The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 03/03/11
Thursday, March 3, 2011
radio comedyfamily argumentsdangerous sciencecelebrity satirerelationshipsparentingsports fandomfood darestechnology spendingmusic videosmikey showradio
Jay's Old Man Who Does Science bit culminated in a flaming, self-carving watermelon that shot an M-shaped piece across the studio, while Woods separately ate Mike's egg burrito after it had sat out overnight. Mike and Rebecca brought their real iPad 2 argument on air: she said his repeated borrowing erased the point of an allowance, and the cast overwhelmingly agreed with her. A listener's problem about a boyfriend's mother displaying his ex's photos sparked a serious split over whether family loyalty should outweigh an independent adult friendship. Around those arguments, Mike, Woods, Sienna, Lauren and Jay mocked Charlie Sheen's tiger-blood and Porn Palace interviews, treated Lionel Richie's Hello as a horror film, and debated sports loyalty, pacifiers and whether a school lunch salad would get a boy teased.
What happened, in order
The Comfort Jeans Trial
Mike warns Sienna about his ugly comfortable jeans, then the whole room inspects the holes and declares the pants too short.
Pacifier Detox
Mike and Rebecca prepare to take pacifiers away from Luke and Ryan while the cast argues that the only workable method is three days of total withdrawal.
Miserable Sports City
The cast debates San Diego's ranking among America's most miserable sports cities and blames weak inherited loyalty plus the Chargers' and Padres' painful records.
Woods the Losing Coach
Woods calls himself the worst coach after his team strikes out 15 times and admits yelling at the umpire from the third-base box.
The Missing Old Car
A woman searches a parking lot for seven minutes and thinks her car was stolen before remembering she now drives a different vehicle.
The Overnight Burrito
Woods finds Mike's egg burrito from the previous day, reheats and eats it despite everyone warning that it sat out overnight.
Exploding Watermelon
For Jay the Old Man Who Does Science, Jay ignites a hollow watermelon so an M-shaped section blasts across the studio in flame.
Charlie Sheen Logic
The show plays Charlie Sheen discussing his children and tiger blood, then turns his evasive Porn Palace answers into an extended impression.
Mom Still Loves the Ex
A listener asks whether her boyfriend's mother should remain publicly close to his ex, splitting the cast between adult friendship and loyalty to the new relationship.
The iPad Allowance Fight
Rebecca calls in to explain that Mike keeps borrowing against his allowance for Apple products, and the cast sides with her even after she gives in on the iPad 2.
Hello, the Horror Movie
The cast recasts Lionel Richie's Hello video as a stalker story about a professor following a blind student and mock-pitches the bizarre clay-bust ending.
Salad at the Boys' Table
The hosts argue over whether sending a boy to school with salad invites teasing, eventually landing on Jay's line that salads do not determine sexuality.
People mentioned
MikeWoodsSiennaLaurenJayRebeccaJamieLukeRyanJennaChrisCharlie SheenBilly BushPaula
30,322 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Work wives. You got two of them. Got two of them. And you got a work little kid with me. Thank goodness they're cute. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that, man. That's a nice compliment. We're like the devil and angel. That's true. Sienna's the angel. 100. Welcome to the program. I can be the devil sometimes. That's right. They're fun to work with. I'm in hotties. Me too, Charlie. Me too. We got to talk about Charlie Sheen. Scoreboard doesn't lie. It never has. But we have to talk about you, Charlie. Shut up. What? Shut up. I have to. Stop. Go forward. Oh, boy. So angry. Already angry. Already. 570-1949 is our number. So you can give us a call at the beginning and end of every show. You can call us about whatever you want right now. Bring it. Okay. I feel like we were living in like a...
trailer and about to be evicted. Yeah. And then we struck oil. Yeah. And now all the tycoons of Texas are coming to us because we have this gold. Yeah. From Charlie Sheen. From Charlie Sheen. It's just so good. Yeah, well, and I think we all feel the same about it. It's like a 50-50 split of both. It's like 50% of you, you feel completely terrible for this man. And the other 50% of you cannot take your eyes off of it because it's just a train wreck. And you can't take your eyes off of it. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I will admit to you that I wrote an email to Sienna this morning. I haven't even looked. I mean, good attention. What do you mean? Your email. You responded to it. Well, I haven't looked at you is what I mean. Oh, that's what you mean. In that way. I wrote her an email this morning and I said, I think the subject of the email is just so you know. Yes, it is. Just so you know.
Dot, dot, dot. And I'm like, what is this? Did I do something wrong? And he wrote, you're not going to like my jeans today. You've seen them. They are hideous. They are beyond comfortable. Just saying. What did you write back? I said, Mike! I'm going to love them, am I? Well, you said, don't worry. I haven't even, I've been, you know. Let's take a gander. They're the most comfortable jeans I own. Let's take a gander. We all have those. Is it okay? Yeah, we know they're ugly. I can be brutally honest or not. No, I know what you're going to say. They're awful. Well, I'll be honest. They might not be. Maybe they are. Oh, boy. They're bad. Dude, they're fine. What are they, right? Wait, wait, wait. Wait. What's with the... Oh, there's a rip? Is that intentional? It's a rip. Oh, oh, oh. They're just your comfies. Now, I have a few things to say. It just keeps getting worse. I have a few things to say. What? These are actually ratty, holey jeans. Yes, and I can tell. They haven't been blessed. I can tell. And because they're like an accidental rip, it's okay. It is? Because it's accidental. Yeah. And it shows they look comfy. As long as the rip isn't in the crotch, you can wear them. I want to wear them every day. My only problem is, and you're going to never wear them again because I say it.
Hold on. What? What? They're too short. Oh, my. How did that happen? Look at them. They're not. How did you get jeans that were too short? You pulled them down. Well, this is where they're supposed to be. Raise up your shirt and let's see. Are they all right like this? Hey, pal, why don't you pull your shoes up? I have things. Your pants need to just touch the floor a little bit. Don't they? Well... These are perfect. Those are perfect. Mike, they're okay. What's it like just being perfect? They're the same length. I wouldn't have said anything if you didn't point them out, though. I just want to make that known. There's nothing worse than having pants that are... And I mean, I had a couple pair that were right on the fringe, and you slam them down on your hips, and you're walking, you're like... They're too short. They're too short. They're too short. They're too short. And people are looking at you sniggling. I have a pair that are like that. And I still wear them anyway because they're comfortable. I love you, Mike. Sorry, Mike. Thank you. Don't be ashamed. Where's the flood? I'll pull your shoes up. So I'm 40. I'm the host of the show.
Texted Woods about McDonald's yesterday because I went there. That's right. Woods is 35. I love that shirt. I bet you got that at Target. I did. So comfy. I want old school. Enjoy Coke. Looks like a Coke shirt. That looks so comfy. I was getting in character for Charlie Sheen today. I figured we'd be doing some. Coca-Cola. Figured I'd get in character a little bit. You're making it about cocaine. No, Coca-Cola. Charlie Sheen. He loves Coca-Cola. He does. That's Steve Martin's bit on Twitter right now. He keeps putting Coke with the little trademarks. I'm like, why is it funny? Thanks, Steve. Simon Cowell has abandoned Coke. It was all over the news, too, because now he's going on his, not with American Idol anymore, now he has a Pepsi sponsor. So he's gotten rid of all of his Coke products, and now it's exclusively Pepsi. He used to be on American Idol. All of them would drink these big, tall, red plastic cups that said Coca-Cola. I have one of those cups. Paula's may have been filled with alcohol. What? Paula's may have been filled with alcohol. With wine. Ludes. Ludes. No, these shirts I love from Target because they're so soft. And yours too. Very comfy. Yeah, it is. Let's see. Lauren is our assistant producer. She is 30 years of age.
She is doing something to throw me off, and it's working a bit. She's mouthing everything that I say. I don't know if you can do it anymore. She is goofy today. Watch out. Yeah, I don't know what happened. Watch out. It's great. Sienna is 25, and she's wearing a very comfortable flannel. This is Todd's that I accidentally shrunk. Did I accidentally do it? He told me not to put it in the dryer, and I did. So now I wear it. He's like Pearl Jam from 94. I know. It's like Nirvana. Claudia did a load of laundry at the house and messed up the Trilolo shirt. Did you notice? No. Yeah, the collar's pink. I don't care. I'll wear it. It is? It's your favorite. I didn't see it. It's not going to change the thing for me. Claudia! I'm wearing that thing. I wore it the other day. The collar was pink. I don't know if it was bleach or what the deal was. Oh, I didn't notice. I didn't either. Good. Everybody's loopy. I know. You just get up at 1230 a.m. Oh, my God. You on drugs. No, I didn't. I got up at one. Got up at one. Rebel. That's crazy. You slept in today. Real good. He goes to sleep at six. So he does get.
Pretty good amount of sleep. I feel bad when I texted him at like 6.30 last night. I was like, oh, he's dead asleep. It's off. The phone's off. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't matter if I text you at noon or 6.30. I'm not getting a response either way, so it really doesn't matter. I go to sleep around that time now, too. Whoa. Do you really? I lie down at like 6.30 because Sage goes to sleep early, so I'm like, all right, when she's down, I'm down. Jenna, my stepdaughter, is making fun of me. She's like, it's 6.30. What are you doing? Old lady. I know. I can't help it. Wow. Be up late tonight, though. Thursday nights and nights I stay up until 7.30. Is that right? I thought it went a little later. No, it's 7.30. Do you bail when everybody else is still downstairs? No, we wrap it up. That's cool. Try to wrap it up. Jay is our producer. He's 47. Now it's to us this morning that he feels that his shoulders are getting broader. No, I thought I was getting taller. He thought he was getting taller because his shirts are getting shorter. Oh, my shirts are getting short. I'm like wearing half shirts all of a sudden. Your gut's growing. That's what happens to me. I think his shoulders are getting broader. When your gut gets bigger, your shirt creeps up. His gut does not look bigger. But his is all across the board. Put your shirt down, please. He's slowly inching his shirt up. Every day. He loves to show us his barrel belly. Every day. For a year and a couple months. There's a way.
In Seinfeld, they always have to put a reference to Superman in there. Every day, his belly has to come off. If I weren't so scarred, I would do it too. If I didn't have scars, I would do it just to gross you guys out. Makes you look tough. Yeah, that's true. Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The Goo Goo Dolls said that. That's really awesome. Let's just have a round of applause for the Goo Goo Dolls. Johnny Resnick, here's to you. Here's to you, Goo Goo Dolls. Worst reference ever. Yep. Here's to you, Mr. Weird Blonde Hair Mascara Eyeliner Wearer from the Goo Goo Dolls. With a really fat bass player who can't sing a lick, but insists on singing on every record. That you grew up with in Buffalo. Tough name, that band name. The Goo Goo Dolls. They'd be so much better if they didn't have that name. It'd be Moe Better if they were called Moe Better. Yeah, it would. Anything's better than that. Our phone screener today is Chris. It's Chris. I like Sienna's uh-oh. I never know what's going to come out. I was ready for that. Yesterday, my twin boys, Luke and Ryan, were in their little jammies and I went over to Luke.
He was so cute. He was playing around, and I picked him up with, I laid on my back, and I held him, and I put my feet on his hips, and I was rolling back and forth, and he was loving it, and he was loving it, and I was rolling, and he was giggling. Superman. I did that yesterday, too. And I put him down, and then I said, all right, I'm going to go over to Ryan. Thank you. And I went over to Ryan, and he was in his diaper. He didn't have his jammies on. He was just wearing a diaper. And I kissed his side and I went on his side. Raspberry. Yeah. Yeah. And he went. And in all fairness, you didn't do that to Luke. He wanted you to do the airplane to him. Yeah. How did he do it again? You didn't do that to Luke. Yeah. How come. You can look at it both ways. How come Luke didn't get a nice sweet kiss raspberry? Airplane's way more fun. Yeah, way more fun. I would have done the airplane with Ryan. I can't lift him. That's not true. I was joking. Come on. Don't you not joke when you're here? It's a joke. You guys, it's just a joke. That's all it was. It's just a little bit of humor. It was levity. It was levity. I was just trying to give a little bit of... Really, dude?
Really? It was. I was trying to mess around a little. That's all. He's like 30 pounds. I did the airplane with Jenna, who's nine, yesterday. It's like a workout, and I would do, like, crunches with her on my legs. He hasn't been 30 pounds all obese since he was two weeks old. Stop! What's the matter with you people? Oh, please. Please. Please. Oh, my gosh. It's like, we're so serious, you know? It's funny because he's fat. Hey! For goodness sake. I wish he was here right now. He'd probably start crying. He's not even chubby. Do you know what we're about to do? By we, I mean my wife, Rebecca. Do you know what Rebecca is about to have to embark on? What? Taking away. They're crack cocaine. What? Binky. Nope. Worse. Blanket. Blanket. Oh, wait a minute. That's probably what you call binky. The pacifier? Yes. Oh, yeah. Good luck. Janet, I'm letting you know right now. Oh, it's crack. It's the worst three days of your life. Really? It's like detox. Yeah. It's worse, though. Worse than detox. It's worse than detox. You should have learned your lesson. Because when you're in detox, you know why you're there. Right.
pacifier taken away, you don't even understand what the deal is. Right, because you're like, this isn't bad for me. It's like, why'd you stop feeding me? Don't do it until you know you have every single one because they find them. And if they find one pacifier, you have to start over again. Hey, why take it away now? I'm just curious. Well, a few different reasons. And Rebecca was so funny yesterday. She goes, listen. I wouldn't care. I'd let them have it until they were four years old now. Having Jake, she goes, I don't care. I'd let them have it until they were four. She goes, I know they're not going to have it when they're eight, so what do I care? And I actually thought that was interesting. Good logic. Don't know if I agree with it, but honestly, I would go with it. I'd go with it. But she said, but Ryan's teeth are getting jacked up from it, and they are. I mean, they're getting jacked up. They'll fall out anyway, though, right? Yeah, but you don't want them. Mess with the alignment? Yeah, mess with the alignment. Okay, okay. And, you know, right now, the way that it's forming, you know, it looks like a constellation or some sort of other galaxy, you know, terrestrially. Plus, it messes with their palate, too, I think. Rest on their palate of their mouth. Right. That's right. And you, being you, want your kids to have a good, sharp palate. Yeah. If they're anything like their dad. Food connoisseurs. Be food foodies. That's right. Or winos.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Either way. It's a hope for everybody. It's a hope for every child out there. For sure. Good luck. So, anyway. When is that going down? A couple weeks. You're going to count it off a couple weeks. Oh, don't even wait. Oh, you don't wean them. You just yank. Oh, yeah. So you're starting in a couple weeks. Or you're doing it in a couple weeks. Some kids aren't as bad, though. I was a nanny, and he was addicted to binkies. And we took it away, and he was okay. Yeah, here's the thing. We know that both Luke and Ryan are going to have a hard time. Ryan is going to lose his mind. Oh, no. Ryan will be the harder. Will they just switch to the thumb? I don't know. Because that's what Liberty did. Jake did not. Liberty went right to her thumb. Jasper could have cared less. Each kid was different for us. Jasper was like. Don't need that anyway. They say at that age it takes three days to help them to form a habit. What if you just gave it to them at night for a week or something? No, you can't. No, all or none. You take it away. You don't give somebody a little bit of crack. You take it away. So it takes them three days? I've started out with Sage where she gets it at night or when she's napping. Wow. She doesn't have it all the time? Not really. She's only six months. Yeah, not really. She doesn't really like it all the time. All right, well.
Let me give you some other stuff. Jay, the old man that does science, is going to be 7.30. It's going to be real good. I can't wait. Will you promise, and I'm being serious. Okay. Be serious with me for a minute. Yes, absolutely. We can pretend that we're off the air. Okay. Because I'd say this to you the same way off the air. Okay, I'm ready. We're not live, are we? Okay, just. I'm being serious, Jay. Okay, I'm with you. Can you promise me that we won't get fired and that we won't like. Yes. Okay. I feel better. There's a watermelon sitting next to Jay. That's just a snack. I don't know why, but I know that it has to do with this broad science experiment. It makes me so nervous. It's nerve-wracking. Every week, Jay does some science experiment, and they're not little science experiments. In fact, that's the one defining thing I could say about Jay. When we used to do stuff over at the old station, Jay never did anything, you know.
On a small scale. Everything was a production. He doesn't half-ass stuff. No. He does it right. No, he doesn't. Garrett had me sign a release. What? Is that a true fact? That's a true fact. And I have to send him an email each week telling him what I'm doing. We are in a studio where there's, you know, very, very expensive equipment. Very. And if something goes wrong and it gets smoky in here, those sprinklers are going to go off and ruin. They'd ruin everything. I mean, we would be done. Yeah. The studio that we're broadcasting from was customized for us. We're the only people that use it and we're in our own suite. And this studio that we broadcast from is state of the art and brand new. And in fact, I was told yesterday, our studio is sort of the benchmark for this company. There is no nicer studio in our company and Lincoln Financial. Oh, I didn't mean to play that. I didn't mean to play this. No, I didn't. There you go. We should have an emergency tarp. I agree. In this studio. Agreed. And we just put it over the board. Jeremy told me that will make us feel better. Jeremy is our Mr. Renaissance man around the station here. He said the sprinklers will only go off if it.
the little thing heats up to a certain point. So it'll be heat that will put the sprinklers on. But if the smoke detector goes off, the whole floor will shut down. So three stations will go off the air. And everyone will get mad at us. So if that's any consolation. It's a little bit for me. It is. It feels better. Yeah, it does. It feels good. But I'll tell you this. It still makes me nervous when Jay does his experiments. He'll stick things in the microwave that your mind goes, don't do that. Can't do that. You can't do that. You can't do that. You can't do that. Light bulbs in the microwave. Light bulbs in glasses of water. Oh, my God. So nerve-wracking. Every time we do Jay, the old man that does science. I will say at some point during it, okay, Jay, that's enough. That's enough. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Guaranteed. I hide behind woods every time. I hide behind Mike. Today's a good day for hiding. Is there going to be watermelon all over you? The word of the day is dinero. Dinero. Robert? No. Bobby? No. Dinero. What does that mean, Mike? Money. Yeah! I think I'm just going to turn it into you.
The Spanish word of the day. There you go. I actually had that for my ideas yesterday. We didn't get to it. What do you think? The Spanish word of the day. It's a Spanish word of the day. Because I'm Hispanic. But I'll teach you more Spanish. Yeah. And we'll teach our listeners. Yeah. Especially the young kids in the audience. Spanish word of the day. San Diego ranks in the top five of the most miserable sports cities in America. Weird. Are you surprised by this? Not at. I'm not shocked at it at all. I know. We are not Boston. We are not New York. We are not Philly. Pittsburgh. Detroit. We're not Pittsburgh. Dallas. Dallas, a good sports town. Chicago. And what that means is a good sports town is a town that is all about that team. Yep. And, you know, yeah, we have Charger fans. I mean, I can't deny the fact that we have Charger fans. I can't deny the fact that we have Padre fans. What is undisputable, though, is the passion exists in general when the team wins. Unlike cities like Boston, where it doesn't matter what's going on, they're about that team no matter what. They're not real bright in Boston, but in a city like New York or something like that, that makes a little bit more sense. Now, let me just tell you, this is done by Forbes magazine. Forbes, I know.
Forbes magazine. That's why I'm talking over them because I don't want to hear about you. This is done by Forbes magazine and SDSU's football team and basketball programs, which did really well. This was done before SDSU did well. So I just want to say that first because people are probably thinking, what about the Aztecs? Yeah. Well, this is because the Chargers and the Padres painfully disappointing postseason records. And we've lost two NBA teams, the Clippers and the Rockets. So that's why San Diego is. Not doing very well. Dude. As a sports city, the other cities in the top five are Seattle, Atlanta, Phoenix. Seattle. Atlanta, Phoenix, and Buffalo. Buffalo. Buffalo. It's so sad. Can we read the bad cities again for sports? San Diego, Seattle, Atlanta, Phoenix, and Buffalo. I mean. The scoreboard doesn't lie. No one has. You know what's weird about it is that Phoenix actually has had good teams. They had a team in the Super Bowl. They've had great baseball teams. That's true. They've won a World Series in Arizona. It goes back to there's too much going on around there for people to do. Maybe. Grand Canyon. It's a weak bit, man. In cities like New York and Boston, so much more to do than in San Diego. You know what I mean? There is. I think what that is is there is a lot of people that have their roots are grounded there. We have transplants. Generation. Just kind of assume.
You know, I'm from outside Philly. Philly. Philly. And it's just kind of assume you pass people on the street and you're just like, you know that person's an Eagles fan. There's no dispute. And their grandfather. And in Boston. All right. You got your father. Yeah. All right. Your father, your mother. Your father, your mother, your grandfather. All right. His grandfather before him all grew up being a Sox fan. Sox. They love the Sox. Well, truth be told, they also grew up. Being bank robbers. Right. Yeah, they got shot by a cop. You know, I have 12 brothers. Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Timmy, Tommy, Davey, Joey, Robbie, and Brian. Right? Yeah. Were they bank robbers? Yeah, they all were bank robbers. I lost seven of them. They were all shot by cops. Yeah. Being born and raised in San Diego, I don't know what Woods knows about being a Yankee fan or my husband knows about being a Steelers fan. I don't know that feeling of like... Thinking, we're going to make it. Like, I don't know. Like, hey, we got this. Or we got a shot. I don't. I'm just terror every season. You know, I'm just waiting for the fall. That's a great point. M1 Captain Moe from La Mesa. He's got the answer to it, and I agree. Go ahead. What's going on, Joe? Not too much. Excuse me. Oh, man. Oh, wow. Hey, I like. I like. Why don't we come up with something? Why don't we come up with a greeting?
How about greetings? How about what up, Mikey Show? Some people might be saying what up. I got a theory of why we have such a big variety of fans here. It's that everybody wants to be in San Diego. San Diego is such an awesome city that people want to move from cold Chicago and from cold Pittsburgh to San Diego. Everybody wants to move. And it goes the same way with Oakland. You know, nobody moves from San Diego to Oakland. Nobody moves from San Diego to Chicago. You know, everybody moves from, you know, the blizzard. It's true. Smart man. But weather in San Diego. And they bring their team. I've got a counterpoint to that, though. You can still, like me, I'm a diehard Yankee fan. Diehard. Love them. I watch 150 games a year on my computer.
But I went to seven or eight Padres games last year. I watched every Padre game I could. There's nothing wrong with embracing the team that you live in of that city. And to have that team in first place for most of the year and to be averaging 18,000 fans a night is putrid. But not everyone's as open-minded as you. And you're a sports guy. I'm a baseball fan, you know? Huge. Yeah. Woods is also speaking from the perspective of a person that's a fan of a team that's won 27. You know that feeling, you know? You've got to get behind those guys, man. They've got a good new squad. Everybody be on board. Buy in. I did. Second place. Yeah, second favorite season. All right. You ever just go on American Idol and sing a song that's better than the original from the original artist? Now, Woods, I'm telling you right now. You're going to think it's blasphemous. I'm going to keep an open mind. You're going to think it's blasphemy. Be nice. I'm going to keep an open mind about it because I don't know if I can be sold, but we'll see. I say that's when you know you can sing. Yeah. Better than the original. It's next.
Woods was just giving L.O.D. a lap dance. That's hurting my head. And Lauren didn't even care. She wasn't even moving at all. My wife called me out the other day for actually loving this song. I love this song. She goes, you love this song. I go, uh-huh. It's a good song. Feels good to be out of that closet. I hear stuff like this and I hear like... They use this on, like, sports stuff. They'll be like, welcome to the All-Star Game. 19,000 people here at the stadium. It pumps you up. It's showing them, like, dunking and stuff. Yeah, I love that. Welcome to the 2011 Slam Dunk Contest, ladies and gentlemen. You could have that job. Oh, you could. I'm Bill Stevens, and I'm joined here by my partner, Garrett. Hey, what's going on? Not too much, Garrett.
Detroit looks good tonight. And I think Philly's going to do well. How about those Seattle Supersonics? Jay, the old man that does science coming up at 7.30. Word of the day is dinero. When you hear me work the word dinero in the sentence between 9 and 10, you're going to get a four-pack tickets to the NASCAR Nationwide Series. You're also going to get G-Love tickets. And you're going to get a pair of sunglasses. So that's very... You have a very good prize pack for you today just for waiting for me to use that word. It'll happen sometime between now and 10. And I do not decide when it happens. Actually, Sienna does. Pull the curtain back. Tell you. So whenever she has decided that's going to happen is when it will happen. Oh, let's see. Oh, real quickly. If you would like to play golf with Woods and Jay for a good cause, golf for the kids.
Go to MikeyShow.com and put your name in. It's an auction item. You can golf with them. And it would be very, very cool for you to do that. Make it right. That's right. Do it. They're fun guys. Yeah, we are. They're fun guys. Guaranteed good times. Jay will probably have a bottle of tequila on him. I will be designated driver. I like your plan. All right, you ready? This woman's name is Pia Toscano. Can't make that up. I'm not making it up. Her real name, it's Pia Toscano. Now, this is the top 12 for the women she's in. And they have top 24 right now. So this is, you know, getting to the good part of the show. Now, I said it was going to be blasphemy in the woods. And we'll see. You know what she's going to sing, Woods? What? I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders. Oh, dude, that is such a good song. That's going to be tough to beat. Here we go. Judge is freaked out. I may tear up. Just FYI. Chicks good. Really good. Jennifer Lopez closing her eyes. It's almost tearing up. Boy, I'm so jealous. Man, I don't like that.
Yeah, it is. That's the problem, I think, for me. But it's really good. She's a good singer. Yeah. I just picture Michael Irvin out in the crowd wearing a yellow mustardy yellow suit. Yeah, girl! Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. And I do not say this very often, man. She was the real deal. No doubt about it, man. She was the real deal. The mustard yellow suit is identical. It's perfect. That girl was so good, I almost snorted her. You know, my mom told me the other day, and it shocked me because my mom has watched...
every season of American Idol. She loves American Idol. And she was real nervous about the new judges. She said she likes Steven Tyler better than Simon Cowell. I mean, likes J-Lo more than Paula. So she said this was like her favorite season. She loves the new judges. I'm hearing people coming around more on everybody. Yeah. When they first came out, people were like, oh my, because nobody likes change. You know what I mean? Yeah. But people are in now. They're not awkward tension between them. They get along. It's nice. Well, good is good. Yeah, she was good as good. You know what I mean? I think it was a great Sheryl Crow that once said, good is good and bad is bad. So, gosh. That's deep. It's profound. It's really profound. It's deep and makes my wife vomit. I loved that version, but it's no Chrissy Hynde, I don't think. Yeah, I agree. It started out really well and then it got too Celine Dion. It's very Celine Dion. It's very Celine-ish. Selenish. Anything for Selenish. Now I have to hear that. Sorry. I do. Oh, I know. I'm with you. My wife despises Sheryl Crow like I despise the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And I don't get it. I get it. Her voice is beautiful. I don't care that her lyrics are vapid. She's cute. She certainly knows when bad is bad. Does she? How dare you.
I fell right for it. I fell right into it. She created that right now like a Vietnamese hole with bamboo, sharp bamboo sticks, punchy sticks with human fecal matter on them. And I fell right into it. That's what they used to do. And I was like... In fact, she's just eating your body right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this part right here is so good. Oh, my gosh. I'm short of breath. I'm short of breath. I'm short of breath. It literally takes my breath away. I really like it. I don't like the helium effect. You know, every day is a winding road. I just want to unplug her nose and just go. I like it. I like it, too. It's unfair. I like some of her stuff. Every day is a winding road. I like it. That's a good song. It is. Let's see. So listen to this. Sienna says.
Did you put back, I want the Argentine thing. Did you put it back? No, I didn't know. Okay, well, I'm going to tell the story. That was my recap yesterday. I know. Can I tell the story? Of course. Do you want me to print that for you? No. Okay. See, I remember it. Sienna has a friend that lives in Argentina, originally from here, right? Yeah. She did the study abroad thing, fell in love, and now has lived there for years in Argentina, Buenos Aires. Marrying an Argentine guy. Easy, Mikey. Buenos Aires. She's going to marry a guy that's from there. Yeah, he just proposed this last weekend. I remember him from your wedding because when I got dinner, L.O.B. was just reminding me of my own... I was just making sure you knew. I was just making sure I knew. He did something that thrilled both L.O.B. and I. L.O.B. and I were standing in line for dinner. Now, he's only been, this is his second time in America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we have to give him a little bit of a break on this story. He's the sweetest. He is. No, no, no, no, no. It was. Very good looking. Cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were in line to get dinner at your wedding. Okay. Weird. Delicious food all around. Thank you. And there was a little pasta station.
And I wanted pesto. Weird. And so they put the pasta on my plate and they poured pesto on it. And he was standing in front of me. L.O.B. was behind me. And he turned around and he looked at my plate and he went, ha, ha, ha, pesto. He's so sweet. The guy doesn't stop smiling. He like sniggled it at me like, ha, ha, pesto. Yeah. He's never seen it before probably. And we, and we. We thought that was the greatest thing. It's so good. We've done it ever since. Ever since when the word pesto comes up, LLB will go, ha ha ha, pesto. Well, anyway, they're getting married and she was at Sienna's wedding. In my wedding. She was in the wedding. Very sweet. Also gorgeous girl. Well, guess what? She's getting married now and asked Sienna to come to the wedding. Argentina. Argentina. Destination wedding, eh? I spoke with her yesterday and she gave me all the details. And she said that this is one thing I was like, she said, I don't think I'm going to have bridesmaids because I know just a flight down there is over a grand. And I'm like, oh, my God. You know, and it's 11 and a half hour flight. Yeah, I have to go. She was in my wedding. Not only was she in my wedding, but her now fiance flew to be at my wedding, too. Hey, baby.
Make sure you tell her that if she don't come, she's a freaking monster. I know. Make sure you tell her I was a starving college student when I bought plane tickets to come to her freaking way. It's true. I'm still paying off. We are still paying off the trip to go to Hardware. They had to pay in pesos. Yeah, pesos. So it's double. Four million. Four hundred and fifty million pesos, man. But he came and he didn't complain and they paid it and they were there and they were, you know, they got us a gift. They feasted on pesto. Mingling with the guests. Oh, my gosh. So I have to go. If you don't, you're a monster. She said, I understand if you can't bring Sage, but I'd love to see her. That means don't bring your kid. No, she wants to see Sage and she wants to see Jenna. I think it was a subtle hint. You can get a babysitter. Don't pull that excuse. No, she's so sweet. She understands, you know, which makes me feel even more like a monster because she's so sweet about it. Listen, I have a theory. She knew he was going to propose.
She wanted you at her wedding, so she came to your wedding to ensure that you would be at her wedding. She wouldn't have missed my wedding. She doesn't seem like a calculating person. No, she's not. For the three minutes that I talk to her, I can tell you. Lauren and Juliet, it hurts her name, Juliet, would be like the best of friends. There's a lot of love. Very sweet. Well, it's a meeting. I know, man. Have fun in Argentina. It's an 11-hour flight. Am I doing news for like a week? Perfect. No. I don't know. It's a year away. Don't spin Mikey out, please. I have a year. Too late. I'll just do the news. I know. It's so good when I do it. It will be fine. What's going on? I have no idea. I'll make it a long weekend, maybe. Yeah. Don't worry. That's 23 hours of flight time. Just FYI. Oh, my God. I've never. That's a long, long flight. Pesos. Here I come. Let's see. Converting money. Visas. Looking at the recaps. Wood's talking about his Little League team again. Is that a problem? What he made for dinner. Every day the score is Little League team. Is that right? Scoreboard does not lie, though. Scoreboard doesn't lie. Hey, here's what... Scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. Yeah, we tied last night. Did you? Yeah. We blew a five-run lead. Shut up.
Stop. Move forward. My team struck out 15 times. Winning. I'm the worst coach ever. Are you? Yes. Shut up. Shut up. I yelled at the umpire, too. You did? Oh, yeah. Why? Balls and strikes. Oh. Easy time, Elisardo. Seriously. What are you, blind? I got him real good. Kid up in his face? No, no. From a distance. From the third base coaching box. I have a kid on my team that's really short. And the first pitch was at his eyes. Mikey. First pitch was at his eyes. He called it a strike. Next pitch was at his shoe tops. He called that a strike. And I'm like, hey, dude, those aren't strikes on him. Next pitch was right down the middle. He took it for strike three. And I ran by. I go, hey, you got one out of three right, Blue. One out of three. Blue. Blue. I love that bit. Blue. Hey, dude. This is not semi-professional baseball caliber umping. That's true. You have to remember that. We do have the semi-pro umpires. Woodsy, for those of you that are new listening to Mikey Show, Woodsy plays in a semi-pro baseball league. Not semi-pro. It's semi-professional. Paid to play. No. Not anymore. They're sponsored by a bar. If you weren't sponsored, you would be paying. Let's call a spade a spade. Go ahead. It's a pay-to-play adult baseball league.
Fee has been waived because they've been lucky enough to have a sponsor. Because we're that good. Tipsy Crow. Woods. It's not semi-pro. Not semi-pro. It's almost professional. Does your team have a physical therapist? Actually, the guy on our team, his name's Adam. He plays shortstop. He is an acupuncturist. So, yes, we do. You do. So you do have a... What's the first thing that you bought with your first paycheck from the team? Well... How much was the check for? We don't really get paychecks, but since I didn't pay, I had an extra probably a couple hundred bucks. So I think I probably bought some snuff and I probably got gas from my car. Baller. Yeah, big time. And probably some KFC. There you go. Well, good for you. That's not bad for a day's work. Definitely in your pocket. That's not bad. And you know what? Kid works hard out there in that field. Am I right? Absolutely. When that game is over and you go into the locker room and you shower up. I don't shower that. Do you just put your head against that tile wall and just let that hot water? Well, we're locked out. It's at a high school, and we're actually locked out of the high school on the weekends. We're not allowed to go into the high school. But what I do is I take my cleats off. Okay. I drive home in my uniform and my socks. And then right when I get home, I do shower. Do you do shower up? I sometimes will sit in the shower and put my head between my legs. And just let that water.
Roll over. What about the press conference afterwards? What do you wear? Do you go uni or do you get into a suit? Define press conference. We don't really do. There's not a lot of press. Well, I guess technically I'm in the press. You're in the press. So when I drive home, oftentimes in my head, I'll replay the game in my head and talk to myself about kind of how I did. You're interviewing yourself. Sometimes I do get audio of our players. And we just wear our uniforms if that's the case. The life of a semi-pro baseball player, huh? Yeah. Sometimes it can be a real grind. It really is. It is a grind. It is a grind, but it's fun. L.O.B. went to Target yesterday. Weird. She said she spent too long in there. Weird. Weird. Too much money, probably, too. Oh, yeah. Came out and was trying to find her car. You are fantastic. I can picture all of it. I can picture you spending too long in Target, coming out, not knowing where your car is. I think I need to be on Ritalin. Write that down. I cannot focus.
After seven minutes of scouring the parking lot, she's convinced her car's stolen. She's convinced. This is it. My nightmare has come true. It's gone. And right before panic mode, she realized that she was looking for her old car. And she's just purchased a newer car. Oh, wow. Idiot. Everyone does that. Don't feel bad. Maybe not everyone. Not everyone. But I'm just trying to make her feel better. Thank you. Me and Jay, I'm sure. Jay, for sure, walks out of the grocery store and doesn't remember where he put his car. I do not remember where I put my car. Me neither. I can see my car when I walk out of the store. But if he can't see it, I guarantee he's squinting. Yeah. Where'd my truck? Jasper, where'd I park my car, you bunch of hillbillies? Jasper, where'd I park the wagon? I don't know, Daddy. Where did you tie up Betsy? I thought she was in row four. There's only a lot of horses in one area. Well, hell, I don't know, Dad. Well, what should we do, son? I don't know, but I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in two days. Call the sheriff, I guess. I'm fine. I ain't calling him again. You're going to have to call the sheriff because I ain't calling him. He said I call him again. It's the third time this week, and we get an infraction.
Fair enough, but... Well, have Mama call him. Have Liberty call him. Jasper doesn't talk like that. Jasper doesn't. I don't talk like that. Jasper, don't you? Jasper, what? You know if I tell Mama that... Mama? Hey, Rebecca, where did I park the car? Where's the car, Rebecca? Don't make me tell you again. Where's the car? Jay told me the cutest story about Jasper this morning. You have to say it. Is it okay? Yeah, it's fine. Usually when we go up to Big Bear, that's where Kim and Jasper are going to Big Bear today to go snowboarding. So when we go there, we usually get vouchers for food. Weird. And so Jasper comes up to me and he goes, you know, I'm going to get you something nice tomorrow. I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, with my vulture. I'm going to pick you up something real good. He calls it a vulture. A vulture. Oh, my gosh. But listen, Jay. I'm like, you're not going to get a. I didn't correct him. He didn't correct him. I didn't correct him because it was so cute. I was like, there's too many things that have disappeared. So the rest of his life is going to be the vulture. Like father, like son. Absolutely. I'm going to get you a vulture. I could.
Could you picture Jay calling a voucher of ultra? I guarantee he has. Rebecca does that. She didn't want me to correct either. And I like Jay is on the same boat as Rebecca. You got it. You got Jake calls it chocolates. Chocolates. He wants a chocolate. And Rebecca thinks it's so cute. I'm like, bub, it's chocolate. Chocolates. And he'll say, after a few times he'll get it right, and she goes, don't. Don't. Yeah, I agree. So sweet. It all happens too fast. You have to. They'll figure it out at one point. They'll figure it out. Come on. Yeah, when they get beat up in school for saying stuff weird. Calling it a chocolate. It's so cute. 570-1949 if you would like to play Tom Tom Tunes, because we're going to play Tom Tom Tunes. The Tom Tom Girl is with us right now. Hello, Mikey. Hello, Tom Tom Girl. You're a GPS device. That is correct. And so your inflection is not the best. Not exactly my key. And so what she'll do is she'll read the lyrics to three songs, and we'll go one by one, and you just have to try to figure out what song it is. Title or artist will work. Jay, what's the prize today? We're going to hook them up with the Surf Diva Surf Class. There you go. So call us right now, 570-1949. We need three players.
Guy or girl, you get to go to the Surf Diva class. If you're a guy, it's cool because girls are teaching you to surf. If you're a girl, it's cool because girls are teaching you to surf and you don't have to be self-conscious. Also, Scarlett Johansson is single again. I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm going to cut it. She's so upset about this. She's dating a tool. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That was wrong. That was wrong of me to say it. I need to be different. And I disagree with you, by the way. You're hurt, sad, and fearful. I'm hurt. I'm sad. Yeah. Scarlett Johansson is dating someone, and it's a big star. Charlie Jane. It's not. It's not Charlie. Charlie, it's not you. It's not you. Hello? It's not you. Drugs, bro. Naughty. All right.
So when we come back, we'll tell you who that is, and we'll also play some Tom-Tom times. Bring it. Winning. What is that? Flo Rida. Did you already send him? No. Where did you get that? Over there. What? Oh, dude. Is that mine? It was. I ate that yesterday. Ew. What? What? I'm hungry. Sienna, do you know what he's doing? Eating a burrito. That I ate yesterday and left there. Don't worry about it. Oh, my gosh. Still just taking a bite like no problem. That was left out overnight, Woods. That's good. It has eggs, doesn't it? No. It's a bean burrito. It's a bean. Yeah. Is it?
No, there's eggs in there. Is there? He doesn't even look. I'm starving. You picked up a burrito. Yeah. Heated it up. And I'm putting Frank's on it. You put it in the microwave. Put that S on everything. Yeah, put it in the microwave. It's delicious. Should have put it in a toaster oven. Well, we don't have that much time. What? You just pick up food and eat it when you don't know how old it is or where it came from? Do you know aardvarks don't do that? How do you know what aardvarks do? Because I can just tell that they're... He watches Discovery Channel. I can tell that an aardvark has evolved to the point where they know not to take a stray burrito and stick it in the microwave. Which is more of a raccoon. I'm more of a goat. No, dude. Raccoons are like, I'm not going to do that. It's filthy. At least they wash their food. It's really good. It was your lunch. Yesterday. Yeah. It's okay. Won't hurt you. It will. It won't hurt you. No, by definition it will. I promise you I won't. I'll be fine. It actually looks pretty good. It doesn't. Oh, it doesn't. Is that gross? You know what it looks like? It looks hard. It's not. Well, the edges are very crisp. I feel like by smelling it, I'm going to get food poisoning. Yeah. You know what makes me mad? Look at what he eats. He smokes. He doesn't get sick. Copenhagen doesn't get sick. Yep.
Yeah, his immunity. I thought about it the other day. Did you? It's not fair. Well, I thought about how you don't really get sick that often. I'm not Sally. I think what it is is that your immune system is good at fighting off stuff because it's got to do it on a regular basis. He will pick up people's empty water bottles and drink from them. Listeners from Fridays. People that come in and speak. About the Secret Service. Yeah. Or just drinking old man's water. That was my favorite. I died. I picked up an old man from the Secret Service's water that he left and just drank it after his mouth was on it. Old man slobber in your mouth. He'll take stuff after I've had it, you know, for breakfast and he'll go, you done with that? And I go, yeah. And he goes, don't throw it. And he'll eat it. Iron stomach. If I take something from somebody, I have to take a knife and cut off the part where their teeth work. Come on. I don't want their slime from their teeth. Ew, yeah. I don't want to eat that. You guys, that's insane. I don't want the film from their teeth on the thing I'm eating. There's no teeth film on it. Yeah, of course there is. No, there's not. There's not. It won't hurt you. Oh, it'll hurt my mind knowing that I did it. That's not going to hurt you. Woods lets his dog drink water from his mouth.
Like he's a fountain or something. He should go to prison for that. I know. I know. He opens his mouth. We've been in the car before and Penny Bell has needed a drink of water. And we didn't have like a receptacle. So I'll just do this. I'll go. And she'll drink it from my mouth. Take it easy, buddy. Great demonstration. She'll drink it from my mouth. She's my dog. She licks her butt. She does too. She's a dog. It licks other dogs. It licks other dogs. They're not doing butt licking in my house. They are, bro. They're dogs. That's what they're doing. That's what they're doing right now. Did you send them to school tonight? Yes. You did. I did. You did. Dogs' mouths are cleaner than your mouth. That's not true. It's a bit. It's not a bit. You know who else is a bit? Allergies is a bit. Getting sick from people's teeth film is a bit. It's not a... That's a bit. It's just gross. Teeth film, ew. Yeah, but we've all done creepy, dirty things.
In the bedroom that nobody freaks out about. You know what? That's a human being. So what? It's a dog. It's a canine. It's a burrito. It's delicious. We're talking about burrito. But you wouldn't make love to Mike. Wouldn't he? Wouldn't I? No. I'm uncomfortable. That was really awkward. You found a burrito. Overnight. Overnight burrito. Overnight burrito. The old OB. There were eggs in it. Yeah. Beans, eggs. Sitting out. Bacon. It's a Mikey's question. It was a king-size breakfast. How dare you? He got the Prince portion of it. Yeah. I had a Prince-size breakfast. A Popper's breakfast. So gross. Oh, gross. It's not gross. Mike, maybe you throw away your food. Maybe you don't waste food. No, but you're homeless and starving children. I left it. I left it to prove a point. Point proven? Didn't work, apparently. Hey, you can keep leaving food out. I'll keep eating it. M1, Andy from Vista, how are you? Okay, so here's how the game works. We're going to have the Tom Tom Girl read you the lyrics, and all you have to do is give this title artist a win, but it isn't easy. You've got 20 seconds starting now. You put the boom boom into my heart. You ascend my soul sky high when your loving starts. Jitterbug into my brain.
Goes a bang, bang, bang until my feet do the same. But something is bugging you. Something is not right. Title or artist to win. That's difficult. I got no idea. Well, you can try. I'll give you a try. I thought you were done. I'll just yell out Radiohead and hope. Real close. It was Wham. Very close. Who was the yeah, yeah in there? Yeah, yeah. I think it was actually a bunch of black ladies. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Just call them ladies. I liked Wham. I didn't like that one. What? I think it's funny. I liked Careless Whisper. I think it's funny that nobody thought that guy was gay. I know. Nobody knew. I thought he was getting ladies all over the place. Me too.
Wearing white jeans real good. A lot of snapping going on. Yeah, I know. We didn't figure it out. Guy had a 5 o'clock shadow like Don Johnson. Yep. Wore mirrored glasses, but we were like... Frosted tips. I don't know. Frosted tips. White jeans and kids. Yeah. Poor ladies. Guy's straight. Yeah. That guy closes business, all right? Well, he closes it all right. He closed business. Shut up. Anyway. Oh, wow. M1 Hardbody from Encinitas. How are you? What's up? I'm good, thanks. Thank you. Sorry. Sienna just had a moment. Sorry. All right, so TomTomGirl is going to read you some lyrics, and you've got 20 seconds starting now. Just going to stand there and hear me cry, but that is all right because I love the way you lie. I cannot tell you what it really is. I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now there is a steel knife in my windpipe. I cannot breathe, but I still fight. Can you give me title or artist on that hard body? Wow. You got this. You got this. Great guess. Eminem. I thought that was guaranteed you didn't get that one. I can't tell you what it's really like. I can only tell you what it feels like. And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe. I wanted to try that once in my life. As you should. One time in my life, I wanted to try that. You know that your wife loves Eminem, and you've done that at home before. I didn't know the words. You will know. Now I will. Now I know the words. I'm sorry about that, hard body. Thanks. All right, man. My apologies. M1 Neal from OB. How are you? Oh, wow.
Oh, boy. Robots are disqualified. Oh, wow. Uh-oh. I take that personality, Todd. Did Jay just say disqualified? Jay just said disqualified. He just said disqualified. He just said disqualified. Oh, my gosh. Is he in the bathroom? What is going on? What are you doing, dude? Are you there? Hold on. I have you on Bluetooth. Oh, that's so much more disappointing. That was really weird. Hey, Neil, how you doing? We got Satan on the phone, dude. You are disqualified. You're disqualified. All right, let's give this a try, dude. We're just going to have you listen to these lyrics. All right. Are you ready? Yes! Okay, you got 20 seconds to figure out what the TomTom girl is reading in terms of lyrics starting now. Cat, this party started on a Saturday night. Everybody's waiting for me to arrive. Sending out the message to all of my friends. We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz. I got lots of style. Got my gold diamond rings. I can go for my lace if you know what I mean.
What do you think, dude? Can you tell us? That's a good guess. That's actually a very good guess. It was not Katy Perry. It's pink. My brain went, we need some secret deodorant. As I hear this, I'm like, we need secret deodorant. We need to hand it to her. It's funny you can say that because in the video, she smells her own armpit and shakes her head no. She does? Mm-hmm. It's filthy. That's filthy. Do you think Pink has ever spit? Oh, my God. On the street. She just did right now. Do you think she's ever watched? Do you think that Pink has ever watched television and farted? Do you think that Pink has ever buttercuped herself? Do you think that Pink has ever done a keg stand? She's ever taken a kickboxing class.
You think she's ever pulled dirty clothes out of a hamper to wear? You think she's signed up for an auto body class? You think she owns a beer bottle? Guaranteed. You think she has her own mustache wax kit? Does she have a koozie? Oh, wow. Has she ever worn the same underwear four days in a row? Guaranteed. Guaranteed. Excuse me. So disgusting. Has she ever picked her nose neatness? You think she ever burps after drinking a nice cold beer? Yeah. Budweiser. Has Pink ever burped to impress a boyfriend? Has she ever used her mouth as a toenail clipper? Too far? Oh my gosh. Holy cow. And the answer is yes. Yes. All of the above. She's about to be a mother. All right, so here's the deal with the Scarlett Johansson thing.
Oh, God. How dare she? Scarlett Johansson. Yeah. Uh-huh. Is apparently dating? Drum roll, please. Sean Penn. Oh. Ian. Ian. Yes, Ian. He's a pig. Is he? He's not. I don't know anything about him being a pig. Yeah, I don't think that was my deal. What do you mean? Like. I've read all kinds of stuff about him. He's just not very. That's pretty true. Yeah. People that have dealt with him firsthand. You know. talking about how he's just not very smart and not very nice. He's smart. Well, he's like smart, yeah. He's just not very nice. He's just not smart. He's not very nice to the people around him. And he's smart, but it's... He's not very smart. Oh, he's a D. Well, he's smart. He's a D. He's a total D. I believe that. I believe that, too. Yeah, I mean... I don't like Sean Penn because I think he takes himself a little too seriously.
He definitely does. I really like his work, though, his craft and his art. He's twice her age. She's 26. He's 50. Yeah. That's why I don't like the situation because I'm like, well. Are we talking about Jersey Shore? No, the situation at hand because Scarlett Johansson can have anybody. Why Sean? Why? No, he can't. I bet he can't. Well, apparently he can't. Obviously he can't. Scarlett Johansson. ScarJo. Dude, he is top five all time. Greatest actors. I mean, he's just phenomenal. What? Absolutely. Woods. Oh, yeah. That's a bold. That's not bold at all. That is not even close to bold. He is top five actors of all time. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Of all time. Yes, of old time. I think he's good. Just because he's a good actor doesn't change the way he looks with his clothes off. Well, right. I'm seeing beside the point. We are now going to speak with the actor who brought us Jeff Spicoli. Boy, you got to go to there. I am Sam. Yeah, I am Sam. Mystic River. Guy's brilliant. Brilliant actor. You ever see Milk? Yeah. You ever see Milk? He's genius.
You could do that, what he did. I could not. I could not. No. Couldn't you? No. He's good. Neither could you, neither could anybody in this building. He's really good. I just don't know about top five. Yeah. He's good. He's in my top. Okay, I'll say he's in Steve Wood's top five actors of all time. Well, would you like to know what he and Scarlett were spotted doing? Oh, yeah. Oh, please. They left on a private jet from Van Nuys Airport Tuesday morning. Then, that evening, they were in Cabo San Lucas, spotted dining pictures of them all over. A lobster dinner. Went back to L.A. Wednesday morning. Gross kisses. Gross. Smelly hands. Gross lobster kisses. Lobster kisses. No, I bet they did not. Breath made? Yeah. I bet they didn't have breath made. They washed it down with margaritas. It kills the smell. Still lobster-y. Gross. Wouldn't you kiss Scarlett Johansson after she ate a lobster? I would. Sure you would. You would. Yeah, I mean, I think anybody would, but at the same time, it's still lobster-y. Gross, man. Haven't you been on a date to have sushi and stuff? Listen, you can't. There's certain stuff you should not have on a date. Lobster's one of them. So is Mexican food. Fishy stuff is disgusting, man. If you both eat it, it cancels out. Yeah, that's true. Well, there's pictures of them all over, and in some she has her legs.
Draped over his and just all cuddly. Love it. Yeah. Again, Sean Penn, 50. Scarlett Johansson, 26. Not better than Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds is the top of the top. Sharply. Good looking and so funny and nice, I can tell. Yeah. She had chemistry with Bradley Cooper in that movie. They should be dating. He's with Renee's hell. Come on. Who would you hear she's dating and you'd be like, I'm cool with that. Irritates me she's dating Sean Penn. It doesn't bother me, man. I think it's, you know, those young. I like, it doesn't bother me, the young women, the older guy. That doesn't bother me as much as the fact that it's Sean Penn. I like Sean Penn. He's violent and beats up, you know. I like that dude. Ever just have daddy issues? You like that? I like him. I like him. I've always liked him. You like that he beats up. No, he does his own. He does his own thing. He's not perfect. He is a human. So, you know what? When you're human, occasionally you beat photographers up. Yeah, absolutely.
I just wanted to show you the picture of one of them together. Let me see it when you're done. It looks like they're in different buildings. No. They're on the beach. Caught by a paparazzi. Looking angry. Does she ever just blast cigs? She does too. Laying in bed. Lobster and cigarettes. Lobster and cigs. I love him. I always have. I just have always liked the guy. What if she was with John Mayer? He's probably had her. He probably had her. She's on the bedpost. That's a really tactful way to put it. They had sex, I think. Notch in the bell. Here, tell me who this is. Here we go. If I were at a record label and I played that, I would instantly press stop, take it out, throw it away. Agreed. Agreed. I'm just being honest. You know, I always tell you, if I like something, I usually go, you know what? Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. You are very honest and don't care what people think about you when it comes to the music. Yeah. Now, that one, you know, because I think part of the reason that I, part of the reason I enjoy, you know, the whole music thing, and I'll even go for some of the real feminine sounding stuff, is because I like.
to pick what will be successful. There's something about me that likes to pick, oh, that'll work. That to me, I would eject it and throw it away. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Why? What about it didn't strike you? There was nothing about it that was special. Okay. There wasn't something special. I want to understand the brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I like it. The production and the beat and the singing. It was like I thought in my head there's probably 60 girls in Phoenix right now that I can get that from. Great point. One in your studio right now. Yeah. There she is. Here, I'll give you some effect. Let me give you some effect, LB. You ready? Yes. Go ahead. Do me up, do me up, do me up, do me up, do me up, do me up.
See? Wow. Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all day. That's it. I'll be here all day. Literally all day. That was Kim Kardashian. Figured. It was a song called Jam, Turn It Up, and it was produced by The Dream. Can I hear more of it? Yes. Do you have more? Yep. Are they playing the jam? I think they must be. Are they playing the jam? That was fantastic. I'm telling you, I liked L.O.B.'s better. To me, yeah. You had to get the dance on that I was doing to make it work. Yeah, you did. No, that was awful. I'll admit it. That was awful. It was so bad. That's terrible. Let's see. Maybe you stick to...
Doing stuff that you're good at. Wait, what would that be? Slaying black guys, athletes, you know. Being pretty. She's good at that. Yeah. I think she's beautiful. Having a giant butt. Yeah. Be good at that. Hey, you know what? I will say that about Kim Kardashian. In terms of beauty, I do think that she's rare. Oh, yeah. I think that she's rare. And it's a special beauty. I don't think it's the kind of beauty you see every day. Yeah. I think it's very different. I have three words for you. Black, hairy arms. Stop it. She does not. And that's it. That's all I'm going to say. I bet she has them lasered off. Oh, yeah. She probably has a mustache real good. She goes to the same place that I got my tattoo laser removal done. I had to count them, but I have five words. Okay. Face makes up for it. Pretty face. That's five, yeah. She's gorgeous. Black hairy arms, though. Definitely black hairy arms. No way. There's a lot of pretty girls out there, though. I'm okay with the black hairy arms. I've seen pictures of her without makeup on, and I actually think she's prettier without any makeup on. And I don't know why she piles it on. It's gross. You're out on Kim Kardashian? I'm not out on her, but I mean, I think she's very pretty, but I do think that she has black hairy arms. No, she doesn't. You're imagining it. No, I think she does. I'm almost positive. Even if she did, she got them lasered off. Yeah. She's had it taken care of. She takes care of business. Yeah. Very well groomed. Primped. Yeah.
Lindsay Lohan was on Extra. This, I think, might surprise a lot of people. Lindsay Lohan, the chef? I love to cook. Really? I cook every night. What do you like to cook? I cooked... Heroin, mac and cheese. Heroin, mac and cheese. Where did you get this talent? I don't know. It's freeing. It's therapeutic for me. Not enough. Sometimes I look at a tattoo on my wrist that says breathe and I just do that and then I cook and make some mac and cheese. Your tattoo says what? Breathe. It does? Yeah. Did not know that. It's a reminder. Breathe. To remind you to breathe. Thank you, Tattoo. Without that tattoo. Thank you, Tattoo. I might forget. You might forget. Thank you, Tattoo. Yeah. You're welcome. She sits on her arm. Reminder. Tattoo, do you like to cook? I love to cook. Every once in a while, I have my assistant put me in his baby arm and hold me by the stove.
My favorite thing to cook is an omelet. What kind? Doesn't matter. I love it all. And he will walk me over to the chopping board and I will chop a little piece of ham. Do you like it with a lot of toppings or just pretty plain? I will take it anywhere I can get it. Sure you don't like the plain? Yeah, sure. Oh, you're sucking me up. I was trying to. I was trying to belt high fastball for you. I like my omelets plain. Look. The plain. The plain. With enthusiasm, please, tattoo. That's what we're here for. You know, L.O.B., do you know how many times in my life people... do that to me on the street. They just set me up for it. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. I know, but it gets old. It gets to the point where you're like, okay, with the plane, all right. That's your bit. Go back to all the other projects you were offered there. I was offered plenty of jobs that I turned on. Okay. Have fun with that. I was supposed to be the role that Jonathan Lipnicki played.
In Jerry Maguire. You were a little kid? 87 by then. Well, they were going to put makeup on me, blonde wig, and a little glasses. The audition tape, would you like to hear it? Absolutely. Do you know that bees and dogs can smell fear? Did you know? Did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds? Wow. I'm surprised you didn't get the role. I know. I'm blown away. Impressive. I was also auditioning for the role of Home Alone. Macaulay Culkin got it. Macaulay Culkin ended up with that role instead. Oh, boy. I was supposed to play Frankie in A Christmas Story. You'll put your eye out. But I didn't get the Ralph. Ralphie? That freaking Ralphie. Frankie. Frankie, Ralphie. Same difference. What, are we just critics now? I'm the fact checker of the show. I guess so, man. Ralphie, you'll put your eye out. Shut up, mom. I bought my own team.
What is this? This is good. Fort Minor. Except for this one. Oh, the whole thing is good. All right. When we return, Jay, the old man that does science. She said some days I feel like shit. Oh, sorry. Dang it. Hey, Jay, what are we doing? Dang it. I forgot about that. I mean, can you give us a hint? Yeah, I've got a self-carving pumpkin. But it's actually a watermelon, so it's a self-carving watermelon. Okay. Will find it. Can I give you a Neptune arrow? You're good? I'm nervous for this. I'm going to do Jay the old man that does science. Oh, boy. Our phone number is 570-1949. Jay has created a jingle for Jay the old man that does science. It's catchy. Jay's the old man who does science. Oh, wow. He's the old man with technology. The old man who does science. The old man with technology. He blinded me with science. Oh, wow. But he failed in biology. That's it. It just ends there. That's it. There you go. There it is. Well, wonderful. Jay, can you talk in that microphone? Make sure it's working. How's this? That is.
Perfect. All right, so let me describe what we have here. Jay, again, wearing his white lab coat and protective goggles. He has in front, and this is all being videotaped, we'll put it on our website, mikeyshow.com. What I see on this table is, I see a bottle of water. What is that next to the bottle of water? That's a knife. A knife. A knife that I used. I carved open a pumpkin. I mean a pumpkin, a watermelon. And I took all the insides out. Okay. So it's a hollowed out watermelon. Hollowed. Okay. And then you got some matchsticks. Got some matchsticks. Put them on a long. I learned the hard way that it's good to put them on a long. Get you far away from the. Inside of the watermelon? So you've attached the matches to a long stick that's about a foot long. Yeah, skewer. And you've written an M on the... That's not going to be where you want to stand today. You can leave the camera there, though. It's going to be a good zone for the blasting zone for it. The blasting zone. I just...
Wait, let me get my stuff out of the way. My heart just fell on my stomach. Your stuff will be fine. You drew an M on the watermelon because you want the watermelon to be me. No, what I want to do is I want the M to explode out of the watermelon. It's a self-carving watermelon. Are you kidding me? It can do that? Yeah, it's about to. It's just about to happen. It's going to explode out what you've drawn. No way. And he's got a fire extinguisher, by the way. Well, you know, better safe than sorry. Oh, my gosh. Better safe than sorry. All right. So I've got a secret ingredient inside that I won't tell you what it is. Okay. And then just plain water. And when we're ready to go, now Chris is taking pictures of the secret ingredient. Way to go, Chris. Great. You know what? You're fired. All right? That's it. That's it. Why don't you come stand right up up front here? Yeah. Why don't you just put your head right in front of it? And take my shirt off. So I need the 20-second counter. All right. So let me get ready. I'll tell you when. Oh, my God. He's pouring water into a hollowed out watermelon. He is now putting... There we go. Why is it not playing? The timer's going. You're 15 seconds away. You're almost there. Three, two, one. Now he's lighting the long match. He's about to take...
and put it inside it. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. The whole thing kind of blew up, but you can kind of see the M. Can I eat this now? Give me my M. Holy cow, dude. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, my heart. That firework just exploded in my face. Oh my gosh. That watermelon. There's your M. Wow. The M did perfectly come out of the watermelon. I think by waiting for the timer a little too long there to start whenever we miss time. Oh, yeah. Mike. But anyway, that's a self-carving watermelon. Oh, my gosh. Oh, me too. My heart is pounding so hard. My ears.
I never knew that I would love this bit as much as I do. So good. My heart. Oh, look at the picture that Chris got. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. It's like a huge flame. There's no flame. Look at the picture. Oh, my God. Chris gets a raise. Can we just hire Chris, please? Wow. Chris, you should drop out of college. Oh, I'm just kidding. Mike, do you have steaming watermelon juice in there? What is that? That's coffee. Why is it so hot? Oh, man, that was rad. That was incredible. It smells like sulfur in here. I want to hear. I'm going to have to podcast tonight and hear how that sounded out there. I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't either. Jay, you don't want to explain how you did it? It just flew, that watermelon piece. I don't want to tell people because this is not the kind of thing you should do at home. Yeah, I don't want them to try it. So I don't want you to try it at home. Okay. I mean, you know, if you were real, insisted upon doing it. No, no, I'm not. Yeah. Holy crap. I can tell you, I've learned a lot because I've done it a bunch of times at home. And I kind of removed the hair on my knees. You can see there's no hair here on my knees. Yesterday when I was trying to figure out how to, you know, time it. Oh.
My gosh. Your poor wife. Wow. She stood out there and watched. She was like, what are you doing? Don't kill yourself. No, no. She knew I wasn't going to kill myself. I'm a professional. Come on. That was insanity. It was. Wait until you see these pictures that were taken. And the video. And the video. That thing shot across the room at a million miles an hour. I can't wait to see the video of it shooting out because we all closed our eyes and turned around. And you see. And the photograph that our National Geographic Explorer magazine photographer was able to capture, you see flames bursting out of this watermelon. National Geographic might call Chris. He may have won a Pulitzer Prize. The timing was impeccable. And he stood there in the fire and did it. Unbelievable. M1 Eli, are you there? I'm here. What was the word of the day? It was the name. That is correct. I love your enthusiasm. You are correct. That's right. You won a four-pack NASCAR Nationwide Series Ticks. You won G-Love and Special Sauce tickets, House of Blues, and a pair of Anarchy sunglasses. There you go, dude. Hang on. I like you. I love it.
There you go. Winning. My stomach hurts. I know. I was still being so nervous. All right, let's see. Charlie Sheen talking about his tiger blood. What was your emotions when the children were taken away from you? I got very focused. I told everybody, let's not get emotional. Let's not get, let nobody panics. Let's keep our anger in check. Let's just, let's just remember this moment. Let's remember how we all feel in this moment and we will harness that. and tiger blood will drip from our fangs in our quest. Did the boys know what was going on? No, and that's okay. And I comforted by when we ate an apple together, and I just did my best to run, just not make it a big deal. Because it shouldn't be for him, but guess what? For me, it is a very big deal, and it's going to get bigger every nanosecond of every day. If they're away from here for 24 hours, then I guess I'm taking a nap.
Huh. He's hard to understand. It may sound weird, but I think he reacted very well by staying calm when they took the kids because if he did freak out like most of us would, they would remember it forever. Yeah. This way, I don't think the kids will remember because he calmly put him in their car seats and didn't make a big deal as if, you know, this was a routine thing, which just sounds crazy. But for the kids' sake, seeing him freak out would have been a lot worse. I agree with you. Let's see. I got another one, too. Charlie was on the Today Show yesterday. He was also on Access Hollywood with Billy Bush, the same Billy Bush that said to me, quote, Take a breath, Mikey. When and why? It was when Lindsay Lohan first got in trouble about a year and a half, two years ago. And he was, in my opinion, Sort of not making a big deal out of it. He's a friend of the family. He's a friend of the Lohan family. And so I said, Billy, it seems kind of odd that your bit is to kind of go after the celebrities and everything. But you're not really doing that with Lindsay Lohan. And, you know, you're friends of the family. And he goes, take a breath, Mikey. Oh, wow. And I go, I'm not yelling.
You're screaming. You're screaming at him. Why are you screaming at him? I'm just talking normal. I'm not screaming. Seems like you lost your head a little bit. You kind of lost your cool. I'm practically whispering. Relax. Did you have a lot of coffee that morning? First of all, settle down. Settle down at us. Don't get rolled up again. I'm not Billy freaking Bush here. Take a breath. Take a breath. Seriously. Seriously. I have low blood pressure right now. I'm already freaked out from the exploding watermelon. You're just escalating my blood pressure. Your face is like red with rage. Smoke coming in your ears. I'm pale and I'm almost whispering. You couldn't be pale if you tried. It's true. You're Mexican. True, true. But I am not yelling. So, Billy Bush. Talking to Charlie Sheen about his porn room. And when he does watch TV, this is where it's done. Just on the other side of the kitchen and dining room, the high-tech theater reported to have another title. Is this the room known as the Porn Palace? What would you call it? Porn room? No, this has always been the movie theater. Is more made out of... Now, something tells me it has been called the Porn Palace. It has. So, I don't get it, Charlie.
Why deny that? Hello. What do you mean hello? Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Yeah. Hello. You guys aren't on the phone. We're not on the phone. Charlie, we're staring at each other. Okay. Why are you just not saying that you call it the porn palace? You do. Winning. That doesn't make any sense, though. Charlie Sheen. That's your name, yeah. Hello. Hello? I don't understand. We're looking at each other. You said hello. Winning. I know. Winning what? Charlie Sheen. Okay. You loving porn. Do you love it as much as people think you do? When one person says one thing, the media grabs it. They don't want to let it go. You know, you date 40 porn stars. You get in a fight with a porn star in a New York hotel room. You know, you got two porn stars.
five feet from me right now that are living girlfriends, and people blow that up into, I like porn. You got a porn collection of 40,000 or so pornos? Yeah, you have a room devoted to porn movies, and suddenly you love porn. You have a neon sign above that room that says Porn Palace, and people think it's called the Porn Palace. Yeah, you wear a t-shirt like I'm wearing right now that says, I love porn, and suddenly I love porn. You have a vivid video tattoo up your arm? Don't you want to set the record straight on the porn or you don't care? Well, the people that criticize it, they're probably watching more than I am, you know? Not sure what my point is there about me not liking porn or loving porn. I don't love porn. I mean, I love porn, but I don't love porn. Charlie, it's like saying this, like going, hey, Charlie, is it true that you love omelets? You know what? People probably eat more omelets than I do. It's not the question. It doesn't mean that you don't like, you don't love omelets. But I'm not saying I'm the only one that likes omelets. Charlie, is it true that you take your steak medium rare? Hello? Hello? You know what? People saying that, they probably take their steak bloodier than I do. Great. I'm just asking you. Do you like porno? I don't know. He does. Yes, he does. Do you or don't you? I don't know. Are you on a drug? Yeah. What is it? Charlie Shane.
That's not a drug. Yeah. Your kids would try it, and then they would stand over your imploded body. Like, and you couldn't handle it. Why would I implode if they tried it? You would implode and explode. And your kids would be standing over your exploded body. You said if my kids tried it. If you tried it in front of your kid, you couldn't handle it. I know, but that's not what you said, Charlie. You said if my kids. Don't worry about what I said. It's what about you said. You said if my. You said that I said that you were all right. You're not all right. That's not what you said. Your whole family is a bunch of rats. That's not what I said. All right. You're not all right. Wait a minute. Now you're quoting lines. Hello. In fairness, you're quoting lines now from mobster movies. Hello. Winning. Scoreboard didn't lie. Never does. Never has, I mean. See, it's never has. And you said never does. I'm not a professional Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen. Bye. Thank you. I'm going to hang out with these two smoking hotties. I'm going to hang out with these two smoking hotties. Scary. I want to just push things on wood and have him say different quotes. Sorry, Jamie. Oh, wow. I didn't mean it like that. Do you now? Just let your throat open. She would, too. Yeah, I know. I know.
She has a throat-slitting fingernail. Yeah, she does. She's sweet as apple pie. Yeah, don't get her to turn on you, though. Yeah, she's kind of like me. Yeah, exactly. Hey, Mikey Show, I'm sure you guys are going to laugh about this, but whatever, here goes. I've been dating a guy for about six months. I love him, he loves me, but there's something that just bugs me to death, and it's about his mother. Oh. He's still very close. Or she is still very close. Very is all capitalized. She is still very close with his ex-girlfriend. And it's driving me nuts. They're Facebook friends and post on each other's wall all the time. And there's a freaking picture of his ex in their house. Along with a postcard from her latest trip on his mother's fridge. He tells me to get over it.
But I can't. Am I being a psycho? M1 Paula. No, Paula, you're not being a psycho for the way that you feel. You feel any way you want. You just can't wipe it all over somebody's face. A.K.A. your boyfriend's. You can't tell him that it hurts your feelings? Yes, you can tell him how it makes you feel. You can't make them stop. You can't say to them, you need to tell her. You can't do that. But what you can do is say, it hurts my feelings. This is what's going on. You can tell people how you feel. You can't tell them what to do. That's true. That's wrong. And what can he do about it? You know what I mean? It's his mom. It's his mom. They're adults. He could say to his mom, I mean, not to end the relationship because she has a relationship with his ex, but he could say, you know, just be careful talking about her in front of my new girlfriend. That's not what she's complained about. That isn't even one of the things. Don't think so public about it. Yeah. I mean, be respectful. But they're friends. They have a relationship.
You can't tell your mom. Yeah, you can. Yes, I would tell my mom. I would say, I have a new person. Don't be rubbing their face in it. Sienna and L.A.P., your moms are grownups. First of all, my mom wouldn't need to be told. Yeah. What do you mean? It's common sense. Loyalty. Yeah. What if she's friends with that girl? Is she? Isn't she? She was friends with her under the premise that they were together. Then what you're saying is it was a false relationship. It never was a lie. No, but people... My belief, no, not everybody agrees with me, that when you break up with the person, the whole family breaks up with them. Agreed. And it's just one of the consequences of a breakup. That's one of the consequences for you. It should be for everybody because it's just... They weren't married. Yeah. A divorce is a little different, you know, but they weren't married. It makes... I don't know who the guy is. If the guy had, you know, if the girl broke up with him, the ex... Yeah. It makes it harder for the guy to move on if his family's keeping in touch with him. Well, he can tell her. Listen, he like L.O.B. says, heck no. I would tell my mom. My mom wouldn't need to be told. Well, but if she did, you would tell her. Yes. Mine would need to be told. Yeah, that's true. Your mom is a sweetheart. Yeah. But here's the thing. Oh, wow. My mom is a sweetheart, but she's all like, no, you didn't. Yeah. If.
That happened. You have the right to tell your mom that it hurts you. Yeah. Because it hurts your new girl. Yes. But I don't think that you tell your mom, you need to take that down. What about his response to his girlfriend? Maybe you just get over it. Quit crying about it. A D. Yeah. It's a good day. My dad has always said before Todd and I got married that if Todd and I broke up, he would still want Todd in his life. He's always told me that. Putting a postcard on the refrigerator is ridiculous. Not if you're friends with a person. No, it's ridiculous. They're not still in a relationship. Like, you really need to put it on the refrigerator? Guys, first of all, think about this. We, and when I say we, I mean all of us here on the show. We're all in our 20s, 30s, and 40s. We're not the... 70s. Yeah, well, Jay was born in the 1770s. That's true. Right in time for the Declaration of Independence. He was there for it. Yeah. He actually polished the quill in which it was signed. He sounded just bail. Yeah. He gave John Hancock a pep talk. Yeah. Before he actually went out. He needed it. He was a little down. A little depressed. You get in there. And we were still 200, 300 years away from any kind of antidepressant being invented. Anyway. The point is, is that.
If you, I forgot what the hell I was saying. Sorry, that's my fault. We are all adults. It's kind of where you are. We're in our 20s, 30s, 40s. 20s, 30s, 40s. And 70s. Yes. So we don't put pictures on our refrigerator. That's a parent thing. I do. You do? Oh, I do. You're a tacker? Oh, yeah. A magneter? My refrigerator. A magneter? Yeah, a whole refrigerator. Okay, all right. Scratch that. Delete from the record. Delete from the record. Okay, so we all do. Rebecca does it, too. Okay, so we're magnet refrigerator people. So are my parents. What's wrong with putting a magnet postcard from somebody that you really love? You don't. She doesn't really love her. That is a crock. You are a lovable girl. They could have. Sienna and L.O.B., you're a lovable girl. If I had dated either one of you broads, my mom, I guarantee, would still like you. And maybe Rebecca wouldn't like it.
But... She would hate it. You... No, it doesn't... We can still be in a relationship, me and your mom, you know? Yeah. But when you're married to Rebecca, your mom shouldn't be putting that stuff up. She would. Yeah, they're not married. They are. No, they're not married. Oh, I thought... It doesn't matter. When you have a new relationship, your mom should know not to put that stuff up in front of that girl. Yeah. She should. She shouldn't be putting it up. But if she doesn't... You should tell her. You should tell her it hurts you. Right? You shouldn't say, get that down. No, you shouldn't say, get that down. But you should say, you know, you need to be respectful. I'm in a new relationship now. She's going to see that and it's going to bum her out. So, you know, I don't mind that you talk to her, but don't be putting stuff like that up when you know we're coming over. You just said, don't be putting that stuff up. When you know we're coming over. Yeah, I think I've been on the receiving end of this. It hurts. It makes you feel like the other, like the mother wishes he was still with the other girl. Yes. I, when my wife was married before and my.
Late mother-in-law used to have her wedding pictures up in the house. And I would go over and I would move them and put them face down every time. Yeah. Every single time. I would go to that house. I would lay the pictures flat. Did you ever say anything? What did she think? Every time I came back, they were up. You never said anything to her about it. Never said a word about it. And she probably didn't like that you did that. No, I think it was a very nice hint, hint. Yeah. It was me. Was it a nice... It hurt him. It was me being a D, but I was like, I don't want to see that clown. It hurts. Gap-toothed clown. Oh, wow. With a part in his hair. It's very specific. Side or middle? Side. I do sometimes as a bit. I walk downstairs with my hair parted and I go, just do anything for you? Oh, what a jerk! That's good. I wish I had that move. It's a great move. I've got to find something I can do. It's a really good move. I don't know. what one of Rebecca's exes look like. Really? Not one of them. And bravo Rebecca for not smudging that in your face. Yeah. I'm being serious. Jamie never did. It's a well done move. Jamie would tell me that it was because she liked the pictures of Jamie, but I was like, I don't want to see this dude here. It hurt her. No, yeah, you shouldn't be showing stuff like that. But it was at her house. If you insist on keeping the relationship, maybe keep it quiet. M1, Adam from Carlsbad.
Hey, Mikey, how's it going? Good. I have to say to chime in on this topic, she has to absolutely tell her family, drop it and cut it out. He does. He does. He does. Sorry, he does. He does. Okay, well, okay, I misheard. That's exactly my situation then. I've been through the same thing. My mom actually used to bring up my ex all the time in front of my wife. It's now like, oh, did you hear Natalie used to do this? Oh, my God. And our first Christmas together. I'm enraged for your new girlfriend. She stopped by the house. And my mom invited her in for Christmas, you know, pretty much Christmas dinner. My future wife was there. Oh, my gosh. What's wrong with that? I love her still. Yeah, it's not good. Am I supposed to just forget that this person exists? I love her. Well, Mom. You know, it's hurting, you know, Melissa's feelings. Michael, why did you bring her into my life just to take her away? Well, it wasn't that, Mom. It just didn't work out. I loved her like a daughter. I know you did, but we broke up. And I'm remarried. I didn't choose to break up with her. Well, yeah, Mom, but don't you think it's going to hurt Melissa's feelings? Well, Melissa's an adult. She is, isn't it? She's got adult feelings that get hurt. If anything happened with you and Melissa, God forbid, I would still love...
Melissa as well. But it doesn't appear that you love Melissa. It appears you love Natalie. I love them both. I love Melissa more, of course. Obviously. Mom. What? Is that true? You got pictures of Natalie everywhere. I have more pictures of Melissa. We can count, Michael. You have more pictures of my current girlfriend, Melissa, than my ex-girlfriend, Natalie? Well, you guys have not been together as long. So what am I supposed to do? Give me more pictures. Mom, you know Melissa cries when we come over because she sees... Oh, wow. Oh, dear. Yeah. What are you doing at home? No, Mom. I'm saying she cries when we come over to your house because you've got all these pictures of Natalie everywhere. It's hurting her. Because of me? Well, yeah. You've got pictures of Natalie all over the place. Natalie's a nice girl. Yeah. Maybe we do something different. Am I just supposed to write off everyone that's come in and out just because of Melissa's tears? Oh, Mom. Harsh. That was a little harsh. That was a little harsh. I'm feeling hurt because you're telling me I can no longer love this young girl, that I knew her since she was 16. Wow, you're devastating, Melissa. It's a good thing Melissa's deaf because she's sitting right next to us. Oh, boy. Yeah. I can't believe this. Cursing in sign language. Yeah. Your mom's a bee. Yeah. Oh, boy. I never want to come over here again. What happened, Adam, when you told your mom that you didn't like it?
I had to go about it a real particular way because my mom is overreactive. So what I did is said, you know what, Mom, I don't care if you talk about her in front of me, but just have the common courtesy not to talk about her, you know, when my wife comes over and all this other, you know. That was an overreaction. Is your ex in a relationship now? Yeah, she actually... Does it matter? Because it seems to me... Married who? Hold on. Who? One of my old good friends, one of my tattoo artists. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's a big, sticky situation. But, yeah, I was with her for four years, and I can understand why my mom actually, you know, kind of grew a relationship with her. But when my wife came into the picture, I mean, it was a good year after we had broken up. And I didn't really care if they talked. But when it got to the point where she was always bringing her up around my wife, I just had to bring her to the office.
Off to the side. Opening Christmas presents at your house on Christmas? I could be wrong, but I just get the gut feeling. We were inside on the patio, me and my wife, and who comes in the door? Oh, my God. She was trying to sabotage you. I get the gut feeling that the ex still likes him. Oh, obviously. And, you know, I'm just saying, because I've been friends with my boyfriend's moms and stuff like that, you cut it off unless you still like that guy and are trying to win him back, and you know that his mom is a good way to do that. Yeah, you're using his mom. Christmas cards for, I think it was two years after a breakup. No, maybe it was just one year. Because I still was like, well, she always loved me and I'm going to stay in, you know. And then I was like, found out he was in another relationship and I was like, inappropriate. Yeah. I have to cut that off. And it's a shame I lost that family and I really love them. But c'est la vie. Yeah. It's part of breaking up. Wow. C'est la freaking vie. It ain't. Isolate.
Thanks for the call, Adam. Love you, man. Isolate immediately. Immediately. Immediate isolate. Oh, boy. Say la freaking me. Oh, boy. I don't know. I haven't done that. I've had girls do it. Way over on breaking. Oh, yeah. Are we? About 13 minutes. Oh, wow. Should we break? Yes, we should. It's empty in the valley of your heart. The sun, it rises slowly as you walk.
Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Garret! Mumford and Sons. I like this song. It's really good. In fact, it's great. Sienna, what's going on in news? Well, we talked about this a couple days ago during the rage on the air when we were playing the phone alerts, but I just want to give you an update on the Banksy situation. Banksy's the rat? The rat that's drawn on the outside of the bull taco. Yeah, Banksy's the artist that draws the rat outside of the bull taco on Oceanside. He's a British graffiti artist. He's a rat artist. He won an Oscar for his documentary, Exit Through the Gift. Yeah. Well, it turns out it is not a Banksy work on the outside of the bowl taco. I know. Just wanted to let you know. Also, yesterday was the unveiling of the iPad 2. Steve Jobs was there looking very skinny, but he made it. Good for him. And they unveiled the iPad 2. It costs the same as the first iPad, but it is thinner.
It is faster. It has two built-in cameras for taking pictures, recording video, and video chatting. And it also comes in white as well as black. It's got another thing that's cool about it, too. What? It has this... They're brilliant. They're brilliant. It has this cover that goes on it magnetically. And the cover is separated into three pieces. And so as soon as you pull the cover back, it wakes the iPad up. And when you let it go, it goes... And turns the iPad off. Amazing. And then you take that little cover and it bends into three parts. And you can use it as a stand. Wow. Mike, if Apple offered you a job, would you leave us? Yes. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Just a couple more things about the iPad really quick. They come in two prices, $4.99 and $8.29. And it's available on AT&T and Verizon. And the iPad 2 will go on sale. March 11th. Online. Chances, Mikey gets the 829 one. 100. No. Yes. No, no, no. I'll tell you what I compromised. Well, it wasn't a compromise. Honey, if you're listening and you want to discuss it, you can call. But otherwise, we can leave it there. But if you want, you can call. Just call. Just call. You bulldozed your way into getting an iPad. Yes.
I'll say it. You already have a second wife at work? Yep. I got two of them. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Jamie and Rebecca. I'm going to hang out with these two soaking hotties. He got you. Bring it. Winning. Women stick together. I am getting the iPad. Duh. Duh. The more expensive one. Most. There's three versions. There's a 16 gig, a 32 gig, and a 64 gig. The 64 is the 829? Yeah. Clearly you need 64. Absolutely. What are you going to do with your old one? I'd like the 64. I know you would. But I'm not going to get it. BS. I'm not. You'll get that again in six months. I'm telling you I'm getting the 32 gig. And I wish I'd get the 64. That's my wife. Yep. Yes. That's my wife calling her. I'm so sorry, Rebecca. Hello, my love. Hi. How are you, my love? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I thought we did good. We, you know, we compromised. I want to hear her side. You know, I really do. Because maybe you just kick back, turn your mic off, and let her explain. Subscribe and enjoy the show. Yeah. I want to hear Rebecca's. We all heard your side this morning. I want to hear Rebecca's side. Were you bullied?
Loaded question. Loaded question. Very loaded. Very loaded. Okay. All right. I'm sorry. Strike that from the record. Was Mike forceful or calm? You're asking her or me? I'm asking her. Oh, okay. Oh, well, he was calm. Calm but forceful. Yes. What about her? Same thing, minus the calm. She is on the defense, though. She didn't. Is Mikey an iPad rapist? Possibly. Yeah, she's not trying to spend $800. Oh, boy. More than that. I'm not even. We got in a fight about it. We don't usually fight in general, and we usually definitely don't fight about money. Technology. Technology. iPads. But we got in a fight about it yesterday. She's having an affair with Apple. Yes. Kind of, yeah. She hates Apple. She hates it. She hates my relationship with Apple. Mistress. She should. Yeah. Your house looks like an Apple store. Is there a picture of an Apple above your bed? What do you do with all the Apple boxes that you have? Jamie and I are moving in about a month. Can I have all the boxes from all the Apple products to move my entire house? Yes. I'll admit it. I enjoy Apple products. You do. Like a crazy person.
At one point during the argument, I might have said, you have every single product that Apple has ever made. And not only do you have every single product, but you have the newest version of every single product that Apple has ever made. Yes. I may have said that during our argument. She did. She said many things that were what I would term hyperbole. Or hyperbole, if Jay said it. Yeah, hyperbole. I love you. She, when Rebecca fights, she stays very calm. So do I. Silent assassins. We're both silent assassins. Scary. And she is much more sarcastic than I am. She has a cutting lip. Her sarcasm is what makes me crazy. My logic is what makes her crazy. Sounds exactly like Matt and I. Yeah. So I'll be, I will hit her with. Extreme logic. Can I give an example, babe? Sure. Sure. She said, you borrow against your allowance all the time. Right. Which is true. Which is true. Yes. She said, the last time you borrowed against your allowance, you were supposed to get your allowance back in May. But then you wanted something else.
And so then it went to June and then you wanted something else. And then it went to July. She goes, and before you know it, it's going to be like, I want a car and I'll just never have an allowance again. True. I paused. See, this is her like, you know, this was her sarcasm. And I paused and I went, okay, I'll make you an agreement. I will never want to purchase an automobile with my allowance. And she rolled her eyes and goes, I didn't actually mean that you would get a car. The allowance is clearly not for such a big purchase. Right. It's a family decision. I was illustrating a point, which was, is there an end point to this? When will it stop? When will it end? When does it stop? When does it end? You just keep adding on to, well, I want to get this. Well, I want to get this.
You know, I'll borrow against my allowance again. Space shuttle, babe. That's where it ends. I try to buy a space shuttle. In which case, I said, why do you have an allowance then, honestly? Like, what's the point if you just borrow against it indefinitely? And over and over repeatedly. That's a good point. That's a good point. I thought that was a decent point. But I said, listen. I said, I'm the one that has to deal with the consequence of continuing to borrow against your allowance. There really is no consequence. There is no consequence because all you say, that's my point, because when you don't have the money saved up in your allowance, which you never do, then you just say, well, I'm going to buy this and I'll just put it against my allowance or whatever. So at the end of the day, what ultimately ends up happening is that there is no allowance. You just spend when you want to spend. Yes. Yeah, true. It's true. You'll have all these Apple products. Your kids won't even have food on the table. Yeah. You could be paying off your house. Yeah. Paying for their college. Yeah. Racism. Education's important. That's true. Saving for a rainy day. Yeah, a rainy day. Hey, rainy day came last December, pal. Does your wife do this? Oh, wow. Does your wife do this?
Are you talking about when my life was devastated? Yes. And he's laughing. I'm not laughing. And then sniggling. A rainy day. That was monstrous. A rainy day came last December. Bit monstrous. A rainy day came last December. It sure did. An iPad's not going to come for you. You guys are stagging at each other really intensely. Really harsh. Shock jock. Shock jock. Shock jock. I wasn't being mean. I wasn't being mean. The kid can get you real good. I get you real good. Okay. Does your wife ever do this thing? She gets you all riled up, and then she goes, I don't want to fight. Don't you? I do that all the time. This is a woman. They take one of those things that you use for a fireplace. A billower. A billower. And they get it until the fire's like... Embers are going. It's burning red hot. It's white hot. And then they say to the...
I don't want a fire. They throw water on it. I don't want to fight with you. I don't, you know, let's not ruin the day. I have a question. I have a question. Yes, baby. Yes, my love. My darling. I have a legitimate question. Yes. And I'm not asking you, hon. I'm asking the other people that are in there. Okay. Sure. Okay. Do you feel that me bringing up the point about, you know, Mike borrowing from his allowance over and over and that that ultimately, that he doesn't have an allowance. Do you think that that is using a billower to just get them all riled up? No. No, I believe that is Mike's argument tactic of logic. Yeah. We would all agree with you on that one. It's a logical, valid point. I mean, I don't feel like it was, you know, unnecessary or crazy. Or untrue. Or untrue. It's pretty normal. It's rules. You know what card I always try to play with her? What? You know, babe. When I was a kid, I didn't get a bunch of toys, you know? You said that. Oh, and it's taken me to this point in my career where I finally can get a couple of things and this is what it's like. A couple of things. Did you or did you not appoint Rebecca to be the financial manager of the household? Do you share her brain?
Probably. And what did I say yesterday? I said, yes. What L.O.B. just said. Yes. And I said, and I hate it because I feel like I always have to say no. You feel like you're the heavy all the time. You're turning her into a bad cop when she's just trying to be a bad cop. And then if I say no, I'm a jerk. Yeah. Oh, that's a tough spot. I'm responsible for our financial, you know, like being responsible financially. She's doing what you asked her to do and you're making her feel bad about it. Yeah, you both had an agreement. I see why. That's brutal. Which is why we had an allowance. And I told him, I said, this is why we established an allowance. We established it because you and I, we don't really agree on spending on the same kinds of things. You're a spender. I'm a saver. So we established a plan that would allow you to buy what you want and us to not fight about it. You can throw that money on the street if you want. Like, I don't care what you do with that money. But it's, you know. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm a saver as well, Rebecca. What did you say? I see where Ryan learns to cry all the time. Oh, man. Rebecca, please. Can I please? The thing that really... Oh, here's the capper. Here's the capper. Here we go. This is what completely did me in. You know, I'm still kind of pissed about it. Oh, wow. It's therapy. Live on the radio.
I was really trying to, like, defuse. And I'm like, you know what? I don't want to fight. Like, let's not fight about this. Get the iPad. You know, so I gave in. You gave in. Do what you're going to do. What'd you add? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I said, can we just not fight? Like, at the end of the day, it's not because you're a jerk or I'm a jerk. We just have different, like, spending philosophies or whatever. I don't want to fight about it. Just get the iPad. Do what you're going to do. And let's be happy. Let's be friends. And so I'm like, okay, yeah, and I said, I just want to let it go. Can you let it go? And he's like, well, now I was, like, all excited about it. And now you've, like, dampered, you know, my excitement. There she is. Mikey. Why? One final dig. May I? Now I've ruined his excitement. Mikey! He shouldn't buy in the first place. Ryan and Mike just sitting crying together on the couch. You have fangs and long fingernails growing and hair sprouting out of your body. You are, in fact, a monster. I walked out of the room and I was thinking to myself, forget it. I do want to fight. You're a jerk.
I was so mad. Can I please give my side down? That's unbelievable. There is no side. There is no side. If you really said that, there's nothing you can say. He made me feel bad. After you caved. I ruined his excitement about getting something that he shouldn't be getting anyway. Yeah. Your side is, but I really want it. Right. And now I can't even be excited about it. Oh, wow. You too. She's taken it away from you. How dare you. How dare you. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what happened. I'll tell you, man. She got me all riled up. Yes. But how? Hang on. May I finish? Just talking about. Babe, I'm putting my finger, my index finger up to your lips. He's saying. She got me all riled up. And do you know what I did? What? I just became quiet, which infuriates her. She gets angry when I'm quiet. So what she does is she starts to poke the tiger. Can I make one interjection here? Uh-oh. Who brought up the iPad conversation? I did. Okay. So maybe you got her all riled up. She did. She did. She did. We were enjoying our afternoon, having a great time. And then you said, and I quote, I'm going to get this when it comes out on the 11th.
Yeah, who's poking the tiger? You're throwing your weight around. With my allowance. That you're borrowing against. That you already agreed you weren't going to eat. Monstruo. Monstruo in Spanish. That you actually shouldn't even have right now because, you know, it was extended through July already. And then, you know, we were fortunate to get a pretty good tax return. If there was a husband, if there was a husband police. You'd be in handcuffs right now. Yeah. Yeah. Miguel. True. This is not true. Just cuffed. You'd be like, I'm sorry, dude. Babe. You'd be waiting to postpone. Even Charlie Sheen's going, whoa. He's going, dude, you're a jerk. Frankenstein is on the phone. He's like, I would never do that. Oh. Dude, you're crazy. Okay? You're a lunatic. You've been warned, dude. You've been warned, dude. It's Charlie Sheen. I think it's fine. The guy wanted an iPad. Well, hello. Hello? Winning. Got one tonight, Ben. He's got tiger's blood. Boy, you really brought out those heavy guns. You brought back the poverty-stricken youth, which is just... Wow. How dare you? Mikey, I actually got to give you props for that because I've done it.
You didn't have a pirate. I most certainly did. It's a true story. It's a true story. When we would go to JCPenney's when I was a kid to get my fat clothes, we would go in there to get my little short, tight corduroys that my mom would have to let out. And then I would want... I remember my favorite thing that I wanted was this little can that had green slime in it. Oh, yeah, I remember. Couldn't have it. It was a luxury. I was treated the same way. We had five kids in our family, so my parents lived on a very tight budget. Hand-me-downs, JCPenney, all that business. Mervin's real good. Mervin's. Ross. Slade Ross. Just generic everything. And that's fine. My parents didn't apply the same rules to themselves. They got anything that they wanted. But as kids, we were taught. And now that I'm an adult... I will say things like, I would never spend that kind of money. I don't need that. I went the opposite way. He went the opposite way. I went the opposite way. I was like, you know what? Now that I've worked and I've come to this level of success and God has blessed me with these things.
And I've already done the things that I'm supposed to do in a responsible manner to be responsible. Now, if there's leftover, then yes. It's not just you, though. You're in a family. That is true. And you have to share and not think of yourself. Think of them first. They will get you. They will get you. Plus, you're a rule guy, and you guys set these rules up. Yeah. Oh, you are a rule guy. Rules are not made to be broken. Preschool is expensive. Dude, you're a rule guy. 529 savings plan for college. And he just said if something's left over, but what I pointed out yesterday is that the allowance money isn't there. It's not saved up yet. So you're actually going into debt. Can I just say? Which is irresponsible. We're trying to get out of debt right now. Don't you want to do that for your family? Hey, babe, I'm getting the break sign. First time he's ever paid that much attention. Before you break, I think everybody would be in agreement that it would be a great time for you to apologize. Absolutely. If I had a shirt that said Team Rebecca, I would wear it right now. Yes, me too. I say, hear ye, hear ye. How dare you people. Team Rebecca, Team Rebecca, Team Rebecca.
Over the last 48 hours, have I ever just been told that I'm a monster by every time? It's just tiny little shoe fit. Zapata. Uh-oh, uh-oh. I'm scared. Eject. All right, fine. This is getting close. No, I will. Do we need to eject? No. Okay. Listen, I'm being serious. You don't have to eject on me. One of my favorite things to do, Mike, is to watch us all just pile on with things. Yeah. And your face just drops open like a little kid. Or like a puppy dog. Yeah, being told all these things and in your head secretly being like, I agree. Do you want to know what I was saying in my head? What? I want that pork Chipotle. That's a true story. Write that down. While we were talking, one of the things that ran through my head was, I think I want Chipotle today. What about being an active listener? What is that? You told us to be. We need to be active listeners on the radio. Whatever your rules. You're not listening to us. Whatever your rules. You guys do. We do. Yeah, you guys have to do it. I've been doing this 23 years. I've been thinking about pork Chipotle burritos. Honey? Yeah? There's a burrito right next to you. Of course. Honey, why don't you, will you tell people that I, who is the first to apologize?
you are almost always the first to apologize. That's true. Who screws up more? Yeah. Who's always wrong? Hey, listen. This little blondie here, believe it or not, every once in a while, she makes a mistake. I can't believe it. I do. I don't believe it. And even when she makes a mistake, her husband will be the one to apologize, as it should be. As it should be. As it should be. But, and I will say. I thought I wrote you an email. I may have written you an email telling you that I was a brat, although that may have been for the other day, the day before. Losing track? Well, Rebecca, to be fair, you have taken all the enjoyment out of this for him. Yeah. It's true. I've ruined it. You probably don't even need it anymore. I feel like a lifeless doll. What's the point? I'm going to order the iPad on the 11th with a sad frown on his face. Oh, poor fella. But he's still going to click send. That is a true story. I don't think he wants it anymore. What are you going to do with your old iPad? Yeah, my dad just wrote me an email right now. I love how the vultures start to come in as soon as we start talking about stuff like this. Mike, I heard this is from my father. Mike, I heard that you put it out on the air that you're getting a new iPad. I want to put my name on the list to buy your old one.
Which means I want it for free. Of course it does. Before, like your brother Steve says, you give it to some homeless guy. So don't forget, love you lots, Dad. Amazing. That's incredible. Can I put my name down on that list? I'm sure there's a text from Harold already. After my mom heard on the radio how you taped that conversation, you know? She said, oh, I just want to let you know that I'm sure that Mike is going to get the iPad. So she knows. And when he does, you know, I think Barbara wants to buy his old one. The old iPad, just so everyone knows, I'm putting this out there for Steve, who's listening online, my brother, for Woods, for Harold, for Russ, for my dad, everyone listening. The old iPad is going to be Jake's. Who's four. Who's four. And Jake will not be allowed to touch Daddy's new iPad. He will only be allowed to use the old iPad 30 minutes tops a day. That is correct. The old iPad, the one that's like four months old. Yes. It is not. It is not. It is not. It isn't. Wise investment. It's five months old. Four years old. I love you. I love you. I love you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my sweets, that I was such a...
Such a baby. Stop crossing your fingers behind your back. Yes. I love you. She's gone. Oh, she is. Yeah. Okay. Sienna likes this salad that my wife makes so much that she's not going to eat her bean burrito. Yeah. So that she can eat. You got another burrito? Orzo salad. Black bean. Oh. Save it. I'll eat it tomorrow. Just leave it out. That's a true story. I tried to make the salad your wife ate and I can't. It doesn't compete. Tonight's 8 o'clock album. The White Stripes. Jared! It wasn't your best, Garrett. The White Stripes! There we go. Do it with a feeling. The album is called Destilj. D-E-S-T-I-J-L. I was real glad I didn't even read that. Destigil. Destigil. Destigil, idiot. Moronic engine fool. Blathering idiot. Toddler. Coal miner. Bread maker. Barn builder.
Hey, Baylor. Car enthusiast. Miley lover. Pop listener. Coin tosser into fountains while you make wish-er. American Idol voter. X-Factor champion. Biggest loser. Simon Cowell fan. Nerr. Nerr? Yeah, Simon Cowell fan. Fan nerd. You ever just try to work out bits on the air while you're on the air? Non-bumper sticker hammer. Non-political statement maker. Middle of the fence. Did something yesterday. You know, we've talked about before that there's a difference. We were going to talk about this off the air right now, how different the dynamic is at Woods' house.
For instance, Woods says if it was the same argument at his house, he would just tell his wife, I make all the money. Yep. About getting the iPad. Hey, listen. You heard me. Hold on. Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish. Horrific. Fine. Whatever. Let me finish. I guess I'm just not perfect. I don't buy little toys and whatnot. I don't need. Fine. If you wanted to buy porno or whatever. You know, let's take something you're into. Yes, I want to buy. Let's take something you're into. Yes, I want to buy. Let's say it was, you know, a whole vivid collection. Special edition games. I want to buy. You know, pornography. Porno. Yeah. Hardcore porno. You know, okay, so I like Apple. You're into hardcore pornography. It's available on the internet. First of all, I did buy something that I wanted. You probably did. I probably did. You don't have an allowance. No, I don't have an allowance. Because he would say to his wife, he'd be like, I'll make all the money. Yeah. How's that savings account working? It's all right. Got a couple tens of twenties in there. It's monopoly money. See, it's different. But listen, the things I like, first of all, they're not that expensive. I wanted a new custom made bat. Go ahead. I wanted a new custom made bat. So I got a custom made bat. Yeah.
And Jamie goes, oh, did you get a new bat? I go, yep. And Jamie goes, if Jamie goes, I want to go get a manicure and pedicure, I'm like, have a ball. She makes money too. But that's what you guys have agreed on. That's our – and I'm not saying, hey, I can go buy a new plasma TV. I don't do that. You know what makes me happy? You know what all I need? Copenhagen Long Cut, a fresh Dr. Pepper, and an eclair. Literally is all I need to get by. You're a complicated man. The same. I don't buy a lot of stuff. I like electronics. I like stuff like that. Right. And see, for me, if I have an iPod that works, I'm good. If I have a computer that works, I'm good. This thing, this MacBook that I have, it's like 80 pounds. And I'm looking at the thin one. 80 pounds? I'm like, I want that. But I don't want it bad enough to buy it. We're safe for it because I've never, you know? Well, you have a very different dynamic. I'm weird like that, dude. Like, okay. A lot of couples have the dynamic of tooting in front of each other. Yeah, I can do that. But Jamie couldn't do it in front of you. Please don't ever say tooting again. I don't toot. That's so gross. I don't toot. I don't pass gas in front of my wife. Never have. Never have. Never have. I can't believe you've never been watching a movie together and go. Or like.
Or like just an accidental slip-up. I can't believe you've never cupped one and thrown it in her face. Ew. Try that move. That's monstrous. I would kill you. You know who would do that? Todd does it too. Apes. Yeah, I do it. Woods and Todd. Even apes go, no. Even apes are like, this is gross. Gross. Gross. More people do that than you would do. I know. I know. Listen, it's just, I understand. I'm just saying that I didn't grow up. My dad wasn't a farter. Mine either. You just were. Just me. Okay. But I didn't do it in front of my parents. Still won't in front of my parents. Yeah, it's weird. Well, it isn't the dynamic with Rebecca and I. Right. So yesterday I was in my office and I passed wind. There it is. I broke wind. I was alone. I was by myself. In your office. In my office. I broke wind. Continue. She came into the office. Oh, no. She walked in the fire. And I was mortified. What did you say? I said... Don't come in here! Door open or shut? Naked. I'm naked. Door was open. Okay. Thank God. And she walked in. Oh, my God. And I said...
Don't come in here right now, babe. And I was so uncomfortable. And then I knew I had to follow it up because I was in front of my computer and I thought, I don't want her to think I'm a pervert. Don't come in here, babe. Pants around your ankles. Ew. Hey, Woods, you didn't have to necessarily say... We got that without you saying that. We got it. Wow. That was a good way to handle it. Oh! Oh, my God. And I'm the creepy one. I love this show. I love this show. I thought I was a creep. You are a creep. Not that creepy. Yeah, you are. A little creepier. Oh, please. Everyone relax. Off the air. You would have done it. Okay. She walked into the fire is what you're telling me. So then I said, I passed gas. I said I passed gas. Why didn't you just say I farted? Are you sitting fine? What are you, a doctor? Excuse me. Nurse, I passed gas. Are you a doctor? Do not enter. I passed gas. Bring me a Dr. Clown shoot. Dude. It's funny because I did the same thing just the other day, but it was to Lauren. It was? You do that, though.
That's a thing. I was in my little studio over there and Laura came knocking on the door, but I panicked and I pushed her back out. I had to let her come in. I thought you were doing name that tune. No, I was like, it was bad. Do you know how many times I've walked into Jay's studio and it smelled like, I mean, death. It smelled like a rotting corpse. I've been like, dude. I don't need to know what it smelled like. I wonder if, I wonder if. What? Nothing. Go ahead. I wonder if our wives have ever done it, and then they're nervous that we're going to come around. Oh, no. It's a dark, deserted place. You guys go to a dungeon. A desert. You guys drive out to the desert. We actually cross the parallel universe. Yes. Go in there for a second. And then do that, which I'd prefer, by the way. Absolutely. I prefer it for myself. I don't do that. I don't do that. Girls do it. No, you don't. Girls don't do it. So what did Rebecca do? She pretended that it was immature and that she didn't have to leave. And so she stayed and she didn't make a face or anything. But I know when she walked in, did you see before you said before you go, babe, babe, don't.
Don't come in here. Did you see a recognition in her face? Yeah, but it was more of a, oh boy, grow up. See, I would cover my nose, sniggle, and walk away. That's what she does to me. And then I would be like, is it God? Do what you do to me, L.O.B., when I fart 40 feet away. What? Oh my God, it's coming over here. What? My eyes are burning. I can't believe you said to her, I passed gas. That's the weirdest. I didn't know what to say. I made it awkward. I didn't know what to say. I felt weird saying, I farted. I felt gross. Easy. Easy what? You're not that sophisticated. It's not sophistication. We do 30 minutes of farts on the air. It's humiliation. You can say it once at home. It's humiliation. I'd rather... I'd rather do it in front of her than get caught, her walking to the flame. That's more embarrassing to me. At least she has time to take cover. She walks right into a grenade. I don't think my husband would care either way. It doesn't change the way you feel about attraction sort of thing. Maybe not right at the moment. You're not going to be like, oh, that was great. Don't do it in the sheets when she comes in. No, I know, but when your husband does that, it doesn't change how you feel about wanting to.
If you were walking over to go make out, you'd be like, eh, I'll hold off for a little bit. Once I love them, then it's okay for them to do it. It's called unconditional. And it doesn't even affect me. Yeah, I would prefer he not, but it makes me laugh every time. And it's a complete double standard because he wouldn't want to go near me if I didn't. No way. He might punch you in the arm. No way. He would be like, you're disgusting. You're impulsive. Get away from me. Although he may have farted 20 times in the last one minute. M1 Lynn is calling from Balboa Park. Are you there? Yes. Go ahead. A couple years ago, I accidentally farted in my boss's office. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I went in there to give her some paperwork, and then all of a sudden I smelled something horrible. And I thought it was her, but then when she looked up and I saw the look on her face, I realized it was me. How do you not know that you fart? It was her. And she spun you out. Yeah. She made you feel like you were the one. It was her. She convinced you that you farted. In fact, it was her. That's not possible. You know when it comes out. You're not able to fart and not know. It just freaked out. I don't know. And then I knew it was me. It came with me.
I think it just followed you out. It was her. You know when you fart. She shamed you. She fart shamed you. She has some sort of Jedi mind trick. Jedi mind trick to you. That's impressive. She looked at you like you were repugnant. And in fact, it wasn't even you. And you just wanted to keep your job, so you went along with it. The oldest trick in the book. I like your guys' version a lot better. They don't just seep out. It's true. You know. You know. You know. She Jedi mind tricked you. She did. For sure. How would you not know? Thank you. Thank you. There's no way. No. It's not possible. Is this that WT song? It's not WT. Why do you hate it? I have a theory. I know why you hate it. It's Cora for one. And I'm feeling kind of drunk. That's why you hate it. Because they say drunk in it. I don't hate it. I think it's WT. You've been there before. It's so good. Just a booty call. It is good. It's really good. I like it. It's an eloquent booty call. She says first, I'm all alone. Makes me miss the eye. It's sweet. It's very sweet.
She's incontinent. She's singing about it. That's what she just said. I lost all control. You go over there. She looks like Fergie on stage. This is such a Mikey song. Oh, I like it. It's got a really nice sound. You are a romantic guy. I am, but I don't like... When it comes to these songs. It's very, like, dysfunctional. No, it's not. It's 110% relatable. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone has been there. Everyone has been in a dysfunctional relationship. No. Maybe they're dating. They miss each other. They were going to go out alone that night, and then they decided to hook it up. I wonder if I ever cross your mind. Yeah, you guys just sitting there in fairytale land? It's not dysfunctional. They miss each other. And she's wasted. Guaranteed good party. I'm a little drunk and I need you now. But I'm gonna get in my car. Get a DUI and I'll need you to bail me out. Hey her! She's being safe and staying at home during drunk text.
I'm going to text you. Can you come over? Yeah. But you're drunk too. All the way in. It's a quarter after one. You can buy some condoms at the gas station and sell dong me. Such a creep. Ever just lose your mind out here? I've been with you in this video when you're blind. The creepiest thing I've ever seen. I've seen it a thousand times. Hello? I know you can't see me lurking right behind your head. Hello? Hello? Hello? Charlie Shane. Come over here so I can feel your face. Hello? I can see that you're blind. Obvious.
Well, here it is. You're walking with a cane. Hello? Hello? Hello? How many people are in here? Winning. And I want to tell you so much. Losing. If you've never seen the video. Oh, my gosh. Post it again. We have to. Yeah, Lauren told us about it. The video for Lionel Richie Hello is the creepiest video. You'll ever see. Without question. He's like a stalker. He's her professor. She's blind. She's a beautiful blind student. And he's just creeping around the school following her. Following her. Singing that. Standing in doorway is going, Hello. Is it me you're looking for? No, because I can't see anything. You're really looking for anything. I'm looking for an ATM that has Braille on it. Anything.
Really, I'm not looking. I'm just kind of feeling it out. I'm feeling away. Feeling my way around. In a way, this video is sort of mocking you. Because of the lyrics. I forgot what I was saying. Hello. Hello. It's a good thing you can hear. Because I know that you can't see. But I'm really freaking hot. Too bad that you don't know that. Because you're walking with a cane. I meant I was the blind girl. And a mirror does no good. But my makeup is impeccable. Too bad for you. It's the weirdest video. It really is. She is making a...
Clay bust of his face? We find out in the end that what she's been working on all along is his face. Because she's felt his face, she can make a clay bust of Lionel Richie. Okay, just for a moment. You're in a boardroom at Capitol Records. Hear me out. Guys? Yeah. So... We're going to be doing this thing for Lionel. We got A&R working on it right now. We got some production pieces we want to put together, but we're just here right now to throw around some ideas. Now, no idea is a bad idea, okay? I'll set the storyboard up. I'll get some storyboarding going. Yeah, so as I go, you just start the storyboard. You got it. But I got an idea for his single, Hello. Okay, what do you got? It's different, so I need you to hear me out. Okay. Is that like Land of Confusion with Genesis? Are we going to do like clay animation? Not different like that. Oh, okay. Maybe like a split screen of them on the phone, kind of going back and forth with them. No, it won't be groundbreaking in terms of technology. Okay, so we don't need special effects. Not at all. In fact, I think we could probably get this done on a very low budget. Like low budget defined? Probably just a studio space. Like $18, $19? I'd say, no, I'd say at least $1,000. We'll worry about the budget later. Let's hear the idea. Okay, the idea.
Now, I want you to remember the song. We're all familiar with Hello, right? I sure hope so, people. I sure hope so. I sent out the cassette to everybody. That is right. I did receive the cassette. I've got the cassette. So, in listening to it, I think what we should do is have Lionel as a professor in a university. I hate to cut you off. Could you play the song whilst... You're explaining the idea. Do you think that would help paint a picture? That'll help me envision it. Would that help you? Okay, we can do that. I think that we can do that. I'll have to go into the future to a program called iTunes that hasn't been invented yet and download it. Or you can just play it from the cassette that I brought in. I have a demo. You have a cassette. I brought the cassette in. Seeing as how you just played it. I just pressed play on the cassette player. We had to rewind it. Okay. Sorry, got to rewind it. Rewind it, okay. So professor at a university. All right, picture this. All right. Lionel's a professor at a university. He's speaking to an auditorium classroom. Okay. And you see a young, beautiful co-ed. Perfect, okay. Wait, what's... Well, you can tell that there is a look of romance on Lionel's face. Now, the reason that this is controversial and will be groundbreaking in a way is because you're getting the whole, wow, professor.
student kind of vibe. I like that already. It's titillating. It is. And it's sort of taboo. It's risky. Is it implied that she's over 18? Definitely implied that she's of age. But at the same time, you kind of wonder, which makes it a little edgy. And I think that here in 1982, that's what we need. We need some edge. So we'll get a young actress. Young actress. And then she gets up. He seduces her with his eyes. And you can tell that she's blind. Wow. Blind by love? No. Blinded by the light? Blinded in a fit of passion. Physically blind. Like Helen Keller blind? Helen Keller blind. Stevie Wonder blind. Ray Charles blind. Ray Charles blind. Ray Charles blind. But she's not, you know, doing the glasses thing. Okay. Does she have a cane that she's like tap, tap, tap, tap, tap? Is that going to be like a pervasive sound? She does. But yes. And so you can even, I think that we should put the sound of that tapping in the video. Do you? You don't think we should, Helen? I really don't think so. All right. I want to push the emphasis. Karen? Seeing eye dog? Seeing eye dog. Karen? No, you guys. No, no dog.
Okay. No dog. Somebody that has his arm hooked into hers and is leading her. No guy. No guy. She's self-sufficient. Yes. Wow. Let's make her very independent. Independent. Okay. I got it. So then I think. Blind. Blind. And I think that what we should have Lionel do is stalk her. Stalk her like a predator. Stalk her as if he's a serial killer that's after blind people. Huh. Ah. It's starting to make some sense now, isn't it? With the song, it really helps. With the song. I have a wrinkle. And then, go ahead. I have a wrinkle. Go ahead. A small wrinkle. Yeah. She should be in a pottery class. What? Do you read me? Are we on the same? I think I know where you're going. Do you have? Because, listen, how do blind people tell what other people look like? They feel their face. That's your face. That's her face. What if she were to feel Lionel's masculine face? It can't be. perverted though. It's got to be very tactful. The perversion will come when he's following her around singing hello. And she's like, where is that? Looking like a black Ted Bundy. Yeah, looking like a black Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer. Go ahead. While we have the stenographer here taking notes, I'd like to strike the...
black word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. African-American. Sorry, African-American. So he's stalking her like an African-American Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer. That I'm okay with. Okay, and she's like, whoa, where's that coming from? And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's almost in stereo because she's popping up everywhere. She turns the corner. He's there. Yeah. Right. Everywhere she goes. Now, is he doing like little motions like kind of doing bits? He's like kind of doing bits like, huh, you can't see me. Like hands to the face. Force field. Force field. That's not going to be too much. Would it be too much if he were to come up to her face and blow in her face? Yeah, that's too much. Come on, that's too much. That's kind of cruel. Hey. I'm sold. I can have this on your desk by the end of the day. And I like the pottery thing. At the end of it, she makes a big clay, almost creepy Lionel Richie face. We pull back the camera, and there is a clay bus.
Clay Commodore. Let's confuse them. Let's confuse them by showing their hair first. People will say, what's that? Is that Jermaine Jackson? Is it Alexander the Great? Is it a chia pet? Is it Julius Caesar? No. It's not. It's not. It's a former Commodore. And in this case, it's my creepy professor. Yeah, it's my professor. that pretends to be educating me while my parents are sending me here. But what he's really doing is following me around singing hello while I'm walking the halls. Just trying to make my way through freaking college. As a blind woman. As a blind woman. This way, John. It turns it all back around as if... She was into him all along. She wanted it. She knew. She did. She knew that he was there with the hello. Yes. She knew. And we think. She felt the force field. Yes. All along we're feeling maybe bad for her. And then it all reveals itself as it was welcomed. It was wanted. Yes. Yes. I think it would be too much for him to blow on her face and she goes. No. No. No. No. You're going to break the fourth wall that way. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to break the fourth wall. The area of trust. The barrier of trust. Yeah.
That's brilliant. I don't know where you come up with this stuff, pal, but hey, I think we're sitting on a winner. I have to tell you, when you first said it, I thought, this guy is out of his mind. He's on cocaine again, I guarantee you. Yeah, he's on cocaine again. Hey guys, I've got an idea. What do you think for the new Lionel Richie? That would have made more sense to me. Winning? Yeah. Gosh. He's a professor. She's blind. He blows in her face. And he goes, hello? Hello? Scoreboard never lies. Is it me you're looking for? You're going to put blow in her face? No, no, no. He blows in her face. Is it me you're looking for? And she's like, where is it coming from? It's coming from Charlie Jane. Yeah. A couple of people go up to her and they go, hey, that's your professor, Lionel Richie. It's Professor Richie blowing in your freaking face. Are you going to wear the glasses with the tape in the middle like you did for Wild Thing, Major League, or no? Good luck. Oh, wow. I'm Mikey. That's Woods. Hello, Mike. That's Lauren O'Brien, otherwise known as L.O.B. That's Sienna. That's Jay. And our phone screener is Chris. It's Krell. Let's see. Oh, yes. I have maybe one of the most hilarious emails I've ever seen. And it has to do with salad.
Wait, what? Maybe I can use this song. Maybe. The guy was. He is. He's a brilliant guy. Got an email from our friend Sonny from POD. He wanted me to tell you about something that he's doing tomorrow and Saturday that's very special to him. It's a conference. And this conference is in Diamond Bar, which is not far from here. It's called The Only Way to Live and Die Conference. And he's a member of something called the Whosoevers. And you've probably seen him on Facebook and stuff. You know, it'll say.
So-and-so, whosoever. Anyway, so they're doing that, and they're going to have some music booths. Who else is going to be there? Vitor Belfort is going to be there. UFC guy. UFC guy. Yep. Jay Adams, who's an OG from Dogtown, Z-Boys. Hello, man. They're a bunch of skaters. There you go. Jay. They're screening some documentaries. So get on out there and check that out. Hey, this is pretty cool, too. He wanted me to tell you this, Woods. He said they've raised enough money to get Chi from Deftones over to Jersey to start his treatments with the International Brain Research Foundation because Chi was in a terrible car accident. A while ago. A long time ago. Yeah.
He is a driving force in the Deftones. One of my favorite bands. Thanks, Sonny. Sonny is, without a doubt, one of the coolest guys I've ever met. Very cool. Without a doubt. Really cool. I wish I got to meet him, but I have bronchitis. You did. You missed out. He's super cool. He's a big fan of yours, too. He even asked about LLB. That's sweet. He listens. He's not black, though, so settle down. It's all right. She's like, you know what? He's Mexican, so... He's less than, but I still... Let's see. Where is my, where is that email? Okay, here it is. This is in your hand. This is killing me. It's pretty bad. Oh, it's good. Hey, Mikey show. My wife thinks I'm nuts, but I'm pretty sure you guys will agree with me on this one. My wife has been on this big health kick over the last few months and has gotten our 10 year old son. Really into salads. Oh, great. It's great. Good. Oh, yeah. Really. I love that my boy is eating healthy, but now my wife has been giving him those ready-to-go individual salad bowls. Cobb salad, Caesar salad, et cetera. Yep. Very familiar with those. He eats them for lunch at school. Most ladies are. Ooh. At Nordstrom Cafe. Yeah. Right before they buy their Malono Blahniks or whatever they're called. Manolo. Right. You know that.
Nice try. I don't know about you guys, but if I was 10 and saw a kid in my class eating a salad, I'd be asking him why he isn't sitting at the girls' table. Yeah, maybe giving him a dead arm. Good luck with that. My wife says I'm overthinking it. I agree with her, but I'm still embarrassed for him. Am I wrong? Am I one Bruno? Oh, great. Listen. I am all... I'm all for... Healthy kids. I really am. But, you know, I think that sending your kid to school with the on-the-go individual Cobb salad bowls may be just going a little too far. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm not with you. How about a healthy sandwich? A businesswoman would bring for her lunch to sit outside. If the kid's into it, you know, if he says, hey, I'd love to have a salad at school. Yeah, you know how you got into it is because you got him into it. You got him into it. Fine. What if he's into beers?
Oh, my God. You're comparing a salad to a beer. What if he's into meth, Jay? Yeah, what if he's into meth? Rock. I know. I see where you can make that comparison. What if he's into straight strawberries for lunch? Yeah. What is good for him? What is really illegal? Salad is a gateway food. A hundred percent. Salad is a gateway. You know what it leads to? Little pieces of cantaloupe. Yeah. Yeah. Grapes. Eating healthy. Boy, if it's into eating healthy, I'm all in. Give him the salad at dinner. Give me a dead arm. He's going to be like Claire in the Breakfast Club taking his little bento box out. Bento box. All into eating healthy, especially for kids. Start them early. But don't get them beat up in the long term. Don't give these jerky 10-year-old kids a reason to pick on them. There's other things healthier than salads. And in fact, that salad probably has a... Bunch of sugar. You're probably right. Probably does. I just am trying to imagine a boy in my class when I was that young just pulling out a salad. Hi, Sienna. Do you want to sit with me? I have a PB&J. Do you want to sit with me? He would be typecast real quick. He'd be typecast, though. Salads don't make you gay, okay? No. Write that down.
Right there. Isolate it. That's the name of Jay's new book. Salads Don't Make You Gay. By Jay Isbell. Salads Don't Make You Gay. Salads Don't Make You Gay. It's his new single. Just like Wendy's Doesn't Make You Guys Straight. Touche. Yes. Two points for Jay. Salads Don't Make You Gay. And Wendy's Don't Make You Straight. You can go to Wendy's as much as you want. Don't make you some heat. It looks like y'all do. Yeah. You guys aren't allowed to use that voice. You're not allowed to use that voice. He won. Yeah, I won. He got you. Damn it. He got you. She's right. Even now, if I see a grown man order a salad at lunch, I'm like... True story. Mike's done it before. Jay's done it before. I have. Yeah. I've ordered a salad? Yes. When have I ever ordered a salad? As a first course. As a first course. No, as your main meal if he orders a salad. You mean when it comes with a salad? Like whatever you got comes with a salad? I think you ordered it special. No, I don't think he's ever had it. It was a pear and endive salad. Is that how you say endive? No, I got that. One time we went to Pizzicato and I got us a pizza and a salad. That's right. Okay.
There's a Seinfeld episode. Yeah, Woods makes that into Mike orders salads. Strictly salads. That's what I made it into. There is a Seinfeld episode. We go out. He goes, he gets salads. He's a salad guy. He's a salad guy. Obviously. He gets a salad at lunch or a dinner. And in his head, he's going, oh, just a salad. Just a salad. Like he's so mad at himself because now he thinks the girl thinks he's a salad. She does. That little kid needs to not be taking salads to school. Jay, would you send your kid to school with salads? Absolutely. If that's what he wanted to take? The only reason he wants to take it is because you got him on the whole salad day. Who makes the rules, Jay? You or your kids? I do. What if he wanted to take a box of Twinkies? No, I wouldn't let him take a box of Twinkies because it's not healthy. But if he's got a healthy choice and he's going to make it, I don't care if he wants to take sushi. If that's what he wants to take, then... Oh, my God. I see your point. You have no regard for your child. If you send your kid to school with a bunch of carrots, no big whoop. Right. You send your kid to school with a salad. Just a salad. He's a dead man. Yeah. He's a dead man. You shouldn't have to use a fork for elementary school lunch. No, you shouldn't. That is a great point. When it comes to a sack lunch. Finger food. Yeah. Chips. Yeah. Kids aren't supposed to use forks for their lunch. Pizza, pizza, corn dog.
All healthy options. Fruit snacks. I don't like that stuff. I don't think you've got to send your kid with that stuff. Make him a sandwich. Sandwich. Healthy. Carrots. Turkey sandwich. Brito. Apple. Banana. Fajita. Hey, Woods, you could send your kid with a porn sandwich. Yeah, that would be typical. You know what I mean? That doesn't make any sense. A porn and sugar sandwich. There's no such thing as a porn sandwich. Is that a porn sandwich between two other porns? Yeah, you put it in between two pieces of porn. Right. Oh, wait a minute. I got it. It doesn't really make sense. It doesn't. You are, in fact, Latino. But it makes sense coming from you because you love porn. You are, in fact, eating a burrito as we speak, or you just finished. There is, next to your workstation, a plethora of salsas. And I'm not kidding. That's true. There is, in your backpack right now, probably hardcore pornography. Not at all. Not probably. Not at all. Maybe my laptop history, but not at all. Maybe I check the history on your laptop. Yes. Maybe I delete my history. Oh, wow. Which he's actually doing right now. He's actually doing it. That's not good.
Is there any? Nope. Look. All good. Now, let me take a look. Get out of there. No, I just want to see. Don't pull it. It's already fragile. It's fragile. Don't pull it. Nope. Mike now has a hole. Damn it. Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow. Jamie, I hope you're listening. Oh, you erased it. What are you talking about? You cleared your history. I don't know what you're talking about. He did. He did. What history? How do you do that? You know how to do it. How do you do that? How do you do it? Oh, you know how to do it. Oh, you have it set so it doesn't keep a history. What are you talking about? That's even smarter. What a creep. Yeah, look at that smile. Look at my smile. How do you do that? Set it so it doesn't have a history. Well, you have to have this thing called Easy Porn. It's a program that I got. No, it's called Easy Porn. You know I coach little leaguers, right? Please stop talking about pornography. Stop looking at my computer. I was diving around trying to figure it out. He won't let me. Poor Woods. These microphones are on. It's getting hot in here. Sometimes you gotta go to the laptop. So please take off all your clothes. You ever just put your whole life on the air? Constantly? Sometimes you gotta go to the laptop. Why do you? Why do I what? What do you mean sometimes you gotta go to the laptop? Sometimes you gotta go to the laptop. You do? Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. Yeah, that's true. Jay, do you not go to the laptop? Don't know what you're talking about. Look at that smile.
Captainate the canary in there. Cheshire Cat. Sometimes you got to treat yourself. Yeah, sometimes you treat yourself. Oh, wow. Special days. Well, we. I love hearing about when you guys talk like this. Have to break. Yeah. Yep. Anyway. I hope my wife's at work. I know mine's out of town. She is? Is she? Oh, yeah. She's up there. Oh, that's why you are lucky. I'll send her the podcast. Don't do me any favors. I'll just send her a text real quick. Tell her to listen. Woods was practically in L.O.B.'s lap pretending to be playing guitar to this song. I thought you were going to punch her in the face. Yeah. Sign me up for that. I love this show. It's so fun. There's an opportunity for you to have the Foo Fighters play at your house. What? And you're probably going to want to know how to make that happen. So I'll tell you in the next. I didn't have a song ready, guys. Let me pick all of them.
I will do that for you. You don't. You don't have to. I would if you wanted me to. Well, usually I'm prepared. Sometimes. Sometimes usually. You do a great job, Mike. Thanks, Sienna. You're welcome. Hey, you're a legend. Oh, wow. Wow. What? You believe her, not me? You're a legend. You're legendary. Why would you do that to me? I didn't go overboard. I didn't either. I mean it. You're a legend. No, you're trying to placate me. No, I mean I have known you the longest. Oh, wow. Just consider you like a mentor, like a big brother. It's so uncalled for. It's unnecessary. What are you talking about? You play like that? It is not in your pool. You guys ready for the staff meeting? Yeah. Good thing I've only been up since 3.30. 12.30. Yeah, ridiculous. It's okay. Garrett referenced how last time I pretended that I was sleeping in a coffin and I felt terrible. He did reference it? He referenced it. During your private meeting.
During our private meeting slash lunch. It was delicious. He told me he thought it was funny. Yeah. Don't worry. I don't think he thought it was funny. I think when he said that he thought it was funny, what he meant was, I didn't think that was very funny. Can we still cut up today? I'm going to find it hard to not cut up. Thank you. That's all I want to know. What's cut up mean? Cut up. Just joke around. Cut up. Something your grandpa would say. Are you cutting up over there? You kids and you're cutting up. Jay doesn't even say that. I don't even say that. Don't you? No. Excuse me a second, guys. Sorry. Yeah. Something important happened. Anyway, so today is officially the staff meeting. Everybody probably has staff meetings wherever you work. Tomorrow is, too. Yeah. Tomorrow is another staff meeting. And wherever you work, you probably have staff meetings. Two back-to-back. You know what I love about Fridays on the Mikey Show? What? Leaving here at 10.15 and having the whole day ahead of you.
Have a dental appointment tomorrow. Oh, you lying SOB. Too bad. Yeah, too bad. Looks like you're going to have to reschedule. You guys take really good notes. 24-hour cancellation, Grace. No, I've got to... It's fine. It hurts a whole lot. I don't want to go to the dentist. So he doesn't want to do that. I don't want to go to the dentist. I'll take notes for him. Baby's coming with me to the meeting. I hope they realize that. Coming in trenches with your friends. It's part of the deal. You guys just take really good notes. Maybe you just rent Band of Brothers. We've already had an eight-hour day. You ever just make appointments on days that you have meetings or walk out of meetings before they're done? Yep. Pretty often. Yeah. He said it was going to be a guaranteed hour, and then he went over 15 minutes, so I left. B. You left before the clock struck one. Birthday. One straight up. Happy birthday. One straight up. Trust me. Kathy call out. Took notes. That would be Lauren. That would be L.O.B. That would be me. Oh, yeah. You'll be there both days. You will. They said it wasn't mandatory. It is mandatory. He should go to his appointment. Let him be. I will take notes for him. Garrett said it's not mandatory. He said, is that mandatory? Question mark. And that opened the door. And he meant.
I'm going to go to the dentist. You're even questioning this? Do you think it's bad that I bring the baby? No. No, he said you could. At least you're there. Some companies will let you. Oh, boy. Here he comes. Oh. Hi, boss. Dun, dun, dun. Hello, boss. Dun, dun. He has a very evil smile. Oh, boy. Hi, boss. Garrett. We're not live, are we? Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Hello. Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Hello. Hello. Hi, Garrett. What's your name? If you guys don't want to come to the meeting, that's fine. It's okay. Today, we want to come. Oh, we want to come. Did you get my email? I want the pizza. Yeah, I like Steve. Hey, hey, hey, hey. If he is about to be really kind, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. We've been here for eight hours already. Got up at 1230. Yeah. What? What? What are you doing? I feel bad that he's in here now. I can talk about him behind his back, but I can't talk about his face. Did you hear what he said? He was just being nice. I like seeing all the people that do other air shifts that I never see around the office. Like Tommy. Sucking up L.O.B. Like Dallas and Piles and all those guys. Swami. Swami will be there. You hardly ever see Tim Piles. Swami will be there. Amanda. Amanda. I love Amanda. Jeremy will be there.
Can you believe this, Garrett? These guys? This debauchery? Just showing pride. Yeah. Just proud. How dare you high five? How dare you high five? There's no I in team. That's all I'm saying. There's a me in team, though. There, yeah, there is. You're unbelievable. I can't wait, actually. What's on the agenda? Are we going to talk about the same thing we have at the last two meetings? Oh, wow. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. Yes, I'm going to repeat it. Just to make sure you got it. I'm just kidding. What is on the agenda? What's on the agenda today? I think people want to know. I'm still making it up as we go. So you're pretty unprepared then. I'm pretty unprepared. But it's going to be a one-hour meeting, right? You'll be out of there in 35 minutes unless I invite the engineering staff. Oh, don't you do it. Don't you do it. I had to take meter readings and sign your logs. So that means that when you said just a few moments ago that we didn't have to go to the meeting if we didn't want to, you were joking. I was just coming here to try and lay on the old Catholic guilt. It would hurt his feelings. On a scale of one to ten, how much do you dislike us right now? I love you all. What if he said, I'm not going to Mikey-thon? What if we... It would hurt you. It's only once a year, though. Listen. There's only once a month. Listen. True. If Garrett said to me, I'm going to be at Mikey-thon. Now, I can't stay the whole time.
It's 28 hours. It's 28 hours. I would get it. This meeting's only an hour tops. This is 35 minutes. All I'm saying is 1230. But it's fine. In a year, those meetings add up to less than Mikeython. Oh, yeah. In a year. In a full year. Well, your math is good. Thank you. You can go twice over, actually, and you still won't reach it. At the end of 2012. Can't wait until these microphones are turned off. Why? I'm an open book. lying. What about tomorrow? Tomorrow's not my meeting. That's Rick's meeting. You know the answer, though, and you just won't tell us. Jay's not going. Jay said he's not going, by the way.
I've got a doctor's appointment. He made it knowing full well that we had a meeting. I mean, you know, I have excused. There are a couple of our staff members who have already let me know that they cannot make it down. My wife and I just lost a child. Oh, you monstrous monster. You're a monstrous monster. I have an appointment. I actually saw the pictures. You're a monstrous monster. You're a monstrous monster. He was beautiful. He's actually attending a funeral. There's been a real death in his family. Did you say a real death? Yeah, he actually, he's not making it up. Like Chase Dennis' appointment. Somebody passed away. Well, I didn't have a death, but we were supposed to adopt it. Question, question, question. Oh, wow. Question, Garrett. We didn't get him. Question. You guys all have kids, right? Question, question. Oh, my gosh. What? Stop it. You guys have kids. Garrett. Stop it. Garrett. Yes. Tomorrow's meeting. is our general manager's meeting. He's running the meeting. Yes, it's his quarterly meeting. It's his quarterly meeting. Ooh, once a quarter. I like him. I understand. He gives out prizes. He does. He does. In fact, last time I think somebody got a loaf of Wonder Bread. It was pretty cool. Now, here's my question. Is Rick listening right now? I couldn't tell when I went by his office. And with Rick, you never know if he's listening. He mostly listens to Jeff and Jer. But if he's not... He's a ninja listener.
Is he listening to us? Most of the time, yeah. Because I wonder if he, if we could have a private powwow with him now and learn quarterly numbers. Yeah. Oh, I like him. Happy birthday. Projections. Clip chart. Projections, you know, sort of projections of. It would give him a chance to go through it one time. That way he gets to work out the kinks. He gets to work out the kinks. You know what I mean? He was working out the kinks. Yeah. I would love to be there for him for that. You will be. You have to be. We essentially would be helping him, which would mean we're doing more than anyone that attends Friday. Right. That's right. So we're actually... And we're not getting lunch, so we're saving him money. We're saving a lot of money. He doesn't have to get as much catering. Well, because me and Mikey will not be there. That's right. Right, right, right, right. You guys eat for three each. Right, right.
Especially when it's Wendy's. Yes, when it's Wendy or anything. Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell, whatever. Doesn't make you straight, though. Doesn't make you straight. That is true. All right, well, we will be there today. I will be feasting on pizza. That's right. I will not. I sent you a text. And this is real. Oh, HBD. Were you guys aware that she clandestinely sent me a text? No. I had no idea. I told them that my mom sent me, look, it's real. Yeah, no, happy birthday. Oh, yeah. Happy birthday. We'll be in the trenches. Watch out for the grenades, guys. Fake an email? It's a text from my mother. Yeah. No one's ever asked him to send me a text. Oh, yeah. That works. Oh, look at the hatred. What time's your dentist appointment tomorrow, Jay? Jay, I stuck up for you and I said, let him go. And you just throw me under the bus. 1145. His was premeditated. Yeah, mine is spontaneous. I can't. She can't help it. I just got a text from my chiropractor. He said, you need to be here at 1145. Did you guys know that my wife and I were doing an adoption? All right, I'm going to just go ahead and turn that off. Hello, Hillary. How are you? Hillary, how are you doing? I just really need to be with her right now. Hillary, how are you?
You ever do a fake adoption? All right. That's it. No, please. You ever have a fake nursery in your house? Fake baby clothes? He's creeping me out. It's great. Hi, Hill. Happy birthday. He creeps us out. He does the creepiest, strangest. creepiest things. The best dad ever. He does. All right. You'd be a real dad. I'm a really good fake dad. You are a bull in a china shot. Shut up. Stop. The microphone. For your child, you're going to be looking at those pre-made salads going, damn, this is easy. Yeah. Super easy. What's happening? You're in on the salad? I just don't want him to get him beat up. I'm with Jake. I don't want him to get beat up. He's not going to get beat up. Hang on. Charlie Sheen's on the line for Woods. Shut up. Shut up. You shut up. Move forward. You shut up, Charlie. Listen, I'm Charlie Sheen. I'm telling you, shut up. I'm Charlie Sheen. You're acting like a fruitcake. By the way, please be funny in the staff meeting. Sorry, Garrett. But you guys, last staff meeting when I was like sitting across the table from you. I get bothered, Garrett.
I mean, it's one of those situations like when you are at a wedding or a funeral and you get the giggles. Oh, it's the worst. You're not supposed to be laughing, but you can't just make it. Hillary, I'm sorry. It was like that last night. And I'm sorry. I know you're sorry too, but that's just how I can't. I used to be the suit and tie guy like, hey. I can't do it anymore. No, I love it. I can't do it anymore. I have to try to be funny. I'm always listening, but it does add levity. And you, Mikey, were doing this weird arm thing. He was in a coffin. Can I point out, that was during the seminar on engineering. Oh, that was the engineers. They didn't notice. That's when Bill and JR were talking for 45 minutes. Actually, it was when we were talking about signing the logs, which could send... Julian to jail. Which, of course, would bother you. Especially me. Or me. Thank you, Hillary. It's so funny how you guys always have questions for Julian.
Julian. Why do you guys want to keep him in there for 45 extra minutes? Is Cyril going to be there? He's like, this is Julian. He's like, this is Julian. Good lord. We've been talking about this question for 45 minutes. I think I've answered it. I'm still not getting it. Tell me again with your shirt off. Does two plus two always equal four? Take your shirt off, Julian. Take your shirt off, Julian, and tell us again. Julian, put some of that baby oil on and tell us again exactly what you mean. Tell us what you mean. Get back on that stallion and tell us again how it works. Oh, my God. Well, now I can't wait for the meeting because now our tomfoolery has been encouraged, so I'm in. Is Julian coming? Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to walk in shirtless. Can I pull the curtain back? Can I pull the curtain back for a minute? Sure. Me. Yesterday, we were having a staff meeting. Our own. You guys. Yes. Mikey Show. We have meetings every day, apparently. We're having a Mikey Show staff meeting. All right.
And this girl and this girl. What? I'm going to hang out with these two smoking hotties. That's right. Smoke. Oh, boy. L.O.B. and Sienna had the rocks to seriously say to me. It's not rocks. It's for the show. They were serious. Serolously. They were dead serious. We were dead serious. We went from zero to hero. They go, this was Sienna. This was Sienna. She's got a piece of paper in front of her with all of these ideas. And she goes, so Mike, Mike. Now I'm being serious. What if we had zero? And I go, I go, are you kidding me right now? And she goes, just listen. What if, because last time he came in, he ate like crazy things. And so what if we had him like do a thing where he comes in and eats crazy with his shirt. I actually said, Crawfish for Mardi Gras. Yeah, which was very apropos. And Mike said, what's wrong with crawfish? I'm like, crawfish are just, they taste normal. And she goes, well, he can eat something. I don't know. We'll see how many he can eat. It's Fat Tuesday next week. I said, well, Chris would do it. Chris said he would eat anything. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no. Is that the same? No. I'm like, what are you talking about? Is that the same? Zero was willing and able. So is Chris.
And I said, I go, if me and Woods had just talked about, you know, some hottie. Getting Hillary and Amanda in here. Yeah, exactly. What if we were to just get Hillary and they'd be like, oh my gosh, what are you guys doing? Okay, I have an honest question. I know we probably have to go, but I have one honest question. Yes. If Mikey came to you two girls in private and said, I'm thinking about replacing Woods with Ciro. You would both vote yes. Holy cow. I think we all would. Holy cow. I would vote. What? I'm telling you, Ciro is a good looking guy. And he's really good on the air. I don't know his personality like I know yours. And you're irreplaceable. Fair enough. I just. Fair enough. Nothing from L.O.B. Nothing. Yeah, L.O.B. is like, I'd vote Ciro. I don't have anything to say. How could you put me in that situation? All right. Hillary, what do you got coming up next? Oh, goodness. I can't wait for the meeting. Me too. We are on one today. I'm going to play new Arcade Fire, new music from R.E.M., recommended music from them, The Black Keys, The Cure, Mumford & Sons, Black Crows. And I'll tell you about Chris Robinson of the Black Crows' upcoming Casbah residency. Oh, nice. How you doing? Hey, Garrett. Super cool. Will Charlie Sheen be at the meeting? No, I'll be there. Charlie Sheen? No. I'm going to get high on...
Charlie Sheen. Do you think what percentage of chance that a couple of Charlie Sheens might interrupt? A thousand percent. Charlie Sheen. Shut up. Stop. Move forward. He'll be saying winning the entire meeting. Winning. Winning. Winning. Lovely and talented Hillary's up next. And we'll see you tomorrow morning at 6 o'clock. I guess. Charlie Sheen. I'll see you in the morning.