The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 03/30/11
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
restaurant etiquettemarriage argumentssecret spendingacting challengelost bet punishmentssmoking etiquetteprofessional athletescelebrity accountabilitycouple habitsmikey showchipotlemarriage
Lauren O'Brien admitted lingering with Matt Commerce in a crowded Chipotle booth, and the cast argued over whether a paying customer must surrender a table after eating. Woods aired his frustration that Jamie did not thank him for handling the move, while Mikey confessed that he hid novelty purchases and a new camera from Rebecca by labeling every receipt 'vacation.' Jay supplied the show's biggest physical-comedy bits by mangling Good Will Hunting, playing a hayseed at Subway, and revealing far too much when asked whether he shaved. Lou Bush and Woods then traded memorable athlete stories: Woods mistook Mike Sweeney for an amateur player, while Lou recalled Michael Jordan using a solid-gold Nike watch to tell him to raise his standards.
What happened, in order
Carlsbad stabbing arrest
The hosts reported that Juan Roca had been arrested in Indianapolis in connection with the fatal stabbing of Devin Allen outside Hensley's in Carlsbad.
Chris Brown second-chance debate
Mikey argued that Chris Brown deserved a second chance unless he assaulted a woman again, while Cheryl Burke's experience with domestic violence explained her objection to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars.
The Chipotle booth trial
Lauren O'Brien confessed that she and Matt Commerce kept a four-person Chipotle booth after finishing lunch, prompting a long argument over whether paying customers may linger when seats are filling up.
Woods wants an attaboy
Woods described handling movers, utilities, bills, and taxes, then complained that Jamie never thanked him, while the others argued that she was also overloaded by the move.
Vacation receipt loophole
Mikey admitted exploiting Rebecca's temporary 'vacation' receipt category to conceal a fart machine, fake poop, and a new $200 camera despite being on an allowance.
Jay hunts for the words
Jay attempted Matt Damon's dense bar speech from Good Will Hunting and repeatedly mangled words such as 'entrepreneurial,' 'inherited,' and 'plagiarize' during his acting challenge.
Hayseed at Subway
Paying off a lost bet, Jay entered Subway shirtless under overalls and in a ponytail wig, asked about moonshine, grits, fishing holes, and manure, and sang Sweet Home Alabama.
Jay overshares the shave
When Lou Bush asked whether he had shaved, Jay pulled down his waistband to demonstrate, horrifying everyone who had only meant his chest and stomach.
Smoke over the turkey burger
Jay said a patio smoker ruined his post-yoga turkey burger and wanted smoking confined to smokers' homes, while Woods and the others argued that he had no case if the restaurant allowed it.
Woods meets the big leagues
At a hospital visit, Woods asked Philadelphia Phillies player Mike Sweeney whether he played in the San Diego Adult Baseball League and later tried to turn the encounter into a friendship and batting lesson.
Michael Jordan's watch lesson
Lou Bush recalled Michael Jordan mocking his cheap watch and showing him a custom solid-gold Nike watch as a pointed invitation to step up his game.
Couples without boundaries
A discussion of couple habits moved from matching outfits and same-side booth seating to callers and hosts admitting they remove visible nose and eye debris from their partners.
People mentioned
MikeyLauren O'BrienMatt CommerceWoodsJamieRebeccaSiennaJayToddLou BushChris BrownCheryl BurkeDevin AllenJuan Roca
29,073 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
Yeah, yeah. Tripping out because I was trying to get my computer to play sound and figured it out. So we're all good now. I was going to tell you I didn't care for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was unenthusiastic because you were tripped out about your audio. No, that yeah, yeah, yeah means I'm all good. It does? Yeah. I thought you'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it means, okay, I'm good. Like I was spinning, but now everything's fine. It sounded like a spin out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nope. Okay. Now I know. Good to go. All right. Well, welcome back after that 20-hour break. We just took 20 hours off and had to get some rest and nap up real good and come back in here ready to do it all over again, and we are. 570-1949 is the number, and if you want to text us, 949Mikey at gmail.com.
Let's see. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of The Mikey Show. Had to stretch my t-shirt out before I put it on today, which is a sign. You know, always a sign. And if you're chubby, you know exactly how to do the t-shirt stretch. You put your arms in and shake it all about. Really? Seriously? You put your arms inside. And then you do a little, you know, you squeeze your arms out. Expand. Spread your wings. Lightly. Lightly. Lightly. Lightly. It's a safety hazard. You do it lightly. Well, yeah. Lightly. Okay. I can't do it lightly. I've got to do it with extreme prejudice. With gusto. It's extreme prejudice. You don't want to rip it, though. You don't want to. You want to get it. For me, you've got to get as close to ripping it as you can. You have to see fibers pulling apart. It's like a grandmother that got a tattoo on her lower back when she was 21. Now she's 79. And the tattoo has now stretched, you know? That's me and my t-shirts. Sexy.
I think that happens to everyone, though. Does it? Yeah, the t-shirts can shrink. Yeah, I have to stretch them out. You think Matt McConaughey gets up in the morning and has to stretch out his t-shirt? Yes, some of them, yes. Zero percent. He's wearing shirts he wore in seventh grade. True. I promise you. He's wearing ones that still say baby gap on the tag. A t-shirt can shrink. It can. They're cotton, buddy. Look at your t-shirt. They're a creatine shirt. Well, it's Jaspers. I don't know. Yeah. How dare you. Hey, when are we doing that again, by the way? What's that? The deal where we punch each other? Well, I'll do it right now. I forgot what that game was. Dead Arm Challenge. Dead Arm Challenge. We do it on Fridays usually. And what are we asking? What are the questions about? Oh, LLB comes up with them? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. And it has to do with closest without going over. Yep. So just closest, actually. There you go. 570-1949 is the number. Call us. Say hi. And 949Mikey at gmail.com. Woodsy's our sports guy. He's 35. Big Yankee fan. And...
Today is opening day. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Oh, today's Wednesday. Today's Wednesday. Woodsy, you got a new skin for the top of your computer? Yeah. An M1, when we very first started, sent me a bunch of skins, and I found them in my desk when I was cleaning it out yesterday. I go, I got to put this on. It's baseball season. I didn't even know what a skin for your computer was. Me neither. They're rad. Is it magnetic? No, it sticks. It's like a sticker. Yeah, but it'll come off easy if you want to remove them. But skins are great. They can go on your phone. They go on your computer. And really cool. Lauren O'Brien has got some sort of a pashmina going on today. It's really cute. Nice usage. And she is 30 years of age, blonde hair, blue eyes, and likes black guys. So that's all you need to know. That's really all you need to know. Let's see. Sienna is our news girl. She's 25, occasionally designs her own jewelry. I do. As a hobby. This bracelet I did. She's from La Jolla, and she is our friend. Across from us, through glass, is Jay, ladies and gentlemen. Can I tell you something interesting about Sienna, how sweet she is? Yeah. She offered to watch my dogs for about 30 minutes today. All five of them. All five of them. Yeah. I said they could come to my house.
Take care of them for half an hour. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Isn't that rad? Did you take her up on it? I think I'm going to. It's nice. Yep. Why? Because they're moving all your stuff out? They are showing our house today, and I have to get a tuxedo today for this thing I'm doing Saturday. So it's just crazy. I got to pick them up, bring them to Sienna's, go get my tux, pick them up again, take them home. Yeah. And I didn't have anything to do with them. And Sienna goes, I'll take them. Five dogs and a baby. Six dogs. Six dogs and a baby. It'll be a great afternoon. You can drop them off my backyard if you want, Woods. Oh, boy. I'll probably kill them. Bear's got to eat. That's his dog, Bear. That's Jay. I don't even have to describe Jay to you. That says it all, doesn't it? He's just a callous. Callous, out there kind of guy. Just powerful. He's powerful, he's callous, and he's also sometimes will say things that are a little overstepping his boundaries. Over the lines. Over everybody's boundaries. Sometimes. All the time. That's not true. And I give him a look that says, please don't do that anymore. And then he does it again. He hides behind the microphone. I hide behind the microphone. Our phone screener is Krauss. It's Krauss! Chris is 23. So an M1, by the way, is the listening audience. You're an M1 if you are fanatical about the show, spread the word about the show. You're telling all of your friends about the Mikey Show. And, you know, you're part of M1 Nation.
And you're so into it that you go to BeDifferentPack.org and you get yourself a wristband and you wear one. You are so into it that you have decided that it's time for you to move. Just because we're just decided it's time to move. You are so into it that you've moved to La Jolla because that's where Sienna grew up. You're so into it that you come to my house on Friday and help me make some runs. That's right. You're so into it that you... go to Yum Yum Donuts, pick up Rainbow Sprinkle Donut Holes, and you bring them to me because you know that there's no donut shops in the Hoyas. So much. You purposefully, if you're a girl, you purposefully pass up on the opportunity to date guys that have any job other than playing music at senior citizens' homes. That's right. Because BFMC, the boyfriend Matt Commerce of L.O.B. Or you also... let me live vicariously through you, and you date a black guy. Yes, yes. Just so you can share your stories. Just so you can be vicariously through her. And M1 gets her thong on. See, that's what I was saying about Jay. Remember when I was saying that a couple of minutes ago? Just gets it on. Never talked about thongs. Not an M1, really, necessarily. I've never really gotten my thong on. Never. Haven't you?
Defense to Jay. Have to die, I guess. See? Maybe my favorite thing in the world is happening at 7.30. Oh, okay. Jay's the old man who does acting. Agreed. He's the old man with the poetry. Yeah. He's so good he's on the money. An actor with ability. Hell yeah. He blinded me with acting, but he failed to pronounce clearly. So that is coming up at 7.30. Do we know what movie he's doing? We do. Mike and I spent a little time on it yesterday, and let me just say that without giving it away, it's going to be dynamite. Gosh. It's going to be dynamite. Well, let me just say this. The key word is challenge.
Challenge. Jay's acting challenge. You have my husband to thank for this one, Jay. Yep. This is his idea. Oh, great. Oh, my gosh. That's real nice. And when Sienna told me, I go, oh, yeah. It was like, why didn't I? That's brilliant. Yeah. So Jay. See, occasionally Jay will flub his words. That's why we do Jay's acting challenge. It's fun. By occasionally, you mean all the time. Yeah. Right. All the time. Jay is also paying off his bet from yesterday. Boy, oh boy. And he's going out dressed as a hayseed. Ooh, big day. This morning at 8. Big Jay Day. Wow. The word of the day is sombrero. So if I say sombrero, between now and 10 o'clock, Caller 9 wins a four-pack of tickets to the Good Guys Car Show and $40 worth of Dave and Buster's power cards. There has been an arrest. Yeah. Good. In the Carlsbad stabbing. Yeah, if you haven't heard about this, it's a sad story. Devin Allen, 27-year-old man from Oceanside, passed away on Friday evening, 1030. He was leaving Hensley's, which is a bar in Carlsbad, and was approached by a group of guys and stabbed. He was...
Taken to the hospital where he was pronounced dead at the Palomar Medical Center in Escondido. And just so sad. So people have been asking for help. His father has been asking for help. Gave a reward. Gave a reward. $3,000 reward to anyone who has any idea what happened or who these men were. And a man was arrested. Juan Roca, 20 years old, was arrested at a Greyhound Depot in Indianapolis. So he was getting off this bus. Yeah, at about 2.30 a.m. yesterday. It's amazing. how police uh investigators work you know they say the first 48 hours the most important if they can get you in the first 48 it's the best odds after 48 hours the odds of them finding the person drops significantly and so uh it's just amazing how they were able to put together eyewitness testimony the stuff they found there all that evidence and link it to this one dude uh and then not only link it to him but have the wherewithal to find him Intercept him. Intercept him in Indianapolis. Yeah, and tonight there is a fundraising dinner at Grubby's Diner on PCH, which is on 1034 South Coast Highway. It's from 5 to 8 for people that want to go help and give some money for all the expenses. It's crazy, but hopefully everybody can make it out to that. Very sad story, though, but at least they've arrested somebody. Brock Lesnar in the news.
UFC fighter, heavyweight, who's had his issues with illness and everything else. Yeah, he was on ESPN yesterday. And for those of you that don't know, his last fight was not a good one. He got pummeled by Cain Velasquez. I watched some of the highlights this morning, I guess lowlights, for Brock Lesnar. And he got pummeled. He was in a fetal position. And blood just everywhere. And they thought that he was going to dominate. Well, a lot of people thought that he would dominate that fight. And looked at... Brock Lesnar is, well, who can beat this guy? Yeah, and so they were asking him, do you think that you're going to retire? I haven't yet. When I can wake up and look at myself in the mirror and say, if I'm feeling it in here still, this is my home. In the octagon is where I feel like this is what's meant to be. There's going to be all kinds of people out there saying what they want to say about me, but at the end of the day... I'm happy at doing what I'm doing, and that's being an ultimate fighter. Truly the only thing that separates Brock and I is that he feels at home in the octagon, and I don't. Right. But other than that, he and I are virtually identical in every way. Sound alike. Act alike. Act alike. You know, built alike. Very similar. Similar interests. Similar interests. You know, same weight, certainly. It's just I'm a bit shorter.
About a foot and a half. About a foot and a half. Same weight, though. But anyway, Brock says that he's not done. He's having a good time, and so why should he go? It looked like a good time. Yeah. Well, it did not. You're right. It did look like a beatdown, but... It certainly did. He enjoys the sport, you know? Chris Brown has got a new album out. Yes. Came out last week. And... He was promoting it on Good Morning America when he flipped out and threw something through a window, right? Yeah. But now he's decided, hey, I'm still going to do some publicity. Last night he sang Yeah 3X. Is that the name of the song? Yeah 3X? He sang Yeah 3X and another song called Forever on Dancing with the Clowns. Now, do you know either song, Sienna? No. Which one's better?
I know Forever. Of course. Forever is an older one. Yeah, that was the one where those people danced down the aisle to the wedding song. It's a big YouTube video. It's a good song. Which one should I play? That one? Play Forever. People will recognize it. He performed it last night on Dancing with the Clowns. Stars. Stars. Woods, did you see the YouTube video where the people danced? Yeah. I thought it was incredible. It was really good. Yeah. For somebody else. If they did it at my wedding, I would have vomited. I would never do it. I would never in a million years do it. You would? Yeah. Well, if somebody asked me, hey, we're going to do this at my wedding, I'd be like, I'm out of town that weekend. I really can't make it. It's awesome. There's no way. It's so fun. Oh, I would not want to take part in it. No. Oh, no. You guys are cringes. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to dance. Just do whatever is comfortable for you.
The big one that I... The cha-cha. Yeah. I liked watching it, but I would not want... If my friend... L.O.B., if you got married and you were like, so Mike, here's the plan. You would never do it. You would do it. If you can walk, you can dance. Can you? It's hilarious. Oh, I love it. I just would never do it. But even if you were the worst, people would love it and be like, woo! Yeah. Mortifying. Go, Mike! Go, Mike! Go, Mike! Go, Mike! I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. He's just doing the Macarena down the aisle. Just laughing at the short Hispanic. The short Hispanic that's up there and it talks. You do great. Sounds great. Hey, I didn't think he sounded bad. performing live. He never does. He doesn't sound bad. He's got a velvety voice. I guess the huge thing was Tom Bergeron, who's the host, was like, keep him away from me. Yeah, he has nothing to do with Chris Brown. I want nothing to do, and he said, if you want me to talk about it, it's going to be negative. Wow. That's suspect to me. Yeah, it was weird. To me, that's suspect. Yeah. I think that's odd. You know, I think, personally,
If anybody jumps up and down, like I jump up and down about divorce, I got to be careful to never divorce Rebecca. Yeah. Because I jump up and down about it. Okay? Usually, if somebody's jumping up and down about something too much, I'm a little like, why are you so into it? Maybe he knows somebody or grew up around a woman that was abused, and maybe he just... has no tolerance for people like that. Yeah. I think it's weird that he said something on the air, though. Did he say it on the air? He actually read the statement. He made a statement and then read it. What? Yeah. On the air? That's the way I saw it. It was a news clip. And it was just very strange the way he worded it. It almost looked like he was going to get more exposure for himself. He was like, hey, look, I'm saying this, and I want you guys to really promote it. Really? That's the way it seemed to me. Well, I don't have any of that, and we'll try to find that because that sounds really interesting. Cheryl Burke, though, is one of the professional dancers. No, she's Cheryl Burke? Yeah, she's a professional dancer. She apparently wasn't stoked that they had Chris Brown on the show. Well, for me, as a victim of domestic violence, I don't agree with him coming on the show, but it's out of my control. Wow. Well, again, you know.
No one in the world is down with what he did. But I'm a big proponent of second chances. And until he does it again. What about third chances? Has he done it? No. Good morning America? Freak out bit? Yeah. I mean, if he hits a woman. Oh, okay. Yeah. If he hits a woman. Because we all make mistakes. Sure. And we make different kinds of mistakes. I've made different kinds of mistakes. Me too. And so, you know, he does it again. And on the road to recovery, you can make other mistakes, too. I mean, breaking a window is not as bad as hitting a woman. I mean, it's bad. He freaked out. He's clearly got anger issues. I mean, I hope he's trying to get better. Yeah. But anyway, yeah, so she wasn't down with it. And I can understand. She was a victim of domestic abuse. Yeah. So she wasn't down with it. Last night was the elimination round on Dancing with the Stars. The first elimination round, which is always the biggest one because you're like, OK, who's the worst dancer on the show? Who's the one that gets the boot first? And this is the 12th season. And it was Mike Catherwood, who is the Loveline host. He's the Loveline host in L.A. Oh, the radio guy. Yeah, he's a super cute guy. Really?
Not cute enough, apparently, because he was voted off. Cute like as in personality? No, he's a good-looking guy. Oh, good-looking guy. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Do the viewers vote people off? Yeah. Like American Idol. The judges, they rate them, and he got the lowest scores. And so the listeners, you know, viewers go off on what the judges say for the most part. So he was voted off. Also in the bottom three was Sugar Ray Leonard and Wendy Williams, who is the – she's a talk show host. She's the worst dancer I've ever seen. Oh, wow. I can't tell a bad answer. I can't either. I can't either. If they can do anything, I'm like, oh, good. The best ones on the show so far, and you're going to be surprised by this, Ralph Macchio, the karate kid, got the highest score. Wax on. Yeah. Kirstie Alley, doing great. Really? Yes. So likable, too. Because she talks about, like, okay, I lost five pounds this week. I just need to stay on for this long, and I'll lose 40 pounds, you know. Now, some people's likable. Some people's likable.
Is another person annoying? You're right. Yeah, she's a little annoying. She's annoying. At the end of her dance, she full-on lip-locked her. Yeah, they kissed. She just grabbed her. Moxum, whatever his name is. She didn't eat his face. I heard she ate his face. It was a tiny little peck, and he went in for the kiss. I heard she's already digested it. I heard she got the chin and the cheek. She looks better. I heard the guy looks like a skeleton right now. What would she do for a Klondike bar? That's right. Also in the top is Heinz Ward, Steelers player. He's good. I was wondering. Let's see. M1 Camp from Oceanside. Are you there? Yeah, what's going on? What's up? Chris Brown performing on Dancing with the Stars was like an apology for his freak out on Good Morning America since they're all ABC. Now, walk that through for me. Well, Chris Brown freaks out on Good Morning America. Yeah. And either his people or ABC's people feel like, well, maybe that wasn't planned or maybe we stepped...
So Chris Brown maybe agreeing to do Dancing with the Stars, sort of like his apology. Oh, like a peace offering. Like, hey, ABC, I'm okay with you. I'll go back on your network. Yeah, I could see that. I think it was more an opportunity for him, though. He's promoting his record. I mean, I think they don't owe him one. He owes them one, right? He feels they do because he feels that they had agreed to not talk about things that they talked about. But to appear in prime time on one of the most watched shows. I don't think he's doing anything. He's like, okay, I'll do it. Hey, listen. I'll be honest with you. I'll go on a show that will sell millions of records for me tomorrow morning. Y'all ain't gonna hurt my feelings. If you want me up there. You guys know American Idol too? I'll do that. Okay, fine. Radiation apparently is rising in the seawater around the Japanese nuclear power plant. Isn't that nice to know? How much? Do you really want to know? I want to know if it's a lot, if it's a little bit, because, you know, it's going to get here, right? Well, as of this morning, radiation has spiked to its highest level yet in the ocean off the coast of the Japanese nuclear plant. Oh, no. What? 3,355 times.
The legal limit. Oh my gosh. Again, 3,355 times the legal limit. Oh my gosh. It's frightening. I love the terminology they're using. They're calling it grave. Grave? The situation is grave. It's a grave situation. Grave danger. The U.S. has said they'll be sending radiation-detecting robots to help explore the reactor cores and the spent fuel poles and stuff like that. They're trying to help. But, I mean, 3,355 times the legal limit. That's the sound of a robot sort of exploring the air and just making sure everything's okay. Now, what will oftentimes happen is that the United States Navy will go out and they will deploy the vehicle or the robot. And then it takes time because it has thousands of miles of ocean to explore. But eventually, it's able to do its job, which is good. Yes.
While we're talking about Japan and how awful the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant situation is, the utility that owns it, owns the plant, the president has been hospitalized due to, quote, fatigue and stress. I don't blame him. I bet that guy is not sleeping at all. No, I know. You get to a point where your body gives out, and I bet that dude is just awake doing everything. He can't sleep. Yeah, president. Masataka Shimizu. Very good. Thank you. Was hospitalized yesterday and they're saying he's expected to remain in treatment at the hospital for several more days. I pray for Japan. Yes. Me too. Very much. I feel so terrible for everyone. Just everybody. Oh, it's just terrible. So, oops. Yesterday, Britney Spears goes on Good Morning America and she performs and does her thing and then she makes this big announcement. The announcement is I'm going to tour. And not only am I touring, I'm touring with this person who later in the day backed out of the tour. And we'll play you the clip of her announcement and then tell you who backed out next. I love this man. Ladies and gentlemen, Lou Bush. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Lou Bush stops by and brings.
Some barbecued food. Let me tell you, and I say this and I don't want to offend any barbecue places out there because I love a lot of barbecue places here in San Diego. San Diego's got good barbecue. Just a personal preference. Lou Bush, on a scale of 1 to 10, for me, his barbecue is about a 15. It is... It's easily the best barbecue that I've ever had in my life. It's so smoky and delicious. Melts in your mouth. Are you talking about Lou Bush or the barbecue? Oh, wow. Thank you, Mikey. I do appreciate that. Good morning, everyone. Lou, it's just so good. Good morning, dude. It's so good. It's good to see you. Good to see you, bro. How's things? Things are good. You look good, dude. You got a beard and everything. I'm grown up. It looks good. I thought it was time to grow up finally. It looks really good. Thank you. It looks sharp. I like you go with the V-neck tee like the kid here. Nothing like you. Fair enough. Anyway, he's in shape. I noticed you're still really tall. Yes. Thank you. She's still very African-American. I noticed you're still black. I like it. I love the love in the room. Welcome back. 5701949 is the number. Lou's hanging out with us. And if you didn't know...
Lou Bush played for the Chargers and played on the Super Bowl Charger team back in 92. No, 93, 94. 93. 93. And has some amazing stories about that. And he has stories about Ryan Leaf. He was there during that period. And so, anyway, he's hanging out with us and can talk about any of the stuff that we're talking about today. Britney Spears made news. Because she went on Good Morning America yesterday, performed, did her whole thing, and said who she's going to be on tour with. And then later in the day, that person dropped out of the tour. So we'll tell you who it is in just a minute. 7.30. Jay's acting challenge. Yes, yes, yes. Jay's acting challenge is happening at 7.30. Isn't that cool? And then after he does his acting challenge... He's going to go be a hayseed. Well, I mean, I'm just going to go somewhere. All you have to do is leave the room. His overalls are out in the common area. They are hideous. They're the ugliest things I've ever seen. I mean hideous. Stiff. Huge. Adam got me a piece of grass to hang out in my mouth. How are you both doing out there? Oh, my goodness. Wow. Oh, wow. Where did he get that?
I love it. Word of the day is sombrero. When I say sombrero, between now and 10, caller 9, Good Guys Car Show tickets, and Dave and Buster's power card. So stick around. All right, so this was from yesterday. ABC's Good Morning America. Britney Spears goes on the show, performs this, and... Her smash! Hold it against me! Ladies and gentlemen... I wonder how she looked. Great. She did? I haven't seen it, but she's looking good these days. Yeah, I think so. Oh, yeah. It's a strict diet, workout, routine. He's back. Losing their minds. They're going nuts. They're losing their minds. I wonder if some people actually lost their minds and actually ended up in a loony bin. Could have. You know, it's crazy to me how you take a...
good-looking girl who's good-looking anyway, and then you pour about $50,000 of makeup and hair and clothes and stuff, you really make somebody look great. Personal training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, so she does that. She goes on. She does the performance. It's great. And then she makes an announcement. And it's kind of a coup, you know, because they're getting the exclusive on Good Morning America. She says this. So we hear that you have a special announcement, Ms. Spears. What is it? We're going on tour with Enrique Iglesias in June. Can we handle all that? Yes, we can have fun. Well, maybe not. Enrique, later in the day, said, yeah, not that. I'm not going to sign that. No, I'm out. Should have gotten the signature before. Is he really a pool? I mean, is that a good thing? A pool? A pool? He is not a swimming pool. He is, in fact, a... He's a human male. He's a... P-U-L-L. Oh, pole. Oh, pole. Oh, pole. Pole. Pole. That wasn't even close to pole. Yeah, listen. He had to listen. He is. I think Enrique Iglesias is popular. Yeah. You know? With the fellas. Oh, well. No, there's a huge Hispanic population that loves him. I miss this mole. Holy moly. I miss the mole.
You what? I miss his mole. You miss his mole? Did he get rid of it? Yeah. I didn't know. No, he's not. You miss his mole? Yeah, it was his little trademark. Yeah, that's true. Well, he's done. Let's see. She also performed her song Big Fat Bass and Till the World Ends. No, Big Fat Bass. Oh. Not face. My nickname. BFF. Oh, that whole B. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. So, as you know, L.O.B. is a very kind-hearted, gentle soul. Yes. And she did something yesterday that she thought made her a monster. Now, you can call 570-1949 after you hear this story and tell me what you think. I heard the story. She told me. I go, listen, I support you. I don't think you're a monster. She went. To have a meal at Chipotle with her BFMC, her boyfriend, Matt Commerce. And they go in there. And when she first gets to the restaurant, there's not very many people there. And so her and BFMC take a seat at a booth. What, Woods? What? You got to look. Yeah, before you ordered?
No, no, no. Okay. Yeah, we sat down with it. Okay, gotcha. Sat down at a booth. Got all cozy. Got all cozy. Now, she hasn't been able to spend a lot of time with him lately. Right. He's got a friend in town and stuff, and so he's been visiting with a friend, and so she's really kind of enjoying this time that she's spending with him. A beautiful lunch with your lover. Yes, lovely. That's right. Your lover. With your lover. And so as they're sitting there in the booth, the place starts to fill up. And I mean... Felt like capacity. Yeah. So at the point where there's no more seats. Which is always how it is at Chipotle. Yeah. Always. Well, the reason that she believes that she's a monster is because she noticed it happening and she could have made the decision to get up with her BFMC. We were finished eating. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Now I feel like Dateline NBC and I want to go. Oh, well, I didn't know that. There was still food in front of me because I didn't finish mine. So someone could have looked over and thought, oh, she's still working on that. But really, I knew I was done. I was full. And you guys just like hung out at the booth? Yeah, not for too long, but long enough that I was like, we should probably get up.
But didn't you think as you were sitting there in the booth that there were people that wanted to sit down and enjoy their meal? Now granted, there was nobody standing with their food like, where do I go? But the line, you could do a mental count and realize there soon was not going to be enough seats for everybody that was in there. And you were done eating? I was done. There was still food in front of me, but I was finished. So you knowingly... Sat there watching people scurry about trying to find a place to sit. After all, I mean, when senior citizens arrived. It was like a college crowd slash lunch break. I see. Young professionals. You mean so as young people who are struggling just to be able to afford to come to Chipotle because of college. As they are scurrying about. Tight budget. Schedule. Budget. Schedule. Schedule and budget. Schedule. So you're telling me that as they were looking for a seat, there you sat with your BFMC, not even enjoying your food. You were far, far, far over with the food. You were just taking up a seat, enjoying the oxygen in the restaurant, just like it were any normal, not busy day. Yes, and we had a booth.
That was ample space for at least four people. I know. Just then. I know. Just then, a group of four students probably walked into the Chipotle looking for a place to sit down and enjoy their nice coquilla. With only an hour for lunch. Only an hour. We weren't there for much more than ten minutes after I was finished eating. But still, I knew what I was doing. Matt was clueless. You are, in fact. A fanged mouse. Mikey, you said you were going to have my back. I didn't know you were done eating. Well, duh. I thought you were still eating your lunch. Why would she have to get up if she's still eating? That's what I thought. Oh, well, I'll tell you. What I thought she was going with is that she's like, well, we could just go to a place where it's just me and him and finish our lunch so four people can get in. Yeah. But she didn't. Lou, do you think that she was in the wrong?
First of all, let me comment. I love this because I don't get white America like this. I'm just, it's an observation. I would have never thought of that. Me either. I would have never noticed that. Me either. I would have been like, let me eat my food and really. And honestly, I always wonder if you really want to sit down, I would be like, are you guys, can I sit here? Yeah, that's true. You know, if you have plenty of room. No, you don't. Not at somebody's room. But they would do one of two things, right? No. Or, hey, we're about to leave anyway. That sounds so uncomfortable. You would do that? It just depends. Oh, I would. Listen. No, I wouldn't. I do not have the rocks to do that. I've done it. I've done it. I wanted to do that. I've done it at like a bar and been like, if somebody is like eating and there was a two top in the bar and you're like. They're paying their check. You're like, hey, you guys taking off? And you stand right by them and wait for a seat? I've done that. So I was thinking if it got to the... Now, there was no one standing around just holding their tray like, gosh, I'm just kind of SOL right now. So if that had happened, I would have been like, look, babe, we got to go. This poor guy can't sit down. But I knew. It was filling up. At least you knew. My motto in a restaurant... It's worse that she knew if she didn't do anything. My motto in a restaurant is just eat and get out.
You want to visit, go visit outside. I like to visit. Yeah, I agree. Not at fast food. Fast food, you got to get up and get out. Just turn and burn. But Chipotle is not fast food. Yes, technically. When I go into a place, even like Chipotle, and I sit down, I sort of think of it as this is my space. Until I am done occupying it. That's what I kind of believed because I started to go through the rationale. Matt's like talking and in my head I'm rationalizing like we probably should get out because I know I'm not going to take another bite of that. But I'm enjoying visiting and I'm a paying customer just like anybody else. It's different because this is not like a restaurant restaurant. There's no waiters. There's no waiting around for them to bring you the check. You've already paid. You've already done all of that. You have no excuse. Get up and go. We're visiting. How long did you visit? About 10 minutes after I finished eating. Did you ride there together? No. Was Matt still eating? No, he was picking at mine, though. So you were both done. He'll pick at things that are in front of him. So it looked like maybe we were still eating. So that was the rationale in my head. Well, look, if anybody asks us, hey, are you guys done, then I'll get up. I see why, though. If you didn't drive together, then you guys were not going home together. Right.
What do you think, Glenn? So how long was the entire... We were probably sitting for about 25 minutes. So total? Yeah. Eating, talking? Uh-huh. Once again, I have no clue what you're talking about. I would have been like, who notices that? I don't either. I would have just... I'm sorry. I'd notice. I used to wait tables. So I think as a waitress, I used to be like, get up. There's people waiting to... But you've already... The key part here is you've already paid. You've already paid. The restaurant's paid. The restaurant could care less. Yeah. Okay, all right, let me ask you this. That's not true. Let me ask you this. They're trying to turn tables. You go in for lunch. You go in for lunch, and you eat your lunch, but you're reading the paper. Because I'll often go to, like I went to Rubio's yesterday, brought the paper in. There was nobody in there. So I just chilled, had some fish tacos, and read the paper. If it's busy, I paid. Can I just sit and read the paper? In my opinion, you know, you're... you're enjoying yourself. It's happy birthday for you. See, I don't think of it as happy birthday. Isn't it thinking of other people knowing, oh my gosh, this place is filling up. I should probably beat it because I'm done. Yeah, the table's provided for you to eat, not to socialize. They want you to come in and go. You went there with the intent of, I get an hour-long break. I'm like a lone wolf here, and I want to go, and I want to read the paper. I'm going to have a nice, enjoyable lunch. You can't help it that it filled up. But if I was done with my Big Mac and fries and vanilla shake and six-piece nuggets and... Six.
12-piece nuggets. If I was done and I looked around, I was like, holy crap, this place is packed. And I'm sitting there reading the paper. I'd be like, I got to go. I got to go. I would freak out. Mom holding her child at a plate trying to sit down. Some old man. Now, if that had happened. Wife just died, you know. If that had happened, I definitely would have gotten up. But it was getting to the point where there was soon going to be a situation. M1 Dodgeball from Mira Mesa. What do you think? I have a tendency to take a long time when I'm in a restaurant, me and my girlfriend, sitting and conversating and just enjoying each other's company. But when you're in a fast food, I think it's time that you eat and you go. But Chipotle's not really fast food. It's kind of middle food. It's like fast casual. Yeah. Fast casual. It's good food fresh. And I think, quickly, you're allowed to sit there and enjoy yourself. And I think to myself, if I, but you know me, I'm a guilt-ridden person in general. And so I think that if I come into a place and somebody is sitting there enjoying themselves, I don't want to bother them. I don't think to myself, happy birthday, pal. I don't think to myself, you should be gone. You should be conscious of other people, though, too. If you're done eating, I mean, you look around and if it's packed, I'm not saying in your situation. I'm saying if it was really packed and you're done eating, at some point you've got to be like, I'm sure other people want to sit. I have to know.
And yesterday, Woods was kind of, you know, in this turmoil because he had Packers coming over to the house. Yeah, first time. And you were really in this internal struggle because you were wondering, is it rude if I get there and tell them, hey guys, go ahead and pack everything up and I'm going to go upstairs and take it to the house. Take a little nap. Grab 40 winks. What did you end up doing? I got home, and my wife came home for a little bit, and I said, I can't do it. I can't go up and nap. So I went into my office, and I raised the shades so if they needed me, they could talk to me through the glass, and I worked. I set up all of our utilities at our new place. I switched them. I turned all of them off at this place. I went in and TCB'd.
Yeah. Like a mofo yesterday. I took care of business. Didn't it feel good? It really did. To know that you were available to them and not being selfish. And my wife didn't have to do it, and I wish that I got some gratitude for that, but I did not. She's busy, I'm sure. She appreciates it. Absolutely. It'll come to you. It'd be nice to just get a pat on the back or something and be like, hey, thanks for... Why is it her job? To pat me on the back? No, to do it. If she did it, would you have pat her on the back? Absolutely. I would have said, babe, thanks for doing that. So I didn't have to. Didn't get any of that. Didn't get any. All I got was, I can't believe all the stuff I have to do in the next three days. And I'm like, I just paid for Packers, paying for a move, and did all our utilities. You took one for the team. Feast. You're a hero. You took one for the team. I am a hero. You're my hero. Listen, Woodsy has a very specific love language. Got none of it. He is fed. If people. Let him know that he's doing a good job. Acknowledgement. Acknowledgement. He likes acknowledgement. It means a lot to him. If you give him just a little bit of that, it's like giving him a gallon of it. It's exactly true. All I need is an attaboy. Or, babe, thank you so much for knocking. I mean, dude, it's not easy to call, wait online, do all the prompts, set up the schedule for the cable to come. It's a pain in the butt. And I did all of it. What if she was still like...
thinking about what she needed to do, and when the time came up, she was like, wait a minute. Oh my gosh, thank you for taking care of... No, never. Nothing. Even this morning, I was getting grief. I can't win. I can't do anything right. You can, and you do. I don't. I'm worthless. I'm a worthless husband. I'm a worthless employee. I'm worthless. You're getting it. Why are you looking for attention? I'm not. I'm telling you. The kid is hurting. I was hurt. He needs it. I told you this morning when I got in, I was like, oh, yeah, we got into it this morning because I didn't do enough. Your wife is stressed out. Okay. She packed up your entire house in Texas, you know, and a year ago. To move to paradise. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I gave you a death sentence of moving to San Diego. My bad. I'm going to allow you to vent because I understand you better. I'm hurt. You're hurt. Your wife is listening right now. Yeah, she's probably listening. I'm hurt. This is not fair. I am hurt. It's okay. I have something for you. Thank you. What is that? It's a little note. It says, attaboy.
That's for him to have. Thanks. I'm going to put that in my wallet. Put it in your pocket. You look like you need a hug. A little appreciation and less of, well, you still need to do this, this, this, and this would have been nice for me because I locked myself in my office. I got all the bills. I set us up with a tax appointment to get our taxes done. I got all her stuff. I did everything. And I got... No credit. Zero. I understand. Now, Sienna. I want Jamie to defend herself. I know. Get her on the phone. But wait a second. But wait a second, Sienna. It is fair. But wait a second. When the kid is right, the kid deserves to hear that he's right. Now, hang on. Because Sienna looks like she's ready to chew my face off. You know we're having dinner with Jamie this Friday. You know, I feel for her. I'm mad. I do, too. I do, too. But you have to acknowledge when he's hurt. He's hurt. And from his point of view, it sounds like Jamie should have said, thanks, babe. That was so sweet of you. But you know what? I just know Jamie and their situation. And she's doing a million other things. And so it's not fair to only hear his side. Even if she's not doing a million other things, I think that this plays into it, too. This does in my marriage, too. And I'm going to tell you, I'm going to try to make it easier for you to understand why Jamie's where Jamie's at. Because I do this in my marriage. So I'm going to project.
Project away. I'll project. Sometimes when you do a lot of something, you feel like you can get a break in not doing other stuff because you pick up the piece. Yeah, yeah. You pick up the slack in one certain area and you've picked up the slack in one certain area. Perfect example. I'm reading that book from Sammy Hagar right now. His biography, his autobiography. And he talks about for a whole year. His first wife was going crazy. Yeah. And she was like in the fetal position. And he said for a year he nursed her and he like for a year. And he said that the band wanted him. Van Halen wanted him to go back in the studio and they wanted to go on tour. And he was like, I can't. And he had to just stay with us. And he was resentful because he's like feeding her and doing all this stuff. And so when she got better.
He was like, I'm done. And the reason was because he had done so much that he was like, hey, listen, now it's my turn. And when he didn't get his my turn, he was very angry. Yes. And anger is hurt, sad is fear. He was hurt. Well, I'm hurt. I'm hurt because the reason I'm hurt is. I really did a lot yesterday. And I mean, I had a stack of paperwork I had to get through and change and cancel and get the final bill, set up our tax appointment to get our taxes done that I'm handling, get all the receipts, get everything. Todd just said that for us yesterday, too. And did you say thanks, babe? That was nice. I did. Exactly. That's all I asked for. I didn't ask for a dinner made. Now, she may have not said thank you because there's a lot of stuff that she's done. Yeah. I always say thank you for the cleaning the house or doing my shirts. I wore this one yesterday, by the way. But she may say you don't always say thank you because I guarantee she's aware of things that you're not. Dude, my wife takes such good care of me that, believe me, I tell her. And I get her flowers and she knows that. I'm really mad today. I'm hurt. I know, but we need to get her on the phone so that you guys can make up. You don't want her on the phone. No, you don't want her on the phone. Trust me. Let them make up in private. Yeah.
If we don't want her on the phone, then maybe you shouldn't have said it. I don't care. You can get her on the phone. I'm going to go to the bathroom. You guys can talk to her. I'm upset. We deserve to hear her point of view. She deserves to give her point of view. We got into it again this morning. She's not going to want to come on the air. She's not going to want to. I want her to be able to defend herself. Let's get her. You can't be in the room. I'm going to love on her and you can't be in the room. I've got a number with. All right. You got it? I know you do. We'll be back. Oh, my gosh. I have not heard that for a while. Did you just drink my water? Oh, I thought you brought it for me, bro. I'm going to go get my water. Thanks. Good. Good. Because when he leaves the room, when he leaves the room, I have to say that. He's a dead man. Well, he's a dead man. And I feel bad for Jamie. And I want to be able to give her the opportunity to. It's one-sided. I'm not saying it's a one-sided fight. I'm saying it's a one-sided chance. And regardless of who's right and wrong.
You know, she didn't get a chance to. Oh, she had a chance. She didn't want to come on the air. I don't blame her either. I don't blame her. Welcome to the Woods program. Her job is not on the radio. That is true. She'd be more uncomfortable than you. Mine is. Mine is on the radio. My job is on the radio. That's my job. I'm on the radio. That's my job. It's getting deep in here. You ever get stressed when you move? I'm hot. I know. I said that when we were off the air. And I also said to Lou. Lou Bush is in the studio. And I said to Lou. I go, well, there's two main points. One is Lou is the man that turned me on to the book Love and Respect. The greatest book. Great book. The greatest book when it comes to marriage. Understanding the cycle. Understanding the cycle. Understanding her cycle. Not our cycle as in a woman. Don't ask a woman. But you know what? There should be a book on that, though. You guys wouldn't read it, though. You guys wouldn't endorse that. Now. That was the one thing I said. And then the other thing that I said was that moving is so stressful. Oh, yeah. I think it falls under like the loss of a child. I think after that is moving. Been there too. Yeah. You guys have had a rough one. Yeah. So it's, you know. Yeah.
You have. It's only normal until we get in little tiffs. Let me just jump out that window. Stop it. Stop. I hate moving so much. Moving is the worst. I will help you guys move this weekend. No, we don't need help moving. But I'll offer because it's a beating. No, no, we don't need. I'll make you some food. I feel bad for you guys. It's your birthday this weekend, Tina. Bring you some food. It's your birthday. Yeah, I know. Happy birthday. I'll offer as well. Happy birthday, Shanna. I'll help you move. Woods desperately needs a couple things. If there is somebody in the listening audience that does massage, we need to turn on the spa music and we have to give Woods a massage to calm you down. Can I request something else? Sure. Quaaludes. If anybody has any Quaaludes, those would really... Perhaps a loaded gun. No. Maybe a Quaalude or two. Stop it. Jay, can I get some Quaalude? You love talking about Quaalude. Well, first one's free, but. Sit down on the floor, Woods, and get in meditating. Listen, honey, I'm sorry. I love you. I love you, and I'm sorry. It's too late. She's not listening to me. Oh, yeah. She's furious. She's got Jeff and Jer on. 100%. Turn your palms up. Yes. Get in. This is what I want you to do, okay? I will help you. I want you to get in.
The cross-legged position. Okay. Okay. We call this the mantis. Okay. All right. Get in that position. Oh. Oh. What? Really? Yeah. Let's try it. You know he can't cross his legs. Oh, wow. You are now in the mantis position. All right. I want you to put your hands together as if you are in the prey position. Okay. Now, I want you to lower your hands to crotch. No, no, no. Don't grab, Raj. Don't grab. No. You'll breathe in through the nose, out of the mouth. He's dipping his mouth. Into the nose, out of the mouth. Very good. Now, I am going to very lightly sing for you, okay? Namaste. I am going to sing for you, We Will Rock You by Queen. Okay. Let's relax. You think it'll help? I feel better. Do you? Not done.
Buddy a young man Hard one Shedding in the streets Gonna take on the world Someday you got Blood on your face You big disgrace Waving your banner All over the place We will We will Rock you Here we go Singing Yes We will We will Rock you I feel better Thank you You feel great Yeah there you go Make you feel better I feel That does make you feel better I feel much better Somebody needs to bring him some donuts That will make him feel real good. And a quaalude. Nice eclair. With quaaludes in it. Envision that. Would it make you feel better if I put my poncho and my sombrero on and I play you a, like if I play you some sort of a mariachi music? You know that. Will you please do the Mexican hat dance as well? Mikey. I just call it dancing. Yeah, a celebration.
Don't forget Jay's acting challenge at 7.30. You know what? We shouldn't do it just because this is so important. We're fine. Helping you move forward. That will help Woods. Oh, it will help me. Because it's laughter. It's the best form of medicine. The laughter is the best form of medicine. We need that for you. We need a massage. A person can come in and do the massage on your neck and your shoulders. Don't forget to do me after. And me after Sienna. I would never forget that, Sienna. Okay. Wow. Did I hear you say that? Jay is Bill. We know Jay. Producer. I'll produce something for you. Just talk about producing. What about reproducing? I think he calls me that. Feels real good. Did you say something about, do you? Don't forget. You know, Shanna, I can think of a couple of reasons that I would like to see you. Do you get it? I would like to see Anna you. 570-1949. Mikey Show, who is this? And what was the word of the day?
That is correct, sir. You just won yourself a four-pack of tickets to the Good Guys Car Show and a $40 gift card for Dave and Buster's power card that you can use there. So hang on the line, okay? You got it. Hang on the line. And then Jay's going to be putting on his overalls to do the Hayseed payoff at 8 o'clock. So that should be a lot of fun. That would be so great. I know it. I know it. I can't wait. Grass sticking out of his mouth. Holy cow. Not pot. Should I tell you my story? Yes, I've been waiting. Okay. So, as you know, very soon we're going to be taking a vacation and my wife and I have had to go get, you know, swim trunks, swim stuff, you know, all these kinds of things, you know. To prepare, yeah. To prepare. You ran out of it since the last time you went on vacation? No L.O.B. Oh, wow. You just like to have fresh dance? No L.O.B. Nice. I've put on a couple of pounds, and so I, you know, had to go get, I've got to get some new stuff. Oh, wow. And so, anyway, in addition to that. It's, no.
Well, you know, it's not just that. It's okay. It's nice to have fresh stuff. You want to get fresh stuff anyway. I get it. If you're going on vacation, you want to get a couple new Tommy Bahama shorts, a couple new Tommy Bahama flip-flops, shirts. Maybe some zinc for your nose. Zinc for your nose. They make some new Tommy Bahama shades now. Real nice. I don't wear Tommy Bahama. Yes, you do, but it's fine. You do. You have Tommy Bahama right now. I only have one shirt. You just got one of your glasses engraved at Tommy Bahama that says TB. TB. Even your socks are Tommy Bahama. It's like, where do you even find that? You were listening to Cheeseburger in Paradise this morning when you started doing your work. Okay. I didn't know that Tommy Bahama made deodorant. I guess now I know. Do you want to hear this? Yes, we do. It just gets better. I really hope that my wife is not listening. I was hoping that about five minutes ago when I was talking, so good luck. Speaking of dead man. Speaking of dead man. Yeah, speaking of dead man. Well, this is going to make her mad at me. This is not me, you know, like. Oh, she's mad at me already. I know. Okay, so. You guys just, you know, you're both in trouble. Let's just. Yeah. Dog out. Dog out. Dog out. Now, for those of you that are new listening to this show, I get an allowance. Okay? That's interesting. Now, my wife.
is a stay-at-home mom, works a billion times harder than me, and I mean it, because when I have to watch the kids, I feel like I'm going to die. And so coming here, yeah, there's three. We have a four-year-old and twins that are a year and a half. And when I get to be here at the radio station, this isn't work. This is not work. This is play. And my wife, she actually has to work. She does the stuff with the kids, and she does all this stuff. Now, we're very different in that she's a saver. You know, she saves. She's very responsible with money. I, on the other hand, am a spender. And I'm also very spontaneous. And I will make spontaneous buys. Careless, one might say. Careless, one might say. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. And so... We decided that what would be best for us to be good stewards is for me to go on allowance. Now I've got a whole separate debit card that's used for the allowance. Now I can't use it for a little bit because I decided to get an iPad and I had to borrow against it. You already had an iPad. This is the iPad 2. Another iPad 2. Had to have. This is why he's on an allowance. Eight months later.
We are going through this tiny window right now. Whenever I purchase something, I have to send my wife the receipt since she is the one that does all the books. She's the banker. She's the banker of the family. It's smart. My mom was the same way. So the subject of the email is always receipt. And then the body of the email is the price and what it was for so that she knows. We're in this very small window right now. How'd you fit in there? So deep. It's killing me. It's killing me. So deep. Oh, it hurts. It cuts so deep. Ouch. Ouch. It's funny because he's fat. Whoa. And so...
We're in this very small window right now where because we're going on vacation and we're busy, we genuinely are busy out getting things for vacation. I will write her an email and the subject line will be receipt and then the body of the email will be vacation. Yeah. And she knows that right now it doesn't need to be specific. You see, other times I'd have to put... In detail. I'd have to put, you know, bed, bath, and beyond, blah, blah, blah. Sur la tab. Sur la tab, blah, blah, blah. Tommy Bahama. Tommy Bahama. Crate and barrel. Most of the time it's Tommy Bahama. I don't wear Tommy Bahama. You just have to abbreviate it as TB now. Yeah, now it's just TB. I don't wear Tommy Bahama. It's just clothes. It says TB Sundry. TBS. So anyway. So she is accepting. She is accepting. emails right now that the body of the email say vacation. No questions asked. Only for not even a month do you get this window. Less than that. Between now and whenever we go on vacation is the time that I don't have to be in detail. Work swift my man. So the other day I send her one and it makes it past the goalie. And I don't get a question. And I go
I'm going to dip my toe again. Oh my gosh. Child. You took a cookie. I didn't know that you got away with one. Yeah, of course. You took a cookie. Mom didn't see you. But it was a small cookie. Small cookie. You took a piece of a cookie. Piece of a cookie. Mom didn't see it. It was $14. Oh. And she... Heart machine? Yes. Sienna. I know this man. She does. She does. And so got past the goalie. She didn't say a word. Imagine the subject. Fart machine. Fart machine. Remote controlled fart machine. And so it just said vacation, $14. She didn't ask. And so I went, oh. So I got an $8 item. Fake poop. True story. True story. True story. Lou right now. Where are you shopping? Lou is like... Sevenyearold.com. I sent you the link. Sienna sent me the link. We're children. And she didn't say anything. It said vacation. She didn't say anything. And I went, oh. Will you be bringing your fake poop or your fart machine on vacation? Nope. Okay. All right. So then, I signed on to America Online the other day.
American online. As my father would say, American online. And it says, new Panasonic Lumix camera hits market. And I'm like, and I instantly went to myself. I instantly said to myself, I don't need it. And the reason that I don't need it is, I have a Panasonic Lumix. It's my favorite thing, but I already got one. I don't need one. You like it so much that you told me to get it. I now have it and love it. It's only the greatest camera. It's the greatest point and shoot that exists on the market today, without a doubt. And a good price. Don't you have an iPhone, though? Yes, but an iPhone takes a good, a decent picture, a five megapixel picture. Not what he needs it for. Oh. Photography. Close up. Yeah. Action shots. He actually is publishing things like in magazines. Oh. No, he's not. I'm not. No. That's in Mexican Geographic. Oh, but he could. He frames a lot of things for his family so that he wants it to be good quality. In Tommy Bomb. No, I don't. I don't wear Tommy Bomb. He's a correspondent for Tommy Bomb. Oh, I don't do any of that. He uses it like to post pictures. I have one picture.
One picture on Facebook from a camera. So I look and then I see that it says that this revolutionary camera whitens teeth. That when you take a picture of somebody, it whitens their teeth. And not only that. So sad. Not only that. It's a fort. 13 megapixel camera. Oh, wow. Incredible. It means nothing to me. Not only that. Did he say revolutionary? Yes. Game changer. Game changer. Game changer. Game changer. It's the Kobe Bryant of point and shoots. There it is. Also, instant uploads to Facebook and YouTube. Pretty cool. Pretty cool, actually. It takes video, then, as well. High definition video, Woods. 1080? 720. And? Touch screen. And it's a touch screen. And it's very small and compact. Smaller and more compact than the last version. That is pretty cool. Which you just got like a year ago, right? Less than that. Used maybe three times. It's killing me! It's killing me! Where's your camera? I don't know.
I don't even know where it is. Okay, okay, okay. Of course I said to him, as soon as he finished giving the description, I said, you know they have an 18 megapixel, right? And his face just dropped. I'm like, nah, just kidding. But they will. But you know the web? They don't even want, I mean, you don't even load that size picture onto the web. It just doesn't do any good. Yeah, but it is clear and crisp. Oh, on the camera itself? No, no, no. Those pictures are more clear and crisp than a picture taken from an iPhone. But you're going to downsize that photo. By the time it gets down, it's going to compress down for the internet. So you're not getting the same quality. You're not getting a 14 megapixel. Oh, come on. You're getting down to like a 300 by a 600, which is nowhere near. Are you telling me that if I take a picture on a 14 megapixel camera and you take a picture on a 5 megapixel camera and we put it on Facebook, you can't tell the difference? I would go for that challenge. Oh, I'll take that Pepsi challenge. No, not 5 megapixel. That's what iPhone is. Yeah. And I think it's a higher megapixel. But I think if you had like a... 12. Are you guys speaking English? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what did you do? So, anyway. Yeah. I send my wife an email that says receipt. Because you had to have it. So, you bought it. And inside the body of it, it said, vacation, $200. That's how much it cost? That's a good deal. Oh, yeah. You may have just sold me.
And it got past the goalie. What? Now, wait a minute. We're sitting in bed. And she's got her laptop in front of her, which always makes my heart go boom, boom, boom. And I'm kind of taking a look at what she's doing. And then she gets this basket. And the basket's bad because the basket has bills. And she takes those out. Oh, God. And then she says, hey, can I get your receipts? And I go, uh-huh. So I get my wallet. I give her my receipts. She's got them in front. And then she does what I dread. And every time I see it, I know it's not going to be good. She opens Excel. And I know what Excel means. Excel means it's time. It's time basically to take inventory. Review. Review. Yeah. See everything in its entirety. Yes. Firing squad. Oh, no. And so she says to me, and I'm, and I, and I, and I.
And I'm looking at the TV like, oh, wow, am I into this? Yeah. I'm into this show so much. This commercial is good. Babe, look at this. Wow. Riveting. And she goes, hey, babe, you sent me an email the other day that says vacation. Oh, God. Oh, no. $200. And inside my head, I went, think fast, think fast, think fast, think fast, think fast, think fast. And you know what I did? What? I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I sent you another one before that. Did you get that one? That was another vacation one. That was for 30. I want to make sure you got that one, too. Oh, my God. You were, like, being overly honest. Overly. I think she appreciated it. Oh, wow. Look at him. It was just enough of a distraction. And she goes, huh? What? And I go, yeah. You know, I sent you another one, too. And it was, I want to make sure you got that one. That one was for 30.
Four, I think. And she goes, okay. Well done. Well done, young Padawa. Well played. Countermeasures. You are a crazy person. Does she know about the camera? Did she before this segment? The camera? Yesterday a package came in the mail. I intercepted it. I opened it. It was the camera. Was she anywhere near you when you opened it? Yes. I took it out of the box. I placed it out of the field of vision. I came in here this morning. I told Sienna and L.O.B. the story. Sienna secretly tape-recorded me. I did. That's the reason I'm having to reveal the story. So you could control it a little bit more. So I could control it a little bit more. Me play the audio.
Or him tell the truth. Tell the truth and come clean. I'm his work wife. She is. Work wives report to real wives. They do. That's true. Okay, this is... I know it. This is wrong. I'll get you, too. I know it. Will she notice that it's a new camera when you're taking pictures of your food in Tommy Bahama when you're on vacation? Yes. Yes, you're done. I don't wear tongue. Well, and you went for the bright gay blue color. Good choice. Oh, it's fine. What's wrong with that? We're brothers. I've always wanted a turquoise. It's not turquoise. It's teal. It's pretty. It's shimmery teal. It's pretty. It's shimmery teal. It's blue. That will definitely fly under the radar. It's a little. What are you doing with your other camera? Hey, I got a new camera. Hey, can I have your other camera? Yeah, can I have your other one? I already asked. I got dibs. Are you ask or are you ask? I got boobs. I'm going to ask you. When we come back, we'll do Jay's acting challenge. Yeah! It's next. Who's that? Jay-Z. That's Jay-Z and Beyonce. That sounds good. I love you, babe. You guys are just having a rough one. I'm having a rough one. You're both sitting on a really hot seat right now. Am I? Is my seat hot?
I feel responsible for yours, Mike. No, you're not responsible. You're not responsible. I am responsible. I forced you to say it on the air. And I'm responsible and... Sorry. You are responsible. I know who doesn't get recorded doing something bad. She's right. Person who behaves. L.O.B. is right. I know. This is a true statement. It's going to get to the point where the debit card is going to go away. Don't say that. It is. Mike, you're going to have to. You need to have it. That's making me. That's going to get me. Yeah. Don't sit him out. Don't do that. No, I'm serious. I know. But maybe you say that off the air so she doesn't hear it. And get any ideas? Thanks. I guarantee you I'm going to get an email from her going, that's the deal. That's the deal. That's a great deal. Well, if that's the case, then. My bad. You better take a lot of pictures on that trip. You better take more pictures than Ansel Adams on that trip. You better get them blown up. Poster size. You should get like a photo album made like Shutterfly or something and present it to her. Like the waterproof thing. You take underwater photos. I got this to preserve our memory. Have your brother Steve produced like a video of our memory? With music. Jimmy Buffett music behind it real good. It's all worthwhile. Babe, call in so that I know.
that you're still in love with me. Oh, boy. You can't do that. I know. I got something. That's not fair. Wait, I'm going to use something that is so not fair. Did you dare? Oh, I know what he's going to do. He's going to play the wedding song. He's going to play his wedding song. Mike! Monster! I am trying to love you. Play Woods while you're at it and Jamie's. You don't need mine. Mine's fine. Let's do a mashup of their wedding song. A mashup? Can you simultaneously play Sade by your side and Switchfoot on fire? Who is Sade's? Mine. Oh, Sade's. You know that. Yes, yes. You have the sharpest teeth I've ever seen, Mike. Sharpest? Horns. Yeah, horns. Yeah, he looks like a monster. He's a monster. He got this nice camera and all he's going to do is see the inside of a hotel room. Like where the wild things are. Exactly. He's got scales growing, tail. Mike, what's going on in here, man?
See what I'm talking about? She just rolled her eyes. No, she didn't. She threw something across the kitchen. Babe, don't roll your eyes. Her eyes are so far into her head. She just poured a glass of wine at 7.45 in the morning. I'm going to throw them back to Jack. Babe. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. Honey, Rebecca, remember what this song represents about. Mikey, I love her. If you missed, is on an allowance and he bought a camera and secretly snuck it by her. It was only $199. What are you doing? You've done enough damage. I know, but you know, someone may have turned on their radio and didn't know why Rebecca would be mad. And I'm on fire when I'm near you. I love her. She's going to light you on fire. She is so beautiful. And I'm not kidding. I love her. When you walk in, she may throw gasoline on you and light a match. Oh, my gosh. What? Please try to get her on. Oh, no. Mine's fine. Nothing's going to happen to me. You know that. Talking tough. Oh, boy. You know that. So sweet. I am uncomfortable. You know what will make everyone feel better? What? Jay's acting job. Oh, absolutely. I mean, yeah. Good idea. I'm going to get her on the phone. I can't imagine one person not laughing. Jay, get your butt in here.
Yeah, get in here. We got to put Jay right here. I'm sorry. He's the only man with the poetry. You get a load of this. He's so good he's all the money. An actor with ability. He blinded me with acting. But he felt you when I was clearly. Jay's been known to mess up his words from time to time. He said to us one time that he is an actor. He is. And that he has actually acted and that he's a good actor. He said, I may flub words from time to time, but what you guys don't know is that I can act like a madman. I'm a really good actor. Especially when I have a chance to kind of read the script over, which I don't today. If he had a chance to read his sides, he's saying, I could be good at this. Yeah, go over with my voice coach. Right, right.
Now, the movie that was suggested to us by Sienna's husband, Todd, was Good Will Hunting. Correct. Todd, I will find you. My husband's favorite movie. In this scene, the guys from Southie, Matt Damon, Affleck, they go to a bar. Their buddy Casey's bouncing up a Harvard bar. Okay? They see a couple beautiful ladies down at the end of the bar. They're going to walk down and talk to them. Yeah. So this is Chucky. which is Affleck, played by Mikey and Clock. And I'm Clock, who's the ponytail douchebag. Right. That works real well. Yeah, it does. And Jay is our protagonist, Matt Damon, as Will Hunting. Give me that. Here we go. I'll be narrating. Yes. Thanks for the shout out. Yeah, you bet. Sorry. I'll just laugh. To tell you the truth, I wasn't that much. Class was rather elementary. Elementary. I don't doubt that it was. You know, I remember that class. It was just between recess and lunch. Will and Billy come forward. Stand behind Chucky. All right. We have a problem here? There's no problem. I was just hoping you could give me some insight into the evolution of the market economy in the early colonies. My contention is that prior to the Revolutionary War, the economic modalities, especially in the southern colonies, could most aptly be characterized as agrarian, pre-capitalist, and...
Will, who at this point has migrated to Chuckie's side and is completely fed up, includes himself in the conversation. Of course that's your contention. You're a first year... You're a first year... Right out of the gate. You just finished a Marxian historian. Pete Garrison, probably. And so naturally that's your belief until next month when you get James Lennon. What? Lemon. And get convinced that Virginia and Pennsylvania were strongly... Wow. Entrepreneurian? Entrepreneurial. Look at that last letter. Capitalist back in 1740. Why are you skipping over it? I did not. Go back. I didn't. I got it. That lasts until sometime into your second year. No, no, no. Cut. Cut. That'll last until sometime in your second year when you'll be here regurgitating Gordon Wood talking about the pre-revolutionary utopia. And the capital-forming effects of military mobilization. Wow, Jay. Well, as a matter of fact, I won't, because Wood drastically underestimates the impact of... Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherent wealth. Inherited. Inherited wealth. You got that from Vickers, work in Essex County, page 421, right? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this subject, or were you just going to plagiarize...
Plagiarize the whole book for me. Clark is stunned. Plagiarize. Is that your thing? You memorize some obscure passage and use it to impress girls? Embarrass my friend? See, the sad thing about a guy like you is that 50 years from now, you'll start doing things on your own. You'll realize that there are two certainties in life. One, don't do that. And two, you dropped $150,000 on a freaking education. She could have got $50 in late charges at the public library. Cut, cut, cut. $1.50. What? All right. So start it. You dropped. Okay. And you dropped $150,000 on a freaking education you could have got for $1.50 in late charges at the public library. I will have a degree. You'll be serving my kids fries on a drive-thru on our way to a skiing trip. Maybe, but at least I won't be unoriginal. Well, wait. You're supposed to be laughing. I didn't see that. Well, maybe that... Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Maybe, but at least I won't be unoriginal. Of course, if you have a problem with that, we can just step outside and figure it out. No, man. It's cool. Is it cool? No, no, no. Oh, it's cool. Cool. James! James!
This is my least favorite thing in the world. He read through that. Plagiarized. So fast. I love it. I love the old man who does that. I did too. So much. Please try to get my wife on the phone. Are you so scared right now? I just, I want to be happy. She knows the number here, right? Chris, have we gotten any calls from her? No. Not yet. I don't think so. Oh, boy. Done, son. I know it. Done! Oh, yikes. And then Woodsy throws you under the bus. I didn't do anything. I'm just going to call you AAA. Just putting the jumper cables on everything, aren't you? No. I didn't do anything. Sienna threw him under the bus. She didn't throw me. I did. She didn't? No, she told on him. I would have told on him. You know who doesn't get tattled up? Yeah. It's not like... She wasn't going to know because I had a... Well, your bright, shiny blue camera, she would notice that. Why didn't you go with black? You like black everything. I want to know. I really do. Because I saw it, I go, wow, that's kind of a bright looking blue. She's not answering. Did you pick out the blue color? You picked it out. They sent you the wrong one, didn't they? I have Audida. Say what?
See, here's the worst thing. No, no, no. No, no, no. Okay. Take it easy. I'll just give you thumbs. Like forcing thumbs down. I know. I'll give you thumbs. It's okay. I don't want to chew them while I'm on the air. It's okay. It won't hurt you. She doesn't get angry. No. She doesn't. It's worse than angry. Silence. She's disappointed in you. Silence is the worst. Is it the look? Yeah. Oh, it's so piercing. The disappointment. And now that she won't call in, you can't resolve it. You'll have to wait a few hours. And there's nothing worse than that. She's punishing you so badly. You want your parents to come home after you've done something wrong. Oh, you know you're done. I would go by the flower shop if I were you. No. That'll just make her more money. Spending more money. Just harvest some of those jalapenos and habaneros that you've been growing. Wear your sombrero. Just send the camera back.
No. That's the right thing to do. He's not going to send it back. Step in the door. He's already whitened Woods' teeth with it. It's killing me. Send it back. You see this camera? It does a thing where when you take a picture with it, it says that it whitens the person's teeth that you're taking the picture. Yeah. So L.O.B. and Sienna told Woods that? About Mike's new camera. And Woods thought that what they meant was is that it actually whitened the person's teeth. Like it used UV rays. Like a laser went from the camera to the person's teeth. It was a two-in-one. Like some sort of a ray. Can I explain myself? I don't know.
I probably don't even need to. It's probably going to hurt your case. I can try. You can try. Go for it. I got in this morning. It was early. I did not have coffee yet. It was early for us, too. Yeah, it was early for CNN. We figured it out. In fact, we heard it earlier than you heard. You heard it from him, though. I came in after, and I don't really pay attention to what anybody says. They use the same words. I know, but I don't really pay attention. They spoke English. You pulled it out and said, I got a new camera. Camera didn't register my brain. I thought Mikey bought a new gadget that whitens teeth. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. You thought it was a camera. No, that's exactly what I thought. Wait. And there was this squint. He has a guilty look right now. He was so confused. And he was holding up one hand and pinching his fingers together. And he said, wait. Does it actually whiten teeth? That's what I thought. And Sienna and I just dropped our mouths open, looked at each other. There you go. I said, that's an L.O.B. move. For 60 seconds, all I could do was, what? What? He goes, rewind, rewind.
True story. Then I went straight to the coffee machine. He goes, I haven't had my coffee yet. That's quite a camera. It's the most. He'll drive your car for you, too. It's the most curious camera. Please leave me alone. He did. He goes, please leave me alone. Wait. Wait. Wait. Why is this so confusing? Wait. You're telling me. Wait. This revolutionary camera can actually. You take a photograph with it and the lens on the camera will actually whiten a person's teeth. I'm not myself, you guys. Wait. I'm not myself. I'm a wreck. Is it like an x-ray? It'll shave off 50 pounds. He squinted for so long that I was waiting for him to come up with a line that was just going to get you. And then he comes out with, wait. That was full on L.O.B. I'm sorry. She's not writing me. Nope, mine neither. Dude, I'm telling you, butt naked. Yeah, there you go. I don't think it would work with my wife. I think she would use that as, you know, he's gone for her.
At the very least, a little chuckle, right? She would crack a smile. She would absolutely crack a smile. You need a timeout, bro. It's just getting brutal over here, man. What's going on? You need a hug? I'm good. Kumbaya. When you're right, you're right, pal. Oh, boy. Oh, it's going to be brutal. Oh, man. Mikey, you look very concerned. Playing this for woods. What's this? Spa music. What? Spa music. Spa. That's real music from a spa? Are we in a spa? I thought this was a studio. How did we get here? I'm not all right. Woods is not okay. I hate movies. You're not even doing it and you're this wound up. I hate it. You've got Packers and you're this wound up. And Movers. Switch the bills over now. I will say that is stressful. Oh, it's the worst. Being on hold, you have 15 minutes before your call will be taken. It's the worst. It is stressful. It's the worst. Taxes, getting the taxes together, I wanted to blow my head off. If you would like help with taxes, press one. Beep. You've selected mortgages. No, I said taxes. Would you like mortgages? Taxes. If you would like taxes, say the word taxes. Taxes. You have selected mortgages. Taxes!
You are from Texas. You are from Texas. I'm not moving to Texas. For the state of California, press one. You have selected Texas. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. California. San Diego. Your choices are Dallas, El Paso, or Houston in Texas. Taxes! You have selected taxes. Yes. Would you like... Refunds or filing? Refunds. You have selected rerun from what's happening. You have selected rerun from what's happening. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I didn't. I'm hanging up now. Babe, please call. Honey, I'll give you a freebie if you call. And then the next time you mess up, I'll be... I'll be real cool. She doesn't mess up. Let me get out of jail. She doesn't mess up. She doesn't mess up. It's part of the problem. We're going to put Jay in overalls right now and have him go be a hayseed out in public. Oh, yeah. Great. Take your shirt off. It's coming up. Happy birthday to Miles McPherson. Today's Miles' birthday. Senior pastor at the Rock Church. It's M1 Harold's birthday today, too. Happy birthday to Harold. Very nice.
All right. Ready to do this? Jay is going to be going out and being a hayseed right now. But first, Sienna, what's going on in news? Breaking news story out of San Marcos. An on-duty San Diego police motorcycle officer was hit by a car this morning. This happened around 5.50 a.m. Seriously injured. He was taken to Palomar Hospital. where he's conscious, but they're saying severely hurt, so hopefully he's okay. He was on his way to work, and it happened around West Borden Road in Palo Alto Court. Also, as of last night, beginning with the class of 2016, high school students in San Diego are going to need three additional courses to earn a diploma. Wow. Cover graduation standards for the class starting in 2016, so good luck. I bet they're bummed, yeah. Let's see what's going on in sports. Well, sports is brought to us today by Frank's Red Hot. Frank's Red Hot. Get them. That's right. Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Dahani Jones does a reality TV show. It's called, it's on the Travel Channel, and it's called Dahani Tackles the Globe. You ever seen it? Love it. It's awesome, isn't it? He goes around, he does crazy stuff. He was in Encinitas a few weeks ago. Was he really? At Honey's.
Was he really? Yeah, I didn't see him. My friend saw him. Well, so as we know, the NFL is locked out. Well, Dahani's got this other gig, but he's trying for another one. He wants to be the Affleck Duck. Here is his audition tape. God, we ain't got nothing on me. Affleck! And you're welcome. I like it. I love it. Now, I have a question. I want to know if they're actually looking for the person to be a duck. or if they want it to be something completely different. They want it to be the duck, but with a different voice. It's not like Gilbert Godfrey did a duck voice. What they said was that they said, we're looking for you, so you give us whatever the voice is and just something to stand out. They want it to be distinct, but don't copy Gilbert Godfrey. Don't be Gilbert Godfrey because he has an out-there voice. Shouldn't it be a duck still, though? No.
the Affleck logo. But he never quacked. Gilbert Gottfried didn't quack. But is the duck still going to be there? Yeah. You're going to be the new voice of the duck. Affleck. It could be that. Well, dude, Gilbert Gottfried was like, I want to get some, you know, insurance over here. I think, I mean, he just had a piercing voice that gets your attention. So I'm sure that, you know, just whatever gets their attention, if you have an out there voice, you can do an out there voice, submit it. I would try it. I think LAB should try it. I tell Lauren all the time to do it. I just, you know, I don't know about you, Lauren. I don't know what to do. You have to do it by April 1st, and I have no idea. Like, this morning I was like, I have no idea what to do. I don't either. But, you know. Somebody's going to win, right? Somebody's got to win. Could be one of us. Yeah. Think outside the box. Okay, I bet that's Jay. Is that you, Jay? Hey, what's going on? Not too much. Are you outside? We're at the subway right now. Okay. Are you standing outside the subway? Outside the subway. Okay. Now, Jay is, he lost a bet yesterday, so he's a hayseed right now. He looks amazing. Oh. It's incredible. By amazing, we mean he didn't have a shirt on and he's wearing overalls. Dickie's overalls. And a ponytail. He looks like a hayseed. Yeah. That's what I mean by that. And he has a wig on that's a big, long, like, Joe Dirk ponytail. Black. Black.
Oh, man, this is so bad. People are looking at me like I'm a crazy person. Do you have the blade of grass in your mouth? I have the blade of grass in my mouth, and there's an old man walking by me, and he just gave me the stare down. Well, he's like, wait, did that guy used to babysit me? That's Jay. Are you ready, Jay? No. Okay, what's the deal? Tell me what's happening and what you need. I'm just about to walk out. I'm ready. I'm just never really ready. Oh, the old man is now inside placing an order. Oh, God. Jay is scared. He gets nervous. I am nervous. I thought he was talking about himself as the old man. Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, you're in? He's the old man who does ordering. I'm going to wait for the man that's in front of me, I guess, to get the order taken care of. I'm about to walk in. Okay, so you're going to wait. Is it going to be empty except for you? No, no, he's in there. I guess I'll go stand in line and see if they call somebody up to help me. You know what you're going to get? First question. Don't worry, I got it. You got it? Yeah. Oh, gosh. Okay. Here we go. Hi, y'all. Hi, y'all. Hi, y'all. Y'all sell beer? Y'all sell beer? What about moonshine? Oh, I don't sell beer. Are you still serving breakfast? Breakfast. What about breakfast? All right, I'll take an egg and something.
I'll take an egg and something. Something good. Do you have grits? Y'all serve grits? Yeah, something good with egg. How about grits? Excuse me? How about grits? That's not grits? Oh, that's egg white. Well, what did the flow used to say? Do y'all make biscuits? Just kiss my grits. And kiss my grits. And kiss my grits. Oh. Kiss my grit. Oh, my God. I'm mortified. I have Farmer John. Yes, ma'am. I'll have the Italian then. Do I smell like manure? Do I smell like manure? You know that. Well, I think I smell like manure. Y'all serve a... Yes, ma'am. Where's y'all's beef come from? Where's the beef come from? What? Okay. That pork's fine. Y'all serve Jimmy Dean? Yeah.
Is that Jimmy Dean? Subway Dean. Oh, okay. Subway Dean. All right. What about... American, you know that. Y'all like Skinner? Y'all like Skinner in here? Who doesn't like Skinner? Not American if you don't like Skinner. Jay, start singing Sweet Home Alabama. I think that's good. No, it isn't. There you go. Oh, my God. Jay's in a subway right now. Alabama. Oh, my God. Y'all know a good place around here to fish? Oh, my God. Is there any good fishing holes around here? Yeah. Pond. What about a crick? Is it a crick? Oh, there's a crick over here. I love bass. Oh, it's true, yeah. I bet there's some good catfish in there. Oh, my God. For sure. A lot of people tell me I have a nice bass. A lot of people say I have a nice bass. Bass! Bass!
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. All right. Thanks, Jay. He said back. Back. Back. Give him a wiener time when you're walking out the door. Did he hang up on him? That was like five minutes. He hung up. He hung up. Good. He went for so long. I like how Mikey goes, ask him if there's a good place to fish. And he goes, y'all know any good fishing homes? Even better. I think he was curious. Like a pond or a lake. Like where? No, I'm serious. No, seriously. May or may not have sung the wrong words. Something about. The skies are colored blue. Their skies are colored blue. And their eyes are colored blue. And their eyes are colored blue. Unbelievable. He gets so nervous when he does that. Rightfully so. He did so great. He did amazing. Oh, he kept going. I think LLB's the only person that hasn't done it yet. That's true. You've got to do it, LLB. Put me up to a bet that I lose. I know it. We've got to get you something. Yeah. A hundred. Let's see.
lose a bet. I just had to do it. Yeah, I think that's true. No, you lost against me in Movie Plot Hot Potato. That's true. You remember everything. She is. She's an elephant. I was just supposed to wear the wig for the day, and I went down there, though. 570-1949 is our number, and our text, 949mikey at gmail.com. My wife won't answer her phone. Oh, boy. I know. I wonder why. She's upset with you. Mine's not texting me back. It's hard to hear you, Mike, because you're just in so much hot water. It's kind of gurgling. Well, here's the thing. She's got to stay married to me, you know, or she can't get rid of me. You can't just use that excuse to get away with anything. It's kind of a good bit. Where are you going to go? A marriage is like a garden. You have to tend to it. You have to nourish it. Are you married? Cultivate it. What? No. It's great. I love that. She's like, as a black woman, I can tell you. I am the only one not married on the show. Weird. Maybe everybody gets in trouble with their significant others today. That's not what I was saying, that I suck.
Kevin Federline. Oh, yeah. Thank you for this. Is expecting his fifth baby. Yeah. Maybe a condom. I know. Well, he was married. Not married. He was with Star Jackson. They had two kids together. Then he was with Britney Spears. That was the weirdest thing. They had two kids together. Now he has four kids, but his girlfriend, Victoria Prince, is pregnant. They have made the announcement, and now he's expecting his fifth child. Yeah, it ain't Victoria. What's the name? Victoria Prince? It was Star Jones. No, it was not. Yeah, it was. Char Jackson. It was Star Jones. Char Jackson. I said Star. It's Star Jones. It was Char. I like them big. Char. You don't like them big. She's small now, anyway. Britney Spears. You were with Britney Spears. Yeah, man, but that was for the money. Why are you talking that way? What way? Like you're a black guy and you're not a black guy. I am a black guy. No, you're not. Play my song, man. Black guys don't sound as black as I do. I'm telling you. I'm telling you right now. I'm looking right at you. You're a white guy named Kevin Federline. K-Fair. Please. All right, I'll play your song. Popo Zao. All right, I'll play that, but there better not be any dirty words in it. I can't promise you nothing, man. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Jay just walked into the studio with no shirt on.
Shaved. Shaved. Can I? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. He has a family. No, it's okay. His four children. Oh, my goodness. First, let me tell this story, but I want to know. This is the question that I have. Was it Woods that said? Yes. Did he? Was it you? He pointed it out. Okay, so Woods goes, did Jay shave? And I look in there, and I go, oh, wow. By shave, he means his chest. His chest. And his belly. And his belly. And so Woods goes, oh my gosh, I'm asking him right now. And Sienna goes, no. Actually, Lou asked me. No, before that. Sienna goes, no, no, don't do it. That's mean. Don't ask him. Don't do it. What does it mean? And so Lou goes, Lou goes, I'm asking. Jay opens the door right there and Lou goes. Hey, dude, did you shave? And Jay goes, oh, yeah. And pulls the front of his. First, he pulled his shirt up. And then he. And I turned around right when he pulled his shirt up. You're lucky. You're lucky you did that. I was like, don't. I didn't know. Because Sienna.
And Lou and I and Woods, did you? No, I saw it. No, it happened. It was like in slow motion, but quick. I couldn't look away quick enough. I felt like I knew it was coming. He pulled his pants down. His pants down. Not far. Not, I didn't see. But you gotta trim the shrubs to make the trees look big. I didn't see privates. No one did. I didn't see privates, but what I saw looked like a 40-year-old Serbian man. So, and we'll just leave it at that. Don't say that! With no drawers on. Yeah, with no drawers on. But we in leg lock. Yes, listen. Oh, my God. I challenge the fact that you say we didn't see privates because what I saw should be private. Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with you. You saw the nether regions. I just, you know, his wife who may be listening is like, what? You know, and I want her to know. If I was wearing a Speedo, it wasn't anything like that. Please don't ever wear a Speedo, Jay. I know, but I know. If I want to. Lou asked the question, and he goes instantly, raises his shirt, puts his thumb in his waistband, and goes, oh, yeah. Pulls it down. Did you miss a spot? Collectively in the room, you hear, ah. I was happy to have missed it. I said trim. I'm not going like Brazilian.
Thank you, Jay. Either way, you don't need to show us the good. I'm pretty sure that's not the first time he's done that because he was very comfortable in this. Oh, yeah. Oh, check it out. A yes would have suffice. A simply yes. You didn't even have to show me. And we were talking about down there. We're talking about your chest. Your chest and your belly. Not everything else. The guy just, he doesn't have a problem letting people, you know. He likes to be naked. He says, he's like, hey, it's natural. It's all natural. It's all natural. Everybody's got them. Everybody's got parts, and so what's the point? Some of them just are perfect, like mine. Some of them, you know. I'm an Adonis. Or like yours, Mike. Got Adonis DNA? Ain't like you, Mikey. I look good when I take my shirt off. Right. I don't look like I just opened up one of those packages that you make cinnamon rolls with. Sorry, I can't hip it. I can't help it. When I get in trouble at home, like you're in trouble today, Mikey, I will go home and get nude, and Kim can't help herself. She thinks it's great. If you did it, your wife would call probably Animal Protection Services. Or 911. Or 911, and she'd have people come down like a rattlesnake got loose, and she'd say, I don't know what it is, but there's something loose in my house. There's a chupacabra in here. Chupacabra. I can do it. Here you go.
I'll do a free wipe. She'll walk in and say, hey, wait, is that the statue of David? Oh, no. That's David. And if you did it, you'd say, oh, it's live animation of Porky Pig. Only it's live action. What's Grimace doing here? I can't believe it. Grimace has turned Mexican and short. Hey, can I meet Mayor McCheese or the Hamburglar? Woods is the Hamburglar. Fair enough. Oh, boy. Today is a pot of gold. My punishment should be over, I think. Still no call, no text. No, and I think my punishment has far exceeded... I think that's true. He's hurting, Rebecca. Please text him or call him. You don't have to say you forgive him. Yeah, just contact him. He's really stressing out. Just reach out. During commercials, it's all he talks about. Love your man. I doubt she's listening anymore. She is. I can't stand the sound of your voice.
Oh, my goodness. What is this? She loves it. Oh, is it? Yeah. When did this come out? I don't know. I found it on iTunes and fell in love with it. And that's Chris Robinson? Yep. How incredible is that? What album? You don't know. I found it. I'll show you. I found it. I found it. I wrote it for Chris. Chris is a friend. Yeah, he's a friend. Well, I know all the big rock stars. I used to build stages for him. Yeah. By hand. In an hour. I told Chris Robinson to get me to the Greek. All right. Something happened to Jay yesterday that sent him through the roof, and it probably would have sent, probably would have sent anybody through the roof. And I'm going to say, Woods, you may be in his crosshairs on this one. For sure. That is The Foo Fighters. Don't sound like The Foo Fighters. White Limo. What album is that? I think it's going to be on the new one. That does. I do like it. I needed the melody. I need melody. I don't like screaming. I need... It makes me... Ditto. It's just screaming makes me... I'm like, oh boy. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, by the way. Kitchens of Distinction. Garrett. Strange Free World.
By the way, createyourdesignonline.com for the greatest in business card design, website design. You need a website done? Jared is the man. Todd was just telling me last night that Jared's doing a website for him and he was going on and on and on about how he was slacking with like writing the about me stuff for the website and Jared's like you gotta do it man send it to me and Todd's like without him like it wouldn't be done and now it's done usually it's the other way around where you're telling the people that are doing your website hey when are you gonna be able to get this done he does it like instantly instantly Todd's like I've never met anyone that's so quick and so good CreateYourDesignOnline.com. So Jay, in his recap, says that yesterday he took his wife out to lunch after they both enjoyed yoga. Weird. Yep. He had like an acai bowl, didn't he? Actually, no. I had a turkey burger. I rewarded myself. I splurged. I can't get him. Write that down, please. I can't. My hand's shaking with anger. I know, with anger.
I traded myself. It's irreverent. Listen, I figured I could have a turkey burger. I'll splurge every once in a while. I'll have something disgustingly fattening. Something that only a fat pig would eat. He makes me feel like I'm disgusting. A slob. He makes me feel like I'm made of cement outside of a castle. A gargoyle. I'm the troll under the bridge. Yeah. He makes me feel like I should be on the end of a pencil with my hair sticking straight up. A little jewel in your stomach. He wants all the villagers to come to your door and try to burn down your house. So he says, we decided to sit outside for our lunch. And just as we got our food, a guy comes and sits down with his coffee and lights up a cigarette. Jay said, I wanted to say, hey, man, we're eating here. But I kept my mouth shut. He sat there and he smoked very slowly. And just as it was almost out, he got up, got into his car, started the car, rolled down the window and flicked his cigarette out the window as he drove away. Why are you Hawkeying this guy?
Because his smoke is permeating my food. He says, I almost lost my mind. Wanted to chase him down. He said, I'm sorry, but I think smoking should only be allowed inside the smoker's house. No car, no yard, and you should have to buy a filter so nobody else has to smell it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Strong statements. Yes, very. He says, oh, yeah. We did a 60-minute P90X when we got home. Just got to add that in there. Just to rub it in. Just to rub it in. After yoga. Jay, at this restaurant, is smoking allowed outside? I don't think so. Well, then he broke the rules. He's a douche. But I don't know for sure either, though. I mean, it's outdoors. There's no signs that say don't. So I don't know. I'm mortified. Why, Sienna? He did yoga, ate a turkey burger, and then did P90X. What kind of a person are you? You're a lunatic. I'm on a mission. Like, why is it fair that some people love to work out? I know. And some people get thrill in it. It feels so good. I don't. And then there's the other people that struggle to go on a walk for 10 minutes. Lou, how much do you exercise? A little. What does that mean? Three days a week, maybe. A little. Hour a day.
Oh, my God. That's a little. That's a lot. That's moderate. You exercise three days a week for an hour? For an hour. Oh, my gosh. You think that's a lot? That's a lot. That's not a lot. Jay works out seven days a week. For hours. At least an hour a day. I've been putting two-hour days in. I'd say what you're doing is good and healthy. I'd say what Jay's doing, most people don't do. Why? Because the September issue's coming up. I've got to get ready for Vogue. There's an opportunity that is on the horizon. Don't want to talk about yet, but if it comes through, I need to be in good shape. That's not why. He works out seven days a week no matter what. Well, I work out all the time just because I don't want to get fat and out of shape. He's cranking it up right now. I don't think it's your height that'll happen. Is that basketball? I'm just saying. Wow. Just an opinion. Love you though, dog. Shaving it all. Wow. Yeah, like you're not shaving. Just burned in my memory from now on. Jay Flashness is... Jay. Private. I'm with Jay. I don't think that somebody should be smoking while you're trying to eat. Yeah. Not while you're trying to eat. Most restaurants don't allow it. Yeah, I don't think they do. Unless it's allowed, then it's a rule. You know, and I wanted to say something, but I thought, here I am sitting with my wife enjoying. I don't want to make a scene. Because, I mean, what if he decided that he was going to be. And I was enjoying the afterglow of my yoga.
I was in a zen place. And for the record, I don't enjoy it. I mean, I enjoy what it does for me, but man, working out is so hard. But there's something about being in that lotus position that I just can't get enough of. For me, it's a downward facing dog. Downward dog is my personal favorite. Yes, I do yoga seven days a week. Sue me. Why would I be in this crosshairs for that? Because I don't do that anymore. I don't put my butts out the window anymore. You don't? I have a cup in my car. My car reeks now. Thanks to Jay. Good for you. But what if you were smoking in a restaurant in a place where you figured, hey, I'm outside. There's no signs. I'm going to light up. And some guy like Jay came over in his yoga outfit and was like, hey, what do you think you're doing? I'd flip out. If it was like, there was a time. Watch over in his leotard. That's Jay in Downward Facing Dog. There was a time. And blow and blow.
I was at a bar in Dallas having, we were happy hour, and it was smoking allowed inside. And this guy, who was a gay man, walked up to me and goes, you need to put your cigarette out. And I was like, I'm at a bar, pal. I'll smoke all day if I'm at a bar. You get away from me, you worry, drink your pina colada. Well, yeah, somebody can't tell you to stop smoking if you're in a place where smoking is allowed. Right, and that's the same thing. If smoking is allowed on the patio, you really don't, if it's okay to do, it may bother you, but. It's okay to do. If there's like a baby sitting at your table and they're right next, then maybe you could say something other than that. Or how you were asked. If he was like, hey, excuse me, my lady you're eating, would you mind? If you came at me like, hey dude, put your cigarette out, I'd be like, it's go time, here we go. Yeah, well, you know me. Okay, sure. Fast forward the tape, man. Fast forward the tape, he gets a cigarette put on his forehead. Fun for everybody. It's time to play buzzword. 570-1949. 570-1949. You're going to pick me or Sienna or L.O.B. or Woods. And the object of buzzword is that Jay is going to give us the buzzword, then he's going to give us clues, and we have to yell out. As soon as we know, we've got to yell out the answer. So you've got to pick a horse. Me, Sienna, Woods, or L.O.B. L.O.B.
is good at this game. Don't jinx me. I'm trying to. She's the best at it. This gets wild. Well, yeah. Her brain works so fast. She never stumbles. With buzzword? And bud work. She loves it. Yes, you're the best at it. You never lose. You never lose. You can't lose. Jinxing you. I will challenge that. She cannot lose. That's not true. I'm actually terrible. You're so good at it. I bet you're going to win today. I bet I'll totally choke. It's kind of like those tweets I used to have that were so good, and now I can't come up with anything. M1GetStickerMaker from IB. Are you there? Who would you like? I'd like Woods. You got it. Hang on the line. Weird. M1Scott from Alpine. Who do you want? Hang on the line. Oh, the order's switching. M1Lisa from Lakeside. Who would you like? I want Santa. Yeah, Lisa! Okay, people, you can all feast. M1 Jordan from Rancho Bernardo. L-O-B. You got it, man. Yeah, you got L-O-B. There you go. Lisa, get sticker maker. Let's do this thing, man. I forget the other guy's name. Give it to me. All right, here we go. What's a bunch of words? Say it! Oh, man. Why don't you say the word? Just like that. Here we go. The word is pool.
P-U-L-L. Why can't you say pull? Pull. Stop saying pull. It's pull. Pull. Spell it one more time. P-U-L-L. All right, here we go. Pull. All I think is pull. Okay. Me too. Damn it. Stay up working until dawn. Pull all nighter! It's a tie. Two-way tie. Woods and Lauren. Dang it. Mike, you and I did real good on that one. I'm pretty sure that you don't know this one. Curls of the bicep that lift your whole body. Nice, Mikey. Wow, Mike. Look at the look of Mikey's face. Okay, here we go. A woolly garment with no buttons and zippers. Pull over! Yeah, that's it. Son of a... Why does she don't... Lauren 2 with the Mikey 1. Weird. Okay, I'm going to skip this one and go to the next. Actually achieve the goal against all odds. Pull your weight! Actually achieve the goal against... Pull it off! Dang it! Dang it. Woods and his little fist bump. Yeah. And thrusting. Thrusting. It's really passionate. Okay, here we go. Hey, Woods. Off the mic a little bit. Yeah. There you go. There you go. Welcome to my world. Yeah. Pull all out. Wait, what? I wasn't done, but he got it. The word was in it. No. Yeah. Go all out.
You said pull all out. He said, oh my God. Just leave him alone. Just leave him alone. You guys all have two. I have zero weird. Please. Call in a few favors. Talk to some important people. Pull some strings. Oh, good. Mike's in the lead. Wow. That was the way you said it. Pull some strings. Pull some strings. Stand with the aid of a calf high footwear. Pull up boots. Stand with the aid of a calf high footwear. Pull. You're so close. Pull your. Yep. Pull your. Pull your boots up. Pull your bootstraps up. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Lauren got it. Oh, BS. Dang it. What is that? Pull yourself up by your boots? Yeah, bootstraps. No, bootstraps.
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and let's do this. I suck. You're going to put on a tee for me. Guess what I'm going to do with it. Lauren and Mike are tied with three. Not for long. Hold back in boxing terms. Pull out. Pull away. Pull back. Push and pull. Hold back in boxing terms. Pull your punches. There you go. Now you're playing the game. You guys are all tied with three. I hate pull. Let's go in another word. Yank the power cord out of the socket. Pull it out. Pull the plug. Dang it. Pull the plug. Pull the plug. Pull the cord. She said pull the cord. That was what it was. Pull the plug. No, it said pull the cord. It's pull the plug. That's if you kill someone. What is it? Pull the plug or pull the cord? Lauren got it. L.O.B. wins. Again. I'm sorry, Lisa. I've never heard pull the cord. I'm sorry, Lisa. The booty shake. Oh, my God. Feast other M1 suckers. M1 Jordan, you made the right call. Thank you. We almost had to pull the cord on you. Yeah. Whatever that means. Hang on. It has to be. Hang on. I want to see the card. It exists or else I wouldn't have yelled at it. I want to pull the card. I want to pull the cord. I want to pull the curtain back. I want to pull my hair out. Why weren't any of these on there? I know.
I hate pool. That's the worst buzzword. Pool. Did you score? No, I got zero. The word is pool. This is how every game is. You pulled a fast one on us. Oh, wow. Oh, shut up. Shut up. They're called idioms. Oh, shut up. Shut up. Stop. Move forward. As I said, the first one's free. The next one goes in your mouth. Oh, wow. Really, dude? Really? Exactly what I said. And blow and blow. Really, dude? Really? This is Mikey and Jay battling. It's a safety hazard. It's on. Jay's turn. Now back to Mike. Really, dude? Really? Gonna put the hot dog in the bun. Oh, boy. Gosh. Bye. Wiener time. Really, dude? Really? Leave it to beaver. Can you guess who's playing which clips? That's a bit.
Scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. Now back to Jay. I got a booty. Shut up. Shut up. Stop. Move forward. Jay cannot play the clips without mouthing it. I die every time. He can not play the clips without mouthing it. It's the greatest thing ever. We have to film this. He mouths it so weird. He tries to act like... He's like a ventriloquist. Picture a really bad ventriloquist that has to move his mouth when he's doing the dummy. He keeps his jaw closed. His teeth are short, but his lips move. Really, dude? Really? Oh, it's my favorite part of the job. Can't not do it. Alright, let's move on. All right, Sienna. Best albums of the 80s. I have guesses. I'm going to say... Now, don't yell at me, first of all, because whenever I have a list, you guys yell at me. Why did you make this list? You weren't even alive in the 80s. I was born in 85. The Joshua Tree. Yes, got to be. That was 90. Wow, look at you. That's U2, The Joshua Tree, number one. And this was put together by... It's a new poll released by the Rolling Stone magazine. Thriller.
Number three. Look at you. What? Dang. This is my era. 1984, Van Halen. Get. Open up and say, ah, poison. Madonna, Like a Virgin. What? These are all songs that you guys, or bands that you guys would know. Def Leppard. Def Leppard. Def Leppard. Pyromania. Wow, that's unbelievable. That's the worst list you've ever done. How much did you not spend any time on this list? Billy Joel. I can't just make this stuff up. Were you just guessing? The Thompson Twins. The Cure. Yes, The Cure. What's your record? I'm going to pull a J on this. Disintegration. Yes. One of the best. Depeche Mode. Enjoy the silence.
The Cure was number nine, by the way. Nice. You guys want me to tell you the rest? Yes. Metallica, number 10, Master of Puppets. Nice. The Cure, number nine. The Clash, London Calling is number eight. The Smiths, The Queen is Dead is number seven. The Smiths. Let's hear Garrett. ACDC. Back in Black. Number six, Prince, Purple Rain. Oh! See, this list isn't that bad, right? It's hard to think of things. Number four, Bruce Springsteen, Born in the USA. Number three, Michael Jackson Thriller, like Mike said. Number two, which you guys haven't guessed, Guns N' Roses. Oh, yeah. Appetite for Destruction. Number one, U2, The Joshua Tree. If I had thought of Thriller before Joshua Tree, I'd have said Thriller. I would have thought would be number one. Yeah. Number three. Number one selling. Yeah. This was a poll again by Rolling Stone magazine. That Sienna did on her own. That she did by herself. It's all her favorite. If it was me, you know, none of those would have been happening. I would have been like, who's that? Sienna, what gadgets are you supposed to get rid of? And what gadgets are you not supposed to get rid of? And more importantly, why would anybody?
Get rid of a gadget. Because if you already have a new one, Mikey. They, you know, you don't need it. Exactly. They make better stuff like, okay, here's one that they say not to, or that you're supposed to get rid of. Desktop computer. Lose it. You can't. Laptops have all the necessary computing power the average user needs. If you want to replicate the desktop experience, they say that you can always connect your laptop to a larger display and keyboard. Agreed. She's right, actually. Agreed. Yeah, they do have all the power in laptops now. Why do we have it? Okay, I'll tell you why we have a desktop. We have a desktop because desktop has a bigger viewing area. But the actual tower, I feel like there's more that can go wrong with it because there's more parts. The only thing that has a tower is something called a PC. Well, what's a desktop then? A desktop is the one that sits on top of your desk. That's just a monitor. Right. Guess what? It's all built in there. Macs don't have towers.
Isn't that fantastic? That's fantastic. How great is Mac? They don't have a tower. That's an actual computer. How many computers do you have? That's a computer. The problem with that, though, is... It's not just a monitor. And the engineers will tell you, is that when something goes wrong inside of that, it's so much more expensive. Oh, really? Oh, I thought it would be the other way around. You know what, though, Jay? What's that? Stuff don't go wrong inside of that. They've got one sitting in the shop right now. Do they? It was probably a PC. And you're going to pay two times more for a Mac. It's just like that. That Mac. that's sitting in my office, nothing wrong with it. And if there is, take it to the Apple store. Brand new. Chris is the only one who uses it. It's never used. Hey, I got one at home. I got one at home, too. And I've had PC compared to those Macs. First of all, LOP was just blown away. Like, wait, that doesn't connect to something. There's a hard drive in there? Yeah. It doesn't connect to something. It is fantastic. Holy motherboard. Yeah. You're going to pay for that, though. You're going to pay two times. But you take that to the Apple store, and they will do everything in their power to fix it for free. And think about this, Lou. If you take your PC to get repaired, first of all, where are you going to take it? The PC store? Yeah. So you've got to unplug your monitor. You've got to unplug your keyboard. You've got to unplug your...
You've got to unplug your tower. You've got to carry all that stuff in there. And with that, the keyboard is wireless. And so all you do is unplug it from the wall, and it's gone. You take it. It's all right there. And they have all the necessary hookups there anyway. But still, I'm not good. You're not a Mac guy? For that little inconvenience, I could care less. I'm not going to pay two times more for that. It's worth it. Your PC? Yeah. Oh, Lou. It's not two times more. It's not two times more. It used to be. Lou. The operating system. I'm sorry. I'm stuck in my ways. I'm sorry. I know it. I am. I get it. I am. I was too. I was too. I was too. If you go Mac, you'll never go back. Never go back. Oh, goodness. I'm telling you. Never. It looks better. Never. Never. Really? You couldn't give me. If somebody came to you and said, hey, we're going to give you. Adele. Five. We're going to give you a home. We'll give you one for the bathroom. Oh, if somebody gave it to me, sure. I don't want it. Because I could coordinate. No, he's saying if somebody came to him and gave him a PC, he would go. We'll install one in your bathroom, your office, and your work on the house. I'd say I'd rather buy my own. I work on both. At work, I have a PC that I deal with five days a week, and then I have the Mac at home. I do a side-by-side comparison each day. Mac.
Dude, I'm telling you, it's the best. I've heard that quite a bit. It's the best. Okay, I have more. You guys say keep it or lose it. This is a list of gadgets you should get rid of or keep. All right? Keep it or lose it. High-speed internet at home. Keep it. Keep it. Of course keep it. Correct. Cable TV. Keep it. Lose it. Keep it. Lose it. Well, this is the one that says it depends. So this was a trick one. It depends. It depends. If it's AT&T U-verse, keep it. That's what I have. Here's what they say. If you're a sports fan, you need cable. Yeah. However, people like LLB that are like casual viewers, you can go on Netflix now. There's Hulu Plus. There's Amazon Instant Video. Oh, I didn't know about that. You can get all this stuff. Amazon Instant Video. I didn't know about it. Apple TV. Yeah, but there's other ways to watch television. There is. If you just watch it every once in a while, you don't need the cable. You like sports, though? Sports, you need the cable. Gotta have cable. I've been in trouble during this.
NCAA tournament, I've had to go out to the bars to see the games because nobody that I know has cable. Is that why you've had to go out to the bars? It's not like I'm out till 10 o'clock sucking back whiskey. You're out every night. Till 11 o'clock. Drinking Irish mash. Yeah, right. I wouldn't be at work the next day if that was a game. Wouldn't you? You're a professional. Okay, gadgets you should get rid of or keep. Point and shoot camera. Keep. Lose it. No. No. Don't yell at me. This is the worst. Everything is on your phone now. Everything's on your phone. The quality's not as good, but people don't care anymore. They care more about having immediate access to Facebook, immediately being able to email it. Now these point-and-shoot cameras are catching up with the smartphones, but the smartphones are still ahead on ease of use and sharing. If you're going to print a poster, then you need it. But if you're doing anything above 5, you can't tell the difference. Unless you're printing a poster. And I'll tell you why. I know he's like, well, an M1 wrote it. I understand an M1 wrote it. I knew it already. Okay, well, hang on. What about this? They showed online the difference between a 14 megapixel photograph and a 5 megapixel photograph. And the difference is, is in the...
Vibrancy, the detail, the sharpness. If you're printing pictures, if you're going to post it. I was just looking at it online. I like to print pictures personally. Really? So I will never give up my camera. Yeah, if I had a good camera. You print pictures, I think it's, yeah, you need one. If I had a camera, I would love it. Okay, keep it or lose it. Camcorder. Lose it. Keep it. Lose it. But you got to flip though. You need a flip. Or your phone. Or your phone. It says lose it because smartphones can capture video. It's the same thing. It may not be the same quality, but people don't care anymore. And it runs out of memory. iPhone has tons of memory to spare and shoots an HD video. Flip's cool. Flip's cool. Flip's really cool. Gadgets you should keep or get rid of. USB thumb drive. Keep. Get rid of. I don't know why I should or shouldn't. It says lose it. Why? File sharing does not require hardware anymore. You can move files around digitally via the internet. Dropbox. Dropbox. Air share. Jay's fake bit. Dropbox. Fantastic. Fake bit. Mike's fake bit. Yeah, Jay's bit that he talked me into that we never use. And then you try to talk me into that I just deleted your email right away when I saw it. I would sign up for this, sign up for this. Nope, not going to happen. Keep it or lose it. Digital music player. Keep. Keep. Of course you keep that.
What? That's what it says. Do you have a smartphone? Then you have a music player. Drain your battery. Use hemp. Drain your battery. Get sweat on it if you're going to run with it. Pothead Bob. It's me, Pothead Bob. What up? You don't need an MP3 player, right? No. What do you use? Hemp. Hemp or hemp oil. What about hemp butter? Yeah, hemp butter. I shave with hemp butter. But when I want to listen to tunes, I play songs through hemp. Hemp does everything. Hemp P3 player. It's a hemp P3 player. I think that's what it's called. This is Pothead Bob signing off. Thanks. All right, keep it or lose it. Alarm clock. Can you use your phone or hemp? Lose it. Your phone. I use my phone. Hey, Maggie. Yeah. It's Paddy Bob. Paddy Bob again. What's up? Well, not too much. What do I do if I want to get up at like three in the morning and I need to wake up? Use hemp. Just like a hemp. Or hemp oil. Okay. What about hemp butter? You can use hemp butter. Okay. To wake up? Yep. That's an alarm. Yeah. My alarm broke in 97. What'd you do? I got hemp. Okay.
This is Pothead Bob signing off. Thanks, Bob. It says alarm clock, keep it. Really? Yeah. You know, even though smartphones can be a terrific alarm clock, you know, there's recent daylight time glitches. It causes the iPhones to get messed up. Sometimes they turn off in the middle of the night. Yeah, and alarm clocks are just so easy to use. I have to. Gotta have a backup. There is one little app, though, I would like to just caveat and share it real quick, where you have to actually shake your phone to turn it off. That way you don't accidentally hit, like, dismiss instead of snooze. So, yeah, you have to actually shake the phone a few times. I don't snooze, man. But a lot of people out there do. Snooze for a full hour. I do not. Full hour. Put your phone across the room so you have to get up. I do that. Fake bit, I won't hear it. I sleep in earplugs. Oh. Okay, I have two more gadgets you should get rid of or keep. White people. White people are crazy. They're crazy. Would a black guy just pop up? No, I would be afraid to, like, go in my ears or something. Oh, I can't do this. Yeah, plug me out. Not a white thing. It's not a white thing. Gadgets you should keep or get rid of. GPS unit. Keep. Keep. Get rid of. Your phone has it. Yeah, your phone has it. Get with the phone. Lauren is correct. Hey, Podhead Bob, what do you do for GPS? Hey, it's Podhead Bob. What do you use if you want to get around? Uh, help.
Or just weed. Yeah? You can do weed. What about hemp oil? You can use hemp oil. Anything else? You can use hemp butter. All right, that's cool. Your smart phone has GPS on it. It can do the same thing for half the price or free. There you go. Last one. Keep it or lose it, and you guys will all have the same answer, I think. Books. Lose them. Keep them. You can lose them. Now you got iPads. So great. They smell delicious. Keep them. They're good to take you. Mike, why do you collect Bibles? That's different. Why is that different? It's a book. It's a book. It smells good. It says keep them. So, Woodsy just came in with a little smooshy ball. Exercise ball. Exercise ball. Lou Bush just took off and Lou wanted to tackle Woods onto the beanbag. We have a gigantic beanbag. And Woods said no. Well, you said no. I'm not going to let Lou Bush hit me. That's the thing. Guys sometimes don't get how strong they are. Here's the deal. Lou played in the National Football League because he was really exceptional. Professional.
He was professional at hitting people. Here, you get in on this. Lou. He just walked back in because he forgot his keys. Do you just tell everything? I'm just painting a picture for the M1. She's the show narrator. Lou. Yes. You do realize that you were a professional. Love me. I do. Just love. I do. You were a professional at hitting people. So if you were to hit Woods, you realize he'd die. Oh, I would hurt you. He would put some... And then I have this built up that I haven't hit nobody in a long time. Here's the only reason why... I know a good spine surgery. Here's the only reason I might survive. Oh my gosh. There's one reason I might survive. You were a professional football player. I'm a semi-professional baseball player. He's not. He's not. Can you imagine if he was to hit Lauren? Yeah, sign me up for that. Lauren's eyes immediately closed. She's like, okay. Oh, wow. Be gentle. Watch closely. The shaver back there. I'm a semi-pro baseball player. You're not. I am. They used to pay Lou. The National Football League used to pay Lou to play. In fact, in a Super Bowl.
The Tipsy Crow pays us to play. How many people were... Not in beer and pizza. Not in beer and pizza. Cash. Cash. How many people were in the stadium when you played in the Super Bowl? Ooh. Dang. That was Joe Robbie when it was, what, probably... 60,000? No, more than that. 70,000? 75,000? 75,000 in the stadium. Okay. What's your point? And then I would say, watching at home, probably 100 million. Okay. You know, worldwide. Do you have a point? Yeah, my point is... How many people were Spectators Woods at your last game? The last game we were at, it was a little chilly. It was a little chilly that day. There were six. Okay. All right. So there's a little bit of a difference. Six. All right. Lou. A hundred million. Six. So, Lou, when you practiced, where did you put your clothes on and take your clothes off? Where? Where did you do that? Did you get dressed at home and then show up in your car? Where did you change? For games. Oh, no, at the stadium. At the stadium, in the locker room. Yeah, in the locker room. Woods, where do you get changed for games? I get dressed at home, and then I carry my cleats to my... So when you get... Yeah, you don't want to scuff the cleats. Right, well, I have these new things I put on the bottom called cleat skins that protect them, but... Can we just call ourselves...
Both elite athletes. Leave it at that. Let's just leave it at that. There you go. Listen, we're both elite athletes. It's not a big deal. Mikey is using his teal metallic camera. He can justify when he gets home. He can go see him. Yeah, I know. That's why he's doing it. Woods looks extra little because he's on a bouncy ball. And Lou looks like the Hulk next to him. Lou. You're an athlete. I'm an athlete. I'm an athlete. I'm an athlete. Everyone in here is an athlete. You don't play organized sports? I've played on a dodgeball team. You don't now. I can get back on it tomorrow if I want. I'll get back on one and I'll find a spot. You guys will be athletes. Just so you know, we did a benefit one time and we were sitting there with Trevor Hoffman. We were sitting there with David Wells. Brett Boone. Welles is funny. David Wells is funny. He is funny. Jake Peavy was there. Mike Sweeney was there. Mike Sweeney was there. Woods gets up with a microphone. He looks at these men in this room and he goes, guys, guys, we're all ballplayers here. They died. They died. They were died. He goes, we're all ballplayers here. He's like,
We all belong to an elite fraternity. Wow. He was killing them. And then, it's worth telling again, because the first time we told this story was early on in the show. So we go to see some friends of ours that have a kid that's real sick in the hospital. We go to visit. We walk in this room, right? And it's a hospital room, and we're all crying. I mean, Woods is crying. I'm crying. We're all crying, right? Weeping. Weeping. And the guy next to Woodsy puts his hand and gives Woodsy a pat, you know? And Woodsy's, and he looks at the guy, he's crying, and he gives him the old thanks. Thank you, man. And I say a prayer, you know, I finish with a prayer, and when I say amen and the prayer's over, everybody just starts milling around and talking and everything. Mingling. Mingling. And so Woods looks at the guy who was comforting him, and he goes,
you play baseball? I think I recognize you. And the guy goes, yeah, yeah, actually I do. And Woods goes, yeah, S-B-S-D-A-B-L? San Diego Adult Baseball League. And the guy goes, no, no, my name's Mike Sweeney. I play for the Philadelphia Phillies. World Series team. World Series, dude. They had just been in the World Series. And Woods goes, Woods goes, Woods goes, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my bad. Not the San Diego Adult Baseball League. Not that league. Not that league. The big one. The big league, yeah. Big league. So we all file. A priest comes. The people from Children's Hospital come, and they go, okay, it's time to take baby Angelina in for surgery, right? And so we're all, man, it gets us all emotional again. And so they take her, and they're taking her into surgery, and we're all walking, and me and Woodsy and Sweeney, we're kind of filing in the back, you know?
And we're all wiping tears away. I mean, Woods is wiping tears away. Sweeney, me, we all are. And Woodsy goes, hey, you play at that new Yankee stadium? Oh, my God. That's a clown. And Sweeney goes, Sweeney goes, yeah, man, yeah. And he goes, Woodsy goes, I bet that thing's awesome. You gotta love that true fan, though. Loves his Yankees. True fan. True fan. Or just a true idiot. A little bit of both. This morning he said he was a jock sniffer. I love athletes. They do something that I've always wanted to do and can't do, so I'm in on that. I'll sit on Lou Bush's laptop if you let me, okay? I'm so alive. Get in line. Sorry. What did you say? You can't talk like this. I know it. I know it. I know. So, Lou. Oh, my goodness. So, Lou, after he does the thing, right, at the hospital where he says this, that's when we do the charity deal, right? And Sweeney's at the charity deal.
And so Woodsy says to all of these pro baseball players, Woodsy goes, hey, guys, guys, just so you know, too, by the way, here's my boy Sweeney over here. Me and him are best friends. We're best friends. I might have texted him also. We exchanged numbers. And I might have texted him. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We exchanged numbers. Let me explain, Lou. You gave him yours? Yeah. He goes, Woodsy goes, actually, wait a minute. That time, it was his idea. It was his idea. That's right. So I felt like a schoolgirl. I was like, yeah, I'll give you my number, of course. Yeah. Will you call me or are you just saying it? Are you just saying it? You just want my number to be nice. Don't ask for my number if you're not going to call me. So he gives me, we exchange numbers, and I text him, and I might have asked him to help me in the batting cage. Lou just, Lou, as a professional athlete, Lou just quickly looked at the ceiling and then put his face in his hand.
I mean, imagine Lou, you meet somebody out of your profession and they meet you. Yeah, you have a good time with them. And then they text you, Lou, and they say, hey, Lou, maybe you teach me how to form tackle at your house. Yeah. What did he say? He said yes. Well, wait a minute. First of all, it took him a while to text back. He showed all his friends, I guarantee you. It took like six days. It took a week. One day short of a week. And we talked about it on the air. We talked about it on the air. And I think he felt guilty. I have another confession to make. Oh, no. Woods, Woods, Woods, Woods. I have another confession to make. What are you doing, dude? Just keep coming. What? Are you ready? Yeah. I'm not. Okay, let me get more comfortable. Settle in. Settle in, everybody. Take your shoes off. Deep breath. This is going to be a doozy. Yep. So. Oh, no. This past weekend. Oh, no. I. Read online that the Kansas City Royals signed Mike Sweeney to a one-day contract so that he could retire a royal, which is a pretty common thing. Very cool. And that means that he will retire from the great game of baseball. And I might have texted him. Oh, my gosh. Congratulations. Just saw the news on CNN.
On CNN, not from you. Not on your personal Facebook page. Just saw the news on CNN. Just wanted to say. Like millions of others. Just wanted to say congratulations on a great career. Now comes his crowning moment. Got a text back. When? From Sweeney. The next day. The next day. He's busy. He's retiring the next day. Babe, how do I handle this? What do I say, babe? What do I say to this guy? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with him. I've never had a stalker before. He doesn't have her address, does he? I mean, he's a nice guy, but he doesn't stop. I want to remain friends with Angelina's parents. It's so sticky. I love Dom, but... Ready? Thank you so much. No! He's a gentleman. It's an honor I never deserved. but one I will cherish forever. The wife did that. I can tell you now. No. Hold on. Happy Sunday, Brother Woods. I hope to see you soon. Say hello to Mikey and, of course, your family. Miss you, pal. Mike. So everybody can feast on that. You just told that story so you can see how cool you are. He's such a good guy. He's such a good guy. Can I add something?
The wife did that. Would? I'm sorry. No. I'm sorry. She's like, babe. There's a couple key words. What do I do? She's like, I'm not texting you. Cherish? You can if you want. Babe, will you answer me? He's a nice guy. Just read what this guy wrote me and then just, you know. He's in the shower. He's in the shower going, yeah, just go ahead. Just write anything. Stop washing the bits. Yeah, like, just anything. Whatever you want to say. I mean, anything you want to say. Make it sound like me. Yeah, make it sound like me. Say at the end of it, sign it with my name, though. Throw a pal in there somewhere. How did the nightmare be over? Like Skippy. Say Skippy. He likes that. She goes like this. When she says, she goes, should I read it to you? Yeah. Thanks, pal. Mike. Yep. That's it. Just click there. I think you guys are all jealous. Also. Woods is a perpetual deleter. He deletes everything in his phone after he reads it. Saved it. He has it saved from Sunday. You know he's got every one of those. No, just one. Just that one. Really? Watch, I'll delete it right now. The other ones have been emailed. Oh, don't do it. Delete. Oh.
Just to make you guys happy. He saved you all. It's archived. It's archived. It's in the shrine. It's in the shrine. He's okay. He's a special folder in his email that he sends it all to me. Sween dog. The Sween dog. The Sween dog. My best friend is what it says. It's great though, man. Yeah. Guess what Woods is doing this weekend. Batting cage with Sween Dog? Look at him. He's sitting over there. He's sitting over there just clicking his pen like... He's moving. I'm going to have this rib. Yeah, Mike, go ahead. You're moving, right? You're going to have... Tell him what I'm doing this weekend. Yeah, tell him. He was invited by Trevor Hoffman's wife. Amy. I think it's Amy. You know, I forget. Trevor's going to like... I forget. They all just blend together. They all blend together. You know, at this point. All my ballplayer friends are... Oh my gosh. My frat brothers. Well, my... Our fraternity. My colleagues. My colleagues. My peers. My peers. Oh, wow. The group of my peers. Trevor Hoffman's wife personally asked Woods to host a benefit that they're having. MC? He's made for that. MC. Yeah, he is made for that. He is. And so, do you want to know where he's going to be sitting? Trev's table. Wow!
Oh, big time. Don't embarrass us. Are you going to forget about us on your way out? It's going to be everything in my power not to be like, so, why'd you throw that 3-2 change up? I'm going to be like my dad. I always made fun of my dad. Please don't. Are you going to take a camera in your pocket and say, hey, could I get a fourth picture before I take off? I'm getting pictures with him. That's Trevor Hoffman. That's the Trevenator. That's cool, though. I'm a huge fan. It's great. I mean, you meet your idols, dude. These are my idols. I love these guys. Wait, well, he did meet his idol, Derek Jeter, and he said... Go get him, Jake! Go get him, Jake! Go get him, Jake! He followed him on the street for half a mile. For half a mile. I met Michael Jordan, and I didn't know... I was, like, dumbfounded. He gave me a cigar, and he made a joke about me. I was like, dude, what? You made a joke about you? He's like, dude, what kind of watch is that? I went... Casio. Casio, bro. I'll take it off. I don't need it. He was like, Seiko? It was like my second year in the league. I was like, whatever. He's like, oh. Maybe you don't, yeah. Maybe you don't worry about my watch. Don't worry about it. He goes like this. He goes, everybody takes a wad out. Probably like eight grand. Like, everybody chipping us by a little watch. Oh. Are you kidding? Are you kidding? No, I'm not. That's a true story. Yeah, I was like, oh. I would have taken the money and run. Did he give you the money?
Well, he had a watch on at the time. No, he actually wiped with it. He had a Nike watch. He had a Nike watch on. He took it off. He goes, feel that. It was solid gold. Nike made it for him, of course. He gave it to him. Solid gold Nike watch. I don't like that. No, it was fine. No, he's just going to show off. No, it wasn't so much that. It was like, how long have you been in the league? It's that. It was more like a step up your game. It was an incentive for him. I'll talk to Trevor and have him tell me to step up my game. Trev. Trev. Mr. Hoffman. Ask him that, though. As long as you say it right, it's not going to be insulted by him. He'll answer it. He'll be like, yeah, you know what? I'm sure he's going to be scared for his life, but I mean, it's no big deal. He's going to get in his car and look in his rearview mirror and go, oh! Is this guy still here? He's going to be texting Sweeney like, oh, what did you say to this guy? Think this guy's ever ordered a Chablis? A fresh Chablis? Ever had hummus? Yeah, you think this guy's ever ordered the hummus? The hummus platter. You think he's ever had a pita sandwich? Ever enjoyed some fresh sprouts? Think this guy's ever put on a sweater? Oh my gosh. Ever picked a lemon from his tree? Yeah, from his orchard. Made fresh lemonade? Yeah. Think this guy's ever been on a boat in Malta? Just had the Mediterranean Sea air blowing in that blonde hair on the deck of a yacht?
With David Foster as he's drinking a glass of white wine, talking about the next Chicago album, going, the next tour. I don't know, man. Ever flicked his hair out of his eyes while he's talking about a wine festival? Ever just put on some Ray-Ban sunglasses with the convertible? Ever vacation in Cape Cod? Cape Cod. That's right. So Reese Witherspoon just married this famous agent. Asian? No, agent. Jim Toth. And that was her second marriage because her first marriage was to Ryan Felipe. Who cheated on her. We don't know that. Yeah, we do. He admitted to it. He was sorry, but he still did it. He stayed with her for a long time. That's right. Now he's with Amanda Seyfried. Well, Reese Witherspoon remarried and did not wear white.
No. Down the aisle. No. No. She's very traditional. She didn't wear white because she was already married with kids, obviously. I thought the tradition was that you always wore white. You wear white if you are a virgin. So then there would be zero white dresses sold in the United States of America if everybody was a traditional. Not zero. There'd be like five. Six. I didn't wear a white dress. I wore ivory. Ivory. That'll get you. You can skirt the issue. I wore ivory. That's cool. A lot of women wear ivory. I'll be wearing black. White's not really like... Are you admitting then to premarital intercourse on the air? No, I think that ivory's prettier. Oh, okay. I agree. She just thinks ivory's prettier. Oh, okay. And my grandmother's listening, dear. Darling, I thought it was terrible what Stephen did to you on the air. First of all, we know that you lost your virginity the night of your marriage. Of course, Grandma. Of course, Grandma. Now, you have now joined the ranks of womanhood. And I must say... 23 years of waiting is far long enough. I know. Now let's talk about opening of the flower. Oh. Oh, wow. Holy cow. How's that feel? That was visual. That was... Dear, where'd you go? Where are you, darling? She's leaving in her car. She's peeling out. I said that, and she ran out crying, jumped into her...
Very expensive automobile. And peeled out of the parking lot. Oh, dear. Was it the flower that got you? Grandma, don't talk to me about things like that. Perhaps I'll call her. Hello, dear. I was just talking about the flower when you ran out. I can't hear you, Grandma. Your phone's breaking up. Come back, darling. Grandma? Flower. Are you there? Flower. Oh, wow. Taking some Jay liberties over here. Man, clearly. You know, when Waverly gets married. Yeah, I can hear you now. I plan on giving her a wonderful, wonderful wedding gift. What are you going to give her? Some sort of chicklets that I bought at the border while coming back from Tijuana. Perhaps a ceramic Tweety. You can get a Tweety. Grandma, those are sweet, but you should get her. I know what I'll get her. You practically paid for my wedding. I'll get her a $4 wooden abacus that I buy from a five-year-old Mexican selling it at the border when I come back. Why don't you buy... I got you a trip to the Riviera. But for Waverly...
whom I love dearly. And the same as you. And the same and perfectly equal as you. Is that true? I will give her a packet of chicklets. But I love her just as much as I love you. By the way, here's some Super Bowl tickets for time. He's going to love that. Yes. I sent an old turd to Waverly's boyfriend. We, my... My grandma in our family, extended family, is the owner of the Buffalo Bills, Ralph Wilson. And every year they send us this big chocolate football filled with like little Buffalo Bill chocolates inside. And it's like this cool gift. Yes. And they give it to my grandma every year. And every year she gives it to me. Every year she gives it. What the hell am I anyway? Even my parents. Even my parents. My other sister. Every year you give it to me. Her brother. My brother. Why haven't we seen it in here and been feasting on Buffalo Bill chocolate? Actually, I had it in my car and was going to bring it to you guys. But then I gave it to my parents because my dad loves chocolate. Yeah. Here's the reading of the will.
And by the time you're reading this, it won't matter. I love Sienna the most. By the way, everything goes to Sienna. Excuse me, I'm Keith Richards. Is nothing for our family at all? My dad. Nothing for you. Nothing. Nothing. Excuse me, I'm Avalon. Avalon, you get nothing. What? Zero. It's me, Waverly. Hello, Waverly. Did I get anything? Not a thing, dear. What about me? Sienna? Was my name on there? Yes, Sienna. You get $4 million in cash. Oh, wow. You get my bungalow in the Keys. Uh-huh. What about the ownership rights to the Chargers? That goes to Sienna. Mom! Mama! To Waverly, to you I give my good luck. Hey, it's me, Taylor. Did I get anything? Yes, Taylor. To you I give...
My wonderful good looks. Avalon? Yeah? To you, I've given my witty charm. What? Mom. Sienna? Yeah. $8 million in cash. I'll miss you, but I love you. I would give you the good looks, but it's clear you've already got them. I do look the most like you, people say. Grandma, who gets your jugs? Sienna got those, too. Yes, I did. Sienna gets everything. They all got them. Actually, all three of us did, yeah. They don't just run in the family. And they got up. That's what she says. Giddy up. She also says, drop a rose when you fire up. If you want to just pass it along. Drop a rose. That makes me cringe. What? It's so delicate. It's not delicate. She's from Texas, too. And she's hilarious. Oh, my God. Trust me, Grandma's not dropping roses. Oh, God. Thanks, Jay, for the affirmation. My grandma's sweet little angel. She is. Both of them. Why does Jay have to say things when they hurt so? All right. I didn't pick stuff today like I usually do. To burn through all mine? Yeah. I'll give you something. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you what you want. Let me give you what you want. You want something from the musical Wicked? Excuse me? Well, that would be impossible because you don't have anything from the musical Wicked. You wouldn't. You couldn't.
No, I don't. Trying to sound like a man over there? Oh. Wow. Do you have something from Les Mis? What about Rent? Here we go. Rent? Annie? Here we go. Oh, yeah. A little AM gold. 98.7. Here's a question for M1s. You can call in with your response. What do you see couples do that you would never do? Maybe it's hold hands in public, and you would never do that. Maybe it's kiss in public, you would never do that. Maybe it's argue in public, you would never do that. Maybe it's French in public, you would never do that. Maybe it's 570-1949. Tonight's 8 o'clock album.
Kitchens of Distinction. Gary. Strange free world. Oh, so Kitchens of Distinction are on the 8 o'clock house. Yeah, well, it's because the demo went good and now we're... What do you see couples do that you would never do? Work out. French. Work out. Run. Run. Close the blinds. Dude, I'm dead serious. Me too. I am dead. When I see a husband and wife riding their bikes together. Careful, careful. What? Well, you don't want to like totally alienate us from every, you know, from couples that do this. Riding bikes is fun. Well, no. My thing. I love it. It's not because I'm fat and lazy. I'd rather be on the couch because I would. Yeah. It's when I see them riding bikes, he always looks miserable. No, he does not. I love riding bikes with my wife. Do you? I do. Todd likes it, too. At the light and stuff, the guy's always like, come on. She's always lagging behind. And I look at it, and it gives me anxiety. That's not what happens. That's what I see. I don't like when couples dress alike on an exercise. Oh, God. What? If they're wearing black track outfits. Oh, my gosh.
I saw an entire family when I went to Palm Springs last time, all wearing swishy black pants, black turtlenecks, and then Uggs. Even the kids, three kids. Oh, wow. That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Easy, Clark. I've seen that at Disneyland where they all wear the same shirt or something, but that's, I think, to not get lost. I don't like when they sit on the same side of the table. I do it. I do it with Jamie sometimes. Jamie doesn't like to do it, but I like to do it. I like to be close. Matt will do it sometimes if he's in the doghouse or something and wants to nuzzle up to me and say sweet nothings. You wouldn't like it if he sat down, put his arm, wrapped it through your arm? At a booth? At a booth. I love when I sit next to him. I like to look him in the eye and talk. Who wants to be turned sideways the whole time? You're loving him, you know? You're sitting next to him. Maybe if we're done eating, but if I'm going to eat, I'd rather be, you know. Across from somebody. Make eye contact. What about if you go into a restaurant and you're in the corner booth? One person has to stare at the wall and the other person gets to look at the restaurant. That's not fair. That's not fair. You want to look at things. I hardly ever sit in the corner booth. It happens to us all the time. Todd never will face the wall. It's always me or else we sit on the same side. M1 Artiste from San Diego. Hi. Hello. This cannot be true about your brother. It's true. What does he do? He picks his wife's boogers.
Oh my gosh. I believe that. It's not that bad. I believe that. Did you just say... It's not that bad. Sienna. Yeah, it's not that bad. Sienna. What? Sienna. I love bats, but I'll do it. Sienna. If there's like a clear bat in the cave, I won't like go digging for gold. But if there's a clear bat in the cave, just swipe it. Pick my nose right now. Not you, Matt. Pick my nose. Not you? She's not in love with you. I don't feel that way about you. Yeah. Sorry, I love you, but not that way. Pick my nose. I get Todd's, like, eye boogies in the morning. I'll swipe those. I'll get Matt's, and if he has a little schtuchus, like, pretty much anywhere, I'll get it. Rebecca does not get the boogers. If there was something there, yeah, I'd be like, oh, baby. You would get a booger? I wouldn't search in there. No, I'm not saying. But if he had one there, you would swipe it. pinch right out. You are so maternal. You are the most maternal. Lauren would too. It's okay. I'm always forgot. Oh, wow. No. Oh, wow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Why do you think this of me? Because I'm relegated to the corner here where you don't look at me. Oh, wow. I look at her so much. It's such an afterthought. She's not. I like your seat better than mine. Thanks. You guys should switch.
I can't. No, that would spin Mike out. Yeah, you both have nice seats. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. Wow. Just saying. Thank you, Artiste. I'm sorry. Thank you. Sorry about Jay. Yeah. It's all good. I bet Artiste has a nice seat, too. Good call, though. Hmm. It's been 20 minutes since I said something weird. Did you say you were an art? I'll let you paint. Since you're an artist, maybe we recreate that scene. Are you a sculptor? I'll be your model. Wiener time. Have you seen my wiener? Jay. Just asking.
I don't like when couples feed each other. I don't either. I was trying to go back to the topic. I don't either. I do it. I do it. I do it too. I don't do it all the time. Really? Are you guys that cute? No, but if you have something really good on your plate, you're like, babe, you have to try this. You're going to make them a little bite. I'm with L-O-B. And you're going to reach across and you're going to say, take a bite. How about you just... Get a fork and come over your head. You guys just cold-hearted real good? No, just take a fork and get it off my plate. Just have ice in your veins. I'm afraid I'm going to cut somebody's mouth. I'm like, I would let them feed themselves. You feed them with a switchblade? No, scrape the palate. First time eating off a fork? No. You shove it in somebody else's mouth. Todd were to make a little bite for me and feed it to me. Just one. Not more than that. That's weird. I love it. I do. I love it. It's sweet. No. Am I weird? No, I do it. I don't like when couples fight in public. Oh, I love it. I do that, too. I love it, too. Nothing makes me happier. You're right, Jay. It's fun. It makes me uncomfortable. I love it. M1 Bear from La Mesa. Are you there? What's up, guys? Good morning. Good morning. Hey, I don't like it when guys put their arms around their girl's neck, kind of like a loose, like...
Headlock. I don't like that either. When they're like walking down. Baby, you love it when I do it. Baby. I don't. I feel like I'm going to suffocate. You do not. Yeah, but pull me down. I put my arm around your neck and it's like I own you and you love it. You can only do that when we're wrestling. We wrestle all the time, baby. I know. And then I like it. And you pull my hair and I like that. Oh, wow. But not when we're walking. You know, the other day. Same J voice. The other day, baby. The other day, baby. When. When we was making love. We were making whoopee. We don't call it no love. When we was making whoopee. I just want to tell you. I thought it was weird when you put a pistol in my head. Why, baby? We was role playing. I was Bonnie and you was Clyde. I know, baby, but we was making whoopee. It was weird. Okay, I won't do that. Don't put no pistol in my head. What else can I do? Well. You like the baseball bat. No, I don't like it when you. Every time. Do stuff like that makes me feel weird. Can I wear a mask? You can wear the scream mask. Should I wear a red wig? Baby, you're being passive aggressive. And y'all know it. Dude, you're just sweating like no pig. What movie, Woods? Oh, it's... Say it one more time. Dude! Oh, that's Coal Miner's Daughter. Yeah, Coal Miner's Daughter. I would agree.
Jamie calls me dude. Dude? Dude. From that movie, Doolittle. When she used to love me. She called me dude. Remember that? Do you guys love again? Are you guys like patched up? I heard from her for like three hours. So I'll just go home and move by myself. Woods talked about a little fight he and Jamie had on the air this morning. And Jamie didn't respond to him. And then Mike kind of did the same thing. But I've made up with my wife. I have not. Don't rub it in. Probably won't. Yeah, don't rub it in, pal. Can I crash on your couch tonight? Woods. Stop it. You ever stubborn dig in? Kids dug in real good. Where is Hillary? She's running a little late. Hill to hill. All right. Let's see. I got a bunch of stuff that I haven't given you yet. So let's get to it. All right, let me hear about this. 70 metal books found in a cave in Jordan could change our view of biblical history. What is this? Well, they were just found in Jordan, and you have to see a picture of these books. I'm trying to find it. Here we go. Look at that. Would you like those for your collection? Yeah. And there's other pictures, but basically they're tiny books. They found 70 of them. It's an ancient collection, and they're lead pages. That's what they're made of, and they're bound with wire, and they're no bigger than the size of a credit card. And they have different images, symbols.
And words that they say refer to the Messiah and possibly even the crucifixion and resurrection. Really? Mm-hmm. That's kind of cool. But what does it say about anything? You know, it sounds like it's just a little credit card book that some dude made. Well, no, they found them. They're from, you know. A long time ago. Yeah, it says on that sheet, but I just gave it to you. 70 AD. 70 AD. I was going to say that, but I didn't want to get it wrong. I wouldn't think that they would have figured out the whole metal. wiring process then. Yeah, they said that after they fled in 70 AD, Christians fled in 70 AD, that's when they think this is from, that same period. I don't know what it really is saying, though. Do you think that those are on loan at the local library, or do you think they're kind of locked out? Probably not on loan. Either that or they're late. There's going to be late fees. I have a similar story, Mike. What's that? Pimping suspect in the Lawrence Taylor trial got seven years. So they're closely related. I thought you'd want to know. Thanks for that. Yeah. Huge. Tied that together real nicely. Strange. Yeah. It's a good segue, I thought. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. So Lawrence Taylor got probation. Yeah. And the pimp got seven years. Exactly. It seems fair. Oh, I wonder who had a better attorney. A pimp or LT. Yeah. Wow. Lawrence Taylor.
Sorry, Lawrence Taylor. Lawrence Taylor. Not LaDainian Thomas. Not LT. It bothers me when you say LT, too. It always makes me. Because for me, there's only one LT. Well, for the other billion people in the world, LT is Lawrence Taylor. I know. Or you could be talking about my seamstress, Lawrence Taylor. Lawrence Taylor. That's right. That is true. Commonly confused. Commonly. Hillary, what do you got coming up on the show? I grabbed new Radiohead and Modest Mouse, Rise Against Depeche Mode, Strokes and Space Hug. But I also grabbed... This new project that Jack White has done with Danger Mouse and an Italian composer, and it's based on old-fashioned Italian movie film music. I want to hear it. It's really cool. Does he ever do new projects? Jack White sings on it. Yeah, really? It's like his 27th side project. Yeah, I want to hear it. The album's called Rome, and the song Jack White sings on is awesome. And so I've been begging.
Garrett to let me play it, and we're going to bust it out. He's out six, so it's easy to get some things passed him. Sneak it in. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and talented Hillary is coming up next, and we'll see you tomorrow morning at six. The Mikey Show's out.