The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 01/12/11
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
San Diego sportsovernight fameradio gamesprank callsrelationship boundariespublic etiquettecelebrity gossipsocial mediaparentingmikey showradiocomedy
Brady Hoke left San Diego State for Michigan, while the crew also debated LeBron James's gloating tweet and the risks of turning Ted Williams into an overnight celebrity. The show's strongest comedy came from decoding Will's drunken 'Happy Barry' post, playing Lyrical Chairs, and trapping a confused caller in an Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard prank. Mikey, Sienna, Woods, and Lauren argued about selfish airport and grocery-line tricks, how firmly to cut off an intrusive ex, and whether social-media declarations count as real romance. They also relentlessly teased Woods over Waverly and his infamous jeans, then turned Mikey's different treatment of twins Luke and Ryan into a mock trial about parental favoritism.
What happened, in order
Hoke Leaves San Diego State
Mikey and the crew reacted to Brady Hoke leaving San Diego State for his dream job at Michigan, arguing that the painful loss was hard to fault even after he rebuilt the Aztecs.
Ted Williams Family Blowup
The hosts unpacked Ted Williams's hotel altercation with his daughter and worried that instant celebrity had overwhelmed a newly sober man pulled abruptly out of homelessness.
Happy Barry
Will's drunken birthday Facebook post was read aloud as near-gibberish before his longtime friend translated it into 'Just being a guy that's a guy, go me, happy birthday.'
Lyrical Chairs
In the debut of Lyrical Chairs, Mikey, Sienna, Woods, and Lauren raced to sing songs containing women's names until Lauren won the frantic elimination game.
Playing Dumb for Perks
Sienna and Woods confessed to exploiting fake confusion at grocery lines and airports, while Mikey pressed them on whether small conveniences justified knowingly cutting ahead of others.
The Ex Who Will Not Let Go
The crew debated how a man should handle an ex who texts, posts pet names, and cries around his new girlfriend, ranging from firm boundaries and blocking to a cease-and-desist or restraining order.
Celebrity Soundboard Prank
A prank call used Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard clips to bewilder a sleepy man named Sal, who kept insisting that the supposed police officer had called him.
Dolly Parton's Secret Tattoos
The show played Roseanne Barr claiming Dolly Parton is covered in delicate pastel tattoos, then pivoted into an argument over Ashton Kutcher's idea that a public romantic tweet can equal roses.
LeBron's Karma Tweet
After Cleveland's 55-point loss, the hosts criticized LeBron James for gloating about karma on Twitter and warned that the same taunt would return if Miami failed to win a championship.
Richard Slimmons
Richard Simmons's emotional Ellen appearance inspired a barrage of 'Slimmons' jokes before caller Gaylord Nick rang in to defend one of his idols and accidentally supplied an even bigger punch line.
Teenage Woodsy
The cast mocked 35-year-old married Woods for Facebook-friending Sienna's 15-year-old sister Waverly by improvising his overeager teenage voice and increasingly embarrassing messages.
The Favorite Twin
Mikey admitted picking up twin Luke after ignoring crying twin Ryan, then defended himself to Rebecca with her own rule against rewarding crying and was roasted for obvious favoritism.
People mentioned
MikeyWoodsSiennaLauren O'BrienWillBrady HokeTed WilliamsArnold SchwarzeneggerDolly PartonRoseanne BarrAshton KutcherLeBron JamesRichard SimmonsGaylord Nick
30,300 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Welcome to the show, everybody. It's a Mikey show, and we invite your phone calls. We would like to hear from you. If you're driving in your car right now, we would love for you to call us and say hello, or if you're just waking up or whatever the case may be. Phone number here is 570-1949, and you can text 949Mikey at gmail.com. And there's a lot of stuff going on today, so we've got to jump right into it. Man, there's stuff going on with San Diego State football, Chargers football. We got a new soundboard prank call that we're going to do for you at 730. The word of the day is chubby. Someone else came up with that one. Really? Weird. Who?
Might it have been. I couldn't use the first word he came up with for the word of the day. I said, maybe come up with another one. Sometime between now and 10, you'll hear me say the word chubby. It's a double entendre. And when you hear me say chubby, call and be calling number nine. And you'll win dinner for two at Pamplemousse Grill. on January 18th. I've been fiending for that place. Yeah. We were just there Friday. Delicious. Weird. Did I tell you that I ate goose liver? Disgusting. Mike! You're such a weirdo now. I know. Now? I'll tell you why I ate it. I ate it because I watch Andrew Zimmern. You think you're him. Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. And I'm like, he says stuff tastes good that you think is gross. And so I'm like, I'm going to try gross stuff. And it was so freaking good, I wanted to go the next day. If they're serving it at Pamplemos, I mean, it has to be pretty good. It was freaking good. Sorry, I tried it once before. I almost threw up. It's goose liver. What, do you eat it on a cracker? Yeah, dude. You can eat it on a cracker or little pieces of French bread. Oh, it was good. What's your wife think?
So disgusting. Repulsed. She was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I can't believe you'll eat that, but you won't eat like sardines. Don't try to sell anybody on sardines, Jay. Wait a minute. I can tell you what. Bit idea. What? Strange foods with Mike Esparza. Okay, but I'll tell you. See, it has to be this. It's got to be fresh. Not out of a can. Not out of a can. Sardines are disgusting. They've been packaged and processed. They're sitting in a can. Yeah, we can sort it out in our meeting today. And I don't like fish. But he drinks cow's blood. I mean, he does some wild stuff. Maybe take one for the team. I don't want to do that stuff. I don't want to eat that. Well, anyway, Pamela Moose. Grill is not about bizarre foods, about hamburgers. They've got steak. They've got steak. Lobster delicious. They have really good desserts. Oh, yeah. Truffle fries. Yeah, they do. So word of the day, today's good for dinner for two there for restaurant week. And by the way, if you win the dinner, you are responsible for booze and you're responsible for gratuity, tipping your server.
And you'll also, for word of the day today, get a $50 gift certificate to the 2011 Ski and Snowboard Mega Sale and qualify for a $250 gift card for that. Okay, let's see. So Brady Hoke, the head coach at San Diego State, he's gone. Wow. A prettier, I guess in his eyes, a prettier girl came calling, my friend. A cold, cold. Cold pretty girl. Pretty girl lives in a very cold place. Not San Diego. Not San Diego. Michigan. The University of Michigan Wolverines have hired Brady Hoke away from San Diego State. He's also going to be taking his offensive coordinator, Al Borges. And SDSU is expected to promote defensive coordinator Rocky Long to the head coach position. Brady Hoke, you know, he's a Michigan guy. You know, he coached Charles Woodson and Tom Brady there. Really? They were raving about him. They said it's great for Michigan. He spent eight years there as an assistant. It was his dream job. Oh, I gotcha.
It's not our dream. He was great. He turned that team around. He turned it around. He brought football back. It's a blow, you know, for sure. It's a blow to the university. But you can't really fault the dude, man. You really can't. It sucks. Dang. Yeah, it sucks. I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss him a lot because he came in here. He was really good at finding kids. Yep. Doing the whole thing. He did a lot with a little, you know, and was really building something. And they bought out his contract and cost them two and a half million dollars just to buy him out. And yeah, Michigan really, really wanted the guy. What about that dude that was a San Diego State alum that gave millions of dollars just to keep him here? Yeah. How's that guy feel? I'd like to talk to that guy. Where's that money now? Yeah. Hopefully he gets it back. Yeah. I doubt it. I highly doubt it. New stadium, maybe? I highly doubt it. It's pretty nuts, man. But, you know, it's been rumored. Oh, wow. It's been rumored, and he took the gig. We'll get someone better. Will we? Yes. We've got to think that way. No. Really? Yes. All right, fine. Oh, you broke our hearts. You broke our hearts. He's off to Michigan. Have fun in the snow. As a Notre Dame fan, I'm like, damn it. Knows his way around there. Yeah, he does. Knows his way around football coaching. Knows his way around football coaching.
Boy, I sure loved Rich Rodriguez. I bet you did as a Notre Dame fan because he sucked. Yeah, he's terrible. Beat us this year, but oh well. Who didn't? Let's see. Ron Rivera, defensive coordinator, San Diego Chargers, number one defense in the NFL. Yeah, he's gone too. Oh boy. Yeah, it's a mass exile out of San Diego. I've never seen so many people want to leave this place. I never want to leave this place. I hope I'm 100 years old here. Get the bricks, pal, and beat it because you are going out. Great. That's right. Super. Ron Rivera's gone. Do you know he has had eight failed head coaching interviews? Finally got a head coaching job? Now, what is that all about? I don't know. Why do you interview eight times you don't get a job? Does that say something about you or the lack of wisdom on someone else's part? I don't know. I don't know. Don't know. But he is going to be taking over the Carolina Panthers, who had a terrible season at 2-14. And, you know, Ron is... Been around forever. He was on the 85 Bears. He was a linebacker. He was a great player. Really good defensive coordinator, obviously. Number one defense in the NFL. Wow. So he's got his work cut out for him. It's a four-year deal, no option, worth $11.2 million. Holy. Yeah. Lucky. That's a lot of money. So, yeah, he's gone too. I wonder who they'll take, number one.
With the draft pick. Well, as Rivera, with Rivera as your head coach, you know, Nick Fairley's probably a pretty good idea. Yeah. He's also switching it from a 4-3 to a 3-4 in Carolina. So, man, it's, you know, another blow to the Chargers. It sucks. We'll see what happens. Stinks, man. 570-1949, that's our number if you want to give us a call. We would love to talk to you and see what you're up to. You can call us about anything that you want. M1 Bill is calling from San Marcos. What's up, Bill? I was just wondering what you thought about this nonsense about the Verizon iPhone. You already have an AT&T iPhone. Do you have to buy a new iPhone for Verizon? I believe that is the case, but I don't actually know. I don't know how they work. I don't know if they're going to be rotary. I don't know if they're going to be like a can with a string on it. I'm really not sure how it's going to work. You have to get a new phone for the Verizon service, and they can't just take your AT&T phone and take it to Verizon. Yeah, because it has that CDMA card. I think it makes sense. What is it? I'm confused. It's working on a different technology. Right now, it's not going to be the 4G network when it first rolls out. It's 3G, though, isn't it? Yeah, it'll be 3G, but it has that, you know, whatever that CDMA thing is. By the way, 3G is the speed of the download. And what is that? What did you just say? I don't know. I just read it.
You don't know what that thing is? I don't know what it is. It's some card that's in the phone. It's like anything. You don't want to take... I'm trying to think of a good... It's cross-platforms. It's two different companies. There's two different services. My wife is on AT&T and I was asking her last night and I asked her the same question. I go, can you just take it in and switch service? She goes, no, you've got to buy a whole new phone. It's like trying to use... Say you had a PC and you have the Microsoft... office suite and you want to use that on your Mac, you can't because it's not compatible. I'm sticking with AT&T. Okay. I'm going to wait. Weird. I'm actually going to wait. I did a lot of reading last night. You were like, I'm not going to wait. I'm going to get it right when it comes. I know, but I didn't realize it was still going to be on the 3G network. Yeah, they say wait six months. Wait till like summer. Wait a minute, LLB. I don't want to be on no 3G. You can't talk on the phone and receive data at the same time. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's talk. Let's talk. Tell me about that situation that you're in where you want to be on the phone and receive data. Okay, well, I... I want to do what everybody else is doing. I want...
the awesomeness of the iPhone that you've been talking about. I don't want some dumbed down version of it. Mike, say she's talking to a black guy on the phone. Yeah, right. And Matt is texting her. She wants to know that her boyfriend Matt can text her while she's talking to a black dude on the phone. Does that make sense? Or I can get emails from whoever else, whatever other people want to email me. But yeah, there's a couple things that you can't do. I just want, if the new iPhone 5 is supposedly coming out in the summer, I want the new network. I want the new phone. How bummed is Mike going to be when you and I roll in with the iPhone 5? Oh, yeah. On Verizon. You're going to get it. You better not. Oh, we're going to. We're going to. We're going to. We're waiting. Me and Santa will be mad at you. I will be just fine. We hate you. Mike will be like, well, why don't I have one? Yeah. I'm very content. Hey, thanks. Thanks, Bill. We appreciate it. No problem. It is a lot of monkey business. A lot of technology that I don't understand. It is. Yeah. Now, the golden-voiced homeless man, Ted Williams. Formerly. Formerly homeless. Now he's got a job working for the Cleveland Cavaliers. In the house.
Right? Mm-hmm. Well, yesterday he was in L.A. with his daughter. They had an appearance on Dr. Phil's show and on Entertainment Tonight. They were staying at a hotel, the Renaissance Hollywood Hotel and Spa. And apparently he and his daughter got into a little bit of an altercation. There was some yelling. It was loud. The police were called. And he was arrested. What? Yes. And so it begins. I know. He has like seven kids, right? Yeah, I heard nine, but maybe I was missing four. It doesn't say how many, but I know that he has a lot. They were like screaming at each other. Yeah, but there was no signs of visible abuse, so he was released after less than an hour. And she was brought in as well. I don't know what we're yelling about! Do you think he yells in that voice of his? Hey, stop it! Daddy, daddy, I'm really upset at you right now. I'm really upset and I need you to stop and relax. Yeah, for all we know, that's the kind of stuff he was yelling and they took both of them into custody.
Here's an Entertainment Tonight thing on it from last night. Around 9 p.m. last night, cops responded to a disturbance for an alleged yelling altercation between Ted and his 29-year-old daughter, Janette. In a new interview, Ted says it was a family gathering that got out of control. I wanted to bring it to a close by just saying, you know, shut the hell up and let me talk to your mother. Oh, wow. When that was set out. Oh, boy. Wow. Like, no big deal. Shit. All I said was. Yeah, I mean. Stay your dumb ass down. Yeah. I can't understand what all the hubbub was. I was saying to her, listen to me, you dumb bee. You are a smelly pirate. You no good piece of ass. Yeah. That's what I was trying to do. That's what I was trying to say to her at the time. And then. That's all I was trying to say. I hated you. I've always hated you. I called her an MF. It was no big deal, you know? And so then the police. My mouth, my daughter exploded, just erupted into this jump up in my face type thing. Fists got the flying of none of which were mine. None of which were mine. But they were escalating to that point where it could have gotten really ugly. And so in the process of doing that, I got scratched on my face.
And my nose, the bridge of my nose or the nostril part of my nose was, you know, just scarred. Daughter Janae tells her side. And he was like, and I stand up out of my chair and I said, who are you talking to? She was screaming, I'm going to sell this story. You don't have to worry about it. But, you know, I'm going to sell this story. He said, you, you fat. When he said that. I just got angry. You think you've got bad press now, you know, and she was screaming all of these things, and I'm thinking, oh, look, I truly expected the cops to show up a lot sooner. Crack is whack. It's not good. No, that's good. I think I've given up all hope now. Oh, my gosh. I mean, already, I was totally on board with this guy. Now, hearing him talk like that? Maybe he didn't. Maybe she's just trying to get a little piece of the pie. He just admitted. I mean. Well, he said that he said. I want you to shut the hell up. Hell up. But even for you. L.O.B.'s like, my family. What's the matter with that? Did your dad ever call you a fat bee? Maybe he didn't say all that. Hey, listen, you fat bee. Sit down. But he's just him describing, you know, there's a cut on my nose right on the bridge. Yeah, dude. You shouldn't even. That's your daughter. Just stay out of it. Don't be talking like that. I'm telling you guys. I'm telling you guys. They need to leave this guy alone. Yeah. Just leave him. Let him. You can't necessarily.
Polish a turd overnight. Exactly. Leave him in Cleveland. Let him do his gig. Let him go to work. Keep him off of freaking Inside Edition. He's going to crack. And it's already showing. He's going to crack. It's like Susan Boyle. Someone can't go from just complete obscurity to overnight success and deal with that. She had to go to a rehab place for exhaustion. Excuse my French everybody in America. You can't just take somebody out of a situation where they've been homeless and they've been whacked out. Drugs and alcohol. Yeah. And then just throw them into a normal environment and expect them to be normal. Not even normal. He's at this escalated level where he's a celebrity. Yep. It's sad. Yeah, if some local businessman had said, oh, we're going to give you a house and you can have a job at my aluminum siding company, you know, if it was just a good Samaritan, it'd be a lot different story. But because he's got the voice and he's got a background. But man, if you look at the guy as what the guy really is in his history, kind of a dirtbag, you know, neglected his family, neglected his kids. And now.
You're going to throw a bunch of money at an addict and an alcoholic and see what happens? A guy that's been homeless? It just scares me, man. And it's already starting to manifest. And it's like, oh, come on, dude. Leave this guy alone. This is the ghetto portion of the show. Exactly. That's why they say that people that win the lottery, a lot of times their lives end up being a mess. I know. Sad. Because you'll be the same thing that you are. If you're irresponsible with a little bit of money, you'll be irresponsible with a lot of money. Yeah. Sad, dude. 570-1949 is our number. The parents of the guy that, what's his, Jared Loeffner. Yep. The parents of Jared Loeffner. The Arizona shooter. The Arizona shooter, the guy that shot Representative Gabriel Gifford. They are really sorry. His parents are coming out saying that they're really sorry. Yeah, they've asked for privacy during this very difficult time, but they did say there are no words that can possibly express how we feel. We wish that there were so that we could make you feel better. We don't understand why this happened. It may not make any difference, but we wish that we can change the heinous events of Saturday. We care very deeply about the victims and their family. We're so very sorry for this loss. Here's Jared Loeffler's neighbor. They're very devastated about the whole thing.
It's just as bad on them as it is anybody else. It wasn't them that did this hideous thing. It was an individual with their son. They actually couldn't say much. They were crying too much. They can't talk without breaking down and just crying really bad. It's just they're hurting. Obama's going to be at a memorial there today. Uh-huh. It's a public memorial in Tucson for the victims, the six people that were killed. And there is some good news about Gabrielle Giffords. A doctor said that she's been able to move both arms and breathe on her own. She still has a breathing tube, you know, just as a precaution. But, you know, she said that she's 101% chance of surviving, which is great news. Very great news. Amazing. I also read some more details came out about Jared and the... The weapons that he brought on Saturday, I guess there's a picture came out of him carrying a knapsack into the shopping center. He had a semi-automatic handgun, four ammunition magazines, and a knife. The weapon he had was a Glock 19. This may mean, I mean, to a girl, I'm like, duh. But you guys may understand. Glock is just the type of 9mm. Okay. It had an extended magazine that held 31 rounds. A total of 31 spent rounds were recovered from the scene. Wow. A lot, right? Most of all.
Yeah, which is highly illegal. I mean, to have a magazine that holds that many bullets is highly illegal. But doesn't Arizona have some really... Not like that. No, not like that. That's some loose gun laws there. But he does, I mean, he did legally own his gun. He was able to pass the FBI screening and everything, which is kind of scary. Yeah, I mean, maybe the gun, but that magazine, that magazine is highly illegal. You can't have a magazine that holds 31 rounds. Wow. I wonder how he got it. I don't know. Just ordered it online. Could have. Could have got it online. Who knows? My brother's going to go today. He says they open. My brother lives in Tucson. He says they open it to the public at four and then it starts at six. He says it's at McHale Center, which is where the University of Arizona basketball team plays basketball. I said, oh, my gosh, I can only imagine what sort of, you know, secret service. they're going to have around the center and yeah it's going to be like getting him in and out of there and all that it's gonna be packed business right um let's see yesterday woods asked me hey do you know that country song if i said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me it's also a line in joe dirt yeah well i remember i remember the the song but i don't remember who sang it
Well, the singer of the song is claiming that Britney Spears ripped them off. Wow, really? Yeah. I nailed that one. And so we will have both songs, you know, we'll have the songs back. Oh, I love it. When we come back, don't go away. Sienna, what's going on in the news? Well, how does this make you guys feel? A U.S. Border Patrol agent is now in custody for harboring illegal immigrants. What? Make you feel good? How did that happen? Well... What was he... This is a 26-year-old Border Patrol agent, and the illegal immigrant he was housing was his father, who has had charges here in the U.S. and has been sent back to Mexico numerous times for marijuana possession and stuff. And the arrest was pretty crazy yesterday. Helicopters above his house, the SWAT team, neighbors were like, what is going on? So he's in custody right now. Also, if you haven't heard, these floods in Northeast Australia are getting really crazy. They've now reached the streets of Brisbane. Is Brisbane? Brisbane.
which is the nation's third largest city. And almost 20,000 homes in Brisbane are expected to be flooded in the city, and about 2 million by the time the river reaches the expected peak tomorrow. So just prayers for Australia. That's not good. Woodsy, what's going on in sports? Well, big news here in San Diego is Trevor Hoffman has decided to hang up his spikes and call it a career. A Hall of Fame career, most definitely. He is the all-time save leader, 601 games. He's 43 years old, had a rough year last year with Milwaukee, and just said, you know what, did some self-reflection and realized it's time to turn the page. New chapter, he is going to work in the Padres' front office. So that's pretty rad. That's cool. Yeah, so he'll be in town. That's very cool. Yeah, he's a personal friend. Well, I got a picture with him one time. Just throw that in there. Yeah, I mean, I talked to him, and he really wrestled with the decision. But, you know, at the end of the day, I told him, hey, man, you've done everything you can out there. You told him on Twitter or in person? In person. I said, listen, Trevor, you've done everything that you can do on the baseball diamond, man. You left it all out there. Could he have said your first name?
No. Okay. All right. That's fine. That's fine. I'll show you the picture, though, if you guys want to see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Cool. And LSU has said that their head coach, Les Miles, will stay. It was speculation that he was going to go to take the Michigan job. But Brady Hoke has that job now. And Les Miles said, you know what? We've built something good here. I've won a national championship. I'm going to stay. And so there you go. Les Miles will stay with the LSU Tigers. Soundboard prank call at 730, so about an hour from now. Get ready for that. And then also the word of the day is chubby today. So when you hear me say chubby between now and 10, just be calling number nine for the Pample Moose dinner and the gift certificate to the ski and snowboard mega sale. Maybe difficult to work in. Yeah. Sure, we'll have a tough time working that in. Yeah, because we don't say that. Never say that word here at this show. So yeah, yesterday we were playing this new song from Britney Spears. It's great. She's got a new song out. Not bad. Already number one on iTunes. Is that the truth? Yes, it's the truth. It's been out for a day and it's number one on iTunes. It's not bad. What do you mean you're disappointed, L.O.B.? What does that mean?
Britney Spears has produced so much better. Well, she hasn't produced it. She's come up with so much better songs. Has she? Yeah. Somebody has come up with better stuff. Somebody has come up with better stuff for her. Yeah, but I'm not a girl. You've only given it one listen. It's great. It's called Hold It Against Me. That's... I already know it. I've heard it once. Of course. The beat. Yeah, I know it. Yeah, it sounds like every other pop song. I picture like... People in South Beach, like really hot people. Yeah. Like sweating, lights flashing. With white shirts on. Yeah. Just girls in like short skirts. All the way in. Yeah. You paint quite a portrait of me. Well, Woodsy was saying. Yes. Woodsy was saying yesterday, he's like, do you remember that song? If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? And I'm like, I do, but I don't know who sang it. Well, it's a Bellamy Brothers.
It's huge. So the Bellamy brothers are upset and saying that Britney Spears ripped them off. Come on. Come on. It has the same words. Same words. Well, I mean, it's a clever play on words. It's great. That's just a clever play on words. That's all. I thought there was some sort of standard. In the music rules where there's a certain number of words that if they were the same as an already published song, a certain number of words in a row, consecutive. Well, I think that they're just trying to take the opportunity to get their names in the news. I don't think they'll actually sue her. Chances you will download that song. No way. I'm not in on that one. A Britney song you will. Maybe. So you'll download Britney, but not the Bellamy Brothers? Uh-uh.
Why? Well, they're not my thing. Really? Yeah. George Jones is. George Jones is my thing. I love the Bellamy Brothers. You do? Yeah, I grew up on them. My wife loves them. That AM gold that you guys listen to. It's a little AM gold. Like Bee Gees almost? It's just that one's not mine. I like a lot of stuff, but Bellamy Brothers, not my thing. Not my flavor. We are talking about them. I don't think they're dorky or anything like that. They're just not my deal. Britney's song shot to number one in eight hours. Since release. On iTunes? Yeah. Wow. You know, the picture of her that they're using to promote it, to promote the album, to promote the single, the picture that they use of her that you see on iTunes, man, she sure does look pretty. Yeah, she's cute. She's looking good. A lot better these days. What is that, Woods? That wasn't me. Yes, it was. Why that? Why did you do that? She's a little farty. She's going to need to get in great shape for this video. She was farty when she was shoveling fries. She's just greasy. That's a problem? Mike's showing us the cover shot on the new album of what she looks like. It's super airbrushed. You've seen the picture Dan Fields took of me, right?
Fine, man. There you go. I actually, I looked at, I go, wow, sharp guy. Then I looked in the mirror, I go, no, you're not. Sharp as a bowling ball. Oh, stop. I think she's, I've always thought that she's a naturally very pretty person. You ever just cut four pounds off somebody's face? Yeah, you can do it. Fine, but, you know. Four pounds. Even when she shaved her head and they had those horrible pictures of her. You thought she was cute with a shaved head? Yeah, she has a pretty face. Dude, I think she's a pretty person. She's going after the pop round suit with a bat. That was not her high point. Anyone would look ugly making that face. It's definitely not her talent that got her to this position. Yeah, that's true. She was marketable. I want her dancing to come back. She was the best. She's a great dancer. Michael Douglas was on. the today show yesterday and talking about his recovery i have to sneeze do it bless you i felt so good no it's please thank you wow how about some sanitizer hand hand gel yep i'm not sick you guys make that right your whole family's sick you need to i'm not feeling 100 i think it's the lob disease that i got and i passed it on because i sneeze i've sneezed already about 30 times this morning oh that stinks guys
That stuff literally smells like watermelon. It smells delicious. No, it doesn't. It smells like melon. No, you're smelling siennas. No, I'm not. I just put it on my hands. I put mine on my hands. I smell like cheetahs. Yeah, it does smell like watermelon. Cheetahs. I haven't tried that. I just rubbed a pole. Well. Oh. Oh, really? Really? I thought about the literal sense and that was dirty enough. I thought I did too. That's the worst one I've ever heard. Can I write that down? No. Isolate. Isolate. Isolate. Oh my gosh. Let's say it again. I needed that. Oh, I needed it too. Thank you. I now feel more awake. Whatever. Our phone screener, Will, is back. It's Will. Will. Can we not do that anymore? I hate it. We're trying. I hate it. It's Will. It's Will. He's back, and he took yesterday off because his birthday was the night before. And it looks like Will had a good time. Look at his smile. He's smiling so big. Did you see any of his updates on Facebook? I didn't. No. Did you, Mike?
Did you? No. Were they gibberish? Mike. There's a gibberish one. No way. He's like, get in here. I don't understand the drunk Facebook. It's on your phone, I think. I don't do it. Will just turned 23. 24. Question, Will. Do you know what you were trying to say? Do you remember it? I was on my phone and I was getting the Mexican food you always get when you're done with the club. I remember it was so good. I was just so happy. It was like the best. I tried so hard to make it legible or people could actually understand it. It was the worst. My friend James. translated it so that people can understand. That's what I wanted to know. I wanted to know what you were trying to say. Were you going on freetranslation.com, Mike? I'll read it. I'll read it. Yeah. Will says at 1.55 a.m. the night of his birthday, Will says... Mike, he's waking up. Yeah, me too. Seriously. Will says, just, and then the letter B, just B, and then I-W-N-E-G. Iwaneg. Iwaneg.
Lori just looked at me like, what? That doesn't make sense. Well, of course. Spaces in between, too. So he said, just be Iwaneg, a guy. Now, I'm reading the whole thing to you. He says, just be Iwaneg, a guy. And then the next word is T-G-A-T-S. To guts. To guts. Totally. So to review, he says, just be Iwaneg. a guy to gats. Makes sense. A guy, period. So, here's the sentence in full. Here's the whole sentence. I love how he didn't take it down. Just be Ewaneg, a guy to gats a guy. Then, here's the next sentence. Capital G. Alright, so that's one word. G. That's the word. G. G, and then the next word is Y-W-E. Now that does, I don't think you can pronounce that. Yoa. Yoa. Yoa. Yoa. So G-Yoa, dot, dot, dot. Happy Barry. B-E-R-R-Y? B-A-I-R-Y. Oh, wow. So it's Harry, but with a B. Is happy spelled correctly? No.
H-A-P-Y. H-A-P-Y. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Happy Mary. Happy Mary. And then the last word he puts is ya hey. Y-H-A-Y. The whole thing. Ya hey. The whole thing in its entirety. Here's the whole thing in its entirety. Just be in a way. A guy to gats a guy. G. You wee. Happy very, eh? Will! He had 15 shots. What did you drink? Oh, my goodness. 16. Sounds fun. Chris, the other college grader, made an appearance. I was at Cafe Coyote in Old Town. And he came into work? He didn't drink, though. He made an appearance. He made an appearance. I'm impressed. And so he was the one that told me that it was solid, like... double figures and drinks for me. Oh, wow. Yeah. It was your birthday. You don't need to explain. I know. And I woke up with, like, some deep chest bruise. It's still there. It's like, I don't know what happened at all. Deep chest bruise. Watch me get through this wall. Yeah. By the way, the bruise is shaped like a hook.
Now, a friend of his had a translation that I think is pretty, like, may be the actual thing he was trying to say. Just being a guy that's a guy. Go me. Happy birthday. Oh, wow. Yes. Is that what it was meant to say? Yes. That was. Wow. Go me. Go me. That's the best friend right there. Just being a guy that's a guy. Being a guy that's a guy. Okay, I need you to match him up again. Oh, my God. Okay, so here's what Will actually said. Okay. Just be Iwanaga guy. The gats a guy. Gee. Why we.
Happy Barry, yay. That's what he actually wrote. Now, here's his best friend of how many years? Eight years. Eight years translating for you. Just being a guy that's a guy. Go me. Happy birthday. Holy cow. Oh, my. Wow. It's incredible. I wish I went out with you. That's not fun. Did you get sick, Will? No. I mean, woke up with a headache for sure. Well, of course. And the Chespreys. He's still young. He can still do that. Yeah. Yep. I'll tell you what. I have a sip of wine that's like two hours on the couch the next day. I know. Hungover is one glass of wine. I'm like, oh my God, don't talk. Don't talk. Sweetberry wine. Sweetberry. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Peanut and water. This is random all again. Oh, it's great. I really want to know where you got that deep chest. More than anything. You know when you mouth off and some guy goes, hey, shut up. Bam. He was probably break dancing on the floor. Push me as hard as you can. I can't feel anything. I can't feel anything. Seriously. I know it seems like we're a request, but do it. Maybe Chris knows. He was like my conscious that night, so he had all the...
It seems like he would be like the angel on someone's shoulder. 100%. All right, we're going to do something that is risky. Happy Barry. Happy Barry. Happy Barry. Happy Barry. We're going to do something that's risky right now. Oh, boy. We're going to play a new game. Oh, boy. Favorite. Mike gets very nervous about games. We're going to play lyrical. The game's called Lyrical Chairs, all right? You're going to call us right now. And you're going to pick a horse, either me, Sienna Woods, or L.O.B. What's the prize, Jay? The prize is going to be dinner for two at the Shores in La Jolla. Wow. Yeah. All right, cool. Plus a homemade stick that I made. That's right. I went on there. Made it out of stick. It's the homemade. Adobe. Yeah, it's a homemade stick made completely out of stick. All right, so here's how lyrical chairs... Here's how it works. You call us, you pick a horse, me, Sienna Woods, or L.O.B., and then Jay's going to give us a topic, and we have to sing a song that has that topic in the lyrics. Oh, boy. Okay? Now, when it's our turn, okay, we have two seconds to sing that song. If we miss it, we're out. I'm scared.
The winner is the last man or woman stand. Oh, wow. All right, let's do this. Come on. Call us right now and pick a horse. Stand up. Stand up. I don't know why. I don't feel confident. I don't either. I don't either. In your abilities? That's a really nice dress, Yenna. Oh, thank you. Never seen you wear it. I've worn it a couple times. You have? Yeah. Gosh, I feel like a... I just took off my sweater. It's like I just came from another planet. She's like, I've worn this before. I'm like, you have? I've never seen it. You've actually complimented it before. I have? I feel... You don't wear it often. It's not really a me dress. I don't know. Anyway. All right, here we go. Thank you. M1 Ellie from San Diego. Who do you want to pick? Ellie, are you there? Yeah. Who do you want? Me. Okay, you got it. M1 Miguel from IB. Who do you want? Miguel? Woods. Woods. You know that. You got it. Next up is M1 Rebecca from San Diego. Who would you like to select? Mikey. Hi. Go with Sienna. Okay. Hang on. And then finally. Finally. I'm taking last. You get Mikey. Then one Neil from OB. Yep. You get me. All right. Hang on the line. Hang on the line. Mike, in fairness to all the callers, you didn't seem very confident. I know it. I know it. Yep. Once again, Jay's going to give us a topic, and we have to sing a song that has that topic.
in the lyrics. We are starting with and moving which direction? We are going to go clockwise. Starts with Mikey and goes Sienna, Woods, Lauren, and back to Mikey. I'm going to vomit. Winner is last man or woman standing. Jay, what is the topic? Girl's name. Ready? One, two. You're starting. You tell me when to go. Ready and commence. Sarah. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. Carrie, Carrie. Sweet Caroline. Ba, ba, ba. What? Sally. Sally. Mikey's out. Amanda. Sarah, smile. Mustang Sally. Sienna's out. It's between Woods and LLB. I want to take you by the hand and make you realize Amanda. She already sang it. Damn it. L.O.B. Last Woman Standing. Holy cow. That's the most nerve-wracking game ever. I love it. Yeah. See, Mikey. My heart's racing. My too. Racing. M1 Ellie from San Diego. Yes. You picked the right horse. L.O.B. won for you.
There you go. Hang on the line, okay? Oh, my gosh. I'm embarrassed of myself. Embarrassed. I know. As many lyrics as I know. Look at Sienna. She's still pondering it. I am, man. I can't think of one more. I have a couple in the reserves. You do? Dang you. I am embarrassed and I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed. As much music as I know, I'm disgusted. I'm actually surprised I got two. You know, I almost called Woods out for the Sarah Smile thing because I thought that you already did that. No, he did Jefferson's Starship, Sarah. Right. Yeah. Sarah. Sarah. Bruin in your eyes. I can't believe I pulled. Oh, I just thought of what. Roxanne. Damn it. I sing it to my parents' dog, Roxanne. I had that, and I had with sweet Melissa. Damn it. Mary had a little lamb. He could have gone on. Oh, yeah. Did you do that, Rowan? Yeah. Sure. It's a song. It's a song. It's what the girl's name is. It's a song. I love that game. Judge me. Okay, let's see. La la la la la. Shake it. You guys, have you guys ever, do I have time to do this? No. Because I have this thought started. I don't have time, do I? Write it down so you don't forget it. All right, I'll write it down so I don't forget it. But it's a pretty good thing, so I will bring it up later. Michael Douglas was on the Today Show yesterday and talking about, you know, beating cancer.
And one of the things he was talking about was how they take pictures of him when he doesn't look good. This is not a social scandal. This is not a marital issue. This is life and death. The amount of paparazzi that they have and these video cameras, you just can't do. That does not sound like Michael Douglas. This is throat cancer, doesn't it? Or esophageal. Beat him down. Poor guy. Anything. And I resent the amount of imposition on our children, too, because it used to be at least they would try to keep them out of that. They don't at all. But there was sort of a macabre enjoyment out of sort of watching me go down there for a while, I felt, by the paparazzi. There is. Definitely. There is a macabre fascination with it. I can't stand paparazzis, and I wish that there was laws about them. I think it's cruel. I think it's weird. I think it's...
I think it's creepy. I think they're creepy. I think those magazines are creepy. I think the whole dang thing's gross. There's plenty of public appearances that these celebrities are at where we can get our fix of pictures. That's what I'm saying. I don't know why we need to see them when they're trying to have their private life. Well, and why do we need to see them at their worst? Like, there's something about it I just don't understand. Let me talk to this dude that on the surface I'm like, you know. I'm not really sure that I would want to talk to him, but then I thought about it, and I'm like, no, I do want to talk to this guy. Dude's name is Johnny Wright, and he is widely considered to be one of the foremost managers of music of all time. When I tell you who he put together and who he's managed, you'll see why. And he's trying to do it again. He's worked with enormous names in the music industry.
This guy's responsible for putting together bands that are 14 times platinum, 13 times platinum, respectively. Wow. Tell you about him coming up. And we'll talk to him coming up. I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. That's Lauren O'Brien, otherwise known as LRB. That's Sienna. And that's Jay over there. He's our producer. Sienna's got that scarf around her neck that makes her look so warm. Yeah. I'm in on it now. It covers my boobs. Yeah, it does. Why do you do that in the car? Because I'm breastfeeding and I just feel like they're in my way. They're in everybody's way. I don't want to see them anymore. Do you do that purposefully? Today I did it purposefully. Are you self-conscious of them? I just don't like them. They're too big.
Todd says if I were to ever do anything to change him, he's like, that's not what I married. I'll leave you. That's not what I married. I'm like, you're a monster. I'm uncomfortable. He's like, yeah, I really don't care. He's like, well, I'm not. I'm not. Wow. It depends on the outfit. Sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I do. Don't eyebrow me on that one, pal. Woods, he gave me the, how'd you like that eyebrows. The motorboat? Yeah. Figure eight. Oh my gosh. Hey, hey. What? Take it easy. There's a microphone in front of me. Oh, there is? But we're still on break. Soundboard prank call at 7.30 is real different. What are the days, Jubby? Real different. It is. It's real different. It's great. You ever play dumb to get preferential treatment, ladies? Ladies. Of course. I do it. I don't do it as much as I think I can get away with doing it. I did a good one the other day. That's cocky. I really thought I was going to. No, but I mean, I feel like if you do that, you really do get it. Like, people are just like, fine. You know, not necessarily because I'm a female or anything. But I called the other day. My friend sent me one of those Groupon things about a deal. And, you know, they expire after a certain amount of time. Yeah. And my friend Libby was like, you know, I'm going to do this pure bar class. It's a type of exercise up in Carlsbad. She said, you know, it's this great deal. I got that deal, too. Really?
So I didn't capitalize on it, so I called the place, and I was like, yeah, hi. I was just calling because my friend said she saw something on Groupon, and I can't find it anywhere on there. I was wondering if I could go through you guys to get it. Did they let you? No. They were like, yeah, that expired. I was like, oh, bummer. I don't do this anymore, but this is the kind that I used to do. It's a concert or something, or sporting event. and the line at the exit is a mile long. So you pull up right to the entrance of the off-ramp and you give the, oh, I didn't, I don't, can I get in there? I hate that mood. I do it all the time. Dude, I don't do it anymore. When I lived in PB, that was the mood. I was that monster, though. I've done it. Me too. Now that I have baby stage, I do them all the time. You do? And I get away with it every time. This is what I do. Constantly. When I'm at the grocery store, the 15 items are less line.
No, Sienna. You are a monster. Oh, my gosh. I load half my stuff, and then I pretend like I see it. Oh, my gosh. I didn't know. Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh. I have sage. Oh, my gosh. And then, like, don't even worry about it. I didn't even realize. Meanwhile, there's, like, someone buying milk behind me. Oh, monster. I'm so terrified. You know what? I have a baby. I don't want her crying in line. I count mine. If I have more than 17, I'm like, gotta go. I gotta get out of this line. 570-1949. Call us with the things that you do that you're playing dumb. You know the deal. You shouldn't do it. I don't do that anymore. I feel bad. Everybody does now. What? And so there's just a big cluster F at the airport. Everyone pretends like... Mike hates that. Just say it sprouted. It's the only word I can come up with. Everyone, they pretend like they don't know that there's any hierarchy or any line. So everyone just starts inching up towards the front and scratching their head like they didn't know you're standing there waiting your turn. So they just start to go, you know, oh, I'm just going to pretend like I don't see this long line and while someone has their back turn, I'm just going to...
Walk around and just not say anything. Yeah. I do at the airports sometimes if I'm traveling solo and I just really want to get on the plane, I have pulled, it's been a while, the fake migraine bit. Oh, my gosh. To board. How do you do that? I walk up and they're like, we're now pre-boarding families and priority members only. And I'll walk up and be like, hey, listen, I'm in 22D. I've got a splitting headache and these lights are killing me. I just need to lay down. Oh, my gosh. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Am I? Or am I brilliant? Brilliant. It's brilliant. I never knew of it. It's not okay. It's been years. It's the opposite. I tried the pregnancy thing once and they wouldn't even let me go. It's the opposite of okay. I know. Really? I know I didn't agree for this. It's so bad, Woods. Really? Why is that bad? We're all getting on the plane. Because you're doing something. And I have a seat assignment. Happy birthday. I'm just getting on a little early. Happy birthday. It's not really that bad if you think about it. It's not like I'm going and sitting in first glass. Everybody else is waiting. Well, great. I don't feel good. You do feel good. You're lying, remember? Woodsie. Okay, if this over here. It's not a lie if you believe me. I love that phrase. Oh, yeah. Like that towel. If this is good.
This way over on the way other side. That's what that is. No, it's in the middle. No. Brother, I got a seat assignment. He's not hurting anyone. I'm going to 22D. I'm just going 10 minutes early. Okay. Now, I want you to just put on the honest cap for me. Okay. Okay. Can you put on the honest cap for me? It's on. So you're not going to say something just to make yourself look better. You'll give me an honest answer. Dude, I admitted I parked in handicapped spaces yesterday and pooped my pants. I will be honest with you. Okay, cool. So. Baby Connor's born? Yes. And you got Baby Connor in the carrier? Yes. Right? And you're just whipped, man. Beat. You're beat. You're tired. And you're sitting there and you're waiting, right? And a guy comes up to the front and does that and gets on before you and Jamie and Connor. Do you have any problem with him whatsoever? I have some problem with him. Not a major. What is it? What is the problem? Not enough to... I'll be him. What's wrong? What? I don't really have a headache, but what's your problem? Well, see, I wouldn't know. So if he really had a migraine. I'm letting you know. I'm letting you know. Who would do that? Somebody, his friend is coming. That's what I'm saying. His friend is coming up to you and saying, hey, we just had a falling out.
And I'm going to let you know the truth about him. He is up there right now. Quite the scenario. He is up there right now and he doesn't have a migraine. He's saying that he does. I would be passive aggressive more than likely. No, no, no. But what I want to know is I want to know how you feel about him. I don't feel great about it, but I'm also not like, I mean, he's got a seat, but I'm not mad. Okay. I'm not mad necessarily. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm not mad. It's not a big deal. He's got a seat assignment and he's going to go sit in his seat. So you don't care. Now, if he's in my seat, I'm going to kick his A. Woods. Yeah. He's A. Let's just slow things down here a little bit. Okay. Again, you're beat. You're tired. You're hot. You're sweaty. Every time you travel. It doesn't change. It's always that way. Right. And so this guy is doing that. Your feelings about him are, I don't care. I'd say he's kind of a D-hole. Yes. But Woods knows he is that sometimes. I know. But he doesn't care. You think I walk around innocent? No, no, no. Here's what I think. Here's what I think. And I may be wrong in this assessment. But what I think is that Woods most of the time goes, what's the big deal? There's no big deal here. We all have a seat. Yeah, there's no big deal. See, it's part of...
I'm kind of like that, but I'm also kind of like. I think he knows he's being a jerk. I know. I know that. My wife will tell me. He just doesn't care. She's like, you are the biggest a-hole when you fly. And I go, I know. I hate traveling. Everything's cramped. It smells. That's the worst. I go, I don't like it. And she's like, you turn right when we hit the airport into the mean. I'm mean. Like in the airport. Like a guy will cut me off and I'm like. You taught me the term, Woods. Happy birthday, you jerk. I was just going to say, Woods. You taught me the term happy birthday. Yeah. Oh, it's definitely a birthday, but it's not as bad as some things you can do. For those of you that don't know, happy birthday is, oh, I guess it's just your day to get whatever you want. Happy birthday. It gets it your way today. What's the rule, dude? It's do as I say, not as I do. Yeah. The rule is. Oh, my gosh. The rule is do unto others. Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Well. I don't want something. He just wants to do unto others. Hey, man, I'm telling you the truth. I do not want somebody doing that to me. And so I don't, I can't. You know, I can't. I'd be like, I am such a D. And then I've admitted to myself that I'm a D. I was just tired. I wanted to lay down. I will do something similar.
Sometimes. And I'll do it if I feel like my overall airport experience has been really bad. I take it out on the rest of the people and I'm like, you know what? I got it. Now you're going to get it. If I'm in like seating assignment number four and I can't understand why, because I always pay an exorbitant amount for my ticket. I can't understand why I can't ever get in seating assignment one. I'll just like when they call it, I'll get into the mix of things for seating assignment one and I'll give a big old. ear to ear grin to the ticketing agent and I'll go hi and they'll go oh we haven't called you and I'll go oh no oh really and just about 70% of the time it works sometimes they go nope and send you back when you're nice like that though you usually always get your way because no one's nice at the airport when you ask them how they're doing they're like I love you go exactly I'll be like hi how are you and then just Oh, gosh, I just came from the bathroom. I thought you were boarding the whole plane. Because the customer service at the airport is gone. It's gone. It does not exist anymore. I believe the customer service is gone. It is gone. The lady the other day was helping us try to get home. She literally gave Jamie her seat assignment, didn't give me mine, turned and walked away outside and was helping these people with their bags. I had to walk outside, which I probably wasn't allowed to do.
Are we done here? Are you done with me? Because she got her ticket. She was like, sir, you need to wait at the counter. I go, well, you could have told me that before you left. It's just gone. They don't care anymore. They charge you up the wazoo and they don't care. They don't care what your experience is like. I hate it. I hate it. I never want to travel again. Yeah. I don't think anybody likes traveling. Oh, my God. 5701949 is the number if you want to weigh in on that. I heard Jay say something. He goes, I'm going to get killed for this. No, no, it's not that bad. I use, like I'll go up and I know like the gift certificate or the coupon is expired. Oh, yes. But I will push it on through. How can you? I just am insistent. It's like, hey, you know, come on. And they're like, by the time it's all done, they're like, oh, okay. Yeah, here you go. Really? Happy birthday, buddy. If I use a different tactic, I'll be like, oh, it is? Yeah. Oh, shoot. I play that card too. But I just keep going. It's like, hey, you know. And they eventually give in. They do? Oh, yeah. Especially gift certificates, because they're really not supposed to expire. Yeah, I thought that was a new law. Yeah, it's not new, but they still... I knew that's what I was going to get. You know what? I did, too. I found some...
Good guys, gift certificates, but they're closed. They don't, they're not, it's not stink. What's that? It's just money in their pocket. Yeah, the good guys were like an electronics store. You're allowed, I mean, there's like things you can do to get the money back, but it's a nightmare. I bet. It's like just throw it away. That's why when I get a gift card, I spend it immediately because I don't know if I forget it or lose it. Yeah. Let's get rid of it. Okay, I do have an email too. You guys want to do an e-mirror? Sure. Let's see. Tell me what you think about this. You can call us, 570-1949. Hi, guys. Hope you're all getting ready. Hope you guys are all getting ready for a good weekend. We're going to the desert for the first time in the season. I want to ask you about this. It feels really immature for me to even be in this situation, but oh well, need some advice. I started dating this new guy for a few months, and his ex is trying to sabotage our new relationship. I honestly don't blame him. But part of me feels like he needs to be firm in putting a stop to it. She'll do things like text him that she's sad. She misses him. He sometimes shows them to me, apologizes, and deletes them. He'll post it on his Facebook wall. She'll post on his Facebook wall little inside jokes and pet names. Twice now. Girl, fight.
We have been out with a group of friends and she'll show up and cause a scene by crying. Sounds unstable. Oh my gosh. She says it's hard to see him having moved on and that she just can't get over him. Once, we left. Another time, he kind of consoled her and called a cab for her. He apologized for this and told me she's depressed. I get that. I feel bad for the girl. I just feel like... It's not his problem. And it's really stopping us from moving forward. Oh, what to do? Please help. M1 Chiquita. Yeah, that's cut and dry for me. Like beyond cut and dry. This is cut and dry as it gets. Dude has to stop it. There is no other option. But how can he stop it? It's her problem. Well, I mean, if you have to get as wacky as a restraining order. Oh, wow. Against a girl? Come on. Dude.
Really? Come on. She's crazy. I don't think she's... It's not a threatening thing that she's doing. She's just so sad. But it sounds like, yes, she is depressed. Yeah, you've got to put... Listen, you can't call me anymore. You can't call me. You can't call me. You can't write me. You can't communicate with me. You can't block her all the way around. Oh, yeah. You block her. See, I would be under the impression, same as this girl. Hey, guess what? It's not your problem. She's got friends. She's got family, whatever. But there are some people that are just like, well, I once knew that person. I once cared for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a friend. I can't see her. Don't you guys think that this person sounds unstable? No. I think she sounds broke. It sounds like she got dumped and she's sad. She can't get over it. I think we've all been there. Unstable would be like, you know, she shows up at our apartment. on the doorstep yeah she follows me things like that I think twice now we have been out with a group of friends and she'll show up
and cause a scene by crying. Well, you know, the interesting thing is they probably all have the same group of friends, you know, mutual friends that they hung out with, and she happens to be there, and she cries because she sees him with another. Dude, we've all been there. I've put my hand through a wall at a bar because I saw Jamie actually walk in with friends, and we were broken up, and I was like, oh, wow, this isn't good. Well, here's the thing. Well, I was unstable. Now, here's the thing. I go. Okay, if it's one of these things in and of themselves, eh, you know what, deal with it. You put the whole big picture together, I'm going, she's writing a dude on his Facebook. This is a dude, by the way, that's got a new girlfriend. Block her. Writing a dude on his Facebook. She is showing up to things and crying. She's texting him that she's sad and misses him. She's putting inside jokes and pet names. That's weird. Yeah. It's weird. That's weird. It isn't normal. It's weird. Maybe because he feels she's unstable, if he blocks her, that might set her over the edge. He doesn't want it on his conscience if she does something. Something crazy. I don't know. I'm not down with that bit, by the way. What? I'm going to kill myself unless you. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's not going to get me back. Yeah, I won't do it. Yeah, it's not going to get you back. If somebody pulls the, you know, I'm going to kill myself.
Oh, that's so scary. Oh, no. And if they do kill themselves, it didn't have anything to do with you. And I'm telling everybody out there that. Listen to me. I can't say this more firm. And this is, by the way, from a clinical psychologist. This isn't just from the mouth of Mikey. If somebody is saying to you, you need to do this and blah, blah, blah, or I'm going to kill myself. You tell them, listen, I care a lot about you, but I'm not going to be. manipulated by that i'm not because if you do whatever it is that they want you've now effectively become a party to like the same concept as terrorism you know or hijacking yep you know you're basically putting yourself in that same position you can't do it yeah and it isn't your fault by the way their actions are their actions they're a little you know kooky do
Just create a word, kooky-doo. I like it. Then they're kooky-doo. Some people... completely change after you break up with them, though. And, I mean, you cared for them, so it hurts you to see them as such a mess. You know, you don't want to hurt their feelings any more than you already have, you know? So it's like, I would feel like, I don't know, you just have to be really careful. Tactful. Yeah. Tactful until, I think, you're in the new relationship, and then it really is, okay, it's unfair to the new person. If I were him, I would contact one of her... closest friends, maybe he still has her family members, you know, information and be like, look, she's unstable, but I can't deal with this. You know what I mean? That's fine, but there's a potential there. You could just be stoking the fire. Yeah, I know. That's true. That could be what she's looking for. And when Sean from Escondido. Hey, how's it going? Good. To change his number or get a cease and desist, it states on the cease and desist that if the person doesn't stop after 60 days.
All you have to do is call in once and it becomes a restraining order. Now, Woods, for the record, Woods just gave a look like that is crazy. Why? Why, Woods? Because you don't call the cops on a girl. I mean, unless she's doing something. Well, girls can get crazy. I agree. I've had the crap beat out of me by girls before. But let me tell you, unless they're doing something that scares you. You don't call the cops. I'm going to get a restraining order. They're calling you a lot. You can block. You can change your number. You can do that stuff, but you don't. There's a girl, and she's mad and crazy. But it's like, has he even told her to stop yet? I want to file a report. Dude, I don't. Listen. He may not have even asked her to stop. I don't think that the filing of the report is, oh, my gosh. I do. I'm scared. I do. Can I give my. My take on that one is I'm going to scare the crap out of you. Yeah. It ain't about me. Or I'm going to make you even crazier. It ain't about me. And have you slit my throat because I just called the cops on you for calling me and texting me. It just sounds scary. It sounds so wussy too. It sounds like you belong on a crazy 911 show or something. I don't want to be part of that. You're going to make things worse. But those people are normal people that have things happen to them. I know, but I just... I think you're going to make things worse.
exercise everything else and have that be my last ditch effort if it didn't stop. Yeah. Or if it got scary. If it got creepy. Threatening. Threatening. Dude, it's creepy to me already. That sounds creepy to you, Woods? No. Her crying scene is ridiculous. I've had that scene. All of these. What is the noise I'm hearing? I know. Jay, is your mic on? Is your mic on? He's on the phone. So his mic's not even on. Where are we? Where's the noise? I hear like a conversation. Hang on, hang on, hang on. I don't think listeners can hear it. I know. Is the TV on? Oh, is it the speaker? What speaker? In there? No, that's not on delay. Whatever it was, was loud enough to distract me to what we were doing. Come through our headphones. I believe it's coming from that wall, but I couldn't be sure. Hang on. Everybody be quiet. I don't hear it. It stopped.
Silence makes me want to laugh. Yikes. It stopped. Whatever it was, it stopped. It's her! Right? 570-1949. That's our number. Let's see. This is M1, Mr. Dodgeball from San Diego. What's going on? So I'm in the type of situation where it's different because my ex-girlfriend, I have kids with her. I can't... Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.
She's an amazing woman. She does great things for my kids. And it's just, it's a blessing that we're even together. And I can't not have her number. She can't not have my number. Right. And I'm in a situation where she'll just call. She's just the most evil in full faith. Question. Yeah. And try to answer this in 20 seconds or less. Okay. What is, and I'm going to ask you to be specific here, which would be tough for you, but I need you to be specific. What would she... be the most angry at you about what is she texting you about when she's texting you at two o'clock in the morning to call you evil's names what is she angry about i think she's angry i was able to maybe find somebody that would take me on because i have three kids we have three kids together and i think she's angry that i've moved on completely and that i do have something that is very true and meaningful okay i understand that
But what I meant more specifically was, I kind of was curious, just as a voyeur of your relationship, I was kind of curious, like, what she was actually pissed about at the time when she wrote it. Like, I can't believe that you did this. Did you end the relationship? Yeah. So what would she get mad? What's the last thing she got mad at you about? Oh, boy. You have low self-esteem. Why is your new girlfriend better looking than me? Just out of nowhere. That came just out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. Oh, wow. And your girlfriend, I'm sure, saw that, huh? Yes, it was. It has nothing to do with the kids. Don't call me. Yeah.
It's great, man. You know, the thing that would work well for you, too, is probably the ignore bit. You know, the ignore bit when she sends you a drunken 2 a.m. text calling you names and stuff. You just don't respond, man. Or you just kill her with kindness. It's hard to do. Just write it down. It's so hard to do. Just write it down, but don't ever send it. Write down how you feel, but don't send it to her. I do that all the time. I'll write a message back to somebody that's mean, then delete it. Yeah. People are crazy. They're crazy. What NFL player? This just happened. What NFL player just said that he hates Tom Brady and called him an a-hole? I'll tell you. Coming up. Who's there? No, you didn't. You didn't know. No, you didn't. Woods has a giant... Woods has a giant glob of oatmeal on his team. Wow. I go, are you saving that for later?
Yes. It's not on my boob. It's on my peck. But I'm old woman. Word of the day is chubby. When you hear me say the word chubby between now and ten, caller nine gets dinner for two at Pamplemousse Grill on the 18th. That's a good one. We do some of this. What do you think about that? I want to do some woodson. Please clean up your own meal, Woodson. Nope. Hey, Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. It's driving me nuts. I think it's funny. He's just sitting on his shirt. Rest easy, Chargers fans. Rich Bissachia has been hired as the new special teams coach. And I, for one, am stoked. All right, clown. Let's talk. Let's talk. I am on a Chargers email list. All right, so the Chargers will, I'll get.
emails and they'll make press releases. So yesterday they announced that they have hired a new special teams coach. Which is relevant because our last special teams coach was a complete disaster. Well, I mean, he was great for many years, but then last season, for whatever reason, man, it just unfolded right in front of us. Special teams was the Chargers' demise. Yes. So I sent the email on to Woods and he... Very sarcastically. Smart-aleckly. Oh, boy. Wrote me back right away and said, oh, so they did get Rich Biscaccia. Great hire. Great hire. You're a monster. And I write him back and I'm like, I go, really clown? Really? Really with that? Really with your little clownisms? Oh, good. We did get Rich Biscaccia. Great hire. What a jerk.
Well, he's spent the past nine years in Tampa Bay, and he's our new special teams coach. We'll welcome him to San Diego. Welcome, Rich Versace. We are happy to have you. Maybe he'll do great things. I'm sure he will. I have high hopes. And if you didn't hear earlier in the day, we talked about Ron Rivera leaving the Chargers to go to the Carolina Panthers. Here he is talking about leading a team. Sienna is taking it upon herself to wipe. I can't look at it anymore. The oatmeal off his teacher. Here's Rivera talking about leading a team to the Super Bowl. Let's cut one. I almost want to say relief because it's something that I really believe when you get into coaching. When you get into playing. You strive for one thing is that to be a Super Bowl champion. When you get into coaching, you strive to be a Super Bowl winning head coach. And that's what my goal is. All right. Well, good luck to you, my friend. Yep. He's got his work cut out from Carolina's not a very good football team, led by old Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clawson, who looks like a moron out there. Wow. It's a real bummer. But, you know, maybe get some weapons in there and they do something better. Obviously, their defense is going to be improved with Rivera as the head coach.
Excuse me. The Denver Broncos are having a really tough time finding a head coach. Their third candidate yesterday goes... Thanks, but no thanks. Seriously? I'm dead serious, man. Did they say who it was? Their third candidate was defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints, Greg Williams. He's the third candidate to spurn the Denver Broncos. I know that our phone screeners, Will and Chris, have already said no to the job. Yes, they've turned it down. Virtually everyone has turned this job down. I have a voicemail, I suspect. You haven't listened yet? Might be. It's from Pat Bowling. Yes, and John Elway. Last week, the Atlanta Falcons offensive coordinator Mike Malarkey canceled his interview. And Jim Harbaugh obviously left Stanford for the Niners. Wouldn't even sit with Elway and Bolin.
Really? So that's three. So Greg Williams just said, you know, thanks, but no thanks. And so now John Fox is still in the hunt. He's the former Carolina coach. Right. I bet you he ends up taking it. Also, we told you earlier that Brady Hoke has, in fact, if you didn't hear, Brady Hoke has, in fact, left San Diego State to go to the University of Michigan to be their new head football coach. He has taken with him his offensive coordinator, Al Borges. They're expected to promote Rocky Long at San Diego State to be the new head coach. And I know a lot of San Diego State fans out there are. really, really bummed. And then finally, I want to tell you, I got two real juicy stories, but I'm just going to give you one little taste right now. Antonio Cromartie, former San Diego Charger. Yeah, 31. 17 kids, 16 wives. He doesn't actually have 17 kids. I'm sorry, nine kids. He's got nine kids. Not wives, baby mamas. Wow. This guy who gets burned more than toast. is going to come out and he starts running mouth about Tom Brady. Oh, boy. And so they asked him, you know, Tom Brady did a bit where they were beating the crap out of the Jets. After the Jets had run mouth, of course, Brady's killing him. And he's throwing touchdowns. All he did, he pointed at the sideline. Like, look at me. Feast on that, guys. Well, Antonio Camardi didn't like it. He said, quote, we see that a lot. He does it a lot. That's the kind of guy he is. We really don't give a damn to tell you the truth. And they asked what kind of guy Tom Brady is. Camardi said,
He's an a-hole. Oh, my gosh. That's what I think about him. I don't really give a damn about him. I don't have to play against him. I play against the receivers. Well, who throws the ball to the receivers, idiot? So this game now is taking on a life of its own. It's going to be a battle. It's going to be so gnarly. I cannot wait. All they do is go back and forth, back and forth. Like one person says one thing from the Jets. The Patriots and the Jets. He doesn't say much. You know, the teams. Now I'm sitting here going, I'm rooting for a friggin' Boston team. And I'm rooting hard for it. Like, come on! Yelling and screaming at the TV. And I got a story later about LeBron on Twitter that you have to hear. You cannot miss this. So that's what's on sports for now, my friend. 8.30, you're going to say it? Absolutely, I'm going to say it at 8.30. So, we have a little bit of a different kind of soundboard prank. Soundboard pranks are when you take a voice of a celebrity. On a soundboard. And if you don't know what a soundboard is, it's just sound effects. It's clips. It's little clips. You know, you've heard me play them before. You can just sit here and go, Mexican Americans don't like to just... Or you can go... You know how I know you're gay? How? Because you macrame yourself a pair of jean shorts. You know, those are little clips. And so a prank soundboard is when you call somebody with a celebrity's voice and, you know, you mess with them.
And so, you know, Woods and I like to do that in our pastime. We were lucky this time. We got a real celebrity. We thought, you know, what does it sound like if you were to do one of these sad soundboards on somebody like, I don't know, like a tattoo? Already funny. How are you? I'm Detective John Kimball. Oh, no. I'm a cop, you idiot. No, what? I don't know. I mean, it's nice to meet you. It is nice to meet you as well. I wish you would handle different circumstances, but what is going on? Hey, I'm a police officer. I know, I know. What is this in regard? Stop whining. I'm sorry. I've never been called by a police officer before. What does that mean? You like discipline. Okay.
I'm sorry. What is it? Is it from Baton Rouge? What's your real name? My real name is Sal. What do you want? I don't want it. You called me. What do you mean we? No, I said you called me. What? Is this a joke? Are you pranking me? That's amazing. Where are we? You called me. Take it back! What? Take it back! My friend, Jean Renoir, trying to play a trick on me. I'm the party pooper. Walk me up. Who is this? Is this a joke to me? What? What what? Where is this? Who's unfair? I'm hanging out. No. Maybe it would sound like that. Maybe. I don't know.
I'm just wondering what a soundboard prank call would sound like if you were to prank call. Oh, my God. Tattoo. Poor little guy. Woke him up in a dead sleep. You called me. You called me. Oh, I thought this was fantastic. So Vice President Biden is in Kabul in Afghanistan. And he says, oh, I'm sorry. That's just this. It's his foot in his mouth again. No, no, no. No, no, no. When Obama was campaigning, I was not an Obama guy. And I took a lot of heat, you know, because Obama was so popular. And to say anything negative about Obama was to be really un-American because Obama was talking about hope and change. Meanwhile. And the candidate that I really liked was Mike Huckabee, who did really good out of the gate and then faded. And the nominee ended up being McCain. And I was pointing some things out on the air. I said, look, you know, it isn't that I don't have anything personal against Obama. He just doesn't know what he's doing. He's a junior senator. The guy just doesn't know how to run the country.
And the only he might at some point, but he's very young in his career. He just needs to grow and learn and, you know, get some get long in the tooth. That's it. I love that expression. That's the truth. That's what I really felt. And I felt like he was underqualified for the job. Same deal with Sarah Palin. She's not qualified to run this country, in my opinion. And I think that she's less qualified, by the way. Than Obama, because Obama shows better judgment than she does, in my opinion. But anyway, Obama said, when I'm elected, when I'm elected, I will bring the troops home within my first 90 days in office. And John McCain made big headlines for saying the opposite. And he made these headlines like he was a whack job. Here's what John McCain said. John McCain goes. I say we stay in Iraq or Afghanistan for 100 years if we have to. And people were like, are you freaking nuts? But he knew what he was talking about. He knew that the situation in Iraq and the situation in Afghanistan was one that if you just leave, you're basically putting those people up for slaughter. We went in there. We did some stuff.
We have to have a base there. We don't have to fight. But we got to have, like, men and women set up there like we do in Japan. A presence. We have to have a presence there. And Obama went, nope, I'm bringing them home in 90 days. Then he learned, oh, well, like, no, I can't bring them home in 90 days. So he said, he changed it. And he said, I will bring them home within the first 100 days. And then he went, oh, boy, I didn't know. We need to send 10,000 more troops because he realized that that's what you got to do, which is what John McCain suggested. John McCain said, if you want to stop this thing, send 40,000 troops. That's what we need. So here was Vice President Biden in Afghanistan telling everybody what our plans are in Afghanistan. The United States, if the Afghan people want it, are prepared, and we are not leaving in 2014. Hopefully, we will have totally turned over the ability to the Afghan security forces to maintain the security of the country. But we are not leaving. We are not leaving. Great idea. I mean, I wish I would have thought of that. Oh, wow. Now, wait a second. I did.
The thing is, is that John McCain is not the best looking guy. He's not bad looking. He's just, he's just not sharp. And I'm telling you, Obama, sharp cat, man. Yep. Well spoken. Best spoke. And I mean this with all sincerity. Obama may be the best speaker I've ever witnessed. That dude. I mean, he's the best. He's the best. But I'm looking at this thing. I'm like, you got it. I couldn't believe the clip. I played the clip. I'm like, that can't be the deal. 570-1949 is the number. And if you want to text us, you could do that. 949mikey at gmail.com. I know what I want to do. In fact, I feel like we haven't done it for a while. You guys want to do some Woods of Wisdom? Are you ready? It's been a while. You ready to do some Woods of Wisdom? Wait a minute. Here, where is it?
And you can call, too. If you have a question, a guy question for Woodsy, call us. Woodsy's our guy's guy. The guy has had some luck in his life in the department of ladies and dressing, you know, clothes. He just nodded when he said that. Hey, listen, I knew the guy when he was single. I knew the guy when he was single. And, you know, I think he's a guy's guy. And so, you know, you call us 570-1949 if you have a guy's guy question. You know, you can be a girl. You can be a guy. It doesn't matter. But you're just going to call us and you're going to ask us a question, a question geared towards Woods. Now, we get them on the Internet, too. If you go to MikeyShow.com, you can see on MikeyShow.com there's a little link that says Woods of Wisdoms, right? And you can write him a question like M1 Beansy did. He said, Woods, what's the best way?
to a sign designated driver. I don't drink, but I also hate having to drive a bunch of clowns every time. Do you have a system? You don't have a choice. You don't have a choice, and you're a good dude for DDing with your boys. Yeah, but he don't like it. I'm sorry. You don't drink. I'm sorry. You don't drink. Well, it's either that or you get driven home by some drunk guy and you don't want that either. Or somebody else can do it. They're not going to do it. They're not going to do it. Get some gas money, though. You can do that. Yeah, make them pay you. Be like, listen, I'm tired of this bit. But they're going to be like, all right, don't come out with this not-drinking guy. They'll have to pay for a cab, then. Yeah, I think that he's up the creek, man. If you don't drink and you go out with a bunch of guys at booze, you go to a bar. You're driving. You're driving. That's definitely taking advantage of him, though. Just assume that he's going to drive every time. Do any of you guys throw a bunch of names in a hat? Yeah, but then you have to trust somebody that says they're not going to drink. You have to trust that they don't. I mean, you're out at the bar. You're trying to meet lady friends and talk to your boys. You don't want to be like, where's Mitch? Is he pounding shots? He better not be. He better not be. Exactly. How about this one? Woodsy, I have a thing where I judge a girl. I judge if a girl is hot.
If I can imagine her jogging and still being hot after the jog. Oh, wow. Do you have a thing like that? M1 Len. Yeah, but I can't talk about it on the radio. Oh, boy. You have a thing that you judge if a girl is good looking. Oh, no. Oh, boy. I don't know. What? I really want to know. That creeped me out. That look that he just gave. Disgusting. Yeah, it was like I just drank sour milk. I've just tried to picture the worst possible thing he could be talking about. And figured it probably is worse than that. Yeah. I bet you're right, L.O.B. You're right, L.O.B. Oh. Yeah. Just kidding, you guys. Am I? No. No, I. The. My thing. You know what my thing is? Mine's really easy.
If I can wake up next to him in the morning and they still look beautiful. I have a thing. Dude, I'm dead serious. I'm turning his microphone off, Sienna. I'm going to have a conversation with you. I'm going to talk to you, Sienna. Because I know he's lying. I'm not lying. You probably heard that in a movie. Sienna, percentage of chance when we turn these microphones off. Woods is going to tell us the real disgusting. Well, there is a bad guys. You know how you tell if a girl's good looking? Well, you picture every girl you see nude. I mean, that's just every guy does that. So that's one of my bits. But the real one is, is if you can wake up and they still look hot without makeup and they, you know, they got crust in their eyes. If you're still on board with that, then I'm all the way in. Morning breath. Morning breath. I'm fine with. I know a guy said that he watched, he knew. That he was in on this girl. Because he watched her blow her nose. And it didn't disgust him. Yeah. That's good. He says that when a girl blows her nose, it's the filthiest thing he's ever seen. Oh, yeah. And he said that he watched her blow her nose and she was still hot. Yep. Yeah, mine is makeup. Makeup-less. And it doesn't even have to be when you wake up. I have a thing that I call a classic beauty. A classic. That looks like she could have come from...
She's always going to be beautiful. Yeah. When I see my wife in the morning, no makeup, I'm like, she's still beautiful. I was watching her sleep last night. Beautiful. I was like, gosh, she's so pretty. Yeah, I know. Very creepy. But it's a true story. So feast on it. Is she listening right now or what? Yeah. No, she's at work making cold calls real good. Make that money. Listening online? Yeah. Did you do something wrong? No. I mean, for you to say you watched her sleep is weird. No, I watched her sleep. She fell asleep before me for once. Kid's mind was racing last night real good. I just want to say that my wife is the greatest thing that's ever happened to my wife. Must be the woman I've ever seen. She is. You know what we have to get for the moments when you do that? I want to get the Jerry Maguire music. Secret Garden. You know what I'm talking about? I totally do. Sorry, guys. I just love my spouse. I know you. What knockers. Yes, great knockers. Last one, Woodsy. Yeah. Woods. Yes. Do you prefer a girl to wear a dress or jeans on a first date? M1 Lynn. It's been so long since I had a first date. I'd say a dress. Yeah. Yeah. A dress is good. But boy, I sure love a girl and some sexy DJs, too. Designer jeans. Yeah, I agree with you. That's when you're more like.
casual and comfortable but a girl in a dress easy excess foxy oh no it's just making a good first impression jay that was the first one jay said all day i think no he said a lot yeah he just said played what knockers i try to i try to be desensitized when it comes to jay and he still is able to get me daily daily multi-daily yeah multi-daily like i think to myself i'll get over it I'm going to hide behind my microphone. He does. He thinks his head's smaller than the microphone. Stop doing Mr. Roboto, please. There's a certain old school sex pot that is apparently covered in tattoos and we don't know it. Oh, wow. And I'll give you a hint. She's a hot southern blonde. Petty white. From back in the day. That may be the answer. Maybe it isn't. We'll tell you next. I'm back on the hard-boiled eggs. How's that going? So I smell. No, I took it out in the hall. I was with you. Oh, it smells like carrots and throw up. Outside I was. I don't do that in the studio. I know. I was with you. It stunk. I don't do it in the studio. We were visiting. Maybe don't follow him when he's going to the bathroom. He wasn't in the bathroom. He's right up there. Yeah, thanks for that. It works. It's good for Jay. I already feel less chubby. Just eat it in your car. Leave him alone. Really?
There's nothing wrong with a hard-boiled egg. No, nothing. He said that, by the way. He goes, maybe eat it in your car. And right after he said it, he put his Dr. Pepper bottle up to his lips and spit chew into it. Yeah, exactly. Maybe practice what you preach. No. I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. It's Lauren O'Brien, LLB. It's Sienna. It's Jay. Screening phones for us today is Will. It's Will. It's Will. Oh, boy. I have to do it. You can't do it. So, old school sex pot apparently has tattoos, and I didn't know about it. I don't think anybody knew about it. You know who's totally tattooed? I should even tell this. No, please do. Never mind. This is Roseanne Barr telling a story. I can tell. On who? Dolly Parton is totally tattooed. No way! Yeah, you're making it up. Dolly Parton. You're making it up. I should have put it in my bunk, damn it.
She showed me. I tell a lot of things about a lot of celebrities, but I should have put in the Dolly Parton. Well, you've done it now. Well, she's got, like, all these awesome tattoos all over her body. No black or no blue lines. All, like, pastel gorgeous bows all over everything. You know, now you make me want to see Dolly Parton naked. And I've never wanted to before. Ouch. Haven't you? I have a question. Have you guys heard the thing about, and let me do this first. M1 Superior from Poway. Yeah. What was the word of the day? Chubby. That's right. It was chubby. You are going to Pamplemousse and you're taking somebody with you. Come on, man. Cool. Thank you. Yeah, you're going on January 18th. It's restaurant week. And here's the thing, bro. You will be responsible for alcohol and gratuity. But other than that, meals taken care of. All right, man. Sounds good. All right. Hang on the line, okay? You got it. Thank you. I don't know if you guys heard this story. Ashton Kutcher, he says, and I'll explain, but Ashton Kutcher says tweets are like roses. What he means by that is that you can tweet something to your lady and it will be the equivalent of giving her roses because it's public and you're making it public and to say something very kind and very sweet.
On a public forum like Twitter is like giving roses. It's almost better because more people will see it. What? Fake bit. I'm not saying. What? Crazy. But in some people's minds, I can see it. I mean, everyone will see it. What do you mean fake bit? I did it. Rebecca barely cared. Yeah. I do it all the time. And I think my wife's losing interest. Tweeting or like on Facebook? I do it on Facebook. Facebook's like, here's a song just thinking of you. Oh, God. Do you? Sorry, I'm a romantic. Sorry, I love my wife. Oh, wow. Couldn't you just tell her? Did you do something wrong last night? No, I do it all the time. He'll be sitting next to her in the house and just send it. Sorry, I give an ass, you guys. Maybe go pick up some roses. I do. I buy her flowers all the time. He's like, why do I have to do that? I have a radio station. I get to talk over. I screw up. I just come on the radio. I watched her sleep last night. It's true. She was beautiful. She's gorgeous. She was just laying there. Love of my life. Just laying there all beautiful. I looked at her face and I said. Maybe you guys try it. I'm not. I mean, I'm not going to lie. Looking at your wife in her sleep? Yeah. No problem. Gross. There's nothing better than flowers. But because Todd doesn't have a Facebook, I do get a little jealous. Because he's not allowed. When I see guys say sweet things about their girls on there. Woods, you do it all the time, though. Can I look? Like overkill? Can you look at what? I'm going to show you.
How many times in the last couple weeks that I've done on my wife's page. And I'll show you, like, what I wrote. Sure. If that's cool. What was yours say to Rebecca? Did you get a response at all? She clicked. She liked it. No. She put, like, thank you, hon. What did you say? Did you post on her page or on your page? I want to know what you said. On her page. I could probably find it. Yeah, I mean, it's a long time ago, but I could probably find it. Did you say something sweet about her? Yeah. To her. Like, you know, on her page. You know, I was making it public. I could see you, Mike, loving if Rebecca did that to you. Really? That's not my love language. Really? It's not my love language. I said on New Year's Eve, I said, Happy New Year, dear. We killed it in 2010. Can't wait for 11 and 12 and 13 and 14, et cetera, et cetera. I love you. And then I had our wedding song. I posted that, By Your Side by Sade. Nothing wrong with that, you guys. Wow. Then I said. Lord and I just looked at each other as if to say. Not I love my dear. And then I said, on Christmas, I said, Merry Christmas, my dear. Quite different than last year. I love you more each day. I cannot wait to see what 2011 brings us. It's as if Maya Angelou. I have a question. What? I have a question. Don't freak out, Woods. Don't freak out. Okay. You spent both those holidays with your wife. This is the same thing in my mind. So you could have told her. I did tell her. So don't freak out.
I love that you have to preface it with don't freak out. Do you at all want other people to be like, oh, look how sweet he is? Of course. I found it. Of course I do. I found my. Of course I do. I'll read you what I said and I'll read you what her response is. Okay. I said. Now your intention was to be romantic or you were just like. He was copying me. Were you? I want to know why. I want to know why. I wish people could see my face right now. Oh, that's why I just cackled. He's copying me. He's not copying you. You are furrowing your brows, squinting your eyes and shaking your head. It was as if Woods just said to me. Did you guys know that Mike urinates in the elevator? Mike's on radio because I'm on the radio. Yeah, Mike's on the radio because I'm on the radio. Like, what? You're so lucky I let you work here, pal. Oh, my gosh. You ready for what I said? Wait, I need the backstory. Why? What was going on in your box? I did it.
I think he even said something. I'm going to try what you do. I think he said that. I think he said that. Did he not? No, he did. Thank you. You did. Thank you. What? Thank you, thank you, thank you. You did say, I'm going to try your bit and see if Rebecca likes it. I have no idea what she's talking about. And scene, my friend. And scene, I told you. I don't remember it. I don't remember it. Weird. I want to know, did you guys have a fight? No. It was just for no reason. I just did it to be sweet. Okay, what did it say? Because I did it. December 14th. Oh, boy. Did you write something on December 14th? Okay, it might have been, yeah, I tried your bit to see if Rebecca likes it. Yeah, I know that you've talked about it, and I said, I've done that. In the process of talking about doing this, I said, listen, I've done it. No work for me. Yeah. What did you say? I said, I love you so much, my love. Stop high-fiving you two, LLB and Woods. Mike, keep going. Ignore them. I love you so much, my love. I love you so much, my love. Exclamation point. Overkill. What? Redundant. Oh, my gosh. Spiraling. You're just crawling under the table so Mike can't see him. I'm going to blast off. Your ears are going to have smoke coming out of it. I love you so much, my love. Exclamation. Continue. Mike is like a tea kettle right now, just heating up.
He's short and stout, that's for sure. Oh, gosh. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. We're all going to be fired by the end of the day. Woods is still under the table. Get up, you clown. Tomorrow you're going to hear, welcome to the Mikey. Mikey, Woods is wearing his poop jeans for the third day in a row. Don't worry. Are you? Yes! That's all he wears. That's all he wears. Same thing every day. You know that. Maybe incinerate him. No! These are DJs. They're like $200 jeans. Just put on underwear. I don't think they're worth $200 anymore. They're worth like $150. $1.50? I think that's too much. Let's go back to your redundant poem. Okay, fine. I have more questions about your jeans when we're done. I love you so much, my love! Another my love. No, no. We're starting over. Is that another one? Yeah, he's a standing. He's starting over. Oh, you're starting over. Okay, go ahead. Yeah. Mike, it's okay. From the top. It's okay. Just ignore him. He's trying to be a pest. Hi, Rebecca. I love you, Rebecca. He's trying to be a pest. Oh, because you guys don't give it to me every day. Good lord. Easy poop jeans. Yeah, there you go. I love you somewhere. They're not DJs anymore. They're PJs.
I said, I love you so much, my love. Exclamation point. This is Tourette's love. I just love you. Tourette's love? Yeah. Can't stop saying it. It's a thing that I have with her where every once in a while I'll just write her an email and tell her I love her. That's how much I copy Woods. I've only been doing that for five years. Yeah, I've been doing it for nine. That's sweet. I like that. I would just write her an email and I would just tell her how much I love her and I would put on there Tourette's love. That was always the subject because it would just blur. It just pours out. I would just pour out of me. Do you curse at her? And she wrote back, she wrote back, ah, sweets, I love you too. That's nice. She did respond. Didn't mention it outside. Oh, really? No. Not like that was really sweet. No. Redundant poem that you wrote for me. I don't necessarily think that that's my love language either. It might be like, Like, Matt has put, like, I'm so proud of my girlfriend. Here's something that she wrote. Or, like, and he would send, like, a link to something that I wrote online. Or, like, the first day I was on the Mikey show, he put, like, everybody listen. Because Kutcher's thing is that if you tell your lady in Twitter or Facebook to the world how, you know, oh, you're so beautiful and you mean so much to me, that that is the equivalent of giving her roses. I see it all the time and I'm always like, easy, get a room. I see it all the time and I'm like, oh, boy, with you.
Really? Yeah. I think if it's all the time and if it's overkill, it's annoying. But if it's something that you can tell is maybe like a little inside joke and it's sweet. Easy, Jerry Maguire. I'll do the inside jokes. Sorry, I love my wife. If a picture is nice of somebody. I don't want everyone to see. I don't want everybody to know. Yeah, we know. We get it. Okay. There's nothing better, though. Sorry, we're best friends. No. You know? Sorry I'd give an ass. Sorry. What? I want to apologize for loving my soulmate. What? She won't do it. I just heard this Deftones song. I thought of you. While I was sitting next to you. I want to apologize for it. Hey, listen. I won't give her my password to my email. She can have my password. I'll give everybody my password. I love you so much. What are you looking at? Hey. Why don't you keep your eyes on your own paper? I love to watch you sleep. Hey. Why don't you get out of my stuff? It's a good bit. It's a good bit. It works. But do you think she likes that more than if you brought her flowers? I bring her flowers. I just brought her flowers four days ago. What kind of flowers? A mix of roses. Did you? Yeah. Get her on the phone. I bring her flowers all the time. That's really sweet. Yeah. You know what? We threw them away before last night, before you got there, because they were dead. They were like five days old.
True. On my unborn son. Oh, you had to pull that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. It's creepy. That's a statement, right? On my unborn son. I swear. Stop it with that already. Or like Jay's bit. I swear on a stack of Bibles. I swear. I did. For no reason. Apparently Jamie likes it. So it worked for them. But it does not work for me. I think that's a cool thing that you got her the flowers. Because I recommended it about two weeks ago to you. No, did you? Because we were at the flower store. Remember when I said that? Yeah, but see, I don't get them because I screw up. I get them because I actually just do it for no reason. I do too, but that time I did too. I know you did. What did I screw up about? You did something. Oh, I remember. I know exactly what it was. Did I even tell you guys this on the air? This is great. I had to buy flowers. Or off the air. You're going to be like, you're a monster. No, or off the air. Can we say it on the air? Yeah, we can say it. Write it down. We have to go to break. No, we don't. No, we don't. We'll tell it when we get back. No, we don't. We're fine. We're fine. We've got two minutes. Okay. One minute. No, it's time right this second. Your lack of help in that regard. What did I do? You didn't do anything, and she wanted you to address everything.
And you're like, oh. Yeah. You're a monster, by the way. Uh-oh. He knew. Mikey and I went to run errands when we were on break. That's what it was. On Christmas vacation? It was on Christmas vacation. He goes, before we go to Target, we were going to go Christmas shopping. He goes, before we go to Target, I got to stop. And I go, what did you do? And he told me. And I go, oh, yeah. You better drop some coin on this bouquet. So what do you do? What do you do? It was Christmas time. Am I going to be mad at you? Yes. Oh, yes. Sienna, I was thinking yesterday how you got mad at me about something I did with Rebecca. And I'm like, you know, because I shame him even worse. Well, that's the thing. You get it at home and you get it here. Here's the deal. Like if Rebecca were on the phone right now and she were telling you the things that I do that are really sweet and like good husband stuff, she'd tell you a lot of stuff. But, you know, you're hearing these stories. Right. This is great. Because these are the good ones. Yeah, yeah. So Rebecca wanted me. I'm bracing myself. You guys had just gotten back from dinner, I think, with us, right? Yes. It was kind of a late dinner. It was late-ish. Yes. And to my defense, she asked me to do this. And I know you guys are going to be like, whatever. She asked me to do this.
I never said okay, but she... You don't have to say okay. It was an agreement. You don't have to say okay. Yep. It was like we both knew that it was okay, but I didn't want to. And I never said okay, but that is no excuse, and I realize it. What did you do? You realized it real good the next day, too. Yes, I did. So all she wanted me to do was help, like, sit down with her on the floor, She was going to wrap the presents for Christmas, and all she wanted me to do was write on a card the person's name. That's it. That's it.
Hang on, you guys. Hang on, you guys. Hang on, you guys. Please, please, please, please. I hope there's one guy in the audience with me right now. I hope there's one guy that's like, I would do that too. My husband, I already would back you up. I'm telling you. Okay, so we get home, and I'm just a big baby. We get home, and I'm a big baby, and I'm like... After running your errands? No, we went to dinner with Woods. I think, right? We went to dinner. They came home. Rebecca's like, babe, are you going to... She's like, can you help me do the thing? Kids were sleeping. And so I go and I sit down all angry Indian style. And I'm like sitting on the ground. And Jake was actually still awake. And Jake was being a pain in the butt. And I know what she wanted. And I should have. I should have kind of handled she. Oh, God. Because she was doing the heavy lifting, man. She's wrapping gifts. And Jake is doing all the stuff. And I'm not only not helping with Jake, because I'm doing that thing that we talked about the other day where the girl called and the girl said, do you guys ever purposefully not do something good? And so I'm purposefully not doing a very good job with Jake. I'm not doing a good job.
It worked. And she goes, you know what? You can just go to bed. And you went to bed? Well, you have to understand something about Rebecca. And you might, L.O.B., because you're born on the 2nd of December. She's born on the 3rd. You might relate. You have to understand something about Rebecca. When she says, you know what? You can just go to bed. You can't go, no, no, no, no. I'll stay. I'll stay. I'm sorry. And have her be like, okay. Not going to. Once she gets to, you know what? You can go to bed. You better not only go to bed, just get away as fast as you can. Because if you try to talk her out, you're not going to talk her out of it. You're not going to be like, oh, I'm sorry. I'll stay. Blah, blah, blah. No. She's mad. When she gets to that point, it's like you've sufficiently proved you're an A. Yep. You've totally let me know that you're a complete A. And as soon as she said, you can, she goes, why don't you just go to bed? I was like, oh my gosh, I am freaking.
I'm freaking... Your teacher just caught you cheating or something. That feeling. But you knew it was coming. I'm walking up the stairs and I'm like... Did you say anything or did you just stand up awkwardly, hang your head and go, come on, Jake, let's go? No. You didn't even say, come on, Jake. I'll tell you what I did. Because a lot of times when somebody gets angry at you, your response is to get angry at them. Have you ever done that? All the time. Why are you mad at me? Right. And so she goes, you know what? She goes, you can just go to bed. And I go, okay. Wow. Like all irritated. Like finally. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know it's be different. It's not be perfect. Okay. Right. It's not be perfect. I know. And I'm not. And I'm not. And the next day. I went and got the flower arrangement of all flower arrangements. Of the year. She said it's the most beautiful arrangement I've ever gotten. And it took this awesome lady like 20 minutes to put this thing together. It's freezing cold. It's raining. I wish we knew the name of that place. It's so great. They make the most beautiful. And they do it like. I've seen.
I think it's like in La Costa over there. No, it's on Encinitas Boulevard. Oh, I know what it is on Encinitas Boulevard. I get my flowers there. It's the same place that there's Indian food and a Wells Fargo in the parking lot. Light bulbs unlimited. And there's this restaurant called Savory in the parking lot. It's right by Savory. Yeah, it's right by Savory. And I'll tell you what. This is where Rebecca got those flowers that she had before. Yeah, that's what I was thinking about. For our AIS reps maybe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we did the AIS thing. So the flowers make it better? Does it fix it? Well, I was there for the delivery. Listen, here's the deal. I mean, what I did was I gave her a very heartfelt I'm sorry. And the deal with I'm sorry with her and I is that it can't just be I'm sorry. It has to be an acknowledgement of what I did. Of guilt, right. You know, here's what I did. And it's wrong. And please forgive me. And I will try not to do it again. I was there for the handoff. I didn't say that. I was there for the handoff of the flowers. You were there? I was there. We were watching. Oh, my God. Maybe you go home. He was forcing me to watch Christmas Vacation. I'm just kidding. I wanted to. I wanted to see Christmas Vacation. We walked in the house. And I go, are we cool, dude? Or is this cool? And he's like, yeah, we should be fine. She just got home. And these will help. And she walked out. And she goes, hi, hon. And he goes, hey, babe.
These are for you. He goes, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry about last night. And she goes, okay. And took him and walked away. And I'm looking and I'm like, oh, you're still dead. You're still dead. No, I knew I was good. You did it in my time. I knew I was good. What? Why were you there? We were watching a matter on the phone. It doesn't matter. That is awful. It was Mike's fault. This turns into my fault because he's in a hole. Mike's fault. I'm the jerk. Now I'm weird. I'm a jerk now. Yes. Holy crap. How dare you. I hate this show. I hate it. PJ. I'm going to DSNC. The DSNC. Oh, no. Sienna, what's going on in the news? Well, big news. The new governor, Jerry Brown, has said that he's ordering half of the California state government-paid cell phones to be. disconnected, canceled. I guess 40% of all state employees are equipped with these taxpayer-funded cell phones, and he said that he can cut out $20 million a year just by taking out half of these cell phones. So these are, you know, taxpayers' dollars. You know, a lot of companies, they'll give you a cell phone. So these people have, you know, two cell phones anyway, their own cell phone and the government-paid one. So it makes sense to me. Yeah, nice work. Also, guys, you may be excited by this.
MGM says their plan to resume production on the next James Bond film are back on track with Daniel Craig. You guys like Daniel Craig, don't you? I like the James Bond movies. Right. It's the 23rd film in the James Bond franchise. He doesn't care. Maybe I should have stopped at like 10. What's going on in sports? Oh, man. So Cam Newton, everybody knows, is a Heisman Trophy winner, won the national championship. You guys remember, his father was not supposed to be anywhere near. the Auburn program. He was not supposed to be at the game. He was at the game on Monday night, and that's a whole other story in itself. But Cam Newton went on Jay Leno last night, and Jay Leno asked him, how has it been, you know, all the distractions and stuff with your father, Cup 3? There was a lot of controversy over the past year with your dad. Was that hard to block out when you're playing? Was that hard to just keep focused on the game with all kinds of stuff going on? You know, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say it wasn't hard at some point. But I think, My supporting cast via my coaches, my teammates, family members, co-friends, classmates, peers. The list goes on with how much support I was receiving throughout the weeks during that time. And that's the main reason why I was so successful during that time. There you go. And this story is...
Insult to injury. The Cleveland Cavaliers are the NBA worst 8-30 this season. So they lost last night by 55 points to the New York Knicks. Oh, I'm sorry. The Lakers actually got them 112-57 last night. So what happened? LeBron, who used to play for the Cavs, now plays for the Heat, goes on Twitter and says, quote, Crazy. Karma is a B. Gets you every time. It's not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything. Maybe grow up, LeBron. You're happy. You're 30-9. You get the second best record in the NBA. He took a lot of heat, though. He did. He deserves a little vindication. He's also a professional. He's a kid. I guess God also sees all that pride. Yeah. Right? You know what comes before the fall? Pride comes before the fall, LeBron. I liked the first half of the tweet, and then I didn't like the second half. Karma is a B. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Yeah. They said a lot of bad things. And people threatened to kill him and stuff. Oh, I know. I know. It's a whole crazy thing. But, man, you just, it's like, if they don't win a championship, they're going to be like, hey, karma's a bee, pal. You know what I mean? And if you can dish it out, they'll have to take it. You got to take it. Absolutely. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, Depeche Mode. Violator. There are certain people.
that when I hear them speak, they just delight me. They just absolutely delight me. Richard Simmons is one of them. Seems that you've lost weight since you've been here. Yes. I'm already in. All the way in. I'm already in. When I got to be 62. 62? No way. Wow. On your birthday, do you look at your birthday suit? Yes. So I looked in the mirror and I said, you know, I could do better. Uh-huh. So I decided to eat three more portions of vegetable a day. Mm-hmm. And exercise 40 minutes of toning. Mm-hmm. And teach all my classes around the country at Slimmons. Slimmons. Oh, my gosh. Genius. Slimmons. Slimmons. This is so great. How have we not heard of that? When life gives you Slimmons, you make Slimmonade. That's right.
Slimmons Pickens. Big afro. Gene Slimmons. Luke and Laura on General Hospital. Now, first of all, I think that's interesting because all you do is talk about people losing weight. Now, now, you guys know me. You've known me for a long time. And even the listeners, if you're new to listen to the Mikey Show. You know, I'm going to try to put this in context for you. You know, I do not delight in anybody's pain, okay? Especially anybody crying. Forget it. Sometimes, though, I think Richard is putting it on a little bit. He cries a lot. He cries a lot. And I don't know if it's always, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. ...weight and working out, and yet you yourself... Well, you know, I'm a human being, you know. Your mother dies, you put on a couple pounds. I get very sad when people, you know, don't follow the program and get to be overweight and obese. And here's what it is. I just figured it out. I just figured it out. What? It's the... The build-up. He starts with the... I'm human just like all these people. I love food.
It's always a temptation. And, you know, you could put a few extra pounds on under these tank tops. Really? They're laughing. They're laughing. They are. They're laughing. Why did they laugh? Because that's not something to cry about. No. No, they're on Ellen. They think everything's a joke. Everything is a joke. If I cried every time I put on two pounds, I'd be bawling. To my defense. There's also something to the man that's crying wearing a sequined tank top. Yeah. And dolphin shorts. And dolphin shorts. Oh, my God. Short, short. Nobody would notice or make fun of you. Right. So I started at 159. And I really worked hard to try to be a good example for everybody on the cruise. And I got down to 134 pounds. And I did really good. Yeah. Yeah. Too soon? He could fit in my pocket. I just wear him like a little. Ellen looks at him and goes, why are you crying? She's more of a man than he is. Why are you so upset, Richard? Yeah. What happened? You're supposed to be funny. You guys better not be me. You're not making fun of him, are you? Who's this? This is K-Neck. What are you doing? Are you guys on the air? No, we're not making fun of him. No, we're not making fun of him. We love Richard Slimments. Were you going to be upset?
Oh, I was because he's one of my idols. I love Richard Simmons. Are you an aerobics instructor? No, I'm not. Do you have dolphin shorts? What? Do you have dolphin shorts? Yes, I do. But I'm not an aerobics instructor. So why is he your idol? Just because you like him? No, because he's gay. Oh. He's gay? Yeah. Is that confirmed? It's not confirmed, but... It's common knowledge. You can't just state things gay, Nick. The man was wearing a sequined tank top. Fair enough. On the Ellen DeGeneres show. Fair enough. People think that I'm gay. I'm not. My name is Gay Nick. My last name is Nick. First name gay? First name's gay. That's not true. And people always make assumptions about me. They're like, oh, you must be gay. And I'm like, just because my name is Gay Nick doesn't mean that I'm gay. Is it short for Gaylord? It is. Okay. That makes sense. Gaylord Perry. Gaylord Nick. Maybe we just call you Greg. Well, Gaylord is just so lame that I don't want to go by that. I'm like, oh my gosh, mom and dad. So your real name is Gaylord Nick. Mr. Nick? How does this happen? Let's get off the floor. But. But.
It is. Woods has a huge dip in his mouth and he's rolling on the floor. Gaylord Nick! Yeah, but that name is so lame that I'm like, sure, I'm going to go by that. Right. So you think Gay Nick is that much better than Gaylord? Yeah, I think it's a lot better than Gaylord Nick. Why do you just go by Nick? Imagine if you had to go around and you were like, hi, my name's Gaylord. People would be like, oh, hi. Gay's kind of weird. Yeah. I don't know any other gays. What? Gay baby person. No, it isn't. There are actual people named that. Females. Females. Yeah, like what about Gay Charles? That's Ray Charles. I thought it was Gay Charles. No, it's Ray Charles. Gay Charles. No, it's Ray Charles. What about Gay Lewis? It's Ray Lewis. Probably one of the hardest hitters in all of the NFL. It's Ray Lewis. Gay Isabel. That's our producer, Jay, as well. Jay. Jay with a G, though. But anyway, I just love Richard Simmons, and I heard him. Well, we all do. Yeah. We weren't making fun, weren't we? Good. All right, guys, well, that's it. Love your faces. Love yours. See you next time. Okay, Lord.
I did not know that that was his last name. I had no idea. We definitely made a lot of assumptions. We sure did. I've never even heard that last name. Nick. I have a lot of questions for him. Nick. Hey, Mr. Nick. Preservation Nick. Preservation Nick. Nurse walks out into the lobby. Gay Nick. Gay Nick. People are like, whoa, easy, easy. Easy. You can't just say that. You can't just say that. I don't care what he's like. You can't just say that. Gaylord Nick. Gaylord Nick. Gaylord Nick. Next in line. Your brother, Loretta Nick, is here to pick you up. Oh, man. It's like at the graduation ceremonies when they're giving out all the different which I didn't experience, by the way. That's okay. That's what they do. Gaylord Nick. Gaylord Nick. You hear just Snickers in the audience. I don't care if you're 40 years old. You meet somebody named Gaylord, you're like... I've never met anyone named Gaylord. Oh, I want to. And the person that read it is like, they get a note from somebody, they're like, sorry.
Gay. Nick. Gay. Nick. You only have to say it once. He's the principal. He's the guy I'm going to keep saying. I never get to say this. Let's see. Conan was pretty funny last night. I wouldn't know. I wasn't awake. I just. Been asleep for seven hours. Yeah. Just have a clip of him talking about the BCS championship. Big college football championship last night. Y'all watch that. That's right. Get this. In the Tostitos BCS championship game, Auburn defeated Oregon to win the national championship trophy presented by Dr. Pepper.
But the real winner was diabetes. I'm telling you, man. That's brilliant. I love Conan because it's always what I don't expect. That is brilliant. The humor is always, I don't see it coming. And that's my favorite humor. That's hysterical. When I don't see it coming. What? All right. So let me throw this out to you this way. You can walk me through it or talk me through it or whatever. I'm going to ask you what's wrong with, and you just say, I'll tell you what's wrong. What's wrong with a teacher's pet? It makes everybody else look bad. Yeah. That's not the teacher's pet's fault. It's not the pet's fault, yeah. Is it? Uh-uh. Yes. It is. Stop being annoying. Yeah. Really? Get a life, loser. I call it playing the game. That's what I call it. Oh, what? That's just called playing the game, dude. Your life, if you learn how to play the game. Your life sure goes a hell of a lot easier. I'll tell you that. I fought, Sienna, I fought against the machine for so many years. And then my friend Mark Bauman taught me how to play the game. And once I started playing the game, everything was cake. That's right, dude. You've got to play the game. Apparently Mark Bauman needs to make a book of anecdotes. Maybe Mikey's pet, but let me tell you something. Mikey loves a kid, all right? It's great. Yeah, it's great.
Nothing wrong with it. Is there something wrong with a teacher's pet? Yes, they're annoying. What's wrong with it? It's annoying. Describe a teacher's pet that would annoy you. I took names while you were out of the room, teacher, and Jay was... No, that's a tattletale. That's a tattletale. By the way, you're all good with a tattletale, though. What's wrong with a tattletoe? You're fine with a tattletoe. It depends on the tattletoe. Oh, if it's something that you're into, like littering, you're fine with a guy calling and going, I found a guy throwing a cigarette butt out of his car. I didn't say littering. I said cigarette butts. That's littering. Teacher's pet would be like, Mrs. Funston was my first grade teacher. So they'd be like, Mrs. Funston, I'll smack the eraser things together. What are the chalkboard things? Yeah, the racers. Mrs. Funsen, I'll read the story aloud. What's wrong with that? They're taking initiative and they're being nice. It's not giving everybody else an opportunity. Let the teacher call on you. That's her job. You have the opportunity to do what they're doing. Not when Patty Teacher's pet goes first, always.
No, it's like you're a student. Know your role instead of acting like a teacher. Isn't it nice that they're clapping the erasers and cleaning them off? Oh, that's annoying. Let the teacher decide who does it. Let the teacher teach her class. She's in charge. What's wrong with a tattletale? Everything. Well, was something wrong being done? Yes. Mike, come on! Hey, listen. I'm not saying I agree with it. I'm posing the questions. I'm playing devil's advocate here. I don't like rats. I think if it's going to hurt somebody else, I think it's okay. It's always going to hurt somebody else. It's always going to hurt somebody else. It's a tattle? It's a tattle. Did the person get someone in trouble? The person that got tattled on. I think what Jay said is like if it's something serious, like drugs or something, then you tell. Like I tell the kids, it's okay if somebody's going to get hurt. I don't want to hear you tattling if Finn's not doing his homework. I don't want to hear it from you. But if Finn's in there lighting the curtains on fire, then yes, I want to know. Yes, yes, yes. So there's degrees of tattling. There are degrees. Yeah, there's important tattles. Well, I don't know. If you're being accountable, what's wrong?
If I'm being accountable, like what do I have that's going to be tattletaled? You know what I mean? What's he going to tattletale? He could tell your personal trainer that you ate a cheesecake. Something that doesn't. You'd be mad. Because it doesn't affect him at all. If you were doing something like stealing from the company or like you were like treating one of us badly or something like that. And one of us was like tattled to like Garrett. And was like, you know Mikey steals from the company? You know who doesn't get tattletaled on Garrett that he's stealing from the company? The guy that doesn't steal from the company? Exactly. So that's why I think. You know who doesn't have their personal trainer find out they're eating cheesecake? Yeah, but it's none of his business. That doesn't affect him in any way. No, I think if it's about the company you work for and you know someone that's hurting your company, I think you should say something. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. You're a whistleblower, but I think that's your company and you're being loyal to who you work for. But I'll tell you, I could not do it. I couldn't do it. I said go to the person first. Yeah, I probably wouldn't actually do it, but I see that the Tattletail who is trying to keep them, cover their own butt, and if they care about, you know, the people around them. M1 Maiden fan from Penasquitos. Cheers. Go ahead. Oh, hey, good morning. Good morning, good morning. Hey, what's the rule number one when we're trying to get a job? We sell ourselves. Us unruly kids, when we're the pain in the butt, guess where we're at? We're slepping jobs.
Now, the kids who are selling themselves to the teacher, I'll bet you most of them have really nice jobs. Yeah. I wonder if that's true. But their coworkers hate them, too. Probably. I do not agree with that statement. But I'll tell you what. You don't either? No. Why? Because I was the worst student in the world, and I'm doing better than most of my friends that were great students. But does that mean that the person that was the suck-up... Well, why do they have to be called a sucker? Teacher's pet doesn't have any friends. Because that's what they're doing. Friends are more important. It's not, though. It's not. It's called. Well, in school, it's a teacher's pet. In the workforce. It's annoying. In the workforce, it's like a brown nose or like overachiever is what I call it. The overachiever. When you set the bar really high when you start a new gig, like, my wife is doing as we speak. She's killing it. She's making more calls than anybody. And she's like, oh, yeah, they're looking at me like, oh, great. But you know what? My wife's almost 40 years old. We're going to have a kid. She's like, hey, if they don't want to bust their ass, I'm going to. She's doing her job, and she's doing it the best she knows how. She's doing it great. She's not bringing in a bottle of wine her first day on the job to the boss. Exactly. It's true. I don't have a problem with her bringing a bottle of wine. And nor do I.
What's the matter with it? You're buying your way out. Come on. You can buy a bottle, Julie. You can buy a bottle. She's not doing anything that you could. So now I have to buy a bottle of wine. You don't have to. You don't have to. Oh, but they did. So in order to get ahead. Oh, now I got to go to dinner with them on Friday night. Now all of a sudden, Jamie's rubbing elbows with the boss. And they're like, and you know what I call Jamie as her husband? Freaking smart. Yeah. Freaking smart. So now she has to sleep with him. When those commission checks start rolling in, I'm like. You're a badass. You're a badass. I changed my mind because I did the bottle of champagne with our general manager. Oh, yeah. You sure did. Hey, can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? What? Rick R. Jackson said to me, he goes, this is a direct quote. He goes, that little girl's smart. Yep. That was his direct quote. He goes, that little girl's smart. I go, what do you mean? He goes, she did the classiest thing. I never. I didn't tell you that story. He's never even acknowledged me for doing it. Oh, yeah. He said to me. He goes, that little girl's smart. I got a question for Sienna. I want to put you on the spot. Can I say what I did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do highly recommend this. I was in an odd situation that when we were signing contracts.
They wanted me to sign my contract quick. And so he was going out to dinner with his family at a nice restaurant in La Jolla, which is where I live. And I said, you know what? I can actually just meet you there at the restaurant. So I did. We went over the contract in the bar area. And when I left, I gave him a hug, said thank you. I'm now on board with Lincoln Financial. And he went to sit back down with his family. And I went to someone working there and said, look, I want the nicest bottle of champagne you guys have. And I want you to send it to that table. It's classy. I've got to put Sienna on the spot before we go to break. I have to put her on the spot. Do it. The brown nose bit. So when we first started, unbeknownst to most of us, and maybe you guys don't even know this, Sienna went over to the production people and was like, hey, listen, I'll voice commercials. That's not brown nose. I don't think it's brown nosey. I think it's playing the game and being smart. Sure. Because you wanted to get your name out there. But that's not brown nosey. I'm saying, but you would probably consider that. No. But I'm saying, in my opinion, I'm like. Brilliant. Brilliant move. Now when they got something, they wanted to hear you. Good move. That's kind of teacher's pettish, but I'm on board with it. I'm on board with it. I'm on board with it. I'm totally on board with it. I am too. I think it's rad. I'm totally on board with it.
Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. There you go. Thank you. That's what I wanted. I think it would be different if Deanna brought the bottle of champagne into the office as opposed to the way that she did it. Oh, it's classy. Yeah. What you did was good. I walked out of there like, I am the best. So when we come back, this one is like, I heard this clip and I'm still trying to figure out if it's serious. And I'm 99% sure it's serious. And if you know the answer in here, don't tell me because I don't know and I want to discuss. Is Elizabeth Hasselbeck, is she against birth control? Don't tell me the answer if you know it, if she's actually not or whatever. It's just weird, this thing. It's weird. I got a clip? Yeah. I don't think so. I have no idea. She's annoying. I got to play you this clip. It fascinated me and I want to see what you think of it. We'll do it when we come back. Why did Edward Furlong go to jail? violated a restraining order from his estranged wife. You can't just go around violating restraining orders. Terminator was after him. He had no choice. That's right. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah. In some trouble. I read he's just a wreck right now. Just a wreck. He has been for a while, I think.
The report I read said he was smoking cocaine, all kinds of crazy stuff. Smoking cocaine? Yeah, smoking cocaine and just boozing a lot. And she's like, all right, pal. It's time to GIT. Oh, wow. Jewel's pregnant. Yeah. It feels real good. Her rodeo husband, Ty Murray. They've been spending a lot of time on the road because I follow Jewel's tweets. Do you really? They must have. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do. I had no idea. I do know what you mean. It's kind of hard to not know what you mean, I guess. If this van's a-rockin'. Got it. She's in her second. Because they travel in a van. That's where Jill got her start. She's in her second trimester, so congrats to them. She's 36. I don't know about that. Really? Yeah. What? What do you mean, really? That she's 36? Yeah, because... I had her in the studio in Dallas 10 years ago. And I'm thinking to myself, man, she was only 26. She was very mature because I think she kind of had to like grow up when she was.
12 years old. She's so pretty. The kid will have her pretty. Snuggles. She never got them though. She didn't get them because she was under privilege. There's a good chance because her husband's a rodeo. You make money. You sold some records. She likes them now. They're part of her. Maybe it's beautiful no matter what. It doesn't matter. Easy Aguilera. It's pieces of her. Easy Aguilera. Trying to save her soul, you know? She was meant for you. Not for me. I don't like snaggle teeth. Is that all the Jewel songs? I think that's all we know. Boston has a new ambulance. They do. For obese patients. Yeah, apparently they're pretty high in demand right now. Oh, boy. They need one two to four times a week because the average ambulance does not hold. I watched a show over on Christmas vacation called The World's Fattest Man. It was so sad. They had to design a special ambulance for him. Why are you laughing? Because... I don't know. I'm sorry. Captain Buzzkill, don't get upset.
Some people can help it, too. I don't know how they would help you if they ever needed to. God forbid, because you're in a basement. Well, he's in a basement. They have to take the roof off his house and crane him out. You know? Lauren's tickling me. That's why I'm laughing. Stop tiggling me. You being tickled is so funny. That's what we were laughing at. You don't know what I look like anyway. I can guess. Heavy breathing is kind of a dead boy. Costco sweatpants. Kirkland's best. Kirkland's best sweatpants underneath our white Fruit of the Looms XXL with skid marks. He buys them black for that person. He buys them black. Elastic. Two socks. Elastics at the bottom. And white tube socks. White tube socks. Slippers. White Velcro shoes. 100%. Oh, wow. T-shirt that says M1Site.com. And another one that says Mikeython. Yeah. Double up.
Yes, you do. Why are you calling us? You listen every day. Well, we gave away Mikey Thon t-shirts up to an XL, so he probably actually didn't get one of those. He probably saved his 50 bucks. We got two and sewed them together. He's wearing them as gloves. Oh, wow. Pillowcases. There you go. All of your words mean. By the way, I have an ungood authority that may be Jeff and Jer. Oh, really? Just for you. Wow. You're a liar. You are a liar. Just a liar. Pants on fire. Costco pants on fire. Kirkland's best. Just have like an 80 piece of hot wings real good. Love it. You love our show. You love us.
about you guys. Where have you been, anyway? We haven't heard from you in a while. Where'd you go? Oh, you went to camp. How old are you? 34. What kind of camp does a 34-year-old go to? Computer camp, I bet. FCC violations camp. Video game camp. Oh, fat camp. Are there skinny people there? It's an exercise camp. Are there skinny people there? Besides the people that work there. Yes. No. Did you sneak any contraband like Snickers? Hershey's. Wouldn't you like to know? Chances he walked in there with Snickers bar shoved down his pants. Yes. I didn't put Snickers down my pants. Where'd you put it? In my t-shirt. How much weight did you lose? 40 pounds. Liar. You gained 40 pounds. I did not gain 40 pounds. I lost two and a half pounds. Good job. That's an improvement.
If I did that every year for seven years, I'd lose 14 pounds. A little bit more, but that's okay. Did you meet any women? Yeah, maybe I did, but I have a girlfriend, so I wouldn't cheat on her. She's fake, remember? She's a doll. That was a joke, you moron. What's your girlfriend's name? Quick, what's your girlfriend's name? Trisha. Trisha? What's her last name? Shut up. Trisha, shut up. I'm going to look her up on Facebook. Yeah, let's see if she's on her Facebook page. Trisha. Fat camp. Trisha, shut up. Fat camp. Shut up. Okay. Weight camp. All right, so Elizabeth Hasselbeck, right? So, no, no, no, I just don't get this. Listen to this and tell me if you could figure this out. You guys should all talk over each other. I wanted to wear strapless today because I'm going to be on a puffy coat and boots tomorrow in the snow. That's right. Hang on. I'm going to give you a setup here. She's going on a... She's basically going to have lunch with her husband is what she's talking about. Oh, nice.
Keep the dress on. I think it's fine. You don't get pregnant. Oh. I do fear getting pregnant. I do. Wow. She always walks around with the big t-shirts on. So when she looks like this, it shows some skin. You know what I've always said to you? What? Keep your legs crossed. Keep my legs crossed. What is this? It didn't work for the first seven years, Barbara. We've been uncrossed. Y'all need a dime. You put it right between your knees. That's what I was going to say. Is this what they always do? Is this an adult film company spoofing the view? And then nothing happens. I only dropped a dime once. That's why I only got one kid. Well, wait a minute. Are they saying that Elizabeth Hasselbeck, like she didn't use birth control? I don't get that. No, it sounds like they're saying that. They're just giving her a hard time because she gets pregnant a lot? Gets after it a lot. How many kids does she have? I think she's got a couple. Three or something? No, she's got more, doesn't she? I don't know. Why are they telling her to keep her legs crossed if she's married? See, the reason I thought they were saying it is because she gets pregnant. Right. And that led my thought to be, I wonder if she didn't believe in birth control. That's what you thought? Well, why else would someone say, you know, keep your legs crossed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are they saying that in the first place? Yeah, don't worry about it. Because maybe they're going, hey, we know your bit.
You don't use birth control. Keep your legs crossed. Don't have another kid. No, it's like any time when we had all our kids, they said, oh, you know how that happens, don't you? I'm like, no, I don't know how that happens. How do you have all these kids? People just say that kind of crazy stuff. I don't think it had anything to do with birth control. I don't think that, no. She has three kids. They're just being funny. They think they're being funny. I don't get it. The whole thing with a dime is just gross. Well, it is because it's Whoopi Goldberg. It's repugnant. Radio charades, anybody? Oh, yeah. Just play. 5701949. I don't know how to play it. You do. How many times? We have to write them all out. How do we do it? You are the narrator slash middleman. Yeah, I'm going to tell people. I'm going to tell you. You're going to call right now, and I'm going to describe to you what I'm looking at. All right? It's radio charades. Three callers. Three callers, and you're going to have three chances to win. Sienna's going to act something out. Woods is going to act something out. And L.O.B.'s going to act something out. They're all movies. Yes, sir. It's always movies. Mike is going to be describing what's happening and what we're doing, and you try to guess the movie. Yeah, yeah. Easy. You know this. What's the prize? It's Social Distortion at House of Blues, February 20th. It's a good prize. Great prize. So call right now and get in on this. I'm going to have a piece of pizza today. Nope. Yeah, I am too. I'm not. Why?
Because I'm going to die. You'd be a Mr. Goodfellow? Yep. Back to the gym again. Let's see. We got M1 Neil from OB on the line. Are you there, Neil? Yeah, here I am. All right. Let's see. So, Sienna's going to start, and you're going to have 60 seconds. You're going to have 60 seconds, and I'm going to be your eyes. And if you know what the movie is, you've got to yell it out, okay? Okay. All right. Here we go. Okay. There is two words. First word. Oh, punching. Fight. Fight. Fight is the first word. It's two words in the movie. Yes. Yes. Wow. Are you kidding me? Jay, you need to show us too so we know. Very well done. Not Mikey, though. Very well done. Hang on the line. You're going to go see Social Distortion.
That's it. That's what's up. M1JD is on the line. JD, are you there? I'm here. JD's from Oceanside, and Woods is going to be doing the movie. And we'll have 60 seconds. Are you ready? Yes, let's do this. All right, here we go. Five words. First word. First word is, he's catching something. He's catch is the first word. Catch is the first. Second word, me. He's pointing to me. Me. Okay, so it's catch me. If you can. Yes! This is too easy. Holy cow. Nicely done. Very well done. Hang on the line. Hang on the line. And next up is M1, J-Mac from Miramar. Are you there, J-Mac? What's going on, Mikey? Not too much, dude. L-O-B is going to be acting this one out for you. I will be your eyes and ears. I will describe it for you. And you got 60 seconds starting now. Two words in this movie title. First word.
Oh, it's tiny. Little. Little is the first word. Little is the first word. Second word. People. Person. Two people. Two girls. Oh, no. Not a boy. A girl. A girl. A female. Friends. Friends. Boobs. Oh, my God. You got it. That is awesome. That is awesome. Have we ever had three? I don't know. I think so. I love this game. Listeners, M1s are good at this game. I love this game. Like animated mimes. I love that game. Could play that game for an hour. Tiana joined in with me and was like smiling. I'm one J-Mac. Hang on the line, okay? I knew what it was. I was like, I'm one J-Mac. Boobs. She would have pointed for a wood for that. She was like pointing at her boobs. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. Little boobs. Let's see. Wow, Tiana.
No, because he said boobs. That would be my bio pic. Don't do it, dude. Why? Because I said. What's the matter? Because I said. He's not allowed. You're not allowed. Why do you think I waited until I just thought we were going there? No, no, no. I'm not allowed to talk about something else. Remember? All of it. No. Only one thing we're not allowed to talk until Christmas time. All right, I'm going to have to bring something back then. Uh-uh. I'm going to get Heath Bell to call in. We made an agreement, and here was the agreement. Son of a bitch. We cannot make fun of L.O.B.'s Santa Baby or play Santa Baby until the Monday after Thanksgiving. We cannot talk about Woods. And his Christmas interview. Yes. Very creepy interviewing a real pretty girl. Young girl. Named Taylor. One of my favorite names.
I said don't start it. You owe me a dollar, Jay. Jay owes me lunch. We can't. You owe me lunch. He broke it. I didn't play it. It doesn't matter. You referenced it. And my agreement was that on the air, you guys cannot read the humiliating poem that I wrote when I was obese and 21 years old to a girl that I would never, ever have a shot with. Yeah. And so we made that agreement with each other. Now, what was not included in that agreement was the fact that Wood's friend requested. I'm friends with all your siblings. I'm friends with all your siblings. I'm friends with all your siblings. That is maybe the prettiest 15-year-old girl any of us have ever seen. I'm a married 35-year-old man. Hey, even all acknowledge it. It's disgusting. Even all acknowledge it. Even all acknowledge it. She's a pretty girl. She's like, she's one of those girls. She's not that pretty. She's like movie star. Put it this way. Put it this way. Sienna's little sister Waverly.
looks like an actress. Yeah, she's very pretty girl. She's 15. She looks like she'd be famous. Looks like Brooke Shields in the Blue Lagoon. But prettier. But prettier. Yeah. She looks exactly like me, basically. She would be the prettiest girl at school. That's who she is. She'd be the prettiest girl at school. And Woods, in front of Sienna, go, hey, this is what I'm doing. As a joke. As a joke. Waverly. Don't do it, dude. You're doing it. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. It's the same bit. It's a totally different bit, though. Woods, we're not allowed to talk about the Taylor bit because you hate hearing yourself. No, that's not it. You're not hearing yourself now. I'm not playing it. I'm not playing you. I'm not playing it because every time I play you interviewing Taylor, you rip your headphones off and you're so embarrassed of how skeevy you sound. I don't sound skeevy. It's just the audio clips. No, I don't sound skeevy. How come Wavy doesn't accept him? We were friends. We were friends on Facebook. We are not anymore. And why? Because a bunch of 35-year-olds kept friend requesting that? I think she got a bunch of friend requests. Wow. She deleted her Facebook. Not because of me. She'll be back on. This is like a high school thing. It's a drama thing. She's probably having... So-and-so keeps leaving me a message or I keep seeing my ex-boyfriend or something. She'll be back soon. But she told me yesterday I did delete it. Good for her. Hey, Wavy, it's Woods.
It's not a voice like he sounds young. Hey, Wavy, it's Woods. Oh, for God's sake. How come you signed off Facebook? It's so lame. I'm going to sign off, too. Are you on Twitter? Hey, Wavy, I couldn't get a hold of Sienna. I was just wondering if you've seen her today. Tell her to call me when you see her. Late. Hey, Wavy, I don't know if you know, but we're going to have a baby. Do you babysit? Would you hire Waverly to babysit? No. No. You would. Jamie wouldn't. Jamie wouldn't. I would. If I was a single dad, sure. When Jamie saw Waverly at Tiana's baby shower, she goes, oh my gosh. Is that right? One of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. Jamie told me that too. I was like, thanks. We all were saying it. I didn't even notice. Hey, Waverly. Did you see Gilmore Girls? I wonder... I thought it was good. I wonder if somebody's hiring. Did you see Gilmore Girls? I don't know. I just thought it was good. Do you think Chainsaw would let me do sports over there? Do you think he would? Do you think he'd be cool with it? What do you like better? The old 90290 or the newer? Woods and Chainsaw on sports. I made you a cameo on Glee.
Hey, Wadey, are you like a Gleek too? Hey, Wadey, you ever hear of Woods on Sports? I'm Woods. I'm Woods. Oh my gosh, I admit it. I'm a total Gleek. I hate you guys so much. 28 minutes of hell. Hey, Wadey, do you tweet? 28 minutes of hell. Oh my gosh, I'm totally retweeting that. I'm following you. How can you even follow me back? Yeah, follow me back. Really? I want to get all of you so bad, but I won't because we're friends. You do. You just don't have anything. I don't. You live. Not the way you guys get me. You live. Not how you get me. You live for it. You're so exposed. You poop in your jeans. Yeah, I set myself up for a lot of this, believe me. That's right, PJ. You guys might overkill stuff, though. Poop jeans? You wear them every day? What? Yeah, I wear them every day. These are DJs. They're Rockin' Republic. Listen, $200. I'm just telling you, there is nothing funnier to me than 17-year-old Woodsy voice. We had to change it a little bit. In fairness to our agreement, we had to change it a little bit. Holy cow. If your daughter gets poop on her clothes, you don't throw them away. You wash them, right? It's a baby. It doesn't matter. First of all, she can't control her bowel. I can't either. She wears a diaper. Maybe he should.
It was meant to do something else, and I didn't. And I thought I was going to sneak one past the goalie, and it snapped past me. Why don't you wear underwear? Because I can't with these. They bunch up. I go commando in these. Woods wears his poop jeans every day. Yeah, that's the third day of this week. I wear them five days a week. How many times have you washed them since the incident? Twice. Twice? That's it? I washed them a day of, and I washed them yesterday. That's more than I thought he was going to say. I washed them twice. Oh, my gosh. I wash them every couple days. Maybe burn them. Not really. You need a couple pairs of rotating. Like I wear leggings almost every day, but I have like six pairs of leggings. But I don't have $9,000 to get six pairs of good jeans. When the summer comes, it won't be jeans. What will it be? It'll be shorts. My poop shorts. My PSs. Yes. Yeah. Sage, you get some poop on her shirt. You don't throw it away. You wash it. It's all good. Yeah. She's a year old. I mean, she's four months old. Is poop not poop? She wears a diaper. She's a four-month-old. It doesn't matter. She's not eating man food. Yeah. It's a different kind of poop. It's not. It doesn't matter. She can't control it. Mine wasn't really poop even. Wasn't it? No. Please don't go to detail. Yeah, let's move on. Let's move on. Let's keep bringing it up.
Keep bringing it up, Mike. I'm going to talk about it in detail. Send it over the moon, pal. In an actionable way. Get us an FCC fan. Bring it up. I'll get us a fan. It's fair, it's fair. Yeah, fair, it's fair. You keep running mouth, you get fined. You run mouth, I'll fine you. You know who doesn't get fined? Yeah. The guy that doesn't poke the tiger. That's right. Poke the tiger, I'll get our jobs lost. I'll do it out of spite. Just to get us back, I'll get us fired. I'll run this station into the ground, that's right. I'll run this sumbitch right into the ground. I'm telling you. I'll burn it down. I'll take a multi-million dollar radio station and bring it right to its knees. He can keep his eyes on his own paper. 570-1949 is our number. Abs are sore from working out. Tanning, you mean. CreateYourDesignOnline.com is our friend Jared's official graphic design website. Jared. Jared. Jared. Jared. Oh, my God. He's the best. Maybe that sticks. He'll do anything print, anything web. He'll do anything that you need in the graphic design department. CreateYourDesignOnline.com. He's great. I feel loopy. Mm-hmm.
When you laugh so much, your head gets old. I'm like, uh, cookie. Let's see. Oh, man. I hope everybody in the audience is having as much fun as we are, because I'm having fun. I hope that they enjoy it. I hope they're dying laughing. Even a fraction of the fun. Oh, man. Hey, Wavy. Never mind. Hey, Wavy, are you a Mac or a PC girl? Oh, my gosh. PC's so lame. Hey. Wavy, are you on Verizon? How rad was that yesterday? Hey, Wavy, look at my cool pics. Hey, Wavy, have you got histamatic? It takes a close sunset. Her dad, his dad's going to be like, stay away from my family, you crazy. My dad, he's not like that. He's a laugh. I love Keith Richards, man. Wavy, oh my god, have you ever heard an acoustic at Midnight? Midnight Beach is the raddest. Oh my god. Yeah, Wavy, do you do bonfires? Wavy, I can buy beer. She may let you teach her to drive because they won't let her, which is a permit. I was going to say right now, I was going to say, can we get her on the phone? But then I looked and I'm like, literally, she's in high school. She can't come on the phone. She's in third period. She always responds to my texts.
She does? Oh, yeah. I'll text her. Did she hear about you guys making fun of me? Did she hear about that? No, she was in school. Did you tell her about it? No, I told my mom. What did she say? Liar. What did she say? Did she say she liked it? I have a wife. Did she say I was cute? I don't care if she did. I'm just saying. Did she say I was cute? I'm adopting a child, you guys. Let's pretend I was 15. I'm adopting a child. I'm adopting a child. What would you say? If I was a vampire, what would you say? I'm adopting a child. If we were in Twilight, would you be Team Woods or Team Mikey? We both know the answer to that question. Holy crap. It was funny because I did tell Mikey the day Sienna was coming over to pick up a PS2 for her stepdaughter Jenna, I was talking to Mikey and I go, Waverly's on her way over here with Sienna. And Mikey and I were dying laughing. He's been on cologne. He's like, what's that music with Kevin Spacey? I wondered why you came to the door with your shirt off. We had this bit, Mikey and I had this bit where like, Sienna and Wavy pull up and I'm sitting on the front porch. With a guitar. I had a cigarette and a beer and I'm like. Oh, hey Waves, just write a new song.
Oh, hey, Waverly, I was just writing poetry and music. I bought this beer. Oh, yeah, just having a beer. I know it's only 10 in the morning, but I can do that. You know why? Because I didn't drive a car and grow up. See this house? Oh, me. It's called Forbidden Love. Oh. Gross. Gross. Gross. My mom, I can just hear, she's sitting at home watching Baby Sage. Oh, Waverly, text her back. What'd you say? Oh, my mom. It's mom. I took her phone. Sorry, she maybe got in trouble. My mom took her phone. Oh, wow. She still gets grounded. She gets grounded. Yeah, you creep. Hey, wait a minute. This song is called Just Cause It's Not Legal Doesn't Mean It's Not Love. Yeah, just blasting the signal. They drive up, and I'm literally on my front porch with my feet up on like a case of beer, and I'm just... Wait, this is a song I wrote called Grounded. I've been there. Here, I'm going to sing it for you. Doesn't it suck to be grounded? Doesn't it suck to be grounded? I hate it when mom is such a bean and she grounds me again. Doesn't it suck to be grounded?
Oh, you are the creep of the show. Am I? You are. Do you like tattoos? I don't like him either. He's so old. No, I like him. He's cool. My mom just said to me that she's listening and dying laughing. She's been dealing with this for years. I'm sorry, Anset. It's not true. I just figured something out. Are you closer to Sienna's mom's age? My mom is 40. I'm closer to your mom's age. That is so funny. My husband is closer to my mom's age than my age. That's insane. That's in their family. Can I tell that? Yeah, yeah. I just tell that. Brilliant. So Rebecca says that I have, that I show, we have one-year-old twins, Luke and Ryan. She says that I show preferential treatment to Luke. True or not true? Untrue. Maybe it's true. And I – well, wait, wait, wait. And I said, no, that's not true. I said, I don't do that. And I said, and by the way, you show preferential treatment to Ryan, which is 100% true. She does that because – That's what she says. That's her bit. She's overcommentating for his soon-to-be daddy issues. Is it? Oh, wow. Because I'll tell you what it is. She shows him preferential treatment.
The other day, she comes out or he comes out of the shower. Both of them come out of the shower. I'd say, wow. And when they come out of the shower for babies, they make these towels that have a dome on the top of them. Like a hooded towel. That's a hooded towel. It looks like a cape that like hangs on their head. Keeps the head warm. Yeah, keeps the head warm, and it's a cape. Like father, like son. Yeah. And so they both come out of the shower, and Ryan comes over, and he's crying at the side of the bed, and I'm sitting on the bed, weird, and he's got his arms up, and he's like, you know, pick me up on the bed. He's crying. Yeah. Pumpkin. And he only does it for about 10 seconds, and he walks away. And Lukey comes over. And he just puts his arms up and I pick him up. And Rebecca goes, and I didn't even think Rebecca was in the, you know, saw it. Yeah, paying attention. And she goes, did you just, and I was like, oh. She goes, did you just pick Lukey up after Ry-Ry came over and wanted you to pick him up? And I go, yeah. And she goes, why? And instantly it came in my head and I go.
Because you said that we're not supposed to reinforce crying by giving them what they want. Oh. Is that why you did it? That's not why. That's just a quick-witted response. Not why he did it. Mike's. He's smiling real big right now. It's gold. You're an animal. It was the greatest. What did she say? There's nothing she could say. She couldn't say anything. She smiled. She looked at me. She smiled like. All right. It was basically like a cop going, I can't arrest you. But we both know. We know what you did. We both know what you did. We know what you did, but I can't arrest you on this technicality. I didn't see it. And it was like, but I'll get you. I'm going to get you. Eventually, I'm going to get you a ticket. You get to go away this time. You're busted. Poor Ryan. Yeah. And he just gave up on you. He goes, this guy's a lost cause. He's crying. Imagine he's crying and he walked away and then he turned around. And sees you picking the mess up. He's holding Luke. Yeah. Broke his heart. Ryan ever cry a lot? Who cares? I love him. I love him. Maybe he's crying because he wants your attention. Give it to him. Give him some. One day.
One day. Give him some treat. Every day. He's our middle child. That's not how that goes. You better love him more. Trust me. I'll tell you, as a middle child, you get love the least. Guess who's on the phone? My one-year-old son, Luke. What's up? Luke. What up? Hey, hey, hey. Hi, Luke. He's bragging. Disrespectful for you to talk like that. What are you talking about? Yeah, I got to tell you guys. The kid. He cries all the freaking time. That used to be you, Luke. It used to be you. You were the crying. You used to be the... It's never been me, but that dude lives in my room and he cries all... Lives in my room. It's not... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not your room. He's your older brother. He is your older brother. Great. You know what I started doing? What? I started grinding up a Xanax and putting it in his bottle. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's ridiculous. He cries all night. All night. Every night. That's not true. He's a little Sally. He's a baby. It's kind of true, Sienna. It is? No, he doesn't cry all night, but he cries all the time. Did you hear that? What? I said he's a little Sally. No, he's not. Don't say that about your brother or your father. Oh, wow. I'm kind of like my dad. All right, Luke. Well, Luke, thanks for... What's up with you guys? What do you mean? Yeah, what does that mean? What's up with you guys? Yeah, we're working. Are you working? Are you laying brick?
No, but... You on the job site? Yes. You building houses? What are you doing? We're trying to brighten people's mornings. Yeah. Sitting around on your hands, just playing games, playing fun charades. All right, Luke. How are you doing, Luke? Yeah, yeah, all right. All right, Luke. I'm pooping. Okay. Hey. Don't. Don't. Hey, what's up? No! I get off the same time every day, 10. Today's Wednesday, so we do a show meeting. No, I won't be at home at 5. I got an idea there. Himmler, maybe keep your guys at 3 o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday. First of all, how would you know who Himmler is? Listen. You're one years old. One year old. Some of your cast members have pets at home that stay there a long time without... You just hung up on your one-year-old. Sounded like the filet fern. Just hung up on him. Went to the other room, just realized something happened. Yeah, he's talking.
He's talking to himself in the other room. Your son? He just kept going. He just kept going. I think what he was saying was... No, really? I think what he was trying to say is that some of your cast members have a lot of pets that poop everywhere. Maybe those cast members figure it out. Maybe they figure it out. Maybe they figure it out. Focus. How long is the work day supposed to be? Eight hours. Woods would be the guy that buys 125 horses and then goes, dude, I have 125 horses at home right now. And you're like, why do you have 125 horses? He's like, who cares? I got to go freaking pick them up and put my feet up. And you're like. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't hate me. Maybe some of your cast members need to get to the gym and home today. I don't know. Could be just me. Remember when Woods first started working on the Mikey show? And he was like, how come everybody has to leave all the time? That's when he's living alone. Yeah, he's living by himself. And he'd be like, hey, how come everybody has to leave all the time, man? How come we can't hang out? Holy horses. Yeah.
You ever just hang out with your castmates? I'm having fun. Come on, guys. Yeah, I'm having fun. To me, this didn't work. I got stuff to do. This is fun. This didn't work. It didn't work, man. We should be bonded. I can't wait to have a kid. I'm going to be out of here five. I'm going to be like, 10.05, I got to go. I got a kid. I'm leaving. It's going to be my bit. Listen to this. Speaking of kids. It's a real bit. It's a good bit. Listen to this. This is a father right here in San Diego. Single dad, right? Yeah. Single dad. This is him and his daughter. I don't know how old she is. And they're singing. I'm going to guess three. Yeah. Four. Edward Sharp. Amazing. I think this guy's going to have trouble meeting some gals. Oh, my goodness. I think girls like good-looking guys that play guitar and have a little girl and love her like that. Yeah, love her so much. And he's single. And he's single. Guy's going to be beating him off with a stick, dude. I know it. I may have friend requested him on Facebook. And by may, I mean I did. He accepted it. Oh, my God. He accepted it? Yeah. He did it? Of course he did. Oh, wow. You look at Lauren and he's like, yeah, baby. You know, honestly, I hadn't really thought of that angle of it until this very moment. Yeah, neither had I. I did it. I did it. But I just thought of it right now and I'm like, that's a good looking dude.
There's nothing cuter than a guy with his kid. A guy with his kid is a good dad. He plays guitar, sings good. He's got two girls. He's a single dad putting himself through school. And that little girl has got her head on his shoulder and they're just singing a real sweet song. She's going, I just want a mommy to go along with this daddy. She may have a mommy. She does. They are amicably. Split. How do you know his life story? Because I was on Facebook page. Lurker. Because I was outside of his apartment. No, I read, there's an article. I'm the creep. His mom is still there. The little girl's mom is still very involved, but they are not together. L.A.B.'s like, her name's Cynthia. What happened was it was about finances, and they just couldn't make it work. And, you know, he's 6'2", and never mind. Gets home from work around 5.30. I do know where he works! She does the third shift. L.A.B. knows where he works. Oh, my gosh. Their schedule's conflicted.
So cute. She must be bummed that this video is so cute. She's like, oh, wow, great. She couldn't look any more like her dad. She's beautiful. She's so beautiful. And it is everywhere. Everywhere. You think me and Mr. Connor Patrick will be having any jam sessions at the house? That's awesome. Well, we have jam sessions at our house all the time. Dance parties. Oh, yeah. Can't wait. That's so funny. A band member in Edward Sharp posted that on their Facebook page. Oh, really? Yeah, I didn't know that. And then they sent them a personal message saying how much they liked the video. That's incredible. That's cool. Edward Sharp. Really cool. That's a cute kid. I knew a kid like that in Philly. It's a catchy song. I've never heard it on our station. Hey, Rick, get a hold of that kid and see if she's ever hosted a show. We're looking for somebody in the morning. Yeah, a kid ever done mornings? Think she can get out by 4.30? Yeah.
What's her name? Whatever it is. She's in. Alexa? What are you doing? Alexa show. She looks like an Alexa. She is so cute. So cute. I love that. I watched it so many times. Hillary's in the studio with us. Hi, guys. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you? Good. What do you got coming up? You're making me laugh all morning. We laughed so much this morning that my head hurt. I know, and I'm at home laughing with you, but I'm by myself, so it's kind of weird. It is weird. We get emails from people that say that it's weird to laugh in their car by themselves. Oh, I do it all the time, you guys. Yeah. Every morning when I'm driving. The best is in their cube at work when they're not supposed to be listening, and they're like, ah! Right. And people think they're insane. Yeah. That's the best compliment. Did you? I'm not going to relive it. Oh, boy. I just want to ask Hillary. If she heard the Woods. PJs? No. No, no, no. Not the PJs. Woods talking like this. Woods talking to Wavey. Tiena's sister. Yes. He's talking like this. Facebook friends. Facebook friends. Did you hear it? Woods has a crush on my sister. It's the, it's like nothing. I don't think anything makes me laugh harder than 17 year old Woods voice. Wait, what? What's your bit? Get.
But you're bit with that anyway. Really? Gosh. I wrote this song. It's called Grounded. I want to hear it again. What was the name of the song? Doesn't it suck to be grounded? Sorry, ladies. Nobody gets us. Nobody gets us. There's a song I wrote for you. And then Wavy harmonizes ground. I should get her. We should make that and she'll sing along. Just me and her playing together. She'll do it. Under Keith Richards' supervision.
Wavy and Woods. How about W squared? W squared. W two. W two. Waverly's just sitting in high school because she's a sophomore. First gigs at the W. Having no idea what we're talking about. Yeah. We'll do our first gig at the W. I hate everybody. You want to switch? You can do sports and I'll do midday. Can I do that? And I can be like, I can come in for five minutes and be like, hey, today we got the gorillas coming up, rhinestone eyes. Listen, Hillary, he said. off the air. He goes, you guys know one damn snap. Yeah. I don't doubt it. Oh, I don't doubt it. I don't either, and it's scary to me, but I love it. You're going to see the Texas cyclone right through here. He's like a slow-boiling pot of water. Yes. All right, Hillary, what do you have coming up next? There's going to be chew everywhere. Already is. Is there? Yes. Is there? Yes. Wearing his PJs. I grabbed the temper trap and bad brains. I grabbed the new Matt and Kim record, some Soundgarden, some Arcade Fire, Black Crow.
There you go. Lovely and talented Hillary up next. And we'll be back tomorrow, 6 o'clock. We'll do it again. The Mikey Show's out. Late.