The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 03/10/11

0:06Mostly sunny today and 75 degrees is what they're saying. Now, the reason that I know that, because I bought a new app, Weird, for my computer, and it's called BusyCal, and it replaces my iCal, and it tells me the weather every day. That's killer. That's cute. How great is that? That's great. Great. Isn't that cute? I'm Mikey. And that's Woodsy. He's our sports guy. And he's got on his baseball cap backwards today. Same bit. Same bit. White t-shirt, v-neck. Every day. White t-shirt, v-neck. Hat turned backwards. Yep. It's rad. Hey, if it works.

1:54Don't mess with it. It ain't broke. Don't wear that newsboy hat. Yeah. I'm wearing that newsboy hat again. I promise you it's coming back. I'm going to get a couple different colors. L.O.B. and C.N.L. Shame me right out of it. I don't care. I'm going to get two or three different colors. We don't want you to wear it because it makes you sad. It doesn't make me sad. It makes you guys sad. It makes you a tornado. Did you or did you not at one point take that Newsboy hat and slam it in the trash can? I did that day. There was a reason. I was feeling like a plebeian that day, so I'm getting rid of this. But I took it home, and I'm going to get a black one, I think. Hello, baby. Hello, baby. LLV is our assistant producer. She is our comedian. She is our blonde. She's wearing a Little Lebowski t-shirt. Urban Achiever Award. Urban Achiever Award. You have to know Big Lebowski to get it, right? Yes. I have not seen this. Sienna is our news girl. And Sienna is 25. And she's got a baby. And they don't just run the family. They gallop. They do. Giddy up.

2:55Jay is our producer. He's 47 years of age. Resident Creep. Resident Creep. That's a great way to put it. That's a new bit. Jay, Resident Creep. It's not new. Don't I know it, pal. Can I make the announcement? 100 years old. No? No. Are you guys fighting so much? You're screaming at each other. I'm screaming. I am actually screaming at you. Our phone screener is Chris. It's Crass. What if people listen and they don't know why we do that? We don't know why we do that. We don't know. Well, you and I do. We do? Chris Ryan from the Eagle in Dallas. To me, it's not even that anymore. It doesn't even matter. It's just fun to do. That's how he said it. It's Crass. It's Crass. It's the greatest. Let's see. Jay, the old man that does science, is going to happen at 7.30. And I'm going to tell you right now. I'm already freaked out. Oh, my God. As you should be, my friend. Yeah, you should be. As you should be. Do you know, Woods? I got some inside information this weekend from an M1 that wrote me and said, hey, part of his science experiment Jay is borrowing from my husband. Don't get too close. Don't touch it. Don't let it fall. Don't get too close. This scares me so bad. I'm going to do it in this room today because it's too big for that room. Oh, my God. Holy smoke.

4:23That's a good drop for that. It scares me real bad. Oh, no. You hear what he said? We have expensive equipment in here. Yeah. It will involve everyone today. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm not touching anything. And then we're going to have the Beast Hunter on the air a little bit later. We'll tell you about who the Beast Hunter is. I don't know how to pronounce the word of the day. The word of the day is... Manzana. Manzana. Manzana? It's apple. Come on, Mike. You didn't know that? No. Step it up. Manzana. Manzana. Do you know what banana is? Banana. It's Spanish. No. Banana. Plátano. Oh, plátano. Banana. Mike, this is good. You're learning Spanish. It's manzana? Manzana. Okay. It's hard. Man. As in like... Monday almost. Manzana. Don't say it Italian-like. I know. You say it Italian-like. Manzana. Manzana. Manzana. Manzana. Manzana. Manzana. That's fake Italian. Pretty good. I do it all the time at home. All the time.

5:53Wow. That doesn't mean anything. Are you sure? That doesn't mean anything? No. You just made that up? I just made it up. Wow. It's the only language I can speak that sounds like it. Speak. Sounds like you can speak. Yeah. Fake speak. I can fake speak. So before I had met Woodsy, I had no idea who Ryan Adams was. Shocking. I did not. The judges on American Idol are Jennifer Lopez, Stephen Tyler, and Randy Jackson. They didn't know who Ryan Adams was until last night. And they're all in on Ryan Adams. And they're all in on this kid. They love this guy. He sang a Ryan Adams song. Now the world knows who Ryan Adams is. Wow, look at that. Mandy Moore's husband? Yes, very sad that... American Idol had to legitimize Ryan Adams because he's so good. I'm sure Ryan Adams is very grateful for American Idol right now. Can you not like him anymore, Woods? Because everyone's going to like him. He wasn't on there. He wasn't on there. His song was. But I mean, now everyone's going to know who he is. That's fine. I'm fine with that. I've loved him for years. You know that. Come pick me up. Oh my gosh, it's such a good song. Okay. Y'all doing all right? Let's get over.

7:19Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Woodsy, you hate his version. I hate it. I couldn't... hate anything more than that. I don't think. Whoa. Now, in the original, does he curse right away? No. Okay. I can cue you. Do you like it better? Yeah. Listen to this velvet. Way different than that dude. So different. The chorus is really good. Then I'll have to cue you. Yeah. Curse is next. Take me out, then he says F me out.

10:13Yeah. Is that Mandy Moore singing harmonies? No, but I did post to my blog the other night. They're married. Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are married, which is a weird combo because he was like this way out there guy. And she's like, hi, I'm Mandy Moore. But they are like totally in love, great marriage and everything. And she sang backup with him on one of my favorite songs, Oh, My Sweet Carolina. And I put it on my blog the other day. It's incredible. The two of them singing together is amazing. Oh, it's so sweet. I know. And he likes. He likes bands you didn't think he'd ever like. He likes Nickelback. Yeah, he was doing his new record and he posted on Faceback. He's like, hey, I'm just... Faceback? What did I say? Faceback. He goes, I gotta tell you, I like the new Nickelback album. He's like, sorry. It was funny. I love that the guy's just honest because a lot of people feel that way, but they just... No, a lot of people don't feel that way. A lot of people do. Because a lot of people feel the opposite of that way. You feel that when he sings, it sounds like he's going potty. Yes, exactly. It's true, it's true. And when you have a lyric like, what the hell is on Joey's head? Okay, I'll give her that. I'll give her that. Yeah, but it's catchy and I like his voice. Listen, I will even give her that his voice, I will even give her...

11:30that most of their lyrics are kind of dumb. Most of their lyrics are kind of dumb. But I do like the sound of his voice, and I do like the melodies. You do like the doo-doo voice? Yeah. The melodies aren't that bad, but his voice is infuriating. Oh, yeah. She hates it. She always does it. It kills me when she dies. I remember this. I don't think I've ever laughed harder in my life. I hope people don't think I'm mean because I just reacted. A kid came and it was during the audition period of American Idol. And this kid was probably 18 years old. And he came on and they do what they do. They don't let you hear him first. They give you his story. And he's such a sweet kid. And everything seems so nice about him. And he's like, it's my dream, you know? I mean, I just, it's always been my dream. You want to root for him. He's like, it's my dream. All I've ever wanted to do is just be a singer. And blah, blah, blah. And you're just like, wow, I can't wait to hear what he sounds like. So he walks into the room. And this was back when it was still Paula and Randy and Simon. And he says, hey, what's your name? My name is John. How old are you, John? 19. What are you going to sing for us?

12:52Nickelback, what song are you going to sing? I'm going to sing Photograph. All right, go for it. Look at this photograph. Oh, no. And he was like, he was faking. The scratchy voice. He was faking the scratchy voice, which I believe, you can disagree with me, but I believe that the guy from Nickelback, when he sings, that's what comes out. Yeah. You know, that's what his voice sounds like. Now, like it or not. He may sound like he's going poop, but I do believe that that's what comes out of his vocal cords. I love his voice. I think it's beautiful. I think he's got an incredible voice. Now, this is Josie from Saliva. It's a duet. I love that. I love it. And L.O.B.'s doing like the... She's doing the dramatized sort of like... Right behind him, I picture those little sparklers from the stage going off at his feet with a... And a want and a hero and... I did love it when they took all the images from 9-11 and put it behind them with that song. See, it's a heartstring song. Come on. It's great. Do you ever just go for the cheap shot? I know it.

14:33I like a lot of Nickelback songs. I do too, man. If Today Was Your Last Day, love that one. Great song. Please don't play it. I have to. You've been warned, dude. I know I've been warned, Charlie, but it doesn't matter. Shut up. No, I won't. Just shut up. I will not. Shut up. Charlie, you can't. Charlie Sheen, you can't tell me. I can tell you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. Can't tell me what I can play or what I can't play. Yes, I can. We're not live, are we? Yes, we are. And I'm going to play it. What song, Shannon? If Today Was Your Last Day. Oh, that's a great song. And by the way, Today Might Be My Last Day. Just FYI. If Today Was My Last Day, I would not be listening to Nickelback. I'm your honor. My best friend gave me the best advice. Oh, I like that. Oh, man, I never liked that guy's voice. Get it, Lauren. Get it. I like it. Back to back. I like it. Look at you. Lauren Edwards, you guys are so cool. They're back to back. You're so thinking this. It's not that. Yes, it is. I'm so sorry. I like the song. Dude, I like Goo Goo Dolls. I like Rat. I like, you know, I love Poison.

15:50I love Poison. I love Bon Jovi. Yep. You guys are so cool. Motley Crue. Can I get your autograph, you guys? Can you guys tell me what music I should listen to? Yeah, will you just sign my hand because you don't like it? I just want to meet people that don't like Nickelback and get their autograph. Give me your hand. L.O.B. or Lauren? All right. It's a good song. Is it? All right, fine. Lyrics are dumb. I give you that. Yes. And that's real important to me and probably L.O.B. too. It's kind of important. It's kind of important. I just want to sing along to it. That's all I care about. See, I'm the opposite way, and that's okay. Charlie Sheen yesterday was back on the radio. Yes. He must have listened to a lot of radio. What else do I have to do? Dan Patrick show. It's his buddy. He was on Dan Patrick. Yeah. He was also on a local radio station in Los Angeles called K-Earth 101.

16:47Same radio station, by the way, that shotgun Tom Kelly is on. Oh, wow. Here he is giving, on K-Earth 101 with Gary Bryan, giving a half apology to John Cryer, the guy that's on Two and a Half Men with him. Speaking of warm hugs, you're not getting any of those, you say, from John Cryer. What's going on there? Nah, you know, I'll apologize to John right now for, I was in a mood and I threw that out to somebody I didn't know they were, well, I kind of knew they were going to print it. Is he on a treadmill? Out of breath. Sounds like he's on a treadmill. Yeah, I knew they were going to print it. Yeah, I confused myself. So you're apologizing? Are you apologizing now to John Cryer? A little bit. It's kind of a half apology. A little bit. A little bit. It's a little bit. A little bit. I thought we were going to maybe see a human side until he did the little bit. Boom.

17:42Let's see. Oh, boy. He did do some apologizing to John Stamos, though. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He goes into some stuff about John Cryer. He's giving a half apology. They say they have outtakes of you where you can't remember your lines. In other words, they're proving, they say, that you can no longer perform your duties. That you have to perform in the context of the show. What do you have to say about that? Excuse me. Poppycock. Okay. I claim Poppycock. No, I think that that's just... If I were a program director, I would be going insane. I'd be going insane. I'd go, dude, if you get Charlie Sheen back on the phone, lose the music bed. I think that Charlie Sheen is sort of like, you know, he's kind of compelling. Stop down for him, you know, like give him his. Yeah, you certainly don't have to.

18:43to do the rave stuff in the background. You're so right. Maybe that was Charlie Sheen's music. Charlie, can you tell us what the word of the day was? Is that the best they got? Wow. Burial. Losing. Sizzle. Bye. Sizzle. So you're not worried at all. Celebrity. That's a celebrity thing that's happening with the hosts. they're overcome by the fact that he's a celebrity, so they laughed. Uncomfortable, nervous laughter? I would be silent. He would have gone, you know, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. They're doing celebrity. I would have been in the background. Me too. If that's the case, they should review, and this is all, you know, still a warm hug to John. They should review the gag reel at the end of every year because it's not the gag reel, it's the John reel. Ah, very good. So he's saying John Cryer forgets more of his stuff than he does.

19:49Dr. Drew said something on the Today Show about Charlie Sheen I thought was fascinating. I've spoken to psychiatrists who have told me that if this were their patient, they'd put him on what's called a 5150, an involuntary hold. Which means hospitalize him against his will. Correct. He would be benefited from hospitalization if somebody could get through to him. But part of the challenge of hypomanic patients is they don't believe they have a problem. They believe you're the problem. So it's very difficult to get them to cooperate. Fascinating. Fascinating, yeah. That's fascinating. Hypomanic. Wow. So, Charlie hears those comments, knows about those comments, goes on the Dan Patrick show, and says this. I'm ashamed of anything, and the behavior that these so-called panel of experts, these ridiculous retarded zombies, you know, the Pinsky's and the Linsky's and all these other fools, these experts who've never met me, you know, they just weigh in that he's got to get a 5150. I'm like, what is that? What is a 5150? That's not a good thing. No, it's not a good thing. But they're saying, if I was treating this man, I would do this against his will. I'm like, bring it, short guy. Not really the point, Charlie. It's not a challenge to a fight. Oh, Charlie. Oh, Charlie. He sounds so nutty. Here's the thing. You would think that a person that's rational would go, hey, I should take a look at that.

21:21Like, that sounds serious, 5150. This dude's a psychologist. He says if I was his patient, they would consider taking me against my will. If somebody said that about me, okay, I would go, oh, man, that's serious. Like, maybe there's something I need to check out. Not if you're hypomanic, though, because like he said, you think they're the problem. You're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're going, I'm cool. I don't know what everybody's freaking out about. What has Charlie done, though? I mean, what has he actually done? He's been... He sounds crazy. He sounds crazy. Self-destructing. But what has he done that's self-destructive? Well, he's got... He quit his job. No, no, no. No, he didn't quit his job. He got fired. But he ultimately quit by... Here's what he did. He destroyed a hotel room and abused hookers and had an eight ball of... More than able. Was there anything that proved that he abused the hooker? Yeah, I guess her testimony. Okay, a hooker's testimony. Oh, wow. Somebody's defending Charlie Sheen in there. I'm just saying. No, I'm kind of on Jay's side. I kind of want to know what he's done. I feel bad for him. He's outspoken. He's taken a stance and he's sticking with it. But didn't he destroy a hotel room?

22:37Well, he ain't the first to do that. No, I think more than that is what he's saying. What rock band? Listen to him talk about it, Jay. He's not... Maybe he's not a 5150. He's not all there, but it's... Yeah, but I think a lot of people are just jumping on board going, oh, got to commit this guy. You know, it's like... No, I don't... I don't know if he needs to be committed. I think Quip paying attention to him. Winning. Duh. How about those ones? I... I... I... I... I'm on a drug culture machine. It's not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off. And your children will eat. Roll your twirly body. Roll your twirly body. You love to party. What's not to love? The run I was on. Big dagger. And that you look like droopy-eyed armless children. That's how I parted. That's how I parted. I was banging seven gram rocks. That's how I roll. Winning. I had one gear. Go. Epic winning. Are you my holder? I'm by winning. Winner. Winner. Winner. Winner. Winner.

23:53Absolute victory. Everywhere. I'm on a quest. We're gonna win everywhere. Right every single one. Oh my God. I'm the total freaking rock star from Mars. Biddy, come on bro. I got a type of blood. Biddy, you bottle my brain. Think you're like, dude, can't handle it. Win there, win there. Win, win everywhere. I've got a fist. Duh. Winning. Winning. If I had the opportunity to talk to the guy that made this song, I would say, buddy, I envy you in a way. In fact, I will say to you, enjoy this time. Because one day you're going to fall in love with a woman and you're going to marry her and you're going to have children with her. And you will not have...

25:1114 hours a day available to you to make that song. Yeah, exactly. Because clearly you had a lot of time. That took a lot of work. I want that song. You can hear it. That took a lot of work. I think that's what he does for a living. He mixes and DJs. He makes his living that way. Well, there you go. I mean, let me tell you. That took a lot of time and effort. Amazing. Winning. The words. Childbirth and calling first. Winning. Chicken nuggets, bubble gum. Winning. Winning. Winning. A minivan strong enough for a man. Oh, wow. I don't even know what it means, but Sienna's going to explain it. We will tell you all about what's happening in our lives. What a life I had the last eight hours. It's weird. It's weird. But a lot of people relate. It's next. The...

26:47What song is that? What's he sampling? You're my brother. That's right. Is that Yaz? Move out. Yeah. Move out. Upstairs at Eric's. Yep. Jay the old man that does science in an hour. I'm afraid. Genuinely. Yep. Every time. This one is going to be particularly bad. Yes. Particularly bad. Or good. It depends on how you look at it. Sometimes I actually think to myself, Jay, I'm like, will it be Jay the old man that does science that ends my radio career? Or that ends our friend Jay's life, perhaps. No, all of our lives. All of our lives. Maybe. Scary bit. Maybe. Wow. Jay. Eight o'clock, the beast hunter. And we'll tell you about that in a little bit. Word of the day is manzana. Better. Manzana. Manzana. Better. Monsana. Monsana. And I have to work that into a sentence, which will be a challenge. Well, I'll just need it. It means apple. It means apple. Mikey doesn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't either, but, you know. Monsana. Now you do. You have an excuse. I have an excuse. I do not. I'm Mexican. Full-blooded. I don't have any other blood. Both parents speak fluent Spanish. Yeah. Didn't teach us because they wanted to be able to talk about stuff without us knowing.

28:11It's brilliant. If you ever took a Spanish class, manzana is usually something you learn on the first day. Numero uno día. Right there with zapatos. Yeah. The fruit, you know, number one. ¿Dónde está la biblioteca? Right. That means where is the discotheque? The library. Got it. Exactly. Almost virtually the same thing. So maybe not. Discotheca is discotheque. Four packet tickets to the NASCAR Nationwide Series is what's up for grabs when you hear a word of the day. Also, we'll give you sunglasses, and you'll qualify for $125 in ARCO gift cards. So be listening. A minivan that's strong enough for a man. New man van. How? That's what they're calling it. It's the Dodge Grand Caravan RT minivan. They call it the man van, and they're trying to attract... A male audience. Not audience. Good luck. Dodge Caravan. Dodge Grand Caravan RT minivan. Grand Caravan. Let's see. Mike wants to see it, so he's looking it up on the computer. One more time, Dodge Grand Caravan. Dodge Grand Caravan R slash T. All right. Let's take a look at this beast. See if it's manly. Ooh, yeah. Flip. Let me see. Does it have muscles? Yes, it is. Let me tell you about it.

29:39Now, they're saying it's the man van. It has a more aggressive silhouette, custom wheels, performance suspension, and more horsepower. Now, the van comes in eight different colors. However, the interior only comes in one color, one color only. That's all black with red stitching. Is that a guy thing? The interior to be all black with red stitching? Yeah, they do that on... Performance vehicles. Okay. And the sports steering wheel and the shift lever, also a more macho feel with red stitching over perforated leather. It's all dark inside, like having your own man cave is what they're saying. There's actually breasts inside in the passenger seat. Yeah. That's how the gear shift is. It's just a big boob. That's true. It says the sound system boasts a manly 506 watts with nine speakers and a subwoofer. Nice. 3.6 liters, 283 horsepower. And this is a minivan we're talking about. And the horn is... You guys like that. That has an increase... Let me honk the horn. Hang on a minute. There we go. Get out of my way. Beat it, pal. Look out, dude. Look out, man. Move your Prius.

30:56I'm just laying on the horn. Laying on the horn. Now, I'm not a car person, so let me just try and get these out. The drivetrain management system changes the shift points on the five-speed automatic transaxle to peak mileage. Oh, good. At the same time, its smaller displacement allows to have the new V6 deliver mileage comparable to a smaller engine. You know what I still don't get about it, though? The peak axle? Well, that's me trying to figure out car lingo. I'm a car guy, and even that stuff is boring to me. All I ever want to know is torque and horsepower. It doesn't say anything about torque. The thing that I don't get about it is that still, minivans, aren't they predominantly driven by mom? Yes. You have to get one for the family if you have more than three kids. You don't have to. You can have an SUV, but the man is... The van is more friendly. A mom will buy a minivan because they don't care about the looks. We just care about, can you get the car seat in? What's the easiest to load the kids? See, I thought you would feel like a dork driving this guy-ish. No, moms don't really care.

32:00But we have to convince our husbands to let us buy that because guys don't want a minivan parked in their driveway. So that's why these car people are aiming, you know, the car, what they look like and stuff like that to sell to men. Because if you convince the men, the women are already convinced you've sold a million minivans. Yeah, I think so, too. I mean, I've thought because we have three kids and a nanny. And I thought to myself, I mean, the thought has entered my mind. I immediately squash it because I'm like, it's dorky. Dorky. I feel dorky. Don't do it. Man, are they practical. We did it. We bought a minivan. We went from like a Pathfinder to a minivan thinking that, oh, yeah, we got a family. It was the worst year of our lives. Why? It was just rattly and it wasn't built for comfort. No, they're built better now. It still had all the bills. It was 1971. That's very true. So it was a Model A. We moved to a Suburban right after that and we were so much happier. Here's the deal though. Sienna, maybe you'll back me up on this. It kind of looks emasculating if a guy sits in a passenger seat while a woman's driving. Oh my gosh.

33:03And so even if it's the lady's car and the guy's going to drive it on the weekend, he doesn't want to look like a turd. Yeah, and a dork. A dork. My husband wants me to drive all the time. Really? Yeah, he does not care. He's like, will you drive? I don't want to. I never let Jamie drive. Oh, I always let Kim drive. Really? That's a whole topic in and of itself because guys and girls, we always want the other to drive every single time. Every time we get in the car, it's a deal of, and we make deals with each other. I'll drive there if you drive back. Why is it? You know why? You know why? Because I think that we want to enjoy the ride. I'm looking at you like you're a pink unicorn. You're the only one, Woods. I'm the only one that drives all the time. You like it? Yes. A lot of people do. Not me. I never am like, babe, unless we're coming back from a road trip or something, I'm like, babe, give me the keys. I'm driving. I would give Rebecca a foot massage for an hour straight if for the rest of this year she would drive if we were somewhere together. Todd would say the same thing. Yeah, me too. Matt's like you.

34:08Matt always wants to drive it. I don't even particularly like his driving, but every time I'm like, you want to take my car? I just let him drive. Really? I wonder why. I drive everywhere. People like control. Since I drive all the time, that's why. Kim gets in the car. She goes, you want me to drive? I'm like, yes, please. Because I like to look around. It's like, yeah, look over there. I know what is out the window. I've seen it. Todd gets angry when he drives and someone cuts him off or someone's driving slow. And he's like, and so I just want to avoid any bad moods and I'll just drive big. If we go on a road trip, though, I want to drive. He knows the same. He knows that I need to. Well, and if you've ever been in a wreck, that's somebody else's fault. Then you have that passenger, you know, the. What do they call that? The backseat driver? Backseat driver. Where you'll hit the invisible brake and stuff. I know why Woods wants to drive. Dude, that's out. You'll love it. No, it's good, dude, but... I was talking over work. I talked to you for, what, 20 hours a week? No, I know, but it's so loud that it kind of hurts my ears. What are you, are you a little girl? I'm not a little girl. I'm just, I'm just, I... It's not even that loud. No, no, no. I was... Here, it's the best part. Listen. Hit that. Hit that. Hey, bro. Yo, can you practice? I don't know.

35:34I'm pregnant. Yeah, she's pregnant. It won't hurt you. I'm not pregnant anymore, but what I was. It won't hurt you. Oh, my God. He loves to blare that music. Does Jamie ever complain? No. Well, she'll turn it down and I'll smack her head. You will even answer the phone when it's that loud. Oh, it makes me so uncomfortable when you do. I'm like, just turn radio down. Turn it down, please. I know it. How do you hear them? I know it. So, can we pull the curtain back a little bit? Sure. On whom? Alibi. Alibi. Yesterday, Jay missed it. All, I think. He walked in and was like, hey, y'all. But he didn't know what was going on. And I kept my back turned and I was like, don't you know. He didn't know. What went on? Yesterday, after the meeting, you know, we had our Wednesday meeting yesterday. And L.O.B. had this moment where. She's hiding. She's hiding. She had this moment where she felt like she wasn't contributing to the show.

36:58And I go, this show. Our show. Of course I'm not contributing to the show. Right. I'm not a turncoat. So I go, I go, L.O.B., I go, of course you're contributing to the show. And she's like, I don't have anything. Like, everybody has a role, and I don't have a role. And I'm like, you do. Your role is that you're funny. You're hysterical. And she starts to cry. She's like, am I? Oh, man. And so this went on for... Two hours. Two hours? Two hours, dude. Oh, my God. It was an hour and a half, you guys. No, we are supposed to wrap up our Wednesday meeting at 12 sharp. That's the agreement we've all agreed on. That's when Jay left. That's when Jay left. Yeah. I walked downstairs and got in my car and it was 2 p.m. Don't lie. It was like 1.45. 1.45. And I didn't start talking until like 12.10. It was 1.50 when I got in my car.

38:01Sage, who was there for the meeting, took an entire nap, woke up, and we were still talking. Yes. Yeah, Sage goes, are you guys still talking about the same thing? Oh, my God, Lauren. Jeez, you're funny. Get over it, Lauren. You're funny. You contribute. She did. She was out, and I woke up and was like, oh, I'm still here? Yeah, I know. Good Lord. She didn't care. So I'm driving home, and L.O.B. L.O.B. sometimes doesn't get that text does not. you know, text does not convey tone. Yes. You miss the connotation. You miss the connotation. And so she texted me and she's like, maybe I'm pregnant. And I'm like, what? I said, do you ever just cry like a pregnant chick? Do I ever just act like I'm a pregnant chick? Am I acting? That's what she said. I almost wrecked my car too, by the way. She goes, am I acting? And I read that and I'm like, Oh, my God. Is that your way of telling me you're pregnant? Yeah. And I go, I write her back. I'm like, are you pregnant? And she's like, no. As far as you know. I forgot I said that. So brilliant. I know it. She scared me so bad. I thought she was pregnant. I was just trying to lighten the mood. And I even brought everybody down. I even talked. I even type back. I go, are you freaking late? And she types back. No, you didn't write that back. I did. You did not.

39:30I thought she was late with her period. Look at Chris laughing. Only a husband or boyfriend can say, are you late? You cannot say, are you late? You can't? How many O's did I put back in that no? She wrote back, she goes, no, you creep. I didn't know that. You can't ask about her cycles. Are you late? I thought that if a person thought they were pregnant, you say to them, are you late? You don't need to know about our cycles. They're periods. We know if we're pregnant, we'll tell you. You don't know. If you're late, you don't know. I'm fine. So Lauren's pregnant? No! Just kidding.

40:31You think that you can say that because you've said that to your wife before, and you don't have other women that you would say that to, I think. I think I would say that to any friend of mine. Don't ever again. Yeah, don't do that. Please don't. Girls say that to other girls. Are you late? Yeah, there you go. Yeah, but a guy, you don't understand a cycle. Don't try to. Yeah, it's a mystery wrapped in a riddle. You just don't want to know. For the record, everything is A-okay. Now, for the record, I also said, it's Eric Terman's, right? And she was like... Really? Eric Terman's wife is like, oh, really? Yeah, I just, I said it because Eric Terman's one of our M1s that's a black dude. Yeah. He's good looking. LLB loves her some black guys. So then I just started going through every, you know, black guy that I could think of that it could be. Oops! There it is! There you go. Nubian Prince. Is it Nubian Prince? Is it, you know. Mal Hall. Mal Hall. And she wrote back, could be anybody. Could be. She wrote. Oh, boy. Rick Springfield. Because Rick Springfield was in the studio. That's awesome. He was in the studio like three months ago. That's awesome. It could have been the secret service guys that were in here. Oh, yeah. The 85-year-old man. It could have been the security guy. That day I forgot my card.

41:56You just never know with L.O.B. I'm really excited for your baby and mine. I am too. I am too. It's going to be great. It's a really special time of my life. Can I ask a question and let me know if I can ask this question. I'm going to ask it anyway. Are you late? No. Stop, Mike. Was yesterday a symptom of PMS? No. I thought maybe it was or something, but no, it's not. Okay. Now Mike's thinking she's late. No, but that's why I was like, why is this happening now? No. Oh, man. I was confused. I wish there was like a handbook. This is flooring me like one of those things that I didn't know. Like, I thought that a baker's dozen was 13, you know, donuts. And somebody's like, Mike, no! No, it's not 13! That's exactly how I reacted. I'm like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I thought it was 13. I thought it was... It's like asking... It's being like, what color panties do you have on? No! It is. It is. It is. What color panties do you have on? No, it's not the same. Maybe worse. It's in that neighborhood. It might be worse than that. That's a very intimate thing to ask. It's very intimate. A girl can ask it because we go through it, and so we understand. Her significant other would want to know because he would be the father. If I said...

43:14Okay, wait. Would it have been better if I had said, are you late on your period? No! No, no, no, no. Stop saying that. Oh, wow. No, no, no. Don't use that word ever. Even if you're talking about the end of a sentence. The only person you could say that to is your wife. I thought if you were grown up, you could say these things. You cannot. Are you late? Oh, my skin's crawling. Okay, how about this one? How about this one? Are you late on your cycle? No! No, no, no? Are you menstruating? Have you been menstruating? You could say that. Stop it. No, it's disgusting. You guys are grossing me out. Girls just, it doesn't have to be due to a cycle. We're just nuts and cry all the time. Well, that's why I thought it was, I was like, this is the wrong time of the month for me to feel like this. If a girl that's your friend insinuates to you that she's not sure, and she's just kidding. You know, but you don't know that she's kidding because it's by text. There's no way you can ask. No. Just go. No, you just like, you like elbow them in the rib and be like. Oh, I know how you do it. You say, have your breasts been tender? Because that's one of the symptoms of pregnancy. And so you can say that, I would think. Do you want us, when we go to the bathroom, to just pull out.

44:35a tampon and say, hey guys, we have our period, we're going to the bathroom. No way. It makes you uncomfortable. It would make me so uncomfortable. You asking if I'm late makes me that uncomfortable. Hey, is it cool if I just... Guys, I gotta take two minutes. I'll be right. LB just pretended that that highlighter was... I don't even want to say that. Don't go near that category. With men. You just don't talk about it. Don't. Don't ask about the eriad. Can you say it in pig Latin? Can you go, are you? Are you Aitley? Are you Aitley? Are you on your eriad pay? Yeah. There's no proper way. Are you instrating me? Ew. Don't use that. It's too much for me. That's a bad one. It gets me. That one's too much for me. Like, you have a say in this. You ask me. What about your Eichel say? Stop it. Are you going to have an A.V. Bay? Oh, it smells like carrots. That's more appropriate. Are you going to have a baby is more appropriate. To which I would say, yes. Oh, wow. Just kidding. Congratulations. Just kidding. Just kidding, Matt. It feels real good. Matt's listening like, I think I know you, my father. What's happening? Maybe tell me first. Yeah. We like do the music and everything. Lauren has something she'd like to tell you. It's really hot in here.

45:56Yeah, she got pretty emotional yesterday. And then I was telling Matt the story and I cried telling him that I cried. Sorry, I missed it. And didn't you also cry when you told him that you had a meltdown at work and he did not acknowledge it and you cried again? Yes. How did that happen? I cried actually four times yesterday because everybody was rousing me about the podcast. That's what I was going to ask her next. You cried four times? Yep. I think there was three different cries in here alone. Yeah. So I would say a total of seven. Probably seven. Can I? I'm crazy. I don't know why. It's been a really weird week for everyone. It's been weird. I will say this. I have this knack. And I don't know if it's a knack with L-O-B or whatever, but... Knowing her cycle? Oh! Why did you know she's late? Hello? It's your knack. Hello? What a special friend you are. I can see the cry.

47:07five minutes before it arrived. I saw it too. Five minutes. A good five minutes. Maybe longer. I knew exactly where it happened. Her nose started to get red. I was like, oh gosh, start complimenting. Start complimenting. But you know what? Let me tell you though. But you know what else I knew? Start complimenting. You're so good. You're so funny. But I also knew this. I also knew this. I knew. that like a volcanic eruption, you can't stop the volcano from erupting. You can only hope to contain it. You can only hope to contain it. It's coming up. In my head, I was like, you better stop this right now. I better get it together. Start using humor. You were talking to you? Yeah. Do whatever you need to do. Yeah. I was giving myself a pep talk and then... Can't stop it. Can't stop it. And my voice cracked a little. I was like, I'm dead. I know exactly what happened. And I may have been the one to push her over the edge a little bit when we do our ideas. No, I did. I know. I think I did. I know exactly. Jay went first, then Sienna, then Mike went. And it was me and LLB left in the basket. We draw names to see who goes first to keep it fair. So we were running out of time. I felt like I was in preschool. We had like five minutes. We were in preschool. We had five minutes to go in the meeting. And I go, all right, so my ideas in LLB goes, oh, why don't you just go ahead? And I went, oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

48:24I guess I'll just go. Yeah. And I go, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Ladies first. Ladies first. And then, dude, right after that, it was on. Mikey flipped a coin. That argument continued for the entire five minutes. No, you go. No, you go. And finally, I said, listen, I'm going to end this right now because neither of them would agree to go. Right. Like we were in preschool. And so I said, I'm going to end this right now. I'm going to flip a coin. Do you know what I flipped? A guitar pick. Neither of you knew it. Are you kidding me? I am not kidding. I knew it. I flipped a guitar pick. No idea. I said, Woods, your heads. Ella B, your tails. I go. I slapped it down in my hand. I slapped it down in my arm. Looked at it and looked at a guitar pick that said Harley Davidson. One side had a logo and the other side didn't. So it was like heads and tails. And I go, it was tails. Go. And she, and yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right. She said, I still don't want to go. She's like, I don't want to go. Well, because I had like 17 ideas and you were like, crank him out in five minutes because we want to leave. Oh, wow. That is not what he said. I whispered to my baby Sage and I said, Sage, I'm so glad you outgrew this. Sienna, that cuts like a nine. Like a nine. I love you. I love you. I love you.

49:48Sage is five months old and she goes, does she act like this all the time? You guys are being baby. I am not the only one that feels like that in the media. I have felt like it before, Jill. We need to take turns and be fair. That is true. But we were. We were pulling out of a hat. But we didn't the last time. It was my fault. Yep. The last time was not, and I'm the only one that has to sit there and record the notes. She is the scribe. Everybody is the scribe, and then I get shafted. She takes some minutes. And you. You're good at it. She's really good at it, too. Yeah. That's my role. You're really funny. There we go. Scribe. That's my role. This is L.O.B. Our resident scribe. That was her other thing. Yep. She was like, yeah, I guess my job is just podcasting. Yeah, that's my job. Oh, and then I got on Facebook, and people are like, where are the podcasts? She's like, I guess that's just my job. That was it. I'm like, it's 2 o'clock, and we just ended the meeting. She snapped. Did you? On Facebook. Oh, yeah. Fun to watch. It was awesome. I blogged about it, too. Poor L.O.B. Day's over. Yeah. Your cycle's not late. Oh, wow. Thank you. Gross, gross, gross. Seriously, just learn. Never again, Michael. Write that one down.

50:59Text L.O.B. Are you late? Maybe work that into your sleeve somewhere of your tattoos. Don't ask. Yeah, I'll have a tattoo. Don't ask if late. Sweet kid. Wait till you hear this email from this dude who is asking a question that I believe is a bit emasculating. See for yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just hold it. And forget the email. Do stuff on the fly real good because you have to? Because you have to. You have to. You have to. We're talking about that. Sienna, what's going on in the news? Well, San Diego's going to become even more of a hub for helicopters over the next five years.

52:47Four more squadrons are coming to North Island Naval Air Station starting later this year through 2016. And basically that means 800 extra people working at the Coronado base, almost $70 million in construction work to accommodate these 52 helicopters that are coming here for the Navy. Also, it means more noise. Helicopters flying above. So brace yourself. Just thought I'd let you know. This is a really crazy story. Millions of dead fish at King Harbor in Redondo Beach were found the other morning. I mean, I'm going to show you a picture. It's disgusting. It's going to blow your mind. You ready? Yeah. Look at this top picture. Oh. Oh. Whoa. No way. Oh, my gosh. I want people to picture. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Picture boats in the San Diego Harbor, but you can't see water around them. Because there's tiny dead fish everywhere. You cannot see water. Free food for a month. Jasper's lunch for the rest of his career. Yeah, this is in Redondo Beach. They canned them, right? Among some of the fish, anchovies, sardines, mackerel. And tests are being performed right now on the water. Officials are just blown away. Millions and millions of fish washed up. What? Chemtrails. Chemtrails. All the spraying they're doing in the atmosphere. I've been telling you guys. That's why the birds are dying. The fish are dying. We're next. Something's up.

54:08Going on. You know what I think is going on? What? And my theory is just as crazy as your theory. What? I believe that it's because we put a bunch of oil in the toilet out in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico last year for about eight months or whatever it was. And I said, you know, the ocean water moves like, you know, throughout the whole world. And I just think it has an effect. I don't know. I mean, people would go, well, if that's the truth, then why didn't a bunch of other fish die in the Gulf of Mexico? I don't know. I'm just throwing things of the dark lord. Well, these planes have been spraying chemicals in the air recently. No, they haven't. Those are called, haven't they? Chemtrails, not contrails. How do you know? Because those are the same things that come off the end of planes when they fly. That's a contrail. Yeah, but they used to. I mean, there's so many more of them now. Even commercial planes are doing it. So it's like, hmm. They're not supposed to. Read up on it. You guys ever just, like, conspiracy theorists? I've seen trails on the end of planes since I was a little kid. Nope. Look at them. No, I haven't. Stare in the sky now. No, you haven't. It's different now. We looked back. It's different. These are not the camp trails you want. You have not, Mike. You haven't seen them since you were a child. Okay, maybe I haven't. Google it. You'll see millions of entries. You know what else? Google.

55:32Oh, my gosh. You know what I just remembered? What? Do you know who the biggest proponent of the 9-11 conspiracy theories was? I just remembered it right now. Charlie Sheen. Maybe he's on to something. There you go. That just hit my brain right now. Charlie Sheen. Yeah. I mean, if you believe that 9-11 was not the United States government, you're crazy. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. The big famous people in Hollywood have a lot of money and hear things that I think other people don't. They're in the know. So you believe everything you're told. Well, if that were true, I'd be believing you. And I don't believe everything I'm told. I don't either. And I don't know. But you know what? I don't say it's not true. Yeah, I don't either. Do your research. You guys think that Southwest Airlines is spraying stuff on us? Maybe it's a fuel additive. Maybe they don't even know. They don't even know it.

56:38There's higher people up there. Mike, maybe you've heard of a little thing called Scientology. I have. If Tom Cruise subscribes to it, so do I. So you know it must be good. Why are these fish dying? There has to be a reason. And I don't know what it is. I could be wrong, but I could be right. You believe that these mackerel are dying because United Airlines Flight 221 is spraying us with chemicals. You never know. I know that I see a lot more of these chemtrails than I ever have before. You have maybe gone a little... Have you seen some of the alien videos that are out there?

57:23UFOs. Saw a good one the other day. I do the news. I look on all these websites and I see things. That was Close Encounters of the Third Kind and it's not a documentary. I research. I'm going to post some stuff on the Facebook page. You tell me. I never thought I would say stuff like this, but I'm telling you, after you see and read some of this stuff, it blows your mind. All I have. And I'm just going to speak the truth. I'm going to give you guys the power of suggestion. Okay. All you must do is suggest to somebody something. And it sticks. Especially someone like me. Very impressionable. I am too. Speaking of you. Woodsy, what's going on in sports? Because we've got to get to what she just said. I am in total agreement on that. Sports is brought to you by Frank's Red Hot. Frank's Red Hot. Get some. That's right. Well, so the NFL Players Association and the owners are still meeting. They are in meetings today. Tomorrow afternoon is the deadline. Listen, there was a deadline before. They pushed it back. They are making some progress, but it seems that they may have hit a small stalemate. The players want the owners to release all their financial information. The owners aren't going to do it. They don't want to do it. And the other sticking point is the 18-game season. Basically, they said, listen, we're not going to play 18 games.

58:36Period. We are not playing 18 games. So New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is expected to be in the meetings today, and this is what he had to say. Cut to. It's always good to be talking when you have differences of opinion. That's the only way you have a chance. So we're talking, and I know from ownership's side that we feel there's a deal to be made, and we very much like to do it. We're doing everything we can to try to get a... a deal consummated and i personally believe it's possible you know the thing about it is is that the players are saying we're absolutely not going to play 18 games because of our safety and the owners are saying we want you to play 18 games and what really irritates me is imagine if imagine if subway sandwich shop the owner of of subway sandwich shop said, we want you to serve these avocado sandwiches. And the employees said, we will not make those avocado sandwiches. Imagine if they never asked the freaking customers. Right. Hey, do you guys want avocado sandwiches? Because, you know, most of the customers might be like, no, we don't. We don't care.

1:00:02We don't care. If it means that Subway's going to close, we don't care. Yeah. We just want a deal done. Just keep the door open. We want a deal done. But, you know, I do. Where are all the fans clamoring for 18 games? I know. Where are all the fans going, we want 18. We want 18. We're not. We're not. Owners, we don't care. We just want football. That's it. More football. Exactly. And then really quickly, Tiki Barber has made an announcement that he is coming out of retirement to try to revive his NFL career. You know, Tiki retired in the 2006 season, a little bit probably before he should have, but hey, it's 2011. You haven't played in a while. He's 37? Yeah, 37 years old. He is down to 198 pounds, but of pure muscle. He looks a lot like me when I look in the mirror. Oh, wow. Yeah, absolutely. It's a lot like his twin brother. The exact opposite of me. But no, he wants to come back and play, and his agent says, oh, he's in good shape. He's ready to go. Yeah, the players can't play after 30. Good luck. No, running backs. L.O.B. said something during the break, and I just want you to tell it to M1s.

1:01:16Just like you told us. Why? Because it's fantastic. It's the greatest thing my ears have ever heard. I was doing an email, an important email. And I'm usually sort of half there when I'm doing an email during the commercial break. That caught my attention. And I stopped and went, huh? What did you just say? I said that Matt and I are going to the WWE on August 14th at the Staples Center. Not a big deal. What? I said. Matt and I are going to the WWE. It used to be the WWF, but the World Wildlife Federation sued them. That is correct. And it's at the Staples Center August 14th. You on drugs? I have a question. Yes. Are you on drugs? No. It's not my deal. It's his deal. How did this happen? We were watching The Wrestler. Brilliant. Upon your recommendation. And he was like, oh yeah, that's the...

1:02:17stone cold sleeper hold choke slam bodyguard. Yeah. All this stuff. And I was like, what? And he was telling me, you know, when he was a kid, he's like, oh, and then he was predicting all the moves. He's like, now he's going to do this. He's going to do this. And I was like, what? And he was like, oh, yeah. And I was a kid and all this stuff. And I was like, would you go again? He was like, absolutely. So. Wow. Yeah. I just want you guys for a minute to try to imagine L.O.B. At a freaking. But it's not like people go to that. You talk about the MMA stuff all the time. Isn't that like a different. I believe they're very different. She's sitting at the audience. I believe they're very different. I'm going to be like kill it. Yeah, she's going to be at the concession at the WWE going, do you guys have kombucha or green tea? What about quinoa? Do you have quinoa? I'll probably have some beers because I'll want to act like it is a sitcom instead of... It's not real, right? No. No, it is not real. There's real elements, but... Yeah, like they're human beings. It's like it wasn't the rest of it. They do fall. They wear clothes, real clothes. They do fall and stuff. They can't get hurt. The guy died one time.

1:03:29He's pumped. That was probably from the steroids he was taking. Who's pumped? Matt. Oh, wow. He's never been to a live one before. And I looked it up after we watched The Wrestler. I was like, babe, they're going to be in L.A. Do you want to go? He was like, yeah. Seriously? You'd go? I'm like, yeah, I'll go. Lauren's going to wrestling, you guys. Are you kidding me? I just can't believe this. What are you going to wear? Her Randy the Ram Robinson t-shirt? No, just wear something regular. Once you get dressed up, I think. Should I? Should I try to get it on camera? This is such a good song. Do they still show it on TV? The wrestler? No, wrestling. Oh, yeah. Monday Night Raw, SmackDown. It's SummerSlam or something like that. Special channels. You're going to SummerSlam. SummerSlam! Please get a girl t-shirt of it. Should I? Yes. A SummerSlam girl baby tee. I should wear one of those fake t-shirts with the boobs on it and be like, woo! Yeah, Matt can wear a fake tuxedo shirt. Yeah! This is the broken down piece of meat.

1:04:42That's right. Is it weird? Am I going to hate it? No, you're not going to hate it. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. He's pumped. He's never been to a live one before. He said when him and his brothers would do it to each other, practice on each other, they had those pillow buddies that were wrestlers. I was into it when I was seven also. He's not actively into it now. I watched wrestling when I was seven. I think he was seven too, but we just thought it would be something cool. Maybe the wrestlers changed a lot of people's minds about wrestling. Yeah. Maybe you go now and you just think of an old dude that's hooked on OxyContin. You know? A guy that has to slam his fist down into a knee crack. A guy that has to tape a razor blade to his wrist to cut his own forehead. That's right. Sticking steroids in the butt real good. Sleeping in the van. Sleeping in his van. Because it's mobile homes.

1:05:46Late. It's not like that. Locked up. Playing the original Sagan games. That broken down piece of it. Strip clubs every night. Yeah, strip clubs. Every night. No, that guy's all washed up. We're watching the fresh guys. Yeah. I don't know one single wrestler. The fresh guys. Well, you guys call them the freshers. Wow. Yeah, well, we're just trying to do something different. Get up to L.A. for a weekend. That's different, yeah. Why don't you guys go to a vampire convention, too? It was my idea, so hopefully he's not just humoring me. I think the chances are pretty good. They were at a renaissance fair just a couple weeks ago. No, we didn't go. That's true. Crazy things. We didn't go. We just happened upon it. What if she enjoys it and starts getting into it? She will. It's my new deal. I think she will. It's like her thing. Jamie and I do, you know. Interesting. We go to breakfast. Yeah. I watch movies on the couch sometimes. Which is pretty good. Rebecca and I go to Legoland. Yes. Steadily. We're trying to be out and about. Oh, yeah. Out and about. That's unbelievable. About town. Yeah. If you will. Just incredible. You got to do it now before the baby comes. Wow.

1:07:03I imagine it's stinking in that arena. Ew, I know. I've been to live wrestling. Me too. A few times. It smells like beer and fart. Oh, you've been? Oh, yeah. I've been to live wrestling. It was badass when I was 10. It was awesome. He's never been before. And we've never been to a concert together. Never? No. What? We've been to a show, but not an arena concert. Really? Yeah. I don't think I have it without him. Never been to something like that. So this is going to be one of those things where we're going to be like, ah. Girls, girls, girls. Wow. 100. 5701949. Maybe I have it wrong. Maybe it's a big player for the, you know. Yeah, is it cool? 25 to 44-year-old. 30-year-old women. I don't know. 30-year-old women. Is wrestling still popular? I mean, it's coming to LA. It's not like we're in the middle of, like, Wichita. What's the guy-to-girl ratio in that building, do you think? 75 to 1. I don't know. In the movie, the wrestler looked like it was still a hot ticket. There was 14 people at those matches. No, no, no. The last one that he was at. Oh, the last one. There was 29 people there. Or he did or did not die. He died. That's what I thought. He didn't die. He didn't die? He doesn't die. You have to read between the lines. He does. He does not die. You write your own ending. He dies. You're sexy. Yeah. Hi. Ladies and gentlemen. Never even thought that. It's supposed to be.

1:08:26Like up to your imagination. He eventually died. He died right then when he did that jump. That's what I assume. No, he didn't. He was hearing ringing in his ears. He was done. He died. He's done. They gave him a big standoff. He just had a heart attack, a bypass. You just convinced me. You heard the ringing in it. The ringing in it. And he's wobbling. And he barely gets up on the top rope. And that's his. That is his crescendo. He dies. His last moment. He knows he's going to die. He does it anyway. That's how he wants to go out. He knows he'll die eventually. He was injured. He lost his daughter. He lost his job. The only thing he had was Marissa Tomei and he wasn't even sure of that. Now I can't even see a way that he lives, Sienna. He doesn't. Sorry for anyone who hadn't seen Marissa. I'm just going to say that he lived because... Hey, this is Randy the Ram. I died. No, you didn't. You didn't die, Randy. No, for real, Sienna. You did it. Freaking dead. You survived everything else. Why would you die then? Guy's got to die sometime. And that's how you wanted to go out, right? That's how I wanted to go out. And Sienna. I believe that's how you wanted to go out. Sienna was painful. It wasn't painful. No, it was. It hurt bad. You didn't die. I believe you were in pain. Not only did I die, my tongue was sticking out. Did that scar that was on your chest, did it rip open when you hit that guy? It did. It did. You know what? You want to know what?

1:09:44My heart popped right out of my chest. He did not die, guys. Deader than a doornail. Like, doornails are more alive than me. Sienna. He's dead. He died. He's dead. You know what? I had a puppy in my hands when I did it. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. You jumped onto a baby seal. Yes. Oh, no. Sienna. You dropped a ram jam on a baby seal. I dropped a ram jam on a dolphin. Baby dolphin. A baby dolphin. Oh, look at Sienna. We're getting her. We're getting her. Stop. Sienna had not considered up until this moment that he died at the end. She hadn't considered it until this moment. There's a box of puppies that he landed on, too. Stop. He didn't. Sienna is the most sensitive drool I've ever met. He's dead. He's dead. I'm glad he came around. It's true. The only thing he had to live for was that wrestling. Was that moment. And he knew that that.

1:10:41That was the final match. But that was the best. Sienna, that was the best way for me to go out. He finished what he liked. I finished what I wanted. And went on to live a long life. You think after he did that jump, he went and had beers with the guy that he jumped on? He was dead. He got up on those ropes like. Yeah. In his ears. He could barely walk. M1 Bo from Normal Heights. Hello, brother. Is that true that it's women that really are into it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, women love it, man. Oh, yeah.

1:11:47Rip t-shirts. They love it all. Rip his mom. Yeah. You know what else they love? Making love to a guy on steroids. They love that. Giddy up. That's right. Giddy up. I googled, does Randy the Ram die in movies? He's dead. Yes, he did. Maybe he did live and went in. No, that doesn't make sense. And what? He's dead. He's not. Got evicted again. Lived on welfare. I'm sure he eventually did die. If you've seen The Wrestler, call us right now and either say dead or alive. 570-1949. Because the whole point of the end of that movie is you have to decide dead or alive. He died eventually. Sienna, if you win this. Sienna's so sad. Look at her. I'll let Jay Ramjam me on the beanbag. He said he's going to die in front of everyone like that. Yeah, that's how he wanted to go. The lights went out. Her eyes are glassy right now. Sienna, if he lives by vote of M1s. Honest caps, M1s. Honest caps on. Honest caps. Honest caps. You know they're going to. I know. They're going to try to get me to cry. They're going to try and get Woods to get Ramjammed. I'll let Jay Ramjam me.

1:13:07I ram jam you right now. From the couch onto the bean bag. Wouldn't be the first time. Woods, that wouldn't be the first time. What else have you jammed? Is that what we're calling it now? The ram jam? That's going to be funny. That would make me laugh. But I don't want people to say it. Honest. I want people honest caps. You can't be honest. Four out of seven? Four out of seven. D? M1 Texas from Poway. Definitely deceased, my friend. One for dead. M1 Albert from Escondido. That's two deads. Why do you guys want him to die? Why can't you just be happy in your mind and just think, God, he could have gone on and lived. Could have gone on and become a vet. M1 Silver from Chula Vista. Actually, I heard they're making a sequel on the movie. So that means he's alive. There's one vote. I heard. One vote alive. I'm going to Google that too. M1 Brian from IB. Is he alive or dead? Dead. That's three. One more. We only need one more person to say that he's dead in order for him to be dead. If I win, do I get to Ram Jam Sienna? Wow. No. Get in line. Wow. That's disgusting.

1:14:37Mickey Rourke has already signed on to reclaim his role as Randy the Ram Robinson in a sequel. Let the M1s vote. Currently titled The Wrestler 2. It could be a flashback. Prequel. It could be a prequel. It could be a prequel. It says, sequel, The Wrestler 2. Prequel. Prequel. Prequel. Why do you want him to die? Why don't you want him to live? You guys are sick. Let's take it. How many do we need? I need one more dead. You need one more dead. You guys are so mean. I'll come out here and run him off. The Wrestler 2, full throttle. M1, Walker from Fallbrook, is he alive or dead? I'm sorry, dead. Yes! I never thought I'd cheer after that sentence. I guess I'll just... He's going to ramble. Wait, wait, wait. Let me give you the music, bro.

1:15:40Wait, wait, wait. And a video camera. We're going to get a video camera. Hang on. Don't do it yet, Woods. Hang on. He's really trying to balance himself. Am I? Woods is on the top rope. That was spent. Oh, wow. There's a lot of white meat. He says he thinks he broke the couch. I heard a snap. Oh, my God. He jumped off the couch onto the beanbag chair. Much like Thanksgiving, there was a lot of white meat going on. It's empty in the valley of your heart. The sun, it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears. We need some more wood for the fire, Paul. The harvest left no food for you to. Boy, get in there and stoke that hearth. I tried to start the hearth, Paul, but there ain't no more wood in the Mumford and Sons are playing. Can I watch Mumford and Sons, Paul?

1:16:58Absolutely not. We got wood to chop and salt and meat to cure. But Paul, Doc Rivers is coming over in one minute. Doc Rivers is the head coach in the NBA? I'm in. All the docs. Doc Rivers. Why is he coming over here? He's trying to recruit me. Chris Bosh will be here at nine. M1 Pablo from downtown. What was the word of the day? That's correct. You guys just call it Apple? He does now. Oh, it's like the Monsanto store. That's right. Oh, man. Hold on. Hold on the phone. Hold on. Congrats. Oh, God. He's got extra padding. Jay, the old man that does science. Jay's wearing a smock. It's plastic. He's wearing a... He wouldn't buy an actual smock. No. That's a lot of plastic bags. Holy cow. Dude. You guys ready? You scare me, Jay.

1:18:05Jay the old man. Oh, wait. We need his theme. Let me play it. Jay's the old man who does science. He's the old man with technology. With technology. The old man who does science. The old man with technology. He blinded me with science. But he failed in biology. Is that zero out there? Yeah, it is. I know that. Yeah, that's it. Tansom Ciro from our promotions department. Good morning. Sunshine. L.O.B. and Sienna. Hi, Ciro.

1:18:46Every time Ciro's around, it's like they turn into two cougars. He's like Eric Estrada in 1975. Look at him, dude. She's a sharp mofo, dude. Look at that jacket all four-fitted and sharp. Hair's all done. Look at these two housewives of San Diego. I know. Hello, dear. Wish I prepared. Would you make me a vodka gimlet, Ciro? Jay, the old man that does science, is wearing DC sneakers. A pair of plaid shorts. He's got on his white lab coat, and he's covered himself in clear plastic wrap. It could get a little moist in here. Jay, what is that thing to your right? The thing to my right is a liquid nitrogen container. It's a certified container that allows you to transport liquid nitrogen. And then to Jay's left is a white bucket. Oh, no. We do this thing called Jay the old man that does this. What is in there? It's very scary. What's in there, Woods? It's smoking. It's smoking. It's liquid nitrogen. Oh, my gosh. You can't just bring nitrogen. I just felt sick.

1:20:09I don't want to go in there. No, maybe you should stay there. Woods is coming into this room. No, you're fine. I was just playing. You're good. Really? Do you have to be close to zero that bad? What do you mean? Okay. It's being filmed, by the way, and we'll put it on. Oh, my gosh. He's put on a mask. It's a paintball mask. He put on a paintball mask. Full face shield, though, for my protection. Oh, my gosh. Is it ribbed? Turned it inside out for my pleasure. Now what are you doing? I'm going to make a cloud. Basically what I'm going to do today is I'm going to make a cloud. Okay. So I've got boiling hot water, and I'm going to put it in this bucket, and then I'm going to combine the two, and it's going to make a cloud. Oh, wow. Liquid nitrogen. He's putting heavy-duty gloves on, like if you work on the railroad-type gloves. Now he's taking the liquid nitrogen, and he's pouring it into the bucket, and it's smoking. Oh. My. Gosh. It looks like a fog pouring out. Dude. It's liquid, and as he's pouring it in there, you just see this fog, like a fog machine, coming out of the top of the bucket. I need a candy necklace and a pacifier. Here we go. Now what? This should get good real quick. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. I thought that was it. And now he's taking the hot water.

1:21:38He's taking the hot water, and he's about to pour it into that bucket. Oh, please don't have something bad happen, please. Are you ready? Yes, I am. Here we go. In three, two, one. Pour it. Oh, my gosh! Holy cow! Oh, my gosh! To get you, I've got some water on it. Holy... Holy cow! Oh, my gosh! No, you didn't? Almost. Oh, wow. No, I didn't. It looked like an... explosion of cloud Jay every time it gets crazier and crazier look at him He's holding the bucket. He's a mad scientist. He is a mad scientist Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh

1:22:39I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. It's cold. It's cold. It's freezing. Oh. Oh. What is that noise? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Listen to that noise. Oh, no. Put your headphones on. Oh, gosh. Oh, God. What is that? I don't know. Maybe it's that mic. Shut up the world feed panel. Did you shut his mic? I don't hear it anymore. I don't hear it anymore. I don't hear it anymore. Oh my god. That was incredible. I got it on my hand. Is my hand gonna rot away? Ciro was rubbing his poor face. His precious face. His precious, that beautiful face. His perfect face. That perfect Adonis face with tiger's blood in it. That's incredible. I am speechless right now. Oh my god. I ran out. I ran out like it was a tsunami. Wait. Until we post that online, people are going to flip out. That was one of the most crazy things I've ever seen. And you can hear it. It goes boof. There's a surveillance camera right there. I wonder if some security guard is just sitting there like doo-doo-doo. Whoa! Oh, my gosh. Jay, doesn't that make your heart skip? And you're an older guy. I don't want to give you a heart attack.

1:24:05Not older. You give all you got and this is what you get. Holy smoke. Oh my gosh. Dude, it makes the hair on my arm stand up. He's going to send me to an early grave. You can't do it anymore. And no, it's like too much for my heart. Oh my gosh. That scared me. Wait till they see this thing. Might be like a viral video. Could be. Oh my gosh. Because I didn't expect that. No. Gosh. Oh my gosh. Do you see how fast he poured that water in? Three, two, one, and he dumped it from up high. And it went bam. It was like an explosion. And you couldn't even see Jay anymore. No. And we had Adam, Ciro, and Chris all in there. On the front lines. On the front lines. There's water everywhere, by the way. Ciro, okay? That's why I didn't do it in the studio. Yeah, how's Ciro? Oh, we would have been toast if he did it in here.

1:25:05Ciro, are you okay? Ciro! He's fine. He's all right. Give him a towel. Maybe take his shirt off. Why is he oiling up out here? Weird. Wait, open the room. I can't see. Ciro, are you all right? Put some baby oil on. I got it. I got it. Here, he needs someone to get his back. Maybe I'll go off. It must be rough being Ciro. Oh, I know. Just walking around here like- Six feet three. You know- Dark. You know, Latino. Incredible physique. Great. Incredible physique. Much like that. Every day. Don't take a picture. Can I, Woods? Every day. Somehow. His stomach is hanging over his jeans right now. I don't know which is more of a science experiment. Woods, your stomach is so firm still, though. I know. I don't know. It's like a solid. Oh, my gosh. Maybe he's pregnant. I'm uncomfortable. It's hard like a pregnant woman. Yeah, it is hard. Like, here. Everyone on the show is pregnant. Oh my gosh. It's like buff, but it's big. I'm going to put it on our Facebook page. Facebook.com slash Mikey show. This is Ciro's stomach, right? That you're putting up. Maybe we can put him next to you. We should compare it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here, Ciro. Ciro, he's gone. Go get him. Ciro, I know you're listening. We're going to do an ab off.

1:26:36We'll find you. My heart can't take it anymore. Yeah, how much more can your heart take today? I don't know. Do you think Cyril will take off his shirt? Probably. He doesn't have to take off his shirt. He just has to lift his shirt like Woods did. He's also going to get us in trouble. Michelle from HR is going to come over here. Yeah, he has a girlfriend. She's not going to like us. Yeah, she's not going to like us. Are you kidding? Michelle from HR will be like, can you pull that up? I know. I hope his girlfriend knows that we're just admiring. She is a woman after all. I'm happily married. We're just admiring. We're not touching. He's a nice guy. All women love that. Don't you love when people admire Matt on his Facebook? Yeah, you love it. They don't do it on Facebook. I mean, we're not doing it on Facebook. We're doing it on the air. We're doing it on the air. When you choose to be with a good-looking person. Can you do the thing that he did? Oh, he's so cute and bashful. Okay, you have to take your jacket off. Sit down, sit down, sit down. I want to recreate the same picture. Oh, my God. I want to recreate the same picture. Oh, my God. Sit down. I'm going to just... Zero's stomach is completely flat. Zero, you have to do this. You have to do this. Okay. All right? Oh, my God. I got a belly. He does not. I do. Not after you see Woods. Perfect. His face. Did you get his face in that picture? Yeah. Okay. Oh, my gosh.

1:28:00Dirty bird. I'm just joking. These two cougars. What? You know who's really good looking is my husband, Todd. Oh, he's so hot when he takes his shirt off. He is. I mean. Yeah. So is Matt. I meant my boyfriend, Matt Commerce. Matt Commerce does have a very nice body. Oh, my gosh. I have a picture of him on my phone we can post, too. Very nice. Sure he would like that. Very nice figure. Yeah. Todd's nickname was Todd the God, apparently. Was. You know, you heard you say that. Matt gets phone numbers at every gig he plays dropped into his tip jar. Wow. Oh, man. That's rad. Can you imagine? Wow. That's rad. You must love that. Yeah. I mean, they're just admiring that. Mikey, when you go to speak at churches, are girls sliding you over their numbers after your testimony? Yeah. What happens is I'll be up there and just doing my thing, and at the very end of it, people come up. They're able to say hi.

1:28:58Goes to slipping phone numbers into my hand. Hey, how you doing? Bye, Ciro. Bye, Ciro. Thanks for coming in. Phone numbers in my Bible. Call me. It's not really the forum for it, Mike. I feel bad. We just made him lift up his shirt. I know. We liked it. You think? We still... Go to... The picture of Woods is on the page. Did you put the one of Ciro up there, too? Yes. I'm just making sure. Can you imagine if this was Jay and I? All the women in our audience would be like, first of all, Jamie is an angel, and so is Kim for putting up with you two idiots. You guys say stuff every day. What? You guys are cool. You guys are like, little angel. Little angel. I just, listen. That's a belly. Holy crap. The thing that I think is a little over the top is that right next to L.O.B. right now. is a lump of clay that she's been molding into zero. Woods, you're like making love to your stomach in this picture. You're like, oh, yeah. It's not the first time, Sienna. Okay. I didn't know I was that fat. I really didn't until I saw it on I'll Be Hitting the Gym Next Week. I've been telling you for weeks. No, Jay! Jay! Wow. Holy crap, that's fat. I'm telling you the truth.

1:30:18That picture makes you look worse. Oh, my God. You're not that bad. There's a song about Woodsy's stomach. This song was written about Woodsy's stomach. I don't, I don't have a fever for you. I'm sorry. Pardon? You're not hugging me. Trust me. There you go. You're not hugging me. Oh, wow. That was Woods. That was Woods. Damn it. Oh, my goodness. Dude, that belly is fat. F-A-T fat. You're pushing it out. I'm not. Look. Woods, you're grabbing it like a bowl full of jelly. And everyone over their pants. Yeah. Does everybody have fat sores along their belt line?

1:31:33Hey, when we come back, we're going to be talking to Pat Spain. He's the beast hunter. That's my nickname in college. How ironic that his name is Pat Spain and you're just patting yourself on the back. No, no, I was saying because I hooked up with some bigger girls. Is that right? Yes. The beast hunter. Yeah. Beast hunter. See, Matt uses the word beast for a girl that's hot. Oh, I don't. Really? I would have said dime hunter, but that wasn't it. I'm going to let you guys hear. A moment of Pat Spain sticking his hand. Let's come back, and I'll tell you when we come back. I'm Mikey. That's Woods. That's Lauren O'Brien, otherwise known as L-O-B. That's Sienna, our news girl. That's J, our producer. And our phone screener today is Crawl. Crawl. Crawl. So there's a show coming on National Geographic, and it's called The Beast Hunter. And I got to see a sneak preview of it. And you know me.

1:32:59I'm pretty honest about my observations. At first, I wasn't sure what I thought. But I got to a point where I said, I am all in on this show. What they do is they go and this guy that we're going to be talking to here in just a second, Pat Spain, who's a very likable guy. They take him and they send him out. And he investigates legends of like monsters, bizarre monsters, like real life. You've heard of like Chuka Cabra, like that kind of deal, that kind of thing. Right. He goes out into look for the swamp monster of the Congo. Wow. It was either the swamp monster of the Congo or the Sumatran man ape. I'll have to ask him. Oh, my gosh. But he goes out there and these natives are all out there. Right. And they go through a ritual where a boy becomes a man. And what they do is they go deep into the forest and they find this ant. It's a pretty big ant. And I'm talking about half an inch long. Large ant. Black. The venom from this ant is extraordinarily painful. And Pat Spain, the host of the show, takes just one of them.

1:34:30And he puts it on his hand and he provokes the ant to bite him. And when it does bite him, he goes, and you can tell it hurts. Well, the process for becoming a man in this country for these natives is to take these big gloves and dump tons of the ants into the gloves. No, thank you. And then put your hands in the gloves. And keep them in there for five full minutes. And Pat Spain decides, I'm going to do it with him. And all too soon. It's tough to watch. But as the gloves come off, it's only just beginning. Wave after wave. The pain keeps building. And it'll last for 24 hours. Pat Spain is on the line. Are you there, Pat? Absolutely. Thank you guys for having me. Hey, man. Glad to have you on. Listen, would you say that that was the most painful experience of your life or have you actually been through worse? Describable pain, man. That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever gone through. And I get a little...

1:36:14stress even hearing it. Oh, dude. Let me tell you. They show you Pat, and I'm just telling the audience, but they show him afterwards, and he's hallucinating. It hurts so bad. Yeah. Yeah, I lost my mind. I headbutted our cameraman. I tried to find our produce. I absolutely lost it. And the pain, craziest thing about it is that it builds slowly. You know, about every two minutes it gets worse. You can't imagine it getting any worse. It's like into your hands. Oh, my gosh. And then it just gets worse, and after five hours, it peaked 20 hours. Oh, my gosh. Whoa. Dude. Dude. Pat, why did you decide to do it? Well, I found out that we were going to be searching for this creature called the Mopinguari down in Brazil. And I knew the tribes down there are pretty notoriously closed mouth, like they don't really like to talk to people.

1:37:20Let's face it, man. I mean, colonists haven't exactly been great to the natives. Gain their trust. Show them that I was a, you know, I'm really into their culture. I'm respectful. I want to know the truth. I want to know the things that they tell each other, not just what they tell outsiders. Right. To our producers, I think the way to do that is just to participate in their most extreme ritual. Holy cow. The producer said, no way. He said, there's no way we're going to be able to clear this from health and safety. But I regretted it a little bit after. Dude. But it was incredible. Hey, was there any lasting effects? No. Amazingly, the venom is so weird. It's from these things called bullet ants, and they call them bullet ants because you can die from one thing. You can die? What? Yeah. How did you not? Well, I was prepared for it. I think one thing can send you into shock. Oh, my gosh.

1:38:23Yeah, it's pretty crazy. I just brought up a picture of it on the computer in here. And if you're at home right now or if you can, Google image bullet ants. They can get about tenches long. And really nasty. The craziest thing is they hiss at you. Oh, dude. Oh, my gosh. Sienna. They are evil-looking creatures. Do you know how many bites or stings you got? The gloves had over 100. They had about 100. And one can kill a person. Dude, listen, when you first got bit just by, when you tested it out just with one ant, it looked like, because you said, you compared it to a bee sting and said it was like, what did you say on the show? It was like 10 times a bee sting or, I don't remember what you said. You can imagine. They've estimated it that it's a bee sting. Oh. Oh my God. And let me tell you, the show is called.

1:39:27The show is called Beast Hunter, and it's on National Geographic Channel. And it's going to come on tomorrow night. Friday nights at 9. Friday nights at 9. And this is what I'll tell you. You can tell that this thing that he's going through is so real, what he's going through. And they're having to bleep him. Because he's hallucinating, he's cursing, he's flipping out. Crying. Dude, that was the craziest thing. So I don't remember how many hours after it was, but he puts his hands into ice water, and it feels so good, it makes him cry. The first time I cried during the whole thing was that ice water was just such a relief, and that was about five and a half hours afterward. Pat, can I play that clip? Sure. Here we go. I had hoped this ordeal would simply earn me some trust. But I've bitten off more than I can chew. Please. Here, in a forest in Brazil, I'm losing my mind. When I put my hands into ice water, it's the best feeling on earth. It feels so good. Anything this good.

1:41:11It's loosening, too. I can feel it. Dude, it's crazy. You have to see this show. It hurts so bad. You have to see it. This feels so good. I love this part. Jay. Jay. Jay. You're such a creep. How do we get on the boat? Oh, my gosh. That's intense, dude. Oh, my gosh, yeah. It makes me ache. It's intense. wild. I had no idea. Like, all of a sudden, I kind of snapped back into consciousness, and I realized I was, you know, a mile away from where we were before and had no idea how I got there. You're a man now. Yeah, dude. You are a man now. Hey, what's the average age of those guys that go from being a boy to a man that do that? They usually started at about 12 or 13, but they actually have to do it 20 times. What? What? Yeah. Why? What? 20? In order to be a hunter.

1:42:11A lot of people opt out of it. They just say, no, I'm good with driving a boat. I don't need to be. I'll get some berries. So it's like really awesome to be a hunter? Yeah, yeah. Well, it used to be a warrior, but they don't really have need for warriors as much anymore. So now it's to be one of the hunters in the tribe, and it's a very highly respected status. 20 times in the span of how long? Years. Years, okay. So people have died doing this, clearly, right? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Just walking around the forest and getting stung by. Oh, my gosh. Are you in a relationship? I can't imagine. I called her the next day, and she just went, oh, you know, the producers had called her that night and told her I lived, and I was okay. Oh, I can't imagine. By the way, Pat, who do you get? Do people ever tell you that you look like a famous person? I've gotten a few. Actually, in Indonesia, they thought I was David Beckham, which was pretty awesome. And who else have they thought? I got Chris Martin and Justin Timberlake. Oh, wow. See, I thought he's got kind of a Leo DiCaprio kind of thing going on when he's got the scruff. Both these girls just ripped their laptops open and started Googling. I'm looking at a picture of you right now. I thought it was like David Silver, kind of. David Silver. Brian Austin Green. Yeah. He's a sharp guy. But he's very likable, and the show's good. It's called Beast Hunter.

1:43:34It's amazing. LLB has a question. Can I just ask you if you have any plans to track down the Jersey Devil? I'm from New Jersey. Yes. Oh, nice. My sister lives in Jersey. It's a nice little place. Yeah, it's very cool. Oh, by the way, Pat, Lauren is pregnant. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. But I'm from New Jersey, and I grew up being scared of the Jersey Devil being in the forest, and I want to know if it's out there. Maybe you can... Dare the Devil is another one that's kind of a tough sell. It's just such a populated area, it'd be hard to hide something like that. Yeah, I guess so. But that was a great story, though. It's one of those ones that's fun to tell kids, and I love all those monster stories. What about Nessie? Yeah, another one that's just landlocked, and there's so many people around. It's kind of, we go for the little more esoteric ones, the ones that a lot of people haven't heard of, and that they're such remote areas that there hasn't been much research in. Sure. I really think there's some basis. to these. That's awesome. He looks for the Sumatran man-ape. He looks for the Mongolian death worm. The swamp monster of the Congo. And the one that you looked for on the episode that we just played? Moppingwari, or the Amazon nightmare. There you go. Beast Hunter is on tomorrow night at 9 on the National Geographic channel. Watching it. It's pretty good. Hey, Pat, we appreciate you coming on the air with us. Appreciate the opportunity. Thanks so much. Okay, man. We'll see ya.

1:44:56These girls ever just look at their computer screens? I didn't know what to expect, and I heard his voice. He's a badass. She's like, yeah, I just want to know about the mopping quarry. Well, no, I want to know what kind of man we're dealing with here with hundreds of bites. He must be a badass. I was looking to see if there was any pictures of his hands after the bites. Incredibly good looking. My goodness. A lot like Todd. Thanks, Jay. He is very good looking. Speaking of good looking, Todd is good looking. Back to you. Back to you guys. You're going to get us in trouble. My boyfriend is not texting me back. Thanks a lot. He knows who you are. What did you say to him? Babe? And he said, ha ha. Oh, wow. And I said, you know you're the hottest man that I know, right? I got nothing. Oh, boy. I got nothing. I got nothing. So the tables. The tables have turned. I guess I'm not the only creep on this. No, we were just playing it up for a bit. Were you? I was, too. We were. That's what I did. Yeah, but you guys are, you say it not to their faces. Lauren and I are like, yeah. I know. It's creepy. But that makes a difference. Does it? That's not as creepy. I said to those Chargers chillers, I said, you must have been born with a boyfriend.

1:46:27The way you look. Yeah. Because she was, you know, they were 15s. Yeah, your wife wanted to crack your head like a walnut. She was furious with me. And I had M1s writing me like, you're a dirtbag. Yeah, you're such. I'm like, oh my God. But we're, Ciro's like a little brother. He's younger than us. A little brother you can make out with. How dare you. We were just saying it as like a, you know, like, oh, look at you. He's so cute. How dare you. Guys and girls are different. It's a double standard. It's not fair. You guys can't say it. We do it twice a year. Yeah. Twice a show. Oh. Yes. Well, since Zero came in and ate all that disgusting food we put in front of him, it was impressive. Yeah. Can I pull the curtain back? Look at Sienna instantly head down. She knows. Yes. Go for it. Yesterday. It's for the sake of the show. Oh, right. It's good on the air. It is. Yesterday, during our meeting, Sienna goes, okay, seriously, just. You guys, just seriously. Hear me out. And as soon as she said that, we're like, really? You guys. She goes, look, St. Patrick's Day is coming up. What if we had Ciro? Hang on. Just hang on. Hang on. Well, because of it, we've come up with a great bit for St. Patrick's Day. Shirtless Wednesdays. No. Pantsless Thursdays. No one on this show would have done what Ciro is going to do on St. Patrick's Day. Chris said he'd do it.

1:47:54No, he didn't. We don't want to hurt Chris. We love Chris. Jay, you're not a good liar. He's not a stuntman. I'm just saying. She said he would do it. Okay, the idea is Wiener Wednesday. It's not Wiener Wednesday. That's not true. It's Zero Thursday. It's Zero Sandwich Wednesday. What's going to happen? I get on one side. Lauren gets on the other. We make a Zero Sandwich. You ever heard of a hero sandwich, Mike? It's a Zero Sandwich. Come on. Gyro. It's a gyro. Gyro. Our bid is called From Zero to Hero. It's perfect. Lori came up with that name. It's perfect. It is. There was all kinds thrown out like seriously. Yeah. Put some milk on your zero. I'm being zeroes. I'm being zeroes. Syrope on your pancakes. Syrope on your pancakes. It was brilliant. Oh boy. So question. Yeah. Do you guys think that if you become a vegetarian, because my wife has, that it can affect your, that it can make you anemic? Absolutely. Absolutely. You lose iron, right? Yes. I thought that was like a known thing. That's why we use iron skillets at home. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. You use iron skillets at home because President Grant gave them to you. Okay.

1:49:18You are correct on that. As a wedding present. Well, when Rebecca had the twins, she had to have blood transfusion, right? Because she's anemic. So then she becomes vegetarian last year. She had to go to the hospital, what was it, like three months ago? Remember I had to go to the hospital? Less than that. Or less than three months. Yeah, less. And doctors were like, we don't know. I mean, we can tell that you're anemic. Did somebody just groan? No. What was that? It was like a bear yawning. Was that a chupacabra? It wasn't me. It was your stomach. It was a bear yawning. It was a bear. I am turning my computer off to restart it, so maybe I don't know if something came through for that. Yeah, computers often yawn when you restart. When you restart. Well, the new Windows Vista. We got to roll the tape back on that sometimes. You may not have heard it if you were in your car because it was so famable. It was awesome. You have to replay that. Pat Spain is like,

1:50:42I'm here in San Diego, California. At Studio M in Mission Valley. Looking for the Mikey Show Monster. Some people think that it's a possessed computer. I know when you open Skype, it goes, oh. Who's Jay Skyping with in there? Hey, Kim, shut up. Pat, you're looking good. Oh, my. Weird. Oh, my. Weird. You know, pat can be a boy's name. No, that is not my bit. I'd love to pat you in the bedroom. Bye, Kyrian. Do you want a pat on your bum? Passing. Do you like pat Sajak? Have you seen my way? Oh, wow. So, Rebecca, anemic. I'll meet you in the port-a-patty.

1:52:31Do you need a patch on your jeans? So Rebecca's okay, though, right? Yeah, sign me up for that. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Lord, for Jay, Isabel. Thank you so much. It's a blessing. Looks like you got one cock. Give me, like, percent. Oh. How about if you beep? Gosh, you got a break. Oh, my gosh. Too bad. Jay is upset today. He's got liquid nitrogen running through his veins. Exploded his face. Melted his face off. Oh, we have got to get that video up, man. Oh, dude. At some point, we'll talk about anemia. I know EBW is supposed to come in. Eskimo Blue Waters probably had her waiting too long. Oh, by the way, we talked about...

1:54:14an intruder that broke into somebody's house and took a shower in their house, and then the owner of the house came home with a couple of German shepherds, and the intruder got scared and called 911, we have the actual 911. The real 911 calls. Tonight's 8 o'clock album is The Flaming Whips. Wow. The Soft Bulletin is the name of the song. Sorry, the name of the album. An M1 is a Mikey Show listener. If you're an M1, you call in, turn your radio down, get to the point, and you don't cuss. You also turn new people on to the Mikey Show all the time. And you listen for long periods of time. Mike, my wife wanted me to tell you that she turned seven new people into M1s at her office. Wow. Nice. Good work. She's out there doing the work.

1:55:43M1 misses Woods. That's right. M1 misses the kid. Misses the kid. Well, the weird thing is, man, is that there's so many people that I meet and run into that have no idea that I was off of 105.3 and that I was still on the air. All seven of them. None of them knew where you were, what we were, what we were about. Nothing. Seven. Seven for seven, she got them. And now they're all the way in, which is awesome. That's great. That's great. Yeah, it's incredible. Well, what's not great is that people don't know. I'm phenomenal. But, I mean, that's what I'm saying. You know, tell people. Tweet it. That's a cool idea. Tweet it. Tweet it. Tweet it. Say, check these guys out. They're funny. Yeah. And say, you know, Mikey's still on the air. A lot of people don't realize that I'm still on the air. And just give the station that we're on. FM 94.9. Yep. I saw something cool on Facebook. A guy said that he was outed by his boss or his co-worker. He said that someone said something in the meeting and he said, 100. And then the guy said, you listen to Mikey Show? And he goes, yeah, me too. You ever just say stuff? Yeah, it's great. That's great. That's fantastic. 570-1949. I need to lose weight. Here's your food. Non sequitur. Look at mine. Yay!

1:57:09Two breakfast sandwiches. Really, dude? It's killing me. It's killing me. Maybe you have some control. You ever just so fat you get two artisan breakfast sandwiches? Wait, wait. They're little. Are they? Yeah. Wow. That's unbelievable. Holy smoke. Two. Just incredible. Yep. Two dose. It's okay, man. Is it, dude? Is it? Is it? You'll burn it off. You can burn it off. You can burn it off. Doing what? You can burn it off. Look at it today. It's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to the shrink, and then I'm going to get my hair cut. So there you go. Feast on that. You have plenty of time after that. Yeah. I love you so much. Don't cut your hair. No, I'm just getting it cleaned up. I'm letting it grow out. I'm going to grow it like Don Dawkin. I cut our kids' hair yesterday when Rebecca was gone. What? Oh, my. You did what? Yeah. She left, and I cut Luke and Ryan's hair. You can't just go and do stuff like that. I did. Did you get in trouble?

1:58:19No. You shaved it? No. I cut it with little scissors that I use on my beard. Easy, Edward Scissorhands. Why did you do that? Because it looked dumb. Really? Yeah, it was sticking up like alfalfa. So you took the bull by the horns and said, Dad's going to take care of this. Take care of it. Where did you do it? As they were walking around. No. So there's hair everywhere? Yeah. Oh, my. You're like, Rebecca, I'm going to need you to clean this up. Babe. Hey, babe. I'm speechless. I don't want to see that hair on the ground. Okay, apparently I'm finding out two things today. One, you can't follow your kids around, cut their hair, and just let it fall on the ground. Right. And the other thing is apparently you can't ask your friends if they're late. Stop. Stop bringing it up, Mike. Lauren may be pregnant if you weren't listening. If you weren't listening earlier, Lauren's having a baby. She's not. What did that baby do? She made a joke about being pregnant via text. Yes, because I was so emotional yesterday. She was crying in the meeting, and so she said sorry. But I didn't think it was a joke because she goes, that'll get you. Read the text. Did you hear what Jay just said? No, and I don't want to. He said, are you showing?

1:59:37You ever just cross the line? You ever just cross the line? Quite often. You ever just said D about people's weight? Were you perfect? Yes. No. Jay, how many pounds have you put on since you started the Mikey show? Like 11. So she says to me, she says this was after she cried in our meeting yesterday. Oh, stop. Profusely cried. Three times. She said. Waterworks. She said. I cried this morning too, so. Thank you. Sorry for the meltdown. I didn't plan on that. Ever just act like a pregnant chick? Am I? Acting. And I wrote back, you're kidding, right? And she said, yes. And I went, whew. And she put, as far as you know. And I wrote, L-O-B. Whose is it? And then I wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha. And then I put, M1 Eric Terman, right? Brother. And then I put, Mal Hall?

2:00:41Garrett. Garrett. Garrett. Wow, you're going to get a lot of people in trouble. And then I wrote, because I, you know, I thought she was being serious, so I wrote, are you freaking late? Yeah. And she wrote back, she wrote back no with seven O's, exclamation point, and then called me a creep. Rightfully so. I was still here doing the podcast. Not fast enough. Yeah, apparently not. And my phone was like... And we got a million texts back and forth with Mike. And then when he wrote that, I threw my phone down. No! I didn't know. You can't ask a girl if she's late. You can't if they insinuate their finger. You put a ring on their finger. Is it heavy? Oh my God! That's it? That's just as bad as you can. You can't bring that subject up. Mike, do you think it's okay to ask me if I have cramps? Yeah. It's not? Are you menstruating? No! I would think that you would think that we're like buddies if I did that. Like we're buddies. Just a couple of girls? Yeah. Hints. Hints.

2:02:01It's the equivalent of being just one of the guys. Like, you know how a girl wants to be one of the guys? What if I said, do your boys itch today? Oh, that would be weird. What if she was like, Mike, Mike? Are you gassy today? Ew. Do your boys itch is the perfect comparison. Yeah, if are you gassy is just an odd thing. How's it hanging, Mike? That's weird. It's the same thing as what you've done. Yeah. The same. You're going into that territory that you don't need to know about. You come back from the bathroom and I say, hey, was it two stream? That would be really weird. What the hell? Did you say two stream? I don't know what it is. But, okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'll give you an apples to apples, I'll give you an apples to apples comparison. Okay? Monsanas. If I texted you, if I texted you and I said, You know, we were talking about something and I, as a joke said, I should probably get the prostate check. It's that, you know, I'm 40 years old. And you texted me back and said, well, have you had, you know, have you had them checked before? I don't know. Are you having trouble peeing? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you said that. That's weird. I would never do that. It's weird for her to ask you that. Not if I insinuate that maybe I've got.

2:03:27No. Some prostate issues. Why didn't you write back, are you having a baby? That's better than arguably. A baby is different than prostate. Because I thought to myself, holy crap. I thought to myself, she's like missed a period. Oh, stop saying that. Stop saying that. Holy cow. If you joked around about how you're like, well, I just went through a four hour show and didn't be. Maybe I got my prostate checked. I wouldn't have been like, Mike, are you having trouble in that area? You wouldn't? No. I don't want to know about that area. That's between you, your doctor, and your wife. Anyone that's involved with the area is the only person that can ask about it. Matt can ask about it. That's it. I can because I'm a girl. I didn't make love to her, but if she's saying that she's insinuating that she might be pregnant. In a joking format. Yeah. Now you know not to bring it up. Unless it's your wife. You can talk to Woods about your prostate. I'm sure you already have. Yeah, I do. That's fine. This is your year. There's girl and girl thing. There's guy and guy thing. And then there's couple things. It's 50 now. Isn't it 50 now? 50. Oh, sweet. Supposed to get checked for the prostate. Don't have to go to the doctor for another 15 years then. Perfect. Maybe they figure out a way to do that by, you know, like a thermometer in your mouth or something. I know.

2:04:52Maybe they figure that out by drawing blood. Maybe they grab the inside of your thumb and forefinger and just hold it. You're all good, pal. The webbing between your thumb and index finger. You're good to go. You're looking good. Just feel your forehead like your mom used to do. Okay. You're fine. Maybe just a little film strip they put on your forehead that says no prostate cancer. Yep. That'd be really awesome. Instead, no. You have to be submitted to some sort of prison cell check. It could be like a pregnancy. Test. You just pee on a stick. Yeah, there you go. Oh, I'd be in on that. Speaking of which, maybe I get one. Stop joking about it. I asked Chris to get one for you. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, we're going to do it on the air a little bit. Surprise. What's the matter with you people? I was joking. Just kidding. Don't you know a joke when you hear one? First of all, there have to be the immaculate conception. Right. Second of all, I'm not late, so everyone just calm down. Mike, wasn't there a romantic getaway a couple weekends ago? For LLB and BFMC. It was just last weekend. It wouldn't happen that fast. And we didn't even do anything anyway. Really? You guys are getting too personal. This is really awkward. This is on the air. I'm creeped out. Hey, bud. I got in trouble for saying, are you late? Because that's disgusting. Meanwhile. Don't try to spin this. Yeah, but your question, Mike, was very personal. I'm a sad, strange little man. Liz is just, you know.

2:06:19Stating the obvious. Yeah, they went on a romantic weekend. That's not creepy. You were bringing up something that is not to be discussed. I hear you creepy guys say the creepiest stuff, and I said something clinically clinical. Are you late? We say creepy things as a joke to rile each other out. Mine was clinical. You're not a physician. You're not her physician. Had you been her OBGYN, you could ask her, are you late? This conversation is grossing me out. You could have asked her, but you're not. Stop, because it's creeping me out. It is. Come on. Fine. I thought we were all grown-ups. Nope. We're not. No. I feel like a little kid. All right, you want to hear this? Yes. Jinx. You owe me a Coke. So the other day we talked about... this guy that broke into somebody's house. I believe it was in Fullerton. This was nearby. Yeah. He broke in. Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't. It says Portland.

2:07:25Oh, Portland. I mixed up stories. I'm so sorry. I mixed up stories. A guy breaks into a house, decides he wants to take a shower while he's in this house. The owner comes home with two German shepherds. Here's the guy in the shower. And the guy that's in the shower, the intruder, gets scared, locks himself in there, and calls 911 because he's so worried that the homeowner has a gun and is going to hurt him. Here's the call. I don't know. What a dirtbag. He sounds so calm, though. He's probably trying to be quiet. Most sadist criminals are. Well, sadist is somebody that tortures, right? I think this guy's like... Just a perv. Creepy perv. Or maybe he's just homeless. He's in the shower, though. What's he doing in there? Homeless with a cell phone, making a call to 911? That's true, that's true. Good point. He's in the shower. Panties, grabbing panties and stuff. Yeah, pretending he's like Carmen Miranda. Sir, did you just say you're watching The Hills? I'm losing your hand. I love LC. What am I going to do? That's scary. Get him, baby. German Shepherds. Get him. Oh, that's scary.

2:09:10Why don't you open the door, pal? Hey, Sally. Open up. Hey, little gal. Hey, shower. Hey, shower Annie. Hey, creepster. Hey, shower Shirley. Open the door. Open the door. Open the door. Are you afraid? I'm afraid. I like to break into people's houses. I'm a pervert that likes to take a shower. I like to grab panties and go to the bathroom and take a shower. I like to put coconuts over my chest. I'm sorry. My name is Tim. He gives his name. Yeah, that's him. He looks like he's in an alternative rock band. He broke in because he needed to take a shower. See, I was right. Cause I am in the shower and I do not live here and I... I really am a super dirty creep who breaks into your house and showers neat. It's empty in the valley of your heart. You are a clown. What? Kidnap? I was kidnap? I've already called it.

2:10:43The homeowner? Yes. Got that one, too. It's probably the same 911 operator. What's your address? 2722 Southwest Rutland Terrace. Hold on one second. What's your name? Hillary McKenzie. Okay, hold on one second. Question. Can I shoot him? Do you have any weapons out? No. I mean, my cats are inside. I took the dogs and my daughter out. We just came home from the grocery store. Okay. He's in the bathroom. She's calling. Okay, and the guy is white, black, Hispanic. I have no idea. He was in the bathroom. Okay, hold on a second. Hang on a second. Are you white, black, Hispanic, or Asian? Well, my mother is German and my father is Polish. I'm a perman. Thank you. He's a perman. And the door's shut. He says he's in there and I said, who the hell are you? Okay.

2:11:46Why are you laughing? She's awesome. Because she's gone. She's out. She's like calm now. But she has a kid, though. Yeah, but she's got two German shepherds. She's not afraid. She's like, what's this guy going to do? I would be terrified if I had two German shepherds. But she heard him already. He sounds like a salad. He's scared. She heard him be like, my name is Timothy Scaredy Pants. But she is ballsy. To even go up to that bathroom door. I'm a woman. I would be like, whoo! I would freak out. I think she's a little bit of a hippie. Living in Portland, just mellowing out. Just high. Hanging out with Edward Collin real good. And he said, Timothy something. I totally forgot his name. I'm stoned. I'll tell you this. He's a wussy. He said he broke in and he was kidnapped and he was taking a shower. She laughed. We already have lots of officers driving. They also said Timothy something. Right, but I mean, I just got my daughter out. The cats are inside. The chickens are inside. I grabbed my dream catcher, too, on my way out the door. I put it in my Volvo, and we're all good. I'm riding on the llama right now. We're just getting back to town. I didn't get a chance to grab my love beads, but I'm hoping by the time you get in here. If my bong is there, please don't knock it over. Please. I did bring my hacky sack down. I'm growing wheatgrass in there, and maybe if he likes, he can have some. On his way out. I grabbed my marijuana. I got my marijuana. Thank goodness.

2:13:18With me, I'm standing outside on my porch. Just sipping a lemonade. With no coat. Oh. That's creepy, Uncle Jay. With no coat. Did he sound like he was high or drunk? Well, this is Portland, so, right? Well, I am. Hang on a second. Are you high or drunk? Or would you like to be? Well, he's obviously not. It's so awkward. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, if that's what you're asking. Well, we thought the 911 call might have sounded more like this. 911, what is your emergency? I'm scared right now. Settle down. Ma'am, sir? Ma'am, ma'am. Settle down. Settle down. Tell me what's wrong.

2:14:19I'm a guy. Oh, you're a guy. Sorry about that. I'm in a house right now. You're at your house. What's the address? I don't know. It's not my house. I broke in. You broke into the house? Yes. Yes. And I got out of the shower, and I think that the owner of the house is home because he's got dogs. And I think I heard dogs, and I don't know if he has a gun. Wait. Somebody broke into your home? No, you idiot. I broke into somebody's house and I took a shower. Gosh, what's the matter with you? Are you some kind of weirded creeper? Yes. Hello. Winning. Are you doing some machine bits now? No, I just got out. Yeah, I'm going to send somebody to arrest you for breaking into this guy's house. You're lucky I don't let his dogs tear you to shreds. I am so scared. Are you doing Blair Witch, man? Shut up. Will you please just send somebody?

2:15:29Yeah, I'm going to get killed. You know, you deserve to be killed. You're a criminal. Oh, my God. You're breaking into people's house. I'm almost positive he's getting a weapon. I have to go. Please send somebody. Yeah, I'm sending somebody. You don't worry about that. Oh, my God. Okay, feast. Wow. Feast. I think that's in the 911 operator's handbook. Feast. Feast. That's how you're supposed to end the call. End the call. Crazy important. Okay, and feast. M1 Sean from San Carlos. Hello. Hi. Good. In the shower. Hey, I will say this. This dude was lucky it wasn't somebody different. Yeah. Like me. Like you. Like Jay.

2:16:33Because we would protect our families. Yes, at all times. That would be outstanding. I wouldn't look forward to it, but I would take care of business if need be. But I wouldn't be like, oh, yeah. That's scary. You guys don't think you would think that, and then the time comes, and you're like, someone's my house. You don't know who it is. They could be armed. Come out, little piggy. Yeah, but what if they do, too? That's scary. I would be freaked out. I've had someone break in when we were home, and that's not a good feeling. 570-1949. Do you want to give us a call? Oh, Eskimo is fuming. She's fuming. Eskimo Blue Waters was supposed to be on this morning at 8 o'clock. She's been bumped 55 minutes. So we'll talk to her. I saw a... Black Lab walking down the street with its owner the other day, and it had two, and it had these pink casts on its back legs. And all I could think of, like, it oddly reminded me of that lamp from the movie A Christmas Story. Really? It really, it looked like that. It's one lamp with fishnet. Yeah.

2:18:44It's a sexy lady's leg. Yeah, it's a sexy lady leg. It's weird what you think of sometimes. We will let EBW in the room in a minute. First, Sienna, what's going on in the news? Have you guys seen the movie Aaron Brockovich? Yes. It's hard for me not to say broccal breast. That's what my husband says. Well, that happened in Hinkley, and there was the big story with the water being polluted, and people died from it, children. Well, residents in Hinkley have learned again earlier this year that pollution... Is back in the water and Pacific Gas and Electric is requiring cleanup. And Aaron Brockovich is now back and doing the exact same thing in the exact same town right now. Yeah, I'm going to test the water and I'm going to see if there's anything wrong with it. And if there is, then contact the authorities, the proper authority, the EPA. Have you seen the footage where the guy puts his ladder to the water and he goes right out of the tap? Oh, wow. Are you kidding me?

2:19:42The water catches on fire, and the guy stands back and goes, see? I'm like, move. Drink that. Oh, it's so sad. Oh, my gosh. So she's back in Hinkley rallying residents, sampling the water. Last night was a board meeting. She's getting back on, and I want to get them money and get them safe again. Is there a conversation if you can freaking light the tap water on fire? Yeah, you would think. There's not a debate there. You can't be like, listen, it's safe. Just drink it. You'll be fine. We just lit the water on fire. If you haven't seen the movie or you don't know the story, just an example of how bad it was. They had the toxic chromium in the water. And one of the women, the housewife that was affected by this, got a... $333 million settlement. Just this woman. What happened to her? There was toxic chromium in the water. I know, but she got cancer. Her kids got sick. Chickens on the farm were dying. That movie is phenomenal. It's such a good movie. Julia Roberts is in it. Can I ask... I'll say it.

2:20:45Also yesterday, the state of Illinois abolished the death penalty. The governor actually said he's, you know, long supported capital punishment. And he went through two months of personal debate over whether. Governor Brian, is that? Governor Pat Quinn. Oh, yeah. Governor Stevenson. The special that I watched must be an old. I think it was from 2004. It was Governor Brian. Governor Gibson, right? Governor Pat Quinn. said if the system can't be guaranteed 100% error-free, then we shouldn't have the system. It was one of the worst states in the nation for killing innocent people. The documentary I watched last night was clemency was granted to 167 people on death row. Isn't that insane? 167 people they were going to kill. I don't know how I feel about it. If they're innocent? Well, no. I mean, obviously. I was like, whoa, wow. I don't know how I feel about the death penalty. Me neither. I never know how I feel. Watching this special really made me against it because of how many innocent people. And it's hard to say because emotions get involved and the death penalty kind of gets decided by how gruesome we think it is. So you kind of put a value on, okay, how much...

2:22:02pain did this victim go through or what is the value of this victim's life? So did they figure out that they were innocent because of DNA? No, no, no. Not all of them were exonerated, meaning that the conviction was overturned. Clemency just means, okay, you're not going to be executed and this can go into appeals and there's not a deadline on it anymore. Wow. Well, how do they know that they're innocent? No, no, no. It just means that they're not going to be sentenced to death. They're still going to serve their prison sentence and then they can appeal their case if need be. But when you have a deadline on when your life is going to end, there's not always time to go through all the appeals. Wow. Tell you what, if I was on death row, I'd want to just be put down, even if I was innocent. No, not if you're innocent. I don't want to spend 15 years. I don't want to spend 15 years in jail. Oh, I would. Just put me down. I wouldn't want to spend 15 years in jail, but you have to clear your name. If 12 of my peers, they could go on and do it, but if 12 of my peers sentenced me to life in prison for a crime that they think I committed, then so be it. Well, what happened in Chicago, or at least what this special was alleging, was there was a lot of high pressure on the law enforcement and the prosecutors to find somebody. So there were sometimes forced confessions. That doesn't mean the person's innocent, you guys.

2:23:17That doesn't mean nobody's saying that. No, but it's kind of implied like, wow, these poor guys. No, no, no. Well, you do an 18-hour interrogation with no food or water, no bathroom breaks. You're going to be like, I did whatever. You see it all the time. Woods. All the time. If I were dragged into an interrogation room today and somebody said you murdered your wife and tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. I'm still there. I'm still saying. Okay. Easy for you to say. They're usually preying on people with a very low IQ, which usually means people in a poor class. So they were dealing with people. In one case, the guy didn't speak English. Oh, my gosh. He spoke Spanish, and he was only, you know, he signed a confession written in English. Oh, my gosh. Now, listen, listen. That, to me, sounds very specific. But these were some of the tactics being used by the police on the south side of Chicago. And when you hear something like that and you go, okay, well, these people can't even speak English. Okay, I get that. But the concept of, well, you know, they just didn't have enough time to appeal again and again and again. I mean, in a lot of these cases, these people are guilty as it gets. And I'm sickened by the appeal process. You know, that clown that killed Chelsea King.

2:24:41He's probably going to appeal. I don't know. I watched a special on him and he said he needs to be killed. And he hopes that somebody in prison actually kills him because he says he needs to be locked up. He will kill again. Now, he's not sentenced to the death penalty. Chelsea King's killer? No, he's not. But he said, I will kill again. Something is wrong with me. And I hope somebody in prison gets to me because I'm an evil person that needs to be killed. Yeah. That's creepy. That's really scary. It's insane. But you say for all those people that appeal and appeal and appeal, there are a lot of innocent people in jail. A lot. In one year that they looked at, there was like 245 cases of people on death row and 125 of them were overturned in wrongful convictions. Now that came from DNA evidence. Now that's something that's sort of new when it comes to...

2:25:35The judicial process saying I'm all for the process, man. I mean, I'm all for appealing. I really, really am. But you should watch it. They had even a prison, a former prison. He was the warden. And he even said he just didn't think he should be given that responsibility of hitting the button on whether or not to choose life or death. You know, it's just something that is not in most people's human nature to make that decision. Yeah, I mean, my beliefs are that it's the law of the land, whatever the law of the land is. I live in California. It's different in other states. Texas, for example. Texas is a machine, man. They're a factory. They're killing factory. They put people to death in Texas and Florida. Makes people scared to do crimes. While we were talking about this, I wanted to tell you that yesterday, Jared Lee Loeffner, who's the Tucson.

2:26:34Killer, the shooter in Tucson who injured Gabrielle Gifford and killed six people, including that nine-year-old little girl. He pled not guilty yesterday in court. And if you haven't seen, you've all seen the picture of his mug shot with a shaved head. He looks really creepy. Well, his hair isn't like that anymore. It's now like really short brown. It has these like crazy sideburns and just looks creepy. He walked into court smiling. I mean, there's people like that. He's probably trying to play like an insane. The crazy parents of the nine-year-old. Flip the switch. I've got no problem. I know. It's really hard to say. It is. It's just until their argument was there's no way to come up with a clear cut. Okay, well, when do we decide how heinous an act is to decide to pursue the death penalty or not? And it all goes on emotion and murder. Fundamentally, I'm against the death penalty. But if it's my kid, I'm like, yeah, maybe I want you to die. It's just a hard thing until you're there. I guess you never know. Yeah. But fundamentally, I'm like, I'm opposed to it. I'm fundamentally a believer in the law and fundamentally a believer in the judicial system. And I am fundamentally against criminals. Fundamentally. Sure. And if I have to pick which I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to, it will always fall on law enforcement. It will always fall on the courts. It will always fall. If I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt. You'd like to think so.

2:27:57Okay, but we're talking benefit of the doubt. Okay, if I got to choose. Your side. I'm not going to go, you know what? If given the chance, I'll give the benefit of the doubt to the criminal. Because they're not innocent until proven guilty? That's the rule in this. That's the law. That's the law, dude. Innocent until proven guilty. And that's not the case. When they're proven guilty by the court system that is in place that we've all agreed to that this is going to be what we go by. Then you have to enact, you know, if it's my daughter. What if you find corruption in the prosecution and in law enforcement? It's random. No, it's random. It's not random. No, Illinois is known for, especially during the 70s, the 60s and 70s when this was happening, there was a lot of pressure to get these high profile case to find the guy who did it. And there would be, there was a lot of stuff that you found out that there was false evidence that was presented. There was, you know, forced confession. Coerced confession. It's fascinating stuff. But if you continue the thought, you have to say to yourself, well, that's true. Therefore, we should stop this practice, which they did, right? Yeah. They stopped this practice, which is the law of the land. I mean, it's stopped now. I mean, I'll tell you what, man. Watching some of these stories on, you know, like the story that I told you about the other day we were talking and I told you that. The five-year-old little boy?

2:29:23No, no. The Mountain Men. The Mountain Men. Yeah. Great story. Those guys, you know, the father, he murdered someone. Sure. And was willing to murder others. And, you know, he's in jail for life. And they're spending, you know, taxpayer money to probably give him a pretty, well, better lifestyle than he had before he was arrested. Living in the mountains. Yeah. Running water, no toilet. Yeah, he's got three straight meals a day. Three hots and a cot. Yeah. He doesn't even have to eat squirrel meat anymore. Well, kind of. It's pretty gnarly, I would imagine. Oh, the food? And if he chose to be a mountain man, I'm sure he'd prefer squirrel stew. I'm sure there's agencies that make sure that the criminals get the best of food. I don't think so. Yeah, really. Others, you know, they've got to have healthy treatment and all that. Well, you know. TV. What Gandhi said. What? An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind. An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind? What does that mean? Just keep getting, you know, this vengeance, you know, getting back at people. And where does it end? Well, but I get that thought. But then I guess what I would say to Gandhi is, is we have to have a system of justice. Yeah, but if we've decided fundamentally that murder is wrong. Yeah.

2:30:49And we've decided that you can't just go around murdering people, but then what do you teach when you go ahead and execute that person? Now, I'm still a little bit on the fence on it. Justified killing. If I were related to somebody, God forbid that anything, I mean, I probably would be like, I don't care what you have to do, get that animal and I'll hang him myself. But there's a whole... organization of people that are they showed this whole i mean it was a good documentary there's victims that are related to families of victims that were murdered and they're stepping up to the microphone saying my name is so and so my son was killed when he was five years old and i don't believe in the death penalty you know wow is california do we know if cal because i know we were a gas chamber state Didn't they abolish it? Remember, because Manson and his whole crew were convicted of all the murders and ordering the murders. They were all sentenced to die. Then literally like a couple of months before it went down, they changed it. Is it still changed? No death penalty? Don't know, but an M1 will know. Call us and tell us. I'd like to know. Capital punishment is a legal form of punishment in the United States, the U.S. state of California. It is legal.

2:32:04It used to be the gas chamber. I believe it is because I think that's why John Gardner did a plea so that they could not pursue the death penalty. You don't hear very often. You don't. Here in California, you don't hear very often of people being executed, but I wonder if they are and we just don't hear about it or if they're not. Compared to the amount of criminals that are actually incarcerated right now, there aren't that many executions nationwide. I'll tell you something. Metallica released their album Saint Anger. They did a concert for the prisoners at San Quentin. And I was one of the members of the press that went. Terrifying. Yeah. Terrifying place. Terrifying place. And I will never, ever, ever, ever forget this moment, dude. I'm in the... We're in the yard. Okay? And these dudes are walking around and they got on orange pajama pants and a lot of them have shirts off. Right. And they had this orange tape that was put up. OK. And the prisoners couldn't cross the orange tape. We were on the other side of the tape and the stage was on the other side of the tape and there were chairs set up on the other side of the tape. And that's where like the press sat and I was and all that stuff.

2:33:32And all the prisoners were on the other side, right? So I walk up to the tape with a few other guys, like a few other members of the press. We walk up to the tape. We're talking to these inmates at one of the toughest prisons in America, San Quentin. I will remember this moment till I die. This guy is wearing these orange pajama pants or whatever they are. Tatted up. I mean, just. had it up. He's got tattoos even on his neck and his face. And he goes, Mikey. And I go, yeah, man. What I don't remember is his name, but he said it. And he said it like there would be a recognition and I didn't know who it was. And he goes, Gilroy Hyde, dude, 88. No. I went to high school with the guy. No way. I went to high school with the guy. And what I remember

2:34:38This is what I remember about it the most. He had the sweetest, kindest eyes. And I remember thinking to myself, I wonder what happened. We were both the same year in high school, the same age. Do you know him at all or remember him? I vaguely remembered the guy. That is trippy. Isn't that trippy, dude? Wow. It just, I mean, I remember it. piercing my heart. You got two guys, same age, same grade, same path, same path, same path, split. Yeah. You know, you went one way, could have gone that way. And I remember thinking to myself, I'm going to leave here in an hour. Yeah. I'm going to go, I can go to Mickey D's tonight if I want to. Yeah, well, what they did was they put us in a bus and they drove us in there. But I knew, you know, later that night I was going to be driven back to my car. Yeah. You're like Johnny Cash. Yeah. And that guy.

2:35:41That guy was staying in there. Terrible, dude. That's crazy. I looked up on Wikipedia. It says capital punishment is a legal form of punishment in California. It says since 1976, when the U.S. Supreme Court reinstated the death penalty, 13 people have been executed by the state. As of March 2nd, 2011, last week, there are 713 offenders, including 19 women on California's death row. I wonder what it takes to get a woman executed. I bet it doesn't happen often, right? I think statistically there's just so many fewer women that commit violent crimes. No, I mean that actually get executed. I think it all depends on what the prosecution pursues, and sometimes that has to do with what the family wants to do. It's just all up to how gung-ho you want to be. Could any of you view an execution? No. I don't know, though. If it's someone that took someone. When I went to, when I didn't go to college, but in the college town that Kim went to, they had a big prison there, and they would execute people at the prison, Huntsville State Penitentiary. And we would go out there at night when they were going to do it, because they usually did it in the evening. And there would be a ton of people protesting, and there would be a ton of people that are all for it out there.

2:37:00outside the prison. Why would you go down there? Because I just want to see the freak show that was going on. I'd sell them sandwiches. Yeah, I made about $4.75. Lemonade stand. Lemonade stand. Get your lemonade here on your way in. Hey, you big sale. You freaks thirsty. Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs. It's very special. One sparklers. Pre-made signs for and against. Who wants a four-cent? I've got to fry them if you want it. I've got to free them or fry them. Free them or fry them. Free them or fry them. How you doing, little boy? You want to free them or fry them? I want to fry them. How many fry them? $4.25 for a fry them. Anybody want marshmallows? Too soon. Too soon. Too soon. Anybody want to fry some chicken? I mean. Let the lights go out in Huntsville. What am I going to do with all this fried chicken? Jasper. Jasper. Jasper. You ain't born yet. Jasper the future? Jasper. Jasper the future. You ain't born yet, but get back on that grill. Get me a cooler. I got a wrap on it. Daddy, I'm sorry. Should I flip these now? Yes, you know to flip them. I told you four minutes aside. Four minutes aside.

2:38:18Daddy, are these turkey burgers? I don't think these freaks want any turkey burgers. I told you that there's some veggie freaks out here that want turkey burgers. Daddy, but this ain't a fish concert. Trust me, it's a damn execution in Texas. Listen, boy. I ain't eating veggie burgers. Hey, this ain't my first execution, all right? Isn't it? Speaking of fish, give me those frozen fillets. That's right. Did you bring the tartar sauce, Bob? You brought cocktail sauce. Don't worry about it. Just mix up some of Daddy's Miracle Whip and that relish. Tartar sauce. That's what they get. That's right. It is generic mayo. I ain't going to spring for the Hellman's or the best foods. Actually, it's just Crisco and a stick of butter. That's it. And an egg. One egg. Whip it up. It's the same thing. Oh, wow. Wow. You ever just turn execution into a bake sale? Think EBW is upset? Oh, my God. You're a dead man. You're a dead man. I promise when we come back, she's coming in. I promise. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Now touch me, babe. Can't you see that I am not afraid? Where did it go? What was that promise that you made?

2:40:09All right, let EBW on the road. Oh, boy. Oh, take it easy. Take it easy for crying out loud. Why don't you talk about some more light morning humor, like the death penalty? You know, sometimes we have serious conversations, Eskimo. Sometimes you cross a line with how serious it is. Really? Yeah. I don't think you can ever cross a line with content. I mean, in terms of seriousness, important issue. Well, not to me. Hey, listen. I'm so upset. Can I ask you a question? Go ahead. Are you late? I meant. Don't ask. I meant. I meant. I meant you were supposed to be in here at 8 o'clock. It's 9.32. I've been here since 4. Oh, wow. Okay. I'm sorry. What were you here doing? Were you working? I was prepping. She had the week off. Yeah, I thought you took the week off. I did. That was last week. I'm back. Oh, oh, oh.

2:41:08That's right. Garrett was calling me and he's like, where have you been? No, he wasn't. He has no idea what your last name is. He doesn't know anything about you. I don't know that he's ever met you in person. People miss me. I got several messages on my Facebook page asking me to come back. How are you doing on that contest to play at the belly up? I'm in the lead right now. Are you? Yeah. What happens if you win? I get a gig. Your first one? Yeah. That'd be awesome. Well, the first one that people would... That you guys have come seen. Well, we won't necessarily be there. No, I can't. Take your word for it. I hate the members of the show. First of all, Eskimo Blue Waters, you are... A member of the show. Not. Yes. Not. No. I'm a peripheral member of the show. When you asked for a week off, it didn't make sense. You don't work here. You guys are working on getting me full time. Like you are with Chris. Listen. We're working on it with Chris. You, on the other hand, you're a 32-year-old woman. Not 32. In my 20s. Maybe almost 33. No, in my 20s. Don't lie. She's probably 33. She's probably 37. You're speaking in the first person. Her real name is Judy Douche. That also is not true. It isn't. True statement. Why don't you ever just get your facts straight? But isn't your name Judy Douche? No.

2:42:37It's Judy Duche, but that's not anything I've used on stage ever. Okay. When have you ever been on a stage? At the Mikey-thon. That's true. Fair enough. She was on a stage at the Mikey-thon. Thank you very much. So, why are you here? I'm here to help out all your M1s. Okay. I'm starting a little business venture. Based on a program that I've put into practice, and I think it could be beneficial for all your users. Okay. And maybe even you, Mikey. What is it? Woods. Oh, wow. It's the B30X, which is body 30 extreme. Oh. Or extreme body 30. Rip off everything. X30B? B30. B30X. B30X. So far is what I'm going with. It's a 30-day intense workout. You're sexy. You have to follow it. Per exact. You have to follow it per exact. Per exact. Okay, continue, Jay. For 30 full days. 30 full days. There's a strict... Now, it's all according to me. It's all sort of... We're going to do different body groups at a time. We got things like the can-can on there. The can-can? That's a dance? Is that a dance? Yeah. Can you demonstrate it first? Yeah.

2:43:57What is she doing? The can-can. Oh, wow. Oh, God. It's like a rockette. She's like a rockette. Yeah. Yeah. You would be surprised by how difficult that gets after, like, 30 reps. But how do you do that with sunglasses and a cowboy hat on? And boots. And boots. You got cowboy boots on. I wear cowboy boots with rubber soles. Rubber soles. Right. But I'm going to put it on Ustream. That's where you're going to sell it? I'm going to make people. First, they're going to try a trial version, maybe for just 30 minutes. Right. And then I will make videos available for sale. Yeah. Well, the problem is... It's called Eskimos Corner. You're such a... Oh, my God. That's a complete... You stream in Eskimos Corner. What do you spell corner with? With a K. That's Charlie Sheen. It's all the rage that you stream. Yeah, it is. It's from Charlie Sheen. Yeah. No. No, no. Yes. No. Do you have two boyfriends that you call gods? No, but I have several men in my life right now. You do? A lot of them, you know, are in the custodial field. She uses janitors to get in buildings. Got me into here, got me into the belly up. You alright, Eskimo? Winner, hello. Oh, wow. Alright, well, that'll do it. What kind of blood do you have? Did she just say winner? I have lion blood. What? What?

2:45:22What do you mean what? What? You said lion blood. Yeah. I'm very strong. It's a rip off of tiger blood. Territorial. It's a rip off of tiger blood. I have Atlantis DNA. You're such a D. What a jerk. Have you ever been to the Bahamas? How dare you? Atlantis. Out. I gotta go. I got something in my throat. B30X. I'll try it. Yeah, I'll do anything at this point. Ustream.com slash EBW. You're going to give out your Twitter? Oh, sorry. I was taking a drink of Jay's water. It's twitter.com slash official EBW. Good thing it's official. Has that been verified? Not yet. I'm working on it. I've got a rep from Twitter. How many followers do you have? I think somewhere just shy of 200. No big deal. Because I think you have to have about 20,000 to get verified. Yeah. Well, they're doing the preemptive. They know. Right. Once Charlie Sheen starts following me, then I think I'll pretty much be taken care of. He won't. I've sent him about 10,000 tweets and direct messages. You should tweet with Al Roker, too. Oh, wow. That's weird. Who's that? He's a weatherman. He's a weatherman. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you. Be pretty. Good to talk to you. Thank you. This next story makes me sick. The seven-year itch is now the three-year glitch. Oh, boy.

2:46:53I had never even heard of the seven-year itch. You hadn't? No. After seven years, you're supposed to get, you know, yeah, you start itching for something else. Yeah. Well, it says, you know, things like toenail clippings on the bathroom floor or someone gains little weight or you notice that you're significant other stingy. They said a little weight. Oh, wow. Okay. It's killing me. It's killing me. Even your daughter Sage is laughing. Yeah. He is a fat ass. God, he's fat. Mom! Mom! What's that big lady doing over there? That's Woods, Sage. Be polite. Is that in my Aunt Woods? No, that's Uncle Woods. Oh! I saw the boobs and I thought... Yeah, there was a survey that was just done in Britain. Over 2,000 adults were surveyed and they said that stress levels are now peaking towards the three-year area. So now they're calling it the three-year glitch because that's when...

2:47:57People are jumping ship now in relationships. It's a three-year glitch. No, that's right. I got tired of you after three years. It's fine. I got tired of you, too. You started driving me crazy. You leave your freaking toenail clippings all over the floor. You know what? What? I didn't have to marry you in the first place. Exactly. You're lucky I did. Yeah, you're the lucky one. You're the lucky one that does something called civil unions in this country. Maybe people start listening. To their wedding vows as they say them. That's right. I know. All I was worried about when we were taking our vows was getting to the open bar. I guess so. That's the only thing I cared about is getting a beef eater. Oh, surprise, surprise. That's all I wanted. All he was waiting for was the cake. That's a true fact. So I've got an eating problem and you've got a drinking problem. Fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Maybe we take a cab down to the... Attorney's office right now. That'll work for me. Here, sign these. Oh, really? You've got them on you, do you? You pretentious crumpet. Just a couple gay men arguing in Britain. Very convenient. Gay men. Oh, man. Well, you guys, you know me with the whole marriage deal. Tough it out. Tough it out. Tough it out. When you're dating, I always have had a theory that when you get to seven months.

2:49:22It's like, make or break. See, mine's always actually been the three years. It's that pivotal point where you're like... When you're dating? Yeah. What's going on here? That's a good thing. What are we? Where are we headed? Do we have a future? Hey, man, if you're with somebody for three years, I think that's fair. How about eight years? You were with Jamie for eight? No, I was with Jamie for six years. I was a monster. I'm sorry. I love you. Why didn't you marry that woman? I did. I know, but why didn't you marry her sooner? He had to get ready. He needed to be ready. Oh, boy. What are you, an egg? You're waiting to be done? Absolutely. Put a fork in you. You're done. Absolutely. Marry him. I did. This is Uncle Victor for marry my freaking niece. Or just jump in too soon because there's always divorce. Oh. Right? That's what I'm saying, though. People do that. Don't jump in too soon. Be ready. Even the people that are quote unquote ready, they jump out because that's what they do. It's like breaking up. People think of divorce like breaking up. It's terrible. It's a bunch of baloney. Malarkey. Shot by a cop. I got shot by a cop. It's Malarkey.

2:50:43You kidding me already? I told you. Getting a divorce. I didn't come here for a frigging debate. All right? All right? And I ain't getting no divorce. So get those papers out of my face. I got a number. That's right. How do you like them apples? Let's see. All right. We got to take a break. And you guys want to hear Miley Cyrus go off on paparazzi because they bumped into her mom? Oh, boy. What's next? Taking my dad in today. For a bone scan and a CAT scan. Good luck. I know it. They give him something, and then he's got to wait three hours. Oh, man. I know. You guys go grab lunch or something? I asked him that, and he said it just depends on how he feels. Yeah. You know? Jakey's doing good, though. Jakey last night threw up and had a fever. But Rebecca, I prayed so hard, and Rebecca said he's fine. She said woke up fine.

2:52:37Good to go. Yeah. A little bug or something, something you hate. I guess. Yeah, a little 24-hour bug, maybe. Isn't that the worst, that it always happens at night? Yeah. Always. Has a kid ever vomited at noon? During the middle of the day. Kids don't vomit. Has that ever happened? No. They vomit at 2.35. Yeah, unless it's like, you know, a sickness that lasts for days. Right. But it's always kicks off right at night. Because I know that I can sleep through nausea and whatnot now. Headaches, I can sleep through it now. But when you're little, you're like, I'm going to get up and boot real quick. Oh, it's the worst. Poor little guy. I wish that we could be like what we get, like what you give to your four-year-old when we're 35, 40. Somebody just holding us and kissing our head. It'd have to be a pretty strong dude. It would. me up, you up, and caress us. It could just be a normal-sized man for me because I'm the size of a four-year-old. That's true. Just call me. I'll come over. You know what I would love is a stroller for me. Oh, my gosh. At Disneyland? When you're a little kid, I push Sage in the stroller. She's out. She's sound asleep. And me have a hard time sleeping now. So I'm like, man, why can't someone just push me around all night? It's so cozy. How great would it be to be at Disneyland with a Gilligan hat on? Yeah. Sitting in a...

2:53:55Sitting in a stroller, just shaded. Sipping lemonade real good. No, sipping a bottle full of milk and you fall asleep. When you're being fussy, someone puts you in a giant swing. You're just like, all right. You're like, all right, cool. See Mikey with a baby Bjorn on his chest. Just sleeping. With a baby Bjorn on. You're just like, ah. Sleeping on some man's chest. Drooling. Oh, I love it. My little chubby ankles dangling out. Barefoot, of course. Barefoot. Barefoot. Big tat on your calf. Just hanging there. A little bit of drool just seeping out. Don't worry. Someone will wipe that drool off your face. You don't need to worry about it. Little angel's sleeping. You just fart any time you want. No one cares. I think it's cute. Then you have to go to an actual bathroom. Just right there. Just right where you are. Someone will deal with it. Yep. Hey, Mom, why don't you clean this up? Ma, I just made it right. Okay. Mom, clean up. I'll eat. I'll eat. I'll eat and let it spill all over you. Yep. Smash cake on your birthday. Yeah. Hey, Mom, you mind taking all the spaghetti off my face? I'll stay still. Just wipe it all off. I would love a smash cake. Go ahead and bathe me, too. For my 36th birthday this year. Well, I will say this about the spaghetti on the face, and this is every kid.

2:55:18Why is it that when you are cleaning a baby's face, it's as if they're being tortured? They just flip. It's like you're waterboarding them. Yeah, it's like you're waterboarding them. Yeah, they do not like it. You're like, hey, really? Moms always do so rough, too, though. Dude, thank you. You gotta work quickly, though. Because you have to? Rebecca is like... Pulling his lips off his face? No, you have to work quickly because you know they're going to squirm. It's so hard the way she presses. Maybe get some sandpaper, babe, next time you guys do it. I know. I'm more rough than Todd, too, when it comes to the cleaning. They do it. Just really quick. I see it. In the grocery stores, these moms will lean down with those wet wipes with their kids, and they're just like... And you're like, hey. You can get that stuff off. They're not going to break. It's delicate. My mom used to spit in a Kleenex. Oh, yeah. That's a good trick. I said the other day, I said out loud to Ryan because he was flipping out because his mom was cleaning his face. And I go, dude, it gets worse from here. I go, this is the best. You're crying over your face getting cleaned? Hey.

2:56:36One of these days you may walk into an office and your general manager says, sorry, you're gone, but the rest of your crew signed a contract. So get used to it. Just hypothetically. Get used to it. Dude, you were right, too. Not that you're right about Ryan, but he cries. He's a crier. I was over there last Friday, and he wanted to watch, what did he want to watch? Thomas the Train? Thomas the Train. And he knew he wanted to watch it. He thinks the TV, and this is not a joke. Ryan thinks that the only thing that's on the television is Thomas. Because that is usually the only thing. And when it's not on, it's like, hey, I want me some Thomas' drink. He thinks that's the Thomas machine. Yes. He lost it. Yeah, he doesn't ever see, because we don't watch TV in there. And so he's not used to seeing something else on that TV. He didn't like it. No, he flipped out like a baby. He's acting like a baby. He's acting like a one-year-old. He gets spun out if things are out of order. How dare he? If things aren't the way that he's used to them being, he gets it like father, like son, like father, like son, like father, like son. Yeah, same thing if Mikey didn't have Apocalypse Now playing on the TV. He starts crying. Or a red, black, blue pen. Yellow, green. Extreme prejudice. I'm just saying.

2:57:54Terminate. Learned habits. Really? Maybe. You never know. But you said he was at about a three there when I was over there. About a three to a four. Oh, yeah. He was flipping out. And I said, I go, dude, scale of one to ten, that's a three. I looked at Mike and go, maybe Jamie and I just get another dog, maybe. I don't know. Oh, stop. Hey, listen. Probably a better look. Nothing better than the kids, though. Yeah. You know what? There are times where you go, hey, any parent. Gets it. This morning, I had that time. I yelled out loud, like by myself in the room because Sage woke up at two and wouldn't go back to sleep. There are times when what? When what? Yeah, there's times when a piece of peach from a little baby peach, you know, cocktail falls off of Luke's high chair onto the floor.

2:58:57And he acts like someone vandalized his brand new Camaro. Luke or Ryan? Either one. My friend Bobby Mastros has three boys all about a year apart. And he called me with a third one. The first two were really sweet. They slept in the night. I go, how's the new one? He goes, I want to. Throw him out the window. Because I'm literally, at this point, I'm going to throw him out the window. I'm convinced I'm going to throw him out the window. Not funny. It's amazing. Like, you think, oh, I'm going to be such a great parent. I know everything. It's all the kid. Like, the kids are different. And you can parent the same way, but they're all different. Let me tell you something. You know how we know Ryan is a pain in the butt? Because Rebecca goes, Ryan ever cry? When Rebecca says, when Rebecca goes, Ryan ever cry? It means Ryan cries a freaking long. A lot. A baby. How was your daughter, Hill? Was she good? Oh, well, she wasn't colicky or anything like that. She just never slept. Sage! So that means you don't sleep. I literally thought I was losing my mind.

3:00:00When she was seven months old, because I didn't want to do the whole where you let them cry it out. You're exactly where I am right now. I'm listening to this. It broke my heart. I understand it and I know it works for some kids, but I was afraid to try it. And at seven months, my husband was on tour with his band, went up to my mom's for the weekend and totally broke down. Oh, yeah. I was like sobbing to my mom. Not that bad, but I put her down. I've seen the nervous breakdown. It was me. And I freaked out. And my mom's like, look, just... Just try it. You know, anyhow, long story. She slept. We tried to cry it out. She didn't even cry that much. Slept all night long for one month. And then since then, she's now four. She still doesn't sleep through the night. Oh, every morning. And she wakes up at 545 like clockwork. So I'm up like three, four times a night. If she sleeps in our room. Three, four times a night.

3:00:58Actually, last night she was maybe only up once, and she goes right back to sleep. But we have her sleep in our room now because it's the only way either of us get any sleep. That's how I am. What about Ambien? No Ambien? Can't do the Ambien. Ambien Junior. Ambien for kids. Chewable Ambien. Ambien Light and Chewables. For the most part, easy kid. She doesn't freak out. She doesn't have tantrums very often. She can be challenging sometimes, but she doesn't sleep. We're not having any more kids. It was so hard that I was like, okay, I'm out. You're all set. You're saying word for word what I say. Girl, it's... So, hey, Rebecca versus four. Nightmare by night. Rebecca did the cry it out bit. Oh, yeah. I couldn't. Oh, she did, but you know what? With twins, too, I can understand that. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, you'd have to with twins. And Rebecca said... And it works for some kids. Yeah, with Jake, she told me that she didn't do the cry it out until after he was a year old because it was the first, and you're so scared. I cried. I tried at four months, which is what the doctor said, and I...

3:02:05Sat outside Sage's door bawling. Me too. I couldn't do it. Sobbing. So now everyone says try again. She's bigger now. I'm like, I can't. I just can't. I'm telling you, man, something happens with that second kid where you're like, is a kid crying? Kid's crying. You know they'll be okay. He has dirt in his mouth. He's all right. He'll be fine. He'll be all right. Mike, I wonder how your little girl's going to be. I know. I wonder too. You should have a little girl. There should be drive-thru vasectomies. I'll do it for you. I'll do it. He's like, that's a good idea. I got a dull knife and some gasoline. I did mine. I wasn't going to go pay for that. No. I talked to insurance. I wasn't going to cover it. I saw a YouTube video. A dull knife. Watch YouTube. I got a torch. I got a butter knife. Let's do this. I got YouTube. I got a torch, butter knife. Went on there. Showed me how to do the vasectomy. I'll tell you, Matt, you start at the bottom of the vast efference, all right? All right, real quickly, because I had promoted it. It is Miley Cyrus freaking out at the paparazzi because they touched her mother. Don't blame her. It's family. She thought a photog hit her mom, and then Miley went off.

3:03:23Hey, if somebody touched your mom... Yeah, all over. She's just defending her mom. What do you got coming up, Hill? I grabbed Louis XIV, who are playing tonight at Flux. It's going to be awesome to have them back together again. Some Bad Religion, new recommended music from Black Joe Louis and the Honey Bears, the song Booty City. Oh, yeah. Iggy Pop, Arcade Fire. There you go. Lovely and talented Hillary's up next, and we'll be back tomorrow at 6, and we'll hang out again. Mikey Show's out. Late.