The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 01/27/11
Thursday, January 27, 2011
studio quirksparenting honestyBlack's Beachwrong number proposalmovie criticismtween makeuptexture aversionsballoon stuntengagement ringscelebrity fantasiesradio comedyparenting
Mike's fixation on his pen holder and his blunt ranking of his sons' baby haircuts turned everyday family details into arguments about order and parental honesty. Lauren O'Brien challenged Mike and Woods over The Wrestler, while the group also debated tween makeup and whether an engagement ring should be a surprise or a researched joint choice. The show's biggest physical gag came when producer Jay tried to climb into a giant balloon and it burst in his face, after which the fictional Senior Beans called out Woods's fast-food habits. Other standout stories included a soldier's proposal reaching the wrong voicemail, a grotesque Black's Beach encounter, the mock Interview with a Plebeian and confessions about imagining famous singers as romantic partners.
What happened, in order
The Pen-Holder Crisis
Mike spirals over his carefully arranged pens and highlighters being moved while Jay and the others tease him about his need for order.
Ranking the Babies
Mike candidly compares how cute his sons looked before and after their haircuts, prompting an argument over whether parents should ever admit a baby was not especially photogenic.
Black's Beach Field Report
A conversation about San Diego's nude beach escalates from naked volleyball to caller Ryan's story of a huge sunbather sitting behind him and eating hard-boiled eggs.
Proposal to the Wrong Number
A soldier in Afghanistan leaves a heartfelt marriage proposal for his pregnant girlfriend Samantha on Diane Potts's voicemail, forcing Diane to search publicly for the intended recipient.
The Wrestler Verdict
Lauren O'Brien praises Mickey Rourke and the realism of The Wrestler but calls it slow and predictable, while Mike and Woods defend every bleak moment of the film.
Makeup for Eight-Year-Olds
The hosts argue over Walmart's makeup line for girls ages eight to twelve, separating harmless special-occasion play from pressure to look grown-up and debating how strict parents should be.
Interview with a Plebeian
Mike becomes a cape-wearing, piano-playing intellectual who belittles Woods, Sienna and Lauren for their books and music in an extended mock interview.
Texture Horror Show
Mike's hatred of cotton candy opens a floodgate of aversions involving splintery wood, wet wool, pudding skin, mustard water and crumbs contaminating shared condiments.
Senior Beans Revolts
In a fake call, Woods's dog Senior Beans panics about being replaced by a baby, threatens revenge and exposes Woods's supposedly healthy diet as two nights of McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Jay Versus the Giant Balloon
Jay forces his head into a six-foot purple balloon until it explodes in his face, leaving his lips burning and his nose bleeding while he immediately asks to try again.
The Engagement-Ring Fight
Jennifer Love Hewitt's admission that she preselected three Tiffany rings launches a sharp debate over romantic surprise, personal taste and whether an expensive ring demands the recipient's input.
Songs Written About Me
The hosts confess to imagining singers as romantic partners, with Woods admitting that Taylor Swift's Dear John made him fantasize about being the man who inspired the breakup song.
People mentioned
MikeWoodsLauren O'BrienSiennaJayRebeccaLukeRyanNitaDiane PottsSamanthaMickey RourkeJennifer Love HewittEllen DeGeneres
28,399 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Woods just looked at me like I was a rainbow-colored zebra. Yes, I did. You want to explain what that was? Hurt. Just hurt. Just hurt? Yeah. What was hurting you about what just went down? That someone... That someone... Now, I know it was well-intentioned. Probably. Probably. It probably was. But it bothered me. You were really upset. It's so irritating. Please explain. All right. Oh, by the way, by the way, I told my wife yesterday that Jay gave me the best, one of the best compliments ever. Uh-oh. Jay said, dude, he goes, listen, you're weird, but you're fair and you're honest. And I thought that was a very nice compliment. That is a nice compliment. But I am weird. Yeah.
extraordinarily weird. It's true. Quirky. Quirky is a great term. You're quirky. Yeah. And I like things just where I need them. And because my brain does not function in a way that is necessarily organized, it's a hindrance to me when I have to dig through things to get to what I want. Right. So I have a little Pen holder. Square, wooden, rectangular, wooden. Pen holder. And all that should ever be in it. I should write this down. Yes. No, it's not your fault. I think it's the nighttime people that come in and clean. Probably. They've got a thing against you. Unless it's you, Jay. No, no. I didn't. I mean, I put your scissors back in there for sure. This is what's in there. Or should be in there. Pair of scissors.
A green highlighter, a blue highlighter, a yellow highlighter, a black Sharpie, and a red pen. That's it. And a pint of old Harper. Now you have in front of you your red pen and your black Sharpie. But what I just noticed, this is why I spun out. You threw a red pen away over there. It's a superfluous one. It's superfluous. Yes. You just threw it away. I'll take it. I look over and Mikey's got his thing and he goes. And he doesn't know that I'm looking at him. Thank you. And he goes, just throw him. I start throwing pens. I'm like, what the hell is he doing? He just threw a red pen away. Maybe that's where they're going. He didn't throw it away. No, I'm not away. Out of sight. Out of sight. Out of mind. It's a nice pen. I'll take it. Would this drive you nuts? Yes. It's a cup full. It's a mug full of just pens. You guys all have like receptacles and I have one. I just jacked this basket that we have and decided I'm going to take it. You did? Yeah. Because I have a lot of things. Is there a drawing basket? Yeah, you can use it for the drawing. I'm just going to use it when we're not using it. You can use my cap. I'll tell you what it is. At home, at my home, my wife takes extraordinary care of me. And one of the things that she does is everything is always neat and tidy. Not because of me. That's why everything here is a mess. Drives me crazy. My wife doesn't work here.
And you know what's interesting is I think, when did Rebecca and the boys come in? Tuesday? Yeah. They came in Tuesday towards the end of the show. The show wraps up. I look over and there's Lukey. And he's got daddy's pens and highlighters. And he is laying them out. One. Right next to the other. Yeah. Right next to the other. And he's making them even. And I look at him and I go, oh no. Yeah. Oh no. Well, and I said to Rebecca, I go, I go. Are you concerned about autism because of that? Because a lot of autistic kids will line things up. She said, of all of our kids, Luke is the least autistic of any of them. That's true, dude. That is true. That kid, they got their heads shaved yesterday. Good looking. They look like a baby. They look like cops, baby edition. They look like thugs. Baby fellas. Convicts. Convicts. I normally love long hair on little kids. Love it. And if Rebecca would have said, Sienna, I'm going to shave the boys' heads, I would have been like, no! Yeah. But they look so cute. So cute. Yeah. So cute. Yeah. That picture of Luke with his tongue out, like... He looks... I was like... Get out of here. Yeah. Get out of here, lady. Get that camera out of my... He's going to Sean Penn. Yeah, he looks like Sean Penn. Man.
Listen, it's such an odd reaction from everybody here on the show yesterday when I said that, you know, Ryan, my son Ryan, now looks pretty attractive to me. Oh, boy. He's always been attractive. Whereas before, you know, I thought... Mikey! Stop it. Mikey! Monster! Oh, my goodness. You know, it's so... You just stop. It's so incredible to me how people have such an aversion to just, you know... First of all, this child is not old enough to speak English. He can't understand. And he's sleeping right now. He's a year old. There are these taboos that we have that I think are so foreign to me. You know, I remember I was driving in a van with the band Third Day. We were going to the venue. I was showing them pictures because their drummer David said, you got pictures of the new kid? It was when Jake was born. I said, yeah. So I brought out my iPhone. I showed him a picture. He goes, oh, he's cute. And so all of a sudden, everybody's breaking their iPhones out and everybody's showing each other pictures of their kids, right? So Mac is their lead singer. And he's got a picture in his wallet of his kid who's about Ryan and Luke's age.
A year and a half almost? A year and a half. He shows me a picture and I go, oh, he's cute. He goes, you don't have to lie. Hang on a second. He goes, you don't have to lie. I go, no really, he's cute. Hear me out. I'm upset. He goes, you don't have to lie. It looks just like Benjamin Franklin. Admit it. Oh my gosh. And it made me laugh so hard. And all the guys laughed. They all knew it. Yeah, and it's like... Did he look like Benjamin Franklin? He looked just like Benjamin Franklin. What's a big whoop? He's a baby. They're going to change anyway. They're going to change so much anyway. But Ryan had this hair. Looked like a mop. Pretty hair, though. Ryan had hair. Looked like he was balding. And went to somebody and on bad advice got a bad toupee. You look like Maury from Goodfellas. Yes, Woods. Dude, Woods just nailed it. That's it. He looked like Maury from Goodfellas. I don't think so. Bad wig. I disagree. Bad wig. I always thought that Ryan had the best hair. Yeah. No. Jake had some really cute hair. Jake had hair. Oh, man. Hey, listen. I'll tell you flat out. When Jake was a baby, that was one sharp baby.
He was a handsome little boy. He's a sharp four-year-old. I think he's a sharp four-year-old. Ryan, always to me, he was never like my sharp kid. Oh, no. Sweetest baby. Wow. I don't see it like that. You're always supposed to. You guys are so, like, are we in the honest chair? We're in the belayer. I'll tell you. He was, listen, sweetest kid. I've ever met, Ryan. Sweetest. The sweetest child I've ever met. You know, he's got this, from sucking on his bottle, he's got this weird thing going on with his teeth. Oh my goodness. It's from the binky. What are you going to do? But now that they cut his hair, I go, wow, this is a cute kid. He looks like a cute kid. It's a better hairstyle for his face. It frames him better. He looks good. However you want to say it. I'll agree with you in hindsight. And Finn, as a baby, we're like, oh, he's so cute. But I go back and look at the pictures now. I'm like, what were we thinking? That haircut is horrible. And I tell Kim, we're not making that same mistake again. Dude, I can tell you flat out, your boy Jasper's a good-looking kid. He's a good-looking kid. He knows it, too. You know what I mean? You can just tell. It's like a mini-J. All the little girls wanting to marry him. He's like, I'm going to marry you. He's like, yeah, take a number. That's the thing. Here's the deal.
This is my kid I'm talking about. I think it's okay. I'm not saying the boy. is ugly. I am not saying that. He's adorable. I'm not saying that. Everybody just relax. That's a more refreshing take than the person that's like, my kid is so beautiful. You were singing a different tune yesterday. Here's the deal. I've always thought Ryan was so cute and I've always said it. I just think he looked better with the hair. I really think he's cute. I told Rebecca last night. That LOB said, you think Ryan, you think that that Lukey is real cute because he reminds you of Rebecca. And that is true. He looks like a miniature version of my wife, only in prison. You know, with a prison attitude, with a prison attitude. And now he looks like he's like he's in prison.
I said to him yesterday, I go, how's boot camp going? And our Hungarian nanny says, what is this? Boot camp. You know, she thought, oh, is that where you send your boots if they need a relaxation in the summertime? That would be the logical thing to think. Of course. Boot camp. And I asked her last night, I said, what's your favorite type of humor? I said, you know, she said Hungarian. I said, is it sarcastic humor? I said, or, and then Rebecca, and I was thinking about it. I'm like, I can't say dry. And Rebecca goes, or dry humor. And I'm like, I always have to tell Rebecca, hon, you're hungry. Dry means like the desert. Right. You know, she's not going to, and she's like, oh, God, I forgot. And I said, and she goes, what is this dry? In humor, what? I love it. And I said, it's like if somebody says something. And they have no emotion and they just deliver a joke. And she goes, I do not like this. I do not like dry humor. Well, now she knows. She's so cute. So sweet. I'm Mike. I'm the host of the show. I'm 40. I feel weird wearing a polo because I have tattoos and I always go.
Well, what are you? Are you preppy or are you cholo? What are you? What did you figure it out? You're hard-ass or you're a tennis player? Yeah, you're hard-ass or you're a tennis player. Hard-ass or you're getting on a boat with some dockers. I like that. Wear what feels good. Okay. If I did that, I'd come in here in that big, you know, giant dress that I had. Yeah, that's true. Custom-made flannel. Tailored flannel nightgown. And you have to wear clothes. Don't come in nude. I know that you like how that feels. Yeah. Yes. I do. Loves to be naked. I'm never. I don't get it. I'm rarely nude at home anymore. In bed. Yeah, because Jake always runs in there. Nothing worse than being nude when your kid runs in there. You're like, oh, my God. Yeah. So I got to wear underpants all the time. That's terrible. Burying brown. Same thing with him. Jake's my four-year-old. When he wakes up from a nap, he doesn't need these overnight diapers anymore because he doesn't have any accidents. So we're trying to switch him to just wearing his underwear. But he'll come in after taking his nap. He'll come in and he likes to lay down with me. And he will get up because he has to go pee. So he gets up, goes to the toilet, pees, comes back naked. And I go, go put on your underpants, bub. And he goes, why?
And I go, because I can see your ding-a-ling. I don't want to. Does he giggle? No. No? Because he knows that's a true fact. Yeah. That you can see his ding-a-ling. His ding-a-ling. Ding-a-ling. And so he goes, no, but I don't want to. Yeah. I said, and I do it just like this. I go, I understand. I know exactly where you're coming from. I know what you mean. It feels good. to not have on the underpants. But you have to. Society says we've got to wear underpants. Society. Society. Stupid society. Stupid American society. Yeah. Otherwise, I would walk around. My ding-a-ling would be, you know. I was looking forward to society, please. Yeah. Of course you have clothes. I was driving in the car with Jenna the other day, and we were, like, by La Jolla Shores Beach. And we went up by the aquarium, and I told her what was down there was Black's Beach. And she had no idea. And I said, you know.
naked people are allowed on Black's Beach. She was like, what? Naked people? I said, yeah, people, you know, you can't go there when you're a little kid, though. And she was like, but adults are just walking around naked. What if they go in the water and a wave hits them? You know what? You're like, that's your biggest concern. But like, it was going to hurt really bad because they were naked. It's true. Well, when she said... She said, there's naked people down there? You should have said, well, fat white naked people. That's what it is. Fat white men. Does anybody surf there nude? Blacks is a good surf spot, but I don't ever go naked. You know who's naked there? Who? Fat white guys. Yeah. Why? Old. Because they can be, and they want to just be, like, let it all out. I have seen ladies there, but nothing you want to... Like 55-year-old ladies? Nothing to write home about. I saw a nude volleyball game. What? A whole lot of flopping. What? Yeah. My jaw just dropped open. You saw a nude... First of all, what are you doing there, you creep? What team are you on? She heard it was called Blacks Beach, and she had a different idea. It was when I first moved here, I thought it was all blacks.
And I just wanted to see a bunch of guys, you know, and I was trying to date. I went for a run, I don't know, maybe like six months ago. I take it back. Like my man. Maybe even before that. It was like, it was warm out. And there was, it was like Europeans and old people naked. Great. Playing volleyball. And there was four of them playing volleyball. Yeah. Unbelievable. Oosten style. Oosten. Oosten. Oosten. Oosten. 5701949 is our number. No thanks. I will never get to that point. Your Hungarian nanny, Nita. said that your son Ryan has some of the inflections of a German guy. He does. She told me that too. She said he could speak very good German if you want. What? Yeah, and I said, why? And she goes, he is able to do with his voice the... She says that is not easy to do. But he could do.
That's so good. I was just looking at him after she said that, expecting him to turn around and be like, We have a very interesting observation that Emma and Ryan from Carlsbad made one time at Black's Beach. What was it, Ryan? This guy is about 350 to 750 pounds. He's naked, sweating. He had the long hair, but the huge bald patch. He parks his chair. I kid you not, a surfboard's length behind me. I'm watching you. Yeah, just pretending to blow on the back of your neck.
He got worse because he brings out his little ice cooler lunchbox thing and he pulls out hard-boiled eggs, which is like the one thing you don't want to watch. On the beach? He's behind you? Yeah. He's behind me. How do you know what he pulled out? Smell him. What's that? You can smell him. I turn around. I turn to look. You turn to look like, what's that fart smell? Yeah. Yeah. And then like he's sweating and he's eating these things and he has a nasal infection, it sounds like. It's another fun day at Blacks. You just pack up and go at that time. Eating hard-boiled eggs. Thanks for the call, Ryan. That's bad. That's brilliant. Imagine that guy, you know, he's like, I think I'm going to hit Blacks today. Let's see. Checklist. I need my mini igloo. I need some carrot sticks. Napkin. I've got to hard boil some eggs. Right now. Before I go. Before I go. For my trip to Black's Beach. I need to hard boil some eggs. Disgusting. Nude. Yeah. Have you seen my wiener? What'd you do today? What'd you do today, darling? Went to Black's, just sat back and enjoyed the sun and had some hard boiled eggs. Oh my gosh. It is not easy to get there either. It is a hike down the hill. That's probably why he was sweating. Never mind. He started rolling.
Let me go stopping him. That's so gross. Yes, it is. So quickly, there are five people on the mic show. Myself, Woodsy, L.O.B., Sienna, Jay, our producer, our phone screener is Chris. At 7.30 this morning, our producer Jay is going to attempt to get inside of a balloon. Now, many of you may be asking yourself, what do you mean? I mean exactly what I said. I mean that at 7.30 this morning, this a.m., our producer, Jay, 47-year-old father of four, will attempt to get inside of a balloon. I don't get it. Okay, well, let me explain, because I didn't get it either. At first, I thought, what is this, some sort of Howie Mandel trick? Or Howie Mandel used to put the surgical glove over the top of his face and blow it up with his nose? Brilliant. No, it isn't that. It isn't a...
balloon that you would see at a child's party. It's a large balloon. Now, it looks like the type of balloon that you would see at a child's party, only much, much bigger. Okay? It's, I would say it is the size of... It's as tall as wood. Yeah, it's about six foot. Six feet tall. Six feet in diameter. Six foot. Six foot in diameter. Right? Yeah. That'd be right. So, now, the hole that is small. Yeah, it is. How big? It's probably only like two inches across. If that, yeah. Jay has seen it on the internets. Yeah, somebody put it on my Facebook. And so he's going to try it. Of course he is. You look like Jim Carrey getting out of that rut. Yeah. So it's going to be good audio because you'll hear the stretching of the balloon, but we'll also videotape it and put it on our Facebook page. Hope it works. Yeah.
which there are 11,250 people on our Facebook page. Wow. Nice. If you'd like to be a part of it, go to Facebook.com slash Mikey Show. Something's happening with the Mikey Show right now. It's growing like virally. The Mikey Show right now is going through a period of explosion and growth that's weird. We're not mad at it. Yeah, I ain't mad at it. I like it. We're going to be in the Union Tribune tomorrow. We were interviewed for the San Diego Radio Broadcasters Association and 4MinuteStory.com. So the Mikey Show is doing a lot of stuff right now. The word of the day is llama. Okay. That is an animal. It looks like a small, it looks like a camel. and a greyhound dog made love. Good explanation. And when I say that word between now and ten, caller number nine gets a pair of tickets to see Rush and a pair of either Angel or Anarchy sunglasses, and you qualify for our grand prize that we'll pull tomorrow, which will be a 2011 Mountain High season pass. Whoa. Compliments of Warren Miller's wintervention. Sweet. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
And also, Woodsy's dog, Senior Beans, will be calling in this morning at 8. Thank you. Woodsy has four Yorkies. And a lab. And a Labrador. Let's see. Jared Loeffner apparently did a lot of research before he... Shot the representative, Representative Gifford in Arizona. He did research. Yeah. So cops obviously got a hold of his computer since he's been arrested. And apparently just days before the Arizona shooting, he researched lethal injections, solitary confinement and political assassinations. Wow. Just before. So that's really going to hurt him in court. Wow. Because there's proof on his computer that he was looking that stuff up. Wow. Yeah. Which is interesting because he wanted to know, well, how bad will it be? Right. Exactly. What's it going to be like? Right. Because I know I'm going to go down. Yeah. Holy cow. Which is also interesting that he must have known, hey, I'm not going to off myself. Yeah. Right. I'm going to take the fall and this is premeditation. That's what that proves. It also shows me a little bit that he did it for the notoriety. Yeah. Absolutely. He wanted to sit back and see how it unfolded. Right.
Smile on his face shows everything. That smirk. Yeah. What a punk. He's smiling in court. What a punk. It's just not right. It's not right. Give him the belt real good. And then Facebook is going to let advertisers... republish our posts so you know how facebook right now lets you um put where you are like right now i just checked into starbucks in mission valley or whatever well um sometimes people even comment on um brands that they really like facebook people write everything so now if you do comment on a brand that you like or where you are those advertisers can take that comment and republish it so people can see that their customers like it and what customers are saying about their product. And it's not going to go like on the news feed of Facebook, but it will go on the side where it says like, you know, recommended friends for you to join or whatever. So it's kind of cool. I think it's a good idea for advertisers. Yeah, I just don't. I think that they are they're using Joe, Joe, whatever. Right.
And Joe whatever's not getting any compensation for that. Right. And it's the best form of advertising. Word of mouth. Word of mouth. Exactly. Referrals. And if you have a private Facebook. I do that. What am I complaining about? Right. You do. I have people call and say AIS all the time. And it works because other people are saying that this product is amazing. Oh, I changed my mind. I think it's a great idea. It is a fabulous idea. A lot of people are willing to put their stamp on something, not because there's anything in it for them, just because they want other people to know. We'll see. OK, here's where my inherent problem is. I ask people, if you've used AIS, call us up and tell us about it on the radio. Right. It would be different, though, if I was like, just you didn't even know it. And I'm doing like I'm taking your endorsement without you even knowing it. Like when they call me, they're actively calling me. to give their endorsement. It would be like you recorded a commercial from Joe from Escondido calling to sign up from AIS and you're like, hey guys, listen to Joe from Escondido. And Joe's like, whoa, I didn't even know that you were going to do that. And Facebook predicts that there's going to be people that have a problem with it. So right now, there's no feature to decline this, but I think that they're going to have one that if you want to decline it, you can. Well, here's the deal, man. I've said all along, Facebook is just a mini town. Oh, yeah.
Or, you know, it's like a whole world. Yeah. It's a community. And so if you go on there, you know, if you go on the Internet and you say and you name some specific girl and you're like, she's a slut and a whore. Well, dude, that's basically like going to the park and taking a piece of paper and nailing it up on, you know, saying so-and-so's a whore. You can't do that. That's really jacked. If you have a private Facebook account, this is how it is right now, then only your friends can see what you've said. They can't take your comment and post it to everyone on Facebook. They post it to your friends? It will only show up on your friend's sites if you have a private Facebook setting. I've got no problem. I don't have a problem with it. Well, that's fine, but isn't that going to come up anyway? Don't they see that on their news feed? It'll come up as something on the side, as almost like... As in your face. A little endorsement. In your face. In your face on the wall. A big star is joining, well, is going to be on The Office. Is it permanent? Four episodes. Four episodes. A big star is going to do four episodes of The Office. And did you hear about the soldier that proposed to his girlfriend? Left her a message to propose. From Afghanistan. From Afghanistan. Oh, wow. Wrong number. We have audio. We'll have audio.
If there's any real famous movie producers listening right now that would like me to direct a drama, just drop me a line. Santa, what's going on in the news? Well, there's been some dog incidents, bad incidents recently, like the two dogs had their ears cut off. And there was also a really sad story about a dog being stabbed in Point Loma. So now the County Department of Animal Services is now offering rewards of up to $1,000 for anyone who reports acts of animal cruelty. So if you see anything suspicious, if a neighbor may be doing something suspicious, go to this website, sdcrimestoppers.com. You can get a reward and you can help save an animal's life. Also, speaking of animals, yesterday... A baby hippo was born at the San Diego Zoo. I love telling these stories, as I'm sure you may know. I think it's really funny, though, because as the hippo was giving birth, it took about two hours, and there was about 100 people gathering around yelling, Push! Showing the Lamaze. Right. Imagine, like, asking your boss, do you mind if I go? I gotta help with the hippo. What? Cheer it on. You're gonna cheer on anything? Push!
Oh, my gosh. Hilarious. Imagine if the mama hippo was like, yes, I'm trying. It takes two hours because it's hard to get a hippopotamus out. You really want an audience for that? A couple more stories, as Mike teased earlier. If you're a fan of The Office, Big Star is going to be joining for four episodes because you probably know Steve Carell is stepping out of his act. That's a good move. Will Ferrell's jumping in to help with the transition, so he's going to be on three episodes, Steve Carell's last three episodes, and then he's going to be on one by himself, the first episode without Steve Carell. So I think it will definitely draw an audience to know he's going to be good. He's going to be lame this season. He's going to be playing a branch manager who arrives from the home office and proves to be just as inept as Michael. It's going to be also really good. And sad story, but kind of funny. Not sad. Unfortunate. A soldier in Afghanistan proposed to his girlfriend. He tried to call her while he was away. They have a child together. And I guess one of his friends was killed.
And so something triggered in his mind. He's like, look, I want to marry this woman. Calls and leaves a voicemail, you know, confessing his love and proposes. Yeah. This is a guy from England. I have the audio. And this guy is like, I don't know what part of England he's from. I don't know what they call this, Baroque or something. Maybe Newcastle. I know they have a... And you can tell he's speaking from a phone booth because it's really cracky. Cockney. It's... It's not Cockney. Not Cockney. I bet it's Newcastle. It's whatever Brad Pitt was in the movie Snatch. Oh, wow. It's whatever he was called. It's hard to understand, but we'll play it for you. Sounds like me doing a street bed. Haven't understood a word. I can tell you a little bit. I love you though, my heart. Okay. Wow. I'm really moved.
hopefully now fiance, her name is Samantha. And so he calls to leave a message for Samantha, but he calls some woman named Diane Potts, who's 44 years old. I don't even know if Samantha has heard that he proposed yet. This is a story that Diane Potts has. No, she put the story out there and said, look, I got this message of this guy proposing to someone named Samantha. I don't know if Samantha knows. I don't know if she's heard about it. But he said, you know, that he's not going to be able to call her for another month. He wouldn't be home for another three months. She's apparently pregnant. He says, I can't wait until you give birth to my baby, my little soldier. I will do everything in my heart. I'll try my hardest to fight to protect you. I've got to go back out here now. I love you with all my heart. Don't ever forget that. I love you. All right, Samantha. I love you. Bye bye. And that was after he had proposed and said, I want you to marry me. I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me? I'm glad you translated that. Yeah. And so I really hope Samantha finds out because obviously she's not going to be talking to him anytime soon. That's right. Yeah. Woodsy, what's going on in sports? Well.
Not a good night for the San Diego State Aztecs. The big game everyone was so excited about. I even watched probably my first half of college basketball in five years. They lost 71-58 to BYU. And BYU's got a player. Jimmer Fredette is this cat's name. And I think he dropped 43 last night. And it was a pretty big night for that kid. All night long they were screaming, you got jimmered, you got jimmered, and they said that the Aztecs will be hearing that in their sleep. So they are no longer undefeated. We'll definitely move down in the rankings. There's only one more undefeated team, and it's the Ohio State Buckeyes. Really? Also, the Padres have revealed a new uniform. Actually, two new uniforms. They revealed yesterday a camouflage uniform, a new camo uniform. Yeah, because they've done it. It's totally camo. New one. Totally camouflaged. How are you going to be able to see them on the field? Yeah, you won't even be able to see them. You'll see a ball flying out of nowhere. Crazy. But the new road uniform, you know, remember they used to wear the sand, like the tan color? Yeah. Back to the, it's going to be gray, which is going to look a lot better, I think. I don't like that. I didn't like the sand either, but I like the gray. So they're going to be in grays when they're on the road. Cool. Didn't look like sand. No. People would just go, what is that? Sand.
We're from San Diego. Yeah, because there's beaches and all that stuff. Never put that together. That's why. Until just now. Lauren saw The Wrestler. Finally! I've been waiting. Oh, boy. So have I. Well, we made a prediction, Lauren. You didn't even know it. Yep. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. We were just talking out of school again. Oh, yeah? Uh-huh. Don't say what your prediction is. I want to know what Lauren thinks first. Lauren, what did you think of the movie? I thought it was a good movie. Uh-oh. Mickey Rourke was phenomenal. Phenomenal. I liked how real the movie was. There was no overacting, no Hollywood glamour or anything like that. But it was rather predictable. I kind of thought, yeah, the hero will fall, and then he'll have some sort of redemption, and then ultimately he'll fall in the end. Kind of like that whole Greek tragedy thing. See?
I thought that he, you know, because the movie, you know that he's already, like the movie begins, you know that he's fallen. Right. Yes. And so my thinking is, well, he's got to redeem himself. Yeah. You know, and he does. But what I didn't expect was sort of another kind of fall. Oh, I did. And I didn't expect another screw up. I didn't expect him to screw up with his daughter. I thought it would have a happy ending. Oh, no. You know. I thought, especially when it was a little bit of a foreshadowing thing, when his daughter said, you are a living F up. Yeah. Right. And I was just like, well, that's his deal. That's him. She couldn't watch it again, unlike Woods and I, who could watch it. I've seen it twice a few times. I watched it yesterday, again. Oh my gosh. I don't think, I mean, it was slow. I fell asleep during part of it. How'd you like Mickey Rourke sticking his hand into it? That was... Insane. The meat? What is it called? It's a slicer. Yeah, it's a slicer in a grocery store. And you guys have talked about that movie and said, oh, the scene with the slicer and stuff. So I kept kind of waiting for it. So it wasn't like that. I was like, is it happening this time? So I knew something was coming. He gets angry and sticks his fist into the slicer. But it was just a little bit slow. At the deli where he works. No. Oh, no. Oh, gosh. No, no, no, no. No.
Every inch of film in that movie, I just soaked it up like bread. I drink it down, man. I have a feeling it's like that, the whole Slumdog Millionaire. I'm sure I'll feel the same way about that. Oh, that movie's great. That one's not nearly as slow. I fell asleep in that, too. I love that movie. It's good. It has the bit. Everyone loves that movie. Everybody loves it. Sure, I'll be like... Get some poop. Have you guys seen The Fighter yet? No. Oh, fantastic. Nominate for Best Picture, The Fighter. It's fantastic. Based on a true story. Didn't know. This music I love so much. Yeah, this is good music. Well, what was your prediction? That you would not like it. I like it. I like it. I just don't think, like, it's not a watch again kind of movie. Crazy Heart, it was a similar story line as Crazy Heart. Redemption. Crazy Heart, I could watch again. Wrestler, I couldn't. It was too slow. Oh, it just kills me. It just kills me. Hey, The Fighter, is it boring? No. I loved it. I loved it. It's a true story about these brothers. I don't know how much you know about the story. A true story about these two brothers that were fighters. One of them fought Sugar Ray and had like a moment of glory, but then fell hard. And the little brother always looked up to him. And as his older brother spirals out, he's getting his chance. And he's putting all his faith in his family. And it's just like... Must be nice to be a guy like Wahlberg who gets offered these Oscar movies.
Jeff Bridges, too. Jeff Bridges has such shape, too. You should see. He's just cut. Jeff Bridges is the same thing. Offered roles that, you know, are like, oh, yeah, potentially an Oscar in this. You know, where other guys are getting offered movies where it's like, hey. You want to play Freddy Krueger? Nobody will know who you are because we're going to have makeup on. But we need to play Freddy Krueger. Do you want to do a romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston? Yeah. Possibly? Yeah. Hugh Grant said no. So you are admittedly the second choice. Yeah. Jeff Bridges had a big gap, though, in between when he didn't really do a whole lot of stuff. He probably turned it all down. Yeah, that's the thing. He knew what he was doing. He just kind of waited for the right movie. I read an article with him recently, and he just said, I'm lazy. Because I'm lazy. I do a couple movies, and I do projects that I want to do, and I'm lazy. Oh, well, he's got a good track record. You guys hear that Walmart is now offering a makeup line for 8 to 12-year-olds? Cannot believe this. About time. About time. That's maybe one of the creepiest things Jay said. For sure. Because he's saying a lot. For sure. Kidding. It's a joke. Now, like, Jenna's 9, my stepdaughter, and I think...
Like, if there's a special occasion, sometimes I'll put, like, some blush or lipstick on her. Monster. So it's not that unheard of. But a makeup line, that's for, like, everyday use. Yeah. I had fake makeup when I was that age. And I had the nail polish that you'd put on and you could peel it off because it was, like, non-toxic or something like that. And, like, it was almost comical, the makeup that I had. So I can understand if it's just play stuff. This ain't play. Yeah, this is not playing. It's a new brand. It's called Geo Girl. And they're saying that the formulas are designed for young skin. They have natural ingredients. Lauren will like this. Do they say things like, hey, it makes you really hot and, hey, want to be sexy? It may. It may on the cover of the makeup. I don't know. Cover up your unsightly nine-year-old skin. Right. Well, they have things like there's a cleanser, a mineral blush, liquid tube. Power Shadow. Feather Lash Mascara. That was my nickname in college. Mascara is not easy to put on. I can't imagine being eight and trying to do it. Face Shimmer. Body Mist. I wonder what Arab countries think of it. I don't know. But they say that there's natural ingredients like white willow bark to exfoliate. Chamomile. Lavender. All kinds of other stuff. Let's make them feel real sexy. I wonder what Sikhs in Iran.
Think about makeup for 8 to 12 year olds over there in America. You know what though? I think it's wrong. I don't want little girls to be wearing makeup every day. But I think that if you bought it for them and they had it for like a special occasion every once in a while. It will make them feel special. Okay, they already do. It's called Mom's Makeup. And she puts it on them for special occasions. My kids can wear, or my girls can wear makeup until they got into high school. Good for you. Same with me. My dad used to be like, wipe that off your face. I'd be like, Mom, put it on me. Good for you. In middle school, I'd put it on every once in a while and stuff. Jenna goes with me to get her nail polish, her nails done. I don't want to embarrass this kid. But I know someone who is famous, and he's got a teenage daughter. And he said, She will not have a boyfriend in high school. Period. That he knows about? Yeah. Yeah, that's the deal. You know what the deal is, though? When a dad is that strict, you don't mess around with him. You don't mess around with him. Yeah, you do. Do you? Yeah. Your dad wasn't strict? No, my dad wasn't strict. And I was a pretty good kid. I mean, I did plenty of bad things, but compared to most. Tell us about him.
I'm telling you, the friends that I had that were the most misbehaved, it was because their parents were so strict. Really? They rebelled. Well, I will say this. I think that it could be a deal where when you get out of school, you go a little crazy. You have to. That's the thing. You either use your mom as an ally and break dad down. I wasn't supposed to get my ears pierced until I was 18, and it was 14, and that was a compromise to get them done at 14. Dad followed through. Everything was strict. Maybe they went to Catholic school all the way through. They were crazy. Thank God for those girls. I'm telling you right now. They were insane. Promiscuity, drinking, drugs. My girlfriend, her parents wouldn't let her listen to any rock music. Couldn't even have a stereo in her car. But, man, I can only take her from home to school and back. Or we could go to church. But I'm telling you, that five minutes in between school and her home.
Crazy. In the movie Traffic, you know, Michael Douglas is like the head of the DEA or whatever. And his daughter is, you know, at home doing everything well. Smoking crack. I mean, that's the truth. Stuff like that happens. My dad at one time was offered the job. Ironically enough, my dad was offered the job to direct the Betty Ford Center. Wow. That's what my dad did for a living. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah, my dad used to be, before he was retired, he ran drug and alcohol treatment centers. Wow. Really? His son is an alcoholic. Well, you know. Yeah. I'll always be an alcoholic. Recovering alcoholic. I did not know that. I didn't either. Yeah. He didn't want to move us to Rancho Mirage, California. Wow. Little did he know he'd be there anyway sometime. Visiting day. Visiting. For family week. Family week. Well, you know, but here's the deal. I have two cousins that were raised very strict. Way more strict than my brother and I. And they're great kids. No rebellion. She's off at college. She's in Arkansas. Dean's List first semester. Like, I keep saying it. It's like...
It's like rolling dice a lot of times for the kids. It has a lot to do with the kid. It has to do with the kid. I think it has to be that they're earning things. You can't just be completely strict and then not give a little bit. You have to give and the earn. One of the greatest things I ever heard was you have to say yes so that your no means something. Absolutely. You can't say no, no, no, no all the time. Unless they get desensitized to it. Exactly. Yeah, and that'll be the deal. I don't want to in a lot of things say to my kids, you can't do this. But some of them I will. You had a girl. Oh, my gosh. She would drive you insane, but you'd become a softie. And then your boys would be like, how come she gets everything she wants? I could just see it. I was saying the same thing. Listen, you have to know this as a parent. You have to parent your children differently. Yep. Each child has their own individual needs and requirements. You can't, they're not, it's not an equal thing. You know what I mean? It's like they're different kids require different things. Sometimes, you know, different members of the show require different things. It's true. They're all different. But if you allow, like I came from a family of five kids and when certain kids were allowed.
to do things. Perceived, allowed. Allowed. They were allowed to do things and then you'd be like, I'd be like, Carly got to. She was 13 and she was allowed to. I'm 15 and a half. Maybe Carly could handle it. Maybe Carly could handle it. Maybe Lauren couldn't. Maybe Lauren could handle some things Carly can't. It creates animosity and resentment. It does. You gotta explain it. You explain it. You say, listen, you're able to do this. Carly's not. That's because Carly's irresponsible with money or you're irresponsible with money or blah, blah, blah. Like Luke may be really good with money. I give him $5. He knows how to treat it well. My other son, maybe he's, you know. Maybe he's Woods. How come he gets the money? Because you're different. That's hard, man. That's not fair. I know it isn't fair. Life ain't fair, kid. No, no, no. I will never give a life ain't fair bit. I will explain. I'll explain. I know. I know. I didn't get explanations. I got because I said so. Life isn't fair. Do as I say, not as I do. You can't do that. Right. If you are interested in the makeup line for 8 to 12-year-old girls, it comes out next month at Walmart. Can't wait. Next month. You guys want to play Lyrical Chairs? Oh, my God. 570-1949. Unless there wasn't anything that I said specifically had to happen at 7, did I?
I hope not. I don't believe so. All right, 5701-949. That's our number. Call us right now. What you're going to do is pick a horse. Me, Sienna Woods, or L.O.B., you're going to pick one of us to represent you. Jay's going to give us a topic, and we have to sing a song that has that topic in the lyrics. I suck. It's so hard. Sienna's great at it. Don't say that. Sienna's so good. Sienna's so good. She never loses. She never loses. I hate you. When it's our turn to sing, we have two seconds to sing that song and we miss. We're out. Winner's the last man or woman standing. So nervous. Also, what we're going to do in the next break. I heard this audio this morning and my immediate thought was isolate, isolate, isolate, isolate. When we. Get back. We'll also play for you a guy that was on Idol last night singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight. And it's just, it's fan. It's all right. It's looking day. Beautiful, man. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. That's what's he sitting directly across from me. To my right, Lauren O'Brien, otherwise known as L-O-B. To my left is Sienna. And Jay is in the other room. He's our producer. And our phone screener is Chris. It's Chris. Let's go. Hey, welcome.
At 7.30, our producer Jay is going to attempt to get inside of a balloon. Attempt. At 8 o'clock, Woods' little Yorkie Senior Beans will be calling in. Word of the day is llama. When you hear me use that word between now and 10 o'clock, caller number nine. Pair of tickets to go see Rush and some sunglasses and qualify for the 2011 Mountain High season pass. Compliments of Warren Miller's wintervention. A lot of snow back east. They got another storm. They just got another storm. And there's freezing rain on top of the foot plus the snow they got. We need to count our blessings because I'm looking out the window at...
Just the most beautiful sight you can see. That's beautiful. Running on the beach yesterday. Wow. I did, too. They were snowed in. Yeah, they are not doing that at Martha's Vineyard. They are not doing that at Martha's Vineyard. No. Let's see. Okay, so let's do a little lyrical chairs, what you do. Oh, my gosh. Very easy game. You call in, and you pick a horse. Me, Sienna Woods, or L.O.B., and then Jay's going to give us a topic, and we have to sing a song that has that topic in the lyrics. Today's prize is a four-pack of tickets to the San Diego Sunroad Boat Show. There you go. Sweet. There you go. Let's see. So when it's our turn, we have to sing a couple seconds, and if we can't do it, we're out. Winner's the last man or one of it standing. Let's see. M1 Drew from Escondido. Who do you want? Yeah. Woodsy. M1 Neal from OB. Who do you want? There you go. M1 Tina from Lemon Grove. Who would you like to select? Gallobee, please. You got it. Tina, eat some ham. Eat some ham. And M1 Hardbody from Encinitas, you have got me. Sweet. Hard body to hard body. There you go, yeah. A couple of hard bodies just working. Just hanging out. Just hanging out. Let's do this. Oh, my gosh. Okay. All right, now let's rotate so that it's, you know, let's rotate each week. Last time I went first, you go first, Sienna. We'll sweep around each week. We'll rotate. Okay. Curveball.
Here we go. Are you ready? Yeah. Men's names. Dear John. Alito. Daniel, my brother, you are. Levon, Levon likes his money. When you hear Tim McGraw, I hope you hear your favorite song. St. Stephen with a rose in and out of the garden he goes. Oh, Mickey, what a pity you don't understand. Michael is a dumbass. No, that was a fake song, Sienna. It's over. I lost. Oh, yeah. I'm going. I'm trying to think of the Leroy Brown. Big, bad Leroy Brown. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. One. Two. Dumbass. Dumbass. So it's between them two? Yeah. Oh, Danny boy. Nice.
Johnny B. Good. Oh, my God. Big John. Big bad John. What if God was one? God's not a man's name. Yes, it is. God is a man's name. God is not a man's name. Yes, it is. No. Sorry. Doesn't she have to come up with one in order for me to win? Does she? No, I don't think so. You're out. There's only one person left. She's like a spelling bee. She has to get it right. L-O-B, you've now won two days in a row. Holy crap. That game is so scary. That game is hard. My heart game is so hard. M1 Tina from Lemon Grove. I'm shaking. Are you there? Yep. You just won. Tickets to go see Rush so you can give them to your boyfriend. You also won some angel sunglasses. Awesome. Thanks, Lauren. And you qualified for the 2011 Mountain High season pass. Thank you, guys. Yeah, we'll announce the winner tomorrow. Hang on the line. I should have just kept singing Taylor Swift. Every song's about a guy. Hey, Mike. Yeah. That was the wrong prize. That was the wrong prize.
It was? That's the word of the day. Oh, that's the word of the day. Yeah, sorry. So what, to break her heart now? No, no, no. Yeah, I got to break her heart. Sorry, Tina. I messed up. Tina? What did she win? She won the four-pack of tickets to the Sun Road Boat Show. There you go. We could throw in a pair of sunglasses and she broke her heart. Yeah, we'll give you some sunglasses, too, because I screwed up. Hang on. Thank you. That game is so hard. Oh, my God. I was so nervous, I started to keep score. I was like, wait, I don't need to do that. Yeah. It's such a hard game. It's patch-refying. Natrifying. Oh my gosh. What if God was one of us works? No, it's not. It's someone's name. Not a man. Yes, it is. You don't know. So this was from last night. This was from last night on American Idol.
Jesus, take the wheel. That's a man. Jesus would have worked. That would have worked. Jesus is a man. God, not a man. See, I believe that God is a person, but now we're getting into a theological. I'm sorry. My heart was raised. Have we ever met anyone else named God? Yes. I met a Jesus one time. Dang it. This is from last night's American Idol. I just know that we will be isolating this audio at some point. Hello, Corporal. Good afternoon, sir. What is your name? My name is Nathaniel Jones. What is with the outfit, the Civil War outfit? I do Civil War reenacting as a hobby, and I got the uniform and various reenactments piece by piece until I had it all put together. And you wore it here. What song are you going to sing now? The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Is it? I thought it was jungle. That's how it starts. And then I think the second verse is in the village. Yeah. I like that song though. He has to know that's not what they're looking for. He may have thought though. Tone wise.
I have it. He wasn't bad. Don't worry. I mean. Wasn't he? Show us your best falsetto. I've heard worse on the show. Yeah. He was at least like in tune. I've heard worse, but. That was gorgeous. Was it? No. Do you guys know the Obama birth certificate thing won't go away? It will not. It will not go away. Well, the new governor, when he was running, Governor Neil Abercrombie, I think is his name. He was saying, you know. Lieutenant Governor's Lieutenant Fitch. I know it's Abercrombie because I know this story. Sergeant Hollister. And his cousin, J.C. Penney. It's all, you know, this story's been around for a while and it just keeps coming more and more and more. Because when he was running for governor, he was saying, you know, I'm going, when I'm elected, I'm going to find Obama's birth certificate. I'm going to get to the bottom of this and see if he has a Hawaiian birth certificate. He's been elected, still hasn't found anything. You know, there's all these rumors. In his defense, it was written on a coconut. That's true. So what are you going to do? It's already deteriorated.
Listen, I don't believe that he's going to find it. I don't think he's going to find it. But I also am like, what are you going to do? What are you going to do, yank him out of office? I just don't understand why Rahm Emanuel can't be mayor of Chicago because he technically wasn't living there, even though he had residence, paid property taxes, went back there to vote. But we let Obama in office. That's a really great question. Oh, well, he's an American. There has to be proof otherwise. You know? He's an American. Yeah. I don't believe he was born in Hawaii, but I also don't think that he should be taken out of office. Okay, the claim is that his mom went to Kenya to visit... His dad's Kenyan. Her husband's relatives, so his father's relatives, and then came back. His dad's Kenyan. Yeah, so if you're just vacationing somewhere, don't people get... You know, they're still considered a U.S. citizen if their parents are on vacation. But they're also considered a citizen of Kenya. They were born in Guam. He would have had that citizenship. I was born on an American base. In Guam.
Right. And I was born on an American, which, by the way, Guam is American territory. Yeah, absolutely. But if say, OK, say. So I could run for president technically because I was born in an American. And you have a birth certificate. But what if Sienna was on. An American birth certificate. When Sienna was pregnant with Sage, say July, she went to Europe and was like, yeah, I'm going to go on vacation or whatever to visit her long lost royal relatives in England. That's right. Which exists. And she went into labor and was there and then went back. Sage would still be a U.S. citizen if she was gone, right? If she was just gone on a trip? No. Really? Yes. I think there's some sort of ordinance where if the parent is a U.S. citizen and intends to be living in a place, but they're on vacation. I don't even think it's possible for that to happen now because you can't fly when you're that far along. Right, but Obama's how old? Right, well, that's what I mean now. 40-something, almost 50, I don't know. No, you're a citizen of that country. Really? Yeah. In fact. But if your parents don't have residence there. Well, check it out. If an illegal alien comes here from Mexico, has a baby here. True. U.S. citizen. Yeah. I don't believe they're a Mexican citizen. They're a U.S. citizen. That's why it happens all the time. Yeah. I thought they had dual citizenship. I don't think so. But if the parent. If anybody knows, by the way, 5701949. Even if you're an illegal alien, but you're taking up residence here, even if it's illegal, you know, there's the intent to live here. Well, let's see. I don't know.
People call and tell us what you know. And I'd rather it be somebody that knows. Unlike me. Unlike us. Yeah, who are just sitting here going... Talking out of the... I don't know. Of course you morons don't know anything. Bunch of rubes. Once you take a civics class every once in a while. For fun, I take them for pleasure. Take a class in humility, you moron. Yes. Take a class in brain. Why don't you take a class in radio broadcasting? How about that? For a great place to start. Take a class in how to use Google. Freaking. Oh, no. Plebeians. Oh, no. Welcome to Interview with a Plebeian. Interview with a Plebeian. Why are you playing the piano? Because I can play the piano. I've never seen an interviewer play the piano and interview. It's a little distracting. Probably because you've never been interviewed. I've been interviewed as well. Really? Several times. By whom?
Well, police. The Union Tribune. The Union Tribune. San Diego.com. Ken R. Layton. If you don't mind, would. Yes. I'd rather you not speak of those things. Yes, I forgot that. What's the last book you read? You asked me this yesterday. I know I did. And I'm still reading The Confession by John Grisham. Of course you are. Why highlights not available? I don't need highlights. You ever read Rysgam's Nature Studies in your life? Have you ever seen it? No. Who has? What is it called? Nature Studies. I've never even heard of it. Of course. Perhaps deserving or perhaps observing, I don't know, something in an actual textbook would be good for you. Yeah, I had graduated from college. I have a degree. Where did you go to school? Loyola University of Chicago. Oh, really? Yeah.
prestigious Ivy League school. No, it wasn't Ivy League, but I got an English degree from there. I went to Stanford. Congratulations. After transferring from UCLA. Oh, wow. Wow. That doesn't really make you a fool. Stanford had a better literature department. And yet you do an interview show on PBS. Right, but my true passion is music. Well, of course. Something that you probably know nothing about, right? I'm actually a musician. I'm playing guitar. Nobody play rat? Do you play rap music? I don't play rap, but I play all kinds of stuff on my guitar, which I am proficient in. Have you ever heard of November's doom? No. Who are they? What is that? They're doom metal. They're doom metal? I don't listen to doom metal. I don't either. I just know about them because I read spin. And you put that up when you're done with your Grisham novel. Why do you have to make us feel so bad? Right. I'm just trying to have fun every day. What's that, Ms. Fiora? Let me ask you a question, Sienna. Oh, okay. In between listening to Britney Spears albums. Britney Spears, yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't realize she was plural. Her last name is Spears. Maybe you look at the tabloids every once in a while. You ever heard of the Abbasi Brothers? No. Ambient, electronic, it's good. You may check it out every once in a while. Haven't, don't care.
Oh, wow. What's the last book you read, Miss Vera? My name is Farrar, Sienna Farrar. I don't know why you keep saying Fira. I honestly have no idea what the last book I read. Perhaps I help you out. Was it called Dear God, It's Me Again, Margaret? Perhaps another one of Judy Blume's albums about having a period. No, I've never read Judy Blume either. How about you? I'm in the middle of you're not going to like this. Eat, pray, love. Wow, he started the whole Sonata over again. You made him so mad. But I just, before that. You mean the book that was just made into a film by America's sweetheart. Yes, but I picked up the book before. Julia Roberts. I picked up the book before. I take a long time because I read a couple pages and then I go to sleep. Is that right? But before that, I read Nietzsche. Why doesn't that surprise me? You did? I did. You read Nietzsche? Yep. The Cliff Notes. You play piano. I just couldn't comprehend it. I stopped playing piano for that. You guys notice when he gets real mad? Cranks up the piano real fast again. Steps on that pedal. Yes. Jay Isbell. Oh, no. Yes. You ever read Philip Blom? Who? Philip Blom. No.
The Simmons Papers. Have you ever read The Simmons Papers by Philip Blum? I have that at home. Do you? Let me guess. You keep it at home for when you're making paper mache, some sort of human cast or some other thing you're doing at home? Probably. Yes. All of you. Can I ask you one question? And easy. Have you ever made love to a woman? Multiple times. You want to know why? Why? Because I've got a brain in my head, plebeian. You see, women are actually attracted to brains. They're also attracted to the fact that I wear a cape and these black glasses. Not quite. You know more about music than you? I've forgotten more about music than you love it. I believe in that. Who knows most about music on this pathetic radio program? Is it you, Wood? Is it you? Probably. I mean, all kinds of music. You ever heard of Russian circles? No. I like the Kings of Leon. You don't like the Kings? No, I don't like the Kings of Leon. Oh, the Kings of Leon. Kings of Leon. Oh, he's mad. Sorry, sorry. I like post-rock. That's real music. Oh, my God. Wow. How many albums does those guys sell?
I read the works of Burton. I read the works of Veard. I read Romain Gary's Hocus Pocus. Sounds like made up stuff. Any of this ring a bell didn't think so. It doesn't make you a better person. It makes me a better person. No, it does not. You're lesser than me. You're moronic. And I superior. You're very judgmental. Yes. Judgmental. Aren't I? Cruel a little bit. A little mean. Yeah. Mean spirited. Be different. You know, the spittle from your tobacco just put out one of my candles. Why do you have candles in the studio? I have candles in the studio because they're atop my piano. Set this place on fire. You're very dramatic. Which, by the way, was a great album. Set this place on fire was a great album by the Japanese Shogaz.
I'm talking about the band Euphoria. Have you ever heard of them? Yeah, absolutely. Have you? Unfreaking believable. At least we're consistent, right? Consistently pathetic. Look how he, like, turns his head when he's playing. He's very dramatic. He looks like Beethoven. Comes back to the mic. Yes. I have dry hair, but it's long. It's like a little stat. Yes. I have long fingernails, but they're black. Yeah. You're a weirdo. You look a little bit like a vampire. Am I a weirdo? Is that it? Yes, you are. Am I the kind of kid that in high school you didn't like? Yes. Is that because you were too busy smushing or smashing? Yes. What do they call it now? On the Jersey Shore. Yes. The Jersey Shore. Big fan of the Jersey Shore, I bet. Not really. You apparently are because you knew the term. It's because I read Spin Magazine.
Plebeians. This has been Interview with a Plebeian. I hate the way it feels on my tongue. I'm with you. It's filthy. I'm with you. It burns kind of like. Yeah, and it dissolves. It's so gross. And it's sticky, and it's just gross. Oh, I love it. 570-1949.
Word of the day is llama. When you hear me say the word llama, caller number nine gets rush tickets, anarchy or angel sunglasses, qualifies for that 2011 Mountain High season pass. We're asking the question, what do you love or hate the texture of? And I said cotton candy. I hate it. It feels so gross in my mouth. You put the cotton candy on there and it starts to melt immediately, which is weird. I love that. I love it. It doesn't feel like real food. It feels like some sort of synthetic. It's not real food. Made up thing, which. Freaks me out, Lauren. How do you like that? It's just spun sugar. I could never eat it all the time, but if somebody has it like at a fair or something like that, I just want a few bites and I love. Break up a piece of that? Yeah, you just take it and it just dissolves and goes into this weird. Do you want to know? This just occurred to me. When I see people at baseball games or at the fair and they're walking around with a white cardboard stick and it's got cotton candy wrapped around it.
I feel sorry for them. That's a true statement. Write that down. Do you know why? Because you're crazy? That's part of it. Part of it. There's certainly, I have to account for that. I'm sorry for them. But I feel sorry for them. Subconsciously, I feel sorry for them. And the reason is because they have to deal with it. Mike, they are so happy. They couldn't be happier. I know. They're so happy. They feel sorry for you. I find that hard to believe. They do. That they're happy. You know what's really bad if it ever happens? If you get your hair caught in the cotton candy. That's the worst. See? It's an oil spill. It's an oil spill. You have to be careful with it because if you get it on your finger, you get your fingers wet, then it just sticks. You've got big purple fingers. That's disgusting. That's why I want just a couple pieces of somebody else's. I wouldn't probably purchase a... Handle of cotton candy. You know what else it'll be? When you watch them making it, it's like they're spinning yarn. I used to have to make it. It's like they're making pink spider webs. I worked at a snack bar at a swim club and we would just spin it around in this thing and then I'd have to stick my hand in there. And we didn't use the cone. I just used my finger and spun it all up and then stuffed it in a bag.
There's nothing worse than the stale cotton candy. When it gets stale, it's hard. Yeah, because it's sugar air. M1 Big Matt from Carlsbad. You either love this or you hate this. What is it? I cannot stand the feeling of cardboard or paper bags. What is it about cardboard that weirds you out? I don't know. Like, okay, the sound of like paper bags rustling together. Yeah. It's like the equivalent of running nails down chalkboards, which doesn't bother me. But cardboard or paper bags, I can't do it. I have a similar one. What? When you said, do you have one of these things, it immediately came to my mind. What? It makes me disgusted. What? Oh, yeah. It's insane. Like, I can't help friends move without getting creeped out the entire time. I hate those wooden coffee stirrers. Why? Why? Because I'm... I feel like I'm going to get a splinter on my tongue. Yeah, the wooden ones out there. They're like tongue depressors. And I don't want to go near it. But I go near it and I feel like I don't even want to touch it. It's going to give you splinters. And it's like imagine just putting your teeth down it. I'll give you a weird one. I'll give you a weird texture visual. Sometimes when you're in a park or something, they'll have like a little bridge or a golf course.
They have a bridge that goes across a little stream or something. Right. And the bridge will be made of wood. Imagine putting your hand on the bridge. Oh, oh. Ah. You know, because it's like a rail, like a handrail. Right. The bridge. And just imagine walking with your hand sliding across that. Splinters. Oh. The wood? Oh, yeah. That's what it's meant for. It's a handrail. Yeah. It's a rail. I see what you mean now. And you put your hand on it and you walk and you just walk. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great one. That's a great one. L.O.B. just put her hand up and showed us. It's that hard, thick plastic that they wrap a brand new razors, you know, that they put razors in. Yep. And you got to cut them out with scissors. A lot of kids' toys. Kids' toys. I watched her do it. She did it all wrong. Oh, there's not a method. Yeah, there is a total method. You cut right around the edge the whole way, just the very edge, not across the middle, but right around the edge, just cut that sealed part, and it opens like... Where's the memo? Yeah, where's the manual? This is as the guy that's about to get in a balloon. Yeah. That's true. That is true. Sliced open my hand. M1, Greg from Del Mar, you hate the texture of what? Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Go ahead, Greg.
A lot of people are on that page. Mine cannot be watery. It cannot be watery, liquidy. It's got to be firm and thick. Greg? Yes? Do you hate all oatmeal texture? It's plain. I can handle the maple and ground sugar, but after three bites, it just makes you want to gag. What I'm saying is, do you hate the texture of all oatmeal, or does it matter? The less... in it the worse. Like, the more, like, thick it is. Because it's like, you know what it's like? It's like that paste they had when you were in elementary school. Yeah, it is. No, it's not. It's a little bit the same texture. That stuff is delicious, by the way. You used to eat that, L.O.B.? Yeah. You were one of those? I did, too. Good. Those girls freaked me out. Oh, they're good. I never want one. I was a paste eater. I just snuck it a little bit. I wasn't like a, I would have like a little taste. Bring something in. I'll feast on it. It's delicious. I won't feast. Paste eater.
I ate Play-Doh, not paste. That is so salty. Play-Doh was so salty for me. My mom used to make Play-Doh and I would eat it all the time. Of course your mom made Play-Doh. We made homemade Play-Doh from clay. Right. Now this was back when Noah was born. So we actually made it out of Nile River clay. My wife has a weird texture thing. She's weird with textures. She can't eat chicken. She can't eat moist chicken. Her chicken has to be a hockey puck. Yeah, it's Kim too. But it's white all the way through. There's no pink, obviously, because it's chicken. She's like, you got to put it back on the grill. And I'm like, babe, that is perfect cooked chicken. She's like, if she can cut it with a fork, she doesn't want it. Oh, wow. She's like, throw it back on. You know what women are notorious for? Women more than men. I mean, some men are notorious for this. But women are notorious for thinking things aren't cooked. Oh, no. Cutting it in half and going, does that look pink to you? Is it pink? Because I think we're the ones that are used to cooking all the time. And on the rare occasion that you guys barbecue or whatever, we're like, we're uncomfortable. You don't do this all the time. I do. Sienna, don't you think guys are better at the grill? They are.
Absolutely. I would never. My wife's great. I would never trust. I've never done it. This is so sexist. I don't do it. I'm going to say the sexist. Neither would I. My wife can grill. I would trust a woman that was confident in what she was doing. I'm not. I don't know what that thing is. You know what drives me crazy? Watching. Other people season things. Oh, yeah. Makes me nuts. Yep. Like, what are you doing, man? Yeah. It's never how I would do it. No. It's never what I want. It's never what I want. It's never how I would do it. You should just do it. Well, don't show me. You can't, though. Don't show me your seasoning. Like, if you bring me a steak, if you make me a steak, Mike, and I eat it and I go, oh, man, that's really good. Yeah. You know, but don't show me how you prepared it. Yeah. Because I don't want to look at you and be like. Is that cumin? Are you putting frigging cumin on a steak? And you're like, dude, I got a system. What if you're pleasantly surprised? I won't be if I know what he put on it. Mike's like, I've never been. No way. And not only that, like somebody the other day posted a picture on Facebook of breakfast in bed that they made for their boyfriend. And I was like. Why? And they thought that it was.
The greatest thing ever. Of course. People need to just stop with the pictures of the food because it doesn't look as good to us as you think it does. You have to be. They smell it. You have to work. You have to be Dan Field's photography to make food look good. I mean, just cut it out, everybody. Food is. Just cut it out. They're all doing it. Food looks gross photographed. Yes. From a camera phone. Stop doing it. But this was. See, that's the thing. It's like people make. And they think it's good. And to me, it's like so foreign. I don't like the way other people's food looks that they cook. I don't either. But people have these, people have these strange sort of traditions that they do or stuff, you know, like, all right, I'm not going to say who, but I'll say what it was. And if this person's listening, they can't. He loves you. Love you. It was, it was. Like these mini Eggo waffles. Delicious. I know. I'm going to describe it and people are going to go, that sounds great. It looked filthy to me. Filthy. It was these little Eggo waffles with cut up pieces of banana on it. That sounds good so far. Phenomenal. Disgusting. And then.
There was like bacon. I know exactly what you're talking about. I saw the same picture. But it didn't look like bacon I wanted. Not my way. It was all crisp and burnt a little bit. I love bananas, but when you slice them, they get that slimy film on them. I can only eat them sliced. Banana texture to me is, I love the way they smell. I love banana bread. I love banana pudding. If I have to eat a banana, I have to chase it with water. Why? Because I eat them before baseball games a lot, and I'm like... See, I like the noise that they make when they're nice and fresh and firm, but as soon as you slice them up and they get oxidized, there's like a film. Bananas remind me of turds. I am grossed out. That's disgusting. That looks great. It looks disgusting. That looks awesome. It's delicious. Except for the cinnamon roll. It's so good. Some scrambled eggs, some bacon, avocado. Man, why don't they bring us some? Bagel and cream cheese over there? That looks great. No, that's the bananas. You know what changes it all for me, too? Those aren't my plates. Nope. If I see other people's plates, I'm always like... If I see food on other people's... If it's not my plate, I'm like, it's not my plate. You go out to eat and drop your entire plate on the ground and pick it up and scoop it and you're fine. It's so different. I could go to the grossest restaurant. But if it's a restaurant, it's totally okay.
If it's like, I could go to a diner in the middle of El Paso. Yeah. That looks delicious. It looks disgusting. I'm with you, dude. I saw it and I go, oh, wow. I would eat that meal happily. Except for the plate of bacon, it needs to be, why aren't they placed closer together? That's what bothers me. Why isn't a lot of that stuff on the same plate? Wow. Thank you. You don't need to spread it out. Because it's like a buffet. It's a look of buffet. This is a good one. M1 Drew from El Cajon, what texture grosses you out? I can't stand crushed salt. Like when you go to a restaurant and they ask you, would you like some salt? And they crush it in front of you. That's the best. Yeah. When it's in a, sometimes they'll put, it's exactly like a pepper grinder, but they'll put rock salt. That's all we use at home. They put rock salt. Weird. Is it really? Yeah, pull it right from the ocean. He uses it on his armpits, too. Yeah. Well, we harvested it from the Dead Sea. We get all kinds of different salts. The pink and the gray. Oh, it's so good. I have a salt of fish and auto.
He loves salt. I love salt. Every bite. That dude salts it up real good. Can you say that again, Jay? I love salt. I love salt. He said he was a salt aficionado. Say that again. I'm a salt aficionado. There you go. We're looking for a lot. We need those little clips from Jay. I have one for you guys. I'm a demented pervert. Write that down. Write that down for you. I have one for you guys. What? And I hope you don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. Okay. It happens when you wear a sweater or maybe a knit scarf. If it gets wet and you have to try to dry it off. Yes. And you have to rub the like. fabrics together and it just makes that scratchy, weird... And even though it doesn't make a noise, you can hear it. You can hear it. It's like the fibers rub together when a sweater is wet. You are Ted Bundy. I totally get it. If I wash a sweater and then I have to hang it to dry, I'm like... Just imagining the feel of wet sweater right now.
Wet wool baseball hats, too. We've played a couple games in the rain. They stink. They do. Oh, my God. They stink. That's like a wet sweater, too. Yeah, and you wear a sweater and it rains. You're like, bleh, bleh. It smells so bad. Guys, what about a wet sombrero or poncho? You guys don't relate to that, right? A wet corn husk. How about styrofoam? How about styrofoam, whether it's like a cup, you bite it or something? I eat it. I eat it. M1 Wheat Thicks has got a great one. Go ahead, Wheat Thicks. I love chili. No, I'm just kidding. Chili ribs. Chili ribs. Actually, I feel kind of bad because I thought that the topic was things you love or hate. So mine is kind of a little bit. It is. It's either one. You either love this texture or hate this texture. Okay, so the older people might get this. Yeah, if you do, that's cool. But you guys remember Jell-O pudding pops? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That little bit of ice that burst. Oh, yes.
You liked it or don't like it? I do love it. And actually, I met the son of the guy who invented Pudding Pops. Bill Cosby. Yeah, I met you one. That was the Pudding Pops. The Pudding Pops. And they said that they were trying to get rid of that ice in the beginning. Oh, I love that ice. I do know what you're talking about, and I hated it. I love it. It tasted like pudding. It's not what I ordered. How about the scum level on top of your pudding? I love the scum level. That's disgusting. You love the scum level. Yeah, and I love, like, okay, if you get yogurt, maybe not, like, the Dannon, like, soft, sugary stuff, but, like, stuff that doesn't have a lot of flavor. It's hard on the top before you get to the soft stuff. Oh, I love that. You know, oh. punching through that layer of skin that forms on the top of the rice pudding. You like that layer of skin? No, not the layer of skin, but it's a little bit hard and it's thicker. Yeah, I love that. You ever open a yogurt, like a Dan and yogurt, and there's liquid at the top of it? I got one! I got one!
You stir it up real quick. You're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got one. I didn't see it. I didn't see it. It's right there. I have. I have. These are two gross things. These are two gross things in one product. Oh, no. First of all, the mustard scab that you have to wipe. Oh, my God. From the top of the mustard. You can't shake a mustard too much. Wait, wait, wait. So, two in one. So, first of all, you got to. get rid of the mustard scab. And then if you are not thinking and you just turn it over and squeeze onto your bread and all this water. Yellow water. Mustard water. Have you made a sandwich and got the scab and the water on it? I'm done. No one's for me. Mustard scab. The mustard scab. If you get it on the lettuce, you're okay because it'll slide off the lettuce and it doesn't get on your bread. But if you've got it on your bread, you're like, that's it. Or your ham or something. Never mind. Over the sandwich. Goodbye and good night. And you're left with only a heel of bread to make another sandwich. Guess I'm eating soup, dude.
Then you're like, I hate you, mustard. I hate you. You filthy mustard. Filthy. Idiot. Ketchup does it too, dude. Yes. Not as bad. Not with the juice, but the scab. No juice. Wait, wait, wait. Question. What's worse, mustard water or ketchup water? Ketchup water. Ketchup water. On your fries, you're like, it's disgusting. Senior Beans is going to call in next. That's Woodsy's dog. And also coming up next, Jay is going to get into a balloon. We'll see. Well, we'll see. And we'll videotape it. Our producer, Jay, is going to attempt to get into a balloon in just a moment. Oh, boy. I'm Mikey. Our sports guy is Woods. Our assistant producer slash comedian is a little beat. Our news girl is Sienna. Our producer is Jay. And our phone screener is Chris. We love Chris a lot. We do. So very much. When I see his face, I light up. Oh, Sienna. I do. He just mouthed, I love you too. No, he said elephant shoes. Oh, yeah. Because he hates you. He's very gentle.
He's gentle. Yes. He is someone that I would want to hook any girl up with. Yeah. 100. He's gentle. Chris. He's like a little llama. He's like, all right. Chris, are you in a relationship? You are? Yes. I didn't even know that. I don't know. I got an 18-year-old cousin or a niece coming to town tomorrow. He's in a relationship. Yeah, but she's out of town. She's from out of town. Stop it. What? You're bad. Terrible. She's from out of town. Who cares? It's awful. I'll make it right for you. She'll be in studio tomorrow. He's beautiful. Chris is a good guy. Dip it like a pimp. He's shaking his head no. Chris, you're young. But his eyes are saying yes, yes, yes. He said no and he nodded at me and gave me a wink. He did. It didn't happen. He's like, babe, I swear to God, I didn't do anything. He did a circle with one hand and slid a finger through it. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh man. Oh my goodness. That was so. Oh, wiener time. Jay, that was like... Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Here's the line. And then there's Jay three miles down from the line just waving. No, here's the line. Okay. And then Jay's in Montana. Hey, yo. See you, Lon. I crossed the lane. You guys feel like I crossed the lane? The lane. Mikey.
Mikey. Over the lean. It's waiter time. True or false, Mikey? True or false? True or false? Jay does say false. I crossed the line. Mikey. Sorry. Sorry. I can't hear you. Sorry. False. False. My bad. My bad. Sorry. I just had an epiphany and I'm texting myself to remind me when I get home to write this tonight. Great. Sounds fantastic. Thanks for letting everyone know. I didn't want to get yelled at for being on my phone. Way to go. I hate all of you. Trying to be dynamic. Yeah. Trying to be dynamic. Trying to be dynamic. Live on the air, just talking out loud, and nobody appreciating it. Trying to be dynamic. Just spitting out non sequiturs, just sitting over there all angry. I have to go, and I have to talk to M1 Shane from Carlsbad, because the word of the day was... I missed it. Gentle as it is. Gentle as it is. Savvy. You just won yourself a pair of tickets to see Rush.
Yeah. Yeah. Got yourself some anarchy sunglasses and qualify for the 2011 Mountain High season pass. Woo. Heck yeah. Hang on, okay? You know, we were talking about gross things and we talked about like the mustard scab and the mustard water that comes out and the ketchup water that comes out. I got one more for you that's just, this is hideous. Don't eat dinner. How about when you open up the top of the mayonnaise jar and you look in there and you see The remnants of whoever had a sandwich before you. There's like a little bit of mustard in there. Or there's a little bit of avocado in there. Ew, and the avocado turns brown. Yes. Mikey. Or there's a tiny bit of ketchup. Because they made a sandwich and they wanted mayonnaise. Right. And they weren't.
Consider it enough. Of course. Or you can just wipe it off on the bread. Mikey. That's what I do with peanut butter and jelly. Butter. Toast in butter. Somebody's toast or jelly. Is in butter. In your butter. I open it and I go. I've got one more. You can do this. You can do this. Yeah. Cheese. Like a block of cheese. Yeah. When the hard part on the edge, the air hit it. You have to cut that part off and just pretend like you never saw it. What if you missed it on the corner of your Kraft American single? You missed it and you bit into it and you get crunchy cheese. You get crunchy cheese end. Crunchy cheese corner. That's not real cheese. I make my own cheese. My wife does not put a premium. on making sure that bags of things are chip clipped, it's not the biggest deal to her. Sorry, I don't know if I can be friends with Rebecca. I know it. I don't even. It's not the biggest deal to her. I don't care about that either. You guys, when you grab the bag and you reach in there, and it's a bomb. You don't know. It's about to go off. And you grab it and you bite into a soft potato chip. Because it's gone stale.
I get every last air out of there. Really? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I just set my bag of pretzels open in the other room. You guys. It doesn't bother me. I'm sorry, hon. My wife will open up a box of crackers. Open the bag up, right? Oh, no, no, no. And then just close the box up and put it away. No. I do it. I do it. No. You're monsters. You're monsters. I know. And I curse myself. You have to fold the bag inside and then close it. I curse myself every time. I curse myself. I go, damn it. You have days. It's good for days. No. It's not. It's good for hours. It's got an hour left. Water crackers. Stale crackers are the water. The water crackers, they get soft and they're flavorless. In an hour. Yeah. If you leave it open, water crackers will get soft in an hour. Yes. Then you're like, oh, these Doritos are great. They feel like some sort of a makeup pad remover. God. Yeah, that's bad. That is bad. All right. 5701949 is our number. Did we miss any weird?
The butter's the worst. Butter's filthy with crumbs in it. Flaky milk at the top of the bottle. Oh. Frozen milk. Milk shards. Oh, yeah. Milk shards. If milk gets frozen. Yeah. No recovering. The smell of bad milk. Hey, puppy. Oh, hi, Beansy. This is your favorite puppy. Well, I've got four other favorites, too. No, it's not. That's so not funny to me. I'm sorry. Penny Bell? Savannah? No. Quit saying names that you know he's not here. I am not Savannah Tudor. I am not Penny Bell. Is this the new puppy that he's getting? Just kidding. I'm just kidding. We're not getting a new puppy. We're getting a baby. No, we're not. Yes, we are. This is a joke. It's not a joke. He's going to be your big brother. Your little brother. I'm sorry.
No. Yes, you're going to love him. I need you to protect him. Will you nut up and protect him? I am your baby. You are my baby. He is my baby. Don't stop spending time with me. I won't. I promise. I promise I won't. Am I going to become like Jules, the cat that lives at Mikey's house? Poor Jules. Poor Jules gets no attention. You know, like when the baby comes, nobody talk to him for four years. Yeah, you might. Maybe you and Jules can be friends. You know, maybe I will have to start doing the thing where when you walk into the room, I flop myself down onto the ground just begging you to pet me. Yet, you walk right by me. Oh, that would be so sad. Zipper does it. You know why Zipper does it? Why? Because, say, she came along. I know. And I'm surprised you remember Zipper. I love Zipper, but she's very jealous, and you will be too, Beansy. No, you won't be. I'm already jealous. Let me tell you something. Oh, guess where Zipper's sleeping now. Where? Outside. Not sleeping. This is gonna be true. Not sleeping. This is gonna be true. But when we do leave the house, Beansy. Do you put the Zipper outside? She goes outside. In a nice little cushy doghouse. In a fence area, there's a doghouse.
But she's not inside. That's what happens. I promise. That is what happens. Yes. I have to fight for your attention. No, you don't. I have four brothers and sisters. You'll have your own apartment outside. You will not be outside. I promise you. Lauren, you won't be outside. What were you saying about a shot caller? Oh, yeah. And a kettle. Oh, yeah. What was that? Papi. What are you doing? I'm not doing anything. I promise. Nothing's been decided yet. You're going to get that spray that you put in his face if he barks again. Diet dog treats. Am I going to have to go pee pee outside? Because you know I like to pee pee outside. Yes, I do know. Our house smells like a petting zoo. Yes, it does. You make such a big deal out of it. You pee on the floor. I don't smell it. I don't. I do. That's because you're getting up there. You're getting older. No, he's my little baby. I am not getting up there. I am fine. And I think the house smells wonderful. Why is Woods getting you turkey bacon instead of regular bacon? That's a good question. Because, you know, Poppy likes to come onto the radio and make it seem to everybody.
He's so healthy now. No, I don't. You have some, you're running by your house on the trail or something? And I don't, I try to, I try, it's called be different beans, not be perfect. I try to, I try to eat a little healthier. It's also called don't be a liar. What are you lying about? I'm not lying about anything. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. When? Every night? Every night? Does he eat dog treats? No, I had swordfish last week. That would actually be good for him. I had. Last week, I made swordfish. We had chicken. What did you have last night? Swordfish. What did I what? You had chicken last night, didn't you, puppy? You had chicken last night. Yes, I had chicken last night. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with chicken? No, except when it's covered in batter and then deep fried at Kentucky Fried. Oh. You little. You little. And then when you add to that, the biscuits. Wow. What'd you get from KFC last night? Papas con gravy. Oh. Two nights in a row. Two nights? We had McDonald's the night before. We had McDonald's the night before. Oh, my gosh. Oh, you're a regular Jacques Lalaine. Too soon? Too soon, yeah. Beansy, you know. I hate you, Beans. I hate you. That was in confidence. Are you mad because I didn't give you any? Yes.
I gotta know better. But you're getting so fat. How many biscuits did he have? Really pot? How many biscuits did he have? Honey? Did you put honey on him? They're so good with honey. But he got the grilled chicken, right? Why did you turn on me? I take such good care of you. care about me. I promise I'm not. He's doing the preemptive. I promise I'm not. I promise I will. I promise. I love you so much. Let me tell you something. I do something drastic. You continue. Like what? Like what? I will call the DEA. The DEA for what? I'll give fake charges. There's nothing to give. I'll say. You'll plant something. Yeah, I'll plant something. I'll say my puppy is a terrorist.
Oh, wow. I'll call the tobacco firearm or whatever it's called. Beansy, that's a little over the line. A little over the top. Yeah. Fine, I'll do something. Just be nice to the baby. Please be nice to that baby boy. You could call the Humane Society, maybe. I would text you naked pictures. And then I would say to Mama Yami, Mama Yami, look. Naked chihuahuas. You have a cell phone, Beans? I think she meant because you're a dog. You're a dog. You don't have fingers. Did he say what? Your fingers. I love you. I love you. Maybe you don't report my menu on the air every day. I give my paw to you. He did give his paw to me. What did he say? I gave you my paw. That's right. I pawed him. Oh, my God. I bought you. I bought you. I bought you. You did not buy me. No, she just spit. Something just came out of her mouth. I spit. I was laughing. I bought you. You didn't buy me. Wow.
Relax. Woods' dog has lost his mind. Stop pawing people. Did you paw Jay? Don't paw anybody else. Don't paw anybody else. He's disgusting. I have to go because I want to listen to Uncle Jay get into a balloon. I love you. Bye. He is furious. He was funny today. He's on one, dude. I think he's on a bender. I pawed you. I pawed you. All right, Jim. All right, Al. Ready to do this? I'm scratching you. All right, you ready to do this? Sure. Okay, let me see if I turn that mic on in there. Make some noise in there. Oh, Al, hey, I'm pawing. There we go. We got a microphone in there. I broke my hip. Woodsy, open the studio door so we can see. All right. Hurt my leg. We have a six-foot diameter balloon. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to film it. It's like a giant grape. I'll film it. Woodsy. Yo. Let's see. Let's have you switch mics and be on that mic so that you can get this mic out of my way. Which? This one? That one? And lift up your mic. Yeah. Up and over? Yeah.
Or you can be on, yeah, just use your mic, but over there so we can film it. Let's go to the bathroom. No. Let's see. You want it up? Hang on. No, no, it's perfect. Okay. We're good. Oh, my God. Okay, so Jay, wait, wait, Jay. Wait, wait. Okay, I'm now videotaping. You got hit the balloon. Huh? I wouldn't pick up a bat. Wow. All right, go ahead. All right. He's got this big, giant purple balloon. Oh, my God. It's got to be six feet in diameter. And Jay is going to attempt. To get inside of it. Okay, he's stretching it with both hands now. He just stuck his head in. He just stuck his whole head in. He's pushing himself in. Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself, Jay. Oh, wow. He's pushing as hard as he can. It's the opposite of having a baby. Wait.
It's like Barney. I'm trying to get into Barney. The baby's climbing back in. Hey, Jay. Yeah. You've seen this done? Oh, yeah. I don't know how they did it. You're not going to suffocate in there, are you? I feel like he's going to. If it completely closes on me, you guys have to come get me out. I'll slice it. We'll pop it. Just yell. I need a code. I'll say help. If y'all hear me yell, hip. Don't just sit there. If I say, if you hear me yelling that, hip. I need your hip. Mackie, hip me. Mackie, hip. Here we go. Hip. Go, Jay. Holy shit. I was filming that, and I jumped so hard that the camera shook. It bumped. Holy cow. Holy. How did it sound? It bumped right in his face. Holy. That worked pretty well. Dusty air. That did not work. I got a cloud of smoke in there. That was fantastic. I can't wait to see the video. That could go on YouTube and get it. That was really good. I know. I'm going to put it on YouTube. That was like people will watch that. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm putting it on YouTube right now.
That's basically what I expected to happen. I thought he was going to get in there. It's like when he lit up the pickle. I thought the pickle was going to explode. And that's what happened. Oh, that was freaky. Oh, gosh. Did that hurt, Jay? Jay, did it hurt? My lips are kind of burning now. Oh, my God. It's like an airbag went off in his face. Seriously. Oh, wow. If he had hair, it would have been blown back. I know. Chris has a picture. I'm just standing there like this. Still trying to get there. AJ, do we have any prizes that we can give away? I have another four-pack of tickets to the San Diego Sun Road Boat Show. Who is the secret celebrity? I don't really know what to do when I'm not working. I'm a workaholic. 701949. If you know who that secret celebrity was.
K-Wave 97 FM. It's Michael Shannon and the Bee Gees. This one's going out to Woods from Jamie. When we come back, we'll get the winner for that secret celebrity. Much, much more. Welcome back. Let's go to the video. That we just posted on our fan page. If you go to Facebook.com slash Mikey show, you can see the video. Hey, Jay, you've seen this done. You're not going to suffocate in there, are you? Are you watching it? I can't wait to see this thing pop.
Yeah, if y'all hear me yell... This is a six-foot diameter balloon. If I say, if you hear me yelling that hip, I need your hip. Mikey, hip me! Facebook.com slash Mikey Show. Oh! Did you hear the jumps? Hip. Mikey, hip me! Mikey, hip me! Hip him! Go Jay! Oh! Crazy! Crazy! You can see those videos where it shows something like that, and then it's like, repeat and repeat and repeat. We need to do that. How do we do it? I don't know. I know how to do it. You do? Just repeat, repeat, repeat. Just pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. I can edit it. It's great. It's great. Great work, Jay. Oh, that was good. That was really good. Are you okay, Jay? My nose kind of bled a little bit. What?
That was from the meth. Oh, my gosh. Are you okay? I'm so bad. I'm going to be okay now. My lips are all burnt. My nose is bleeding. It's like college. I want to try it again. I want to get a different type of balloon. I want to try it again. Please don't. Hey, let's see if we can get a winner, by the way, because we were... Gosh, darn. That scared the... My heart's still racing. I know it. 5701949, because we were playing a... We were playing again. Who is the secret celebrity? I don't really know what to do when I'm not working. I'm a workaholic. M1 George from Del Cero. Who was it? Britney Spears. It was not Britney Spears. M1 Saqqara from North County. Who was it? Gwyneth Paltrow. It was not Gwyneth Paltrow. M1 Morgan from Tierra Santa. Who was it? Lindsay Lohan. That is correct. Sound like Sienna a little bit. Yeah. That's right. I'm a workaholic. Workaholic. Yeah, they do. They kind of look alike and they kind of sound alike. Jay, what did he win? We got the boat show tickets. There you go. Hang on the line. There you go. And I do encourage you to go watch that video. It's incredible. Intense. That's maybe my favorite video. That was a good one, dude. That was a good one. I did not expect it to pop. I didn't either.
I did originally, but then once he started to get in, I was like, oh, I guess it's going to work. Well, I built it out of lambskin, and I thought it would work, but apparently I was wrong. Ain't the first time lambskins busted on me. I got four kids. So apparently Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne are going to be in a Super Bowl commercial together. Yeah, there's no details really about it other than it's going to be a 30-second commercial, and it's going to be during the third quarter of the game. They don't say what? No. What product or anything? There's guesses. People think maybe it's Best Buy. Yo, Ozzy, should we tell them, though? Yeah, I mean, I think the secret is already out, man. Man, they told me not to be asking questions and telling people what's up, but I figured, man, we're here, man. Let's do it. Yeah, tell everybody what the product is. The product is... That's right. Tell them. You tell them. You tell them. Actually, I think it's better if you do. I think... Man, come on, dog, man. You older, and you be, like, experienced with commercials, man. You do it. I'm not as well-spoken as you are. You're, like, the most well-spoken old person I've ever met. You're more relevant, man. It's for hand cream. That's right. I don't think it is. It's for hand cream. I mean Doritos. Do you know what you were in? It's for Doritos.
It's for a fart filter. It's a fart filter, as he calls it. I heard it was for Best Buy. You heard wrong, man. Oh, okay. I would never advertise it for Best Buy. That's ridiculous. Why not, Ozzy? He's crazy, man. He'd be crazy. He'd be crazy. You're gay. That remains to be seen. Let me ask my mom. My mom's. Why do you talk like that? Like what? Like you're a black guy. I am a black guy. You're not a black guy. I'm black. Me, Ben Roethlisberger, man, we be black. Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake. We black. We black as night. It's not pronounced Roethlisberger. Ben Roethlisberger. Ben, it's Ben Roethlisberger. It's last name is pronounced Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger. You're saying Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger. No. It's Ben Roethlisberger. It's not Ben. It's Ben Roethlisberger. You got to listen to me, man. You're saying the name stupid. Man, shut your mouth. Shut up. Old MF. Young. You're a young kid. Yeah, my old MF. You don't know nothing. You ain't going to tell me. Get out of that Lamborghini.
This is my mom's car. Oh, my God. Ozzy, who are you talking to? I'm talking to that little white kid that thinks he's black. I am black. Ozzy, get off of the phone. Are you on the phone? I'm trying to use the phone. Ozzy! Hell, man, you better tell that bee to shut up. That bee is my wife, man. Man, somehow you need to put the smack down. What's your name again? My name is Justin Bieber. It's Justin Bieber. It's Bieber. You mean like Mikey? Beena. No, I said beena! That's what I thought you said, darling. That's why I said, like, Mikey. I get it. You get it. This is really shocking. A study finds that male viewers find sexy news anchors distracting. Mikey Woods joke? Breaking news. Breaking news.
In a related story, they also find sexy bank attendants distracting. Well, the news anchors are saying, you know, if there's good-looking girls on the TV, then they only pay attention to the girls and how hot they are, and they don't even hear anything they're saying. I'm sorry, what'd you say? Shut up. What was that? But you guys, I mean, you don't even care what they say. What did your boobs say? What did they say? What did they say? Listen, I'm not kidding you. I used to think, but now I know her. I still think she's hot, but I couldn't talk when I used to talk to Sienna. Yes, you could. I was an idiot. I was an idiot. These are news anchors on television. I know, but I used to think that this particular news anchor, known as Sienna, I couldn't talk. It was before I had Sage. Oh, please. I was a whole other woman. Please. I'll be back. I'll be back. Nice beaver.
I just blew a gasket in my head. Oh, I just blew a gasket. Sorry, that balloon pop did that to me, Mikey. Broke something loose. Wink, wink. But this study that's saying the male viewers find sexy news anchors distracting. It's basically a question. Is it a good idea for these news stations to have hot news girls? Because they'll look at the girls and maybe the ratings are better, but they don't hear any news. They don't care. That's true. Look at the average news girl or the average weather girl. The weather girl? She wears like a nightclub dress. All weather girls. You know, it started with Jillian or what's her name? Barbary. Jillian Barbary from Fox. She did, you know, for the Fox pregame for the football. So hot. Yeah. I mean, gorgeous. Yeah. Is that her name? She's an angel. She's beautiful. So they did that. And then all of the kind of the Fox really kind of followed suit with their local news girls. Chrissy Russo.
Is a sexy mama. Oh, yeah. And, you know, they know what they're doing. They know they're going to get viewers by putting a sexy mama on TV. It's a good move. And that's what they do. I won't watch it. See the women. Women don't think that other women are attractive. Ever. My wife's like, Brooklyn Decker? She's alright. My wife's like, Scarlett Johansson. A lot of people say that about Scarlett Johansson. Me included. Maybe men that I know. Gay men that you know. Gay guys. She's not even that hot. There was a video you were watching this morning, Mike, and the first thing I said was, wow, that girl's really pretty. I will say, the girl that was like e-boxing. Yeah, you know what it is? You know what it is? You know who women think are really gorgeous? Women that are like kind of average. They'll be like, oh my gosh, she's so beautiful. Anne Hathaway is stunning. No, I say that Megan Fox is a hottie and Anne Hathaway is overrated. And I think most guys agree with that statement. Oh my gosh. Anne Hathaway is dumpy.
No, she's not. She's fantastic. Frumpy. You guys, this is Gay Nick. Hi, Gay Nick. How are you? I'm good. I think most of those girls are really pretty. You do? Yeah, I mean, some of them aren't. But I think, who was the first one that you mentioned? Ryan Seacrest? Ryan Seacrest is actually really, he's a good looking guy. Yeah. I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality that I can say if another guy's good looking. I am too. Scarlett Johansson. He's hot. Whoa. I'm comfortable enough in my section. Hot and good looking is different. Sharp. Use the word sharp. Like a sharp guy. You usually describe as someone that you're attracted to. Not necessarily at all. That is such a misnomer. If you think someone's good looking, you can fit if you're comfortable. Hot and good looking are different. Yeah, like LeBron James is hot. Wow. That's weird. What? What? What? If you're comfortable in who you are, you don't have to be like, oh my gosh, people have perceived me a certain way. The way I do it, because, hey, I'm very comfortable in my sexuality, and I feel comfortable saying... I've seen you. You're hot. Was that a kiss? I'm comfortable enough in my... I will say a guy... I'm comfortable enough in my heterosexuality. That's disgusting, but... In my heterosexuality. I would say that a guy is a sharp guy. You say it about Mike Tomlin every morning. Mike Tomlin is a sharp...
Dude. The reason that you feel the need to say it that way is because maybe you have feelings of gayness or something. Like I'm bi-curious or something? I'm not. Maybe you are, and that's why you're not comfortable enough to say. I'm comfortable to say he's a sharp dude. He's a good-looking man. Yeah. He's hot. He's not hot. Mike Tomlin? He's not hot to me. He's hot to me. Well, there's no shock there, is there? I take it back. Like my man. Anyway, who are some of the other girls you named? Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson's pretty, yeah. Scar Jo. Pretty. Scar Jo. She's hot. Megan Fox. Anne Hathaway. Jennifer Aniston. Brooklyn Decker. Bea Arthur. Betty White. Brooklyn Decker, no. China Doll. Mika Kelly. No. Octomal. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp's pretty. He's good looking. Johnny Depp's good looking. George Clooney? George Clooney is not good looking. Really? Wow. He's hot. Wow. Look at you. I love your faces. I love you. Gay Nick. Gaylord Nick. His name is Gaylord. His name is Gaylord. He goes like gay. Write a proclamation. Yeah. Let's see. So this was Randy. That had the.
Maybe I marked this wrong. Randy from American Idol. Yeah, Randy from American Idol. What up, dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen to this. So this is Randy from American Idol last night. You give an inch, they'll take a yard. You say that a lot. Listen. Can I give you a hug? You better. Okay. Dude. Can I have a sip of your Coke? What? Oh, no. You ever just try to get on TV? No, no, no. You ever just get a hug and then they say yes and then you... I just want more. Can I moat about you? Yeah. He goes, can I have a sip of your Coke? Randy Jackson had been like, yeah. He has sipped his Coke. And then when they cut away to commercial, he'd be like, hey, can I get your email? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like he wants to take a sip of his Coke, spit it out, save his DNA, and try to clone Randy Jackson. Why would you ask that? You're projecting. Yeah. You want to clone Randy Jackson. I only need one Randy Jackson floating around.
J-Lo, by the way, just from that little clip. She's really annoying. Yeah. I like her. But that is a lesson on boundaries. Yeah. Randy Jackson had no problem going, no. Woods would have been like, here. Yeah. Finish it. I would have said, have a ball. You would have said, finish it. Oh, yeah. Take it. I'm sorry. No. I'm sorry. The answer is no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. It's not hard. I'm not perfect. It's not about being perfect. It's about being different. And being different to me means being nice and saying yes to things that I want to say no to. I believe Woods would have let anyone drink his drink because he doesn't care about stuff like that. Well, I don't care about stuff like that. But he would have said, hey, man, can I get your email? I would have said, sure. Here's the deal. Asking, can I have a sip? Can I have a hug? Sure. Sure. I mean, unless you have a boundary where you're like, you know,
Don't really feel comfortable hugging a stranger. Maybe that's your boundary. You say, no. I have a cold. Can I have a sip of your Coke? What if people just walk up and ask to hold your baby? People you don't know. No. I would say yes or no. You need to say no. Yeah, they'll run off with that baby. No, no, no. Or they'll scratch that baby's face. Oh, like that woman. I really think that if I was in Albertsons with my kid and... If somebody leans down like, oh, I'm fine with that. But like to hold him is different. Yeah. See, a lot of people, you know, you'll get these celebrities and they'll say, oh, they're such a jerk. Listen, I know a dude. I like this guy. He asked Troy Aikman for an autograph at the urinal. Oh, that's a little over the line. But OK, now, if he was done and they were washing up, I don't see a problem with it if they're washing up. But when it's wiener time, you don't want to ask somebody for an autograph. Maybe autograph in the bathroom is a little too much. That doesn't even really bother me. At the sink doesn't bother me. The sink doesn't bother me. Do you make potty in there? Not at the sink, you don't. At the urinal, you do. Urinal's off-limits. In a private pot. You're both washing up. Hey, Troy, I'm a huge fan, man. And I know we're washing and drying up here. When we get done drying up, you think you could sign my hat? Nobody would say it like that. I would. That was so, I mean.
That's exactly how I would ask for an autograph. The type of person that would ask for an autograph in the bathroom wouldn't be so eloquent. That's true. I would do it. I totally would do it. I know you would. Yeah. But you do a lot of things in the bathroom that a lot of people don't do. So do I. It's true. But Woods is an autograph guy. He likes autographs. Well, we've been collecting them for years. We have a nice little collection. Yeah. So, I mean, you know, if I can get one, I'm going to get it. I like to have stuff signed. I don't know why. I just like it. I do not have any autographs. Proof. Proof, I guess. I guess it's proof. Proof. I like to take pictures with people, too. I think it's cool. Yes. It doesn't make me a bad person. Not at all. You're a good guy. Right. That's just who I am. Why are you looking at me like that? I don't know what you're talking about. You're screaming. I'm not screaming. Top of your lungs. You're shouting. Like, for instance, Chris Cornell came in. I would want to get my picture taken with him.
And I would want him to sign something for me. Why are you yelling so loud? I'm not. I know, but you're kind of being inappropriate. You're freaking out. Back up off the mic if you're going to yell like that. Yeah, I mean, if you're going to shout, just please turn your microphone down. Hey, should I get security? Yeah. Decaf, man. Yeah. I would try to decaffeinate a coffee. You guys can all feast. Let's see. All right. We got to get to some of this stuff. I have a pile of news. I know. I got an idea. What? Sports. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Now you're screaming. Now I am screaming. Now you're yelling at me as loud as you can possibly yell. Top of my lungs. Looks like we got a cut here. Oh, what do you mean? Is there supposed to be more than one? Two. Come on. Hey, Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Frank's Red Hot. There you go. There you go. If you didn't hear earlier, I told you that the San Diego State Aztecs are no longer undefeated. They lost last night to BYU 71-58. It was not their best showing. Close game at half. Still a very solid team, and they will be... We're good. And they will be falling out of the No. 4 spot one would imagine. Yeah.
Big weekend here in San Diego, Siena. There's going to be a little traffic around your house for the Farmers, which is in La Jolla, Torrey Pines. The Farmers Invitational is going to be this weekend. Tiger Woods will be in town. This guy has won that tournament seven times. Seven times. That was good Tiger. That was good Tiger. That was shady, dirty porn star Tiger. He's not shady, dirty porn star Tiger. Yeah, and in fact, he has a clear head now. Cut one. You know, in order to play this level, this game at a high level, it helps have a clear mind. You know, it helps having your life in balance. And certainly my life is much more balanced than what it was in the past. And that's exciting for me. Yeah, he hasn't won in 16 months. A fan did send me some audio of Tiger last night. He was out in La Jolla and he was at the shack. Hey, Jack, looks like the girls are really ready, don't it, Jack? Oh, creep. Hey, don't call me a creep. I don't get in. He was at the bar. He was hitting on girls with his caddy. He's having fun, man. He's having fun. He's having a good time. He's having a good time. Bad news for Steeler fans. Marquise Pouncey is going to be out for the Super Bowl. He is the all-pro rookie center that is just a beast. And he is hurt. He has a high ankle sprain. Now.
They're like, okay, big deal, center. Center's the guy that gives the quarterback the ball. Their backup, Doug Ligurski, two botched snaps in the AFC Championship game, one in the end zone for a safety. That guy's probably working overtime to make sure that they can get on the same page. So at least they have some time to develop a rapport and a relationship. Dude, I mean, the snaps that he was doing in the AFC Championship game, he was like throwing the ball back behind his leg. Roethlisberger walked to the field and he's like, oh boy. So Pouncey will be out for the Super Bowl. And this is really big news. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has said he will cut his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage after the collective bargaining agreement expires. Get ready. Yeah. His chief negotiator, Jeff Pash, will also do the same. Now, Goodell makes $10. million a year. Pash makes $5 million a year. They would just take a 10 million percent pay cut. Absolutely. Why not? Wow. And finally, we are very honored today to have in studio Li Na. Li Na, if you guys don't know, she's the first Chinese player to ever advance to a Grand Slam single, beat
Caroline Wozniak in the Australian Open semifinal. Yesterday. Yesterday. Yeah. Lee. Yeah. Thanks for coming. You're welcome. You're the first Chinese woman to ever do this. How does that feel? Well, actually, I'm the second Chinese woman to ever do this. But the first one, not as proper size. That was a long time ago. It was actually in 212. BC. I don't know if they had the Australian Open in two... They did. They did. Okay, you would know better than me. They did. Well, the reason I know is because I am 1,700 years old. Oh, wow. Ancient Chinese secret? That's right. How are you liking Australia? I hate it. You do? Why? I can't stand it because there's nothing to eat here. Nothing to eat? There's all kinds of delicious food and cuisine. Yeah, I ate yesterday. What does it say? Vegemite? Vegemite. Vegemite. Right, that's what I say. Vegemite. Vegemite. Vegemite. Vegemite. It's yeast spread, so it doesn't taste very good. Yeah. Well, I just wanted to have you in today and wish you good luck against Kim Clijsters in the finals. Don't need it. Whoa. Bold words from a little Chinese woman. Yeah, I'm very small.
And I will mop the Ferrari here. Okay. Well, good luck to you. It's a guarantee. Oh, okay. I guarantee it. Good for you. That is Woods on Sports. Here's the thing. He said, I'll love you till I die. George Jones. Oh, no, Mike. No, Mike. He said, I'll love you till I die. Here we go. Here we go. Here, catch a catfish. She told me. Think that guy's ever sat in a boat that's made out of aluminum? Do you think that guy in his pantry right now has a vat of Crisco? Ever worn dusty jeans? Think he could open a beer can with one hand? Do you think he knows how to pack a pack of Marlboro Reds? That guy's ever cheated.
I don't know every song's about that, so I'm guessing, yeah, I'm guessing he has. Pauly D is a little concerned about GTL in Italy. Who wouldn't be? Who wouldn't be? I wouldn't be. Yeah, that's right. Well, yeah, you would. We'll explain. I went to see him just today, but I didn't see no tears. This is the happiest I've ever been in my radio career. This is great. This is the happiest I've ever been in my radio career. Yeah, me too. Me too. How dare you. How dare you. Well, I had a radio career. I was in the promotions department. I was in the sales department. They both sucked. Yeah. No, they didn't suck. This was better. Yeah. I love this room. I've listened to the radio.
As long as I can remember. And this is the happiest you've ever been. Yeah. Except for maybe that one summer when I was 26. I told my wife yesterday about what L.O.B. said when we were talking about the textures. Oh, my God. You told Rebecca? And she laughed. Oh, boy. Now, that's all I have to say. Yep. See, that's what the beauty of radio is. Wink, wink. You don't even have to say wink. Yes, I do. No, you don't. It's wiener time. Jay. Nice beaver. No. Bring out the big ones. Jay. What? Don't do that. When you do that. Wink, wink. It's not a wink, wink, though. Mike. Wink, wink. You say wink, wink. That makes my mouth water. That makes my mouth water. You don't wink, wink after you say that makes my mouth water. That makes my mouth water. But if you say wink, wink after that makes my mouth water. Nice beaver. Jay. Threw my door. You can't do that. Mikey, I'm sorry. My lips are all burnt. My hair's burnt off from the damn balloon. I broke my hip when I fell. You broke your hip probably years ago. Snowboard. No.
Probably the Korean War. He helped Jesus carry the cross. That's right. Are we done? Was Noah a nice guy? Get out of the way. You don't know what you're doing. Was he a micromanager? Yeah, that's what I hated about Noah. He was a micromanager. Couldn't swing a hammer to save his life. I'm old. Do you guys get the feeling that if Jay has a threshold, we skirt it. Let's say that Jay's threshold were a fuel tank that holds 15 gallons. Do you sometimes get the feeling
that the gas thing is like, and the numbers are turning and turning and turning, and the gallons are going up, and you're like, I think we might be about to top this sucker off. We almost got there during our meeting yesterday. Yes. It was close. Can I pull the curtain back? Yes. I'm not sure. Oh, boy. Jay's wife, Kim, doesn't like it. Oh, really? No, no, no. I didn't know that. Wait a second. Now, see? I didn't even know that. Hold on. Did that happen to me? Not that she doesn't like it. She goes, oh, so you're the butt of the jokes now. Because it was me. Yeah, it's just a turn in the barrel. No, I think it was when she said, when I cut my hair off, she said, oh, now you're the stunt boy. And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not the stunt boy. I'm just outside. I just get into balloons. I just get into balloons. Yeah, she's getting into balloons and light pickles. You know, she knows I like the craziness. Listen. I don't blame her. Wait a minute. Hang on. If Kim is listening, I want Kim to know. We love you. Listen. She knows we love her.
Yeah, I know, but like. In case we don't say it enough. I just want to say. Nice beaver. Let Mike say it. Oh, Mikey's going to brag. Now we're getting to his. Yeah, we've been there. Mikey, continue. I just want to say that any time anybody doesn't want to do anything, all they got to do is say. It wasn't you guys. It was me cutting all the hair off. Y'all quit making fun of my boys. No. Does she get mad at you? No, she doesn't care less about that. The only thing that kind of freaked her out because the entire family was the hair thing. Because I came home, they're like, what? And they're still like, you still don't look like yourself. I'm like, that's just hair. We thought we. You are the one that brought it up. You guys didn't talk me into that. Sienna and I tried to say. No. I even said, you don't have to cut your hair. I said, you need to shave it. Yeah, it's fun. Can you get the snuff off your top lip? It's everywhere. It was covering your mouth. I feel sorry for our family members. And even our friends that we talk about. And our Hungarian nannies. They don't sign up for it. Sometimes I walk into my house and it's like I'm tiptoeing in my house. Boy, I hope she didn't hear that. Because I'm a dead man if she did. And she just looks at me now and she's like, really? Or she sends me a text that goes,
Oh, that's nice. You were on another show, Sienna, at one point. Did they not open up this much about their lives and about their talent? No, we are much more open than I think any other show I've ever heard. Yeah, because I know just listening to, I mean, other shows. They don't give all the juicy details. They'll pull back or they'll, you know. Like they wouldn't say that they were driving to work and went. doo-doo in their pants. Not a lot of people do that so they wouldn't have to report on it. That's not true. Toddlers do. And elderly. I think the biggest reason that we do stuff like that though... Because we're incontinent? Right. And it's awesome is just because we're such good friends off the air that it's like you're just talking to your friends. You forget. It's true. We talk exactly this way off the air. And that's... You know, what's cool, yet scary. Yesterday, pulling the curtain back. Uh-oh. Yesterday, we were discussing this topic that we did earlier about texture. Things we don't, you know, cotton candy tastes bad in Mike's mouth. He doesn't like the feeling of it. Yes. And you've set yourself up. How dare you? And I go, so I'm presenting the idea. I said, what if we did the topic?
of things that you don't like the texture of in your mouth. And I'm like, you know, mine is cotton candy and everybody's like sort of saying their thing. We just said, oh, I have one. Yeah, we're all going around and we're all kind of saying, oh, yeah, yeah, this one, this one, this one. And sweet. Sweet? Demure. Sweet, demure, librarian. Classy. Classy looking. She looks behind her. L-O-B. says with complete seriousness, she looks at me and does this kind of confused face and proceeds to say the filthiest thing I've ever heard. Yep. And the room explodes with laughter and my jaw drops open. Yeah. And I just stare at her. And this next part is actually what made my wife laugh. I said,
And L.O.B. does not break character. Everybody around her is dying laughing. And she continues to look at me like she's confused. And she goes, like that, Mike? Like, is that what you mean? Like, is that what you're going for? As if the word was saltwater? Like, exactly. Like as if saltwater. Like it was weird that you were laughing. Or shocked. In fact, I won't say what it is that she said, but let's say it was taffy. Just so we can insert a word. She goes, so like taffy, right? Like taffy. Code word? Code word taffy. Everybody just breaks up laughing. And I look at her with my mouth dropped open. I mean, they're dying. And she doesn't break. She just continues to look at me. She continues to look at me seriously. And then she squints. And she goes. Like that, Mike? Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean? And I'm like, holy cow. You say you filter. I go, you are a filter. Should we get an all-male bar or something? She is SNL funny, dude. She is SNL funny. I know how to get.
Oh, my God. Sometimes it backfires, but I just love to stay. You're the dirtiest bird. You're the dirtiest bird. It's true. When we get off the air, me and L.O.B. specifically, and Jay sometimes, I turn into a shock jock. The minute the mics go off. And, like, we do it just to see Mike's reaction. And it's like when you're five and you run downstairs on Christmas and you're like. Oh, my God. Look at all these presents. That's how we feel when we get you. And I take the same approach that I do with my kids. Just ignore it. You know, just ignore it. You shut your body shuts down. Yeah, I just go. The things that we say. And that that's what I know. Yeah, it's better than a laugh. It's better than a laugh. It is better than a laugh because you can fake a laugh. You cannot fake that reaction. Yeah. Spin out. And then I'm, it's okay, Mike. It's okay. It's okay. Sienna starts going, it's okay. Just ignore it. You know, they're just having fun. Just clowning. Don't let it get to you. And I swear, if Sienna weren't there, and for a while she wasn't. We would just keep going and going. Sienna, when you were gone.
It was like they were playing tug war with you. It was like Richard Pryor was in here. We were high-fiving each other. We had Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy. So funny. Dane Cook. All right, let's talk about... GTL? Yeah, the Pauly D thing. So apparently, Pauly D... Oh, by the way, tonight's 8 o'clock album is Bob Dylan. Love and Theft. Pauly D from the Jersey Shore. He's concerned. Your favorite show. I hate what it stands for. I hate everything about it. I've never seen one episode. It's safe to say that everyone has heard of The Jersey Shore. Of course. And it's very popular. Most people watch it. I just, I hate what it is, you know. But everybody knows that about me. Well, the next season of The Jersey Shore, obviously it takes place in Jersey. They filmed a season in Miami. They're back in Jersey now. And then the fourth season, they're going to be going to...
Italy because, you know, most of them are Italian or at least claim to be. So the next season they're going to Italy and Pauly D, one of the guys from the show, says, you know, he's concerned that he can't do the GTL in Italy, which is gym, tan and laundry, which is, you know, his routine, which he does every day. Gym, tan, laundry. Are the guys on the Jersey Shore good looking guys? The girls that like the Guido type would say yes. Okay, so they're the Guido type. Yeah, they're tan. They wear the gold chains, the styled hair. They're buff, in good shape, tight shirts. Do they look like they have a fake tan? Yes. Well, they look Italian for the most part. They look orange, too, though, sometimes. They look a little orangey, but if I were to be that tan, it would be obvious for them. It's not that bad. Are they moving to Italy? Are they doing a season? They're going for a season. Oh, they're going to go for a whole season? For a whole season. I bet Italians are furious. Oh, I'm sure. Why? Do they even know who they are? They don't know. They claim to be Italian, but they can't speak a word of Italy, Mike. Italy. Italian Mikey. I'm Mexican, can't speak a word of Spanish. That's right. Yeah, so he's, you know. Can't speak a word of Mexican. It's Spanish, Hoyle. It's Spanish.
If he is Mexican, then he would speak Mexican. No, we are. If you're from Spain, you'd speak Spanish. Well, we're American and we speak English. You speak American. No, I speak English. I say that at the DMV all the time. I'm like, you should be speaking American. I'm sure you get some weird looks. I do, but they don't understand what I'm saying. That's true. Right, Mikey? Why do you say it like that? I understand. He speaks very good English. Yes, he does. You speak very good English, Mikey. M1 MC Meldog is on the line. Oh, wow. Haven't heard from her in a while. MC Meldog? Hi, Mikey baby. Hi, Meldog. How are you? Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. I can hear you fine. I'm upset. About what? You sure have a lot of questions about the Jersey Shore. You never seen it? I don't watch it. I don't like what it stands for. You can't just be up on it. You play American Idol. You play Bachelor Clips. You play all these drug videos that you're watching. I don't watch drug videos. Drug videos. It's all you talk about, really. I don't even know. The illegal use of drugs. The illegal purchase of drugs. What? We never talk about that. I never talk about that. And we were just talking about the Jersey Shore. Sienna did a whole update. Yeah. You know how long they've been on the air for? Three seasons. This is the third. Yeah. Thanks for finally bringing it up.
Sienna. I bring it up whenever something big happens. Snooki writing a book, you know. Are you from Texas or where are you from? I notice an accent. Oh, very funny. That always gets them, you know? You are from New Jersey. No, that's not New Jersey. You're from New York. You're from New York. It's a burrow. You're from New York. Yes, but I've spent every single summer since I was just a little tiny weed at the Jersey Shore. At the Jersey Shore. All right, so educate me. Tell me about it. What is the Jersey Shore? Why the Jersey Shore? Why not? Why the San Diego sunshine? Why do you ask stupid questions? I'm just trying to figure it out. I want to know what the appeal is. You peed her off. Yeah, I know I did, but I want to know what the appeal is. Can I tell you something, Mike? Yeah, yeah. Did you know that 64% of your men age 18 to 34 watch the Jersey Shore? I believe that that's a made-up statistic. I agree with you. Where did you get that? Where would you possibly get that? Did you know that six out of your seven female listeners prefer the situation to John Mayer? That is... See, that is for sure a made up. Made up. You made that up. You made it up. That is in the Farmer's Almanac. Oh, wow. The Farmer's Almanac? Six of seven Mikey Show listeners prefer the situation to John Mayer. I read it. I bring it in. It's a fake bit. It's a fake bit.
You're so against democracy. I'm not against democracy. You're against democracy. You're a vegetarian. I'm not a vegetarian. He's eating pork chops right now. High heel loving. What did he say? High heel loving. High heel loving. What is it? You wear high heels. What kind of a man wears high heels? He wears a flannel nightgown. Is there something you need to tell us? I heard about that. I don't wear high heels. You do wear a nightgown. For the record. Hey, Mike. For the record. You wear it not young. For the record. Get it out there, Mike. I wear long pajamas. Without pants. Go ahead. It's a long negligee. Here's an idea. Is your name Melissa? Is that the deal? Don't worry about what my name is. All right. All right. Go ahead. Go ahead. Maybe you should spend more time talking about pop culture instead of popular science. I've never mentioned popular science. You always talk about popular science. You subscribe to it. Have you ever listened to the show? Oh, I listen. I feel like she's trying to put stuff out there about me that is not true. It's not true. She's like a muckraker. Yeah. She works for the reader. Like, I even know what a muck is. Like, I'd even take a rake to muck if I don't even know what it is. Can you imagine being in an argument with...
MC Meldon. Couldn't imagine anything worse. Hey, Mike, you think anyone cares about your stupid stamp collection? We don't care. What? I don't have... You don't? You always talk about it. I've got the Elvis one. I've got the Shirley Temple. I have never... I have never one time said that I have a stamp collection. Not once, ever. I never have. Why do you have the picture of the Grand Canyon 1974 on your Facebook page? I don't. I don't have that. I read your tweets. I read your tweets. Okay, you can read my tweets. I never said that. Everything you talk about. Tracy Morgan this. I've never said a word. I never have. Thank you, Melissa. All right, I'll go back. That's MC Melwell. Ever just start a song you've already played? You sure do. Every day, once a day. Plebeian. Plebeian. You see, Mikey? Need to learn the board better. Maybe somebody gives him the instruction manual in Mexican. Spanish. Dashboard confessional. What's up with those paintball attacks in San Diego? You guys heard about this? Mm-hmm.
I don't know if you have. Last couple days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sienna's going to fill you in on where it's happening in San Diego and what it's all about. Next. Honey, if you're listening, Sienna wants the orzo salad recipe. I've already emailed her. You did? It's so good. It's my favorite thing she makes. Sorry, I'm chewing. What? What is the deal, Sienna, with the paintball attacks in San Diego? What's going on? Oh, my gosh. This is so strange. This has happened on Monday and Tuesday evenings. Numerous people got hit by drive-by paintballers. Now, this happened in Hillcrest, North Park, in a place I've never even heard of before. What? Talmadge? Never heard of it. Me neither. It's pronounced Talmadge. Talmadge. Jeez. Come on. Have you never been around North Park?
Oh my gosh. Friggin' Woods lived there for like three months and he moved out. Yeah, I know. He moved out and he moved out in a huff. Anyway. Those are two of my favorite areas. Hillcrest and North Park are very fun. But they were drive-by assaults. No serious injuries. However, you can see like some people got bruising. Paintballs hurt. Chances that it's not teenagers. Chances. I hope it's teenagers. Chances. Zero. Zero percent. Right. There is a 0% chance that if they catch who did this, that the person is above the age of 19 years old. Well, there's five confirmed victims. All of them are men. And they said it was a dark-colored four-door small car. And it looked like there was young teenagers in it driving, they said. Were they gay guys that got hit? I don't know. Because if it was a hate crime. That's so stupid, too, because you could put somebody's eye out so easily. It's a hate crime, though. Those kids will be prosecuted much heavier. Absolutely. And it should be. They could face assault or battery charges along with a possible hate crime allegation stemming from the anti-homosexual slur. Oh, one of them yelled something out. Idiots. Oh, yeah, that constitutes a hate crime. What an idiot.
What do you guys think about this? Jennifer Love Hewitt. Like her. No, that's not the question. I like to. For the record, I like her. On the record. Derriere. I like to paw her. Wink, wink. She's an odd guy. But anyway, Jennifer Love Hewitt. She is getting married. No. Nope. Do you want me to set it up? Yeah, I thought she was getting married. Nope. I watched this. She was on Ellen earlier this week. And Ellen was like, tell me about your boyfriend. She has a boyfriend who is pretty average. Not average. Wow. Not average, but he's not a celebrity. He's like a producer or something. He's an average person is what I meant. He's a commoner is what she meant. He's a commoner like all of us. I meant he's like less than. Right.
So sorry. I didn't mean that. Gardner. What I meant is he's a Mexican. No. He's a regular old Joe. He makes sausage. He's a sausage maker. He's just like Joe Escondido. His name is Alex, and they've been together for seven months. This is what she was telling Ellen on her show. And Ellen said, now, I heard something. Is it true that you already have your engagement ring picked out? Even though you're not engaged, she has been before. She dated, well, John Mayer, a lot of famous people. She's one of those serial daters. Really? Oh, yeah. When she's out of a relationship, she's in a... I think she was married once before. Yeah, she was. She was. Woods. She's not crazy. You don't know that she's crazy. Don't I? He did the finger on the ear. Let me hear the whole thing before I... Okay. Okay. So Ellen says, now I heard, you know, that you already have your engagement ring picked out. And she said, well, actually I have three. Oh, boy. And Ellen's like, well, what do you mean? And she said, well, I don't want whenever a guy does propose, you know.
I don't want it to be an ugly ring. She said, I have friends that I'll say, oh, let me see a ring. You just got engaged. And they'll say, oh, it's actually at home. And she. Jennifer Love Hewitt said, well, that's because it's ugly. I'm sure it's because it's ugly. And then I do see the ring that's ugly. And I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to have an ugly ring. I've never run into someone who I know has been engaged and they don't have the ring on. She's ridiculous. And so Ellen said, well, what store do you have these three rings picked out? And she said, Tiffany. Of course. And yeah, she just said, I love all three of these rings. And so that way the guy can choose. It's not like I have one picked out and I'll be surprised, but it'll be a good surprise because I'll know that I'll love it. Yeah, I don't like that. It's crazy. That's way too control-free. Here's the deal. If you get engaged, okay, then give me some choices. You're not even engaged yet. I don't like that either. That's crazy. I don't like that either. I like it if you're engaged. The guy should pick it out. Yes. But wait, how does he get engaged to you without giving you a ring? Maybe I'm on board. You don't pick it out. Yeah, you do. No, you don't.
The guy. Why? Because you're an idiot and you don't know how to pick out a ring? No, because you have a wiener and you don't know anything about diamonds like she does. You ask her friend, her sister, her mom. So you're homosexual if you can pick out a good ring. No. No. Who said that? You go, you have a wiener and you don't know. Yeah, you don't know about cut and clarity and things like that. You don't really learn. Can you look at something and know if it's nice? No. I would rather her have something that she wants. People are all different. Some people would, some women would prefer nothing more than to be involved. I got a couple buddies that did their wedding rings. Looked like turds. Yeah, well, your buddies didn't know what they were doing. This is such a turd diamond. All right, then I will say this. Obviously they didn't know what they were doing. I'll say this. If you're a guy that doesn't know what you're doing and you know if you're that guy. Yeah. Then, okay, fine. I'm not that guy. I'm not that guy. That's like, oh. There are a lot of guys. I went to the thing with my wife, and I go, what do you want? Yep, that's what we did, too. Pick one. And she goes, that's the one I want. I go, but this one's $5,000 less. How romantic. That's what I want. Todd was that guy. He doesn't know a thing. It's fine. My mom went with him, and they did it together, and I couldn't have asked for a better ring. And that way, I was surprised, but my mom helped. Couldn't you have?
Couldn't you have asked for a better ring? Would you have done it the exact same? I would not have picked a different ring if I had a million. She likes it because he picked it out. Yeah. And he, you know, did it. And I loved it. And you didn't know. I had zero idea. And no input. Rebecca didn't know. No input. She had no input. I had never even made a suggestion. Yeah. See, Kim and I went and picked out the rings. I had to pay on them forever. She didn't get it for a year. Like, we didn't even get engaged for a year. That's fine. Yeah. I mean, if that's your... thing fine yeah i'm not gonna go in willy-nilly like i'll go buy gifts but i'm not gonna go in willy-nilly on something that means that much and is that expensive like i want her input i'm not i'm not gonna beat my chest and say this is what you get couldn't you have asked one of her friends or no they don't know they don't know like she knows and you know in all honesty when i proposed i didn't Beat my chest. You sure? I thought I saw a picture of you. Yeah, there's pictures. There is some photographic evidence of me beating my chest. Saying, this is what you get. That's what you get. Wasn't it at a waterfall, though? Wasn't it at a waterfall? Wasn't it at a rest stop? What? It was not at a rest stop. Wasn't it on an old 66 or a 66? Went to the Burgers and Brew, right? Burgers and Brew.
Listen. Actually, now that I hear it, I'm like, now this guy is like, now if he's a gardener, he's not going to be able to afford it. She's probably going to have to buy her own ring like, what's her face did? Jessica Simpson. But ask. Would you ask? Let me talk to your girlfriend. But you look at their jewelry and their style. Listen, here's what I, I knew what she didn't want. I knew certain cuts that she didn't want. But I wanted something where she could go. I freaking love this, and I never want it to change, and that's the one I want. And I go, okay, then that's the one you get. I understand that. A lot of people are like that. It didn't suck any of the romance out of it at all. It really didn't. But then she knew it was coming. Well, yeah. We got engaged before. I asked her to marry me before I had a ring. But that's not most people. No, that's true. And that would suck the romance out if you knew it was coming. I remember the day we got it. I took it. We went and picked it up, and I was like. There you go. Put it right on her finger. I mean, I wasn't, you know, Romeo from the balcony or anything, but it was still pretty rad because she was stoked. She preferred that. There's some women, it's like a Sex and the City episode, but my friend was exactly like this. If the guy picks out a ring that is so far from her taste, she's like, how can I marry this guy? Right, yeah. If he can't even pick out a ring for, like, he doesn't know me. Well, here's the thing. I mean, like, you, by the time I asked Rebecca to marry me.
I knew what her style was. I knew what her taste was. I knew her really, really well. And so when I went to get the ring, I went to this place in San Francisco that's like a diamond wholesaler. We knew somebody that could get us in there. You had to have a membership to it. We went in there. I have a membership. I'm just kidding. You're a lifetime member. I know. I wanted to educate myself. Cut and clarity. And I want to know what all that stuff means. And then I found the one that I thought that she would, you know, really dig. Todd told me that when he saw the setting he gave me, it was like a light bulb went off and he was like, that's Sienna. Yeah. If you know it. And like once she put the there were two there and one was X and one was X plus 5000. And I go, which one? And she goes, I want X plus 5000. And I said, of course you do. And they're both awesome. They both look like her.
But her ring is her. It's an antique. It's 100 years old. It's her. It's Jamie. But had I walked in there, I would have had no clue. I would have been like, uh. But if you go with one of her girlfriends that knows her, it helps. Yeah, I guess. I would say there are very few men that are like you, Mike, that could do it all on their own. I'd say the help of a close female friend or relative is probably the best way to go. Like L.O.B., if you ever got engaged to Matt, would you want Matt to pick out the ring or would you like to have some input? I feel like there's no way he could do it without the input. Need some input. Because I don't wear a whole lot of jewelry as it is, but I think there's also a few women that are outspoken that they want a say in it. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But if she hasn't said that she wants a say in it, don't ask her to put her say in it, I would say. That's not the girl for me. Probably not. Well, I mean, but, like, Sienna, you've done some redesigning on some things before. You know what I mean? I will tell Todd, it's not really me, and return it. But when it comes to a wedding band, that's, I don't know. I was loving that I didn't know. That's why when I said, that's why I was like, wouldn't you maybe have done something different? I just redesigned a bracelet. There you go. M1 Gary from Escondido. Hi. I just wanted to really add something. Mikey just kind of covered it a tiny bit. But, yeah, I want to add that if you're just about to drop five grand on a present,
You do your research, so you do become an expert in clarity and cuts. It's not something you just go and pick out because you like the look of it. I didn't go to Toys R Us to get it. I went to a nice accredited place, and I let her learn about it. He just means when you're going to spend a lot of money, you do your research. When you're going to spend a lot of money, make sure that your wife is stoked on what she's going to get. That was more important to me than cutting clarity. I wanted her to be happy. It was about her happiness. I'd say that works for you guys, but the majority of women, Would like the element of surprise. Not only that. And see what they would get for you. Yeah, it's so intriguing. The thing about it to me is like, we're not talking about a blouse that has to fit. You know, it's like, I don't know how that fits. How could I possibly get it? I don't know how it fits. No, no, no, no, no. You're picking out flowers. That's what you're doing. Yeah. And you're picking out the type of flowers that you think she would like. Sure. And unless you're just a complete dodo bird. she's going to love the flowers you give her because you picked them out. Exactly. And you thought of her. As opposed to walking into the flower shop and being like, go ahead, have at it. Okay, well, I like flowers and I know what I like. Okay, fine, I'll take that. Yeah, she's going to like it at the end of the day. It's her flowers. It's different. It's different. I'd say it's a good analogy. $10,000 flower bouquet? Really? I mean, come on.
Let her be happy. It's a lot of dough, and she's got to wear it the rest of her life. Flowers die. Diamonds don't. Lauren made a really good point. If you're with a girl for a while, she'll know when you're getting to the point where you can talk about marriage. Hopefully she'll know. But she'll tell you if she wants to know. If she doesn't say anything, that's all you picking that out. I feel... that a woman can ask me to marry me in 2011. And I think that she should know what kind of band I want. You're in the small minority myself. Yeah, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I may have imagined that she was my girlfriend. Yeah. And she's just singing about you. I may have done that with Vanessa Carlton, too. Never liked that. Was she 14 in that video? She's a lesbian. Who is? Vanessa Carlton. She is? Yeah, she came out. She was with Stephen Jenkins from Third Eye Blind forever. She thought he was a girl.
She thought he was a girl for the first three months they did. That makes my mouth war. I had no idea. Yeah. Well, at least I think so. She played Lilith Fair. Just kidding. No, she actually did. No, she actually did. She came out. She did. I met her. Good for her. I met her. She's probably what did it. Probably. She's like, never mind. She's like, never mind. Jay got a big laugh at that. This is the loudest I've ever heard of. I've never heard Jay laugh like that before. Say it again. Oh, my gosh. Can you burn that for me? Oscillate. Oscillate. Best of. Best of. This is a ringtone. Holy cow. Can I ask you a question, Hillary? Yeah. Have you ever heard a song by a guy? This is going to be hard for you if this is true to admit, but have you ever heard a song by a guy and you imagine that he's your boyfriend? Oh, 100%. Really? Oh, yeah. Especially when I was little. No, I took it to... What about when you were 31? Well, I was married. Because I did it when I was like 35. I was married. Oh, that was sort of a lot. But, you know, yeah. Oh, yeah. I totally have my little fantasies. I've imagined that Colby Coyier is my girl.
Really? And it's a Sunday morning and you're in the kitchen making coffee and she's just picking on her guitar a little bit, writing songs about you. And you're in your nightgown and she's just picking songs about you. All white sheets, all white pillows. That's not my fantasy. I'm feeding you tacos. There you go. There you go. Come here, baby. Pouring hot sauce down your throat. Maybe she dribbles some hot sauce on her chest. It looks like the scene from American Beauty only instead of rose petals. I'm laying an enchilada. Tortilla chips. I'm nude covered in tortilla chips covering the private. Shouldn't it be her? No, it would be me. Because she's the one singing to him. I was in the shower about a month ago and had Dear John on.
loud on my speakers and was just sitting there washing my hair, conditioning my hair, doing my facial scrub and just listening and thinking, I wish I was John. What if I was John? Your wife is sleeping and you're listening to a 20-year-old girl. Well, the thing that's interesting about it is that Woods... wants to be the guy that screwed her over. He doesn't want to be the guy that she's in love with currently. He wants to be the guy that screwed her over. And she's not sad about it. She's vindictive about it, which is even crazier. Your fantasy is that she's psycho about it. I know. I know. I am. I'm Ted Bundy. I'm lathering up, just going, what if that was me? What if that was me? What if some girl wrote a song like this about me? I'd have to go back to her. Oh, boy. I would. I'd be like, sorry, I'm sorry. Let's make it right. I wouldn't take you back. Let's make it right. Please, let's make it right. I would not take you back.
Does every guy feel like that? No. I don't think my husband, I think you'd think I was a weirdo if I heard a song about him. Yeah, I would. You're crazy. No, but I bet. Oh, I would love it. It is possible, though, that he has thought when he hears a song by somebody, what if that was my girlfriend? Todd would be Lita Ford. Todd, yeah, would be Lita Ford. Joke, joke. Lita Ford. Way over my head. Liza Minnelli. I know Liza Minnelli. All right, there's one more. 87 Supra. Yeah. 87, lead a four. He said yesterday he might get rid of the 87 Supra. No, he can't. Wow. Why? Because it's so old. He has a Tahoe now, and so he drives a Tahoe almost this time. And so the Supra just sits at our house, and it's so old if you don't drive it all the time, there's problems. My favorite part of the Supra story is that... It's not a car that he maintained and kept since high school when the 87 Supra was a badass car. He went through the magazine and went, I've got to find a freaking 87 Supra. Craigslist. Craigslist, I've got to find an 87 Supra. That's the one I want. It was the cool car when he was in high school. He needed it. It's so great. Here's the other one. There's three. For you? Yeah. Oh, wow. Vanessa Carlton, now lesbian. Are you sure she really is? She came out. Can I guess what the third one's going to be? The other one was Vanessa Carlton.
What was the first one? Colby Calloway. Colby Calloway. And I know the next one. I think I know it. I think I know it. Cindy Lauper. Fiona Apple. No. Sarah McLaughlin. Nope. Sarah's one of mine. Fiona Apple. Hint. Brunette. Jamie Lewis? Now a mom. Juliette Lewis. No. Cheryl Crow? Nope. Brunette. Sandra Bullock? Celine Dion. I know it. Who is it? I have no idea. I know. Michelle Brand. Michelle Brand. She reminds me of Vanessa Carlton. I always mix those up. I love the voice. I love the voice. It's so feminine. I like girls that sing like girls. I don't like girls that sing like Cookie Monster. He doesn't like tough guy girls. Pink. Pink. Joan Jett. Katie Lang. You like Katie Lang. Stevie Nicks in. Love Stevie Nicks. Love Stevie Nicks.
But if a girl seems like a girl, love it. Bro, if I could transport myself back to 79 and date Stevie Nicks, do it today. Oh, I would love it. What's one of those for you, Hillary? Well, it was like Simon Le Bon. Oh, yeah. When I was in middle school, elementary school. But then as I got older, now it's like the... punk rock guys really yeah like fat mike he's he's not much to look at but i he's from no effects i love the way he sings the way they harmonize the lyrics are so funny um you know i'm not really i met him and it burst that bubble oh i thought he's nice oh no he was very nice but he's kind of just talk through flow and i'm taller than him so That really crushed my soul right there. The song that you played yesterday, the band that has three words, just one word, you know? Need to Breathe. Yes. Wow. That guy's voice is one that I would envision him singing to me because it's such a nice voice. I'll do it. And I Googled Vanessa Carlton. She announced that she was gay at the Nashville Pride Festival in June. Good for her. Good for her. Yeah, she was with Third Eye Blind Guy for a long time. She thought he was a girl. Yeah, and he drove her to it, I guess. Yeah, this voice.
Yeah, you could all marry him. If this guy was my friend, I would ask him to sing all the time. I know. I want to wake up to his voice singing to me. I want him to sing me to sleep. Sing while he's cooking me dinner. I don't know. Oh, I like that. Oh, man. Oh, he's got such a sultry little... Easy, Mikey. I like how the Ray LaMontagne, Amos Lee, Anders Osborne goes. Ray LaMontagne gets me. The girl from Metric. Is she pretty? Yes. Yeah, she's cute. It doesn't even matter when their voice is so amazing. What does the girl from Metric look like? She's blonde. Skinny blonde. So there you go. Little miracle. But she's awesome. She's a smart, independent woman. She moved to South America to write their last record.
Smart independent one. Go get your Vanessa Carlton. That's right. There you go. Let's see. What do you got coming up, Hillary? Oh, what did I grab? Ben Folds 5 in film school and Cage the Elephant. We'll talk about yesterday's crazy time down in Obie. Some Kings of Leon. Dead Kennedys. Yeah. Let's do it. Lovely and talented Hillary is up next. And we will see you tomorrow morning at 6 o'clock. The Mikey Show is out late.