl to propose. Oh, 100%. I think traditional gender roles are disappearing and more guys need to get over themselves. I would love it. That's what I was talking about. There's a guy out there. That's him. I guess I am. There's a guy out there that thinks it would be great. Hey, maybe you just stay home with the kids and let her go to work, too. Maybe Michaela and Chris make it right. Wow. I am 27. Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. Yeah. You're telling me.
That you would dig it if you're out to dinner and she reaches into her purse and pulls out a little... A gold watch? No, she pulls out a little gold case, you know, a little jewelry case and opens it up and there's a, you know, wedding band. Man engagement ring. It's a wedding band and she's like, you know that you've meant a lot to me over the years. You want a canary die? I just... I think it's time that we take it to the next level. And I just want to ask you right here, right now. In fact, at that point. Why does she have to have my voice? At that point, she gets down on one knee and she goes, Chris. Wow. Chris. I love you so much, babe. I just want to know who will spend the rest of your life. The vegist's reaction. Wow. Would you like that? Would you like that? Man. I would not like that. Girls react, they're like, oh! You know, imagine the guy. I could see that. The guy goes, oh! The guy's reaction would go, oh, oh. You're going to do this here in the restaurant? We're doing this now? Are you really doing this? Is this a joke? Are my parents here? What's the bit? It's Ashton Kuster. He's going to bust out of the kitchen. You've been punked. Chris, that's not emasculating to you?
Well, I mean, if it's in that voice, I'm running for it. Yeah, whatever floats your boat. That would be the coolest thing ever. Now, would you like it in a proposal traditional setting or just the conversation? Like, look, I've thought about it. I'm ready. I feel like you're ready. Let's do this. Or would you want like a Chris? I like the traditional proposal. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Well, Michaela, obviously, since you're calling us and you're asking us about it. You've thought about it. How would you propose to your boyfriend? Maybe do it to Chris. Well, I would buy a ring. I mean, I would do it traditionally. What would it look like? A ring for him. It would be, you know, just a nice masculine ring. How many carrots? Any diamonds or no? Let her do it. I want to hear it. I want to hear it. Go ahead. No diamonds. I know what his style is, so I would buy something that I knew he would like. And I would make him dinner at home because that's what he really likes. And it would just be me and him. And your place is in the kitchen. And in the middle of dinner, I would walk over to him and tell him all the things I love about him and ask him to marry me and show him the ring. Would you sit on the couch next to him or would you get down on a knee? I would probably get down on a knee.
Oh, my gosh. I would run for the hills. Would you be, like, kind of embarrassed when you're making that call to your friends and your family, being like, I'm engaged. And they'll be like, how did he do it? And you'll be like, well, actually, I did. Oh, I did. Would you ask his dad for permission? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Ask his mom. No, his mom. His mom. Michaela, would you ask his mom for permission? No. You would not. I would not. I would not ask his parents for permission because, yes. That would be embarrassing. I don't think that I would be embarrassed still calling our friends and family just to say that we are engaged. And let's go through the process, okay? I'm going to be your dad. Hello? Okay. Hello? We're engaged. No. You knew it was coming. When did it happen? Last night. Oh, wow. How did it happen? Did he take you somewhere? Well, actually, I asked him. What? Tim, we both are ready. I knew it, and I just wanted to get the ball rolling. I know how much you guys love him and want him in the family, and so I just went ahead and did it, and he said yes. Sweetheart, I think we have a bad connection. It sounded like you said you asked him.
Can you hear me? Holy cow. We've got a girl on the line from Lakeside. M1 keeping it clean. She proposed. No. It happens. I mean, I guess I stand corrected. Oh, yes. It happens. M1 keeping it clean from Lakeside. Are you there? Yes, I am. Good morning. Good morning. You asked your husband? Yes, I did it on a big sign at Conroy's Flowers, and it said, David M., will you marry me? And he cried, and he said yes, but years later, I've asked him, like, on a bad day where I felt like maybe he maybe didn't want it or whatever, and he said he had had resentment because he had planned something, and I stepped in, and I took that from him. Oh, wow. We're still married, and we love each other and everything, but I took that from him. Yep. He started crying. Because he was upset because he had plans of his own? No, tears of joy. Because he was happy. And then later the resentment ate at him. And he's like, you guys ever steal my thunder? Well, he said he had something planned and he had it for a couple weeks. But he's more laid back and just takes his time. And I'm the impatient, like, let's get it going. Just take his wiener too, maybe. Oh, stop. She didn't mean to. They're married now. Just take his wiener and his boys. Throw those in your purse.
They can work with you. And now... You already had him, you know? I mean, you got the guy. He's yours. He's yours. You don't have to worry about it. Just be patient, women. You already reeled him in. Don't worry about it. So, if you had it to do over again, would you do it? No, I would definitely not have done it. And, like, I lost what I was going to say. Sorry. You ruined my life! Does it change anything for you, Michaela, hearing that? Or are you still on board? Well, I haven't really thought about that part of it. Maybe he has plans to do it, and I don't want to ruin those for him. Now, wait a minute, Mikayla. I don't want this next call to freak you out too much, but... Mikey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He... I lost it again. Okay, good. That was keeping it clean. M1 Mikayla, I don't want this to freak you out too bad, okay? but I want you to talk to M1 Eman from IB. Are you there, Eman? Yes, sir. How are you doing this morning? I'm doing good. Go ahead. About a few years ago, before my wife, I was dating this girl, and she asked me to marry her, and I told her no. Oh, boy. Saddest thing ever. How long have you been with her? Me and the previous girlfriend, we were together about three years, and then she...
was moving to San Jose to go to college, so she moved away, and I started dating my wife now, and then we were together about a year, and then when she came back in town, she just knocked on my door one day and said, hey, can we go talk? And I said, sure. Went up to the beach, and then she's all, I got you this platinum ring. I really want you to marry me. Oh, God. Was it in the little case and everything? Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, slow down, slow down. Did she, were you on the sand? Yes, we were. You were walking on the sand like the water was right there. This is sad. I know, but I got to hear it. I got to hear it. I got to hear it. I know it's a train wreck, but I have to see it. We walked up on the beach, but then we sat down. She wanted to talk to me. She kind of kneeled in front of me. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're going too fast. Did you suspect this at all? No, I didn't. Oh, my gosh. You hadn't seen her in a year, right? Yeah, she moved to San Jose for a year, and then she came back into town,
You know, she just, because my wife, actually, my wife at the time, she had just said, hey, I'm going to jump in the shower. Holy cow, holy cow, holy cow. I looked out there, and it was my ex-girlfriend. I go, hey, what's going on? She goes, oh, can we go talk? I said, sure. I just jumped in her car, and we were up on the beach. I live pretty close to the beach. And your wife married you after that? I know. You just bailed? So your wife was in the shower, got in the shower. She's like, honey. Okay, so, okay. I thought we were going to the movie, you know? So you go to the beach, and... And when you go to the beach, are you standing or sitting when she does this? I'm sitting. Okay. And does she kneel? Yeah, she kneels in front of me. Kneels in front of you. One knee or two. She's on both knees. Both knees. It's sort of begging. And then she takes the thing out, opens it up, yeah? Yeah, yeah. And says, I got you this ring. Will you marry me? Did you immediately say no? I said, you know, I just thought I was really flattered, but, you know, because, you know, previously, She had told me, you know, you need to move on. Because, you know, after we broke up, we were trying to get, you know, back and forth. And then she told me one day, you just need to move on. So I told her, you know, I moved on. You know, I'm flattered, but I can't accept this. I'm already involved with someone else now. And what did she say? She was just, she just told me that she really loved me. She wanted me to quit my job and move up to San Jose with her. And that, you know, that she made a mistake. And I told her, you know, life.
You know, we make decisions in our life, and we've got to deal with the decisions we make. Woods just made the international sign by the side of his head. Imagine that flight home to San Jose. Imagine the drive back to his apartment with a girl you just told thanks, but no thanks. Did you tell your now wife what just happened? Did you tell her? That's what I'm dying to know. Yeah, well, when I got back home, I told her what happened. But, you know, I was renting. My rent, you know, my renters, they were her parents. So I was living under her parents. Oh, my gosh. Creepy. She's like, fine, move out. Thank you for the call. Thank you very much, E-Man. Michaela, the best of luck to you. Don't do it. Or just if you feel like you know him well enough, your call. Maybe just don't do it. Oh, I forgot to ask you, why buy the cow? Oh, boy. Maybe get the milk for a certain. I like milk all the time. That's why I buy the cow. I've been the milk, Michaela. Don't toll yourself. I've been the milk. Thank you. Thank you, Michaela. But I have, too. I'm married. Yeah. Yeah, but you cannot just keep going to that teat for free. Sure you can. You can't, Jay, because eventually you get to the point where you're like, well, why would I marry, you know? We're practically married already. We're already married anyway. And I'm already feasting on milk. And I've already got all the milk I need. We'd live together for almost three years before we got married. Yeah, that's why. That's why.
I bet if she said to you, you ain't getting it. You would have asked. You would have asked. You would have asked. Look at his face. One of the coaches in the playoffs this weekend has made a very bold statement. They said that basically the game is about him versus the other coach. We'll tell you who it is next. So they say... And when I say they, I mean, I don't know, they.com, whatever. They say that in about 20 minutes, Verizon is going to be making an announcement that they're getting iPhone 4. That's word around the campfire. We don't know for sure, but we will be following it at 8 and let you know if that is, in fact, the case. Wait till we tell you about the Chinese woman that sprouted a three-inch horn from her head. That's coming up here in a second. You just make up headlines if it's a slow news dare. I'm telling you. Don't make you horny, by the way.
It's the truth. Let's do some Woods on Sports. Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. Well, San Diego Charger fans. Not good news for you today. Ron Rivera is reportedly close to becoming the Panthers' new head coach. They have a history of going after defensive guys. None's better than Ron Rivera, No. 1 defense in the NFL. But, you know, it's going to be a tough challenge for him. They don't really have a quarterback. Unfortunately, Jimmy Clawson has not really panned out in the NFL. Don't really have a running game. Don't really have a receiving core. So he's got his work cut out for him. But you get the chance to be the big guy. That's what you're going to do more than likely. More than likely. More than likely. So you can expect him to probably be named head coach of the Panthers this week, which is a bummer. You know what, though? When I think about it, because we were talking about it, Woods and I were talking about it off the air, and I was like, Singletary's out there. Yep. He's a defensive coordinator. Yep. Pretty good. But what about the old switcheroo? Like they got rid of John Fox, right? Yep.
So we got John Fox to be our D coordinator. John Fox is interviewing for head coaching jobs in Denver. Is he really? Yeah, and he was funny because I was flying out of Denver the other day and was delayed. He was delayed going into Denver because of the snowstorm they had. Really? I have had arguments with my friends about this for years, about the NFL. It's kind of like once you get in, you're in. It's kind of a, they love the retread bit. The boys club. They love the retread bit. I mean, you couldn't hack it there. Why would you be able to hack it here? Most times. Most times. But they always seem to get three or four chances to do it. Some of the young guys' names out there, Josh McDaniel, somebody's looking at him to be an offensive coordinator. He probably won't get another head coaching job for a while. But there's going to be a lot of moving around. The Chargers have a very busy offseason, and they were talking to owner Dean Spanos about that cut three. It's clear we have to do a better job in the draft this year. Five picks in the first three rounds, and they have to be really good picks. We need to draft like we had back in 2004, and we really need to look at free agency this year a lot differently than we have in the past. Good for you, Dean. Good for you. At least say it and get it out there so we can hold you to it when you don't do it or if you don't do it. Also, so there are some really huge games this weekend in the NFL. Number one on that marquee has got to be Patriots-Jets. And I know, for one, I am looking forward to it so much.
It's so weird for me. I'm going to be rooting for a team from Boston. Hard. Be rooting hard for them. Why? I don't like the Jets. The Jets are boring. I don't like Mark Sanchez. I don't like Rex Ryan. I like Mark Sanchez. I don't like Cromartie. I don't like half the guys on that squad. LT being on the team. I'm not LT. Still bitter about that. But I'm going to be pulling. For Tom Brady, which is weird for me. I don't really mind Tom Brady. I never really have minded the Patriots that much. But boy, all the other teams for Boston I hate. But anyway, so foot fetish master Rex Ryan. Yeah, he bothers me. Yes, he has come out now. He loves to put it. He's kind of like me. He loves to put his foot in his mouth real good. No pun intended. Isn't it? Totally intended. He loves feet. He kind of trips himself up all the time. Yeah, he trips over his own feet sometimes, L.O.B. Well, so now he's come out and said, hey, listen, this weekend is not about Patriots Jets. This weekend is about Rex Ryan against Bill Belichick. Oh, please. Is it?
I don't see your fat A out there running plays, pal. You know what I mean? This is about your guys. Nothing like kicking your boys in the balls when they're out there to win a game for you. You ever just make it about you? Yeah. There's no I in team. So he says the NFL needs to crack down on the coaches because I'll tell you what, you give them a foot, they'll take a mile. They'll take a mile. They'll take a mile. He says, quote, this is about Bill Belichick versus Rex Ryan. There's no question. It's personal. It's about him against myself. That's what it's going to come down to. I think it's not going to come down to that. I think it's going to come down to the players on the field executing the game plan that's been laid out for them. I don't think it's going to have much to do with Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick going head-to-head. Unless they were at a pizza buffet or something like that. That would be a different story. Don't expect the Jets to come out guns blazing because my feeling is they're just going to... Dip their toes in the water. Something's afoot here. Something is afoot here. There's no question. Don't go head over heels too quickly about what the Jets are going to do. Exactly, exactly. So the last time he ran mouth before the Patriots game, they got beat 45-3. So great work. He had also thrown a couple of jabs Tom Brady's way. Apparently Tom Brady took his wife, Giselle, to see a Broadway play the other night when the...
when the Jets were playing the Colts. And Rex Ryan goes, well, Peyton Manning would have been watching our game. And Tom likes to think he studies as hard as the other NFL quarterbacks. Truth is, he doesn't. Nobody studies like Peyton. And why light a fire under Tom Brady's butt before the game against you? Why? Brady is... One of the best that's ever lived. And then finally, Chris Peterson, the head coach of Boise State, has said he is going to stay. And as you guys know, Jim Harbaugh is now the head coach of the 49ers. And the rampant speculation was that Peterson was going to leave Boise State to go coach at Stanford. He is not. He's staying at Boise State. Good for him. Good for the kids he recruited. It's always nice to see. Big fish, little pond. Big fish, little pond. There you go. All right, that's Woods on Sports. So Sienna has a quite remarkable story. Yeah. And the story comes to us, ladies and gentlemen, via China. Yes. There is a man who's 84 years old from China. His name is... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. This might be difficult. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Isn't it a she... All right, all right. Pull it together. Pull it together. No, I'm going to...
I'm going to start with a he. There's a he and a she. Shem. His name is Hwang Yung Fung. Funny. His name is Hwang Yung Fung. Hwang Yung Fung. Sounds like a guy. Hwang Yung Fung. Easy. And he's from China. And he is. He is the lady. Pull it together. I'm sorry. Say it. Come on, Sienna. You're supposed to deliver the news in a clear, concise manner. Wang Young Fun is 84, from China. He's the latest person. In fact, there was someone before him to report an unusual growth protruding from his head. Wang Young Fun has a horn. Like a unicorn. Yes. Apparently, rhinos, bulls, unicorns aren't the only ones with horns. Now, people have them because Wang Young Fun has a horn, and it has reached the link of...
The length of three inches. How? Well, I don't know. It began as a small bump. He said he tried to pick at it. Of course it did. It didn't begin as a three-inch horn. It had to start somewhere. Wake up one day. He tried picking at it. Oh, God. So would I. So would you. A hundred. He even tried filing it. I just got dizzy. I just got dizzy. Now you know why I'm having a hard time telling this story. How about just go to the doctor? Hold me. Oh my gosh, he tried filing it. He tried filing it. To sharpen that thing. Babe, babe, babe, babe. Where is our horn file? I just went to the bathroom. I have a nail file? No, babe. In an emery board? No, our horn filer.
It's not working. It's not working. It's not working? It's not working. Well. It's not working. Try again. It's still there. Let me get really in there. Hold on. My horn is still there. Damn it. I'm going to get the one from the garage. The big horn file. Wang. Yeah. Wang, young, fun. Come to my office, please. Thanks for waiting so long. It took forever for you to carry me in. I know. I'm very busy. Very busy. I have some bad news. You may want to sit down. Okay. I'll sit down. I'm sitting now. You're sitting, yes. You have a giant horn growing from your forehead. It is not a giant. Well, it's three inches. That does not constitute a giant. It's the same size as your wiener. Who the hell is that? So, here's the thing. Who is that? That's my nurse. Sorry. I've never seen anything like this before. No, nobody has. Be professional. I don't. Why does she have a big smile? Can I just take a quick picture with my phone? No, you cannot take a picture. It's for a medical journal. Put this on Facebook. It's for a medical journal that we're doing. Go ahead and get the picture. Okay, good. No more, please. Okay, it's for a journal, so don't worry about that.
I said. Just one more. The lighting was bad. I need you. Here's what I need from you. I need you to get your affairs in order. Number one. I need you to get your affairs in order. You're not going to die. You're not going to die. But here's the thing. Nobody's going to want to see you or hang out with you. So you're going to have to go into seclusion and hiding. You have a horn. And nobody's going to hang out with you. I have a pen. What's your plan? He needs a pen? No, it's a plan. That's his plan. I don't need that. Can you ask her to stop updating her Facebook? She's updating her Facebook. I got 37 likes already. That's neither here nor there. My plan is to wear a baseball cap. You can wear a baseball cap. You can't wear one backwards. It goes right through the hole. I'm telling you. You will never see a naked woman again. Please, no. You're never going to see a naked woman again. Should I give him a little charity case? Give him one last taste. But I'm telling you, get used to going to war by yourself because it's not going to happen for you anymore. I'm sorry. It's a medical term. That is the most inappropriate thing that a medical physician has ever said to me. Well, I like to tell it like it is.
This is the saddest moment of my life. I'm sorry. And that broad is over there. Updating her Facebook. I'm putting it on Twitter now. You're putting it on Twitter now. Yeah. We've never seen anything like that. And frankly, I really don't want to look at it anymore again. So if you could get the hell out of here, that'd be great. You are sitting down behind your desk. Yes. And she is leaning against your desk. updating her on Facebook. What's your Facebook name so I can tag you? Is it just Hwang? No, my Facebook name is Hwang. Hwang. My Hwang. My Hwang. You're both a couple of crowns. That's true. Freaking crowns. That's true. I may want to buy a crown. Get the hell out of my office, please. So wrong, sir. Can I tell you guys that this wasn't the first case? In fact... Sure it was. 101-year-old Zang Ruffwang. Another flying? Jay, I need that isolated piece. Please, please, please. I need that isolated. She had a two-and-a-half-inch horn. And also in 2007, 93-year-old Mazang Nan had a nine-inch horn. Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry, that was a four. I got ahead of myself. By the way, you can't actually mount that.
Unless the horn grows to nine inches long. Otherwise, you're not allowed to tag him. You're not allowed to bag him. You can't take him. Yeah, you can't put it on the wall. Yeah, you can't put it on the wall. Never mind. And last, 94-year-old Xiu Ling had a six-and-a-half-inch horn. Wow, that's big. Kind of the king of the horn heads. Yeah. Thought it was a pimple. It began to grow. Six inches. This guy was pretty popular with the ladies. That's just disgusting. Do you guys want to see a picture? Of course I do. Of course. This is just the two and a half one. How am I supposed to say no? This is just a two and a half inch horn. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh! That's a horn horn. It's like a devil horn. It's got a point. Well, what do you think it is? I said a horn. I thought it was something different than an actual horn. It's a horn. It's a horn. I thought it was a nub. You guys, that's the two and a half inch one. There's a six and a half inch one. She's 101. She's like... Whatever. I got a horn. What am I going to do? I'm not going clubbing. Yeah, I'm not going clubbing. It's not like I'm going to. I'm not making love to anybody. It's going to really affect her Match.com profile. I'm not going to Stingery tonight. She puts her hand over it like this in her Match.com picture. When people meet her, they're like, whoa, wait. I didn't sign up for the horn.
I thought I mentioned the horn. Your profile picture does not have a horn in it. No, no, no. It does. I did not mention horn. I didn't see it on there. When we talk the first time, I thought I said to you. No, you said you were horny. I didn't take it that way. I didn't say that, but I meant I have a horn. I thought it meant you wanted to sleep with me. No. It meant I have horn growing from Florida. Disgusting. The black. What do you do that you know? You know. It ain't right, but you do it. Woods has a doozy. Really? Yeah, really. That's the worst one ever. Let's get out the marinade. Let's get out the spices. Let's rub me down. I already have it. Grease me up. You said it. You said it. 5701-949 if you have one. How you doing? My name is Mikey. I'm the host of The Mikey Show, and I'm 40 years of age, and I've got on thermal long john top right now. Looks sharp. Thank you, buddy. You bet.
That's my friend Woodsy sitting across from me. He's 35. He's a handsome cat. Sitting next to him is Lauren O'Brien. She's our assistant producer. She's a blonde girl, 30 years of age. Sienna's sitting over to my left. She does news for us. She's 25. Jay used to ride horseback with a couple of members of the Civil War. With General Robert E. Lee. General Robert E. Lee. I think he did Paul Revere's job before Paul Revere. That's right. Hear ye, hear ye. He actually retired to work at KRBE in Houston, and that's when Paul Revere took over. Actually, Jason. Hear ye, hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. The red coat is coming. Jay rings a bell. Wow, that's so funny. And our phone screener is Chris. Chris. Jay does a thing where instead of saying Don Knotts, he will say Don Knox. Instead of saying Woods, he'll say Wood. This morning, I made the joke, I put the new Britney Spears up for you.
He loves to leave off a letter bit. He does. Or change one. Or change one up. He said something about hot tube the other day. Hot tube? Yeah. Get in your hot tube. 5701949. What do you do that you know is wrong, but you do it? God bless. Woods is that... Oh, God, really? You start with me? You're going to start with that one? That's a big one. Is it? It's just been a few times. Oh, I'm a dead man. It's awful. It is awful. I'll admit it. That's really bad. What do you do? I have, before, it's not something I do regularly, I have parked in a handicapped spot and run into a store and run out real quick. No. People just wreck their cars. Yes, I've done it. No, no. I've done it. Monster! It's a big no-no. And a huge ticket. Great. What keeps you from doing it? Now? What? does not keep you from doing that. There's no other parking. Oh, there's no other parking. Close, yeah. Close. No, no other parking. Don't attack Jay. You're a guy who could afford to hike a little bit on the way to the store. Really? I'll give it right back. I'll give it back to him. Do you just park there or do you have some sort of fake?
Placard? Jamie and I might have had a fake placard in Texas that M1 Hawk now has. I hear through the grapevine that M1 Hawk now keeps in his car. So hey, learn from my dad. I knew people that did that in college and stuff. I was like, you're a monster. So if the placard's there, am I okay? No. Legally you are. Here's what we do with the placard. My mom and dad have a placard that they actually have. Rebecca's mom has a placard that she actually has. And so if we go anywhere together, like if we drive, we'll use it. Right. If you're going to drive because she's getting out of your car. Yeah. But we have never used it like on our own. Okay. But if we. Yeah. I did something pretty bad too though. What? When I was like in ninth grade, I went with a couple of friends to Disneyland and I didn't do it, but I was part of it. What? My friend may have. acted like she was injured to get a wheelchair to get to the front of the line. I've heard that. Oh yeah, I've heard that one too. I've heard that bit a lot. No, I don't have a problem with that. So you don't have a problem with that? Faking being a handicapped person? I wouldn't go. Because he's done it. I've done it. So what's the difference in what I did? Jay pretended to be blind so he could bring his dog into the store before. Yes. He did. The dog would have been hot outside.
You pretended to need a wheelchair. No, no, I pretended to be blind. And I didn't really... We just said, though, she just told the story about... I have no problem with that. We got to the front of the line every time. Of course you did. You were a quote-unquote handicapped person. Well, I was with a handicapped person. Were they were handicapped? No. No, they were making. She limped. Okay, so I run into 7-Eleven to get a can of snuff. Same thing. For 30 seconds. Same thing. No, not to me. Terrible. Mine's worse. Yours is horrible because the handicapped person actually pulls up and then they have no place to park. They can wait five minutes. Oh, they can wait. Oh, man. Monster with fangs. Whatever. You guys all do stuff, too. You use the handicapped bathroom. I do that all the time. I always do that. What's the difference? What if the handicapped guy's got to poop? Okay. And Mikey's in there playing on his iPhone for 30 minutes. I've never. I've never walked out of the handicapped stall and had a guy sitting there in a wheelchair like, thanks a lot, buddy. Fair enough. I've never walked out and seen a handicapped guy in a car waiting to park. I have. What? In the bathroom. L.O.B. I used to not even consider it. I was just like, oh, it's just bigger in there and that way a handicapped person can fit in there if they need to. But I didn't know that you were supposed to kind of reserve it.
I came out of the mall one time and I heard like commotion in the stall next to me. And then I saw the walker. And you were in the tiny stall. You were in the handicap one? I'm in the handicap one. And then I saw the woman's old little husband waiting for her outside. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. You want to kill yourself. Oh my gosh. Never again. That would get me. I would start crying. The day I see a handicapped guy waiting for the spot, I'll stop. He's driving around in circles waiting for you. Not really at a 7-Eleven parking lot. You're not really driving around in circles. Where's he going to go then? They don't have a handicap at a 7-Eleven parking lot. No, they don't. Yes, they do. I go to 7-Eleven every day. There's like three handicapped spots. They have to have it. You have to. What? You have to have it. The day I walk out and see a handicapped guy like, hey, pal, you parked my spot. I'll be like, my bad, dude. Won't do it again. Or the day I get a ticket. And let me tell you something. I can guarantee this. I would put so much money on the fact that what I'm about to say is true. If somebody were to give Woods lip, he would get so pissed. Not a handicapped guy. If somebody was like, excuse me, my grandfather is handicapped and you're parked in that spot, Woods would be like,
shove it up your bubble. Keep your eyes on your own paper, pal. Yeah, if some tattletale did it, I'd be mad. But leave me alone. Worry about your own stuff. You're not perfect. He is worried about my grandpa. Is your grandpa with you? No, he isn't. But his grandpa frequently goes to the 7-Eleven. Great. When I see him, I'll move my car. He knows that his grandpa is stubborn and he'll park in one of the farther spots and possibly hurt himself. You're quick-witted and you're quick. I would... Back and forth with you. Thanks for making the world a better place, pal. Hey, man, why don't you keep your eyes in your own paper, pal? Hey, why don't you not park in the handicapped spot? Why don't you worry about what's on your plate before eating what's on mine? It's not all about you. Yeah, it's not all about you either. Happy birthday. Be different. Yeah. Your be different bracelets just burst into flames. Maybe I just knuckle sandwich. You've pretended to be blind. You've faked handicapped to get the front line. How did that hurt anybody? I've never faked handicapped. How does it hurt people? How about people like me that have to wait in line because I'm honest and I'm not trying to act like a handicapped guy? You didn't have to wait in line for me. I just had to bring my dog into a restaurant because it was the middle of summer. Do you know that some people will take...
a parking ticket and stick it on their car so that they can park in places where the cop will come along and be like, oh, he's already been ticketed. I've seen it and it's brilliant. It is brilliant. I might save the next ticket I get, inevitable ticket that I get. It's brilliant. It's so brilliant. I'll try it. It's so bad. Sticking it to the man. They stick it to us plenty, pal. Yeah, it's true. Fight the power. Sticking it. Yes. To the man. Yes. Well said. So you don't think the cops who do, they normally do the same beat, they'd come along and go, hey, look, this moron thinks he can leave. Right. Oh, they probably would. I'm going to triple ticket this guy. Exactly. Because he's usually a meter maid. They're like assigned to a particular area. And they're like, wait a minute, I didn't tag that. They just circle and circle. How are you sticking to the man? You're sticking to the man. Get him back. They get you plenty on your taxes and all kinds of stuff. With everything. Any chance they can. They can get you with. They're going to get you with. This is one little way to say, you know what? I'm fighting. I'm fighting against the machine. I'm raging against the machine. I'm breaking along. I have another way I stick it to the man. Oh. I ask for a water cup. Yeah. What do you mean? I'll get a squirt of lemonade in my water. Me too. Yeah. Thieves. You're thieving. You're thieves. I know. But I've worked at plenty of restaurants to know that it costs pennies.
to give a soda away. And they're making such a high margin on the beverages. Your favorite band is Thievery Corporation. Thievery Corporation. Yeah. Den of Thieves. It is. Den of Thieves. I like the movie Robin Hood. Thieve master. I steal from the rich and give to the poor. Do you give to the poor? Yourself, okay. Myself. You're a thief mistress. I know that I do it. But they give you the clear cup. Oh, you can put lemonade. I take my chances. I do mostly water and just a squirt of lemonade. Knowing you the way that I know you. If somebody walked up to you and said, excuse me, you would want to die. I would. I'd pull the old, oops, I must have hit the wrong button. Really? I can't see. I'm old. Because water, the water is always on the lemonade. It surely is. Water's always on the lemonade. Matt's worse. Matt will get the Sprite. And I'm like, you're not fooling anyone with the bubbles. Oh, wow. Thieves. I don't even do that. I pay for it because I'm not cheap. I would go back for the refill when you're not supposed to because then I at least have the cup that's for a drink. See, I'm terrified of that because you get the eyes, the judging eyes. I don't care about those eyes. Holy cow. You should care. Places like Chipotle, they give you their cup and then they're on to their next. They're not going to watch you as you go. That doesn't mean. And that's their employees. They don't really care anyway. Yeah, they don't care. What if their back's turned? Can you just take money out of the register? Yeah. It's no big deal. Why not? Why not?
You know what, money? I want a delicious burst of lemon. Yeah. And that's it. Squeeze a lemon in there. How about take the convenience of a straw home, too? Like four or five or six. Yeah, why not? They're complimentary. Oh, my gosh. I do that. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I don't, but I would. The Taco Bell hot sauce, I just load up on that. I have ketchup packets in my drawer at home. So what? I didn't pay for that. Those $5 bills, those complimentary ones sitting in the... That chip jar? Yeah. You just reach right in and grab whatever you want. I've been known when we're going to go... camping, we forgot forks, I would grab a whole big thing of forks. Yeah, they're complimentary. And I'm the monster. It's their complimentary. They put it there as a convenience to say, you know what? We make enough money. Have some of ours. Have some of our forks. Have some of ours. Stick it to the man. These forks don't cost so much. It doesn't bother me sticking it to the law. It bothers me sticking it to restaurant owners. I pay for everything in a restaurant. I would never do that. In a small, maybe like mom and pop place. I wouldn't. But a big, giant corporation.
Give me your napkins. I need some from my car. Oh, my gosh. Is it bad when you stay in a hotel and you take all the samples you can get that are in the bathroom? No, I do that. No, because those are meant to be used. Yeah, they're there for you. What if you don't use them, Mike? What if you also take them from the maid's cart in the hall? I've done that. Oh, my gosh. What about stealing a robe? Yeah. What? Hey. It's a big corporation. You guys keep your hands off the goods. A big corporation. I do something. Okay. I don't do it that much anymore, but I used to do it more. I would get something, and if I was like, I knew I was just going to wear a shawl for the night, like I needed it for a wedding or something like that. A shawl? Yeah, like something like a... A shawl? A shawl. Come on, Jay. A shawl. It's a shawl! Yeah, listen to who's talking. A stole. I would wear, I would keep the tag on it, because I'm like, I'm not wearing it. Lauren O'Brien! I don't do it as much anymore. You would take it back. As much? You would take it back. You are ill cheapo. You would take it back? I can't remember the last time I did it, but sometimes, and sometimes I'm not sure on something, so I'll wear it out, and I want to see what my... This is what I'm curious. And please, there is no judgment here. I am asking a question. I just want an honest answer. How come there's not something that goes, oh, I can't do that. It's wrong. Because you have the right to return things if you don't like it. After you wear it.
You like it because you bought it. You like it. No, I didn't like it. I'm not sure of it. Why'd you buy it? I buy it with the intention of having 30 days to make up my mind. Oh my gosh. Sometimes I get lazy. I don't want to try things on in the store. So I'm like, I'll just buy it and if it didn't fit, I'll just return it. After I wear it out for a night. I don't usually do that, but I've done that where I have to go to like a wedding and I don't have anything like that matches my dress. Can you imagine how many things are sitting on a rack? Dude. Been worn by people too. Isn't that gross? You should be washing them before you wear them anyway. I don't. People try them on. This smells like BO. Weird. Bro, I worked at Banana Republic and a girl, that was her bitch. She used to do it all the time. She used to come in and buy an outfit, wear it out in Dallas, go out clubbing, come back and... Two days later, it would smell like cigarettes and perfume. And she'd be like, I need to return this. Why? And see, at Banana, you don't even have to have the tags. No. You can return stuff if it has. I remember I used to have those special edition Gap jeans, which Gap is owned by the same company, Banana Republic. And if they got holes in them, it was like, hey, I bought these.
Nine months ago, give me a new pair. And they will. I can't do it because if I do, I've decided that I'm saying something about myself. I'm a thief and I'm saying it. I'm like, well, I am and that's the deal. Well, they do it at Nordstrom, too. They keep track of you if you return stuff too much. They have a whole list. That's why they ask for your ID. Can you imagine where they're like, sorry, you've returned 18 things online? Yeah, they do. They maybe sell something better that doesn't get holes in it. I would only return stuff if it had holes in it. You would not. No, I wouldn't. Stuff from, if I had worn something like for six months and then I would never bring it back. No, but you've worn something to a wedding. For a night. Yep. And someone bought that and wore it. And owes it. Not knowing it had your smell on it. Yeah. It's all Lauren. I give it the sniff test. It's all Lauren-rific. If it smells too much Lauren, I won't take it back. If it smells too much Lauren, you said? Worn. Oh, got it. Yeah, but if it's something like a shawl, that needs to be dry cleaned. So you have to buy something, then dry clean it? No, I didn't yuck it up enough. Oh, my. She's like, no. I'm like little dainty flowers. Plus, I haven't done it in a long time. Mikey Show, hello. Hey, Mikey. It's N1 Servant Warrior. What's up? Hey, I totally get both Woods and Jay doing their bit. Because, you know, I understand it's a hassle. But I'm actually blind. You knew it was coming, Woods. I knew it was coming.
Get him. All right. Now, here's the deal. I'm actually going to pick on Woods first. Perfect. Because it actually has more of an impact. Plus, I think the first time I called into the new cast, I was giving him credit for not picking up his dog poop. That's right. I remember that. That's right. Let's talk more about that. Can I just say that I love you? First of all. Best friends. For real. Likewise. Anyway. Likewise. We live in San Diego. Yes. And obviously, I'm not driving. Right. My wife does. And we park at a... We go to a... Parking lot, and it's super, super hot, and I got my guide dog with me. And I figured having that dog walk on the hot, steaming hot, frying pan hot. I can see on Woods' face. He's getting me double. He's getting me with the dog and the blindness. I'm picking on Woods first. And so he's walking across the parking lot there, and there's Mr. Homeboy over there with his Mazda RX-7. Chevy Suburban.
And he's sitting there, and he comes back out, and he's had his hot girlfriend waiting in the car for him. He comes back out, and he's like, you know, no handicap placard. So all I'm saying is there are some people who kind of, and even if you don't care about people, because I know you care about dogs, man, just kind of be aware, at least in the hot sun. I do care about people, and I will. I'm not, you know, I know I'm not on trial, but I will say, I will say. that the only place that I've ever parked in a handicap spot is like a 7-Eleven. I've never done it at a mall. I've never done it at a grocery store. It doesn't make it any better. I know. Because I never go to 7-Eleven when it's hot in the middle of the summer. But you know what I mean. And it's only for a couple minutes. And I won't do it anymore. And I won't do it anymore. That's nice. That's good. What? I won't. I won't. That's terrible. I'm not going to. All right. Thank you for the call. I appreciate it, Sir Warrior. He was about to get on Jay. Oh, yeah. The point was made. Was it? I felt like the point was me. Jay's faking blindness, and he's blind. He did it at one time. You've got to say this, though. I never told anybody I was blind. That's true. I just put a strap around my dog and did it like... Tended like he didn't know where he was. So if I parked in a handicapped spot and faked like I was handicapped, by that logic, it'd be okay. No, because you don't have a right certificate. But if I had the certificate, which we do own, then it would be okay. I'll tell you what. This is what I thought was interesting.
The topic came up one time because Jake is autistic. He gets to go to the front of the line. Yeah. There are people that will get mad at you. Oh, yeah. Even then, even when it's OK, there are still people that will be mad at you for doing. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, you know, I don't see why he should get to go to the front of the line. And you're like, well, he's autistic. And they're like. Yeah. People will still get mad. Yeah. I have a sister with Down syndrome. She's, you know, mentally disabled. And everyone, when I said I was taking her to Disneyland, I was like, oh, you should definitely talk to them about getting in the front of the line, you know, because she gets really volatile sometimes. She's fed up with the situation. Like waiting and stuff. Yeah. And I wouldn't do it because I was afraid of that. The judging. Really? Oh, look at you guys. She's not in a wheelchair. Does she need to get to the front line? Oh, man. Yeah, it doesn't bother me. And you know how you do it? You got to walk. The way that you do it is you walk through the exit. It's where everybody's exiting. That's where we go in.
And so a lot of times people are looking at you like, what are you doing? You're walking through the exit. Yeah, in through the outdoor, pal. That's better, though, because they're already done with the ride and not judging you the whole time. But a lot of times you'll get up there and you've got to wait one cycle. And so some people are looking at you like, why are you getting on? Where'd you come from? What, are you friends with this guy? VIP? I bet if they knew why you're up there, they'd be less judging. Let's see. M1. Laura is on the line. Are you there, Laura? I'm here. Go ahead. I did the most despicable thing at Disneyland, and I rented a wheelchair, strapped on a Velcro boot, and my friend basically, oh, I took my two kids, so that's the most redeeming thing about it. But I did get pushed around for an entire day, and we entered the exit. I felt pretty crappy, to be honest with you, but, I mean, it was worth it for my kids. It was worth it. It was not. Oh, my gosh. Got on every ride. Yeah, Beats waiting in line. Kids in line. It's not fun. Why don't we all just do it, then? Oh, my gosh. We're all despicable. Ten rides in, like, two hours. Thank you for the call. Ten rides in two hours. Hey, M1 Daniel from San Diego, you there? Yeah. What were you calling? Tell us.
Just calling to let you know that the Verizon iPhone is going to be coming out next month. And it's 100% official now that they announced it at the CES meeting. iPhone is coming to Verizon officially. Finally. At the end of the month. Yeah. Wow. Next month. Next month. Wow. Next February. Unbelievable. They announced it at CES. Yeah. Well, you got to go to macrumors.com and it'll lead you to a couple. Is it official, though? Is this official? It's 100% official. It's an official fake announcement. It's an official rumor. It's an official alleged rumor. If you go to their website, they'll lead you to five different people that are in the meeting right now that are Twittering all the information on what's coming out.
sending pictures of, like, you know, all the stuff that's going on still. I want to hear Joe Verizon say the iPhone is coming out. The can you hear me now guy. Yeah. Just go there right now. It'll show you. I mean, of course, you know, this is a max rumor. It's not. I guarantee you. All right. Thank you, dude. We appreciate it. There you go. Go to TMZ.com to find that. Let's see. There's a very famous actress that doesn't. All of us know. Who she is. Very, very famous actress. And this actress does not have the internet or a computer. And when I tell you who it is, I want you to ask yourself, am I surprised? Does that surprise me? Tell you next. So, you know, what's going on in news? Have you guys seen the brand new California driver's licenses? No. I own one. Yep. I have one, too. Well, people are freaking out because, you know, if they need a new license, it's taking a lot longer for them to get their license in the mail.
And it's because how crazy these new California driver's licenses are. It's taking up to at least six weeks. That's how long the delay is until you get yours in the mail because the vendor is struggling with color accuracy. And there's raised lettering in the positioning of images with California icons. So that people can't use fake IDs. Exactly. Like your signature on your license. on the new ones is now raised. Oh, wow. And your birth date is the numbers is raised across your picture. I mean, it's really... Pretty high tech. Yeah, so it's taken a lot longer to get these. So if you're waiting, just know that's normal. Also, homeless will now have a place for them to put their stuff. Downtown San Diego, it's been a problem for years. Homeless leaving their stuff, sleeping bags, whatever, just on the street during the day. And it's, you know, in the way of the sidewalk. So now there's going to be an area, a storage facility with more than 500 bins. For them to put their stuff, which is great. Great for them, too, because stuff gets stolen. And like I said, it's in the way on the sidewalks and stuff. So it's a win-win. There you go. By the way, just went to Apple.com. Of course you did. And it says iPhone 4 available on Verizon February 10th. Oh, my God. Yeah. Pretty big news for the Verizon folks. We're going to take a day off. You really would be in line for it, L.B.? She should.
I got a couple of inns. Yeah, I'll do a man on the street. LLB, I got a couple of inns. We might be okay. Let me tell you something. Hey, Woodsy, I know about those inns. They can't do anything? Yeah, they'll lose their jobs. They will tell you, dude, this is so on lockdown. The Apple people are crazy. Get them at the Verizon store, no? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can get them at the Verizon store. That's where I got the inns at. That's where I was trying to do it. Yeah, that's where I got the inns at. If you do it. I will crown you King Furtada. Tipsy Crows, make that right. All right. If you can get it done. I'll get it done. What's going on in sports? Well, the weekend holds some really, really fun games I'm looking forward to. The Baltimore Ravens are traveling to Pittsburgh to take on the Steelers. That game is Saturday at 1.30 our time. In the NFC, the Falcons will host the Packers on Saturday at 5 our time. The Bears will host the Seahawks. at 10 a.m. on Sunday. And the Jets, the big game, will go to Foxboro to take on the Patriots at 1.30 on Sunday. So a whole slate of games Saturday and Sunday. I cannot wait. Is that it? And Jason Bartlett and the San Diego Padres, he's a shortstop, came over from the Rays. They finalized a deal, $11 million for two years. And I think he's a really good pickup. He had a down year last year. He's going to be a good player here. Feast on that.
Yes. You know, it's kind of, there's a, let's say you made a cake, okay? And in said cake, you put just a dash of cinnamon in the batter, okay? There's just a dash of scary in this, for me. More than a dash. Like a full tablespoon? Yeah, it's a full tablespoon. It's a cup. He put a cup of cinnamon in the batter. No. Really? Yeah. I thought it was just me. This would be a good song to be playing, like a very paradoxical song, maybe, to be playing during a murder scene or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quentin Tarantino. Yeah. Tarantino would do that. I can see that. Like a guy's getting mugged in Las Vegas, and he would play this. Just a guy getting the crap. Yeah. In slow motion. And the song's playing. And this is playing in the background. Oh, ominous.
Nothing creepier. There is nothing creepier. In fact, my wife said that this is, she said, out of all the things that got her in the movie Kill Bill, probably nothing got her more than Daryl Hannah walking down the hallway with a patch over her eyes and nerves ready to kill somebody as this played in the background. It's one of the creepiest pieces of music ever. It's called Twisted Nerve, and about three-quarters of the way through this minute-and-a-half song, it takes a little bit of a turn. I feel everything's fine. In fact, keys have changed in such a way that I think everything is not only fine, but actually really, really good. This is wonderful. I've never experienced such joy, pleasure, delight. What a benevolent moment. Tarantino's a genius.
Petrifying. Tarantino's a genius. I'm going to picture that when I walk out into my garage every morning. Me too. That's what I'm saying. Down the hallway to get ice in a hotel. Yeah. The one on your floor is broken. Oh, gosh. That's great. Down the floor. When you're parked a mile away and it's 2 a.m. in the morning and you're leaving by yourself. Why do you do this? I know. We got emails from people going, can you quit freaking me home? Let's see. Tonight's 8 o'clock album. Alice Cooper. Thanks, Garrett. Love it to death is the album. So what actress does not have a computer or the internet? Will it surprise you that she does not have a computer or the internet? Well known? Very well known. Can we guess?
Yeah, go ahead. Betty White. Oh, that was my guess. Please don't say Anne Hathaway. It is not Anne Hathaway. But I will tell you this. You're closer by guessing Anne Hathaway than you are by guessing Betty White. Shocking. Natalie Portman. Nope. Jennifer Aniston. No. Oh, come on. I don't know. I thought weird. She's trolling for dudes. That's true. Kimber Diaz? Hot. Hot or not. In my opinion, see, you guys are going to project her personality onto her appearance. So you'll go, ew. But if you actually, if you're having... No. Winona Ryder. Correct. Yeah! Winona Ryder. Yes, she's hot. You don't have a computer. You know nothing about it. You were afraid of the internet. What? I thought I might steal it. My dad has a computer. My friends have computers. And I did have a laptop that I barely used for a while. And, you know, it's the whole thing of the Googling, which is very terrifying to me because I have this fear that I'm going to be trying to find out, you know, what movie is playing at what theater. And then I'm going to suddenly be a member of Al-Qaeda.
Al-Qaeda. It doesn't work like that. Tomato, tomato. It doesn't work like that. We're a button away from joining Al-Qaeda. Her and I wouldn't be good friends. Why? Because I wouldn't be good friends. I couldn't be good friends with somebody that didn't have a computer or the internet. That's a true statement. We just wouldn't be good friends. We wouldn't have enough in common. I wouldn't be able to reach her phone or him. Hey, you want to go to dinner? Nah, I can't. Can you get an email, please? I have yellow pages. Yeah, I don't want the yellow. No, no, no. I have a coupon. No, no, no, no, no. I'll steal it. Don't steal anymore. Let me email you. I like her. Her voice scares me. It's like a little girl mixed with an old lady. I hear that song you just played and then her voice. I'm like, mash up. They all go together? They do. Try and play them both at the same time. Mash it up. She's a cutie.
But I know you don't have a computer. You know nothing about it. You were afraid of the internet. What? I mean, I had, my dad has a computer. My friends have computers. And I did have a laptop. Sounds like an angel. No. My dad. She's all vulnerable and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? More broken. Yeah, broken. One of those people that would just snap on you. I have this fear that I'm going to be trying to find out. She's all insecure. She's taking advantage of her real good. She's talking to doing stuff she didn't really want to do. She would slit your throat. She would slit your throat. You could leave her and just cry. You just find her at home playing in blood. What happened? I don't know. I don't know. There was a guy and now there's not. Oh yeah. There was a guy. And now there's not. Her room would be in the basement just because she likes it down there. No. Foxy. Foxy mama. She's a great actress. She was really good in Girl Interrupted. You wake up. The song's playing. She's an inch from your face. She's staring at you. Good morning. I made blood clot pancakes.
I bet she likes to drink the blood that's in the cow milk. Oh, my God. She loves it. No. I bet she's a vegetarian. She's one of those people. Oh, you know she's a vegetarian. Easy Angelina. You can't wear blood, I don't think. Angelina. You put it in a vial. Okay. You're like, I don't want you to do that. She's like, it's too late. I need your age. Yeah, she shows it to you. She's like, I need you. She has your teeth, just little earrings. Where did you get my teeth? Where did you get my teeth? What is wrong with my mouth? What is wrong with my mouth? Did you make curtains out of my skin? Where's the skin on my arm?
I think you guys have her red all around. Yeah. She's a sweet little angel. Sweet little broken angel. Can you see her in Beetlejuice? Come on. I'm going to make a bracelet out of your nose bones. I'm going to take the bones in your nose and I'm going to make a bracelet. Your cheeks are delicious. I'm serious. Your cheeks absolutely taste delicious. I just ate them. He uses your toenails as sunglasses. Oh, my God. So weird. Where's my top ten? Oh, here we go. Listen to this. This is top ten male bonding activities. Fixing something together. Nope. No. Guys? Absolutely. This is stuff guys like to do together? Real guys. They're talking about real guys. Okay, Jay, you fix stuff with other dudes? Yeah. We just get together. M1 Harold said that's why he wanted to live with Jay. So I go over to my friend's house all the time. He's like, hey, man, I need help. And he's like, I'll come over and help you.
cut a trench of concrete in one of my buddy's driveways during the flooding. That sounds horrible. It sounds awful. I love it. In a moment's notice, I'm ready to go and help. My dad and Todd just the other day put together one of those outdoor heaters. They had a great time doing it. Beers, put it together. Does moving count as fixing? Sounds like a nightmare. No, I'm not a big... I don't like to help you move, but I will. The barber shop. I noticed when I was in the barber shop when we went to... What was it? Something roses. Three roses. coolest place in the world. I enjoyed listening, but I didn't want to participate. I just wanted to listen. It was rad. There's a lot to see there. Playing video games. Oh, yeah. Jay, did you write this list? I did. I would do that. See, guys, this is what men's do. Men's do this. Men? Men's. Men's do this. I would, but I don't. Men's. Men's. I don't like it. Working out. No.
Don't like to talk. Dude, I've told you a million times. No, Frankie. There's nothing that bothers me more than seeing the couple that run together. Oh, dude. I ran with that. Come on. Kim and I were running together. I get it. You're healthy. What? I get it. You guys are perfect. You guys told me not to run alone. Yeah. I get it. You didn't go out parking last night. I'm getting the mail. I'm smoking a cigarette and the hot, young, good-looking couple jogs by. Oh, my God. Dang. Did you see my stock portfolio? You guys are going to go home and make love? Yes. Yes. 100%. As a matter of fact. Yes, and we can do it hour upon hour. We're tantric. They had a nice organic breakfast that morning. They had berries for breakfast. No, you run before you eat breakfast. Sounds like my weekend. They're running, I can't wait to get home and get into that box of mueslix. I just can't wait. I'm just going to kill it. Did you get fresh acai? I just bought a brand new juicer. Oh, and then if I run by myself, then I'm, what an idiot. Why wouldn't she run with somebody?
That's true. What a woman. What a dumb woman. Here's what an argument between that couple sounds like. I thought I told you to go to GNC yesterday. I know. And you didn't, did you? Always about you. It's always about you. You got it all wrong, my friend. What do you guys talk about while you run? I really want to know. I can't talk about it. Anything I would talk to about just... At dinner. Sorry we get off the couch. No. If you can't talk, you're running too fast if you can't talk while you're running. Babe, what do you think of vitamin K? How awkward would the first run be? One of you is faster than the other. You're trying to run faster than you can. The guy definitely doesn't get as good of a workout as the girl. Weird, man. It's a concession, so she doesn't have to run by herself. How about we go get a burger? Maybe get some mace. I always run forward, and then I'll come running back. Yeah, my brother does that. Sprint forward, come back. Come see you. So, yeah, they say working out is something that guys like to do together. That's a male bonding moment. Not me. I like to surf. I think surfing's kind of working out. I like to surf with everybody. Yeah. I love surfing. Dude, how come you don't let me spot you, though? Because I don't need it because I do the circuit training, so I don't need it. What is it? I do a circuit, a big, long circuit. I don't lift heavy weights. That's gay, man. That's fine. Why don't you let me help you out? I don't need it.
You'll get ripped like me. Once I'm shredded, then we can work on building my ball. That's what I'm saying, dude. I'll get you shredded. No, I'll get shredded. I'm going to be shredded. I'm telling you right now, what you need is free weights, bro. No, I don't like them. You need to lay down on a bench. You need to throw up 250. I couldn't do it. Oh, I'll teach you, man. He'll throw up. I'll throw up, yeah, for sure. Number six, going to a strip club. Where is this from? It was really fun in 1990. It was a blast. It was never fun. It was fun in 1990 when I was 18 going to those. That's what I would do. Look at my buddy while some girls dance around my lap. My guy friends must be living in the 90s then. They love it. Number seven, watching the game. I will say this. I don't mind watching a game with a guy if we're talking about the game. Yes. I do not want to talk about. any subject other than the game at any point during the game. So Mike, how'd you come up with Hoyle? Oh my gosh. I'd lose. Do you remember last week that list you guys had? It's really funny. Oh my gosh. You know my bit with games is they have to be a fan of the team.
that I'm watching. They have to. If they're not, it's like a fight will break. Or if they're just neutral, that's okay. No, I don't like neutral guy at my house. When I was little. I like super fans. When I was little, one of my dad's friends came over and he didn't care who won. It was a Chargers game. But to make my dad mad, he rooted for the other team. I don't like that. My dad kicked him out of the house. He's like, get out of my house. Yeah, I would. Yeah, like, Winder and I, my friend Winder's a huge Michigan fan, and he, Notre Dame was playing Michigan. I go, don't come over here. I'm like, you can't come over here. But what if you don't have any particular dog in the fight, but you just want to watch a game with your buddy? Then I'm okay. But if it's one of my teams, I'd rather do it with myself or with my wife. Commercials are for talking. It's also weird. Like, if you don't have a dog in a fight, what are you coming over? Because I want to watch the game. Stay home. We're bros. Are we making love together? We're bros. We're weird bros. Why would you have someone come over and watch Apocalypse Now? Why not just watch it by yourself? That's different. That's entertainment. So is football. It's sports. Oh my. You can't just make up your own rules. It's not like you're rooting for the Viet Cong and I'm rooting for an American Apocalypse Now. You're like, go Viet Cong! No, you're like, why is that guy wearing... Make me insane.
Listen, the only exception I have to that is Super Bowl. Because generally, I don't got a dog in the fight in the Super Bowl. And it's an event, too. It's an event. It's an event. I don't have a dog in the fight. If the Chargers were in the Super Bowl, let's not talk. Let's watch the game. Dude, if the Chargers were in the Super Bowl, there would be no Super Bowl party, I would imagine. I wouldn't want to watch it with a bunch of people. I would want to watch it with Charger fans. I would want to watch it by myself. I love to watch games by myself. Can we chit-chat at your Super Bowl party, Matt? There's Mike. Matt? No, I was going to say, Matt's not going to want to come if he's trying to watch the Steelers and you guys are talking about Hoyle. You're not coming if it's the Steelers, I thought. We were going to do a partial. Anyway, I'm just going to say. If it's the Steelers. I think people should leave Matt alone. Do you guys ever just get out of stuff? I do. I do. Don't you? Yes. If I'm Matt, I'm like, sorry, bud. I'm not coming. I would. He's totally okay with coming, but if there's a revelation that there's going to be chit-chat, you guys are going to be doing bits. 100% we're going to be doing bits. Todd knows. It doesn't matter. He needs to be in the exact same spot where he's watched every single game at the same time with me sitting in a certain spot as well. You know what? I just realized. What? What?
I have to listen to Woods complain the entire halftime show. Yeah, the whole halftime show. Because you know why? The black-eyed turds are performing. Oh, my God. Bro. Really? I'll take the black-eyed turds over. I'll take them over Bruce Springsteen. Well, I don't really like Boss either. And the E Street Band. I would not. I would much prefer Bruce Springsteen. Hey, you think they'll play Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night? Yeah. They're gonna play that new song from Dirty Dancing. No, you know what they're gonna do? I had the time of my life forever. They're gonna do a medley, which is always so rad. Of course they're gonna do a medley. The black-eyed peas. Medley. I can't wait. Dude, what's wrong with the Black Eyed Peas? They're lame. They're so lame. This song is so overplayed. How dare you, Lauren O'Brien? You clean to this in your underwear. No, I don't. I always skip the Black Eyed Peas. Give me Eminem, pal. I liked them before Fergie ruined them. Eminem would be rad. Eminem, I would be on board. No older person is going to be on board with Eminem. My dad's going to be like, who are the Black Eyed Peas? That's okay.
Hey, let's do a montage medley of all of our weak-ass hits. Hey, let's jump up and down, people! Yeah, what's up, people? Where is the Love is a bad song. Yes. What? Yes. I like that song. Dude! What you gonna do with all that junk? That I like. I like the hump song. You would. Honestly, you have to explain to me what's wrong with this. I don't like Fergie. I think she's terrible. Will.i.am is lame now. Lame. I like the black eyed peas. I got a feeling it's overplayed. And I just know that... God, you can do better, man, at the Super Bowl. Give me Pearl Jam, bro. Give me Pearl Jam. No! Give me Pearl Jam. Take away the black eyed peas. Yes, please. Yes, I like them, but I will never publicly say that I like them. I don't like them. Even though when it comes onto my car, I blast it. Never once. If I were to go to your iTunes woods, would I find the black eyed peas? Come here. I'll show you. All right, I believe you. You won't.
I got 5,000 songs. They're not on there. Listen. I got Lady Gaga. I got Katy Perry. I got, you know, crap like that. I got Taylor Swift. I was thinking about the Mikey show yesterday outside of the Mikey show, and I remembered something Jay said. Jay says yesterday, look up right now. Go on my iTunes. You ain't going to find Bon Jovi. You ain't going to find Bon Jovi. Fine. Maybe I won't find Bon Jovi. That doesn't mean you don't like it. I don't like it. There's a lot of stuff that's not on my iTunes that I like. Exactly. It just doesn't happen to be on my iTunes. I've already admitted. Okay. I admitted that I pooped my pants. Why wouldn't I admit that I like the black eyed peas? I have an answer. Okay. Because it's easier for you to admit that you pooped your pants than it is for you to admit. BS. Excuse. BS. Excuse. Gosh. I'm calling BS. Mikey, why can't you accept that people don't like the black-eyed people? Yeah, and Miley Cyrus. Hang on, though. I have sat across from one of the biggest plebeians of all time who has been like, you know what, man? This song is so great. You've really got to listen to it. And then he'll admit to you later. He's like...
Right. I don't really like it. I've already come out of the closet with that. So how do we trust you now? Because if you look, you see Katy Perry, you see Lady Gaga, you see Taylor Swift. I got all tunes by them. The Black Eyed Peas are garbage. They're garbage. Earlier today, you said. The Britney Spears. It's not that bad. The reason that you like Katy Perry is because she's hot. And she's got a good voice. She's got a good voice. Her boobs don't show up in your headphones. Fergie's terrible. That's right. But I like the songs, too. I told you. I have no problem admitting it. What's the difference? Yeah, what's the difference? Garbage. They are garbage. Well, they're playing the halftime show this year. Yeah, and you will hear some complaints. Feast. Here's number eight. To bond with your bros, shoot some hoops. Can't do that. I can do that. Go fishing. Nope. Mikey loves fishing. I like fishing, too. And I've been, like, I've never gone. Yeah, I have. I went deep sea fishing with some buddies. That was cool. Didn't catch anything. Didn't catch anything. Grilling, they say. Grilling with your buddies. Yeah, at a barbecue or something. At a barbecue, the men usually congregate around the grill to get away from the women. I could do that. And then last is grabbing a beer after work. Can't do that either. I don't like that. I'm not talking about the drinking part. I've never liked that. Really? No. I'll tell you what I would do.
I would grab a beer with a girl after work, but I would not like to grab a beer with a guy after work. And the reason is because I can't be myself. What? Because a guy expects you to be very guyish while you're having said beer. And that's not me. For years I pretended to be that, but that's not what I really am. What I really am is a guy that just wants to talk normal. And guys want to talk about balls and they want to talk about cheese. I see guys all the time. They sit at the bar and have their drinks after work. That's what they do. They talk about girls at the bar. I've been in the most uncomfortable conversations with guys where they'll be like, look at those tees. And I'm talking old Mikey. Are they talking about yours? I do it too. I do that. I'm talking about old Mikey. And even old Mikey was like, I feel like a... Like, even having this conversation with you. Like, yeah, dude, look at them. They're pretty big. You should have just been honest and been like, oh, yeah, great. I've never seen those before. I would have had to say. He would have been like, that's not what honest. Yeah, honest would have been. You sound like a douchebag. Yeah. That's what honest would have been. And I would. Oh, my gosh. I would come out of my skin. Oh, my gosh. You have lunch with Woods and Jay. He doesn't say stuff like that. He does to Jay. I do to Jay. Yeah, they do.
I would point him out to Woods and Jay. If it was done funny, it would be fine. If it was done funny. But creepy. Sometimes Woodsy will go, Marron. And that's funny. What's that? He goes, oh, Marron. Oh, Marron. Like a smoking hot girl walks around. He says, oh, Mamacita. That's funny. Mamacita. I do this a bit. But if he, like there's some guys that'll go, those tees. And I'm like, why don't you get back in your van? I feel like I've been at lunch with two of those, and they happen to be on our show. Really? Jay loves this song. I guarantee you. Oh, yeah. He can say every word. Look at his face. You can't not like this song. Of course you can't not. Wow. I don't have a Bon Jovi record on my iTunes, but I like this song. Let's just flash back. If it came on the radio, I would turn it. Yeah, right. Billion, trillion. If we had an 80s party at my house and everyone was drunk and partying, this song would come on. You would be in the middle of the room with me. 100%. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. I say no. Chase! Chase!
I get it. I got a little twang. I may have taken a paper plate with leftovers and put it in my top drawer rather than deal with it before. Wait, what? Food? It didn't stay there long, but... In your office or something? Oh, there, too. Oh, my gosh. Wait. I'm so confused. Rather than deal with it, Sienna. Food? Not long. Like, I'll tell you what. It has to be a particular type of food. Like chips. Like a bag of chips. No. No. Like a paper plate. Like that. That I had a sandwich and, like, chips on it. And I ate the sandwich and there's, like, four or five chips. I may have...
I can't even look at you right now. Why don't you just eat them? Why don't you just leave me alone? That is something. Don't worry. Oh. 100%. Hello. I may have taken dirty clothes and kicked them under the bed. Oh, yeah. All the time. Oh, boy. All the time. Daily. Daily. Daily. Have you ever stashed away? I may have taken a bag of chips and closed it and put it in my sock drawer rather than deal with it. Take it downstairs to the kitchen. Are we talking lazy stuff right now? Yeah. I do plenty. like that. Terrible. What? Terrible. Oh, I eat ice cream in bed and I leave the bowls and sometimes I'll put the bowls in the drawer. Oh my gosh. And then you have to use a putty scraper to get the remnants out. My wife's like, I freaking hate you. I will spot clean. Like if I know someone's coming over and I don't have time to mop, I'll just spot clean the floor. What is that? Like I'll take, I have those Lysol wipes and if I see things that are like dirty, just with a sweep. Rather than vacuum.
Rather than mop. Rather than mop. I hate mop. Do you guys ever use your dishwasher and maybe you don't fill it all the way? You just have a couple dishes and then you run the dishwasher? Oh, yeah. Well, I'll do that. And I may be too lazy to unload the dishwasher. So then I'll wash them again with more dishes. I just remember what I used to do when I was a kid. What? Oh, my gosh. My mom used to leave a lot of chores. She'd be gone for like the entire day and leave it like a list of chores for everyone to do. And I, of course, was a procrastinator. So right before I knew she was going to come home, I would like start to quickly do them all for vacuuming. I used to pick up the obvious things and then because there needed to be vacuum marks, I would take my two fists. and just go across the floor. Oh, and another brick falls. In like diagonal lines. That's even more work. That's more work. It does seem like more work. Because the vacuum would be like upstairs and I have to take it down, bring it down the stairs, plug it in, unwrap the thing, put it back in like a figure eight. I give her credit for, I mean. It's brilliant. Did it work? I would have loved to have seen it. Yes. It did. Yes. Because my mom's, okay, what happened was, she.
The first time, I just picked up a few things. And she was like, did you vacuum? I'm like, yeah. She's like, I don't see the lines. I'm like, ugh. So then I got smart and did the two fists. Two fists across the carpet. A bunch of times. Yeah, a bunch of times. I would go in zigzags on my hands and knees. That is unbelievable. That is unbelievable. When I was a kid, my mom wanted me to vacuum or mop the bathroom. So as a kid, I would use the water in the toilet to mop with. Oh my gosh, that's genius. And disgusting. Instead of getting a bucket. Yeah, I would go get a bucket full of water. That water's clean. I would do it like that, mop around. Mop it. Flush it. Do it again. It's Jesus Day. That's so gross. Every time you flush it, it's fresh water. Did you at least add soap to the toilet bowl? I don't think so. She always said, you do such a good job. And look how I cleaned the toilet because I mopped the toilet as well. Oh, my gosh. That's great. You do such a good job. Bravo. Oh, wow. She's walking in toilet water. I know. I think I do more stuff like that as an adult than I did. Oh, me too. My mom wants, this is pretty funny.
She got grounded and they said, well, you have to paint your room. And she painted. She painted around her dresser. Left the dresser where it was and just painted around it. Like she didn't know any better? No, she knew better. She was lazy. She didn't want to move it. My papa came in and was like, really? With this? He's like, fine. Just go do what you wanted to do. Painted right around it. So if you moved the dresser, there was a big spot. That's funny. Can anybody do that? 5701949. You do any of those little lazy shortcuts? Everyone's done the closet stuff, right? What's that? Where if your parents were to open your closet door, the entire bedroom would have fallen out. Oh, yeah. Or you just throw everything in the closet. My mom would be like, this looks fantastic. And if you would have opened the closet or under the bed. When I was single, I was a slob. Still am, kind of. But when I was single and if I had a girl coming over, you should have seen. You should have seen the things that I did. And I'm talking plates under the sink, like full of food and potatoes. And I mean, I'm like spraying like Lysol real quick. Steven, where do you keep your trash can? Dude. Don't open that. All the clothes in the closet just shoved in, you know, run a quick rag over the bathroom. I mean, you'd petrify because you got a hot girl coming over. Just do it real quick. When I was a bachelor and lived in Carmel Mountain.
I had a really nice apartment, got all this new furniture and stuff. I would polish that place up. Rarely get any action, but I would polish that place up. I remember this girl came over that I really wanted something to happen. And that apartment was so clean. And I got as dolled up as I could possibly get. Is that why you got the nickname Mr. Clean? You have the nickname Mr. Clean? No. I was just trying to make him feel bad about himself. But anyway, she came over. I was all dolled up. And there comes a point in talking to a girl. Woods, you haven't experienced this very often, but I'm sure you've experienced it like maybe twice in your life. There comes a point when you're talking to a girl where you realize it's not going to happen.
Oh, yeah. I've been there many times. I feel bad for the guy when he realizes that it's not going to happen. He's not going to close this. This is not going to be closed. Yeah, and like up until that point in your head, you're like, this might happen. Got a shot. I was pretty sure this might happen. Got a shot. And you're just smiling and you're doing your thing and then you're like, you say something. Yeah. And she just gives that reaction that tells you, uh-oh. Oh, no. Nope. It's not going to happen. The guy looks so deflated. And then all of a sudden he turns mean. Yeah. He's like, all right, if you want to go, then let's get you the hell out of here. Yeah, I'm like, hey, so it's getting late. I don't think I've ever seen the face of them being like, oh. It's because a guy that easy goes. No, Lauren's right. Lauren's right. The guy turns, you get mad. Yeah. Sienna's like, I've never turned anybody down. Well, no, I just, I don't know. I guess I don't remember ever like being alone with a guy that I wasn't interested in. I went on a lot of dates. See, I wasn't a dater. Yeah.
You know what? There were some girls that I remember that they got there undecided. And sometimes it would swing the right way and sometimes it would swing the wrong way. Oh, for sure. But they were undecided. And the times where it swung the wrong way, you see it. It's torture. There's like a moment where you go, oh, no. Maybe get out of here. They say something, too. Sorry. I'm not talking any further than making out, even. I'm just saying. Maybe it's more, but whatever. There just comes a point where you go, oh, no. They're not going to do a thing. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Do you care if I call a cab? Sorry. Oh, God. Wow. That just took me back, man. I'm feeling sick. I don't ever want to be single again. I know. It was the worst. It was so uncomfortable for everyone, but I remember that look of... Do you know how uncomfortable... You probably dealt with this, L.O.B., when the guy is trying to, real smoothly, go to the bedroom. Oh, gosh. Is there anything worse? It's so... And you think you're so smooth. Yeah.
I had an instance with a guy in uniform. He's like, do you want to see my uniform? I'm like, really? Can't bring it out here. I never had a good way. There's not a perfect segue to get from the couch to the bed. There's just not. You have to ask almost. Or if you guys are making out on the couch, you just stand up and grab and lead. There is one great way. There is one great way. Rapist. There's one great way. It happened in the movie The Town. Hey, can I just ask you a favor? My uncle lives right across from here, and he can see everything that's going on. Would you mind if we went to the bedroom? Brilliant. You've got to use comedy. It's comedy is the best way. Comedy. I'm so stupid that I actually thought his uncle lived across the way. But didn't he? Well, I'm not going to. No, he didn't. How about just close business on the couch? Yeah, it's not comfortable. You want to be in your bed, you can move around. Next round. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Well, let's say that you're not making out, okay? And let's say that you want to make out, and you want to make out in the bedroom. Yes. It's just uncomfortable trying to make the transition. Yes. Into a boudoir. Yeah, into a boudoir. Unless you have a roommate. Into my Slayer's lair. Unless you have a roommate. The roommate is...
You're like, hey, my roommate's going to be home. Listen, I'm not a creep. Let's just go to my room. I did not think if you stop, then the moment passes. Just continue. Just continue on the couch. It's so hard to get the moment out. But if you've got a roommate, that's just an easy out. No, but that would make me be like, ew, your roommate's coming back? Maybe we should stop. I have a buddy. It's foolproof for him. He has a four-level townhome. So they start in the garage level. They walk up to the family room. The tour is always key. The tour is not key. No, no. And I'll show you how it works. You go from the living room with the TV. He goes, well, upstairs is my bedroom, but I want to show you the rooftop deck. And they go all the way up to the rooftop deck, and they're looking out over the city. There's a hot tub up there. They do a little smooching. They walk down one level. He's in there. They're in his bedroom. And he's like, come here. Bam. Done. Closed. Well, not everybody has a luxury of a four-level hotel. Yeah, a four-level hotel. So, guys, get a four-level place with a hot tub. Just go to the fourth floor with a hot tub. And work your way down. I think that you should just say you want to watch a movie in the room or something. Or just wait till marriage. Creep, creep, creep. Or just wait till marriage. Yeah, I'm not even talking about sex. I'm talking about making out. Second base. Because you know what, too?
You were talking about the moment stopping. This is when you know that you've got a small window to make it happen. If the girl's like, what time is it anyway? Oh, then you're dead. Where's my phone? You're like, no, don't worry about it. Come here. Well, and see, here's the bad thing, too. Is when you have the one girl who changes her mind. Oh, back and forth, girl? Because the... No, no, no. All right. No. Yes, yes. All right. No. No. You're like, just get out of here, please. Who does that? A lot of girls. Who does that? Who does that? You've never done that? No. You've never changed your mind? I'm either in or out. You've never been like, eh, it's going too far. No, I want to, though. No. No, it's going too far. Really? No. How do you think the kid became such a good salesman? Yeah. Okay. I pretty much was firm on what I knew I was going to be comfortable with that night. Well, Woodsy. Yes. Have you ever had a girl that you... No, you probably never have. Have you ever had a girl that you liked as just a friend? Yes. And she... I slept with her anyway, but yeah. Yeah, I have had that before. Have you ever had...
a girl that she liked you more than you liked her? Yes. Is there anything worse for a guy when they're dealing with what girls deal with all the time? When the girl is making hints and you're not responding to them. Yeah. And they keep making the hints. Yeah. I slept with them anyway. I mean, come on. That's what I did. What do you want? I guess for you to not. Yeah, I did it anyway. I did not. I did. There was never a time where you were like, no, I don't want to. No. Really? I'm not surprised by that. It's like pizza, baby. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. Wow. I'm going to go ahead and vomit and take a break. Hey, welcome back. Looking glass, Randy. That's a good one, isn't it? Yeah.
Fine, girl. Do you want to do some new releases, you guys? Yeah. Okay. Let's see. Where do I got it? There they are. Let's do it. What do we got? British Sea Power, Valhalla Dancehall. Garrett, you're going to do the new releases? Yeah. Our program director Garrett's going to do it. Yeah, Fired Woods. What do you think, Mike? I'm not mad at it. It's got a melody. Might make it a recommended. It's got a melody. I kind of like it. What are they called, Garrett? They're called British Sea Power. I think I like it. The name of the album is called Valhalla Dancehall. There you go. So I'm in Detroit. What else? Great band. KG Elephant, thank you, happy birthday. It was the 8 o'clock album last night. It was. It's great. Tommy's a big fan. Who's Tommy? Tommy, you know, the DJ. The afternoon guy. Yeah, I hired him and fired him. Hired, fired, hired, fired. Hired. Again. Fired? No, he's still here. He's still here.
That was in Seattle. Son of a bitch. I hired him and fired him three times. You told me that before. I did? I think I heard that. Have you? Tell you guys about Philly? Yeah. What else? Cake. Showroom of compassion. Waiting for him to walk in his throat. You're not a big cake guy, are you, Mike? No, I don't really get it. Never really did, did you? That doesn't really surprise me. No. I know you like to eat it. Yeah. I thought you loved cake, Mike. I get it. I get it. It's a fat joke. Like a fat kid likes cake. Garrett, pull yourself together. Garrett, you're supposed to be a professional. It's funny because he's fat. Garrett, finish. Garrett. We don't have all day, Garrett. Garrett, come on. Garrett. Garrett. Garrett, our program. Garrett. Look, Garrett. How about Steel Magnolia? Steel Magnolia. It's self-titled. Janet, something. It's up your alley. Oh, I like it. Yeah.
Sounds like garbage to me. Derek, you shouldn't say that. Next one's Tapes and Tapes, Outside. Tapes and Tapes. It's Tapes and Apostrophe Tapes. Tapes and Tapes. Brilliant name. Great band. I actually never heard of them. Aren't they out of some city in Michigan? Yeah, probably Detroit. Yeah, I have this on vinyl. I bought it at the end. Of course you do. I do too. I have it on tape. Yeah, I have it on Reel to Reel. Why not? What else? Wire, Red Bark Tree. It's Jazz Fusion, Mike. You'll love it. Somebody wake Mikey up. Not a fan. No. We got some DVD new releases, too. Animal Kingdom is out today. That's a DVD called Animal Kingdom? Yes, Animal Kingdom. Alpha and Omega, which is a cartoon. Yes! And the big one.
The Social Network. That's already out? It's on DVD today. And I want to check that out. You haven't seen it yet? No, I haven't seen it. Wow. There's another movie out. It came out last week. It's called Catfish. Oh, I saw that. Is it great? It's out on DVD? It looks great, yeah. You'd love it, Mike. Did you see it? Oh, yeah. It's good. Oh, yeah. I've seen it. It's sad, but it's good. I want to see it. It's unbelievable. What's it about? About two hours. You know, the thing is... Oh, boy. It's a catfish? No, you'll never... You'll keep wondering where the title came from until... Is it LLB? It's fake, right? No, it's supposed to be fake. It's real. It's supposed to be real, but it's fake. No, it's not. It's fake. It's fake. No, LLB. No, it's real. LLB, it's fake. It's real. It's fake. No. LLB. It's like the Joaquin bit. No. Yes. How do you know? Because everybody knows that. Everyone knows it. It's like the Blair Witch Project. No. That was real. Yeah. Catfish isn't real. Catfish isn't real. Oh, then it's not good. Well, it's awesome because it came off as looking good. That's a new thing they're doing.
No, I'm positive. Reality movies that aren't really real, they make them look real. Hey, listen, I think those are rad. When they're able to do them, and they're able to do them good, and they look real, and you think they're real. I thought there were some holes. The Joaquin movie, I'm Still Here, was freaking phenomenal, even though I knew it was a bit. After we found out it was a bit, it was still good. I didn't at first, but once it came out that it was a bit, still saw it, loved it. Once I knew the Joaquin movie was a bit, I thought it was... Terrible. I fell asleep like three times. Really? Horrible. I think it's cool. Horrible. Loved it. If they're able to make it look real, I think it's cool. It didn't look real. It was just a completely self-indulgent, exaggerated, look how crazy I can make myself look. Yeah. I liked it. But then wouldn't you not like Alice in Wonderland? What do you mean? But that's all movies are fake like that. It's not supposed to be a documentary. Yeah, but this was supposed, all it did was make it seem like, oh, Joaquin Phoenix. Oh, I never saw it. Here's Catfish. Catfish is supposed to be a documentary about a guy that meets a girl on the internet, falls in love with her, and then goes to visit her and something real weird happens. It looks really scary. It turns scary. I want to see it. Yeah, but it looks really real, but the thing is, the bit. I see. I still think it's a documentary. It's not. I don't like that either.
You don't like fake documentaries? No. It's a new bit. I want it to be real if I think it's real. You can still use your imagination. There's nothing better than being based on a true story. You're like, oh. There are very few movies that have been, quote unquote, based on a true story that are truly based on a true story. It's always very loosely based. Like the blind side. Yeah. Right. I watched Fourth Kind, which is about... UFOs and it's like they have all this footage and stuff and you're like, oh my gosh, this is real. And then you do a little research and it's not. Yeah, because there's no such thing as aliens. There are. Yes, there are. There's illegal aliens. How do you know? How do you know? We've flown to the moon. Because I know. Oh, you know what? You guys, we didn't even play our new game today. Weren't we supposed to play Pick It Apart today? Yes. Oh, yeah. You guys want to play? Yes. Yeah, let's play it. Pick It Apart. Pick it apart, pick apart a bit of that scene for me. We just pick apart a scene from a movie, that's all. Love it. Today's movie, Castaway. Not a lot of places he can be. It's a volleyball. Where did you last leave the ball you were playing with? You're in a raft, he's in the ocean. But he's got a face. You're talking to a volleyball with a blood face. Yeah. No. I have to pee now. What's the point?
of yelling for Wilson. Is he going to respond? He's not going to come back. He can't yell back. He can't swim. He can bob towards you. Play ball. Wilson! Yes. Wilson! Yes. I'm over here! Sorry. Polo! Now he's in the water. You really going to get off that raft for a volleyball? Yeah, it's his friend. Didn't seem that far to swim to me, but what do I know? You're right. When I saw that, I'm like, why can't he get it? You'll get it. I guess he's tired. He was probably 10 feet from it, maybe. Park is wrapped in handicap. Yeah. No. Maybe he should have faked like he was blind. That doesn't make sense. Don't you ever do that again to me, Wilson. You little volleyball. I'm worried about you. I'll put you in volleyball groundation. Would his face be that perfectly, like... Perfect. With a blood palm. Every finger is on there. Yeah, every finger's on there. How? All perfectly. Yeah. Even the eyes, the smile. Everything. It looks too good. Did he not draw some in? Did he not get some more blood and paint it in? I think he wiped away some for the eyes and the mouth. That's right. He did. It was a perfect print. How did he get all those sticks of hair in without popping the volleyball? It was already popped. He popped it and then he shoved it in there, I think.
No, it was plump. Maybe worry about finding food. Yeah. Maybe get some fish. Maybe draw a big SOS on the beach again. Maybe burn the whole island down so somebody will find you. Maybe don't make a friend. Make a raft. Yes. That's so sad. Maybe make some more rope. What was that? Maybe use Wilson to make a rope. Do you really think you'd go through all this to get back to Helen Hunt? Maybe he broke it. For the record, I would. I would not, for the record. I'd come back for Dairy Queen and Burger King, but I wouldn't come back for Helen Hunt. He loves her. Nothing wrong with Helen Hunt. And how does a port-a-potty get you back there? Yes. The port-a-potty sale. The port-a-potty sale. Really? That's going to work? That's going to catch the wind, pal? That's going to get it. A port-a-freaking-potty? Half of a port-a-potty. Just shows up.
Oh, for goodness sake. He can't respond. He's a volleyball. Maybe worry about getting off the island instead of Wilson. Maybe make a razor. Maybe get back on the last. Maybe fashion a woman if you want a friend. I wonder how many times that guy went to war on that island. That's what I wonder. That's what I wonder. Every day. Do you think he turned Wilson's face away while he did it? Yeah. Don't look at me. Now we know how you popped a volleyball. Mikey, it's okay. It's okay, Mike. Don't panic. Daddy's going to have fun time. Turn away. Wilson, shut up. Wilson, stop looking at me. It's part of human nature. He puts him on the other side of the island. Wilson, you stay here. I'll be right back. Do as I say, Wilson. Not as I do. I'm tired of going to war real good. Shut up. Wilson will go blind. He's like, oh, great. This is fabulous. I noticed at this part of the clip the usage of music as an emotional jihadist. So I find myself ready to cry.
over a volleyball because of music. It's a great loss. Clearly, you can tell by the music. I wanted to throw the popcorn at the screen. It makes me sad. He's like, I'm so sorry. It's like his kid that he can't save. It's a bowl with a leaf wig. Every dude was sitting there with their girlfriend, and their girlfriend was crying their eyes out over Wilson the volleyball. So good. Imagine being the person that found Wilson. What the hell is this? What is this thing? You're like, does this have AIDS on it? I don't even know. Like, oh my gosh. What is this thing? Wilson. This is disgusting. Blood face. Girl, you're looking fine. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. What is this? Jeff Healy. This is a great song. This is a really, truly great song. I want to send a shout out to my beautiful wife, Jamie. Jeff Healy's Angela. Clown like me. When we come back, we'll play you the announcement that figure skater Johnny Weir made yesterday on the Today Show. I always have to look my sick. Vegas Strip. Two friends. $10,000. And one baby.
A heist starring Brad Pitt, Malcolm McDowell, and George Clooney. I had somebody send me a movie script. Did I tell you that? No. Can we read it? Are you going to direct it? Can we act it out on the air, please? I don't think they would want me to do that. If they give you permission, can we act it out? I don't think they're going to give me permission to do that. Are they a listener? Have you read it? Yeah. What did you think? I don't know. Don't you? It's not there yet. Not there yet. Need some work? Need some work. First draft. Are you going to critique it? It's real, too. Like, it's Hollywood. I mean, it's a real Hollywood production. You should put your notes in. Write notes in. You know what I need? I think there's this thing that you can get. I've seen it at the Apple store, but I don't know if it's what I think it is. It's called bamboo, and it's like a pad. And whatever you see on your screen, you can make with your hand. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, you can make notes. That is cool.
There's a proofreading feature in Word. Question. Yeah. Why did they send it to you? Because they're a fan. And they wanted to see what my initial opinion was about a year ago. They value your opinion. Yeah. And I gave a ton of... Feedback? Very thought out feedback. And I didn't hear from them. And now they wrote back and said... And it's becoming a reality, and here's the actors. And there was only one actor that I knew. And the other ones are like up-and-coming actors. And they said, and here's the script, and can you read it? It's on a PDF. And they said, can you read it and tell me what you think? Wow. And I was reading it on my iPhone with my wife at Soup Plantation. The best setting. That's where you're supposed to go, right? Right. And I was instantly going, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. You weren't feeling it. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Or some of the notes that you had put in there, had they been absorbed? Yeah, she said that they took the things that I said in very high regard. And that's why they're sending me this script because they want to see what I thought of the script. That's like kind of an honor. Oh, it's really, really cool. That's badass. Well, the thing was that I said to Rebecca, I go, I said, what do I say? You know, because I didn't care for a lot. Is it dirty? No.
No, no, no. Comedy, drama? Action? It's a drama. It's a drama. And that, if I were to direct film, absolutely would direct drama. And I would want my films to look like the guy that did Babel and did 21 Grams. I would want, because those movies look like documentaries. I would want my movies to look like Arnofsky that did The Wrestling. Oh, yeah. I want them to look like The Wrestler, which looks like a documentary. So badass. I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want any trace of phony fakeness. Ever. I would never want it to look like a movie. Ever. I don't either. I wouldn't have special effects, I don't think. I don't think I'd like it. Well, I mean, if it's a drama, you probably don't need them. But what I'm saying is that every detail to me, and you guys know me, you guys think I'm a perfectionist at any point? Everything needs to be perfect. Can you imagine Mikey directing a movie? Holy smokes. It would take decades. It takes 15 years. Let me tell you. Well, we did a mini, we did a remake of one scene of a movie. It took four hours. And that took all day. Yeah. Francis Ford Coppola, when he made Apocalypse Now, he's watching the making of. Weird. They did this scene that was a plantation scene where they're going down.
And they come to a French plantation. And Coppola wanted the wine to be served at this temperature. He wanted it to be this. He wanted it to be white. It had to be this. It had to be this. It had to be this. All the color palettes had to be like this. Every last detail. And I would love that. I would love that. And I would. put all of my energy into it looking real and being real. And I said to Rebecca, I go, I said, you know what gets me about it? And if the person's listening, I love you and we'll talk about it and don't get upset that I'm revealing this in the air because I had no plan to. But I thought to myself, okay, think of the finest drama you've ever seen. And I don't know what it is. Just think of the best drama you've ever seen.
Does this remind you of that? What's written here? Because that was what I did. I just went, okay, well, what are the best dramas I've ever seen? To me, the best dramas are, I think that Spielberg's made some badass dramas. You haven't watched 21 Grams or Amores Peros. 21 Grams is good. Yeah, and Babble is the worst of them. I know, and I can understand that. Great title for that movie. 21 grams I remember walking out of and I thought I'd gotten kicked in the stomach. Literally felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. And my brother says, well, why do you want to watch a movie like that? That makes you leave feeling... And I said, to me, a movie's a success as long as you feel something. No country for old men. That's a good one. Fantastic. Jamie almost had to leave the theater. She was so nervous. She goes, I cannot watch to see more. Please don't make me stay here. And I was like...
What a home run. It's so good. What about, like, Traffic? Oh, yeah. Traffic was brilliant, man. Great. And see, sometimes there's a lot to do with the actor. Yeah. Because Traffic is Benicio Del Toro. I liked how every scene had a different, like, color tint to it. Yeah. It's phenomenal. Great movies. But, oh, my goodness. I wish that one person, and I actually thought this. I was daydreaming. I was driving by Calle Barcelona as I thought this. Because I always remember where I am at the time I think of something. I thought, if somebody actually offered me the opportunity to direct a film, would I ask the radio station to give me 90 days to make a film? Wow. You couldn't do it. Yeah, you could. You couldn't. Oh, I couldn't. No, you couldn't. You'd have to. Spielberg could. Wow. Coppola probably couldn't. If he had a time limit, he would do it. It would be hard, but he wouldn't sleep. Have you ever watched that? The Greenlight Project? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You would have to have a producer that would just be so on target for you. Is that going to keep you organized? I don't know. I can't do it. That would be a big job, keeping you on track each day. I'll do it. Be awesome, man. Be an awesome experience. The other guy I like is Paul Thomas Anderson, and you watch the making of his movies. First of all, he looks like he's all coked up, which was part of the problem. Probably was. Yeah. There's a book about a bunch of those maverick young directors, and a lot of them were fond of cocaine.
Weird. Keeps you up. But anyway, that guy wasted millions of feet of film. Just millions of feet of film. And then trashed it. He just was like, eh, I don't like it. I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling it. I mean, Boogie Nights is one of the most brilliantly put together movies ever. It's so brilliant. The scenes that are in there that you're like, what twisted mind thinks of this? And it's just... Phenomenal. He wrote it and directed it. Yeah. I've worked on this set of mostly just short films, and it gives me a headache to think of all the stuff that needs to be pieced together and just a complete one scene sometimes from this camera angle, this camera angle. Okay, well, we have to block this and make sure.
You hear them say that all the time. You have to make sure you might film the same scene over six months. You have to make sure people are standing in the exact same spot, that the glue on the counter was in the same spot, the milk is this much full. There's just so many details. I like that, but for me it would be, oh my gosh, I would have in my head what this is going to look like when it's done. And I want to make people bawl their eyes out. Well, and the director does, and that's what everyone on the set is kind of like. But you know that it's right. Right. I could do it with music. I couldn't do it with a movie. I could do the thing where I had 50 songs and I went in with my band and laid them down over and over. I could do that. I would love it. I would hate it and love it. But it wouldn't be a problem because I knew what was going to come out on the other side. With a movie, it would be a train wreck. Hill, if you weren't doing radio, Hillary just came in the studio. If you weren't doing radio, what would be your dream job? Oh, my dream job? Food critic. Really? That would be a pretty cool job. How fun would that be? That would be fun. That would be a pretty cool job. Yeah, to go around. I would be nice to everybody. Eat at all kinds of awesome restaurants. Yeah, there was one in L.A. that was recently the L.A. Times and L.A. Times food critic who'd been there forever.
and apparently was pretty vicious. Some guys opened a new restaurant in L.A. She showed up, and they're always supposed to be, no one's supposed to know what they look like. The chefs, no one is, you know. She showed up to dine there to critique this brand new restaurant, and they knew what she looked like, the chefs and owners. Took her picture and outed her on their blog. Wow. And denied her. Said, nope, you can't eat here. Go away. No way. Posted her picture. And her career is, you know, she can't be a food critic anymore because she's not anonymous. Oh, wow. Huge deal up in L.A. But that would be my dream job because I could just eat the best food. I wonder if she could get them for that. Yeah, I don't know. It just happened. Because, I mean, that's her career. Right. It just happened. So it'll be real interesting. It's already all kinds of people posting on both sides of the issue. Taking her aside. It's fascinating. Wouldn't they want almost to know what she looked like so they could...
Give her like, because in that movie, in the movie, My Best Friend's Wedding, Julia Roberts was a food critic. Love that movie. And when they saw her come, they were all like, oh gosh, oh gosh. And like getting everything ready. Woods, have you ever seen My Best Friend's Wedding? No, I have not. Oh, it's so good. It's a good movie. I know a girl that. Mandate. Mandate written all over it. Yeah. I know a girl that works for City Search here in San Diego and that's her job is like to go to places and find out what's good and what's not. To eat. Everything. Oh, everything. Mystery shopper. She's a mystery shopper. But no, she's not a mystery, though. They know who she is, and so they bring her. every single thing they have to try. Try our dessert. Try this. You're going to want this sauce on it. Try this wine with it. It goes so good. I was like, how are you not 500 pounds? And that's awesome, but that's not the real person's experience. So I think the food critic wants to stay. But she writes about how good it is. I'm sure. That's awesome. Let's see. Hillary, what do you got coming up? Well, I grabbed Two Doors Cinema Club, one of our new recommended albums, Muse.
Silver chair, black keys. Black keys. David Bowie, Edward Sharp. Oh, and I'll give you some Edward Sharp news, too. Nice. Something interesting to see. Lovely and talented Hillary's coming up next, and we will see you again tomorrow morning at 6 o'clock. Mikey shows out late.