The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 01/25/11

0:04Still? Still all the way in. What does that mean still? I mean, you're still all the way in? I don't know. You're still in on Stairway to Heaven? 100. Me too. You know why? It's a classic. I will credit L.O.B. with introducing me to one of my favorite things ever. It's so catchy. So is herpes. Yeah, but herpes isn't any fun. It's bad catching. This is a good time. This is a good time. This is a good time. The journey is pretty fun, I guess. I wonder what your... I love the psychology, and we've talked about it before, but one day I'll interview you again. It'll have to be when we're driving somewhere and we have some time, and you can break down for me, like, why... Why what? Why something appeals to you, why something doesn't appeal to you. I don't know.

1:45It's appealing. But, like, for me, need my chicken, touch my body. I mean, that stuff, to me, just tickles me. Love that, too. Love it. Tickles me. Love that. Yeah, this. That, to me, I'm like, what? Funny? Yeah. A couple times. To me, it is. A couple hundred times. To me, it's both funny and absurd. Yes. To me, it look like a level coming to me. Now, that's funny. I do look up in a tree. Who else is a level? I think we're closer to liking something for the same reasons than we realize, Woods. You like, to me, it looked like a leprechaun to me because that dude's for real. It's real. And I love it for that reason, too. In fact, I introduced you to me, it looked like a leprechaun to me. Yes. And I love Trilolo because he's not kidding either. Right. So we're kind of, you know. We're getting there. Yeah, we're kind of in that. We're starting to, you know.

2:46We may have a peace treaty. Mind melding. We may have a peace treaty soon. Yeah, I mean, I'll never get horse and buggy and all that stuff and sit on your whatever. Sit on you. Sit on you? It's okay. I just don't get it. I'm not bright enough, I don't think. That isn't a bright thing. I like jokes about boobs and stuff. I was listening to a dude this morning talk about boobs driving in on Sirius, and I was dying laughing. And that'll get me, too. You know, that'll get me too. In fact, I think all the stuff you think is funny is funny. The reason that I love the Tim and Eric stuff is because it's presented to adults. Yeah, it's just so weird. And it's weird. And it's presented to adults, but it's really childish. And that's what's funny to me about it. I dig you. Let's see. I'm Mikey. My actual name is Mike, but I was saddled with the name Mikey. Back in 1995 and was presented with the idea, turned the idea down, and then the program director let me know that it wasn't a suggestion. Always fun. That's right. And so credit to Greg Stevens, program director. Someone first suggested it. That's how fast he talked. Meetings, and I'm not kidding, meetings.

4:10two hours now. Oh, brutal. I bet you sat very patiently and kindly throughout the whole meeting. Different time. Different Michael. Different time, different Michael. What were some of the things you would do? Sienna, you would have been so upset with me. You're a completely different person. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You would have been so upset with me during meetings. What would you do? With that program director. I would... I would... pantomime various ways of killing myself. Since that's, you know, appropriate for grownups to do. Right. And you know what his tactic was? Same thing you do with a child. Ignore it. Ignore him. Oh, yeah. He would ignore you. Oh, yeah. That's unbelievable to me. The only people that would laugh were the people on the morning show. Everyone else would try to stifle their laugh. It was so disrespectful. It was so wrong. Everything about it was wrong. Funny, though. It's funny. Obviously, it's a joke. You do jokes for a living. It's a joke. But he was serious at the same time. Yeah, there's always a little bit of seriousness. Well, of course.

5:22Poor guy. Imagine having a meeting and you're like, you know, you hate talking in front of people. And he's just like, oh. Your morning show guy's giving himself lethal injection in front of you. Hanging himself with a rope. I know. Overdose of pills. Every way you could think of. And he would go, and I'm sure Mike will be thrilled about this, but one more thing. And I would go, oh. Oh, wow. Out loud? Yeah. Just kidding. It's just a bit. It's just a bit. And I go, oh, my gosh. Kill me. Oh my gosh. And then this was the worst. Because this next thing I did on the air, I did this on the air and it was, I would never do this now. So why am I telling you about it? So I can do it. He was so soft spoken and it would take so long to talk that I started to do this thing where I would call my answering machine.

6:25And I would leave messages on my answering machine as him, pretending to be him. For yourself? For yourself? Yeah. And then on the air, we would call and we'd be like, let's check my answering machine and see who's on it. And it would be him. And it would be like, and it was always the same bit. Don't know why, but the bit was that he'd had enough of me. I wonder why. And was ready to off himself and that... Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait. And that he was completely wasted. Oh. So he was calling to vent. Yeah. So it would sound like this. This is Greg. It's Greg. Hi. I said it's Greg. And you want to know what? I can't even stand your face. I can't even send your face. And I am in a parking garage. And I have a humoism muffler. And I put it in a backseat. I love it. You took it over. I love it. I want you to know I can't send you. But what's better than that? I have to deal with you. I love it.

7:55I love it. How did he feel about all this? He said he thought it was very funny. There you go. They're good sports. He knows what he's doing. Garrett's a good sport. We, you know, break his balls a little. Garrett is a good sport. Man, your program director is all the way down the line. Got it. There was a whole song about Shauna being late to work. Remember that? That's great. That's great. They're usually good sports. You know, they have to be. Yeah. Deal with. people like us. She didn't like it. She didn't like it. You know what, though? And I really apologized to her because when I found out that she really didn't like it, I thought it was fun times. We had a whole fully produced game that we played every day that had these lyrics. It was a whole song. And the whole idea behind it was, is she at work yet? Because she always showed up like she was now. Way late. Late, you know? Yeah. I mean, if the shoe fits, I mean, if you're late, you're late. You're going to take some. She didn't want anybody to know. But here was the thing. Here was the thing. She was a very good program director. And so the reason I felt comfortable doing it was because she's a good program director. I didn't think she would get upset with it. It's like, well, what's the scoreboard? Right. Yeah. You know, if the scoreboard were low and she was showing up to work late, I get it. Right. But she was a good program director. Yeah. And so I didn't think that it bothered her. Well, you know, years later.

9:11Years. It was. It was. One of my favorite games. You know, we've been playing it for a couple of years. And she goes, that actually kind of makes me look bad to my bosses. And so we stopped. She would just show up on time. Yeah. It would make her get up and be like, oh my gosh, she had to stop and get her coffee. Yeah. And, you know, I just thought it was harmless. That makes me look bad. Maybe you show up on time. I can't believe that. I can't believe you're yelling at me because I was late. To her credit, she stayed all the way until 3 o'clock each day. She's awesome. I'm not talking any smack. Me either. I'm not. Me either. You're friends with her. You can still mess around. Because he'll get her on the phone and go, I was just playing with you. I was just kidding. Shut up. It was wood. It wasn't even me. It was wood. Listen to that hick. Maybe you just don't mention me at all. That would be nice if you just did that. That would be really great. And you can tell Mikey that he can shove it. Immediately. Sounds just like her. He can shove it right away and don't stop shoving it.

10:26I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. Woodsy is our sports guy. He's 35. Lauren O'Brien back in the saddle again. Yeah. And sitting next to Woods. And that's a good sign. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a good sign. Kind of has to be here. No? Yeah. I have to, so. There was a rose in Lauren's spot this morning. Did you like the rose that he left you? It was in my way. I just sort of. Tossed that way. No. We'll tell you why there might have been. I'm uncomfortable. Any kind of issue between L.O.B. and Woods. I can't look at her. And we're going to do that at 7. I'm a nice person. Me too. Well, I have a surprise. I have a whole song that I produced just about your situation. Really? Look at you. Lighten the mood. Yeah, lighten the mood. Just put salt right in it. Pour vinegar and whiskey and rye in there. It happened later in the show. And so later in the show yesterday, so we'll have to explain to you why there might be some animosity. Might have been. Sienna is our news girl. She is 25 years old and she's got a little baby named Sage who is five months old. On Friday. Another interesting fact about Sienna. Sienna is prone to wearing cabbage bikinis. 100%. Cabbage in a bra. That makes my mouth water. She says it helps with pre.

11:51Pregnancy engorgement. Post-pregnancy. Yeah. Breast engorgement. And you are engorged. Thanks, Jay. Jay is our producer. And you are engorged. He's 47. And have you made an official decision as to whether or not you're going to shave your head? I don't know. His head is shaved now. And have you made a decision whether you're going to grow it back or whether you're going to leave it the way it is? This is what I'm thinking. I'm going to let it kind of grow just a little longer to see what it does and see how it looks. But I do like it like this now. I'm getting used to it. I love it. Yep. Let me take it all the way down. Our phone screener today is Will. It's Will. It's Will. So when you call 570-194-9, he is the enchanting voice that you will hear on the other end. The word of the day is tulip. Oh. Yeah. The word of the day is tulip. And so you will hear me say that word between now and 10. And when I do, caller number nine, we'll get a pair of concert tickets to see Rush coming to Cricket Wireless. Wow.

12:53And those tickets are worth a lot of dollars. Holy heck. And a pair of angel or anarchy sunglasses, depending on if you're a chick or a dude. I want to go to that show and count the women there. I bet you it's under 1,000. Yeah, there's six women. You just want to go there and do air guitar and air hair. I would play the most air drums you've ever seen. I'm going to that show. I just decided. I've never seen them and I want to see them. Rush is a guy band. Most women don't really. I'm going to take my wife. She is going to hate it. Why would she go? She hates Rush. Acid Dudes is at 7, so ladies, get ready to ask me, Jay, and Woods anything you want. Ted Williams, the golden-voiced former homeless guy, has left rehab early on his own. Right? Yeah. He went against medical advice. And just 12 days after he checked in. Now, he checked in because on Dr. Phil's show, he admitted, yes, I have still been drinking. Although when he first came out and we all saw the YouTube video, he said, you know, I've been clean for two years. He met his mom. He told his mom he was clean, you know. And that was very emotional. And he went to rehab for 12 days. Did they say where he went? Nope. No idea where he is. He left after 12 days. My gut says that he will be back in Cleveland.

14:14Or is that where he was? Columbus. He'll be back in Columbus and he'll be back on the streets because that's what he wants. And that's who he is. And that's who he is. But he's just going to turn away from the job offers that he got, the cavaliers and the house that they provided him? Yeah, because I think that he is such an addict that the drug, and in this case I think it's alcohol, is more important than all the other stuff. And I've been there. I've been there. I've been, you know, I've been to rehab. And, you know, my dad, like I told you guys, my dad told me I had to make a choice. You know, he wasn't going to talk to me until I stopped drinking. And I love my dad so much and was so close to my and still am now close to my dad. But when he said that, I didn't talk to him for a couple of months because I was like. If you're going to put that, you know, you're going to put some ultimatum on me or blah, blah, blah. And what I was really knowing deep down in my gut was I can't stop drinking. So it doesn't matter what he said to me or what anybody said to me. Like if it's drinking or whatever else, I can't stop drinking. So that 12 days must have been killing him. You know, the tough part is, is getting yourself.

15:38through those days, you know, because those days are so hard. You want to drink so bad. It's like when you're addicted to alcohol, it's like you are drowning and you're out of breath and you just need to come up to the surface and go, you know, you know that feeling that you get when you're just, you've held your breath as long as you can and your body's starting to shake and you're panicking. That's what it feels like when you're with going through withdrawal. Yeah, this story broke, you know, and I said it on the air. I said, man, I just hope you don't hear about this guy, you know, falling off the wagon. I hope he really is clean. I hope he can handle the fame and success. You've really almost never seen an example of somebody handle it worse, you know, to have so much thrown at him. And I think that had a lot to do with it. You know, now had the guy in Columbus said, hey, man, I'll give you a gig. make $50,000 a year or whatever. He wasn't flying around doing Good Morning America and Extra and all this crap. Maybe he would have had a shot. I don't think the guy had a shot from the get-go. I really don't. To me, it isn't the fame. To me, the fame didn't... I think it couldn't have helped. It's not going to help the situation. Maybe, but I'm just... I don't know. For whatever reason, I'm not a prescriber of it. I'm prescribed to the school of thought that being on television...

17:00That makes an addict, you know, the guy's an addict. Yeah, straight up. The guy's addicted to alcohol. And so it is what it is. But it's like you just hand him a golden ticket. Here's a house. Here's rehab. Here's everything you need, you know. Here's a job. And you still can't turn it around. It's so sad. It's addiction. Here's what you got to realize. People drink. Okay, I transferred my addiction. I used to. My addiction used to be food and I was really, really overweight. So I had surgery. I had gastric bypass surgery. So I transferred the addiction from food, which made me feel good instantly when I ate, which is why I was fat. I transferred it from food to alcohol. Now, there's a reason that you eat or that you drink. You're trying to soothe. You're trying to self-medicate. has occurred in your life and it's either one thing or it's an accumulation of things a bunch of stuff has happened in your life that has caused you such tremendous pain that rather than face it and clean it and heal it it's easier to be wasted and being wasted you think feels good you know and so that's what it is now that he's my guess is 12 days into rehab

18:26They were forcing him to really take a look at all the stuff. Yeah. They were forcing him to take a look at the people that he's jacked over, which caused him extraordinary pain in rehab to start facing the people he's jacked over in his head. The guilt. Yeah. And what he is used to doing whenever he does think about that stuff and it starts to make him cry is to drink. He couldn't. in rehab. They need you to face it. He couldn't do it. Such a shame. He couldn't do it. Talented dude. Very talented man. He's got to want it. He's got to be stronger than his addiction. You have to want it. He wasn't ready, man. Dr. Phil was like, you're going to rehab. I don't want to go. He's like, you're going. I don't want to quit drinking. Yes, you do. I'm not done. You're going to rehab. You're going. Doctor. You're going to rehab. And I said right now. I don't want to. You're going. I'm going to drink instead. You're going to rehab. I said it. And you're going to do it. I'll take old fashion. I feel bad laughing. I'll take an old fashion. Nobody's had an old fashion since 1944. That's my drink.

19:54Well, what are you going to do? I feel so terrible for him. That's terrible. I hope he... No one knows where he is now. Great. Yeah. Dude. I'll tell you where he is probably. Ohio? Yeah. Columbus, trying to make a ride. Well, his rehab was in Texas, so... He's under an overpass somewhere. Yeah. I wonder. I hope not. Check the watering hole somewhere. Oh, boy. Yeah. Hey, the Oscar nominees were announced this morning. Yeah. What do we got, Sienna? I'm going to start with Best Actor. All right. James Franco, Colin Firth, Javier Bardem. Now, wait, wait, wait. Can you tell us for what movies? Or do they not say? I can try. The stupid Wall Street Journal doesn't say. Stupid people. No, I'll get a better one. Do it. Mike, I'll hand it to you. All right. The highlights are the categories. We know them. And I'll try and find a better one. All right. Best Actor, James Franco. 127 Days. Great movie. Oh, yeah. Colin Firth. The King's Speech. Yeet. Javier Bardem. Beautiful.

20:54Jeff Bridges. True Grit. I found a much better one. Let's do it. I'll be able to help you. All right. I was kind of liking that game. I'm going to go back to actor. You're just killing it. Javier Bardem. Beautiful. Beautiful. Jeff Bridges. True Grit. Jesse Eisenberg. The Social Network. Good. Colin Firth. The King's Speech. And James Franco was... 127 days. Well done. Now, I have heard that they're saying that if Javier Bardem does not win Best Actor for this... that it's ridiculous. Because I haven't seen the movie, but from what I've heard, he gives like a lifetime performance. Really? Like a performance that only happens once in a person's life. Wow. Isn't that your favorite director that did that? Yeah. And it's in the movie Beautiful. Beautiful. Spelt differently. Yeah, the guy that directed Amores Peros and Babel and 21 Grams. Best Actress nominees, Annette Bening.

21:49No idea. The kids are all right. Nicole Kidman. No idea. Rabbit Hole. Jennifer Lawrence. No idea. Winter's Bone. Great movie. Natalie Portman. Black Swan. Michelle Williams. No idea. Blue Valentine. Never heard of it. I haven't seen any of this. Man, I saw Black Swan. I saw Winter's Bone and it is good. Wow. We're going to talk about that later, Jay. Best Supporting Actor. Christian Bale. The Fighter. No, no, no. The Mechanican, right? No, The Fighter. The what? The Mechanican. He did that 18 years ago. Is that a word? The fighter, sorry. Yeah. The fighter. John Hawks, Winter's Bone. Never heard of him. He's phenomenal in that movie. Jeremy Renner. Oh, yeah. The Town. I watched it yesterday. How freaky was he? It's amazing, that movie. He's the guy with the tattoo on his neck? Yes. Oh, he scared me. He's great, isn't he? Mark Ruffalo. The Kids Are Alright. The Kids Are Alright. Jeffrey Rush. The King's Speech. Best Supporting Actress. Amy Adams. No idea. The Fighter. The Fighter. Helena Bonham Carter. Yeah. Some Tim Burton movie. Yeah, she's always in Tim Burton movies. The King's Speech. Melissa Leo. The Fighter. Haley Steinfeld. True Grit. Jackie Weaver. Animal Kingdom.

22:58Now you guys want to know Best Picture? Yes. Now there's more nominees for Best Picture. I think there's 10. There's 10. Yeah. Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are Alright, The King's Speech, 127 Hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, and Winter's Bone. Good movies this year. I've seen one of 10. One. Really? Winter's Bone. Inception you've seen? Nope. You haven't? No, you won't watch it. Clowns oversold. I saw Toy Story 3. Was it good? It was all right. Best Picture? That's weird. I mean, it's, you know, Toy Story, all three of them were great. You've got a friend in me. It was the last one, and so it's special. If something is nominated for Best Picture, I'll see it. Yeah. And that, I mean, animated movies are not nominated for Best Picture very often. This is like the fourth time or something like that. But I think instead of Toy Story 3, it should have been How to Train Your Dragon. That was a great movie. That was such, trust me, watch it. Not a nerd. I think it was on here for something. For best cartoon, right? Animated feature, How to Train Your Dragon, and Toy Story 3 made that. And now the nominees for best cartoon for a grown-up. You guys, it was good. And now the nominees for best grown-up.

24:16Cartoons. Eyeballs during How to Train Your Dragon. Now the nominee for Grow Up, Peter Pan. You guys are so good. Now the award for most cynical. Yeah. Then the award goes to Mikey, Woodsy, and L.O.B. The three-way tie. It's a three-way tie. Accepted. There's some really good. Films on that list. Really? You're going to go films on us? I'm going to go film on you. There's some really great motion pictures. Yeah, there's some great films. Flicks. Some great pictures. Stories. Winter's Bone's really good if you guys haven't seen. It's gritty. Social Network is great. Got it at the crib. We still have some great stories. Full day. I mean, full, full, full day today. Oh my gosh, I'm looking at what we got coming up. What a show today. I can't wait. Today's a four-hour show. I know. I mean, right there. Half an hour from now, we're going to tell you all about why L.O.B. was getting... She's not even looking at Woods. Nuh-uh. She won't look at me. Why L.O.B. was getting texted by Woods yesterday hundreds of times. Yeah. You owe me money for my cell phone, though. Do I? And we also have to tell you some big, big stuff about why you're going to be paying more money here in San Diego.

25:55All of us. Welcome back. Sienna, what's going on in news? Well, I mentioned it at this time yesterday. The San Diego City Council was meeting yesterday on whether or not the water rates were going to be increasing. On the cover of the Union Tribune today, they will be increasing. San Diego City Council approved 6.4% increase, bringing the typical bill, water bill, to $72. Yeah, maybe build a stadium. Maybe save the money out and build a stadium. Maybe we can all use a little less water and we don't have to worry about it. Well, I'm sure you can imagine people are losing their minds. And their money. Yeah, a lot of money. Also, oops, not that story. If you haven't heard, Rahm Emanuel. This is a great story. Yes. He was kicked.

27:23off of the ballot to run for Chicago mayor. Now, in case you don't know, he stepped down as President Obama's chief of staff last fall so that he could run for mayor. And now because he was living in Washington for so long, he doesn't qualify under they have rules. You have to live in Chicago for a certain amount of time or any city that you're going to run for mayor in. Maybe he finds that stuff out before he quits. His chief of staff job. He's supposed to be protected. When you're in that sort of office, you're supposed to be protected. Really? Yeah, but because he rented his house out or something is what it came down to. Do you want to work at Lowe's now or what's he going to do? I don't know. Well, Illinois appeals court kicked him off and they ruled two to one that he didn't meet the residency requirements. He was, you know, the front runner, too. Oh, yeah. You know, the elections in a month. Bill Clinton came and campaigned for him. Oh, yeah. And he went through two other separate courts before that two-to-one ruling that were like, oh, yeah, he's a resident. Like, this is ridiculous. That ruled in favor of him. And then they just kept taking it higher and higher to the appeal. Do you think that he's going to be like, hey, what's up, B? Don't even ask. I know, but just hear me out, B.

28:33I didn't know that this was going to go down the way it did. Not my problem, fella. I think if Obama can be president without a birth certificate, this guy will be all right. Oh, boy. What's going on in sports? Well, the San Diego State Aztecs, man, 20-0. They moved up to number four in the basketball polls. And they were helped out last night by the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, who upset the number two team in the country, the Pittsburgh Panthers. And that's really good for San Diego State. What is with the look? What look? That look. Oh, that was a top story on ESPN. I gave you a look. Anytime I mention Notre Dame. Anytime you mention Notre Dame. You give me a look. Yeah, and let me check your facts. You just said that that's the number one story. No, no, I said it was a top story on ESPN. I said it was a top story on ESPN. No, Woods. Check it out. This is the biggest story of the day, Notre Dame. It's one of them. One of them. Because it helped San Diego State. They knocked out an undefeated. You said.

29:30And I quote. It was a top story. It was the number one. No, I said it was a top story. You need to listen to the podcast. Okay, let's do that. Can we bet on it, though? Yeah, yeah, for sure. I said it was a top story. Let's bet $100. Oh, boy. You said it was the number one story. No, I didn't. I just want $100. Okay, wait, wait, wait. You said it was the... I said it was a top story. Okay, then here's the bet. We have $100 writing on it. $100? You believe that you said it's a top story. Yes. I believe you didn't. Okay. That's all the bet is. Okay. What we'll do is, during the next commercial break, we will pull the tape. Yes. And we will play back for you, with a drum roll, what the answer is. I just won $100. Now, let's write it down. Woods, because Woods will go, hang on, dude. He's a slippery cat. I said, he's a slippery cat. Okay, Woods, I'm writing it down. Woods says, A, top story. It was a top story on ESPN.

30:29Okay. Which it was. And it is. And I say you did not. Okay. Deal. That's all it is. So you could have said anything other than that. All right? Wow. That's kind of weak of you because you're now saying that that story didn't have. See, what I don't want to do is I don't want to paint myself into a semantics corner. Right. And I can't. Which you already have. Well, I haven't. Because if you check my facts, my facts are right. Well, I'm on ESPN.com right now, and the top story is Bears quarterback Cutler has sprained MCL. Obviously, and we're going to cover that in Woods on Sports 730. Second story is Brady unanimous choice for AP's all-pro team. Correct. Third story that I can't give out yet. Fourth, the Notre Dame story. Okay. That's a top story. Okay. All right. Now, we'll see if you said that it was a top story. We will.

31:29Also former University of Southern California tailback, Stephon Johnson, the guy he was lifting weights when he dropped the weight bar on his throat. Well, he is now suing the University of Spoiled Children. And he is saying that they were negligent. And the trainer that was in there wasn't really paying attention when he was lifting weights. And it was the trainer's fault. So he is now suing University of Southern California. Ask the dudes at 7. Go Irish. And, Woodsy, I cannot get out of paying you this $100. Right. If I lose the bet, I have to explain to my wife why I'm withdrawing $100. Yes. If you lose this bet, you've got to explain to your wife. No, I don't. Okay. Oh, that's right. You guys have separate accounts. Kid does what he wants. But one way or another, we will pay up on this bet. Deal. Okay. Can you pull the tape, LLB?

32:31Hey, our friend is on TV right now. Our friend Whitney is on TV because of a benefit going on for some friends of ours that have a little girl that has cancer. And so I want to play it. Angelina turns one year old. All right, let me back up. Let me back up. Burn for the benefit. You can just leave that for a while if you want. On the screen is all these girls working out. There is a benefit coming up. It's February 5th coming up as well. It's called Burn for the Benefit. And we spoke earlier to the owner, Amy Mewborn. And this has to do with a little girl by the name of Angelina. And, in fact, today, a timely event, Angelina turns one year old. And I want to bring Amy in. And I believe, yeah, Whitney, come on in. Whitney, hi there. Good morning. Good morning. Can I pull the curtain back? Yeah. When I thought that Sienna was working at Clear Channel and I couldn't have her, I asked Whitney if she would consider doing this job. Really? Yeah. And Whitney was like, I've never done the news before. She's from Arkansas. She's from Arkansas. I love her to death. She's awesome. She's real funny. She's hysterical. That makes my mouth water.

33:53And I said, and I said, I know. And I was worried about that. And I was real upfront with her. I said, I wanted this girl named Sienna, but she works for the competition and I can't bring anybody from the competition. And so, you know, I'm thinking about, I said, this is just an idea. And she goes, I'll do it. She's on TV right now. She's awesome. Let's talk a little bit about Angelina. Yeah. What's going on? Well, Angelina, it's her birthday today. So happy birthday, Angelina. But at nine months old, Angelina was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, a neural blastoma wrapped around her little spine. So, yeah, we're just, as her friends and family, want to support the family and ask you guys to come out and help them out. Yeah. So what exactly is burn for the benefit, Amy? Let's talk a little bit about what kind of benefit. And that's very nice of you to open up your studio to raise money for Angelina, Team Angelina. Well, Angelina and Amy, they're part of our family. Amy's worked with Xtend. She's one of my neighbors, just been a great friend for years. And we're doing the Xtend Bar Carmel Valley Grand Opening on Saturday, February 5th, 6 to 9. It's open to the public. We're going to be doing a silent auction.

35:10Food, drinks, dancing, and just want everyone to come and have a great time, support a cause. Woods, did they ask you to be part of that? No, they asked me to do, we did the one thing, which was the benefit that we did for Team Angelina. We did the emceeing when I got to hang out with all the baseball players, which is pretty rad. They asked me to do something else for their school. Okay, but that doesn't have to do with Angelina. I don't think it has to do with Team Angelina. Okay. and help a little girl that could really use a little bit of help. Absolutely, and it's always tough at nine months old to be given such a tough start at life. She turns one year old today. Today is her birthday, so yeah, we have some Team Angelina cookies, and she's going to be celebrating her birthday with those tonight. How's she doing right now? She's undergoing some chemo. She just finished her last round of chemo last week, and right now she's not having the best days. She's feeling a little under the weather, but she's doing good. She's a fighter. She's a spunky little girl. And we're all super excited. We have been showing some pictures, I believe. She's a beautiful little girl. She is. She's a doll. Gorgeous little girl. Yeah. And her personality just totally matches. It does. Yeah. Yeah. Aw. Well, talking a little bit, we're showing the ladies in the background. We've been here all morning long. Extend Bar. So we're up here in Carlsbad. You have a grand opening in Carmel Valley. Where is that located? So that is at 3422 Trip Court, Suite C. There you go.

36:32That's cool. That's cool. Little Angelina is so sweet. She looks just like her mommy and daddy blended together. The sweetest thing. Yeah, Woodsy and I, the same day, my wife and I were in church, and Rebecca felt her phone buzz, looked at her phone, just started crying, and I was like, what is going on? And I followed her outside. She said, they had just found out. They thought she was sick. It was Halloween night. It was the night that Sienna's parents had a party, and we were on our way over to there. And we found out, too. We were just devastated. And we've talked about it on the air, because Woods and I, that's where the famous story happened with Woods and Mike Sweeney. When we went to Children's Hospital, and Woods asked Mike Sweeney, who plays for the Phillies, do you play baseball? Mike Sweeney goes, yeah, I do. Woods goes, SDABL, right? And Mike Sweeney goes, what is that? Woods goes, the San Diego Adult Baseball League. And he goes, no, I'm Mike Sweeney. I play for the Philadelphia Phillies. Common mistake. Common. One of my crowning achievements. Yeah. It's great. It's great. Idiot. So.

37:5315 minutes from now, ask the dudes also what happened between L.O.B. and Woods yesterday. We will also rewind the tape and find out if Woods said that the Notre Dame thing was... He says that he said on the air it was a top story, and I say he did not say that. Fresh bill coming my way. He said that it was something much bigger. No, I didn't. You said it was either the top story. No, you just said I didn't, so we'll just leave it at that. Okay. Backtracker. Oh, wow. Don't backtrack. We are taping, right? We are taping. Oh, yeah. We're taping real good. Fresh bill. You're dead, man. Coming my way. Coming my way. You're dead. Just tell Rebecca on her way up here she can just stop at the cash machine and just grab it out on her way up because she's going to be up later. Either that or we'll send Will out with your ATM card and your pin number. Well, if I have to pay you, we've got to wait until payday. Payday. That's fine. No, it's Friday, so I think we're in good shape.

38:52Oh, and you will pay it. Will I? Won't you? Will I? Of course I will. I pay my bets. I pay all my bets. Do I? Anyway. What is wrong with this guy? It's great, dude. I'm just trying to adopt a kid. Oh, yeah. You're really going to make me pay $100? I'm just trying to adopt a kid over here. I'll pay you because I know I'm right. Incorporator at 730. Woodsy's calling a 99 cent store today. And guess whose voice he's using? Who? Creepy Uncle Jay. Oh, my God. Couldn't find a... Creepy Uncle Jay. Couldn't find a better fit for Jay Isabel than the 99 cents. It's home away from home. You got that right. We have some good stuff in there. Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, the whole bit. Jay, I said that we were going to talk about this. Jay's our producer. He's 47. Jay's 47, father of four. Yes. The youngest is seven years old. The oldest is 22. Well, he watched... the movie Black Swan with his wife and his 19 or 20? 20. 20-year-old daughter, Liberty. Okay, they watched the movie Black Swan. Apparently, Black Swan has got some very graphic. Like I had no idea. Girl on girl, right? Is that what it is? There is girl on girl. Unbelievable. I was like, am I watching porn? Because it was like that. And you didn't know. I had no idea. You had no idea.

40:20here's the deal we get to kim gets the movies at home so we get to watch it at home because she's a member of sag and she's voting on the movies and blah blah blah so we're sitting on this little tiny couch watching it on our on the computer because that's where it is right oh my god i was squirming i was going this way i was like oh did you did you say anything do you say anything or do you just pretend i kind of elbowed Awkward. Oh, wow. And there's, like, another scene, too, that's just like, oh, my God. I've got a whole new respect for Natalie Portman, though. Oh, hello, hello. Oh. Write that down, maybe. So uncomfortable when he does it. So would that be something that if Kim were watching it with Liberty, would they be uncomfortable? Is it different with a mom? Oh, it's awkward no matter what. It's worse with your dad, but it's still worse with your mom. Even with your mom? Yes.

41:16I feel like with your mom, if it was a girl and her mom, they could be like, oh, this is like, oh. I would say, yeah. Although Liberty just tells me, just grow up. I'm like, I'm pretty grown up. But that was extreme. I'm 107. Liberty said, just grow up. Yeah, she said, just grow up. And I was like, oh. Wow. Maybe you leave. Let me fast forward and rewind a few times. She's like, I am an adult. Maybe I paused this. Oh. Yeah. Wow. That's disgusting. That's creepy. Is it? Creepy, Uncle Jay. Creepy. Yeah, guys, go see this movie. I can't imagine seeing that with my parents. I told the story when I was 12. I mowed a bunch of lawns, weird, to earn money to take my parents to a movie. I thought that would be a real big achievement for a kid. It is. The big movie out at the time was Quest for Fire. which is about the dawn of man. And it's also about the, the, the, the, uh, inventing of the missionary position. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I mean, I'm not saying that to be sensational. I'm not saying that to be sensational. I'm saying that as a true fact that one, one of the scenes in the movie.

42:43Is that they begin making love in what you would call the canine position. Canine. And then they discover, because it's the dawn of man, it's caveman days, they discover something called the missionary position. And I'm sitting at 12 years old, flanked by my mother and my father. The worst. It was horrific. Oh my gosh. We never spoke of it. Awful. This is what you hear. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to Montana. There's a scene, I think I've said this before, but there's a scene in the movie Fear.

43:34The roller coaster scene. Oh, yeah. You don't have to. I'm not going to. No, but last time you did. I don't think I did. No, I know you did, actually. I don't think I did. We were watching it at the lake. It was me, my wife, Jamie, my brother, and his wife, Tessa, and my parents. Now, my brother and I knew exactly when that scene was. So two seconds before it started, I go, you want to go outside? We were going to blast the cigs. So we got up and left. We left Jamie and my sister along with my parents when that scene was going down. Such a cruel awful thing. We were looking through the window going, and they're sitting there with my parents. Great shot. Right to the baby maker. Oh, that's so great. They were like, you guys are the biggest a-holes? Yeah. It was so worse. It's the worst. That's so funny. It's the worst. Okay, let's see. This is pretty good. Oh, wow. This is pretty good. Larry King explained to Conan O'Brien who buys him jeans. You have said that Ryan Seacrest has helped influence your lifestyle. How so? I'll tell you how. He was at my house for dinner one night, and he says to me, I said, what's wrong with my jeans? They're like...

45:01$29 jeans. What kind of jeans? Where you have a lot of room beneath the crotch. You know, like overalls. So he says, I don't like those. You've got to wear sharp jeans. And since then, this is like seven years now, he's been my jeans supplier. That's incredible. He sends me jeans. It's gold. You imagine he, like, Larry King walking around in sevens? Yeah. Rockin' Republic's real good. Seacrest sends you jeans? Correct. Yes. They even put the buttonholes on for suspenders. Oh, wow. Jeans and suspenders, not a good look. Not a good look. Not a good look. His suspenders are his thing. Yeah, it's his bit. You know what he's talking about, though, when the crotch is hanging down to the jeans. Yeah, old man pants. Old man pants. With the brown woven belt. The rope belt. Big player. I mean, when was it like early 80s that guys were like, that's hot? And so to this day, you know. 30 years later, they're like, I wear that woven brown belt. Like, women are going to swoon. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to get it extra long, and then I'm going to tuck one side into it, and I want it hanging down. I want to hang it down my left thigh is what I want it to do. Which will show, it'll accentuate the thigh, which is muscular, and then it'll also show off.

46:24that I've got such a cool waist that this thing hangs like my belt. It's like a second wiener almost. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, no, I don't. It's kind of nice, though. I guess no. Maybe they think they just need to buy one belt their whole life and it will always fit because there's not belt holes. I think it's sturdy. Yeah. When we come back, we will... Tell you what happened yesterday between Woods and L.O.B. It was a heck of a story. Yeah, maybe we all just grow up. Yeah, maybe we all just grow up. We'll tell you all about it. I've even got a song that I wrote and produced about it. And also do Ask the Dudes, which we'll probably go over like a lead duck. And that'd be awesome. We'll do that next. Nervous with it? Nah. It's just money. Can't take it with you, pal. So here's the deal. He's very confident. Here's the deal. Yeah, I don't know what the deal is, but I kind of already don't like it. I don't like it. Neither of us like it. Let's call it off. We're calling it off. One of the things that Woods and I have had many conversations about is that Woods sometimes, very rarely, but sometimes Woods can't help himself but sort of project his own...

48:35personal likes and dislikes about sports into the sports cast. Yeah, into my sports segment. Just trying to make it my own. Just trying to own it. Now, when you say yours, that doesn't mean, you know, your personal toy. Right. It means you're in charge of it. Well, it's not called Mikey Show on Sports. Right. It's Woods on Sports. But if it was Mikey Show on Sports, it wouldn't be about the 49ers. Why wouldn't it be about the 49ers? Because I like the 49ers and I, you know. Well, here's the deal. That story, the Notre Dame story? Well, I'm not done explaining. Oh, okay. Woods really likes Notre Dame. A lot. His dad played there. Yeah. And Woods is a Notre Dame fan. Sure. He also really likes the Yankees. Yep. Okay? And so sometimes I have to try to rein him in because before giving you a big story about, say, the Chargers or...

49:32The Aztecs or the Padres or even a big national story. He wants to tell you all about, you know, Golden Tate, the wide receiver for the Seahawks, because he's a rookie from Notre Dame. He wants to tell you. It's false. And so he's proud of his team. He's proud of his teams. He loves his teams. And if there is a Notre Dame story out there and it's positive. He wants to tell you. It's the highlight. And in my defense, in today's story, the first story I led with was the San Diego State Aztecs are now the number four team in the country. And they were helped out last night by Notre Dame, who beat the number two team in the country, Pitt. Now, when he said that, I looked at him and he goes, what are you looking at? Well, I said, why the look? Why the look? I'm not allowed to talk. I will never talk about Notre Dame. Don't be dramatic. I'm not allowed to talk about Notre Dame. I guess I can't even mention it. Now, here is our disagreement. Okay. I believe. Yeah, this is what Lauren and I deal with every day. A couple of children. We're kids. We're kids. Woods says that he, in his defense, that it was a, quote, a top story. Sure. Yeah. And I say, no, Woods did not say that.

50:56He said it was either the top story or something else. But he was making it. We have a $100 bet right now. We have a $100 bet. This is ridiculous. Over a word. I'm going to vomit. Lauren just checked the tape during commercials and they don't even know what being said. We don't know. Here we go. And that's really good for San Diego State. What is with the look? What look? That look. He already said it. It's not in there. I gave you a look. You just talked over it. No, it was the first time he said it up and then Mike gave the look. It has to be when he first said it. That's it. That's the one. That's the only time I mentioned it. Weird. That's the only time I mentioned it. The reason I would have given you the look is because you already said it. No. No, no, no. You're wrong. Go back. Trust me. I'm not lying to you. She has it dead on. Then why didn't Mike say what's... He didn't give me the look until I said Notre Dame, and that's the first time I mentioned Notre Dame. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, you're right. And that's really good for San Diego State. What is with the look? What look? That look. Oh. That was a top story on ESPN. I gave you a look. That was a top story on ESPN. $100 to me. We're both talking.

52:07No, no, no. Hang on. Hang on. I believe you said the. I said uh. This is why I knew it was going to be a fight. It's indistinguishable. Let me hear it again. Let me hear it again. What is with the look? What look? That look. Oh. That was a top story on ESPN. That was a top story on ESPN. $100. We need to go around and vote. Everyone vote. I believe he says it's a top story on ESPN. The. It's a top story on ESPN. Or uh. It's either the or uh top story. But that decides the $100. Yeah. Yeah. Let's hear it one more time. And that's really good for San Diego State. What is with the look? What look? That look. Oh. That was the top story on ESPN. Yes. It was the top story on ESPN. It was a top story. I said it was a top story. I thought it was, now I think it's the, I don't know. It's the. It was the top story on ESPN. No, it was a top story on ESPN. This is the stupidest thing. Let's hear it one more time. You know why I'm not stupid? Do you think I really think that's bigger than Jay Cutler?

53:11Really? I do sports for a living. I'm not going to think that's bigger than Jay Cutler. It was the top story on ESPN. It was the top story on ESPN. One more time. Which was in the top four. One more time. And that's really good for San Diego State. What is with the look? What look? That look. Oh. That was the top story on ESPN. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'm saying we're both talking. I can't hear it. This is why I kind of wanted to clue you guys in the commercials. I'm like, I knew this fight was going to happen. You can't tell. That's $100. To me. No, to me. You know what I think? You guys keep your money and call it a wash. No way. I think it's a wash. I just got a hose. So you're telling me I got a hose out of $100. If the referees are looking at this, they're saying the play on the field stands because there's not indisputable evidence. Here's the difference. I do sports for a living. I am not, again, I'm not dumb enough to know. You know why I don't start the news in sports with.

54:12the top story of the day because I save it for Woods on Sports. So I start with other top stories. I'm not dumb enough to think that San Diego State is a bigger story than Jay freaking Cutler's knee and knee gate in Chicago. You know, it's a big story. Well, look. That look. Oh, that was a top story on ESPN. That was a top story on ESPN. That's $100. I just want to say one thing. I get all the little clips that you hear. And now back to the Mikey show with Mikey and all those little things. So those are called rejoins. And I am kind of used to the way that people talk. And I think what Wood said was a top story. However, in listening to it, it sounds like he says the top story. I think that he was. That was a top story on ESPN. Yeah, that was a top story. Oh, I was a top story on ESPN. There you go. It's like, that's indisputable. I'm hearing the. I'm hearing uh, because I know what I said. It's easy to hear both. And see, clowns on the internet are like, I heard number one. I heard number one. I never said number one. I knew I never said number one because I knew what I said. Look, I got you, dude. This is really true. I got you. Oh, I gave you. That was a top story on you. Yes, sir. I got you. The. Ugh. All right, I'll tell you what we'll do. We should do a vote. A vote. We'll do a vote. Five, first five calls. Yes. That's fair. No?

55:34Did I ever just speak out of school? No. Okay. All right. Fine. Deal. The listeners decide. Yeah. Listeners decide. 570-1949. And be honest. No favorites. Just be honest. Just tell us what you heard. Uh or thou. I'm going to evolve. One more time. Diego State, what is with the look? What look? That look. Oh. That was the top story on ESPN. I gave you a look. Yeah. Yes. You said the. I said uh. That was the top story on ESPN. I just said it again. That was the top story on ESPN. That was the top story on ESPN. It's the top story on ESPN. It's the top story on ESPN. See, I never said that. You know I did it. All right, 5701949 will take the best out of what? Seven? Five? Seven? Five. Best out of five? So the first person. First five calls, I think. Yeah. Yeah. All right, here we go. Majority rules. So you just say Mikey or Woods. That means who you're in favor for. Mikey or Woods. Mikey or Woods. And we just go right down the thing. And don't put their answers up there. He's doing it. It doesn't matter. Delete them. I'm just going right down the line. I'm just going one, two, three. Oh, boy. You don't want me to go? I can see what Mike is doing, but I will watch him. I won't go one, two, three. I'll watch Mike. How should I do it, Woods? How should I do it? Let's be fair. Just start at one. I mean, oops. Are you dropping him? Yeah, I'm dropping him. Whatever you want me to do, we'll do it. Okay, good. Now start at one. Go. Okay, so Woods or Mikey? Mikey Show.

57:04I got Woods. Okay. Mikey Show. And who do you got, Mikey or Woods? Two. It's only one more, right? Yeah. Mikey Show. Hi. Hi. I heard Woods. I'm on Woodsy's team. Fine. Woods just threw off his headphone and dove in the beanbag chair. Wow. You win stuff all the time, Woods. Woodsy. He's like victory doing the air punches. I owe you a hundred bucks. Yes, sir. Dang it. Rebecca right now is like, really with you? Really with you? You guys. We're children. I don't even know why it started. It could have just kept going. It was the look that got me. The look gets me. I love you, though. All right. You win this time. I love the pull the tape bit. Pull the tape bit is so funny. It's fun. Because everybody thinks they're right. Even though I'm on the losing side of it.

58:11It's still fun to wait and see, you know? My heart. Now let's move to the next disagreement. Oh, this is great. A little debate, I guess. So, yesterday, at the end of the show, Lauren was not here all day yesterday. She was traveling with family. And yesterday... I was traveling with family, coming back from funeral services. Yes. That is a good point to make. That is a good point to make. I went back and forth to the East Coast. Four flights total. With a baby. With a baby. Probably about four hours sleep total over the weekend. I thought we were friends. Just emotionally and physically drained. Just one of those things. Terrible. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you. You're welcome. And so at the end of the show. About 9 o'clock. About 9 o'clock, Woods revealed this story. Well, I got text messages starting at 9.35. Now, let me ask you, L.O.B., did you or did you not tell said story on the air, or was it an off-the-air story?

59:12I told an off-the-air story. Okay, it was an off-the-air story. Because we didn't know. We didn't know. We didn't know. I told it off-the-air. She told it off-the-air. We hardly have off-the-air stories that don't end up going on the air anyway. So that's why we're like, I don't know. Usually we meet on Wednesdays and we're like, hey, can we talk about this? Is it okay to talk about this? And a lot of times you'll hear, eh, you know, rather not. Yeah. There's personal things out there that can ruin relationships. And we all do it. I sent an email this weekend about things I didn't want to talk about. Right. I mean, it happens. It happens. But sometimes we'll say, you know, this one, you know, maybe now at this time with this relationship that I'm in with my wife or my girlfriend or my boyfriend or whatever. So Wood says, and then now, Wood's defense, it's a pretty funny story. How did we get into it? How did it come up? I don't know. Don't care. I haven't. I don't know. I don't know. But the story was that L.O.B. had bought her brother-in-law tickets. For his birthday. For his birthday. To go to the belly up and see a performance by an Asian ukulele player. Yes. What's his name? Jake Shimabukuro. Of course he is. Isolate, isolate, isolate, isolate, isolate. So.

1:00:37I don't know if this is accurate, but this is the way the story was told. Okay, we saw this. He had a video out. He's like a phenom on the ukulele. He was amazing. I said that. I said he was like Jimmy Page of ukulele. You know what I said? I said, he is... First of all, it's ukulele. Oh, ukulele. Ukulele. If we're doing semantics. Ukulele. Ukulele. Ukulele. Ukulele. I said, this guy is definitively the... best Asian ukulele player in the world. Oh, yeah. Yeah. In terms of Asian ukulele players, nobody touches this guy. He's invincible. He's invincible. And so L.O.B. took the brother-in-law to see it. Brother-in-law saw two or three songs and was like, that's great. I'm going to go get a drink.

1:01:30That's true, right? And L.O.B. was like, not even looking at her brother-in-law, was sort of patting him away, going, fine. Just staring at the ukulele. I was in a trance. Fine, go, go. She was in a trance watching this ukulele, Asian. And she was so taken by him that she went home and went to her computer. No, well. Why don't you just let me do this? First, I went after the show and got his autograph on the CD. Even better. It is even better. At that part. In the belly up. At the belly up. Then went home and wrote him on Facebook. MySpace. MySpace. This was a long time ago. It's good that you mentioned that because otherwise we would have thought you were weird. Well, with Matt or not with Matt. Yeah, not with Matt at the time. Let's become one. Two. I was. I was ready to mingle. I was single. Right. And so anyway, she wrote him a message on MySpace. And, you know, I guess she was just trying to think of what will make an impact. What will, you know, because he probably gets thousands, if not millions of messages from young women. I would say tens of twenties.

1:03:01He probably gets thousands if not millions of messages from beautiful starlets and women. You know, the guy tours. Hello. He's talented. And so he probably gets a lot of messages. So what can I say to him that will cut through, as they say? And so she decided on two words. You're beautiful. Okay. There's no, there is no. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. And he was probably like, what did I even say about it? First of all. Go ahead. Sorry. He's from Hawaii. He's from Hawaii. He doesn't talk like that. He doesn't talk like that. Second of all. I don't even know how to say this girl. He said, he had tens of millions of views on the video. For sure, yeah. And he had. hundreds of thousands of friends on MySpace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was hoping to cut through. Was it like, yeah. I said it. It was not just two words. It was a message. It was a message. I saw you last night. Private message. Private message. Not on this wall. You may remember. I was the blonde girl. Yes. And I said, your ukulele playing was beautiful. Dot, dot, dot. And so are you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1:04:30It would take you to come up with those words. Oh, my God. How many cocktails in were you? No. So bad. I thought it was sweet. It's the greatest. I thought he was. Beautiful. Have you seen his videos? Yeah. I saw your ukulele. And I fell in love. I was one of four that were there. And it became three when my brother. There was a crowd around him to get autographs. Oh, yeah, yeah. You may remember me. I was the blonde that was there last night. I was the one. I was the girl that you met last night. You used to leave it at the girl. Yeah, I was the girl. What did he say back? He didn't write me back. Well, he probably had like a screener. Up yours. Up yours.

1:05:32So anyway, Woods tells this story. And I mean, we are riffing. Roll it. We're riffing. And suddenly it occurs to me. Oh, no. I don't know that she has given us a green light on this story. She wasn't here to defend herself. I don't know that she's given a green light. And so Woods, he goes, Mikey, call her. And I go, dude, I'm not calling her. And Woods wanted me to call her on the air. Oh, yeah. And I go, I'm not calling her. And Woods goes, text her or something. And I go, no. I go, you text her. Text her on your phone right now on the air. So he does. He texts her. And what did you say? Did you hear? And she just texts back, I heard. I heard. He said, are you listening? Oh, are you listening? Are you listening? I heard. I heard. And so Woods gets scared. Obviously. And he starts frantically texting her. Yes. She doesn't text back. Nope.

1:06:31She did not text back all day. All day. All night. She left him twisting and turning in the wind. Yep. I was upset. It wasn't discussed. It wasn't agreed upon that we could talk about said topic. So I wrote a song about it. Oh, man, is Woodsy in some trouble because he messed up yesterday. I think he talked about an Asian that plays a ukulele. The kid messed up. He said some stuff that L.O.B. told him. He cried all day. She made him pay. The kid was a doofus. Never thought we'd see the day L.O.B. would make him pay with an Asian man. He said stuff that L.O.B. would make him pay.

1:08:22Oh, there you go. Oh, wow. Gorgeous. Yeah. Woods was terrified. Terrified. He texted the same thing like 30 times. I texted. Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? After I got the, I heard, I just texted, are you mad? And then sent one. And then I didn't get a response for five minutes. I texted, are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Nothing. Nothing. Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? I'm sorry. Here's the deal. I wasn't listening because I woke up at like 9 o'clock yesterday. I went to bed. I didn't fall asleep until after you were already up for the day, Mike. Right. And so I went to bed at like 2, something, woke up at like 9, and I was just getting my day started. I was like getting changed, stuff like that, and getting ready to head out for a run. And I got three separate text messages.

1:09:21One from Matt, who was in his car. One from Woods saying, are you listening? And then one from a random friend that was like, I heard you like Asians. Something. On ukuleles. And I was just like, I pieced it together and was like, oh. Ha ha, they're talking about that. But I didn't really care. And I was headed out the door. So when he said, are you listening? I heard because I didn't want to get the bit to call in because I was on my way out the door. I was on my way out the door to go for a run. This is my day. Yeah, so then I came back and there was two missed calls from Woods, a voicemail, two text messages that were like, are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? Are you mad? I just figured. Let him twist a little. And then there was like a Facebook thread and I was like, just let him sweat it out. Maybe we have some fun with it. I didn't hear it. I haven't heard it. So you're not mad at me? No. I put a rose on her computer this morning. Yeah. You don't understand. Woods was freaking out. I know. That's all he said. I almost texted L.O.B. to say,

1:10:28Hey, if you're not really mad at Woods, will you call him? Because I felt so bad for him. All right, when we come back to the Incorporator, Woods is going to use Jay's voice and call a... Jasper! He's going to call a 99-Cent store. He just calls it the store. Yeah. So call us with words, M1s. We need eight words. And Woods has to incorporate them into the conversation with the guy. Eight words. 570-194-9. Woods is going to have a busy few minutes because we've got to do sports. We've got to do the Incorporator. He's going to be telling you what major NFL player, with ties to the Chargers, went off on the players' union and the owners to the point that Woods had to bleep the audio that we're going to play for you, what this person said. But first, how about we do this? Watch out, boys. Watch out, boys. Okay, so Woods, he...

1:12:24developed this skill when he worked for the company that he worked for before coming to work here on The Mikey Show. To amuse themselves, he and his co-workers used to make sales calls and they would yell out, or not yell out, they would whisper words to one another and the person on the phone doing a sales call had to incorporate those words into their sales pitch. Not easy to do. Not easy to do. And so... We discovered that Woods had this ability and we started doing this thing called the Incorporator. So we're going to be calling a 99 cent store. And here are the words that we're going to be using. M1 Rick said buoy, like the thing in the water. They float. They float. M1 Wheat Thicks said ukulele. Of course. Ukulele. Ukulele. M1 Denmark said treehouse. M1 Mark said porthole. M1 Cassidy said gas station. M1 Dogbait said harmonica. M1 James said meatloaf. And M1 Rory Boy said waistband. I like that. So he has to get all those words incorporated into this phone call to the 99 cent store. Now, here's the thing.

1:13:54He's going to use Jay's voice. It's not funny enough as it is. He's got to make it funnier. Yeah. Come on in. So he's coming into the room. Now, it's also important for you as the listener to know that the person that Woodsy is calling can hear Woods, but they can't hear me feeding him these words. Are you ready, Woods? Yeah. First word? The first word is... Bowie. Bowie, okay. Like in the water. Here we go. They can hear me. I mean, they can hear you, not me. First word's Bowie. 99 cents. Hi, my name is Jay Isbell, and I was calling. I need a little bit of help, and I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I'm as tired as a buoy bouncing in the ocean, but I need an idea of some things that y'all have. Y'all got ukuleles? I don't care if the plastic.

1:15:21I don't care if they're made out of wood. I could build it myself if I wanted to, but my son Jasper really wants one. And do y'all have like a plastic ukulele? I don't believe we do, sir. No. Well, I probably need to go to like a Walmart or something like that. I was building my son Jasper a treehouse yesterday. I banged my thumb. And do y'all have any gauze or anything like that? A few of the first aid items. Okay, there's some first aid stuff there. Yeah, you know, I swear I was building that treehouse. I'd bang my thumb. I fell out and banged my head on the stump on the root or the root. And I swear I was transported through a portal to another dimension. My head hurts so bad. Gas station. Let me ask you this. Are you all across from that gas station down there? Yes. Okay, right by the gas station. What time do y'all close today?

1:16:24We're here till 6. Okay, great. Now, I already asked about the ukulele. I need to ask you, do you have a little plastic harmonica? Carry some little toy type instrument. Right, right. Yeah, I mean, I don't care. If it's 99 cents, that's almost a little bit too much for my taste. But I would like to definitely get one of those. And I know my wife's making a meatloaf tonight. Do you have ketchup? Yes, we do. Okay, 99 cents, right? Yes, everything in the store is 99 cents. Oh, man, waistband. That's correct. Okay, well, listen, my family and I are trying to tighten the waistband. Do you know of a 50-cent store anywhere, or is 99 cents the best we can do? I think 99 cents is the best you can do. And there's no bargain I can't bargain with you? No, I'm just an employee. Okay, well, I'll talk to your manager when I get there and see what I can do. But thanks for your help. Okay. All right. Okay.

1:17:29Okay, get it. Oh, wow. May, may have. supplanted my favorite ever. May have supplanted my favorite ever. I like the bit with the ketchup and the meatloaf. And we're trying to tighten our waistband. Do you know of a 50s? Okay, yeah! Oh my god. I love you, Jay. Yeah. Oh my god. That sounded more like Hoyle. Yeah, it was a little Hoyle-ish. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. Well, Jay and Hoyle are identical. Oh, identical. The root. The root. The root. Portal was a hard one. I was like, what is a portal exactly? And then I started thinking of the Matrix. I was like, I think that's a portal. That works. That was funny. Or porthole. Was it porthole or portal? That's what a ship, like a cruise ship, the window, right? See, that would have been easier than portal. That is a porthole, I think, yeah.

1:18:31I was transported through a portal. My head hurts so bad. I laughed that loud. I got Sienna once. She started laughing. When you said that, she goes, mm-hmm. Yeah, she got me. I got Sienna real good. She started laughing and almost got me. Oh, my gosh. It's a busy time for you, Woods. Oh, wow. Yeah, now you have to transform yourself into a sports guy. Maybe you spend that $100 that you won. Maybe I will. Maybe you buy us something delicious. Maybe I treat you guys to lunch on it. Yeah. Or breakfast. What's on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Frank's Red Hot. Well, the top story of the day, obviously, is Jay Cutler and what they're calling in Chicago, Kneegate. Very, very interesting. Well, it's come out he does have an injury to his MCL. They're calling it an MCL sprain. It's not a tear? Well, I've seen a couple different things. Now, this one says, quote, an MCL sprain, which could equate to some sort of tear. His knee hurt. His knee hurt bad enough that he pulled himself out of, or the doctors said you shouldn't go back in in the NFC championship game. And he said, man, all right, that sounds good. I think I'll just kick it on the sideline. Wait a minute. He didn't say, quote,

1:19:54Okay, that sounds good. I think I'll just kick it on the sideline. That's what my sources told me. I think he's 27. So he's going to save his career. Yeah, yeah. What if he was thinking to himself, if I go back out there and I jack this thing up real bad, my career's over. He's got a few months to fix it. He could have a career-ending injury. Yeah, absolutely. And I think fans in Chicago that have been burning his jersey and just filleting him. Probably would have liked to seen his career end rather than pull himself out of that gate. You know why, Woods? Because MCLs are so easy to come back with. Just look at Merriman. He's had a great time with it. You don't have to listen to me. I think he's a tough kid. He's only missed one start in his whole career. That's the game that you need to be carted off. And that has been across the league what people have been saying. And they said really more importantly than that. is his attitude. Listen to what Heath Evans has to say. That can change it all. He's a 10-year veteran of the NFL. Listen to what Heath Evans has to say.

1:20:54Well, you know what? I don't always feel like loving my wife, but it's the right thing to do. I don't always feel like coming home from work and playing with my girls and jumping on the trampoline. There's right and there's wrong. Yes, this is Jay Cutler's personality. Yes, and that's why he's taking the heat that he's taking today. But listen, we've been taught right from wrong from the day we got out of diapers. So listen, it's about being the leader of your team. You're paid to be the best player. So if you can't play, which I'm okay with that. I've been in that position before. But step up. Do the right things. Do what you're being asked to do. Do what's expected of you. Well, in defense to Cutler, the analogy that you use, sometimes I don't feel like coming home and playing with my kids. You coming home and playing with your kids doesn't have a direct effect on you making a living. Right. And for the rest of your life. Neither does grabbing a frigging clipboard and helping your third string quarterback that has 66 yards throwing in the NFL. Help him. Go through film with him. Show him. Hey, man, this guy's going to come at you from the corner. What you need to do then is you need to throw a hot read out to your slot receiver. How hard is that? He sat there and pouted with that dumb face. You say pouted. A half. You say pouted. Bro, he sat there with that hood on and he just sat. Wasn't even talking. He didn't talk. Didn't have crutches. Wasn't getting treatment.

1:22:09Dude, step up, man. All right, I got another one for you. I'm just trying to play devil's advocate. Okay, I know you are, and I know you agree with what I'm saying. I got another one for you. I got another one for you. I heard on ESPN, and I knew this already, but this was offered as, you know, something. Guy's a type 1 diabetic. Yeah. All right, and has to take insulin. Okay. One of the things they say about diabetes, especially when it's that severe, is that it has a real, when you're... When it's jacked up, it has a real effect on your mood. Sure. Oh, yeah. Okay. And so it could be that we're not taking into account that the guy's a type one diabetic and we can't expect him to be pumping his fists out there like nobody. And that it's pretty cool that he's out there playing a game as a type one. Absolutely. Dude, I think that is I got. grandparents that are diabetics, man. I think it's great, and I'm probably going to have it when I'm older. But the thing that that is my main issue with him is his lack of giving an S about where they were. Enthusiasm. Yeah, enthusiasm. I mean, you don't have to be the cheerleader. But there's a guy for the Steelers. Pouncey, their center, he got hurt. I think he might have torn something in his knee. That dude was on crutches on the sidelines.

1:23:26fist pumping, screaming at the game. He was into it, and he wanted to be there. He looked so bummed out that he couldn't play that he was going to be a big baby about it. And that's what Heath Evans was saying is, listen, man, you've got to do perception in the NFL, you guys, is reality. And that's just the way it is. I didn't make those rules. Perception is reality. And so to see him standing on the sidelines or walking without a limp or without crutches and not helping his backup quarterbacks. I mean, I don't see how you can defend it. Well, it seems immature. It seems like maybe he needs. It seems like he didn't even like being there. Like the whole thing. It's like, don't you want to get to the Super Bowl? Isn't that the end point everyone wants to get to? Because I'll tell you, man. I don't understand. They weren't getting blown out when Caleb Haney came in. They just weren't. And they lost by seven points. Who's his girlfriend? Kristen Cavallari. Wow. Little Angel. What? I wonder if. I don't even know. I didn't see the game because I was flying. But I just wonder if. He did take on that attitude like, well, if I'm not going to get there, because maybe they were like, you couldn't even play. Look, even if you got to the Super Bowl, you couldn't play that game. You couldn't play anyway. Maybe there was a little bit of, well, if I'm not going to. Yeah, and you know, with a guy that makes as much dough as he does and the position that he's in, and that's really what it comes down to. If this was an offensive guard.

1:24:37Nobody really cares. But because it's the quarterback, that's the leader, you know. Moving on. I mean, it's going to be a story for the rest of eternity. Like Mike said yesterday, this is going to be his thing until he proves otherwise. And that's, you know, unfortunate for him. But also yesterday, San Diego Chargers outside linebacker Sean Phillips has been added to the AFC Pro Bowl roster because, well, they decided to do the Pro Bowl the week before the Super Bowl. And James Harrison is not playing. because he's in the Super Bowl. So Sean Phillips gets a call. He had 11 sacks. That's awesome. He was deserving anyway. Good for him. We talked a little bit yesterday about Carson Palmer. He wants out of Cincinnati, and he has said, if you do not trade me. I don't blame him, by the way. I don't either. The place sucks, but you've got a contract. So he's going to retire. He says he's going to retire if he doesn't get a trade. I think it's okay to ask for a trade if you're not granted. I think you should play out your contract as a man that. signed that deal and said, I want to finish my career here. I agree. Palmer hasn't come out yet. His agent said, because of the lack of success that Carson and the Bengals have experienced, Carson feels strongly that a separation would be in the best interest of both parties. Well, not for them, man. That's their franchise quarterback.

1:25:50That's their guy. That's the guy that they spent a lot of dough on. It's true. I'm with you, Woodsy. But he wants out. I agree. And then finally, Antonio Cromartie. We've got to talk about this guy. Everybody knows Antonio Cromartie. He used to play here in San Diego. He's a Jet. Well, they're not in the playoffs anymore. And now he's turned his attention to the owners and the players' union. And this is what he had to say yesterday. Cut. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, wow. Well, Antonio Cromartie, he has nine children with eight wives. By my calculation. Were they wives? Oh, I'm sorry, baby mama. That's 17 mouths he needs to feed. He needs to be at work next year. He needs to be getting a paycheck. 17 mouths. 17 mouths. Oh, the moms. Yeah, you got to feed the moms, too. He's been real busy. Yeah.

1:27:10Maybe wear a condom. Nine children by eight different women. That's 17 mouths that he needs. That dude needs a paycheck, bro. I'm sweating having one kid. He needs a paycheck. Be allergic to latex. He could be. Yeah, maybe. Sheepskin. Maybe try sheepskin. That feels real good. Different kind or something. Well, I mean, bro, if there's anybody in the NFL that needs to make sure. They're at work day one. It's that guy. And he's like, y'all need to quit being a-holes and this and that. Man, they need to get an agreement hammered out. The word of the day is tulip. So at some point between now and 10, you'll hear me say that word. And caller number nine gets a pair of concert tickets to see Rush at the Cricket Wireless on June 18th. And also a pair of sunglasses from Angel or Anarchy. So that's coming up in a bit. At the risk of being indulgent, I hope this isn't. I'm going to explain it to you, and hopefully you will get as big a kick out of this as I did. There are people that work in our radio industry called record reps, okay? And the job of the record rep is to bring to the program director, like Garrett, is to bring him new artists. Sure. And try to get him to add the artist on the radio station.

1:28:38And they are classically annoying, classically annoying to the program director. But it's a part of the business. They come and visit usually like this particular day that they do it, like Tuesday. And they will try to butter the program director up. Now, in the past, they used to use things like cocaine, but they can't anymore. True story. True story. Yeah. Good old days. And money. Yeah, money. Payola, right? Yep. They can't do that anymore, but they'll still try to butter them up. They'll bring in bagels. Are they a farmer rep or what? Yes. Count little calendars with their pens. Now, when you're in the radio industry, you have certain things about these record reps that will... tickle you the thing that tickles me the most about them is when they play this terrible song by a terrible artist and in order to sell it to you the program director they will bounce in their chair really yeah they will get yeah they'll like get into it and you're like they love yeah and they're like they're like and they're looking at you waving their head like right right right and the pd's like

1:29:54The program director's like, uh-huh, that's great. That's great. That's great. And they'll try to sell you in any way that they can on how great this artist is. It's amazing. A lot of times they're hot, too. Yeah, yeah. They'll send record reps that are really good-looking, or they'll send real sharp dudes, you know? And a lot of times... Oh, not fat. But remember when Woods found that thing, the talking monkey? Yeah, monkey mail. What you do is you type in words and it will say it. Right. In a computerized almost TomTom type voice. Well, someone animated a program director's conversation with a record rep. They just made it up what it might sound like. And this is it. Hello. How are you today? Thanks for making the time to meet with me. Station sounds great, by the way. I was listening in the car on the way here from the airport. Oh, that's cool. Thank you. I was just finishing up our music meeting for this week. So many songs, not enough room. You know how that is. Yes, I do. I was a program director back in the day. Now, I am working for the Big Bad Record Company. It's amazing I still have a job. Ha ha.

1:31:20So I manage to keep it while everyone else gets fired. Laugh out loud. Well, at least you have been at the same label. I'm at my 12th station in three years. My wife and kids are not too happy with me and my decisions. But I really like the GM here. We share the same ideas. Making radio fun again. That's what it's all about, isn't it? Yes, it sure is. I brought some bagels and coffee for you and your staff. They are welcome to join us in here and watch the video I brought with me. Are you sure they do not want some free bagels and coffee? I think everyone is busy. It is a Tuesday, remember? Music day. I will put them in the kitchen. Thank you. Okay. Well, I want to talk to you about our great new artist here at Big Bad Record Label. She has over 1 billion hits on YouTube, and that is not including her MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter following. She is amazing. The president of our company discovered her working at Starbucks. She was a singing barista. She would sing while making coffee. It's an amazing story we have here. Just incredible. Wow, does she still make a great coffee? If her voice is as good as her legs, we may be in business as she doing a radio promo tour. Where is she? She is actually back in New York right now in the studio. We are finishing up her album.

1:32:44Her album, she was just discovered last week, but she has an album already. One week ago she was making coffee at Starbucks. Today she is finishing her album. I love America. It is great, isn't it? Radio loves it so much they are playing her song, which was just a demo on YouTube. Top three phones in places like Duluth, Little Rock, Spokane, Boise, and Yakima, Washington. The hometown, of course. Top three phones? Wow. That's odd. Our DJs do not keep track of requests. In fact, it has been five years since someone even called to request a song. That must be huge. Do they have a request in Dedications Hour 2? Well, we also have great early call-out on it. Early, but great. Call out is that when a computer calls someone's phone and plays music clips and people press numbers on their phone about how much they like it. Wow, that sounds very scientific and credible. I bet people just love sitting on the phone listening to computers and pressing buttons. I know I sure do. I can't believe my brother got it.

1:33:57I made it on the radio. Yeah, Tom Tom Girl, it sounds like you guys are definitely related. He has voice to that commercial. That's right. I'm happy for him. He was a deadbeat before, wasn't he? Yeah. He sure was. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Hey, by the way, Oprah's overwhelming secret that she was going to give yesterday. Did you hear about that? I remember Sienna saying something about it, but I never heard what it was. And it was on the news, too. I kept seeing it like, Oprah makes big announcements and blah, blah, blah. Was it like Geraldo's Al Capone's vault? It's like that big. Dude. I'm hungry. Well, when we come back, we will play you the audio of her big, giant announcement. I can't wait. It may be the most underwhelming thing I've ever heard. No, it's exciting. It's me. That was enough. Taylor Guitar is going to give us a loaner to play in the studio. Really? Yes. Who hit us up? Chalice hit me up on Twitter. And they're big fans over at Taylor. And they're going to come in and give us a guitar to play here in the studio whenever we want to play guitar. And we are big fans of theirs. They're so cool. Gosh. I was poking around their website yesterday. Holy smokes.

1:35:57They have some freaking beautiful guitars, dude. I got to get in there and get my baby. I haven't played in like a week. Incredible. That's the thing with guitar. You got to practice. I know. It's all about practice. Talking about practice, man. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I'm 40. Woodsy's 35. He's our sports guy. Our assistant producer is Lauren O'Brien, and we call her LOB. Sienna is our news girl. And somebody I know just had a baby and named her Sienna. Really? Mm-hmm. I think it's becoming a more popular name now. Because I know someone else who's pregnant and having a Sienna. Really? Yeah. Cop ears. I know. Bumps me out. We're going to name our kid Sage. Jay's our producer. He's 47. And screening phones for us today is Will. It's Will. It's Will. Mikey Show fans are called M1s. And we are...

1:37:09M1 Nation, if you are an M1, when you call into the Mikey Show, you turn your radio down, get to the point, don't cuss. You also make new M1s. You spread the word about being an M1. Can I tell you something about M1s? Please. My friend who listens, I have a lot of friends that listen every morning when they're driving to work, and she says, gosh, I want to call all the time, but I'm not an M1. And I said, well, you listen every morning, right? And she was like, yeah, but... By the way you guys talk about it, I thought I had to go to a website and sign up and do all this stuff. And I was like, no, no, no. If you listen to our show, you're an M1. And she's like, oh, my gosh, then I'll call in. I know. I should say that every time. Yeah. She thinks you have, you know, and someone else has said that to me before two months ago. They think, do you have to go to the website to sign up? No, no, no. Let me just make it real easy for you. If you love this radio show, you're an M1. Yeah. And we should maybe take the pressure off of them if they can't come up with like a nickname. I've heard people say the same thing too. Well, I don't know what I'd call myself. I'm like, just your name. Your name. M1 Sienna, M1 Ryan, M1 Woods. Yeah. My aunt, my Aunt Eileen. Yeah. She lives back in New Jersey. Yeah. Huge M1. She doesn't have an M1 name, but she's a...

1:38:24Huge M1. And listens online? Yeah. I saw her this weekend. She was quoting things from the show, talking about drops that we have. It was awesome. That's great. My dad has an M1 name. Yeah. M1 Hawk. M1 Hawk. M1 Other Mother. Yep. My family has never come up with M1 names. They should. Yeah. They should. M1 Mike's dad. Or M1 Senor, M1 Senora. Right. I love it. My wife has one. M1 Mrs. The Kid. Really? Yeah, somebody gave it to her. M1 misses the kid. It's great. Let me see. I'm going to call my dad and make him come up with a hundred. Love you guys. How about, I got one. Yeah, he's going to say it when he hangs up. Love you guys. I got one. Say I love you. He will not say, if you don't know this about my dad, he won't say I love you. I'll say I love you, dad. Love you guys. He means your entire family now. And all of us. It's more awkward, I think, to say I love you than I love you guys. He'll write it on emails to me. I love you guys. He wants you to tell that to your wife and your three kids. It should be his M1 name. M1 love you. I got one for him, and it's perfect. L-Y-G. M1 nurse. Nurse? Yes. Because he had a line in The Godfather 2, and his line in the movie was, nurse.

1:39:40And it's brilliant. It's Mike's dad in The Godfather Part 2. Makes me think he was a nurse, though. No. Yeah, he might feel that's a little bit too effeminate for him. No, he's very masculine. He's a very masculine man. He probably would not like M1 nurse. M1 most interesting man. Yeah. He looks like the Dos Equis guy. M1 Dos Equis. He looks like the most interesting man in the world. He either looks like that or... Saddam Hussein, take your pick. Oh, no. He does not. He does, my dad. He's too friendly for that. I'm telling you. Dad looks like, he looks like the most interesting man in the world, or... She called him M1 Mimit. Mimitwa. Mimitwa. Mimitwa. Mimitwa. Don't talk. Mikey's house. I'm going to tell him that Cossido was good. He made me some soup. Good man. This is like Sunday at Mikey's house with some music. That's right, Ryan. Hi, Mommy. How are you? I'm good. Are you listening to the radio? Oh, yeah. Everybody's really against her because she raised her daughters to be perfect. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't know the story, Mom. What's the deal? Well, she's from China, and they're very strict.

1:41:23there, but they're very, very bright. And there's a lot of things that she says in her book that she said she doesn't mean it like we Americans take it, you know? Well, why do they call her the tiger mother? Well, because that's the thing from China. That's like a China thing. It's like they're bit. Yeah. And so they just are really down on her and she said that the daughters At some point, yeah, they thought she was very, you know, not mean, but overprotective. Right. And aren't we all? Yeah, we are. We are. Mom, I never, we're always your kids, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not like, even when we're grownups and we can be 50 years old, we're still like your kid, like your baby. Yeah, I see you, Mike, and I just, oh, my God. You don't see a 40-year-old man. You see your youngest baby boy. Exactly, exactly. And you look marvelous. That's right. I look marvelous. Oh, my gosh. So sweet. Ma, is Dad there? Yeah. Let me talk to Dad. He's got to go to his hearing aid phone. He's got a phone. My dad has a phone. Yeah, amazing. See, I was crying. She's so sweet. She's like, can you look marvelous? Behind the scenes. Okay.

1:42:49Get the phone, hon. Mike. There you go. That guy. Okay. He's going to his office. Okay. I love you, Mom. I love you, Mike. Bye-bye. We miss you. We miss you. We love you. We love you. She's like, am I there? I love you. There you go. Dad. Yeah. We were just discussing how you have never had an M1 name. And so we got to come up with what... Can you think of an M1 name that you can use? Because I always call you dad, but Woods was saying that his dad is M1 Hawk. Yep. When he calls in. And I say, yeah, my dad doesn't have a name. What could we give you? Well, let me think about that one. You've got to think about it. Yeah. The cocido was really good. Yeah. It looked really good. I wish you would have shared it. Yeah. I don't share. Not food. Not food. He's a very generous person. Not so much with food. My dad makes stuff that I really love. My dad tells me this weekend that he made some chorizo con papas. And I said, Dad, please put some of that into two tortillas, wrap it in some tinfoil, and bring it to me for my lunch. Happy birthday. And you did it, right? Dad was nice. He was nice. He did it.

1:44:17Pops. What are you doing? Drinking coffee? No, I don't drink coffee. You don't drink the coffee anymore? It's bad for kids. Oh. What did you switch to? Are you drinking anything now? You know, I drink a lot of water. I drink that Mexican chocolate. Oh, the hot chocolate? Yeah. Oh, it's so good. Yeah, the abuelita. It's called chocolate. It's so good. Chocolate. Dad, aren't you impressed that I can say these words and make it sound very, you know. Authentic. Authentic, but I can't speak a word of Spanish. Yeah, I know it. But you do. Pronunciation is really good. Abuelita. Abuelita. Abuelita, yeah. Abuelita. I'll bet you a lot of people think you're probably fluent in Spanish. I'm not fluent. At all. I don't know any of it. We know more than he does. That is a true statement. A lot more. I'm white. All right, Dad. Well, I want you to think about an M1 name, and I want it to be like maybe a boxer, you know, because you're into boxing. My dad likes boxing. M1 De La Hoya? Yeah, M1 De La Hoya. De La Hoya. De La Hoya. That's right. Or something like that, you know? M1 Pacquiao. M1 Pacquiao. My dad likes Pacquiao. Yeah, he's really good. Yeah. He is really good. Good singer. Are you guys doing good today, Pops?

1:45:43Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got back from my walk about 10 minutes ago. There you go. And I feel good. Made me work out. There you go. Swallow. If you go to Choose Fitness, you can tan, too, Mr. Esparza. You can get a workout in and you can get a tan. You can do some tanning. He doesn't need it. It's true. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Did we leave, when you moved out of Gilroy, did you leave that big tanning thing there? No, I gave it away. My dad, my dad, you know, when my dad had some issues with the skin, he had this custom built tanning thing that was in our garage. And my brother let like girls in the neighborhood know. And my dad. Yeah, of course. And my dad used to have to tell Steve, hey. Don't let them in there because those, A, those bulbs are really expensive and B, they're strong. Yeah. The girls loved it because they got tan like you wouldn't believe. They were like Snooki. Wow. For psoriasis. It's for psoriasis, but it worked like a mofo and it was a stand-up. Wow. I would go in there and I would get tan.

1:46:58in this stand-up deal? Nude. Now you tell me, Mike. Nude, yeah. In the garage, you were nude? It was in the garage, so it didn't matter. Didn't it? Other people live in that house? Yeah, but nobody's going to open the thing up if they know it's on. You know, you could hear it. It had a fan and everything. Wow. Holy cow. It's amazing. You gave it away, Dad? Yeah, well, this one guy had a daughter who had psoriasis, and he wanted to buy it, and, you know, he just kept... putting me off and putting me off, and then I think I put it in the paper, and this other guy came, and boy, he had really bad psoriasis. Because the sun makes it better, right? Yeah, and so I just told him, I said, well, you can have it, you know. It was probably worth close to five grand. Wow. Wow. That's a good guy. Those UVB lights were about $1,800, if I remember correctly. I had eight of them.

1:47:56Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Dad, you're a good guy. You're a good man. He's a good man. That's nice of you. We loaded it in this pickup, and, man, it was heavy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, loaded it in this pickup. My nephew built the box, and then my cousin built, he put the inside. It was like aluminum. Aluminum. This thing would get you tan like you wouldn't believe. Like you would get bronze tan. That's nice. That's what I like. I had all the family that worked on it. You know, one guy built the van. Homemade? It was homemade. Holy cow. Oh, yeah, dude, it was homemade. It was made of wood. It wasn't just homemade. I had to request the blue from the psoriasis foundation. It was great. We had to follow those dimensions and all that. My dad, my dad, he was so protective of that.

1:48:57I'm sure. And we would get in that thing. And he would say, and he would be so patient, but he would be like, you guys, don't get in my tanning box. What is the rise? Is she skin? It's like, yeah, she flaky skin, you know, and he don't get in my tanning box. And Steve. Oh, boy. The goggles. Did you let people in without the goggles? No. No, they didn't want us in there. But I mean, Steve let girls in. Of course. Steve was letting all the cheerleaders, you know. Brilliant. Start your own business. Steve would be in line at Starbucks and he'd be like, hey, by the way, my dad has a tanning thing right in the house. Wow. If you want to come over. Okay. Oh my gosh, yeah. Are you serious? Are you for real? Yeah, it's in the garage. My dad has it in the garage. It's got psoriasis. But the thing is, you got to know, it's going to get you way tanner than anyone that you would get, like, in the tanning place. Oh, my gosh. Really? Yeah, maybe you bring a bottle of wine. Oh, wow. Okay, maybe you bring a bottle of wine over, and it's crazy. This thing fits two people. Just getting a back of my van.

1:50:23If you want to come over and tan over my house, my dad's box. It's in the garage right this way. Yeah, the thing he failed to tell him is that he lived at home. My roommates are out. My roommates. They referred to you and mom as roommates. My roommates might be there, but we'll just have some wine, you know, and we'll go into the tanning box. Hey, by the way, thank you to M1s because they helped my dad to find a urologist. Really? Right, Dad? A medical oncologist, which is... Oncologist. Oncologist. Yeah. Really what I want. Good for you. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Thank you to all the listeners who sent those names in. It really helped me, and I'm scheduled to get an appointment today. It's so awesome. It's great. Yeah. All right, Pop. I love you. I love all you guys, and I love you too, Mikey. All right, Pops. You guys take it easy. All right, we'll see you later. All right, bye-bye. Bye. Yes! Yes! First time ever. Wow. Your eyes moist a little bit. My eyes just got moist. Wow. Can I isolate that for you? You know what? Let me tell you how crazy I am. Can I tell you how crazy I am? I just thought to myself, oh, no.

1:51:49I hope he's not like, I got to get it out there. You know, I got to finally say it, you know, before my time is up. I'm going to. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mike, way to ruin a moment. Crazy much. That's how my mind works. I would probably think the same thing, but I bet you one of your family members tipped him off and was like, just say it! That was really sweet. Next time you have him on, say you love him. That was real sweet. It's like hitting somebody's knee with a little mallet. I love you guys. But then, that was sweet. And then he stopped and said, and I love you too, Mikey. That's so rad. It's very nice. He's so sweet, and your mom is so sweet. They're both the sweetest. I need to see them soon. Yeah. Do you guys ever go, how is it? Always. What? What? Like, how is it you're their son? Because they're so... They're the sweetest people. Are you reading my mind? They're the sweetest people. I just don't... You? I don't.

1:52:59Can I ask you a question once? Yeah. Scale of one to ten. How irritated were you when you called me yesterday and I didn't pick up and I didn't text back immediately? Extremely. Scale of one to ten. Ten. I knew it. Ten. Because when I finally did get back to him, he was like, maybe I wait to text you back. Oh, the games we play. I thought we were just all friends. Hey, remember we were wondering about Regis Philbin and whether he was, like, pushed out or decided that he was going to go? It was neither. We'll explain next. All right, Woods. Okay, Mike. You love your wife a lot. I love my wife. A lot. A lot. What's her favorite flower? She likes not daisies. What's the one I'm looking for?

1:54:57Lilies? Lilies. That's it. That's what I needed. She's a big seller. Are you sure? She loves lilies, yes. Gotta always know that. Yeah, lilies. I guarantee my husband doesn't know. Yeah. What is it, Sienna? I don't want to say it, but he's listening right now. I'd rather find out if he doesn't know. Tip him off. No, he should know. No. Todd, bring home flowers once in a while. What? Todd, we've heard that in between breaks in the studio. Only like one time, and it was because flowers came in. Todd, just bring home some flowers. No, he's home right now listening. Stop talking about it. Todd, bring home flowers. I love you, babe. Todd, if you do, she'll love it. She'll love it. I love you. Todd, if you do, she'll love it. You make beautiful babies. What? I love tulips. What? Excuse me, Mikey. I would just like to say, I love tulips. I love tulips. Mikey. Can you hear me? Is this thing on? I love tulips. Y'all know what the word of the day was? Mikey, tulips is the word of the day. So obvious. I'm on Ziggy. Ziggy from... Hi, I'm good. Do you know what the word of the day is? I can't see. Is that Bob De Niro? I wasn't talking about the flower. Just keep on coming. I gotta go. It's a gift that just keeps on getting.

1:56:56It's like the Jelly of the Month Club. Yes. Only it's every day. Every day. Sometimes every hour. Sometimes every five minutes. Thank you, guys. You got it. Hang on a line. I got to tell you. Excuse me, Mikey. Mikey? But I have got to tell you. I sure do love tulips. Do you even like tulips, Jay? You know it. That was a lot. You know it. Some sort of innuendo that we're not getting, I guess. We're getting it. I'm getting it. I don't get it. We're not getting it. Let's just move. Finally! I got it the second he said it. I went, oh no! Break it down, Lauren. What shape? Uh... Sounds like it. Yeah. Do you get it? Inside. Nice Bieber. Hey!

1:58:18You made me do it. I didn't make you do it. I'm going to call my wife and say this. Can't even say it. That was good timing. Well played, Jay. Well played. It's hot in here. Did you see where it's from? No, let me see. Oh, my gosh. I know. Describe it. Couldn't you describe it with a word? A clinical term? Yes. No. Clinical? My goodness. Let me see what. He wrote it. Yep, that's what I was talking about. Yeah. I got it with the hand signals he was giving me. You know what? At truck stops, guys are like, that's too rough. You guys are over the line. You don't have to write that word. Does your mother know you use words like that?

1:59:28Wow. What was it that we said that he called Kim about? His wife? Remember? Yesterday. I'm going to call Kim cabbage. The cabbage, wasn't it? That was it. What? I don't get it. It was because we talked about how you use cabbage on your boobs. Yeah, to help stop breastfeeding. And that because of it, Jay was going to be driving home and go, he's going to leave his wife a message and go, I came. It's your husband, Jay. I don't know why, but I got this hankering for some cabbage soup. And I was just wondering if you could fix it for supper. Maybe some soup, maybe some coleslaw. Could you fix it for some kind of stuff? I call Sage the cabbage patch kid.

2:00:32Oh, my God. Hi, baby. Do you mix up some cows last night? If you didn't know, when you stop breastfeeding, cabbage, if you put it in your bra, it helps with the engorgement of your breasts. We were talking about it yesterday. Oh, that's right. Does it really work? Oh, yeah. I did hear Sienna say that, but that's not why I'm... That's not what I'm asking. Isn't it, Jay? Yeah, it's exactly what I'm asking. No, it's not at all. You just love cabbage. And can you also put on a long auburn-colored wig? Wow. Great. What? Is that over the line? It's over the line, Jay. Can you? Hey, baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Can you maybe get some eyeliner and pay knuckles? The cabbage touched her boobies. Bring on the big one. Pay lots of freckles. They sell cabbage bikinis down the line. Where if you wear a cabbage bikini, I would lose my mind. I'm going to have you for dinner, if you know what I mean.

2:02:09And if you don't know what I mean, it means I want to have intercourse. Because I'm subtle. Wow. Just in case you don't know what I mean. It's called an in-y window, I think Mikey calls it. In a window. It's called a double in-tendry, I think. A double in-tendry. Mikey says it's like when you jump in a window. Hey, Kim, when I get home... I want to do it. Wink, wink. She's like, but you just said. It's not the wink. You just said what you're... Hey, when I get home, we're going to play hot dog and bun. We're going to play have a snake. Wink, wink, wink, wink. Wink, wink. Hot dog and bun. That should be our thing with Jay. When Jay says something that's just so not subtle, we should be like... Wink, wink. I want to take dance lessons and learn the horizontal mumbling. My head hurts. His poor wife is sitting at home banging her head against the table. Why? Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Wink, wink. And this boy's thirsty, if you know what I mean.

2:03:39And somebody has a hankering for a milkshake. Get it? You're the milkshake. You're the milkshake. I'm the boy. I'm the boy in the yard. I'm in the yard. The yard is like a house. A house where we live. I want to drink you through a straw. That is so gross. Oh my God. All right, so we wondered if we were saying this the other day. We were talking about did Regis Philbin get fired or did he quit? Now, I thought that he was pushed out. He's too old and that he was being pushed out because he was too old. But he was on TV and he was talking about it. Let's see. I lost it. I lost it. Oh, I know why I lost it.

2:04:42I'm looking in the wrong place. Audio Genius. Here we go. Here we go. We never reached an agreement on the contract, but I made up my mind a long time ago that I'm, you know, 28 years. Do you mind in the same studio? Am I right or am I wrong? Am I right or am I wrong? I'm right, you know that. 28 years while you're roaming around in the fresh air. So he wanted more money than he wanted to give him. Yeah. Makes sense. In other words, he would have stayed, but they wanted him for less money. Huh. And he's like, but I had already said that I was going to leave. Yeah. You got to give Dana Carvey one thing. He was on Tonight Show last night. You got to give Dana Carvey. He does some pretty good impressions. He does. Oh, yeah.

2:05:33He goes Regis. I've been dying to discuss this with you. Oh, yeah, okay. I know you love Regis. Regis shocked the world, shocked the world to announce that he's retiring. I know, and I do think Regis is a national treasure. I mean, you can't replace Regis, you understand? Nobody can replace the reach, you know what I'm talking about? And I've got to think he's going to stay. He's got so much energy, and they're floating people to actually replace Regis. Hard job. What have they got? Ryan Seacrest? Is that it? Seacrest. Seacrest. It sounds like a brand of canned tuna, if you ask me. You know what I'm talking about? Hey, honey, do you want a chicken by the sea or want a Seacrest tonight? That's not going to work. Jeff Probst. What's this guy from Survivor? Jeff Probst. So you understand? He's got dimples. He's got a torch. He's in the jungle. That's not going to work. It's like watching paint dry. You understand? I had to do that. Oh! Yeah, I gotta do that. He's good. He has good impressions. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, The Smets. Strange Ways, Here We Come. The Smiths, Mike. Oh, because Morrissey. Mexicans like Morrissey. They love him. They do. They just love him. Don't know why. But they like him. Latinos. With a big pompadour. It's like the 50s type Latino, you know? That kind of Latino. Which you have never been. Never been that guy. Like the look. I think it's kind of cool. I think it's real cool. West Side Story. Yeah. What do I want? Oh, Monday. The Mikey Show.

2:07:02will be sans Mikey. Next Monday. Yeah, not this coming up. Sounds familiar. Two Mondays from now. Yeah. Like something we talked about in a meeting. I don't even know what to say. Garrett, our program director. Garrett! Garrett! Who that day will go by the name Mike Costa. Will... I'm kidding. Come on. It's a joke for crying out loud. Let's just all grow up. Let's everybody just grow up. Just calm down. Stop screaming. Oh, my gosh. You know? Real world. It happened. It's okay. Everybody's happy. Everyone's happy. I think everyone's. Everyone's happy. Very intense. Garrett is going to fill in. Garrett! Garrett! Garrett! Is going to fill in. He's going to sit in. And the show must go on.

2:07:59As they say. As has been said. Yes. Before. Yeah. So he will be in there without you. Yes. Without you. We'll be here on Monday. You guys will be here. You will not. I will not. What if I come back and my code doesn't work? What do you mean, what if? It will work. It's already in the works. What? Oh, wow. Don't even joke. Spin out. Don't even joke. Well, you got to laugh. What do they say? Laughter is the best form of medicine. What else do you do? If you don't laugh, you cry about it. Nobody wants to cry. Yeah. Just laugh. What are you going to do? You cry over spilled milk. I can't cry over spilled milk. The milk is spilt. What are you going to do? You wipe it up. You wipe it up. You move on. You get another drink. You get a better drink. Yeah, you get a drink. You like better. Yeah, you get a Coke. You didn't like milk. You get a horchata. What are you going to do? Horchata fits you better. It's better. Better fit for you. Yeah, better fit. Better. Forget about tonight. Forget about tonight. Forget about tonight. The thing. Forget about it. Forget about tonight. I'm excited to see how the show goes with Garrett. Garrett show. Garrett. Good morning. Garrett. I want, and I'm talking to you, Woods. I want you to just give him a break. What do you mean? I want to ask you as a friend.

2:09:25To keep the teasing. I don't tease anyone. We don't want to have five Garrett's on the show screaming Garrett the whole time. Don't we? That poor guy. I want him to feel like he is respected. Mike, you don't have to worry about me. I've been doing morning since Wood was crapping in his hand, okay? Don't worry about it. I'm just worried that he comes in here, he's trying to do a story, and everything he says, you're like, Garrett. I'm worried about this. Are you guys? Well, because you're ruthless with him. I'm not ruthless. You will get after him. I know you do, but you get after him. Your way of showing him that you love him is needling. I think probably because I take so much grief on this show, I can give it to him. You know what I mean? He's a good, he's good at taking it. Yeah, he's a good sport. He's fun. We kid around a lot. Yeah. We have that relationship. We have the dyno. I just won't talk. Shush. Just be yourself. It's going to be fun. That's myself. That's me. It's going to be fun. Hey, Woods, don't be yourself for the day. Be yourself, but don't go over the top. Sometimes people kid around, you know. It doesn't sound like you're kidding. It doesn't sound like you're kidding. There's a lot of people around, you know. Hey, to his defense, you were getting a little, you know. I didn't get out of it. A little bit. I didn't insult him. A little bit. I didn't insult him. That's the greatest scene. It is. One minute we're over here hugging and kissing. And that next minute, you know. We're breaking his balls a little bit. That's just breaking some balls. What's the matter?

2:10:47No, we'll be fine. Hey, to his defense, to his defense, you were a little disrespectful. No, I didn't insult him. A little over the line, man. No, I didn't. Give us a drink down here. Yeah, get us a drink. Let's get a drink. It'll be fun. We'll have fun. Can we get that scene, please, from Goodfellas? There's a lot of cursing in it. There is? Yeah, that's right. I thought there was no cursing in that scene. There's cursing in it. That's a heart-pounding scene. I'll look at it at the break. I know. Wood would know. Yeah, Wood would know. Here's Oprah's big secret. For the most part, my life has been an open book. And on this show, I think I've seen just about everything and heard every story. And I thought nothing could surprise me anymore. But let me tell you, I was wrong. Just before Thanksgiving, I was given some news that literally shook me.

2:11:52To my core, a bombshell family secret that left me speechless. Only a handful of people in my life know about this. But before I get into it, let me just tell you my reasons for doing it on this show. There's no way with how the media ratings. Yeah. It was today that a story like this wouldn't get out of the press and wouldn't be exploited. I didn't want that to happen. I'm the richest woman in the universe. Actually, the galaxy and beyond the universe. It is true. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't care. Why don't you just say it? But it is true. So I wanted you to hear it from me first. All the details were lining up. Her son Andre put the last piece of the puzzle together. I went online and found a bio of Oprah Winfrey and saw... The birth dates of when her mom was born and when her siblings were born. And he says, Mom, Mom, Mom, what's the year of your first sibling? And I said, 54. Which is the year I was born. So with that information... We realized that Oprah could be my sister.

2:13:20Could this actually be true? Could this actually really? Well, yeah, of course it can. Because if you have a sibling that was born, say, on March 18th and you find out that Oprah was born in March and your sibling was born in 1972 and Oprah was born in 1972, you're probably sisters. So it works. You never know. Never know. She was searching for her parents. Not over the other girl. Yes, it is true. Mom, we're rich. We're rich. Yeah. She walks out in a fur coat. Yeah. Sling. Yeah. A grill. Driving a diamond Rolls Royce. On a Segway. On a Segway. My mother, Bernita, is also Patricia's birth mother. That means Patricia is my half-sister, who I never...

2:14:25knew existed. She is suing me for not knowing. And she's suing me for $18 billion for damages. When Oprah was nine, she went and lived in Tennessee with her dad. And while she was with her dad, her mom was pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption and never told Oprah. Oprah never saw her mom until long after she had the baby. It's her big surprise. She never knew. It's her big surprise. That's right. I mean, imagine if that happened to you. That would be amazing. Yeah. A lot of people have sisters and brothers. Well, yeah. Half-sisters and brothers. Not that they didn't know about their whole life. That means she's in her 50s and she didn't know about it. I guess. Big revelation today. Today, Oprah Winfrey, did you hear this? She announced that she has found her half-sister who was given up for adoption as a child. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And then, so that no one felt left out, Oprah gave everyone in the audience their own half-sister. You get a sister! She's half of one! Woods casually mentioned something to me the other day. We were having lunch, and he casually mentioned something, and I go, what? And he goes, he goes,

2:15:50Oh, you knew that. And I go, dude, don't even try. You knew that. Uh-oh. What'd you do? Brace yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll tell you all about one of Wood's former professionals. I've been standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona. Such a fine sight to see. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 85th reunion of the Eagles. Take it easy. Drive you crazy. Me too. My dad is a big Eagles fan. You either love them or you hate them. Some people, I haven't met a lot of people that are like, eh, you know, you love them or you go, dude, that is the dumbest, hickest. I love it. It's so good. There's a scene in Big Lebowski where,

2:17:36Big Lebowski is like saying how much he hates the Eagles and the cab driver kicks him out of the ass. You should. We're going to do Pick It Apart here in a minute. Today we're not picking apart a movie, a TV show. We're picking apart a song. So Woods and I are having lunch last week. And he floats this by. And I go, what? What the heck did you do? And he goes, what? And I go, you did that? And he goes, yeah, you knew that. And I go, no, Woods. Woods worked at a gay bar. What? What? Yeah. You did not. Yes, he did. And he talked to his boss this morning about it. He worked at a gay bar. He said, half the bartenders were straight, like him. And I go, how often would guys hit on you? And he goes, in that Woods way, he goes,

2:18:40Every night. Duh. You loved it, didn't you? The attention. Lots of tips. There's nothing more flattering. Is it flattering? Is it flattering? For a straight man? It is, sure. Yes. To be able to get hit on by women and gay men. Yeah. What'd you have to do for those tips? Can I explain myself before you just throw it out there so brazenly? What was the name of it, Woods? It's called the Mashed Potato Club. The name of the gay bar that Woods was a bartender at was called the Mashed Potato Club. Hello. How did you get the job there? More than likely.

2:19:35You know how you get it. I want to know why you applied, how it went, how old were you. It's going to make a lot more sense than just brazenly throwing it out there. You work at the Mashed Potato Club. So I have a friend in Chicago, a dear friend, his name is Shane Hughes. And Shane was the guy that these restaurants in Chicago would hire. And if they were having trouble with their menu, the guy, he's a chef and he was a wizard. So they hired him because their menu was a little stale. Now, their specialty there was, yes. Mashed potatoes. Yes, and they had 200 different toppings that you could put on mashed potatoes. All these different combos. I could guess one. Oh, my God. It's a really gross visual. Wink, wink. Wink, wink. Wink, wink. So I'm in college at the time. I'm at Loyola, and Shane had been my manager at a normal bar before called Cactus. The straight bar. Yeah, the straight bar. Thank you for clarifying. Called the Donut Hole. Yeah. So, apparently they had hired Shane to revamp their menu. Well, Shane, hey, do you know any good bars? Now, that bar he worked out was called Franks and Beans. Is that right? Franks but long. No. We worked. Pot roast union.

2:21:11We worked at the Cactus together. The Cactus? It's a normal bar. It's called Cactus. It's called Cactus. Straight bar. A lesbian bar. Badass bar. So we had a great summer and I went back to school. Imagine the logo. It was a cactus. I wonder. So he calls me. I get this phone call out of the blue and he goes, hey, Woodsy, it's Shane. I need to hire like four bartenders. Four gays. I need to hire like four bartenders. Stat. Are you interested? It's called mashed potatoes. And I need to hire four waiters. And he goes, I already got Tommy, Casey, all the boys from Cactus. Ricky, Bobby. Ricky, Danny, Terry, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Davey, Robbie. We know you can do that. So anyway, he called me and I go, and I had no idea what this place was. So I go. I needed a gig. I was working and I was in school and I go, yeah, I'll bartend weekends. So he goes, come down on Wednesday, black pants, black button down shirt. And I go, okay. Sharp. He goes, shave your stomach. Make sure to tan. So I get off the train and I start walking and I'm walking and I'm walking and I go, oh, that building's bright yellow. That's interesting. Bright yellow. And I walk inside and I go.

2:22:37Oh, wow. Shane, there's a mural on the wall of two nude men. There's a mural on the wall of two nude women. Nice. And I walk in and I go, hey, dude, what the hell is this? And he's like, hey, and Shane's real. He's real blunt. And he's like, hey, listen, dude, there's a lot of gay dudes come in here, but it's cool. I'm running the kitchen. You guys got the front of the house. You're going to make a ton of dough. And I'm like. I go, oh, okay. Well, I had to learn 40 different flavored martinis. Yeah, you did. And it was, let's say it was gay friendly. There was a lot of gay dudes that came in there. And I'll tell you what. Hi. Hi. Steven. Yes. Hi. Can I help you? I'll take a fuzzy navel. You got it. That was it, dude. But let me tell you. Oh, sorry. Your phone number. No, no. But I'll tell you, I make a lot of chocolatini. I met. Yes. A lot of those. I met a lot of girls working there. As you can imagine, they'd come in and they'd be like, oh, you know, they'd be drinking martinis with their girlfriends at the bar and they'd be like, oh, so are you gay? And I'd be like, absolutely not. And they'd be like, oh, we're going over here. Why don't you grab Shane and Tommy in case.

2:23:59The greatest time. Oh, yeah. We had the greatest time. As a straight woman, it's nice to go to a gay bar because you think, you know, the guys that usually look, oh, hey, can I get you a drink? They're just, you know. They just want to hang out. Yeah, they'll tell you they like your shoes. Your purse. Yeah, tell you if you need to change your hairstyle. Oh, my gosh. I love your purse. But we had. We had the best time working there. And then all the gay dudes that worked there were freaking hysterical. It was a big party every night for about six months. So you were saying you had a ball? Those guys have balls. I meant testicles. Wink, wink. Wink, wink. Are you saying testicles? Was your boss a nut job? No. More than likely. My dad. Comes from Texas to visit his son. Oh, my God. He knew. You warned him. I didn't. What? He comes from Texas to visit his son in college. He's on a business trip. And it was Halloween. Oh, my. You got to be kidding. I'm not kidding. And I'm sure if M1 Hawk is listening, he will probably call in. He came to visit on Halloween, which they decided that it's Halloween. Let's have a big.

2:25:19drag show. A masquerade. A drag show. They built a stage and they had a drag show. And dude, by the end of the night, did Hawk have his shirt off? These guys are so nice. All these guys are so friendly. My dad sat at the bar, watched his son work, and was looking at me like... Where the hell is my son gone? Where is he? Somebody's got a hold of him. But I was like, Dad, I mean, I was making like 200, 300 bucks a night. Yeah, what does your son do? He's a bartender at the Mashed Potato Club. What is that? It's a homosexual restaurant slash bar and grill. Oh, okay. What does he do there? He bartends at the homosexual restaurant and bar. It's called the, what is it? The Mashed Potato Club is the name of it. He was mortified. I say kudos to you. He was mortified because that just ain't my dad. Watching, I mean, dudes in boas and heels and like. He likes to go golfing with you. Yeah, he's a golfer, likes to watch football. You know, and I like all those things too. But I also like making money and hanging out with gay dudes and meeting chicks. Yeah. You're very secure.

2:26:36I was very scared. And like I said, it was the greatest six months ever. It's great. And then Shane flipped the restaurant, went to another one, and I followed him a couple more places. Is it called like truffle mash now? Yeah. I think it's closed down, but I actually Googled it after I told Mikey this. There's a picture of it. You can find a picture of it, and it's bright yellow. The mashed potato club. Mashed potato club. Made a boatload of dough. I'm like, how did you not tell me? There's still certain things we don't know about. That's true. I thought I gave all my stories up. No. I'm surprised I didn't come up. Uh-oh. We got M1 Hawk. M1 Hawk is Woodsy's dad. How proud can I be? Oh, I bet. I bet. No, you talk about shock. I watched a guy come in with his date. Was that all fours? He was walking them like a dog. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. How uncomfortable to be that guy? Oh, my gosh. Do you get a hit on at all? Yeah, Dad, don't mind the guy walking the guy. I had a couple of grab asses, but not much. Oh, my God. Steven planted me there for tips. My dad was there in Dockers.

2:27:54Polo shirt. Just watching me work. You know, just kid being dynamic behind the bar. He gave him no warning. No. I told him. I go, it's going to be a little crazy tonight. Tonight may not be the best night to come in. And he's like, no, I want to come down and hang out. I'm saying, well, yeah. I want to see my son work at the gay bar. I want to see my son work at the gay bar. What father does it? I had met Shane before. So I know he was like a gourmet cook. So I thought, you know, a mashed potato. Yeah. I bet it was a good time. Oh, boy. Fun night. It was one to remember, that's for sure. One to remember. Yeah. And there's too many stories I can't tell on the air, but Stephen did get a lot of tips. A lot of tips. Did he dress as a sailor? Did you dress up that night? I did not dress up. You didn't dress up. I was in my standard black pants. You weren't a telephone repairman? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. You were not? Black pants, black button down. I would maybe pop a button. Oh, of course you did. You've got to work it, Mike. If you got it, flaunt it. Explain to the earring with pierced ear. You weren't a police officer with mirrored glasses? Nope. No? Indian chief? Didn't meet a lot of ladies, though, there. Lots of ladies. It was a real fun time. He didn't shy away from the act at all. That's true. That's right. He loved it. I was prancing around, flitting around, if you will. So nothing's changed. Yes. Thank you, M1 Hawk. We'll see you this weekend.

2:29:16See you this weekend. See you soon, Pop. Love you. We'll see you. He was mortified. Your dad is the greatest. He is. He was mortified. And that's true. A guy had a dog collar. Oh, my God. Walking in on all fours. Imagine having to walk on all fours all night long. Let me tell you something. If you want to know where Woodsy gets his sense of humor, he gets it from his dad. His dad is funny. I want to see your dad joking around and messing around with us this weekend. Yeah. We have, coming up. The Bachelor was arrested. What? That's right. Brad? In his past. Oh, wow. Who cares? And you'll see what it was. Next. The dude that's The Bachelor, Brad Womack. You know who it is, right, Woods? Yeah, I knew his name was Brad. He's like a repeat guy. Your wife watch it? Yeah, she loves it. had a criminal record and they asked him about it. Now, it recently came out that you have a criminal record. What were you arrested for? You know something? I'm so glad you brought that up because I've been waiting to address it. No, I really am. We brought up in every paper and everything else. It was 20 years ago. And what it boils down to... And how old are you now? I'm 38. I'm happy to say it. I'm 38 years old.

2:30:59I was a stupid fraternity kid. I had a fake ID. I tried to get into bars. I'm a stupid kid. I'm still a stupid kid, you know? The only thing that shows I can get into bars legally now. You know, you'll find me in a bar tonight. That's the whole thing? You had a fake ID? That's it. That sounds like Brett Favre. Riveting. You had a fake ID. Big deal. You're an amateur, pal. Oh, he's glad it came up because he didn't want people to paint him as a bad boy. He loves being a bad boy. I have a feeling. Hey. Hey, girl. I'm in a bar right now. Hey, did you hear that I got busted with a fake ID when I was 18? I was a stupid fraternity kid. You did? I did. Oh, give him a... You're bad. Hey, I spent 45 minutes in jail. You're bad. Well, feast on this. Wasn't 45, it was 25. 25 minutes. Paperwork took another 20. Well, the paperwork said 45 minutes. I'm a bad boy. Pick it apart. Pick it apart. Pick a part bit of that scene for me. It's not a scene today. Don't yell at him. It's not his fault. Yelling at the guy. It's not a scene, idiot. Shut up. Why did I say that? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You don't even know what you're singing about. You idiot. Of course you screwed it up, Mike. Of course you did.

2:32:17Of course you thought that you were going to diagnose a scene, didn't you? Diagnose. And I do not like scenes from famous films being picked apart. Yeah, if you're going to pick apart a film, how about it's noir? You mean Oscar winner, for God's sake. Goodness gracious. Give me a foreign independent film, you moron. I'm Kramer versus Kramer. Something with Glenn Close or Meryl Streep, perhaps? Angelica Houston? Dame Judi Dench? All right. So my wife apparently is on an eight-month delay and is just now finding this song from Taylor Swift, Dear John, right? So I've had to hear it in the car over and over and over and over and over and over. But she bought the whole album. She bought the whole Taylor Swift album. Not mad at her. So she let it track, you know, and thought you guys might get a kick out of these lyrics. Woods knows it by heart. So is this every guy? So the story is, if I get this correctly,

2:33:48That every guy just makes you feel like a turd. I mean, has there ever been a good relationship? Because every song is about the guy that... What they did wrong. Yes. Have you ever been happy in a relationship, Taylor? Maybe she needs to look in the mirror. Throwing Chinese stars at you. Yeah. Weapons. Calling me out when I'm wounded. She gets wounded a lot. Yeah, she's been wounded a lot. I've been telling you guys, she's a nightmare. Somebody that calls people out sure is like... She writes every song. The song should be called I'm Calling You Out. Yeah, you're an SOB and I'm going to tell the world. Maybe you don't throw stones. Doesn't she live in LA? Did you hear that? I heard it. Did you miss it? You missed it. Oh, I got it. Are you going to be as mean? One day I'll be living in a big city and all you're going to be as mean. That wasn't mean of her to say at all. She's so perfect.

2:35:22She's not bragging or anything. He won't even have a job or a friend or anything. I was a loser. You know, Mike, I was going to say, and all you're going to do is stink, but they wouldn't let me put that in the record, so I had to go in. All you're going to be is mean. But she's always dated people that work in Hollywood, so they already live in a big old city. In a big old city. Well, that happens the older you get. As a woman, a lot of times, and after you give birth, you know, I mean, you're going to put on some pounds. So, I mean, you're okay. And then maybe that's what she meant, and then maybe not. But, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, women put on some weight the older they get. So do men. I mean, I've put on 30 pounds. Oh, she's going to grow still? She's not growing. Right? I think she meant she's going to be an even bigger star than you already is. Yeah. I thought she meant, like, wider. She's not at all modest. Let me take a look in the mirror. The song's called Mean. I wonder why it didn't make it on the radio. Yeah. It needs more mandolin, I think. It's so good. This is the one that she was like, I'm telling you, this is going to be the next single. And they're like, Taylor, I feel like we've been in this. Look, I know. There's a lot of mean people out there and a lot of girls that know mean guys.

2:36:53You're the boss, Taylor. This is going to be the one. Taylor, the thing is, we've kind of gone down that road with you. Yeah, and... And we've done that soon. Am I not the biggest star in my age bracket? You are, Ms. Taylor. Okay, so we're going to get some clapping and some snapping in the background. Yeah. I'm going to have my friends over. I have a sleepover. With all due respect, Ms. Swift, I like the single. Thank you. You're welcome, and I just think that maybe there's another single on the record. There are. There's other ones that are going to top the charts. I'm just saying, this is the one that's going to... I think even Kanye's going to tweet about this. But isn't it weird, Ms. Swift, that the lyrics are sort of... Help me out, John. All we're going to do is mean. They're similar. It's kind of your bit. It's basic. Very simple. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it? Well, they do. It's working. They do say that, but at some point, something breaks. Who has more money, me or you? You definitely do. All right. She's the boss.

2:38:00Yeah, for sure, John. Scoreboard. It's a tank. It's a blatant ripoff of the Dixie Chicks. Yeah, for sure. Excuse me, the who? No, I didn't say anything. Go ahead. Who, a blatant ripoff of you? John, I think it's a great single. We should go with it. I'll go to another label. Don't. No, please don't go to another label. Please don't go to another label. Please don't go to another label. You don't have to go to another label. Let's give it another listen. I like it. It's catchy. It's kind of growing up. Thank you. I like the part about the humiliation. And I like the way that you made it sort of. Did she say Wi-Fi? I think so, yeah. Did you weave Wi-Fi in there? Weaved Wi-Fi in there, which is very hip. Your Wi-Fi lies? Yeah, and if you listen later, there's Tweet in there. Tweet? LOL is in there. LOL is in there. That's good. And OMG, did you get on? No, OMG is kind of overplayed, but there is a WTF, but actually I changed it to WTH. Because it's like, what the heck? Yeah, what the heck? Or like, what the hell? What the hell? No, heck. No. What?

2:39:05The hell? No. Take it easy. What the heck? Oh, heck. What the heck? You know what? I'm hearing it now, too, now that I'm listening to it. Yeah. I see it. Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit. Did you like what I did with Humiliation? Humiliation, the way that it kind of goes in a sort of... One word, but it was almost an entire lyric. It was almost a lyric in itself. You know, you made one... You can do that. I've got an idea. Your next song could be Humiliation. No. No? That's like a whole line? No. That's like, maybe you should talk to Mariah Carey, John. She's relevant. You know what, Ms. Swift? I think that the humiliation part that you did was perfect. Thank you. What's your name again? Fred. Fred, okay.

2:40:23That girl can sing. I'm starting to like it better now. You know what? She can sing. It's goofy lyrics, but she can sing. It's very sweet. There's a sweetness to it. If I'm a guy and I'm in Hollywood and I want to be with Taylor Swift and I listen to her lyrics, I'm like scared to death of her. She's psychotic. She is nuts. Wait, wait, wait. You're going to think this is funny. Before I say this, before I tell you this story, the conversation I'm about to impart to you. is what i call a distraction conversation in other words it's a fun conversation meant to distract from you know serious stuff like autism and things like that because a lot of people will be like really you had a 20 minute conversation with your wife about taylor swift right i did i did and it's a distraction you know we have fun with it you know we had a conversation but my wife believes that uh john mayer is a complete d and i go

2:41:23Are you kidding me? And she goes, I'm telling you, I listen to that song, Dear John. Is that her? Yeah, she's here. She's bringing the twin state. I hear the boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have her come in. She can have the conversation on the air. Hi, sweetheart. Hi. Hi. Nita's here, too. So are the boys. Never met Nita. You never met Nita? No. Oh, my goodness. Hi, Rye. Rye, Rye. She's so cute. Rye, Rye. Rye, Rye. Daddy. Hi. Dada. Rye, Rye. Dada. Ligaloogey. Look at Lukey. Yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. Lukey, ever cry? Let him go out. If he doesn't want to come in, he doesn't have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, that's so cute. He's sitting on dad's house. Come here, sick daddy. Oh, hi, bud. Hi, Bobby. Hi. Look at those big blue eyes. Oh, he's handsome. Oh, my goodness. What a handsome kid. Hi, Ryan. Oh, my gosh. It's amazing how much bigger they are now. I know. They're walking in here. Ry, Ry, you're such a big boy. Hi, buddy.

2:42:34He has no idea. Like, wow, look at all this. Have they ever been in here? Rebecca, come sit down. We're going to talk a little Taylor Swift with you. Yeah, hon. I was telling the story about the conversation that we had about how you think John Mayer's a D. Absolutely. And I go, are you being serious? And she goes, yeah. And I go, why? She goes, a 19-year-old. Yeah, a poor defenseless. 19 year old girl. He's like 40. Babe. That's disgusting. Same age difference as me and Tom. Watch what you're saying. I knew what I was doing just as much as he did. Thank you. You didn't start dating him at 19. Babe. 21. Babe. Do you think that maybe she knew like what kind of slay master he is? I think that she did. But I think. clearly he's good at what he does. I mean, clearly. Really? So he's like a criminal. Mikey, don't you think 19's too young to be messed with? Oh, boy. Not if you're old enough to know that 19's too young to be messed with. That girl in the dress cried the whole way home. Tell him what you said. I thought this was kind of brilliant. No, I really believe that this is true. I guarantee you, I guarantee you that when he was working his magic with her...

2:43:55I guarantee you there was like a note or a text or a voicemail or something or some flowers that said like to the girl in the dress. Yeah, 100%. I guarantee you. It's an inside thing. It's an inside thing. Guaranteed. I guarantee you. That he referred to her as the girl in the dress. The girl in the dress. And she put that in the song to kind of like. I guarantee it. Damn, that's great. I guarantee it. Like maybe at some award show or something. And he sent her some flowers afterwards. To the beautiful girl in the dress. To the girl in the dress. And that's where it all started. The girl in the dress cried the whole time. way home. That's what I was going to say. Look at his list. That's what makes her goofier, babe. She thought she was going to be the one to change it all. 19-year-old Taylor said, all change him. Jennifer Aniston couldn't change him. No, no, no. He's good at what he does. All of the other women that he's been with, they know the deal too. The difference is that Somebody like Jennifer Aniston, who's older, more experienced, has dated, even been married. She got as worked over as Taylor did. Listen, she, I think.

2:45:02has more of a, you know, responsibility in terms of her, like, maturity to be able to go, you know what? I'm not going to go there. No matter how good you are, I'm not going to go there. She didn't, babe. Jennifer Aniston got sucked in. Listen, Taylor Swift at 19, like, of course it's going to work on her. She's 19 years old. 19 is too young to be messed with. If you can choose our country's leader, you can date a guy older than you. There are some girls that are that young, though, that have game. Look at Kristen Cavalieri. take down anyone. I thought it was weak that she tried to play the 19-year-old card. It's not like she was 16. Rebecca, I was heartbroken for that girl. Listen, she's of age. He's a serial. There's no way that she could have resisted his charm. He's a serial boner. He's really good at it. He's a serial boner. He has serious games. He should have. If his game works with Jennifer Aniston... It's going to work with you. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. It is. His piece should be bronze. It's in the hall. He's a hall of famer. He's a hall of famer. It was fish in a barrel with her. I'm not sure we should celebrate this. Well, he's a hall of famer. Excuse me. What I don't, I think it's ridiculous, the notion that, like, she's a defenseless, please. Hey, 19 is too young to be married. Maybe we should take away her right to vote. You can be married. Maybe 21.

2:46:25Maybe, no, you're going out with John Mayer. No, you're going to get slayed in the left. That's what he does. Does she not read any magazines out there? I don't. But she was like, this was Taylor Swift. I'm different. I'll change it. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what she said in the song. My mom warned me. I told her it was different. Not only that, but in her music, she even says, like, they're the cheerleader type. I'm the... I'm the one with, like, the brain. I wear the personality. So when she met him, she was like, you know, Jennifer Aniston, she might be beautiful. She's not the girl in the sneakers and the t-shirt. She's the cheer captain. Yeah. Jen Aniston is the cheer captain. I'm the smart girl that you really want to be with. I'm the preachers. She didn't have a chance. Oh, no way. She didn't have a chance. No girl does. But she thinks she does. I agree. And he's not going. No girl does. And so, you know what? How about, John, stick with people who are over 20. Babe, would you go out with Ted Bundy? You know he's a serial killer. No, I wouldn't. Why would you go out with him? Don't go out with him. Listen. You know he's a serial killer. He was handsome.

2:47:32Yeah, but you know not to get in that yellow bug. I can change him. He won't kill me. He won't kill me. You can't resist. You can't say no. Oh, I can resist. Sorry. I bet you couldn't. Oh, yeah. I don't think I could. I couldn't. I'm married and I couldn't. There's no way. I don't like the stringy. No, he'll get you. He'll get you. He clearly knows what he's doing. He'll get you. He would get L.O.B. in five seconds. That's too long. That's four seconds too long. Let's get him on the show and we'll try it out. Just for the show. That guy, when Woods talks about a mouthpiece. There's nothing like John Mayer. Taylor Swift says in her song that he has a sick need to give love and take it away. Take it away. That's his bit. And I agree. That's his bit. Been there. I just can't stand her. Look at all the boyfriend she's had. And it's always their bad. I can't get over it. She and Jake Gyllenhaal, over. It's always his fault, too.

2:48:30He used her like a pawn in a game of chess. She should learn. She feels real good. Listen to these lyrics. Listen to what he says. I believe that he's a serial girl dater. Yeah, serial girl dater. He calls Taylor Swift, and she's a musician, by the way. He calls her at, I don't know, 2 o'clock in the morning. And he's like, hey. I wrote this for you, and I'm going to play it on the phone. And tell me if you can hear it. I'm on my way. And he plays it a couple times. She's like, you have to do it louder. And he's like, okay, how's this? And she's like, yeah, that's perfect. And he goes, okay, I'm going to sing it for you.

2:49:50L.O.B.'s rolling her eyes. She would be throwing her clothes off. Not taking her clothes off. No. She would be ripping them with scissors. Ripping them with scissors. You would be like when somebody gets to the ER and they're bleeding and they have to take those scissors to cut your pants off. Give me the Pepsi challenge. That's true. L.O.B., he has magical powers. It's magical. It's not the look. It's the game. He has skin. And you want to know what all those women know. I'm a perpetual game stomper. Oh, wow. To the girl in the dress. Yeah, the girl in the drive. And you want to know how I know that it's really real? There's going to be another one. And it's going to be a huge name. Yeah. He goes after the it girl. Yeah. And you go, how, how, how, how, how, how? Give me some heartbreak. Olivia Munn or Dunn or whoever that chick is. She's next. Brooklyn Deckers. Who did you say, babe? You said some other girl, too. Mia. Oh, Minka. No. Minka Kelly. That's Jeter's girlfriend. No, no, no. He already has been there. Oh, yeah. Minka Kelly. Minka Kelly. He'll go after the girl that just broke up with Macaulay Culkin. Minka Kelly. Dipping like a pimp. Oh, Mila Kunis. Or Scarlett Johansson.

2:50:56Yes, Scarlett. Honey. That's the next one. What's the list? What's the list? Oh, gosh. I can't keep track. Minka Kelly. Minka Kelly. Jennifer Aniston. Love Hewitt. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson. He's my hero. And Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. That's a nice little. There's been more, though. Kristen Cavallari. Thousands of unknowns. Yeah. Yeah, unknowns. I'm surprised he's not tired of, you know. It's a gate. He wants to see how much younger and hotter he can go. He sings one song that's like, I'm perfectly lonely. Talking about like, I'm happy. I'm stoked. I'm happy by myself. Everyone else has plans with their wives and their girlfriends. I can do whatever I want. You mother. Ryan's eating like his headphones. I think I'm more and more in on John Mayer every day. Yeah. I love his music. I love his music. The voice is so charming. My friend in Dallas, the notorious Lothario Bark Malman, that is his bit. When John Mayer comes to town, and I'm not kidding, when he's got a girl that's in the pen that he hasn't really closed yet, takes her to John Mayer. Doesn't that show him up? No, says it works every time. M1 Bo from Normal Heights. Yo, how you doing? Good.

2:52:24Hey, I got a mathematical equation that's scientifically proven. All right. Age disparity of how old or how young you can date somebody. All right. All right. What you do is you take the older person's age, divide it by two, and add seven. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. How old? Okay. Let's say I'm 40, so 20, and then add seven. Add seven. Plus seven. That's 27. 27, yeah. And if you take it down to scale, a 14-year-old, divide it by two. And at seven, they're dating another 14-year-old. And as the age, and when they're younger, the difference is about three, four years. And as you get older, as you progress, as an adult, there's not too much of a difference between a 28-year-old and, say, a 38-year-old. Todd and I fit in that category. How old is Todd? He will be 39 tomorrow. 39 divided by... Well, 38. 38. Okay, 38 divided by two is what? That's 19 plus seven is 26. Oh. So that's right on there. I'm 25. You almost make the cut. What about Hugh Hefner? Oh, wow. Yeah, I think he definitely falls with him being 84 and her being 24. How old is John Mayer? He's like 32. I don't know, but Rebecca's like, he's 40. I think he's 40. No, he's old. He's not 40. I think he's 32. She's 21. He's 32. Whatever it is, it's not, like, she's no innocent little, you know, please. She didn't have a chance. She didn't have a chance. Not against that guy. No girl has a chance. She didn't have a chance.

2:53:51Hi, Ryan. Don't be sad. He's like, Mom. He's all sad about Taylor as well. He's like, who can I date? No Miley Cyrus, Ryan. Born in 77 was Mr. Mayor. That makes him 33 years old. Almost 34, maybe. October 16, 1977. He's only 33. That's not... He should be celebrated as... A master swordsman. He doesn't have any repeat business. No, he doesn't need it. New biz all the time. If I remember correctly, though, Jessica Simpson was trying to work it out. So was Aniston. And he wasn't biting. Aniston said he just kept calling the paparazzi to show up because he wanted to be like, look at me. Look at me and the eighth girl. Amazing. He must be bored. And I mean that. I really mean that. It's a sick game, I think. Yeah, I really believe that if you've been with Jennifer Aniston and you've been with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt, there's not a girl where you go, well, I can't go out with her. Right. You don't do that. What's that like? You know, you can have almost any woman in the world. Well, you know, that's not where... I mean, genuinely, I think if you were to really ask him, he's not happy.

2:55:10I don't think he's happy. I don't think so either. I don't think he's a happy dude. I think he's blown through all that, but I don't think he's a happy guy. Perfectly lonely, like he said in the song. That's what he says, man. I wish I could play guitar like that. I'm learning this song, and it's incredible. It's such an incredible song. The girls in here are like, man. The guy's like, oh. He writes the most honest. Yep. Sad. This is Doritos for me. I can't listen to this very often. Me too. Wow. This is Big Macs and Chicken Nuggets. It's not good for you. I say this is not good for you. But it's so good. I would give this finger my left pinky to be able to have that voice. And I'm not kidding. Today. Today. Who is this?

2:56:35City in Color. Oh, this is the group that you love. Dallas Green. Dallas Green. I just watched some live stuff of them. He's incredible live. He is. He sounds just like it. Incredible. But I told, Rebecca and I talked about it. She goes, you know, I can't listen to it too much because I get depressed. Yeah, you get sad. I get sad. It's like Elliot Smith. I love, love, love his music, but it puts me in a strange place. I was thinking about this morning driving in. I will oftentimes work out to music like this. Is that really weird? It's different. It kind of pumps me up a little bit. I don't know why. You have to be in the right mood. And when you are, then absolutely it will work. Like on the treadmill or something? Yeah. I could listen to that and be like, it's weird. The thing that I noticed about him when I first listened to his music is that his lyrics are like a running dialogue. Yeah. They're just what he's thinking. And they're not dumb. No. We're in. I got to see this dude live. I really want to know what he looks like right now. He's pretty sharp. Yeah, he's covered in tattoos. He's covered in tattoos. I thought he was going to be all neck. He is. I watched this. Maybe it was an older video. But I watched it the other day and he didn't look. I saw like a couple on his sleeve or whatever. Yeah, he's got them on his neck. I didn't see that. Yeah. You know Dallas Green, Hillary? City in color. No idea. Looks very intellectual. Yeah. I was thinking. I don't know what I was thinking.

2:58:10You know this? I've heard of The City in Color. They're playing Sunday Night Coachella. It reminds me of Trey from Fist. Really? He looks like him. Oh, his looks. Yeah, not the voice. He's got a lot of different sounds because he also does harmonica. It's way different. He's doing that with his throat. He's got the whole harmonica holder thing around the neck. Oh, I love that. That's so hard to do. And he's playing. Oh, wow. It's like a happy vibe, but he's talking about funeral. Yeah. Oh, like. Listen to this. Like I said, this is my Doritos. I won't listen to it very often. But listen to the words of this. Sounds all cheery and everything. Then listen to what he says.

2:59:17Still got that minor chord, though. It's like... A coma might feel better than this. See, I love that stuff to me, man. I love the cure. I love sad-ass music. Attempting to discover where to begin. Maybe Lexapro. You know what I need to burn for you guys? Did I ever burn Mark Eitzel for you? Yep, you gave it to me. I got it. It's heartbreaking. The guy cries while he's playing. Oh, my goodness. It's a live album he did. It's like a British import or a European import years ago. I mean, it's like 15 years old. He's the lead singer for American Music Club. Sorry. And he does this live set at this little club in Europe somewhere.

3:00:16And he has to stop singing one of the songs because he gets joked. Wow. Seriously? Yeah. And he's like a heavy drinker. Yeah. But he knows that it's, you know, really pathetic. And oh, my God. Talk about heartbreaking. Wow. So it is. Love it. Sorry to tell you this, Mr. Dallas Green, but we tried everything we could to save your Martin. What happened to my Martin? Fretboard. Really? It warped? It cracked. Who cracked my fretboard? It was Jay. I just want you to know that Grace Mercy, we sort of pride ourselves on being able to restore old instruments. And we did everything in our power. Well, I get that, man. And it's not your fault. Because I had asked him. If it was, you know, what happened to it? And he had said, he said, quote, it was like this when I got it. Yeah, the problem, sir, is that he's a pathological liar. Oh, okay. He's a pathological liar. And a cheapskate, right? Tell him how the rest of the body splintered when we tried to put it back together. I wasn't, boy. Oh, boy.

3:01:39You guys just ruined my day. Well, no. I mean, it's the truth. When we try to put it back together, the rest of the body did splintered. Well, fine. Here's the deal. I can get another Martin. I really love that one. Just have Jay pay for it. He's always up for paying for stuff. That's the other thing. What? He's a notorious cheapsk. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. So you're just telling me I'm basically screwed up. What I'm telling you is that your life, as you know it, is over. Thanks for doctor and nurse. You did all you could. We did all we could. I'm sorry. Tell them how we had to incinerate the guitar. I wasn't going to, but now that you mention it, what happened was since we figured we couldn't fix it. And he wouldn't pay for it. And he wouldn't pay for it because he's a notorious cheapskate. We had to incinerate the guitar. Did you donate its organs? We did. What we did was we took the strings and there was a little... ukulele in Houston. Played by an Asian guy? Yes, by an Asian guy that needed strings. And so what we did was we took the strings from your tailor, Martin, and we put them into an igloo cooler and put them on board a helicopter and we flew them to Houston to this little ukulele. I thank you guys and I guess I'm out a couple grand on this deal, huh?

3:03:06It's actually more than that. You're not insured. And neither is Jay. Weird. My wife was watching Grey's Anatomy. Weird. Still my favorite show. Do you watch it regularly? Oh, yeah. They haven't had a new episode in a couple weeks and I've been depressed over it. It was this guy and he was going, we were in a parade and they wouldn't even let us walk up the steps of that courthouse. The gay pride parade. And I go, and I go, I go, I watch it and I go, are they doing a parody of Grey's Anatomy? And she goes, no. And she's like all teared up. No. And I go, for real, this is really Grey's Anatomy? And she goes, shh.

3:03:58So mean. I swear I thought. Maybe you have a heart. You stay out during that. I have to stay out during Grey's Anatomy because I thought it was like Saturday Night Live. And I'm like, that's messed up to make fun of Grey's Anatomy like that. He was upset because his new, his partner, they were trying to get married, was kicked by a horse. He had a carriage for him and he was kicked by a horse and trampled. Oh, my gosh. It was sad. It was really sad. Sad and realistic. No, he was upset because they didn't get to have a wedding. And he said, why can't I have a wedding? I wanted to do something really special because it was a big day for us. Tell your fiancé don't stand behind a horse. Everybody knows that. His fiancé didn't try to stand behind a horse. The horse was there. It got in the way. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. And he felt so bad. Grey's Anatomy is always on the pulse of what's happening in the head. Yes. Be careful because there could be somebody out there. Not funny. They draw from real life tragedies.

3:04:59It was a bit over the top, I felt. You know, I thought it was a little over. Gay men get kicked and killed by a horse. Now, had it been a burro. A burro. If it was a burro. They are known to kick out. I'd have been okay. Realistic. Yes. Oh, this is like Christmas. He was okay, though. After surgery, everything was okay. Of course. McSteamy saved him. Of course. McDreamy saved him. Oh, I thought it was McSteamy. All of them. McSteamy can save me. Both McDreamy and Steamy. They saved him, and they were rude. What about McDudu? Do you watch it? I used to. It's not as good anymore. It's emotional terrorism. Yeah, I don't watch it so much anymore, but I did love it at the time. I used to. I miss Katherine Heigl. Hillary, what do you have coming up? So many good things. Film School, who are doing the next About the Music show, February 11th at the Gas Bar. I'm going to play them. Mumford and Signs, Bad Religion, Kings of Lyon. And I've been in a Smiths mood lately, so some Smiths. Oh, let's go out tonight. It's an 8 o'clock album, the Smiths. The Smiths. That's right. Yeah, tonight's 8 o'clock album is the Smiths. Strange ways, here we go. All right, lovely and talented Hillary's up next. We'll see you tomorrow morning at 6. My key show's out. Thank you.