The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 01/20/11
Thursday, January 20, 2011
American Idol singingcelebrity roastspostpartum insomniascience experimentslistener written musicschool lunchesparenting disagreementsmovie scene improvisationradiocomedyamerican idolricky gervais
Mikey, Woods, Lauren O'Brien and Jay argued over American Idol singers who over-style songs, while Ricky Gervais defended roasting celebrities instead of flattering them. They explained that Sienna missed work after nearly three sleepless days, with callers connecting her insomnia to postpartum anxiety and separation from her baby. Jay lit a pickle with an extension cord and nails, Woods played the listener-written Dio song, and Jay later discovered that the skin-tight shirt he wore belonged to his son Jasper. A school-lunch nostalgia bit moved from leaky thermoses and grim cafeteria food to the homemade fishing-trip burritos made by Mikey's mother. The longest argument came after Rebecca broke Jake's crayons: Mikey wanted an exact replacement, while Woods, Lauren and Jay emphasized gratitude and a unified parental front; later the group improvised violent movie scenes to a song.
What happened, in order
Just Sing It Straight
Woods mocked American Idol contestants for smothering familiar songs in breathy vibrato, while Lauren O'Brien argued that the judges expect singers to add their own style.
Gervais Defends the Roast
Ricky Gervais defended his harsh Golden Globes jokes by saying the industry hired an outsider to roast its stars, not to flatter them.
Why Sienna Was Out
Mikey explained that Sienna had missed work after nearly three days without sleep, prompting a serious discussion with callers about postpartum anxiety, depression and separation from her baby.
The Electric Pickle
Wearing a lab coat, Jay pushed wired nails into a pickle and plugged it into an outlet, making it glow, hiss and smell burned while everyone backed away.
The M1 Dio Song
Woods performed a full faux-Dio anthem on electric guitar using mythical lyrics assembled line by line by listeners on Facebook.
Dork Lunches
The hosts and callers traded school-lunch memories about leaky thermoses, banana-flavored sandwiches, cafeteria vegetables and the homemade chorizo breakfast burritos Mikey's mother packed for fishing trips.
Jay's Tiny Shirt
After everyone ridiculed Jay's impossibly tight shirt, Kim texted to reveal that he had accidentally worn a new shirt belonging to his seven-year-old son Jasper.
The Crayon Court
Mikey argued that Rebecca should replace the exact crayons she broke, while Woods, Lauren and Jay said Jake needed perspective and his parents needed to present a unified front.
TomTom Tunes
A deadpan navigation-device voice read lyrics to Black Hole Sun, The Thong Song and Hey There Delilah while callers raced to identify them.
Movies in Their Heads
While listening to a song, the group improvised increasingly cinematic scenes involving a cocaine smuggler, a donkey-masked robber and a deadly gun spin in a 1988 Los Angeles condominium.
People mentioned
MikeyWoodsLauren O'BrienJaySiennaRicky GervaisRebeccaJakeKimJasperJennifer LopezSteven Tyler
27,292 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
What do you think? It's been a while. We haven't heard it for a while. You can hear it every day. First time we've heard it in 2011, so we had to go for it. It's true. Asbestos flagon. Sounds like a poisonous dessert. Asbestos flagon? Delicious. Upon doing a DNA test, they found asbestos flagon had been left in portions of it. Chance is he singing to another young Asian man. Pretty good. 50-50? Yeah. Wrestle me around. I think you said lessle. What does that mean? Lessle me around. Welcome to the program, everybody. It's Mikey's show, and it's Thursday, and we're ready to do this thing, man. 570-1949 is the number. Call us. Say hi. We want to talk to you.
And Sienna's not here today. In fact, we're going to talk about it at 7 o'clock because she said it's okay to talk about. Oh, she did? Yeah. Good. She said it's okay to talk about. So we will talk about why Sienna's not here today, and we'll even ask you for your input and see if you have any thoughts on it. Here's the deal. We will be doing the Dio song at 7.30. Yesterday, we were asking listeners to go to our Facebook page and write a lyric, and we just had a thread. Guys are clowns. Going on and on and on and on and on, and it was just this gigantic Dio song that was written by M1s, and Woods is going to perform it today. I worked on this SOB for about an hour and a half yesterday. That's rad. Trying to piece it all together, and of course, in our audience, there are... A few clowns. A few? That liked to, they were trying to throw bits in there, and I didn't want bits. I wanted good, solid, mythical lyrics about dragons and scorpions and things like that. Theo type stuff. Sure. So it took me forever. And I'm going to play it on my Fender Stratocaster for you. Real good electric style. That's great. It's going to be awesome. So that's coming up in a little bit. Get ready for that.
I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. That's Lauren O'Brien, otherwise known as L-O-B. Sienna's not here. We'll explain why in a little bit. Jay is our producer. He is 47 years of age. And our phone screener today is Chris. Let's see. So give us a call. We do want to talk to you. We would love to talk to you. Yeah. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. These are just drop battles real good. He's here. He's in the house tonight. There's Jay. We're going to do a new segment with Jay today. Oh, gosh. Jay's going to do science experiments. Oh, I like that one. Yeah, we're doing two. Yeah.
New things with Jay today. One of them he likes, one of them he doesn't. He likes the science experiment one. That one's going to be fun. I can't wait to see this stuff. I practiced last night just to make sure I hit it down. I'm sure. Jasper was like, wow. So we're going to do that. And then the other thing we're going to do is we're going to give Jay some words and see if he can pronounce them. He's got a little bit of a tough time. Yes. Sometimes. I don't know what you're talking about. No, he does. Well, we could run down the list for you if you like. He does. Like, for instance, he pronounces the word prenup, prenub. Prenub. Yeah. Alzheimer's disease. Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's. Roof is ruff. Ruff. Ruff, yeah. So, you know. Let's get real rough on you guys. He's good. That's an issue that he has. Woods is wood. Wood. Wood. Unbelievable. So anyway, we will. He doesn't know what these things are. We're going to give him these little phrases and he's going to have to read them. Great. I accidentally sent him one. I know. I deleted it. Did you? Dang it. Tom Tom Tunes at 830.
Word of the day is scrumptious. So when you hear us say scrumptious between now and 10, caller number nine gets dinner for two at Pampa Moose, as Jay calls. It's actually pronounced Pample Moose, but Jay says Pampa Moose, and that'll be for the 26, 6 o'clock at night, and you've got to pay for booze and gratuity. We'll also give you Oza Motley tickets. There's a few things going on in the world. Last night was the premiere of American Idol with Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, and they even revamped the theme music. Oh, boy. It was good. Yeah. Really? Let's see. Oh, wow. You ever just panic? Ever just what? You ever just panic and start changing stuff? Change everything? Just freaking out? It's been 10 years. Has it really? Yeah. That's what they kept saying. I can't believe it either. Wow. It's amazing, 10 years. Yeah. That show's just produced so many stars, man. It has. Solid gold. It has produced a lot of stars. Yeah, Kelly and Carrie, real good. Kelly Clarkson. Carrie Underwood. Carrie Underwood. Oh, yeah. Clay Aiken has sold a gajillion records. He has, actually. He's a non-issue. I wouldn't buy it. He's a non-issue these days. In your life. In everybody's life. In my life. In LAB's life. Ruben stuttered. Weak. Yeah, the truth is, though.
The guy has sold millions of records. Adam Lambert. Adam Lambert. Daughtry. Daughtry. An Oscar winner. Who? Oh. She was in Chicago. Oh, yeah. Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Hudson. Sorry, bro. She's a superstar now. When's the last time Clay Aiken put out a record and how many did it sell? Yeah. Not much. Let's see. I'm telling you. Well, it's not all going to stick. He's actually. Listen. He ain't my cup of tea. He ain't your cup of tea. I can't tell you. That's actually not true. He had a song called Invisible, and the only reason I know it is because we used to play it and make fun of it. How many do you think, Woods? I don't know. I'm talking recent. I'm not talking about when the first Taste came out and everyone was all up on him. I bet he had a release in 2009. That was terrible. I bet he did. How many records do you think the guy has sold? The guy sold millions of records, I'm sure. No, you weren't sure. You were like, eh. He's a non-issue these days, is what I'm saying, as are most of those people, except for Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson. He's no Steven Tyler. That's true. Yeah, American Idol has produced a lot of stars. Last night they said that Steven Tyler has sold 150 million records. Yet he sits on them.
Freaking judge's table of American Idol. Yeah. Unbelievable. He was kind of clownish to me last night. Whoa! Yeah! Really? Beaten and playing along with them. I knew it. It was kind of sad to watch. And they all are so nice. They are? They're all so nice. I thought Randy Jackson was supposed to be the mean judge. No, they're just nice. There's no direction. It's just not fun. I didn't like it. Well, here is... Yoji Pop singing Party in the USA. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh, wow. Did he fall? I think so. He's getting really into the dancing. Oh, my God. Funny. I think it might be safe to say that Woods likes that version better than the original. Yes. That's great. Could be. Could be. Let's hear somebody else do Midnight Train to Georgia. Beautiful song. Oh, hot mic. To Georgia. What do I know? Not bad. Definitely not bad. Not bad. I thought the hoo-hoo was a little too much. A little over the top. Let's see. This is Endless Love. Great song. I love that song. Great song. Oh, beautiful.
No, no, you forgot the lyrics. They hate that, by the way. Oh, do they? Your little pitchy dog. I think that was beautiful. That was great. If you forget the lyrics, they think you're a douche. Really? Yeah, they're like, how do you do this? How do you come on something like this you don't know the words? Why would you do that? I don't care. And Simon would be like, I don't care how good your voice is. What kind of a dope shows up here and doesn't know the words to a song on a national television show? They know it, though. You just forget it. I've been over it a hundred times. Sometimes they say that. Sometimes they try that. That happened with you, Mike, when we did our anniversary. That happened with me, too. That's right. I forgot all the words. You forgot the words to Santa Baby, didn't you? Yeah, I forgot the words to Santa Baby. I wouldn't try it out for American Idol. Yeah, but sometimes the bigger... The more at stake, the more nervous you get, the more likely to forget. That's true. The power of love. Celine Dion. I was thinking Huey Lewis. She loses some points for picking a Celine Dion song. But other than that, it's not bad, I guess. Pretty voice.
Okay. Sounds like somebody said, yeah. Wow. I'm so happy you sang that. You proved to me that you can really sing your tushle off. Tiffany, you have a really good voice. Yeah, work on that. You want to see that, okay? I know you're crazy and you're going to do your thing and you want to shake it up. But you want to be taken seriously, too. I think if I had been a judge, I may have said, it sounds to me. like I am in a dormitory and it's shower time. And I'm walking by and I'm going, hey, can somebody tell her to be quiet in the shower? I know she thinks she's got a great voice in the shower, but can you tell her to just stop? Hey, Melissa!
Melissa! Will you pass me the shampoo? No? Melissa! In the shower, dude. That sounds like to me. That's funny. Yeah. That's definitely one of those songs you get after in the shower. Yeah. Not me, but some people maybe. Come on. Some people maybe. Mm-hmm. The whisper in the water. I get so mad at people that, because I can't sing, people that can sing and then they pick a song like that. You're wasting it. Yeah, wasting talent. Let's hear another guy. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far. What is your problem? He's got a nice tone. They try to gay up every song now, dude. That's a great song. Just sing it normal. You don't have to sing a song like... That's his voice, though. It's a guy's voice. They have every song they come out and they're like, give me a song. Give me like a popular song that I would know. Okay. Okay. I get by with a little help from my friends. I don't know the lyrics, but let's say Pearl Jam Black. He wouldn't do Pearl Jam Black. No, no, but I'm saying, but it's... He would never do Pearl Jam Black. How about Endless Love?
Everybody has to do the vibrato and the... You know what they're doing? They're taking a pop song yesterday, which was a pop song, and they're singing it with their own voice. They wouldn't do Pearl Jam. Oh, give me another one. Another pop song? Yeah, give me another pop song. Well, LLB said Endless Love. Endless Love? There's only you in my life. The only thing that's right here. Not bad. Crap. Garbage. Just sing it. Sing it normal. Sing it normal. You don't have to do that. Get your butt on that show. You don't have to do that. That's what drives me. There's only you in my life. The only thing that's right. Right. Just sing. My love, there's only you in my life. That's it. That's how you sing it. That's how you sing. That's how you sing. That's how everybody sings. They do. They add that exasperated. It's like when you hear the person that does the national anthem. Oh, say.
Can you see? It drives me. I'm already in. It makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. I'm already in. I'm like, just sing it. You just did that. I was like, ooh, that's nice. Drives me batty. Well, apparently, a lot of people like that style. That's the bit, man. That is the bit now. And that's what drives me. Yeah, that's what drives me nuts. It's a two minute song and they drag out to seven minutes. What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming. I like the guy that comes out and just goes, oh say can you see but not there. That's perfect. We're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. We got a year of this. We're going to be doing this. He's got a nice tone and he's so breathless. I have to stick up for him, though, because one thing that they hate is if you sing the song exactly like the way it's sung. And they discourage you from picking songs that you really love and know inside and out because you'll just tend to imitate. You've got to step outside your comfort zone. They do tell you, they're like, put your own style into it.
By your own style, everybody else's style these days. Here's the thing, though. Unless your name is Axl Rose. Right. And people will say that Axl Rose may have been ripping off Bon Scott. Could be. But since the beginning of time, everybody's ripped off everybody. Yeah. In fact, whenever I hear Tom Petty, all I hear is Bob Dylan. And people go, Tom Petty's great. Guess what? There's nothing original under the sun. You know? When I sing, that's what comes out. But I don't think that sounds that great. So I'd like to make it sound better. So I'll go, and then somebody will go, you're ripping someone off. Your first one sounded better. A million boxes of shit. I don't know where that came from. I don't either. What was that? I hit the wrong button. A million boxes of what? I don't know. A million boxes. Welcome. My name is, oh, sorry. I'm Michael, and I'll be singing Proud Mary by Ike and Tina Turner. Left a good job in the city.
You can't just scream. In his head. Oh, I know. In his head, he's like, that is dead on. Dead on. Shake it. Easy J-Lo. Thank you. You're welcome. I don't know if it's thank you from me, but did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child? You ever just steal lines from Tommy Boy real good, Steve? Is that from Tommy Boy? Of course it is. I think that might have been Randy, though. Oh, is that Randy? I don't know. It was Steve Tyler. I stole it.
That guy did Toys in the Attic, and look at him now. He wrote Dream On when he was 16. One of the greatest songs ever written. Look at him now. It's a shame. Well, you're talking about it like the guy's in a motel somewhere. I'd rather him be in a motel, which is more fit with Steven Tyler. Now the dude looks like a lady, so it's like, what are you supposed to do with that? What are you doing, make love in an elevator? Back in the saddle, I guess. I don't watch American Idol, but I get it. I get it. I definitely get it. My wife last night, my wife Jamie begged me to watch it. Begged. And she was like, dear, I never get to watch it. Please let me watch it. And I said, no. Absolutely. All the kids showed up at the house. So we turned it on. Maddie came over. Everybody but Finn. I'm going to start taping it. Are you? Hey. Nice outfit. Oh, thank you. I like that you dressed up for the occasion. This is cool. Fishing? What? Nothing. It kind of looks like Camp American Idol in New Jersey. I like this. I was a Boy Scout, so it is a little camp. Yeah. So, Chris, you're 18, and you're from North Arlington, New Jersey, right? Yeah, it's a small town in New Jersey. You think you can be the next American Idol? Yeah, I definitely think so. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. There is no doubt. You're talking about doubt? Say no more. Say no more. What are you going to sing? My Way by Frank Sinatra. Was he ready for this?
Yeah. Yes. And now the end is near. Yes, it is. And so I face that final curtain. My friends, oh, I'll say clear. All right. Oh, come on now. Chris, I just got to tell you. Yeah. You know, you came in here looking like that and you got. You're those bangs in the hat, and I just... And you do that song, and it just kind of... I thought you were going to knock us over with it. Can I just do the chorus of My Way, just? Because I really want it down with that. Do the chorus of My Way, go ahead. To say the things he truly feels are not the words of one who kneels. Mikey, in a bar in Brooklyn, that kills. At 1.30 a.m., the whole place rips up an applause. Guaranteed. That's great. Maybe not Brooklyn. Maybe Hoboken. Yeah. Well, anyway, it's back with a new cast. There you go.
Let's see. San Diego State hoops. Yes. They are hotter than a $2 pistol. They are. Man, they are 20-0. 5-0 in their conference. They won again last night, 68-55 over Air Force. DJ. Okay. Scored 20 points, and Billy White had 10 of his 12 during a decisive 13-3 run. They are number six in the country. They're probably going to go up now. Got a big game next week against ninth-ranked BYU next Wednesday night. Oh, my. Solid, dude. Ricky Gervais fighting butt. A lot of people upset him, saying he crossed the line when he hosted the Golden Globes. And so he had a bit of word to say about it last night. He went on a piece moving. And he talked about it. And we're going to let you know what he said. Woodsy's doing his Dio song at 7.30. M1s have basically written this song by going to Facebook.com slash Mikey Show and add it on to the lyrics. Everybody's writing a line. And it's pretty awesome. So make sure you're listening at 7.30 to be able to hear that. Also.
We're going to be doing Tom Tom tunes at 830. Word of the day is scrumptious. And got to update you on the Amber Alert. If you've been driving up and down the freeways and you've been seeing this Amber Alert, yesterday was the first day we saw it. It was up all day and it's still up right now. And what's the story, Woods? Well, I don't know why it's still up, you know, because they have found. Somebody had spotted the car. It's a silver Toyota Corolla. They spotted it driving into a canal up in Patterson, California. And they now know who it belongs to and who possibly was in it. It belongs to a gentleman. Where the hell is his name? Woods is having to fill in today. Oh, here he is. Jose Esteban Rodriguez. Woods is filling in for Sienna today. Yeah, it's just great. I'm so good at the news. Yeah, like Tom Brokaw. So he saw this Toyota, this witness saw this Toyota drive into a canal that belongs to Jose Esteban Rodriguez. The person that they think and hope was not in the back seat, but this is the kid that got taken, was a little boy. His name is Giuliani. He's three feet, six inches tall.
Toyota drive into a canal looked just like the one they were looking for. So they're trying to fish this Toyota out of the canal. And they have given up until today, 10 a.m. today. They're going to restart. They made a few attempts. They pulled up a big piece of concrete. They pulled up a couple of other things. Did not pull up that Toyota, but a witness did see it drive into the canal. Very, very sad. And you just hope that they weren't in it. Is the Tijuana sewage spill... Not as bad as people thought it was. Yeah, that's what they're saying. They from they.com are saying that the environmentalists were saying it's about 1.3 million gallons a day, which is 57,000 gallons an hour of doo-doo and sewage. Now, Baja California authorities are saying that it's only flowing that much at peak periods, at most five hours a day. It's no big deal. Yeah, you know what? Let's go tuna fishing. Yeah. Let's just surf. Let's go get some Dorado. Yeah, I don't know what that is, but do you want to go paddleboarding? Yeah, for sure. It's only reached Coronado. Oh, perfect. Yeah, I know, but when you go fishing, when you go deep sea fishing, that's where you go, man. Question. You go out there. Jay, you may know this. You know, remember when you were in elementary school and there would be a, well, you know. Do you guys remember when you were in elementary school and a kid used to vomit and they used to put that sawdust on top of it? Yeah. What do they do in the ocean? Same bit?
I don't know. How do they get it out? They don't. I think they just wait for the currents to take it away. Yeah. Even on boats, they have this thing. It's a grinder, and you dump it at sea. A lot of boats dump it at sea. I guess you have to, don't you? It grinds it up real small, everything, and then lets it out in a big cloud. I wonder how much. I've only been here a year, and I've been surfing 40 times since I've been here. 30, 40 times. I wonder how much poop I'm eating. A lot. Ingested? No. Probably have. Probably a lot. Isn't it impossible that he hasn't? No. I mean, the water really breaks it down. Yeah. Perfect. You're fine. Yeah, you're fine. Where does it go? Don't go out after. It dissolves. It breaks down a little. Where does it go? Where does it go? With the poo. Where does it go? The fish poo. Yeah, it's true, but different. Everybody does. That's a delicacy, LLB. Some countries. Yup. I don't know where you're eating, but... So Ricky Gervais is, you know, talking about his deal with going on the Golden Globes, and everybody thinks he went too far, that he was over the line. They hired me for a job, and if they didn't want me, they shouldn't have hired me. Someone asked me, you know, what do you think? As a fellow Brit on TV in America, what do you think of what happened with Ricky? I said, well, it's a bit like inviting a hammerhead shark to dinner.
And then when he eats all the guests, you start complaining. You kind of know what you're going to get. That's one thing. But also, as I said, I don't think I did anything wrong. I honestly, you know, those were like jibes at these people. And I'm sure they've got a sense of humor. You know, the thing is, I think that in England, they razz people a little bit harder. Oh, yeah. People here are a lot more sensitive. I think a lot more. Is anything like that ever off limits? Do you care about what they may be going through in their private lives? I don't know if they have an addiction. I don't know. If you did, would it make a difference? Also, I'm not judging them. I'm not judging them for what they did. You're mocking them, are you? No, I'm not. I'm confronting the elephant in the room. They hired me. Wait a minute. You're not just confronting the elephant in the room. You're making fun of the elephant in the room. Right. Like I'm going to go out there and not talk about the issues in... in their industry. Don't forget, I've got to be an outsider there. I mustn't come out there as everyone's mate and schmooze. That's nauseating. I've got to come out there and I've got to roast them. He's got this really, this is something that you probably don't know about Ricky Gervais. He's got a couple of friends that he's been mates with for a long time. And he thinks they're really, really funny. And so he does TV shows with them. When Rebecca and I were in
Hawaii last year, we watched this TV show that he has. And what they do is they animate him and his couple of buddies. It's one of the most unfunny things I've ever seen in my life because nobody thinks that his buddies are funny except for him. Oh, wow. And now one of his buddies has like a whole show of his own coming out. You sure it's not just British humor that we don't get? I'm telling you, I get British humor. I like British humor. This guy, this guy that Ricky just gave a new show to, travels the world. And his bit is that he says whatever comes to his mind. And it's silly. And so he'll be like, tell me about football in America. And he'll go, it's crazy because what's so great about it? It's a little... It's a little ball, and a bunch of fuck guys roll around with it, and then they throw it. And then if another guy's real tall and he catches it, then he runs into something, and then everybody starts to cheer. And Ricky Gervais is like. And everyone else is like, oh, wow. Maybe he went to high school with this guy. And it was funny in high school. Maybe he has pictures of you doing something you shouldn't do. Maybe.
But anyway, that's the deal with Ricky Gervais. He's funny. I do think he's funny. Have you seen the pictures of him in the gold pants with no shirt on? Mm-mm. Oh, my gosh. He's not good. What was it from? From that? The Golden Glows? I think it was like an after party. I don't know. He's out on a balcony, and he's got the gold pants on. He's real skinny now, but man. Oof. I ate food so hot last night I could barely eat it. Temperature hot or Mexican hot? Spicy. Spicy hot. Okay. That must be spicy if it was spicy for you. It was really hard for me to eat it. Would you put in just straight jalapeno juice? I put almost. Just call it juice. Just call it juice. The hottest pepper, the hottest pepper there is is called the scotch bonnet. And I've got some hot sauce made out of it. And I, my wife made red beans and rice. So I squirted some of this hot sauce in there and I started eating it and I'm like, it's not hot enough. So I got some Tabasco and I just started dousing it in Tabasco.
I just kept dousing and dousing and dousing and dousing and dousing and dousing. And I ate it and it was so hot that my head was sweating and my nose was running. I kept having to blow my nose. And Nita was sitting next to me, our Hungarian nanny. Oh, yeah. And she said, why do you do this? I have the same question. Yeah. And I said, oh, it tastes so good. It seemed when you eat food that is so hot, it'd make it so that you can't taste anything anymore. Why do you eat like this if you cannot taste? And I said, I can't. It's just really hot. And she goes, I will not understand this. That makes two of us need it. And I'm not from Hungary. I've never gotten the fascination with the hot bit. The spicy bit.
It's so hot you can't even eat it. I like to enjoy my food and taste it. If it's too hot that you can't eat it, then you almost ruin it. There's a line. L-O-B, but you can eat hot things? Man, me and you should try some stuff out. Yeah. I love spicy stuff. I'll tell you what, too. It does shock me. A lot of chicks are able to do it. They're able to really eat some hot stuff. My wife's one of them. Really? Yeah. When I cook for people... I always have to do the way that they would eat it. Like me. Yeah. And then I have to spice it up on my own, which I get mad about because I'm cooking it. Do you like Indian food? Yeah. Do you like Thai food? Yes. If we went to a Thai restaurant and the guy said, scale of one to ten, because that's what they ask you. If you say, I like it spicy, they say, so that we know how hot to prepare it, where would you like it? Between one or ten? I would probably do a seven. Really? Mm-hmm. I tell them a nine. Woods just said three. Three. How about you, Jay? What would you say? Tan. When we were in England, I thought, I'm just going to eat it. It's going to be hot. But I got a nine. The guy's like, no, no, no. And I ordered it. Ruined the food. It was just so hot. I mean, I could not. It would make my lips burn and swell. So what would you do? I'd probably do here, though. It's different. I would probably still go with a nine.
Here, but there would be like a four. It just depends. There's a place that has a one to seven scale, and I got a six, and I was sweating the whole meal just wiping. So not fun. That's too far. Our phone screener, Chris, just sold up eight. You could go an eight. Like a three or four. Yeah, it doesn't mean that your wiener's bigger the hotter you look. I mean, I can tolerate it. I think that's what a lot of men think. They're like, oh, I can handle this. Then what would my rationale be? Yeah, that her genitals are somehow bigger. I just like how it tastes. That's what I was implying. Yeah, I like how it tastes. Woods yesterday was sharing a bag of beef jerky that I had. Oh, my gosh. And the beef jerky was hot. Sweet and hot. Hot and sweet. And Woods had to stop eating it after two pieces. It's a great combo. Sienna was just pouring it down her gullet. She couldn't get enough of it. Yeah. I like the spicy. Lauren says, and Woods kind of echoes this thought.
They're both over Anne Hathaway. Yeah. Why? She's so annoying. She is not. I always thought she was like a little bit overrated as an actress, and then I heard an interview with her, and she was just so like, she was talking about why she wasn't on, she was offered the role for Knocked Up before Katherine Heigl, Heigl, whatever her name is. And she was just like, you know, I just, I really feel like that's an intimate moment that I need with my husband. Because they showed a shot that was a revealing shot in the unrated version. Yeah. But it wasn't even Katherine Heigl. It was fake. Yeah, it was a fake, over-the-top thing. But she just was like, I just thought. Yeah, I get the Heigl thing. But Anne Hathaway seems pretty. But Anne Hathaway turned down that role because she thought it was too intimate. For her to take that role. Does that bug you guys? You guys are like, you're too full of yourself. I've heard a couple of interviews with her too. And this has always bothered me about, I think actors in general. I mean, it would be like we had an interview last Friday. How would you guys have reacted if I had answered a couple of her questions with, well, you know, this is my craft. And I think what I do is I come in every day.
And I try to wrap my mind around the focus and the energy of the studio. And I really try to get into that place. I would think that you take yourself too seriously. Exactly. But the reason that I would think that is because your job is to be a comic. Right. And so if you were answering like that, I would roll my eyes like, oh, boy, this is a comic? Right. Whereas if you're an actor, maybe you'd be different. I mean, I'm not saying that I like that bit. Yeah. But if you're an actor, it's a lot easier to swallow that pill if you're an actor than if you're a comic. So when you did, Anne, The Devil Wears Prada, how'd you get into that headspace? I mean, it's just ridiculous. You're not Meryl Streep. Who's a serious actor? Meryl Streep. Okay, well, she did Witches of Eastwick, Witches of Turd, right? And it was also stupid. Right, I'm not a Meryl Streep guy at all, but I'm just saying, you know, it's cool to me when I hear guys like Johnny Depp give interviews, and they're just pretty laid back. They're just, hey, I'm normal. I put my pants on one leg at a time like you do. I'm not, you know, something special. Well, and she's been, like, the quirky little, like, she could play the girl next door. She could play this, like, this.
Yeah, or this really beautiful character. But she's nothing more than like, she's good. I mean, she gets the point across from the movie, but she acts like it's like. She's an angel. Oh, God. That's right up Jay's alley. Like the obscure, normal looking girl. I don't think Anne Hathaway is normal looking. I think she's extraordinary. She is. And what I mean when I say extraordinary is that I mean that she is not ordinary. Yeah, she's ordinary. She is. Anne Hathaway? I've had girls. My wife's better looking than Anne Hathaway. She's from another play. I've had girls way better than Anne Hathaway. All I'm saying is Anne Hathaway walks into a room that you're in. You don't say, that's an ordinary chick. You go, oh, my goodness. No. Here's an 11. You say, oh, she's pretty. Oh, she's a pretty girl. Oh, no. All of your wives blow her up. Well, I agree because my wife's probably listening. That's why we're married to her. That's why we're married to our wife. But all I'm saying is, you know, I'm just making an observation. I think she's pretty good looking. She's normal. Her acting is normal. She's an average person that holds herself in a very high regard. Yeah, I kind of agree with L.B. Her interview irked me. I was just kind of like sort of on the fence with her. I didn't really care one way or the other. And her interview was just so condescending towards other actresses. She's very pleavish. Yeah. I never got that. She's such like a theater person. Like she'd be like, where have you studied? She's no.
She's not the situation. What would you like to do other than Jersey Shore? I mean, my ultimate goal, obviously, when I was little, I always wanted to be on covers of magazines, and I wanted to be on a TV show. I wanted to be, you know, this and that. I mean, I'll be honest with you, most of my dreams, it's unbelievable, have really come true. Okay. But at the same time... There's like one or two left. That would be... I want to be in movies. You want to be in movies? And I'd also like to get an Oscar too. Yeah! And the Oscar goes to... The Situation. Oh my gosh. If I change it to Mr. Situation at that point. They're going to rename the Oscars after me. It's called The Situations. Oh my gosh. I... will give birth to a child before the situation wins an Oscar. I can honestly say that I will be able to give birth to a child before he wins an Oscar. Welcome to the Academy of the Arts. I'm James Lipton. Today we are joined by Mike the Situation. Hello. Who brought us works such as The Jersey Shore. Glad to be here, Jim. Let me ask you.
When you were... My abs. Besides your abs. When you were... My piece. Besides your piece. When you were... My hair. Not your hair. You got a question? Yes. When you would tan. What was the inspiration behind your tanning? Stallone. De Niro. Pacino. Guys like that. How do you like your laundry to smell? Fresh. Fresh is the best word. GTL fresh. Fresh. Try my new detergent. It's called the situation. Fresh like what? Fresh like a... Like a woman's underwears. You're saying that to you, the breeze coming off of the ocean is different and not as good as the freshness of a woman's... Yeah.
Underwears. Not Snookies, but a regular woman's underwears. Why do you pronounce underwear in the plural? What are you talking about? It's underwears. You wears them, don't you? Yeah, you wears them. He wears them, I wears them. The situation. Gotta take your cap to a guy that's gonna make $11 million this year for doing nothing. For those of you that think that Woods is joking, he's not. Not. He's gonna make $11 million this year. $11 million to the situation. It makes me so nauseous, man. I can't believe it. Well, maybe we're in the wrong line of work. I guess so. Maybe I hit the crunch machine at the gym today. Don't know who Leigh Romini is, but... Leigh, she was in King of Queens. Oh, that lady. Well, there's a new show called The Talk, and Sharon Osbourne just kind of randomly burped.
Oh, my God. During an interview with her. I just feel like at home, I get home, and it's like you get caught up in, you know, I just got home, and so now I have to this, and now I have to that, and I find my... You okay? You okay? Are you burping on national television? Wow. What I was saying was, I just feel guiltier being at home sometimes. How great is that? That's great. Is that a hiccup or a burn? It sounded great. Whatever it was, it was great. I get those all the time like that. When we return, we're going to do Jay, the old man that does science. That's a catchy name. What are you going to do on the radio? I'm going to do something called the electric pickle. Of course you are. Oh, my God. I'm scared. Our engineering department doesn't know we're going to do this. No. Don't tell him. He's going to light a pickle up. Yeah, so I'm going to electrify a pickle and turn it into a light bulb. Please don't kill us, dude. And we're going to videotape it and put it on the internets. And you're going to hear it on the radio. He's amazing. I know. We'll do it next.
I will give credit to Jay and say that Jay suggested that we get that little toaster oven that we put out there. Oh, so good. Oh, yeah. Never used it. Makes some real scrumptious stuff, dude. Never used it. Never once. It's great. Cooks it so much better. Oh, yeah, it does. I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. That's L-O-B. Sienna's not here. In fact, we're going to talk about that right now. Jay is our producer. And screening phones today for us is Chris. Scrubs! By the way, if you would like to do a very, very high-end looking gift for somebody, take a beautiful picture of them and then have our boy Jared turn it into what looks like a painted portrait. It's just a picture, but he'll turn it into something that looks like a portrait. And you can find out more at portraitprints.net. They are amazing. Beautiful. So Sienna is not here today. And we haven't talked about this, but she said it's okay to talk about. Ever since she had Seiji, she has had trouble sleeping. And it happens during the week. And it doesn't happen on the weekends. And I asked her, I said, is it a work thing? Are you stressed about work? She said no. And we've talked about it, and I think maybe it's even an issue.
with separation anxiety because, you know, it's been happening long enough now that it could be an issue of separation anxiety from the baby. Real quickly, M1 Chris from San Diego. What was the word of the day? Right. Pretty fitting that that's a word since you just won yourself a dinner for two at Pamplemousse. Right. Delicious. Now, Thing is, you've got to pay for booze and tipping your waiter or waitress, okay? Sweet. You also get to go see Ozo Motley January 21st at the Belly Up, all right? Awesome. All right, so hang on the line. Thanks a lot. You got it. So, yeah, Sienna doesn't know what the issue is. We don't know what the issue is. You know, she even suggested it might be some kind of postpartum thing. We don't know. But what we know is that she can't sleep.
taking Benadryl, and her doctor has suggested all kinds of stuff. Her taking Benadryl, her doctor has suggested her taking Tylenol PM, and she's staying awake right through it. It's got to be so frustrating. I really feel for her. Yeah. And so she's up all night. That's why she couldn't come into work today. She's been up all night, all week. Yeah. Yeah, she hasn't slept for like three days. Well, and she says, too, she told me yesterday, she's like, well, Sage is kind of on my schedule, and she goes to bed fairly early, so she's asleep. And when your baby's asleep and you still can't sleep, it's got to be up here. It's got to be in the noggin. And your brain, I can not really relate, but I can somewhat relate. I've got a lot going on, too, and my brain just won't shut down now, whereas it used to with the kid on the way. Kind of in that same vein of, you know, four to five hours of sleep max. You know, I'm able to nap in the afternoon if I can get a couple hours, which is no problem falling asleep then. But at night, it's just getting harder and harder. Yeah, we don't know what it is. But I told her, you know, she said, I don't want to flake. I want to come into work. She said, I just haven't slept and I'm a mess. And I said, look, take today, get in to see a doc and, you know, explain to the doc what's going on.
and see if they can figure out what it is. Because today is, you know, three days that she hasn't slept. It's been going on for a while. She's talked about it for a while. She can't sleep, which is just brutal. And I mean, I know that she is obviously super attached to her little girl. And, you know, I will be the same way. Seiji is amazing. The sweetest thing. And she loves her so much. And, you know, Sienna's young. She's 25. She is not used to probably walking out on that baby every morning for a few hours to come to work. She gets to see her on the weekend, which is what leads me to believe that there's something going on with that separation. Good call. Well, and she's still on a feeding schedule where she has to be susceptible to when Sage wants to eat. So I think that's some of it, too, is she knows she's going to have to wake up at a certain time and then up again at another certain time to be at work. If anybody knows. Has any ideas? We'd love to hear it. 570. Went through it. 194.9, yeah. Because Rebecca didn't. You know, Rebecca and Sienna's even talked to Rebecca about it. And it's just not something that she experienced. And, you know, we want Sienna here. I feel a lot of, you know, we had to do it for a couple of months when she was having the baby, obviously. And that was fine and okay. And we want Sienna here because I feel.
Honestly, when she's not here, I just feel kind of incomplete. Yeah, it's weird. It's not the same. Nobody's in the same headspace. We're not in the same mood as when she's here. And she gives a balance. She does. She's definitely a balance for us. She's the Mikey Whisperer. That's right. Yep. 5701949 is our number. If anybody has any ideas on that. In just a moment, Jay will light a pickle using electricity. A real pickle. A real pickle. My gosh. Dill. I'm scared. Or dill, you know, depending on what part of the country you're from. It's a deal. It's a deal. That's what I said. Let's make a dill. I said deal. Deal pickle. It's a deal pickle. Maybe I'll make an electric Mikey. Woodsy's dropped five pounds. Look at you. Five LBs. I've limited myself to only one soda a day. And that's in the morning on my way to work. Because I've got to have something, man. And I don't like to drink coffee on the way in. So I have a little Dr. Pepper. A little one. This isn't the full size. And that's the only soda I have. I've been running, working out. So you're down to three chins. Yeah, three chins now. Jay will get too money. Well, Jay will get his. Yeah, I will.
Woods. Yes. You said that yesterday you were going to run a mountain. Yes. Did you end up running that mountain? Half of it. I can't make it to the top. It burns so bad. I'm going to beg you to put on an honest cap right now. Okay. That means that I'm going to do like a hypnotism on you and you must tell me the truth. Okay. Okay? Yeah. How far up that mountain did you make it? Halfway. Did you actually make it halfway up that mountain? Halfway. I'll show you. You can come watch me. You can film me. Why don't you go with him? It sucks. It is not easy. And you ran? Yeah, I run. How long did it take you? I sprint, actually. I go pretty much as hard as I can up that thing. How long did it take you? Oh, not much time at all. I mean, it's not like, you know, it's not Kilimanjaro or anything. I think you know the one I'm talking about. Yeah, are you on the other side of mine? No, it's when you leave my subdivision. It's the one right in front of you. Oh, okay. And there's a path. So you run up the path. Brutal. Yeah.
And it's steep. That's, you know, the steep part is the problem. And when I walk down, because my legs are shaking, I'm about to vomit, and I'm quivering and sweating. Just another Friday night. Yeah. Because, you know, the thing, I'm doing a lot of stuff, trying to do a lot of stuff at home, am I? And I'm managing a little league team. It's taken up, I got to get home after the show because I've got five dogs. terrorize my house. So I got to get home, take care of them, then I can kind of, but I don't want to drive back to the gym after that, so I just try to do some running at home. L.O.B.'s so fit. I'm not as fit as I was before I started the show. Fair enough. I wonder what you eat. How come you look like that? I exercise. You do? How often? Usually four or five times a week. I have to do something. Even if it's just get out and do a walk, I usually have to do something every day. Four to five days a week she does at Woods. That makes my mouth water. It's probably six days if you count just the little walks. Six to seven, actually. If you just count the little walks because I just have to move. Can we get a weight bench over there? Oh, that'd be rad. Wouldn't it be rad?
Bench press between breaks. No, I'm going to tell you something that you guys are not going to want to hear. Wait, before you do, I'm going to talk to our sales department. Right out there. And I'm going to see if our sales department will do some sort of trade, and we'll do that. I would love it. Go ahead. I don't do a whole ton of strength training. I've been trying to do more since I joined the gym, since I joined Choose Fitness. But I focus more on cardio, so if I were Woods, instead of sprinting up half the mountain, I would briskly walk up the entire thing and then down. M1 tire man. M1 tire man from San Diego. Go ahead. There's a natural hormone in your body, but sometimes it doesn't. What, Woods? I've taken it before. Yeah, I suggested it to Sienna as well. I think she tried it. She is sleeping through some, you know, Like, not heavy stuff, not morphine or anything, but she's sleeping through stuff that would normally knock you out. And, you know, the melatonin, I suggested it to her, too. I took it in college, and it kind of helped. But I think it's more than that, man. Yeah, it worked for me. My mind was racing and stuff like that at night. I couldn't sleep, toss, and turn it. It worked for me. Yeah, it's worked for me as well. So I think it's more than a physical thing for her. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the call, man. We appreciate it. We'll pass it on to Sienna.
570-1949. M1 Mama Nikki from San Diego. You there? It's Virgin Nikki. Virgin Nikki. I'm kind of sick of my name. You want to go with Mama? I always call about Mama things. I always call about Mommy things. Not Virgin things. Yeah. She's not a Virgin. Those days are gone. Right. She waited until marriage, though. She did. Can't put that flower back on the vine. That's disgusting. Anyway. So I had a baby actually one month to the day after Sienna, and I went through a little bit of postpartum, not full-on depression, but definitely postpartum blues for about six weeks there. And I read up a lot about it, and a huge symptom of postpartum depression, postpartum blues, is either restlessness, not being able to sleep, or the opposite, like extreme fatigue and all you want to do is sleep. but it wears its head in really strange ways. Hey, did you go to anybody about it? What did you do about it? I did go to my doctor because when you have your six-week postpartum appointment, you talk about it, and I did talk to my doctor about it, and I said I wasn't having restlessness, not being able to sleep, but I did actually have just really strange thoughts go through your head when you're...
When you're postpartum, like you think if you leave your baby, like something terrible is going to happen and you're not going to be able to be there if something horrible happens. You don't want to take your eyes off your baby for a minute and all that kind of stuff. It's just very weird, the thoughts that go through your head when you're going through postpartum. But I told my doctor about it, but I was kind of feeling like I was coming out of it a little bit, like I wasn't so somber and feeling like I wanted to cry all the time. But a lot of times you see counselors, and they can talk you through it. Or medication, a lot of times, like, antidepressants help. But it's different for everybody. So she could just be going through some postpartum, like, depression, anxiety. And, I mean, I can't believe you'd never know, like, listening to the show. I know. She's a pro, man. And that's always been the deal with Sienna. I mean, Sienna is – I was thinking about this. And thank you for the call, Nikki. I was thinking about this just the other day, is that when Sienna was pregnant, she was pretty even keel. And a lot of times when women are pregnant, they go through all these different waves of emotions and just get weird and all that stuff. She didn't. She was pretty even keel. In general, Sienna's personality, laughing, gregarious.
That's just who we see all the time, even off the air. That's who Sienna is. Every once in a while, if you press the right button, she'll let you have it. Yeah, you can get her. You can get her. I can. And she'll let you have it, but that's kind of all of us. No. Yeah, it is all of us. I'm kidding. So anyway, but what I want to hear from is I want to hear people that have had, even if it's your wife or whatever, that have had that exact same experience. saw someone and what the resolution and solution was. What I mean is, okay, so my wife was pregnant or I was pregnant, had a kid, could not sleep, saw someone, here's what they said, and this worked. That's what I want to hear. M1 Lopez is on the line from San Diego. What's up? Hey, Mikey. I called on your guys' 28-hour show announcing that my baby was born. I don't know if you guys remember. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, the same thing happened with my wife. She went 36 hours straight with no sleep, had the baby, had a C-section, had a difficult time with the C-section and the recovery. The thing was, what had happened is that, see, my wife has got a lot of energy. She's got a lot of energy. She's always doing something. I mean, it could be 11 o'clock at night. She could be cooking or...
Doing laundry, whatever. She's just a high-energy person. That's just the way she is. What had happened was that we kind of fell into... We all believed her. You know, she can handle it. She's okay. She's awake. Well, on the 24th of December, to make a long story short, on the 24th of December, we had a small incident. Well, a large incident. We had dinner on the 24th at our house, and she went upstairs to put the baby to sleep. The baby was already asleep, and she also fell asleep with the baby on her arm. But what happened is that she had dropped the baby, and we ended up at the children's hospital. Oh, wow. Yeah. A concussion on the baby. I mean, everything's fine now. Good. But the thing was that she is so overprotective, and it may be the case with Sienna that she's overprotective with the baby, that she needs to have her 24-7 around her.
I don't know, man. I mean, that sounds pretty specific, what you've got going on. The only thing that they told us that the doctors and the doctors said, you know what? Everybody has to step in and help out. I mean... Sienna does have a lot of help. Yeah, she's got a lot of support. I think that might be a different issue. She might not be paying attention to the support. I mean, it's like, hey, you know what? Hey, you need to lock yourself in a room. We got... We'll take care of the babies. We all know how to feed a baby. We all know how to birth. I mean, her husband is very instrumental. In fact, was able to get time off work when Sienna first came back to work. She's got her mom there every day in the morning while she's at work. So I think she's... Definitely open to allowing, you know, Sage to be with other family members and everything. And to be helped, too. Exactly. Thanks, dude. I appreciate the call. I mean, I know in my for my case this morning, I had when I was I was actually I know right where I was. I was getting out of my car to run upstairs. And, you know, I had some guilt. I did. I was like, dude, did we did we make a comeback too early? Like me like bitching about having to do the news and all that stuff. Like I was like, I wonder if like.
She jumped the gun on coming back, you know, and I felt bad. I was like, oh, man, I hope I'm not responsible. No, she missed us, and she missed her job, and she loves what she does, so it was definitely a tough decision for her. I don't think you should feel guilty. I feel guilty. I hope that we didn't, like, take her from baby too soon. Yeah, that's what I'm feeling. Like, mamas have to be with baby for a certain amount of time, and I don't know. Like, you know, for me, you know, I... I want Sienna to do whatever she's got to do to get it right and be with Sage and be happy. I miss her, love her, want her here when she can. Yeah. And I'm happy to step in when I can and just read terrible news. Terrible, terrible at the news. You're fine. Am I? I want to see Jay light a pickle. 100%. Jay, get in here. All right. He's got on his lab coat experiment lab coat. Wow. Chris is going to take pictures. Wow. Where did you get that lab coat? He's got a lab coat. Oh, my God. Do you see what it says? Oh, my. Well, maybe not. Yeah. It says something dirty, MD, gynecologist, or whatever. Oh, wow. Pew. All right. Stick a dill pickle out. Like a deal. You got a dill pickle? Yeah. A dill. I thought you had a dill pickle. A dill pickle. Pull this microphone around. I'll tuck in this mic. Oh, wow. I'll tuck in this mic.
Guitar. What just happened? He hit my guitar that's on. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, there you go. I was going to recommend that, Michael. Oh, my goodness. So basically, I took an extension cord, and I cut the ends off. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. I got to get that mic on here. Oh, my goodness. Go ahead. So I got an extension cord, just a regular household extension cord, and I cut the ends off of it, and I took two nails and hooked them to the ends of the wires. Oh, my God. Okay? So then, real simple, I take the pickle. Careful, careful. And then insert it in one end. That's a nail? It's a nail. That's not plugged into power yet. Not yet, no. Okay. Oh, you licked the nail. You licked the nail. I want it to go in smoothly. Now you're plugging that nail into the other side of the pickle. Okay, so now we have a pickle. Oh, my gosh. So there we go. Let's get everything away from it. It smells like pickle-itis in here. Yeah, it does. So I'm going to unplug the amp.
You're going to unplug the amp. Oh, boy. You're going to plug in the cord. Turn the lights off. Turn the lights off. And then we'll crank up the power. All right. Give it a second to start working. I can hear it. You can hear it. I just stood back. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Wait, it's going to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unplug it. No, no, it's fine. It's fine. Are you sure it's fine? Yeah, it's just cooking the juices. inside the pickle. It's the acids inside the pickle. So it starts to glow. So basically, it's cooking the pickle, but it turns into a light. It sure smells like it's burning. No, it's just cooking it. It's cooking it. It's like a toaster oven, but a cheap version. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen. That's insane. It's like burnt hair. Okay, I've sufficiently seen that it works, and can we unplug it? Sure. That's a little pickle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Listen to that. Wow. Wow. Wow. My hands is the electric pickle. I'm blown away. That was cool. What a cool dad Jay is. Yeah, I showed Jasper last night. He's like, whoa. That was crazy. Now I'm going to eat the pickle. It cooked the pickle? It cooked the pickle. It's warm. Oh, my gosh. That was incredible. It kind of stinks, though, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Don't try this at home. No, do not.
But it sure was kind of cool to see. It was really cool. 100%. It was rad. Look at L.O.B. She's all freaked out. I was afraid it was going to blow up or something. Yeah. So did I. Or I thought that the deal was going to catch on fire. I thought that the plate that was on the paper plate. I thought the plate was going to catch on fire. Did you hear that? Yeah, I can smell it. Do you like that candle? I will. It stinks. Oh, wow. It stinks. Got a great topic we're going to bring up next. And Woods is going to do his deal song. Oh, wow. We'll do that next. Don't go away. Wait till we tell you how many people they're going to fit in the stadium for this year's Super Bowl. Setting a record. Do some woods on sports here in just a minute. Tom Tom tunes at 830. Stepped on an elephant. Sorry. Sorry about that. Woods, he's plugged in. Can you tell? Yeah, let's hear it. How's that sound?
It's not got to do something. It's a D.O. sound check. Yeah, it's a D.O. sound check. It's just coming out of there. It's not coming through here. No difference. Crank it on that thing. Is it cranked? Is it cranked? That's a little better, right? Turn it down. Turn it down, Jay. Turn it down, Jay. Not all the way, but down. There we go. Turn it down a little bit more. There, right there. Perfect. We figured it out. All right. You want to reset for everybody? What the hell we're doing right now? Yep. Yesterday, we were talking about Dio. I don't know how we started talking about Jack Black and how he's infatuated with the sound of the whole Dio generation. And so we started this string on Facebook where Woods began with the following lyric. The lion and the scorpion were fighting for the throne.
And then we just invited people to start adding on to these Dio lyrics until an entire song was made. And Woods will now perform said Dio song that has been written, basically, by M1s. Are you ready, Woodsy? I think so. All right, let's do it. All right, ready? Yep. That's very Dio. Pretty good, Woodsy. Man. Break it. Wow.
Which is all red. That must be fun. To play. I wish I could play like that. I play like garbage. That was funny, though. That's good. That's good stuff. Yeah, that took me an hour and a half. Did it really? Yes. There it is. It's our very own Dio song. That was terrible. Is your mic on? I think so. I was way down. Yeah. 5701949 is our number. I loved doing that more than anything that I've ever done. That was rocking out. Yeah. My fingers hurt. Wow. Okay, and the video, by the way, of Jay Lighting the Pickle is available. For your viewing pleasure. For your viewing pleasure. I'm going to put it on our Facebook fan page right now. Let's see. And you can check it out. It scared me, I'll be honest. Yeah, ditto. You guys were scared.
Yeah, I thought the pickle was going to explode. Me too. I thought that the plate was going to catch on fire. But we now, if you go to Facebook.com slash Mikey Show, you can see Jay doing his science experiment and lighting a pickle on fire. It's pretty awesome. I got a couple others that I'll bring up next week. Yeah. He's got all kinds of science stuff that he can do. Amazing. He's really good at it. So there you go. You want to do some Woods on Sports? Let's do it. Woods, you're a busy guy. Yep. You're doing news, sports. You're playing Dio songs. Yeah. Really got you kind of working some. You got music together for us today. Yeah. Really earning your keep. Woods on Sports is brought to you today by Frank's Red Hot. Well, there was an interview yesterday with X. Titans quarterback, Vince Young. And as you may or may not know, Vince Young has been kind of a train wreck. He won the Rookie of the Year, went to the playoffs, and everybody thought, hey, man, this is the next big guy. It's been a series of just bad moves for the guy. I think he's been arrested a couple times. He's had falling outs with his coach. Well, he's been cut by the Tennessee Titans. And once you get cut by a team and you're a young guy, it's hard to catch on somewhere else as a starter. So they asked him yesterday about him possibly being a backup. Cut one.
That's funny. You know, I'm going to go into the organization, the team, and compete. You know, that's all I can do and let them make their own decisions after that. Definitely, I am a starting quarterback, elite quarterback in the NFL. I want to go in and start, but, you know, like it always is, the coaches have the last say so and the last word. Well, Vince, you're not an elite quarterback, and I think it's time that you get something through your head. That's right, B-Y. He's fooling himself in that regard, my man. And also last night, the Boston Celtics took on the Detroit. Detroit! They won by four. Everybody else had a pretty good game. Paul Pierce had a good game. Kevin Garnett did not have such a good game. 11 points. They really expect more out of that guy. But he says he thinks he knows what happened. Cut to you. I knew the ball was going to come to me a lot of just... You know, I just need to take my time. One thing about rhythm, it's almost like if, I mean, for y'all who can dance, y'all who cannot, you know, don't worry about this, but it's like being at the party and a record skip, and you got to get back on beat. So, you know, if the record skipped a little bit, I'm still in the party. I just got to find that groove again, you know?
That's about it. You know, for y'all who can't dance, don't take it personal. Yeah, this is how Stella got her groove back. That's right. KG. Do you mind if we dance with your dates? Well, no, not at all. Go ahead. It's true. It is true. I don't know how to dance, and that's why I can't play basketball. I can play a little hoop, but I can't dance. Sorry. We talked a little bit earlier about the Super Bowl, which is going to be coming on February 6th. Can't wait. Who knows who's going to be there. But it will be in Dallas, my hometown. And I have been to what they call Jerry World there. I have stood on the field during a Monday night game. It's the eighth wonder of the world. It is absolutely phenomenal. It cost $1 billion. Are you serious? Yeah, it cost $1 billion. It's one of the coolest stadiums you will ever see. And I know you love stadiums, Mike. You'd be in paradise. Oh, yeah. It's absolutely phenomenal. They're saying that the Super Bowl attendance could surpass 100,000 people. In that stadium. In that stadium. And I'll tell you something. Security will be tight. Oh, my gosh, man. And I'll tell you something.
The traffic around that place is murder. Is it really? It was murder. Yeah. It's going to be insane. I move out of Dallas and they have the freaking Super Bowl there. You probably would have been there. Oh, 100%. 100%. Or at least I would have been at the Super Bowl parties with my friend Bark Malman, that's for sure. But it's going to be, yeah, they're going to have walk-ups. They have a section where you can stand and watch the game too. So they're going to pack that thing to capacity. It's going to be the first time over 100,000 in. 24 years. Wow. This is awesome. It's going to be such a scene. Oh, my gosh. And finally, so we talked a little bit yesterday about the labor dispute between the NFL owners and the players. And the Players Association head, his name is Jeff Saturday. He plays center for the Indianapolis Colts. He had this to say. Cut three. Anything we can do to get our message out that we want to play, we want to be on the field starting in August, there's no reason to have a lockout. We can get the agreement in place without being locked out. Anytime you're talking about somebody shutting the doors where you can't go to work, it's a big deal. Yeah, and I think we all know where Jeff is going to be this summer. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. Your last name is Saturday. It is. And that is Woods on Sports.
Well, I was shamed with my lunch, that's for sure. Big time. Yesterday I was shamed because I tried to pick a manly lunchbox. What do you do, you know? What do you do? Maybe like a pail. Put it in a bag. Or a metal pail or something. Metal pail. I looked for that. Just put it in a bag. Put it in an Albert's bag. Paper sack. Or even a plastic bag. Sorry, I love you. I like the reusable thing. Oh, boy. I think you're right, Woods. I bring a new one every day. Just a plastic sack. You don't need a plastic bag. I use the same one over and over, do I? What about if I was a kid? Can I do what I did when I was a kid? Of course. You take a lunch pail when you're a kid because you're a kid. But how come? Okay, question. Okay. Why is it that you were talking yesterday about how you will do things now as an adult that you have not let go of from your childhood? Yeah. The lunchbox is one I let go of. Okay, you did. Okay. But it specifically has like Spider-Man. Yeah.
I had a Kiss lunchbox. Yeah, geared towards Kiss. Are you telling me that it would be bad for me, L.O.B., to bring in a Kiss lunchbox? A Kiss one might be cool. It'd be pretty cool. So if I find a Kiss lunchbox, that's okay? Yeah. Are you going to have the little thermos with the sippy thing and put apple juice in there? Yep. That's a little bit of the top. What was your lunchbox? Your sack lunch situation. My parents used to do the bit where I ended up making my own lunches at some point. I guess when I was like 11, 12, I think I packed my own lunch. But I didn't like the cafeteria food. So I would just make the same sandwich, a little bag of Doritos, wrap up a Coke in tinfoil.
Real good. You'd freeze it. Yeah, you'd freeze it, put it in the freezer overnight, and then you'd put it in your food and it would keep everything cold. It acts as like a little insulator. A little, yeah. Did it thaw out enough to drink? Yeah, it would thaw just almost perfectly. Oh, wow. I never did that. I just put it in there. And then there would be a few little ice chunks in there depending on when you had lunch. That's a good move. I used to get like, it wasn't even the Ziploc bags that had a seal. It was the ones that folded over. I get like a banana, pretzels. Pretzels, saltines. I'd be like, cool. Let me tell you. What a dork I was. And I knew it and I didn't like it, but I didn't have a choice. This is what mom said you're going to do. Mom was big into Tupperware. Okay? She was big into Tupperware. So is son. Son? You, son. Mom was big into Tupperware. So is son. Now you are. You are big into Tupperware. You love use some Tupperware. No, he likes the reusable stuff and he likes to throw it away. Yes. I'm talking Tupperware. Yep, the burp top. Yep. And they came out with all kinds of stuff. I mean, they had a whole line. So my mom, people will remember this. My mom had, oh my gosh, this is bringing back such memories. It was yellow. Yellow. Couldn't stand out more if you tried. No. My friends had Kiss Lunchboxes. I had a yellow rectangle or square.
Tupperware deal with a clear plastic top that you went and put on the top and then it had these bands. that came over and you snapped it shut and carried it like that. At least you had that. Tupperware wasn't around when I was a kid. Neither was a wheel. Neither was wood. Even the bags just folded over. So your sandwich wasn't even fresh. It was like, you know, great. My sandwich has been sitting in a bag all day long. Paper bag? It was a paper bag, but then the plastic bags, they weren't Ziploc. They just folded over like it. made some kind of a magical seal over your sandwich? Yep. It wasn't magical. It was not anything magical about it. It was loose. It was really loose. Nothing magical about it. Yeah, sometimes it even slipped out if you jostled it enough. The only thing, the only purpose it served was to be a receptacle. Yeah, that's it. Well, what was worse than a sack lunch? The sack lunch was almost a treat for me. My parents were into the lunch tickets. I don't know if your school had those or not.
Would they just buy you the lunch at school? What it was was my mom would give me money. I'd go. It was a roll of tickets that they would give you. It looked like raffle tickets. And you'd get 10 of them. And you'd buy them every two weeks. So I'd have to go. Yeah. get early to school, walk over to the principal's office or the office or whatever, buy my lunch tickets from the secretary. And she gave me two weeks of them. And that was to make sure I didn't go and buy like ice cream sandwiches and stuff. I had to get the like mandated lunch. And if I lost those tickets, there was hell to pay. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. You don't eat. My friends would be like buying like. soft pretzels with the cheese whiz that you dip and ice cream sandwiches. And they'd be like, what are you getting? What's that ticket? You're like, this is a pile of spinach that was actually put on this by an ice cream scooper, which is the filthiest thing you've ever seen. 570-1949. Just call us and tell us about what your lunch experience used to be like when you were in school. You know, the way that I see it is there are two types of people.
you either had cool lunch or you had dork lunch, like me, like L-O-B. Woods didn't. I think you had cool lunch. It was okay, but senior year in high school came around, and I was making a little money at that point, and I would eat two corn dogs and fries every day. From school? From school, every day, my senior year of high school, two corn dogs, fries, and a Coke every day. Well, I'm talking about, I'm talking more. If you can, what I want to hear about is more the younger days. Because as you get into high school, you can, at our school, you can even leave. That's rad. You can drive to McDonald's or whatever. Never had that. But what I'm interested in is the, what I really want to hear is the dorkiness. My boyfriend, Matt, BFMC, boyfriend, Matt Comers, he, at a young age, in elementary school, learned to wheel and deal. With lunch. Really? And he would take things in. I don't know if he just wasn't eating or he would eat before he left or something. But he would sell things or trade up. And so he had this like, I guess he kept all the coins and stuff in one little sock or something like that. And his mom found this big gigantic thing of coins. And it's like, where did you get this from? Are you selling drugs? And he had been selling his lunch food for a life. Amazing. What did he have that was good enough to sell?
Uh, I think he said people really liked like bananas and stuff. He said a lot of people would get like junk food and wanted something like, or like a milk. A milk was a really coveted thing. Really? Yeah. Let me tell you, when I was in school, kids that had bags of chips. Oh yeah. Doritos. Yeah. They were like, they were the, they were, uh, sons of Kings and Queens. They were a prince. They were a princess. They were royalty. Holy cow. I got the. They were the barrels. They looked like a plastic barrel. Is that the sugary ones? Yes. And it had a silver foil cap that you peeled back. And it tasted. Disgusting. It was like colored sugar. Filthy. Yeah. It was filthy. Too much sugar for a kid. It burned. It burned your throat a little bit. Yeah, it did. It burned. You're like. Dude. It was acid. I forgot about that part. It was so sugary and acidic that when you would drink it, it would actually burn your throat. And you would think, what is this? You know what it was? It was urine with sugar in it. Yeah, exactly. The first two sips, you were like, delicious sweetness. And then by the time you got to the bottom, you were like... Remember when your folks would throw the banana in your lunch and you'd be eating a turkey sandwich that tasted like banana? Yeah. Turkey banana sandwich? Still my lunch today. I don't bring bananas for that reason, and they're disgusting, but everything tastes like a banana. Oh, my pretzels used to taste like banana. Oh, the pretzels. And it was disgusting. You ever thermos ever explode in your lunchbox? Oh, no! You just want...
You want to call your mom and go, get in your car and get your butt down here. Pick me up. I have Coke spilling out of my lunchbox. I forgot about that thermos explosion. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. A thermos exploding? Coke. Just would leak. Or leak. It would just be a leak. So you'd have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich drenched in grape juice. And you mad cry. You mad cry. You mad cry. You throw your lunchbox down. Soggy, the pretzels would be like into a paste by the time you got to them. And if you're anything like me, you were eight or nine cursing. Yeah. F-ing sandwich. Absolutely, dude. What the hell? And you're nine. Screaming at your mom. Yeah. And you're eight or nine. Oh, yeah. And you heard those words from your brothers. You're like, F-ing sandwich. I didn't know that about you. We all did it. Oh, I did it. I mean, you know. Potty mouth. Yeah, because we think we're so cool. We're so cool. We've used the words wrong. Yeah, I didn't use them in school. F-ing off. Really? You make sense, you dumbhead. M1 Jelly is on the line from San Diego. Go ahead. Hi. Mine was even worse than LB's. My mom, I went to Catholic school. My mom actually worked there. So I had to eat everything that was given to me. I mean, from the nasty salad to nasty cheese to everything. But the worst thing was is you get to the end of the line and that's where the drinks are, right?
So they could have a pitcher of milk, not like little milk. A pitcher of milk that they squeezed out of the teat of a goat. And by the time you get there, that pitcher of milk is pretty warm. I had to drink warm milk. Oh, my God. I got one better for you. I think I might have one better for you, M1 Jelly. I want you to, I want everyone listening right now to think back to your school days because everybody had cafeteria. I want you to try to visualize and remember the cafeteria salad and salad dressing. Usually like, you know, like when you let salad out for a while and sort of see through weird. Yeah. Gelatinous. The white part of the iceberg lettuce. Yes. And it would be warm. And it would be like bitter. Yeah. And it would be like those julienned carrots that were disgusting. And then the dressing that school provided was sort of a disgustingly sweet.
Vinaigrette. Like French almost. It was a French dressing. Or French. Or French. Like when have we ever had it since then? I forgot about the French dressing. Eighth grade French dressing. Or eighth grade Catalina dressing. Catalina? Disgusting. Do you remember the carrot and pea medley? That was... A standard, the mashed potatoes. Yes. Always mashed potatoes, carrots and peas. They were squared carrots. Squared carrots. Yes. Where'd they get those? Yeah. It was the kind of, it was the kind of food that like a senior citizen would be like, that's the most bland, disgusting food I've ever seen in my life. Oh my gosh. Let's see. 570. I forgot about the medley. 194.9. M1, Jess Mann from Valley Center. Hi guys. What's up? Not much. Well, first of all, we were pretty poor growing up, but we used to use, like, grocery bags for our lunch bags, you know, like Ralph's or Vaughn's. Right. And then what we would do, we didn't really have bread. My mom was Mexican. We would use tortillas. Oh, wow. We'd have more tortillas in the pouch than bread.
With peanut butter and jelly, we'd use tortilla. Oh, my gosh. Peanut butter quesadilla. The big grocery sack didn't bother me so much. I got a question, Woods. Did you ever go on any kind of, as an adult, did you ever go on any kind of excursion with your dad that would require taking food, i.e. hunting, fishing, anything like that? No. Okay. We played golf. And go to baseball games. You never did anything where you would take food with you? My dad would take food on vacation from home, but that's just my dad. He would pack granola bars and whatnot. You two together would never do anything that would require you. Never been camping, never went hunting, never went fishing. Wow. Here's what's interesting. But we had other stuff we liked to do. Here's what's interesting. And now I got a question. And all you guys that are listening right now, think back to the disgusting. kid stuff okay and then fast forward because i went i've gone on a couple of deep sea fishing trips with my dad okay as an adult and mom would make us stuff to take freaking delicious oh really and i'm thinking back and i'm like how come wait a minute because it was every day
She had to make a sandwich for you every day. That's the answer. Do you know what my mom used to do when my dad and I would go on fishing trips? She'd get up at 4 o'clock in the morning. She's a good woman. She would make homemade tortillas. Homemade tortillas. Then she would fry potatoes up. She'd cut them up into little squares. She'd fry potatoes up. Then she would take chorizo and she would... scrambled eggs into it and mix all the scrambled eggs and chorizo and potatoes together, she'd put just a little tiny bit of butter on those homemade tortillas and stuff it with the chorizo and eggs and potatoes and roll them up. She'd make like 12 a piece for us and wrap them in tinfoil, put them into a paper bag with chips for both of us. This is a true statement. My mouth is watering. That is a true statement. That's a true statement. But here's another true statement. I mean this. I looked more forward to eating that than I did the trip. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I remember, yeah, I would go to Flyers games, the hockey games. I really couldn't tell you what the score was or anything. I knew if they won, but I just looked forward to the snacks. The food. That we would bring. What would you take? You know what I really liked? My mom made...
They were just stupid, but saltine sandwiches. And it was just saltine with peanut butter. Oh, those are the best. She'd wrap them in foil and we'd get so many of them. Freaking delicious. We would go. At our house, if we were going to go, if my dad was going somewhere, the whole family would have to wake up. It would be 4 a.m. And maybe my mom had been frying chicken for an hour so that we could take it with us. She'd been frying chicken, big breakfast. You're killing me. And then we would go hunting. And everybody's like, hey, see you later. You would take fried chicken with you? Oh, yeah. We'd have fried chicken in the cooler. S-O-B. It was so delicious. Oh, that sounds so good, doesn't it? Oh, hungry. Oh, that sounds so good. Call us with this stuff. I'm into it. Call us, 570-1949. My name is Mike. I'm 40. Hello, Mike. Sitting across from me is my friend Woods. He's 35. Over to my right is Lauren O'Brien. We call her L.O.B. Sienna's not here. She's having a hard time sleeping. Our producer is Jay. Can I say something that has not been said? Yes. Go for it. Fire away. Are you thinking what I'm thinking or do you think you know? Take a guess at what you think I'm thinking. His baby tea?
What are you talking about? His shirt from Baby Gap? This is a new shirt. That's not even a smedium. That's just a small. You know, it is kind of tight. It's tight. It is. It's a little restricting. It's new. Kim got it out. I don't know. Do you like boys? Men? No? Is that your bit? You like men? Jay. It doesn't look that bad. Oh, no. I'm muscular. I can't help it. I'm so muscular. It's an extra large. Is that what that is? No. That's one of those deals where they... It accentuates the muscles? No. It looks like he's wearing a t-shirt too small for him. Kim. Got the wrong size? No. Not every day. But some days, Kim lays my clothes out. Not every day, though. I don't want to get lit up. But this morning, these were what was laid out for me. Can I ask you a question? And I mean it. I'm not. I don't mean it in any way offensively. And I mean that. I'm telling you the truth. How come I feel like I'm about to be offended? You're not. You're not. This is a genuine question. But I knew if I had just asked it, you'd be like, really?
Are you putting on any weight? Oh, I am for sure. I put on 11 pounds since we started doing the show a year ago. That's not why. How do you know that's not why? Because I can see the size of that t-shirt. I got a baby bump. It's a small t-shirt. It's a small t-shirt or Jay's getting bigger. If I wore that t-shirt, it'd be small on me. Well, I've never worn this shirt before. I've never worn this shirt before. I just happened to be laying out this morning. And it does feel tight. I was in such a rush because I had all kinds of stuff for my science experiment to get together. As soon as I got in the car, I was like, wow, look, I can kind of see my belly button sticking up. I can't turn the wheel. I am saying this observationally not to hurt feelings. I'm saying it to hurt feelings. It has a ladies' fit. It has a very... It does. It does. It's like a woman's baby tee. It's like, it makes his hips look sexy. It makes your hips look sexy. You have childbearing hips in those. Nice beaver. I'm looking at Jay in this t-shirt and I'm like, wow, she's got really curvy hips. Oh my gosh. She's got an hourglass figure. It's painted on.
It is painted on. It is painted. Now that I'm looking at it, now that Mikey's pointed it out. I didn't even really notice. Are you kidding? I walked in this morning and I was like, oh, well. I've been really busy this morning. Yeah. I haven't seen it until now. I remember putting it on this morning. It was hard to get over my head. I was like, what is going on here? Oh, my gosh. Maybe Kim lets you buy your T-shirts. No offense, Kim. I love you. It's small. It's small. It's tight. It's stylish, though. I'm going to give it to Finn, I think. See what size it is. You can't. I can't. You can't reach around. There's no tag, I don't think, in it. There's no tag? Oh, maybe it's one of those tagless shirts, you know. I can see his belly when he reaches back. It's a jungle, baby. I can see more than his belly. Oh, wow. Maybe you take a trip, Climber. Shimmer? Flimmer? Clipper. Say it. He went to pull the back of the T-shirt up and his T-shirt came up. I'm furry, okay? All right. All right. Thank you, guy. That's enough. He has a big, fat belly like me. Well, I can make it big and fat. Me too. Well, you don't have to, though. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. 570-1949. People are calling in about the food thing. Taking food to school. M1 Sooners fan from San Diego. Good morning.
Man, I've got to tell you, Mike, I've got all the stories about school, but I've got to tell you about some Navy food. About four months deep into a deployment, what it turns into. You start out good when you first leave port, but as time progresses, you get what I like to call never seen a cow's boob milk. That engineeringly designed nastiness that's just atrocious. Never seen a chicken's butt eggs. Oh, and, I mean, they try to get creative with this stuff, and, you know, we'll have, like, barbecued fish. Oh, my. Barbecued fish. You start to look forward to the dining anomaly I like to call chicken cordon bleu. You weren't in the Korean Navy, right, with barbecued fish. You were in the American U.S. Navy. American U.S. Navy. I mean, everything is just so. Wow. But not about four months deep now. Oh, man. Thanks, Sooners, man. I would lose it. Yeah. Appreciate you. Think I'd mad cry at boot camp? Yes, I do. M1, Rich is from San Diego. Good morning. Good morning. Excuse me. In junior high, seventh and eighth grade, my mom used to work for Domino's Pizza. And she would bring us pizza literally every single day for lunch. So we'd go out at our lunchtime.
Wait out front. My mom would drop off the pizza. We'd take it back in and would either eat it, sell it, or we'd share it with our friends. Oh, my gosh. Gosh, Dawn, you must have been sick of pizza, though. Yeah, actually, I'm allergic to pizza now. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. No fun, but, yeah. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean allergic? I'm allergic to gluten. Oh, okay. Yeah. So what happens when you eat it? My small intestine dies. Oh, okay. Wow, that's heavy duty. Thank you for the call. Have a good one. Thank you, you too. Hey, Mike. Yeah. When I was a kid, I went to a private Baptist school for the first four years. I went second grade through sixth grade. And my mom worked, and my mom and dad's where they met in the office building across the street. So they could see me playing on the playground from their window. And my mom sometimes would bring me Wendy's. for lunch, and she would stand outside the door, and I'd see her standing there, and she'd be holding a bag of Wendy's, a Dr. Pepper, and a Frosty. A yellow bag. So messed up. And the other kids would look at me like, what a jerk. Son of a. And they'd look, and I'd be like, real good. Burger, fries, Frosty, the whole bit. When my mom did Wendy's days, it was...
The greatest thing ever. I can't wait to do that for my kid. I can't wait to show up at his school and be like, let's just feast on this. So I just got a text from Kim. The clothes that were out on the bed were Jasper's. I'm wearing Jasper's shirt. It says, you're wearing Jasper's shirt. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Jasper, your seven-year-old son? She got some new shirts for Jasper and had them laid out on the bed by my shorts. So I just grabbed the first shirt. Jay's wearing his seven-year-old's shirt. How do you not know? Look at it. It does not look like a little kid's shirt. It looked like a girl's shirt. I was in a rush to get out the door. I'm going to find a shirt around here. What a clown. I have Jamie's bra on, but I wear that every day, so it's no big deal. I'm wearing Rebecca's Manolo Blahnik shoes. High heels. Jasper does not make this shirt look this good, though. He may rip that before he gets home. Jasper's not going to be able to wear it. It's going to be all stretched out and manned up. Can we get a picture of that, please?
Only Jay. I wouldn't be able to walk out of the house. No. But he's normal size. We would know. He wears Smediums as it is. Yeah. I could not do that. That's like an extra Smedium. I'm overweight. Now I know I can't breathe in it. I'm asphyxiating. I think I'm technically obese for my size. You're not. Technically. You're not. The technical term. You might be overweight. The term is clinically. I'm clinically obese. You're not clinically obese. I think I am. There's overweight and then there's obese. I should be 190. I'm 220. That's 30 pounds overweight. That's obese. I'm obese. How tall are you? Six feet. One. What? No. Yeah, 6'1". You're 6'1". Get a measuring stick. I'm like 6'1". Six and a half, 6'1". Something like that. I think that proves something else too. What? Sounds like somebody exaggerates height and length. You want to see it? Oh, boy. I'll show it to you. I'll show it to you. I don't. You should get my wife on the phone. Really? What is she going to say? Okay. He's teeny tiny. I'll show it to you. No. I'm going to. One day when you don't expect it. One day you're going to get sell-donged, Mike. 100% I'm going to sell-dong you. I'll sue you if you do that. I'll take it straight to HR. For what? What are you going to sue me for? I don't want you sending pictures of your piece to me.
I'm going to. I don't want it. But I'm going to. Don't. So then you can come on and recant your statement. That's probably Kim calling him to tell him to return Finn. Jasper. Jasper's clothes. If you're six feet tall and 220, I bet I'm 212 and I'm five foot six. I'm obese. What is that? That makes me morbidly obese. Neither one of you is obese. Stop it. I'm in the category of morbidly obese. That's obesity. Right here. No, it isn't, Woods. No, that's like a beer belly. Thank goodness for humor. Thank goodness for humor. Yeah. I'm really glad I have a decent personality. Yeah. I play guitar. Mm-hmm. I play baseball. Have you ever thought to yourself, what's the, you know, in terms of like Angelina Jolie, she's a 10? Yes. Right? Right. You ever thought, as obese as I am? You guys.
what would be the limits of my capabilities? Wait, are you asking what your number is? What are you? Are you asking what you think you could get? What the limits of your capabilities are. As we look at ourselves as guys, I go, I'm really not very attractive. Plus, my face is not very attractive. I think I'm a nice person. I think I'm a good guy. I think I'm a good guy, and I think that I treat a woman well, and I have a good sense of humor. In the looks department, you know, I've got some catching up to do. That made LLB laugh. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think to myself, okay, now as obese as I am and as unattractive as I am, with what I do have, what would be the limit and the height of my capability?
You know what I mean? Yes. And this is a hypothetical question. I'm a happily married man with the most beautiful, loving wife in the world whom I couldn't live without. This is a hypothetical question. This is more theoretical and philosophical than anything else. I believe I can have Roseanne Barr. No problem. Okay? I'm just starting from the bottom and working my way up. Oh, my God. Roseanne Barr. Okay. No problem. Yep, I agree. Me and you both. Anne Curry from the Today Show. I believe doable. Okay. All right. I'll give you that one. Now we've got to start moving into Hollywood. Shannon Doherty. Not a chance on any green earth. I could get her. You could. I think I could get her. But Woods, see, I believe that you're capable of just about, you know, there's not. There's plenty. Plenty. See, because. I'm going to remain silent because you guys have already had enough ego strokes. No, no, no, no. Here's the deal. Woods is tall.
And despite the fact that he's put on a couple of pounds, he's handsome. So he's tall, handsome, couple of extra pounds, but he's tall and handsome. If I were just tall, I think it would make quite a difference. Well, it's going to help your self-confidence. And anytime you have self-confidence, you can do a lot. Here's the thing. Here's what I'm very confident in myself about. I feel that I have a certain degree of God-given wisdom and intelligence. Excuse me, so I think I'm a bright guy. I've always had quite a bit of ambition, and I have a lot of wherewithal to get stuff done. I think if you could get a really hot girl on the phone, you did it with Rebecca. You made her love you before she ever met you. It's a good move. I had to trick my wife. I'll be honest with you. My wife's a 10. I did trick her. She hadn't seen me. I saw her and I said, there's no way in the world. There's just no way in the world. When I saw my wife, she sent me a picture on the Internet and I said, no, out of my league. She finally had to tell me she liked me because she didn't know what I look like. Meanwhile, I told her, I go, yeah, I got to have this surgery. She says, for what?
I said, oh, I'm just having these health issues, you know, having gastric bypass. Wait a minute. You're telling me. I didn't say that. You're telling me that I'm talking to a guy that's going to have his stomach stapled so that he can't eat food. So you lose weight. It's a deal. Yeah, it's a deal. Mouthpiece will get you far, though, pal. Woodsy's limit. I believe you could get it. Jen Aniston. You know who got Jen Aniston? Who? Vince Vaughn. Chubby Vince Vaughn. Yeah, Chubby Vince Vaughn. Did they date? Yes. Yeah, they dated real good. Yes. I feel like we're having a bit of a role reversal here. And he was Chubby Vince Vaughn at the time. He wasn't Swingers Vince Vaughn. He was Chubby. A lot like the kid. But I believe that women find me repulsive. Mikey. No, no, no, no. I'm being cogent. I'm being honest. I'm being lucid.
I'm being honest. You know, I know what my capabilities are and what my capabilities aren't. I can't run a marathon, okay? I can talk some theology with you. Right. I'm not attractive. I have a great sense of style. Yes, you do. I can't execute it, but I do have a great sense of style. I think you're a great looking guy. Well, that's not true. And that's sycophantic behavior. I think you're a sharp dude. Yeah, definitely a sharp dude. You can be my wingman any day, pal. No, yeah. I think you have no self-confidence. No, no, no. I do have self-confidence in a lot of areas. When I tell you this, I tell you that I'm being lucid about it. I'm being honest and clear thinking. I'm not beating myself up. I'm saying I'm not an attractive person. Are you a Mexican or a Mexican? Mexican.
For sure. Are you? I could be your wingman. I would be your BFF. Your big fat friend. Now let me tell you. Let me explain. Every guy and every girl can have a BFF that you take with you to the bar. Now the big fat friend has a very, very specific purpose. He's vital. He's vital. He or she will make you. Go up two to three notches. If you're a seven, you've become a 10 because of your BFF. Because standing next to your BFF, Lauren cannot help but laughing right now. Because of your BFF, you can go up a couple of notches. It's even true of me. I could have, back in the day, taken Hervé Villachez with me. And I'll go up two or three notches.
Have you met my friend, Mike? He just moved here from Gilroy, California. Did you move here single? We'll do some TomTom tunes in a minute. You know what we need to do also, Miguel? What? Air hair. Yes. We didn't do it yesterday. We've got to film it. We've got to film it. I'm going to tell you a story. I want to see where you stand on this. My wife doesn't know that I'm going to tell this story. Oh, boy. Sure you want to do this? No. Uh-huh. Okay. My son, Jake, has crayons that he loves. Okay? Right now, my wife just went, really? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. She broke one of his crayons. Or she broke a couple of his crayons. How? On mistake. She, like, stepped on them or laid on them or something. Broke them.
and Jake got really upset because he said, where are they? And she was like, oh, no, because I could tell she knew she had to throw them out. And she said, I had to throw them away, Jake, because they broke. Mommy broke them. I'm sorry. And so he started to flip out, and so she went and got him some crayons downstairs, and he went down there with her, and they're doing this together. She gave him some crayons, but they weren't the same kind of crayons. And they weren't the same color crayons. Now, I'm nude laptopping, and I can hear all of this going on, okay? I can hear it all going on downstairs and around and everything. And Jake comes upstairs and says, because this is his bit now. He goes to mom, and if he doesn't get exactly what he wants, he comes to dad.
and because I want to be viewed as a hero, I generally try to help. Oh, boy. I'm just being honest. It's a good move. It's probably not right, and I'm going to try to stop that. Good cop, bad cop. It's a bad move. It's a bad move. Okay, fine. And at least I'm admitting it to it. I'm not going to try to pretend that I'm not doing something that I'm not doing. So he comes up with a big crocodile tears, and he says, Daddy, I'm sad. And I said, Why? And he said, Because. Because mommy broke my crayons. Now, I heard what happened. So I said, I know, bub. But she said she's sorry. And Rebecca says, Jake, come here. She's outside the room. Jake, come here. Oh, boy. And he's obedient, man. He hears that and boom, he's gone. He goes to her. And she said, I hear her say to him, I told you that I'm sorry that I broke your crayons. And I am sorry. And I've done my best.
to try to make the situation better for you, and you have two choices. You can either accept the crayons that I've given you, or you don't get to play with any crayons at all. Mommy, I'm sad. So she, I'm sorry that you're sad, blah, blah, blah. He comes back to dad. And I remembered that a long time ago, I had ordered him some crayons, and they sent me like a whole... box of boxes of crayons. So there was about 12 boxes of crayons in one big box. And so I said, and I'm doing my own thing. You know, I'm nude laptopping. I'm in my own world and I'm trying to deal with what he wants and comfort him and everything. I'm not caught up in it. I'm more absorbed with what I'm doing. But now I take a second and I go, what's the matter, bubs? I'm sad.
Tells me the story again. I said, you know, you want Daddy to help you? I think I have some other crayons. So I walk out into the hallway. Rebecca's sitting Indian style doing something in the hallway. And I said, babe, I had bought some crayons a while back, and it was like a whole box of them. It was like a bunch of boxes within a box. Do you know where that is? She goes, no, I don't. It might be downstairs somewhere. And I said, well, Bob wants them. He's upset. And she said, I'm not going to go look for those. I said, I'll do it. She goes, OK, you want to do it? Go ahead. So I go downstairs. I'm searching. I can't find them. So I go into my office and I'm thinking maybe they're in my office. I'm looking at my office and she comes into the office while I'm in there. She says, can I talk to you for a second? And I stop. Oh, this is serious. Yeah. What? I don't say, yeah, what? I said, yeah, sure. She says, do you think that in the future?
If we have a like a parenting disagreement or whatever that you could. And I said she goes that far and I do the referee timeout signal. Ladies love that. Yeah, ladies love the time. And I and I go, I go, I go timeout, babe, timeout. I said, you just told me that it was OK. And she and she starts and she I know I did. But I had a couple of minutes to think about it since then. I've thought about it. And so I want to tell you what I think. She said, if I tell him something and then you go and do something different, then what we're teaching him is that he gets what he wants if he goes to dad or he complains hard enough about it. I said, okay. I said, I'm down with that. But the bottom line is that I believe that what she was doing was wholesale and fundamentally wrong. Here's why. If you bust my PS3.
And you replace it with an Xbox. Xbox may be even worth more than the PS3. But you busted my PS3. Replace it with a PS3. Not an Xbox. Or if you do replace it with an Xbox. You replace it with the Xbox. And you let me know the PS3 is on the way. And this was offered as a suitable replacement for the PS3. And then the message was. And you either like the PS3 or you don't get anything. Huge leap. How is that a leap? A crayon or a PS3. Well, and also a PS3 that you bought with your money that you earned by going to a job. Okay, good point, guys. Do you think it's possible that to a four-year-old, that crayon has the same value?
As a PS3. It could. Absolutely. And it was given to you. We are lucky as kids to be given the things that we are given outside of our necessities. Sure. You need to be thankful for what you were given. Oh, for goodness sake. Oh, for goodness sake. Oh, for goodness sake. Oh, for goodness sake. Well, if we're trying to teach lessons here, which is what we were trying to do, shouldn't this lesson be like life? I mean, later in life. Jake doesn't get to bust something at somebody's and go, sorry. You know what? I tell you what. I busted your, you know, really nice motorcycle. I busted your really nice motorcycle. And I'm going to replace it with a much less expensive motor or a different motorcycle. How about this? How about this? I busted your Kawasaki. I'm going to replace it with a Suzuki. You're like. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. And the person, wait, wait. The Suzuki costs $1,000 more. You're like, I just want my Kawasaki. Oh, my bike. Yeah, I want my bike. That's life. That's life. I still think that it's a huge leap because you're talking about a crayon. And granted, that is the most important crayon to him at the moment. Absolutely. But turn the page, wait five minutes, and the blue one is now his favorite crayon. It's not going to stick. What he's doing is he is being immature.
Because he's four. And I mean, that is exactly. And as a parent, you're teaching him, hey, look, I know that was an important crayon to you. And I'm sorry. There's strength in that word. We truly are sorry. That's what she said. She said he needs to learn to be able to deal with situations. That's true. And it's true. You guys just. Fast forward the tape on yourselves. What about if we had to deal with that situation as adults? We'd be doing play with crayons. We'd be butthurt about it. We'd be butthurt about it. And also, in addition to being butthurt about it, it wouldn't be freaking right. But as an adult, if I break something of woods... Like my guitar? Of course I'm going to replace it if it's not already broken or scratched. Which it hasn't. Well, what if... Okay, I have a favorite pen that I use in the morning that... has gone missing. And I really do. I'm not, I'm not trying to be serious. Yeah, I really do. I like the, the gel type ones, not this ink, this point ball, ball point, whatever. Um, I don't know where that is. And I found it chewed up. Sometimes I found it in somebody else's possession. I'm like, ah,
I'm just going to move on from that because... Well, you're also an adult. An adult. I know. And that's what I'm trying to say. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive. I'm just saying if it ends up in somebody else's hands and even if they say, I'll get you a new one when I get to the store, you don't have that immediacy of it gets replaced right when it's broken. I believe that in that situation, you should have your pen. Well, what do they... Oh, am I going to send somebody to CVS to go get my pen? No, I don't need it right now. Yeah, the person that... You don't need it now, but I believe that it's a reasonable expectation that your pen will be replaced. What if that person who took your pen is also the one that brought you the pen? Does that have any effect on it? Yeah, it does. I know. No. Yes, it does. Here's the deal. Oh, really? You give me a Kawasaki and then you borrow the Kawasaki and wreck it. I mean, apples and oranges. We're talking about a pen. But hey, would it have been better for Jake if Rebecca had said, hey, sweetie, I'm sorry. Mommy stepped on him. I'm such a klutz. I'm so sorry. I will get you new crayons with the ones that you like as soon as I humanly can. Would it have made it any better for him? It would have made it better for him. It would have. You think so? Yes. I know Jake.
and I know him, and I know, like, I've spent a lot of time with him, I can see that that would help a little bit. And I all, here's my thing, man. I'm about to have a kid. I find it, I think about this all the time. We have to present a unified front. In my house. Absolutely. Growing up, it wasn't a unified front. My dad, M1 Hawk, would call in and tell you that right now. We got what we wanted, and we got it from our mom. And my dad tried to teach us a lesson. My mom was like, here, just, you know, we have to be a unified front. As much as it hurts you, and I know. Oh, no, no, no, dude. I know your heart for that kid. I'm telling you, unified front. I mean, from this point forward, and I agreed. I told her. I said, you got it, babe. That's cool, yeah. You admitted. Even when you're wrong. Even when she's wrong. Even when you think she's wrong. I said, hey, listen. I said, if that's the way we... We'll do it that way. I said, to be honest with you, I was half in it, you know? Yeah. I'm nude laptopping. I'm not really paying attention. I'm watching Trololo on YouTube. I'm watching Trololo for the 50th time. Well, and to you, you thought, okay, if I can...
It's one thing if we have to go out to the store, if it's a big investment to go fix this. But you thought, okay, it's in the house somewhere. I can make this problem go away. Sometimes kids are just tired and they want to be a pain. It's like they're like, well, I just want to be angry about something. Hey, Jay, I agree with you. This wasn't one of those things, man. It wasn't one of those deals, man. And I honestly think to myself, I just want to parent with a kid in a way that imitates life. Sure. That makes sense. The rest of his life. I just wanted to imitate that. There are people that are on team Jay and L.O.B. and people that are on team Mike and Woods. Are you on my side or you're not? I'm not. I can see both sides. I don't think you were so wrong for what you did. I don't think you're so wrong. M1 Chris from Oceanside is on Camp Rebecca, Jay, Woods, and L.O.B. Yeah, I pretty much did.
But no, I see both sides, though. I totally see your side, but you guys kind of took away what I was going to say. Unified front. It's definitely about that. When the kids come to me, and I've got a 10-year-old who's high-functioning autistic, so he'll play both sides. But our biggest thing is, what did mom say? What did dad say? You've got to ask him before you... Okay, let's take the unified front out of it. Okay. Okay. And let's just rewind. I'm with you. Is it wrong? I mean, what's the proper way to deal with it? Is the proper way to say, hey, listen, I'm going to give you a replacement. It's not the same thing. And that's that. This is why I'm with Rebecca, because I think teaching him is small stuff. And that's a vital part of adult life. You can't sweat the small stuff. But he's not an adult. And that ain't small stuff. That's not small stuff. It is a small. It's small to us because it's a crayon. But she could teach him that there's kids that don't even have.
You have to eat sometimes. That bit never works. It absolutely works. You should be thankful to have the crayons that you do have. If they don't learn this lesson now, they will never learn the lesson. It's not tired. It's true. When is a proper time to teach that? I'm with Jay. It's a crayon. It's a crayon. When's a proper time to teach them that lesson? When they're 14? No. It's like you have to start. His crayon is our car. His crayon is our motorcycle. You know what I mean? But he maybe shouldn't have that kind of attachment to a material thing. I just dealt with the same thing with my five-year-old. I have a five-year-old. We just dealt with the same thing. It's a crayon. I mean, you know, Mike, in a way, it's like your Sharpie. But what kind of a... Yeah, like father, like son, truly. But what kind of a D are you if you're a dad and you're like, hey... Get over it. It's a frigging crayon. Nobody would ever say it like that. But he just said, hey, don't sweat the small stuff. It's just a crayon. It's just a crayon. Of course it is to a 38-year-old guy. It's just a crayon. To a four-year-old, that crayon is his Jaguar. Okay, it's not that he didn't have any crayons. It's he didn't have his favorite color crayon. You have a whole box of crayons here to play with. Mommy didn't break all your crayons. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you all these crayons to play with. And if you can't play with all these crayons, you just have to play with.
have to have that special one? That makes me sad that you don't get to play with any crayons. Okay, Jay. Mommy broke your drill. Mommy broke my drill. Okay. You got other tools? It's just a drill. And dude, you've got other power tools. Okay, yes, you can't drill right now. Use the old hand crank. Use the old hand crank. It does the same thing. And by the way, if you don't like it, Tough tease. Tough. You got two choices. Either the hand crank or nothing. It's a different world. Apples and oranges. It is because he's, you know, to him it's a drill. But kids are given things that they didn't necessarily earn. And they should be thankful for the things that they are given from their parents. Yeah, there's a respect for tools. You guys, and Mike, I don't want to. But you guys little kids. Mike, yeah. Yeah, and I got dealt a tough S spoon a lot. Wasn't it a. Like, don't you look back on it and question? No. It taught me to be like, I can move on from that. I don't have to like, I don't have a whole lot of nice things because I don't worry about breaking them and stuff. I really, literally will teach Jake not to cry over freaking spilled milk. Yeah. If the milk spills, let's sack up a little bit. But you're saying that's not a big deal to you. It's what spilled milk is. Spilled milk isn't like property.
It's like this. Hey, you spilled some milk. Check it out, buddy. We'll wipe it up. Take it easy. Take it easy. It's okay. It's going to be all right. All right? You can even say that with the crayon deal. It's okay. It's going to be all right. But the thing that I thought Jake was in the right on was, what are we going to do about this crayon situation? Isn't there ever going to be a hierarchy, though, of parent to kid? Of course. But there's also got to be... One of the greatest things I ever heard was you've got to be able to tell your kids yes enough so that your no means something. That's great. And that's what I mean. Like in these situations, your kid has to be able to, is it fair? That's what I'm dealing with. I don't like the bit of, hey, you know what? Sometimes life just isn't fair. Sometimes it isn't. But in the cases where I can make it fair. Man, I want to. For sure. And I don't want to overstep here, but I know Jake really well. And I think doesn't the fact that he is autistic, doesn't he fixate on things that it is the way he is? But this could be any kid. This could be typical of any kid who's crayon guy. I mean, I've played football with Jake. I've done all kinds of stuff. And he requires things a certain way. And, you know, hey, Rebecca is.
One of the greatest moms I have ever, ever laid eyes on. And she is phenomenal. Well, that's not what I meant. But I think that you guys, Mike, were both right. I think that you both were right. I think it is important to try to, if Rebecca is going to try to help him and maybe teach him that, hey, buddy, we can get through this. We can get over this. I can see why she'd be a little upset if you're like, hey, I'll quick fix it. Yeah, so do I. In fact, what's going to happen from this point on. Is if I don't agree, I'm not going to Jake. I'm going to her. Yes. Yes. And I say, hey, babe, what do you think about this? Exactly. That's the easy fix. Now, to my defense, I kind of did. I said to Jake the thing that I said to Jake. Then I went in the hallway and I talked to her. Right. And she goes, okay, you want to deal with it? Go ahead. So I had the green light. Yeah, that was a green light. She probably knew that he was listening just in the other room. Maybe. That is a good point. M1 Angela from Valley Center. I think it's really cool that he said he was sad about it because he was like expressing himself to you guys, you know? Yeah. He was talking to you guys about it. And my kids, when they're mad about stuff, they don't say that I'm sad. They just freak out. Right. And if they said I'm sad about it, I would be like.
really happy about that, that they were expressing themselves. Well, he's got a dad that tells the world hurt, sadness, and fear is anger. And he listens. And he listens. You guys, do you have any idea how important this is for me to hear this stuff? Because I've always thought, I mean, I know myself, I'm going to be, it's going to be pretty easy to get one past the kid. You know what I mean? I'm going to be a pushover dad. I know I will, and I don't want to be, I want to be tough, but dude. See, for me, it's all about lessons, lessons, lessons, lessons, lessons. When we come back, TomTom Tunes. So call us right now if you want to play TomTom Tunes. 570-1949 if you want to play TomTom Tunes. We have a TomTom device, and she speaks, and she's going to read the lyrics to songs, and you have to tell us what song it is, and we'll play next. This guy sang in the studio in Dallas. And I remember him in the station kitchen. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. You know what? Really, Blurry? Up your instrument. Yeah, make it rise sometimes. Do you? Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Singer. If we can get into American Idol auditions next year, I will do Trudeau. I promise. Just like that.
Eskimo can go, and I'll do it for Lolo. Love it. I mean, I'm not waiting in any line or anything, but if you can get me in, I'll go. You'll wait all day. I'm not driving to friggin' L.A. like I did for a wipeout and never get a call back. You have to. Maybe it was the stupid jerseys and headbands. Yeah, do it, I tell you. Maybe. Do I? Yeah. If you do what I tell you, it'll work. Yeah, like it works with Wipeout? Yeah. You didn't do what I told you. I did exactly what you told me. You didn't. I did exactly. If I tell you something, you do the opposite because you don't like, kid don't like, be told what. I did what you said for Wipeout. You can't just be yourself in this show. They want you to do the kooky dance and the sprinklers. How kooky was that? Oh, not as kooky as these people that are on. I watched the first two episodes. They are out of their gourds and they're getting killed. I saw an episode, and I was like, thank you, Lord, that they didn't pick us. I would have died. It's pretty tough. It's hard. This season has changed. They are actually hitting these people in the face as hard as they can with a bat. I mean, it's like this thing spinning around, and they swing out, and they come in, and you see the girl hit, and her face hits so hard, and she comes out kind of smiling, but kind of cuckoo. Let's do this. You may think with songs you're super. You recognize them right away.
Let's do it. It's Tom Tom Tunes. My favorite. And the point of Tom Tom Tunes is, well, okay, I hear the lyrics, but what is she saying? What song is that? It's good to be back, Mikey. Haven't seen you in a while. You haven't heard from me either, Mikey. How have you been? I've been adequate. Adequate means, you know, for her, she's a machine. So adequate means good in our world. Basically. Yeah. Any romance? Nothing on the horizon. Thank you for bringing it up, Mikey. I didn't mean to hit a soft spot with you. Let's do this. Are you ready to do this, Tom Tom Girl? I'm ready, Mikey. How old are you, Tom Tom Girl? That's not actually polite for a female. You're not supposed to ask even a Tom Tom device how old she is. That's correct, Mikey. How much do you weigh?
Also not appropriate to ask me my weight in ounces. I know from looking online, 2 pounds, 3 ounces. That's a big Tom Tom girl. Put a little weight on since we started the show. Tom Tom girl, I'm sorry. Do you just want to roast me up real good, Mikey? We're playing for Ozo Motley tickets. That's today's prize. Ozo Motley tickets? Yes. M1 Ryan from North Park. You there? Good morning. You will have 20 seconds. And all I need is title or artist in order for you to win. If you know what the song is at any time, just yell out your name and I'll come to you. Here we go. In my eyes, indisposed in the sky as no one knows, hides the face, lies the... Go ahead, Ryan. Black Hole song. Yes, sir. That is correct. Indisposed. Oh, that's good. Everything he's done is great. Hang on the line, Ryan. You're going to see Ozo Motley. Hang on. Not bad, Tom Tom girl. Thank you, Mikey. What are you doing later today? I might be updating my firmware software. Wow. How about that, Woodsy? Yeah. Update her firmware. I love firmware. That's what she did say. Doesn't have the same comedic timing, though.
And one ninja from Claremont. You there? I am here. All right. You'll get 20 seconds. If you know the song from the lyrics, I need you to yell your name out as loud as you can. Okay? Okay. You get 20 seconds starting now. Oh, that dress so scandalous and you know another dude cannot handle it. Ninja? That is the song song. Oh, wow. Wow. That's correct. Scandalous. Now we're a pillar of American culture with the thong song, aren't we? I may have requested that at an old friend's wedding. I do not want to talk to you anymore, Mikey. Oh, I love that song.
The thong song. She was really upset that I requested it because her grandmother was there. Was this when Mikey drank a little bit? Yes. Yes, okay. To my defense, she was smoking pot behind the dumpster. At her wedding. At her own wedding. So classy. M1 Ninja, hang on the line. Okay. Winner. M1 Poway Girl. From Poway, how are you? I'm good. How are you guys? I'm good. You are the last contestant this morning with the TomTom Girl. Yeah. You will have 20 seconds, and if you recognize the song, I need you to say your name, Poway Girl, as loud as you can. And all you need to get me is title or artist. You've got 20 seconds starting now. Hey there, Delilah. What's it like in New York City? I am a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty.
Yes, you do. Times Square cannot shine as bright as you. I swear it's true. Hey there, Delilah. Do not you worry about the destiny. That one Pauly girl. That one Pauly girl. Hey there, Delilah. That's correct. Hey there, Delilah. Delilah. Delilah. Delilah. Delilah. Delilah. How do you say it? Dalila Ma. Delilah. Delilah. Delilah. That's what she said. Delilah, right? Delilah. There's no difference in what I'm saying and what you're saying. We're saying the same thing. I'm saying Delilah. You're saying... Delilah. Okay, right. It's the same word, I guess. It's just a little different, I guess. Hang on the line there, Poway girl. Thank you. Happy birthday to M1 Spider. Yeah, Justin Lemme. Happy birthday, pal. Happy birthday, pal. Happy birthday. All right. Happy birthday, pal. The world is your oyster. Feast on it. Here we go. Rapid fire news. Here we go. You nervous? Yes. I haven't read any of these.
So, yeah, I'm nervous. You look like you're over there, like, waiting for Mikey to serve. I am. I'm like, come on. Where can I find the music? Yeah. It's like. Where can I find the music that they play in Scarface that goes, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Do you remember that? That music is scary. YouTube. What about YouTube? For rapid fire news with bligs? Wasn't that great? No. It's great. Oh. No. That's not why. You got an idea? I all of a sudden got an image of Al Pacino in that sling. Huh. Yeah, okay. See something shiny? Yeah, I did. I did. I got an image of Al Pacino in that sling, you know, with his face all sweaty, white powder all over his nose. It's a good scene. Go ahead, man. How nervous are you? When he's talking to that cop and the cop is trying his best to talk Tony out of what he knows Tony is going to do. Yeah. And he's trying to reason with Tony. You don't reason with Tony Montana. Well, what was great about it is, is that this guy, you can tell the actor was brilliant. You could tell the actor believed I can.
I can talk him out of this. The scene in the boardroom where he's like, you're no cop, man. You're no cop, man. And he's holding the gun. And the guy's like, Tony. I told him. Tony. I told that guy. I told him. And he's so arrogant and he just knows he's not going to get killed. And he eats a piece of meat or something. He's like, I told him. I told him he shouldn't have done it. Was that Brian De Palma? Yes. That did Scarface. He directs some good movies. What's the matter, Woodsy? Wow. Put an arm into my throat. How come you're wearing Adidas track pants? I'm going to the gym. Okay. That's it. I'm going to the gym. I'm going to hit the treadmill. I'm going to hit a little bench press. I'm going to hit the tanning salon. You know that. Okay. Wow. Maybe the hydro massage table over at Choose Fitness is going to make it right. This is full GTL Jersey Shore kind of day. Yeah, probably not going to do any laundry. Leave that for the missus. That's the only thing that you've left out. What?
The laundry part. He's going to do his laundry and he's going to act like his wife did it. Yes. Make her make dinner, wash the dishes, all that good stuff. Yeah. Which I did last night. Peter Fonda found a dead body in Los Angeles. You guys know that? We talked about it, I think. And where did I have that? Oh, I know where I did. I know what I did. Tell me. Got the 911 call of Peter Fonda. In Los Angeles. A BMW for a week. Why does it matter? Just get over there. You need a description. I just told him what the car is and where it is. Get over there. What's with the questions? It's like talking to your wife. You drive me crazy with that. What? The guy's done this before. Mike, be the 911 guy. I'll be Peter Fonda. You know why I can't? Why? Because I don't.
I'll be the 911 guy. You be Peter Fonda. 911, what's your emergency? Hi, there's a guy in a car right by where I live, and he looks like he's dead. No kidding. What kind of car is it? It's a BMW 550. Okay, what's the license plate on that? C72891. C72891. What color is it? Dark gray. And why do you think this guy's not alive? I have no idea. It just looks like he slumped over the wheel, and that's it. Okay, we're going to have somebody out there right away. What's your location? I'm on West Palmera and Magnolia. Okay. Thank you very much for your call. So we're going to send somebody out there right away. That's great. If you could, would you wait for them to get there? Sure. Okay, great. Thank you. Then I disappear, by the way. Great. Doesn't matter. And they get out there. And they get out there. What's with the questions? Well, maybe they want to see if they have to get ready to contact the family, if they do some due diligence. Or if you were involved. Possibly if the guy was involved. found the vehicle. You got to get somebody out there. Maybe they're trying to keep him on the phone. Not only that, that 911 call could be used as evidence. Right. So anything that you gather could be, and they're probably trained. What if the guy's asking him a million, he's being the Riddler, and this guy's not dead, but he's almost dead. Get somebody out there. He's already sent somebody. He's trying to keep him on the phone. He's displaced somebody already? He's dead. He's displaced somebody. He's dead. What are you going to do? He's dead.
Just send the guy out there. Maybe they want to make sure this guy's not a suspect. They're keeping him on the phone. Any number of things. Catch up to him later. We're going to worry about this guy in the BMW right now. Don't worry about what the 911 operator is doing. Woods gets so irritated. I hate people firing questions at me. Don't riddle me with questions. Why do you hate questions so much? Don't like questions. Why don't you like them? Because I don't like to be riddled. Why? Why? Why? I hate all of these. Just filling out your time card real good? Yeah. Cool. Here at Lincoln Financial, we fill out a time card. Yes. Paper time card. Paper time card. I want to say, you guys, I think we can figure out a way.
To not have to punch the time card. We can streamline something somewhere. Even if it were a digital time card, that might make more sense in 2011. You just approve it? You just say, yep. And it goes right back to them and you're good to go. Good to go. Jay prints off five time cards. Excel spreadsheets. We have to enter the dates. Jay's great with that. If it was up to us, we'd never get paid. I'd never get paid because I never remember. Ever. That's why I do it. We get emailed about it and I still am like, oh yeah. Delete. I used to punch into a time clock. I used to do that. My first gig I did. A couple different jobs I had to do that. Were not fun jobs. No. One of them was at Gaylord Containers. Did Nick work there? You just called it the gay job. All my friends were like... That's the gayest job ever. You're like, yeah, again with the bitch. How many times? How many times with the stupid thing? I think you can say that again because I haven't heard that one in 20 minutes. Those were hard days. Oh, boy. You know, those jokes. You know, it drives me crazy. Did somebody say Gaylord? Yes, Mikey used to work at Gaylord Containers. Is this Gaylord on the line here? It's this gay neck. Also known as Gaylord neck. Well, my real name is Gaylord, but I go by gay. Mm-hmm.
Seems fitting. Well, yeah. I mean, if your name is Richard, they'll call you Dick. Right. If your name is... Steven, they'll call you Steve. Steve, if your name is Jonathan, they call you Joan. Mm-hmm. That's a good point. If your name is Gaylord, they call you Kay. That's true. It works. In eighth grade, they call you that, too, I guess, sometimes if you're me, but... Did it hurt? Cut deep. Oh, wow. It didn't matter, though. It didn't matter because I'm not gay, but, you know, you hear that long. It's just a pain in the butt. Right. Literally. Literally. Oh, I haven't heard that one in a while. Anyway. What are you doing over there today? I'm getting ready to go shopping. For what? I'm buying fabric. For what? For what? I'm making drapes. Yourself? Or you're getting the fabric for your drape maker to make them? Really? My drape maker? Does everyone have a drape maker? No. Is that the deal? Only Mikey, but I don't know. Do I? Don't you? No, he doesn't.
He does. Don't count. He does. I think Mikey does have a drape maker. Yes, I make drapes. Good. Is that your gig or is that just a hobby? It's my full-time job. Oh, that's good. I'm a drape maker. Where did you pick up the art of sewing and doing things like that? I went to a trade school. I was up in the middle of the night and I was watching television and there was a commercial that came on and it was like a Bryman School College kind of thing. Sure. And it was like, have you always dreamt of making drapes? And I had, coincidentally. Interesting. Most men wanted to play baseball or football. I was never into sports. I've never been into sports. I've always been into dance. I've always been into gymnastics and ballet. Figure skating? Leotards. Not leotards. Don't like leotards. And the girls that I date generally like a lot of that stuff, too. Well, so that works out well. Yeah. And they like drapes, I bet. Yeah, I think they like drapes. I have a girlfriend right now, but if I did, she would probably like the drapes that I make. I'm sure. And they're different. They're designer drapes. Oh. Designed by you, though. Mm-hmm. And what I'm trying to do is get them into the more upscale, sort of Z-gallery-type places. Surlatov and whatnot. Surlatov sells kitchenware. Oh, I wouldn't know. Oh. I go to Sports Authority. They're a good paradise.
Well, I go to the sports authority. You're better than me? Yes. Different strokes, I'd say. Yeah, I would say that you're different. Totally different strokes. You do something different than I do. It doesn't make me any less of a man than you. Yes, it does. Fair enough. I have to go. Okay. All right. I try to get good parking before it fills up. There wasn't even a bath that was there. Yes, there was. There was. Yes, there was. I'll be happy to explain it. I'd be happy for you not to. I bet you would. I have to go. Dip it like a pimp. Dip it like a pimp. Jay's trying to get that one to catch on, too. We won't hold you. Get some. We'll let you go. Love your face. Love you. Sweet. He's nice when he says that. Are you guys the people that say to people, okay, I'll let you go when you want to get off the phone with them? No. But you know when I want to get off the phone with them. You do it with your voice inflection. Yep. That's it. Some people are like, all right, well, I'll let you go. Yeah. I'm like, what do you mean? My friends say that when they can tell I quit paying attention to what they're saying. They're like, Jay's not listening anymore. I say, okay. Okay. Not like that. You go, I know Mikey's because he's always getting off the phone with me. He goes, okay. Yep. Some people take that as goodbye. Someone did that to me last night. I was like, okay. And then just nothing on the other end.
That's weird. Do you guys have anybody that – I have a few people that won't let me off the phone no matter how many times. Even if I say, hey, I'm really busy. I got to go. Yeah. Balance like that. Never lets me off the phone. I love my mom more than anybody, but my mom's like that too. What are you doing, babe? Oh, I'm writing a thing for the show. I'm in my office. I'm also cooking dinner, and I am also bathing one of my dogs at the same time. She's like, well, anyway, I went to church this morning and did this. I'm like, holy cow. When you say to Bark Malman, I have to go, what does he say? He says no. Oh, he says no. He'll actually go no. Nah, dude, you're not going anywhere. Whoa. All right. You're being abused. Yeah. You're an abusive phone relationship. I am. He won't let me off the phone. And you'll stay? Yeah, I'll stay. My friend just ignores me. Like a battered woman. He just ignores me and just keeps going. Yeah, most people just ignore me. I'm like, did you not just hear I have to go? Yeah, if I say it, I'm like, all right, well, I should probably go because, yeah, I just said one thing I wanted to ask you and then that one thing turns into 17 things. I can always tell that when I get off the phone with my brother, he's irritated at me. Because he wants to keep talking. Yes. Yeah. And I always end the conversation. He's never, my brother, Steve, has never ended a phone conversation with me. Mikey ends.
Every conversation. Almost as soon as you pick up the phone. Yeah. Mikey will be like, what's up? I'm like, nothing. Sunday, just chilling. No, no, no. Can I explain something? And you tell me, Ella B., if you have this friend. This is what Woods will do. What are you doing? He always starts every conversation with, what are you doing? Which I feel is so insincere. It's not. I'm genuinely interested. He does start it with, what are you doing? And he doesn't care. I think he does care. It's his, like, that's his thing. He has to say, what are you doing? No, I really care. I say to my sister, I go, she'll go, hey, I go, hey, I go, what's up? And then I can tell that, like, we already did, the what's up is the same thing as the hey, and she went through a long time where she go, nothing. And now recently she just won't acknowledge my what's up. She'll just stay silent on the other end. She's conditioned me to drop the what's up. Really? Oh, wow.
Yeah, Mike will go. Well, I'll be driving into work and Woods will go, I'll go, hello? Woods will go, hey, what are you doing? Just on the back nine, bro. Just driving in. Sorry to bother you. Just building a tree house, you know? Yep. Sorry to bother you. My sister got me on the phone. 455, I'm just, you know. My sister got me on the phone yesterday and I was immediately ready to get off the phone. You know, I was like, hey, blah, blah, blah. Did all the stuff we needed to talk about. And she kept me on the phone for another. Four minutes. And I was like, okay, got to get off the phone. Four minutes. Then it turned into a 30-minute phone conversation. I was so, no, no, I was so stoked that she kept me on. She got me through my not wanting to talk, you know, really talk. And then we talked about everything, like stuff we hadn't talked about in a long time. See, yeah. You got friends that talk at you and not to you? Oh, yeah. And I have, what also drives me nuts is the friend that is really, really quiet that you have to keep telling them that you can't hear them. They'll be like, okay. I'm like, sorry, I'm really having a tough. Are you in a bad service area? No, it's fine with mine. And then I'm like... I lose my mind. I also have the friend that has half the conversation with me and half with whoever's in the room. Oh, I can't stand that. That I can't tolerate. I do it. Moms with kids do that all the time. Yeah. I do it. And sometimes you can't tell. Is that person talking to me? You're talking to me? I'll say that to that person. Sorry, are you talking to me? No. No. Why would I be talking to you? Yeah, why would I be? I'm just tying you up on the phone. Yeah, you're on the phone.
My wife, since she started working again, she has the new bit of she gets in the car and she calls me on her way home, which is great because I like to know when she's coming home and I'll have dinner started or whatever. Put your pants back on. Put my pants back on. Absolutely. Shut my laptop. Proceed to tell me about her entire day in the car. Your wife. Yeah, and she does. Now, here's the deal. I do the same. Here's the deal. I love talking to my wife on the phone because I'm a phone guy. I love talking on the phone. But it's that stupid freaking Bluetooth that's – you hear this in the background. Yeah. And then Jenny said the – and I'm like – last night I go, babe, babe, you can tell me all about it when you get home. Just tell me the whole thing and I'll sit and listen the whole bit. I like this. Hey, hon, just want to let you know I'm on my way home. All right, I'll see you when you get here. Love you. Love you, too. Bye. Click. Done. I intend to do that, and then I keep going, even though I'm like, if I'm on my way over to Matt's, I'm like, all right, well, I'm outside now. He's like, why didn't I just wait? Just wait. And the whole time, he's like, this would be better if I could hear you. I'm like, he can hear me. He can't hear you. He's just acting like that. It's so loud. My cell phone is always turned off.
That's the new bit, and I hate it. Dude, it isn't a new bit. Well, you used to pick up a lot more. It's very needy these days. No, no, no. He's vocalized this a lot, and I know. Well, you think it's personal. It isn't you. It's personal. It's not personal. You're going to replace me. No, he was too attached. It was funny. It's a setback. Usually, when people call, there's nothing, you know, pressing. B.S. That's why I'm calling because it's pressing. Is it? Yes. See, you and I used to chat a lot. We don't chat anymore. I'm going to see if I have a message on here from Woods. We used to chat a lot. I don't really leave voicemails. I don't like chatting. Mike and I used to chat a lot. You guys see each other every day. Let's see what my brother. This is my serious brother. I may have to bleep. He doesn't cuss, but who knows what he says. I love that.
Do you see how short and sweet that is? Concise. I love short and sweet. Listen to this from Nita. Perfect. Mine aren't long-winded. I don't like the call me back bit. I'm like, I saw that there's a missed call. I'm going to call you back. Give me some substance to your message. Can I play one of yours, Lauren? Yeah. I don't know what it is. Oh, I know what it is. This is when I got a speeding ticket. Yeah, like a mom. She knows how to stick that knife in real good. Just twist it. She's like...
So I guess somebody learned a real tough lesson today, didn't they? Not so perfect, are you? To my defense, can I play with Mike? I guess you're just being real different. You little cowboy. Yours was all long-winded. Hey, Mike. You swearing that black band around your wrist real good right now? I gave you back the kind of message that you gave me. Let me hear it, if you have it. She deleted it. No, I have it. It's the last time you called her and she's picked up. It's been... It's been a year. It's been a year since I've called and she's gone, hey. She used to answer the phone like this when I called. Elle B would go, what's up, son? All the time. It was so funny. So funny. When I call Elle B, she'll pick up one out of ten times. Yes, one out of ten. She's good. This band is going to be playing at Coachella on Sunday. Not this Sunday. Sunday of Coachella. They're called Sitting in Color.
Wait till I tell you who's going to play Catwoman in the next Dark Knight movie. I'll tell you that. So... Movie scene. This is the last time this 19-year-old kid is going to smuggle cocaine onto this airplane. And he's walking with some real cool big shades on. Onto the tarmac. And everything around him is moving a little bit faster. I picture the desert when I hear this. So do I. Driving through the desert. Yeah. I picture a slow motion crime scene. Well, not crime scene. Scene of the crime. Yeah. Oh, that's good. With a guy coming in with like a donkey mask on, trying to hold up a liquor store. Yeah. And then something goes awry, and then the shop owner starts to shoot him up, and it's just... And it's all slow motion. I like it. Yeah, one shot after the other in the chest. Pretty good. L.O.B. comes up with stuff that is not traditionally chickish. Right.
Jay? I like to think they're driving through the desert. The desert. The desert. The desert. That's number one. The desert. And they're in a convertible, and they're just all laughing and having a good time. Did I not just say that? No, did you say the exact same thing? Sorry, I was taking care of some work over here. I know that's rough for you. How about a young couple? They're on vacation in Costa Rica. Cutting. Pineapples off with machetes. One of them gets scurvy. One of them falls into some quicksand. Yes. To see the hand slowly going down. Wow. I picture 80s Beverly Hills. Kind of like Less Than Zero. I like that. This song would have been great in Less Than Zero. Okay. Now you're talking. I just made it shift. Yep. Woodsy's got it. 1988. Condominium.
Overlooking the lights of Los Angeles, a crystal table with cocaine rails spread out all over. Guy walks into the room and he's wearing white linen pants and a white linen shirt. And he puts a 45 down on the glass and he puts his index finger on the barrel and he starts to spin his index finger. And he spins it, and he's spinning it, and he's spinning it, and he lets it go, and the gun keeps spinning, and there's seven people sitting around the table, and it slows down, and as it slows down, and it stops at one of the guys, right as it stops, and it shocks everybody, right as it stops, the guy grabs it and shoots the guy. Oh, wow. It's hardcore. Yeah, it's a hardcore movie. I like that. It's a hardcore movie. You're not expecting it.
No, I love that scene, though. That's real good. It's always the shocking stuff. You know, speaking of Brian De Palma, right? Right. Earlier, we were speaking of Brian. We were speaking of Brian De Palma. Nothing made me come out of my skin more than in The Untouchables when Robert De Niro is playing. Al Capone, and is walking around that table with that baseball bat. And you just know, you just know something's not going to go right. And you don't know who. You know somebody's going to have a bad day. Enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. And the guy looks, the guy that gets it, he looks at his buddy, he goes, enthusiasm. No, no, he goes, teamwork. Yeah. Teamwork. And he looks at the other guy and then, wha! But he gives that long speech before it. Yeah. And he's walking around the table. And the camera's following him around the table. And everybody at the table believes that the baseball bat is just a prop for a great speech. He's talking about baseball. Inspirational speech. Talking about baseball. About teamwork. Yep. But the last thing they're thinking in the world is that somebody's about to get it. But we as the movie viewer know somebody's going to get it. It's brilliant. It's a great movie, man. Maybe you do that with your Little League team. Yes, maybe. Teamwork. If they don't do what they're told.
Put them at the table. You all go to Shakey's and you walk around the table and go, teamwork. Yeah, teamwork. Enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. May not get invited back next year. Might not. And after my record at the end of the year, I may not get invited back. You've never taught Little League, have you? I coached in Dallas. I've never been a head coach, but I've been an assistant coach. That's cool. We had a decent team. We had a bad team that got a lot better. So I hope we have a good team that gets great. Tomorrow we're going to play Jay, pronounce this. Because as you just heard, Jay sometimes will mispronounce some words. Desert. Desert. The desert. Have you ridden a motorcycle out in the desert? I'll tell you what's hot. I'll tell you what's hot out in the desert is a hot tin roof. Hot tin roof. See a lizard running around. A lizard. Don't fall off the cliff. The cliff. The buzzard. Okay, you're like my three-year-old. Yep, I like that. So we're going to play J pronounce this tomorrow. Same size shirt, though. Same size shirt. I don't know if he knows. Tiny. I like Jasper's shirt. It looks good on you. Yeah, thanks. It looks good. It does. So how are you, Hill? How are you doing? Oh, I'm good. You smell lovely. Thank you. I had one of those mornings where I was like...
I'm actually making, oh, L-O-B, sewing on my sewing machine. Oh, nice. A little dress for my daughter who's about to have a birthday. And I was so caught up in it. Finally looked at the clock. I was listening to you guys. Looked up and went. So I showered and got completely ready and out the door in about 10 minutes. Yeah, my lunch is going to be real interesting today. I just was like grabbing stuff out of the car. Cheese, mayo. That is 30 minutes less time than it takes me each day. 40 minutes to 45. To get ready to come to work. I think I used like two products this morning. Wow, I use way more than two products. He's American Psycho. Yeah, I am. In the shower. I am. Have you ever seen American Psycho? No, but I read the book when it came out. So did I. Remember how weird he was about the products? That's my favorite part of the book. I do. It'd be like eight pages of him describing exfoliating. It's the great. I'm going to read that again this week. Don't. I'm going to. Please don't. Oh, I'm going to.
I love it. He's one of my favorite authors. Christian Bale, isn't that who plays? Yes, and he is brilliant. Yeah, he does a great job. He loses weight for every role these days. Yeah, I'll have to rent it. That's why I couldn't be an actor. Watch it with my little girl. You'd be typecast. That's right. Hill, what do you got coming up? Well, you know this new Cage the Elephant album just came out. It's the number two selling record in the country. They listen to a lot of Pixies, among other things, while they were making it. So there's this song on it that I'm going to play in about 10 minutes that sounds so much like the Pixies. But they're kind of, admit, they're owning it. Yeah. Like Nirvana. We're paying homage to our influences. I also got the new Social D, Everest, some Ramones. It'll be good. There you go. Lovely and talented Hillary is coming up next. We'll see you again tomorrow morning at 6. And we're hoping our Sienna will be back with us. And we'll do that tomorrow. Mike shows out.