The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 03/09/11
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
exercise and eatingradio show actingethnic humor and stereotypesparty etiquettefashion ruleshealth anxietylazy inventionsradiocomedymatrixactingfitness
Mike and Woods sparred over health and exercise: Mike admitted a Big Mac, fries, Coke, and nuggets lunch, then abandoned a walking plan after Woods joked they would look like a couple. After the crew replayed Jay's hilariously stiff self-recorded promo lines, Jay attempted Agent Smith's Matrix interrogation as a cold read and mangled key words while everyone heckled him. Jay also described eight-year-old Jasper repeating an ethnic joke, prompting Mike, Sienna, Woods, and L.O.B. to argue over innocent repetition, harmful stereotypes, and when observational humor crosses a line. When BearPaw said a friend announced a rival St. Patrick's Day party, the hosts agreed the friend should have disclosed his own plans immediately, though they split over whether overlapping holiday parties were automatically disloyal. Sienna's fashion court condemned running shoes with jeans and Mike's sagging pants, before a mysterious thigh rash from Rebecca's jojoba lotion sent the crew into scabies jokes and amateur diagnosis, and callers later shared their favorite lazy inventions.
What happened, in order
The Golf-Course Method
Woods described seeing Jay relieve himself during a golf outing and insisted Jay used an unforgettable pinching technique, while Jay angrily disputed the account.
The McDonald's Confession
Mike admitted his supposedly restrained lunch was a Big Mac, medium fries, a Coke, and six nuggets, setting off merciless commentary about his health goals.
Walking Partners
Mike proposed daily walks with Woods for exercise, but immediately lost enthusiasm when Woods joked that they would look like domestic partners walking their dog.
Jay's Fake Promos
The crew replayed Jay's stiff, self-recorded station liners about soulmates, athleticism, wealth, and women, which led him to claim he was actually a good actor.
Jasper's Schoolyard Joke
Jay recounted how eight-year-old Jasper repeated an ethnic joke, prompting a debate over innocent repetition, hurt feelings, and how parents should respond.
Mistaken for a Couple
Sienna said strangers mistook her father for her baby's father, opening a long argument about family resemblance, sexuality, stereotypes, and political correctness.
The Stolen Party
After BearPaw said a friend announced a competing St. Patrick's Day party, the hosts debated whether the friend stole his idea and when overlapping plans must be disclosed.
Jay Does The Matrix
Jay performed Agent Smith's interrogation from The Matrix as a cold read, repeatedly mangling lines and words while Woods played Neo and the room dissolved into laughter.
What Drinking Cost Mike
While discussing Charlie Sheen, Mike said years of heavy drinking damaged his short-term memory enough that he sometimes cannot remember whether he took his medicine.
Sienna's Fashion Court
Sienna approved Converse for a short skater type but firmly rejected running shoes with jeans, launching an extended audit of the men's clothes and Mike's sagging jeans.
The Jojoba Rash Panic
A scratch on Mike's thigh became a show-wide medical panic involving Rebecca's jojoba lotion, scabies guesses, a Facebook photo, and increasingly absurd diagnoses.
Lazy Inventions
The hosts and callers traded homemade shortcuts, including a string-operated light switch, a pool-cue television changer, an electric spaghetti twirler, and a bra repaired with paper clips.
People mentioned
MikeWoodsL.O.B.Lauren O'BrienSiennaJayJasperRebeccaBearPawToddM1 MikeM1 Ninja
30,215 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Let's get this ship out of the harbor, huh? It is time to rise and shine, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, if you thought yesterday was nice, today's supposed to be nicer. Really? Yeah. Today's supposed to be even warmer and real sweet. You'd never know it with a studio that feels like Alaska. That is a true statement. A fair statement and a true statement. And correct. That's the scolding part. I was supposed to see the dentist tomorrow. It's not going to happen. I got to cancel it because I got to take my dad to the doctor. Too bad. Wow. Bummer. I've been putting off that dentist appointment too. They're like, do you want to just come in and we'll give you the price when you get there? Or should we mail you the estimate? I was like, just mail me the estimate and then I'll think about when I'm going to come. Do not delay. Get in there. It's going to be 76 today. It's sunny. Sunny and 76. That is...
Just paradise. Perfect. It's a great meeting day. It is. It's great for us to be inside doing meetings. Maybe we go outside to the fake volleyball court. We have a fake volleyball court outside? It's a real. It's a real volleyball court. Oh, it's fake. Nobody ever uses it. But nobody's ever used it. This is there. What in their minds was like, you know what we should do? We should throw a volleyball court down here at this office building. But Mr. Booz, it's going to cost $100,000. I don't care. I want it. It's team building. Yeah, it's team building. Listen. Fake team building. If anybody from a company that works here wants to build their team, they can go out there and never play volleyball. Hey, listen. I would play it. Hamilton's a volleyball player. We're going to put it in for Hamilton. Yeah. I bet the security guard would run you off if he tried to use it on the weekend. Probably. How many floors is this building? 12. We're in a 12-story building in the middle of Mission Valley. And it's a beautiful building. I mean, it's very classy glass and just it's a gorgeous building in the middle of Mission Valley. Down on the bottom is a sand volleyball court that no one has ever used. Oh, that's never good. Oh, my God. What happened? Holy smoke. His equipment just went wham and fell off the counter. My 360. You know what I do? I pull it over here. Yeah. I pull it too far.
I pulled it too far. Jay? It's gross. It's Jay's bed anyway. Now what do I do? I got to explain that? No, you don't. No, no, no. Just let it go. We just say that to listeners and then I just let that go. Yeah, you just got to let it go. You can't explain it. You can't say things like that because now listeners are like, what do you mean? Jay's method. Maybe they listen. It's not my method. It's what he thinks is my method of going potty. Just leave it with that. Woods saw Jay go potty outside when they were golfing. Yes. Thought he handled his situation a little differently than most men. Far-stretched. Far-stretched. And that was pretty much it. No need to. Woods felt the need to share it. L.O.B. just gave me a look like, too much, Mike? Is that okay? That's okay, right? I can say that, right? Yeah. I mean, it still leaves enough to the imagination, but you kind of...
Get the point. Woods says that he used pinchers. He did. I did not. It's burned in my brain. I used the press back because I was in khakis. I'm sorry. I think I believe Woods. Thank you, dude. I don't think that the press back and the pinchers could be confused with one another. Nope, you can't. And everybody will, okay. Get it out of your mind. I get it. I'll come clean now that I did see it for a while. And that's what I was looking at because I'd never seen anybody do that before, ever. I haven't seen a... You're out of your mind. I'm not. You're out of your mind. Woods was concerned yesterday that it somehow made him gay. It did. Now I'm thinking it did. He lingered and stared. Well, I've never seen anything like it. He got a good long glance. Who licks her lips? What? That is not true. Our phone number is 570-1949. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I'm already having a good day. Me too. I'm already having a good day. And I can tell you, I got up this morning right when I wanted to, was able to accomplish everything I needed to accomplish this morning, and was ready. You know, I'm usually rushed. This morning, no rush, everything all in order. So I'm ready to go today. There we go. There it is. The only issue really right now is my weight.
But at some point, you know, at some point I know I'll be motivated to do something about it. It's funny because he's fat. When does that point come? It's not coming. And you can't force it upon yourself. It's something, it's like a light switch. Absolutely, force it upon yourself. Yes, Mike, look at pictures of yourself in Hawaii while you're in shape and then think about yourself going to Hawaii and be like, that's the guy I want to be. You're running out of time, though, for Hawaii. Yeah. You get to wear a one piece. He cuts so deep. It's like a blade to your back. Yes. And it's so sharp. You don't even really feel it. You feel it just for a second. It's so sharp. Oh, God, what was that? Was that a shot with a BB? No, it was Jay. With a knife. Making overweight comments to you. Yeah, you know, I just don't know what to say about it. Just do it. Yeah, eat healthy. That's all you have to do. Yesterday I ate healthy. I went to McDonald's and got... No, you didn't. Listen to me, you guys. Stop going to McDonald's. Will you guys listen to me just for a moment, just for a second, listen to me. If there were... L.O.B. just squinted at me. You know those judging blues that she has? Those icy blue eyes? I'll get you. If there was a health food, fast food, healthy place...
L-O-B, I would. You're home. There's nothing, man. What about your house? You have lots of room. There's nothing, man. There's no place I can go, you know. If that was just a healthy alternative, I would go to it. What if you went to a place like a Henry's or a Jimbo's? I have to walk in there. I don't want to walk. I don't want lines. I don't want to park. I don't want all that. I just want to drive through and get something healthy. It's your problem. Yeah, but the lines are repeating. It doesn't have to do with the walking, really. It's just the interaction. It's the hassle. It's the what do I get? What should I get? You have to hassle for your health, though. Yes, that's true. It doesn't come easy. Just count your calories. Just roll the size of the comment. Count your calories. Figure out what you need calorie intake for the day and don't go above that. Listen. How would you know? Jay saying that is just like when people go, let it go. I don't know. It's just something people say, you know? And you're like, will you talk real to me? Will you stop with this nonsense about... You know that's not going to happen. Yeah. Just eat healthy. Really? Okay. It's that easy. That easy, huh? I mean, listen. I need a health, a McHealth. What'd you get at McDonald's? You know I'm going to have. I do have salads and oatmeal and parfaits there. It's easier to say, what didn't you get at McDonald's?
So deep. Cut so sharply and so deeply. I can't believe you went to McDonald's. What'd you get? Woods went to McDonald's, too. I knew it. Did you guys get together? No. Texted me after I'd eaten it and said, went to the crack dealer real good. You guys. What'd you get? I just wrote back, me too. It's embarrassing. What mine was embarrassing. What did you have? I had a Big Mac, which is the worst thing you can have. Period. The worst. Medium fries. Medium. Medium. Medium. Yeah, I'm not a pig. Yeah, hello. Medium fries, medium Coke. And? Six-pack of nuggets. There you go, kid. Oh, my gosh. Appetizer. God. I went to In-N-Out over the weekend. Damn it. It's so good. That's okay, Sienna. It is? I got a mushroom and Swiss Angus burger with medium fries because I have self-control. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. LLB just looked at me like I smelled like poo. Well, I don't like mushrooms. I don't either. And I'm getting them at McDonald's. See, I ate a burger for lunch as well, but I went to Lotus Cafe where I think they do it a little healthier, but then I didn't eat like a big breakfast. How did they do it healthier? He had a veggie burger. Turkey burger. It was turkey burger. And then for dinner, I only ate something really small. I want moo, bro. I don't want.
Well, they have. They have moo there. They have moo. Why does he say that? But I think it's the best burger. I ate this turkey burger. Yeah, topper. Yeah, he's a health topper. Health topper. You're better than that. I get it. You're perfect. No, no. I'm far from perfect. I get it. I told this secret before. If you're healthy, your doo-doo should sink. If you're not healthy and you have too much fat in your diet, it floats. Float. Not something for you to know. I just freaking vomited. No, dude, tell me it doesn't make a difference in your life. It does. It makes a difference in your life. We all do that, and you should know. And it's an indicator to you to go, oh, I've got to change some things. Never heard that. It's true. It came from a doctor. Yeah, I saw an Oprah segment all about poo. And it's important to know, you know, because you all do it, and it's important to know. It is. Everybody poops. What we. You know what's healthy and what isn't. Read the book. Sorry. All right. We're going to move on. Yeah. Didn't get a drink with it. Just those two items. Why didn't you get a drink? Because I don't want to drink soda. I don't want to drink. There's nothing appealing on that thing. There's Dasani water. I don't want it. You know what I drink every day? I drink water, coffee, and they have this thing called Limeade, which is real lime juice made into a Limeade. And I do half of that with water in it.
That's great. Yeah. That's fantastic. If they had that mixture, I'd get it. There's a lot of empty calories in sodas. I drink five to six sodas a day. Yeah, that'll catch up with you. That'll catch up with you. I asked. We already did. I asked. I asked. You're such a boss, Jay. Whoa. Jay. He's so cruel. He's got so deep. He's vicious. I hope you get fat today. I called Woods at 4.30 yesterday morning, and I said, I have a suggestion. I go, be honest, dude. If you don't want to do this, tell me. Oh, boy. You're going to bring this up? Yep. Are you really going to bring this up right now? Yeah. I go, if you don't, just say it. You don't have to tell me what I want to hear. He goes, okay. I said, what would you think about, because you live close to where I live, what would you think about if we walked?
I said, I got, I go, I go, I got to move. I have to move my body. And there was a pause. I can't look at you. There was a pause and he goes, uh, okay. And I was like, oh, I go with each other. Like girls do. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on a minute. Woods is hiding behind the curtain. We have a curtain in the studio and Woods is hiding his face in it. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. And then Woods goes, hang on. I can't believe you agreed to it. And Woods goes, yeah, I'll describe Shooter and we'll do that. And I go, all right. I go, but can we make a deal? I'll drive to your house one day, the next day you come to my house, and the next day you bring Shooter and the whole deal. He goes, yeah. He goes, we'll look like two giant queens, but okay. And as soon as he said, I hadn't even thought of that element. And as soon as he said that, I go, out. Yep.
Who cares? Hadn't thought of it. Just a couple girls out walking the dog. Actually, it's weird, though. If you put the dog in the mix, it somehow makes it okay. He goes, we're going to look like domestic partners out walking our dog. A thousand percent. Who cares? They'll look at me like, oh, he's into little Latin boys. Yeah, he likes little, short, fat guys. Mexicans. This is a true statement. This was Mike's only hope to get out and get moving, and you squashed it. No, he said, why don't we just, you know, choose fitness as close. Why don't we... Why don't we join? You guys should get mountain bikes and just ride. I would do that. Mike is not going to ride a mountain bike. Why wouldn't he? I bet you'd be good. What do I do? Take it to Jesse James so that he can chop it up and make it right for me to ride? It's not that funny, Sienna. It's not that funny, Sienna. It's not that funny, Sienna. They're strong. It'll support you. Chances Mikey would have handlebars up here. This little chain steering wheel. Mike will get a Segway before he gets a mountain bike. Ooh, let's get Segways. Oh, Segway. Well, we're going to get some exercise, aren't we? Well, we're outside. We're moving around. I saw a Segway tour yesterday, and it really made me mad. Get out of the way of your Segway and your tour. I want to go on one of real bad. I would go on one of, like, Chicago or New York or something. I'm not even done. I forgot to introduce everybody. I'm Mikey. That's Woods. That's L-O-B.
That's Sienna. That's Jay. Our phone screener is Krabs. It's Krabs! All right. I can't believe you told that. Are you guys really going to do it or are you not going to do it? He goes like this. So Woods goes, so he goes, dude, we got to choose fitness. We just get it dialed in. I go, all right. He goes, maybe we tan. Maybe we catch tan when we're over there. Mike, you said, yeah. Do it. You guys both would. He was supposed to ask you yesterday, Sienna, if you could get him hooked up over there. Did he ask you? I almost did. I almost got the courage. And then I chickened out. Chews would have to contact me again since they just cut me off. They bail? Yeah. Well, our sales girl left that was doing it. The Chews person? Somebody's probably listening from Chews. What's his name? Corey? Yeah. I didn't know that. It's a cool gym. He sent me an email the other day that they have Zumba. Zumba now. I got that email. It's a dance class. Zumba, Zumba. Maybe we did that. Maybe we go do Zumba dance. Zumba's the latest craze. You'd be good at it, Mike. It's like Latin dances. I'm just good at everything Latin because I'm Hispanic. Tortilla rolling. Speaking of. Pinata making. Today's word of the day is tortilla. Weird. How are you not going to say that? What? How am I not going to say that?
It'll be tough. Every day it's the same thing. Wait till you see what I brought for our lunch today. It's awful. It's just so fattening. Maybe I mix in a piece of lettuce every once in a while. Just butter and Crisco mix? Yeah. It's a butter Crisco sandwich. Our Hungarian healthy nanny looks at me every night like I am a sideshow carny. What is this? Do you have that you eat? Oh, that's... It's just like... You know, stew. Mm-hmm. What do you put in... It's got, like, you know, chicken and, you know, some vegetables and things like that. It's not that bad. Do you put this at the... What is that part? That's skin. Ew. From the chicken? Yeah. Does it have bone inside? Mm-hmm. Okay. Do you eat this a lot?
Just getting shamed real good. Word of the day's tortilla. When you hear me say that, between now and 10, caller number nine will get NASCAR tickets, sunglasses, and be qualified for $125 worth of gift cards. Booyah. The Arco Gas. At 7.30 this morning, ladies and gentlemen, you are going to want to be near your radio. If I can pull the curtain back just for a moment. I want to let you know that when we come back from commercials, you hear, and now back to the Mikey Show with Mikey, and we use a clip of something that I've said on the air. Something like, oh man, I feel so fat, or something like that, you know? I like a skinny fry. I like a skinny fry, because what it is, is it's supposed to let you know kind of who all the different people on the show are. Well, there was a period of time where Jay didn't talk very much, and so we really needed clips of him. So he went into his studio, and he recorded them.
And we said, dude, just make them sound like it really happened on the air. Organic, pal. Organic. Organic. We just want it to sound like it was a natural moment. And they sound like this. I can make a hundred biscuits in an hour. That was actually a real one. That was a real one? A fake one was him. Oh, I believe there is a soulmate for everyone. How hard is it to stand in a room with a microphone by yourself? You're like. It's not that hard. So what if I like to skate every day? So what if I surf five days a week? Sue me.
So what if I made love to my wife last night? So what? Seven times. So what if I've slept with over 2,000 women? Sue me. Okay, so women are attracted to me. I'm sorry. So what if people tell me I look half my age? Okay. Yes, I love to surf and snowboard, ride my bike, and do things that are athletic. I have good genes, so sue me. That's what he went in. Yes, I am filthy rich. I'm sorry. We did this for an hour in the limo when we had all these guys that we took for M1s in the limo. They were dying. They were dying. So anyway, Jay goes, we were doing this to him off the air, and he's like, you guys are full of it, man. I ain't a bad actor. I'm a good actor. I used to act. And the room went dead silent. And he goes, you don't believe me. Let's do it on the air. And we were like, done. Okay. And we just put your foot in your mouth? Yes. And so today we will do this scene from The Matrix. That's just a soundtrack. Oh, sorry. As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson. It seems that you've been living two lives. I can't.
I can't wait. That's going to be Jay. Well, if you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. Don't let him hear anymore. I know. Don't let him hear anymore. Your security number, you pay your taxes, and you help your landlady carry out her garbage. Can't wait to hear how he does. Oh, gosh. Thank you. I can't wait. So at 7.30, Jay, we'll do that scene. Let's see. So Starbucks debuted their new logo yesterday. Yeah. What do you think of it? Well, if you don't know, it's on the Starbucks logo. It's like that green girl. Mermaid. Mermaid. And around it says Starbucks. It used to say Starbucks coffee. They want to get rid of that word. Right. All the wording is gone. All there is now is this green mermaid. And a lot of people were really spun out because it's different. There's change. Oh, my gosh.
Well, they did it because they don't want to just be a coffee place anymore. Right. They have a lot of other stuff. They're celebrating their 40th anniversary, which is why they've made this change. What? 40th? 40th. But they were up in that Seattle area. 40 years ago? Yeah, idiot. I used to drink Starbucks every day. Yeah, before it was anything. Tommy and I did. Yeah. Had their first demo. The one opened in Seattle in 1971. And so, yeah, they don't just want to be known for coffee now. I went to Starbucks when Will Thompson was their drummer. They've also added some new coffee flavors, including a cocoa cappuccino. And there's a new line. Speaking of cocoa, you heard the new cocoa rosy? It ain't bad. That's our program director. Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Also, for this 40th anniversary celebration, they have a new line of small dessert treats called Starbucks Petites. Well, look at that. Really? It's too easy. They also have artisan breakfast. They do, and they are tasty, and I'm going to get two here in a minute. So you'll start noticing if your Starbucks hasn't changed their logo and their sign outside, it will. Wow. Two days from now, the iPad 2 goes on sale, and here's what they say you need to know. Last time they went on sale, they did a preorder. No preorders this time. Wow. No preorders this time. It goes on sale on Friday.
In the stores and online. And what they're saying is 12.01 a.m. Pacific time. So East Coasters have to wake up at 3 in the morning. West Coasters, 12.01 Pacific on Friday the 11th. You can start ordering them. Now, they come in a couple of different versions. They come in the Wi-Fi. And then they have one that has Wi-Fi and 3G so you can use it out and about. And it's either through Verizon or AT&T. They come in black. Hello, me. Or white. And they are promising. Apple is promising fast, free shipping, which a lot of insiders are saying they believe that that means two-day FedEx, UPS. Depending on where you are ordering from, you could be getting your stuff.
Your new iPad 2 if you order online by Monday. Not bad, right? What are you going to do? Are you going to go or are you going to order online? I feel like I'm between first and second base and I just don't know what to do. You're hung up. You like the story. You like the experience. But he doesn't like to wait in line. He doesn't want to wait in line. Be in a line? Order online. Why are you in between two bases? Because he wants it now. He wants to play with it all weekend. That is correct. So who are you going to pay to wait in line for you? I'll do it. I can't have Zeth do it anymore. It's true. Probably wouldn't be down with that. I'll do it for you. You're going to pay me. Probably have to pay you more than I paid Zeth. I think I only gave him $20, $40. How about you? $200. Yeah, $200. No way. That seems fair. That seems fair. Well, there's no way. I mean, just no way. But that seems fair, I think. $150, done. Well, sure. $60. That's a beating of a line. LLB for $60? I did it for $60. Oh, wow. What day is it? Friday. Friday. Oh, I can't. Oh, okay. You knew that was coming. $150, I'll get it done. iPad 2, 16 gig, Wi-Fi, $499. The 32 gig Wi-Fi, $599. The 64 gig Wi-Fi, $699.
16 gig Wi-Fi with 3G on Verizon, $629. iPad 2, 32 gig Wi-Fi and 3G on Verizon, $729. Second prize set of steak knives. Third prize is your fire. How excited are you? Pretty excited. It's a pretty special and neat device. It'll do a lot of fun things. So I'm excited. You already have the first one. M1 paparazzi from Oceanside. Hi. Good morning. Yeah, I mean, for me, there's no reason to do that because I like Apple products and they all sync together and work together seamlessly. And not only do they give me everything I want, they give me more. And they're easy. They're easy to understand and use. There's nothing confusing about them.
And they're beautiful products. They work and look vibrant and cool. I don't need a Droid. Do you have a Droid, Paparazzi? I do not. I wouldn't mind having one, but a little out of my price range at the moment. Yeah. I just, you know, maybe if you took a look at it, you might find it's just as easy to use and has more features than the iPad. I don't have any interest. I'm in love with my wife. It's that kind of deal. You know, I got a good looking wife. What do I need to, you know what I mean? Like I'm happy at home. That kind of that kind of bit. Thank you, sir. You go. Oh, we did we tell you remember the Salahis? Yes. Good looking blonde woman and her husband. They crashed the White House party. They they weren't invited, but they got into this party at the White House with the president and they weren't invited. They didn't. When you're like, how did you get in there? How'd you get past security? Blah, blah, blah. Yes. The Salahis. And they've also been on Real Housewives of D.C. Just one of those couples. And now they were supposed to be on Celebrity Rehab. They're going to be on the upcoming season. Both of them or just one? Just one. The woman. Michaela. Michaela. Michaela.
Mikael. Michelle. Michelle. Mikael. Mikael. Brenda. It's pronounced Brenda. Donna. I think it's Mikael. Anyway, she went on Celebrity Rehab. She was going to be. They signed her up for it. She was announced to be on the next season. However, after some professional assessments, they found that, in fact, she does not have an addiction and does not meet such criteria. What a clown. What an idiot. Yeah, she's saying, or her manager's saying, well, the show knew about that in advance. They knew she wasn't addicted to anything, and they still put her on. Right. And the show's like, no, we didn't. Isn't it, you know, you write your name, and then under it, what are you addicted to? Probably be the second thing on the application, right? Well, producers were told that she met all the criteria. They're like, yeah, she looked like a crack addict. We thought she was a crack addict. Turned out she wasn't a crack addict. Jay, what do we have as a prize we can give away right now? We can give away... Let's see. A two-day weekend at the clinic at the Surf Divas Surf School in La Jolla. Okay. If you would like to win that prize, all you have to do is call at 570-1949 and be the first person to tell us, who is this famous person covering Kesha TikTok? Who is this singing? And they're famous. This is not like an obscure person. It's an A-lister.
Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses at their door. I'm gonna hit this city. Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack. Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back. I'm talking pedicure on our toes. Shine on all our clothes. Boys blowing up our phones. All you have to do is tell me who that is. Tell me who dat. 5701949. Also, when we come back, Jay's eight-year-old learns a racist joke and will also be telling you about something that skeeves Sienna out. L.O.B. has a pretty good idea. A pretty good idea that I think that the world of technology should adopt. All that coming up next. All right, we're going to go to the phones here in just a second and tell you who that was covering Kesha. Jay will be acting out.
A scene from The Matrix at 7.30. I can't wait. Word of the day is tortilla. If you hear me say the word tortilla, if I work it into a sentence, I have to work it into a sentence. This is not it. I've got to be clever. When that happens, call 9-570-1949. You'll get NASCAR tickets, sunglasses, and qualify for $125. Gift cards from Arco. And it is inevitable. that you will work that into a sentence. There's no question. Now that day has gone by in the last year and a half that you haven't said that word. It's true. Be ready. All right. So it was Kesha's song, TikTok. This is a famous person singing it. All you have to do is tell us who it is in order to win. M1 Rich from PB. Who was it? It was not Kim Kardashian, although that was a good guess. M1 Will from San Diego. Who was it? Incorrect. M1 Tara from El Cajon. Who was it? It was not Taylor Swift. Good guess. That was my guess. M1 Left My Pants from Oceanside. Who was it? Good guess. M1 Jesse from Carlsbad. Who was it? Ben Hathaway. That's what I thought. Good guess.
I will play this next part, and it will probably become more clear. M1 Clay from Kearney Mesa. Who is that? Avril Lavigne. That is correct. Awkward Avril. Awful Avril. Awful Avril. Fantastic. Fantastic, Avril. That whole group of guesses was fantastic. Thank you very much, and hold on. Avril went from an annoying, awkward, skinny... in, you know, tweener. Is that what they say? Tween? Sure. To a beautiful, gorgeous, grown-up woman. Yeah. But she should not cover Kesha songs. Agreed. She has purple and green hair right now. Oh, boy. Really? I wish she hadn't told me about that. Is that, you know, the beautiful woman? Yep. I wish she hadn't told me that because, you know, before you told me that, she had gone glam, you know? Yeah, well, not just a little green and purple.
Bright green. I mean, why both colors? One's bad enough. Why do you have to ruin everything for me? That's because I need to let you know. I know it. By the way, I just want to let people know that this morning as L.O.B. drove in, she was belting out Taylor Swift's back to December. Belting it out. Belting it out. Singing it. I only knew a few words, though. So I'd be like, that night. That's how we all do it. That's how we all do it. So Jay, our producer, picked up his eight-year-old son Jasper from school yesterday. Jasper? Yep. And Jasper says, Dad, you want to hear a joke? And Jay says, sure. What is it? And eight-year-old Jasper says, what do you call a Mexican with three eyes? And Jay says, I don't know. What do you call a Mexican with three eyes? I was stunned. Yeah. And eight-year-old Jasper says, aye, aye, aye. Now. Yikes. Now. Now. Jay didn't want to make a big deal out of it. You know? Just tell them Mexican jokes. Real good.
Making jokes about the brownies. If you're new listening to Mikey Show, by the way, I am in fact Mexican. 100%. 100%. I don't have any other ethnic background. Therefore, I can make Mexican jokes. Gosh, you're so lucky. I know. It doesn't speak a word of Spanish this morning. Not a word. Jasper is not. Jasper is not. Jasper is a white kid like his dad. Blonde hair, blue eyes. That's right. And so Jay asked him, you know, he said, well, first of all, I told him that joke will hurt people's feelings, which I disagree with. You know, maybe it will. I just I don't know. I don't know. I was stunned. I think Jay did the right thing. I just I think it's I don't it's not. I thought that was cute. You know, it's listen, racism, in my opinion, is when, you know, racism involves hatefulness. Yeah, but when you're that age... He doesn't know. He's just... He's just repeating it. You kind of have to be in good company when you're older and make those kinds of jokes. You have to know who's going to receive that well. We have eight-year-old Jasper on the line. Hi, Jasper. Hi, is Mikey there? Yeah, this is Mikey. Hey, Mikey, this is Jasper. Hey, how are you, Jasper? Jasper, how are you? I'm good, I'm good. Hey, is my daddy there? Yeah, I'm here. Hey, Dad. How you doing? I'm good. I'm at school. I was...
I was just looking at my lunch. It's early for you to be at school, but we homeschool you, so you're probably out in the... You packed my lunch this morning, didn't you? Of course I did. I got a problem. What's the deal? Well, I opened my damn lunch box. Yeah? I looked inside. It's an actual box. I made it out of pine. Well, yes. All there was was there's a can. Right. And it ain't got no label on it. And it's got a dent. Now, I got my Swiss Army knife. I can't, you know, I'll use that to get it open. Well, I've showed you a million times how to do it. Well, I don't know what's in it. Well, open it up and find out. It's called a surprise. Daddy likes to give you surprises. And there's also, there's like these fish that look like anchovies or sardines. Just eat it, boy. That was left over from yesterday's bit. Did you bring them from work? Yeah, I did. Just like everything. All right. And also, there's an old piece of crusty bread in here. That's my lunch? Well, I think so. I found that one. Jay, you can't just buy them a lunch bowl or something? Can't I? Jay, Dad. Yeah. Go ahead. There's a bottle of Frank's Red Hot in here, too. Of course there is. I do advertising for them. They gave me a damn case. I'm going to give it to you. If it burns your mouth, just eat it. Tastes good. Put it on everything. Get some. Yeah, get some. Get some. What? What do you mean the best I can do? Kim's your mama. Don't call her Kim. Call her mama. That's your older sisters. And don't let them do it. They'll put something expensive in there like turkey bacon.
Oh, yes, I am. Yes, I am. Otherwise, I'll take you out back with a switch. I'm switching you if you don't switch. I'm about to switch to Jeff and Jerry unless you get off the phone. You're eating it. You get home, I'll stick it in front of you and say that's all you get until you eat it. Speaking of get, get. Goodbye. Jay, you're pretty harsh with Jasper. Listen, I pack him a healthy lunch every day, give him a little surprise. Surprise is a can with no label on it. You open it with your Swiss Army knife. I'm frugal. You're not supposed to have a Swiss Army knife at school anyway. Yeah, he gets in trouble. Ain't gonna hurt nobody. I actually made it, and I carved the word Swiss into the sentence. Of course he does. It's a Swedish Army knife. It's a Swedish Army knife. Swedish Army knife. Korean Army knife. Yesterday, Sienna went for a walk with her dad.
And she had Sage with her. And somebody thought that her dad was Sage's dad and that Sienna was Sage's mom. Well, I always get the looks. I always know people are like, is that the baby's dad? He did good. Because your dad is young looking and hip looking. To skeeve you out. It's her. He's one of the coolest dads. I thought to myself, I'm never walking with you again. You do a lot worse than Keith Richards, my friend. His name is Keith Richards. He doesn't look like a dad. He's like Jay. Does it creep you out that people think that you're married and had a baby together? Yeah, just a little bit. Yeah, I can see that. My dog was there, too, and my dog Zipper is obsessed with my dad. So she's, you know, jumping on him, and it's like, I mean, the whole thing. It's a big family. It looked like, of course he's the dad, you know? It's like, oh, God. Can I ask you something, Sienna? What? Would you be more uncomfortable with that situation, or if you're with one of your sisters and people thought you were a lesbian couple? I don't think that would happen. That happens to me. I look so much like my sisters. Does that mean that you guys look like lesbians? People always think that we're a couple.
Well, then you must look like lesbians. No, they just think. You guys are like holding hands. She's like, hey, to their defense, we're kissing. No, I think it's just, you know, it's an acceptable union of people. And, you know, we're sitting there and we're both like fawning all over her baby. And sometimes I'm holding the baby, you know what I mean? Easy, Ellen. Yeah. No, I've never had. I don't think I've ever thought that. Maybe because your sisters are teenagers. Yeah. And we looked a lot alike. You think you could tell? Yeah. You can tell. Me and my sister don't look that much alike. That's true. So. For the record, I mean, I don't think you guys look like lesbians. Not that lesbians look like anything. No, they don't look like anything. I'm just saying. Well, wait a minute. Are we so politically correct that we can't? Don't. Yep. Fine. Yep. A lesbian could. Oh, boy. Get over yourself. You're taking a stereotype. Put on my seatbelt. Am I? Yeah. Am I? Yep. Trust me. Listen, listen, listen. I know so many lesbians, Mikey, that. It would make your head spin. Yeah. I know so many make your head spin. And they don't have a look. It's called a lipstick lesbian. And there's plenty of them. If there's a lesbian listening, they'll call in and they'll probably back me up. A lipstick lesbian is a lesbian that's like got the makeup, the whole deal.
But are you telling me that you haven't seen a lesbian that has like kind of a crew cut? Yeah. No, you've never seen that. Oh, for sure. I'm sure you have. But it comes, I mean, there's lesbians that look like that. There's lesbians that look like lipstick lesbians that are all made up. I think there's just, it runs the gamut, but. It's just like saying gay guys all talk like this. Yeah, all gay guys don't talk like that. But some gay guys talk like that. Their mic is a lesbian couple on Grey's Anatomy and they look. They're both lipstick? No, you would never know. So they're both lipstick. They're normal. Just average. They're just people. Me and my sister could easily look like two lesbians. I'm saying it happens all the time. One guy said, I hope you have a wonderful life together. Oh, wow. Oh. I don't want to be. That's a sweet guy. A couple times I've gotten mistaken. I hope you have a wonderful life together. Maybe don't talk. Say stuff like that to you. Carly, let's call mom and see what she's up to. Let's call our mother. Let's call our mom. Hey, sister. Hey, sis. I love you, sis. I'm a good aunt. Yeah, I think that we're taking ourselves a little too seriously if we've come to a point where we can't say something observational. We may have gotten a little carried away. Hey, listen, just because a guy is wearing mascara and has his...
Tips frosted and talks like this doesn't mean that he's gay. Fair enough. It doesn't mean that he's gay. But he could be gay. It's likely. More than likely. It's likely. He could be. Yeah. I've had my tips frosted. I've had people think that I am Arabic. Okay. I'm not. I've had people think that I was fat. And I am. You know? It's the same deal. It's the same thing. That's a great, that's a great region. Whenever you hear us say, write that down, what that means is it means that one of us just said something that is very character defining. And you'll hear it in about six to nine months. And now back to the Mikey show with Woods. I forgot what I said. Some people thought I was fat. And I am. Anyway, I'm just saying it can get, I think. It gets pretty awesome. Oh, yeah. It happens when I'm walking with my brother, too. Like, ooh. And it's like, it's my brother. Haven't you ever heard people say that if a guy is really good looking and handsome and dresses in, like, really nice clothes, oh, he's a gay guy, for sure. I've heard that. Girls. Mostly girls will go, he's gay. He's gay. Like, girls have gaydar. Yeah. You know, they can tell if a guy's gay.
Even if he talks like this, he talks very masculine. They can tell he's gay because he's so well taken care of and he's wearing such nice clothes and blah, blah, blah. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I'm just saying, girls have that gaydar. Sometimes guys have that gaydar. And so I just think we take each other so seriously. We take ourselves so seriously. Like if I said that they were gay, if they're not gay, it's almost implying that there's something wrong with the assumption. Right. It's like that Seinfeld episode. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It almost makes you sexist or homophobic. Correct. If you're not okay with the assumption that somebody's gay, what's wrong with that assumption? Is gay bad? Why are we assuming anything? Why not? Because we're human. Because we're human. It's human nature to assume. The look that you described, like a crew cut, and we all know what you were talking about before.
You probably make an assumption, yeah, that girl could be a lesbian. I've met a girl. In fact, I've met various girls that are gay, that have that look. Nothing wrong with it. And I've met various ones who have no look. Me too. I've met girls that have that look and are not gay. That's what I was going to say. I never have seen that. Oh, I totally have. I never have seen the girl with a crew cut that isn't gay. Yeah, that like dudes. I've seen it, but it's more than likely. More than likely. Oh my gosh, words. You've met. Yeah. A girl with a crew cut. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And she liked guys. Pink used to look like that. That's true. Yeah. Pink did kind of have a short hair. It's kind of like a punk sort of like. But she swings both ways. That's a good call, Sienna. That's probably a really good call. She gets a couple girls in her day. Guaranteed. You know that. You know that. You know that. I don't know that. Don't you? It works for me. I don't know. I just know that we live in a politically correct universe. We very much do. Even though the very same people. That would be upset about it. They think it. But the problem is, is that you can't say that you're supposed to say something different. Now, listen, I choose to be observational and be honest about an assessment or an observation. It'd be like saying all girls from New Jersey look like the people from the Jersey Shore. I'm from New Jersey.
I look like someone who's typically from San Diego. You look identical to the Jersey Shore people. I look opposite. Identical. Why do you have a short dress on right now? Yeah, and why are your fingernails bright red and long? Why are you smushing in the room? Why are you wearing huge gold hoops that say princess across? This is not a typical day for me. Why are you drunk at 6 a.m.? Wow, that has nothing to do with being from New Jersey. Why is your skin so tan? It's orange. It's orange, practically. But no, I used to get bent out of shape. I'd be like, no, people from New Jersey like that. I'm the same way about people from Texas, you know? Me too. They showed the Super Bowl. Before the Super Bowl, they showed guys riding on horses. They show the landscape. Jamie and I are watching. We're like, I have never been on a horse. They're showing oil rigs going up and down. I'm like, oh my gosh. No, stereotype. There's all stereotypes that I think people want to rage against. Listen, people from Texas aren't all country. Woods is from Texas, but you know that he is not all country. He picks the music for us.
This is on his CD that he made. Yeah! It's a CD he made today. Those darn stereotypes. I hate those stereotypes. Yeah, I hate those stereotypes. As he's dead in a dip of Copenhagen. Mexicans ever eat burritos? Yeah. Had one yesterday. Probably have had one every day of my life. Fair enough. Do you from New Jersey ever start fights? Hello. Hello. Oh, this sounds so good in my eardrums. Oh, it's amazing. Does that do anything for you, L.O.B.? I like country. What about you, Sienna? I like it. Jay, don't even have to ask. Come on. I do like it. Girls. Chris don't like it. Chris is out. You didn't get it. It's so relaxing. I don't drink anymore, but it makes me want to be like whiskey. Yeah. Hey, let's play buzzword. Oh, yeah. 5701949. Now, for buzzword, you have to pick me, Sienna, Woods, or L.O.B. You have to select one of us to represent you. L.O.B. is the best at it. Just saying. She's pretty good. She's pretty good. She's pretty good. Prize J?
I have tickets, a round of engagement tickets to The Lincoln Lawyer with Matthew McConaughey. That looks good. That movie looks good. All right, let's call us. 5701-949. You're picking one of us. This is new, Avril? Yes. Why do I like it? Why do I? I'm middle-aged now, so I can do whatever I want. I can care less. Is it because I'm middle-aged and I'm like, oh, she's... Young? No, it's not because we're creeps. I don't think I'm a creep. But when you get older, you stop raging and fighting and having ideals about music and literature like me. That's my excuse. Yeah. And I was thinking about last night. I was looking at my last two Rolling Stone covers, Justin Bieber and Snooki, and I go, I'm done.
I'm too old. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just going to be me. Yeah, now I listen to it and I go, yeah, I feel like the guy wearing dad jeans eating ice cream and not caring. Yeah, absolutely. Just at your kid's soccer game in a big chair. Like, hey, what's up? Eating nachos. Yeah, somebody walks up and they're like, hey, did you leave the lights on on your sienna? And you're like, yeah, that's mine. I sure did. Yeah, I'll take care of that. The minivan. The minivan. Is that your minivan out there? Is the lights on? Oh, yeah. Let me get that. Why is your hat so far up on your head? Why do you have your sweater tucked into your jeans? Why do you have on a brown rope belt? Why is it dangling down by your feet? Why do you have a holster for your cell phone? Why is your shirt so faded that you're still wearing it? Is that a Tommy Hilfiger old faded Tommy Hilfiger shirt? Why are you wearing Aramis cologne? Can you squat in those jeans or are they really tight? Oh, my gosh. Are those loafers with tassels, by the way? Did you put a penny in that loafer? Oh, my gosh. Babs just don't give an ass. They don't care. They don't care. It's about comfort. It's about.
It's about comfort. It's about, you know why my phone is in a damn holster? Because it's easier to get that way. I don't give a crap what you think. And, hey, I paid damn good money for this phone. I'm not about to drop it, okay, and scratch it all up. And I'm also not a teenager. I'm not going to keep it in my pocket. Right. Oh, dude. And that's why dads are like, My dad won't go shopping for new clothes. You have to have a gun to his head. He's like, I've got shirts for 15 years ago. You just don't buy new stuff. Used to be red. Now it's pink. It's pink. It's faded so much. Yellow turns to white. Black turns to gray. That's right. 5701949. We're going to play buzzword here in just a second. Sienna, what's going on in the news? Well, it looks like the Republican Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin may be moving towards compromise. Now, over the last three weeks, there's been a battle over his effort to strip most of the public workers of their collective bargaining rights. Well, some emails were released yesterday by his office.
It looks like the governor has offered to keep certain collective bargaining rights in place, so it's going to make a lot of people happy. Also, yesterday, the Tootsie Bandit. Now, this is a local bank robber. Have you heard of the Tootsie Bandit? No, but I'm going to guess it has to do with Tootsie Rolls. It has to do with Tootsie Bandit. No, it's a cross-dressing bank robber, a man who wore a wig, sunglasses, makeup, and has robbed three different banks in San Diego. Like Tootsie the movie. Yes. He has... pleaded guilty yesterday to robbery and attempted robbery charges. He is facing a maximum of seven years and eight months in prison. Oh, wow. His sentencing is April 6th, so we'll find out. There you go. Woodsy, what's going on in sports? Well, sports is brought to us today by Frank's Red Hot. Frank's Red Hot. Yes, sir. That's right. So we have some information on Jim Trestle. He's the head coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes, and he's in a little bit of trouble. Basically, there was a story before the bowl game last year that five of his players had traded memorabilia for tattoos, which is brilliant in its own right. But apparently Jim Trestle knew about this before. He was twice emailed by a senator. And the senator said, hey, listen, we've got this information. Trestle said, I'll look into it and I'll take care of it. Never did. Sat on the information. Didn't say anything. Here he is talking about what's going on with him. Cut one. Quite honestly, I was scared.
Obviously, I'm disappointed that this happened at all. I take my responsibility for what we do at Ohio State tremendously seriously. If it's tremendously seriously. Tremendously seriously. I had a problem with that, too. He's also, Mike, he's been suspended the first two games and fined $250,000. And those five players will be suspended the first five games of next year. So they have no coach for two games. Those five players, including quarterback Terrell Pryor, won't be playing in the first five games of next year. If it's a rule, it's a rule. To me, who cares? To me, when you tell me that that's something wrong, I don't care. It's improper benefits. You can't do that. You just can't do it. Just for the sake of argument, devil's advocate here. And I've already agreed that it's wrong because it's a rule. You can't. But I want to. Can you walk me through this? Let's say I played for Ohio State and I got what? Woods. Give me an example of what I got. You won the Sugar Bowl and you got a ring. Okay. Anything else? It's worth $3,000. Anything else? You got a gift bag full of stuff when you went there. Oh, great. Let's take that one. I got a gift bag. I take it over to the tattoo shop. I go, hey, can I have a tattoo? You can have this.
It's called a trade. I don't get it. It's yours. It is. Who cares? The NCAA is very strict. Well, are they? But they come down when they want to come down on certain programs when the time is right. And the fact that their head coach knew that this was going on and knew it was against the rules and still didn't say anything and then came out and said, well, I was scared. I didn't know what to do. He knew what to do, and he just didn't do it. And then quickly, this is a pretty interesting story. Baltimore Ravens safety Tom Zbikowski, who is one of my favorite football players, he was an Irishman, but he wants to box Chad Ochocinco. And Ochocinco has been running mouth on Twitter and said that Zbikowski was too slow to fight him. Tom Zbikowski is a professional boxer. And I let Ochocinco know as much on Twitter that Tommy Z would knock his block off. Have a ball. That big fat mouth got him in trouble finally. Did you really? Absolutely, I did. He's a clown. King clown. Why are you stirring the pot with Ocho Zinko? Because I love Tom Zibikowski. Who's Tom Zibikowski? Tommy Z, dude, is a safety from Notre Dame, plays for the Ravens. Starting safety. Yeah. Who knows that except you and Notre Dame fans? Everybody. Everybody? Everybody.
Everybody. And he's a boxer, too. Everybody, yeah. But Ocho Cinco's been running his mouth again. It's going to get him in trouble. And so Tommy Z challenged him to a fight on the Dan Patrick show, said, let's do it. And now Ocho probably won't do it. Wait, why is Ocho Cinco the clown if Tommy Z challenged him? Because Ocho Cinco challenged him first and then said, you couldn't beat me. You're too slow. Tommy Z goes, okay, well, let's do it. 570-1949 is our number. We're going to play. Buzzword. I'm Mikey. That's Woods. That's Lauren O'Brien. That is Sienna. That's J, our producer. And our phone screen today is Chris. It's Chris. It's Chris. Hi. I thought it was that call. It's okay, Mike. He's a bit of a tornado today. No, I'm not. I didn't do anything. He's a little distracted today. I'm not distracted. I'm focused. I thought the Indian people were calling me again. It wasn't them. It wasn't. Woods looked at his phone, and when they break eye contact, it throws Mike off. It does. I know. Because I tell him, don't have your phone. But I wanted to put it on the air, but it wasn't them. All right. It will be hysterical when it happens, and it will happen. Let's try Buzzword. M1 Andy from Vista, who do you want? M1. Yeah. Yeah, of course. M1 Sean from Escondido, who do you want? Wood. It's a good choice. He does good.
Gosh. I'm on Jean from Mission Valley. Who do you want? You Mike. Oh, thank you. Every week. Same bit. I'm on Trish. You're stuck with. Sienna. I love your pretend enthusiasm. Thank you. Hang on a line, please. You know, every time I doodle while we're going through this, I'm like, maybe if I don't look at people, they won't know. Sienna, you're going to do great this time. You're going to do good. Oh, yeah. The first time we played. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Jay's going to give us a buzzword. Then he's going to give us clues. And our answer has to include that buzzword. Oh, boy. All right. Now we have to shout it out. Jay, what's the word? What's the word, Jay? Come on! Come on! Today's word, children, is cow. Oh, boy. C-O-W. Oh, boy. Clear your mind, Sienna. Clear your mind. Clear your mind. Here we go. Oh, boy. Exclamation. Holy cow! That was a tie. I'm going to give a point to each of you. Look at you. Very sweet. I can't clear my line. Here we go. Hindu belief. Sacred cow! What was it? Sacred cow. Hindu belief. Sacred cow. That's a saying. I don't think it's...
I know it's their bit. It isn't that it's a saying. It's just the... People that are amorous towards cows. I love cows. It's not a saying. No, there is such a thing as a sacred cow. Yeah, I know. I'm sure there is. Wow. Complain much? Here we go. Western horseback rider. Cowboy! Lauren, for the point. House close. Lauren, 3D Woods won. Sienna, you're going to get this one. Yeah, sure. Bart Simpson's way of telling you to calm down. Yes, Sienna. No. Say it again. That's not it? Bart Simpson's way of telling you to calm down. Don't have a cow, man. Gosh darn it. Wow, she's good. I hate you right now. She's so good. I know. She's so good. I missed it, though. It's true. Oh, we're talking about the game. Okay. Before the dish ran away with a spoon. The cow jumped over the spoon. She is freakish with this game. Holy crap. She is freakish with this game. I quit. Here we go. This one I've never... We're going to skip it. It's five to one, by the way. Leather. Cow skin! Cow side! You said cow hide, right? Cow hide. Yes. Diddy! I did. Diddy! You did. Mike's on the chart here. For a long, long time. For a long...
Long. Till the cows come home! I got it right when she said it. She's so good. She's so good. I hate cow. Hi, cows! Merle! Why do you know so many cows? I didn't know I did. A real moneymaker. Cash cow! Nice one. Just all by yourself. Nice one. Oh, this is fun. Flinging them in a contest. What? What? Cowavunga. Fling them in a contest. Throw cows. Sling. Slinging cows. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Cow herd. Cow patty. Frisbee cows. Cow tossing. Cow tossing. Cow tippy. Cow patty. Cow pie. I'm going to give it to Mikey. Cow fire. It's cow chips, but cow patty works well. What did he say? Fling? Yeah. Yeah, fling. You guys want a couple more? Yeah. Okay, we're going to do a couple more. Down. The new word is down. How dare you? D-O-W-N. Down. Boxing term for a fallen fighter. Knock down! Down for the count! Lauren? Well, Lauren's won anyway. Lauren has 900 points. What's the score? Make this one worth a million. These are worth five each. Lauren's seven. Woods and Mike each have two. So this is, we've got two 10-pointers.
Oh, Lauren, she's still going to go. I know. The word's down. Thick, fluffy cover for... Down comforter! Sienna. Yes! What's your score? What was the answer? Sienna. Down comforter. Sienna, 10. Lauren, 7. What did Mike do? Holy cow. Here we go. This is for all the guava beans. Okay. Direct, practical, honest. Down and out. Down to earth! Woods. Yeah! Now we have a tie, though. Oh, it wins. Oh, I won. Yes. He got 12. Lauren O'Brien is seething. She's being really calm about it. The screwed becomes the screwy. Oh, no. She's being really calm about it. She is. Feels real good, doesn't it? Screwed Andy over. Oh, my God. Hey, feels real good, doesn't it? Andy, I'm very sorry. Screwed Andy over. L.O.B. almost had it. I got second place. M1 Sean from Escondido.
I am so excited right now. We've never done that on Buzzword before. Woods has won for you. Lauren is a machine. That was awesome. It's the worst when you get like 10 right and lose. It's the worst. I was getting worried there. I would never. I would not have been anything. Holy cow. It was the worst. Hang on a line. Hang on a line. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's tough. Why did we do 8,000 of them anyway? I dominated Cal. Why did we go to down? Next time we'll have, we should have a given point, you know? Like how many we do. How many we're going to do. I don't know. I'd already expended all of my energy to Cal. We like to change the rules a lot. Yep. You did pretty good. I got to give it to you. You did pretty good. You did great. Pretty good only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. That is true. Oh, wow. Earlier, we were talking about Justin Bieber, and Uncle Victor has a message for... Nice Bieber. Hey, how you doing? I'm Uncle Victor, and I want to talk to you about... This is Uncle Victor for... Pull up your pants already. Walking down the neighborhood like that with you. It looks like I can see your butt. You're walking around here. You look like this.
You're embarrassing your ma. 23 years old. You're embarrassing your pa. Pull him up, you jerk. You're dressing like a street dog. You hear the words of the song. He says, my clothes may still be torn and tattered. But in your heart, you're acting like an idiot. Stop it already. It's embarrassing. Pull up your pants. You started laughing a little bit. You started laughing a little bit there. Wow. What do you think of every time you hear that song? Period. Of course. You think of Goodfellas, man. That is it. Of course. You think of Goodfellas. Oh, it's funny. Let's see. You look like a mobster. I can't believe you look like a mobster. Jay's going to be acting in 10 minutes, guys. Oh, my gosh. Yes. He is going to be doing this scene. As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time.
I'm not Mr. Anderson. From the Matrix. How do you like that? So get ready. Let's see. Oh, I got an email for you. Mikey, ever just have your friend steal your thunder? Ha ha. Yep, just happened to me. Oh, wow. That is true. Said a group of us went out on Friday night and I told them all that I was going to have a St. Paddy's Day party this year. The next day. One of those buddies sends out an Evite to his St. Paddy's Day party. He invited all of our friends. I was instantly hurt, sad, and fearful when I got it. Now, if you don't know, that is what I say anger actually is. Anger is actually hurt, sad, or fear. Hurt, sadness, or fear. He says, I'm being a girl because I'm mad at him. It actually hurt my feelings. Thanks, M1BearPaw.
Now, it's all right to feel any way you want. Just can't wipe it all over somebody's face. Personally, my thought on this is if this dude had plans to have a St. Paddy's Day party, it's not his bad that his friend was too. And I don't think that you call off a party that you planned because your friend is having a party and happened to say it. You still go ahead with your plans. Wouldn't he have said, though, oh, wait, I'm planning on having a party. Unless he felt bad. I know that if it were me, it would be like, it's like when Woods has a good idea or I have a good idea and we're in a meeting and Jay goes, hey, I had that written down right here, too. I was going to do that, too. And so maybe you feel self-conscious. You don't want to be that guy. But then you're passive-aggressive and send out an event? Right. What's the better thing to do? Pull him aside and say, hey. Yes. This could be awkward, but. Absolutely. L.O.B. is correct. The best thing to do would be to pull him aside and say, hey, man, just so you know, like, I was planning on having a party, too. Yeah, and he should have said something when they were all out. Yeah. You know, and said, oh, dude, I was going to throw a party. Maybe we do it together. Just at my house. I think that the guy that, Bear Paw, Bear Claw? Bear Paw. Bear Paw. I think he should call up his friend and be like, hey, man, how come, um.
How come you're having a party on the same night that I'm having a party? You were there when I said it. You know? It's aggressive, though, isn't it? A little bit. It's direct. I remember when Woods said the thing about the Range Rover. I stayed silent. I stayed dead silent. Even though... That he said a Range Rover's his dream car? Yeah. I stayed silent. Well, I saw the divorcee in my neighborhood guy. He was recently divorced. And Rebecca and I passed him. He was pulled over on the side of the road in our neighborhood texting. And he was in a brand new Range Rover. And I go, holy cow. That is nice. This was even before I had been fired from the other station. Was it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. When you saw it. When I saw it. And Rebecca goes, midlife crisis. I said, I don't care. That thing's hot. Yeah, badass.
Uh, and I looked at it on the internet and it's got all this iPod connections and it's, you know, it's a technology machine. Now when Wood said it, what do you do? Do you go, Hey, I just want you to know I've got dibs on that. No, it's different though. That's different. It's a car. Oh, that's my dream car. You should say, Oh, mine too. And then say, dude, I've been checking out. What if it isn't my dream car? It's just the car that I wanted to get. Well, then you say, oh, dude, I've been looking at them online. Yeah. I think I'm going to get it. Do you know it has this, this, this? That's different, though. You have to say it right away. You have to say something right away. But then doesn't the person think that you're like, really? No, no. Not in that case. What if today I came in and go, hey, guys, I just wanted you to know my wife and I got a new house and we're going to have a housewarming, like a barbecue. And I want to do it. I'm going to get things together and I'll let you know. It's going to be a barbecue. It's going to be soon. Maybe even this weekend. Next day, Mike sends out an email to a barbecue at his house on Saturday night. It's the same. I'll tell you why it's different. The reason that it's different is because St. Patrick's Day comes once a year. And so that is egregious. What you just said right now is bad. That would be a bad move. You would be bad. Of course. Yeah. But you don't think that guy's being bad? It's St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day, which is once a year. Have an Easter party.
Oh, wow. What if Woods came in and said, hey, guys, we're going to have a new place. I want to have a Memorial Day barbecue, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And talked about how, oh, it's going to be great. We're going to have hot dogs, this and that. And then the next day you send out your Memorial Day barbecue. Okay, now here's my question to you. Now, if I had already had a plan for Memorial Day party, when he says that, and by the way, call us, 5701-949. I want to get M1's thoughts on this. If I had already been thinking about having one, when Woods said that, is it at that point that I go, Hey, hey, just so you know. What day? Well, it's Memorial Day. Dude, immediately. It's Memorial Day. Saturday, Sunday, Monday. No, immediately you say, oh, dude, really? Because I was going to have one. I was going to have one. And if we're buddies, which we are, we would be able to say that to each other. You know what I mean? Okay, so what's the solution there? So he has one for 4th of July then. No, that's weak, man. You go to Mike's because you know the food's going to be better. Instantly you've got a different thought, LOB, than Woods does. No, you're already having the party. He just announced it, so he would want dibs on it. He's the one that said it. Well, you know, if I said, hey, I'm having a Memorial Day cookout, and that's immediately what I was doing. Rebecca and I were going to plan something. Me knowing me, if this exact situation had happened, and we're friends just like these two guys, I'd be like, oh, no kidding. Well, okay, save me the headache. We'll come to your house. Yeah, and then wouldn't you just have one on a different day? I just wouldn't have one. I'd just be like, oh, great, we're going to Mike's.
No skin off my back. Yeah, but if you had already had the wheels in motion, you're like, I didn't get a chance to send out the Evite or anything yet, but Rebecca's already bought all this food and sodas and blah, blah, blah. I'm bad at social grace. Listen, I'd be scared. I'd be like... To say that you were having a party too? Yeah. No, I mean, but you better do it. Because I think that that's going to be weird. If you don't say anything and you can't do it, you have to say it. And you've got to say it quick. Say it right away, then they know that you are really planning it. Right. Because if you wait, then they'll think, you just came up with this. You're a jerk, dude. Really? You're trying to top me and one-up me? You've got to say it. Right then. I get the words out of my mouth. You're like, oh, dude, we were going to have one, which is what you would do and what I would do. Exactly. I wouldn't. I'd be afraid. No, you wouldn't. I'd be afraid. I would. No. Dude. Not with me. I would. Why? Stepping on toes. I'm going to step on toes, that I'm hurting feelings, that I'm, you know, I'd be fine as long as it was said right away. If you waited a day, I'd be like, you're a monster. You're a monster. Yeah, if you waited an hour, you'd be a monster. You'd be a monster. And even if you were just sort of toying with the idea, but you hadn't said anything in motion, then that's kind of like, eh. You didn't really have anything planned. He really wants to do this. Now.
That puts a whole new spin on it. If you were like, we should do something, we should do something, but you never put a date. Okay, Rebecca and I have decided we're going to do it Saturday, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if you were just kind of talking about it, if he's already made the executive decision, we're going to have it, then sorry. Question for all of you. Let's take this Memorial Day thing, all right? Memorial weekend. If Wood says, hey, guys, we got this thing dialed in. You know, Jamie and I have put some planning into it. You guys are going to be blown away. We have got this big party planned for Saturday on Memorial Day. It's going to be badass, right? He throws a gauntlet down. And everybody's like, cool. If the next day I send out an Evite for a Memorial Day party on Sunday, different day. You're okay. Really? Yeah. You're okay. Or you're trying to top my party. Okay, so what if I say it's Friday? Or what if your announcement was that on Sunday you were going to have a party? And I send out an invite the next day going, Memorial Day party, Saturday. Now I'm taking it before you. Either way, you say. You can't throw a party when your friend is already throwing a party. You can have a like...
Why don't you do a brunch? Maybe some sort of get-together or something that's not in a formal e-vite or whatever. Because it is. It's a three-day weekend. So you can be like, oh, we'll do the party at your place. And if anyone wants to come over and... I'll tell you what I would never do. I would never have a party if I wasn't planning one. I would never have a party if I wasn't planning one. But if I was planning to have one and I hadn't verbalized it, somebody else does, now you've got a dilemma. And that's what I want to know, what people think. 570-1949 or... what you think of this guy, you know, just what he did at all. And which is, you know, it's a little, could be considered dance. 5701949. When we come back, Jay's going to act. We'll take your calls, but Jay's going to act too. The Matrix. That's Adel. That's good. I like it. Oh my gosh, man. Jay will be acting in that. Oh, I can't wait. I have a question for LOB and Sienna. Do you guys have a specific time that you do your makeup? Because you girls will do your makeup. No. When I feel like I'm tired of looking haggard, then I'll do it. Me too, exactly. Is that it? Yeah.
Because both Lauren and Sienna, they put makeup on every morning, but I noticed that it's kind of random. Yeah, it is. Totally random. Some days I won't do it. Some days I'll do it before you guys come in here. Some days I'll do it in the middle of the show, commercial break. Very rarely I'll go and do it before the show starts. What happens in your head that makes you go, it's time? I feel like an old lady. Really? And all of a sudden it just occurs to you? You're like, oh yeah, I could look better by putting on a fake face. Yeah. I forget that I haven't done it a lot of times. Me too. So then I'm like, oh gosh. I know. I'm like, you guys have been looking at me? The sun's out? Yeah. And I just, we wake up so early. It needs, something needs to be done. Fascinates me. Fascinates me how the human mind works. The woman, the female mind. The female mind is just, it's, you know. It's years. I mean, years and years. They still haven't figured it out. 2011 has not been figured out. And not even really close to being figured out. No, no, no, no. We sit here and put our makeup on in front of the guys. They watch like, wow. Yeah, yeah. I used to go to the bathroom and then I saw, I've never been one of those girls who can just take a compact. So I'm still working on it. I went and bought a compact and I'm like, I put my makeup on in the car on the go always. I can't. I know. While driving. I enjoy.
watching and seeing like what people's process is. The voyeur, yeah. Black socks up to your knees. No, not to a window. Not to a window. Cigarette. No. Not in a wetsuit. Legs crossed. A wetsuit. But it's true though. I mean, you'll see things that you would have never known. Oh yeah. I love to people watch. I'll sit in a cafe and watch people walk by all day long. Can you not do that anymore? I beg you. I beg you. Stop licking your index finger. I beg you to stop. It's the greatest. I don't like it. It's a voyeur move. It's very creepy. No, it's like a Ted Bundy move. It's a psychopath move. Gross when you do that. It's a weird laugh. Yours is perfect. I'm one of Alan from Carlsbad. Are you there, Alan? Alan is calling about this email. Let me just review this real quick, Alan, and I want to get your take on it. This guy wrote us and said, hey, ever just have your friend steal your thunder? Ha ha. A group of us went out on Friday night and I told them all.
that I was going to have a St. Paddy's Day party this year. The next day, one of my buddies sends out an Evite for his St. Paddy's party. He invited all of our friends. I was instantly hurt, sad, and fearful when I got it. Am I being a girl because I'm mad at him? It actually hurt my feelings. Thanks, M1BearPaw. What do you think, Alan? Well, I have a good dude that sent out an Evite. It's kind of a wuss for not stepping up when they were talking about it. But if he was a good enough friend to where it hurts his feelings... They should just combine the parties and have a big, huge, gigantic party. There you go. Yeah, what if the guy doesn't... What if the guy has no interest in that? I don't know why his feelings are getting hurt then. He's not getting a friend to talk to him. What if Bearclaw never has parties and he's like... Been wanting to, wanting to, wanting to. He's like, okay, St. Paddy's Day. I'm going to do it. I'm going to pull the trigger. I'm going to have a party. And other clown, Evite guy, always has parties. He's like, well, I don't want to do it at his place. I want to do it at my place. What if Bearclaw's parties are freaking terrible?
And all the other people were like, hey, man, maybe you step up and just have a party because I don't want to go to this guy's house and play darts all day. You know what I mean? Maybe his parties are terrible. I guarantee that thought went through Bear Pops' mind. I guarantee. He's like, what, are my parties bad? My parties are lame, aren't they? Yeah. Get an astro jump. You're questioning everything. Get some slipping slides. You guys might be right. Thank you, bro. Could be. Thank you. 570-1949. There's an art. to the party. Oh, yeah. There's an art to the party. Our friends, the Dugans, have it down. They do... They do a good party. Oh, my gosh. They do a good party. They are both a combination of good party, like, right stuff to eat, comfort, you know, good host. Your wife and you got it down. Our fake baby shower was incredible. It was incredible. It was. How much fun was that? No, Sienna. Don't ignore it. I'm ignoring it. I don't want to talk about it. It makes me upset. He says fake baby shower. It was a real baby shower. It was a shower for a fake kid, but the deal is it was a hell of a party. The food was outstanding. You want to have plenty of seating for everyone. You can't run out of food. It was well decorated.
More important than food. I'm ignoring him. You can't run out of alcohol. Numero uno. That's true. Even if you have some lighting. Lighting makes a huge difference at a party. Oh, yeah. Music is big. Music needs to be good. Stop it, Woods. Talk about a different party. The Super Bowl party. Your Super Bowl party. Perfect. Dude, okay. Compare last year's Super Bowl party to this year's. Miles above. Miles above. Because we had a TV outside. You had a TV outside. I think the food was... I think people brought... more stuff. There was more people there. No, there were more people there, but it was spaced out. Yeah, it was really fun. It was a really fun party. My wife had such a blast, she didn't watch one second of the game. I would be so hurt if we ever stopped the Super Bowl party. I will be hurt if you do too. It's a lot of fun. It's really fun. Did you guys have a piñata? You know that. Oh my gosh. You should. You know what's hysterical? You should have had a piñata. The first year we threw the Super Bowl party. There was a pinata. I wish I'd gone to that one. I have pictures. Who doesn't like that? Adults love pinatas. Yes, they do. Anytime they're at a kid's party and the kids are swinging, every adult's like, get me at that pinata. Give me the stick, you little queen. Did you have it on a tree? No, it was on that thing that we have the ivy on. That trussel, whatever. That gym trussel that we have out in the backyard. You gotta put it on a tree and then move it. You should fill it with like...
Lottery tickets and stuff. Don't you tell Mikey how to run a pinata? That's true. That's true. He's got it down. Yeah. Come on into the room, Jay. I can't just do it from here? No. No, I want him as uncomfortable as possible. Come in here. Come in here and squirm. My microphone is so much better than that one. Come on. This microphone. Did you hear that? He needs the proper equipment. His microphone. It's the tool of my trade. His what? His microphone. My microphone is so much better. I didn't know I said microphone. Microphone. Boy, you ever put underneath a microscope? Yes. Jay, how do you feel right now? Did you dream about it last night? You run your line? I was fine last night. It's today when it's like, what was I thinking? Just shut your mouth and take it. His knees are going back and forth. Now. I wish I'd have brought some spectacles. Oh. I can't see the paper. I am going to narrate, okay? Which means I'm just going to describe straight from the script exactly what they saw on the script. And it's a scene from The Matrix. Jay will be playing the part of the bad guy, the interrogator, Agent Smith. And Woods will be playing the part of Neo, originally played by Keanu Reeves. Yeah, that's right.
Are you ready, Jay? I feel ready. Now, I have to set this up. The reason that we're doing this at all is because we sometimes poke a little fun at Jay. Sometimes. Because we feel that his acting skills, you know, he's... I'll put it this way. Woods often says, easy, De Niro. How many movies have you guys been in? Zero. Actually, not true. I was in one movie. I was an extra in the movie. Beverly Hills Cop 3. Nice. At Great America Amusement Park. I had a speaking part in two movies. I've got a profile on IMDb. Wow. Do you really? What movies? It was for the competition, but it was a movie put together by Chainsaw. Really? Yeah. Oh, gosh. Those don't count. You're talking about the movie that Dave Shelley... Okay, I was in that movie. But did you have a speaking role? Yes, I was the very end of the movie. I end their movie, DSC's movie. I'm on YouTube. I didn't count that. You have to count it. It was a release in the movie theater. It has to be on IMDb. It has to be for sale at some place. Turns out I was in two movies then. Yeah, there you go. Okay, Jay. You guys are such professional actors. That's what I wanted to just establish. All right, are you ready, Jay? And I was in Finian's Rainbow on screen. Oh, and maybe a thing. What movie? Finian's Rainbow. It wasn't a movie. It was a play.
Plebeian. You're really talking yourself up right now. Wow, Jay. Was that off-market? It was high school. It was off-off-Broadway. It was off-off-Broadway. It was actually Des Moines, Iowa. It was a high school play. Yeah, it was Conroe, Texas. Conroe, Texas. High school. A bastion of actors. Everybody knows it. It's kind of where you start. That's right. I think Pacino originally studied at Conroe. Are you ready? I'm ready. A wide-angle view. of a white room where Neo is sitting at a table alone. We move on to the monitor, entering the room as if the monitor were a window. At the same moment, the door opens and the agents enter. Agent Smith sits down across from Neo. A thick manila envelope slaps down on the table between them. Neo glances at the name on the file. It says, Anderson Thomas. As you can see, we've had our eye on you for quite some time, Mr. Anderson. He opens the file. Paper rattle marks the silence as he flips several pages. Neo cannot tell if he's looking at the file or at him. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life, you're a Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, and you pay taxes.
And you help your landlady carry out the garbage. The pages continue to turn. The other life is lived in computer. Jasper. Where you hack for a living, Neo. And you're guilty of virtually every computer crime that we have a law for. Including unauthorized use of the DMV system for removal of automobile boots. Automobile what? He didn't read one sentence. Correctly. I know. For the record. FYI. But I faked my way through it. You did. You did. Mikey, don't read the next line. Because you will read what's up. No, I won't. Okay. Neo feels himself sinking into a dark pit. One of these lives has a future. One of them does not. He closes the file. I'm going to be as Ford coming as possible. Ford coming? Ford coming. Ford coming. It's a famous Civil War. You are here because we need your help.
He removes his sunglasses and his eyes are an unnatural ice blue. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual. A man who calls himself Morpheus. Whatever you think you know about this man is a revelerant. Whoa, wow. Save that. Save that. Save that. Save it. He just wanted for an act of terrorism. Wait, wait, wait. Slow down, slow down. Go ahead. You can start the sentence again if you would like. Irreverent. Whatever you think and you know about this man is irreverent. To the fact that he is wanted for acts of terrorism in more countries than any man in the world. He is considered as many authorities to be a dangerous man alive. He leans closer. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you. But I believe you want to do the right thing. It is obvious that you're an intelligent man, Mr. Anderson.
And that you're interested in the future. And that is why I believe we are ready to put the past mistakes behind you and get on with your life. Neo tries to match his stare. We are willing to wipe the slate clear. To give you a fresh start. Clean, clean. And all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing known terrorists to justice. Neo nods to himself. Yeah, wow. That sounds like a real good deal. But I think I have a better one. How about I give you the finger? And he does. And you cram that file up your Secret Service sphincter. Agent Smith puts his glasses back on. You disappoint me, Mr. Anderson. You ain't seen nothing yet. The irony of the situation is that you have no choice. You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call. Agent Smith smiles. And tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call if you're unable to speak? Okay. That's outstanding. Yeah! I quit. That was maybe my favorite. That was maybe my favorite. Irreverent. What did he say? Irreverent. Irreverent. Irreverent. Irrelevant. It sounded right in my head. He never said irrelevant, by the way. Irreverent. Irreverent. I want that whole segment to be my ringtone. Yes, the whole thing. When my phone rings, and it can ring 18 times in a row, that's what I want it to be. I've already got an idea for next week. Jay's Acting Challenge has...
Got to happen every week. Now, oh, I got to write an idea down for our meeting today. That was, I just, just gave me an idea. It's a new game. Oh, that was so great. That is hard. That's. You did good, Jay. Yeah. Thanks, Sienna, for having my back, Lauren. Yeah. I have your back. I was going to try to play some distracting sound clips, but I can figure out. It was brilliant. How many times did you practice that last night, buddy? Didn't. Impressive. That's my commitment. No, I swear. The only time I did, I printed it out this morning and then made copies for everybody and highlighted their lines. We didn't say you had to do a cold read. I know, but I thought it'd be better. Thank you for that, Jay. It was something else. It was something else. There was one, like Mikey said, there was one stanza that wasn't even close. And I mean like. It wasn't even close. He was making up lines. I was looking at Mike. He was looking at me. I'm like, are we in the wrong page? I got nervous. My paper started kind of jumping around. I'm like, I'm going to wing it. It was awesome. He didn't have his glasses on. So, you know, he couldn't really see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spectral. As you know, Charlie Sheen was fired. You're fired. You're fired. He was fired from the TV show Two and a Half Men.
Thought he might come back. He thought he might come back. He thought that it could all get resolved. He'd be back to work. Well, he made enough of an ass of himself that they didn't want him back. And so got fired. My computer ever slow. I was wondering what was happening. I was waiting for it to play. Charlie Sheen is angry that Warner Brothers fired him from two and a half men via text message. He's mad about that. Yeah. He said they could have had the common decency to do it via insane rambling webcast. Pretty good line. That's good stuff. Except he said via instead of via. Via. That was driving me nuts. It's as nuts as you guys in verse and verses. Yes. I'm sorry, but I'm not changing it. Man vs. Wild. Oh, wow. Man vs. Wild. Oh, wow. Not even close. Chargers vs. Steelers. No. You know, Charlie does a webcast from home on Ustream. It's called Charlie's Corner. The K. What is that? I don't get it. What is the K? Just being different. Okay. And he's now got a produced intro for the show. He had an intro produced. By the way, this is real. No way.
This is a bit. You're doing a bit. No, no, no, no, no. This is a bit you did in your office this morning. This is not a viral YouTube thing. I didn't do it. It's really how Charlie Sheen starts his Ustream show. I like it. Do you realize how petty you sound right now? What the truth? You handle the truth. This is the end. The doors, the end, by the way, is a reference to. Apocalypse Now. Correct. The movie his dad was in. That's it. That's the...
One minute and 13 second intro to his show called Sheen's Corner. Now, Charlie pointed out a couple of weeks ago that much like the character Colonel Kurtz in his dad's movie Apocalypse Now, you have the right to kill him. You don't have the right to judge him. The only thing he didn't mention was that in the movie, the reason that they were going to find Colonel Kurtz is because he had gone legally insane. Oh, wow. I thought to myself when I heard him say I was like, Did he forget that part? He's lost his mind, dude. He's lost his mind. Imagine if you were quoting Jack Nicholson from One Flew Over the Coopers. See, that's what makes me think it's a bit. Because he is so deep into this that when he comes out the other side, he's going to look like some kind of crazy hero. If he was really doing, what did he say? Smoking seven gram rocks of cocaine. If he was really smoking seven gram rocks of cocaine, he probably did brain damage. Yeah. If he did it long enough.
Yeah, which he has. Yeah. For a long time. You know, with alcohol and other stuff, you know. Hey, man, I know I did damage to my brain when I was drinking. I drank so much and a lot. I drank large quantities per day for years. And I cannot remember short term. I can remember long term like nobody's business. I mean, I remember stuff from eight years ago. Actually longer. Like I can remember stuff from my childhood crystal clear. But if you ask me something from last night. What do we do in the second break today? No clue. Not without looking at a piece of paper. I have no clue. No idea. Same with me. None. I don't think anybody does. But I'll forget what I, I'll forget if I, this is dangerous. I'll forget if I took medicine. Yeah. Don't remember. So you could double up if you had to. You need to get one of those Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I have one. Oh. But sometimes I forget to take it. And then I go, well, is that actually supposed to be Tuesday or is that Monday? Yeah, bad. So, yeah, it's possible that he's gone cuckoo. Yes. In fact, I think he probably has. We're going to do something right now that you fellas are going to love. Listen, I'll give her credit. Sienna knows if you should be wearing it or if you shouldn't be wearing it.
So you can call us right now and get Sienna certified. It's very important to be certified by Sienna. I mean, am I a B? No, just honest. No, you're honest. Okay, so you just call and you go, Sienna, do you approve this? Maybe you wear this, you wear this with this, you wear this with this. I do it with her all the time. I do too. I do it with her all the time. Sienna, is this okay? So we found out from Sienna, cargo shorts. are out. Lame. Cargo shorts are out. Now, I also found out and don't agree with, so are umbrellas for guys. I don't agree with that. Your chain wallet, gone? Chain wallet is gone. Been gone for a year and a half. Longer. Two years. Because of her. 5701949. You can be a guy or a girl. You can call us if you're a dude and say...
should I be doing this? Or you could call and say, should my husband be doing this? That's a good one. 570-1949. Might be a perfect album. I listen to it on repeat over and over and over again. All right, call us right now if you want to be Sienna certified. All right, this is what that means. What it means is that Sienna will approve whatever it is. Like, okay, I'll give you an example. Maybe you're a guy, you call, you go, hey. If I'm going out for a night out of town, how do you feel about scarves? Sienna, where do you stand on leather jackets? Color, you know, like what's acceptable? Speaking of, be honest. Okay. You all right with my leather jacket that has the hoodie underneath it? Oh, no. There that goes. Oh.
She thought it was really cold out. I thought it was double layered. Oh, it's built in hooding? Yeah. It's a fake sweatshirt underneath. You're pulling the bit? that I hate more than any other bit in the world. It's my last resort. My friend Bobby Mastros used to get these shirts. That's what got me. I didn't mind until I knew it was a fake cut. See, then she knew it, and she didn't like it. But you liked it before then? You would do that bit. He's like, dude, this shirt's Versace. I'm like, a turd is a turd. You can polish up a turd, but then she liked it. You know on Christmas vacation, the uncle that has the sweater with the fake turtleneck underneath? It's called the Dickie. Yeah, it is. It's brilliant. I've got one. That's what Mikey's jacket is. Yeah, you have a dicky jacket. She liked it until she found out. With a sweatshirt hood. Oh, boy. She liked it. She thought that I had a sweatshirt on with a leather jacket over it. Loved it. I like it. I wouldn't say loved it. Oh, wow. I approved it. It goes with you. It was certified. Sienna approved. Woods could not wear it. 570-1949. Yeah. Well, I couldn't wear a Newsboy hat. Yeah. Apparently, I can't either. Shame on that one. Shame on that one, too.
That laugh tells you all she thinks about that new baby. Listen, she'll get you. I'm bringing it back when my hair gets longer. It's coming back. I'm not saying I'm like this fashion person. I'm just kind of brutal, I think. You just know what you know. Yeah, because I wear ridiculous things. Come on, jeggings. I'm uncomfortable. Jeggings, yes. Leggings and a dress and Ugg boots. I do that all the time. 570-1949. This is going to be great. I noticed the black leather jacket is like an M1 thing. I was watching some video from Mikey-thon, and the whole audience was filled with black leather jackets. Really? Uh-huh. Black leather jacket, according to Nordstrom. Oh, boy, with that bit. Why don't you wear what you like instead of what Mark Nordstrom likes? Yes. Because I'm trying to defend myself. I'm in a knife fight, and people are poking at me with spears, and so I'm just trying to use something. What does Nordstrom say about leather jackets? They're in. They were a while ago. They're kind of making a comeback. And there's some that are cute. Yeah, for girls. I've just never been that big of a leather jacket fan. I think it was because I was young when they were really popular. Never had one. I had a leather blazer from Banana that was pretty sharp, but that was years ago. Leather jackets are back. If you live on the East Coast. No. It depends on what it looks like. A bomber jacket? Yes. There's different types.
A rocker jacket? Yes. Why do I think Driscoll looks so badass in that thing? Yep. Doesn't he? I'll show it to you, Sienna, and you tell me if it's lame. I think leather jackets are cool. He lives in Seattle. Yeah. So do we. No, we don't. No, we don't. We sure did last year. It's gorgeous outside. It is today. It's not a beach yesterday. It's perfect right now. It is today, but it hasn't been. It's been awful. Look at that. It's like your exact jacket. That's your exact jacket. It's a leather jacket with a gray sweatshirt. You're just copying someone's style. No, mine is a famous preacher that you really love. That's exactly it. Mine, that's not. A lot like your Be Different picture. Holy cow, Olivia. Why does he have one hand covering his eye? Why does he have a black bracelet on? Why does he have a sleeve? You guys are killing me. You set yourself up, my friend. It's the exact same thing. Put that picture on the Mikey Show Facebook. Yes, with your jacket. With your face on it. Mikey has a leather jacket with a fake gray sweatshirt coming out of it. Well, he's got the real deal. Put your side to side next to that. Yes. Yes. Oh, but we don't have one of him in the face leather jacket. Put your lower lip back down. You're fine. No. Where's your jacket? Oh, I thought that's what you guys were talking about.
Your jacket's the same. The one with the black background, and you know it. The black background? And you know it. What are you talking? On Facebook? We'll find it later. We'll do it later. We're on the radio. We're getting off topic here, yeah. Mike, you're cool. We think you're cool. Don't worry. We love your clothes. You're going to form a show called The Show. Too late. It's already been done. Show the. Show the. Show the. Okay, we got calls. 570-1949. Okay. But we also have text. M1 Diamond Grader says, Sienna, do you approve long sleeve shirts with the sleeves rolled up? Yes. Button downs. I do it. Yeah. When you have a button down and it's like you roll it three quarter length, you look buffer. I do one. I just do one flip back. I just do one. That's a little Elvis-y. Just one. I like several rolls. Several rolls. You know what it's like? Around the elbow, yeah. If Jay is a piercingly sharp dagger in your back, Sienna is a hot butter knife that she has to push in your gut. It's dull. I'm not saying I'm right. It hurts. I'm just saying how I feel. You guys set yourself up.
M1 Ryan from Rancho Santa Fe. What do you want to get Sienna certified? You can be completely honest with me. Oh, I will be, don't you? I trust you. How about short white guys wearing Converse? Oh, man. What do you look like? Skinny guy? Yeah, skinny. I'm 5'7". I'm built like a junior high skater. I'm 30 years old. You can do it. Yeah. All day. All day long. Yeah, you can do it. I'm staying with jeans. Because with the shorts, I wouldn't even try it. But at least with the jeans, is that okay? Yeah. You and Mike, you should get a basketball team together. You can do it. Point guards are good. They're just like the black Chuck Taylors, right? Chuck Taylors, yeah. Yeah, don't get any colors or anything like that. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you. All right, thanks. Let's see. M1, Amanda from Poway. Okay. My husband. Wears jeans with running shoes. Oh, boy. Leave him. Do you guys have... He's an East Coast Jack. Like a lot of kids? Has he just given up? How old is he? Well, he's 45. And he's a doctor. He's 45? He tells people he's 40. Yeah, he's 45. You know what I see right now? I see the jeans just...
too short because jeans don't cover running shoes. And you look weird. They're tucked behind the tongue. Yes. You need to get him some shoes that the legs of your jeans fit over the shoe. You can't with running shoes. If the legs are too skinny and the shoe makes the shoe look even bigger. Clown shoes. Like Jerry Seinfeld. His legs aren't too skinny but the shoes he doesn't go running in them. So he always Super white. Oh, that's even worse. Super white running shoes with jeans. Can you pull off like new balances like with a gray? No. You can't? Yeah. More so than a white tennis shoe. More so than a white tennis shoe. But still not. But here's the problem and I have with my husband too because I pick out all of his stuff. Todd is 39 and there's... There's not really like a good shoe for a guy that age, a middle-aged man. Really? No, but that's a tennis shoe. Woods is wearing loafers. You can't wear like a DC shoe? No. Well, he's not 16 and doesn't skateboard. You dress like you're in high school.
And Todd is not a skater. Right. You do, though, Jay. You do? I do? Yes. But it's all my guy friends my age dress like this. Yeah, because you hang out with guys that all dress like they're in high school. They all have half-pipes in their backyard. Easy, Peter Pan. Todd is not a skater. He can't wear skate shoes. Come on, Pete. That's one thing I will not give Jay any hassle about. I think he looks cool, man. Yeah. He pulls off the skate. He can pull it off. Hey, thank you, Amanda. Thank you. Yeah, man. Look, first, I'm going to do some research for the middle-aged white man's tennis shoe. Yeah. Todd doesn't look good in the Chuck Taylors. Really? Everyone looks good in the Chuck Taylors. Sienna, you can't, you can't, you cannot, it's just, it's almost a rule. You cannot wear tennis shoes and jeans. I mean, you just shouldn't. You can. You shouldn't, Sienna. You shouldn't. Okay, question. Mike does, and they look fine. What? No, he doesn't. Tennis shoes? I don't wear tennis shoes. You wear like Vans. I wear skate shoes. But I don't wear tennis shoes. You wear skate shoes? Oh, I got so. Oh, no. I'm not me. I'm talking about like running shoes. No, absolutely not. But you know what I really like and middle-aged white men look great in them? Keelys. No. Tevas. The Snooks. Yeah. They just slip on. Oh, yeah. Plain black or like a tan color. Yeah, those are good. Those look good and they're really good in San Diego. And they look good with jeans. Okay, Sienna.
There's a lot of men that may be listening that can relate to this. Okay. Let's say that you're, I'm just going to create a guy in my head. Okay. Let's say that you're like five, six and overweight, you know, and you have a shaved head. Wait a minute. Okay. And a goatee, you know. Your name rhymes with likey. Ikey. Okay. All right. And you're 40. Uh-huh. Where would you take me shopping? You have, she's like running through 50 jokes. She's like, do I say this joke? Do I say this joke? Baby Gap. Do I say Baby Gap? Baby Gap, do I say. Pottery Barn Kids, Tim Marie, Ashton. No, you do it right. You go to Nordstrom, and you can't go wrong with Nordstrom if you shop there, but sometimes it's too expensive for people. So you would take me to Nordstrom? Yeah. You would? Because they have a wide variety of different styles. Wide being the operative word. Holy S. Wow.
Just sharp as a dagger right into the back. Through the ribs. Because he knows your anatomy. Mikey, it's called a jailhouse shank. Yeah. He stabs your hands off the shank to somebody else and walks the opposite way. And walks the opposite way. What are you doing? Well, there's different things. Like, I'm just thinking of, like, my husband, when I shop for him, I'll go to Nordstrom for, like, the nicer things. I'll get... T-shirts and flannels and stuff at somewhere like San Diego. Target. You know? San Diego. Like a surf shop. Jay? Is where you get flannels and T-shirts. Can you get my wife on the phone? Absolutely. Undershirts. You can't go wrong with undershirts, and that's Target, Hanes, you know, V-neck or whatever. Those are good. If you want, like, some slacks, I get a lot of Todd's work stuff at Banana Republic. These are my mended jeans. I'm wearing my mended jeans. Your tailored jeans. Yeah. Can we see them? Yeah, you can see them. They're my favorite jeans. Yeah. I want to wear them ever. You and Woods both buy. Are those the two short ones? No, they're not, though. Look. Well, if you wear them with your. Dude, I have to. I told Mike that those jeans were too short. You look like Fred Sanford in the back because you have them down too much. Yeah, you have them down too far. You have a load back there. They don't work, buddy. I don't have a butt. You have a. Your belt is at your hip. See, now your butt looks better.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were a little. Well, yeah, a little. Oh, God. That's it. That's it for those. Just put them away. They're done. They're done. They're done. Never again. Are they too short? I can tell you're uncomfortable when you wear them because you're like pulling them down and pulling them up. Yeah. They're so comfortable. Sweatpants are comfortable. We have Rebecca. Do we have Rebecca? Okay. If she agrees to this, I don't know that she will. Wives are very territorial. Hi, honey. Hi. Question. Yes. Honest cap. Okay. If you don't like it, just say, mm-mm. Would it be okay? I know what you're going to ask. Oh, wow. Oh, God. If Sienna... Oh, boy. Awkward. Yes? I already know what you're going to ask. And it's okay? Wait, yes. Because one time you... I feel uncomfortable, though. Here's the deal. Because... What are you guys, dating? That's the thing. That's Rebecca's...
That's the thing. Rebecca goes, last time when I stopped wearing the cargo shorts, she was like, she was kind of a little irritated that it came from the two women at work. Yeah. But now she knows you better. Oh, no. Rebecca's probably relieved because then she's like, oh, I don't need to pick out clothes. Here's the thing. The cargo shorts was different because I just feel like. I really feel like anybody could say anything to Mike. This is true. And he's like, okay, done. And I just wanted him to think about it. Think it through. You know what I mean? Hey, as soon as, Rebecca, when I saw the guy at the zoo, the real sharp guy in the skinny shorts, and I called Mike from there, and I go, no way. I go, we can't wear him anymore. I saw a guy that's really sharp. Oh, boy. Yeah, so that was a separate situation. In terms of, you know, Sienna helping, you know, to pick out some clothes, I really don't do that anymore. You know, you guys know how we, like, we're so busy. I'm so busy. I would feel, though, like... If you have, like, three hours to go to the mall with Mike... Oh, it would take a month. If you were single, Mike, I would do it. But I'm telling you, I don't want to do it because...
I might buy something that your wife doesn't like. Maybe run it by Todd, too. I would feel like a monster. Todd doesn't care. But, you know, if someone picked out something for Todd and he wore it, it would weird me out. Would it bother you? Would it bother you, babe? Would it bother you? I'm not doing it, Rebecca. Listen, it would not bother me at all. I would never want Sienna to be uncomfortable, though, so don't force her to do that. Don't be a shopping raper, okay? Yeah. There's been some things that Mike's worn, honey. Like, I'm not trying to, you know. Call me out. No, but there's been some things that you've worn, you know, been wearing lately that I don't really care for. Gimme, gimme. Lately, lately. What? What? The purple shirt? The nightgown? No, no. I like the purple shirt. What about the nightgown? You don't like the purple shirt? I do. I do. Lauren hates the purple shirt. What about the nightgown? You preempted that purple shirt. What do you mean? He wore a purple dress shirt in here last week. No, but he wore it to our company dinner and texted me before I got there. I'm wearing a purple shirt. Lay off on the Prince joke. Because I knew her. And I know she's going to make a Prince joke. What was the first thing I said to you and Rebecca? Oh, that's not what I was expecting. That's a nice shirt. Right.
You know what? She then texted me after she saw it. Easy, Barney. No. Not true. After she saw me in it, she texted me and she's like, you get a raspberry beret to go with that? No. Unbelievable. I texted that before I got there. I want to know what Rebecca doesn't like. Don't high five. What? What do you not like that might be? Yeah, what is it, honey? Well, it's kind of a, it's like a, there's something very specific. Oh, wow. I've been having an issue with your jeans. I have an issue with my jeans. It's called being short and fat. What are you going to do? And it has to do with... The butt. There's two different things that's happening. One is that they're... I feel like they're too short. Oh, my God. I just told him. They are. They're too short. So that's one thing. And then the other thing is that when you try to pull them down to compensate for being too short... The butt. Your butt crack. Butt's too saggy. The butt's too saggy, and you wear shirts that are kind of short. Yeah, butt crack. Half shirts. Baby tees. Something has to be done today. Literally five times I've seen, you know, your butt hanging out. You and me both, sister. Everyone on the show knows my butt crack intimately. Yeah, definitely. Mike, don't you look like you're having a hard time. I'm not. Mike, you're a butt. He's dying inside. Listen to me.
Sienna, Sienna, Sienna. Mike, you look great. Listen to me. Listen to me. On one day next. I know. One day next week. I'm not going. Maybe run it by her husband. Todd doesn't care. What does Todd care? Hey, I'm going to take your wife shopping. It's creepy. Maybe make out with her. I'm not going to buy her stuff. She's going to tell me what to get. Still, it's creepy. Todd doesn't care. But I, as a woman, and Rebecca's already given me the approval, and she's a better woman than I am. But if Todd came home with clothes that some chick he works with was wearing, I'd be like, you're not wearing that. I would burn them. She did, too. I would be so mad. She's saying that it was because I hadn't given it thought. She didn't like the fact that two new chicks in my life. And neither would I. There was a Modern Family episode that was just on, and it showed... The wife blew up at the husband because she'd been telling him for years, do this, do this, do this. And then the one time she's been telling him for like years to try the Bloomin' Onion or whatever it was. Wedge salad. Wedge salad, yeah. And then his friend suggested it once and he was like, I have a suggestion for you. Have you ever tried a wedge salad? She lost her mind. She lost her mind. For years. For years. It drives women crazy. He came up and he's like, hey, you know what's really good? The wedge salad. And she's like. It's our job.
To dress you. And to just suggest things. And yeah, but like I take a lot of pride in the fact that I pick out Todd's stuff. Is he not just totally emasculated all the time? He hates shopping. Todd hates it. I don't love it, but like... No, you're different. You like to dress up. He... He would wear the same thing every day. Is he not just like, okay, and just like putting on his stuff? No, he picks out what he wears. I just buy it all. Oh, you buy it for me. Yeah. Honey, I love you. I love you too, honey. All right, bye. I don't like lay out as close every morning. That's what I was thinking. He's like, what am I wearing today? M1 John from San Marcos. Hey, so what do you think about the cowboy look? I need more. Cowboy boots. Describe it to me. Jeans, plain white tee. What kind of cowboy boots? Pony? Pointy? What's up? Are your cowboy boots pointy? Yes, ma'am. Woods is sweating. I don't... Okay. Okay. I need a better picture. Are you wearing them now? No. So I wear... Describe your exact outfit that you would wear the cowboy boots with. And where would you be going in this look? Because I'm a fan of the rounded cowboy boot. Woods has a pair that... They're not cowboy boots. They're Kenneth Cole. But they're very cowboy-ass. They're boots. Really?
Kenneth Cole doesn't make cowboy boots. Really, Kenneth Cole? Kenneth Cole doesn't make cowboy boots. Nordstrom, same thing. No, he doesn't make cowboy boots. Excuse me, dude. These are Hugo Boss. These are Hugo Boss moonwalking tennis shoes. They're Kenneth Cole because Kenneth Cole doesn't make cowboy boots. They're not just in boots. Woods has a pair of tennis shoes that you walk up the sides of buildings with. Section cups on the bottom. I'm not saying I don't do the bit, too. Cowboy boots are very close to my heart. My dad. Oh, really? So it's okay. No, I'm not saying it's okay. He lives in black cowboy boots. He wears them to work every day. Nice. Pointed black cowboy boots. I love it. His name's Keith Richards. He can get away with it. And so that's my dad, and he can get away with it because that's who he is. And so I don't want to say no to him because he may be the kind that can pull off the cowboy boots. Certify it. But I'd have to see him to know if he can. If I'm just saying that, like, if you... I wouldn't be able to work that way because I would be laughing. I know. So my initial reaction is to say no, but I don't know. There's some people that can pull things off. Yeah, good looking people. Not running shoes with jeans. No. That can never be pulled off. Don't ever do it. So you know what I mean? Maybe send me a picture. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. And there's a time and a place. Like the rodeo. Like the rodeo.
Why do you want pictures of dancing? Send it to me. Chicks and boots. I meant chicks. I meant girls. But it's jisbell at lincolnfinancial.com. Just in boots, though. I think it could be cute, though. Just in boots. Just in boots is a brand. It's a brand. It's a brand. Do y'all get it? Just in boots. That's about it. How often do you wear the boots? Anytime I'm not working. Oh, so it's like an at-home thing. It's everywhere, everything thing. Where's them in the shower? Are you a cowboy? Are you from Texas? No, I'm from Antonita. Why the cowboy boots? It's not my love. They're comfortable. They're not comfortable. No, if he likes them, if they make you feel confident, just rock it. And you know what? I wear moccasins because I love them and they're comfortable. You are the only moccasin wearer. Right. Well, they're becoming popular in girls. Yeah, Indian women in reservations. Native American woods. I'm sorry. My goodness, woods. But if that's you and you love those cowboy boots, wear them. Thank you. Have a saggy butt.
You don't. No, you don't have a saggy butt. You have saggy jeans. You have a visible butt crack. Mike, you're over hemming your pants, I think. Chris just looked in here like, you poor bastard. Our phone screener just looked at me like, his face, this is what Chris's face said. Mike, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're trying to make up for it by pulling them down, and it's making your butt look saggy. It doesn't have to be saggy. It's Fred Sanford-esque. You may not even need to hem your pants at all. When you go to the seamstress, put your jeans where you want them. Here we go. Tonight's 8 o'clock album. Smashing Pumpkins. Everything I had. Gish. Can I pull the curtain back, please? Why? Hey. What? Now you have to. Have I not given enough? No, we need more. More, more, more, more. You brought it on yourself. I didn't bring it on myself. No, not this one. This one you didn't. You brought the other stuff on yourself. You asked me for fashion stuff. I feel like a monster now, but you dress great. We were just...
I'll just go ahead and do it since it's out there. What? We were just in the bathroom going wee-wee. Easy to do the wee-wee jokes recently. Really? I look over. What am I supposed to say? We were urinating. Is that better? No, just say we went to the bathroom. But then people might think we're doing something else. Look at Mike's face. We weren't. We were going number one. Fine. And I look over and Mike is scratching his leg like a German shepherd scratches. Your leg? And I was worried. I go, what happened, dude? Why are you looking at everyone? Why is your mouth open? I'm not! I look over. Why is he checking on everyone? Listen, I'm at the URL and I hear this. I thought you're not supposed to look down. I hear this. Ow. And I'm like, what the heck is that? So I finish up and I go, what are you doing? And he is just working his leg. Creep. He's going to town on it. Scratching his thigh, he's doing. It's the top of my leg. Top of his leg. So what gives? It itches. Why? I don't know. Is it a new detergent? Fleas. Yes, it's a new detergent. Probably. Fleas. Probably. I don't know. It itches. My leg itches. Maybe you have a bug bite? I don't know. It might be a bug bite. Is it crabs? Crabs. Ooh. On your thigh? Yes. It's crabs. Write that down. No. No. Mike, is something wrong? You look all freaked out. Well.
Maybe we just go to the restroom and come back. Yeah. By yourselves. That's okay. It won't hurt you. You don't have a bug bite? Check. I don't know. Aren't you worried? Yeah, because it itches. It hurts. It's scratchy. It's itches. Is it rash? Chicken pox? It might be now because I've been scratching it. You can't spread it. It's not shingles. Probably. Maybe. You're not supposed to use itch like that, though. Right. Eczema. Did you do anything different? Laundry detergent. Maybe the detergent. Would you know if the laundry detergent was switched? Oh, I know. Bed bugs. It is not. Bed bugs. It's bed bugs. Did you shave your legs? Sometimes it itches after you shave your legs. It's true. And when it grows, after you shave your thighs, it'll... Pick your face up off of the counter. How about jock itch? Oh, no. You'd have to work out to get that. No, you could just walk around. Did you shave your legs? Chafing. Chafing. Chafing. You guys. I don't know. I used a lotion. I used a different lotion. On your upper... I thought you said you don't use... You said to. Well, yeah, because when you get out of the shower... Do you ever just do everything Sienna tells you? I know, seriously. Why do I do that? I do the same thing. I told you that because you use a thousand products in your face and body lotion makes you smooth when you go to the shower. You need your thighs moistened. You got a body lotion? No. I used a body lotion. Can we talk about...
Anything else? What is that? The email. Did you use Woods' body lotion? I use cocoa butter. You know that. What did you use? Rebecca's. On your upper thighs? On your upper thighs? Is it scented? No. Did you use it on your upper thighs? You really did? You're supposed to put it everywhere when you go to the shower. I try to do just my calves. What the heck? I do everything. I do everything. Now I don't know what's more freakish. Yeah. Are you putting lotion on your calves or me putting lotion on my legs? Call them what they are, your upper thighs. And your inner thighs. Did you just put it on your upper thigh? No, L-O-B. The inside of your upper thigh. Oh, no. What? Were you standing or sitting when you applied it? Yeah, yeah. Why are you just putting it on your calves? Because I have ashy calves. That's why I do the same thing. He told me the other day. Yeah. He goes, man, you got the ashyest calves I've ever seen. I go, yeah, I tried a lotion, but I forgot today. I do the same thing. It's because you wear shorts. Yeah. If I wear shorts, I definitely have to moisten my calves. It's dry. It looks like I've been attacked. It does? You looked? Yes. Oh, I thought you said you didn't know. Oh, I can see it. You have a rat.
It's like, it's not a rash. It's like a scratch. You don't. You don't. You don't. You probably don't. You might. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. Wait. Mike. What? Maybe you take a picture. Oh, my God. I want to see it. No. I want to know what it looks like. Hey, we can then diagnose it on WebMD. Yes. Yeah. Take a picture of the glacier. You know what it is? What? It's me scratching. I want to see. But you said it looked like you got attacked. By himself? By myself. I'm not going to go in the bathroom. Take a picture. No. What if something is wrong? We'll be able to help you. We can diagnose it. I'll be okay. We'll put it on Facebook and let them diagnose it. There's probably a doctor in the audience. We have doctors in the audience. Sure. Please. Why don't you just let us have fun sometime? Come on. I'm an expert on skin rashes. That's true. That is true. It's not a rash. It's a scratch. It's a rash. Let me see it. No, I'm not going to take my pants off. I said go to the bathroom and take a picture of your thigh. Put your pants down. Let's do it. I am not going to go into the bathroom and pull my pants down with a camera and have our general manager walk in. I'm sure Woods would be happy to take them. I'm sure Jay can show you how it's done. Yeah, Jay doesn't.
mind getting nude in public. He sell dogs all the time. Mike, are you okay though? I'm worried. Are you? Are you worried? You might lose your leg. I'm not worried. It might be diabetes. Yes. How bad is the rash? It's bad. I thought it wasn't a rash. It's like a scratch. If you don't take a picture, it could spread. Are there bumps? Are there bumps? I don't know. Why are we still talking? Are there little things crawling around on there? Because you scratched in for the woods. He asked. He was scratching like my dog. Did you show woods? No, I didn't. It was weird. It was bad. Mike. Thank you. You're welcome. It's really loud on the microphone. Are you going to be okay? Yes, I will probably be here tomorrow. Rebecca, maybe make a dermatology appointment for mine soon. Are you itching now? It's making me taste. Oh, I'm itching. I think you have something. I had to put on lotion just because we were talking about it. I have to go home. I should get my upper thighs while I'm here. I feel that when I get home, I need to tell my parents that at school today...
I got it pretty good. And she's going to talk to the principal. Mike. She's going to call Rick. You can't rat out your friend. She's going to call Rick R. Jackson and she's going to go listen. If this continues, I'm taking him out of there. Don't be a little Sally. Just play along. I'm really worried about you as my friend. About what? It could be diabetes, Mike. Mike, what if you have AIDS? Did you roll in poison oak? You know that. Come on. You would have to go on a diet. Yes, you guys. Rebecca and I were necking. We went on a hike and we were necking. We were necking in poison ivy. Did you swim with jellyfish? Swim. Did you think it was cilantro, but it was actually poison oak? Cilantro. You're itching still. He's still scratching. Take a picture. Just come on. Take a picture. Go in the bathroom. Take a picture. Where? In the bathroom. How? Go to the bathroom and take a picture with your phone. I want to see. It's bad. I can tell. You have itched. I don't want to pull my pants down in there and have somebody walk in. Go sit in the stall. Go in your office. We won't look. Chris will. Chris can go out. Chris will get out. I'll go in a stall. Go in a stall. Shut the door. Pretend like you're going deuce and then just click.
And they won't even know. If somebody's in their weight, though, so they don't hear the click, they'll be real creeped out. Okay, but I'm not putting it on anything. Why did you use Rebecca's lotion? Because you said. I didn't say use Rebecca's. Get your own lotion. Get man lotion. You go to group. It's not. Like cocoa butter. Dude, it wasn't Victoria's Secret. Wasn't it? Yes, it was Victoria. It was like. Estee Lauder. I don't know. Obsession for women. It said like Bojo Ba or vitamin E with Jojo Ba. Jojo Ba. Jojo Ba. Maybe you're allergic. Oh. You're allergic to Jojo Ba? I was addicted to Jojo Ba, but I got off it with some help with great friends. I'm familiar with Jojo Ba. What is it? I don't know. He's a character in Star Wars. Star Wars. You can be allergic to anything. This is what you get for using your wife's products. I'm looking up Jojo Ba. You made fun of Matt when I said that he used deodorant that didn't belong to him. Yeah, it's weird. Well, you did the same thing. A deodorant goes under somebody else's pit. Yeah, that's true. It's just mine.
That's weird. That's not weird. It's a girl deodorant. No, it's not. What do you use? Menin Speed Stick? It's just neutral. Really? You use some sort of tranny deodorant? No, it's just neutral. Eileen Wuornos and Monster. Yes, Eileen Wuornos. It's called her. It's a powder smell. It's a powder smell. It's new from Calvin Klein. It's called Bye. No, it's just powder. I'm worried. I'm online right now trying to find out what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong. I'm on the Jojo Buck collection. Check WebMD. It's a rash. You have a rash. And it may spread. Oh, people are going to start calling and telling me I have bad things. Let's hear it. Take a picture and they'll diagnose. You could have fleas. Yep, your cat. I am going to get you back. Maybe we'll give you a flea collar. That'd be funny. 5701949. Lice? Could be lies. L-O-B. Could be bedbugs. I bet it's bedbugs. Oh my gosh. Mike. Could be herpes. Yep. Leg herpes. I just Googled allergic to Jojo butt oil and a bunch of things came up. Really? Yes. Allergic reaction to Jojo butt oil. eHow.com. Let's see what they say. Call Rebecca. Says you have to shave everything. Yeah. Wow. You need to be hairless.
Every now and then, someone experiences an allergic reaction to jojoba oil. Although it is known to be non-allergetic, some people will begin to form rashes and bumps on their skin when they use jojoba oil. Or use something with jojoba oil in it, such as a lotion, cream, or hair conditioner. More severe cases could also have swelling of the eyes and cheeks. Let me see your face. Don't touch your face. Don't touch your face. You're going to have it on your... Forehead tomorrow. Oh, I think I see one. Stop it. Allergic reactions to jojoba oil are more likely caused by exposure to a less than pure product. What does it say to do? Oh, treatment. Immediately stop using jojoba oil and try to determine if the reaction was caused by the oil or something else. If you like, take a Benadryl to speed up recovery. I'll go to sleep. If it keeps occurring, you have a severe reaction, immediately consult a doctor. Oh my gosh, Mike. Take it to the doctor. It's a severe reaction. It's pretty, is it bad? Yeah. You should go to the ER. Go take a picture. Stop itching your eyes! Stop scratching your eyes. You guys are freaking me out. I'm uncomfortable. You ever get crabs in your eye?
Mike, I'm worried about you. Are you going to be okay? You guys are trying to get me spun. What? She didn't answer? No answer. Should we get Garrett just on standby to fill in tomorrow? Just in case. Garrett. I'm so scared. Garrett. Mike. There's Rebecca. I hope it's not contagious. It's not. Me too. Stop it. I just Googled Jojo Ba and a million things came up. Hey, babe. Yeah? What is that lotion that you have with Jojo Ba? Oh, you know what? I don't even know what brand it is, but our friend Jackie, she's an esthetician, and she always brings me new samples of stuff. So I don't know what brand it is. Is it for the upper thigh? I was putting it on my skin. Oh, boy. I got firming cream. It just itches and they're making a big deal out of it. It's got a bad rash. It's red. It's itching me. You just said it was severe. It is. What's red? Huh? What's red? His upper thighs. Top of my leg. Oh, so you, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. So you put the lotion. On the basket. You put the lotion. Put the lotion in the basket, Rebecca. Yes, baby, I put the lotion in the basket. It puts the lotion on the skin. And now you have a rash?
It's not a rash. Maybe it's a rash. It's more like a rash. It itched, and I itched it, and it's a rash. Yes, it is. Don't let it spread to the boys. That would be bad. I'm serious. Is it bad? I'm kind of worried about you. So are we. He won't let us see. He needs to go take a picture. And post it on Facebook. Just the rash. And post it on Facebook. I'm going to take a picture right now. Check Facebook in a few minutes. You're going to put it on Facebook? Yeah, probably. No, I'm going to show it to everybody and then I'm going to put it on Facebook. I'm so sorry, Rebecca. Oh, I feel bad. Stay away from me. Lock up all your creams and lotions. Immediately. Oh, no. He can use them. Apparently, he can. I love you. I love you, honey. I love you. You're being extra calm today. Is something really wrong? I think it's bad. I think it's bad, Sienna. Call the CVS for the Minute Clinic. Go to the Minute Clinic. I think it's gone to your brain. Take a picture. Stop itching! I have to approve this picture before it goes on Facebook. Understandable. It's your upper thigh. It's my leg. It's not that bad. It's not? Pretty idiot. Pictures on Facebook.
Oh, wow. It's hideous. My head itches so bad. It's hideous. It's hideous. Facebook.com slash Mikey Show. Slash hideous. Slash it is that bad. You got nice legs. Oh, my God. Don't feel bad for him. That's bad. Don't feel bad for him. If you feel bad, then we can't laugh. Take your pants around your ankles. Why don't you leave me alone? It's whiter than I would have thought. Yeah, they are white. It's definitely whiter than I would have thought. I would have thought they would have been more tan. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Because I'm Hispanic? I hear Chris laughing from the other room. It's a soundproof room. It's a soundproof room. And I can hear him laughing. I'm not taking Benadryl because it'll put me to sleep. Yeah.
And by the way, we're getting a lot of emails and texts and messages that it is not pronounced Jojo-ba. It's pronounced ho-ho-ba. I'm so sorry. You, of all people, should have known that. I'm so sorry. What do you do? You just go on the air and you just willy-nilly, you just try to talk about ingredients. You don't know anything. Mike has a rash. We're trying to help him. Yes, you know, it's a stupid rash. It's called a stupid rash. What is that? He's allergic to smart stuff? Yes, he's allergic to intelligence. Things like hojoba oil is for intelligent people only? Yes, it's, well, knowing what it's called is for intelligent people. I like jojoba better. I do too. It sounds cooler. I'm with a J and we live in America. You can like whatever you'd like. It's just that you're... Apparently I cannot. No, you're not saying it correctly. Do you live in Majola?
I don't live in Lajala. No, you don't. You live in Lajala. It's true, Sienna. You probably should have known. Do you live in Lajala? Sorry. Yes, I do. Jojoba. Jojoba. Sometimes your stupidity is unbearable. Will you move that hair out of your face? Yeah. You have that one single black strand. I will. With the fingernail from my pinky. Ew. Why is it so long? Oh, it's so creepy. It's yellow and curly. When was the last time you washed your hair? 1491. Oh. Back when Jay was in high school. Good year. He used lye to clean it. Yes, lye. Have you ever been kissed? What? Have you ever been kissed? I've kissed many people before. What do you mean by a girl? Yeah. By a woman. I just... Oh, hold on. I'm having a hard time mentioning it. He's in the moment. I used to date. Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher. Maggie? A lot of people mispronounce her name, Thatcher. That's the American way to say it. It's actually pronounced Thatcher. Do you call her Mags? No, I didn't call her Mags. That's the type of wheels that Jay probably puts on his truck. Mags. What do you drive when you drive?
I drive an environmentally friendly automobile. But most of the time, I like to take public transportation so that I don't ruin our environment. Is that your hearse out in the parking lot with the carpool sticker on it? Carpool. Does it say coexist on the back? Something like that. I rode here today, partly on the coaster and partly on the trolley. Wow. Then I took a bus. How'd you get your piano all the way up? He has it stashed in his coffin over there. I thought vampires can just transport themselves really quickly. They don't even need transportation. You wouldn't know the first thing about what it's like to be a vampire. Vampyr. You've never visited Romania. You don't know anything. Edward Cullen? I know about that. You don't know anything about Vlad the Destroyer. So you and Edward Cullen, though, are like,
Colleagues. They're boys. Oh, do you mean the fiction that you read in between your Grisham novels? Like Count Chocula? Yeah, you, Count Chocula. The Count from Sesame Street? Yeah, you guys are all colleagues. It's beautiful. You play the same one over and over, though. It's pretty monotonous. It's also gorgeous. I can also play it backwards. I would doubt that this is actually an original piece, too. Speaking of original pieces, how about you, Jay? What did you think about it? Give me your rash. M1 Aunt Bo from San Diego is on the line. Are you there, Aunt Bo? I'm here, guys. How you doing? Good, man, good. I hate to say this on the air, but I think that looks like scabies. That's what I said.
What's scabies? Oh, you don't want. Oh, yeah. It's not. You have scabies. Scabies. You have scabies. He knows. Aunt Bo knows. Aunt Bo. Yeah, I've had it about three times. Oh, dude. Don't tell anybody that. I don't have scabies. You have scabies. You got the scabies. You have scabies. You might have it, Maggie. How do you get it? You get it from? Having sex with deer. Yep. You've got to use protection. Or dirty rooms or just dirty environments, dirty sheets. That must be what it is. You know, I don't know if you guys know this. I actually stay in a hostel down in OB. There's a few comments on Facebook saying scabies. People are saying go to the hospital now. I've been itching my leg for three hours. My head is now... And this is all because you used your wife's lotion? Or because... He has scabies. You need to take a bath in oatmeal. Yeah, that's a good idea. My head is itching. Why don't you just call that a Friday night, LLB? Yeah, sign me up for that. Holy smoke. Gigantic. That's unbelievable. I'm never going to have to shave or wax again. Wow. Watch closely as I use my lips. Just incredible. Tastes good.
Oh, my God. Dueling drops? Yeah. You guys ever just have drop words? Whoa. So funny. I forgot to laugh. Oh, no. Are you going to go to the doctor's? No. Yeah. Get a fork and just go to town on it. No, don't itch it anymore. I'm going to get... Calamon lotion? No, no, no, no, no. If I go to... First of all, by the way, somebody said... Please stop telling people about MinuteClinic. Agreed. I said agreed. Someone said to drink a glass of milk. Horchata. Horchata. Leche. Leche. Con chocolate. And Trace Leche does not count. I hate you. Doesn't count. No, if I go to MinuteClinic, they can...
And the reason that nobody wants me to say it is because I'm giving away a great secret. Stop doing it then. Stop then. Minute Clinic is great because you can get right in and be out of there in 10 minutes. He's helping out San Diego. A non-advertiser. He's turning it into just a regular doctor. Helping out a non-advertiser. Absolutely. Place is awesome. Walked by there yesterday and went, I love you. Attention Steve Sklenar. Attention Steve Sklenar. Please contact. CVS, Minute Clinic. Attention, Steve Sklenar, station sales manager. Minute, that's M-I-N-U-T-E, space, C-L-I-N-I-C, Minute Clinic. Okay, it's pronounced Minute Clinic. At C, period. C as in Charlie. C as in Charlie. C as in Charlie.
Ask Sam. Yep. They'll give me some sort of a steroid cream. I'll rub a cream on there. It'll go away. You're taking steroids now? Now you're on steroids. What the heck? What does it stop with you? It's going to make it smaller. Oh, boy. His thigh. Yeah, your thigh. The rash. The rash. The rash. Gosh, Mikey. What appeared to be just a regular rash. It was almost unknowable. It was almost too easy. Simple case of an allergic reaction to ho-ho-ba. No immunity. Well, our short Mexican friend took a trip down to the local Minute Clinic. Easy, ten minutes in and ten minutes out, right? You see, once Esparza walked into the Minute Clinic, and was seen, the nurse noticed something that he hadn't seen before. It was something wriggling just beneath the skin. So she took her spectacles and took a closer look. It seemed that there was some sort of android living just under the skin. So she did what any doctor would do. Gave him a little shot. Numbed the area just a bit.
Took a scalpel and proceeded to lance the area. Not Lance Bass, mind you. Only to find that this radio host wasn't a radio host at all, was he? Turned out he was a robot. I knew it. And not just any robot. A robot infected with worms. From outer space. Like, this picture's bad. Yeah, you need to get your leg AIDS fixed ASAP, pal. Maybe you stop calling it leg AIDS. Just call it leg herpes. Call it what it is. Call it what it is. Okay, sorry, leg scabies. Get your leg scabies fixed before you come to work tomorrow. Ooh, nobody sit in Mikey's chair. Oh, dude, that's where you get it. Oh, is it contagious? Oh, yeah. Maybe we never go to the bathroom again together. Okay.
None of this would have happened. You know that's not going to happen. It'll be ridiculous. None of this would have happened if I hadn't gone to the bathroom with Woods. But in defense of Woods, you guys go to the bathroom with each other eight times a day. True story. Fair enough. Let's not play these hypotheticals. Yeah. I mean, you know that's not going to happen. True story. Maybe it's because I have a tiger's blood. Oh, yeah. Donna's DNA? Donna's DNA? Just go to the private stall from now on. Make sure all that weird stuff you do in there stays under wraps. Oh, dear you. Would that be weird if two guys walked into the bathroom together? No, why would it be? No, no, no. And one went to the stall and the other went to the urinal. We do that all the time. We do that all the time. So you don't have to go to the urinal? Yeah, we don't stand next to each other all the time. Sometimes I go in the stall. Woods will walk up next to me at a urinal, but if he's at a urinal, I won't go next to him. And sometimes I go in a stall too. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm at the urinal and Woods comes in after me, he doesn't mind going to the urinal next to me. No. He doesn't mind. However, if I walk into the bathroom and he's at the urinal, I will always go to a stall.
Always. For number one? Yes. Yes. Why? Because I don't want Woods to do to me what he does to Jay, which is look at his, you know, wee-wee. Interesting. Longingly. I thought the stalls were only reserved for... Longingly. For long... Wee-wee being the operative word. You looked for a long time. I've never seen anybody handle that like that. That's not true. The other day I walked in, he goes, what do you think about this? What? You were at the stall. I didn't show you either. And I looked the other way. You didn't show, but you were like... Oh, my God. He actually said, what do you think about this hog? No, I didn't. You're lying through your teeth. Why would he lie about that? De Niro, you're lying. Come read another script. I swear. Hey, what do you think about this hog? That's exactly what he said. I did not look. That's exactly what I said. Why would he lie?
Because he's a clown. I have no reason to lie. I believe Jen. I believe Jen. Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird, weird. I believe Jen. Mike talks about it all the time. All the time. He wants to sell dong you. Why would he not say it? And, yeah, he wanted to sell dong Mike. No, I didn't. I never said that. You know my bit. You did say that. No, no, no. You did say, you threatened me numerous. You don't believe. You don't believe the myth. No. It's a myth. I don't believe the myth. All right. I don't believe the myth. There's only one way to prove it. I know, but I think the guys that say that they. I know you have your little thing. I think that guys that say that they are well endowed, they are. Okay. Okay. And I said, I'll prove it to you. And you said, I don't want to know. Well, yeah. There's one way to prove it. The proof is in the pudding. I don't want you to farve me. The proof's in the pudding, pal. Don't put that in the pudding. Anyway, you guys just shouldn't all be going to the bathroom together all the time. Separate from now on. Yeah. Never again. None of this would be happening. None of this would be happening. Never again. I shared a photograph. I'll share a photograph, too. Oh, God. Girls are not like that in the bathroom. Guys are not like that in the bathroom. Yes, they are. No. Some of the comments are just uncalled for. You're screwed in all caps was my favorite. I like how M1 Ryan just casually writes, probably full-blown AIDS. It could be right. I'm itchy now. Stop, M1 Jesse. Yeah, me too.
Facebook.com slash Nike show. Slash hideous. Chin. My chins are itching like crazy. Put ice on it. Somebody says put ice on it. That's a good idea. Ice, then heat. M1 Chris says, nice knowing you. M1 Suzanne, everybody's saying stop itching it. Easy for you to say with your itchy legs. Just let it go. It spreads it. Yeah. It's Adonis DNA. Get your hand out of there, Mike. If you had tiger blood, it wouldn't happen. It's rushing through my body right now. If you had it, it wouldn't happen. It eats itself, okay? It feeds on itself. It feeds on itself. It's a self-eating virus. Okay? Charlie Jean. Yeah, Charlie. I'm not going to... Do they make Benadryl that doesn't make you sleepy? Yeah, non-drowsy. It's called non-drowsy. They say there's a spray. What is it? Benadryl spray. Oh, really? Yeah. All right. Nutrition deficiency. Oh, wow. Eat more veggies. Oh, boy. How dare they? People are just mean. I know. Trying to be helpful. You want some... You want to hear what Uncle Victor is upset about? Yeah. Hey, did you... No, he didn't. Let me see. I can find it. Hang on. Yeah. Here we go. Hey, how you doing? I'm Uncle Victor, and I want to talk to you about...
This is Uncle Victor. Pull up your pants already. Walking down the neighborhood like that. It looks like I can see your butt. You're walking around here. You look like this. You're embarrassing your ma. You're embarrassing your pa. You're dressing like a street dog. You hear the words of the song. He says, my clothes may still be torn and tattered. But in your heart, you're acting like an idiot. Stop it already. It's embarrassing. Pull up your pants. You ever have three of your own voice making yourself laugh? Oh, boy. Is it over yet? What time is it? It's time to break, yeah. Break. Just leave me alone. Can you call 911? I'm worried. Now you're itching your face. I'm fine. I'm touching your face. When we come back, I have seven signs that...
You have a work spouse. Oh, wow. Do you need the signs? Yeah, do we really need them? Or maybe you have two. Your names are L-O-B and Sienna. We'll tell you what they have. My heart was not what you want. Nature's our home. Does my ring burn your finger? Did my love weigh you down? Think this guy's ever been better at a woman? It's too much. Do you think he knows what it costs for a fifth of Jack Daniels? Ever woken up not knowing where he is? Do you think he's ever had grits in his beard? Do you think he's ever stayed at a motel? Ever recycled bacon grease? Boonshine straight from a jar? Do you think he knows how to build a campfire? Do you think he's ever scrambled eggs and bacon grease? Do you think he's ever said, honey, where's my pocket knife? Do you think he's ever slept with a relative?
Is that too much? Too far? Too much? A little over the line? Kissing cousins? Yeah. Well, that's a wrap, huh? That's a wrap. Nope. I have a redneck joke if you want to hear it. Sure. Nah. What's a redneck girl say after sex? What? What? It's not a bad word. What's a redneck girl say after sex? I know what he's going to say. What's a redneck girl say after sex? What? Get off me, daddy. You crush them with cigarettes. What a jerk. It's brilliant. I knew it. What a jerk is what I get from the man with leg scabies. I don't have scabies. That was a jerk thing to say. What? You know I don't like that. What? Scabies? I wouldn't either, dude. And I'd take care of it if I were you as soon as possible. Seriously. You're on the radio. Somebody wrote that they think that I burned myself with an enchilada. Enchilada sauce. No, enchilada. It looks like an enchilada burn. I like how it says, less menudo, more broccoli. Wow.
Some serious comments. Why don't you just put some cream and wrap a tortilla around it, Mike? Poor Mike has a leg rash. We made him take a picture of it. Post it. Oh, it looks bad. And I'm just emasculated. What's happening? Hot stuff. Emasculated? You're being very tough. Yeah, you're tough. You're not going to the doctor. Stop itching your face. I can't stop itching now. Stop it. I'm so itchy. Stoked to sit in a meeting with you for three hours after this. Is it okay if you don't hold sage? I am addicted to jojoba. I mean, I'm allergic to jojoba. Can you, in our meeting today, sit in that room and just put it on speaker? Yeah, just comfort or calm, yeah. Because I don't want to get anything. Either, gosh. Now you're like winking. Now you're winking. Blinking extra hard. Now it's in your eyes. Oh, man. Something very strange. My nose is closing up. Oh, God. Oh, boy. My throat is closing. How dare you? Oh, my gosh. I'm seeing stars. My ears are ringing. You guys went from concern to just pure evil. I'm just so sweaty. It's weird. Let me see them. They're clammy. Maybe you have clams. You have crabs. She has clams. If I do, I got it from you. Not that. Wow. Speaking of, you want to hear seven signs that you have a work spouse?
Yeah. Check, check. One sits on your left, one sits on your right. One has red hair, one has blonde hair. I'm going to hang out with these two smoking hotties. You depend on a particular co-worker. Is that bright red? Sorry. You depend on a particular co-worker for office supplies, snacks, and aspirin. Check. Check. Is that me? Two. There are inside jokes that you and a specific co-worker share. True. Check. Check. Check. What did you say? Three. You can be bluntly honest with the person about their appearance. Oh, check. What's a stronger word for check? I'll tell you a stronger word. Sienna. Sienna. It's a check with a hard K. Check. Check. Check. Check. I wouldn't say it if you didn't ask. B. S. I know. I'm just trying to. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. I'm just trying to not sound like such a monster. I wouldn't stop her from thinking it. She just wouldn't say it. Four. When something eventful happens at work, this co-worker is the first person you seek out for a debriefing.
That one, I don't know, applies. That'd be you and Woods. Yeah, probably. Yeah. And for the record, you've never debriefed me. Just FYI. Disgusting. Okay. You've debriefed Jay, though, Woods. I've not debriefed him. But you've looked. He wasn't wearing briefs. Yeah. He's debriefed himself. Number five. I debrief myself. At breakfast, lunch, and coffee breaks, your closest co-worker knows what to order for you and how you like your coffee and vice versa. Absolutely. Crass. Yep. You have like five work wives. Yeah. We're all it. Six. You and your co-worker can finish each other's sentences. This is... Dang. That was good. Check, I think. I know what you think, Mike. That is... True fact. And the last one is someone in your office knows almost as much about your personal life as your best friend or real life spouse does. All of us. I think all of San Diego knows about all of our personal lives. That is true. M1 Lori from Coronado. Are you there? I'm here. What was the word of the day? Tortilla. Or snack. Or bread. A little word, too.
That is correct, Lori. Congratulations. Thanks. You've won tickets to the NASCAR Nationwide Series on March 26th, also a pair of angel sunglasses, and you're qualified for the grand prize that we'll be giving away the day after tomorrow for $125 in Arco Gas gift cards. Huge. Thanks. Love you guys. Love you. Hang on the line. I like her. Very nice. Try decaf. No. Hey. It was loud. It was very loud. It wasn't her fault. She won a prize. Okay, good job. Congratulations. Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're a tornado today. I am not. You always say that. I'm not doing it. I'm in a great mood. No, he's like a bull in a china shop. No, I'm in a great mood. You know what a bull in a china shop is? No, I don't know what a bull in a china shop is. And they knock all the china over. You know what a bull is? Yeah, I know what a bull is. Have you ever drank tea from China? I'm in a good mood, feeling good today. Yes. Got a good night's sleep. You're not a tornado. I'm jovial. Monday he was a tornado. I'm not being a D. It's jojoba. Just being funny. Just trying to be funny. Bye. We're all alone now. I couldn't live with you. I can't live with you. I can't live without you. Ditto. Yeah. He's like a domestic cat that's been let out for the night. Like Jules. Mm-hmm. Your cat. Yeah.
Some days unloved. Some days loved. And they're both fat. You know. Jay. That was unnecessary. Why the fat comment there? Why? If I did that, you guys, you're such a D, man. Why do you have to be such an A-hole? We just yelled at him. I do it because I love you. Yeah, right. I couldn't do it unless I loved you, you fat pig. Listen. If I hate you, I'd just kill you. Hey, El Gordo. A Titanic-sized butt. Listen. If I didn't love you, I couldn't make fun of you and your size 44s. Hey, if I didn't love you, I wouldn't tell you to get your lard ass off the house and go do something worthwhile, you piece of junk. Hey, I wouldn't tell you to quit snorting Snickers and drinking hot fat. I wouldn't call you a piece of junk to your face. Fat pig. Listen, it's only because of love I'm able to squeeze you through that door by putting grease on the side of it. Grease you up real good. By putting Vaseline on the side of the door to push your butt through it. That's the thing. It's love. It's funny. Do you guys ever make a lazy invention? This is what I mean. What do you think, dude? Really?
You've got to ask. It means that you're so lazy that you make something that just makes your life lazier? I'm sure. Yep, I did. I did. I ran a string across the roof to my bed where I could turn the light off by pulling a string. It would make the switch flip. That's awesome. I didn't want to get up. That's awesome. I rigged a thing in college where I had a... Studio apartment. So everything was fairly close proximity. And rigged a pool cue and wrapped. I used something on the end very tight with duct tape so I could change the television because my remote was broken. It just was broken. You could punch it. Maybe I'd just use the pool cue to change the channel. Like the fat butt end, I think of it. And I'd use it to change the channel from bed. Yeah. So I didn't have to get up. That's great. 570-1949. Have you ever... jerry-rigged something. Yeah, janky inventions. Janky inventions that you came up with that you're kind of embarrassed about. Yeah. Yeah, I did this because, you know. Because you're so fat. I don't care. You just don't care. I'm so fat lazy. 570-1949 is our number. And you can call us about that.
What about those coolers that you can ride around on? Oh, yeah. Brilliant. Awesome. You have a cooler so you have all your beer and all your food in it, but you don't want to push the cooler so you sit on it and it pushes you. Those are awesome. The best invention. 570-1949. There's a new version for you I found. Is this live? It's live. It's really good. Live at the WT? Stop it. Why do you hate this song so much? You're the one with legs, baby. Okay. You have clams. No. Yeah, you do. I don't. That sounds awful. That sounds disgusting. I can't fight it anymore. Tonight's 8 o'clock album. Smashing Pumpkins. Gary. Gish. Our sales manager said to me yesterday, that website, BeDifferentPact.org. He goes, that is a solid looking website. And I said, Jared, CreateYourDesignOnline.com. Jared did it. I mean, it is as slick as it gets. And you can have him do your website. CreateYourDesignOnline.com.
He's only the best graphic designer, in my opinion, in the United States of America. Uplifting. Can't he sing about happy things? It's good like this. It's so good. That beautiful voice, the great guitar playing. What do you want? I'm like, I'm in a meadow with my girlfriend. No, I want him to go. All right, I'll give you what I want. I like cheeseburgers. Really? So good in my french fries. But not when they get cold. Yeah, see, the music's great. Just sing about fries or something. No. It's emotions. It's got to be about the struggle. Yeah, the struggle, man. I went surfing and the surf was good yesterday. That's boring.
Okay, I'll make it interesting. I saw a dolphin and it made me think that a miracle was happening somewhere. Oh my gosh, that's terrible. It's happy. Good feel cracking. I like happy. I like sad. When it's stuff like that, you gotta have it. Ah, it's pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Depressing, but pretty. Yeah, if you're a guy, you're not supposed to say tummy, you're not supposed to say yummy, and you're not supposed to say pretty. What about elegant? You can say pretty. Pretty when you're talking about a girl. Yeah, you can say it if you're talking to a girl or about a girl. What about elegant? I'm taking L-O-B spots today. Yeah. All right. The topic is lazy inventions that you've made to make life easier for you. Let's see. M1 Mike from University City. Are you there, Mike? Yeah, what's up, guys? Not too much, man. What did you make? I made an electric spaghetti.
twirler. Wow. You know, they actually have those. They do? Yeah. You put a AA battery in it and they sell them at Sur La Table. And it's a fork and you press the button and it twirls the fork and twirls your spaghetti. You put a AA battery in it. A couple years ago. What did you do? How did you do yours? Well, it was one that show Pitchman was on and I was, you know, I was like seeing these people. making money. I was like, I gotta make something. So how did you do it? I found one of those toys that kids use to spin their lollipops. Oh, yeah. Put a fork on the end and go to town. There you go. Just tape it on there because I could never twirl. I hate twirling my spaghetti. I did too. I love it. You know, it doesn't end. It keeps flipping and flipping and flipping and flipping. Well, that's hard to do. That's an art form. But if you – the right way to eat – it is. It's hard to do with the spoon. It's two-handed. It's a two-handed bit. If you watch like Sopranos, how they eat it, those guys – dude, if it's half hanging down, you just eat and bite what you got and the rest falls. That's the proper way to do it.
What? That's not the proper way. Yes, it is. That's the way real Sicilians do it. That's the real mafioso do it. Yes, Sicilians, like the real deal, you know what they do? They do it in kind of a gross... It's gross. So that's how Lauren and I are supposed to do it? Yes. It's fine by me. Even the Sicilian women. If we were on a first date and I should do a chug... I would love it. I'd be like, easy, Carmella. That's exactly what I would say. M1 Ninja from Mira Mesa. Hey, guys. Hi. So this one goes out to Jay. I made my own bra. You what? Go on. A bra, yes. You made your own bra? What did you say? Go on. I was better. And the reason why it goes out to Jay is because, obviously, it's a bra. He's a creep. He's a creep. You've got to send us a picture of that. I've got to see that. It sounds crazy. No, no, no. I was just acting. Please, Brando. How did you make your own bra? Well, I had a favorite bra, and when you find a bra that you really love, you got to, like, stick with it. I agree. Tell me. This bra was dying, and the middle part of it broke, and so I used, like, an elaborate series of paper clips and, like, shaky pins. Oh, wow. And I kept it alive for years. That's awesome. Okay. Yeah. Again, question, woman question. What constitutes a great bra?
Sienna, you probably. No. Go ahead. Go ahead. So I think it's one that just fits right. It's hard to find, and sometimes it takes a little while before you kind of wear it in. It does? Yeah. Yeah. It probably doesn't take you long, Sienna. What does that mean, Sienna, wear it in? Well, because some of them are formed. They already have cups, and they may not be the same shape as your boobs, and so your boob forms it. Hug your boobs perfectly. And a good bra, it fits good. There's no bulges. Because when you have boobs, big boobs especially, they'll stick out. Come out of the top. Right. Like a muffin. Right. Exactly. Question. Totally being serious. Woods, did you know before this moment that bras form? No. I didn't either. No clue. Oh, you guys are. Depending, I mean. Oh, Jay, of course. I'm sorry. The ladies love me. I can't help. Listen, listen. I can't help that I know everything about the female form. A properly fitted bra will.
really make a big difference. A lot of bras are uncomfortable too. The straps are uncomfortable. The underwire pokes you in certain places. I've heard that. The underwire will get you. And some bras make your boobs look ten times better than other ones. So you find the one that does all of those and you don't ever want to part with it. Okay, that's another fascinating question to me. What in a woman's mind makes your boobs look great? Up and firm. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Same things you guys think. No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Yes. Agreed. Well. No. Woods has a very different take. I have the take of a 35 year old man. Okay. Okay. Woods really likes when a woman's. Woods really likes when a woman's breasts look like they are fake. Yes. No. There's no other way to say it. He likes a boob job look. Yes, he does. Here's the deal. You can tell that it's clearly a boob job. But here's the deal. I don't only like that. I like boobs in general. In general. All sizes, shapes, forms. I'm the only one on our show that doesn't mind.
the enhanced look i don't mind it i like it i like it fine i like it but i like the other too my wife has natural boobs i'm all the way in her boobs look dynamite oh they do oh so what i'm saying you and jay don't like it i like it but i like the other stuff too i don't like it if you can tell oh i i do and when you can tell it you go oh that looks so Dorky. There was a lady yesterday. I was somewhere, and she walked in, and she had a nice sweater on. It wasn't like they weren't exploding out, but you could tell that they weren't probably real. How could you tell if it was a sweater? I know what a sweater looks like. No, but how could you tell? You can tell by the way that they move. Yeah, or didn't move. Or don't move. But they were sitting up. I could have put my coffee cup on there and an ashtray and made it real right. Yeah, but there's a lot of bras that will lend itself to that. That's true. That's true. But I thought in my head, those are fake. And I looked at it, and I went. It's nice. And I looked away. Listen, to me, if you can't tell, that's great. But I like the knee shooters, too. I got no problem with that. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Yes, you do have a problem with that. You tell me I don't like Sienna's boobs, I'm all the way in. She doesn't have knee shooters. No, but you have big boobs. Oh, my gosh. It's taken out of context. It's taken out of context. Oh, my gosh. Sienna has big boobs. I like big boobs. Wow. I like all sizes. Hey, Hillary. Sienna big boobs. There's Hill.
I like big boobs. There's heels. Love big boobs. I like small boobs. Now, here's the thing. Like average size boobs. Hand size. Whatever. Here's the thing. If a woman says, back to the question. Yeah. Question was, for a woman, because you talk. Keep digging. Oh, shut it. For a woman, because you said, Sienna, that women have bras that they feel makes their boobs look good. Yeah, you're more comfortable in them. You feel like your boobs look good. better in it that bra yeah see but we the reason that i ask is because men and women always like different things women think something is great and then most men go that's a girl thing you girls like that in general the big you girls bras you girls like that but us fellas you know we don't we're not necessarily one way or the other sometimes about it yeah i think we're all in agreement when it comes to the boobs
We are? I think so. Guys and girls like the same thing? I think so. Then you wouldn't be wearing those padded bras. We know those are fake. I don't wear those. I'm just saying the girls who do. Girls wear them. They know that it's... I can't tell. Oh, gosh. There's like a shelf on top of their boob where it's like... That's when they have small boobs. No, no. Even the giant boobs that have the... Who wears a padded bra if you have giant boobs? They do. They almost all come like that. It's hard to find one that doesn't have some sort of padding in it. I can't tell. I can tell. The only thing that I can tell is like when I watch the kinky housewives of Myrtle Beach, the real housewives of Miami City, the desperate chicks of Carolina. Riverside. Riverside. All of those chicks have fake boobs. Yes. But you can tell. Yes. And you think to yourself, you go, all that dough, you shouldn't be able to tell. That's a good point. Seriously. They want that look. It's the kind of stripper look. That's the deal. They like that look. They like it. I don't mind it. But it's not. Isn't it my first choice? It's not my first choice. I don't know. I like it. I'm not offended by it. Your before first choice. What's the difference? It's 1A. It's 1 and 1A. So here's my question. When they're like this.
Right? Because this is what Woodsy likes. Mike is putting his arms in his shirt. No, not that big. You do, bro. You do. That's disgusting. They look so fake. And Woodsy is like, oh, look at that girl. Right? I mean, it's like so hard. Those are too big. They're hard. Those are too big. Mike's doing something for me right now. They look like a lazy eye. Yeah, they're like pointing out. Outward. Yeah. Now. What's the difference between that and a guy walking into a room and he's got the almadillo. He's got like a cucumber that he's wrapped in tinfoil. Who does that? What's the difference? That's what I'm saying. If you saw a guy walk in and he had that, you'd go, what are you doing? What are you doing, guy? But if it was an implant, it'd really be there. A cucumber comes out. Right. The implants stay in. I see what you're saying. penile implant or something and it was like, wait, then you'd be like, I'm not. Hi, Hillary. Hi, guys. How you doing, Hillary? It's been quite a day. This one over here. He's really on one today. He's a tornado. He's a tornado. He's on one. He just sucks.
I have a lazy invention that I did not invent, but I want somebody to. Yes. Breakfast delivery service. Oh, yeah. Especially on, like, Saturdays and Sundays when you're hungover. Why doesn't anybody do that? That's a great idea. Keep the eggs good. Deliver breakfast. Yeah, but, I mean, come on. They can do it. How many times have you laid in your bed on a Saturday or Sunday morning and gone, dude, I wish somebody would just, like, scramble. You know what, though? This would be the deal. I would want. the company to be like it's a company you get them and you trust them and so they can have a kitty yeah so that You don't have to get out of bed. Never leave the bedroom. Are you decent? And you're like, yeah, come on in. And they walk in your bedroom and they've got a thing. It would be better if they came in and actually cooked it in your kitchen. Imagine how many haggard people would come to the door. How much morning breath that delivery guy would have to smell. The tips. I mean, I would tip big. Something like that. When you don't feel good. Me too. I'd tip 5%. That's right. 5%!
You're dreaming. Dude, you're going to tip 0.5%. That's not the J I know. I don't tip somebody for something I can do myself. That's right. Easy, Jasper. Listen, you brought me the $500 dinner for me and my entire family. That's what your job is, all right? And I'll give you $5 because of mess. Yeah, I'm going to give you a $5 tip. Because I'm a good man. I got a tip for you. Don't eat yellow snow, all right? That's what my mama told me. Look both ways before you cross the street. There's your tip. Fresh five-finger handshake. That's right. Hillary, what do you got coming up? Oh, I grabbed the new Bright Eyes and the Postal Service, Mighty Mighty Boss Tones, MGMT, New Rise Against, New Politics. There you go. Got to remind people, too. Another FM 94.9 Big Bear trip, getaway weekend presented by Scion. It's sort of an insane deal. So insane that they had to stop letting people line up here at the radio station because it was a nuisance. $200 gets you the following, March 25th through the 27th. Lift tickets for you and three of your friends. A room at Northwoods, which is a really gorgeous, nice resort.
And it's $200 for you. And you got lift tickets for both days. Yeah. Four people. It's crazy. It's insane. So you got to register online. Starts today now. It's going on right now. Started two minutes ago. Start at 10. So they're on sale. Go get them. And I mean quick. Get them quick. That's my advice to you. Lovely and talented Hillary's up next. We'll see you tomorrow morning at 6 o'clock. The Mikey Show's out late.