The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 01/14/11
Friday, January 14, 2011
trelolo video obsessionsan diego move and identity thefturban survivor roleplaysubway rat videomovie plot hot potatorex ryan toenail paintingthreat assessment teamsted williams dr phil interviewneil diamond studio appearancedave matthews bedbugs songsurgery as vacationsuper bowl halftime
The show opened with Mikey's confession of his obsession with a quirky Russian viral video, then segued into his personal story of moving to San Diego a year ago, complete with identity‑theft drama and a near‑miss job offer. Later, the crew performed an Urban Survivor roleplay, reacted to a creepy subway‑rat video, and played Movie Plot Hot Potato, which ended with Woods losing and getting his toenails painted. The program also featured a serious discussion about campus threat‑assessment teams, a reflective segment on the Ted Williams Dr. Phil interview, and live appearances by Neil Diamond and Dave Matthews, who sang a goofy bedbugs song.
What happened, in order
Trelolo obsession
Mikey describes being obsessed with a viral Russian video of Eduard Cahill that he watches repeatedly, saying it stays in his mind for five to ten minutes each time.
San Diego move ordeal
Mikey recounts his stressful move to San Diego a year ago, including identity theft, no contract, and nearly losing the job before it was saved.
Urban Survivor roleplay
Mikey pretends to be Mikey Grylls surviving an all‑staff meeting with only a company credit card, a car, his wallet and whatever he can find online.
Subway rat video
A videographer films a rat crawling up a sleeping man's leg on a NYC subway, which Mikey finds creepy and shares on the show’s Facebook page.
Neil Diamond studio visit and Super Bowl halftime
Neil Diamond stops by the studio and mentions being invited to sing at the Super Bowl halftime show with the Black Eyed Peas.
Movie Plot Hot Potato loser paints toenails
Jay and Woods play a movie description game; the loser must wear a Rex Ryan fat suit and have his toenails painted pink or green for a week.
Ted Williams interview on Dr. Phil
Mikey discusses Ted Williams, the homeless man with a golden voice, his rehab, and the ethics of exploiting him for ratings.
Dave Matthews bedbugs song
Dave Matthews visits, talks about his bedbug “friends,” and sings a silly song about loving his bedbugs.
Threat assessment teams on campus
Woods explains how colleges have created threat‑assessment teams after the Jared Loffner shooting to monitor creepy behavior.
People mentioned
MikeyLauren O'BrienWoodsJaySienaChrisGarrettHillaryTommyNeil DiamondDave MatthewsEduard CahillTed WilliamsDr. Phil
28,685 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Welcome to the Mikey Show here on a Friday with a live stand. I think I told you the other day, and there's probably a lot of people that are wondering, you know, is this officially the new opening song? And the answer is, I don't know. I don't know. Really? I don't know. You've considered it. Yeah, I've considered it, and I play it because it makes me happy. You know, we'll probably just bounce back and forth, but... I just know that it makes me happy. I know that I was... I think about it often, the video. So do I. You do, L.O.B.? Yes. Does it take up kind of parts of your day, you'll think about it? Yeah, and I'll just spontaneously, like, just... I'll be doing... I mean, you guys know. I'll just start going... I just randomly will start singing the song out of nowhere. Yeah.
Well, there's a little video that goes along with it. What that is, is a guy named Eduard Cahill from Russia from 1976. And L.O.B. sent it to me. It's a viral video. And I've been obsessed with it ever since the... Day that she sent it. In fact, I remember where I was when I first saw it. I always will remember where I was. It's like Kennedy. Yes. People can say, where were you, Mike, when you first saw Trelolo? And I will say, I was in my car. I was in my driveway. And I was looking at my Facebook page and saw it and played it. And my life has never really been the same since. One of you know, we'll put it on the our main Facebook page, Facebook dot com slash Mikey show. And the moment that I would because what will happen is I'll think of a moment in this little video clip and my mind will sort of stay there for about five to ten minutes. Oh, wow. You got it bad. About five minutes. Ten minutes is too long. If I give you a real time estimate, it's about five minutes that my mind will sort of obsess on it.
And the part of the video that I was obsessing on this morning at home, and I hadn't heard it, hadn't seen it, whatever, but the part that I was obsessing on was the part in the video where he sort of scolds. But then after he scolds. But then after he scolds, he wants you to know it's okay. I was just kidding. Oh, my gosh. I wish it got me like a good one. You were pretty dead on with that. Yeah. Oh, man, that's good. It's a scold, but he wants you to know. He wants you to know. I wasn't serious, and everything's okay. Everyone has to watch it now to know what you're talking about. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I love the full circle he does when he goes. I don't know the part of the song, but he goes in a full circle and takes it all the way around and brings it right back to you. It's like a pageant. He turns in a circle, but there's a rough edit there for some reason. Yes. Don't know why. Agreed. There's a rough edit. Yeah, my mind seems nudity.
They had to block out nudity. You think they had to block out nudity? Yeah, I feel like one second he just flashed. It's Russia. That's right. That's what they do. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I'm 40 years of age. Dressed nice today because the Union Tribune is coming in towards the end of the show and they're going to take a picture. do interviews with us because they're talking about the one-year anniversary of the Mikey Show being on FM 94.9. And it's new and, in my opinion, my favorite incarnation. And also, Woodsy is our sports guy. He is 35 years of age, looks sharp today. He's wearing something that I'm... I have something almost identical that I almost wore today that I'm really glad I did not. But you're wearing what looks like. How would you describe that, Elleby? It looks like what Robert De Niro wore in Taxi Driver. Taxi Driver. It's like an army jacket. Like an army jacket. Lauren O'Brien is our assistant producer. I do not look sharp today. I forgot about the whole picture thing.
We call her L.O.B., and she's wearing her aviator jacket today. Yes, my Amelia Earhart. Yeah, looks like she's about to jump on an old aircraft and try to circumvent the earth. Yes, circumnavigate. Circumnavigate. Do you know it's also my one-year anniversary of being a San Diegan? Is that right? Yeah. You moved here a year ago today. Wow, dude. Really? Been here a year. The fastest year I have ever had without question. Yeah. It was yesterday that I was getting off the plane at Lindbergh, pouring rain, didn't have a contract, didn't know if I had the job, sick to my stomach. Yeah. It's heart beating. It's my heart beating. That was me. At first I thought we were in Jurassic Park. I'll never forget standing in that hotel waiting for Garrett to come pick me up in the morning. No contract. Still had a job in Texas that I hadn't resigned from. I was on vacation days. You still hadn't urinated in a cup yet. You hadn't tested for drugs. I had. You had? I had. I had been out the week before. This is when I moved and never went back. You know what? Nobody knows. Nobody knows this.
And it's a very interesting part of Woods' story. People don't know that Woods was, you know, when my wife suggested Woods, instantly I went, oh, yeah, that's it. You know, there was no more thinking about it. That's it. And so I decided that if he would take it, I was offering it. And so we went through the background check process. And I don't know that anybody actually knows that the answer on you at one point was no. Yep. No. Like, not, well, it's touch and go. No. The answer's no. I got a call from Garrett. Yeah. I was sitting in my office. All my guys, you know, the guys at work knew, like, what was up. Like, hey, it's either he's in or out. Garrett goes, well, I don't have very good news. You're out. The feeling that I had, it was about, it was a year ago. yesterday the feeling that i had vomit and sickness tears you know the whole thing i was like oh my god it was that close i was that close yeah i what had happened was i had they had processed my social security number wrong and mike was like dude did you give them the wrong social security number what are you hiding i'm like i'm not hiding anything i swear i had to go to the social security office somebody had like
Tried to steal my identity at one point. All this stuff happened. I spent the next 24 hours jumping through hoops to where Mike goes, well, I guess just get on the plane. We'll figure it out when you get here. So I moved here without this job, without this job, without a contract. Didn't know if I was even going to work here. Took pictures with everybody. Like, hey, we're the Mikey Show. Didn't have a contract. They could have come and been like, hey, you got to crop him out. He didn't make it. The most stressful. 48 hours of my life was a year ago yesterday and the day before. There's so many things about that time that we've never told anybody. Yeah. If you guys knew what went down before that, you'd be like, how did you even get up and running? I was in line at El Pollo Loco. Weird. That is so weird. You just call it... The Crazy Chicken. Restaurant. I just call it Crazy Chicken. And I got a phone call from Garrett. And he said, same thing. He goes, hey, dude, I got some bad news for you. Woods is not going to happen. And I remember being so disappointed and thinking to myself, well, God must have a different plan. God must have a different plan. And so bummed. But then over the next 24 hours, things started to, well, there might be a ray of hope.
There might be a ray of hope. And then we were trying to fix it. Here's something nobody knows. We went and took pictures of the Mikey show. Unbelievable. Yeah. I mean, you talk about, like, my life was like this giant earthquake, right? Yep. And I think that I'm coming over to FM 94.9 with... Eddie and Sky and Boston Rob and Ashley. And I think we're all coming over here or staying over there. And I find out, no, they've decided that they're going to stay. But they didn't tell me. And they're not returning my calls. And I'm freaked out. I'm like, what just happened in my life? And I'm putting together this new show. I get Woods on board and it's just one by one trying to get, you know, so who's going to be the new producer? Who's going to take the place that Ashley had? Who's going to do this job? Who's going to do that job? I'm trying to put it all together. And so finally, we get everybody put together and we go down to take pictures at the belly up.
I was still working there. Yeah, L.O.B. was still working there. I was like, you guys cool if I just, me and my new crew, take you to the house? They're like, the boss boys are like, easy, big time. L.O.B.'s over in the corner like. Yeah. They're like, who's this? Come on. And we were, you know, we had had a dinner together the night before. at Pamplemousse in the back of the – in a separate part of the restaurant that was like behind where they keep the wine. Yeah, it was awesome. It was awesome. Awesome. And the reason that we did that was because we didn't want anyone to know who was going to be on this new version of the show. Like we're so important that we just had to keep it under wraps. It was such a big secret in San Diego. But no, just – I mean I wanted to – It makes sense. I didn't want it to – I don't want anybody to know. Well, especially CNNJ. Right. They have been in radio. Yeah. We were a couple of no-names, Woods and I. But I still didn't want anybody to know. I mean, I literally didn't want anybody to know that I had found this comedian, that she was really good, and I didn't want anybody to know. Yeah, it would have been like, he was Mikey. I saw Mikey. He was with this hot blonde with blue eyes, and there was this chubby, pasty kid. Just smoking cigarettes all night. Drunk. So we go to take these pictures at the Belly Up.
And this is what I remember about that day. Rain was coming down so hard that day that it was coming down sideways. It was pouring rain. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, we've got to go take pictures. How are we going to get from our cars to inside of the place without getting drenched because it was raining that hard? It messed up your hair. It's pouring. It did mess up my hair. And so, you know, we go inside the belly up. 8 o'clock in the morning, and we're taking these pictures of all of us. And I'm thinking in my head, I remember thinking to myself, this is so strange because I'm supposed to be on the radio right now. And here I am unemployed. My contract wasn't even done. And I'm like, we're taking these. Everything was surreal to me, how hard it was raining. We're taking these pictures, and we're doing all this stuff. And the guy that took the pictures, says to me, who I had met, by the way, through someone who was on the old show. And so he's taking pictures. He says, I'll have these pictures ready for you. By tonight, I'll put them up on a server. And you can take a look at them. And I said, good, because we need to put them on a website, you know, right away. And to try to get this website going, because we thought at that point we'd be on the air in a week.
And so that night, I'm checking all night at this thing that he tells me to go to. And the pictures aren't there. The pictures aren't there. The pictures aren't there. And so the next day, I'm looking in the morning. The pictures aren't there. The pictures aren't there. And so finally, Woods and I had to go get him a new computer. And we were at the Apple store. Was it a year ago today? A year ago today. Okay. And a year ago tomorrow. Tomorrow. A year ago tomorrow. And we're in the... Apple store and the photographer calls and he says I said hello and he said and it was almost like a prepared red statement the way that he was saying it he goes hi Mikey I'm calling to tell you that I can't give you the pictures that I took of you yesterday and I said what I can't really go into it much more than that but I can't give you the pictures that I took of you yesterday of any of us no and I go Are you giving those pictures to anybody over at Clear Channel? Hello? What did you say? Are you giving those pictures to anybody over at Clear Channel? I didn't hear what you said. I was there. Mikey goes, Woodsy, step outside the car for a minute. So I stood outside and he was on the phone with it and I was like, chain smoking. Lighting one cigarette off the other. Yeah. And so...
So I'm like, I wonder how long aftershocks take to stop after a big earthquake. I know, dude. And so I called Dan Fields. And Dan Fields, the photographer, said, I'll be ready in two hours. Yep. And it was sunny the next day. Beautiful day. So we were able to take those pictures. Outside and Encinitas at the car wash, the coolest pictures. Yeah. In the alleyway. In the alley. And we had so much fun, and we were just like, but we didn't know what was coming next. And this is pretty interesting. I didn't sign my deal until our first day on the air. Garrett, they brought in this huge pack, and he's like, sign here, pal. He didn't even look at it. I didn't even look at it. After a month of background check and all the hoops that I jumped in, he goes, hey, pal, sign this. I was like, and there you go. He goes, don't you want to read it? I go, nope. He goes, well, I just signed you up as a French maid. That's when I knew. I remember how extreme Woods was because he signed it off feverishly and then was like, yeah! For me, it was like being bored. I was so...
paranoid for a month. I didn't know what to do. I was like, wow, I really went over mine with it. Mine was like highlighted tabs on the end. Took it to her brother-in-law to look at it. I was like, really? I got about 50 phone calls from him. What about this? What about this? I was like, sign it. Sign it. I didn't know. I think L.O.B.'s cautious. Oh, my God. I think she shops around real good. No, I just didn't want to get caught in some sort of pyramid scheme. About this time last year, too. We're going to need $100 as well when you sign this guy. About this time last year, too, L.O.B. was like, I think I'm going to get a new car. Oh, my gosh. Still has her same car. Yeah, still has the same car. Woods and I said back around Thanksgiving, what's the over-under on L.O.B. getting a new car? And Woods said, I say New Year's Day, and I go, I'll take – I don't remember. I don't even remember. You know why we did it is because before we went on break, she goes, next time you see me, I'll be in a new car. Yeah, right. Really? I know. I did say that. I did. It is mid-January.
Same car, no new car, even on the horizon. What's the over-under now? Valentine's. I say, okay, I would have put it, I'll take the over because I was going to say March. Really? Yeah, I was going to say March. Do I get anything in this or not? No. I'm thinking 2012. No, I'll be before that. Our phone number is 570-1949 if you want to call us. And we open up the phone lines right now for anything. You can call if you have questions. You can call if you have comments. You can call about anything that's going on in the news. You can call just to say hi. You can call about anything you want right now. 570-1949. And you can also text us 949mikey at gmail.com. Sienna is sick today. She's got what we all had. And so does baby Sage. So she had to stay home today. But usually she would be here. Jay is our producer. And he is 47 years of age. And our phone screener is Chris.
Let's see. Today we have Neil Diamond's going to be making an appearance here at 7am. We have movie plot Hot Potato. With a twist. Yeah, with a twist. The twist is that whoever loses movie plot Hot Potato has to dress like Rex Ryan. And not only do they have to dress like Rex Ryan, they have to paint their toenails pink. And Jet Green. Watermelon. For a week. Yeah, for a week. They have to leave it on. And the loser will either be Jay or Woods. Weird. Typical. And the twist is that L.O.B., well, and we'll say it again later, but L.O.B., who do you think will win? Do you think that Woods will win movie plot, Hot Potato? Or do you think Jay will win movie plot? Do I have to say it now? Yeah, you can. Take your pick. A lot of it depends on who starts. I will have to say. Jay starts Monday. It's my turn to start. I'll say Woods will win. Okay. That means I have Jay. Oh, gosh. And that means that if Jay loses, I have to paint his toenail. Maybe. Maybe I throw it.
If Woods loses, L.O.B. has to paint his toenails. Oh, that'd be fun to watch, too. My feet are gnarly, by the way. He's got hideous feet. They're hideous. They're gnarly. I haven't cut. I purposely didn't shape them up for you. Dave Matthews is going to make a stop by this morning at 8. And the word of the day is bandana. So when you hear me say the word bandana between now and 10 o'clock, dinner for two at Pample Moose for Restaurant Week on the 19th of January. All you're in charge of is tip and booze that night. And then we have a $50 gift certificate to the 2011 Ski and Snowboard Mega Sale. Pretty nice. Playoffs this weekend. Oh, yeah. So we got a lot of good games. Who's playing, Woodsy? Well, obviously you got the Jets-Patriots, which is just turning into a war of words. Cromartie's been running mouth. Let's see. Chubbs, Ryan's been running mouth. Not wise on the part of the Jets. Yeah, not when you get beat by 42 points the last time you played them.
It's getting nasty between those teams. It's going to be so fun to watch. It is going to be fun. The Steelers are taking on the Ravens. Another dynamite matchup. Packers-Falcons. I'm like, eh, I think the Falcons will take it. And then Bears-Seahawks. Do you have on that thing what day each game is, or does it not say? Not on this one, but I'll get it for what's on sports for sure. M1, Brittany from San Marcos. Good morning, guys. Good morning. All right, so I used to live in San Diego, and then I moved back up to Long Beach. And then when I moved back down, I was looking for you, Mikey. And I turned on Rock 105.3, and I was like, who are these people? What's going on? So I kind of stopped listening, couldn't find you, and then I just kind of stumbled upon you one day. And I wanted to tell you guys that this is honestly ten times better than the old Mikey show. Thank you. You guys are dynamic, and you're awesome. And I listen to you every morning from the minute I wake up until the minute I walk into work. Thank you very much. We appreciate that. It's very nice of you to say. Yeah, you guys keep me laughing. Sometimes you make me cry, but you guys are awesome. Well, thanks a lot. We appreciate that. You're welcome. You guys have a great day. You too. M1 Kyle from Chula Vista. Yeah, hey, how's it going? Good. Good, good. Hey, I want to say I love you guys. I've been listening for a long time. I love the new show. Thank you. Awesome. I love you guys' new cast. I just want to say I got married yesterday. Hey. Bought the cow. Nice. Bought the cow. Bought the cow. Bought the cow. Walk the plank.
Or got married. I mean, got married, just decided to spend the rest of your life with somebody. Old ball and chain. Yeah, so I just wanted to say a little shout out to my wife, my new wife. When she do. Oh, boy. Wow. Shouldn't you be, you just got married yesterday, shouldn't you be nude lying next to her right now somewhere? Unfortunately, I had to come to work. When's your honeymoon? Well, we're still working on that. But, you know, eventually we want to, you know, probably summertime we want to take a trip out to Vegas or something like that. Maybe we can get you a backstage pass so you guys can honeymoon in the studio. There you go. There you go. Hey, I love that. I've been wanting to meet you guys. You know, I love your guys' show. Awesome, man. We'll hook you up. Hang on the line. Hang on. Definitely. Thanks. Yeah. That was nice. M1 Castile from Escondido. Yeah, I remember, since you guys were reflecting on about like a year ago. I called in sick to work. And remember, Mikey, when you introduced everybody on the Fox 6 Morning Show. Yep. That was crazy. I remember being so excited because Santa was cute. And I remember I was like, who's this big dude, this Woods guy? He looks like a big D. Yeah. Big D. Yep. But now it's like a bromance with Woods. Who's this big jerk? I remember Woods was like.
Kind of like flipping the chin to the camera a little bit like, what's up? Well, remember, he goes, he interviewed Mikey for a second. Then he went, I think, to L.O.B. Oh, yeah. And then he went to Jay. And he's like, well, we only got a minute left. Now, who's this guy? I'm like, I'm Woods next. You know, like, go to the next guy. It was so funny, too, because when we were on Fox Channel 6, the first hour before we went on, the hour before we went on. Woods was going through a million different routines of things that he was going to say. And then when they actually came to him on TV, he goes, I'm Woods. It was great. And of course, I was like, oh my gosh, shall I? LMB took like 15 minutes and I got three seconds. Thanks for calling, man. We appreciate it. No problem, man. Then we went to Denny's to celebrate. We sure did. Yeah, we did. Feasted weird. That's right. I love memory lane. I do, too. I love it. So here's another interesting story. There was a farmer in China. And something very interesting happened with this guy. Right? Yeah. A Chinese farmer has been sentenced to life in prison. Now, what was his heinous crime? What?
He was avoiding highway tolls, adding up to more than 3.5 million yuan, which is $530,000 American dollars. So what do you would do? They call it yuan? It's yuan. Yuan. Yuan. Okay. Y-U-A-N. He pretended his trucks were military vehicles. So I guess in China. It's not yen. It's yuan. Okay. That's in Japan. Yuan. Okay. Kid was an English major. All right. Because that's Chinese. Well, I read a little Bill Shakespeare. He's Chinese, too. So he used to put fake military license plates and uniforms to deceive toll collectors. So they thought his vehicles were military-owned. No. And he did it more than 2,300 times. I didn't know. Wow. You knew. I did not know. You did know. How would I know? There was no sign. I go fast. Because you put, you dressed your trucks up like military trucks. Proof. I just did. That's why you're going to prison. What proof have you manufactured? You have picture? Yes. It's Photoshop. It's not Photoshop. No. Yeah, it's Photoshop. I want to know. I drove here to work.
In a BMW, you drove here in a Hyundai today. Now, you have been robbing the city of Ping Dingshan for a long time. You have no idea what the history between me and Ding Dingshan is. Goes back a long time. Well, you will be spending the rest of your life in jail. I don't care how I spend the rest of my life in jail. Unless you can come up with 3.5 million Juan. Maybe I do come up with 2.5 million Juan. Well, if you do, then you're off the hook. Because I drove here in a BMW today. You came here in a Hyundai. I came in a Suburban, pal. 570-1949. It's a scene from Glengarry Glen Ross. Oh, yeah. Let's see. How much do you think a flight from L.A. to San Diego is? A lot. I would say $69. Okay. $139. $139. $139? I don't know. To fly from L.A. to San Diego? It's a, you go up, you go down. Yeah. You barely reach, I don't bet you don't even get it to altitude. It's a 40 minute, 120 mile flight. I just.
did this flight, you blink and it's over. The flight time is actually 26 minutes when we were in the air. Okay. So it's not even really enough time to get a drink. Barely enough. Well, a one-way ticket to Los Angeles, which is a 40-minute, 120-mile jaunt, costs more than a ticket from L.A. to London or Amsterdam or Tel Aviv. What? Let's see. It says it'll cost $577 or $813 on the American Eagle shuttle on February 10th. How many Juan? I don't know how many won that... Why do you want to know? Yeah, why do I want to know? That's weird. Isn't that crazy? I don't know what's up. I really... You can't even... There's no reason that it would be that much money. Gotta be a glitch. Yeah. It's crazy. 570-1949. That's on American Airlines, by the way. If you haven't heard the new Urban Survivor, we're gonna do that for you. Okay, so this is... Man, this is a trip. I don't like Jeopardy because I don't know the answers. Never. Never know the answers. In fact, when we play you the clip, Woods, I want to see if you'll know any of it. But what I'm going to play for you stunned me because where we're getting with computer capabilities, IBM did a test run of a supercomputer called Watson, and somebody videotaped it in the studios where they filmed Jeopardy.
And this IBM supercomputer was competing against these geniuses that... I heard about that. Dude, it's so weird. And it's real. It's real weird. And we'll do it for you coming up. Make some noise in here with our live studio audience. Welcome back to the Mikey Show with a live studio audience. Very nice. And... In just a little while, I am going to be putting a video up on our Facebook page, this story about a rat. And I'm afraid of rats. Who's not? Dude, I'm telling you, man. Well, some people, like my wife isn't. What? She thinks they're cute. Yeah. Are they? I'm not afraid of rats. I had a pet rat. Yeah, we used to eat rats. Yeah, that's right. I hunt rats. Not bad if you...
Flame, borrow them. Yeah, wrap some bacon around it. Turkey bacon. Yeah, of course. But everybody has their fear. Do you have an animal fear like snakes or spiders or rats or whatever? Hundreds of them. You saw me when the guys from the zoo came in. I like dogs. Yeah. Outside of that, you're afraid of most wild animals? But I'm all woman. Fair enough. There you go. I don't like... Animals, except for dogs. Oh, my God. Snakes and spiders don't get me. Oh, they get me? Nope. Oh, my God. But I'll tell you, rats don't like rodents. Okay, so check this out. Apparently, IBM has a supercomputer. They call it Watson. And this is what's so creepy about this thing, is that it doesn't sound like a computer. And it doesn't... process like a computer. It processes like a human being. And what they did to sort of display how effective it is at doing word identity, voice recognition, is they tested it against these guys on Jeopardy that are really, really good, just to showcase how good it is. Listen to this. Ken, you're in the first position. Please make a selection.
I've never said this on TV. Chicks dig me for $200, please, Jimmy. He may have never said it in real life. I'm taking a guess. Kathleen Kenyon's excavation of this city mentioned in Joshua showed the walls had been repaired 17 times. The Wailing Wall. The Wailing Wall. What is the Wailing Wall? Yeah, what is the Wailing Wall? I'm sorry. Watson. What is Jericho? Correct. It's a city. Do you notice, by the way, how that didn't sound like a computer? Kind of. That sounded more like a computer than I do, Mikey. Okay. I understand, TomTom Girl, but I thought that it sounded like a real voice. Let's keep listening. This mystery author and her archaeologist, Hubby, dug in hopes of finding the lost Syrian city of Urkesh. Watson? Who is Agatha Christie? Correct. Same category, 600. At the Olduvai Gorge in 1959, she and Hubby Lewis... found a 1.75 million-year-old Australopithecus boise-eyed skull. Watson? Who is Mary Leakey? You're right. 800, same category. Harriet Boyd Haas was the first woman to discover and excavate a Minoan settlement on this island. Watson? What is creed? Yes. Let's finish Chicks Dig Me. Weird. Let's finish Chicks Dig Me. At Mount Carmel in Israel, Garthi Garab.
was the first to find this prehistoric human skeleton outside of Europe. Ken, what is Neanderthal? You're right. It's kind of unfair. One time, one time, a person was able to beat the computer. That's it. I have a question. What? Who the hell was doing Jeopardy? Where's Alex Trebek? Oh, it was during like a commercial break and they were just testing this thing. It freaked me out. They were saying... That all these AI, like some companies have their receptionist is an AI, like the artificial intelligence. Wow. We're all going to die. Yeah. Yeah, we are. They can be programmed to kill us. The receptionist at a company is artificial intelligence. I forget what the company was. It was one of those like techie companies. So like the phone rings and. Even if you like, okay, this guy, he's like a big wig at the company. And when you want to go into his office, the computer will be like. Mr. Applebottom is busy right now. Let me check with him and see when his meeting will be over. Okay, let's say you're the computer. This is the problem. Okay, well, listen, I have a strange question. His wife called me, and I want to call her, but I don't remember her name. Let me get that for you, sir. Her name is Janice. Oh, my gosh.
Well, people just become obsolete real good. Yeah. Yes, I have a question. This is Ken Layton from The Reader. How old is Stephen Woods? Currently or at the time of the incident. Holy cow. That is the creepiest thing in the world. I am. Let me tell you, everybody that is in our studio audience today is very lucky because today, Hash House a Go-Go is going to be really good. Gosh, I can't wait. They are so good. If you've never heard of Hash House a Go-Go, they've been featured on Food Network before. They have another location in Vegas. If you're out in Vegas, you can try them too. And they are on Fifth Avenue. They do breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My deal with the Hash House is breakfast. And years ago...
Woods flew out here with Bauman, and we went to breakfast there, and Bauman still talks about that breakfast. He texts me on Sundays, Hash House, P-Word. Yeah. That's what he sends me, like, you know, once a month. I'm like, yeah, it's still here, man. Anytime you're ready. I'm going to tell you something, Mike. That omelet's the size of your hand. What do they call it? Twisted farm food? They call it twisted farm food because what it is is it'll be like you'll get chicken. You'll get like a piece of fried chicken. With mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs. It's so good. They're Bloody Marys. Maybe if they're listening, they bring us all Bloody Marys. Oh, stop it. Hashhouseagogo.com. The portions are enormous. Enormous. But you want your own plate. Just prepare to take it to go. Don't split things with people. It's so good. I'll take that stuff home and I'll eat those leftovers for three days. Yeah. So good. It's really good. So anyway, Hosh House is coming in this morning. Good news for the representative from Arizona, Representative Gifford, that was shot. She is doing better, right? Yeah. Her husband, yeah, very sad, man. He came out and said, listen, I was in Houston when I got this call and I was, you know, obviously.
But the good news is he came out today and said that her breathing tube may be removed today. She opened her eyes briefly for the first time on Wednesday, which is great, and continued to open them yesterday. And now they're saying that she's doing so well that they may take her off the breathing tube. She's able to squeeze and stroke the doctor's hand. That's great. Which is just incredible. She's hearing what everybody's saying, and they're saying it's, quote, a glorious moment. Wow. Absolutely it is. That's awesome. It's incredible. Good news to hear. Let's see. Ricky Gervais. I love Ricky Gervais. He was the first Michael Scott from The Office. The Office was taken from a British show called The Office. And Ricky Gervais actually was the developer. Very funny guy. He's going to be hosting the Golden Globes and said that the Golden Globes. Now, you have to know he is a bit politically incorrect at times. Very funny guy. He was just on Conan O'Brien and telling Conan about one of the bits that they were apparently not going to let him do on the Golden Globes. The good thing about it is they don't want to see anything. They said that last year. I don't show them the script.
I had to tell them about one thing I wanted to do, because it was a bit of a stunt, and I needed their cooperation, I needed a costume. And I told them, and I said, no, we can't do that. Oh, they turned you down on that? Yeah, so I'm not telling them anything. Can you tell us what that idea was, so we know? Yeah, it wasn't that, yeah. Maybe we could use it. I wanted you to read the opening. This is crazy. Please welcome Ricky Gervais. And I was going to come out dressed as Adolf Hitler. Listen to this. No way, right? And I was just doing that, waving to them, right? And then get to the podium and let it die down and go, too much. And I wanted to look in the crowd and go, it's the wrong crowd. It's just the wrong crowd. And then I was going to say, that's the last time I borrow a suit from Mel Gibson. That's a brilliant comedic mind right there, my friends. He should do that at one of his shows, but not at the Golden Globes. What's going on in your head? As you're backstage and it's three seconds till showtime and you have that on. Yeah. Like what's it? You're like, I'm a dead man. Yeah. What you're thinking is people are either going to have a sense of humor about this or I'll never work again. And it'll be front page headline news on CNN. Anderson Cooper will be interviewing me, you know, a week from now.
Even Larry King will interview me and he's not even on TV anymore. Yeah. He'll be on the street corner in Columbus, Ohio with a sign. Yes. Doing radio. Yeah. Hello. Hello. How are you? We're doing like timeshare stuff. Yeah. Exactly. Hello. This is Ricky Gervais. I was wondering if you'd like to buy a timeshare in London. Right. Hello. This is Ricky Gervais for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Going through recaps this morning, seeing that Jay and his son... Jasper? Jasper? Jasper? Built another story onto his treehouse yesterday. I want to move in. It is way up there. I want to move in. It's more of a crow's nest. I wish I could do things like that with my kids. Let's do it. I'll come over and show you. It's easy. I know, but it's different. The thing is that you want to be the dad that knows how to do it. You don't want to be like... Really? A tree house building class? Yeah. Where do you take that? Do they offer that at Palomar? You can probably take it online. Just come over and I'll show you what I'm doing and then you can go home and experience it on your own. You guys climb up there with a bunch of wood and nails and hammers. The cool part is that this is the fort that Finn and I first started a long time ago when Finn was little. So it has an existing...
You know, frame. But Finn, right as we kind of got to the end. He's 17 now. He's 18 now. Wait, can I also add, there's no nails, right? No nails penetrate the tree. It all just sits in the tree's, you know, crook. Because I don't want to hurt the tree. Of course you don't. So the tree now has grown up and around it and it's taken the wood as part of its own. Are you kidding? No, no. There's no nails going into the tree. That's great. Wait, wait, wait. Jay, how do you... How do you have steps if you can't nail? I built them outside. They all come from the frame of the treehouse. The steps come down like a ladder. I don't nail a board into the tree. It hurt the tree. And the tree would be like, ouch. Yeah. It might kill it. You never know. It might kill it. Might it. It might. Might it. So now we've added a new floor. And by the time he's in the crow's nest, he is probably 30 feet up in the air. What's the crow's nest? It's the very, very top. Like on a ship. Like on a ship, you know, it's got the crow's nest where it's a lookout. So you go into the main, it's got a trap door, you come up inside of it, and it's got a walkway that goes all the way around it. But then up on the very top of it now is the crow's nest, which is like you and a buddy can go up there. I always wanted something like that when I was a kid in case I got mad at my mom and dad where I could be like...
I should be up here. No one will know where I am. This is my own place. You can't tell me what to do. I always tried to build my own, but it didn't work out so well. I only got as far as the, I was really good at getting the steps nailed to the tree. And I would get up there and be like, what the hell am I supposed to do now? I'm up here. How do I build a floor on this tree? My dad finally came out when I was a kid. Built a fireplace in mine, and I had a fire going in it, and my dad came out and said, okay, that may be a little over the top. Oh, wow. A fireplace. When I was five, I tried to build a human out of rocks. That's a true story. In the alley, I thought to myself, it's going to take a long time. I can do it. I thought, it's going to take a long time, and I don't know how to do it. But I know that if I begin, it was on the alley floor, on the floor of the alley. Nobody knew about it for a long time and began with rocks. And I thought, you know, I don't know. I don't know how this is going to work. I just know that as I get older, I will learn more. And eventually this will be a human. And it isn't now. It isn't a human. It's just rocks. Are you sure? But, you know, that's what I thought to myself.
Genius. Yeah, didn't happen. New urban survivor. We do have a new urban survivor for you. We had an all-staff meeting yesterday. Our program director can talk for a long time, but he actually yesterday gives us 30 minutes. He had to put a stopwatch on himself just in case. Yeah, I'm going to time myself. If I go over an hour, we're going to dock my pay. He only went 30 minutes. But it got us to thinking what it might be like for Mikey Grylls to be in an all-staff meeting and what that might sound like if it happened. I'm Mikey Grylls. I've never been a member of the British Special Forces. I barely got out of high school with a GED, and I've got no experience except for telling jokes on the radio. I will try to survive in urban situations using nothing but the company's credit card, a car. A nice one at that, my wallet, and whatever things I can find on the internet. You're listening to Urban Survival. I'm sitting here in a conference room for the FM 94.9 monthly all-staff meeting. It's dreadfully hot and drab. In fact, this room is approximately 77 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm surrounded by people. I've got Woods, L.O.B., Siena, J.
Our program director Garrett, Hillary, Tommy, some salespeople whom I've never met, and someone who resembles Lestat who appears to be eating baklava. If you think I added that for comedic purposes, you'd be wrong. It's not his baklava either. Our general manager saw to it to have that item delivered. It's a true story. One man is eating it, and he looks like the fictional Anne Rice vampire. The stat. It's another true story. All right. I am starting to freak out. If you're ever in this situation, I recommend Xanax or perhaps a Quaalude if you can find one. That would require being in the 70s and whatnot. I'll see if Jay has one. Obviously, lunch has been catered. I'm eating what appears to be a very stiff pre-made sandwich. and a bag of Lay's potato chips. I haven't eaten in over two hours, so as expected, I'm ravenous. Detroit, Philly, Seattle. Detroit, thank Mike. Detroit, Philly, Seattle. Right now, as you can hear in the background, I'm being recalled with tales of Detroit, Philadelphia, and Seattle.
Again, I'm starting to freak out. I don't drink anymore, but if I did, I'd drink a bottle of rye. Now I'm hearing about quarterly numbers and benefit information. I fear I may fall asleep. Maybe I can salvage some caffeine from this Coca-Cola. Let's have a drink. Oh, yes. Uh-oh, I drank that too fast. Now I'm Garcias and I've got a brain freeze. We've been in here for one hour and 11 minutes. Little ventilation, no sunlight, and very, very little stimulation. All right, thanks everybody for coming. Ah, there it is, the wrap-up. I'm going to get into my car and navigate my way home. If you're caught in one of these all-staff meetings, I recommend feigning sick.
and going home, or perhaps phoning in from home, claiming to have Nile fever, or something with no cure. Until next time, I'm the Urban Survivor. There we go. Just wonderful. So there it is. It's the Urban Survivor, and it's good stuff. Let me tell you something. I have the East Coast feeds of the networks because of the job that I have. And occasionally I'll watch the news in New York City just to see what's going on. And had I not been doing that, I would have missed this story. But it is a viral YouTube thing. I'm going to put it on Facebook.com slash Mikey Show. I'll show everybody here in the studio during the break. I'll put it on our Facebook slash Mikey Show page right now so people can view it. But it has to do with a rap.
It is one of the most incredible skin-crawling things I've ever seen in my terrified little life. And we will talk about it, and you'll have a chance to view it, and we'll do that next. Let's make some noise with our laughs. So great, you know. We were going into break, and I was telling you about this story about the rat on the subway, and it came on the Today Show. As we went into the break, I showed it to Wood, showed it to everybody here. In the studio. If you're afraid of rodents, it's especially hard to watch. But it is on our Facebook page right now. Facebook.com slash Mikey Show. M-I-K-E-Y-S-H-O-W. It's...
This amateur photographer, right? He's like a videographer. He's in college. He's 22 years old. And he's sitting on a subway, and he notices that there's a rat running around in the car, the subway car. And so he takes out this video camera, and he starts to record it, okay? And as he's recording it, the rat's running around kind of looking for an escape and can't find an escape, jumps up onto one of the seats, jumps down off of the seat. and then runs across the aisle, and there's an old guy sleeping on the subway. And this rat runs up his pant leg, not inside, on the outside of the pant leg, runs up his leg, runs onto his jacket, and he's got a big, you know, it's wintertime in New York City, so this guy's wearing a big, blue, puffy jacket with a hood. It runs up and, like, does a little snuggle-wuggle in his neck. Which wakes the guy up. And at first, the guy, because he's just been woken up, doesn't know what's going on. And so for a second, he's like, what was that? And then realizes, oh, it's a rat. A giant rat. On my face. And he doesn't swat at it. He does this sort of shimmy.
Oh, poor guy. And the rat jumps off of him and runs up the middle of the aisle. Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face. And now this thing is all caught on tape. It's all caught on video. And if you go to our Facebook page, you can see it right now. It's as weird and creepy as it gets. I hate it. Poor little rat. Oh, really? It's freakish. See, I don't like rats, but I don't think I could kill one. No, I couldn't kill one. I couldn't kill one. What are you going to do? Squash it? I couldn't. I couldn't stomp one. What about a trap? Oh, no. You could put a trap out. Oh, I put traps out all the time. I couldn't put a trap out because then I'd have to throw it away. If there was a rat in your house. I don't know what I would do. I really don't. With a baby, you'd put a trap out. Yeah, you'd put a trap out. My wife would have to do it. Yeah, your wife would deal with it. She'd have to do it. If I saw a mouse or a rat in a trap, I'd be like... I couldn't throw a rat. I've seen it. I couldn't do it. You can't stomp on a rat in New York City. It's like stomping on a cat. Yeah, true. Eat your leg off. Yeah. You know what they have? They have these... I remember when I was working in radio 20 years ago. I was working at this radio station. And again, that's my thing is rodents. And I used to work the overnight shift. And all I had to do during this overnight shift...
was make sure that the radio station didn't go off the air. I wasn't on the air. They had like a satellite piped in DJ from Los Angeles. And all I had to do was make sure that this guy stayed on the radio. Hell of a job. Awesome job. Sounds rad. Yeah. And so what I would do is there was this big, in the engineering department, there was this big giant wall. That had a bunch of engineering equipment in it. And it stayed nice and warm. And behind it was a carpeted crawl space. So I would bring a pillow and a blanket to work. And I'd set my alarm. Oh my gosh. And I'd go back there and I would just nap. Sounds awesome. It's funny because he's fat. Good work if you can get it. 100%. Now I came in. one night to take over for my shift at five o'clock with my big styrofoam plate of food. Mexican food. I just call it food. And the guy that I was taking over for said, hey, just so you know, they set mousetraps in here. And I said, there's mice here? And he goes, yeah. And I said,
Like, what kind of mice traps did they set? Like little, the wooden ones? And he goes, no. He goes, they're the sticky kind. And I said, how does it work? And he said, they step on it and they can't get off. And I said, do they make any noise? And he said, yes. They squeal when they get stuck. I wanted to cry. Absolutely. I said, listen, I was being completely serious with the guy. I even remember calling the program director. This is what a Sally I was. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. This was a guy that told me that I sounded like dog ass on the air. He actually said that. He actually said that to me. Hey, Mike, you sound like dog ass. I said, I have to let you know that if I hear mice squealing,
I have to go. I'm going to go home. I'm out. Yeah. Well, I'm sleeping on the job. I said, listen, if I lose my job, I understand that. But I can't be here if they're squealing mice. I can't. But I'm an old woman, really. Sally. No. I never heard it. I did, for the record, I never heard squealing mice. We had my parents' house. There was like a six to nine month period. Apparently, you know, these are field mice. If you're building, if you start building, they try to find shelter and they'll go, you know, they get into your house. So we had this like six to nine month period where we had in our basement infestation. Just that word, the word infestation makes me feel like I'm getting a cold and I have the chills. With your garden, you didn't get a bunch of rats? No, Jay. Oh, my gosh. Can I? Oh, for sure. My garden, they would come. You just took away every joy that I had. You just took away his garden. They would come and hollow. They would hollow out my cantaloupes. There would just be a perfect hole where they'd ate their way in. I set traps out last year. I caught 16 rats. That'll do it. Sometimes two at a time. They'd both be in the same trap. I have.
A cannonball in my stomach from what he just said. Oh, my gosh. You'll never go in your garden again. I'll never garden again. He just took away the joy of tomato. Really, the joy of a Latino. Yes, the joy of every Latino. He took that right from you. It's gone. That's what these little brown hands were made to do, bro. These little brown hands were made to till soil and to cultivate. Or a Mexicant? Well, you're a Mexicant. Now I'm a Mexicant. Mexican Americans don't like to just get into gang fights. They like flowers and music and white girls named Debbie too. Well, back to what I was saying. We had this infestation. And at first we started with the traditional wooden traps where it would snap the neck and you'd have to see.
Not only the mouse, but you'd see everything that happened, kind of the sprayage around it. And we were like, well, we just can't have that. That's just disgusting. So then they moved to the sticky ones. And you'd come down and go, oh, gosh. And what do you do with them? You throw it away. You have to throw them away. Throw it in the garbage. You pick up the little, it's white plastic woods, and it's got this yellow, what looks like wax. Are they still alive? No, they're dead. How do they die? Because they can't move. Or if they stick their faces in it, then they'll suffocate. That's the goal so that it's more, you know, so they're not just sitting there. It's not flipper, dude. No, still. They're feeling so cruel. But if you put peanut butter on, they really liked, we learned. First we tried the cheese bit and that was fake. So we learned that they really liked peanut butter. They love peanut butter. So you put it down on there. So sometimes, you know, we would just come and they'd be. They'd be dead and they'd be face first, but sometimes it'd be just twitching. What do you do then? You pick it up. And do what? Throw it out. When they're alive? You throw it out, dude. Or you step on their little heads. No! Monsters! I don't know what my dad did with them. You step on a... Wait, Jay. You step on a combination of peanut butter, mouse, and sticky stuff. Yeah, well, you don't want to... You don't want to just...
Put it in the trash cans. Barefoot, right? Barefoot. I don't know what my dad did, but then we finally moved to the one where it was like a blackened casing, and it was just this long, and then all you would see was the tail hanging out. So you knew something was in there, but you didn't have to see. Jay would go out with a Gallagher mallet. Yeah. Bam! It's funny because we moved this big pile of firewood. And when we did, I had my dog out there, and Jasper, we had the BB gun, and the rats would come out, and my dog would be catching them and shaking them. Where do you live? It was a rat trap. It was a rat hunt. My parents live in the woods. It's California. There's a lot of rats. Goodness. My parents live in the woods, so we always have, like, there'd be one time we had a squirrel in the vents, and you could hear just, like, through the vents. Oh, my God. I'm not a man. One morning, my dad woke up and he saw a squirrel in the house, you know, and he's trying to catch it with a laundry basket. And he's like trying to throw stuff over it. And it's like he was like, what the hell? Because it was jumping so high and everything. And there's actually, you know, like a little.
wildlife shelter down the street where when you get animals in your house, you call them and they come get them. So my dad's like jumping around. Then he eventually gets it in the bathroom, but he also knocked over the cleaner. But he was too afraid to go in there. He calls the place. I would be. Yeah, and he calls the place and it's like six in the morning. He's like, oh my gosh, you got to get over here. I have a squirrel in my bathroom. I knocked over the cleaner and the woman's like, sir. You called the wrong number. Oh, my gosh. Called the wrong number. It tells the woman this. Come to find out, though, they came out. It was a flying squirrel. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Squirrel with wings that my dad. Flying squirrels in New Jersey? Yes. It was a California condor. Turned out it was a blue flying monkey. Which was really weird. So weird. You can call us if you have these weird stories of mice and stuff like that. 570-1949 is our number because we were talking about this thing that's on YouTube of this guy in a train in a subway that rat got in there and crawled up stuff.
You know, I have a friend, Brad, crush it, crush it. And he lives in a real nice area, a gated place in Rancho Santa Fe. And first time we ever go, you know, he invited Rebecca and I over to the house. And I thought, man, I have never seen a home like this. I mean, it was just, it was what, in my mind, I consider like a mansion. And just, but very homey and just. I mean, it's out in Fairbanks Ranch. Just gorgeous. And I told Rebecca, I said, man, if we ever hit the lottery or something, that would be the place to go. And about a month after that, he says to me, he goes, yeah, dude, he goes, got to try to deal with this rat problem, blah, blah, blah. And I go, what? And he goes, oh, yeah, you know, all this area is out by the canyons. And I said, well, isn't it coyotes? Mountain tigers or whatever. I don't know. Rattlesnakes? Did they get them? I go, where did you see them? And he goes, we didn't see them. We heard them. I go, what? He goes, oh yeah. He goes, we were sleeping. Woke up in the ceiling. Yeah. I would grab my 357 and just start plugging holes in the ceiling. From my bed.
They get in the walls, too. My friend lived by the lagoon. We'd be like, what was that? Oh, the rats. Trying to take care of them. Oh, my God. I'm telling you right now. If I heard the little pitter-pat of little feet in our ceiling, I would say to Rebecca, we're becoming Amish and we're moving right now. We're going to churn butter for a living. Gypsies. We're going to be gypsies. But we're not staying here until it's all cleared out. I've had an infestation of something before at my house. Crabs. Termites. No, not crabs. Cockroaches. Oh, yeah. I've had that. Where my buddy and I, it was an L-shaped building, and I lived on one side, he lived on the other. And I'm like, have you seen a lot of roaches? He's like, yeah. So he's like, all right, well, let's bomb them. Let's do bug bombs. Okay. We found, like, the little holes where they were, and we put the bug bombs in. I'm not kidding you. 700 cockroaches came streaming out of that hole. That's Texas, too, for sure. Dude. The cockroaches are giant. I didn't sleep for a month. They were that big each. They fly. Two inches, three inches long. That's disgusting. Yeah, they fly. Oh, dude, you have no idea. M1 Chris from San Marcos. Hey, how's it going, guys? It's good.
I was in my garage one night a couple years ago with my dogs, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a rat. Not, you know, usually they'll run and scurry along the floor. He was in the cabinet and jumped probably three feet from the cabinet into a rat, screamed like a little girl. And when we set the traps, we set one of those glue traps like Jay was talking about. Well, he got on it and pulled himself off. So there was a big patch of fur. So I ended up having to poison him, which took a week. But when I found him... One morning, out in the garage next to my dog's water bowl, there he was trying to get a drink of water because the poison dehydrates him. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is hideous. Oh, yeah. Scoop him up with a shovel, petrified, throw him in the trash can real quick, and run into the house and wash my hands. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I would have boiled my hands. I would have boiled my hands. My skin is falling so bad. I hate this. My friend Ryan. When I was at Betty Ford, when I was in rehab, I met this guy named Ryan. And great guy. Still friends with this guy to this day. And he found out that I had a fear of rats. And so he called his girlfriend. And he said, when you come visit, he goes, I'm going to tell you this website to go to. And he knew this website that had the most realistic looking rats that exist on planet Earth.
And his bit, Ryan's bit, became scare the crap out of Mikey. That is fun. With a fake rat. Oh, it's a great bit. And so these were the following places that he put the rat. In my shower. He put it in. We all had a hamper. And we had to put our dirty clothes in there. And we were in charge of washing our own clothes. And so he would put it like. halfway down. So as I was loading it into the... Dude, you just scared me when you did that. Oh, he thought it was so funny. Because it is. It is. My dad did the same thing to us. He got a fake mouse and actually got a glue trap and put it in there and he put it all over. One time it was in my bed. I pulled up the sheets. Oh my gosh. If it was in my sheets, if I saw a fake mouse, It would freak me out. M1 Cherie from San Marcos. Hi, Mikey. Hi. Okay, so mine's probably going to freak you guys out a lot. Oh, boy. I want to prepare yourself. Oh, wow. I'm leaving. I was a Marine for six years, and while living in the barracks before I got married, me and my roommate had a kind of a rap problem. Mm-hmm. And one day after we had pee-pee, which is our exercise, we were in our really short shorts and our shorts. Oh, yeah.
Oh, gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow. And it stayed there long enough to open the door and whack it off the top of my head and out the door. Whack it off the top of my head? Oh, my God. Stay still. I was freaking out. If you had been my wife, I'd divorce you. Because I couldn't touch you again. Yeah, never. I couldn't touch you again. That is like a movie scene. You are M1 Rathead. For sure. For sure.
Hey, thanks for the call, Cherie. Hi, thanks. I'll see you. That is officially M1 Rathead. Oh, my God. Wow, that was real creepy. Can we make a deal? What? We never talk about that again. Any of that. I'm so skeeved. I love these pretending to be a little hard. He got me. She had her eyes closed. I went. Hey, our boy Jared's got portraitprints.net. If you want to take a picture and make it look exactly like a painted, you know, an oil painting, it's high-end. It's real, real solid. Go check it out. It's sharp, man. Portraitprints.net. Okay, so we are expecting Neil Diamond in the studio, and we're also going to do Movie Plot Hot Potato. Oh, yeah. The loser of Movie Plot Hot Potato has to dress like Rex Ryan. We've got a jersey. We've got the hat. And they also have to wear jean shorts and paint their toenails pink for a week. For a week. And it's either going to be Jay or Woods. So we'll do it next. All right, so we will be playing Movie Plot Hot Potato in just a little bit. And the loser of Movie Plot Hot Potato today is going to have to dress like Rex Ryan. Because this weekend is the big...
Patriots-Jets game, and here's what the idea is. Loser has to dress like Rex Ryan. We have Jets hat, jersey, and fat suit. And then, to make it extra special, either Jay or Woods is going to have to have their toenails painted pink and green. And Lauren believes that Woods is going to win. Don't let me down. I won't. I believe that Jay will win, and so that means that loser has to paint that person's toenails. Now, anybody else you couldn't play this game with, but I know you. You're a man of upstanding moral character. Yeah. And you would never throw that game. I don't. And you wouldn't lie. I don't, and I won't. I don't, and I won't. I know you won't. Yeah. And that's why I feel confident in even saying, let's get it on. You know what? Wow. Well, and let's play the game.
In fact, I would even say, I would even go as far as to say that I think that you guys have won evenly. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. I would say that you guys. That's why it was a tough decision. It's not cut and dry. Yeah. I need to hear Chololo just for a second. Yes. It makes me feel good and I'm obsessed with it. This is a real disturbing Russian guy. From 1976. And he's on a television program that looks like the 1976 Tonight Show set. He comes out in a suit. He actually looks, in my opinion, he looks like a Ken doll. Except with Steve Buscemi's face. L-O-B! That is so perfect! Imagine if...
Imagine if somebody superimposed Zee Buscemi's face onto a Ken doll. That's what he looks like. Just the face. The hair is like still Ken. Yeah. Another favorite part. See, my favorite part is when he goes... There you go. There's the scold. But I'm just kidding. Love it. So Dave Matthews, be stopping by a little bit later on at 8 o'clock. See what's going on with Dave. Lawrence Taylor has... Oh, wow. Look at Woods. Woods. Right here, buddy. There you go. Lawrence Taylor. Should we do Woods on sports? Should we do it that way? I'm so confused because Sienna's out today. Yeah. How should we do it? Everything's a mess. We can do Woods on sports. All right, let's do that. Can we?
And I didn't get the information I was supposed to. Are you nervous? Because Sienna's out? I'm scared to death. We did it for a long time. You ever do four jobs? Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Medical Laser Center. Well, this weekend is the playoffs. The NFL playoffs. Awesome. Awesome, awesome games, including the one we've been talking about all week. The Jets-Patriots. There is a lot of bad blood. It's getting gnarly. And the last time the Jets played the Patriots, they get the crap beat out of them. Literally the crap beat out of them. And Rex Ryan had been running a little mouth before that game. He's run a little mouth before. Well, he couldn't run a little mouth if he tried. But he's been talking some smack. And here he is talking about game planning. Cut one. We're definitely showing our guys the game every day. Because you learn from it. That's the last time you've played them. These two teams know each other, so you want to make sure you know how they attacked you, what their plans were. Are they going to tweak their plan? Maybe, but they did score 45 points, so it's probably going to be similar. In his mind while he was talking, if you could read into his mind, you would hear this. Play the cut again. I'll show you. We're definitely showing our guys the game today. Feet, feet, feet, feet, toes, feet, smell, feet.
Toes. Lick. Toes. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet. Feet Oh, stealing our bits, eh? He did? But he did it. He's a huge M1. Dude, he did it in a way that was very, like, you know, he did it in a way that was very, but he dropped in a minute and a half nine foot references. No way. Yeah. No way. Yeah. Oh, we've got to find it. Awesome. We've got to find it. It's awesome. Bravo. Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton is...
said that he's going to skip his senior season at Auburn and go out for the NFL draft. You know, his signing bonus is going to be a lot more than he made at Auburn, that's for sure. Wow. Wow. That was a real dig. He's going to get a raise, dude. That's good. It's good for Cam, man. That's so unnecessary. And also, another game that I'm really looking forward to is the Ravens-Steelers game. A lot of bad blood between these guys. They don't like each other. The cities hate each other. They've started running mouth, too. Ray Lewis, who is LLB's favorite player. Murderer. Wow. Strong words, man. Strong words. The shoe fits. Oh, boy. So Ray Lewis has said the key to the Ravens winning the game will be their running back, Ray Rice. Cut to. He gets everything going on the offensive side of the ball. And then that's just the snowball effect because when Ray gets going, you know, our defense gets going. And he's that type of ability that he can take over a game any time he gets ready just by letting him touch the ball a certain number of times. Yeah, and I'll tell you, though, you can love him or hate him, that dude can play some football. I went to high school with Jeff Garcia and talked to him one time and asked him, hey, man, can I interview you on the air? And he said, yeah. And we were just talking before the interview. And he had just started playing for the 49ers. And I said,
He had played one season with the 49ers. And I said, who do you not like to be hit by? And I barely had it out of my mouth that he said, Ray Lewis. 100. Because he used to bring him to get killed. Oh, wow. And I said, I just got that. And I said, if you can, walk through for me what that experience is like. And he said, have you ever been in a car accident? Holy cow. And I said, and I hadn't. And I said, no. He said, I've been in one. He said, it's he said, at first you don't feel anything. You know, at first you don't feel anything. But then you're just aware of something really violent that's happened and you can't smell anything.
It's insane. I've been in three car accidents where there's been that real deep impact. One, I was immobilized for a week. And then the other two, the next day, my whole body was just completely sore. Just laid out. Just another Friday night. Subtle, isn't it? Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor has pled guilty to two misdemeanor charges in court on Thursday. Was arrested, as you guys recall, last May for felony statutory rape. He'll be sentenced to six years probation. What? Probation. But the probation would be following his jail time, correct? No, no. There's actually no jail time. Oh, this is going to hurt him, though. 1,300 in fees. No, that's not going to hurt him either. He must register as a sex offender. Well, surely that's going to hurt him. Cut three. It's a level one, which would basically mean once a year, Mr. Taylor needs to tell his local law enforcement authority where he lives. When I told that to Mr. Taylor, his response was, well, the captain of the police department comes to my house on a regular basis to socialize with me. So I don't think it's going to be a big secret to anybody about where I live. Wow.
That's weird. That was his attorney. Wow. Why would his attorney say that? Yeah, we're just a dirt bag. Maybe he's trying to say like what he thought he was saying by saying that was like, look, he's an upstanding citizen or else the captain of the police force wouldn't be at his house. Yeah, because the captain of the police force in the little town in New Jersey where there's certainly wouldn't want to hang out with Lawrence Taylor. Why would he want to hang out with Lawrence Taylor? There's crack, there's hookers, there's all kinds of stuff going on over there. Oh, man. It'd be a blast. And then finally. Chargers fans, you've got to be pretty stoked about this. John Fox has been hired as the new coach of the Denver Broncos. And if he's anything like he was in Carolina, it means a lot of wins for the Chargers. Well, I said no to them. Yeah, LLB said no. Guess we'll go with Fox. Yeah, Chris, our phone screener. Captain Buzzkill, I think. He interviewed, yep. So that's Woods on Sports. But John Fox will take over as the new head coach. And yeah, he's unspectacular at best. Unspectacular. Based on that. They do shed. Oh, look who's here. Wow. It's old Uncle Neil. Hi, Neil. Where you been? Where have I been? Practicing. That's where I've been. For what? The Super Bowl. You're not in the Super Bowl. No, I'm not playing football in the Super Bowl. I'm going to be performing in the Super Bowl. You're not. No. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I'm doing the halftime show. You're not doing the halftime show. The Black Eyed Peas are doing the halftime show. They invited me to be a part of it.
They did? They did. You buddies with Will.i.am and Fergie? Big Fergie fan, are you? Fur.i.am called me about three weeks ago and said, Would you be interested in playing the halftime show during the Super Bowl? And I said, I'd be absolutely honored. And so there I'll be. Black sequins. Black sequin cape. And we're going to do something a little different. Would you like to hear it? I would love to. Don't make fun of it. I won't make fun. And don't copy me. I hate when you do this stupid thing. Don't do it. The black eyed peas. Stop. Don't copy me. Tell her to stop. I'm not going to say anything because I'd rather enjoy it. I can't stand it when she does that. Shall I continue? You moron. Stop it. All right, so I'm going to play. Don't copy me. I'm done. All right, fine.
Playing with the black-eyed peas, and I'm going to do something different for you. I've got a feeling that tonight's going to be a good night. Tonight's going to be a good night. Tonight's going to be a good, good night. I've got a feeling that we're all going to eat some hash house. We're all going to be in a house full of hash. I have a feeling I might smoke your freaking face off. I might smoke your freaking face right off. Where's my woohoos? When Fergie first called me, I said, the only way I'll do this is if you don't pee on yourself. So it took two weeks. She said no.
She couldn't hold up her end of the bargain. Then she called me back on the bat phone and said, all right, Captain, I promise not to pee. She calls you Captain? That's my code name. Okay. When I stay at the Renaissance Hotel down at Harvard Drive. Not that I want anyone to know, but if any ladies want to come down, I go under the name Captain. That means that if you came to the front desk and said, I'd like the room key to see Captain. They'd have to give you the key. I'm not saying that I'll be there on February 21st, 2011. I'm just saying that if I were, if I were, you would ask for captain. And I've got a feeling I will smoke a horse pill. Tonight I will smoke a horse pill. Tonight I will smoke a big horse pill.
Thank you. That was rad. That was pretty good. Oh, shit. Easy. You don't want to take any of this from me. Dude, that's my guitar in here, man. Don't come in. Don't treat it the way that Woods treats it. Easy, that Jay treats it. Just put it back on the band. Oh, come on now. You guys ready for movie plot hot potato? No. Loser. All right, so L.O.B.'s got Woods, and I take Jay. Now, whoever loses has to put on the Rex Ryan fat suit. the Jets jersey, Jets hat, and they're going to have their toenails painted. Now, if Jay loses, I have to paint his toenails. If Woods loses, L.O.B.'s got to paint his toenails. And the color has to stay on their feet for a week. In fact, every day we will take a picture. Day one, day two, day three, day four, day five, day six, day seven. And so that's the way it goes. All right. The way that we play movie plot hot potato is that they're going to describe Woods and Jay are going to hold a little hot potato and they're going to bounce it back and forth between each other. And they're going to describe a movie plot to me. And I have to guess it. So call right now and you're going to take either Jay or Woods. And when Lisa from Bay Park, who do you want? Woods. There you go.
Hang on the line. And M1, Jeff Mann from Valley Center, you got Jay. Right. Hang on the line. And the winner will get a pair of social distortion tickets. Oh, my gosh. Very nice. All right. So movie plots for 60 seconds. Last person holding the hot potato is the loser and has to wear the Rex Ryan fat suit and get their toenails painted. Here we go. Okay, it's Anthony Hopkins, Alfred Hitchcock, shower scene. Psycho? Yes. One of your favorite movies, Denzel Washington is a blind man. He's going in search of something. Book of Eli. Yep. This is a musical, and they dance, and they have umbrellas. Gene Altry, or no, Gene Kelly. Sound of Music. No. He vocalizes in a thunderstorm. Oh, oh, oh. Singing in the Rain? Yes. What are your favorite movies again? You asked me to watch it with you. There's a dog fight in it. It made me sick to my stomach. Amor Espetos. Jack Nicholson. He's crazy. The Shining. No, he's in a... One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Clark W. Griswold and Family. Vacation. A Big Gorilla. A Big Gorilla. And he's got Bay Rain. We watched it during the Mikey-thon. Kevin Costner.
Waterworld. Hey, Stacy, that's a tasty cup of ice cream. Fast times where it's my heart. Johnny Depp. Oh, it talks like this. Come on. I said Allison. You got it. Did he get it? I guess he got it. What did he say? Allison. He said Allison. He didn't say Allison Wonderland. I didn't say Allison. And then the buzzer went off. But he had it out of his mouth. I don't know. I need to call him. He had it out of his mouth. Chris? How about we flip a coin? Your job's on this, though. Let's flip a coin. Let's flip a coin. No! We're not flipping a coin. You said Allison. You got it. Fine. He said Allison, and then it went. And it went back. So it was half. And Jeopardy, they would have gone, we're going to go ahead and give it to you, Johnny. Well, we're not on Jeopardy. We would say. Please finish your thought. The toes are on the line on this one. They would say, please finish your thought. Let's go to the studio audience. Finish your thought. Mikey, let's go to the studio audience. Mikey, finish your thought. Just know that I'm fine. What do you guys want to do? Who's getting it? Nobody wants to say at work. Wouldn't you guys want to see Mikey get his? Mikey paint Jay's toes? Yeah, Woods is still holding. No, but it was in the air. Woods was still holding when the buzzer went off. Still holding when the buzzer went off. You threw it. How about we flip a coin? That's not fair. Let's flip.
Hey, whatever. I'm a team player. I'll do whatever. We seem to be at a standstill, so let's flip. I'll flip ya. Get them snatched from you and there. Well, I mean, technically, you had it in your hand. No, it was in the hand. And Mikey didn't even have it out. You threw it just because I've got to get rid of this. Wait, who's who? Who's what? You call. You should get it. Okay. Hats. Oh, do it again. Redo. Redo. You've got to catch it. Mikey can't catch it done. Stop flipping pesos. Take an American quarter. Take an American quarter, not a peso. Here. What's he flip? Call it in the air. Flip the thing. Oh, sorry. You threw it up flat. Yeah. Oh, my God. Have you never flipped a coin? They're heads. Oh, my God. Get it to Chris. Oh, my God. Catch a quarter. Here, Chris. Oh, you can't catch either. Mikey. You've got to flip it. It went straight up and down. Put it on your thumb. Oh, my God. Chris. What is going on here? Oh, look at that. I got a feeling. Yes, Chris. Oh, yeah. Got to lose bets. So we should get him all suited up and we can take a break. Okay, I'll give you one more thing that we can do.
Do you guys have enough movies to try for a double or nothing? Nope, nope. Because that was so weird, dude. Usually one of you guys are always holding the thing, and Woods was still holding, and I didn't get the whole thing out, and it was weird. I'll do it. We're going to take a break, Jay. Yeah, let's take a break. You think the studio audience is going to get to hear Woods complain about this when we're going to break? When we come back, Woods in a fat suit. And he's going to get his toenails painted and he's got to wear them for a week. And L.O.B. will be the one doing the painting. Can't wait. It's next. Hey, let's hear it for our version of Rex Ryan. Thank you, Mikey. Thank you, Mikey. What's the Lost movie plot? Hot Potato. Finger quotes on Lost. And so here he is. And he's wearing jean shorts. Jorts. If you will. Yeah, jorts. He's wearing a fat suit. Yep. I just call it a suit. You just call it a suit. I just call it a suit. He's got on a Jets jersey and he's got on a Jets hat. Yep. And because Buddy, or no, because Rex Ryan. Oh, are you, oh my gosh. Wait till I tell you what just got delivered to L.O.B. A black dude. No. No. Unfortunately. Unfortunately for L.O.B.
Latex gloves. Unbelievable. To paint your toenails. Oh, I would use them too. Do you want to see them? Let me see. They're pretty hard. They're hideous. Are they hideous? They're hideous. Little hillbilly. Let's see. Yeah. I hear you've torn sheets with those toenails. You need to go to the vet. Okay. And so because he lost movie. No, no, no. I'm mortified. Oh, gosh. Come on. This sucks so bad, does it? Well, Woods. Oh, wow. L-O-B is putting on... What is those? What is those? What is those? This is a mask. Oh, my God. Did you hand make that? She hand made it? Jay helped me. Of course he did. She's got on a little mask. And she's going to paint? Yep.
Woodsy's toenails peak, and he's got to keep them that way. Now, why is she painting his toenails? Because Rex Ryan has some feet thing. Oh, boy. You hear me okay? I can hear you fine. All right. Those latex gloves look too big for you. Oh, wow. She's going to vomit. Are they gross, L.O.V.? Oh, boy. Oh, wow. She's putting a little protective thing down on her jeans. Only because I don't want the nail polish on my jeans. It's too funny for me to be embarrassed. Watching her makes me laugh. Is that the way that you do it, L.O.B.? You don't go the other direction? I usually do, but we'll just... Oh, wow. L.O.B.'s going towards the body instead of away from the body. Now I'm a little creeped out. Oh, my gosh. Woods, you have to keep that nail polish. I know. Wait, which one's supposed to be green? You can do the other foot. Other foot will be green. So one foot's going to – his right foot is hot pink. Hot pink. If I were doing my own, I would go away from the body. Right, but you're just wanting to get it this over with. I don't want to grab his foot. Don't you? Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh.
She's putting a little dabble. Oh, my gosh. If I didn't have gloves on this. Oh, the little one. Oh, my gosh. The little one. It's all jacked. That's not even a toenail. Oh, God. It's more of a claw. Yeah. It's a dew claw. Woods has to keep this toenail polish in. Oh, I can smell it now that I have the mask on. Yeah. I had my boots on today. I took my mask off and now I can smell it. L.O.B., I just want to ask you, you know, a year and a half ago when you were working as a server at the Belly Up, did you think to yourself that your job would be painting your co-worker's toenails? I thought maybe that I'd have to paint his fingernails or something, but the toe is a little much. It's so out there. I'm so happy that Chris got me these gloves because... I'd be screaming the whole time. This is gnarlier. This foot's gnarlier than the right foot. He has a pink painted foot. Yeah, and he's got to keep it for a week. All right, well. Jet screen. Jet screen is going on the other toe. How does this come off? You have to get nail polish remover. If it works. And this kind of looks like a booger. It does. It kind of looks like booger polish. Yeah.
It kind of does. Oh, I got my finger in it. Now, it doesn't have to be perfect, right? It's kind of ticklish. It is ticklish. I want to film a little bit for the intranet. Slow down, LLB. Really get in there. Wow. Hi, Mike. Hello, Mike. Now, I think Woods is starting to enjoy this. No, I'm mortified. Are you? Yes. I'm mortified. His little toenail should not qualify as an actual toenail. It's repugnant. And it's all turned off to the side? Yeah, it's... Like a drumstick? Why is it turned off to the side? I don't know, but you just got it all over my skin. Well, that's... I probably need another coat on each. Nah. I think we're about good there. Maybe we should blow on them. Finish product, Mike. Nice. Oh, my God.
I'm not real limber. Oh, L-O-B. Gorgeous. Can I get some of those sandals with the little toe separators? Yeah, you need those little foam separators. How long do I have to do this bit? How long do you have to do what bit? Let him dry? This bit. I don't know. What do you think? I think it'd be great. I'm just doing my testimony. You're wearing that. Yeah, you couldn't get through it. Oh, thank goodness for these gloves. I know, right? If I didn't have these gloves, we'd all be in trouble. That would have been tough. That would have been tough. Well, Woods threw this curveball at me yesterday when we were in Henry's. Yes. Mikey doesn't like curveballs. Mikey's a fastball hitter. Yeah. I don't like curveballs. He hates curveballs. If the ball comes straight at me, I'm usually pretty good. You're okay. Yeah. But if I get a curveball, I'm like, oh. So Woods, pull a curtain back.
We decided that we were doing this, so we announced on the radio yesterday that we were going to do this bit. The idea was that we were going to go and we were going to find a professional nail salon and have somebody come in and do this, right? And so I'm driving home yesterday, and I am on a very important phone call. Yes. And my other line rings, and I look at it, and it's Woods. Weird. Immediate decline. Weird. And I hit ignore. Weird. Well, because I knew I could call you back. Weird. And it was an important call and I knew I could call you back. You probably wouldn't have. I would. And so two seconds goes by. Bling! Voicemail. He's left me a voicemail. And then two seconds after that, bling! A text message from him that says, call me, pal. Ha. And I'm like. That's Woods' bit. After he leaves the voicemail, he's got to follow up. Maybe you a-holes answer your phone once in a while. Once in a while. Now, we keep our phones on us at all times, so sometimes it's not an ideal time to pick up the phone. One in 15 times you guys answer when I call. I'm tired of it. So he has. He's been voicing his displeasure with it. I'm sick of it. No text return, no nothing. Ridiculous. So I pulled into the Henry's parking lot.
Because I had to get a birthday cake for some friends and I pull in and I'm parked and I'm on this important conversation and I hear and I look to my window and there's Woods standing there. I guess he saw me on the road. He followed me and he follows me. I honked at this guy for 15 minutes. I waved. I had the window down. I was throwing stuff out of the car at him. Never saw him. Nothing. Why were you following him in the first place? We live close to each other. Yeah. It was just accidental? It was accidental. Important call. And so... More important than this bit. And so I can tell that he's... I can tell... And I point to the phone like it's important and I can tell he's like, oh boy, look at this guy. So he kind of storms off and he's blasting a cig. And I rolled my window down and I tapped on the hood of the car. Loud. Yeah. And I got his attention and I went like this with my arm as if to say, get in the passenger side. So he comes around and sits in the passenger side. You're going to whack him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And waited until I finished up. And he says, and I'm like, whatever this is that he's followed me into Henry's, whatever it is, it's a big deal. So he goes, I got an idea, pal.
Instead of doing the thing where we get like a professional salon, what if we got like L.O.B. and Sienna to do it? And I go, that's a curveball, Woods. You're giving me a curveball. And he goes, yeah, yeah, but there's nothing wrong with it. It's good. And I go, how do you know L.O.B. will do it? And he goes, I don't know. We have to clear it with her. And I go, good luck with that. And he goes, well. we'll try it you know let's and i'm like i don't know i don't know about that and he goes he talked i don't know it was like i was in the boardroom of microsoft and i've got a new product that's really good and i'm sitting there and bill gates is at the head of the table and i'm juggling i've got you know little midgets running around like we're putting on a show
For Bill Gates. And I said to him, I go. I'm selling short people. I said, here's my problem, Woods. I said, here's my problem, Woods. I said, my problem is that we've already got a plan in place. And he goes, I haven't taken care of it, though. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, maybe when you're done buying your little froofy cake, we go down to the nail salon and we ask the girls. And I go, are you kidding? You haven't done that yet? And he goes, I forgot. No, I didn't forget. He goes, I haven't had time. I haven't had time. Kid's got things to do. Yeah, just trying to adopt a kid and stuff. No big deal. Just following Mikey downtown. Just trying to adopt a kid. Waiting for him to stop. Yeah. Just doing, like, paperwork for adoption. Right. No big deal. Right. Hard to make a phone call. Right. It is. And so I said, well, listen, Woodsy. I said, my only issue with having Sienna and L.O.B. do it, I said, you know, I got no problems doing it this way as long as everything goes fine. Right up until it goes wrong is the only time I'd have a problem with it. And Woods goes, yeah, pal, it's great. I'll get it done. So then I get a text from Sienna this morning that says, can't come into work. I'm sick. And the first thing I thought. I know what the first thing you thought. And I immediately, immediately was like, S-O-B. Was I nice, though? He was so nice. You were so nice. I was waiting for them.
Well, this is why you plan stuff out, Woodsy. And I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. Didn't give it to you. I waited until we were on the air at 8.15 to give it to you. Yeah, which is even better. And I'm like, Sienna's like, I can't make it. And the first thing wasn't like, oh, I hope she's doing okay. I hope Sage is okay. I was like. I'm going to get my ass chewed real good. Woods called me. Yeah, I was scared to death. Called me as well. I was in the shower. I'm like, why is Woods calling me at 3.50 in the morning? Freaking out. So I call him, and he answers the phone like this. He goes. And I go, hey, dude. And he goes, hey. I was like, he's going. to murder me. Yeah, he said, I'm going to get killed. I go, I'm going to get, he's going to kill me. He doesn't like the curveball. I like the curveball. Really? But he, this was the best line of the day. We're in Henry's and I go, Mike, it's going to be fine. I go, aren't you so, like, if it's better, aren't you cool with that? And he goes, yeah, I'm always cool if it's better. But this waiting to the last minute thing really kills me. I go, dude, we've got 16 hours before we're going to be on the air. That's hardly the last minute. He goes, okay, yeah, you're right, you're right.
Just get it done. Okay. Yeah, no problem. I got it. I got this. Thanks, Sienna. Bandana. I'm Mikey. What did you just say? Nothing. That's L-O-B. Sienna's not here today because she's out sick. That's Jay. And our phone screener is Chris. Chris. So yesterday, Dr. Phil aired his deal where he had Ted Williams, the golden voiced homeless guy on the air. Many people thought that maybe he was taking advantage. Maybe. Why do you think I'm taking advantage of somebody? Because this is what you do. You always do. Wait a minute. All I did was take a guy. who really is sort of defenseless because he's been living homelessly for the last two years of his life, exploit him, put him on television, use him for ratings, and then send him off to a rehab. Now, what is wrong with that? I think it was the three-day special that you did. Rather than, hey, man, I really want to help you, and I want to get you some help.
I'm going to stretch this out, and I'm going to milk it for all its worth. And the dramatic previewing commercials. Yes, Phil. Are you saying that you've got a problem with me calling him a bald-faced, lying crack addict? Yes. Wow. A little bit. Listen to this. I've spent the last few days speaking with Ted and his family, and like any addict, I have met the many faces of Ted. The charming radio man, the regretful and sorrowful homeless man. and the bald-faced lying crack addict. Did he say bald-faced? Yeah, it's bold-faced, isn't it? It's bold-faced liar. Bald-faced. Bald-faced. That's when you're clean-shaven. What a D that guy is, man. If you lie right after you've shaved, you're a bald-faced liar. He's a D. They cleaned him up, cut his hair, shaved him, he's a bald-faced liar. Look at Mike. He's got no hair. He's a bald-faced liar. Bald-headed liar. Bald-headed liar. Let's see. This is Dr. Phil playing a clip of Ted lying about his sobriety. Ted, are you sober? Yes, I am. When's the last time you used? I mean, I can't give you exact dates, but it's a couple years ago. And again, you haven't had...
Now, by the way, that is the indicator because you can give exact dates. Yeah, you'd be counting, okay, I've been one day, I've been two days, I've been three days, I've been 65 days. I have my sobriety date. I know my sobriety date. Any alcohol, no drugs, nothing since you've been to Hollywood. Nothing. I'm scared to death of that being one of the biggest stories. Next on the insider, Tim Williams gets a drink, you know, that kind of thing. One of your daughters says that you are not sober. What do you say to that? another piece of sensationalism that could be sold. I mean, if that's what they want to do, then fine. You know, I can only say that to thine own self be true. Oh, wow. I feel good with what I'm saying about my sobriety. Here's what I can tell you. As a recovering addict, I can tell you this. Because a lot of people would be upset at the guy for hearing him lie that way, okay?
This isn't an excuse for it. It's just a reason. It's like when you have a cold. One of the symptoms of a cold is a runny nose. Okay. One of the symptoms of being an addict is lying. Just flat out. When you're an addict, you're a liar. There's no such thing as a truthful addict. Doesn't exist. There's no addict in the world that tells the truth. It's just a true fact. You lie. That's the deal. So it's as much of a symptom of that disease than anything else. Guys, that's what you do. But then I guess he admitted it to Dr. Phil. You've got to be honest with me. Straight up. And when we sat down before, were you 100% honest with me? Now, I'm taking into account that I'm asking a guy that lies if he's being honest. 99%. And the only 1% that I was honest about was forgiving myself. How about drinking? I had a drink. So that wasn't honest. Why is he breathing so heavy, Dr. Phil? He's got a cold. He's all stuffed up. I don't think so. That's why he's breathing hard. So Dr. Phil offers him rehab. Tell me what you're afraid of. I'm afraid of making some... I'm afraid of Jay. Quick. I know, right? Well played. I'm so happy on the notion of just...
Maybe seeing my grandchildren. What are you going to do, fly all of them down? You'll see them soon. You haven't seen them for years. Ted, you can get this under your belt, and when you go see them, you can see them. What is this, a reservation only? I got to get in at a certain time? Yes. If I don't go today, I can't go tomorrow? It's that kind of feeling I'm getting. Ted, the danger. I feel pressured. Wow. Well, that's clear to me. He doesn't want to stop. He doesn't want to stop. It's just, I think, wrong to tell him while he's on TV, guess what, you're going to rehab. So he says, okay, but can I go back to Columbus first? And then I'll go to rehab. I've got Rich Whitman here, who's the director, that was going to offer to escort you there.
If you want to go to Columbus, we'll just have him make a detour with you to Columbus. You can tell him where to stay there. And instead of going straight back there, he'll go there, and then he'll just go with you from Columbus to there. Now, that'd be fine. Then I'll get up and hug you for that. You like that idea? Yes, sir. How flexible am I? You're a beast. It's disgusting. You want to go to Columbus? We'll go to Columbus. Thank you. Are you happy now? Yes, sir. How long you want to stay in Columbus? Just a couple days. Now, you're not going to get there and change your mind. No, no. I promise you that. I promise you that. I just lied, but I'm going to promise you. But I swear that I won't. My word is as good as salt. Salt. My word is as good as salt. Well, the reason I'm on the show right now is because I lied to you. Because I'm a bald-faced liar. Are you going to drink up there? No. I don't plan to. Oh, boy. The out. The out. The out. It's not something that I've etched in stone. Yeah, it's not like I have a reservation at the bar. I have no bar reservation. No, there's no reservation at the bar. I'm not going to buy alcohol at the duty-free shop. That's what you're asking me. I don't have tattooed on my body. Yes, I will drink in Columbus. I do not have that tattooed on my body. That's not what I asked you. I said, are you going to drink in Columbus?
I'm not going to get on the Queen Mary and go on a cruise and drink on it. Can I say maybe? No, you have to say no. Well, I mean, I can't say no, but I can't say yes. It's like you're saying yes. No, because I can't say yes. Someone could tackle me. Pour a beard on my throat. Yeah, and then I'd be a bald-faced liar. I don't want to do that. I could fall into a vat of whiskey. The chances of you falling into a vat of whiskey are almost astronomical. Well, not in Columbus. What do you mean? Well, there's a lot of parties and whatnot. With big vats full of whiskey? Yes, it's in college town. So you're telling me, because I've been to college, you're saying that in this particular college town. Columbus. There are big barrels full of whiskey. And gin. And gin. And gin. That people can fall into? Yes, pools of it. That seems almost impossible. I've never seen that. I think, are you telling the truth? I am telling you, maybe. Yes, I promise. Do I? I'm not taking this as a free ticket to drink. I mean, you know what I mean? Keep talking, Ted. I've got a couple days of drinking in me, because Dr. Phil's going to give me the best treatment that money can buy. You don't want that last fling. We don't want you to have one last fling. Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
But I do want to make sure that that guy from the rehab is in a totally different hotel slash part of town. City. Well, we can't do that because he's got to watch you. Well, he doesn't have to. I mean, I'm 87 years old. But if we have him stay in one hotel and you stay in the other hotel, there's a high likelihood that you will drink. Well, define high. What you are right now. Okay, so this is what we're going to do. Well, yeah, you can take your fat suit off. Thank you. Are your toenails dry? I think so. So cute. It should be. Wow, that looks weird. I have what is supposed to be a lost tape of a jam session with Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis in 1960, so you decide if it's them. Play it next. This band's ever ruined a hotel room. I think these guys have ever made love with girls with feathered hair. I think these guys have ever worn a pair of jeans.
You think their drummer has one arm? Oh. Oh, well. Too soon. He's a good sport. Too soon. He's a good sport. He's a good sport. Well, he'd have to be, wouldn't he? Hey, Woods, I thought you could take the pet suit off. Dang. Why do I work here? Oh, Woods. You're too much fun. Do Jeff and Jared do sports? They have sports? They need a sports guy. That's your new bit. That's my new bit. Yeah, stop saying that. Why? Don't worry about it. Do you have some seed? Do you need a sports guy? Jagger and Chris need a craft guy? Does the show need somebody to do something crazy?
Do something crazy. I would never leave you guys. You know that. Elvis Presley with some supposed lost tapes of him and Jerry Lee Lewis from 1960. We can't keep up with you. That's not what I'm talking about. You just make up that you have lost tapes of Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis Presley. Let's hear it. No, we can't keep up with you. I didn't hear one person that sounded like Elvis Presley. Right, I kept waiting for Elvis. Because they had a little bit of guitar and a little bit of piano, they're like, oh. It must be Elvis. You just make stuff up? I guess. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, Howlin' Wolf. Moaning in the Moonlight is the name of the album.
Is everyone familiar with the situation? Good, good. The situation of all shows went on... The View. You trademarked GTL, Jim Tan Laundry, and you put it on some merchandise. Can you show it to us? It's right behind you. It's right behind you. Grab. Yeah, this right here. Oh, she's grabbing that. Did you get one? Did you get one? No, I didn't get one. You should all talk at the same time. Talk at the same time. Talk at the same time. Everybody say something. This is the official Jim Tan laundry bag. And not only is it economically friendly, but you can technically... Economically friendly. I think he meant... I think he meant environmentally. Environmentally friendly. We should do our imitation of what it sounds like on The View. College Nationwide keeping tabs on students with credit assessment. West Memphis 3 inmate could get new trials. Could get new trials.
Use it as like a suit bag, okay? When you take it, you can use it as like a comic bag. You can use the suit bag as well as you can turn it over and go to, obviously, you know, the laundry. If you're kidding college, you throw your laundry in here. Okay, you suit it back up like so. Guy's a millionaire. It's unbelievable. Just so you know, it's unbelievable. Yeah, the situation is a millionaire, the guy from Jersey Shore. I work. my butt off every day. I'm doing four jobs today. Make a laundry bag. That guy. Yeah, make a laundry bag that says get on it. Excuse me, get sticker. I don't have it. He hasn't made a dime. I haven't made a nickel. He went to. Didn't do anything with it. Because I'm lazy. I feel something on my leg. Something feels strange. Is it a rat? It's not a rat. Oh, look who it is. It's our old friend, Dave Matthews. Well, good morning. How are you, Dave? I'm a little hungover, but That's weird. That's about par for the course. Yeah, Dave Matthews, as you know, stops by the studio every once in a while and just hangs out with us. He's a guitar player and, oh, just got up, walked away. I don't know where he's going. Oh, boy. Oh, he's right there. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Snuggling up. Wow. I missed you, my friend. My little friend. There's usually supposed to be a reply to that, but I just stay quiet when he says that. Well, you know, I've been away and I've been back and I've been living over at Kaysan.
Yeah. For a while since you moved in here. Our sister station. Nobody gave me the code. So before you leave, leave the code on a piece of paper so that I can come in and go. Not going to happen. Can I ask you a favor? Yes. Close your robe. Please close your robe. Close. Poor K, Mikey. Because, Dave Matthews, it's your body is showing. And you wear a white robe. Oh, wow. Don't open her up. Don't open it up. Don't open it up. Please close it. Please put the string. Tie the string. Tie the string. Tie the string. Tie the string. Tie the string. Oh, wow. You've been hanging out in an onion factory? Yeah, you smell like onions. You smell like onions, Dave. I probably need to grab a shower in Mr. Rick R. Jackson's office because, as you know, he does have a shower in there. Yes, he does. I don't have the code to that side of the building yet either. I don't know how you got the code to KSOM. I kicked the door in. I've been away. I was in New York for a while. You look so scroungy. Yeah. I feel like just total ass. But I was in New York for a while, and I came back, and something's going on, man. I made some new little friends when I was there. What? Who? These little guys.
Oh, what is that? Well, in New York, they call them bedbugs. I don't know what they call them here. Oh, that's great. They call them bedbugs. Oh, that's great. Here, I'm going to show you. No, don't show me. No, no, no, no. No, Dave Matthews. No, Dave Matthews. Yes! Don't do that! Please, Dave. Oh, gosh. Why is he hugging you? I don't know. He just put his hands all over me. You're going to give everyone bedbugs. So what? What do you mean, so what? It's not a big deal. I can see them in your... He's making friends with them. Yeah. Yeah. This is... Maki, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Davey, Robbie, and Brian. That's not true. If that were true, you could repeat it. Maki, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robbie, Johnny, and Brian. All right. Those are your bed bug friends. Really did name his bed bugs. Yeah. They're in your, I can see them in your chest hair through the road. Well, those are crabs, but these are bed bugs here. No, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. How's it up there? I loved a woman who wasn't clean, L.O.B. That's how it happened. That's how it happened. Thank you. Well, I wrote a song. And I think out of everybody in here, you, Miguel, are going to appreciate this. It's Miguel. You're a Latino. You're going to appreciate it more than anybody. You ready?
Bed bugs, I love my bed bugs. Hey, Dave. Hey, bed bugs. Dave? Yep? Maybe work on the bit. You know, I don't know. What do you mean? I'm just saying, maybe if you're going to write a song. Sometimes, when you have nine jobs to do, you can't get around to doing something that you had planned on perfecting in the morning. When somebody calls in sick, but it's no big deal. Here, ready? My bed bugs. That's the only lyric. My bed bugs. Bob and Bugs. What happened? That's it. That was the song. I thought you'd like it. Sung to the tune. Oh, boy. Did you scratch it? He sure does take good care of those guitars. Yeah, he sure does. Jay's starting to sound a little weird. That's right. Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews. Mike Espaza. That was a great.
rendition of the song bedbugs i really liked your neil diamond that you did earlier and i noticed that most of it was off the cuff well i don't know that you were able to notice that since there was more than one word in my off the cuff well you know i don't speak Latino. There was two in his, just for the record. There was two, that is true. But what's really important about this song is that it was la-la-la-la-lazy. It's the c-c-c-c-chorus. Is that better for you? That makes much more sense. Thank you. Thank you. Dave, now you're just singing. Is that better for you? That was better, Dave. You little better than I ban my bedbugs. Yeah. Well, I got to go. I'm tired of being abused and ridiculed and unappreciated. And I wonder if DSC needs a Dave Matthews on their show. A Picardoo and did a little bit.
Does anybody in the room have something that they love that most people hate? Now, I'm going to give you an example. For me, surgery. Wow. Most people hate surgery. What? I think everyone hates surgery. Everyone hates surgery. I love it because my life is, and my wife would say the same thing, my life is so... Busy. I get up at 1.30 in the morning. I go to bed at 6 o'clock at night. I'm here on Wednesdays till 3. I get home at 4. I get two hours to eat and spend time with my family. And then I go to bed. Now, surgery is like vacation. It's like vacation. Not only is it like vacation, but I have a TV. I get to watch my stories on television. Your stories. Stories. You and Heidi Montag are the only two people that like surgery. Oh, dude. That's good. I don't like it. I love it. Wow. I love it. I get to watch television. It's generally about a week to 10 days off. And my wife will bring me chicken soup in bed. And people feel sorry for me.
They show me attention. What about the actual procedure? Do you get scared about that or are you just looking forward to the action? All I think of is people feeling sorry for me. Demerol. Love. Dilaudid. Dilaudid morphine. It's two weeks of just not having to worry. I don't have to worry. You're a sad, strange little man. I showed Woods the other day. Because Woods goes, what's your bit, dude? You got a new bit where I text you don't text back. Yep. It's awful. And I opened, I turned my phone on and I showed him my emails. I said, look at this. I had 34 emails. It shows you the number of emails you have. I had 34 emails. And that's along with everything else going on. So for me, surgery, oh man, that's a vacation. I got a couple. What? In that vein, but I like being sick. I like being homesick. In bed, crackers, chicken soup, watching movies. I'd have snuff. But being sick hurts. It kind of hurts your chest a little. I only really get sick. When I get sick, I get sick one time a year. It's a chest cold that feels like razors are shooting out of me when I'm coughing and sneezing. You don't get aches? You don't get pains? No, not really. That part hurts.
But I'm like, oh, I can lay in bed, watch movies. Jamie is wonderful when I'm sick. She's awesome when I'm sick. Takes such good care of me. I cuddle with the dogs. I love it. Chill in bed. The other one thing that I like that nobody else likes is working. With you guys. Yeah, you do like to work. You guys, you know, I like coming to work every day. He does like working. Yeah. If by loving to work with us, you mean, hey, dude, I got to get out of here, man. I got to go. Hurry up and do this promo. You know, because I just, I like being here. I just like spending time with you guys. Hey, guys. You know? Hurry up, Mike. I got to go. I got dogs pooping in my house right now. No, I want to sit here, and I want to sit here and just sit around and decompress like you do, even though I have dogs pooping and peeing in my house right now. Speaking of poop, kids got to take poop. Grab it up, Mike. That's right. Pushing cotton. M1. No. M1. Oh, boy. M1. Jimmy is on the line from Ocean Beach. Are you there? I'm here. What's up, Jimmy? Not much. So I just heard you guys talking about surgery, and Mikey, you said you liked having surgery?
Yeah, it's a couple weeks off. He loves it. I just had a shoulder surgery a few months ago, and I'm in the military, and they gave me like two straight months off. Oh, wow. Man. And I loved it. Two months off. I would love that. Well, it was originally going to be like six weeks, but they prolonged it, and I enjoyed it. You're lucky, pal. Our program director, Garrett, was like, what do you think of two days, pal? I know they're cutting you open, but can you be back by Monday? What if we get a mic in the room? Just run a corp? We just run a microphone into the hospital. Doesn't that work? This is M1 Adam from Poway. And hey, guess what, Adam? Yeah. You are the grand prize winner this week for the word of the day, which means that not only did you win... The Dinner for Two to Pamplemousse Grill. You got a $50 gift certificate for the 2011 Ski and Snowboard Mega Sale. And you also got a $250 gift card to the Ski and Snowboard Mega Sale. Congrats, dude. Yeah, hang on the line. That's pretty good. I've been sick for like, I don't know.
Three weeks now, four weeks, it's been lingering. And one thing I like when I'm sick, I like to produce loogies. Oh, you like it? I love it. Didn't expect that. I like the darker and the thicker that they are. Well, we know that. Let's hear about your loogies. Let's hear about your loogies. Okay? We know that. It's been established. Enough of the rough talk. Enough of that rough talk. I meant the loogies. Oh, you meant the loogies. Because then I think that I'm getting the infection out. Like, if it's green and stuff, I'm like, oh, there it goes. Never met a girl that submitted that. I love it. I like it, too. It feels good, though, to get good production. Yes. That's what it is. It's disgusting. It feels productive. Yeah. Or if I'm having a cough spit and something comes up and I'm like, oh, there's that. Yeah. I love those hospital terms where they'll be like, have you had efficient bowel movements? Yeah. BM. Efficient? It's been pretty efficient. Yeah. And steady. It's been steady. Are you having a mucus-producing cough?
You know what else I love about being home like that is watching the late night TV and the late night commercials and stuff like that. So for you, late night, like 7.30? No, it'll be genuinely for me. You can't watch it. You watch a Kimmel and stuff? Letterman? No. I might have seen something over the weekend that I... Might be considering. Might. Hair implants. Maybe we don't guess what it is I'm considering. Good in that. But thanks. No, it's... Garden weasel? No. I want to learn how to sharpshoot like an old western shooter. What? Wait.
Wait. Woods, wait. He just left. He left. Woods, wait. There's a cool breeze that followed him. He always, he thinks, he goes, this is Woods. Woods doesn't like it when I do weird stuff. You're such a bore. That is insane. What does it mean exactly? What do you mean shark shooter? I know exactly what he means because I've seen it too. It's the fast. Oh, I know what it is. Quick draw. It's a competitive. Like the old west. You're not a cowboy. How do you know I'm not? Wait, you want to learn in case you have a burglar that comes into your house? In case our show gets moved to Tombstone, Arizona. Mikey in his gown with his flat shooters on. In case we get in a fight at a saloon. Yeah. In case somebody crawfishes a bet during poker. They have these, you know, I enjoy shooting. I've grown up around it. My brother. In case we're playing Pharaoh and somebody crosses you.
In case the prostitutes that we hired renege on us from the saloon. What? Why would you want to learn how to sharpshoot? Because it looks fun and cool. No, okay. Sharpshooting. It doesn't look cool, but it does look fun. Sharpshooting I get. Sharpshooting. There's a guy whose body is physically shaking in the studio audience from laughing. He's like laughing at me so hard that he's shaking. Okay. I don't get it. Oh, L.O.B. Can you show me? I'll show you. They do the thing, L.O.B., where they hold a colt in their holster. Okay. And, you know, they are competitive and they have, like, cans lined up and they have to go. Oh. Everyone in here looks humiliated. I know. I have seen it. And I've seen, like, I don't know his name, the best guy in the world. And he's great. He's a badass. He does. What if I could be better? Than him. What sort of outlet would there be for you to compete? I don't know yet. I don't know yet. Real gun? Like, I play in an adult baseball league. We all get together. We've got umpires. We play. And we play on a team. And we have a team. And, like, they have fields and stuff that we can use. Don't. Where would you go? Don't look down your nose at me. I'm not. I'm just saying. Don't judge me. You're going to go out to the desert? Hey, babe.
Have fun with the kids. I've got a shooting competition this weekend. Bye, hon. Hope it goes well. Slide up a bunch of cans. Hey there, partner. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You got a couple of spurs on your boots? Mikey, I'll bite. I'll bite and say that I'll support you because I really want to see it. Oh, I would love to see it. I don't want to watch you shoot your toe off, but I want to see it. You and your little hat. Yeah, and your little sombrero over there. There ain't enough room in this town for the two of us. You gonna draw that gun? You and a cactus having a standoff? This town ain't big enough for the both of us, boy. You ever just trust your friends? What did you think we were going to say? Oh, yeah, that sounds rad. No, I knew it. You should totally do that. No, I knew it. To see you in a pair of chaps. I'm not going to do that. Assless chaps. I'm not going to wear that dorky stuff. Assless. What are you going to wear? I'm just going to do the dorky thing. I'm just going to do the dorky thing. I'm not going to dress apart, you idiot. That would be lame. Because that would be lame. I want to see this more than anything. I'm on ESPN. Yeah. That would be pretty cool.
I think they look awesome when they're doing it. Probably the only chance you ever have to be on ESPN. Oh, wow. Without question. Wow. Right? Am I right? As a sharpshooter. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. You should do it. We'll film it. I hope you do it. I really do. I'll do it with you, dude. I'll go with you. Oh. And I will laugh so hard. I want to film that. Yeah. If anybody knows how to get into this sport, do they have an S-D-A-S-L? Really? San Diego Adult Sharp Shooting League. I'll sign up. Holy crap. All right, don't go away. Go ahead and take a guess on how much you think Lady Gaga is going to earn this year because you're probably wrong and you need to guess higher. We'll tell you next. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I'm 40 years of age. Woods, he's 35. He's sitting directly across from me. He's our sports guy. Lauren O'Brien is our resident stand-up comedian, and she is 30 years of age. We call her L-O-B. Sienna's not here today. She's out sick. Her little four-month-old Sagey is sick, too. Hope you guys are feeling better, Sienna. We hope you feel better, Sienna. Not the same without those here. You here. It's not the same without you here. How long have you been waiting to say that? Three hours. He just gave me...
Creep love. Creep love. I gave you that face over there, that guy on the book. Jay is our producer. He's 47, and our phone screener is Kraft. It's Kraft. So, Woodsy, how much do they say Lady Gaga is going to earn in 2011? More than the situation, for sure. That's a lot. That's a lot of dough. This broad is supposed to pull in $100 million. $100 million this year. $100 million? Yeah, so she has 41 shows over the next six months. Those 41 shows are going to net her $33 million, about $800 grand a show. Her new record, Born This Way, drops in June. She wasn't actually born that way, though. No. Because I saw her. No, I heard she was born and her name was Lady Gaga. It was Lady Gaga? I think it was like Stephanie.
Gaga. Stephanie Gaga. Stephanie Gaga. And she just adapted the lady when she got older. Yeah. Well, they said her record is supposed to make her $10 to $15 million. And it's just insane. So then she's going to do a stadium tour that's going to make her about $1 million a day. $45 million. So, yeah. A million dollars a day. Over $100 million. Mikey Show. Hello. Hey, guys. It's Gay Nick. Oh, boy. Hi, Gay Lord. My name is actually Gay Lord. I just shorten it to gay neck. It's easier. Gaylord is lame. I think so, yeah. I kind of like, I prefer Gaylord. Yeah, me too. No, I like gay. Listen, try growing up, going to school in a small Midwestern town and going by the name Gaylord and see how that works out for you. Well, was gay any better? How'd that work out? It worked out better than Gaylord. When I was Gaylord, people were like, oh, are you gay? And now. Then they were like, hey, gay, are you gay? No one ever said that. Oh, okay. They think they just made their own assumptions, probably. Anyway. The reason I was calling was because I heard you guys talking about Lady Gaga. Big fan? I actually am a fan of Lady Gaga. You're a monster. That's weird. A little monster. Little monster. One of her little monsters. Weird. That's strange that you'd be a fan of Lady Gaga.
Oh, I don't know. Well, because you're a guy. Just because you're a guy. But... Yeah. Let's see. I thought you said you like Lady Gaga. Well, I like Poker Face. I think it's catchy. Silly. You like it then. Why would you... Well, I don't like her. I'm not a little monster, is what I'm saying. Okay. I mean, I don't like her to the point where I'd join her fan club. Well, anyway, people make the same mistake with her because they're like, oh my goodness, was she born with the name Lady Gaga? Just like people are like, oh my gosh, were you gay, Nick, from birth? You're comparing yourself now to Lady Gaga? I'm saying that we have the same situation with our name. I'm gay neck. She's Lady Gaga. She was Stephanie Gaga, and then she got older. Right. And now she's Lady Gaga. Yeah. Right. I see what you're saying. People had a hard time believing it. They were like, oh my gosh, how could somebody be named Lady Gaga? And I was like, oh my gosh, how could I be named gay neck? But I am. Well, you go by gay neck. Yes, because I'm not going to go around saying my name is Gaylord. Right, because that'd be lame. But that's your name, though. Right. I get it. I love you. It's not really the same as Lady Gaga at all, kind of. Why are you guys so concretative? We're really not. Confrontational, I think is what you meant. You guys are confrontational? Yeah. Where's Santa? She's out sick. Huh? She's out sick. When will she be back? I don't know. She's my favorite person on the show. Oh, okay. Makes sense. Thanks. I love your face. I love yours. I kind of just like yours.
It's kind of just like yours. No, I kind of just like his face. I don't love it. You don't love it. I've never seen it. Well, you haven't developed enough of a relationship to go from like to love. Right. I like like it, but I just don't love it. You like gay Nick. Yeah. Is there anything wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with it. Just waiting to hear crickets. It's probably not going to work out. Let me see. I think he's got a girlfriend. That's why. Yeah, probably. What drives you nuts? We talked about this yesterday off the air, and I said I wanted to bring it up on the air. For Jay, it's leash laws. Yeah, if I go out on a trail and it's not in a crowded, busy area, why can't I take my dog off the leash? I'm way out in the wilderness. Happy birthday, man. Well, there's nobody even out there. Yeah, just do what you want. What if your dog fell off a cliff? My dog deserves it. It's like it goes falling off a cliff. And how do you know? That there's nobody out there. I've been out there. I know, but you're walking, you don't see anybody, but then you turn a corner and there's somebody. And what's my dog going to do if he's off the leash? He might get eaten by a coyote. Not my dog. Why not yours? My dog would eat the coyote. My dog is giant. What about a pack of wolves? He could take them. How about an elk? Yeah. What about a wild alligator, dude? What about a stampede? What about a tiger? Okay, you got me. Good law. Put them on a leash. Yeah, it's not right. I mean, coyotes aren't on leashes. Woods.
They're not domestic house pets. You have one? Yeah, I've got a few. What? Things that drive me nuts. Weird. Really? Nothing. Can you say the elevator thing? The elevator thing. You don't like the... Yeah, well, like the elevator... The fake elevator bit. That wasn't mine. That was Sienna's. It was Sienna's. She doesn't like when people in the elevator... I don't like when people in the elevator, when they like pretend to look at their cell phone like they're doing something and they're not doing anything. Or even answer their phone. Or answer their phone in the elevator. Like how rude can you be? Because you don't get reception in the elevator. Me and L.O.B. are going to have a disagreement on this one. Yeah, we are. Because L.O.B. and I feel very differently about this. L.O.B. doesn't like it when she's walking and passes someone and they don't say hi. And that's me. In particular, if they don't say hi back to me. Now, I would say hello back. Obligatory hi back. But I won't make eye contact. Why? So weird. Be different. I do. That's why if anybody said hi, I would say hi back.
Say hi first. Be different. Yeah. I'm not going to say hi first because I don't know what that person's going through. I don't want to bother them. And I'm being honest with you. It's no bother. It's no bother to you. It's no bother. You know what? This is the move. This is the move. You don't always have to be the one to say hi first. Just make eye contact with the person. And we see. If he's having a bad day, he might not want to make eye contact. Or he might look up at you like a puppy dog. And then you just move on. But if we are two people walking past each other. There's no reason we shouldn't at least look at each other to acknowledge that the other person is also on the trail. I don't know if you just broke up or I don't know if you're going to stab me. Don't assume that. Just assume that I'm just a normal person. I cannot assume this. Don't assume that they're Ted Bundy. You know what I mean? Just assume that they're Joe from Escondido and they just want to say hi. A self-defense tactic is if someone was maybe planning on just jumping you, if you make eye contact with them, they're less likely to jump you. There you go. I just figured it out. I'm afraid of people. No, you're not. Okay. No, you're not. I'm telling you, if I was walking by you, L.O.B., I would, and I'm being completely honest, I would not want to inconvenience you. How would you inconvenience me? Because you may be the type of person that's like, can't I just be...
I left alone. Can't I just be? Can't I just go walk? Can't I just smile and say hi? It's just friendly. How sick of an inconvenience? How hard is this? Hi. Hi. You know what, though? That's two people that enjoy that. You know there's people out there that don't. And how do you know? Serial killers. No, no. Hang on a minute. If I say hi to somebody that doesn't like hi and they look back at me and they don't say hi back, that's going to ruin the next. 20 to 30 minutes of my life. No doubt about it. No, no, no. There's no doubt, if not longer. I'll probably think about it even longer than that. All that needs to happen is you need to tell yourself... That person's a jerk. That person's a jerk. What a jerk. No, no, no. That's like saying sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me. No, actually, they devastate me. So I don't want to hear the names. I don't want to hear. They won't call you names. Jay knows that at Clear Channel, the rap on me was, oh, yeah, Mikey doesn't talk to anybody, blah, blah, blah. For me.
I was like, oh my gosh. I'm like, I stay to myself. I don't bother anybody. I just walk. You don't have to say hi then. Just smile. Just smile. Don't have a lovely smile. I'm afraid. Don't just look at your phone the whole time. He likes to look at his phone the entire time we're walking around. What's the matter with the phone? It can be perceived as snotty. And self-involved. And self-involved. And self-absorbed. What if you are self-absorbed? Well, don't be. Well, listen, in Mike's defense, he has come on the air many times and said, I don't have a lot of social graces. He will show up to a party empty-handed. But that's because he doesn't know any better. He knows that he's not following the social code. So here's the thing. It's outside of your comfort level to, like, for instance, when we leave the show today, we'll walk out by the elevator. Chances are there will be somebody waiting with us that we may know, may not know. But what you need to do is just say, hey, how you doing? It's that easy. And you just practice. And it's like anything. You practice. I feel like if I leave them alone, they will be appreciative of me. No. They won't. That's not. That's why you had the weird rap over at Clear Channel. That's why you had the weird rap. Everybody expects you to be this, you know, very outgoing. The guy that you're on the air, that's who they want to meet in the hallway.
Like they want to hear you do Hoyle in the hallway. They want to smile and just, you know. Hi, I'm Hoyle. We'll just do a character if it makes you feel better. Don't do that to people. Yeah, like imagine they don't know the character. They've never heard it. And I'm like, hey, how you doing? I'm fine. What? I'm fine. Like you can do tattoo at the elevator. Hey, hello. What are you doing now? Neil Diamond will be in the elevator. Hey, get out of here. You're an idiot. Yeah. I mean, you can... I don't want to ride the elevator with you. I think you stink. Get off. A lot of people like Obama. I mean, you could do that. I would do that, except that if they didn't know what I was doing, it may seem weird. Psychotic. Psychotic. You need Garrett. Yeah. Garrett. What if I did it to Garrett? What if Garrett walked off the... And I went, Garrett. We do that anyway. You do that. That's true space. I will see Garrett walking in the hall and just go, Philly. And he looks at me and he's like, F you, what? He'll say, La Crosse, Pennsylvania.
I do not want to say, I do not want to, I don't want to talk to people on the trail because I don't want to inconvenience you. Well, the chances of you being on a trail are pretty slim. We're talking in front of the Apple store. In front of the Apple store, Bucca de Beppo. Going into that fufu kitchen place that you like. It's called Surlatan. Or Z Gallery. Those would be the type of places that you might encounter. If somebody is out in front of Z Gallery. Feel free to say hi. On your way to and from the bathroom. It just tickled you, didn't it? Halfway through it, it just tickled you. It just was like, oh. Church. Church. You know? Church. Say hi to somebody at church. On your way from the kitchen to the couch, you know, if you pass people. Say, hey, Luke. Hi, Luke. You know what I'm afraid of? Honestly, I think I developed this. I think I developed this at... this job because you'll meet people out in public and sometimes people are strange man like this girl at church she goes she goes uh sorry i just wanted to say hi i know you don't like to meet people and i go that's not true i said and hang on dude i go i go that's not true i go i do like to meet people i said i don't like to meet mean people yeah sometimes people will come up to you and maybe they don't get it socially their social iq is very low
And they'll come up and they'll go, oh, you really are short and fat. And they'll say it. It's true, man. They'll say it to you. And it's weird. And you don't know how to react. And it hurts your feelings. And you don't know how to react to it. Some girl on Facebook. posted this really hideous picture and she goes sorry i had to say it this looks just like you and it was a really awful looking person i mean awful yeah you know and it hurt my feelings now people will do the same thing to you in person they'll do it in person well it you know it it's it hasn't happened to me all that much i mean i've had a couple of guys that like meet and greets go Wow, you do look like Kevin James. I'm like, oh, great. He gets a lot of people mistaken for Robert Downey Jr. or Vince Vaughn. And he's like, I mean, I'm just trying to be a regular dude. I'm just trying to be a regular guy. It's rough. Yeah, it's rough. They're like, they meet me and they're like, oh my gosh, I loved you on Taxi when you played. And I also loved you as the Penguin in Batman. But no, people will say weird, weird stuff to you out there. But you know what, man?
But how many other times have people been like, hey, dude, love your show. Love what you do. You're rad. Thanks for doing what you do. That's the majority of it. That's the majority. But even if you weren't on the Mikey show, it's just a social nicety. Just smile. You don't even have to give it a high. We're going to practice today because you're going with me to the Apple store. And we're going to practice. Just say hi to it. We're going to practice. I'm going to take audio. I just got weird feelings in my stomach. Well, you can't just go around saying hi to everyone in the store. No, no. We're going to. I'm going to make him. See, that's weird. I'm going to make him go, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. It's more like, okay, if there's a big social gathering, it's like we all get it. We're all here together. Hi. But if you pass one-on-one, it's like, oh, hey, fancy meeting you here. Let's see. M1 Ron from El Cajon. Yeah. Hey, you know, it may make you feel uncomfortable for us, but it may actually make somebody's day. For sure. I agree. Maybe it will. And I will say this. If someone says hi to me, I say hi back. Yes. You're not a monster. Yeah. I'm not like, you know, get out of here. Right. But I say hi back, but I'm afraid to say hi to people. I'm afraid to like, I remember one time getting off of a Greyhound bus in Los Angeles when I was 11 or 12 to go visit my brother. And there was this crazy woman that was like talking to me and talking to herself and talking to me and talking to herself. And my brother finally came and got me.
picked me up there. And I'll never forget this phrase. He goes, I have another quaalude, Annie. I'll never forget him saying that. I'll never forget him saying that. Brilliant. I think that was the beginning of some fear of people. Well, dude, I see what you're saying. But, like, I'm going to tell you this buddy to buddy. I mentioned to Mike the other day that I probably curse too much. And I have a son on the way. And I don't want to be the foul-mouthed dad. I'm sure I will be. But I don't want to be. Mike goes, try to not curse for one hour. Just try. Every time you want to curse, swallow it. And I was like, oh, piece of cake. Five minutes later, I'm. You know, MF and the whole thing. And I'm like, dude, that's really hard. But I've been practicing. I've been practicing. It's the same thing. Just practice. Okay, fine. I'm going to practice saying a load of people. And you will make someone's day. I'll tell you what. I went to the Elfin Forest last weekend. Makes me nervous. I went hiking. Went up the trail. And I was saying like.
You know, I went with Matt and I was like, nobody's saying hi to each other. We're just going to pretend like we're not in this together. So I said, I'm going to say hi to every single person that's coming down. And some of the people were like, and didn't say anything back to me. But some of the people. I do Lorne from the Mikey Show. I hate that program more than anything. Are you the person that destroyed my radio station? I just think they were like. In your frame of mind, like, why are you bothering me? Like, oh, I'm just trying to have a hike, and now you've ruined the next 20 minutes. But a lot of people, their entire face would light up, and they'd go, hi. They're not expecting it. Yeah, they're like, oh, hi, how you doing? Yeah, they're like, do you need a roommate? No. They're going to go down the mountain, and they're going to say hi to the next person. Can I wear your skin? Yeah, can I make your skin into a hat? You guys. Yeah, can I use your skin as a lampshade? Can you help me get this couch into my van? Yeah. Oh, hey, Lerder. It's nice to see you here. Just regular people, including other females. Yeah, the guy's just walking down the mountain with a cast. It's really nice of you to say hi to me. I have this couch I want to put in my van. And I obviously... If you could just... 570-194-9. M1 Eat It from Scripps Ranch. What's up? Hello. I just wanted to say that...
For a long time, I was pretty self-conscious about saying hi to people. And I realized it probably had a lot more to do with how comfortable I was in my own skin. I noticed that actually when we were sending one of our kids to a private school, there were a lot of wealthy people. And so I would walk in and kind of go, oh, my, you know, kind of put my head down and not really, you know. And I realized that that had a lot more to do with me than it did. with them and maybe some of them might have wanted to be my friends. I mean, maybe some wouldn't, but... Ironically, ironically, eat it. This is the most... It is eat it. It's eat it. Yeah. Ironically, this is the most comfortable I've ever been in my skin my entire life. Yeah. I mean, and I'm saying over the past few years, it's a... It really is... a kind of fear of people, of strangers. That's what it is. And that's the other thing, too. You know, you ever thought of this? Like, we spend our entire childhood being told, don't talk to strangers. Then we get to be adults, and suddenly it's like, why are you not talking to strangers? Well, a kid would just walk off with an adult. No, I understand. You're not going to walk off with somebody. I've been... I'm telling you...
TSU anymore for you. They're not going to snatch you. That's not what we tell our children. We tell our kids, if you're with us, we want you to engage and talk to strangers. If they're with us, that's one of the Jasper sayings. He would always just look at us. I was like, no, no, you have to communicate with these people because that's what you're going to do later on in life. I'm nervous talking to strangers. Well, we'll practice. All practice makes perfect. Just go to the library and just start talking. We should. I went back to the East Coast with Matt to his little hometown. Yeah, no, in Virginia. And so we met a couple of his friends, and this one girl's giving me the stink eye. And I was like, we walk away, I go, what was up with stink eye? And he's like, what do you mean, Brooke? And I'm like, yeah, she's giving me the stink eye. And he's like, oh, I didn't even notice. So he asked one of his friends, like, yeah, Brooke, does she have some kind of beef with me from high school? He's like, no, I think she's just painfully shy. But she came off as like a snotty person giving me the stink eye. Yeah, and that's a deal.
I know that there are people who probably think that that's my bit. It isn't. Just shy. I think I have a thing of fear of strangers. We'll help you. I'm afraid that they may say something. You know what? I have the same fear of children. Really? Mm-hmm. Because children will just say stuff. Yeah. So I have the same fear. What are you afraid they're going to say about you? You're short and fat. Yeah. Really? Thank you. Thank you, little girl. I remember when my niece was like four years old. Most embarrassing things that ever happened in my life. My friend Jessica came over. She sat on Jessica's lap and goes, you have a big nose. Kids say the darndest things. They sure do. They sure do. Holy cow. You're right back. You know what happens? No, I'll tell you what it is. is that you guys know me, I get a little OCD-ish. No. No. And if I want to hear something specific at that moment, I won't give it up. No. Say bye, Mikey. Bye-bye. What's the song by Maroon 5 that goes, I don't mind playing every day. She will be loved. You will be loved. That's right. That's it. Now I'm fine. Now I feel fine. Cool.
Woodsy's not a fan, huh? Not really. Yuck. Not really. You don't like it? Oh, no. Didn't you like R&B when you were growing up or anything? No. R&B? Yeah. That's the influence. Really? Yeah. That's it. I mean, this song I don't mind too much, but everything else I've done, I hate. Yeah, this song's not bad. Love it. Sounds like he's whining. See, I think of whining like, eh. That's what it sounds like. I don't mind when the covering rain. Well, that's a little sharp. Speaking of R&B, guess who is going to play Aretha Franklin in a movie that's coming out? Well, when I tell you, I'm just going to go ahead and tell you. It's Halle Berry. Okay? It's Halle Berry. That surprises me. Well, she better start eating some pizzas because Halle Berry is a very skinny, attractive young lady, and Aretha Franklin.
Great voice. Not skinny or attractive, really. Well... Well, I mean, I'm just going to call it like it is. You know, that's what I do. I'm just going to tell you. And I think in her heyday, she was not as big as she was. Fat. L-O-B. Fat. She's a big lady. Eye of the beholder. Yeah, exactly. No. Eye of the sighted person. No. Some people may be very attracted to Aretha Franklin. Yeah. Really? I think. But Halle Berry. Oh, this is going to be cool, man. Terrence Howard is going to be playing Smokey Robinson. So it's probably going to be an older, like back in the day when she first started out. And Denzel Washington may be in it as well. Hello, boo. How many people in the room are familiar with the eight-year-old whose microphone cut off? Anybody? Anybody familiar with this? A couple people. All right. Well, it's making news. All right. It's become a viral video and heard about it yesterday. Passed on it. Came back today. I'm like, is this thing big? And like, I'm missing the boat. Woods ruined it for me. Otherwise, I would have really understood it. But Sienna said, you have to see this. You have to see this. Oh, my God. I almost cried. Did you get the video I sent you? And I go, what is it? She goes.
Oh, my God, I almost cried. I watched the video, and I was like, oh, my gosh. And Woods goes, it's not that great. I said it's very underwhelming. Well, then I heard an interview with her on NPR. Weird. Weird. And she really annoyed me. The eight-year-old? Yes. Oh, wow. Well, here's the thing. I thought it was about her singing. I thought it was like, oh, she's this eight-year-old really great singer. That's not what the story is at all. It's a story of, I guess at its best, it's a story of, wow, the community picking someone up when they fail or when they fall or whatever, which is sweet. I bet the people in that audience, they say hi to each other when they pass each other on the trail kind of thing. We're in a hallway. We're in a hallway. Workplace. I think I just got got. You did. Well, what happens is she's singing the national anthem and her mic cuts out and the audience kind of helps her out. That's an eight-year-old. That's very good. Monster. Yeah. Monster. Monster. One female, some drunk lady. You little idiot. Look at that midget. Man, that lady's eight years old. What's your monster?
They picked up for her. Yeah. Solid. What I got annoyed with her on NPR, they let her finish it. She was all cute and everything up until that point. But yeah. She actually had to finish it. They let her finish it and the lady was like, now can you just continue on or do you need to do a warm up? And she was like, ah, I need to, can I get my pitch pipe? And she was like, and then was like, oh, see. She used a pitch pipe. Really with the pitch pipe. She's eight. With the pitch pipe. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I guess. The pitch pipe. That is pretty. Yeah. Come on. Over the top. I just was. You know me, man. I'm a giant Sally. If that had been, you know, a dog singing the National Anthem, I probably would have cried. But I was like, wow, that's so underwhelming. You. For what I thought. He's a liar. I'm not lying. No, I believe he's... He would have been one of the first people to stand up and go, all right, let's finish this. Oh, yeah, if I was there. But when I heard it, I go... He didn't think it was... He wasn't touched. I wasn't touched at all. Because I think you think you would do the same thing. Yeah, I mean, for me, I guess that's a great... That's exactly why. Yeah, that's it. You're like, well, what are you supposed to do? What are you supposed to do? He just smacked me for not having my hand across my head. Put your hand over your heart when you hear the national anthem.
I mean, you're from Guam. I was born in Guam. My dad was in the Navy. I'm not Guamanian. You're not really allowed to put your hand. I'm American. I'm born on a naval base. What is the matter with you? What, with him? I know. Oh, me? What do you mean? How about this? I haven't given you this yet. If you're in college, what do you think about something called threat assessment teams? Chances I don't have a problem with it, and Woods does. No, I don't. Chances some people pee and moan about it, though. We'll see. Oh, my God. Let's make some noise in here. Thank you to Hash House of Go-Go. Such delicious food. Oh, gosh. If you want to have breakfast there, especially on the weekends, my advice is get there early. It's a very popular spot, and it is...
Delicious food. That's why it's so popular. And it's Hash House of Go-Go. They're located on Fifth Avenue. And they call it Twisted Farm Food. And it's delicious. It's so, so, so good. HashHouseofGoGo.com. It's one of my favorite places. It's a must-eat place. If you've never been there, you've got to go there. You have to try it. You have to experience it. And it's just really good. Don't forget the biscuits. Oh, my gosh. They're so good. Tonight's 8 o'clock album is Howlin' Wolf, Moaning in the Moonlight. Okay, so tell me what this is, Woods. If you're in college, what is threat assessment teams? Well, there have been a lot of – this is all based on – this story came out because of Jared Loeffner, the Arizona shooter. There were some warning signs about this guy that went unnoticed. Now, what they're doing at some colleges are having what they call threat assessment teams. What that is is they keep their eyes on creepy dudes. Well, he got kicked out of his community college because of his behavior. Pima Community College. So in two states, Virginia and Illinois, legally require teams and 80% of colleges have started them since 2007 to have these things. Now, remember the Virginia Tech shooting? 32 people died.
I'm all in favor of these things, man. If there's a group sitting in a campus building going, okay, I think that guy Steve Woods is a creep. We're going to follow him around. They find nothing's wrong with me. If I didn't do anything wrong, I'm good. But if I'm a creep building bombs in my dorm room, I send my kid there. I want to know they're being taken care of. And they don't have time to just follow everybody around if you display some creepy signs. Like if you have your toes painted different colors. That's right. For one. This is Jared Loeffner's ex-girlfriend. And she was talking about him on the CBS early morning show. When you and Jared dated, and this was a few years ago, what was he like at that point? It seems everybody paints a very different picture from the Jared Loeffner who's emerging right now in the media. Yeah. Six years ago we dated, and back then he was completely different of a person. Very caring, very sweet, a gentle, kind, you know, a little bit quiet, but altogether a pretty great guy. Did you ever see anything in Jared that gave you pause? Did you ever have any sort of violent tendencies? Absolutely not, no. The Jared that I used to know is...
Completely changed from what the world sees him now as. You know, I would never have ever expected him to become what he has. I think anybody could. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. Can a veggie-rich diet make you more beautiful? I don't know. You ever just throw stories at me and I don't know what's coming? Yes. What do you think, Woods? You prepared? Yes. What do you got? The answer, Mike, to your question? Yes. It's yes. Thank you. That comes to you from the Associated Press, ladies and gentlemen. Vegetables equal good. What's next? Wow. What's your favorite veggie, Woodsy? Potatoes. Oh, boy. What? Does that count? Okay. My favorite vegetable is lettuce. What kind of lettuce? Iceberg. Oh. You just look down your nose at me like. You idiot. He just likes the taste of water in his mouth. Yes. Only a hillbilly would eat iceberg lettuce. I like romaine. I like cauliflower, fried. What? That's weird. Fried? Yeah, like deep, battered cauliflower. Oh, Mikey. You said they make mashed potatoes, but mashed cauliflower. Yeah, it tastes like mashed potatoes. I want to taste those. It's good. What's your favorite, Mike?
Oh, that is your favorite vegetable? Uh-huh. All right, what's your favorite vegetable that's not fried in batter? You don't like any raw vegetables? Do you like celery? No. Oh, I love celery. It's crunchy water. You guys don't like cucumbers, right? That's repugnant. Cucumbers are my fave. Cucumbers, I've honestly had this thought. I've thought, when I go to heaven, I meet God. I want to go, what was the deal with cucumbers? You just look at me and go, Why the cucumber? See, that's how I feel about cantaloupe. Yes. I love cantaloupe. I can eat a trough of cantaloupe. Cantaloupe and honeydew? I'm like, really? Yeah. Watermelon is fine with me. Terrible. Terrible fruits and vegetables. You like cantaloupe? I love it. I love all melons. Yeah. Oh, of course. What? I'd love melon. I know. I love them. Oh, boy. Let's see. Anything else? Yeah, throw some more at me. See how I do. How about this one? Drunken cowboys arrested on a horse and mule. Yep. Thanks, Woods. There were some cowboys. Arrested. They got drunk at, I think it was in Austin. Oh, yeah, it was in Austin. See? They arrested two men on charges of drunken driving, but they were riding on 6th Street, which is a real...
Real big crazy party thing, but they were on a mule and on a horse. So fascinating. A horse and buggy or just a horse? No, a mule and a horse are riding down the street. Are you sure it wasn't a horse and buggy? I'm sure it was a mule and a horse. What did I just say? Who's the newsman? I want to go on a horse and buggy ride. I want to go on a horse and buggy ride. A horse and buggy ride. A horse and buggy ride. A horse and buggy ride. My horse and buggy ride. Do you like this one? No. Shaky his voice. Riding on my horse. Riding on my horse. Riding on my horse. Riding on my horse. You guys ever smoke pot and write stupid songs? Good God. I love it. Horse and buggy ride. Horse and buggy ride. Horse and buggy ride.
So dumb. 570-1949 is our number. You can call us at the beginning and end of any show and whatever you want. You can talk about what you got going on on the weekend. Anybody doing anything this weekend that they want to promote? Anybody got any? No, sir. Not this weekend. You got a baseball game? No, I'm very excited, though, because I'm now the head coach of a Little League team in Encinitas, the Encinitas National Little League. Look at you. I'm the head coach of the Braves. doked as I've ever been and I have player evaluations tomorrow. So if you're a parent of one of those players and you see the kids in there, come up and say hi. Let's talk to you. That's nice. You got anything going on? I'm all good. There you go. End of the show on Friday. I give you my story. I tell you my testimony and tell you about where I have been and where I am now and what's happening in my life. And I do that because I realize that there are Some people that are listening that may share my experience and get something out of it. And because in my life, there have been times in my life where I have felt hopeless. And so I tell you my story so that maybe you can feel hopeful. My entire life, I have felt ugly. My entire life, I have felt less than everybody else. There have been times in my life where I have experienced immense loneliness.
Even when no one knew. And I've also been addicted to just about everything you can be addicted to. And I used to be really, really, really mean and angry. Anybody ever said to you, man, you're just an angry person. Anger is hurt, sadness, and fear. And so if anybody's ever said to you that you're an angry person, it's probably because somewhere in your life, you have a tremendous amount of hurt, sadness, and fear. In my late 20s, I was doing a lot of cocaine, methamphetamine, and I was drinking a lot. I was a person that I was humiliated for my parents to know because my parents were decent people. My parents are decent people. So when I would look at myself in the mirror, I would think, gosh, what if my dad or my mom saw me right now? What would they think of who I am? Have you ever felt like that?
Have you ever felt hopeless? In 2003, I was completely addicted to alcohol. I was addicted to alcohol to the point that I knew I was going to die. And I was laying in bed and out of desperation because I knew I had, I was at the end of my, I was at the end of my rope. I asked Jesus Christ to come into my life and it didn't solve everything. Didn't solve all my problems. They didn't all just wash away. But they changed me. It changed me into a different person. They changed me into a different person. I didn't have very much patience then. And now I can tell you that I experience love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness. And my life is different. I have a family. I have a four-year-old son.
I have twins that are a year old. I have a reformed relationship with my dad. I don't have to pull the drapes anymore and turn off the ringer, take pills to go to sleep with alcohol on top of it. I'm a different person today than I was then. If you feel hopeless or if you feel any of those things that I've described, go to MikeyShow.com. At the top of the page is the word help. Click on that word. It'll give you a whole page of resources that you can go to to get help. But the biggest thing that I can tell you is that I was once desperate, and I was once hopeless, and I no longer am, and it's because God entered my life and changed me. It's my story. Nobody can take the story from me. I play this song at the end of the show on Friday because it's a song about hope, and hopefully you can find hope in it, especially if you're hopeless.
Lovely and talented Hillary is up next, and we will see you again on Monday. The Mikey Show is out.