The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 09/09/11
Friday, September 9, 2011
acting auditionscelebrity interviewspersonal grooming habitslegal testimonysocial media jokesanimal welfarehair salon experiencesventriloquismrocky auditionjason isbell interviewlocker room towelcourtroom pantsing
The show opened with Jay’s Rocky audition alongside Lauren O'Brien, followed by an interview with Jason Isbell hosted by James Lipton. Lauren then shared her locker‑room towel habit, leading into a courtroom‑style bit where Jay was accused of pantsing Stephen Woods and testimony about his size was given by Ron Jeremy. Later, Lauren reacted emotionally to Matt Commerce’s Facebook prank, Jay told the story of wanting to shoot an injured rabbit with Rebecca’s urging, Woods recounted his salon deep‑condition with a plastic bag over his head, and Eskimo closed the segment with a ventriloquist dummy routine.
What happened, in order
Rocky Audition
Jay attempts to act the iconic Rocky beach scene with Lauren O'Brien playing Adrian, delivering lines from Rocky III.
Jason Isbell Interview
James Lipton welcomes musician Jason Isbell (referred to as Jay) for a light‑hearted interview about his favorite word, inspiration, and perfection.
Locker‑Room Towel Habit
Lauren O'Brien explains her quick‑towel routine when changing in locker rooms or on the roadside.
Courtroom Pantsing Testimony
In a mock courtroom, Jay Isbell is accused of pantsing Stephen Woods, and witnesses testify about Woods’s underwear size.
Facebook Profile Picture Prank
Lauren becomes upset after Matt Commerce changes his Facebook picture to a cropped photo of himself with an Asian woman as a joke.
Injured Rabbit Incident
Jay recounts finding an injured rabbit in his backyard and Rebecca urging him to put it out of its misery with a gun.
Salon Plastic Bag Deep Condition
Stephen Woods describes a humiliating salon visit where a plastic bag is placed over his head during a deep‑conditioning treatment.
Ventriloquist Dummy Bit
Eskimo brings a wooden dummy to the studio, attempts ventriloquism, and the dummy’s lips move while she speaks.
People mentioned
JayLauren O'BrienNickyMickJames LiptonFionaGlennChris AukermanMike EsparzaStephen WoodsRon JeremyMichael ShannonJason PriestleyRyan
35,832 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
The old man that does acting has become a staple of the Mikey show. And the idea is that, you know, Jay considers himself Jack of all trades, Jay of all trades. And that he is capable of just about everything, including acting. So what we do is we do an audition. We hand him a script he's never seen before. And he has to act that scene out. Now, this scene comes from the movie Rocky 3. It's a very famous scene. It's the scene where Rocky and Adrian are on the beach. Rocky is down on his luck, man. He's got a big... Oh, shirt shimmy, shirt shimmy.
Rocky has a big fight coming up. He's starting to question his own gut. Nicky just died. Nicky died. Oh, no. It's crushing. Who knows what it's going to be like now? Now that he's got to do it all on his own. He's questioning his own fire. Does he even have what it takes? Was he ever a real champion? That's right. Or did Mick just string him along? That's right. Give him easy fights. Yo. And so I now present to you Jay playing Rocky. The role of Adrian will be played by our very own Lauren O'Brien. Yeah. Yo, Woods, thanks for the script. Oh, no. Do you maintain that voice? Yeah, I think I will. All right. Can I talk to you? That's my line. That's my line. Oh, okay. Maybe you do that line then. Quick. Cut. Sorry. Oh, you want me to do the ones in yellow? The colon. Yeah, do the ones that I highlighted for you. I'm not a smart man. All right. Are we ready? Yeah, let's do this. Okay. Can I talk to you? I want to ask you something important, and I want you to tell me the truth.
What? Oh my gosh. Oh no. Why'd you come here? I just don't want to do it no more. If it's over because you want it to be, I'm glad. I do. It's just, you've never quit anything since I've known you. I don't know what you want me to say. I mean, what happened? How did everything go so good and so go bad? How did everything that was so good get so bad? There we go. What's so bad? Tell me, what? I wrecked everything, but I'm thinking for myself. I couldn't make you tell me where you really was at. You didn't have to carry me alive. What made me think about it was? What? You know what I mean? I don't know. You need to enunciate a little better. Yes, and no more Austrian. I wrecked everything, but I'm thinking for myself.
Why couldn't Mickey tell me what he really is at the start? He didn't have to carry me alive and make me think I was better than I was. You never lied. I got to turn the page. Oh my, there you go. Those fights weren't right. I never fought anybody in their prime. There's always some angle to keep the title going longer than I should have had it. Do you understand? You've got to understand, he loved you. That was his job, protecting you. Protecting don't help nothing. It makes things worse. You've got to wake up one day thinking you're a winner, but you're not. You're a loser. So we wouldn't have to have the title so long. So what? At least it's been real. It was real. Nothing's real. You don't believe who you are. Oh, my gosh. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. That's it. That's not it. Why don't you tell me the truth? What did you put me through? You don't want to know the truth. I don't want to. I don't care about that. No, this is you. You got kids. I don't lose what I got. You spit everywhere. Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, man, who does acting? Oh, my God.
He's the old man with the poetry. It's the greatest thing I've ever done. He's so good he's on the money. He's really stepped it up. An actor with ability. Oh, my gosh. He blinded me with acting. Yeah, he did. He actually did. I'm not blind. I'm blind. Wow. Oh, fantastic. I'm starting to believe everything everyone says. I know, me too. Wow. Jay, I'm going to go home. And I'm going to listen to the podcast no less than 12 times. The running of the words together was my favorite. You can understand anything. Mush mouth. And bravo to L.O.B. for knowing when to come in. Yes. Being able to follow along. Being able to follow along because she had to know when he was done. L.O.B.'s performance was... It was top notch. Yes. It was great. When you work with somebody good, you tend to rise to the occasion. I mean, in your case with Viagra, but... Gross. I'll show it. I know you will. Stop, Jay. I know you will. Oh, boy. Wow. I know you will. I don't want to see it. Everyone, this is James Lipton. Inside the active studio. Will you welcome...
And join me in welcoming one of the greatest gifted actors of our age, Jason Isbell. Yes, yes. Thank you. It's good to be here. May I call you Jay? Absolutely. Jay, what is your favorite word? Irreverent. Jay. Where do you get your inspiration? You know, I look inside myself. What do you see? Just a man trying to do the right thing. Oh, my goodness. Jay, how are you so perfect? Just surround myself with good people. May I touch you? Not again. Oh, so great, Jay. So great, dude. I'm so impressed by you right now. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Look at Fiona.
Everyone was right. He is amazing. He is what you say. Finally. Sorry, I choked up. He's emotional. We have sort of touched on this before, but I never tire of this. 5701949. L.O.B. wrote in her recap that she was that girl. in the locker room yesterday. She went to the gym? Yoga. There's actually a locker room in there. She went to yoga and she said, you know, are you born with it or do you just stop caring one day? What she's talking about is she still does the quick slip in and slip out with the towel around her as she's changing. You know, if she goes surfing and she's changing on the side of the road, she'll do the quick towel deal.
And when she's in a locker room, she'll do the quick towel deal. Now, she doesn't know if it's how her parents raised her or if she's too uptight. But what she does know is she can't be naked locker room girl. Okay. Now, when it comes to guys, what I have observed is that as younger guys, we are inhibited. As we become older. And our chest pubic hair becomes whiter. And our hair becomes more silver and white. And our eyebrows become more silver and white. We lose the inhibition. And we don't mind standing in front of the mirror using the gym blow dryer. With a comb in our hand. And that's all.
Not one stitch of clothing. Just completely nude. Legs spread apart. Standing, blow-drying your hair. Just as God made you. Just as God made you. In your birthday suit, just combing that hair, that silver fox hair back. Now, I've always wondered, what is it? person how do you get so comfortable and and i and i mean it genuinely not it's not a rhetorical question it's a real question how do you become so comfortable 5701949 now maybe the answer is i'm well endowed what says that's not the answer because woods is well endowed no i but i've seen he doesn't do it i've seen some guys in there that i'm like
They're not well enough. Put a freaking towel on. It's not like I'm embarrassing yourself. It's not like I'm trying to date you. Still, though. What are you going to do? Still. Jay, are you naked, gym guy? I just don't care if anybody sees me naked. I don't have no hang-ups when I'm naked. Naked. I would if I were Jay. Stop, Glenn. Don't be jealous. You're so mean. I'm not. At all. Oh, my God. Really? Chris is senior, as he said, wasn't that impressive? Did he? Yeah. Chris right now is like a deer in the headlights. Yeah, Chris is like, I didn't see anything. He saw everything. Yeah, he did see everything. I hear a lot of talk about it, Woods. Did you, Chris? You saw him? Was it super impressive? Be honest. Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't look at him, Woods. Remember where we're at. Mike. Was it impressive? He's looking at Woods. Don't look, Woods. He nodded. He did a so-so. Oh, what is he going to say?
I'll show it to you. You want to see it? In the bathroom next break, I'll show you. You'll be impressed. Woods has always maintained. I'm saying you've maintained. Chris is like on the stand. Come in here, Chris. Oh boy, really? We're going to do this like court. We have to explain why Chris saw it. Yes, we do. Look at poor Chris. What? Wow. I'm on the stand. State your name for the court. Christopher Aukerman. If it pleases the court and the prosecution and the defense, may I ask questions? Yes. Defense? Yes. Mr. Aukerman? Yes. Where were you yesterday morning at approximately 9, 10 a.m.?
I was getting a coffee out of the microwave. Poor guy. For whom? Hey, excuse me. Get out of here. Objection. This is a defendant. If it pleases the court, may I continue? Yes. Mr. Aukerman, who was the coffee for? Actually, yeah, the coffee was for you. And when you say you, can you, for the court reporter... Mike Esparza. Got it. And at that time, Was Mr. Jay Isbell in the room with you? No, he was not. He was not. Where was Mr. Isbell? He was in the second half of the studio, the main studio. Main studio. Got it. What about Mr. Woods? Mr. Woods was in the actual doorway of the two studios. Okay. And can you tell me what happened next? What happened next is Jay Isbell. That man over there.
Can you point to him, please? Yes. Just pointed to the defendant and he ran. Pants, sir. Oh, excuse me. I'm not familiar with these young people terms. Objection. It's not just young people. Mr. Isbell, in fairness to the court, is 97 years old. Sustained. Sustained. I'll rephrase. Thank you. For those that don't know what pantsing means, can you tell us what that term means, pantsing, what you understand it to mean? Removed the pants of Mr. Woods. Was Mr. Woods. To his knees. Revealing something. Excuse me. Amazing. Yes.
Now, are you telling the court that he was, in fact, wearing pants as in jeans? He was wearing workout pants. Workout pants. Yes. That have never been used. Elastic waist. Elastic waisted. Elastic waisted. Almost practically new. Well, he's had them for two years. And you're telling me Mr. Isbell pulled his pants around to his knees? Yes. Now, where were you standing when this happened? Directly in front of Mr. Woods. Okay. Now, did your eyes happen to make occasion with any private areas of Mr. Woods? I did witness Mr. Woods' private areas. Would you describe these areas as below average, average, or above average? Objection. What is average? Point of reference, please, counsel. Yes, we have an expert witness that will now testify as to what average is. Your qualifications. First, sir, state your name. Ron Jeremy. Mr. Jeremy, your profession, please. Professional film, adult film actor. Mr. Jeremy, what is your testimony in terms of average?
I would say average is approximately six. And we don't need to go any further, Mr. Jeremy. I think we know what six means, even though I disagree with that being an average. Small. It is small. Is the average guy. Anyway, so, okay, back to you, Mr. Aukerman. Yes. Would you describe the witness in question as below average, average, or above average? Remember the state. Shut your mouth. You must remember the state it was in. Taking into account the state in which it was in. Rigor mortis. Centrification. Surprised. It appeared to be above average. Thank you very much. Why is that? The prosecution rests. They're high-fiving. They're high-fiving. What's up, dude? Good job, Chris. I now call to the witness stand Mr. Woods. Hello. Thanks for having me. State your name for the court, please. My name is Stephen Woods. You silly sausage. Your wife, I hope she's not listening right now. My wife's mortified. Mr. Woods. Yes, sir. Mr. Woods. Are you telling the court that the testimony that you just heard is true? Yes. Yes.
Can we see exhibit A? Of course. I'll show you. Can we not? I don't want to go to jail for exposing myself, but I'll show you in the bathroom if you want to see it. I will show you. Sign me up for that. Isn't that weird? He wants to see it. He's the weirdo. No, I think you're full of monarchy. Are you... I have my next question. Are you part Serbian? Today, yes, I am. Are you an Eastern European? Today, it would appear. If disrobed, I would appear as a 40-year-old Serbian man. As if a 40-year-old Serbian man was nude on the beat. I thought Mikey got you a groomer. He did. I've been in a state of depression since I broke my ankle, and I can't really do much, and I miss playing baseball. I have let myself go a tad. Just a tad.
So I've got about a week left. I've let myself go. I've let myself go a tad. I'm going to clean house next week. Mr. Woods. Yes. I would like to issue you a formal apology. Thank you very much. And I would also like to congratulate you on your genetic makeup. Thank you. Thank you. I think one would have to be envious of such a situation and, you know. Be careful what you wish for. It's a bit of a curse. Oh, my. Shut up. Objection. You're my defense attorney. Easy, Jason Priestley. Easy. Easy, Jason Priestley. Oh, my gosh. Objection thrusting. You're my defense. Now's our chance. Let's do it. More from the Mikey Show coming up. Be a part of the show. I don't think it's that simple. 570-1949. Or shoot him a text at 949mikey at gmail.com. I'm beginning to like the sound of that. FM 94.9. We string up the old 1927 Gibson for the 4 o'clock blues break. From vintage Robert Johnson or Muddy Waters to the Black Keys or the White Stripes and everything in between.
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There is a problem. The Orange Line is still down between Euclid and Orange Grove. Hey, if you are using any city services, you might want to dial that 211 number. That'll give you city information and help you out if you're wondering about buses and things like that. We do have an accident that happened in Escondido, Kwanalola Drive at Oakview Way, an injury accident. This is west of the 15. It's a car wrapped around a pole. Medics and CHP are on the scene. And we've got backup. A lot of slowing as you come through, Santee. Everybody's out. In Santee, they don't want to stay home, it looks like. Maple View Street to Prospect Avenue, it's about 25 miles an hour. Through La Mesa, it's a little tight. On the 125 northbound Lemon Avenue, 21 miles an hour. And we do have some delays on the westbound Taylor Street, 163 southbound. That whole area is in the teens. And you know what? That's kind of normal slowing for this time of morning. This report brought to you by Rhodes Bacon Serve. Rhodes warm and served. Crusty rolls, artisan rolls with a crunchy crust. Outside, a soft, moist center inside. From freezer to table in eight minutes or less. Rhodes in your grocer's freezer. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9.
Back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. When I used to be on the radio and my name was Michael Shannon, and I wore suspenders. Woods. Don't lie to me, dude. You lie to girl, okay? You don't lie to me. Lauren. Yellow means speed up. Yep. Yellow means hurry up and go. And Jay. So what if I like to surf every day? On FM 94.9. Ryan is someone who Woods coined the phrase, and another brick falls. oftentimes tell us about something very interesting about her, but it happened months before. It's kind of her style. And you will go, how did you not tell us this? This is one of those instances. She posted a tweet that said, Netflix knows me better than my boyfriend. Her boyfriend is Matt Commerce, her BFMC. And she says,
Matt brought it up in a joking manner and said, you can't get mad at social networking jokes. And she said, oh, yeah. And he brought up the time that she cried when he changed his profile picture on Facebook as a as a joke. Crazy. See, one time she was giving him a hard time about not having his relationship status set for about. And he didn't have his relationship set for about 30 seconds. He changed his picture to a cropped picture of him and an Asian girl that came to one of his shows. See, he plays he plays music. It was just a random girl that came to one of his shows and took a picture with him and he cropped it and he put it as his profile picture. That's a joke. You know, just be funny. He was kidding. And Lauren started crying.
She gathered up her things and was going to leave his house. Oh, my God. And he had to stand in the doorway and talk her into staying. Blocking you? Yes. Blocking her? Yes. It sounds so much worse when you say it. Let me tell you. Knowing... Knowing Lauren, I bet she was like, let me go. I'm leaving. Get out of my way. Could we do a reenactment? Oh, my God. Can I be Matt? Sure. Do you remember exactly how you did it? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Oh, we're going right to the doorway thing? I'm here. Do you want me on the mic or should I go? You're not leaving. Yeah. You're not leaving my house. Yes, I am. I'm serious. I was kidding. No, I don't want to spend any more time here. Why? Because I'm done. It's a joke. Yeah, it was really funny. You're the only one laughing. You're a comedian. Leave the jokes to me. He actually says that all the time. He does. You have a sense of humor, babe. I don't like an Asian woman. I do like jokes that are funny. I love you. I'm not in love with this Asian woman. Aren't you? No. Then why would you put that picture? Oh, you want your friends to comment? Oh, look at the hottie. Oh, my God.
I was kidding. I swear. You know I love you. And it was really funny. Are you really mad? You've now ruined the night. Hold on. Oh, my God. Are you doing a bit on me now? No, I'm mad. You're mad. I'm mad. You're about to cry. I already cried. I'm done crying, and now I want to leave. Is that what happened? Yeah. Oh, so you weren't even crying when he was in front of the door? At that point, I was just mad. Because you were done crying. I had already gotten the tears out. I started crying. Are you listening? I started crying. What's that, Lauren? I'm sorry. Are you listening? I'm sorry. Are you listening? No, no, no, no, no. Are you listening? Yes, but I can't understand what you're trying to say. Are you listening? All right. She's not that bad, you guys. I see it. I get it. It sounds way worse. I started crying and then he started laughing at me. Oh.
For crying. He was like, are you seriously crying? And I was like, sure. Yeah, I am. And it's not funny. And you're me. You're me. Now, how did he react to that? He was still, and he was like, oh, come on. You cannot pull that. See, now me, if it's me and the crying starts, that's when I go into, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Are you kidding? Well, if it hurts somebody to the point where they're crying. Well, wait, wait, wait. Hang on, Woodsy. Hang on. Hold on. Hang on. Here we go. Hang on. Here we go. Hang on. Now, I got to say, I got to say, that doesn't happen very often. Now, if it was a regular deal, maybe I'd be desensitized if it was a regular thing. But in my world, that doesn't happen. So if it did, I'd be like, oh, my gosh. Can I show you what it would sound like at the Woods household? Oh, you jerk. You ready? Yeah. All right. Where are you going? I'm leaving. You're leaving? Why? Because you're a jerk. I'm a jerk because I made a joke? Yeah. But I work on a morning radio show. Oh, easy, Jason Priestley. Babe.
I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I was doing a joke. I was making a joke. What were you trying to do? Why are you crying? Are you insane? Yeah, I'm insane. Yeah, lock me up. I'm insane. You're seriously leaving my house? Yeah, I'm done. Get the hell out of here. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I've heard this. I've heard this a million times. Get your stuff. In my ears. And get the hell out of my head. Wow. That's me. That would go over well. Now, if you did that, if Matt did that, that would be a second breakdown, right? Like, if he said get out. No, I would leave furiously and then probably ignore several phone calls that better come in to apologize. And then maybe make out with a black guy. Maybe. Wow. In a retail. Or at least fabricate some story that I did. I would be so... I would go through the roof. I mean, through the roof. He wasn't really... I was expecting him to nudge a little bit more and feel bad about it, but it was just such a ridiculous thing that I was crying about. And it was like... It was a Friday night, which you guys know. That's Ella B's bit is when she gets tired. At the end of the week.
It was already, like, I wanted pizza. And it took forever to get the pizza because you wouldn't get off Facebook. And I was like, come on. Time of the month. Yeah. Yeah. It was a number of factors. It was the pizza. I was tired. It was that time. And I was like, Dave, you better take that picture down. Quick, before someone comments. Oh, my God. I just... I think, like, you know, here's the deal. I'm going to be honest with you. I think more marriages need a little danger in them. Now, I don't know fully what I mean there. I'm not suggesting that we need fights and drama. I'm not. But all I'm telling you is that sounds so fun. I'm just being honest with you. It sounds weird. No. No doubt about it. And there's people right now probably going, but it reminds me of those days that there was a little danger in your relationship. You know what I mean? You're not sure of how things are going. Rebecca and I used to do this. Rebecca and I used to do this. And again, I'm not suggesting that couples that are married do this per se. But what I will say is that...
I bet every man and woman listening right now that's married goes, there's some of that, hearing that, that's a little funny and like, something about it I kind of miss. There's the girlfriend being irrational. Like your wife, Rebecca's not irrational. When we were dating, she would be a little irrational. I would be a lot irrational. And sometimes it was sort of, now it was unhealthy, but it was exciting a little bit. It's like swimming in dangerous waters. Swimming in dangerous waters. Where you're trying to get your girlfriend, you're like, babe. And there's something that feels good about her upset jealousy. Yes. There's something that's kind of like delicious about it. What do you think would happen if we took to the airwaves and asked all M1 men? To change their profile picture to a picture of them in another one. Gosh, Woods. What would happen? I would love it. No. No. It would be so bad. That's not nice. As a bit. Like Matt's bit. It was a bit. Do you know what he changed it to after that and kept it up for weeks? What? A close-up picture of just my face.
He's fantastic. That's fantastic. He's fantastic. I made him take it down, and he was like, okay, I'll put a new one, and closed up, like, grab a picture of just my smiling face. Fantastic. I like him so much more. And it made me cry even more. Oh, my gosh. And he couldn't stop laughing because he was like, come on, that's funny. Come on. That is funny. He was like, now everybody knows who my woman is. That guy is able to get her. He gets her. He gets her. In a relationship, though, you kind of know how to, you know. I was laughing about 20 minutes later, but. That's fantastic. It is. And when Bill from Carlsbad. Yeah. Hey, how you doing? Good. You guys are freaking killing us here. I'm on a commercial construction site. We stopped work doubled over with last week. Hello, B. You are delicious. She's delicious. Dynamite. She's delicious. Now, and everybody that's listening, here's the thing. You've got to know as you're listening to this. This girl that's saying this, she's a good-looking blonde girl. You know, she's a good-looking blonde girl. A comedian. She's a stand-up comic. Was crying and saying, take that down. I don't know how you guys get feedback, but you guys are amazing. Thank you. You're hilarious.
You guys make the morning, man. Keep it up. Thank you. I want to hear about crying once a week. I know. You can hear plenty. It happens more than once a week. Thank you, bro. Matt should keep a journal of my tears. A tear journal. You know, I'm usually very good at expressing myself and communicating, but I know I'm not articulating this correctly. I don't know what I love so much about the story. I can't articulate it, but there's something about it that, as a guy, freaking great it is i think it's the control factor you've got her right where you want her i'm just speaking what's happening in my brain i know a lot of people are like that's not very healthy fine maybe it isn't all i'm saying is is that you know he kind of had her at that moment where she i wish she would call it i wish that my boyfriend mac commerce listened to our show so that he would call in right now because He has admitted to me several times that, okay, sometimes it makes me sad. Most of the time it makes me sad. But sometimes you cry and just gets me. It gets him. It gets him. Yeah, it gets him. And it's so sick. It's so sick. Admittedly so. Woods, you're not relating to this, are you? No. I get mad. Yeah. I would be so furious at her.
Furious. And beyond furious. Like, hurt, sadness, fear. I'd be hurt. I'd be sad that I was dating a crazy person. And I would be afraid that I was dating a crazy person. First of all, it's not crazy. It isn't. It's borderline. It is not even... It's not even in the same zip code as crazy. Thanks, Mike. It's not, though. Okay, crazy may not be the right word for it. Dude, she doesn't have... She's got estrogen. I know. You know. For now, at least. Woodsy. What? Oh, my God. She has estrogen for now. For now. Woodsy. Yes. Was your mom a crier? No. Okay. My mom was, has always been, is currently, and will always be a crier. And by that. I don't feel like I told him in the right way. By that, what I mean is. is that if I say to her, and this has always been the way that it is, if I say to her, yeah, mom, if my mom says, hey, what'd you do yesterday? Oh, I was hanging out with Woods. He was kind of bummed out. How come? Oh, I guess his uncle passed away over the weekend. My mom would go, oh my God. Are you kidding? Yeah. Doesn't it make you mad?
It makes my brother Steve mad. It would make me mad. It makes my brother Steve mad. If you go, is that you, Sienna? Yes. Like, that easily? I cry whenever someone's sad. I get really sad. It really affects me. Here's the deal, though. Do you get sad when somebody isn't sad, but they're telling you about something that is sad? And they're clearly not sad. Like, I'll say, yeah, Mom. found out that there's a band uh that was touring they're not going to tour anymore because they were in this terrible bus accident oh my god no i would lose my mind yeah flat out now i will tell you this rebecca does not do this and i am very see because that is different you know that's different but i'm used to it Now, there's probably some people that grew up with a crier, okay? And so when L.O.B. says that she does that and Matt says, and that dude that just called in says that he's loving it, there's this weird part of you that's like, oh yeah, my chick's crying because I changed my Facebook picture as a joke. I admit that it sounds very strange.
Yeah, and for the record, I'm not calling L.O.B. crazy. I'm saying she had a crazy moment. No, she had a crazy moment. She's not crazy. She's a cool chick. She's one of the guys. She can, you know, whatever. But that little scene is bat-ass crazy. It's absolutely crazy. It is not crazy to me in my world. In fact, it's kind of... I can see how Matt... There's a fine line. It's kind of cute. It's sort of adorable. At the same time, extraordinarily annoying. Really, what do I do with this situation? It's interesting. It's weird. It's a lot of different things. I wish that Matt Commerce would call in. Text him or something. He's probably still sleeping. He was on the East Coast for 10 days and didn't sleep at all. So he said, I just want you to know that I'm going to take... I'm not going to set an alarm. I'm probably still going to be asleep because he's sleeping at my house right now. He's like, I'll probably still be asleep by the time you get home. Oh, really? This is the first time I've talked. I've been making ice cream. If you want any, you'll be nice to me. I love Jay. We better be nice. Keep it together.
I wish that, like, if you could have seen... I'm not going to talk the rest of the show. If you could have visually seen what went down without any words, it was like... And put it, like, set to, like... Yeah, how fast. And then I grabbed my overnight bag and was shoving things back in. Oh, my gosh. And he's blockading the door physically. He's holding his hand on the door. I'm sidestepping him. Were you grinning at all? Oh, no. There was no, like... No, I'm leaving. No, no, no. Because that would make me laugh. But if you were serious, like, hey, get your hands off me. I'm leaving. And I was exaggeratingly sniffling and wiping away tears as I gathered my things. I was like, no, I'm just going to. I don't even want to be here. Where is my phone? Hit the bricks, pal. Would have been my advice. Hit the bricks, pal. Listen. I'm going out tonight with my guys. Different strokes, different folks. I know. He thought it was hilarious. That's why you guys were made for each other. I guess so. Period. 570-1949. We're going to do the Wheel of Pain at 8, which means that it's coming up in just a second. M1 John is calling in, and that's a great Am I a Monster question. M1 John from San Diego. Are you there, John? Yeah, hi. Ask the question. Well, I've got to set it up first. I live in an apartment. I've been there for almost a year now.
getting mail for the people who used to live there and at the beginning i was sending everything you know return to sender you know they don't live here anymore kind of stuff and i finally got tired of it so every now and then you know i'll just i'll throw away like credit card offers but if it looks interesting i'll just look open it up see what it is oh my gosh last week i opened up a 13 year old girl's birthday card and the bad part is there was $100 in it, but I can't return it once I've opened it, so I went ahead and kept it. Score. Oh, my gosh. We just call that a payday. Yeah. Oh, wow. I call it Jasper's College Fund. Yeah. I call it serendipitous. Yeah, I just looked at it as gas money for the time I'd been to the post office to return all the mail they'd gotten. Fair enough. Maybe it's me. I'd throw it away. I mean, I would never open it because there's zero interest in it for me. You just cost yourself $100, pal. I probably would because I don't, like, I get somebody's mail, I'm like, oh, nuisance. Garbage, garbage, garbage. Oh, great. I have more garbage. Just stick it back in your mailbox and the man will take it, the mailman. He's going to think you just didn't gather it up. No, if you put it in a certain way, like if I have mail sticking out of it, he knows to take it. You guys have a really cool relationship. You guys don't do that? This is The Mikey Show on FM 94.9.
I got a crazy story for you guys. Crazy story. Crazy. Yesterday, Jake's therapist came over and said, hey, there's an injured rabbit in the backyard. I said, really? And I said, how injured? She said, pretty injured. She said, looks like a cat got a hold of it or something. I said, uh-oh. So I go out there. Sure enough, there's a rabbit. And it sees me and it goes away. So I go back inside and I tell Rebecca, sure enough, there's a rabbit out there and it's injured. And she goes, babe, put it out of its misery. Don't let it suffer. And I did the look behind me bit. Like, who? Who's babe? Oh, me? Me? Put it out of its misery? Who's our new friend, babe? Yeah, who's babe? You got to. And I go, because she felt so bad for it. And it was suffering and she felt bad for it.
And so I said, well, OK. I said, the only way I could do it is I'm going to have to shoot it because I got a nine millimeter. And she goes she goes like this. She goes, no. And I go, well, what do you want me to do? And she goes, well, can't you like and she's thinking because she that she had that hadn't occurred to her. Like, well, how do I? And so she goes. well, can't you just do something to its neck or something? And I go, babe, I go, you think that the more humane thing is to do something to its neck? I go, what am I going to do? Be Crocodile Dundee and like crawl around back there and find it and like corner it like Rocky chasing the chicken? And she goes, well, I don't, I don't, I just feel bad. So there I was in the backyard.
With a 9mm H&K. What? Are you out of your mind? It's the backyard. You're not supposed to discharge firearms like that. No. I now know that. Didn't know at the time. And it is crazy loud. In a neighborhood? I never discharged the firearm. Wow. I didn't have to. Now, I had this rabbit in my sights. And I was thinking to myself. Oh, man. I wonder how loud this is going to be. So this is what's happening in my head. I wonder how loud this is going to be. Now, the rabbit can move around and hop and everything. You should have called the Humane Society. Freaking animal control. Freaking animal control. Animal rescue. You and Rebecca are wanting to kill snapnecks and cash tax, dude. Hang on. It couldn't hop. It couldn't hop, but it could walk. It probably just needed a little surgery. I'm not dead yet. Do you guys want me to tell you the deal?
You don't want me to tell you. Oh, I want. No, no, no. No. No. But do you want me to tell you what the condition was? Amputee. I don't think you... Do you want to? No. You don't want to know, right? Yeah. He's pretty torn up. It wasn't even torn up. It was so strange. It was weird. You know what it looked like? It looked like James Gumm had got to him and said, are you about a size 12? And cut the... I was skinning him. It was like a perfect... You know, this cat... A few stitches. Yeah. We're overrun with them. We're overrun with rabbits. They're cute. It's going to bring snakes. They're sweet. Snakes are not sweet. Rabbits are. They can be domestic pets. Don't mess with the food chain. Just don't start killing animals. Do you think that you should let an animal suffer? No. Woods, you monster. You call the humane society. Woods wants rabbits to be tortured. No way. Woods. You have a t-shirt on right now that says, I want rabbits to suffer. It's not going to work. He's eating rabbit stew and wearing a rabbit hat. Just use your machete. What? Jay! Oh my gosh. Dude, call the pest control. Animal control. We have. Rancho Coastal Humanity. Pest? They're not pest. You know what I mean. They don't come out.
for a rabbit. Hey, we called them for birds, little baby birds. Call me next time. I found a turtle that had been run over and they came out. You call me, I'll handle it from now on. Really? Yes. Here comes Captain Call out then. Guess who I was FaceTiming with at the time that we found the rabbit. Why do you guys FaceTime in the first place? Why do you get angry that we FaceTime? It's so weird. I didn't want to see it. I was FaceTiming with Woods when it happened, and Woods was like, I'm getting off the phone, dude. No, I said I don't want to see it. Yeah, you don't want to see it. No, I don't want to see it. Well, how come you didn't come over and take care of it? Because I thought that you would call Animal Control. I didn't think your wife was going to say, go break its neck. Or, I'm going to get my gun. It's a rabbit. Just call the thing. She wanted to put it out of its misery. What do you think they're going to do? Surgery. Stitches. Well, first of all, we called them for little baby birds that fell out of a nest. Nobody cares about birds. You are unbelievable. What? You are uncensored. You are unedited. You are unclean. Mikey Show on FM 94.9. Hey, Rhino here. Welcome to my habitat at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. Oh, look at that zebra.
You ever just like stare at one? Mesmerizing. Those stripes totally mess with my mind, you know? Oh, there go some humans on that flight line. Your species is crazy. Ziplining over the entire savanna, buzzing my head like a condor. Oh, man. I wish you could see this. Mama gorilla carrying a baby like a backpack. Girl, he ate school supplies. Oh, check it out. Humans on a caravan safari. Hey, get a picture of my horn. Or just feed me some apples. I'm cool either way. I'm a rhinoceros. Animals are at home at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. Come explore their habitat on our flight line, caravan, or a variety of other safari adventures. To choose your safari, visit SanDiegoZooSafariPark.org. And see spots run at the park today. Cheetah Run is now included with all safaris. Safaris start at just $40. For details, visit SanDiegoZooSafariPark.org.
Hey, gang, it's your old pal, Woodsy, once again for my favorite place. You've heard me talk about it. You know it. You love it. It's Denny's. What is better than Denny's? Their new menu. It's Let's Get Cheesy. Basically, what they're doing is they're taking breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and they've made a creation all celebrating cheese. Who doesn't like to celebrate cheese? I will put it on anything you know that. They got a new three-egg omelet. It's called the Cheese Please Omelet. Listen, it's a delicious omelet. It's got cheese folded right into it, topped with creamy cheese sauce, hash browns, choice of bread. They got everything you want. Also, you know what's awesome? Cheese with dessert, okay? Strawberry cheesecake milkshake. The strawberry pancake puppies with cream cheese icing. You know it. You love it. It's Denny's. They are doing all kinds of stuff. It's the new Let's Get Cheesy menu from Denny's, available all day, every day for a limited time only. Let's Get Cheesy. Dishes starting at only $4.99. At Boy's Head, we work hard to make our oven-gold turkey the best it can be. It's pure turkey breast, slow-roasted the old-fashioned way.
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And you'll be just in time for our huge three-day sale going on now through Sunday. You'll find fantastic savings for the weekend and all week long. Vons, ingredients for life. Age restrictions apply. See pharmacy for details. Coupon expires one week from issue. Other restrictions may apply. This report, it's brought to you by Kohl's Department Store. Don't miss Kohl's Power Shopping Sale this weekend. Four full days of Kohl's. Most powerful prices throughout the store. All day Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The more you know, the more you Kohl's. Kohl's expect great things. Well, it looks like trolley service has resumed, so you should be able to use that. It's the 8 eastbound at the 125 normal services there. You shouldn't have any problems. That orange line, though, I guess, is still delayed. You shouldn't have any problem as you come through the freeways. For the most part, we're seeing a regular commute. I'm seeing the biggest delays. We're down to 17 miles an hour. Other than that, you know, the 8 looks pretty good.
The 15, I don't see any real issues. The 67 northbound Riverford Road to Prospect Avenue, that's in the teens right now. This report also brought to you by In-N-Out Burger, where the shakes are made with real ice cream. In-N-Out, that's what a hamburger's all about. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. And now back to The Mikey Show with Mikey. I got a box of... You know, stuff in the mail because I like to shop on the internet. Lauren. I'm not a crier. Woods. I used to drink a lot. And Jay. How about you let me raise my own kid? On FM 94.9. We had planned to do a little news and sports here. Maybe for sports, we'd just say the lockout is still kind of going on. Sure. And, you know. I don't know how much weight my voice will carry in the sports world now. So. Still carries weight. It still carries weight, bro. Does it? Yes, it does. A lot of weight. Kick me when I'm down. Let me see. Yeah, Jay, you listen. I'm going to call back the police dog right now. You are a police dog. You need to heal. Oh, I just saw the picture. Oh, my gosh. There are 67 comments. Nice Bieber. To explain. To explain. This sucks. L.O.B. There's nothing really else to say about that. L.O.B. suggested to Woods.
Did he go to, what's it called? Hyde Edwards Salon. Edward Collins Salon? Hyde Edwards. Hyde Edwards. That's down in Little Italy. And Woods went and apparently got a permanent, I'm not sure, we'll find out in a moment, but your friend? Yeah, my friend Rissa, she works down there, and she took a picture, unbeknownst to her, that I was going to use it against. Right. Mr. Woods. Right. She said, when are you going to come back in and see me? And she took a picture saying like, hey, Woods is down here. Where the heck are you? Right. My wife also goes to Rissa and got her hair extensions. Got it. And now let me try. I'm going to do my best to describe what I am looking at. Now, L.O.B. sent me this photo yesterday.
Unbeknownst to me. Thank you very much. Unbeknownst to Woods, and I will tell you that I stared at the screen. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And made an instant decision not to call Woods. Yes. I texted it to you and said, you're welcome. There are 74 comments. Oh, my gosh. First comment was from Woods, who kept hitting refresh until he found out what it was. And when he did, he went, oh, God. And his comment is, oh, no, please, no, please, no, please, no. OK, so what we're looking at is what looks to be a very chic, high end salon. Beautiful. A lot of ladies go there. Yeah. I can see why just from the photograph. It looks very avant garde and at the same time, very contemporary. Very comfortable. Chic, chic. Very nice word. In the photograph, you can see the various ladies magazines.
appears to be a mademoiselle. And then you see a large woman sitting on a leather chair wearing jeans, flip-flops, and what appears to be a plastic bag around her head. She's wearing a black smock and she has one of those hair dryer domes over her head and is reading like an Elle magazine or something. Cosmo. Particularly interested in the article of how to get the best lift for your roots. Yeah. How to please your man. I'm going to read some of the comments. Adam, M1 Adam simply wrote, holy S. M1 Richard wrote, amazing. M1 Ryan put it best when he put dot, dot, dot.
My sentiments exactly. M1 Morgan wrote, my jaw dropped. M1 Edward wrote, can I get an updated pic with his new perm? M1 Clint wrote, ha ha ha ha ha. The PHC don't come easy. PHC is what Woods calls the perfect haircut. Damn straight. M1 Scott says, well, at least he's reading a Playboy. Wait, that's Cosmo. True story. M1 Ashley wrote, amazing, Hollywood's is at his finest. M1 Anthony, I think, also put it well when he wrote, hey. M1 Jordan said, what's up, Big Perm? Big Perm. Ah, Big Perm. Okay. M1 Richard wrote, you know how I know, dot, dot, dot. M1 William wrote, Woods. WTF, dude.
But I'm all woman. M1 Mindy wrote... You ever just get your tips frosted real good? WTF? That means we're the friends, right? We're the friends. Why the face? M1 Aussie... M1 Aussie don't. Who, by the way, is brilliant. Yes, he is. Wrote... Easy, Snoop Dogg! I wish I knew how to quit you. M1 Darren wrote... You want to talk about it, Woods? No, Woods. I think Woods. M1 William posted, Ever just posted an all-time great picture. If you want to see the picture we're talking about, go to Facebook.com slash Mikey Show. M-I-K-E-Y-S-H-O-W. Like the page and scroll down a bit. You can see a picture of a man, six foot tall, good-looking man. Believed to be a man.
Wearing a black smock with a plastic bag over his head under one of those big domed hair dryers. You know how I know you're gay? How? Because you macrame yourself a pair of jean shorts. Are we still friends, Wood? It's debatable. I don't care. Oh, you should. I don't care. You should. May I speak? He had to be deep in that article to not notice the picture being taken. Trapped, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. I don't care. I have a perfectly good explanation. I'm not done. I'm done. M1 Spencer. M1 Spencer wrote, Woods is reading 10 ways to keep your man happy. M1 Laurie. M1 Laurie writes, made worse by the fact that he's reading Cosmo. What's the only thing there?
It was the only thing. It was. To your defense. To my defense. To your defense, there was no Sports Illustrated. Correct. That's because men don't go there to get their hair cut. True. Listen, now you get to decide, Woods. I am fully prepared to defend you. But maybe that would be emasculating and you'd rather I don't. And you would just rather speak to this photograph. But I'm fully ready to defend you. Fire away. Anything you got. Okay. I'll take them all. I'm going to defend you. May I defend you? Yeah. I don't need defense. Yeah, of course you don't. There is nothing to defend. Listen, Woods is a dude's dude, and that is that. He has currently got a big dip of Copenhagen in his mouth with a Yankees cap turned backwards. That makes you a man? No, it does not. I know a couple women that are dudes.
Had his fair share of the ladies. Now, to everyone else's defense, he did work at a place called the Mashed Potato Club. Yeah, do you remember that, Woods? Do you remember that, Woods? Of course. It was a gay-friendly place. I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden. Now, he is, in fact, a man's man that not only likes baseball, but plays baseball. Yes, on a semi-professional pay-to-play adult league. We don't pay-to-play. He drives a truck. Mm-hmm. Just turn that up. I wish that were louder. You make it louder. Please don't. I'm still trying to figure this out. I see that. It's been a year and a half. Longer. But who's counting? New system. Ow. Yeah. So there you go about Woods. Woods is a man's man. He doesn't need to finish. I will say this, though. That's an odd picture. Yeah. It was a... Private moment.
Yeah. You thought. I had this. Well, let me start. May I start at the beginning? Please, please, please. The other day, we had a meeting. I took my hat off, and you took a picture of me with my hair. I had a hat head, and it's long. I've been growing my hair out. More than likely. Yeah. Working hard at it. Yeah, I've been working hard at growing my hair out. I've always wanted long hair. I finally have a job where I don't have to get a haircut if I don't want to. But I'm all woman. Not all woman. Blow and blow. Can I finish? Yes. So you took this picture and some girl made a comment on there that said, wow, Woods has really let himself go. No, that's not very nice. Let me tell you, I called the wife in from the other room and I go, my quote was, are you effing kidding me? That was my quote. You are a smelly pirate hooker. That's not a very nice thing to say. So it's a safety hazard. It is. I have weird kind of. kinky hair, like it's kind of, it's curly. So L.O.B. And L.O.B. Beautiful hair. I'm leaving. No, don't. I'm leaving. No, all right. That's it. That's the last one. I'm done. That's the last one and that's it. You're going to let me talk or I'm leaving. We're going to let you talk. Okay, okay. So L.O.B. and my wife Jamie said, you need to go see Rissa at Hyde Edwards. She's a wizard with hair. Of course. And I said, okay, I'll try it. When I got there.
She recommended, Rissa, recommended a deep condition. Yes, a deep condition. Wait, wait, wait. Woods. You went there, though, for what now? Well, I had a nice little Thursday planned out. I had a 12 o'clock appointment to get my hair cut. I was just going to get a haircut. That's what I thought was going to happen. At this place. I was going to get a haircut. At Hyde Edwards. I wanted to try. She's a wizard with, like, kinky, afro-type hair that I have. You don't have. Quote. I do. Kinky. Yes, I do. Afro type hair. Yes, I do. I have these little curls in the front and on the sides. I get hit on by black girls all the time. Fair enough. He has textured hair. Yeah. I have the same. It's wavy. Yeah. So anyway, I go to her and I'm talking to her at first. But I had a nice little Thursday planned. 12 o'clock appointment. We were going to get out of here.
I was going to go get myself a nice sandwich down in Little Lily. Have a nice day to myself. Of course. Have a private day. Just for me. Not for you. Not for her. What? How dare you try to frame this as if you went by yourself because you wanted a long time. Yeah, I did. You didn't want evidence. You didn't want witnesses. Well, no. It's a haircut. You didn't want anyone. Do you have a camera crew following you and you go get your manicure? No, but you know what I do. And I didn't hear. Hide nor... Hide... Hide Edwards nor hair. Nor hair of you. Right. It's a private thing. You... Private! Hello, Miss Lady. I was trying a new thing, and I wanted to try it by myself. And I like Little Italy. Great sandwiches. So I went to get a sandwich. So it was kind of a win-win. So I get a sandwich, and I go in. And I'm talking to her, and she goes... She takes my hat off, and she goes, Wow, that's a lot longer than it was at Coachella when I met you. And I said, Yeah. I said, well, what can you do with it? She goes, well, I think first things first, we need to start with a deep condition. And I said, okay, what does that entail? And she goes, well, I'm going to put this on there, I'm going to put this bag over your head, and you're going to sit under this heat lamp for 20 minutes. It's a bag, Woods. I said, okay. And meanwhile... Look at the fun bags on that horse helmet. Can I tell you... Yeah, no, I'm sorry. You know what? That was the last one. Let me tell you the caliber.
of beautiful women working in this salon. Oh, yeah. Try to blame it on that. No, no. Point out you're straight. Yes. No, I was mortified. Mortified. I picked up the Cosmo because I didn't want to look anybody in the eye. I understand. Now, you are saying that you were mortified. Yes. But that picture doesn't say mortified. It says relaxed. It says confident. It says relaxed. It says I... I'm having a ball. A zen moment. I'm going to hang out with these two smoking hotties. He's having a zen moment. So anyway, I got the deep condition and it was awesome. And then she cut my hair. Yeah. And I had asked her, what do you think about maybe straightening my hair at some point? What do you think about it? Just an idea. And she said, you said that. Yeah, I did. She said, you can't do that. She said, men would kill for the waves that you have in your hair. Shut up. She said, true story. That is a quote. She said, you're lucky. You're lucky you have them. It's true. Are you listening to that, guys? Fellas? Yeah, you would kill for these waves. So, that's it. Hey, listen. I'm going to look like a fat Bradley Cooper after this, all right? So don't worry about it.
Oh, my God. It's better than I thought. I don't care. I'm going. Let your voice be heard on The Mikey Show now. Call 570-1949 or shoot him a text. 949mikey at gmail.com. More of The Mikey Show coming up in minutes on FM 94.9. Hey M1s, this is Jesse of the Overnights. Sorry to interrupt, but I've got a couple of important pieces of information. Because of the power outage last night, there has been a precautionary boil water notice for the Scripps Ranch area, Miramar, Tierra Santa, San Carlos, La Jolla, Bernardo Heights, Otay Mesa, and Redwood Village area. So if you are in any of those areas... Please be careful what you're drinking. Boil that water before you do anything with it. All public schools are closed today. Private schools may be open. You'll have to check those out on your own, but public schools are closed. And SDG&E wants to know if you have an outage in your area still. Report any outages to 1-800-411-7343. Again, SDG&E does want to know if you have any outages in your area.
1-800-411-7343. Please be safe. Please take care of your loved ones. Have a great day. Live from Progressive. Flo here. With more discounts than ever before, Progressive can save you a lot of money on your car insurance. Savings. Oh, you can get bigger savings than that. Savings. That's close, but you can really save a lot of money. You're going to get some savings. Better. Discounts for safe driving, owning a home, and more. Now that's Progressive. Call or click today. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and its affiliates. Mayfield Village, Ohio. Prices vary based on how you buy. Discounts not available in all states or situations. Live from Progressive. Let's take another call. Hey, Flo. Ever wonder if you offer too many discounts? Never. Homeowners, safe driver, snapshot, pay in full. Right now, we offer more discounts than ever. Doesn't that seem a bit excessive? Wait. Is this Bill and Tom from another insurance company? Hang up. Hang up. Busted.
Getting you all the discounts you deserve. Now that's Progressive. Call or click today. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and its affiliates. Mayfield Village, Ohio. Prices vary based on how you buy. Discounts not available in all states or situations. Boar's Head Oven Gold Turkey Sandwiches are being stolen every day. To defend your sandwich, put yourself in the mind of the sandwich thief. Now, you open the fridge. And knowing everyone is off to the big meeting, you consider whose lunch you'll steal. There's a tub of Mindy's macaroni surprise, which you don't want to touch. There's a horrible-looking foot-long mess that's obviously subpar. Ah, there it is. A Boar's Head Oven Gold Turkey Sandwich. Turkey doesn't get any better than this. The best quality pure turkey without preservatives, without fillers, without ground-up, questionable things. And so you swipe the Boar's Head. Of course, knowing how desirable Boar's Head Oven Gold Turkey is, The sandwich owner may be ready for the thief. Gotcha! Oh, is this your sandwich? It looks exactly like mine. Nice try. Boar's Head oven gold turkey. Compromise elsewhere. Try a slice of Boar's Head premium deli meats and cheeses in select supermarkets, gourmet stores, and fine eateries. You've been a good person. Coached your daughter's soccer team. Pulled all-nighters at the office. Planted trees in the neighborhood open space. So, who exactly is going to reward all your sacrifices, hmm?
Uh, that would be you. Right now through October 31st, at the Lexus Certified Pre-Owned Season to Change Sales Event, you'll get 1.9% APR on every vehicle. And everyone undergoes a 161-point inspection, is factory-backed, and comes with a three-year, 100,000 total vehicle mile warranty, roadside assistance, and complimentary loaner car. But hurry, because you're not the only one out there who deserves a reward. See your Lexus dealer in Carlsbad, El Cajon, Escondido, or San Diego. 48 monthly payments of 2,165 per thousand finance. Call 1-800-USA-LEXUS for important APR program limitations and offer details on the unlimited number of customers who qualify. No down payment required of qualified warranty is three years from your date of purchase or 100,000 total vehicle miles for outside assistance coverage only available in the continental U.S. See your certified pre-owned Lexus dealer for details. Offer ends October 31st, 2011. Don't miss the return of Morrissey. Special guest, Kristen Young. November 26th. at the California Center for the Arts Escondido. Tickets for Morrissey go on sale Friday at 10 a.m. at Ticketmaster.com or at the California Center for the Arts Escondido box office. Morrissey, an all-ages event. Produced by AEG Live.
Right now, get two croissant-wich breakfast sandwiches with sizzling sausage, melted cheese, and fluffy egg for just $3 at Burger King. It's the kind of deal that shines brighter than a thousand suns, magnified by a telescope that hasn't even been invented yet. This two croissant-wich for three bucks deal is the kind of deal that the world's cutest baby panda would stop mid-sneeze just to marvel at. The kind of deal... You get the idea. It's a good deal. The two for three dollars breakfast for sandwich deal. Only at Burger King. For a limited time, price and participation may vary. Breakfast hours only. Single item at regular price. Tax extra. There is some slowing as you head through Santee this morning on the 67 northbound Wintergarden Boulevard to Woodside Avenue, 19 miles an hour. Hey, those trolleys are running in case you use a trolley daily. It is working. You don't have to worry about that. Buses are all working, too, so you can save some gas and get out of this traffic. The 52 westbound, it's solid here. Santo Road all the way down to the ramp from the 125.
23 miles an hour. El Cajon's a pretty tough one, too. The 54 northbound, the 8 connector all the way down to Braham Street. It's 13 miles an hour. There was an accident here on the 5 northbound past Pershing Drive and another problem here on the 163 northbound on the East Friars Road off-ramp. Those traffic lights, that's one of them that's not working correctly. Just treat it like a four-way stop. An accident, the 8 westbound past Mission Center Road. This report also brought to you by... San Diego County Toyota dealers. Toyota owners, your neighborhood Toyota dealer, has a $25 mail-in rebate for any True Start or True 2 battery installed. Why wait? Visit the experts today. See your participating Toyota dealer. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. It's time for the FM 94.9 Authentic Surf Report. Good morning to you. This is Bert from Bird Surf Shed with the FM 94.9 Authentic Surf Report for a Friday morning. This is being brought to you by... Birds are shed, so stop by and say hi. Surfwise today, looking at a little bit more action as we've got some west-northwesterly wind swell that's filled in a bit overnight. That's crossing up with some fading southwest swell to give most areas waves that need a waist-high zone, top open spots, maybe a few chest-high plus set waves on the rare set occasion. Surfwise cleanliness is looking okay, though. We've got some clearing skies and light and variable winds, partially offshore at some areas. That's holding up the faces of some broken-up lines and selective peaks.
making them look pretty fun and doable. Reef breaks, not so much right now. Ties getting lower. They might come on a little bit later, but I think it's going to be more all about the beaches today. Water temp likely to take a spike down, though, as that wind swell generally drops out of water pretty quickly. Bear that in mind before you head on out. For up-to-the-minute surf reports, forecasts, go to surfline.com. And for all your surfboard repair restoration needs, go check out Joe Ruppers on Marina Boulevard. The FM 94.9 can be heard three times daily right here on FM 94.9. This has been the FM 94.9 Authentic Surf Report. Yeah, this is the life. Mikey. Oh. All right. And now back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. I love watching human beings in their natural habitat. Woods. I have a fear of dentists. A fear, like when I go to the dentist, it's palpable. Lauren. I'm more apt to listen to a specialist than a general practitioner. And Jay. You guys don't make homemade ice cream? Say what? On FM 94.9. Did we tell the cricket sheriffs? No, we didn't. But you can. Yeah. I enjoyed it. I'm sure you're going to.
Play it up like you always do. Just exaggerate it. The studio audience already heard it. But I was at Woods' house on Saturday, and I had on a pair of shades. And Woods comes over, and he goes, dude, dude, dude. You see my friend over there on the baseball team? You know what he's saying? I go, what? He goes, a crooked sheriff. And then he laughs. I mean, he laughs like it's the... funniest thing he's ever heard. And I go, ah, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. And so five minutes later, he comes by. He goes, hey, Crooked Sheriff. Everything okay over here? Or are you just over here being crooked? And I go, ah, Crooked Sheriff. Stone cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm stone cold. Ah, Crooked Sheriff. And so he comes back over a little while later. He goes, hey, Crooked Sheriff. I'm going to go inside. You want anything?
Does the crooked sheriff need anything? I love it. You did look like a crooked sheriff. You did. To his defense. I mean, just like you pull into town and he's the kind of guy that's like, oh, you got a flat tire? That'll be $7,000. Aviator's on. Crooked sheriff, man. You're so crooked, Mike. Hey, you don't know what I call you a crooked sheriff? Why? You just look like a crooked sheriff. Hey, Mike. You want to know how many Crooked Sheriffs are here right now? One. And it's you, Mike. Hey, Mike, you should change your Twitter name. Crooked Sheriffs. Crooked Sheriffs. And then when people write you, they put, at Crooked Sheriffs. Crooked Sheriffs. I was a tad over-served. It was my birthday.
And I'm entitled. Hey, what are you going to do? Try to juice me for a couple hundred? What are you doing at my party, cricket chef? Hey, invited to the cricket chef. He's taking notes with his eyes. He's taking notes with his eyes. Hey, somebody just gave me a fake sensation. You know who did it? The cricket chef. Someone tried to grab my wife's butt. The cricket chef. Hey. Only the crooked sheriff will do that one. 5701949 is our number. Maybe the crooked sheriff doesn't get an invite next year to the crooked sheriff party. It's a good time. Woods throws a party. Mrs. Woods throws a party. I was ziplining and surfing. You're listening to The Mikey Show on FM949. Here is Rebecca Black's new song. It's called My Moment. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Phone screen to Chris. He's bopping his head. Sounds like the stuff I tried to write. Here's what I picture. I picture an 18-year-old brother that still lives at home, even though he's 18.
And he complains to his mom that his sister is really loud in her room when she's recording her stupid stuff. And it sucks anyway. And his dad has told him, has sat him down and said, seriously, while cursing, if you effing make your sister cry again by telling her what you told her the other day about how she sucks and all that stuff, you're out of here. And I'm not joking with you anymore. You'd knock that off. A kid is busting her butt. That's all she's got is that stupid music. And I know it sucks too, but you can't talk to her like that. You can't talk to her like that. Quit talking to her like that. I don't care, Dad. It sucks. What did I say? I don't care, man. She blasts it. Don't take it. Okay, I'm sorry. Don't take your buildup. Cutting her new single. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. It's all I hear. My moment. My moment. We get it.
It's your moment. It's not any worse than Miley Cyrus. It is too. It's way worse. It's pretty bad. It is too. I could go in the bathroom and do something on my phone with Songify and it would be better than that. True statement. Do it. We're not allowed to talk about that. What? L-O-B, what you just brought up, right? We're not? No, because you said that we can't talk about that until the Monday after Thanksgiving. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I meant literally right now I could go. I have an app on my phone that auto-tunes. All right. And I could do a better song than Rebecca Black. You think I can? I would like to see. Let me leave now. I'll give you, I'll give you, I'm going to start the timer. I'm going to give you three minutes. Oh, wow. You better hurry. You better hurry. I'm going in the bathroom. All right. That's where I do all my recordings. You can email it to me, right? Okay. Countdown. That's awesome. Called her bluff. She's not doing that. She's recording a song. Hold on. She's trying to go. Rude. Rude. Disgusting.
She's not doing that. There's about a thousand men that just vomit in their mouths. Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are in a movie stupidly entitled Friends with Benefits. That's right. Stupidly entitled Friends with Benefits. It looks horrible. She looks pretty good, though. Yes. She's beautiful. Gosh, she's beautiful. Here's the two of them on the Today Show yesterday. I do want to talk about you both have become the bells of the ball. The Marine Corps ball. What is the story? Mila, you're going, right? Yes. He's going too. You got an invitation as well. I got an invitation to a completely different ball. Yeah, it's two separate balls. Apparently there's multiple balls. Yeah, Marines have a lot of balls. Marines got balls. They do. Semper Fi has been replaced by Marines Got Balls. We want to pay honor to our country and embrace their balls. What?
We're attending both balls. How did this come about? Separately. Separately, but together. Do you think we can combine the balls? A double date? Yeah, like... Yeah, sure. I mean, well, I'm pretty sure there's protocol with marine balls. Or protocol. Wow. How many ball references can we make? I don't know. Apparently 14. You guys have done pretty well. I'm over these two clowns in a big way. Completely over these two clowns with their Marine ball bit. And now all the Marines are doing bits and they're asking other people to balls. Hey, Mila, why did you say yes to going to the Marine Corps ball? Well, I'm not sure when it was posted. I found out about it during the press junket last weekend. And it was the first reporter who asked me. And I was like, honestly, I haven't seen anything about it. And Justin had seen it. And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen it. You have to do it. And I was like. Like, why not? I've never been asked out on a date in my life. I know. I believe that. It's an honor. Too hot? Yeah, they look all beagle, so handsome. You know our friend Lori? Yes. Married to Kelly? Yes. Sharp dude? Yes. Where would you put Lori on a scale of 1 to 10? Good solid 9, 8 and a half, 9.
Yeah. No offense. I mean, it's beautiful, though. She's beautiful. I mean, she's gorgeous. No one asked her out. Come on. Dude, guys don't ask out good-looking girls. They're afraid to. Did you do it, L.O.B.? That's crazy. Did you email it to me? Here it is. I would always ask out the good-looking girls. All right. Me too. L.O.B. just went and recorded a song in the bathroom, and let's see if it is as good as the new song from Rebecca Black. It's already better. It's already better. She's either a crackhead or a genius. A genius. Sound like a Gaga song. Oh, thank you. Hello, Bree. It's outstanding. It's quick, dude. She just went and cut a song. I am an angel. It's called I am an angel. The angel of light. I am an angel of light. Do you get to hear the music when you do that, or is it just you? You only have a couple choices unless you buy them, and I'm not going to buy the beats. You know that. Hello, Bee.
Finally signed up for Amazon Prime yesterday, which I'm surprised at because I didn't think you spent money on Amazon. Well, it's the free trial, so. If it says the word free, like she'd get jock itch powder if it was free. She doesn't have testicles, but she'd be like, oh, it's free. What am I going to do? Someone can use it. Yeah. I'll find somebody. Do you realize that they're going to hit you one month and you're going to be like, wait, wait, oh my God, Amazon Prime. I want Amazon Prime, but when I went to go buy it, it was like, try it free. And I was like, oh, okay, I'll do it. Well, here's the thing. You guys know, loves me some Amazon. Yes. I mean, love it, love it, love it, love it. I love it. And the reason that I love it is because you can get anything on Amazon. And when I say anything, I'm talking about groceries. I'm talking about clothes. Oh, yeah. I'm talking about electronics. Anything. Name something. Besides animals. You can't get animals on there. You can't buy animals. Big Mac. Well, you have to go to McDonald's for that. Okay, so you got me. Alright, name something else. Weird. Name something weird. Ketchup. You can get ketchup. Fur coat. You can get a fur coat. Nitrogen. You can get nitrogen. You can get anything on Amazon. I use it all the time. I like books. I like music. I like toys and electronics and things like that.
And so for my birthday, I always say, please, because I have to work off an allowance and I always run out of my allowance. And so for birthdays and Christmas, I just tell people, please get me Amazon. Don't get me anything else. I love Amazon. I love it. Well, Amazon Prime, you pay $75 a year and they'll deliver everything you order in two days. Oh, it's outstanding. And if you want to upgrade. For $3.99, you can upgrade it to one day. Now, are only certain things eligible? No, everything. That's why I was getting confused. No, everything. Everything you get. Well, excuse me. Now that you are right, there are some of the vendors that don't, they just don't do that. Okay. Okay? But most things that you get will be there in two days. Well, it was telling me I would qualify for free super shipping if I just added on six more dollars to my order. Did you? Yeah, I was ordering the most random stuff. I was like, I could use that. What did you get? Some oils. Oh. You creepy sex pervert. You're a sex pervert. No, I don't use perfume. You drive a van. I don't. Well. You drive a white van that doesn't have any windows. It's got curtains. Wiener time.
You got oils? It's like scented oil instead of... I don't use perfume, so it's like... Oh, boy. It's patchouliated up real good? No, one of them was called Egyptian Goddess. Oh, my gosh. The other one was called Coco Mango. Oil. Auric oils. Can you... Auric? Auric oils. They come from the mountain of Rivendell. You must climb deep, deep into the mountain. Fields of Heather. Plas. Plas. Plas. An angel of light. She's an angel of light. I understand it. You're making me want it. Hot stuff. Lauren. Yes? I hold in my hand a bottle of Auric Blends. Yes. Fine perfume oil. Yes. Four fluid ounces. Yes. Can you tell me why do you prefer oil? Smell it. Oh, just so people know.
This little bottle is approximately four inches, and when you open it, it's got a rolling thing, like a little band roll-on, you know, like a roll-on deodorant thing, like a ball, little ball. That's really pretty. It's nice. It's really pretty. Yeah, it's nice. Wow. Ooh, that's not bad. Let me see it. It's not bad at all. Okay. Ooh. Now, I'm going to interview you because it's not very often that you talk to a female sex pervert. Now, let me ask you this. I'm not a sex pervert. Aren't you? Let me ask you this. Yes. Don't be afraid when I ask you this. Okay. Where do you apply that? Right here, like on my pulse points. On your pulse points? Yes. Okay, that's under the chin? Under the chin and on the wrist. On the wrist. Those are the three places that you apply. Or four, I guess, right? Yes, four all together. Each side of the chin. Who introduced you to oils? Was it a marijuana smoker? Yes. I have been wearing that stuff since, like, high school maybe. And it was a marijuana cigarette smoker that... No, I used to be really into the Grateful Dead and, like, the Nag Champa. Well, who? Yes, of course. Of course, the Nag Champa. And that was at one of the hippie stores that I went to, and I'm hooked.
Sometimes it's hard to find, so lo and behold, Amazon had it. How much for? $7. It'll last me for six months. $7, Mike. 975 query. 975 query. So cheap. The reason is because people use exquisite oils. Fascinating. Hey, all I can tell you is the girl smells good. What do you want? What do you want? How you doing, baby? I'm embarrassed. Oh, man. That's good stuff. That's good stuff. Talked to my dad yesterday. He is 76 years old and just obsessed with finding out where his great-grandmother lived in Jalisco, Mexico. Hmm. What is it? Why do we... That's history. That's interesting.
Is it? I'm going to go visit where my relatives are from. In Ireland, in Poland. You're going to get a lot out of that? What do you do? Journal? I'll stand there and go. Look at this. Let's go get a beer. Here he once stood. This is where he stood. Me good. Called the Mormons again. What? They do better genealogy. And they said that for $100, they can find my grandma. Who did that? The Mormons. What are you going to do? I'm going to find my Nana. Dad, she's got to be gone now. Yeah, she'd be gone. Have you guys seen the Ancestry.com commercial? I was watching one last week. This guy goes, hey, yeah, I signed up for Ancestry.com and found out that
My great-great-grandparents live next to the right brother. I looked at the TV and I was like, so? Who cares? I do. Who cares? You don't care. I do. I think it's a bit anyway. I don't even think it's real. They're like, who should we say? What are you going to say? What are you going to do with that? Thomas Edison. Thomas Edison. Thomas Edison. You bring it up at parties. It's like bragging rights. Really? People are like, you're a clown. Hey, you guys. I was related to Betsy Ross. I am. Allegedly. Allegedly. Do you have any proof? My grandmother told me. It's always Betsy Ross. Yeah, I think I heard when I was a kid, my middle name is Lee. And so, obviously, being in the South, you're related to Robert E. Lee. Sure I was. Yeah, sure. I'm sure I was. Yeah. It's hysterical. Of course. I'm going to be related to Cesar Chavez. Of course. Of course. I just picture this little lab in Minneapolis, and there's 15 dudes sitting around. They're like, oh, we got another dude on the line. Here we go. All right, this guy is from Pittsburgh. You know who's from Pittsburgh? Thomas Edison. Orville Redenbacher. Orville Redenbacher. Let's go. And they just start filling in the names. They write him back. He's saying,
Babe. Babe. I just found out that I, my, my uncle was related to a woman. He's like, gosh darn it, man. We got to like invest in that company or something. It's in my, maybe it's in my blood to make popcorn. That probably explains why I always get popcorn. Babe, you know how I always get popcorn? Every freaking time we go to the movie, I get popcorn. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. It's making sense. It's all coming. I know who I am now. I was sitting there. I was watching. I started dying laughing. The first thing in my head was, so? His wife's friends come over and they're like, it smells like popcorn again. And she's like, Dan. Called Ancestry.com. And they told him that he's freaking related to Orville Redenbacher. And now he's like, it's his thing. It's like his hobby. It's his calling. It's all he's doing. Like kettle corn. We've got caramel. Caramel cheese. He's trying Parmesan on there. You guys want some? Old Bay seasoning on this one.
We heard on The Mikey Show now. You've got to go. Call 570-1949. Here comes the best part. Or shoot him a text at 949mikey at gmail.com. You guys care about the rules? More of The Mikey Show coming up in minutes. Celebrate. On FM 94.9. Hey, it's Hillary, and today at noon on FM 94.9, we're doing Desert Island Discs. So what three records would you have to have with you if you were stranded on a deserted island? Are you the Bob Marley sublime Johnny Cash type? wouldn't Arcade Fire James Addiction Trio float your boat or your raft? I don't care if you pick Black Flag, Melt Banana, and Celine Dion. All right, let's not go that far. Tell us your three favorite records now at fm949sd.com and listen today at noon. Desert Island Discs on FM 94.9. So I'm at Verizon shopping for 4G, and I say to the sales guy, listen, I want Verizon 4G LTE speed, but I also want selection. And he goes, We've got a ton of advanced Verizon 4G LTE devices, like the new Droid Bionic by Motorola, the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1, or the My54510L mobile hotspot that lets you connect up to five Wi-Fi-enabled devices. So I say, smartphones, tablets, and hotspots. Not bad, but in my head I'm thinking, is it the 10, the 5, touchdown! And then I say, yeah, but is Verizon 4G LTE really that fast? And he says, yep, up to 10 times faster than 3G. Whoa.
And now I'm going. They're going for two. Got it. Come to Verizon for the largest selection of 4G LTE devices and tear it up on the fastest, most advanced 4G network in America. Visit any Verizon store today, verizonwireless.com slash 4G LTE, or call 1-800-256-4646. Verizon. Coverage details at verizonwireless.com slash 4G LTE. Hi, this is Jack, founder of Jack in the Box. Let's talk to Ronnie on line one. Jay Box, I'm about to drop some knowledge on your listeners. Drop away. All right, check this out. I drop a monster truck limo. Want to know why? Because that's your job? Nah, bro, because I go big or I go home. Boom, that's how I roll. Okay. Yeah, I got a 99-inch flat screen mounted on top of my shock aquarium. Know why? Because I go big or I go home. Yeah, well, I've got the perfect thing for you. My new jumbo breakfast platter. It's huge. Scrambled eggs, hash browns, eight mini pancakes, and your choice of bacon or sausage, all for just $2.99 plus tax. Aw, yeah. I'm going to get ten of those breakfast platters. Know why? Because Ronnie doesn't want to go home? True that. Because Ronnie lives with his parents? Yeah. Try Jack's new jumbo breakfast platter. It's scrambled eggs, hash browns, mini pancakes, plus bacon or sausage, all for just $2.99 plus tax.
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The 20s to 17 miles an hour. Also, the 94 eastbound. Some delays. Bancroft Drive to Kenwood Drive. Pretty slow there in the teens. And as you travel over the 94 eastbound, you've got delays from the ramp to the 5 all the way. Let's see. The ramp to the 5. If we could just keep this map in one place, we got a good shot to 28th Street. It's 10 to 12 miles an hour. This report brought to you by Napa. This September, stop into any participating Napa Auto Parts store or Napa Auto Care Center. You could receive up to a $50 mail-in rebate with the purchase of qualifying Napa Breaks products. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. Lauren. I washed my hands like a thousand times when I could. Woods. I don't like to be tickled because I squeal like a little girl. And Jay. Hey, I like to skateboard. On FM 94.9. Cheerleader apparently fell down four stories but survived by doing a mid-air backflip to save his life. Hello. I thought you just said that a male cheerleader fell four stories and then did a backflip that saved his life. I thought you said that. I did.
I did, in fact, say that he you know, that's not an easy thing to do. But if you are so inclined and you're, you know, athletic and you already know how to perform these kinds of maneuvers, then you can do that. More than likely. And that's exactly what he did. He is a male cheerleader, 19 year old Dylan Smith, and he's a male cheerleader for the University of Kentucky. And right now he's home after all of this happened. Earlier this week, he was teaching a class at a cheerleading school called Superior Cheer and lost his balance, fell from the fourth story building. But then his instincts kicked in and he did a backflip in midair. Thanks to the flip, he was able to adjust his body position and land right on his feet. And I don't know what the East German judges gave him for that, but I'm guessing probably a 10. He didn't stick the landing, though. He didn't stick the landing. He's teaching class on the roof? I guess. He teaches on a field. Dislocated his hip, though. But he's doing good. He's doing good. Guy's going to be all right. Now, we were talking...
earlier about this email that we got. We got an email from a M1 that cleans windows on buildings. And he said that he has a fear every day when he's up there that he will be sniped. Every day. Every day. Okay. Can you imagine? Very distracting. Can you imagine every day of your life you're up there doing your thing? And you're like, you're having your burrito at lunch and you're like, I made it. I made it. I freaking made it. I'm halfway home. I'm halfway home. I'm halfway there. I'm halfway home. I know the feeling, though. Pretty much every morning I think that somebody is going to jump out and kill me when I get into my car or when I walk into the building or in the elevator or the elevator is going to stop. That's a lot of irrational things. I have one when I'm walking down a sidewalk. I know.
I just know that a car is going to jump the sidewalk and slam into me. Every time I'm walking down the sidewalk, like on kind of a busy street, I'm like, oh boy, who's this kid driving? This kid looks like he's 16. I'm like, oh God, oh God, oh God. I start to kind of ease away. I just know it. The reason it's great to me is because most of these are the types that when I hear them, I go, I never thought that. I never thought that. And I can get an irrational fear from anything. Like yesterday, Nita was playing with our twin boys in their room. And there's a lock on the door. But Ryan is taller than Luke and can reach the thing and open the door. Well, it goes to a little tiny balcony on the outside. And I'm like, they're going to crawl out. They're going to crawl out. They're going to crawl out. They're going to crawl out. They're going to crawl out. They're going to crawl out. That's pretty rational, though, I think, with a kid. They don't know how to operate locks. Fair enough. Okay, they don't know how to operate locks. And after operating the lock, they don't know how to open the door. Kids will make you think crazy stuff, though. They will. But I just have this irrational fear that I'm going to open the garage door and Luke's going to be there. And I'm going to be like, ah! Yeah, for sure. I have one with bridges, which I think Woodsy might even have. And a lot of people... Petrified. I'm pretty sure that it's just going to crumble.
When I'm going over it, so I have to put the windows down so there's not too much pressure so I can get out. When it hits the water. Well, Woods has reason to believe that. He has not eased up. Oh, that hoe is big. I think he's... Seriously? I think he's gotten worse. Jay. Nice beaver. All right. Does anybody else have irrational fears besides me of Jay? That's actually irrational fear. You should be afraid. It's actually irrational fear. I have one. What? I chew on a lot of stuff. As you guys have noticed, my pens are pretty gnarled. I have an irrational fear that one of my teeth is going to shatter into a million pieces. I have that all the time. Pretty rational, actually. Is it? Like shatter, though. Not like chip, but like in my mouth. Can that happen? I don't know, but I drink a lot of Dr. Peppers, too.
When I'm stuck in traffic and I drive under a bridge, I have an irrational fear that there's going to be an earthquake and it's going to collapse on me. Every time. Every time I'm underneath that bridge, I think... In fact, sometimes I'll stop and I'll wait for the traffic to move past the bridge so that I can just... I have an irrational fear that somebody's going to frame me for murder. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. You really do? I really do. And I have a fear that I'll have to spend the rest of my life in prison because somebody framed me. We'll just get Jose Baez. Fair enough. Good to go. Fair enough. I really do. And you think to yourself, any day the cops are going to show up at my door. And be like, guess what, pal? Guess what we found. Found this gun. Got your prints on it. And you're going down. Wow. And I'm sitting in an interrogation room. And my fear is. It's 18 hours I've gone by. I haven't had no snuff, no DP, no eclair, nothing. The essentials. The essentials. And I'm sitting there and I'm just like, fine, I did it. I freaking did it. I'm tired. You would do that. I would. You know me. You know me. Did you really kill somebody? No, I didn't kill anybody. He would be like, pine. You know I would. They could break me in probably two hours.
I think what's giving a confession right now. I'm not giving a confession. It's a person of immediacy. Yes. I'm telling you, I have that fear. 570-1949. Do you have an irrational fear? When I get to the ledge of something, whether it be like a cliff if I'm hiking or if I'm at the top of the Space Needle or something, I'm convinced that I'm going to be the one that gets to the edge and trips or something. Because I trip all the time and I'm going to be the one that... Like falls off the edge. Yeah. You would not be good at that. They have this glass bottom thing at the Grand Canyon where you can walk out like 50 feet over the Grand Canyon. No way. But it's been so reinforced, L.O.B. Like it's so reinforced. But I'd be the one. I know that I'd be the one. I got pine mouth. I have paralysis in my arm from a bee sting. Geographic tongue. That's true. It's true. So. I want to see if Woods will tell this story. It's maybe one of the funniest stories I've ever heard him tell. He told it the other day. I said, you've got to say that on the air. And it's about your brother's friend. It's about my friend's brother. Your friend's brother at the bachelor party. I'm trying to, I really want to paint a good picture of what it looked like because it was ridiculous. We were in Vegas for a bachelor party. One of my best friends, Rob Mastros.
The bit on a bachelor party is you have to take your brother. If you have a brother, he's got to go if he's of age. So he was there, and they're different. You know, they're different. Rob likes to go to bars. Nick, his brother, likes to go to Comic-Con. So that was the deal. Well, we go out. It's Saturday night. Saturday night, the big finale. Okay, we've got a limo. We've got reservations at some gentlemen's establishments. We've got dinner plans. So Saturday night was the big blowout night. The limo plan. Yes. Can I just say this? Fire away. Want people to know Woods and his boys. Sharp guys. This is like five years ago. So yeah. Sharp guys. Let's change. Explain what a night out for something like that would look like in terms of clothing. We were kind of cheesy. We kind of did the, we had slacks. Like I had, I had navy blue pinstripe pants. And a white shirt. And brown shoes. Brown belt. It's different than I thought it would be. It's pretty sharp. Sounds nice. It was sharp. Okay. Someone in the group had a salmon colored shirt on? I think Bob might have had a salmon colored shirt on. But yeah. Some call it pink. Pinstripe pants. White shirt. Button down. Yeah. Long sleeve. Looked good. Yeah. Big watch. Ready to go. Sharp. Hair was done. We were tanned. So we were ready to go out. Got it.
We had saved, you know, everybody saves their best outfit for the big blowout Saturday night. Well, we start to kind of filter down in the lobby. We got to meet the limo at seven o'clock. This is one of those deals where before the limo gets there, you're making final preparations in the hotel room with the steamer. Oh, yeah. You're getting like ready. The steamer is going over the shirt to get all the wrinkles out because you packed it. So you're getting the wrinkles out of that sucker. Those things, it's going to look tight. Yeah. And you save that outfit for the big blowout night. So we. We saunter downstairs and we're meeting up. There's about nine of us there. Eight or nine of us. And he's one of the last to arrive. His name's Nick. And he walks down. He had on his jeans and a Merlin shirt. Merlin the wizard? Merlin the wizard, Mike. There's a picture of Merlin. Bearded? Bearded. White bearded Merlin. White bearded. Pointy hat. Crystal ball. Oh, he had a crystal ball? Yes. Crystal ball. And we... I looked... at my friend Rob and said, you're joking. You guys look like Vince Vaughn. Right. Yeah, we were ready to go. Walking in slow-mo out of the elevator. Then we had Merlin behind us. Jeans and a Merlin shirt. And tennis shoes. T-shirt or button-down? It was a button-down. Fancy Merlin shirt. Short sleeve. Oh, yeah. Short sleeve with Merlin. Crystal ball, the whole bit. You know, dragons and like fire in the back.
Maybe it might have been a castle with a moat. The whole thing. And in my mind, I go, all right, so we've been here three. This is our third night here. He was saving this. This was the outfit that he was like, well, I'm going to save it because Saturday night's the big night. And we had reiterated, hey, Saturday night's the big blowout night. Take it easy. Don't blow yourself out tonight. Saturday night. Don't burn yourself out. Maybe he is in the room with a steamer. Yeah, just steaming up Merlin. And he opened that closet and goes, F yeah, this is the one. This is the one I've been waiting for. And he takes it off and puts it on and looks in the mirror and goes, Hello. Yep, let's do this. We're finally going to get our drinks. Oh, chicken, chicken, yeah. It was, and we looked and you had, you know, we were like. And then, but then the worst thing is you got to go out. With the guy with the Merlin shirt on. Was he rooming with his brother? Like, somebody had to get ready with him. His brother, here's the deal. First of all, brother is used to that. Oh, yeah. No big deal. That's old hat. That's like, of course, that's what he wears. That's fancy. Yeah, and he's like, his brother is so used to it that it doesn't even register anymore. My brother wears Merlin. Yeah. That was his go-to. Poor guy. Every guy. Easy Merlin. Yeah, we used to call him.
The never had a chances, right? Like when we had our certain outfits, the girls, they never had a chance. You know, that's what we would call them. That was his never had a chance. Yeah. Well, he literally never had a chance. This is the deal. The psychology for me was when I was thinking about it, because Woods told me this and I was driving home and I just was thinking about it. And I thought to myself, there was something. Because we're men, there was something masculine and very like, oh yeah, women will fall to pieces. And the reason is because, hello, it's freaking Merlin. Who's more of a badass than freaking Merlin? Merlin. Did he score? He did not.
In his mind, he did. Is there a girl that goes, Oh, wow. He's got a Merlin shirt on. Is that Merlin? I've seen them. I've seen Merlin shirts. I've seen one like that. It got me. There are girls, but you're not going to find them in Vegas unless there's some sort of Dungeons and Dragons convention. Yes. He scored. With a pay-per-view movie in his room, I believe, later. But not in the traditional sense that you and I think of when you say scoring. Different way. Different way. Self-scoring. Hand-to-hand combat. All right. Going to war. All right. All right. You're listening to The Mikey Show. The Mikey Show on FM 94.9. Have I ever told you guys that we have a house cleaner that's terrified of people?
Ever told you that? Uh-uh. Yeah. Now, what I mean by that is that... Oh, yes, you have. Jumpy. Well, no, no, no. No, this is more than that. I'm not kidding. Some people may be listening right now thinking, ah, you're exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating. I mean that when I come home and she's cleaning and I say, hello, she does this. Now, the first time she did it, I almost soiled myself. Scared me. You scared me. Yeah. And I said to my wife, hey, I scared our house cleaner today. Because she was new, you know? She was nude? Whoa. She was a new house cleaner. And Rebecca said,
Oh, no, no. That's her thing. I said, what do you mean that's her thing? She said, oh, every time I see her, she gets terrified. Now, I instantly thought to myself, well, now, has she been harmed or something like that? But then I thought, well, what a strange line of work to choose if, in fact, that was. You know, let's say that I'm the type of person that is jumpy. I'm not going to work at a fireworks factory. That's probably the wrong line of work for me. A place that makes dynamite. A cop. You're not going to be a cop. You're not going to be a cop. You're jumpy. You know what I mean? Horn factory. Yeah. And so now my thing is I'll come home now and I'm like stepping really hard. I am home. Here I am. Marco! Now, let me tell you when it's at its zenith. It's at its absolute worst when she's vacuuming. Let me tell you something. When she's vacuuming, I am shocked I haven't killed her. And I'm not kidding. When she gets scared, I go...
I jump. I make a noise. And finally last week I made her laugh. She never laughed. Never smiled. Never laughed. And she had just polished our floor and I came downstairs in my socks and I tripped. Is that all you had on? Yes, Jay. It is all I had on. That would make me laugh. She's so jumpy. You ever have to run an errand that isn't where your house is so you miss an exit that you're supposed to get off on? Yep. Did it yesterday. Missed the exit. Got almost all the way home and went, oh, stop. Oh, come on. Had to turn around and go all the way back and backtrack. Is it the worst? I missed my exit for home the other day. You did? Just dilly-dallying around just thinking and went, oh.
There it goes. And I was like. It's the worst feeling. I had to circle all the way back. Yes. Losing my mind. The moment it happens is the worst moment. I was in the fast lane and I saw it like as I passed and I was like, I could have had it maybe. You could have killed eight people, but you could have had it. You ever do that when you have to pee? Oh, yeah. Oh, nothing could be worse. Well, yeah, something could be worse. That's worse. Well, there's nothing worse than when you got to do that. No. Because it's like when you're holding your breath and you know, well, in just a couple of minutes, I can breathe. In just a couple of seconds, I can breathe. Same thing when you got to do that and you're very close to home. What you have is a peeker. Okay. Are you talking about when you want to make love to your wife and you made up your mind? Nope. No, I'm not. Getting all emotional. My brother used to call it touching cloth. Pushing cotton. He says that every day. Pushing cotton. It's so weird how the human body reacts and works because the closer you get, the more your body begins to relax. It's weird how it works. Many a time I've jumped out of the car and almost had to kick the door down to get inside. This is what I don't understand about Sienna's recap.
She said that yesterday, they have a wiener dog named Zipper, okay? And yesterday's Zipper peed all over their guest bed when her husband Todd tried to take her out. Yeah. Now, Sienna's recently had a baby, little Sage. How old is Sage now? Nine months. All right, so Sienna called a professional carpet cleaner. She had to get on the phone and call a professional carpet cleaner. Who luckily had time to come by and clean the mattress. And she didn't think Todd would ever let the family have a dog again. Zipper's jealous of Sage. I don't blame Todd. Now, for me, this is quite simple. Now, I've cut myself off from real deep emotional attachments from animals. Because when I was a kid, I lost a dog. And so, I don't even let my heart go there anymore. I'm almost callous.
Okay? Minus the almost. All right. And so in my mind, I go, why don't you get rid of Zipper? Oh, my God. Okay, now hang on a minute. You are a monster. Wait a second. No, there's no waiting. Hang on. I can't even look at you. Hang on. No. Let me make a humane argument of why it would be, now Woods has stood up from his chair. And he has walked away. He is looking at the ceiling, shaking his head with his eyes closed. Butthole. All right. You call me a butthole. I'm just saying. My husband almost agrees with you now. Now, wait. Now, here's my logic. I'm going to be the defense for Zipper. Okay. My client is used to a particular lifestyle. Okay? And that lifestyle is one of constant attention. Yeah. Now. It was not my client's idea for you and your husband to add an addition to the family. That was not my client's idea. That was your idea. You are, in fact, responsible for that. So my client holds no responsibility in that regard. Now, my client could sue you, but we're not going to. Zipper? Yeah. My client, Zipper, had instructed me to sue you for everything you're worth. But I said to Zipper, listen.
I think we should take a settlement. And the settlement is just make good, provide the same environment for Zipper that she is accustomed to. Happy birthday. To Zipper? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely happy birthday. Yeah. So, listen, like I said, I suggested 2.4 mil. Oh, my God. I know what grandma's got in the bank, all right? And I told Zipper, let's do this. And Zipper said no. All I want is my old life back. That's right. Have I done any work here? No. You still think I'm a monster. What if Jake said that about his two baby brothers? I would say to Jake, okay, if Zipper dies, you're not going to have services at a church where all of us are invited and we all wear black. So if we're going to put animals into the same category as human beings, How come you don't have doggies right now with Wills? Your average dog, okay? Your average dog. They don't have possessions. They don't have possessions. Yeah, they do. What do they have? They have their beds. They have their bowls. They have all these different toys. We pass them on. Yeah, you pass them on. Okay.
I'm just saying, see, my... Now you're being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. They're not in the same category as a human, but they're still a family member. Yes. I understand. They are not in the same category as a human. We shouldn't put them there anymore. In my opinion, there should be a memo sent out to the United States of America, if not world. You know, some people aren't blessed enough to be able to have children. Yeah, so they adopt, and that's what you're going to do. Well, they try to. In the meantime, they have their dogs who are like their family. Hallelujah, brother. You know, if somebody, like, let's say one of the people gets sick. Like, they get, like, a disease. They have, like, cancer. And they have to do, like, chemotherapy and radiation. Yeah. And then let's say that they have a dog that's like a kid. You know, sometimes radiation can cost a family up to $100,000. And they go into debt for the rest of their lives. Okay.
So my question to you is if Shooter needed to have chemotherapy. Done. I have to. Okay. And it's going to cost $100,000, meaning you're going to be in debt. Oh, I was talking about the owner. No, no, no. I'm asking you because I want to go directly to the source. But I was talking about the owner. My friend Woods cares more about animals, and I mean this, than anybody else I know. Dogs, specifically. So dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs. He's a dog lover like nobody's business. And deer. But when it comes down to it. When it comes down to it, we're talking about a dog and even Woods knows it. Well, if it's going to cost me six figures, which I don't have, I don't have a choice. What about if it was Jamie? Would you go into debt? Yeah, of course. Okay, wait a minute, though. My wife. Clown. But we've established that they're a family member. They are a family member. I probably would go into debt. I probably would go into debt for my dogs, depending on which dog. It's not going to cost me anything to keep Zipper. It's nothing out of my reach. If Zipper had to go through $100,000 worth of radiation, I couldn't do that. So you just let the dog live its life as long as it can. She just needs some training. She's trying to show you that she's the alpha. She's like that with Todd, and that's what I keep trying to explain to him. This is your and Zipper's issue. You have to explain to the dog that it is not the dog's right to do this, okay? My suggestion is you come to my junkyard.
where I have 450,000 dogs, and they spend time with him or her or whatever. That's what I'm saying. And then they show seeper what it is to live with others. Be a part of the Mikey Show now. Text them 949mikey at gmail.com. Or call Mikey now, 570-1949. More coming up on FM 94.9. With some shows for you to go check out. The SD music thing is officially underway. With panels all day today and tomorrow. And shows in the night. Like tonight FM 94.9 presents a bunch of great bands. All ages at the Sunset Temple Room in North Park. 3911 Kansas Street.
Starts at 8 with Bella Novella, Andy Clockwise, Black Whales, St. Motel, and then the silent comedy headline just before midnight. Again, that is all ages tonight at Sunset Temple Room. Also tonight at the Belly Up, the Agri-Lights with Bucko 9. And tomorrow night for the SD Music Thing with Cesio at the Sunset Temple Room. Again, all ages. Dead Feather Moon, Jamuel Saxon, Rafter, Cuckoo Chaos, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. will play. If you head to the Remake tomorrow night, you can see... Bass Nectar with DJ Z Trip. Sunday night, it's an FM 94.9 about the music show with Givers at the Casbah or go see The Kills at House of Blues. Switchfoot played Petco Park on the 18th. TV on the radio with Arctic Monkeys at the open air on the 24th. And still to come, Bush, Portugal the Man, Peter Bjorn and John, an About the Music show with the pains of being pure at heart, City in Color, Black Joe Lewis, Company of Thieves, Morrissey, and a Peter Murphy show at the Belly Up in December. So there you have it. Get out there and see some shows. For more concert info, check out the FM 94.9 concert calendar online at FM949SD.com.
Mary lost her Mastiff name, Marbles. She also lost her keys. And where was the leash? Thankfully, one thing wasn't missing. The ink. With HP Multipack, she printed oodles of missing posters for all her missing things. But then she found Marbles, with her keys, and his leash. She didn't need all that HP ink after all. But she was happy she had it, because you just never know when you'll lose your marbles. Print more and save up to 10% with everyday pricing with HP Multipacks, founded a retailer near you. HP, hit print. Compared to single standard HP ink cartridges based on average retail pricing. September still means summer in Southern California. That means more time with friends, more fun, more parties. And nothing makes a get-together legendary like the smooth taste of Jose Cuervo Silver Tequila. Serve it at your next party as an ice-cold shot. Or enjoy a fantastic Cuervo Silver Margarita. An experience of taste so smooth, it shatters expectations. Jose Cuervo Silver Tequila. Stay smooth. Drink responsibly. Jose Cuervo Especial Tequila. 40% alcohol by volume. Coffee line 2011. Imported and bottled by food line. Norwalk, Connecticut. Under licensed from the trademark of Jose Cuervo Especial.
So I'm at Verizon shopping for 4G. And I say to the sales guy, listen, I want Verizon 4G LTE speed, but I also want selection. And he goes, we've got a ton of advanced Verizon 4G LTE devices, like the new Droid Bionic by Motorola, the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1, or the MiFi 4510L mobile hotspot that lets you connect up to five Wi-Fi enabled devices. So I say, smartphones, tablets, and hotspots. Not bad, but in my head I'm thinking. Is that the 10? The 5? Touchdown. And then I say, yeah, but is Verizon 4G LTE really that fast? And he says, yep, up to 10 times faster than 3G. Whoa. And now I'm going. They're going for two. Got it. Come to Verizon for the largest selection of 4G LTE devices and tear it up on the fastest, most advanced 4G network in America. Visit any Verizon store today, verizonwireless.com slash 4G LTE, or call 1-800-256-4646. Verizon. Coverage details at verisomwireless.com slash 4GLTE.
Good morning. Welcome to McDonald's. First good thing I've heard all day. But it's only 7.30 a.m. I know, and I already whacked my head, broke my phone, and got a parking ticket. So I'm going to need to order quite a few things. That should make you feel better, sir. All right, how about an order of sausage? Oh, and an order of bacon, scrambled eggs, three hotcakes, well, hash browns for sure. Um, sir? Oh, I'm not done. But all of that is on the deluxe breakfast platter, and it's now just $3.99. Seriously? Set your mornings right with McDonald's deluxe. breakfast platter, three golden hotcakes, fluffy scrambled eggs, sizzling bacon, sausage, an English muffin, and more. All for just $3.99. The simple joy of every flavor of breakfast. Sorry you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Technically, I fell out of bed and the window. Breakfast served during breakfast hours only. Price and participation may vary. McDonald's fruit and maple oatmeal made with whole grain rolled oats, tangy cranberries, plump raisins, and fresh apples. All blended with brown sugar and a touch of cream. Available all day long at McDonald's. Many locations now open 24 hours. At Boar's Head, we work hard to make our oven gold turkey the best it can be. It's pure turkey breast, slow roasted the old-fashioned way. But there's a downside to such excellence. Boar's Head Oven Gold is a magnet for lunch thieves.
You open up the office fridge and find your oven gold turkey sandwich has been stolen, pilfered, pinched. So what can you do? Well, you could get a cheap turkey sandwich from a sandwich chain, something made from ground-up parts, preservatives, and fillers like seaweed extract. Nobody's going to steal that. Or you could stand by your oven gold turkey and take defensive measures. Invest in a padlocked lunchbox, set up a fridge cam, or simply eat your lunch at 10 a.m. before anyone has a chance to steal it. Sure, it's a little extra effort, but a great turkey sandwich needs protecting. And oven gold is the best there is. Boar's Head, compromise elsewhere. Try a slice of Boar's Head premium deli meats and cheeses in select supermarkets, gourmet stores, and fine eateries. Morrissey. Don't miss the return of Morrissey. Special gas, Kristen Young. 22nd at the California Center for the Arts Escondido. Tickets for more so you can go on South Friday at 10 a.m. at Ticketmaster.com or at the California Center for the Arts Escondido box office. An all-ages event. Produced by EEG Live. Sometimes when I just need to grab a few things, I had a Chevron Extra Mile instead of the Superstore. It's so easy, why wouldn't you? They've got great brands at reasonable prices, every snack and drink you can think of, and there aren't any of those creepy greeters at the door. I mean, those guys freak me out.
Stop by your nearest Chevron Extra Mile for a sweet deal. Get two of any king-size to-go or sharing-size candy for $3 through October 31st, one at regular price. Chevron Extra Mile. Extra easy, extra value at select Chevron locations. Sometimes life kind of feels like, well, a juggling act. Fortunately, Cricket Wireless helps keep things in control with a cool smartphone like the Sanyo Zayo by Kyocera for under $100. And the best part is Cricket's great unlimited plan with talk, text, and data for only $55 a month. Way less than those other guys. And an awesome price for a smartphone. The Zayo's perfect for keeping up with friends and family on Facebook, Google Maps to get around, and has access to tons of other apps. So do yourself a favor and get the Android-powered XIO for $99.99 with no contracts or hidden fees, plus unlimited talk, text, and data for just $55 a month. Visit a Cricut store or mycricut.com today. So smart.
So, Cricket. Limited time offer. Requires new activation. See store for details. Data usage is subject to Cricket's fair use policy. Coverage not available everywhere. Terms and restrictions apply. Get the sleek Android-powered Zio at Cricket Wireless for only $99.99. Plus nationwide unlimited talk, text, and data for only $55 a month with no contract. Visit Cricket or MyCricket.com today. So smart, so Cricket. This is the sound of Jim creating an online store for his business. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Access denied? What is this? This is David, building his online store with Chase's new Instant Storefront. And move that over there. Jim. Oh, what did I just do? David. That was easy. Introducing Instant Storefront, an all-new e-commerce solution that gives small business owners everything they need to sell products online. And best of all, customer payments can be deposited into your Chase business checking account, often on the next business day. So you can reach more customers and keep your cash flow. Act now and try Instant Storefront free for three months. Visit chase.com slash storefront to get started. Instant Storefront. Take a step forward and chase what matters. Merchant Services Agreement with Chase Payment Tech and Chase Business Checking Account required and subject to approval. Restrictions apply. Offer expires September 30, 2011 and applies to kiosk package only. See chase.com slash storefront for complete details. J.P. Morgan, Chase Bank, and a member of TIC.
This report brought to you by Burger King. At Burger King, try a delicious croissant, which paired with Seattle's best coffee, enjoy a flaky croissant, perfectly cooked eggs, American cheese, and your choice of sausage, bacon, or ham at participating restaurants. Santee's a little tough this morning on the 67 northbound from Riverford Road to about Bradley Avenue. It's in the teens. Also, an accident here on the 15 southbound of the 94 West Connector. It's probably going to cause a backup right now. I don't see anything major behind it, but I'm sure in a moment we will. On the 15 northbound Adams Avenue, smack dab in the middle there between the 8 eastbound and El Cajon Boulevard. It's pretty slow, 20 miles an hour. This report brought to you by Check Into Cash. Check Into Cash will guarantee the lowest rate on title loans. If you've got another loan, Check Into Cash will help you buy it back. Loans made pursuant to a Department of Corporation's California Finance Lenders Law License. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you. Oh, my God. And now back to the Mikey Show. With Mikey. Mikey. Please use the word wonderful. Again. I'm 40. It's okay. Woods. Your boy gets in the shower and I have very little hair and I have to condition, of course, because it smells so good and it feels so good when you condition. Lauren. When I have to say smart things on the spot, I'm like. And Jay. Please grow up. On FM 94.9. Our boy Jared is the best, man. You need any kind of graphic design. Call him.
Go to his website. It's createyourdesignonline.com. He did the adoption thing for you, Woodsy. Yeah, he did our adoption pamphlet. That's insane. It's so far and above anything that really any other couple did. It was so different. He's so good. He's so good, and we love him. And check out his website, createyourdesignonline.com. He's going to be, Mike, also doing something for me. that people are going to be really interested in. Oh, yeah. When are you going to talk about that? I don't know. Soon. Soon. I'm going to let the cat out of the bag. I know it. I know it. L.A.V. knows what it is. You can tell them. No, I'm not going to, but I'm really bad with secrets. Yeah. With secrets? Why? I don't know. I just say things. I'm like, oh, after I say them. I'm bad, too. Don't you get excited when someone goes, listen, you can't tell. I'm like, I won't. Why would I do that? Tell me now. Tell me now. Don't you get super excited like, I'm going to hear the juiciest? Most outrageous thing ever. I love when somebody says that. I'm terrible. Mikey told me, don't tell anybody about this potential gig. I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to tell a soul. I told everybody I know. Everyone. Everyone I know. I'm like, hey, Woods, I just got a call from a stranger that I've never met from Switzerland. And she said that she met you in a bar and you were telling her about how you got offered the job. So please don't tell anybody anymore. I told every human that I know. Every human. Yeah.
That's great. What I usually do, Lauren, I don't know if you do this, but I'll go, I'll be like, wow. And I'll hang up the phone and then I'll call somebody and go, okay, dude, listen. Don't tell anybody. The double disclaimer. I just heard the most amazing thing, but you can't tell anybody. I'm not even supposed to know. Because I'm not even supposed to be telling you. Oh, you know what? And what is, what's Steve's phone number? I got to call you. Why do we do that? I, you know, I seriously think that every. person has said at one time in their life in every language I mean somewhere in Namibia someone went and it meant you can't tell anybody except it came out like this cookie promise just tell me and then 20 minutes later that person went and they told someone else Yeah. Just kept going. Through a conch shell. Through a conch shell. We want to be the first to know. I don't know why. First to break the news. We want to be the first to break the news. Hey, same thing when something crazy happens or we see something on TV. Did you see that so-and-so died? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Immediately. Because you want them to be like, no, I didn't know. You want to be the guy that, you know, you want to be the town crier. And you have all the information. I just went through that over the weekend. You did? Yeah, you did. Yeah. Greg Giraldo.
Greg Giraldo. Oh, the comedian from Last Comic Standing. Yeah, I was walking right to his home club in New York, the place he always performs at. And a friend of mine called me up and said, hey, man, there's these crazy rumors online that something happened to Greg Giraldo. I said, man, well, really? And I go, you know what? I'm almost at this comedy club. This is where he always performs. If anyone's going to know, they're going to know here. And then I found out there that Greg was in the hospital. What's wrong with him? He overdosed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Relapsed. He didn't die. No, he did not die. Yeah. He was clean. Wow. How long was he clean for? I don't know. But yeah, it was that thing where like, oh my God, you know, and then, you know, comedians are calling me and I'm calling them like, I don't know, this is what I heard. What did you hear? I don't know. And it's concern, but it's like that, you know, oh, did you, you know, I just heard this. No, really? And then yet like, you know. We like information. Well, it's, you know, in your case, man, it's been a tough. tough few years for comedians. There's been, you know, with Artie and those guys. I stopped doing drugs five and a half years ago. I stopped drinking and doing drugs, and in the first year, the first, like, calendar year that I got clean, seven of my friends died. All of them were comedians. It's insane. And it was four drug overdoses and three drinking and driving car accidents. One was a really nice girl that I met at the Comedy Store in La Jolla. Really cute.
little lesbian girl she was and she wasn't she was like i think she was 17 and she couldn't and they had this rule like okay uh you have to stand in the fire exit um until it's your time to perform because you're underage right so she had she would watch the entire show and then she'd go up and do her thing and it was very cute likable very ellen degeneres kind of really smart and i remember telling her like hey you're really funny i really like your stuff and uh you know where else do you perform at she's like I perform at, you know, she didn't know I was a comedian. She thought I was like, you know. And then later that night, she's like, I am so sorry. I didn't know who you were. No, no, it was great. I go, I think you're awesome. And we exchanged phone numbers. And I said, you know, let's hit an open mic together. And then I found out a few months later that it was just, you know, kids being kids. She was drinking, driving, and didn't realize she was driving the wrong way down on a major highway. Bad. Mitch Hedberg was my first roommate. He died that year. Funny guy. And every time I do a show in Minneapolis, I always have Mitch's parents come out to the show. Really? You know what I feel bad about? I feel really bad about. Wasn't a close friend of his, but I feel bad about Robert Schimmel's passing. Yeah, dude. I did, too, because I knew Schimmel pretty good from when I was in San Jose and even here in San Diego.
He was such a disarming guy and such a sweet guy off the air and on the air and a guy that just hung out. Yeah. You know, when the Mikey show ended, he would stay and just hang out. He just wanted to go have lunch and go eat and hang out. And just a really kind guy. And it was sad, really sad. I'll tell you why I'm sad. The last time I talked to him. I was at a radio station in Los Angeles, and I was on the air for one hour as a goof, as Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley taking phone calls from fans. And I was assessing people's love for Kiss. And I was like, how much of a fan are you really? How much money have you spent on the band? And say, Mikey, you call in and you're a fan. All right, we got Mikey on line number one. Mikey, you're on the line with Gene Simmons.
Hi, Mikey. So tell me, how much of a fan are you? I am the biggest fan ever. Okay, let me just interrupt you for one second. If you had to estimate in your entire life how much money you've spent on Kiss, how much would you just guesstimate in your head? Probably $10,000 on stuff. You're a real fan, Mike, because you just paid for part of my vacation in Hawaii. Okay, next caller. And then people were like, and then as they're hanging up on him, you're awesome. Like they still love him, even though he's like crapping on his fans. Right. And then they go, and I see that in a radio station, you can see the names of the callers up on a board. And I see Robert Schimmel's name is flashing. And I go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go. Well, guess who we have on the phone? It's comedian Robert Schimmel. Robert, you're on the phone with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley. He goes, hey, guys, I'm a big fan of Kiss. And I go, that's right. And, you know, I'll tell you why Robert Schimmel is great. Yeah, go tell him, Gene. It's because when you are as smart as Robert Schimmel is, you know that Kiss actually invented stand-up comedy. That's a true story. When we took off our makeup, everyone said, this is so ridiculous. This is...
This is comedy. And that's what started stand-up comedy. Now, Robert, I want you to tell the audience why you're such a Kiss fan. And Schimmel goes, well, you know why Kiss is so great. I'll tell you why. And then Schimmel tells his whole long story. He has a testimonial about why Kiss is so great. And I go, that's great. Now, Robert, I want to talk to you privately on my Kiss phone. So tell Robert to hold. And they go, hey, Robert, did you hear that? Gene Simmons wants to talk to you privately off the air. And he goes, sure, I'll hold. And I pick up the phone and I go, in my own voice, Robert, dude, that was so cool. Thank you for doing that. And Robert goes, Gene, I don't know if you remember, but I actually met you. Gene, I actually met you at Dodger Stadium a few years ago. I don't know if you remember that. And I go, what? And he goes, and I'm such a fan. You've always been so great. And then before I could even get to the reveal, he goes, I don't know if you know this, Gene, but I actually have been fighting cancer for the last few years. And I've been dealing with this cancer battle. And I don't know if you know, but the doctors told me I would never be able to have children again because of this cancer. And guess what, Gene? Guess what?
girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy last February and there's a long pause and everyone in the radio station now knows that he thinks he's still talking to Gene Simmons and I the only thing I could think of was you know the Kiss Army is proud of you because I didn't want to be a jerk because he's telling me his cancer story and if I'm a jerk about it so I just said The Kiss Army loves you. And he goes, thank you, Gene. Hey, Gene, thanks again for having me on the air. I love you and all the best. All right, great. And I hung up and I was like, oh, my God. I felt so bad. A few months later, a friend of mine is opening up for Robert Schimel in Atlantic City. I'm performing at Atlantic City the next night. So my buddy says, well, dude, we've got to hang out. You ever met Robert? I go, I have. I go, dude, I'd love to come down and hang out with you. And he goes, dude, let's meet an hour before the show. I'll walk you in. I'll take you to his dressing room. I go, no problem, man. Definitely. The day of the show, he calls me up and he goes. Hey, dude, I just want to tell you, are you still coming to the show? And I go, yeah, yeah. Seven o'clock, right? And he goes, no. I go, what time? And he goes, no. I mean, I don't think you should go to the show. And I go, no. I go, why? And he goes, just don't. And he goes, dude, I can't get you in and there's no more tickets. So I can't do anything for you. And I go, you're opening the show. He goes, but I can't. I just can't. And you can't come down. And I go.
Is something wrong? He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I'm just, I just can't do anything for it. And he's so worked up about it. And I was like, dude, if there's something, oh my God, Bill, is he mad at me for the, you know what? I did a, and he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just, I just, just don't come down. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. So you never talked to Schimmel? Since then. Oh. That's too bad. That's too bad. What a crazy story. Listen, Craig's got a lot of stories. And if you're dying of cancer, call into the station right now. Come down to 4th and B. I'll give you tickets to the 4th and B show on Saturday night. That's right. But yeah. Craig will be with us Friday too. Friday, and then the show's on Saturday. All right, let's do some show stuff. I haven't done any show stuff. We've been hanging out with Craig, hearing all the voices and doing... Yes, yes, y'all. That's right. Obama on... That's crazy. ...the economy. Oh, wow. What happened? What just happened? Oh, boy. You know what's going on? I haven't used my computer all day. Is it sleeping? Yeah, so it's like... I'm tired. It's like, oh, now? Oh, now you want me.
Now you want me to do something for you? What does Craig think of that? Why don't you ask Craig to do it? Maybe see what Gene Simmons has to say. All right, here we go. Got it. Here it is. No, seriously. These choices are going to mean something. And you've got to ask yourselves, what direction do I want this country to go in? Left. We're going, what we've decided is we're going to go left. No, left wing. Left wing. Not left. One of the things that we... thought as an administration was that we wanted to go more left wing. Look at your walk at your walk. It's the left wing of the White House. It's under construction right now. It's the left wing of the... No, the right wing's under construction. It's the right wing, dummy. Always point. What I meant to say was that it was the right wing of the Oval Office. Point with your finger. Now, let me say this. Emphatic. That emphatically...
Pushing the button. Categorically. Categorically. Deny. Deny. Any thing. Allegations. Allegations. Of wrongdoing. Of wrongdoing. Why are we supposed to be talking about construction? And I want everyone to know that the economy is on an upswing. Government is behind you. Government is behind you. And the government is behind you. The construction in the left wing. Go back to the White House. I want people to know that the construction in the right and left wing of. They're almost done. Are almost done in the White House. You're not pointing a nut. I want people to know, Numbnuts, that there is something. No, don't say Numbnuts. Don't say Numbnuts. No, no, no. You said it again. The economy right now is moving in a direction. Clean your neck up. Clean your neck up. That, I believe. Finish the sentence. Come on. Help the economy in the end. Finish, finish, finish, finish. Eye contact, eye contact. I am trying to let you know that we, as a country, will look you in the eye. Now call out that guy that fainted in the back. And say, did someone faint in the back? Is someone fainting in the back? No, he farted. Someone fart in the back? No, he fainted. He fainted and farted in the back. I got nothing on my screen. It's just farted.
You're going to want to wrap this up. It's not an easy job replacing George W. Bush. Don't bring up Bush. And don't bring up Bush. Good night. Thank you so much. I love confusing the president. President with the earpiece in. You've got to keep pointing. He's got three handlers. Fighting with each other. 5701949. Don't point with the middle finger. 5701949 is our number. If you want to text us, you can do it. The text is 949mikey at gmail.com. Don't do this often, but wanted to see if Christopher Walken would be willing to read a poem that I have. It's a very beautiful poem. I wanted to tell my jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. And there's no doubt about it. We're going to let you tell your jokes. They're dynamite. I like the cow joke. The cow joke was good. Cow joke was great. A lot of cow jokes. Yeah.
Yeah, but would you call a cow with three legs? What? A tri-tip. Pow! Oh, wow, that's good. That's a great joke. With a fist, it does a pow. I think you should cut the cow. Pow! The pow, yeah. You ought to add the pow when you're doing your funny make-em-ups on stage. Let me ask you something, Christopher Walken. Sure. Are you willing to read this poem? Sure. I could read it, but I thought, because you're an actor, I thought maybe you would like to read the poem. What's the name of this poem? The poem is called Smells Like Teen Spirit. This is your poem. It's called Smells Like Teen Spirit. Yes. Load up on guns. Bring your friends. It's fun to lose and to pretend. She's overborn and self-assured. Oh, no. I know a dirty word. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. How low? Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. How low? This is a crazy poem. Hello. It is. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. With the lights out, it's less dangerous. Here we are now. Entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Uh-huh.
Here we are now. Entertain us. That's it. All right. I don't get this next line, but a mulatto, an albino. A mosquito, my libido. Yay. Yay. That's it. It was perfect. That was well done. Well done. Pop it in. Turn it on. Be a part of the Mikey Show now. Call 570-1949-949-mikey at gmail.com. This is The Mikey Show. More coming up on FM 94.9. Hey, it's Mikey, and I want to let you know that for only $14.95 a month, you can get 12 months with a one-year term. That's all the speed that you need with AT&T, and it's all at a great price. Now, when you choose AT&T High Speed Internet at Home, you also choose access to AT&T's entire national Wi-Fi hotspot network. And it's no extra cost.
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Why wait? Visit the experts today. See your participating Toyota dealer. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. Hey, this is the Mikey Show. All right. Let's start with Mikey. I don't trust anybody who has a P.O. box. What? It was against my will. That I had to go to a hotel. Lauren. Pretty much every morning I think that somebody's going to jump out and kill me when I get into my car. And Jay. Well, you know you're in trouble if you can't outrun your grandma. Yeah. This is the Mikey Show on FM 94.9. People are outraged in Milan because they were using mannequins that were actual people. They were wearing shorts, bikinis. They're in the window of a department store. People are walking by and they believe that that is the merchandization of the human body. And these are, you know, obviously Italian men and women that are models.
Oh, wow. Jay just sighed like, really? This is it? Jay's about to be an Italian model. Everyone just buckle up. Never heard him do an Italian voice. So this will be the first time we get to hear him do an Italian. Hi, is this an Italian model from Milan? Did you just fly to Paris? Okay. I see. You're Italian. Yeah. So tell me. Did you excuse me, Italian model? Did you do you feel that your body, your human body is being? I am so well endowed that it does not bother me that people want to see me in windows.
This is Story of the J. Lifted straight from noon to the day. Oh, boy. That's a clown. What a clown. We. We. We. We. Is this an Italian model? We. We. We. And then Como Sayama. Unbelievable. Wow. Jay something else. Oh, boy. Our number is 5701949. You want a text? You can do that, 949mikey at gmail.com. What is the white trashiest thing that you do, Woods? And don't care. All right, I got one. We have a house that we've been in a couple months. We have in the master bedroom, there are two skylights, and it's a pretty high ceiling. And when you come home from work, as we do, usually around noon, it's hotter than blazes in there. It's bright, can't nap, can't do anything. I got a ladder and I took some brown pillowcases and I nailed brown pillowcases over the skylights. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And could give a rat's ass. I don't care how it looks. All I know is when I walk in there now, it's cool. It's dark. When I get home today for a nap, dark and cool. Come on, nation.
Give me something. Something. Give me something. BFMC does a similar thing. He has a skylight and then a thin little stained glass panel. So he stapled a towel over the skylight. Oh, yeah, dog. And then he piles in this thin thing. He puts a couple pillows and then a sleeping bag. And then he ran out of things and stuff in there. So he hangs a winter coat at the very top of it. Skylights must be the deal because I took a couch cushion and just pushed the whole thing up in the skylight. And you don't care. Well, now, Jay shocks me because he's married with kids. This was before I had... Oh, before. And because he's MacGyver and could make really anything. He was doing a lot of meth and ran out of foil. That too. Is it white trash for a girl to drink out of the container and stand with the fridge door open? Yeah. Does she have a person that lives there too? No. What is she wearing? No, it isn't. Underwear. Or anything. Is her name Lauren? I mean, it's all hypothetical. Yeah, hypothetically. I don't think so. If you don't live with someone, then I think you're alright. Isn't it not WT to drink right out of the carton? Yeah, but if you don't live with anybody, it's like, you know, if you sneeze in a forest and no one's there, will anyone hear the sneeze? Or if the tree falls. That's more of a common... Eating soup straight from the pot.
That's WT. That's awesome. What about pulling your car into your yard to wash it? On the grass? On the grass? Oh, you hee-haw. Are you kidding me? That one wins the prize. Why? Unless there's somebody listening right now. 5701949. I want to hear. I want you to call because you're bold about it. You don't even care that you do it. You can't have runoff. Why? Because you don't want soap and grime from your car to go into the gutter, so it goes to the ocean. Actually, it's illegal to wash your car in your driveway. Oh, boy. You. Is that a car wash like everyone else? I don't want to spend $6 to get my car washed. Woods just went in his coffin. God. Woods, why does that make me angry? Am I hurt? Am I sad? Am I fearful? It infuriates me. It makes me irritated. Which part? My car's clean. Which part? The part that he will park his car on his lawn to wash it because he doesn't want runoff. It's not a dainty car either. No. Listen to this guy. And we'll let people call about the WT stuff they do. Listen to this guy, Jay, our producer. 48-year-old father of four. Married to a beautiful wife named Kim. Yesterday says to her, help me wash my truck. And then I help you wash your car.
And she said, no, I want to pay a guy six bucks to wash the car. Why don't you do the same thing? And he said, because I can wash my truck for free. And Kim said, it's not free. It's going to cost you a dollar for water and soap. They're haggling. It's not free. He says, now my truck's clean. Her car's still dirty. I win. I win. I win. I bet you he used. I bet you he used. A bottle of 99 cent suave that he got at CVS. His car smells like coconuts. Shampoo plus conditioner. I use Dawn because it's biodegradable. Yes. Which is slitting his own throat. He's got a film probably all over his whole car. Dawn. It's biodegradable. Hey, listen. You can sit here and make fun of it. You want to know the truth? By the time I die, I will have saved $8 my entire lifetime. That's right. And one billionth of this universe. Okay, Mike? I'll tell you a WT thing I'd do. And my wife will attest to it. If my wife is cleaning the rugs in the bathroom, rather than going to the dryer and get the clean ones, I'll just put a towel down. And use a towel. Do it. Done it. We're monsters.
How about this? You wake up in the morning and you have seven dogs, hypothetically. Hypothetically. And there is some pee on the floor from one of said dogs and you throw a towel over it and just go to work. I don't know if that's white trash so much as just very lazy. What about... Leaving it for your wife to pick up. Showing up to an open house. Of new places for sale, knowing that you have no intention of buying a condo, but going there for the free barbecue and pretending like you're interested in buying a condo. Who does that? Who did that? Just a boyfriend of someone I know. Oh. Who may or may not have dragged his girlfriend there while they're on their way to lunch. Oh. Who was then full for when they went to the actual lunch. Oh. My gosh. I almost fell out of my chair. I like that guy. I don't even know what to say. What do you say? What do you say? Congratulations. Yeah. Realtors in San Diego, if you see Jay Isabel walk into your condo or house, just kick him out because he ain't buying anything. Or cat momers. Or cat momers. Can I ask you a question about this? Sure. Are all the plants warrantied? Yes. Yes. How are you enjoying that?
Barbecue sandwich. Wonderful. Y'all have anything to drink? Yes, there's a cooler of soda right next to that. Great. And a bottle of water, too. What's the HOA fee per month? That's a $3.50. $3.50. And what we can do is we can write that right into your mortgage. Oh, good. Good. Good. Good. Babe. How's that macaroni salad? Delicious. Gosh, you have a big helping of that on your plate. Y'all have any of this to go? Do you have any tinfoil? We're not a catering company. I'm a realtor trying to make a living. Are you interested in buying this condo, sir? Oh, yes, I am. Let me give you my business card. Do you have a card? In my truck. Let me just get another. Baby, get another. Can you get some chicken? Please, get just this time. We can just go. Actually, my wife is anorexic and I need her to eat. She won't. And that's why she's acting this way. Sir, this is not a soup plantation. You can't just load up and just go whenever you can. You want to take a plate and keep enjoying your food. I wait. We just take a plate, please. Put it in your purse. How did this turn into me? Because you would do that.
What if they also gave out raffle tickets for the new and interested home buyers? Would you then accept a raffle ticket? Your boyfriend's phenomenal. He's phenomenal. What are you guys like? Oh, yeah, the one bedroom. The one bedroom. The one? Oh, this is the one? Nice. Okay, cool. You guys got any threes? Sturdy. Oh, my God. Sturdy. And eating, the whole time munching on a barbecue sale. Not even just one. Like, the entire plate piled up with no room for anything else. Oh, wow. I sat there with my arms crossed the whole time. I'm going to say I kind of, I disagree with this one, Tracy. I'll let you say this, but only because every guy does this. But go ahead. Tracy from Carlsbad. What does your husband and his friends do? Husband and all his friends. I mean, we'll be like having a barbecue and have people over and suddenly you'll look over and they're peeing in the corner of the grass. Or actually, people four have been right just at the barbecue and just turned around. And you're all, I've done that. I've seen it.
Men love to pee outside. But then my son is two, and they're teaching him this, and he'll only pee up five now. Hey, I'm going to tell you the truth right now, Tracy. I'm not ashamed to tell you. My four-year-old son asked me last week if he could pee outside. And his nanny, Nita, was standing by. And I said, come here. Come here, bub. Put my arm around him, and I whispered in his ear. I said, right now, Nita's here. And so you can't do that. But when Nita's not here, then you and Daddy can pee outside. It's like, but when we're at the park or something, my son will turn around and be like... Well, you've got to teach him. You've got to teach him. I have time and a place. You've got to know when to hold him. Yeah, you've got to know when to hold him, know when to fold him. You can only do that in the backyard. Yeah, I know, but a two-year-old, you know, they'll... You just tell him. Just let go, because it's going to happen. Just give up. Give up. Because it's going to happen. Give up. Every guy, every guy likes to pee outside. At his home. Every single man. And I don't know what it is. It's something in us. And I don't care who you are. Every man listening right now, if you have a house, you pee in your backyard. And not only do you pee in your backyard, you enjoy it. Yeah, real good.
More from the Mikey Show coming up on FM 94.9. This is Hanson, and every Sunday morning at 7 a.m., it's the Brown Bag Blues on FM 94.9. Two hours of the most down-home, gritty blues you can get on the radio. Muddy to John Lee. Kenny Wood of the Black Keys. Grizzled veterans, the wet-behind-the-ear baby bands. If it's blues, we'll take it out of the bag. We'll play it Sunday mornings at 7. The Brown Bag Blues on FM 94.9. Sometimes life kind of feels like, well, a juggling act. Fortunately, Cricket Wireless helps keep things in control with a cool smartphone like the Sanyo Zayo by Kyocera for under $100. And the best part is Cricket's great unlimited plan with talk, text, and data for only $55 a month. Way less than those other guys. And an awesome price for a smartphone. The Zio's perfect for keeping up with friends and family on Facebook, Google Maps to get around, and has access to tons of other apps. So do yourself a favor and get the Android-powered Zio for $99.99 with no contracts or hidden fees, plus unlimited talk, text, and data for just $55 a month. Visit a Cricut store or mycricut.com today. So smart, so Cricut. Limited time offers.
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We have Sarah Palin here now. I just want to ask you, Sarah, because obviously you approved of doing this. Well, of course. Why would you do it if clearly it appears that it didn't open well? Oh, really, Mike? How many people have gone to see your documentary? I don't have a documentary. Exactly. I guess your point is that you have one, I don't have one, so why am I criticizing? Someone has a need to make a documentary about me. Okay, that's true. Continue on with the questions, please. Does it bother you that it looks like less and less people are liking you, for lack of a better term? Well, that's interesting, Mike. We should ask the people from your former show what they think about you. Speaking of... Oh, wow. Listen, Sarah, that's interesting. You can't just sit over there like a big old pot and call this kettle black. Doesn't sound like you're very happy. Sounds like you're crabby. I've got these allegations coming from a man who I'm not even sure who you are or why I'm here, really. You're here.
Because we're the only radio show willing to speak with you. It's a Christian rock station? No, it is not a Christian rock station. Are you sure? No, I'm positive. I'm positive of that. I heard some of your podcasts. You know, you're only... Listen. It doesn't sound like you're getting very positive feedback from your speaking engagements either, by the way. Well, that's interesting. I saw you had a speaking engagement. Where is it? Jamul? Jamul? California? It's actually pronounced Hamul. Oh, yeah. It's actually pronounced Hamul. Oh, yeah. Hot spot. How'd that go? It actually went well, all right? Yeah. It did. You don't have to get it. Maybe. I get what you're doing. More people have heard of my town in Alaska than Jamul, California. All right. Fine. Fine. It's Hamul. It's Hamul. Thank you. Sarah Palin, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Unnecessary. She got you, pal. Wheel of Pain coming up. Great. All right.
Finish this sentence. I don't trust anyone that blank. I don't trust anybody has a P.O. box. What are you up to? I agree. What are you up to? What are you doing? You've got a house. You've got an apartment. You've got a plate. What do you need that for? What are you doing in there? You're not self-employed either. Yeah. Don't pull that bit on me. Don't pull that bit. You're running a mail order something. Every time I go into freaking mailboxes and beyond or whatever it's called. Mailboxes, et cetera. Right. It's bed, bath, and et cetera, isn't it? No, no, bed, bath, and beyond. Whenever I go into mailboxes, et cetera, and I see the dude with a little key opening up his little box and reaching in there and I'm like, what's that from?
Some prostitution ring or something? Some female prisoner? Yes. He's there for the et cetera. Yeah, he is. He is totally there for the et cetera. Chances that every single time you see that guy at the mailbox, he has a mustache. He's wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap. Just a silver fox, real good. I don't trust anybody that what? Pops their collar. Oh, good one. Gosh, darn. Yeah, they pop their collar. You know something's up. What do you do? Like, what are you up to? What's that for? Because there was a first time you popped it. Yeah. And you had the brazenness to pop it the first time. You're saying something about yourself, and I believe that something is, I'm a rapist. Yeah, I think you're right. I think you're 100% right. It's either that or I have Rufinol in my possession. Right now. Right now. No. I carry it in my wallet. It's in my collar. That's why it's up so high. Yeah. I carry Rufinol in my wallet. M1, Rocky Boy from San Diego. People who wear Ed Hardy. Oh, yeah. I don't trust anybody that wears Ed Hardy. Can't do it. No. You're shady. Real shady. If it's a mom, like a cougar mom that's wearing it, she cheats on her husband.
Guaranteed. It's a guarantee. Cougar mom that wears that already. Big sparkly tiger across her butt. Yeah. Guaranteed. She's making love of the Arrowhead man. A hundred percent. M1. Shelly from Carlsbad. Hey guys, I love you, but I don't trust anybody who tells me to trust them. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. I know exactly what I'm doing. Wood says that a lot. I say that a lot. Yeah. And I don't trust him. Fair enough. I say it a lot. Yeah, I do. You know what I don't trust? I don't trust anybody that's always taking pictures. They have a camera with them all the time. And they're just taking pictures. I like photography. I like cameras. But I don't bring a camera everywhere. But there's some... Yeah, they are. Either that or, you know... What are you taking pictures of that for? It's a girl. You don't know her. I don't trust anybody that's giving me something for free. Don't. You. You must not trust anyone, Jay. I don't. Don't. You. To be clear, I love them. I don't trust them. I don't trust them. But I love them. I don't like to look at them, but I like to touch them. That's right. 570-1949. M1 Casper from Otay Mesa. You don't trust who? I don't ever trust a girl that doesn't have tan lines. Dirty little baby.
What does it tell you? Well, I mean, there's a couple of things that really could, I guess, mean. She's a stripper. She's in the tanning not too much. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You mean you don't trust a girl that has tan lines? No, doesn't have them. It means she tans new. Oh, I got you. You don't trust a girl with a tan that doesn't have tan lines? Right, right. Got it. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a great one. A girl with a tan that doesn't have tan lines. Oh, dirty birdie. Yeah, you're filthy. She's naked at the pool. Yeah, she's an adult film star. Or an adult film star. Yes. I got one. What? I don't trust any man that would wear a bolo tie. Why wouldn't you ever? That guy is a card racketeer. He might be a crooked sheriff. Yeah, he might be a crooked sheriff. He's probably a crooked sheriff. Do not trust a man in a bolo tie. A rapist, maybe a pedophile. I don't trust the guy that stays late at work by himself all the time. All the time. By himself. I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it. I got this. You guys can go ahead and go home. He's taking care of it, all right. And that asks you, what are you doing? Are you going home? Yeah, I guess. You're not going to come back for anything, are you? Do you think you'll be here for longer? How late do you think you're going to stay tonight? I'm going to go.
I'm just packing my stuff up. I got a few more things I got to do here. It's going to be a while. What are you doing? I have work. Catching up on stuff. Your computer? Most of the work I do on the computer, yeah? You're just doing stuff there at the computer, huh? Yeah, I don't want to take this work clunky laptop. I don't want to take it home with me. Hey, just between you and me, am I going to find anything weird if I go on your history on your browser? No. No? It refreshes, clears the cache. Out. History. Out. You're stuttering. You're stuttering. M1 Ms. Dodgeball from San Diego. You there? Yes, I am. She was actually calling to tell us what she doesn't trust. You don't trust somebody that what? I don't trust any girl that compliments my relationship over and over. So she says, oh, you guys look so cute together. Oh, he's so happy. Oh, he's so happy to be with you. You guys are so lucky. It's all of it. She's trying to sleep with him.
L.O.B. instantly gave you a look that said, yes, that's 100% true, and started to shake her head yes, and Woods instantly put his index finger to the side of his head and twirled it. Happened to me. Absolutely. So you're telling me that girls, when they... I can tell... Okay, okay. Thank you for the call. I gotta ask L.O.B. My wife picks something... Very rarely does my wife say, That one makes me nervous. Okay. In fact, she's only said it like twice in however many years. Okay. But one time she said it, let me tell you what made her say it. The most innocuous thing in the world. We're out to dinner. Whole bunch of people. We're out to dinner. Okay. Person in question. There's another married person. We all get our food. And she asked me this person.
If she can try what I'm having. And I go, sure. She goes, and by the way, the person's a foodie. And so she takes her fork and she takes it off my plate. Now, I don't notice that. That's not unusual to me. It's not strange. It's unless you're a germaphobe. Now, if you're a germaphobe, that might get you. And you go, ooh. But to me, it was like, whatever. She wants to try it. My wife thought that that was a flirtatious move. Every guy in here says no. No. And L.O.B. says with her. And L.O.B. has a look in her eyes right now that says, Mike, not only is it true, it doesn't even need to be debated. It's 100 percent true. Case closed. Overdone Rebecca's right. Girls ever crazy? Yep. There's an exception to the rule. If it were like a really good friend or like a best friend of Rebecca's. Was not. If it's just this like blase, like mutual. This blase whore. Yeah. Yes. Then it's, there's a little fortress around you that she shouldn't be invading. Well, she didn't give him a lap dance. No. She just tried a piece of his duck larange. And if a guy that was a mutual friend.
said, what is that? And she goes, it's da-da-da-da-da. And he goes, can I try it? And she goes, yeah. And he takes a bite of it and goes, not bad. How should he get the food? Or how should the person get the food? Wait until someone gives you a little divvy out. onto a plate or something like that. Because that means I don't want intercourse. No, but guys are a little more barbaric with their eating habits, so I think if a guy did it, it might be less of a flirtatious move, but a girl knows better. She shouldn't be sticking her fork in other people's plates. What about when she had done it? It means I want to make sex with you. I'm going to have sex to you. I'm going to have sex to you. Can I get another plate? Because I want to give a little bit of food to somebody. Here, I have mine. Let me cut it up. You should have fed it to her. Yeah, just put it right in her mouth. Well, if she wants... Don't stick your fork where I'm eating. Oh, goodness gracious. No. Because if you do... Because if you do put your fork where my boyfriend's eating... Sex. It means you want to sex... It means you feel very comfortable with this man that you shouldn't feel comfortable with. Gorgeous. Leave the food sharing to me, sister. Which is...
Which is be crazy. Hey, you asked for it. You got it. M1ZZ from La Mesa. Yes, I totally agree with your wife. Oh, this gives me like the heebie-jeebies just even thinking about it right now. It's asking, can I get, can I try that? No, it's the way that they ask, too. It's like, oh, so can I try something? Crazy. I'm crazy. No, get. Seriously, get. So you're saying that what she's really saying is, can I take my fork and make love to you? Wiener time. I don't necessarily want to say that she's going to fork him or anything like that. Yeah, exactly. But, I mean, it's creepy and it's like, it's controlling, like, hey, guess what? I'm taking this off your plate, even though this is your man. It's a power move. Seriously, yeah. It's a power move.
My husband, oh, this is my Sean. You have your own husband. Get out of here. Well, that's different. That's different. If anybody said this is my Rebecca, I'd say this is my foot. If somebody says this is my something, you don't say that. No, that's ridiculous. You don't say that. You don't accidentally grab somebody else's wife's butt and try to pretend that it's your wife and that you messed up. You don't do that. That happens. Does it? Does it? Absolutely. First of all, it didn't happen. It almost happened. It almost happened. It happened. Wait, you don't just throw out it happens as if it happens as often as sneezing. No, but it has happened. It can. It can happen. If it ever happened, I would really be upset with my friend. I would say, I'm wondering if that was a mistake that you're trying to pass off as a mistake. Really? Okay, I'm going to grab Kim's butt and be like, Oh, my gosh. I totally thought it was. And I would go, okay, well, there's one. There's one. Now I get one. Now I get one. No, no. Double Z, I respect you. I respect L.O.B. I respect my wife, but I think that that is a little. We know women. Much. No, you have to have a mind of a woman to understand that. It is a power trip. Hey, can I ask? I just have an honest question. Okay. Okay, go for it. Is it possible?
that she wanted to try my dish? Well, I'm sure she wanted to try it. But the little, the power move. Yeah, it's also a power move. It's like, if you wanted to try it, why didn't you just order it yourself? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Well, I think, I mean, you can definitely share with people on that. And saying to someone, hey, do you think I could get a little piece that I would not mind? But just taking the initiative of sticking your fork, crossing over into his area, and taking it off of his plate, that's something that couples or like, Mother and child do. You don't do that. On the note right there. Unless it's like a shared appetizer or a plate of French fries or something like finger food. Don't take a fork. Finger food. Finger food. I said to her later, I said, she goes, hey, because she's, you know, we're very frank with each other. She goes, hey, that one makes me nervous. I said, how come? She goes, because at dinner.
she asked if she could try something on your plate and you said yes. And she reached over with her fork and twirled it and ate it. And I went, okay, so what's the part though that she goes, that's it. And I went, is she attractive? The girl? Yeah. Yeah. Well, they don't make us nervous. Exactly. Yeah. What if she was three bills? Yeah. Wouldn't have cared. Well, obviously you guys wouldn't either. I wouldn't care if it was anybody. Yeah, but that's different, Woods, because your whole thing is that any guy can do anything with your wife. It doesn't make you jealous. That's not what my deal is. You've said a million times, I don't care enough about Jamie to get jealous for her. You've said that a million times. You're like, hey, look, most guys would get jealous because they want to be protective of their wife. My wife can have sex with whoever. Yeah, I care that little. Screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Call 5701. Or shoot him a text at 949mikey at gmail.com. I got the world by the tail. More of the Mikey Show coming up in minutes. Yeah, boy! On FM 94.9. Sometimes life kind of feels like, well, a juggling act. Fortunately, Cricket Wireless helps keep things in control with a cool smartphone like the Sanyo Zayo by Kyocera for under $100. And the best part is Cricket's great unlimited plan with talk, text, and data for only $55 a month.
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KBZT San Diego, a Lincoln Financial Media Station. And now back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. I don't have any, you know, athletic ability. Lauren. I worked at Comic-Con. Woods. I, to my credit, Steve Woods have a hole in one. And Jay. I love that sappy movie. On FM 94.9. Would you let Eskimo in? All right. She's in the hallway. Eskimo Blue Water is a local musician. Hey, what's up? She comes in. She always wears sunglasses. She's got the rocker look, you know, kind of a rock look, rock vibe. Kind of a female Bret Michaels. I haven't seen a jean skirt that long. It's like all the way to the floor. Yeah, I hemmed it up, actually. It was... Even longer? Yeah, I was stepping on the back of it. So you hemmed it? Yeah. Yeah. It's jean, right? Yeah. It's jean material. Denim. Denim. Yeah. Denim. It's a fancy form of cotton.
Yeah, is it? Yeah, it is. Fancy form of con. Yeah, you get that like thrift stores only, I think. Oh, yeah. Vintage. Vintage, yeah. Yeah, she's very confident. She's very confident. She is. Thank you. She's very confident. She's in, you know, the music scene. Very true. I think, you know, she's played some gigs. Up and coming. Up and coming. I'm not there yet. Up and coming. I'm no Sib. Yeah, right. You're no Sib from Boston. Yeah. Or is it Sig? It's Sib. Really? Really, Eskimo? I thought so, Mike. All right. Okay. All right. What is this? The Woodsy Show? Really? Yeah. How dare you? I'm on board with that. How dare you? How dare you? Oh, wow. She's got on the layered necklaces. Yep. She's doing it real good with a t-shirt. Yeah. Turquoise rings. Yeah. I have a cross on. Yeah. Unlike Lady Gaga, I'm not afraid to proclaim. Right, yeah. And you're also a lot like Bret Michaels in that that's kind of an oversized cross. Yes, it's giant. Yeah. Well, Bret is a good friend. Yeah, is he? Is he? On Twitter, I follow him. Yeah. Yeah. And Bret Simpson, her neighbor, is a good friend. Yeah. I didn't know you knew him. Yeah, yeah. I actually know Bret. But anyway.
Weird, weird, weird. Yeah. But Eskimo comes in. She plugs her gigs and sometimes plays her music. Yeah. Music sounds a lot like other people, though. Yeah, it does. Really? Yes. You guys keep saying that, but it's a fusion. What's her name? It's a fusion of you and Beyonce. She was talking about the formula. Yeah, formulaic. Formulaic. Yeah, I just try to plug it in, you know. Last time you came in, it was kind of a fusion of you and Beyonce. Actually, I think you accused me of a... Plazierism. Rihanna. Rihanna. Oh, yeah, that's who it is. Really? Rihanna. Yeah. Rihanna. Rihanna. Umbrella. Rihanna, was it? Well, you didn't sing Umbrella. You sang My Slicker. Yellow Slicker. Icker. Icker. Yeah, Ick, Ick, Ick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a little slicker. I liked it. Thanks, Yenna. Yeah. She also sang to the right, to the right, everything that's yours in a bag to the right. See, it's sketchy. It is. It's sketchy. It's sketchy in my head. It's sketchy the first time. It's like a virus. Because we've heard it before. Yeah. Oh. So what are you going to play today? What did you bring? Your acoustic? No, I didn't bring my axe with me. You didn't bring your axe? Yeah, we'll get to that. What is that thing?
That's a peanut. Don't worry about that. What? All right. Because we're getting there, you know? She's got a new guitar. Well, I don't think it's a guitar. You can't see it from over there, but it ain't a guitar. Okay. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm kind of, I fall on a little bit of hard times. Have you? We were just talking about that. Do you want the $3 I just won from Mikey? No, no, I mean, I can make it. I'm a warrior. I love that. I'm a mustang. I'm a warrior. Her story is a lot like Jules. It is, man. Well. I don't know who that is. Jewel, you don't know who Jewel is? I feel like it's like hip-hop. She's into hip-hop. No. She's not. No. Acoustic. Acoustic stuff. Kind of like you. Kind of like yourself. Yeah. Instead of living out of a Mustang, she lived out of a van. And instead of dating Steve Maltz, who's your boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend? Ex. Ex-boyfriend. She did Steve Paltz. Yeah. Well, I don't know. But she's different. Everyone has a name, right? Yeah, everyone does. My name's Eskimo. I'm sure there's other Eskimos out there. Yeah, I'm sure there's not. But anyway, because... You guys know that Blue Oyster Cold is headlining the fair, right? I saw that. I did, too. I'm excited. I saw that they're there. Well, I talked to their tour bus driver, and he actually... You talked to their tour bus driver? I'm not finished. Okay, I'm sorry. He got me an audition to play cowbell. Wow. Yeah. You must be honored. Well, I mean, I was, but then the thing was, he never even told the band.
So I got made out with this greasy fat guy for no reason. Gross. He was throwing his weight around trying to get her a gig. Is that right? Yeah, he was literally throwing his weight around. So you made out with him? I made out with him. How embarrassing. I know. And in doing so, I missed the deadline to play my own music because I was all wrapped up in the Blue Oster Colt. Oh, wow. Do you know how to play cowbell? I mean, I guess you could. Yeah, I mean, come on. Yeah. And we all know we need more of it. Yeah, exactly. That's all I know about it. Just bang the thing with a gemstone. Plus, I mean, they need a chick up there, so. Do they? Yeah. Okay. They probably do. They're a little old. Yeah. They could use a fresh look. So could she. All right. I think we get that. I just decided to kind of branch out now creatively. Are you? Yeah, you know, I never want to really just typecast myself anyway as a recording artist. But you are a recording artist. Yeah, but you know, what happens when that falls through? I mean, music is a dying medium. Yeah, is it? No, isn't it a growing medium? You know, I think the new bit these days is to really be like a triple threat. You know, like sing, dance, act. Are you dancing and acting?
Yeah. I grew up doing all that stuff. Oh, wow. Cool. That's cool. I take pictures, graphic design. All that. I got a webcam. So I'm thinking about doing some sort of YouTube blog. Vlog. Vlog. Vlog. Video blog. Yeah, that should be cool. Yeah. But anyway, so next week I'm auditioning for the Bing Crosby stage at the San Diego Fair. Yeah. And, you know, I'd be happy to tell you what I do, but... I think my friend Peanut here can tell you all about it. Is that what's in the box? Yeah. Isn't that right, Peanut? Oh, my God. What? You have a freaking puppet? Hey, my hair is crazy today. What is this? You have a puppet. What is happening? It's a dummy, Woods. I didn't know. No, no, no. You're a dummy. It's a wooden doll. You're a ventriloquist. First of all, I'm not a dummy. That's the worst ventriloquist I've ever seen. Ever. Really, Woods? Yeah, really. How many ventriloquists have you even seen? Yeah, what? None. Are you going to let him talk to you like that, Peanut? He called you a doll. What? How dare you? Oh, my God. Mikey is on the floor right now.
He's out of his chair. He's on the floor. He's rolling. Oh, my God. Don't pee in your pants, Mike. What the heck? Eskimo, where did you find this doll? It's actually, I made it. You made it. You whittled it. Yeah. No. Your lips are moving. You need some water? Eskimo, listen. Here's some water. Seriously. Here, have some water. Listen to me. When you do that. You can't move. You can't move your lips. I'm not. Oh, you are. You are. What are you talking about? You're moving your lips more than you do when you normally talk, actually. It's like my head hurts. You're supposed to, like, move. You're supposed to move the dummy's mouth. Like, the dummy's mouth isn't opening or closing. I'm trying. Look, I'm working it out. Okay? You guys are seeing it firsthand.
Dude, ventriloquism is rad. I'm sure it is. It is rad. Please nobody make a t-shirt that says ventriloquism is rad. Dude, it is. That's brilliant. It comes from Greece. I bet you didn't know that, Mikey. No. And it means literally to speak from the stomach. Oh, thank God. You know, that's what I do. I sing from the heart and I speak from the stomach. Yes, you did, Mikey! Oh, my God. Yes, she does. Look, Mikey, I'm a ventriloquist, too. Hi, Mikey. It's Woodsy. You're using your hands. Your hand's mouth is opening and closing, though. Hey, it's Woodsy in the morning.