The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 02/28/11
Monday, February 28, 2011
Oscars hostsKirk DouglasCharlie Sheen interviewradio comedyRenaissance fairdating double standardsconvenience store challengediet secrecybody part hypotheticalsTaylor Swiftoscarsradio
Mikey, Woodsy, Lauren O'Brien, Sienna and Jay roasted the Oscars, argued over whether Kirk Douglas's appearance was joyful or exploitative, and treated Charlie Sheen's clean drug test as even more alarming because his interview remained grandiose and combative. Lauren supplied two of the funniest stories: a flatulent Renaissance-fair squire and a surprise lap dance that exposed her admitted double standard with Matt Commerce. Lyrical Chairs fed into a convenience-store punishment involving dried plums, pickled sausage and whole shrimp, before Ciro upstaged everyone by eating the worst items with extreme hot sauce and trying Copenhagen. Listener Pam's hidden-candy dilemma and the Taylor Swift debate turned the jokes into arguments about shame, hypocrisy, image and how much private behavior a partner or the public gets to judge.
What happened, in order
Oscars Host Roast
The crew called the Oscars boring, with Woodsy convinced James Franco was high while others thought he was terrified and Lauren O'Brien's dislike of Anne Hathaway's girl-next-door persona became part of the joke.
Kirk Douglas Debate
Kirk Douglas's playful presentation split the room between people who found him sharp and lovable and Mikey, who worried that putting an elderly stroke survivor onstage amounted to exploitation.
Eight-Year-Old Jail Call
After reporting that an eight-year-old had been arrested for the fifth time, the show improvised a darkly comic call in which the child begged his distracted parents to rescue him from a cellmate named Cornelius.
The Gassy Squire
Lauren described hearing a costumed performer fart behind a wall at a Renaissance fair, prompting an extended mock-medieval scene about a desperate, indigestion-stricken squire.
Surprise Lap Dance
Lauren wandered into an upstairs dance room, received an unsolicited comic lap dance while boyfriend Matt Commerce was in the bathroom, and admitted she would not tolerate the same thing happening to him.
Jay Forgets the Eyeliner
Jay forgot he was still wearing smeared eyeliner from a Justin Bieber punishment and calmly visited station executives and handed out cupcakes while nobody told him.
Charlie Sheen Unraveling
The crew played Charlie Sheen's sober-but-jittery interview, challenged his attacks on AA and Chuck Lorre, and marveled at claims about warlocks, tiger blood, Adonis DNA and winning.
Convenience Store Roulette
A game punishment left Mikey with chili-coated dried plums, Sienna with a pickled Tijuana Mama sausage, Lauren with whole dehydrated shrimp and Woodsy with the suspiciously lucky Twix.
The Hidden Candy Evidence
Caller Pam found candy wrappers and a peanut M&M's receipt while dieting with her husband, and the hosts argued over whether confronting him would protect his health or merely shame and police him.
Ciro Becomes Stunt Boy
Ciro casually ate dehydrated shrimp drenched in Dave's Insanity Sauce, tried Copenhagen and finished a discarded pickled sausage, turning himself into the show's instant stunt-boy hero.
Choose a Body Part
The hosts debated which body part they would sacrifice, then priced the humiliation of shaving their heads and settled into a serious negotiation over whether $50,000 or $100,000 would be enough.
Taylor Swift on Trial
Taylor Swift's dating life triggered an argument over whether she was a normal 21-year-old or a hypocritical serial dater whose innocent T-shirt-and-sneakers image did not match her behavior.
People mentioned
MikeyWoodsyLauren O'BrienSiennaJayJames FrancoAnne HathawayKirk DouglasMatt CommerceCharlie SheenChuck LorrePamCiroTaylor Swift
29,300 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
You can call us if you want to. 570-1949. It's cold. Real cold outside. And we're live today, just FYI. Don't be all freaked out. That's right. We are live. We're just feeling old school. Yeah. Old time listeners of the Mikey Show. Remember this used to be the show open? It's a jam. It is. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I'm 40. Woodsy is our sports guy. He's 35. Lauren O'Brien. Is our resident comedian. We call her L-O-B. Coffee bad? Real bad. No. Oh. Sienna is our news girl. She's 25. And Jay is our producer. He's 47. And screening phone calls today is Alan. It's Alan. It's Alan. It's Alan. Alan. So there he is. And he's taking your calls right now. Phone lines are lighting up. And he's talking to you.
Basically, he's just making sure that, you know, that you're not a clown. He doesn't want to take a call if somebody's like, you know, he wants to get somebody. He wants to get people on that have energy. Yeah. So he's looking for. He's looking for your energy. So you call him and you can talk about the Oscars or you could talk about the weekend or you can ask questions of us or anything you want. You can call in about right now. We're doing the lyrical chairs this morning at 7.30, but we're adding to it the convenience store challenge. Yes. Okay, so yes, lyrical chairs, we will get a word, which we will have to sing a song that has that word in it. And it's hard, man. You only get a couple seconds, and if you can't eat, you're out. It is tough. Now, today, everybody that's out. Oh, no.
has to participate in the convenience store challenge. Woods went to the convenience store, and he just got these filthy items. We don't even know what they are yet. We don't know what they are. He was like, I want to tell you so bad. I'm like, no. You know me. I can't keep a secret. It was everything I could do to not tell everybody what I know. Just wait. So anyway, we'll do that at 730. By the way, the winner of Lyrical Chairs doesn't have to do it. That's part of what you win. And then... This is what we'll be talking about. Oh, word of the day, by the way, flauta. I'm sorry, Mike. Sienna decides what the word of the day is. It makes me smile. Me too. Me too. And the words of the day have been things like piñata, you know. Horchata. Horchata. Today it's flauta. So when I say flauta between now and 10 a.m. Now and five minutes from now, more than likely. Well, see, Wood says that because I happen to be Mexican-American, but that doesn't mean that. Right, right, right. So, but I can't speak Spanish. But when we go to break, I mean, here's a typical conversation. It's just enchilada, fajita, flauta. Oh, sorry. I didn't say it. That's got to be Mike. You know, it's kind of how you talk during the break. Yeah.
So when I work the word flauta into a sentence between now and ten, none of that's true. Brito. Loco. Nino. Muchacha. Amigo. Between now and ten, when you hear that, get a pair of sunglasses and tickets to see G-Love and special sauce. Last night was the Oscars. 83rd annual Academy Awards. Yep. And I didn't watch one second of it. Did anybody here on the show? Yes. I did, yes. You guys did? Uh-huh. No. You did not, L.O.B. No. I heard it was boring. It was. Was it boring to you, Sienna? It's always boring. Sometimes it's pretty funny. It's always boring. I honestly, for whatever reason, I think the ratings are going to be big for this one. Why? I don't know. I was drawn in, and I'm usually not. All I read this morning, boring show, boring Oscars, boring blah, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the boring TV. Put a song together.
Thanks for the bad TV. The stupid freaking jokes. Hey, James Franco, you choked. I'd like to thank the Academy for one terrible show. Yes, thank you so much. Woods thinks James Franco was high on marijuana. There's zero question in my mind that he smoked an ounce of marijuana. I think he was just terrified. He just looks that way. I watched an interview. 10 minutes before it started of him backstage. And he was saying, like, instead of yes, he was like, Fless. And, like, he couldn't talk. And the woman's like, Fless? And he's like... Don't you think he was maybe inebriated? No. No. You can't be inebriated when you're hosting the Oscars. Stone. You can't. I mean, he needs more work. He needed to impress people. And that's probably what was going through his head. He sounded like he had marbles in his mouth. He was terrified. He was terrified. He was the first to say, I probably won't do great.
You know, I must say you look so beautiful and so hip. Oh, thank you, James. Yeah, you look very appealing to a younger demographic. Thank you. Thank you. You know, the reason Lauren hates Anne Hathaway is because Lauren's fed up with the whole, oh, I'm so cool. I'm just like every girl and blah, blah, blah. And then this morning I read. that that act is wearing thin. I'm like, L.O.B.'s right. Like, I read on, you know, as I was reading on Fox News this morning about the Oscars, they basically said exactly what you've been saying, L.O.B., that her act of like, oh, I'm just the sweet girl next door kind of thing is kind of wearing thin. She tries to be the average girl. That's it. She's not normal. Like, she's a spacey girl, kind of. We're both nominated. Actually, James, I'm not nominated tonight. Oh, come on, Anne. Don't be so modest. No, I'm not modest. I'm just not nominated. You know, it used to be, you get naked, you get nominated. Not anymore. Not anymore. But enough about me. Nervous left. James, you are nominated tonight for Best Actor. You're first. Pellis, are you nervous? Uh, no.
Come on, you must want to win a little bit. I mean, I don't know. I mean, what do you get if you win? You get an Oscar. Yeah, but do I, like, get money with it? No, you get prestige. For the rest of your life, everyone will refer to you as Academy Award winner James Franco. This is stupid right here. What do you mean everyone? Like, even my mom? That'd be weird if my mom called me Academy Award winner James Franco. I've known her a long time. Is your mom here tonight? I think. Yeah, she's somewhere. My mom's here, too. Hi, Mom. Hi. All right. Happy birthday, guys. Yeah, happy birthday. You look so beautiful, Mom. Annie, honey. Yeah? Stand-up's great. That's a great bit. What? You get it? Because that's her mom. All the jokes in between them, I just wanted to stab them. Do they write their own jokes, or do people write them for them? I think people write them for them. But guys like Steve Martin, when they do it, it's hysterical because they're comedians. Yeah. They were not funny. It was very uncomfortable. Chances next year. I read something that said, chances that anyone under 50 ever hosts the Oscars again is very slim now. I believe it should be that way. It's an honor. Now, Kirk Douglas got up and spoke. Oh, it was so great. And Sienna was like, Kirk Douglas, help me, guys. Kirk Douglas was...
Well, Planet of the Apes, right? Wow, you're really going way back. That's not as far back as what I think he's most famous for, right? Spartacus? Spartacus. You're sweet, I know that. She goes, that old guy was so cute. And I was like, that's Kirk Douglas. Mike Douglas' dad. I know Mike Douglas. I love it. So anyway, here's Kirk Douglas last night. Thank you. The stroke, is that the deal? Yeah. It starts off pretty rough and then it gets better. Thank you very much. And I want to thank them. Thank you. Who's idea? I don't know. He was probably my favorite part. I understand that, but who's idea? I mean, the producers of the show, Kirk himself. Did he get an award? No, he's presenting. He's presenting. Oh, he's presenting. Yeah. He doesn't act anymore. He's no longer an actor. He's not acting.
Much better out of the cave. And I want to thank Miss Hathaway. I thank you. She's gorgeous. And Hathaway. Is she? She is gorgeous. Is she? Wow. Where were you when I was making pictures? Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Woods is, like, shaking his hands out of nervousness. Me, too. Why? He's so sweet. What do you mean, why? He's sweet. It doesn't creep me out when old people say stuff like that. Show him in the audience. It doesn't creep me out when old people say stuff like that, either. kind of uncomfortable when an old person with a stroke says things. Is he supposed to not talk anymore? Maybe we don't put him up in front of people. He does fantastic. He's funny. He's making people laugh. He's adorable. Dick Clark. Same bit. It's so uncomfortable. He rules New Year's Eve. When I'm that age and I've had a stroke, I want my wife to go, babe.
someone else has invited you to do something, and I think that they just want the whole craziness of you getting up there and me to be like, thank you, babe. I love you. Seriously. She has to, dude. Somebody's got to be like, no. Somebody's got to say to the person on the other end of the line. No. He's done. He's done. He's had his time. He's done. 70 years in the Academy or something. I bet that made him feel so good to get back up there and fill his peers. He was so sweet and sharp. Show him he can stand up there and wave. Exploitation. Exploitation. But that's what he's been in his entire life. This is what he's done his entire life. He was stoked to get back up there in front of all those people. He knows that just because what he is on the outside is not what he is on the inside. It makes me sad, though. It makes me feel like they're taking advantage. They're not taking advantage. He knows. He was so happy. He was so happy. They gave him a gift. He's just happy that his dad is still alive.
Me too. I would be happy too. I'd say, hey, maybe you guys leave my pop alone. Maybe nothing else in this world makes him quite so happy than being on a stage. Yeah. I'm going to give you five of them. The nominee for Best Actress Supported Actress Award. I want to hug him. I do too. I want to hug him too. I love him so much. I'm glad he was there. It would have been the same without him. My goodness gracious. Kirk. Here's Kirk calling out Hugh Jackman. You know, now is the moment. The moment that we are all waiting for. For you to be able to just go back to your seat. No. For no one to be exploiting you anymore. Fade into the night. Fade. This is your twilight. Twilight. You've got a wonderful body of work.
We'd like to remember you. So if you're not perfect anymore, we should hide you. You guys are going to jinx him like we've done before. Oh, I know. Something's going to happen. He'll be gone. He'll be gone by Wednesday. We have some sort of jinx power. I've killed about nine guys. You have. You know me. Gary Cole. To me, it's not about Kirk. It's about the people that are having Kirk get up there. Maybe he wanted to do it. Maybe. If that was the kid. You know, but still. When he got the call, he was so happy. He could always say no. Yeah. But he, in his mind, thinks he can still do it. It's up to somebody else to say, hey, it's time, dude. He's making fun of himself and saying, you know, he has his cane up there and he does his little joke with a cane. I bet he gets a standing ovation. I bet he does, too, because he's had a stroke. He's a legend. He is. Everybody in Australia thinks I'm funny. Hugh Jackman was laughing at him. He's not laughing. He's British. He's British. I speak old people. Not 100% on what he said there. Not 100%. That said, still a better choice than Anne Hathaway. When he goes to read all the supporting nominees and then he has the envelope, are you going to play that?
I don't know that I have it. Oh, when he opens the envelope and he's like, you know, and you would say, and the winner is right away. He's like, so anyway. And he says so anyway like five times. And everyone's dying laughing because he won't just read the name. And he's doing it to be funny. And it's so funny. So anyway. And everyone's like, just say the name. He's like, please get him off the stage right now. This was a mistake. This was a mistake. This was a mistake. No. Pull him. Go to commercial. Yeah. They start playing the orchestra. That makes me so uncomfortable. When somebody's talking, I want to thank my mom and my dad. Hey, and the producers and the key grip. He was amazing. And craft services, the best food ever. It was so great. I can't believe I'm up here. And they start turning them down. They might as well have a hook. I know. And then Christian Bale. Brilliant. Who apparently is British. Yeah. Did not know that. Who knew? Well, let's run down. What do we got? The winners? Well, the biggest winner was The King's Speech. They won four Oscars. Best Picture, Best Actor with Colin Firth, Best Director, Tom Hooper, and Best Original Screenplay. That's good. Yeah. Best Actor, Colin Firth, The King's Speech, Actress. Best Actress was Natalie Portman, Black Swan. Like I said, Director was Tom Hooper. Original Song. I mean, there's...
Do you want me to go through all of them? Let me see. Okay. Let's see here. King's Speech, huh? Never heard of it. Never heard of it. I heard it was really good. I had heard of it. This is pathetic. It's one of those British. You have to see it, I guess. It's cool. The Wolfman, that movie with Benicio Del Toro, won for Best Makeup. Inception won a couple awards. Sound editing and sound mixing. Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails. He did not look like he used to look. Really? A tuxedo the whole bit, right? Yeah, and a little heavier. He won for Best Original Score. He did the music for The Social Network. Oh, that's right. Along with Atticus Ross, the dude that does the music that I play during my testimony. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Mm-hmm. From The Book of Eli? Yeah. Yeah. That guy. Let's see. Christian Bale.
made a joke, I guess, about how he gets angry. Because you remember when that underground, like somebody secretly taped him when he was flipping out when he was making that alien movie? Terminator. Terminator movie. Let's see. That was so funny. It was hysterical. It was a nudge up. Yeah. He's very committed. Yeah. Toy Story 3 won for Best Animated Feature Film. Greetings. Should have been How to Train Your Dragon. Yeah, it should have been. Yeah. I was really upset by that. Gosh, that was a great movie. Made me bald crying. Melissa Leo won for Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter. She dropped the F-bomb in her speech. She totally dropped the F-bomb. She made me upset. She was annoying. She was annoying. I saw... Just a quick clip of her. She bowed down to Kirk Douglas or something like that. Oh, yeah. That seemed weird. Oh, yeah. And after her acceptance speech, she walks away with Kirk Douglas because he's the one that gives the award. And she, like, took his cane and, like, started walking with it. Like, she was so shocked and so, like, can't believe she won that she needed the cane. He falls down because he doesn't have his cane. Oh, my gosh. Wow.
Mikey's out. Mikey just fell on the floor. No, but I don't know if I was the only one that noticed that, but I was like so mad by it. I'm like, give him his cape. Mikey can't get up. Somebody pushed the alarm on. Oh, no. On his necklace. Mikey, put something around your neck. Do it. I see that. Like he really is on the floor. Jack and Kai caught. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Wait a minute. Your head just popped up from the table. I thought that was your butt. I could see where you'd make that look. Nice to see that they both look alike. No, it's the balls. You just call me ass face and let's get it over. Ass head. It was the back of your head and it was the way you were getting up. One cheek up. One cheek up. Mike, I mistake your face for your butt. All the time. The back of your head was bald. All the time. And it was just, I saw a glimpse of it really quick. Wow. You know what I mean. And then Inception won for best cinematography. Yeah. That's cool. It was not best screenplay. Not surprising. Oh. What do you mean? Cinematography, yes. Screenplay, no.
Why are you hating on Inceptions? You still haven't seen it? Because I'm really mad at Christopher Nolan because I feel like they just spent way too much time showing how cool all the effects could be and not enough time filling in all the blanks. Well, I think the fact that it was nominated tells you it was all right. Yeah, everybody was all up in arms about how great it was, and I thought, eh, subpar. Now I got to see Black Swan on Natalie Portman. All the way in. She sure is a beauty. She is a beauty. She's a classic beauty. Yes. She's one in a million. She seems mean. She's a beauty. Yes. She seems mean. Why would I lie? Why would I lie? Don't fall in love. If you do, you'll find out she don't love you. Exactly. She's one in a million. That's right. She's one in a million girls. Everybody freeze their cojones off this weekend? Yes. Snow everywhere. Winter wonderland. You look at the mountains from anywhere in San Diego County, you can see snow-capped mountains. I had a little mini meltdown Saturday morning about the sunshine tax that I have to pay.
Here, it pretty much rains since I moved here. Wait, what? Yeah, did you know that we pay in San Diego County a sunshine tax? Well, I mean, it's one of the things. Everything's so much more expensive here because it's beautiful. That's what it means. Yeah. That's what it means. It's not an actual tax. And I had a little mini freak out in the garage Saturday morning of why do I pay so much to live? You always freak out about weather? Yes. Pouring rain. Go home for the weekend. Oh, I know. Well, today it will be mostly sunny. Tomorrow, the same. Wednesday, they're saying a few showers on Wednesday. Thursday, partly cloudy. Friday, sunny. Saturday, partly cloudy all weekend. And then next week it looks like some more showers. What are we looking at, temperatures? 62 today, 63 tomorrow, 64 Wednesday with the showers. It's cold. Yeah, in the 60s. This weekend, 70s, low 70s. How about embrace it? Go up to the mountains. That's what I did. Oh, boy. Four feet of snow, sledding, snowballs, love and life. It was great. Well, look at you just taking advantage of the snow. I'm just saying. I was going to. We thought about it. Oh, that's great. But we want to. For a minute. We're going to bring the baby out there. Lauren posted these idyllic pictures of her and her boyfriend, Matt Commerce, BFMC. I have more. I have more of like.
Things that went wrong. We bought a sled up there for 20 bucks. It was like a piece of plastic. On the last run, Matt was like, all right, ready? One, two. And over a rock, the thing exploded into like three pieces. Oh, my. Yes. I laughed really hard. Yeah, instead of helping him. He was clearly injured. There was another family, a father with his two kids. And we were all like in it together. So we were like, ready? One. And he was like, oh, my God. Are you okay? About Matt. He said for her boyfriend. I was like, my stomach. Oh, this is the best. He had so much snow in his hair. It looked like he had gray hair. It's fantastic. Fantastic. Hey, so, you know, Charlie Sheen, we were talking about this. Woodsy and I were saying off the air. Charlie Sheen appears to be gone. Yes. Yes, he does. Bye-bye. Like he appears to be gone. Like he's no longer there. And he's going to be on. He's doing like a media blitz. Apparently doesn't have a publicist or a friend or friend. Either that or they everybody's just they've tried so many times. But he is as ill of a person as I've ever heard. Yes. And.
He's been railing against the program of AA. He's been railing against the producers of Two and a Half Men. He's just, he sounds so out of it. And he's going to be on both Good Morning America and the Today Show this morning, which we'll go to live when it happens. No matter what we're doing, we'll get to it. 2020 is doing a special on him tomorrow, and they've been showing preview clips of it. And there's one clip that they keep playing over and over again of Charlie Sheen just sounding crazy and saying, I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. Have you seen that? Here's the promo. Charlie Sheen. I have one speed. I have one gear. Go. This Tuesday night on ABC. And I dare you to keep up with me. He finally sits down for his first television interview since all the controversy. Yeah, I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. And takes you inside his private world. There's some wrongs to be righted. And there's some stories to tell that people need to hear my side of it. The exclusive first look breaks on Good Morning America. Then Tuesday night at 10, 9 central. The ABC News special. Charlie Sheen in his own words on ABC. I love how they name it. Charlie Sheen.
In his own words. Very original title, too. Well, it's just so strange, you know. He has clearly flown over the cuckoo's nest. And anyway, we'll get more into it. One thing that's really surprising is earlier in the week he said that he would take a drug test anytime. And so one of the gossip sites gave him a drug test on Friday and he passed clean. Nothing in it? Nothing in it. Which concerns me even more. I know. That he talks like that and he's clean. Yeah. It's called white knuckle in it. Have you heard about the eight-year-old that got arrested for the fifth time? Wow. We'll tell you about that. And we'll also play you what maybe a call home might have sounded like when he was in the big house. Plus, all the stuff that happened over the weekend. 570-1949 is our number. And 949Mikey at gmail.com is our text. Garrett.
Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Garrett's our program director. Garrett. So we're going to do the lyrical chairs. We'll do lyrical chairs at 730. And we're combining with that convenience store challenge. So three of us will be eating something disgusting from a convenience store. I'm not talking about Slim Jims. No, you're not. I'm talking about vinegarized pickled meat. What, you monster? I am so excited. I can't wait. 10 o'clock is... I know I'm going to be eating it. Sometime between now and 10, we will... I will say the word flauta.
And when I say the word flout, they'll be calling her nine. You get a pair of sunglasses and a pair of tickets to G11 special sauce. Oh, boy, that was me. What was that? I drink water. You just gargled back up. You just gargled. Let's crawl. There was an eight-year-old that was just arrested for the fifth time. Yes, this is a kid in Florida. Basically, he just got in a fight with another student in his class, his elementary school, left the classroom, left campus. One of the school employees was following him. He turned around, grabbed wooden sticks, started throwing them at the employee. And this is obviously the fifth time that he's gotten in trouble at school fighting with other. school employees, and he was charged with battery on a school employee, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and disruption of an educational institute. He's eight. Educational Institute, yeah. He's eight. Eight years old. This is what the call from jail managed to sound like. I need a ride. You're in jail? Dear. The boy's in jail again. The boy is in jail, our son. Hey, maybe I have one phone call and you don't talk to mom the whole time. I need you to come pick me up. He wants us to come pick him up. You know what?
I'm reading. Wow. Your mother's reading. Great. I need somebody to come down and pick me up. Why are you in jail? You're eight. Well, I got in a fight, and then I threw a piece of galvanized pipe at Tommy Cicciarelli. He threw a piece of galvanized pipe at Tommy Cicciarelli. Are you guys just going to visit the whole time? No. When I'm on the phone, I have one phone call I don't have all day to chat with you. I need you to come pick me up, like, ASAP. He wants us to go get him right now. What? I can barely hear you. Go ahead! I think we can, but it's not going to be right now. Well, why not? I'm sitting here in jail. Fifth time this month. This is ridiculous. You shouldn't be doing that. Fair enough.
Those things don't get in any more trouble. You're in a jail cell. They don't even take you to the little kid jail now. They take you to the big person jail. No, I'm in here with some big dudes. There's a guy in here named Cornelius, and he is not very cool. He took my toilet paper. Hang on a minute. Dear, Jimmy's in the real jail, grown-up people's jail, with a guy named Cornelius who wants to beat him up because... Jimmy took his toilet paper. He took my toilet paper, and then I ran mouth, and he is not pleased. I ran mouth. What? Maybe he's leaving here. That's fine. He's really getting upset. Leave me here. I'll be here with Cornelius. I'll put my head in his lap, and we'll just take a little nap. That's not funny, Jimmy. All right, too much. All right, thanks, Jimmy. Bye. Too much. Maybe Jimmy went too far. Man. Fair enough. I think Jimmy was typecast. That's right. He may have actually made that phone call in the past. Yeah. A few times. That was good practice for you too, Mikey. Yeah. Yeah. It will not be the last call you get like that. Oh, boy. So funny. You know how they tell you that things change with the kids? Look, he's actually been really well behaved. Has he? And this is our favorite line, Rebecca and I. Ryan ever cry? Aw. Love, Ryan.
Love him. Does he ever cry? Does he just cry all the time? Yeah. Rye Rye. You know what his name is? Cry Cry. We call him Cry Cry. You know what? They're going to go through these peaks and valleys where Ryan's just going to look at Luke and be like, crying again. That's not the way it is now. Not me. Used to be. And he had a legitimate reason, Luke. He had problems with his stomach. You know, he had like, he'd fart. Yeah, he'd eat the milk and it would get him. Now he's better. He's happy. He didn't cry about anything. He just eats. He eats. He poops. He didn't have an issue. I think it'll change. Ryan let me hold him. Luke ran away from me. Oh, me too. Ryan ever whine and just cry? He was so sweet when I saw him. You ever whine? Just walk around and just go, eh? You ever just satiate every need he has and he goes, eh? And then he just... Cries for no reason. He's trying to get attention because he knows that you like Luke and Jake better. That's true. That isn't working. He's got to try something. It's not working. Maybe you just take Ryan and you, the two of you, do something together. Oh, wow. What? Play poker? No, go to the park. As soon as I develop a winch to be able to lift him up, I'll do that. Oh. You can't say things like this.
What's the matter with you people? I was joking. Come on. Don't you know a joke when you hear one? I mean, it's a comedy show. You don't make fun of your child. It's a joke for crying out loud. What's the matter with you people? I was joking. Oh, come on. Don't you know a joke when you hear one? Why don't we lighten up a little bit? I mean, we all just a bunch of uptight, sort of uptight. Cross the line. Bulk it up. What's the matter with you people? I was joking. Don't you know a joke when you hear one? Over the top. Say something nice about him. That was like Richard Pryor, dude. Doctor says he's off the scale in terms of weight. Are we still talking about Ryan? Don't we always talk about genetics and stuff? Maybe. I'm sticking up for Ryan. I will be his voice. Maybe Ryan has a little bit of dad's genetics. Maybe you guys should work out together. Yeah. He's a baby. Imagine a baby Stairmaster. Putting him on the baby Stairmaster. Abcruncher. Go to JW Temple's together. Yeah. A baby abcruncher. Baby abcruncher. Jim Bree. Yeah. Meanwhile, Luke looks like he just got out of prison. He has.
pectoral muscles. He does. Yeah, I've seen him running around without a shirt. He has pectoral muscles. He's got real weird strength. He's spiny, sinewy. Yeah. He's got this freakish strength and this is, Ryan, he's just this. How dare you? What do you mean? You must love. What's the matter with you? I guess we can't joke around anymore. No, no. You can joke if you say good and bad about him. He can't stick up for himself. Yeah. He's a sweet guy. He's going to podcast this one day as he's standing in a school tower with a rifle. Oh, wow. He's a sweet kid. He's a sweet kid. He's a sweet kid. He's just, you know, he's going through a stage. I'm podcasting, you monster. He didn't. So I was just a chubby little nothing, huh? Oh, boy. Chubby little nothing, huh, Dad? I'd be like, let me go. Let me go. Is that what I was? Just a chubby little fat kid, huh? Right, let it go. Let it go. He's got your head in the body. Yeah, he's like, he's squeezing my head. My eyes are going to pop out. Oh, no. Talk about it now, right, Dad? Oh.
Oh, no. Oh, boy. That's so funny now, is it, Dad? Maybe it's just med humor. Yeah, it's gone a little too far. Oh, come on. You guys. I just want to love him and hug him. He's so sweet. We just want to nurture him and boost his self-esteem. Let me tell you, Rebecca makes up. For every little joke I make. And she's so funny, too. She's so subtle. She's so subtle, my wife. Saturday mornings, you know, is the time where we're all together as a family. She'll come in and she'll take Ryan and put him up on the bed with me. Never, Luke. Never, Luke. Never hands me Luke. Very subtle message there. Uh-huh. She needs to do things like that. I guess so, huh? She's a good mom. Seems to be just slipping right past you. I go, how you doing, buddy? I love him. Just pat that big, giant bottom. It's the size of a saddle. What's the matter with you? Did you just say you patted his bottom? Do you have to say it was the size of a saddle? Look at Alan. He's dying. Alan's in there laughing so hard. He's like, am I allowed to laugh at you? No, you're not. Hey, boy, set up. Yeah.
Holy cow. He's a sweet angel. You're Richard Pryor today. Men and women are different. Oh, my gosh. Come on. I love it. Shock jocks over here. Really? Oh, my goodness. Apparently, we're just children and we can't even, you know, have a little fun. We love children, you mean. Yeah. I love him. He's just, you know, sometimes he just will get on you with that crying. L.O.B. was at a renaissance fair this weekend and heard. Well, she wasn't at a renaissance. There was a renaissance fair. I walked by. You went to it. You know you did. I did not. She was walking. I wanted to. She walked past a renaissance fair in Palm Springs and heard a squire fart from behind the curtain. Now, I cannot confirm. Hear ye. Hear ye. That's exactly what we were saying. You're like, I throw my vengeance upon thee. All ye who cometh here today are here to find
He probably just thought you couldn't hear it because he was talking so loud. That's right. Sneak it in. What we think happened, the whole perimeter was, because they didn't want people looking in on them. They were in full garb and everything. So the whole perimeter was in gray, made to look like a castle. Yeah. And it had these cloths and little flags and everything. And what Matt and I thought happened was the rest of his squad walked away and he was like, finally. And we were on the other side of the wall. We heard it and I was like, that squire just farted. Yeah. You should have been like, I heard you. Yeah, we should have. That squire just farted. He could have been a night. I don't think you'd say that sentence. That's the line of the year. Has anyone Pepto-Bismol? Any Tums? Has anyone any Tums? Oh my God. For thou art feeling A bit. Rather ill. Bit ill. Oh, my God. Thou art gaseous. If anyone haveth something to cure thine indigestion. Oh, my God. Say something sad. Say something sad. Hurrieth. Oh, no. Oh, then.
Oh, then? Costume change! Costume! Where is my costume? Where is my horse? There it is! Oh, so good. Where art thou bathing instruments? Bathing instruments. Quickly! Wench! Where are you? Wench, bring me my cloth. For thine has touched it. Thine has touched cloth. Hurry before my armor dries this way. Bring me my new armor. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. That will do it for this year's renaissance. Please join us again in 2012. Oh, God. Oh, no.
hear this. This shall conclude the 2011 Renaissance Fair for Vine must get to Palm Springs Regional before sunset. Oh no! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Vine is in a desperate situation. Vine. Vine. Oh, man. Please tell us that story. My stomach hurts. Oh, and then L.O.B. So L.O.B. and BFMC, our boyfriend at Commerce, they go to dinner to have a drink at this bar. And it's this really big place, like really nice, big heated patio and everything. And they go upstairs and they find this very small room that's all off by itself.
And they go in there and the only people in the room are black dudes and heavyset white chicks. You just happened to stumble upon this place? I could hear it. It was calling to me. Yeah, LLB calls it the Temple of Gold. Yeah, it was like bait for her. It was like chum in the water. Lots of booty dropping. I was like, oh boy. You never would have expected that it was up there either. It was night and day from what was downstairs. Downstairs was just like... Yeah. And so you go up there. And what happened? Well, I asked. We walked to the doorway. And we saw what was happening. And Matt goes, hello, man. And I was like, let's go in there. Because, you know, we had already had one margarita. We were feeling kind of loose. And he's like, all right, I'm going to go to the bathroom. So I sat down on one of these, like, little. Guys' laps? No, it was like a vinyl booth. And I was like, oh, I'll just, you know, stay out of harm's way and wait for Matt to come. So about three minutes later.
Matt's walking back from the bathroom as I'm getting a lap dance from a black guy. Oh, wow. Cleaner time. Just any other day. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, boy. It just starts happening. And I'm like, I didn't, I mean, I didn't stop it. It was kind of funny and it was fun. Kind of awesome. Yeah. Do you like how it takes approximately 120 seconds for a black dude to start dancing for L.O.B.? I know. The guy's in the bathroom. Her boyfriend is in the bathroom for two minutes. Two minutes. Well, I was sitting there like a sitting duck by myself, just trying to be all proper. I didn't have a drink. I was just like, this thing right here. So he comes out, and he sees you. And as soon as he... He's demonstrating. It's just, he sees you and he's like, oh boy, with this one. Just sitting there, just all proper legs crossed. Yeah, so he gets in between my legs and is like ass in my face. Can I say that on the air? No, no. He had his butt in your face. Is he dumber? Yeah, you can't, you know. He had his rear end. His rear end, yes. Rear end in my face, doing the thing. And then I'm like.
I'm just like laughing. I'm kind of looking around at everybody. And then I look up and Matt's walking back from the bathroom through the crowd, just shaking his head, looking at me. What did he say when he gets over? He just had a huge smile on his face because he's like, you're a clown. And I was like, shrugging my shoulders like, what? Like, what? What? So, yeah, he gets over to the table and the guy's like, is that your boyfriend? I'm like. Yeah. And then he goes, sorry, man. Throws his hands in the air. Matt's like, oh, I don't care. No, no. He gets finished. So the guy finished. Yeah. He finished? He finished? Like the song? Yeah, the whole song. And then he like, then after the song was over, then he just kind of twisted away and faded off. So you paid him $20 for that? Yeah, she put $20 in his G-string. No, I didn't do anything for it. But he was like, you're unbelievable. I'm like. I didn't ask for it. He's like, all right. Didn't you? So what if you came back and Matt was getting it? Oh. She'd kill him. And he didn't ask for it. I know. I know. Oh, my gosh. Double standard. Yeah. Well, it's not my fault. He's tolerant. It's not my fault. He's tolerant. Yeah. He is. I'm not. Hey, listen.
I think there is a double standard, and I think it's okay. If that were reversed, it would be bad, and the way that it happened is funny. Yeah. It wouldn't be funny the other way around. No. The guy wasn't even, like, he was trying to be funny. He was going over the top and, like, you know, just doing funny moves and, you know. Clowning. He was, like, you know, a couple inches shorter than me, too, and just, like, this little spry little, yeah. Pretty funny. She's like, Mike, it would be like if you were doing it, but if you were a black guy. He was going over the top. He wasn't trying to be sexy. He was trying to be funny. And then he kept doing it when Matt was there. So it's like, we're all getting a good chuckle out of it. It's brilliant. It's great. It's funny. 570-1949 is our number. And you can text us, 949mikey at gmail.com. My mother-in-law just doesn't understand fart humor, but that's a guy thing, you know? And I feel okay about making fart humor because God made farts. They're funny. Yes. They're hysterical. They are. And all guys have a little seven-year-old in us. We're all just grown-up little kids. It's the bottom line. We're all just grown-up little kids. You don't believe me. Just watch guys that are in baseball flip out like they're in Little League. Yeah. I forgot to tell you guys about this.
You know how on Friday Jay got Bieber'd? Yeah. Had to wear the Bieber wig and... Guy liner. Guy liner. Mascara. Well, after we did the first Bieber thing with me, I thought we were done with that bit. I didn't realize we were going to do it again, so I threw away the eye makeup remover. Thanks. And so Jay didn't have anything to take off his makeup with. Again. Again. So we went in the bathroom, he used soap. Didn't work that good. That doesn't work. No. Burned your eyes. Burned my eyes real good. He looked like Adam Ant had been crying. Yeah. And so when the show was over, he kind of forgot about it. Oh, yeah. Talked to our GM. He talked to our marketing director. He talked to our HR director. I was handing out cupcakes. I was walking around handing the extra cupcakes out. Oh, my gosh. Completely forgot he had eyeliner on. No one said anything. Of course not. Yeah, they probably thought you snapped. I thought you were going through something. Yeah, you're going through like a transvestite phase. Some people spent a lot of time with me, too. I'm wondering now. Some people spent a lot of time with you? A lot of time. They just kept wanting to talk. I was like, I got to go, you know? No, don't read it yet. No, hang around. Stay, stay. Come sit on my lap. Just sit. You want to play Name That Tune? Yeah.
I do. 570-1949. Call, pick me, Sienna, Woods, or LLB. And what is the theme, Jay? It's the sun. The theme is the sun? Mm-hmm. All right. What's the prize? Today's prize, we're going to give a pair of G-Love tickets. Oh, nice. 570-1949. Playing in an empty warehouse real good. With empty instruments? No instruments. No, with no instruments? Wearing checkerboard vans. Oh, yeah. Plan to name that tune in just a second. What's going on in news, Sienna? Well, this morning, the National Bureau of Statistics announced that China's population has grown to 1.34 billion people. That's a lot. Yeah, within this last year. Within the last year, they had about 6.3 million new people born.
That's like my family. A lot of people. Also a man named Frank Buckles. He is the last. Can't just make up names. Can't just make up names. It's the true, his true name. He was the last of the U.S. veterans of World War I. He died last week at the age of 110. Wow. He actually lied about his age to get into World War I, and he's lived to be the last surviving veteran. Wow. Yeah, he died in his peace early Sunday. That's sweet. It's sweet he lives so old. What's going on in sports? Well, everybody was a little bit disappointed on Saturday. The San Diego State Aztecs had a huge game against BYU, and I watched it. I watched it. BYU, those wide boys can play. They can play real good. They can play. They beat the Aztecs 80-67 to take over first place in the Mountain West. Jimmer Fredette, you know, played pretty well. He scored 25 points. But, man, those other guys, he was dishing the ball. Those guys hit seven straight threes. 14-24 from behind the arc. It was filthy. And baseball lost a legend yesterday. Duke Snyder passed away. Actually, he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers and is just an absolute legend. Hall of Famer. He died in Escondido at the Valley Vista Convalescent Hospital. Here he is talking about being compared with Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle. And listen to this clip. He sounds like something Jay would say. I don't think that's important. I think, as I said earlier, it's just kind of nice to be.
Be included in that threesome. There you go. Oh. All in. Weird. I was not expecting that. I sniggled to myself. Yes. When I played it. Heck of a eulogy, Woods. Yeah. Rest in peace, dude. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I'm Mike. You'll be missed. That's Woodsy. Guy sitting across from me. Lauren O'Brien. Otherwise known as LLB is to my right. She's something else. She is. Sienna's our news girl. She is 25. Jay is our producer. He turns 427 years old this week. Really nice. And screening phones today is Alan. It's Alan. It's Alan. Let's play Name That Tune. Let's play Name That Tune. Let's see. M1 Andy.
Yeah. Andy, who would you like to represent you? B to represent me. You got it. Yeah, you would. Hang on. M1 Raylio. Who do you want? A kid. You know that. You got it. You got it. Let's see. M1 Lisa, who would you like? I would love to have Tiana. You got her. Getting light. Soda. Oh, my God. And when, Allison, you're stuck with me? Fine with me. She's happy to be stuck with you. You're a sweetheart, Allison. Hang on a line, please. All right. The theme is the sun. Oh, boy. Songs with the word sun in them. Because I was thinking of the sun. Let's do it. Here we go. Woods. The Beatle. Wow. One note. One note. Jeez. Here we go. This is a little tougher. Woods. Mike.
Green Day? Yeah. Damn it. Mike? Want to follow that up? Mm-mm. Very good. Here we go from the beginning. Mikey, I'm going to take a guess. They might be giants. Nicely handled. Got it. Holy smoke. I've never even heard of that. That was my first radio gig. Played They Might Be Giants. They Might Be Giants. Love those guys. Score is Mikey with one, the rest of us zero. Here we go. Sienna! The offspring. Sienna! Sienna! I wasn't confident and then I was at the end. Very confident. Wow. All right, here we go. I think it's just Offspring 2, by the way. Oh, whatever. Woods. Soundgarden. Woods. Audio Slave. Woods 2, the rest of us, you know. I was like, I know he's going to get this one. Dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it. I didn't know where you were going to go with that, but I knew it would mess with you. Here we go. You'll shake like a son of a gun. First you make a gun. Mikey. Mikey. Elvis. Yep.
Oh, Lauren's sick with herself right now. She's sick with herself. What are you doing? You know what I said. She's so sad. Here we go. Woods. Woods. The police. This is a bunch of hogwash. Woods three, Mike one. Here we go. Mikey. Weird. Tiffany. Why do you have to make him feel bad about knowing him? I didn't. The only person that would know would be you. Yeah. I'm shamed. Mikey, Tiffany. I'm shamed. It's okay. You know the answer. Boy, you got that quick. Mikey! Yeah. Mikey. Woods. It's Depeche Mode. Damn it. That's wrong. I know it. I know it. Too late. Well, I can guess again if nobody else. Damn it!
Damn it. Nobody. Woods, Woods, Woods. It's New Order. Yep, it was New Order. Damn it, Woods. Stupid. Here we go. I know the song. I couldn't tell you who it is. The Woods and Mike are tied with two. Are we? Yeah. Yes. Here we go. Mikey. Soak Up the Sun by Sheryl Crow. You guys just cheat and buy time. I know. I'm really slow to go. Me too. Yeah. Here we go. Lauren. Lauren. Beatles. Where are we at, Sienna? Mike three, Lauren one, Woods two. We have two remaining, so they're going to be just worth their normal point range. You're such a D. It's not even funny. Here we go. Woods. The House of the Rising Sun. You'd say the artist. Do I? It's always been title or artist. Yeah, title or artist. Always been title or artist. Okay, well, I should have made it clear. Last time when we played with the...
Word we had to give the artist. Yeah. Feast on it, though. Woods and Mike are tied with three. Who's the artist on that, Jay? Dolly Parton. Oh, weird. She sang that? Bring on the big ones. Last one. Mikey. Wow. Wow. Rage Against the Machine. Good for you. Mikey won. I finally won. Wow. See, it's fun when you play legit without 15 points apiece. Woods ever complain about games? Yes. Because I get hoes every week. This is maybe the fourth one this game. No, you just slipped by with the rule then. No, I didn't. It's always been Tyler Artis. M1 Allison. No, it hasn't. Last week he changed it. Allison, are you there? Thank you. I won for you. Last week it was raining and we had to see the artist. That's right. Good job, Allison. Hang on, Allison. Thank you. Clarification of the rules. No.
I'll make sure I give them to you. Thank you. Because I didn't know there was going to be a whiny baby in the crowd. Didn't you? It's named that tune, isn't it? It's always a whiny baby. One of us. Change your name to Ryan. What's the matter with you? I was joking. I was just joking. That was all. You can't just use your son as an insult. All right. Fine. I'm not going to look at you for one hour. Oh, wow. My goodness. What time is it? That punishment does not fit the crime scene. Yes, it does. I'm standing up for your son, Ryan. I'm really not going to look at you for one hour. That was unbelievable. It's uncalled for. Uncalled for. I think we need dessert. Everybody's upset. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dessert. Dessert. Do we have any? Somebody should bring it. I don't know. How come cupcakes are so great? They are. They're great. They were just fat. Write that down. Back to the Mikey show. You ever just fat? Got buka yesterday. Weird. You just call it food. Yeah. The use. Girl comes outside to the park side thing. Pull up parking. So you don't have to get out of the car? Hi, Mike. Hello, Mike. Hi. What up, M.E.? Yeah. The use.
M-Dog. Some good food, though. Yeah, I put the food in a bowl. I eat like a dog now. Yep. Why wouldn't you put it in a bowl? Let's put it all in a bowl. It's possible. It's like a plate, you know? Oh. Just eat with a spoon. Yeah. Shovel it in. Yeah, but the bowl weighs like eight pounds. Like, it's the same as a calf head. It's family-style dining there, right? Yeah, I eat for the whole family. That's what I was going for. Sorry. You don't eat very much. What? You don't. Oh, I did yesterday. No. You know what you shouldn't do? Eat and nap. Eat, then nap, then get up and eat. That's really bad, yeah. Oh, it's so bad. You like to have a little bit of everything. Yes. But you don't eat any of one thing. You know what I mean? Like you'll get a sandwich with chips and a cookie and you eat little bits of each. He makes love. He makes love to his food. He makes love. I hate that you say that. I don't eat my food any different than any other person. You eat very slow.
I'm proud of you. You make love to it. You don't. You perfect each bite. Yes, you make love to each bite. You do. Woods, Sienna, Woods says that because I'll take my fork and I'll, you know, I put things together, but that doesn't mean I'm making love to it. You make love to it. Doesn't he? He does. He eats systematically. I'm jealous of the way he eats. Me too. Yeah, I mean. I'm not. He's just making love. It's strange because he likes a lot of different stuff around. It's okay. It is okay. He does make love to his food. He makes love to his food. We have a few minutes to eat in the break, and all of us will be like, get it in, and you'll just be like, just making love. He leaves his plate there, and you're the only one that's not tempted by your food when we're on the air. The only one. I'm shoveling Cinnabons in, but I push away from the mic, so it's okay. He does. A plate of eggs. I don't know how that turned into make love to my food. Because you're very passionate. You're very passionate. A lot of different textures and flavors and seasonings. A little bit of a nightmare. You whisper to it first.
Are you ready for this? Are you ready? I'm going to give it to you right now. I'm going to take you down. You're so sweet. Is that cumin? That's cumin. To your guy's defense, to your guy's defense, when my artichoke dip starts to speak, I put my index finger on its mouth and I go, shh, shh. You're about to get it. You don't even know. You're about to get it. You're bad. You're bad. You're a bad dip. You see this piece of sourdough bread? I'm going to dip it right in you. And then I'm going to feast on you. Wow. My stomach hurts. You're so gross when you do that. Don't do that. Don't! He does the shh and then licks his index finger. Don't do that. All the way down. All the way down. It's so disturbing, dude. It is the most disturbing and creepy thing a human can do. Don't do it anymore. Like, James Gum calls, and he's like, don't do that. It's so weird. Who taught you that? I sew people's skin together. That's weird. Ew. That's good. All right.
So you can call about this, 5701-949, or you can text 949mikey at gmail.com. This email says, Mikey, you won't believe what just happened to me. I've been dating my girlfriend for about seven months, and boy, did she just surprise me. We had plans to meet for lunch yesterday, and when she showed up, she had her hands over her face, and I could tell she was smiling. All of a sudden, she yells, surprise, and takes down her hands. She's standing there smiling with a mouth full of braces. Oh, my God. What kind of surprise is that? I had to immediately play it cool. But to be honest, all I kept saying in my head was, No! Really? You aren't going to tell me that you're getting braces? Oh, and by the way, we're both 28. Oh. Oh, wow. I really like this girl, but I'm worried about how to get past the metal in her mouth. Get used to it. Any suggestions? I'm so bummed. M1 Shane. Well, Shane, this is temporary, bro. Yeah. Come off. Kind of sexy. What? What? You got a pair of pigtails? You are terrifying. Why? Because you just said.
Kinda sexy. I'm kind of in on it. Are you? Yeah. Are you in a Pippi Longstock? Does young girls have braces? No. Obviously not just young girls. That girl's 28 and she has them. I'm in. Why is it sexy? I just, I don't know. Takes me back to his childhood. Yeah. My childhood? Hood? Just one word. Childhood. That's a little weird. I'm a gangster. I don't know. Takes me back to his childhood. Childhood? Childhood. Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. I think it's, you know, it's good. Why is it sexy? It doesn't. Why don't you answer the question? I am. If Jamie came home and was like, babe, braces. Why is it sexy? You would come in and be like, you guys, Jamie. I'm not letting you out of it. No, it's fine. Why? I'm going to help him. Is it sexy? No, do not help him. Because it's cute. No. It's cute. He must dig his way out of this. I'm not digging. I don't have to. Hey, we like what we like. Why do you like it? I just think it's cute. Why? Because she's improving herself. He's so lying. You couldn't even get that out. He's smiling and laughing. What are you talking about? I don't have a problem with it. I think it's Foxy. I am. He is speaking the truth. That's what's creepy. He does think it's sexy. I do think it's cute. I think it's because it's a sign of youth. I think so, too. It's associated with youth. I think he wants her to put on a high school cheerleading outfit. Wait a minute. I'm not going to say no. I'll tell you why I don't like it. Because food gets stuck in there. Oh, no.
We're all adults. She can take a mirror. No, we're not. What about your beard? We're children growing up. You get ham in your beard a lot. Yeah, all the time. Mikey just leaned back in his chair like, that's it. Get me out of here. A lot. A lot. Are we just allowed to just say ham? He doesn't get ham. Maybe he'll get a piece of Parmesan cheese or something. Yeah. Taco shell. Maybe like an individual bean. Queso. What if I was like, Woods, you wear bras all the time and don't tell anybody. But it's true. That's not true. I don't get ham stuck in my beard. You have had ham. You one time had something in there. You have. tobacco in your teeth. Fair enough. Right now. Every day. I'm not going to be embarrassed about that because that's me. You have hambeard sometimes. It's okay. The old HB will get you. Trust me, when you have braces. The old HB. Hambeard. Hambeard. We'll get you. Hambeard. Hambone. That's why we call you Hambone. That's where that started. I didn't know if you knew.
Oh, my gosh. That's why we're like, hey, I'm boning you. I'm boning you. Woodsy, you get that little white spit thing in the corner of your mouth all the time. I don't. And that's why we call you meh. Yeah. Because when you talk, it goes meh. I don't get that. I don't get the spit. We call him cotton corner. Cotton corner. Yeah, the LCC. LCC. C squared's here. CC will get you. No, I don't know. What would you guys think about it? We call him PJ. Poop jeans. Yeah, poop jeans. So what would you guys think if a girl came home, she had braces? I think it's fine. It wouldn't bother me. I would warn him. Yeah, warn him. She should have told him. But what if she told him, don't do that. No, I like your crooked teeth. Don't do it. She obviously was dead set. She's not going to, but I think just a heads up. It's a big move. And just say, look, my orthodontist.
I was at my orthodontist when you were 12. My orthodontist said it's only going to be a year. It's only going to be a year, you know, because he's probably like, hey, you have braces. How long are these going to be on? I know someone had them on for six years. Yeah, the older you get usually. My mom had them in like her early 30s. Yeah. And I guess I was just used to them. Yeah. You know? Are they going to be off by graduation? My sister got hurt back when she was 55. Wow. Wow. That's a little old. Old people with braces is a little weird. Why? That's a little strange. She wanted to straight your teeth back out. That's a little weird, though. Especially when... I just want you pictures of this old lady, you know, with the braces, cigarette. Betty White. Bottle of gin in front of her. You're like, what's... You're 55 now. What do you care? What do you care? There's a middle school... sub that used to come in, and she was about 45 with the braces on. And we'd all be like, easy, metal mouth. So, you know, you give the sub such a hard time as it is, and then she was like, guys? I would want a heads up. What's worse, a 27-year-old guy or a 27-year-old girl? Guy. Guy. All the way, guy. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, because a girl can pull off cute. Yeah. Hard for a dude.
be in a business suit, trying to close deals, and be like, how you doing, man? Rubber bands in his mouth. We're going to buy a new car, huh? Girls can just pull out a mirror and check to make sure there's nothing in it, too. Guys can't really be like, is that a thing in my brace? Would it be weird if she got pink rubber bands? Hopefully she's not going to do that. Yeah, brace is awkward for an adult. It is awkward, but I wouldn't mind. 5701949. They're temporary and it'll look better when they're off. She should have gone Invisalign. Yeah. No, those are worse to me, man. Really? Because you can see them. They say you can't. You can, though. It depends on which one you're looking at. Looks like you got dirty teeth. You're talking about the ones that glue on. There's the ones that are actually little trays that you put on. Yeah. And you walk around wearing a tray? Yeah, you can't even really tell. Can't you? Yeah, Katie Bennett had it over at... KGB back in the day, the salesperson. I don't know why I'm using her name because no one knows her. But, yeah, you couldn't tell at all. And her teeth were a big gap. I bet you could, though. I bet you could tell she was wearing something. But having to really look hard to notice is probably better than the pow. I think it was more pow than it was. Really? Yeah. I had the clear braces. They weren't bad. I was in high school. But they're better than metal.
I like the metal ones better. Because the clear ones get kind of yellowy. Got my braces in Mexico. Weird. You just call it at the dentist. The homeland. Guy kept his tools in a sink. You just call it running errands. In a sink? Yeah. Guy kept his instruments in a sink. Just run hot water over them every now and then? Yes. Yeah. Oh, my God. I had the kind that were the metal band that went all the way around. Oh, me too. Those on all your teeth? Everyone. Oh, my. Yeah, me too. You have a mouth like your back molding normally. Sienna, part of the deal was we had to, and I, you know, I only found this out through my translator. You know, my mom. What do you say? She said that we have to help. How help? With a spoon. Oh, boy. How? Spanish is impeccable. That's great, isn't it? Not one word of Spanish. No. I would sit down, and they would put a spoon on the back of mine, and I had to bite down. Ow, ow, ow. I'm so sorry, Mike. Yeah, you know what? The Geico caveman just went, that's ridiculous.
The Geico caveman just called and he was like, that is so archaic. Makes my butt hurt. Yeah. Hurt so bad. It hurts to just bite on metal as it is. Like if you accidentally bite on your spoon, you're like, oh, but they have to be asked to do it. They'd position the spoon and they would apply pressure while I bit down to move. The tooth. And I would have to do it for 25 seconds. And my mom would notice, the doctor said the gum has to get white. So if it's not white, you're not biting hard enough. Dr. Armando will see you now. Yes, I must just take my instruments out of the toilet. And then we will begin. Oh, Mike. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Unfortunately. I'm so sorry, dude. It really explains a lot. Yeah. But I'm so sorry. It's a bit of an unfortunate story, but many kids got their braces in Mexico. Sienna, did you? No, I didn't. Back in the mid-70s. Your teeth are straight, though. Isn't that great? It worked. Then we moved, and we couldn't go to the Mexican one anymore, so we had to go to the regular orthodontist. That guy had tuna breath.
This is getting worse. He had a big, bushy Tom Selleck mustache. And dude enjoyed the number 24. With chips. That's so horrifying. With chips. It's disgusting. So he would come in and he'd be like right in your face with that big, white, bright light. How are you doing? What would you do? We can't do anything. Hold your breath. My mouth is filling. You hold your breath. You're trying to ruin our day. They're almost done. Oh, man. Hey, is it possible measles are making a comeback? Because I have four airports that have been exposed to the measles. Is San Diego one of them? And when we come back, we're going to be playing Lyrical Chairs, so we need you to call us now, 570-1949, and pick either me, or Sienna, or Woods, or L.O.B., or Jay. Jay gets to play, too. No! The winner does not have to take part in Convenience Store Challenge. Oh, my God. But the rest of us do. Oh, my God! Oh, yeah.
I love it. Port of the day is flout, though. When you hear me say that between now and 10 o'clock, caller number nine gets a pair of sunglasses. G-Love and special sauce tickets. I don't say that. Never mind. You say rolled taco. All right. An M1 is a Mikey Show listener, so you don't have to register to be an M1. If you listen to the Mikey Show... You're a big fan of The Mikey Show, and you're turning other people on to The Mikey Show. You're a part of M1 Nation. The Charlie Sheen stuff is coming up live on NBC. Just a second. We're going to give you some of that. All right, so is it possible that measles are back? Four airports have reported it. Where are they, Sienna? Well, first of all, let me tell you that it was... From one woman from New Mexico. She's 27 years old. She arrived at the Washington Airport, International Airport. Dulles Airport? Dulles. Dulles Airport. From London on February 20th. Then two days later, she flew to BWI Thurgood Marshall Airport near Baltimore to Denver. Then on to Albuquerque. So she's been to these four airports with the measles. And now the airlines are notifying anyone who sat near her on the flight. What airline?
Did they say? No, it doesn't say. I wonder if she gave it to anybody. It says workers at U.S. airports are being warned anyone that was on those flights. I'm sure they were different airlines. Maybe she didn't give it to anybody. Because she was on different flights different days. Maybe you don't get on a flight with measles. Maybe she didn't know. Maybe you don't get on four with measles. Maybe she didn't know. I hope she didn't know. Yeah, maybe she didn't know. She didn't know what it was, you know? Measles are like chicken pox looking? I think so. Really, really contagious. Perfect. I think I have them. So, I mean, there could have been pregnant women on that flight, kids that don't have the vaccines and their immune systems are not as strong. Oh, boy. I mean, they're notifying all these people that were near her and workers. Anyone is being warned about this. Anyone that sat on the plane after her. Sure. 87 hours. All right. Got to find out if people can hold because I want to do the Charlie Sheen stuff because it's coming on. Let's see. M1 Ninja, can you wait or no? I can wait, yes. Okay, hang on. M1 Meter Reader, can you wait? Sure thing. All right, hang on. M1 Trish, can you wait? Yes, I can. Okay. M1 Kendall, can you wait? Yes. All right. And finally, M1 Frankie, can you wait? Yes.
All right, hang on the line. And Cross! Hey. Can you wait? I can only wait. All right, hang on. Yeah, you're right, you can. Chris, you sound different on the radio. All right, let's see what this says. It's a today show. Hi, good morning, Meredith, once again to you. This was a candid conversation, as Matt mentioned. Charlie Sheen did not hold back at all, opening up about his drug use, his kids, violence, depression, and also his new war with CBS network executives who he claims are trying to destroy his family. Before we do that, did he just go to the Bahamas or something? Yeah, he was in the Bahamas. He came back on Friday. Did he take porn stars with him? You know that. He's not going to go alone. Because I heard that that was the deal. I read that. The first question America wants to know, are you clean right now? Look at me. Duh. Drug tests don't lie. When was the last time you did drugs? Don't remember. Don't care. Drug tests don't lie. Scoreboard doesn't lie.
He took a drug test Friday? Yeah, when he came back from the Bahamas, he told news and all these people he was going to take a drug test to prove that he's sober and came back, took the drug test on Friday, showed up perfectly clean. He doesn't sound normal, though. No, not at all. You've cured yourself of addiction. You don't get Alcoholics Anonymous. How have you done that? I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind. I had to unload 22 years of fiction. And I just decided that I don't believe that anymore, and I know my own truth, and that's what I stand on right now. What kind of fiction? The fiction of AA. It's a silly book written by a broken-down fool who was a plagiarist. They think it's a one-size-fits-all, but it didn't fit me, and I just got tired of subscribing to something with a 5% success rate. As a retired gambler, I need better odds than that, you know? You know, it almost seems like he's the poster boy. right now for everything that you shouldn't buy. In other words, he says Pepsi, I'd go Coke. 100%. He went Coke. That was the problem. That was the problem. He looks very skinny. He looks terrible. Ashy, dark eyes. Did you turn to alcohol and other substances because you were bored? No, I did that because they work. Work to do what? Just change the way you see things. Change the way you feel.
And, yeah, when you're a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that's why people do them. Did you feel out of control a month or two ago? Do you feel more in control now? Well, of course, yeah, but I don't know if I'd call it out of control. Just the choices I was making were not leading to the results that I wanted. You know, the other interesting observation about all of Charlie Sheen's interviews right now are there's nothing calm about the demeanor. So, in other words, There's nothing about his demeanor or attitude that says, you can ask anything you want. It's all next, next, next, next. Jittery. So I woke up and said, dude, you're 45 with five kids. Let's do something different because this thing is boring. I got bored is what happened. Yeah. You've been to rehab before. This time you did in-home rehab. First of all, what is that? And why did it work, you think, this time for you? Well, we couldn't really call it rehab because we didn't have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge. You labeled your house the Sober Valley Lodge? Well, yeah, that's what it became. So what happened? We wouldn't allow AA to be a part of it. We wouldn't allow AA to contaminate Sober Valley Lodge, and as a result, its primary client achieved radical success. Sounds that way. You're looking good.
Yeah. You sound great. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. You're not aggro at all. You're very calm. Very calm. And you seem just put together, which is the good part. It appears that people should be clamoring to get into Silver Valley Lodge. Sober Valley Lodge. Little kids should be looking up to you. That's how good you're doing right now. Even if Charlie Sheen is clean, damage has been done. Why do news people have to talk like this? Damage at the Plaza Hotel in New York City when in October he allegedly went on a drunken rampage against a porn star inside his room. His kids were right down the hall. And the conviction for assault in Colorado in 2009. Police say he held a knife to the throat of his now estranged wife, Brooke Mueller. The judge ordered sheen to rehab. People have said you're a violent person toward women. What do you say to that? They don't know me. And the same people talking about those incidents weren't. I don't have to know you to know that you put a knife to somebody. Yeah. What do I have to know about you? Right. So how much can they really discuss a situation they were not involved with, you know, at that point? Again, Charlie. Oh, please. Oh, I wish I could interview Charlie. But it doesn't matter because he's not okay. And he was convicted. Yeah. I wish he could stop going on these news things. I wonder if he's fired as publicist.
Because I was thinking, why would a publicist let him go on TV? Maybe he doesn't have one. I mean, he wants to be everywhere. Clearly, he's on two different shows this morning. Or he hired a publicist that's telling him what he wants to hear. Yeah. Yeah, go on this. Just the gibberish of fools. You told me you want to rededicate yourself now to your kids, to being a dad. Sure. Are you on back? Sure. Denise Richards ain't looking so, you know, strange now. Right. She's the normal one. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would be, if I'm Denise Richards, I'd say, no way. She's very foxy, by the way. Just throwing that in there. That's pertinent. Paris, that your children will read about this one day? God, no. It's talking about an education. And they're like, this, and then that's the guy, and he's our dad, and we can get all the answers and the truth. Wow, winning is how you perceive it. Alan, listen to me.
Until last month, Sheen was winning as the highest paid actor in TV. Are you insane? Making nearly $2 million an episode on the hit sitcom Two and a Half Men. A lot of dough. An episode? Day's work. CBS halted production demanding Charlie clean up his act. That's when Sheen went on a rampage on the radio. You sound like Thomas Jefferson. Well, I'm not Thomas Jefferson. No, but I dare anyone to debate me on things. It sounds that way. I feel bad for him. Is that what curing your brain and mind sound like? You've called into a lot of radio shows in the past couple of weeks, and we've all heard the tapes by now. Yes. Pretty passionate. Pretty passionate stuff. Some would say angry. Some would say spiraling. Passionate. I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes. You know, a lot of angry people with a lot of anger issues say they're passionate. Yes.
And I don't think people were ready. You ever heard that, by the way, if you're listening right now? If you're a chick or if you're a guy and you're a chick or a guy that has had anger issues and people have said to you, you have anger issues. Have you ever said, I'm just passionate. I know you're asking me. Yes, I am. I wasn't asking you. I will volunteer that info. I will, too. You're not angry, Woods. You are passionate. Yes, I have said that. I have, too. I've said it's when you're yelling. Yeah. Sorry, I'm passionate about this donut. Nobody is more passionate about donuts than me. And someone says to you, and by someone, I mean, you're my wife. Yes, or my wife. Says to you, you're screaming. I'm passionate. Okay, you're passionately screaming. For the message that I'm delivering. And delivering with a sense of violent love. A sense of violent love. It's passionate.
Soon turned to hatred aimed directly at the show's co-creator, Chuck Lorre. It's his fault. Nothing mistook this rock for his own selfish hand in the pure gold. You've been called an anti-Semite. I know, it's ridiculous. Mark Berg, my manager, Jeff Rossum, my interviewer. I mean, no, I've never had that in my past. You can look as deep and as far as you want, and it's just not there because I'm not that guy. No, that's silliness. CBS didn't see the humor and canceled the entire rest of the season. You've told me you're at war with them now. Well, we're definitely at war, yeah. What's the war? Well, the war is that they're trying to destroy my family. And so... Well, yeah, but aren't you trying to do that too? You did a pretty good job of yourself. I didn't do anything wrong. I take great umbrage with that. And defeat is not an option.
They picked a fight with a warlock. How are they trying to destroy your family? They're trying to take all my money. Isolate. They picked a fight with a warlock. Absolutely. For all those times that we'll... Anytime Woods. Anytime warlocks. It's like, we're playing a game and he says, no, the rules to name that tune are this. They picked a fight with a warlock. They picked a fight with a warlock. Okay, isolate. Leave me with no means to support my family. It's not rocket science. How do you plan on winning that war? With zeal and focus and violent hatred. Sounds like Sober Camp. Valley. Sober Valley Lodge. Sober Valley Lodge is just knocking them out of the park. You either love or you hate. You live in the middle. I want to shoot you if you live in the middle. I'm going to slice your throat.
Didn't CBS have a right to shut your show down? They're reading about you partying at all hours of the night, taking drugs, abusing alcohol. It's their show. Epic. Epic behavior. Does he mean epic behavior like it's pretty awesome? Yeah, that's exactly what he means. I think he also means like, oh, so sue me. This goes down in, whoa, no one's ever done that before. That could be it. No, because... After reading about that, then they observe the guy hitting every mark, nailing every line, every joke. What's your strategy? With a full house, screaming. Ever miss a day of work? Um, not a day that cost anybody any money. So yes, I have. Multiple. Yeah. I missed practice. We're talking about practice. To quote the great Allen Iverson. Practice. Come on, guys. We're talking about practice. He's lost his mind. Whenever you're calling Allen Iverson the great Allen Iverson, there's a problem. Not only that, but, I mean, okay, Charlie, this would have been my next question. Charlie, you can teach your kids that? Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre haven't spoken since the shutdown, but in our interview, Sheen wanted to address Chuck directly. If Chuck Lorre is watching right now, I imagine he probably is. He should be. What do you want to say to him? It's funny you'd ask. I actually have my questions right here. Because Chuck is the...
He just pulled out like a sheet of paper. Only man in the known universe who can answer these. People are begging for an answer to these questions. Chuck, number one, why is it when I was ready to return to work, you told me there are no scripts ready to shoot? So obviously begs the second part of the question. What would we have shot had you not ordered the suits into my home to shut down my party? It seems like he didn't write any scripts to even shoot a show. I can't speak for him. I'm just putting these out there because I think they're... Now, Charlie... Do you think that there's anybody that's watching this going, ah, you got him there. You got him. You must be sober and of clear mind. They warrant an explanation. Clearly, he didn't bring gum for everyone. Okay, number two. And why is it you issued a decree informing me that the remaining eight shows of season eight had been reduced down to four?
I don't recall getting a vote on this, by the way, stating as well that season eight, our highest rated season to date, most shows are in decline by then and headed toward Will and Graceville, was suddenly to halt production two weeks earlier than scheduled. You're the only man that can answer this. Got to remind these people. He's flipping through note cards. Oh, boy. I don't get it. Tough to watch. I don't get it. Number three, when you were told that the crew would suffer gravely as a result of your dictatorial laziness, Would you please explain what you meant by your statement? Quote, they are not my problem. End quote. I'm sure there's like 120 some odd people that would love to hear the answer to that. Then Sheen pulled out the Alcoholics Anonymous handbook and took another swipe at Lori and AA. Right out of here, Chuck. So if this is in fact your handbook for living, I direct your attention.
to page 417. You know what's going on. Me too. Oh my God. I can't. It's unprecedented, right? It's unprecedented. It's unprecedented. Like nothing has ever, we've never seen anything like this with a celebrity. This is like watching a T-Rex being born, okay? Seriously. You're like, I can't believe I'm here. You're like, that egg is hatching open and I'll be gosh darn if I'm free. And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to me. And I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation. Charlie, you realize you're talking about you. Yes. You're talking about you. Like, you're reading this description, which, by the way, is a perfect example of what I've mentioned before. It's so much easier to hold a flashlight than it is to hold a mirror. Or a floodlight in his case. A floodlight. Holy cow. Because he's reading this like, hope you're listening here, pal. And he looks. When he says person, he glares in the camera like Manson. Right.
It's like, hey, Charlie, you know, you realize this applies to you. Lunatic. As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Accept me, Chuck. Charlie Sheen seems confident he'll stay sober without the written guidelines of AA. But it's never come easy. Not for him. A lot of your fans have been worried about you. Worried about your health. They can worry all they want. Are you going to be? Are you going to die? That's for amateurs. Come on. No, I'm fine. I've always had a plan. I've always executed it perfectly. Sometimes I overshoot the mark, whatever. How do you avoid slipping back into that again? I don't know. I just won't do it. I will not believe that if I do something, then I have to follow a certain path because it was written. And it was written for normal people. People that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Strong people have... He's referring to himself as having tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Wow. Relapsed. Strong people have started using again. Fools. Fools. Trolls. But dude.
Didn't you relapse a million times? I'm not talking about me, Mike. I'm talking about other people. People that don't have Adonis blood. I have Adonis blood. So would you be a troll and a fool because of your relapsing? No, because I'm special. I have tiger's blood and Adonis blood. We tested your blood. It's tiger's blood. All right. I hate to break this to you. I'm opening a vanilla envelope. The results of your blood test are in. Tiger's blood, right? Human. Tiger's blood. This piece of paper only has two words on it. Mike, tell them about the DNA. All right. It's Adonis DNA. We tested your DNA. It's the same as Adonis. It's Adonis. Two words on this piece of paper. Human DNA. No, it isn't. This test isn't wrong. You are a troll. Okay. Now that is true, but that doesn't mean. You're not special like me. Defeated. They allowed defeat to be an option. I will not. I'm not saying, you know. I'm not saying I'll never have a glass of champagne again or a glass of wine. The old justification. Just one glass. The old just one glass. You know what you do? You dig yourself in such a hole by saying, you know, I've beaten it. I've beaten it. But there may come in time. I'm not perfect. It's be different, not be perfect. And so does that mean, Charlie, that if you get arrested again, it's because...
Hey, listen, I'm like everybody else. I get arrested 80 times. I make mistakes. Yeah. I'm not hurt. Things that you celebrate with. I'm no interest in cocaine. What's next for you? How do you convince a producer of a movie, of a TV show in this town to take you back on their set after basically being let go from the sitcom on CBS? Well, I mean, first of all, come Wednesday morning, they're going to rename it Charlie Brothers and not Warner Brothers. Duh. When? And it's not. He said, duh, winning. That's his new bit. I've heard it the whole time. Duh. Winning is his new bit. He doesn't blink. He's making a lot of sports references, and he's wearing his Indians jersey, not in this interview, but around. Yeah. I think he might see himself as some sort of, like, super athlete. Scoreboard doesn't lie. Yeah, he said scoreboard, Iverson, winning. It seems like he's gone, right? Yeah, he's like so far gone. He had all those people, those celebrities over to watch a screening of Major League. His movie. Yeah, his movie where he plays a baseball player. Oh, God. He's something else. He is. All right, we will do Lyrical Chair Convenience Store Challenge. When we come back, we've got grass. And all these fine folks on the line, they're going to be picking me, Jay, Sienna, Woods, and L.O.B. It's next. And the loser has to eat some.
Losers. Losers. That means it's bad. It's bad. Sienna. Sienna. If Woods just said it's bad, it's bad. It's probably unimaginable for us. Okay. We're going to get right to it. We're getting right to it. We're going to play lyrical chairs. Chris is on the line. He's been waiting for us very patiently. Chris, are you there? In just a moment. Hello. In just a moment, Chris is going to give us whatever the word is. And then we will have to sing a real song with that word in it. And if we cannot, we're out. If we're out, we have to choose from one of the boxes and take the convenience store challenge. The punishment is too big. It's too big. It's too big. Call it off. Call it off.
The only person that does not have to do the convenience store challenge is the winner of the game. The last person standing. Now, Woods, one of the items is okay to eat, right? Correct. But the other three items? Gnarly. I know what one of them was. One of them was pickled meat. Ew. Tijuana sausage. Tijuana mama. Wait till I read you what the outside of the packaging says. It'll make you sick. Oh, hey, and I'll tell you something right now. That's not even close to the worst thing. You're a monster.
You know you might have to eat it, too. I know. I am so nervous right now. It's not even close to the worst thing. Hang on, Chris, okay? My mouth just started to water. M1 Ninja, who do you want to represent you? I'll take what? Okay, hang on. M1 Meter Reader, who do you want to represent you? Don't panic, Mikey. Okay. M1 Trish, who do you want to represent you? L.O.B. You got it? M1 Kendall, who do you want to represent you? M1. M1 Frankie from Encinitas. Who do you want? You got it. I'm about to let down a child. No, don't. She's probably 40. Think positively. I'm having a panic attack. When we start this thing, we must just sing a song with that word in it. With its pacing. I am so nervous. This is the worst one we've ever done. My mind has gone blank. I can't think of anything. I don't even know my name. Now, we switch off the starter. No, we switch off the starter. The starter always switches, so it's fair. So who starts this time? I started last time. You did? So then Jay. Jay starts. Which way are we moving? We'll go clockwise. Jay, Woods, Lauren, Mike, Sienna. I'm so messed up. This is going to be horrible. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. All right.
Chris, and as soon as Chris says the word, you begin, Jay. Chris, what's the word? The word is in the number one on individual. Go. One is the loneliest. We're one, but we're not the same. You're the one that I want. You are the one I want. I'm the one, the one I need, the one I need to. I'm out. One, you're like a dream come true. One natural. That was mine, too. BS. He gets it. He went out of turn. I'm the one natural one coming easy. One time. You're out. Hit me, baby, one more time. Sienna. One on one. I want to play that game. What? Holy cow.
Holy cow. Thank you, Chris. Thank you, Chris. Thank you. Let's see. M1 Frankie, you there? Yes. Jay Bird did it, dude. Hang on the line. Okay. Percentage of chance Jay called Chris was like, listen to me, you little SOB. I'm going to slit you damn throat. I will fire you unless you give me that word. Jay was on his computer the whole time. I was not on my computer at all. You're a liar. Jake, he's pulling out his shirt. He's done something wrong. He doesn't have to participate. That means the four of us do command out the boxes. Oh, boy. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. We're going to have a box in front of us, and we have to take a bite of whatever's in those boxes. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, my gosh. Hey, Jay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We get to pick the box. No, we don't. What's in the box? Switch them all around. Oh, no, no, Jay. That's fine. He's doing fine. All right. All right. Yeah, you got to stretch them all out. Oh, my God. Hey, this. That's good. That's good. That's good. I'm mad at you. I'm mad at you already. Okay, there's one good thing in there, right? There's one of us has something okay to eat. Oh, please let this be it. Please let this be it. Please let this be it. Please let this be the good thing. Please.
Okay, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Not yet. Not yet. One at a time. One at a time. One at a time. Look it. Lauren's shaking. Lauren's shaking. I'm shaking. I know what I have. Okay. And listen, hold on. You know what you have? I think it's what you said. Hold on. Don't take pictures like paparazzi, Jay. Hold on. If Lauren gets that sausage, somebody's got to switch with her. Yeah. We got it. She doesn't eat meat. Fine. Happy birthday. Here we go. We'll have to pick a name to switch or something. Okay. I'm going to start. I'm going to start. Sienna! Sienna! You just said it. It wasn't a rule. I'm starting. Wait. We go one at a time. One at a time. Here we go. Oh, gross. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. What is that? What is that? What is that? What is it? Mikey. These seriously make me gross out. Not the worst thing? What is it? It's saladitos con chile. It's dried, salted plums with chili. Now, I know there's a lot of Mexicans out there that are like, there's nothing wrong with that. These are, I hate chili. I don't like chili powder. It grosses me out. Maybe if I get meat, you can switch them. They look like turds. M1Liz one time gave me one of these.
And when she wasn't looking, I spit it into my napkin and threw it away. It's disgusting. Go ahead, Sienna. What do you have? Sienna got the sausage. You got the sausage. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. I'm going to read to people what this says. It is Tijuana Mama. Pickled sausage. Listen to the ingredients, please. Just one bite, right? Yeah, one bite. But it's got to be a healthy bite, all right? No nibble. No nibble. Why do you want me to get sick? Hang on. Why do you hate me? Sienna, listen to this. These are the ingredients. Strap yourself in. Please, no! No! Ew, there's a bubble in it. Mechanically separated chicken. I have a baby! The first ingredient is mechanically separated chicken. Why didn't they just put chicken? Pork flavoring. Soy protein concentrate. At least it's not real pork. You monster. I'm saying. You monster. No, I'm saying. It's worse. Is it? Yes. Please hurry. I'm freaking out. It's chemically developed pork flavor.
Here you go. Look at Sienna. Sienna looks like she's going to cry. Sienna looks like... I'm opening mine. Go ahead. Go ahead. Open it. Open it. Open it. Whatever's left is... The worst one is still there. Yeah! Twix, baby! Twix! L.O.B. is going to die. Is it vegetarian? Yes. Well, she eats fish. Oh, no. Oh, no. L.O.B. just slow blinked you. She just slow blinked you. Why do you see this? How weird that Woods picked these and he got the twitch. I got the twitch. Did you see him grabbing at the box? I did not. I gave you a choice. I let you pick first. Oh, God. Brace yourself. Oh, my God. Fish? How do you get fish? Brace yourself. What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?
Brace yourself. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Oh, she just threw the box. She threw the box. She threw the box. Are you ready for this? That can't be true. That can't be real. Oh, my gosh. It says. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. It says California snacks. Jumbo. Jumbo shrimp. Oh, my God. It is. Oh, my gosh. This is the foulest thing I've ever seen. I told you, dude. I told you. It is dried. Oh, gosh. It is dried, like dehydrated. Plump. Plump. They look like. You know what the eyes look like, Woods? They look like. You know what they look like? They look like.
Pepper, like before it's been ground. Yeah, like peppercorns. They look like peppercorns. All right. Who starts? Who starts? Woods, enjoy your Twix. Wait till you hear this, because it's going to make a noise when she crunches it. Woods is just eating peanut butter Twix. How dare you? I wish I didn't know you. How dare you? Oh, my God. It's peanut butter Twix. Hello, B. Let me tell you something. I feel for you. I feel for you. I feel for you. Oh, my God. All right. Should I go next? Yeah. You have something that's normal. Are those normal? Yes. Oh, Mike's being really dramatic. He's like, oh, my gosh, I just ate a chip. Lauren and I. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's crying. It's so gross. This is gross. I just smelled my pickled sausage. Please, Mike. Eat it, Mike. Please. Eat it, Mike. Please. Are we going to roll that away? Why? Is it a pit? If you're eating half of one of those, that's my bite. That's a pit. It's a pit? You could probably eat another one. You have a plum. I have a fish. I have a Tijuana Mama pickled sausage. You couldn't offer me $100 to eat another one of those. It's so gross.
Okay, let me just get this over with. What if I throw up? Oh, my gosh. What if I throw up? I need a bucket. Oh, my God. Here she goes. She's going to do it. A pickled sausage. Tijuana mama. I might throw up. Let me tell you. I'd have slayed that pickled meat over these. Oh, please. I'm not kidding you. I'm not kidding you. Those are horrible. Dude, those are disgusting. Those are horrible. I've never tasted anything. Here she goes. She smelled it. Oh, gosh. It's vinegarized. Bite that top off. It's pickled. Bite the top. Come on. Get in there. No, no. A little more. I can't eat that. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, she just tasted it. You have to eat it. I can't. Oh, my gosh. You got to eat it. You got to eat it. You got to eat it. You got to eat it. You got to eat it. You got to eat it. This is the greatest. This is the greatest bit ever, ever, ever. I'm mad at Liz. I'm so mad. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Fine. I'll eat my other Twix. Oh, my gosh. That's too big. I have to go smaller. If this is going in my mouth, you perverts, shut up. Jay, stop taking so many pictures. Can I videotape? Oh, Sienna. More. You didn't even bite it. A little more. A little more.
No, a little more than that. Oh, my God. Okay, chew it. Oh, gosh. She's holding her nose. She's holding her nose. Oh, gosh. She can still taste it through holding her nose. She's gagging. I'm going to pull up. No, you're not. Oh, no, she's not. She's doing it out. She's still got it in her mouth. Cheater. She's chewing it. I saw it in her mouth. She's chewing it. She's chewing it. She did it. She did it. Oh, oh, she's switching. She thinks she... Oh, gosh. She just violently threw that. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. She's now drinking coffee to get it down. It's water. I can't let go. I need something good. I need something good. I don't know. You want some coffee? I need to eat this chip. I'm legitimately mad at Woods. Let me tell you something. I'm, like, really mad.
You just smelled the bag. Oh, gosh. I'm not sure how you're supposed to eat these. You just popped the whole thing in your mouth. No, because they have shells on them. My gosh. L.O.B. Oh, my God. You are about to earn my utmost respect, and you are going to earn your stripes. I'm not talking to Woods for the rest of the show. You're getting made today. That stinks. Yeah, you're going to be a made man. They stink. I'm not talking to you in restaurants. They're so bad. They stink so bad. That is the filthiest. They have legs. They have eyes. They have eyes, legs. They are dehydrated, hard, plump. Are you supposed to de-shell them? No. No, you just bite. Are you sure? Who on earth consumes that? I want to know if you're really supposed to de-shell these. You're supposed to bite it. Just bite into it. You know, L.O.B., I can't even help you because I don't know. Because in a restaurant, you don't eat the shell.
Right, but these are dehydrated. So what's that mean? It means you just bite them. You just eat it. She's picking it up with a piece of paper like it's a cockroach. It kind of looks and has a consistency of a cockroach. Oh, my gosh. She's shaking. She's shaking. Yeah, she should be. She's going for the tail. Yeah, obviously the tail. She's ignoring the head. Oh, wow, L.O.B. You are a strong woman. Here she goes. You're a strong woman. Here she goes. She's closing her eyes. Here she goes. It's going up to the mouth. Oh. She can't do it. Here she goes. Oh, my gosh. She looks up. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. She's incredible. She is powering it. Oh, gosh. She's now taking it. She's taking it in coffee. She's taking it in coffee. It helps. Eat it, shit. There she goes. Eat it, shit. Eat it, shit. It will make you think that you had because it's crunchy. I told you. I told you. This is the foulest segment ever done. Who eats that? Ever. Oh. Ever. Woods.
Woods is holding up one of the shoes. Eat it, Woods. Eat it. You bought it. You take a bite. You take a bite. No, don't. He smelled it. Catfish would throw up. Can we get these out of here? We've got to get them out of here, dude. They stink to high heaven. My tongue is, like, spicy right now. It's on fire. I need a chip to wash that Twix down with. I'll tell you what. Listen, I would have eaten the pickled meat before I eat the Saladitos. But I would not have eaten the shrimp that you ate, L.O.B., before the Saladitos. I thought you were crazy, Mikey. I tried yours. Oh, my God. They're like chili. Disgusting. I don't even eat meat. I would have rather. eating that sausage over this dehydrated eye shrimp. A bug doesn't look as much like a bug as that does. This is an alien. Like, bugs don't look that. Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. Oops. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You know they're good when they cost $1.99 for a bag of dehydrated shrimp. Oh, my God. Chances I save these and hide them places.
Like a pickled egg. Let's do Ask the Dudes. Oh, my gosh. Oh, wait a minute. M1 Oscar. Are you there, Oscar? You eat dehydrated shrimp all the time? Well, not all the time, but every now and then. What I do is I put some chili sauce on it and some lime. Actually, it tastes pretty good, but... I don't like the smell. Oh, dude. Do you want this? We got a bag of them. Yeah, we got a bag of them. Fresh eyes and all. There's an eye floating around the bottom if you want it. Oh, my gosh. You have to take the head off and then the tail, too. She just looked at Woods like, you freaking monster. Because she ate... I ate a tail. Oh, my gosh. Another college weekend. Let's do Ask the Dudes.
The dudes are me, Woods, and Jay. Girls only. You want honest answers to questions? You want to understand the male mind? 570-1949. You call, you could ask anything you want of us. You can even ask us our opinion on, like, what kind of lotions we like, what kind of perfume we like on a girl. What do we like a girl? What do we think? What do guys think about? If a girl does this. High heels. You know, high heels. What do we think about if a girl does this? Like, maybe it's something like, hey, if a girl whispers in your ear, is that cool? You know, like that. It could be any of that. Yes. Would you still kiss a girl after she ate the tail of a dehydrated shrimp? I would not. Me neither. I wouldn't date a girl. Yeah. Yeah. What you did, L.O.B. earns you stripes. Thank you. In the man club. In the man club.
You did something that a lot of men couldn't do. I have a fat sore. Leave me alone. Does it distract you at all when Woods pulls his waistband? Yes. And with the palm of his hand rubs his waistline where a quote unquote fat sore has developed? Yes. And then the fingers wander below where I can see things. That happens quite often. Yeah, it does. I have a fat sore, so. It distracts me too. But it itches. It hurts. It's called a penis. You just. You just call it a sore now, Woods. Yeah, I just call it a sore. It's the friction from my belt and my pants are too tight because I'm fat. I was going to go back to the gym and dance. All right, so girls only. It's the only people that are allowed to call are of the female persuasion. 5701949, you get real answers and, you know, you get a little wisdom. And then also Woods and Jay. Just kidding. Come on. Do you have any cream over there? 570-194-9. I'm ready. Maybe you just start wearing elastic waistband. I know. Give up. I need to go get some sweatpants at Costco. Just give up. I already gave up. I actually feel bad for Woods. You do? Fat swords are not cool. I will never in my life feel bad for him again because he put dehydrated shrimp in the mix. And you had to eat it. Pickled sausage. You were one box away from having a Twix bar. I know.
You chose that box. Well, because he started going for it. So I was like, I want it. I would have loved to see him eat that. I would have vomited. It was pretty intense. I opened the bag and almost vomited. We'll put pictures of it up on Facebook.com slash Mikey show in just a moment. First call is from M1 Pam in Carlsbad. Are you there, Pam? Yes, I am. What is your question? Well, it's my husband cheating on our diet. What? The first couple words really scared me. I was like, whoa, this is intense. Yeah. No, cheating on the diet. His doctor said he was one pound away from being obese. Oh, wow. Right? So he needed to go on a diet. And I honestly could use a diet also. So we are on a diet together. And then in the trash can, I found this IKEA bag.
which I was taking the bag. I'm not picking through the trash, but I wanted to recycle the bag. Yeah. And inside, there's these candy bar wrappers. Candy bar. They sell candy in the Ikea. And then I had to go... It's like finding wrapping papers and a heroin spoon. But it's, you know, it's big, big, large-sized candy bars. And then you look and... In the Home Depot bag in the bottom, there's a receipt for peanut M&M's. Oh, boy. You ever just a food inspector? Yeah, you ever just Magnum P.I.? She didn't mean to. Yeah, she didn't mean to. Really? She didn't mean to? She didn't. Not the first bag. I was looking at the recycled bags, and is this the new thing now that men are selling them candy? I don't know. What do you guys think? I think that you're on very dangerous ground. I am? Yes, you are. I'll tell you why. Isn't he? Let me explain. She has, as they say, she has caught him red-handed. Okay? And if she confronts him, you've put a rat in the corner. He has no way of escaping. And he will fight and claw his way out. Now.
It doesn't matter how you bring it up to him. It's just completely demeaning and emasculating. It's so sad. It's so sad. What's on this receipt? Who? Did you have a king-sized breakfast, honey, while I wasn't looking? So I say you have two options. You can just... Be as matter of fact about it as you can be. Meaning that you say, I wanted to recycle the Ikea bag. I took it out. There was candy bar wrappers in there. And we're on a diet. Were those yours? Or you're asking. You're not assuming. You're not telling him. You're just being straightforward. You're not being a bee. You're just saying, this is what happened. Here's what I found. What do you think?
You can let it go. Well, let it go, but I understand your point to save his feelings, but this is like a doctor telling him he needs to lose weight, and he's sneaking around eating big candy parts. That part, I don't want to let go. I mean, I love him. Yeah. I want to help him not have any obesity problems. There's one more thing you can do. What? Well. You just leave the wrappers on the counter. Oh, wow. Yeah, just leave them. Leave the evidence on the counter. That's awful. He will know, and then he will sheepishly and shamefully come to you and say, Babe, I have a problem. I am powerless. No, wow. I kind of like that idea. Just leave them. It's so gameplay. She can't enable.
If she just doesn't say anything, she's enabling him. Light him up. Light him up. Light him up. Men do not like to be called out for stuff. Women don't like to be called out for stuff. Hey, piggy, piggy. Sneaking. What do I do about the sneaking? He's embarrassed. We all do it. By we all, I mean Mike and I, when we get McDonald's, he buries the bag at the bottom. I leave mine in the car and throw it away at a gas station. In the outdoor garbage. The outdoor garbage. You do? Yeah. We have an outdoor trash can, and I will take the McDonald's bag. Yep. Wow. L.O.B. just got a look on her face. No, it's not you. It's the shrimp. Oh, you smell the shrimp? No, it's stuck in your mouth. Still in your mouth? Yeah. It's disgusting. I'll take the empty McDonald's bag, crumple it up into a ball, and I will open up the outside trash can and I will bury it. Wedge it down there. To hide the evidence. Sienna, I will do the same in the kitchen trash or I will eat it and have the bag in my car. I won't use the kitchen trash because I don't want her to be able to go.
Does somebody have McDonald's around here? I would be a McDonald's. I'm a better criminal than you are. You definitely are. I've got it figured out. I eat at the drug dealer's house a lot of times, which I don't even have to take my stuff home with me. He goes to the McDonald's, like, inside the McDonald's and eats. But if Rebecca found it and brought it up to you, would you be like, babe, you can't tell me about it. Beat her. How do you do it? Hey, Mike. Yeah? What's, um, did Jake go to McDonald's by himself the other day? Jake? Yeah. No? Hmm. Why? It wasn't Ryan, was it? No. What are you talking about? Oh, I found a little crumpled up bag in the trash can. Of what? Oh my gosh, I'm so uncomfortable. Looks like somebody maybe went to McDonald's. Maybe someone that lives in this house. Were you rummaging through the trash? No.
We lost one of Lukey's toys, so I was going through to see if it accidentally got thrown away. And you found a McDonald's bag. I found a McDonald's bag. I know I haven't been. I asked, you know, Nita doesn't eat that kind of stuff. I asked Claudia. So it either had to be the kids or you. How shameful do you feel? I'm so mad right now. Furious. I'm mad for you. I'm mad for you. That tone. So it was either the one and a half year old twins. Whom I feed every meal. And who don't drive. No, or have money. Or it was your fat butt. I'm just asking because you told me that you wanted to be better about watching your way. I did. I didn't tell you that I wanted to be policed. Well, I'm just asking if it was yours.
Of course it is. You know it was mine, babe. Why are you putting me through the, you know. Because I love you. Really? Is that why you just sarcastically asked if it was me or the twins? Well, you're a man of humor. I thought you would appreciate it. Why do you shame me? I'm not trying to shame you. I'm trying to help you. I'm here for you. We should really get you into a program. If I started smoking again and you found a pack of cigarettes, would you not say the same thing? No, I would say, babe, I found a pack of cigarettes. Are they yours? Okay. I would not put you through this humiliating humiliation. I apologize. Oh, are these Luke cigarettes? Oh, do you think Luke was smoking? They could be. No, in all seriousness, they could be. They could be Luke. Let me erase that. What would you do, L.O.B., because I know this is L.O.B. style. What would you do? Let's do it again. What would you do if I did this to you? Hey, babe. Hey. Hi. Hi.
What? What are you doing? Well, I'm hanging out, watching TV. Watching Andrew Zimmern. I'm watching Andrew Zimmern like I do every day. Okay. Do you have a question for me? Oh, am I supposed to have a question? Yeah, you do the same thing. Same thing. Same thing? Yeah. Okay. So, do you know if Jake went to McDonald's the other day? Actually, I think he did. Really? Yeah. Did you take him there? No, I think he hitchhiked. Really? Yeah. Should we be concerned about that? About Jake hitchhiking? Mm-hmm. I'll have a talk with him about it. Can we have a talk together? Oh, yeah. I mean, a four-year-old hitchhiking is pretty serious, baby. Maybe we should. Let's call him in here right now. He's napping. Okay, well, we'll wait. What do you plan to say to him? You can't get her. You cannot get her. You can't get her. I thought I had her. She's good. She is. You can't get through the L.O.B. She's got it down to a science. I would personally make a joke out of it, and I would pick up the rappers and be like, and say that I found the rappers. That would infuriate me to no end. Pam, you know your husband better than anybody. Yeah. Is he the type?
To flip out or does he have a sense of humor? Well, I think he would probably react the first way that you guys react. Like, what are you doing digging in the trash can policing me? Which you were. Listen, I get the Ikea thing, Pam. I get the Ikea thing. But after you found that. Then you started to investigate more. She had probable cause. She had probable cause. That's true. She had a warrant. At that point, you went and got a warrant. Yeah, you had to. Do you think he does it all the time? Because if it's just every once in a while, I mean, that's fine. You can't just break that habit completely. He's just a side of obese. He's been doing it all the time. It's not like he's never going to eat a candy bar again. Every once in a while, if he's had a good week, you're allowed to have a little treat and then continue your good behavior. He is one pound. King size. Multiple kingside. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm just trying to like... Kingside is pretty... He's not too extreme. The concern is really like the sneaking and the hiding. Because if I knew he was going to eat a large candy bar, then maybe we'd have a little less calories for dinner. Right. Like, there's ways to manage and we're supposed to be... It'd be fun, wouldn't it, Liz?
Maybe just leave him alone. You should buy those 100-calorie cookies and stuff like that that are in the individual pouch because if he wants a treat, he can just grab one of those and he doesn't have to go with the other one. You mean like when Rebecca got me the 100-calorie Doritos and I ate nine bags? Yeah, they don't have a code that only lets you punch it in once every hour. That's why you're supposed to stop after eating one bag. I'm hitting McDonald's today. But you're not in danger of... Pam, thank you for the call. Thank you for the call. Has your doctor told you? Let me tell you. Listen, he sits there and he leans back in his chair and he pushes his belly. You guys, you see that guy right there? Yeah. He used to be the sharpest guy. Don't say used to. He still is. He still is sharp. He's still a sharp guy. Skinny. But the guy that you see pressing on his jiggly right now, you see him pressing his jiggly? I think he's proud of it. I ate Friday night. I ate a cannoli and cheesecake for dessert. After fettuccine Alfredo. Oh, gosh, that's bad.
Lots of cream. The next day he pooped a pea size. Listen, we went to that benefit thing on Friday night and they had this delicious cheese and it was the gooey kind of cheese and the soft. Like brie? Yeah. And they had these pieces of French bread. And I'm sure people were probably like... Who's the pig that ate like all this cheese? And there was what they did was the table was big and they mirrored the snacks. So there was a tray of cheese here. Tray of cheese here. Tray of strawberries here. Tray of strawberries here. Taquitos here. Taquitos here. Just say taquitos. Yeah. I took that piece of bread and that little cheese knife and I slathered it. Like it was Elmer's glue. Just slathered it up. Covered every bit of the bread. Oh, yeah. Just a big piece of bread. And then I kind of looked around. And there was big chunks of cheese. And I looked around. And I used the sticky cheese to pick up the other. Cheese sandwich. And I picked up the other cheeses. And I'm like, and I felt a monster.
And then I looked around. I looked around. Grabbed a couple of figs. And I was like. And you thought, it's lovemaking. Real good. I bet other people saw you doing that. Definitely. And thought, good idea. Yeah. Did you go and raid the other cheese tray after that? Yeah, just meander over. Then I went over to the other cheese tray. I knew it. You didn't want to put too big of a dent in one tray. And then you know what I did? Oh, boy. You did a lap around the room and came back and acted like you had never been there. Oh, what's this? This is the lamest move. So I ate all that stuff. Then I threw the paper plate away, got a clean paper plate, and put like two strawberries on it. And walked around. Oh. As if you're saying, I'm healthy. I only eat fruit. I eat fruit. Can't you tell it? I mean, I'm eating fruit. Look at all of these looking at me right now. Like, you're such a fraud. My gosh. You're phony. I know I am. I am. Phony. Me too. And then when nobody's on, I grab taquitos. Weird. Why does food taste like that? Todd and I went out for our anniversary.
And because of me, we got a baked brie as an appetizer. Oh, it's so good. It was just a triangle of it. It was just a triangle of it. So good. Don't try to justify it. Okay. Don't you try to justify it. It's delicious. Listen to this. We did more, too. Oh, yeah. Listen to this heroin addict over here. Yeah. Todd and I celebrated our one-year anniversary yesterday. Happy anniversary, pal. Yes. My parents babysat, and we went out to dinner on Saturday night and got our favorite meal, rigatoni bolognese at Beaumont's. I never know how to say the second part. For those that don't know what bolognese is, it's meat. The meat's awesome. It's a meat gravy. Delicious. So good. Chunks of beef. Yes. She says, we may or may not have ordered the exact same meal to pick up last night. Nice. We had a gift card. I love it. At the restaurant that we used on our anniversary. And we had some left over. And so I said, babe, just use the gift card again. He's like, because I made him go back and pick it up. He's like, no, I'm so mortified. They're already going to recognize me. I can't be shamed even. Can you imagine if they're like, weren't you guys just here yesterday? He was so nervous about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we were. Oh, that's so weird because you guys got the exact same meal, didn't you? It's for our neighbor. Mine is to make free. We actually saw our neighbor come in the night we were there and he picked up an order to go and we're like, you can do that.
Oh, how about this? How about this? We got bucca last night. Weird. And we go there and I order so much food. Weird. You like little tastes of things. And so we had the woods as flowers. I had the woods as flowers. Yes. On the passenger seat. And so the girl comes out and she has so much food. She sees the flowers and she goes, oh, those are pretty flowers. And I go, yeah. And she goes, are those for your wife? And I go, no, they're for some friends. And she goes, oh, and you got them food too. And you said, nope. Yes. It's just for me. And I said, yes. I'm a liar. I'm a liar. I lied. You did lie. I'm admitting it. I lied.
Be different, not be perfect. If I were Todd. I was so embarrassed of the amount of food. She had so much food. She was like, well, obviously this is for an army. Are you going to Camp Pendleton? There was a funeral. You're going to a family reunion. It's easier to agree than to accept the shame. If I were Todd, I would have gone to great lengths to be like, yeah, we did. We came in last night and we raved to our neighbor about it and they wanted us to come pick it up. He has a broken leg. He's handicapped. So I had to come. I know I'm using the same gift card we used last night. He's a hell of a guy. He was too shamed. And Todd put on a hat. Did he put on like a rubber nose and fake glasses with a fake... He put on his Dodger hat. Groucho Marx glass. He goes in there like the geezer bandit. I'm here to pick up my food, sing. Oh, and you're getting food too? Nope. It's the best Rick and Tony we've ever had anywhere. Hello, I'm here for the... Old off the prom.
I believe it's under the name Todd. You can see it there, Todd. It's not me. It could be under Scuttleberry. Aren't you Todd Farrar? Nope. Nope. That would be Todd Scuttleberry. Wait a second, Mr. Scuttleberry. I'm holding your MasterCard and it says Todd Farrar. He's a good chap, friend of mine. He's a friend. Is he paying for the meal? Is that it? He is. Sent me here. Colin. So funny because Todd Farrar was here last night. Oh, that's interesting. He got this exact fattening meal. He was so hot. You always keep it at this temperature in here? I'll be on my way. Cheerio. Good day then, eh? 570-1949 is our number. If you want to give us a call. Mm-mm-mm. I ate too much. Now I am starving. Maybe I go on a diet. Please. Maybe I exercise. Maybe you get a trainer. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Oh, boy. It's killing me. It's killing me. His words are like razor blades. They are. They're like knowledge. Okay, okay, okay. Why don't you stop? Why don't you put some tape on your mouth? Put a lock on your fridge. Here, let me do it. Why don't you wear your mouth shut? I got an idea.
How about I break your jaw so I have to wire your mouth shut? I'm sure you'd figure out a way to blend up Big Macs. Sure. You'd probably get Big Mac pills, wouldn't you? Hey, Chubby. Why don't you take some duct tape, tape your face shut, so you stop shoveling food into it. Stop talking while you're at it. Yeah. Dummy. Kill two birds. You feed two birds with one stone. I got an idea. Why don't you eat rocks? Fill you up your tummy. Kick dirt. Kick some dirt. You sure do like to eat. Hey, pudding butt. Why don't you zip that lid up? Pudding butt. Hey, jiggly. Hey, cellulite. You got so much cellulite. I can't even believe it. Here's a question for you that you can call about 5701-949. If you had to pick one body part to lose, what would it be? Plus, Sienna's got some famous singers that are out there right now that were rejected at one time by American Idol. She'll tell you next. Do it? Yes. Oh, wow. All right, here, I'll tell people what I'm trying, what's going on right now.
Hey, man, that stuff ain't regular Mexican. We're not talking flauta here. Okay, so let me explain. Earlier, we did something called the Convenience Store Challenge. Woods went out and bought the most disgusting things that you can imagine. And then we played lyrical chairs, and Jay won lyrical chairs, so he didn't have to participate. The rest of us did. I ended up having to eat saladitos. Hang on, don't do anything yet. I had to eat soliditos. Sienna had to eat this horrific pickled meat. The first ingredient was mechanically separated chicken. What about me? Woods had to eat Twix. There was one good item and the good item was Twix. And L.O.B. had to eat the worst thing. These disgusting dehydrated whole shrimp.
Eyes, legs, everything. I opened it and I thought it was fake. Like, oh, these are like scary bugs you get in a Halloween store. Nope. No, they're not. They're real. Their eyes look like black peppercorns. The legs, gross. There's a thousand little dried up legs. All right. From our, hang on a minute. From our promotion department is Ciro. Ciro, pull the microphone up this close. Karate chop close. Right there. There you go. Ciro, are you Mexican? Yes. Okay, so you've, Sierra apparently eats this. Yep. And you have eaten this. I grew up eating these. Okay. How old were you the first time you tried that? I'd say about seven, eight. And you had no problem with that? No. I grew up eating seafood all my life. I mean, that's not seafood. I like seafood. It's just not dehydrated. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Don't do anything. Now, before he came on the air, because I said, I want you to come on the air and eat one of these. He ate one out and, you know, where Jay is. And he used Dave's Insanity Sauce. Yeah. Jay, did you put him up to that? Adam snuck it in on him. I had more of a hard time eating the sauce than the actual trip. You poor guy. Dave's Insanity Sauce is so hot that it's like a bit. Yeah, you said it's like a fake. Yeah, it's so hot. It would put me in the hospital. Oh, yeah. It would hurt. Are you okay? It puts some hurt on you.
I'm okay. I didn't know what it was. He said it was mild. Adam's over there. What is laughing? What a jerk. It's mild. It's mild. And as we're getting ready to go on the air, I take a bite out of this, and it's probably the worst part of this is just getting that hot sauce. Right. We'll eat a different one. Mikey has chips over there if you want. I do. Don't use that one. Okay, so you're not using the same hot sauce, are you? I could. That's the same one. Don't use that one. Yeah, go ahead. I'll go for the same one. Oh, my God. You are? Yeah. You're crazy. He, like, really dunked it. Oh, listen to that. That's good. Zero. It mixes well with the shrimp. Oh, my God. It's good. I'm in awe. We're all looking at him. He just out-Mexican'd you. He ate the eyes. Well, to be honest, L-O-B out-Mexican's me. Fair enough. It's true. For being honest. It's true. These actually, my grandmother, she lives in Ensenada. And there's a factory down there that makes these. So the smell penetrates the air down there. Oh, my gosh. Almost 100% of the time. Don't eat any more of that hot sauce. It's good. Oh, dude. Are you sure you're not struggling? No.
I swear. Ciro's gangster. You are a batty. You're a badass. A bad butt. Well, you're a bad butt. You're a bad butt, Ciro. First of all, Ciro is already one of the hottest guys in the office. There's no question. No question. He's one of the sexiest guys in the office. He's really good looking. He did win best looking at the last all staff meeting. He did. Gigantic. Okay. I didn't say that live. Matt, if you're listening, I didn't say that live. Should I finish this off? Yes. You just ate the tail? Mm-hmm. You eat the whole thing, head and all. I'm in awe. I'm in awe. Or as Jay would say, I'm in awe. I'm in awe. I'm in awe of you. I thought I would be grossed out, but I'm like, you're a man. Not only is he eating the dehydrated shrimp, he's pouring insanity sauce on it and adding other sauce to it because I was bad enough. Wow. I'm so impressed. Woods said this earlier, and he couldn't be more right. It's like watching a T-Rex be born. Yes. It is. You can't turn away from this. Yeah. We're all staring at him eating. He's like, what? The thing about these is they're just good as you go. It gets hotter. Oh, gross. And it's even better as it gets hotter. Wow. I'm sweating. That hot sauce is too hot. Listen, my wife is disgusted by seafood. Yeah.
disgusted. She won't eat anything that comes from the water. Nothing. Nothing. No shrimp, lobster, fish, nothing. All grosses are out. If you brought a Samsonite suitcase in here with crisp $20 bundles, $100 bundles, and that was $100,000, she wouldn't take that money to eat what Ciro is eating. Ciro's popping it in like it's popcorn. I know. It's good. Oh, wow. It sounds like he's eating cockroaches. It does. It sounds like he's eating cockroaches. I'm not as grossed out by it now. I'm not either. Well, because Cyril has his shirt off. That's why. Part of the reason you're not is because he's got baby oil all over his shaved chest. He makes it look like it's good when he eats it. Yeah, that's because he's hot, Sienna. But, like, it doesn't hurt the pause. Sienna's like, you know what's so weird? He eats a turd, and it actually makes that turd look delicious. Yeah. So good. Well, if you eat it, the hot sauce is getting you now. The hot sauce is getting you now. You can admit it. Yeah, I can admit that. It's been a while. I'm just going to eat the shrimp. We need to get him some milk.
Can I give you $20 to try that hot sauce? No. On a chip? No. Hell no. Look at Sarah. Oh my gosh, she's hungry. Hell no. How much would it cost you? $500. $500? I'm so worried about you. I'll do it for $20. Sarah, you can just have the regular hot sauce. I can't eat hot sauce. You don't need to eat anymore. Tabasco is a little spicy for me. Really? Tabasco. I had Tabasco the other morning on my hash browns and my ham steak and my French toast and my three eggs that I had for breakfast. Oh my gosh. And my side of sausage. Wash it down with a short stack with a milkshake. Did you have a short stack milkshake with that? A pancake milkshake? And I had Tabasco. Just bring me the batter. Just bring the batter in a cup. You don't need to cook it. Hey, I put Tabasco on the hash browns and I was eating them. I was like, whoo, get me, dude. Can I get another Coke? Let's talk, Woods. Let's talk serious. Okay. $100. Five. No. Dude, it's going to send me to the hospital. $500? It will send me to the hospital. $250. It'll burn me. $250. $500. Cash. I'm not doing $500. I can't. And you won't do it for $250? I'll do it for $250. I know you guys will. Why do you like to give Woods money and not any to us? Because you guys will do it. We need it. You guys will do it. Woods can't handle it. I wouldn't do it. Frank's Red Hot, I'm like, whoop! That's hot! And you could do shooters of Frank's Red Hot. You guys all could. I can't eat spicy stuff.
You won't do it for $250. Do it. See, that's why I believe he'd do it for $100. No, I wouldn't. And I'll pay you the $100. It ain't worth it to me. $150. All right, $150. That's fair. $500. No. See, I swear, that's the only way I'd do it. I won't do it for $250. If you give him $500. You won't do it for $250? Nope. Unbelievable. He's being a Sally. Ciro, tell him he's being a Sally. Yeah, look at Ciro. You're being a Sally. But Ciro can eat it. You know, he can eat that kind of stuff. But I'll chew this whole thing in Copenhagen. Can you take a dip of Copenhagen? Never had it. I'll try it. You couldn't do it. Ciro. Ciro. Ciro. You don't want to do this. You don't want to do it. You don't want to do this. I've never smoked in my life. I'll try it. Oh, we're ruining him. Go ahead and just take your shirt off while you do it. How dare you, girls? I don't want him to try it. Oh, my gosh. I'm so worried about him. You're tainting him. He's doing it. He's picking his lip. This is going to end poorly. Incredible hot sauce. Don't swallow it. Don't swallow it. Yeah, don't swallow it. You've got to spit it out.
Yeah, you mashed the spoon up. That was pleasant. Oh, he's like, this is easy. Hang on a second. Look, it's all over his mouth. Wait a minute. I cannot imagine what is happening in his mouth right now. The hydrated shrimp, Dave's Insanity Sauce, Frank's Red Hot, and Copenhagen. Let's get him the sausage. No! You're cruel. It's in the trash. I threw it away. We have a new stunt, boy. We have a new stunt. Yeah, L-O-B-M-C in our life. Why don't we hire him full time? Every day. Shirtless zero. That'll be the bitch. You should just be in here to make us have a better day. Are you buzzing? You got a little buzz? Yeah, it'll get you. If we were saying that. about a girl in this building right here. These girls. We'd be like equal rights. They'd be like, she's not even cute. She's not that cute. It's called 730 shirtless zero. It's an alliteration. If I said, if Mirwood said, hey, how about we do 730 shirtless Stephanie, whatever. That'd be disgusting. You can't be shirtless and be a woman. We'd be a pig.
Oh, my gosh. They would be so irritating. He just ate, like, nine dehydrated shrimp with the hottest hot sauce in the world and put a dip of Copenhagen in it. So now you have to try the sauce. Zero. Come on, Woods. Zero is putting you to shame. Fair. Fine. I'll take it. I'm more of a man than me. 160. I'll give you 160, Woods. 500 bucks. Zero should be the stunt boy. Let's do it. He should do it. Stunt boy. Stunt boy. Stunt boy. Stunt boy. Stunt boy. Stunt boy. He's so willing. You guys, he's good for the show. Give a rating. Ladies and gentlemen, call in. And we'll draw more female listeners. We need to get more listeners. Listen, if that was a woman that walked out, these girls would be like, her chin's weird. No. Nice earrings, 1987. We have hot chicks come in here all the time. And you girls will be... He's buzzing hard. Are you? Dude, get rid of that stuff from your mouth, please. The rest of your day is ruined. No, it's not. Why are you green? Let me tell you something. Somebody give him some milk. Milk! Get him a doctor! Sienna's like, oh my gosh, I have to give you mouth to mouth! You're not alright!
I'll be the nurse. You be the patient. Clear. Get him a massage. Somebody, he needs a pedicure. Oil. You guys, somebody get me some oil. I have to rub his chest. A fan to blow his hair around. Hurry. I'm cool for him to come up and put on. In slow motion. A water fountain. Some sort of. Chris, this man is seriously injured. He needs a loincloth like Tarzan right now. I need a bunch of grapes. I think it's safe to say that a star has been born here today. For sure. You've got to be out of here before my wife gets here. My wife is supposed to be here with Jake at nine. I want him out of here. Yeah, seriously. Where's the sausage? It's in the trash. That's what the girls are asking. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. You know what would be great? You know what would be great? Dig it through the trash. He's in CNN's trash. You guys don't. How hilarious would it be if Cyril was like, hey, you guys, I'm gay. Just so you girls know. He's not. He's got a girlfriend. He's got a girlfriend. Oh, wow. Half of it's wrapped up still.
You don't have to eat that, Sierra. You guys, don't. Stop it already. You're tainting his mouth. Woods just wants him to. This part didn't touch the trash. Right. Sierra! He's the man. He's the man. He's the man. So good. Shirtless. You creeps. Look at Sienna's like, yeah, shirtless. Tastes like cochinita, baby. He's the man. Mikey, what did he say? I just chomped down that meat thing. He said that's disgusting. It's good? Oh, my gosh. I'm going to have a heart attack. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I can smell the vinegar. Let's just take inventory here. Cyril has eaten. Cyril has eaten. I love him. He's eaten dehydrated shrimp with ice, whole, with... Dave's Insanity Sauce, Frank's Red Hot, took a dip of Copenhagen for the first time in his life on the radio, and then ate a pickled meat sausage. He's delirious. From the trash. From the trash. He's delirious. He's amazing. You on drugs. Oh, wow. Meanwhile, his boss is just zero. Where are you? One more.
Oh my gosh. He knows how to handle a sausage. I knew that was coming. I'm amazed. We should definitely make this a regular bit. Can we have him on at least once a week? When these mics are off. We need a street bit. A stunt boy. We do. When these mics are off, I'm going to filet you girls. Why? What? He's amazing. He's incredible. He's a man. I've never seen anything like that. He's got Adonis type DNA. Tiger's blood in his name for sure. He clearly has tiger's blood. How dare you? Oh my gosh. 570-1949 is our number. It's hot in here. Is it? I think it's that insanity. Are you okay? I'm fine. Oh, you sure are. You are. You're more than okay. You're fine, all right. All right, Sienna. Oh, boy. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Did we get a winner? I said the word of the day. I did. Did we get a winner for word of the day? No. We did? Okay, cool. We did get a winner. Thank you, Ciro. Anytime. You can come in here anytime you want. How tall are you, Ciro?
6'2". Ciro, 6'2". He's like a Greek god. A Mexican god. A Mexican god. Adonis. Thanks, Ciro. Thank you, Ciro. We're just joking. It must suck to be you. Yeah, tough life, pal. Anytime! And you know the other thing? He's like the nicest guy, too. Oh my gosh, I know. He got him and Adam, star performer, nominations, runner-up, sharp dresser. Unbelievable. Girls would probably... No matter what, they'd see his girlfriend. She can't have him. She's disgusting. I've seen pictures of his girlfriend. She is gorgeous. Yeah, she's gorgeous. She's gorgeous. She looks like a supermodel. Yeah, I don't want my wife to see him. Oh, stop. Me neither. These girls. Let's get a Chargers cheerleader up here once a week because we're doing that day. That's impressive. Oh, yeah. He is beyond impressed. Off the air, both of these girls will be like this. They'll be like, seriously, Mike?
You know, I'm not joking. Like, seriously. Yeah. He could really be good for this show. How could he not be? If we could get a Chargers cheerleader in here to do what he just did, all the way in. Oh, we can? All the way in. No problem. Guaranteed. No. There's no way. Dehydrated. You know why Sienna's saying no? Because she knows we probably could. I want zero to do it. Zero works here. We can't contract out. Mike, why would we contract out? We have the workers here in the building. We have the perfect person to do it. He's a good candidate. Unbelievable. He's willing. He's a hard worker. He's very nice. That was impressive. That stuff is the hottest stuff. You won't eat it. No. I can't believe he took a dip. He was slathering those shrimps in it. And he wasn't like, he was slathering it. Slathering. He ate one of pickled sauces from the trash. I wish that that. What philanthropist would call and put up 500 bucks so that we could have Woods take a gigantic gulp? I would put a little bit on a chip and eat it for 500. Have to be the size of a dime. Okay. No. That's all it would take. Yeah, it will put me in the hospital. I'm telling you. It won't put you in the hospital. You saw Zero. I wish we got that on video. He's Mexican. Yeah, but he put like a puddle of it on. I am Texican. All right. So, Sienna, who are the famous people that were on Idol?
Well, let me start with Colby Calais. Wow. She tried out twice for American Idol and didn't even make it to see the judges. The judges. Oh. And even the second try, she performed her song Bubbly. Are you kidding? Wow. And they said no way. She did sing Bubbly. Yeah, the second time. How crazy. You know that song. Yes, you do. Yes, you do, Woods. Oh, yeah, I like that song. Here, wait, wait. I apparently am gay. Duh. Write that down. She's saying this for the producers. They wouldn't even let her see the judges. That's my problem with American Idol. She's really good. Yeah. Well, the problem is, though, bro, is that they got so many thousands of people. That girl is better than 95 percent of them. The problem is, is that there's a lot of girls, believe it or not, that sound like Colby Callie.
Well. So yippee-ki-yay. She said, Colby said that I was shy, I was nervous, I didn't look the greatest, I wasn't ready for it yet. I was glad when I auditioned that they said no. Yeah. She wasn't. I have a friend that is phenomenal. Thank you. She tried out for American Idol and they said no and it has completely crushed her. Like she won't go out and sing in public and stuff. I'm like. They have an idea in their head what they want. Now, it doesn't mean you're a bad singer. It just means that's not what they were looking for. They want marketability. Yeah, like Ruben Stutter and Clay Aiken. You know what I mean? Dude, you want to know why they were marketable? Because they were really, really nerdy. Yeah. And there were people that got behind Ruben Studdard because he was so sweet. And in his audition, he cried. He was this big guy and he had the thing. And, you know, they put the story behind it. Clay Aiken, same thing. Dorkiest looking guy in the world. But Guy was, you know, he had a pretty good voice. He had a decent voice.
Another person that didn't make it past American Idol when she auditioned was Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum. Never heard of her. Oh, wow. Lady Antebellum, they are amazing. She's the singer. Wow. She can sing like crazy too. She didn't even make it. She sang that WT song that talks about I'm thinking of you because I'm drunk. It's not WT. It's gorgeous. It's beautiful. It's one of my favorites. It might make me tear up a little bit. It's too late. How many drunk girls do you think of? Called their boyfriends and left. Hello. Left a voicemail drunk going. How does it go? It's a quarter after one. I'm a little drunk and I need you now. It's a quarter after one. I'm a little drunk and I need you. Why don't you answer your phone, D? It's so pretty. It's a quarter after one. I'm a little. Wiener time. Mike.
How many times have you been that girl? Come on. A lot. Yeah, me too. It sings to a lot of people, literally. And I need you now. It's a jam. It's a beautiful song. Another girl that didn't make it through American Idol was Amber Riley, who is from Glee. Glee. And then Robin Troop, who I don't know who that is. But she's another famous person, apparently. She's recorded with Santana. Never heard of him. Huh. Mikey. David Cove. No, that's Robin Thicke. His name is Thicke. I know, but it's Robin. I thought you were trying to find the Robin character. No. Thicke. You just went to your Robin Thicke jams on your iTunes? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I have one song by Robin Thicke. It's called Lost Without You. Just no shame. Used to be a little whatsoever. Just honest. Are you? Thicke. Let's all be friends. He's giving me the plebeian bit. Mike was getting mad at that one. He gets very offended when you insult Robin. That's a good song. I like the song. I get very offended. He always does when I talk about Robin. I get very offended when Woods listens to the gayest music in the world and then pretends to be Mr. Arcade Fire. That's right. The suburbs. Grammy winning Arcade Fire. Yes. Robin Thicke is as well. I think.
He's very good looking. I know that much. That's freaking... Is it? Yes. Of course it is. Of course it is, Woods. You would know, right? After all, Eddie Vedder would never. That's right. What would Eddie do? Yeah, what would Eddie do? You know, the Lost Toasties would never sing a song like Lost Without You. The fact that it's melodic only makes me insane. That's right. You know who would listen to it? Charlie Sheen. But he's lost his mind. And Mike Esparza. Mike Esparza and the rest of the non-universe. I like it. Pleiadian! He has won a Grammy, by the way. Has he? Yeah. Congrats. He's giving those things away. Having the black-eyed peas. Stop playing while you're sitting there. It's really creepy.
When was the last time you cut your fingernails? I have never cut my fingernails. Did you just bite them? Oh, it's a good song. They've probably sold more than 12 records. Oh, I haven't told you about the shark suit. I gotta tell you about the shark suit. We'll do the shark suit next. We'll be right back. Easily the slowest moving, sweetest. Asian woman in the city of New York. The opposite of what happens in New York. Usually it's like, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, it wasn't like that this time. You've heard us talk about Angelina. Yes. Little baby Angelina. Some neighbors of ours have a little one and a half year old. Well, she's not one and a half yet. She's a little over a year old. But she's having surgery today. And the surgery started three hours ago. Could take up to 10 hours.
She's got myoblastoma, form of cancer, big tumor. It's wrapped around her spine. That's why it's going to take so long. But let me tell you, if this surgery is successful, she could be in good shape, really good shape. And so for those of you that do pray, I will ask you to please pray for Angelina and for comfort for Dom and Amy. That 10 hours of waiting is going to be tough. Tough. Very, very tough. So, you know, we're just really thinking about them today. Yes. Let's see. Want to remind you, too, about our friend Jared at CreateYourDesignOnline.com, who does really high-end graphic design. So if you need him to do your website or if you need him to do your business cards or anything like that, he can do it. And is really, really proficient, does things really fast. He did the MikeyShow.com website. We got a new header up on there. So it looks a little bit different. And yeah, we love Jared at createyourdesignonline.com.
Good man. Tell us about the anti-shark suit that they're making here in San Diego, Sienna. Well, it's a company called Neptunic Technologies. And this guy who's the main guy who's in charge of it, Jeremiah Sullivan, has been, you know, he's been on more than 45 TV shows demonstrating what this suit can do. And it was first invented in the 1970s. And he's just been working on it, working on it, working on it. Basically, it's a suit that if you got attacked by a great white shark, you would survive. No way. If you were wearing the suit. Oh, my gosh. Yes. It's made out of chain mail, which is not like email, like you're thinking. It's actually a type of armor, which consists of small metal rings. I looked it up. The knights used to wear it. Oh, really? Yeah. And I thought that stuff, I thought they had that stuff. Wouldn't that be heavy as all get up in the water? Yeah, you sink, you drown, but you don't, the sharks can't eat you, so it's perfect. I've seen it before. I know they already have a form of it, and it's real lightweight. Maybe titanium. Might have aluminum. Aluminum. Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't. He says it's a stronger, lighter suit, and it can sustain a great white shark attack. Now, this metal can be made out of aluminum, brass, bronze, but this guy is saying that it...
He's trying to prove it. He's been doing tests since the 70s, been working on this thing. Swimming in the tank with the shark. Swimming, and he's had a bunch of different attacks himself testing this stuff. How'd you like that job? Shoot tester. He's trying to give it to the government and the military. Listen, surfers, when a great white shark bites down on its prey, there's more power per square inch than there is... in the weight of a Volkswagen. God, come on. A square inch. It's terrifying. Yeah, I'm so scared of sharks. And then once they bite, then their eyes roll over white. Water turns red. Shark's eyes are black eyes like a doll's eye. I don't think much about it. 1,100 men went into the water. 300 came out. September 17, 1941. I've never seen Jaws. I just...
recite the lines all the time. You've never seen it? Yes, you have. I was like, how do you know it all then? I love it. Every day. I could watch it. It was on this weekend. I go, I bet Mike's watching it. I could watch it every day. I don't like it that much because I like to surf and stuff. Oh, we got little visitors. Zero is back. Zero! Nice. More cute. Hi. Bubba! Hi, bubs. Hi, Bubba. Hi, Bubby. Hey, bud. What are you doing? Hey, Bubby. What are you doing? Hey, Bubz. Hi, honey. Bubz, you got any new songs? You got any new songs? What's he like to sing? Come here. Come here, Bub. Little angel. Gosh, he's a little angel. Don't be too precocious. No, he's not. He's perfect.
They're already clapping and cheering for you. That's right. What? They're already clapping and cheering for you. Yes. Yes. Can you name everybody? Let's see. Oliver from work. Yeah. Do you know, who's that? Uncle Woods. That's right. Nicely done. Deanna. Whoa. Lauren. Yeah. Good luck. Uncle. Uncle Jay. Yeah. Nicely done. That's right, Bubba. L-O-B. L-O-B. Isolate. Isolate. Do you remember how I taught you to say it? L-O-B. L-O-B. Very good. That's so awesome. All right, Bubba. All right, go sit with Mama. Oh, my gosh. There you go.
Such a pumpkin, dude. Good Lord. That is really cute. He just took my breath away. I know. He is so sweet. I want a bottle of Jake. Me too. He's coming out of that shell a little bit, isn't he? Let's see. Okay, so we brought this up before. If you had to pick a body part to lose, what would it be? It's very easy for me. A toe. Nobody sees it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you would have a hard time walking. You do? Yes. You need all your toes. You do? You can learn to walk on the balls of your feet. Does it? If you lose one toe, it affects? Yes. It's going to mess you up. Let's take toes out of it. No toes? Let's make it harder. Okay. Because I think everybody would say toes. I was going to say like earlobe or something. Oh, that would be noticeable. That would look so weird. I don't care. I would rather be comfortable. Whatever. I'd say a pinky. Oh, God. A pinky is really weak anyway. I know, but if you didn't have a pinky, you wouldn't notice. Oh, yes, I would. You know, that's all your choices are your fingers. I mean, what else are you going to do? You do your nose. You cut off your nose by your face. Yeah, despite your face. You could take your you could do an ear. You could do a hand. You could do if you were a guy. Would you give up one voice? Yes.
Oh, yeah. That's a good call. No problem. You give them one of the boys. Yeah, for sure. Why? Because it's easy. Nobody sees it. I don't need them anymore. You don't need it. I don't need them anymore. It would look so weird. Mine, just get in the way anyway. I'm sick of them anyway. I have to trailer them in. Trailer them in. That's hideous. Hideous. Hey, I'm 106. Anybody want to jump some rope? I'm just going to pretend like you didn't say that. Body hair count as a body part? No. Why? What would you do? Get rid of all the body hair. Really? You should do that anyway. On the top of your head? No, no, no. You should do that anyway. I'm never going to have to shave or wax again. It's a really good bit. She hates it. She hates it. Therefore, it is a good bit. Oh, my God. That's great. Sienna? I thought about boobs, but then I said no. No. If you had one gone, it would be so weird. You bite your tongue. You know better. Maybe ear. No. You're not getting rid of your ear. Well, I might have to choose. You're going to look like an idiot. Well, I'm going to look like an idiot with anything gone. So, I got to go with the toe. Even though toes are out of it, I'm still going with the toe. Imagine running. I got you. If you're missing a toe, imagine running. You're going to be all lopsided. How about your front butt tooth?
Would you guys do that? Are you a hockey player? No. No girl could do that. I could pull it off. You'd always have black tooth. Would you girls rather have no hair or missing your two front teeth? No hair or missing your two front teeth? Missing my two front teeth. For real. Is there any hair on my head? Beautiful hair. You've got hair on your head. But you've got two missing front teeth. I always smile like this. No one's even going to check me out if I don't have hair on my head because I'll look strange. No, look at Sinead O'Connor. You can make it seem like you're artsy. You cannot make two missing teeth artsy. But I've got a weird shaped head, so it wouldn't work for me. Everyone thinks that, but then you wouldn't know. Winslet, you haven't had a shaved head. You've got to find. I'm sure it's the shape normal. No. Let's shave it and find out. Nah. How much would it cost? I wouldn't do it. No money. $100,000. Can it grow back? Yes. Can I wear a wig? No. Oh, wow. $100,000. You have to shave your head. And you can let it grow back. I'll do it. I would do it. Yeah. $100,000? Yeah, I'd do it. Now, wait. Is it bicked or is it like? Yes. It's bicked. Bald. Telly Savalas. Mikey. Mikey. I'll do it. Oh, boy. $100,000?
$50,000. At least $100,000, though. $50,000, you wouldn't do it? I probably would. If I was faced with the briefcase, yeah, I'd do it. Somebody donate $50,000. Would you do it for $50,000? No. No, Sienna? $100,000. $100,000. At least. So, a Sam Siteson in front of you, opened up, it's got $100 bills and bundles, they're all crisp. Yeah. And someone would shake my head, yeah. $50,000. No, $100,000. What about $75,000? She'd do it for $50. I just saw it in her eyes. If I had a Samsonite here right now and opened it up. $50, man. That's good money. That's good money. Tax-free. She's got long hair. Well, what went in my eyes is I thought maybe if they donated to someone like cancer and they could have my hair. I would do that. Yeah.
50K. I'd make a good wig, I think. Yeah. You would make five good wigs. Yeah, but you would walk around like Mr. Clean. Yeah, but if other people could have hair, I would do it. You could just do, every morning you'd have to do really beautiful makeup. Yeah. Wear hats. Wear a backwards hat. It's a much bigger deal to women than it is to go. Can you wear a scarf? No, nothing. Why not? Because the spirit of the equestrian, you gotta go, Baldy. Yes. That's tough. I would do it for 75. Wow. I would bick my head for $500. Well, yeah. Oh, Woods. What? I've never bicked it before. You're not getting any more offers because you wouldn't have the hot sauce. I would have done it for $500. I told you. It's insane for one drop of hot sauce. Insane. Ever done that? Never. No. It never ever happened. I already played that. Bub, sing some Taylor Swift. Sing Back to December. Oh, you're so cute. He just hard-teed you. Dear John. Dear John. Dear John. Come here. Come here. You seem good, John. Rules. Help, help, help, help. Okay. How does it start? Long were the nights.
Go back and turn ring to me. It's a tiny chess game. But you change the rules every day. Oh, what? Which version of you in the fall? And this, but I'm all not finished. Here we go. Don't you think I'm a silly underplayed nest with the girl? the trip, cry the way. Yay! Bubba, good job! That was so good! Good job, Bubba. That was great. Alright, we'll be back. I bet this would make a good mash-up with Metallica. Who is it? This is Skid Row. What song? Slave to the Grind. Nice! It'd be a nice song to get a massage to. Yeah, they usually play this in spas. It's definitely a love-making song. Yeah.
Wow. You put on some candles. Yeah. Wow. Put candles on. That'd be fun. Really? On your anniversary, if you're excited, like, put this on in a boombox? Not happening. I forgot about that tune. That's a good, good song. He came into town when he was doing his solo stuff, Sebastian Bach. And it was right after Skid Row. So he's still young, you know, skinny. Sharp. Sharp dude. My ex-girlfriend drove him to 7-Eleven and he got out of the van and walked into 7-Eleven in black leather pants. No shirt, no shoes, long blonde hair. Sebastian Bach walked in like that. I mean, really, you have to be a certain type of guy to be able to wear.
black leather pants that lace up the front. Yeah. You sent your girlfriend with Sebastian. No, no, no. You did or Shauna did. Somebody said, because she worked in promotions at the time. Oh, okay. Now I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Oh, I didn't say, hey, Sebastian, need a ride? Who's crazy there? No. Yeah, I'm sure he was like, just take me to the nearest. I don't care where it is. Just take me. I need Marlboro. I just need to run in and grab some Marlboros and that's it. Tonight's 8 o'clock album is Iron and Wine. And the album is called Kiss Each Other Clean. Feels real good is the subtitle of that. So there you go. Let's see. Libyan rebels are now ready for the Gaddafi supporters to start attacking them, and they say they're ready. Yeah, there's, you know, obviously a lot of people are on the opposition of Gaddafi, and all these other cities around Tripoli now are, and it's just everyone's ready to take this guy down. Well, not take him down, get him out. Right. And it's just, I don't know, President Obama, over the weekend he spoke out, and, I mean, he's just...
thinks Gaddafi needs to leave immediately. It's just this bad, and fights after fight, and they deployed tanks and anti-aircraft weapons. It's going to get bad. I thought you were going to go to Taylor Swift first. I know you so well, and I did not expect you to go to that. Only because I didn't see it. I had Taylor Swift on the top of my pile. I was like, he's going to go to this right now. Priorities. So I had to go and find the Gaddafi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have. Priorities. I hadn't seen it, and then I looked. I'm looking at all of them. I'm like, Taylor Swift. Of course. Well, she's been linked to another guy. Weird. You guys. There's something wrong with us. You can date. How many boyfriends did you have before time? Yeah, exactly. How many? Zero. Liar. Maybe she slows down. I only say that because she's like, I'm so good. She is. I bet she's really good. She's dating. She's dating. She's dating. She's got a boyfriend. Really, really good. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hey, listen. She got dumped by. She's been dumped by some of these guys. Yeah, Jake and John. I mean, don't you guys think 19 is too young to be messed with? I do. Maybe she takes a look in the mirror and figures out, hey, what's going on here? Maybe I slow down and stop writing songs about people. Do you girls ever have boyfriends? Yeah, you guys ever have boyfriends? You guys just married one guy and never had a boyfriend? No, I had boyfriends.
She's just in the public. But I didn't hop from one to the other. Didn't you? No, never. I did like a madman. She preaches like she's just so good. No, she does. Yes, she does. I wear t-shirts. She does it. She just sang your song like 10 years ago. Well, live up to it. Wow. She's still got to be wearing t-shirts. I've said all along, I like Taylor Swift's music, but she drives me nuts. She's a little angel. She tries to be, but she's not deep down. You just wait. I just don't like the serial dater. Just give it some time. Yeah, she was just spotted with a guy from Glee. Well, that's her friend. He's obviously Glee. His name is Cord Overstreet. Cord. This is her second Glee guy she's dated. See what she does? What? She's trying to make the other Glee guy, the other Gleek mad. How old is she, by the way, now? 21. Okay, so she's a young kid. I was a lunatic at 21. Yes. No. I didn't grow up until this year. Yeah. Doesn't mean that that made you a young kid. Just made you immature. I started dating Todd and I was a stepmother just about at 21. You're not a young kid. The only thing I have an issue with is... The only thing I have an issue with is if he liked you in the t-shirt and the tennis shoes, he'd be going out with you. Yes. He likes the girl in the...
Cheerleading squad. 100%. It's a metaphor, Mike. Yeah. It isn't a metaphor. It is. I believe she thinks that she's the girl in the t-shirt and the sneakers. Laid back. Yeah, guys like short skirts, Taylor. She's saying she knows him better than he knows himself. She's all right. And this other girl's all wrong. All wrong. All wrong. And you know why she's all wrong? Because she wears makeup. She's hot. She's in the cheerleading squad. She wears short skirts. But she's wrong. May not be serial dating. She may have figured it out. Yeah, this song's filthy. It's great. This song's not. Humility. Listen, I messed up. Broken woman. I messed up guy from Twilight. Those roses weren't even for her. That's the most hysterical thing I've ever heard. It's written through Taylor Lautner. That voice kills me. It's so good. It's very sweet.
I think she thinks a little too much of her son. I think she's just being a kid. Hey, she's staying out of trouble. You don't see her in jail. She's not in the courts. She's a grown woman. She's a smart kid. She's got her head on straight. She's not a rap artist shooting bullets into SUVs. She stays out of trouble. She might like the boys, but she's a little boy crazy. Boy crazy. She's a little boy crazy. She's 21. Yeah, it's okay. There's going to be some shocking news here soon. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I just can't wait. Oh, my gosh. It's going to happen. It's not. She's not that kind of kid. She's not that kind of kid. You think people were going to say that about Tiger Woods a couple years ago? Fair enough. Right. Fair enough. Good point. Maybe he got me with that. Yeah, good point. You got me with that. But I'd be really... See, Tiger Woods was like... The same type of person. Same rap. I guess she's right. Sex tape. No! Let's hope. Yeah, one can only help. One can only help. Jay, I thought you were out on Taylor Swift. Yeah, I think she'd see that. Yeah, I think she's good looking. He doesn't like her, but she's cute. Yeah, she's cute. It would not be mad to see her. You have daughters younger than her, Jay. Why'd you have to ruin everything, Woods? Daughters older than her, too. Yeah, and younger. There you go. You know, you can just give me a half a break and be fine. I'm trying to fantasize about Taylor Swift. Come on! Why don't you give me a break for half a minute?
Half a minute. Here I am. I'm ankle deep into a Taylor Swift fantasy and you ruin everything. Ankle deep. You come in here with, oh, your daughters, your daughters. Quit it. I'm sitting there listening to Back to December thinking she's singing about old Jaybird. Jaybird. You ruin it all. She got that Taylor guitar around her neck. That blonde curly hair. Singing to old Jay. Keep going. I'm sitting in my Chevy. Keep going. Yeah, that's good. Gross. I'm pantsless in my Chevy. Oh, no. We forgot. I guess that puts things into perspective, doesn't it? It sure does. Blow up doll has a wig on it. Long and curly. Just sitting there in my van.
Wearing my Letterman jacket. And that's it. She has pompered. V for varsity. V for... Approving nod. Convicted. V for Velen. Let's see. So, Hillary, what do you got coming up next? Wow. Yeah. Oh, boy. I grabbed the new Foo Fighters. I'm going to play it in about five minutes, or five minutes after we're done here, because I kind of had it stuck in my head all weekend. So that, I grabbed some Madness, the new Radiohead record. Nice. Florence and the Machine, Alice in Chains. It'll be good. There you go. Yeah. Lovely and talented Hillary's up next, and we will come back here tomorrow morning at 6 and do it again. Mikey shows up. Do you want to go get some McDonald's? No. Sure. Let's go. Jeez.