The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 09/13/10

1:06Monday, September 13th. That seems like it happened very quickly. Welcome to the program. It's the Mikey Show. Broadcasting live from scenic Mission Valley. That's right. From downtown. Downtown Mission Valley. And waiting for your calls. 570-1949. Look at that. They're already coming in. I like it. We want to talk about the weekend. We want to talk about everything. Maybe we... Maybe we sing a goodbye song to Summer since it's clearly gone and, you know. Clearly. Just do the whole thing. Goodbye, Summer. It was nice having you. You were so sweet, those four days. So, anyway, we've got so much stuff to go over. Call us right now, 570-1949, or you can text us, 949mikey at gmail.com. Look at this. M1Herald from San Marcos is...

2:11First up, what's going on, Harold? Yeah. How are you, bro? I wanted to be the first. I wanted to congratulate you on your well-deserved brand new studio. Oh, yeah. Wednesday it begins. It's not today. It's Wednesday. I don't know if you thought it was. Oh, you thought it was today? A little early, pal. Oh, wow. Better set your alarm on Wednesday. Oh, yeah. Wow. I got to call again on Wednesday. You got to call again on Wednesday. Yeah, today is not. The first day in our studio. Poor Harold. Woods lied to me. I did not. Okay, maybe you didn't. I didn't. Yeah, no, it's on Wednesday. We would love that call on Wednesday, Harold. Dude, why'd your screener put me through? Man, what's his name? Today it's Will. Will. Austin hasn't been here in nine years. Don't know why I said that. No, it's Will. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe you misunderstood. That's cool.

3:11Well, congratulations anyway. Thank you. I appreciate it. Can't wait till we're in there. Me too. Harold just playing the blame game real good. Yeah. Blame me. Blame Will. Blame Mikey. Yeah. Blaming our engineers. Booz Allen Hamilton. That's right. The building. Maybe it's their fault. Yeah. I can't wait. I can't wait to get into that thing. I can't either. Already very trepidatious to see how the first day shakes out. We need to do a little more practice. You know, I was thinking about that, though, and I just don't know what to do. It's kind of like, you know what, you can take ground balls all day, but it doesn't matter until you get out on the field. You know what I mean? It just doesn't matter. And I can give you a car analogy with it, is that I feel like we have taken a look at the car, and I'm like, oh, there's an engine. Oh, man. Stereo looks great. Seats are comfy. There is. You know, we got keys. Sounds good. Purring like a kitten. We've tried starting it up. Windows tinted. Yeah. But it's not until you start driving and you get into first, second, and third gear that you go, there's a little thing there between second and third and, you know, all of that stuff. We haven't driven at nighttime yet. We've only driven in the day. So we didn't think to try those headlights out. That kind of deal. I'm scared.

4:33You are? Oh, man. The engineers are talking to me about buttons that I don't even know. They're like, here's a button. This is a button, button, button, button, button. Oh, man. They are quick with that info. Like, they're looking at you two. They're looking at Jay and Mikey. And Laura and I are just sitting there. Yeah. Because we don't have to do any buttons or anything. And they're going, okay, now when you want to dump here, you need to put here. And you put that right in the program. And I'm looking at them going. Yeah. And on your left foot. Only on your left foot. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I've been doing. I've been in radio for 23 years. And so I. understand the concept of a control board. But even me, when he was explaining it, I was like, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? They speak a different language. Yeah, they do. They're smart. Yeah, they're smart. We're not. Yeah. They look at you like you're dumb. I am dumb. We'll figure it out. They're really good, man. They know what they're up to. And so no doubt about it, they're going to help us. It looks phenomenal. It does. And they whip that thing together. Amazing. I've never seen anybody work that hard, that quick. No. It was like zero to hero in 60 seconds. It's true. Yep. Okay. So the VMAs were last night, so we got to talk about that. Football started yesterday. Got to talk about that. What's the latest with the Quran burning? I'm Mikey. That's Woods. That's Lauren. Sienna's not here because she's out on maternity leave, but hopefully we'll get to see her this week.

5:54Would love to. Yeah, and Jay is our producer, and you are M1s. M1s make up our listenership. It means a lot to be an M1 and belong to the M1 Nation and be a part of this thing called the Mikey Show. You know us very, very intimately like friends, just like friends. You get to know us on a real personal level, and we love that. You're a part of the M1 Nation. And what does it mean to be a part of the M1 Nation? It means that as an M1, you turn your radio down, get to the point, and don't cuss. When you call into the show, you're also making new M1s all the time. You're telling people about our show. You're listening for long periods of time. And, you know, you're spreading the word. You're getting M1 Nation out there. That's what being an M1 is. We have websites devoted to it. You know, you've got MikeyShow.com. We even have fans that have started their websites. So you can go to M1Site.com and check out everything that's going on. I called out some of the M1 Siders real good. M1 Siders? Yeah. What do you mean by that? I called them out. What is an M1 Sider? Because every now and then I'll go poke around, see what they're saying. Start sniffing. Yeah, sniff. Kid likes to sniff. Yeah. And I noticed that, you know, we got out, we had a great show, and there was 10 posts about our show, and I was really disappointed. So I called them to the carpet. Yeah. And I said, I'm throwing down the gauntlet. I'm going to challenge you guys.

7:19To be a little bit better every day. Really? I sure did. What did they say? They said, well, we're sorry. We had a bad day. That's hysterical. Everybody's entitled. That's hysterical. Wow. I compared them to some Padres fans. You did? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Yeah. Gets not afraid. You're in a mood that day. I was in a mood. He's a sports guy. That's right. That's right. Word of the day today is patches. Okay, the word of the day today is patches. Now, when you hear me work that cleverly into a sentence, caller nine will win what today, Jay? Today we have a pair of Muse tickets. Muse. Muse. Muse. All right, so if you want to go see Muse, you're listening for the word of the day. And then caller nine wins them. At 7.30 this morning, we will play our first ever Mexican roulette. Yes. You just call it roulette. You will hear all about it in just a bit. We'll be playing some Mexican roulette. Oh, boy. Come on. Uh-oh. My mouse. What happened? It started yesterday morning at 10 a.m. Pacific, the NFL. I didn't see but two minutes of it, though, because we had to go to a little kid party for my son, Jake. Yes.

8:52But that was fun, you know? And so, who am I kidding? I wanted to watch some football, but listen, I had fun at that thing. Equally as fun. No. Nope. No, it isn't equally as fun. Not for a guy, but it was a good time. In fact, one of the mothers of one of the children came up to Mike and said, Wow, look at you. You're here. There's football. Uh-oh. Mike, he's looking at her like, Yeah, you don't think I haven't thought about this already? Salt in an open wound. Yeah, that's right. But good games yesterday, right? Yeah, absolutely. It's nice to see football back. It was. And I'll tell you the surprise for me because I am a former Niner fan is how much they stunk yesterday. Boy, they stunk the joint up, dude. And I can't figure out if it's that the Niners really suck or if the Seahawks are really good now. Yeah, I guess maybe Pete Carroll knows what he's doing. You think? Maybe. It's about time the Seahawks are good again. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I was just real surprised.

9:51I wanted to see some of these rookies. Yeah. I thought six points. I was like, they can do better than six points with what they've gotten. Everybody was all about Alex Smith and how great he had played in the preseason. I mean, I don't think he played all that bad, but just couldn't get any points on the board. Yeah. A couple of guys yesterday, running backs, going off. Went nuts. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was... I was going to say your boy, but it wasn't. Your guy is Adrian Peterson. Yeah, AP did okay the other night. In fantasy football, our program director took Chris Johnson. Good move. Yeah, he had a pretty good game yesterday, didn't he? Yeah, he did. Ran for a couple hundred yards and looked really good. How about those Houston Texans? Yeah. Beating the Colts. Yeah. When Peyton Manning throws for 430 yards in three TDs and they lose. Maybe you fix your defense. Arian Foster, the running back for the Houston Texans, 231 yards and three touchdowns. Probably a 15th round draft pick. Oh my gosh. In our fantasy league. Yeah, and just did great. Raiders, not so good. Everybody was all high on the Raiders. Yeah, look, they won all day. Jason Campbell's going to save the franchise. They're playoff bound. Yeah, no, that didn't happen.

11:13This is a reason that people need to take notice of, you've heard this a million times, don't pay any attention to the preseason. Right. Because the Raiders looked real good in the preseason. Well, they didn't look so good yesterday. Yeah, the Broncos, that was a shocker to me. I thought they were going to be coming out a little bit more loaded, man. The Jaguars took it to them, too, beat them by a touchdown. Good, we like that. That's right. LOB. your Philadelphia Eagles almost came back and won that game. I know. I didn't see but one second of it. Yep. The Packers, they were playing the Packers and just getting their butt kicked. I kept refreshing it. Yeah. My fantasy thing. Looks like the Kevin Cobb era may not have lasted very long in Philadelphia. Yeah, they're going to put that on hold for about four weeks as he's got a concussion. They said anywhere from two to four weeks. Yeah, I'm surprised Andy Reid didn't say, you know, we're going to give him about 16 weeks to heal up. Just leave a dog killer in there. Michael Vick. Yeah, convicted dog killer. Yeah, Woodsy's real. Convicted of fighting or convicted of killing? Killing. Murdering. Fighting. Murdering. Nice. He killed him. No, he killed him. He did. He drowned him. He drowned him. He's just a...

12:33He's just a solid citizen. I couldn't think of a better place for that guy to play. What does he want to make retribution, though? Yeah, absolutely, man. Serve a couple days, you're fine. No, he served more than a couple of days. He did serve more than a couple of days. Keep defending Mike Vick. You defended Ray Lewis this morning. No, I just said he was never convicted. Mike Vick was convicted. Here's the thing I say about Mike Vick. You know, Mike Vick did something really terrible, which I have too. I've done terrible things in my life. Me too. Ditto. And everybody goes, well, yeah, but did you kill dogs? Well, no, but I have cheated before. I've done terrible things, you know, like with girlfriends. Not like sadistic stuff, though. Like, that's sadistic. Okay. That's like the creepiest of the creepy. You know. Killing dogs. Listen. You know how I feel. I know. I know. But. He's got five dogs. Yeah. To some people. Well, here's my point. What I was getting to, I guess, is that. What's the best case scenario? The best case scenario is it doesn't kill dogs anymore. That'd be the best case scenario. Another best case scenario is that he says, you know what, I was wrong about that. Another best case scenario would be that...

13:49He does some stuff with the SPCA to show that he wants to be different. He's a good dude. I'm not saying that. That nightclub shooting about three months ago. The guy's an upright citizen, bro. He's too much of a specimen not to let him play football. He's an upright citizen. There's no question. I'm not arguing with you. Wow. Woodsy does not want to give the guy a second chance. It will take him. A ninth chance. I'm glad people gave me a second chance. Hey, me too. Me too. And a third and a fourth and a fifth and a sixth. I start killing dogs and getting in nightclub shootings and we'll have a problem. All right. Woodsy's had issues with the law more than once, more than twice. More than five times. Yes, more than five times. I don't kill innocent defenseless animals either. And I'm glad that people gave you a shot. Because I love you. Don't compare me to that guy. Woodsy. Moving forward, right? We're looking ahead. That's right. You're not going to be cheering on Michael Vick this year, that's for sure. Fortunately, I will. Oh, my gosh. I know. I can't help it. I will, too. I mean, until he does something real. Until he, you know, screws with dogs again, I'll go, wow, that stinks. I guess a guy's not different. Well, I had an old friend, a real big sports guy, that told me once that it's not about the name that's on the back of the jersey.

15:14About the name that's on the front of the gym. Yeah. That's right. Unless that guy's a felon. Hey, and believe me, I grew up a Cowboy fan. I mean, come on. I had to sit and defend Mike Irvin and all these dudes. Believe me. You didn't have to defend me against anyone to know why, man. Everything. Hey, listen. Ain't nothing ever been proved, man, right? And that's the point you were making is that unless I am proven... to be guilty, then there ain't no reason to convict Michael Irvin in the court of public opinion. Oh, wow. Michael Irvin had some history with Philly, too, huh? That's right, man. Broke his neck. Yeah. What did they do? What did they do? They cheered in the stands, man. That is wrong. Despicable fans. Despicable fans. I saw another team last night that's obviously been reading their press clippings about how they're going to be the greatest and win the Super Bowl in their home stadium. Yeah, that didn't work out too well for those Dallas Cowboys. I have a new bit. My wife and I do. We were Cowboys fans growing up. You didn't have a choice. You had Aikman, Emmett, Irvin, the triplets. The guys were winners. They were great. Aikman was a good guy. Emmett Smith, great guy. Michael Irvin, not so much. But he was kind of our thug. He was kind of our thug. Yeah.

16:35Dude, since Romo's gotten there, the Cowboys, to me, have turned into a team that I watch. It's weird. I watch them, and when they do something wrong or bad, I'm like... My wife, too, she goes, I hate him. I hate him now. Hey, I'm on board with that. And she goes, I can't watch Romo. And I go, I know. He's ruined it for me. He's got a smug mug. Tony Hollywood. Maybe turn your hat around and go out and throw the ball through the tire in the backyard and stop worrying about trying to sleep with supermodels. I got you. Just maybe. Yeah. Oh, dude. And they came out last night and laid an egg against the Redskins. Yeah, they lost 13-7. Yep. Against the Redskins. Tonight there's two Monday night football games, in case you didn't know. Big, big ones. Mm-hmm. First one's at 4 o'clock guard time, Ravens-Jets. Another murderer. There we go. Who wins that game? Jets, I hope. Oh, no. Well, the Jets are playing at home. Although I got Anquan Bolden. He's got to get 43 points for me to catch up. He has to score 19 touchdowns tonight. Still in it. Am I going to walk the walk and back up what I say? Because if I say that the preseason doesn't mean anything, then maybe I take the Jets because, boy, they look terrible in the preseason. I mean, just terrible. So did Mark Sanchez. He just looked terrible. Yeah. But I'll take the Jets. You're going to take the Jets? I'm going to take the Ravens tonight. You're probably the right one.

17:57I'm going to take the Ravens, and I'm taking the Chargers big. Chargers, absolutely. Maybe I'm a Chargers fan now. I don't know. You know what I mean? I'm like a man on a boat lost at sea right now. What do you mean maybe? I'm lost at sea. If you don't have a team, why not be a Chargers team? I'd be a Chargers fan. Chargers fan, I mean. Yeah, maybe you live here now. They play at 7.15 tonight. They're traveling to Arrowhead, and there's something weird going on with Dexter. McLean, I think is his name. From the Chiefs? From the Chiefs. Yeah, what's the bit? Well, the bit is they're saying he's not going to play tonight because he's sick. But the deal is he's been sick for a while. Really? And I was reading something that was like, something smells suspicious. Is he corner? Corner, yeah. Yeah. So I don't know what's up with that, dude. Well, I don't know, man. It was just really cool to get home from my baseball game yesterday, flip on, you know. The highlights and watch highlights all afternoon was pretty cool. Yep. It's good that football's back. So that's one deal. The other deal is that the pastor from Florida has decided that he is calling off the Koran burning and he's calling it off forever. Good. He's going to not ever do it. So 1459 on the clock for that guy. Yeah. Well, trust me. I don't believe that we've heard the last of Pastor Jones.

19:20I think that now he's gotten a little taste of limelight. And so something else. He'll be trying for a reality show. A reality show or some other issue will come up and he'll want to do something controversial because he'll remember what happened before. Maybe he goes on Dancing with the Stars. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe he's a new American Idol judge. Could be. Are they still looking for one of those clones? Could be. So it could be that. He apparently traveled to... New York on Friday to talk to the imam. Like, how? Why? What status do you have? I know. Who are you? So you do something nutty and you get a meeting with the imam. Yes! That's what I'm talking about. President Obama said that he hoped that Jones would pray on it and decide that he didn't want to do it. It's about time.

20:21And he did. And he's not. Still kooky. Just kooky. Let's see. And the other deal was last night was the MTV Video Music Awards. Why don't they just call them awards since MTV doesn't even play music anymore? I know it. Just call it the awards. Did you guys watch it? I didn't either. I saw a bunch of, like, when I couldn't sleep last night, I saw a bunch of highlights online. But that was about as close as I got. Anything interesting happen? I saw Lady Gaga wore a meat suit. Really? Raw meat from her head down to her toes. She wore a meat suit? Meat suit, like a little meat hat. It appeared to be real meat. A meat helmet. Yeah. She wore, like, several costumes, but when she accepted one of her awards from Cher, she had a meat costume on. Yeah, I guess she's the new Madonna. She loves to shock us. Aren't you shocked and titillated, Mikey? I'm so shocked. Are you titillated? Yeah, titillated. She got eight awards, though.

21:23That almost was a record. I saw the record was Peter Gabriel, Sledgehammer. Wow. He got 10 back in the day. I think that was like 87 or something. There you go, Gaga. Now you have something to shoot for next year. Did you see that Cher was wearing her outfit that she wore on the Battleship video shoot? If I could turn back down. Wasn't she 40 when she recorded that? Yeah, she's 73 now. She's 82. She still looked pretty good. Plastic surgery does wonders. She looked pretty good. And then Taylor Swift did some song. I didn't hear it. She did some song. Like a really sad, serious song to Kanye. It was about what Kanye did. last year at the VMAs. To maybe win one of these someday, but I never actually thought that would happen. So then she does this very somber performance. Let's listen to the lyrics and see what we can gather. What? Love to soften your war pine. I thought she said, left yourself in your war path. No, I think she said, I left my cell in my war pine. Yeah, war pine. War pine. War pine. Lost your balance on a tightrope? Yep.

23:20Mustard man trying to get back in. Wasn't it easy girl in your lunchbox tapes? Easier in your lunchbox tapes. Lunchbox tapes. Okay. Same. Always a bigger bird. Big girl, I think. Always a big girl. Big girl then. Always a big girl then. I was a big girl. You were a big girl then. She was never a big girl, to be honest. Wish they would do... you know, the closed caption. The lyrics underneath? Yeah. With the bouncing ball? Yeah, like you're seeing a French movie. Can you imagine our new nanny from Hungary trying to listen to this and gather anything from it? That's the technique that the singer-songwriters are going for now. What is it? Because then you have to listen again. To be very vague and not really enunciate. Thanks for bringing the room down.

24:51I love her. She's so cute. I think that's actually a pretty good song. Me too. The lyrics are, what am I gay? What am I talking about? Good Lord. She writes, I mean. Where's Woods? She's rare enough that she writes her own stuff, and that's a pretty mature, bigger person kind of move to make. I can picture Kanye sitting in the audience, one single tear rolling down his face. Well, he apparently did his own performance where he's like, I effed up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They need to do a duet. Yeah, good call, Jay. Maybe they'll start dating. Oh, my gosh. She's cute. I like her. She is cute, man. I think so, too. She's a little sweetheart. And, Woods, I appreciate you being honest. I like it. Damn it. It's very pretty. It was very pretty. Very melodic. Great. Woods is afraid that he lost some of his man card right there. He did. Apparently my piece is curled up inside my body. He's just like a little turtle. Yeah, exactly. If things weren't already bad for the Padres, wait until Woods tells you about how they just got worse and they may be getting even, they didn't get any easier. Woodsy will explain on Woods on Sports. And we have the panel where we talk about a Chinese woman suing the movie theater. The movie theater is like, we're sorry, we're sorry.

26:16She's like, I don't want to hear it. I'll tell you all about it, what the deal is. Phone number here is 5701949. If you want to get a hold of us, don't forget the word of the day is patches. And so when you hear us use the word patches in a sentence, is that what the word of the day was? Did I say that earlier? Patches? Patches. Yeah, patches. When you hear me say the word patches and I work that into a sentence real cleverly, then you call us, 5701949. And you will win tickets to go see Muse. So you're listening for it. At 7.30 we're going to play Mexican Roulette. First ever Mexican Roulette will be played at 7.30. And I also told you that Woodsy was going to tell you why things are not so good for the Padres. Well, first of all, they weren't going good. And it didn't get any easier for them. And they're not making it any easier on themselves. And so we'll tell you about it in just a bit. I felt bad for Lauren because Lauren had one of those nights where

28:09Well, first of all, you had coffee too late. Yep. Right? How late? Two. That's too late? Three. I didn't think it was. Well, and then once you try to go to sleep and you just start focusing on it and obsessing on it and you're like, I have to fall asleep. I have to fall asleep. I have to fall asleep. And you can't because you're focused. She tried sleeping upside down. What is that? I mean, I put my head where my feet usually go. Oh, wow. Is that a bit? It's supposed to be. It's just to change up the position. I tried sleeping on the other side of the bed because I have a queen. I always sleep on one side. I tried to sleep on that side. That didn't work. I went upside down. I tried the ocean seedy. Seagulls kept me awake. You ended up... I slept out on the couch. You ended up calling the police and the animal control. When I say slept, I mean I laid out on the couch. I counted sheep. I tried tensing different parts of my body. Did you try the pod? The pod? I tried going... That's what I do. I pretend I'm in a pod. I didn't sleep at all. And revitalizing sleep oxygen. Sleep induced oxygen is flowing into my little pod. I tried it, Mike. It didn't work. Initiate pod. I tried watching True Blood at 2am just to catch a little snooze afterwards.

29:31No sleep. Not a wink. I don't think True Blood is a show you should watch right before you want to go to sleep. I was going to read Eat, Pray, Love, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You really didn't sleep? Not a one. Oh, no. I know. Oh, no, Lauren. Oh, no. Oh, no. Woodsy is laughing and pointing at me. Yeah. I would explain some things. Holy cow. Oh, no. I've had those days. I'll never forget the night before our very first show. You know, I had to be here at 4, 4.30. I slept like a baby. Dude, 1 o'clock in the morning is when I finally drifted off to bed. And then woke up at 2, looked at the clock and went, oh, God, I've got to be up in two hours. And then just spun. I had like an hour of sleep. I didn't. This hasn't happened to me in a long time. I didn't sleep at all. Maybe you have insomnia. Maybe. No, I think it was just one. And then it was like I thought I had bed bugs because I was like so itchy. You know what I mean? I couldn't stop focusing on things. That's when your sheets get all hot, and everything's hot, and you can't get comfortable, and the sheets are all messed up. I'm telling you, dude. Should I tell Mike what I showed you this morning? What? The picture. Oh, yeah. Ready for this? This is what I walk into this morning. I said, I have a picture on my laptop. I show Woods. I said, do you see Jesus in this?

30:51And where's the picture from, L.O.B.? My shower. Holy cow. I swear. So I'm taking a shower. It's like crazy. I know. It's like 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm looking at, I have this stone wall in my shower. And I was like, oh, that looks like George Harrison. And then I got closer, and I was like, it's Jesus. It's Jesus. Show him. There's nothing there. Then you're like, no, wait. No way. It's Aunt Jemima. I pointed it to what? I was like, does that look like Jesus to you? He's like, no, I don't see it. There's nothing there. Of course you can. It's clearly the Apostle Paul. Where did it go? Where did it go? It was in her shower. Oh, here he is. Here he is. Lauren, did you go?

31:50I have to get a picture of this. Yeah. Where is Jesus? Look, ready? Let me see. Do you see? No! You don't see that? It's like a side profile. Don't tell me. Don't show me. I have to make him out for myself. You'll never find him. Hang on. If anyone will find him, it's going to be Mike. Yeah, that's true. I thought you already found Jesus. Do you see him, Mike? No! No, show me. Right? Here how show me how it works. Here's his beard The white or the black the black part is his beard and there's his cheek and his nose. That's his dark eye Right now there's gonna be All sorts of people flocking to your house to look in your shower. Yeah, you're going to have old women. Latino women. Yeah, old Latino women with rosary beads in their hands. Do you want to hear the next craziest part? Yeah. Okay, so I was in the shower. Can we post that on MikeyShow.com? I need to draw a circle around it. Yes. So I was in the shower, right? So a droplet of water was falling down, and I was like, Jesus is crying. Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow. I think L-O-B.

33:08Maybe you should just go back to the office and lay down for a little bit. I think I may have gone off the deep end. And then, so you got out of the shower, went and got your camera. The first time, it didn't take because I had the flash on, so it was just a white wall. Right. And you're like, ugh. Yeah, and then after I took the picture, I could see it in the picture, but I couldn't find it on the wall anymore. This is the greatest. It's the greatest. And I was like, man, I wonder if I should, like... Post this. People see it in their potato chips and stuff. Yeah. Some people see it in a grilled cheese sandwich. In fact, my wife gave a little pocket book. It was a book, but it's real small. She gave it as a gift to a friend of ours, and all this book was was photos of Jesus found in bologna. Jesus found in grilled cheese sandwiches. Jesus found in a rock. Everywhere where people saw the image of Jesus. I saw it, and it wasn't Jesus, then it was George Harrison. It was one of the two. Either or. Either or is one of the two. It's fantastic. Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. I'm going to tell you guys about the Padres in a second, and then I have to tell you about Woodsy's perfect turd weekend.

34:37In sports. Okay. But first and foremost, the Chargers are taking on the Chiefs tonight. Monday night football. Game's at 7.15. I'll see about 20 minutes of that. Yeah. So that'll be real sweet. I'll see about five minutes. You'll see about five minutes. Here is Coach Norv Turner on the first game. Cut one. The one thing about the way I put this schedule together was hopefully great preparation and then extra rest these last couple days, which should give us great energy. He has great energy. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I told the guys that, you know, they might want to have a balance bar before they get in the car to drive to the stadium. Or a Luna bar. A Luna bar is good. I even said Tiger's milk will work depending on where you're going shopping. But, you know, balance bar, Tiger's milk, whatever. What do you think, as a longtime Charger fan, what do you think their biggest weakness is? Oh, boy. I would have said offensive line. Receiving. Absolutely. Well, Phillip Rivers isn't too concerned about that. Cut to. I'm excited about the group, and I think collectively they're going to do great things. I mean, they all complement each other in different ways. You know, they're all going to get their fair share of opportunities, and I really like the group mixed in with the tight ends and the backs. I feel very comfortable with what we got. No, they're good. And you know what?

35:59He's good. Yeah, he's throwing the ball. What's that like? I know it. You have a good quarterback that cares about the game, watches film, and is not worried about sleeping with starlets. What? The San Diego Padres have dug themselves into quite a hole, and it's not funny, man. They have lost 13 of 17 games. Yeah, they're in first place. They lead the Giants. You know what the percentage is? Ready? What? .5364 to .5625. Oh, great. That's their lead right now in the West. The Giants won three or four games here at Petco. So now, oh, no problem. Rocky, they get to take on the Rockies now? Who've won 10 in a row? Yeah, they're Padre killers to begin with. And the Rockies are now one and a half games out. Bud Black, what's going wrong? Cut three. Well, we're not scoring enough runs. And we're not making some pitches when we need to. So that's what we've got to do. We've done that all year. You know, we've made pitches. We've made plays. Now we have to get back to getting that big hit. I agree with you, buddy. I do, too. Also, there was some college football this weekend. Boise State has lost a little shine off of them this week. Everyone was really high on them after they beat Virginia Tech. LLB, where did you go to college? JMU. And JMU, which is for the layman. James Madison University. And who did James Madison beat this weekend? Virginia Tech. Holy cow. Holy cow. So Boise State, because of that, everyone was like, oh, my God, they beat Va Tech.

37:23Well, then James Madison comes out and beats Vatek, and it doesn't look as good. Colonial Conference. Yeah, the Colonial Conference. Very good, LOB. Well, it was a rough weekend for the kid, and I'm going to leave it at that. Friday, I started, and I said, hon, what a great weekend. I said, I've got the Irish tomorrow. I got three games, you know, three Yankee games against the Rangers, and I got the Cowboys. You know what I did? I went 0 for 5. The Rangers swept the Yankees. Yeah. Irish lost to Michigan, and the Cowboys lost to the Redskins. I pretty much was like, oh, great. I'm glad I'm not a betting man anymore. Worst team that the Cowboys can lose to as well. Oh, yeah, the Deadskins. And then I've got to tell you guys, this is a little self-indulgent, but I have to tell you about our new baseball team. We used to be the San Diego Brewers. We're the Tipsy Crows now. I'll let Woodsy do this. I know he does. I'll let him do it because I love him. He's a good friend of mine. He's a good friend of mine. He's a good friend of mine. The performance that was turned in by our new starting pitcher, Ben Brough, yesterday. Guy went nine innings. He struck out 16. Hey, if you're new to the Mikey Show, a lot of people, there may be people confused right now. Who, what? Who, what? Tipsy what? The Tipsy Crows is our baseball team. It's a baseball team that Woodsy plays as one of these leagues. Pay to play. Yeah, you know, you pay some.

38:41a couple bucks, and you play in the league. You can be a 35-year-old man, and you can go play baseball and meet new friends, and you can play baseball. Compete. You can compete and stuff. Exactly. It's a fun way to spend a weekend afternoon, and you still get to showcase athletic ability. Your skills. Your skills and stuff like that. Our pitcher, like I said, through a complete game. 16 strikeouts. He struck out 16 dudes. That's filthy in any way. I don't care who you are. That's ridiculous. Yeah, it is. So, Benny Brough, way to go. We are 1-0. We won 6-4. Your boy had a RBI single. How about that? Knocked in the first run of the year. Woodsy's an athletic guy. Feeling good. Feeling good. I come out here and rough talk him and run him off. Woodsy's team is sponsored by the Tipsy Crows. The Tipsy Crow Bar. And so the team is now called the Tipsy Crows. And there you go. We're a force to be reckoned with, so watch out. Yep. Because we're coming for all of you. I'll let Woodsy do that, talk about his baseball team, because Woodsy is a good dude. Thank you. And why not? I love my guys. That's right. If I can talk about Jesus on my shower wall. Why not? By all means. Let's go for it. We've got to put that picture on the website.

39:58To see if people can see Jesus. Somebody else. You have to be really good at those 3D puzzle things. For some reason, something tells me that some of the creepers out there will be like, yeah, I totally see it. LLB, you're right. I'll even come over and help you photograph. Yeah, you get a professional in there. In the shower with me. That's right. So you were taking a shower and you said, listen, when this shower's over, I'm photographing it. Yeah, I kept my eye on the prize. I was like, I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose that. Should have taken a little bar of soap. Can we tell the soap story, by the way? Yeah, we have to. Oh, boy. Woods called me yesterday. What time? About 15 to 6. Yep. And I go to bed at 6 o'clock. Oh, that is manly. And Woodsy goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm on my way to CVS. I'm going to buy a bar of Irish Spring soap. True story. I said, uh. I don't know what it is. I just got a craving for it. All of a sudden, it occurred to me. You know what I want? Yeah, I want a manly bar of soap. And so Woodsy goes, oh, yeah, give me one. You walked in this morning. It was the first thing he said, hey, did you get my Irish Spring? I was like, what's going on with you two? And I took it out of my pocket. I took the box of Irish Spring out of my pocket. It does smell really good, Irish Spring. We talked about, I asked Mike, have you ever used it before?

41:18Yeah. And you hadn't. You hadn't? You never had used it. That's why I had to have it. Did you see a commercial? No, it's just, I don't know what, you know what it was? I had a bar of soap in the shower and I looked in the shower. I'm like, that thing's almost done. I don't have any soap. Do you usually use bar soap? Yeah, I use both. Okay, okay. I was going to say, your skin's going to be in for a shock. No, I use both. So, for whatever reason, I just thought, I got to have some Irish spraying right now. I'm going to use it for the first time and smell real manly. There's a wee bit of iron in every bar. Exactly. Remember the old commercial? We were talking about the old commercial. The guy sits down on like a log or a stump. He pulls out his pocket knife, slices off a piece of it real good. That's right. How fresh did that look? It looked fresh. So fresh. I was going to eat it. It curled. It curled up. And when you watched it, you thought to yourself, oh, I bet that smells so good. I wish I could scratch it and sniff the TV. Yes. Yeah, and there was something manly about the whole having, carrying around a pocket knife. A wee bit of violence. Just in case you had a piece of soap you needed to cut. Absolutely. Whittle. I always did that. I tried to do that with my dad's Swiss Army knife. I would try to do that. It would just get stuck and lodged in there. Yeah, because you had to be a 49-year-old man. Lumberjack. Lumberjack. You had to be a 49-year-old leprechaun. Yeah. So great. Yeah, so now I have a bar, and it smells delicious. It does. Yeah. Mmm, Irish spring. My skin's too sensitive for that. Axe, you know the company that does the spray? Axe body spray?

42:44They have a new product. It's a newly devised manly soap scrubber. It's black. So you don't have to use a loofah. It's like black loofah on one side, and then the other side is this red mesh material that they say gets the sensitive spots. You put a little bit of axe. You put a little bit of Axe shower gel on the spongy side, and it soaks through to the red scrubby side. Oh. You know? Like the black side? Hello, baby. I take it black. Like my man. Are you going to get it? I already did get it. Of course you did. Of course you did. I tried it out. How do you like it? He doesn't ponder things. No, he doesn't. He just buys. I was like, yeah, it's a new product. I want to try you. How'd you like it? What if you changed my life, you? How'd you like it? Loved it. How's your sensitive areas? They worked good. I thought it, you know, cleaned and freshened. Good. Sparkly? Sparkly, yeah. It looked like mirrors. Hey, your sensitive spots, are they good? I just asked. Oh, sorry. FM 94.9. I should listen. Yeah. How are your sensitive spots? Jay's got best of old Jeff and Jerry takes going on in there. Listening to Pick a Purse. You just can't help but listen. Pick a Purse. Yeah. Sophia just got a beautiful bag, Mike.

44:09Hey, you should try this on your sensitive spots. That makes my mouth water. By the way, my brother said that he saw T.O. when he was Maui at the Four Seasons. Really? No, I'm sorry. This was in Vegas. He said he's got, like, back cleavage. Oh, yeah. He's just like a solid muscle. A specimen. A specimen is exactly what he called them. It's the truth. Oh, yeah. I just thought of that because we played the drop of T.O. Yep. He is, though, man. And yesterday him and Ocho combined for a couple hundred yards. Yep. So that tandem looks like it's working out all right, except they lost. They had the exact same number of balls thrown to him. They did? Yeah, but he's going to have to do that every week. Yeah, you better. Somebody will cry. Wow. Of course. Gosh, what a couple of big heads. I know. We'll run down some scores with you in a bit. Chinese woman in China is suing the movie company, or the movie theater,

45:10And she's suing him because she says they wasted her time. What do I mean? She was apparently going in there to see a movie and what she got was a bunch of advertisements before the movie. And she's mad and she's suing him. What is this, her first movie? Yeah. Of course, that's how it goes. Yeah, how come he didn't sue before? Yeah. But if we can send back meals because we didn't enjoy them, how come we can't go to a bad movie? And get our money back. I bet you can. But who has the sack to ask for it? You have to do it like you would a meal. You can't eat the whole meal and then want your money back. Like 15 minutes and you go, I'm out. I'm walking out and I want my money back. I bet you they'll give you your money back. Or would they say, was there a problem with the quality of the screening? Yes, there was. Was it a malfunctional problem? No, ma'am. What was the problem? Spike Lee directed it. I bet you that was clearly staying on the ticket.

46:09I know, but I thought it was going to be different this time. I believed Spike Lee was going to make a great movie. It's very subjective, sir. Why would you think that, sir? Subjective? Subjective, sir. Have you seen it, ma'am? No. I was busy watching Avatar. You were watching Avatar? For the seventh time. For the seventh time? Today? No. Did you swallow an egg yolk this morning, ma'am? I don't know exactly what's happening. I don't know why you talk like that, ma'am, but... It's just the way I was born. I'm sorry? No, I heard you. I said I was sorry. Second time someone said that to me this morning. Let's see. I'm going to like this. Anybody wondering what all those thousands of people that were hanging out in Mission Bay this weekend, what that was all about? I'll tell you. I'll give you the lowdown. Word of the day is patches. First ever Mexican roulette at 7.30 this morning. We'll explain. I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. That's Lauren O'Brien. Sienna's out on maternity leave, but she's our news girl. And Jay is our producer. I know. Woodsy don't like it. I don't like it. None of us like it. We want Sienna back. Let's get on back to work. Feeling better? I want her back. I do too. We're like a body without a head. Yeah. Or like an arm. It's ridiculous. Definitely missing some sort of appendage. That's right. A couple of boobs. That's right.

48:04Mexican roulette, 7.30, 25 minutes away from some Mexican roulette. TV's showing Taylor Swift's somber performance last night at the... Geez, dramatic much? Was she sitting in a chair? It's a giant chair. Yeah, it's real dramatic. It's like a throne? Lights all low, candle lit. She's got like a spooky guitar. Yeah, spooky guitar sound, and she's singing about Kanye, kind of, you know, what Kanye did last year. Look at Kanye. That's looking good, dude. Wow, that's cool. He's a sharp dude. His suit is like glowing. Bright red suit. It's a Michael Irvin special. Against a white background. It's a Mike Irvin special. He is definitely a sharp cat. He bought it at the Michael Irvin warehouse. Absolutely. Come on down to the Michael Irvin warehouse. This weekend, banana yellow suits at 25% off. Tomorrow, mint chocolate chip cookie suits of 30% off. You know why they're 25% and 30% off? Because I can't sell them, man. Nobody wants them. Yeah. Unless an athlete comes in here, I ain't selling these things, man. Yeah. Dennis Rodman. I saw that dude, Mike, one time. Yeah. He had just caught about 30 balls for about 300 yards against the Redskins in a playoff game. And I was out.

49:20Downtown Dallas, I think I was 19. And he walked into this club and he had a purple suit on. Of course he did. He had a $75,000 Rolex necklace around his neck. Rolex necklace. One bottle of champagne in each hand and about four of the hottest women you've ever seen walking behind him into this club. It makes me wonder who those women are. Where'd they come from? Your boy here tried to do a bit with him. You did? Was not having it. What did you do? I was like, yeah, Playmaker, what's up? And he walked by me like I was a 19-year-old idiot. Were you a 19-year-old idiot? Yes, I was. He didn't even acknowledge it? No, he didn't acknowledge it. He had big shades on. Yeah. Guy was money. Playmaker. Hi, Playmaker. Playmaker. I'm Woods. Yeah, no, that didn't work. Did not work at all. Can I take a picture with you? High five, buddy. Photograph. He's like, get a little mad. Photo op. Word of the day is patches. You're listening for the word patches to be worked into a sentence. Caller 9 gets to go say, meows. Meows. And I want to, oh, this is cool. Okay, so I guess we could start doing this now. We're going to do something called Trade Up for Charity, okay?

50:35and this is the way that it works. We're going to do something nice for Rady Children's Hospital. If anybody knows me, you know that I love Rady Children's Hospital, and specifically I love their ADI, which is the Autism Discovery Institute. My son Jake has autism, and I love to do stuff for them. A lot of people have asked about the 28-hour show, which is something that I did at the old station. And it'll have to be, the name of it will have to be changed because I can't call it the same thing. But yeah, we do want to do that. And, you know, for me, that is a labor of love for my son, Jake. It's a labor of love to raise money for that Autism Discovery Institute. And that's what it's always been about for me since I've been doing it here in San Diego. And I think we started to do the Rady Children's. A couple of years ago. Well, when Jake was diagnosed. And so it means a lot to me. So here's what we're going to do. We're doing a thing called trade up. OK, what we have and we'll start small and hopefully it works itself up to something really, really big. But here's what we're going to start out with. We're going to start out with a pair of tickets to see the gorillas. OK, they're calling it the Escape to Plastic Beach World Tour 2010.

52:04And it's going to be at the Viejas Arena at Aztec Bowl San Diego State University, okay? So that means that it's at San Diego State. It's not out at Viejas, it's at San Diego State. Is that right, Jay? Yes, sir. Okay. And so what you've got to do is call us right now. It's $100 value for these tickets. So you've got to call us right now, and you will bid on that. Now remember, all this money is going to go to a charity. You're going to bid on it right now. And we just keep working our way up. Correct, Jay? Sorry, I was talking with Will about how this works. It's okay. It's okay. We will continue to work our way up. So since $100 value, you call in and you bid on that, correct? Right. Basically what they're doing is they will call in with an item that they want to trade us. And we'll figure out throughout the hour what we want to trade. what we want to trade. So it's not monetary. It's an exchange. Yeah. Basically, they could have, maybe somebody has a mountain bike that's worth $3,000, or maybe somebody has a Taylor guitar that they want to trade. Something they don't use anymore. So then we'll have that for today. We'll pick one item for today. Then tomorrow, we'll take that Taylor guitar that we got today, and we'll put it up on the chopping block. So here's the question. What do you have that is worth

53:30more than these $100 value Gorillaz tickets that you can call us and trade for it. Right, and you know, for some people, like if you're a huge Gorillaz fan, you may be willing to part with something that's more than $100 value. We hope. That's what we want. Yeah, maybe you've got a really cool amplifier, but you never use it anymore. Right, exactly. That's what you do. Or maybe you have a car that you just want to trade us. Absolutely. Because then what we're going to do on Friday, after we get all, you know, finally... We'll work our way up to this big item on Friday, and then we'll post it on eBay, and we'll sell it. And then whatever money we get from the final item, we'll go to the children's hospital. That's so cool. Yeah. So cool. So we're starting it with a pair of Gorillaz tickets. You've got something you want to trade for those Gorillaz tickets. You want to go see them here in San Diego on October 28th. Call us right now, 570-1949. What do you have? To trade for those Gorillaz tickets. Whatever it is, it's got to be worth more than $100. But that's where we're starting. Let's see. So, thousands of people were out at Mission Bay this weekend. And this was a, I believe this was a Christian festival called City Fest. Luis Palau. And just brought together a lot of people.

54:52and I was asked a while back if I could be a part of that, and it didn't make sense at the time. And the reason it didn't make sense is because I'm a Christian and an outspoken Christian on the air, and I can't do too much Christian, Christian, Christian, because if I do, it sort of drowns out the message. But it went really good, and a lot of people were out there. I know we had a couple of... I know we had a couple of M1s out there too. Yeah. They were posting some stuff about it and said it was awesome. 40,000 people at Mission Bay Park. Pretty amazing. And they also did stuff in Escondido and Chula Vista. And it cost $1.1 million to put on. But they've been doing this here for a while. And lots of volunteers. Went really good. And hopefully. He was able to raise a lot of money and a lot of awareness. That's a good thing. But that was a lot of people. Went out there and hung out and were a part of that. I had no idea that Larry King was even thinking of teaming up with Ryan Seacrest for something. But I guess they get along. You know that Ryan Seacrest was one of the guys that was rumored to take over for Larry King. But that's not what went down. It turns out it's going to be Piers Morgan.

56:24But Ryan Seacrest and Larry, I guess, are buddies. They used to date. I think we talked about it a long time ago. The most unlikely pair. Yeah. But anyway, here's Larry King talking about it. We've been talking. There's nothing said yet, but we get along. I have a lot of fun. I go on his show like every three weeks. I have a lot of laughs. He's a great guy. I knew his... Fourth removed grandfather. I met him at the Civil War. On the paternal side. Paternal side. Let's see. Can we tell the... I'm going to turn the microphone. No, I'm just going to throw you under the bus. Lauren went to yoga. I didn't know this was an air story. Yeah. Let's just make it an air story. Let's make it an air story. I mean, I asked for it. I put in my recap. It was a little delirious this morning. If you put it on your recap, it's fair game. It's fair game. I know. Lauren went to, she likes yoga. I do. And she went to yoga in Los Angeles. And you were visiting some friends? Yeah, and I was trying to be fancy.

57:41Try a new yoga studio out. Sure. Try and be like a real renaissance woman while I was up in L.A. Real L.A. girl. Yeah. Just one of the gals. Yeah. Well, one of the things that one of the gals has to deal with is a lot of times when you're a young, attractive woman, you get what we call creepers. And what they do is they stare at you. And you know what it is? It's unnerving. It's unnerving. It's annoying. It's also inappropriate, right? It's inappropriate. Maybe wear some more clothes. No. I'm not dressed like that when I go to yoga. You're dressed like a professional yoga person. Totally normal. In yoga pants and probably like a tank top, though. Of course that dude's going to look. But some people are so rude that they don't care. They'll just stare right at you. This is 95% of the reason why men are in yoga. No. Yes. Really, the women that wear the smallest amount of shorts and the smallest tops, really, and then they lay right in front of you, and you're like, oh, this is awkward. They lay right in front of you. She's saying that's why men even go, you know, I could go to the gym, maybe go shoot hoops, but I think I'm going to go to yoga. Well, you notice there's not a whole lot of all-men yoga classes. No, there's always a few creepers in the class. They'd be empty.

58:57if there was all men yoga classes. Maybe you just think people are looking at you. Maybe. Maybe you're the biggest creep on the show and you love going to yoga. I love yoga because I need to stretch. It's good for the soul, isn't it? I go because it's good for the soul. That's creepy, Uncle Jay. So this particular guy couldn't take his eyes off Lauren. You know, she was doing what I think a lot of women would do. They're doing the internal, like, why don't you give me a break? Yeah. Let's take a picture. It lasts longer. Exactly. It's exactly what I said in my head. Mm-hmm. Then what happened? I'm sure this could happen to anybody. I'm an idiot. So, you know, it goes on the whole time. And I'm, like, I'm looking at other people. My friends didn't go with me because somebody wanted to sleep in. But I'm looking at other people in the class like. Like, are you seeing this, you know? And I'm trying to get these strangers' attention, but everyone in L.A. is in their own world. Right. At the end of the class, turns out this guy, he's blind. Oh, my. Yeah, but he was staring at you. He was blind. At least partially blind. I mean, he was doing what the teacher was doing, so how was I supposed to know? I mean, I guess she was dictating. And somebody came in and helped him, right? Yeah, he had two people help him out. Oh.

1:00:24Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. How'd you feel? Who's the creep now? Yeah. Who is the creep? Poor L.O.B. I feel bad for you. I mean, luckily, nobody, like, I didn't, I never vocalized this to anyone, but my cheeks were, like, bright red. Can you imagine if you had been, like, stop staring at me? Hey, creeper. Creep. Turn around. Hey, you know what? I don't have to put up with this. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have to be here. I'll walk out right now. I didn't come here to be a piece of meat. Yeah. I'm going to get security to get you out of here. Security. Holy cow. Yeah. Wow. He's blind. Blind. At least partially. I mean, he needed assistance. It's not like he had like a little cane or anything like that. I didn't have a seeing eye dog. No. No, we didn't have that. But then it made perfect sense because I was like, oh, he was just kind of like blankly creepily. Only Lauren. Then she's like, maybe I'll date him. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Oh, man. The best thing would be is if somehow she had made a scene with the dude. I wish that she would have. Now, I would have. That would be something I would do. Well, I was like, I'm sure somebody in there knew because I was doing a little bit of the huff and puff. I was just kind of like looking at these people like, really?

1:01:52What were you wearing? I was wearing yoga pants, Jay. You're very familiar with what those look like. Creepy Uncle Jay. And a regular tank top. Just like a little wife beater that said, like, Yogaswami on it or something like that. That makes my mouth water. Anything tight, anything skimpy. Where's the pervert alert? Yeah. Pervert alert. There it is. That's why I was like, okay, it's not like... There's no junk hanging out. Like, I'm not doing any. I kept checking to make sure. I kept, like, wiping the book. Are you staring at my breasts? Yeah, stop looking at me. Don't look at my private parts. You're looking at my private female parts. He's like, ma'am, I haven't looked at anything since 1986. Oh, my gosh. Never stare at the boobies, kid. I mean, there is a possibility that maybe he was just. Blind. Blind. Maybe he was epileptic. That's the word I'm going for. Can we save that clip? I haven't slept. Lauren didn't sleep all night long. She was staring at what she thought was Jesus in her shower. She's lost her mind. She lost her mind. Have we got that picture ready to post, by the way? I posted it on Facebook. You did? You posted it on our Facebook page? I wonder how many people are going to go.

1:03:12Oh, yeah, there he is. I see him, Lauren. Well, you know what? Maybe Jesus is coming to me in my shower because I'm going to go to hell for thinking that this blind guy is creeping on me. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm an idiot. And in addition to that, she thought she saw a portrait of Jesus in her shower wall. In the stone wall. In the stone wall. M1, Eddie, are you there? I'm here. You have something to trade up with us, right? Yes, I do. What do you have to trade up for for the Gorillaz tickets? I have a motorized scooter. Really? Just imagine, like, a Razor scooter, but it's got a motor on it. Oh, yeah. Nice. And it works, and there's nothing wrong with it? Nothing wrong with it. It's solid. Chances I drive that around the building. I love it. My neighbor has what it is. Okay, tell me what it's called again. It's a Go-Ped. Go-Ped. It's called a Go-Ped? A Go-Ped. A Go-Ped. Jay, does that sound like a good trade-in? Yeah, he says it's about a $300 value. Nice. That's what we got it for a while ago. So we'll make that trade and put that up. How long is it a while ago? Eddie? Does it work? Does it work, Eddie? It does work. I just wrote it like maybe a few weeks ago. Now I'm about 230. Is that going to support my weight? Yes, it does actually. It can support 500 pounds. Does it run on gasoline or does it run on electricity or does it run on a little battery? It's going to be a...

1:04:40two-cycle gasoline, so it's a mixture between oil and gasoline. You just have to get the ratios right. Okay. Will you fill her up before you bring her in? Absolutely. Any scratches or dents? Scratches or dents? No. Okay, what color is it? It's going to be like the baseboard is brown with blue handles. Okay, hang on, okay? So that's what we're up to, a $300 value GoPed. We'll call it the Blue Devil. Yeah, we'll call it the Blue Devil. And basically what you're going to do is you're going to, if you have something that you want to trade for that that's worth more than that, call us up, 5701-949. Yep. And we're just going to keep doing this until we work up to something really big, and then we will sell that for charity. Go to Rady Children's Hospital and their ADI, their Autism Discovery Institute. That's killer. So give us a call if you would like to do that. Let's see. When Lauren is not busy.

1:05:41Having blind guys take a look at her. Then she likes to play a little something called Name That Tune. And she's going to right now along with me and Woods. Okay. So, Jay, you want to come in here and run this side of the board? I should do. We've got a pair of tickets to Spoon as the grand prize. All right. A pair of tickets to Spoon. And what you need to do is call and you are going to pick a horse. Me, Woods, or L-O-B. And this is what we're going to do. Take a quick timeout, come back, and we're going to play a little name that tune if you want to win. Spoon tickets, 570-1949. Anybody notice that there are wild parrots right now in an area of San Diego? When we come back, I'll tell you where they are and why they're here. Word of the day is patches. So you're listening for the word patches to be worked into a sentence, and then when you hear that, you've got to be caller number... at 570-1949, and you will win tickets to Mews. So there are a lot of parrots in PB just hanging out. Parrot heads? No, not parrot heads. They're not Jimmy Buffett fans. Oh, parrots. Parrots. Parrots. Yeah, parrots. They're parrots. Actual parrots. They're parrots, L-O-B. That's right.

1:08:35And a bunch of them are in PB right now. They're really pretty, I heard. Really? Gorgeous. Not native to San Diego. Nobody knows how they got there. Nobody knows. From the zoo, maybe? Well, according to the California Parrot Project. Who knew? Which I used to belong to. The CPP? The CPP. It's a non-profit research group. They say that there's 13 different kind of parrots flying around California. Didn't know. I didn't know there was one. Yeah. And they're out there right now all over PB. I wonder if they all can talk and if you can make them all. Is it a specific kind or just a wild parrot? It's a wild parrot, man. We had them in our neighborhood. They were flying around from treetop to treetop. One fell in our pool. Really? Yeah. Did it live? Yeah. I gave it to another neighbor. Somebody had lost it. I think a lot of these parrots have got to be some parrots that just escaped. Were they real pretty? Oh, they were real pretty. Big ones, small ones, all different sizes. And red, all those crazy colors? Yeah. Aw. If I didn't have to do so much work, I think it would be cool to have a parrot. No, you don't. I do, too. No way. Birds are meant to fly. I know, but it goes back to my childhood. When I was a little kid, we had Peggy the Pigeon.

1:10:02She was injured. My dad nursed her back to health. And she would stay there every day. And when my dad drove home, she would land on him. Every day. So it's wild and she came back. Yeah. See, that's cool. Yeah. One day she did not. Caged birds, not cool. Would you really want to hear in the morning? No. Is that a chicken? No, it's a parrot. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. But I would like to go, I would. I would like to teach it to do that. And then you come over. Where's my iPad? Babe, where's my iPad? Yeah, it just repeats what it hears. Babe, where's my iPad? It just repeats what it hears. Babe, close a closet door. Babe, close a closet door. Don't go in there. Don't go in there. That would drive me insane, having a bird with my five dogs. I need to warm some tortillas. I need to warm some tortillas. Let's watch an episode of How It's Made. Told my wife this weekend.

1:11:03Told my wife this weekend that I thought that that girl, Carrie Byron from Mythbusters was cute. Now she hasn't stopped bringing it up. Really? Yeah. Now every chance she gets, she's like, oh, what would Carrie Byron think of? Wow. Rebecca. I'm like, oh. Love it. That's what's going to happen. I guess. I thought she would be, you know. You guys get a limited amount. That you're allowed to comment on and have reserved. I never comment on anything. You keep adding to the list. You're just digging yourself deeper. Listen, I don't comment on anything, you know. I do. See, Woods does. I don't. And so, I know my wife thinks that Brad Pitt is the bee's knees. I know that. Well, that's one. Yeah, what's mine? I don't have one. Allison Hannigan. Some broad nobody's ever heard of. Yeah, Carrie Byron. I don't know what Carrie Byron would think about that. Right over my head. Yeah. It's okay. That's okay. I've got to see her, actually, because I know you have... She's not that cute. K-A-R-I. K-A-R-I. Kari? Kari? Kari! I can't. This isn't... She's kind of obnoxious, I think, in the show. I'm frozen. Never seen it. It's frozen. Kari Byron. That's it. Images. Oh, God. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

1:12:25Oh, God. Really? Really? Really? Oh, Woods. Easy, jack-o'-lantern. Oh. She looks like a pumpkin? Yeah, she looks like a jack-o'-lantern. No, she does not. Oh, gross. Oh, really? Easy, sleepy hollow. Yeah. Hey, Ichabod Crane, right up your alley, huh? No. Really, she's going to be running down the street. Ew. Of course she is. Oh, God. Woods. Come on. Oh, Woods. No. Oh, really? So if she came in and they said that she worked in our sales department. I'm married, so I don't know what we're talking about. He'd be all the way in. No. Yes, he would. It's not up my alley. Woods is very, you know, we go on the radio and one thing, because when we're off the radio, Woods, he says, there has been some times where he wasn't as discriminating. Yeah, I agree.

1:13:25Oh, yeah, dude. Back in my single days? Back in, like, yesterday. Kid wasn't always the most discriminatory person. When you were single? Yeah, you throw 17 cocktails down, you never know what may happen. 570. Might wake up with a dude. Oh, wow. You mean might. It was college, you know, what do you do? 570. One time. One time, twice, three times. Okay. I'm kidding, by the way. It's never happened. She's a seven or eight. As far as you know. Hey, you have beautiful hair. Then how could you quit him? You're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. Oh, I am. Thank you for saying that. You look like he had six fingers on each hand. You're not so bad yourself, handsome. We're seeing me and you. We're going to make it right. Oh, boy. I wish I knew how to quit you. Your place is mine. Your place is mine. I don't care. Wherever. Kid's got no agenda. Got no agenda. I'll drive. You mind if we go for it or not first? All right, so let's do Name That Tune. M1 Wes, who do you want to pick to represent you? Wes, are you there?

1:14:57Oh, yeah. I got Mikey. Okay, hang on. M1 Harold, who would you like? Steve. Yeah. There you go. Really? Okay. And who's this? Who's this? Woods. Hello? Yes. What's your name? M1 Steve. Steve? Yep. Okay, Steve, you got Woods. All right. And it's actually a good choice, bro. He's pretty good at this game, all right? I think so. Team Woods. That's right. Team Woods. Team Steve, apparently. Hey, what's it like there at the Basilica? Are you just looking up? Where are you right now? Where are you physically standing? He's in the bathroom. He's in the bathroom. There you go. There you go. All right, hang on the line, will you? Let's get acoustics in there. I wonder if there's some paper filage going on right now. Oh, let's not talk about it. Maybe. All right. Are you scorekeeping, Woods? Yeah, I'll scorekeeping. Okay. Don't cheat. All right, we know the way... I don't cheat. I know the way that tune works, right? Got to use our name as a buzzer.

1:15:58Yeah, this is Name That Tune. Well, that's what we call it. We call it Name That Tune. We call it Name That Tune even though it's about movies. Right. And if we know what the movie is, we just have to yell out our name. It's easy. Let's do this. Because how else would you get picked? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. Easy peasy. Here we go. Squeezy. Here we go. It's been a while. Clearly, I'm going to have to do that myself because the last two you sent me were completely inadequate. So, center in. Lauren. Devil Wears Prada? Yep. Yay! Wow. L.O.B. got one. I've never seen it. And L.O.B. worries about movies because she doesn't think she'll do well. She got the first one. The first one right. Here we go. How old are you? Seven. Mikey Show. Mikey Show. Mikey Show. Whoa. That is Benjamin Button. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Very good. Nice. Mikey Show. It's the Mikey Show.

1:16:57Good, Mikey. 94.9! 94.9! Go on, Mikey. Here we go. Got us. There was more of you. Almost Famous. Wow. Are you kidding me? Lauren's in the lead. It's my favorite movie. What? What? That was the most obscure, quote, shocking movie. What's it happening? Maybe I have a new strategy. You do. Oh, he's going to wait till the end. He's going to wait till the end. Maybe I don't do that today. At the end of the games, Jay usually makes the last question worth a lot of points. Yeah, Woods always complains, so maybe I don't do that today. Maybe I'm just walking against you. I changed my mind. Mikey's Joe! I knew when the music kicked in, somebody would get it. Nothing like that pan flute. Yeah, what's the score? Doesn't like Zamfir on the deck of the Titanic. Woods, one. Mikey, one. L-O-B, two. All right, here we go. Mikey! Woods, uh, Psycho. Nope.

1:18:09How on earth could you not know that that was ungolden porn? No, Norman, you old coot. Damn it. Wait, what was it? Everything's just waking up. That's right. Norman's from Psycho. I thought Norman Bates. No, Norman. No. Not Norman Bates, you ignorant. It's my husband. Technically, Mikey didn't get called on to give his answer, but, you know. Maybe we can keep your eyes on your own. Catherine, so mean. All right, here we go. Are you going to the prom? Woods! Something about Mary. Oh, wow. That was good. That was really good. We're tied, right? No, he's got one. Woods? It's a two to two. Okay. All right, here we go. It says one. Me and Lauren have two. That's a great clip. Mikey. Chicago. I know it's an Elton John song. That's all I know. Huh?

1:19:34I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind. Stopping it. What is that? Moulin Rouge. Oh my gosh. It's Elton John, your song. Moulin Rouge. Have you ever seen that L.O.B.? I hope you don't mind. No, I never saw it. Woods won, Mikey won, L.O.B. too. Seen it a couple times. Weird. Weird. I know it is. Here we go. Just tell me one thing, Burke. Lauren. Oh. Alien. Wow. Go to one. She's kicking her butt. Man. Three to one to one. See what lack of sleep does? Yeah. Okay, these next two are worth two points. Oh. Here we go. This is six wealthiest women in Texas. Joanne. Woods. Oh, God. It's Tom Hanks. She's Charlie Wilson's War.

1:20:25This is a load of horse dung. This is it. This one's worth two. We could have a three-way tie if we're not careful. We could have a three-way. If we're not careful. Really? Oh, gosh. Here we go. Woods. Mystic River. Oh, yeah! Wow! Wow! Wow! Yes! Yes! My gosh, you're good at this game. Gosh darn it. Holy cow. What a comeback. What a comeback. That's awesome. He wants to take the next playoff, Coach. He's real good when he comes to his movies. He's real good at it. Hello, Mike. I did pretty good myself. You did great today, L.O.B. You did great today. M1 Steve, are you still in the can? Yep. What's he just won spoon tickets for you? All right. All right.

1:21:26You hold on there on the throne. Feast on that, Steve. Good job, Woodsy. Thanks, man. That was a close one. That was close. Okay. Let's see. Do you guys know Matt Damon was going to play? Matt Damon! Matt Damon! Do you guys know Matt Damon is going to play Liberace? That is the weirdest thing. Yep. I'll see it. There was a movie on HBO or... You know, it wasn't made for HBO. It was just one of those real bad HBOs that don't show the big movies, that show the real bad movies. And it comes on at like three in the morning. HBO Love or something. Yeah. Family or something. And there was a movie about Liberace. And it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. It wasn't supposed to be. It was a drama. It was supposed to be a drama. But the guy that played Liberace played him so over the top. And he wasn't a very good actor. that it was like, well, let's retire to the candelabra. Let's go to the candelabra. And I was, are you kidding me with this? Oh, I bet Matt Damon will be good. Yeah. Although I bet Philip Seymour Hoffman would have been a better pick. Oh, yeah. Oh, he would have been great. He would have been dynamite. Wasn't he great when he played Capone? Oh, he was so good. Never saw it. You haven't seen it? It's actually not that good of a movie, but he does a good job. Yeah.

1:22:52He's a great actor. Can I ask you a question? Sure, Philip Seymour, Truman Capote. How similar does this sound to Captain Buzzkill? I was just thinking. It's very similar. Similar, isn't it? Except Captain Buzzkill breathes really heavy. That's right. So Michael Douglas is in the movie, too. And listen to what Matt Damon says, which tells you what you're going to see. I saw him in Toronto, and he goes, get your chapstick ready. Yeah. Oh, they'll be smooching. Get it? Sweetly. That's right, they'll be smooching. Oh, man. Oh, boy. The movie that I saw did not have smooching. That's becoming more and more commonplace. The guy smooch. Oh. I'm out on the guy smooch. I've often thought, could I do that for a role? Yeah. And I don't think that I could. No. Well, you know me. My convictions anyway. No, but... Becoming more... Yeah, but what if it was a role, like for a movie?

1:23:51That wouldn't have anything to do with your convictions, would it? Yeah. It's a movie role. You're acting. Yeah, I know, but I wouldn't do a movie role. I wouldn't do anything that would put me in a light where it would be like, well, how do you say this, but you do that? I did a lesbian role, but I was only spooning. Go on. Wait. Sorry? Wait. What? That makes my mouth water. What? I was a teenage lesbian. Mark that. Save that, I guess. Mark that. In a music video, but nothing. It was just, like, implied. For what music video? It's a local band called War Stories. You haven't seen the video? Man. No, I missed it. I'm going to need that on my laptop in the next half an hour. No, it's not like that, though. But that's the thing. What was the song? I almost didn't do. It's called Lion. I almost didn't do it because of the same thing. I'm like, well, that's not me. But I'm like, well, I won't be playing me. I'll be playing a teenage lesbian. And as long as we're not making out, I'm okay with it. Just holding each other? We just held each other. But we were clothed. They made it look like we weren't, but we were. Wow. War Stories video, and it was what? War Stories Lion. I put it on my blog a while ago. You did? Yeah.

1:25:14I'm going to need to see this. What do you know? Here it is. It's right there on... No, I don't show up for a while. All right, well, then I'll wait. And the idea is, you'll notice that my expression doesn't change until I get to the War Stories concert. You know, L.O.B., there's so much stuff that I find out about you every day. I know. I didn't know that she had been a model for a Jerome's commercial. I didn't on television. I didn't know that she was in a Barack Obama nationally televised commercial. I'm a jack of all trades. You are. And I find out about it. I'm also, I like money. And you got to do what you can do when you're starting out. Did they position it to you or they were like, we want you to be a lesbian team? And I was in Hawaii. The very trip that inspired this. Rooster tattoo on my leg. And I was in Hawaii in the airport. And he called me and was like, I found your resume. I really want you to be in a video. And I was like, I'm not playing lesbian. And he talked me into it. Told me it was going to be really tasteful. Nothing. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, my gosh. There's Lauren. Blondie. Wow. I just got back from Hawaii. So I'm really tan and really blonde. Look, Jay. I'm going to see it. Hit play. My expression won't change. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

1:26:36I like this song. Anything else you want to tell? She's like, yeah, I ran for vice president of the United States. I've done several adult films. I always think it's like anything that I wouldn't be comfortable with my dad or my brother seeing, I won't do. So I had to make sure that if they saw that, they'd be okay. So your dad was like... I don't care if you play a lesbian. I don't think these are the exact words that came out of his mouth. You go ahead and play whatever you want. No, it's not like I get permission. It's just like, you know, with the internet, everything's out there. So anytime I would take a role, I'd always think, like, okay, what would I think if, like, my dad, my brothers, potential kids saw that? You're going to have hair like Elvis? What do you mean? Like, what do we... Kind of a lesbian.

1:27:45Like you're a Marine Corps drill captain? What are you talking here, sweetheart? Point was, I'm not a lesbian just because I played one. Aren't you? I'm not. I'm not. What does that mean? We were talking about Liberace and you and your convictions. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be in a movie woods where I would kiss a guy. What about hold hands? What if it made it look like you were kissing him but you didn't actually kiss him? Yeah, like I reached around and put my hand over your mouth. Right, right. I got offered a role. in a movie last year. Really? Yeah. To kiss a guy? No. But I had, and it was too bad because it was a really funny role where I was going to be a guy. I was going to be this chubby dude that still lived at home. That's genius. Walking around in a robe and I was like smarter than the room. I was smarter than everybody but I still lived at home. Why didn't you do it? Because the guy was a, And his whole bit was that he kind of expounded on that and went on and on and on about it. Well, that makes sense. And I was like, wow, that's really a cool opportunity. And I said, what if the guy wasn't atheist? And he said, that's kind of his whole bit. The movie was about a guy and a girl that are starting to date and they go home to visit.

1:29:18Her mom and you live and I still live there. That's genius. Yeah, and she warns the guy before they get there like hey my brother's kind of a smart aleck. You would have been great. Oh, you would have killed it. And the brother sees the new guy and is like, oh, really? You've been like kind of like Jack Black-esque in Orange County. Yeah, exactly a Jack Black-esque type guy. That's huge. Yeah, I know, but but you know It just didn't fall. You know me. With everything, I go, is that cool, God? Is that cool? Yeah. Is that cool? Can I do this? Can I do that? Okay. All right. All right. No problem. I won't. Yeah. How about this one? I have stuff that guys wouldn't do if women didn't exist. Oh, no. Do I? No. I babbled on about my teenage business. No. I liked. I'm telling you. I find stuff out about LOB all the time. I'm like, I had no idea she did this. No clue. We didn't play Mexican roulette. We didn't. We will. We will. We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll come back. We'll do Mexican roulette. We'll also do stuff guys wouldn't do if women didn't exist. And inevitably, I'll ask you for your input on that. So call and tell us. It's going to be a fun show today. We've got so much cool stuff. Don't go on. Mikey's show has five people on it. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. Woodsy is our sports guy. Lauren is our assistant producer. Sienna's our news girl, but she's out on maternity leave.

1:31:22And Jay is our producer. And today, Will is screening phone calls. That's Will. Today, we are playing a new game. Supposed to do this at 7.30, but got a little behind. But we'll play it right now, okay? The game is Mexican Roulette. Do I have a roulette sound effect? What are we playing for? What are we playing for, Jay? We are playing for a... Pair of tickets to see the gorillas. Do you remember when you said that you didn't eat it? Yeah. I don't need one. Like five times. I don't need one. What do I eat one for? I'm not about it. We don't need one. I don't need a roulette. Do you want me to get a roulette sound effect? No, because now that you remind me what I said five times. Five times. At least. I don't need a roulette sound effect. Yeah, we don't need one, remember? It doesn't make sense. You're crazy. You're crazy. You're crazy. You know what I'm saying?

1:32:26Crazy. Okay, I forgot. I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. Okay, the way that Mexican roulette works is I am going to mention, I'm going to say a Mexican's name. And you've got to tell me whether or not that's Mikey's family or a professional boxer. You have to do the accent and everything. Yeah, I will. Oh, trust me. I know how to do that real good. Real good. Of course you do. All right, so now here's the other thing that you're going to do. You're either going to pick me or Woods to take the punishment if you get it wrong. So either way you win. If you get it right, you're going to win tickets to see Spoon? Spoon is dancing away out of trouble. Gorillas. Gorillas. You forgot to mention somebody that's on our show. Hey, what about Jay? Jay's working. Jay's working. I'm working. I'll shoot him. I'm going to be the trigger man. Lauren won't take a BB because she says it bruises her butt. It does. It does. I told you shock me, but somebody can't find the shocker. We used to have a little shocker device and we can't find it. I'll take BB to the eye before I'll do that shock machine. I hate it. I'll put every finger I have in that shocker. Oh, boy. So, yeah, Lauren won't be shot with a BB. Woodsy won't be.

1:33:55Shocked. I'll do them both. Easy, big time. I will lead cheers over here. Great. All right. M1 Scuff. Yeah. Who do you want to take the punishment if you get it wrong? What? Of course. I can't believe they get to choose. That's so great. M1 Kaleidoscope. You're going to get me, okay? All right. All right. Hang on the line. All right. Let's play. Let's play. 570-1949. We're playing Mexican roulette. Oh, boy. Sound of the BBs and the gun. Wow. 570-1949. Again, I'm going to give you a Mexican's name, and you have to tell me whether or not that is my family member or a professional boxer. It's not that hard. All right, let's play. M1 Omar. How are you? How are you? I'm good. I'm going to give you a person's name, and you have to tell me whether or not that person is my family or a professional boxer. Are you ready? Okay. And, by the way, Omar has picked me, and so if he gets this wrong, I have to take a BB. The person is Ruben Trujillo. Ruben Trujillo. Is that my family or a professional boxer? Professional boxer. Ah, nice.

1:35:44That means I have to take a BB. Sorry. You didn't win, Omar. Sorry about that. Ruben is my cousin. Weird. Your primo. Oh, no. My primo? Yeah, Ruben is my primo. Ruben is my primo. Mikey, grab the white chair. Just butts up. White chair over here, pal. Try to get him in the back of the knee. Stop that. Don't. Jay. How many times you pump that? You can only pump it once. That's... No! Here we go. Watch the ricochet. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Owie. Owie. Owie. Owie. Back on the leg. Back on the leg. I saw that. I love this game. Right on the bottom of the cheek. Right on the bottom of the cheek. Right on the bottom of the cheek. Oh, wow. That's going to leave a mark. Oh, wow. Ow. That was a good one. Okay. I hate this game. M1, Scuff, are you there? Yeah. All right, Scuff, you got Woods, okay? All right. All right. Michael.

1:36:46Michael Garbajal. Michael Garbajal. Is that my family or a professional boxer? Come on. That should mean you take a bullet. You won Gorillaz tickets. Hang on the line. Oh, man. M1 Kaleidoscope. Yeah. You've got me. All right. This is for spoon tickets. This is for spoon tickets. Wait, I thought it was. All right. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We gave those away. We gave those away. So this is for spoon. We're mixing it up. Mixing it up. Are you ready? I'm ready. Arriba. Jose Castillo. Jose Castillo. Is that my family or a professional boxer? You know, Castillo, Trujillo, I don't know, man. I'm going to have to say he's a boxer. That is correct, and I escape a BB, and you get to go see Spoon. Hang on the line.

1:37:57That made me so nervous, dude. I feel like I knew that one. Did you? I don't know. M1 Sadie, are you there? Yes. Okay, Sadie, you have selected who if you lose? Woods. Woods. All right. M1 Sadist. Yeah. This person's name is Robbie Munoz. Oh, God. Robbie. Munoz. Robbie Munoz. Robbie Munoz. And you got to tell me, is that my family or a professional boxer? What is it? Your family. That's correct. Yes. That is correct. Kids skating by real good. Which means that Woods does not have to take a bullet and you just won spoon tickets. Hang on. So far only one. Phoebe has been shocked. That's right. I'm the executor and I can't get any. Come on, people. I need some work here. M1 Bob, are you there? Yes. Bob, who do you want to take a bullet if you get this wrong? Mikey. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. All right. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. Ronnie Ozuna. Ronnie Ozuna. Is that my family or a professional boxer? I think he is a relative. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. You're doing pretty good.

1:39:25You just won spoon tickets. Hang on a line. Oh, I love it when they win. I love it when they win. We got one more. M1 Sherry Lynn, are you there? Yeah. Who do you want to select, me or Woods, if you get it wrong? All right. Oh, boy. Are you ready? It is Eric Morales. Eric Morales. Eric Morales. Is that my family or a professional boxer? I'm going to go with a professional boxer. That is correct. He skates by without one BB this morning. Unbelievable. Maybe unless we shoot him anyway because the gun's loaded. Oh, wow, Jay. You just won tickets to see Spoon, Sherry Lynn. Awesome. Thank you. Congrats. It's our first ever playing of Mexican roulette. I like it. Hate this game. I love it. I didn't get to shoot anybody. He's trigger happy in there.

1:40:23I'm a little sore on the side because... Oh, just had surgery. Just had surgery, and when that bullet hit my butt, I started to hop. I tensed up, hopped around. Be careful. That was fun. What would your doctor say? She would say, what did I tell you? I told you the last time you were in here, I said to you, don't do any physical activity. Try to keep it to a minimum. That does not include you getting shot with a baby. What would Tattoo say, you think? What would Tattoo say? What would Tattoo say? He would say, you shouldn't ever play around with guns. Take it from him. What would Nacho say? I'll tell you, dude. I would say Uncle Mikey's lame, bro. He listens. He doesn't take doctor's advice, dude. Oh, look at me with my big fat earlobes, dude. Trying to listen to the doctor, but I can't because my earlobes are so big. What would obese Mikey have to say about that? Fair enough. That's what I would say. All right. I have stuff that guys wouldn't do.

1:41:49if women didn't exist. Yep. And then we have our own, and LOB, you can join in and tell us what you think dudes wouldn't do if chicks didn't exist. And you can call 570-1949 if you have one. We would never purchase or own a rug. Yeah. Fair enough. And I agree with that. Yep, I do too. Yeah, I have no use. Wait a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you really genuinely have to ask yourself, it's a world where only men are on the planet. Be no rugs. I don't need a rug. The only reason I need a rug is because I want my place to look nice. For a chick. For a girl. Maybe for your feng shui. For my feng shui? Yeah. I'm not concerned with my feng shui. No. Not if there's no girls. What about your office, the mint green office that you have? I didn't want it to be mint green. I wanted it to be hunter green. And it came out, man. And I can't, you know, what am I going to do? And I would, if there was no girls, I would have done that. If there were no girls, you wouldn't have even painted your office. Yeah, I would have. No. I would, Woods, because it's selfish. It's a selfish move. It makes me feel good. The different colors. So a rug might be in your repertoire. Wouldn't make me feel good. Me neither. I'm out on it. If there were no women in the world, there would be no reason for guys to see a Hugh Grant movie. Woods.

1:43:13Woods loves, what's that movie? Notting Hill. I love that movie too. I love Notting Hill. Love Actually? No. Love Actually is so good. Notting Hill. I've never seen Notting Hill. It's good. My wife watches it 900 times a year because it's on TBS. I've never even seen it. 900 times a year. I've never seen it. What? Uh-uh. Oh my God. Because Hugh Grant's always like... I disagree with the next one. Okay. If women didn't exist, men would never talk on the phone. BS, I like to. I do too. I like to chat. I mean, I need, there's a necessity for it. Yeah. There's a reason to have to talk. Mikey and I call each other, we call each other like five times a day. Yeah. Yeah. If there were no women in the world, men would not go to brunch on a Sunday. Ever. During football season. That would, no. No. There would be no brunch. There wouldn't be brunch. Yes, there would be. Because there's one down in PB where it's like an all-you-can-eat brunch with mimosas and Bloody Marys. So you're saying guys would be like, I'm in on all the food. Yeah. But you know what? Caveat. Brunch is pretty cute, and guys, for the most part, aren't really in on that. Yeah, men eat breakfast. I'm not in on the term brunch altogether, to be honest with you. Yeah, that's the next one. Go to brunch, period. Yeah.

1:44:28Go to brunch, period. I would never go. Let's just pick. Let's just call it breakfast or lunch, really. Maybe we just eat breakfast and go get back on the couch. You know what else men would not do? Men would not watch one episode of How I Met Your Mother. Fair enough. That show is actually pretty good. I've never seen one. But you have reproductive organs for a female. Right. But you love Allison Hannigan, but she wouldn't be in it. She wouldn't be in it. Women wouldn't exist. Yeah. There wouldn't even be a mother. Think about that. It would blow your mind. True story. How I met your other dad. How I met your dad. And the last one, things guys would never do if women didn't exist is leave a bar before midnight. Whatever. Really? I don't go to bars, so I don't get it. I would never shave. You wouldn't? Anything. Definitely not. You'd just have a big Amish beard? Yeah. All over. Everything. All over. You'd be a hairball. You'd never shave, period. Never shave, period. You know what? If women didn't exist, I would not have more than two pair of jeans. You also wouldn't have 64 colognes. Oh, no. I wouldn't. And that's not an exaggeration, actually. I think it's an understatement. Cologne? Yeah. Yeah. What about jeans? We have one, two pair. You two? Yeah, one or two. Yeah. And I don't need a pair of jeans that, you know, well. $300? Yeah. Well, I was going to say, I wouldn't have a pair of jeans that made me...

1:45:55look really, but that doesn't really exist. I'd wear sweatpants. Why wear clothes at all? Just walk around naked. Oh, no way. I would not compare myself to other men. No. I would not want to be subjected. I wouldn't compare myself to other men either, but who cares? Yes, you would. Hey, look at that. Oh, really? You wouldn't? Clothes are comfortable. That's how I like clothes. You wouldn't? If you guys walked into Target and it's an all-men world and everyone's naked, you wouldn't be like, Wow, I feel pretty inadequate. Yes, you would. Yes, you would. Of course you would. I wouldn't feel that way. It's not a gay thing. You would just see people. Me either. I would. I'm telling you right now, I would be mortified. Yeah. Would you shower every day? No way you would. Would you even wear deodorant? Yeah, because you would stink yourself. Would you brush your teeth every day? No. I probably wouldn't either. No. You wouldn't wear a single piece of jewelry, probably. Yeah, I would. He'd be wearing watches. Yeah, I want to know what time it is. And I wear a ring on my right hand that Danny gave me that's very meaningful to me. So I would wear it. Obviously wouldn't have a wedding ring if there's no women in the world. Right. I'd play ball like seven days a week. You would? Oh, yeah. I'd be on every frigging team I could get my hands on. I'm already trying to weasel in other days. It's not really happening. I would become obese Mikey probably. Yeah. No time. I'd eat a lot.

1:47:21Yeah. I probably would, too. Play a lot of ball. Not sure what this is, but it looks interesting. M1 Ventura from Mission Valley. You there? Yeah, I'm here. What were you calling to tell me? Oh, it's pretty humiliating. I let this girl talk me in. I'm dating a girl, and she talked me into waxing. Waxing your chest, waxing the nethers. Everything. Oh. You waxed all hair from all of your body. Oh, my God. It was the most humiliating. I'm sitting there with my butt. straight in the air. Oh, man. What about your arms? No, not my arms. No. Your chest. But she didn't tell me about a loofah. I guess you're supposed to loofah because now I have ingrown hairs on my chest. Oh, man. Oh, humiliating. Yeah, you need the exfoliating glove. Yeah, yeah. If I waxed in the way that you did,

1:48:18I would look like a silverback gorilla with no hair. I'm not a hairy dude. Thank God. You're lucky. Yeah. No, I'm saying that if I did wax, it's not saying anything about me having a lot of hair. I'm just saying I would look like a silverback gorilla with no hair. I feel bad for the girl. Of Chi-Chi's. Chi-Chi's? Chi-Chi's? Chi-Chi's? When it's a guy with man boobs. Boobs. I've got them. I've got them too. Chi-Chi's. They look good, Woods. With tiny nipples. I've got them, too. I've got them with tiny nipples attached. I thought, I'd love to put a lipo wand into those. No. No. Be all lumpy and weird. No. Yeah. Be all taut. No. Never worked out that way. Just rock hard. What's it like to have a good body?

1:49:16I'll tell you, it's hard. It's awfully hard to have a good body, dude. I don't know why they can't. I would love to have that V that goes. Oh, the V? The V is nice. Never had it. I never had it. I'll never have it. Why can't they take fat from other parts and put it in other areas? Why can't we walk into a machine, tell them what we want, and walk out the way looking that we want to walk? Nah. Nah. What would you lipo? Then we'd all be jerks. What would I lipo? My gut. Your gut? Yes. What about... Oh, boy. Woods is showing me his gut. Yeah. What would you lipo, L-O-B? Probably my fat butt. What? Or my thighs. What do you think of that, Woods? I mean, I've never seen her naked skin. Oh, wow. Do you feel like you have a big butt? I don't think she has. I mean, I know she doesn't have a big butt. Doesn't every girl feel that way? Every girl feels like their butt jiggles. What about you, Jay? If I was going to do it, it would probably be my gut. And my gullet. I forgot my gullet. Is that the thing under your... The gobbler? Yeah, the gobbler. The seven chins. More chins than a Chinese phone book. Me? My inner thigh. Yeah, my inner thigh. Inner thighs. I knew that was coming. Aren't they really ticklish? Shut up. Your inner thighs? Yes. Are they ticklish if you squeeze them? No. Yeah, that. I got okay legs. Okay, great. I don't. I got chicken legs. Sue me. Hi, can you get my inner thigh? That's creepy.

1:50:45Dude, if you saw it, you would go, oh, bro, you got a lipo. Oh, stop it. Listen, I used to be obese Mikey, so I had tree trunks for legs. I know. We need to start working out or something. Maybe do, like, the Thighmaster, like Suzanne Summers. Would do anything to see Mikey doing a Thighmaster. No. Not only would they have to lipo my inner thighs, then they would have to, like, make the skin smaller because there's so much. Cut it off, maybe? Yeah, they'd have to remove it. You have to do skin removal. Oh, my God. I am such a treat. No, just love the body. Yeah, I do. I love me. I love myself. I'm sure Rebecca's fond of that as well. You know what, though? I think I look good in boxer briefs. There you go. Okay. That makes my mouth water. I do. Okay. Don't say okay like, that's fine that you believe that, Mike. Well, if he agrees, then that makes him gay. No, he could have said this to me to not have me feel so terrible about my ugly body. He could have gone, there you go, pal. See? There you go, pal. Whatever. Enjoy yourself. Feast. I want to hear what else we wouldn't do if chicks weren't around. What would we not do? 5701949. He may never leave the house. You wouldn't buy any flowers. Nope. Never. No, in fact, flowers would wilt.

1:52:18Never would you grow back. Never buy fruit or vegetables, probably. Heard about fried margaritas sweeping the nation. I'll tell you what it is. There's a kid suspended from school because he had bloodshot eyes. Obviously, they thought he was up to no good. It wasn't that he was up to no good. And when I tell you why his eyes are bloodshot, you're going to think that this school should be brought up on criminal charges. I didn't think much of his girlfriend if you listen to the lyrics to this. He just doesn't. Chances that guy really has a girlfriend? Take a look at my invisible girlfriend. Take a look at my imaginary girlfriend. Welcome back. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, Dead Confederate, and the album is Sugar. It's tonight, 8 o'clock.

1:53:46They were at the Belly Up last night, sponsored by FM 94.9. And very cool. So they'll be on tonight. What, Woodsy? Her. Why? Can you hear that? She's feasting on potato skins. Her blood sugar's getting a lot. Yeah, out of all the things in that machine to pick from, she picks the TGI Fridays. I was like, eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Potato skins. Potato skins. I bet you we could get her to eat Wendy's today. Oh, yeah. For lunch. And I would feast on Wendy's today. Burger King is close. How come some days you have a hankering for? When I'm loopy, I'm like, anything goes. She's been up for 48 hours. She didn't sleep last night. Not even a minute. That's insane. By the way, we have a new sponsor today, Marvin K. Brown Auto Center. Thanks for the love. It was really cool because they are M1s.

1:54:48Jennifer Brown is an M1, got a hold of us, and just really, really cool. And one of the things that I really liked about them as a company is that, first of all, I've said this before, if you're able to survive through a bad economy, it means that you are doing something right. It doesn't mean that if you don't, you're not. It just means that you've got something. You've got some kind of cachet. if you're able to survive through the bad times, and they did. And part of it is because of the way that they give back. They're doing a thing where they're donating money for every car sold to the Make-A-Wish Foundation for every car that they sell in the month of September, which is, they don't have to. No. That's awesome. And so I love to support businesses like that, and I love to support businesses that are on board with the Mikey Show. So Marvin K. Brown Auto Center, check them out, new sponsor. Here on the Mikey Show and we love them. Good time of year to buy a car. Yeah. Take it from me. For sure. Yep. Lucky. Woodsy's car was on its last leg. Oh, yes. He basically had patches covering the entire car. Gum holding things together. Sure. Duct tape. That's basically where my car is at right now. Mm-hmm. Terrible. Piece of junk. There was a kid suspended from school because he had bloodshot eyes. Bloods?

1:56:12School thought that it was because he was either doing drugs or been out partying or whatever. Something mischievous. Right. Something not good. And so he gets suspended. Thought he was smoking pot. Turns out that's not necessarily the deal. He was grieving the loss of his murdered father. Wow, dude. His dad was killed the night before. and his mom honored his wishes to let him go to school to be with his friends. And one of the school employees accused him of being high because he had red, watery eyes. And that's not what it was. What do you do if you're the parent? Well, you freak out, I think, is the first thing. Number one, immediate freak out. Picture me in that situation. Oh, my gosh.

1:57:14They should have been given the memo that that happened. It probably was like a teacher in the hallway that was like, hey, you. Hey, come here. Yeah. Pothead. For sure. By the way, call us with stuff that us guys would not do if women didn't exist. What stuff would we stop doing? That kind of thing. Holding your book. Yeah. For sure. Still would. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In front of other dudes, I don't do that. You don't? Uh-uh. You do. He cropped us like the Red Baron. Crop dust? It's where you pass gas and you walk. I don't crop dust in here. Not in here. You'd know it. It's very sweet. When we walk places. He does on the elevator. He's just crop dusting real good. I do it on the elevator just to mess with Mikey. To make him very uncomfortable. He'll do it though. I'll sea dust you. Here is what a fried margarita is.

1:58:15It's a deep fried margarita. It's disgusting. Yeah, it is. What they do is they take funnel cake batter, margarita mix, and whipped cream in a salt rim plastic glass. And they deep fry it. Wow. And people eat it and it's got real tequila in it. Now, I wonder if the tequila gets cooked out. I don't know. Probably not. Where do they serve this? Dallas. Texas State Fair. They'll fry anything there. Yeah, they will. Had fried Coca-Cola there. How'd they do that? Wow. It tastes like donuts. Same thing, like the batter. So they just made batter and they poured Coca-Cola into it. I would try the fried margarita. No problem. Is this just batter that they pour tequila in? Yeah. Gross. Yeah, filthy. Sounds gross. Gross. Yeah, maybe heat up tequila. It sounds like it would be gross. I ate fried butter and it was delicious. That was great.

1:59:16Chocolate-covered bacon. That's right. Repugnant. M1 Art, are you there? Yes, I am. What was the word of the day? Patches. That's right. I missed it. You said your car had patches all over it. Oh, okay. I don't pay attention. You know that. You just won tickets to see who, Jay? Muse. Who? Muse, bro. It's Muse, Mike. Muse! Muse! Very nice. Hang on the line. Hang on the line. Very nice. Well done. This is going to cause a bit of controversy. It's controversial? This is a bit controversial. Mikey, I have a situation with my mom that I need help with. She gets irritated at me because she vents to me about stuff with my dad and my sisters and then gets mad at me because my wife knows too. Oh. Because he tells his wife. Of course he does. Since I share everything with my wife and my mom thinks that those are, quote, private family matters, unquote. She doesn't realize that my wife is my family and her family, too. Have you ever dealt with this, M1 The Reader? Oh, boy. I have not. I haven't dealt with that. But I have an opinion about it. My opinion is, is that you know who doesn't have stuff talked about? People that don't.

2:00:47Share it. Yeah. So maybe you don't talk about it. You don't have to. It's not necessary. You're saying that the mother doesn't need to be venting to the son. No. Right. Now, what about her view alone that the daughter-in-law is not in the family, quote unquote? I don't agree with that either. Yes. Daughter-in-law is in the family. Absolutely. She married your son. She's family. Mm-hmm. When I was much younger, when I was in my early 20s, I had the opposite view. And I got older, and I actually thought to myself, that was kind of an immature... attitude. And it was. You know? It was an immature attitude. Like you thought anyone that you married would be separate of what happens with your immediate family. Really? Yeah, my brother got married and I wanted to have this real serious family discussion and I didn't want her there. Really? Yeah, it was immature. It was wrong. You know? If you get married, I mean, I think that's your... She's now family. I agree. I mean, I guess it depends. Like if you were talking about maybe the estate or like maybe a failing health of a parent, maybe you would think it's just up to the kids. I don't know. That's a tough one too. Would there be times where it's just up to the kids? Because sometimes too many cooks in the kitchen. Well, check this out to L.O.B.'s point. Imagine this one. You've got three brothers and you're, you know,

2:02:16last remaining parent dies. Now you've inherited all their stuff. And you're sitting there having a conversation with your three brothers about what should be done. And you go, well, you know, Tanya said, oh boy, you're right. I just changed. I just changed. I know when there's certain matters because I look at like, I have five kids in my family. My mom comes from nine kids. My dad from 11. It's like, if you consider all these, significant others all of a sudden. Yeah. You got 600 people in your family. Yeah, exactly. But I mean, just imagine, you know, you're turning around, you're a girl, you got three sisters, and well, you know what? Larry said last night, and I think he's right. I think Larry's right, but Larry said last night that you shouldn't be able to get anything because you haven't even been around. Yeah, Larry said we are getting the lake house. Yeah, Larry said we should get the lake house because we always went to the lake house with mom and dad. You never did. And you never did. And I think Larry, my husband, is right. Or what about Mary doesn't think that dad can be on his own anymore. Mary thinks that we need to put dad in a home because it'd just be better for all of us. And by the way, Mary said, Todd, that you should be the one that finds it because you're the one that has had the least interaction.

2:03:38And you don't have a job right now, Mary said. Yeah, Mary was, Mary brings up a great, my wife Mary brings up a great point about how you don't work. Oh, and you know what else Mary reminded me of that I had forgotten about? Is that you were the freeloader with dad for most years. You freeloaded off dad. Remember when you didn't have a job for two and a half years? You lived at home. You lived at home for two and a half years. If Mary hadn't brought that up to me, I would have forgot it. But Mary was very quick to remind me what an oaf you are. Wow. There's got to be some times when it is just the kids, right? Is it? I think there is, actually. I don't think it should preclude them from being in the know. Right. But not having a vote, per se. Maybe not a vote. I think wisdom says that if you're married, just keep your mouth shut. Yeah. And, you know, I went through a similar situation where when Jamie's mom was really, really sick, you know, believe me, I gave my two cents. Gave them to Jamie, though. Right, right, right. Not to Jamie's sister, not to Jamie's brother-in-law. I said, hon, this is what, in my opinion, I feel we need to do or you need to do for your sanity. Yeah, and I think that your wife would be wise to not go to other family members and be like, Stephen said. Stephen said. Yeah. And I wasn't saying anything bad, but it was like, hey, babe, you live at that hospital now. And it depends on the dynamics. Yeah, absolutely. Say it's three grown women.

2:05:01and they all have husbands, and two of the three husbands are like wet blankets, and the other one's kind of like the leader of the bunch, then they might actually want the outsider's opinion. I think my dad has always been kind of that in his family, and I think he's never really wanted, I don't think he's ever really wanted that responsibility, but it has kind of been thrown onto him, and he's like, oh, so I'm the executor. But that can even happen as an in-law. You can all of a sudden become the... Yeah, absolutely. What do you do? What do you do? My brother is already, you know, I have three older brothers. I'm the youngest. And my dad sort of appointed me to be the decision maker. And not just the decision maker, but the guy that really does the taking care of business when they pass. Really? Yeah. And let me tell you, I was in my hotel room. in New Orleans a week before Hurricane Katrina hit. And I got a phone call from my dad, and he was, and I knew already that they had been doing their living trust and their wills and all that stuff. My dad asked me this question. How do you think I should divide my belongings, our belongings, amongst you kids? He asked me that. He says, who do you think should get? You don't even want to think about it, period.

2:06:36But you don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm not that guy, though, L.O.B. I don't want to think about it. You'd rather be in control of it. I need to think about it. We need to think about it. Really? Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. That's me. I don't want to be dealing with more than I have to on that ugly day. But I told my dad, split it all equal. Yeah. How? You have to. How? What do you mean how? Well, he asked that, too, because he said, well, what about with things that aren't, you know, what about. That isn't cold, hard cash, you know. I said, you know what? I said, there really is no, there's no simple answer to that. So we got to work it out like gentlemen. You know, we've. There actually is a simple answer. What is it? My mom had us a long, like. five years ago, go through the house and write our names on the back of the item. And we all talked about it. We were all over there for Christmas and, you know, throwing some drinks down. Oh, my gosh. And we all put our names on the back of what we wanted. We've kind of done it, too, because so much tragedy in my family. My sister-in-law lost her dad. Jamie lost both her parents. And my parents are their parents now, I mean, for the most part. And Tessa, my sister-in-law, still has a mother, but her father passed, Jamie's mom and dad. And so my parents, we were in the car, and my mom goes, all right, what do you want, girls?

2:07:49Tessa, you're getting this. Jamie, you're getting this. My dad has a gold cross that I've loved since I was a little kid. I get that. My brother gets his Notre Dame ring. We know that that's how it's going to be. You've got to work it out beforehand because there's always a little bit of room for debate back and forth on who's going to get what. But there's still so much stuff that I'm sure my brother's like, I've got my eye on that. You feel bad and guilty talking about it, but at some point it's going to come down to that. There's a few things my mom was trying to get away that nobody wanted. We're like, nope. Nope, can't have it, Mom. She's like, no, please, take it. I want you to have the giant stand-up organ that's in there. Nope, nope, can't make me take that. I found out my brother Steve has dibs on something I really wanted. What? My dad's shoebox that he made. It's about 40 years old. That's awesome. A wooden shoebox? It's a wooden shoebox, and my dad made it. And it's awesome. I mean, I've seen it since I was a kid. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Because I said, we were talking about it one time. And I said, it was my dad was sitting there, and I said, Dad, I go, you know one thing I want from you when you're gone is your shoebox. And Steve goes, I already put dibs on it. Sorry, pal. And my dad said, my dad goes, he did. Oh, no. And I looked at him. Did you want to punch him in the face? And I realized, well, I was just doing the same move he did. I was trying to put dibs on it before he could. Sorry, pal, I already did. There's nothing worse than that than calling dibs. I already got dibs. I got it. Oh, nothing worse.

2:09:14Like, how about I make a fake one and I try to give it to you and say it's Dad's? Did you try to, knowing you, did you try to negotiate something else? You're like, no, no, no, you take this, let me have this. I said, okay. What are you going to do with the shoebox? Then I just wanted to start naming off great things that I'll put dibs on so I could trade for the shoebox. By the way, Dad, if you're listening, sorry about all this. He's like, oh, great. Nice to hear you. rummaging through my things while I'm alive. Yeah, he's eating a grapefruit with a little sweet and low sprinkled on the top of it with his coffee. He's like, nice conversation, son. Maybe you shut up. Mine too. Mine too, guaranteed. I know, it's tough. M1 Edible John Pan, are you there? Yeah, I am. Go ahead. This is Edible John Pan. Mike, you look so edible today. Thank you. I appreciate you. Oh. This is the guy that whispers in the ear. Are you edible? He's that guy. That's why he's saying edible. He's the guy that his move to pick up women is to come up to them and... No. Old move. Old move. Old move. Used to be your move. He's got a new bit. And what did you say you used to do? You give them butterfly kisses on their neck. Yeah. What did he do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And parlay that. Got it.

2:10:39It's very bold, isn't it? To walk up to a strange woman and kiss her on the lips. Some countries call that assault. Or rape. But, you know, to each their own. from Alzheimer's. He's like, I know you, my grandpa couldn't for some reason have two properties and I'll put, I'll put the property, the beach house in my name and when you get remarried or, you know, it's still yours, but I'll just put it in my name. Well, my grandpa died a year after that and he just kept the beach house and didn't let any of the family visit. Wow. The married in uncle? The married in uncle, not even the blood uncle. Holy cow.

2:11:40I don't know how he convinced them I was 10 at the time, but I guess my aunt was sitting there like praying on her rosary. I'm like, and I guess it was like really awkward and just somber and strange how that all went down. Yeah. I mean, if he was the married-in uncle, what about the real life, you know, real related sister? What did they say to her? Were they like, what kind of a scumbag of a husband do you have? One of eight, and now they don't even think of her as a sister. See, that kind of stuff can happen. She stole the beach house. She traded the beach house for the relationships with her brothers. That's where those riffs. Yeah, no one's seen her in a long time. Wow. I bet. That's too bad. Thanks for the call. So that guy's just kicking it at his stolen beach house. Yeah. Stolen beach house. Man, that's sad. Took advantage of the elderly. Do some Woods of Wisdom next real good. Sure. Oh, and by the way, ladies. I have five reasons he didn't call you. And if you're a dude, if you're a dude, I want you to sit and listen to him and be like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Probably the era that I fit in the least. No. Really? You know, Woods, do you think that Def Leppard, do you think that they were going for the morbidly obese cosmetic glasses wearing?

2:13:46Suspenders because they look business. Don't forget about your beret. I didn't wear a beret. Did you like Def Leppard? I loved Def Leppard. Oh, yeah, you did. This song? Just imagine a chubby guy just driving, listening, being cool with a mullet. Chubby mullet. So good. You're just singing this to your burrito real good. Yeah, just me. Isn't that, isn't that Burrito Supreme as a microphone? Oh boy. Mike, turn it down. Shut up, mom. Shut up, mom. Hit me a lot. It's fine that you listen, but turn it down already. Father's trying to sleep.

2:14:56Still got girls in high school. Hey, personality goes a long way, pal. Made him laugh. Silver tongue, is that what you said? Yeah, silver tongue. It'll get you. I made him laugh. I had both. Yeah, you did. Yeah, it's a lethal combination. Yeah, that looks, personality. I just had personality. Still can get you what you need. That's right. Well, those hens on... The View. This survey came out, this thing came out, talking about why fat men are better lovers. And they said, you know, it was like a study done in Turkey or something. Here, listen. This is especially good news for you, Hoda. Apparently, fat guys make better lovers. Oh, boy. I've known that. No, I've known that. Is your husband fat? Yeah, why especially for you? Is your husband fat? I love fat men.

2:15:56A better husband's fat. It sounds like a dig, whatever it means. Yeah, that sounded real. I'm going to find out. Yeah, shoot. I would have been like, why me? How do you spell that broad's name? Hoda. Hoda. And Kathy Lee. Those two look like they're going to scratch each other's eyes out. No, they're good friends, though. You don't think? They're always making passive-aggressive remarks about each other. They are. I love that. Minus the passive. I'll tell you. It was a year-long study of male sexual. Tell me why. Why do men make better with fat ones? First of all, they conducted this in Turkey. I don't know what that's got to do with anything. There's a lot of testosterone there. Well, they found out that men with, shall we say, higher body mass. BMI? Yes. They last longer, performance-wise, than skinnier men. They last an average of 7.3 minutes, while slender men last 1 minute and 48 seconds. What? So it's because this is gross. This is gross. What? Fat men have more female hormones. What? That's what... I don't know if that's true. There's some better lovers. Does he have female hormones? No, that's not it. And estrogen slows a man's progression, too. I'll tell you what it is. First of all, the reason that they're better, the reason that fat men are better lovers than men is because women, I think, we feel sexier around a fat guy. Because you're not so self-conscious.

2:17:15Listen. No. I know what it is. Let me finish. When you're with a guy who's chiseled, you're constantly going, ooh, is he feeling that? When you're with a guy who's fat, he's so lucky to be with you. That's what I'm saying. When you're with a chiseled guy, you feel grateful to be with a chiseled guy. Maybe. Maybe there's something to what she's saying. But if the guy felt so lucky, wouldn't he earlier? If he felt so lucky? Yeah. I'd be like, oh, my God. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. Jackpot. I can't believe this is happening. I can't find it. Oh, wait. I found it. Guy's name is Hoda Kotb's fat husband. Oh. Is he? Hold on. Settle down. Because then off the air, Hoda was probably like, stop calling my husband fat. Well, see, then she must have meant something different. Maybe. No, he's not fat. Is he a coach? Maybe Hoda has said that she likes, you know, a little junk in the trunk. Oh, wow. Maybe that's the deal. Privateers, his shirt said. FM 94.9's 8th anniversary bash is coming to 4th and B. The Hold Steady, Night Marchers, New Politics. $26 to go. Saturday, November 13th. Good show. Get your tickets. It's going to be fun.

2:18:46Okay, so here's some reasons that a dude won't call a girl back. Oh, I want to hear this. Settle in. You talk, but you don't listen, all right? Women are sharers. It's culturally ingrained. You may talk to, well, let me put it this way. Sometimes when I'm driving, I will have Rebecca text because I'm driving. So I'll say, hey, can you write Woodsy a text? Sometimes Rebecca will do the same. Hers are nine pages long. Mine are one sentence. We like details. I know it. This is why we asked the Grand Inquisition as well. It says every detail is relevant. Nothing can be left out in the telling of a story. Nothing can be left out. Nothing. Never. Everything. I know because...

2:19:44Right now, Sienna's gone, and it's me with three dudes. And I can tell I've got a really short window where I've got to wrap it up. Says, problem is men don't generally communicate that way, so try to consider the ebb and flow of normal conversation. If he hasn't spoken in a while, ask him a question. You know what I think would be interesting to find out is if this is American culture, because I want to see if our new nanny from Hungary is like that. Yeah. You know? I think it's probably cultural. That American women do it? Yeah, I don't know. At least we've been given the freedoms to be able to do it. Here's another reason that guys don't call you back, ladies. You use conversation as therapy. Oh, my God. This is so true. How many times has a guy been talking to a girl and she starts to talk about her evil ex-boyfriend? Of course. And we want to shoot ourselves. Bosses.

2:20:45Yeah. Work. Bosses, I think, is more like... I'm like, oh, just lay on the couch. I'll get my pen and paper out. No. We're on a date. Let's just visit, sweetly. You're talking to a girl on the phone. She gets comfortable with you. You're in the early dating stages, and she wants to tell you about how much she hates her job. Sorry. Sorry I keep talking about work. I know. It's just... Sorry. You don't mind, do you? No, it's fine. Yeah. So, anyway. It's this other girl. You know what the worst part is? Is when they start telling you about people as if you know them. So Cindy was like, whatever. And I was like, you know what? Josh doesn't even care. Yes, I have friends that do that. And then Rachel was totally like, hello. I talked to Mark in sales. You know Mark. Anyway, I'm like, no. No, I don't know any of these people. Stop. Stop it. Stop talking. Makes you think to yourself. Are you talking to me or at me? Exactly. You know the answer. It's at. It's at you. Yeah. It's a soundboard. Number three, reason he may not have called you. You're a little too enthusiastic about him. Yeah, guys hate that. It's normal to get excited about a date with potential. It's normal to consider what kind of husband that date might be. It was also normal to write your grade school crush's name on the back of your notebook, but you wouldn't show it to him.

2:22:09Nope. I'm never going to be in a relationship again. Well, some of these, you know. Never. I would love it if a girl was enthusiastic about me. Me. Yeah. He would, he wouldn't. Can't win. Hey, and it goes both ways on that one, for sure. Yeah, it certainly does. Can't be over-enthusiastic guy, either. Listen, I am completely transparent. I am too. If I like you, I'm going to say, you know what? I like you. I love you. You may even say I love you. Oh, gosh. I wouldn't say I love you anymore. After the second date. I've matured. My heart is racing. Because it makes you, what? Because, like, the whole dating game, it makes me break out in the hives. I don't like the game part. I know. I just say what I want to say. I really like you. It doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work anymore. I don't want that girl then. If it doesn't work on her, I don't want any part of her. If I say to her, you know what? I like you a lot. And she's out on that. I don't want any part of her. 20 years ago, if you met a girl and you really liked her, okay? Yeah. You met a girl and you really liked her. And you told her, hey, I like you. Yeah. And then the next day maybe she walked out to her car and you had put a card and a mixtape or like a rose under her windshield wiper. Yeah.

2:23:21Done. She would have been like, oh my God, Mike Esparza is the sweetest little man that I've ever met. Little Mexican man. Emphasis on the little man. He's the sweetest, tiny little guy. Shortest, sweetest man. Shortest little demanded jockey. You do that now? Do that now. She's calling the cops. You know why? You're a creep. You're a stalker and a creep. You're the Craigslist killer. We are a generation of choices. It's why no one's ever happy with their job, why people always want to move, why we want to move on to the next guy. We have a lot more choices. But you had choices back then. Well, not really. Romance is gone. It was kind of like for a woman at one point, it was like you were a nurse, a teacher, a secretary. You know what I mean? I just think it's lame that you can't, you know, that you're lame if you go. You're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. You're weird. You're like, that's too much. I just, it's our first date. Whoa, slow down. Really? That's me. That's L-O-B. For sure, right? If a guy was like, listen. Yeah. Well, it just depends, you know. If it's obvious that we're hitting it off, but if there's any, like, timid towing of the waters and you just jump in there, like, cannonball. Cannonball. Well, yeah. I love you. I would never say anything like that if there was no vibe.

2:24:31Yes, exactly. Got to be a vibe. If there's a vibe, then the girl's like, oh. Yeah. If there's a vibe that we're both having fun. Yeah. Where was I walking the other day? And I could tell observationally, oh, this is a date. Oh, man. I love seeing first dates. It's the best. And instantly in my head, I went, oh, man, both of those two are sweating. It's so hard. It is so hard. She is totally not like this normally, and here is he. Wow. And he's... Oh, man. It's cool when you can break the tension and say something like that. Here's another bad one, ladies. And dudes, you ask yourself, have you ever been on a date with a girl like this? Your idea chit-chats politics, religion, and other heavy stuff. Oh, my God. This ain't meet the press, sweetheart. We're just having lunch. Yeah, just grabbing a meal. Just trying to get...

2:25:25Get to know you. I want to get to know you. Works both ways. Tell me about all your political activism, please. Because I'm freaking fascinated. Tell me about why I shouldn't have VCYs in my shampoo. Right. We just met. We just met. We just met. We just met. We just met. We just met. We just met. No, I'm not aggressive. Tell me why vaccines are bad for kids. Please. Yes. I'm so in on hearing it. Yeah. I couldn't be more enthralled. Tell me why marijuana laws are all messed up. Hey, some people, that floats their boat, you know? And they're lucky to have found each other. They are. They really, really are. I'm having heart palpitations, if anybody cares. Do you do not feel these are you? No, it's just placing myself on that first dating game whole scene that I'm just like, I'm just going to die alone with cats. I don't even have a cat. Let me tell you. i love you i think you'd be hard to date because she's such a wall you know didn't that thought of going on that first date with ella be scary a little bit petrified all day long petrified i'm way different you are in a relationship i've seen that i've seen that oh yeah i've seen her oh in fact the other day i actually thought about it the other day like she is she's not like

2:26:47you ever see her? No. She's all bubbly and giddy. Yeah, I've seen that. Which I go, but I think, well, what about the first date? Would she be a hard cookie to... No. I try to make it as comfortable as possible because it's like so awkward as it is. Just cut everybody some slack. What about the first time he says, hey, maybe we'll grab some lunch on Saturday. And you're like, okay. And then he calls you and goes... He goes, you know what? I'm actually just going to head to the bar with my buddies. We're going to watch some football. Yeah. You're done. You're done. That's what you'd hear. Yeah. Where did that come from? You know, they've been out a few times. They like each other. They've made out a little bit. You know, nothing really major. And then he's like, hey, yeah, maybe we'll grab a bite. Maybe we'll grab a bite. It depends. It depends on how soon, how close to the actual time that we agreed upon. He cancels on me. He calls you that morning. He goes, hey, I didn't know, but Mikey and Jay are in town. Guys I went to college with. We're all huge Irish fans. Actually, I'm going to call you later because we're going to go watch a game at a bar. She'd slit his throat. Yeah, and that's not her boyfriend. What was the verbiage beforehand? Maybe we'll grab lunch. Maybe. Okay, if there was a maybe in there, then I would have been, I would not have made plans around him. It's a true story. Slid his throat still. No, I wouldn't. Oh, okay, that's fine. I'm going to go slay a black guy tonight. How about this one? Jay.

2:28:17Jay, can you come get this phone dialed up for me? Who are you calling? I'm going to be on the phone. I'm going to call you. Oh. Because I want to see how this would go. Do you have a guy in mind for me? I'll paint the scenario for you. The scenario is that we made definitive plans Friday night that you had to change things around for. Oh, you guys are just setting me up. Here we go. All right, so it's firm plans. You are setting me up to look like a monster. Firm plans for lunch on Saturday. I just want to gauge scale of 1 to 10 how mad you'd be. Or if maybe you wouldn't be mad. You have picked the one thing that drives me nuts. You ready? Hey, Lauren. Hey, is this Mike? Yeah, how are you?

2:29:14Um, better than you, it sounds like. What's going on? I have the raspiest voice. I feel fine, but I just have a raspy voice. Yeah, I hear that. And so, I don't know. What don't you know? Well, we were going to go tonight at, what, 7? Um. And it's 5.30. Yeah, I'm getting ready, actually. I just turned my hair dryer off. What's up? Oh, I haven't even gotten in the shower because I wasn't sure what you were going to say. You know, I feel great, but I'm just about my raspy voice. I thought you might be like, oh, I hope you're not sick or something. It sounds fine. As long as you feel OK, right? I feel good, but I was thinking like we could probably, you know, are you busy tomorrow? I can't even look at her. I can't even look at her when she heard her face. Face of death. She gave a face. Holy. Like, that was the kiss of death. Are you busy tomorrow? So maybe just reschedule. Holy cow. Like, I bet you could feel the anger inside of you, right? I was just going to stare at you, Mike, until you finally looked up to see what I was doing. Dale will be falling asleep. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Jay's like, damn it. Jay, let's do it again. Is there a redial on that button? I know.

2:30:46This is going to turn it up 80 notches. Every guy listening and every girl listening, ask yourself, how would you be in this situation? Guys are crawling out of their skin right now. Oh, yeah. Just really narrowing my chances of getting... Hey, Lauren, what's up? Hey, Mike. How you doing? I'm good. So we were getting together tonight at... Seven? That's right. Seven. I'm just drying my hair right now. I turned it off to pick up the phone, actually. Okay, because it's so weird. I just looked at my watch right now, and it's 530. And I'm like, oh, man, am I going to be able to make it over there by then, which I probably could. It's just I'm going to be late. Okay. Crazy question. You could totally say no. Is there any chance that we can reschedule this? for next friday because i i kind of double booked i don't usually double book in fact i rarely double book but i did double book with my friend brian who's gonna be moving out of town and and are you there yeah um he's you just remembered that he's moving or what no i didn't remember that he was just moving for whatever reason

2:32:12I thought that he was here for another two weeks and that this thing that he's doing was like two weeks from now. Right, right. And so I just got a text from my friend, Stephen Woods, and he was like, hey, we're still on for tonight. And I'm like, and I go, oh, well. And then I was like, oh, well, I can't. Instantly, I was like, dude, I can't. And I won't go. But I was just seeing. If you were like, oh, you know, it's totally fine to do it next week because this was totally my screw up. It was my screw up. I screwed up. Well, I mean, you're kind of putting me in an awkward position. Aren't they going to be going out all night? Do you want to do dinner and then you can meet up with them after? Well, I could. Yeah. You know what? It's fine, actually. You go do your thing.

2:33:14Maybe call me this week. Maybe don't. I'll give up. What about tomorrow night? What are you doing tomorrow? Tomorrow night I have plans. That's what you do when you make plans. You keep them. So I'm going to go. I think one of my friends might be moving out of town. So maybe I'll go see what they're up to. But cool. You guys have fun. Tell Brian I said hi. I'm going to call her. No, it's cool. It's cool. No, no, no. I don't want to go. No, you know what? I don't want to actually go out with you anymore. If I'm Mike, I never call her again. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I wouldn't be like that. But L.O.B.'s right. I'm the jerk. Well, yeah, you're the jerk, but things happen. It just depends. You know what I mean? I've done that, by the way. I've done that. It's hard to say. You gave me a tough one because the guy's moving out of town. L.O.B., but you know what? There are so many, I've known so many girls that go, oh, it's okay. And they'll let me get away with that. Oh, yeah. You might give them one. I've done this before. I give them one pass. Oh, my God. But in my head. You should never give them that pass. It's jotted down. Oh, believe you, me boy. That's jotted down. Holy cow. You shouldn't give them one. What is like 17 feet away from me? Scared to death. I want you to do it.

2:34:31Do what? I want you to try it. Maybe you have a more silvery tongue. Okay, we'll try it. He would definitely. All right, when we come back, Woods tries it. And I'm going to give you a scenario. I want to go out in the hallway. Dream up a scenario that you can try to get out of. Stroll playing on the Mikey Show. Love it. Soundtrack of my life. I love that song. That was. It was part of the soundtrack of my life. Oh, it was. Yeah. I was really into that album. So we are about to do a role play between Woods and L.O.B. Because Lauren O'Brien, we think, can get you. I just want everyone to know I'm playing the part. I am. Lauren is played by herself. I know. But I want to hear what you would... A caricature of myself. Can you guys hear me okay? You're not on yet. Oh, okay. You're not on yet. I can hear you just fine. You're not on yet. Okay. Put my mic on. All right. I just have... No. You're going to be on that phone. Just give me a second here. Love her spat real good. Oh, gosh.

2:36:23Okay, so here's the scenario, Lauren. You and Woods are going out to dinner and a concert. That's the scenario. Who are we going to see? Who do you want to see? Let's see. How about Coldplay? There you go. You're going to see Coldplay. All right, Woods. You there? You're talking to L.O.B. Okay. Hello? I can't look at you. Hey, gorgeous. What are you doing? Hey. What are you up to? I was just getting ready, actually. What are you up to? Doing the same. Doing the same. Got my DJs out. Nice. And my sharp shirt. I'm really, really excited for our little date tonight. Yeah, me too. Quick, slight, slight change of plans. And I hope this doesn't make you mad. It's kind of a weird thing. So I'm still good with the dinner. And I can. It's so stupid. You're going to be like, you're such an idiot. But I got a text from my coach, the game that I had tomorrow, you know, my men's league, the Tipsy Crows. We were supposed to play at 1.30, but now we have to play at freaking 9.30 in El Cajon, which is like a good solid hour drive for me. So I was going to see if we could hit dinner and then like check out just a little bit of the show and then, you know, try to call it a night. I got to get to bed before, you know, midnight.

2:37:47This is for your men's league? Yeah, yeah, it's actually a really, really big game. We're playing against our rivals, and, you know, baseball's kind of the thing that keeps me sane. Okay. Is that cool? I mean, you know, I know I look like a giant dork right now, but, you know, I'm willing to risk that. Well, what if, do you want to just go to the concert and we'll play it by ear? Like, we'll see if you're tired or... Well, I mean, again, like I said, I need to be home by like 11 or 11, 1130, something like that. But I mean, if it's a big deal. Well, maybe we maybe we can just drive separate then because I kind of want to. You'll stay at the concert. Yeah. I mean, I paid for the tickets. I kind of want to. Yeah, I actually paid for the tickets, but it's no big deal. Well, I paid for half. Maybe we just argue. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Maybe we just argue about it? No, I think it's fine if we just drive separate. Do you think that we're going to have to pay for parking? I'll pay for your parking. You know that. Okay. Okay. Cool. All right. We'll just do that then. Okay, good. It's going to be a good show. I'll see you in like an hour. Cool. All right. Bye. Wow, those were two cool customers. Those were two professionals at their craft. Yes, but afterwards I got off the phone and cried.

2:38:58Let me tell you, though, something, L.O.B., you inflicted such guilt in such a great Catholic way that I remember growing up, that good Catholic guilt that I felt growing up. And Woods, you were masterful at turning the tables. That line, it's kind of what keeps me sane. Maybe the best line. Yeah. What is she going to say to that? What is she going to say to that? You didn't hear that? I didn't even hear it. He goes, yeah, it's from my men's league. It's kind of what keeps me sane. I was still, like, venomous. Yeah. At the thought of, we're going to leave early so that you could go to your game? Yeah. Oh, that was so well done. Like, there was a couple of points. See, Woods, he handled it. perfectly had it been me and she said maybe we take separate cars Dagger in the heart which she knew well played well played yeah well played he said I'll pay for your parking okay I think oh my gosh because if that had really gone down but you know what would have happened if he would have actually left me I was gonna say her left me at that concert dead

2:40:19Never again would have cried, would have called my friend on the way home and be like, you believe me? And see, in my mind, that pushback from her, immediately I'm like, I'm out. Immediately. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to try to slay her tonight, and then after that I'm never going to talk to her again. We weren't meant to be. I think that girls would have liked the jerkiness in that. Like, you didn't care. No, I didn't care. And you were like, okay. Okay. I think girls, they would have been like, oh, he's a challenge. I thought I was going to get him so guilted out, and I couldn't. I would have gotten off the phone and maybe cried a little bit and then looked at his pictures on Facebook and reminded myself that he was cute enough to be worth it. I'd be like, okay, so I'll see how it goes. And in my mind, I'm like, huh, I guess what's important to me isn't important to her. What was important first, though? But wouldn't you be thinking to yourself, Woods, I am kind of a D. No, I would. And it was a bummer that the game got changed. I mean, I was bummed the game got changed. I was planning on going out. We're going to blow it out. I got a 1.30 game. Sleep in. Get up. Go to the game. But hey, man, life happens sometimes. And you got to be able to change on the fly. Wow. That was great. That's something that a wife can deal with.

2:41:41Not a date. Someone that you're dating for the first time. It's a tough pill to swallow. And, you know, that's why I try to use humor. I'm like, oh, okay, well, let's just argue about it. And there was. That's so like. Yep. And there was. Now, what was so interesting about that was that in the course of two minutes, you went from going on a date, and I mean this with all sincerity, to being in a relationship. Yes. Absolutely. Totally. You really did. Totally. Because there was kind of your first, it was like a fight. Did you hear my excitement in the beginning? I was like, I can't wait. Yeah. So cute. And then by the end, I was ready to cry. I can't believe he did this to me. And he was willing to push right back. Oh, yeah. You got to be, man. I'm telling you. I try to impart this wisdom to guys a lot. And it wasn't something I was very good at, but it's like golf. I can teach you how to swing. I'm not that great of a golfer, though. Be aloof. If you care too much, they're not going to like you. Just be aloof, guys. Well, the thing is... Get a tattoo on your wrist that says be aloof. No. Just don't play games. I can only do what I am. But don't be overexcited. No. If you act like you don't care...

2:42:55They love it. That's a game if you act. It's not a game when you say act. It's true. If you really don't care, that's one thing. Temper your personality. Because if you're like me and Mikey, you're out there serenading them on a gondola, singing up to their window. Because that's the kind of dudes we are. I'm like you. But when I've acted aloof, I've been like, okay, whatever. Have a great time. You cancel plans, great. You know what, though? I think women can sniff that out. Because the truth is that I was aloof with Rebecca. But I was aloof with Rebecca because I was genuinely aloof, which I think she thought to herself, how is that possible? He is a short, chubby guy. And I am not. And I am not that. And I have gone out with guys much, much, much better looking than him. How is it possible that he's being aloof with me? And I genuinely was. I wasn't like putting it on whatever. Now, there's been other women that I've tried because I so badly wanted to not mess it up that I was like, I'm going to do this very strategically. And I think they sniffed out that I was. Yeah. Maybe take like a break because sometimes you can get really excited and you're like, why did I text that? Why did I text that? So like just take a breather, take a second or two before you get overly excited on those kinds of things. But generally, I'd say don't act because.

2:44:20It's better to find out on, like, date one or two than date six that you're just not going to work out. See, I bet Woodsy has the capability of being aloof with everybody. Well, we have different motivations in mind. I want to be in a relationship. Woods wants to slay. So it's like, you know what I mean? I'm married, by the way. Well, no. Back in the single days. In that scenario that we were just doing. Yeah, and, you know, I was also the guy that would try to be aloof. Like, with Jamie especially, I would be like, I don't care. Do whatever you want. This is BS. You date whoever you want. And then I'd be the guy like, why are you acting like this? Why'd you go out with him? I'd storm out, and then I'd storm right back in and be like, why do you do this? Why does it have to be like this? Why are you like this? That's funny. I'm in my bag of tricks. Basically, yeah. Woodsy loves fake harmonies. Tonight's 8 o'clock album is Dead Confederates. The album is Sugar. And don't forget, if you're looking for some high-end printing or you want your website done or any of that stuff, our guy Jared, man, he's the best. CreateYourDesignOnline.com. Check him out. He is the best. I got some stuff that employers aren't allowed to ask it. I'm going to do it coming up. You'll see that...

2:46:27Switchfoot got Album of the Year at the San Diego Music Awards. Pretty nice. Good job. Well done. Some San Diego FM 94.9 fans, too. Burning of Rome, best rock album. Yeah. Played at Indie Jam. White Apple Tree, best local recording. Our boy Josh D'Amigo. Also at Indie Jam. Yes, also at Indie Jam. And then our boy, yeah, Josh D'Amigo. Also is in our studio. Best acoustic. Congratulations. Very cool. Even though he is a Red Sox fan. Mm-hmm. But congrats, man. Yeah. That's really cool. Last night were the video music awards, and the big thing is Lady Gaga won a bunch of awards and wore a meat suit. How can you get people to talk about me even more? Mm-hmm. What more одres can I wear? Wear a meat suit. Yeah, put a meat suit on. It's never been done. There's a reason why it's never been done. Because it's meat. It's meat. Gosh. It's disgusting. I wonder how they did it.

2:47:31Sew that together. Sew it up. Probably wearing like a metal sheath, like a, I don't know. Smelling like an iron. Maybe we dress Lauren in a meat suit. Ew. For the next meet and greet, get it? Ew. Yeah. Gross. I'm in. She had like a lamb chop on her head. These are some things employers are not allowed to ask you. Didn't know this stuff. How old are you? Yeah, can't ask a big one. Age discrimination? You know how we get around it? Huh? When did you graduate college? Oh. Or how about fill out an application before you? You used to do it all the time, but I don't even think you can ask for a birth date, can you? On an application? Yeah, I guess you can. Huh. I don't know. But if I was screening somebody, I'd go, so when did you go to a four-year school? You did. When did you graduate? It's called the Age Discrimination in Employment Act. Uh-huh. Happened in 1967, and the spirit of it is to...

2:48:33Protect people that are 40 and up from being discriminated against. Can't ask if you are married. Why? Because it might affect, like, your ability to travel or your ability to... Also, some people, some companies, I've worked for both sides, that they're like, oh, guy's married, he's probably stable, you know, got a family, guy's going to work hard. Yeah, he's not going anywhere. Then the other company's like, dude, this kid's single, I own him. He'll do whatever I tell him to do. Well, that's the thing. If I want to know whether they're married or not, I just say, tell me a little about yourself. Yeah. Because you're going to say that. Yep. If you're married, you're going to say, well, I'm married. Are you a U.S. citizen? Can't ask that. You can't. Thank goodness they haven't been able to ask me. I can't ask that. That's weird. Infringing on rights. It's weird anyway. Who asked that? Who asked that unless I come in there? I can barely speak English. Hey, are you from here? You don't understand one word I'm saying. They stare at them. Maybe they would think we were Canadian or something. Can't ask if you have any disabilities. Discrimination. Yeah. I think that that's relevant, though. Just like I think all these things are relevant. I think it's relevant how old you are, if you're married. If you're married isn't really relevant. Neither is age, necessarily. It just depends. If it's labor-intensive, then you should be able to say, regardless of whatever you've got going on, you must be able to do this. Right.

2:50:06Yeah, we always said you have to be able to lift a 50-pound box. Right. What if I go, I'm looking for somebody that isn't married because we're going to have you traveling a lot and blah, blah, blah. Then they have the opportunity to go, well, you know what? It won't be a problem. Can't say it. That stinks. That's so stupid. You can't tell them what. You may think that in your head, and you may have your fingers crossed under the desk that they're not married, but you can't go, man, I was really looking for somebody that was single. Yeah, it's discrimination. You're discriminating against them because they're single. Well, just tell me then, married guy, how that won't be a problem. That's what bums me out. He's saying he shouldn't have to fight his case. It's his personal life. It is not going to affect his job. If this were 1957, this stuff wouldn't even exist. I know. Well, when did it come about? 1967. That's what it said, right? Yeah. Can't ask if you take drugs, smoke, or drink. Really? Yeah. No, but you know what you can do? Drug test. Or go to their Facebook page. Oh, I've told that story. We busted so many guys by their Facebook page. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, use your head about what you put on there. You can't ask what religion you practice. No, absolutely not. Yeah. And I mean, to me, that's not as relevant as are you married if I'm looking for a single guy. Right. You know, it's different. Does it matter to me if you're.

2:51:31Buddhist or whatever. In the States, one of the things I used to do when I recruited a lot, recruited a lot of people, I'd say, so tell me about your last three years income. What'd you make? And they'd always tell you because that's how we had a grid, a sliding scale on what we were going to pay them. I started recruiting in Canada. Oh, no. You cannot ask them what they made. Really? You just can't. It's against the law. I can't say, hey, how'd you do last year? Not going to tell you. If you're in sales, you can, I mean. You have to know. What kind of salesman are you? How did you do? Can't ask people what their race is. Why would you? Right. So what is that brown skin you got going on there? What are you? Even the Caribbean? Yeah. What are you, by the way? What nationality are you? You're kind of swarthy. You're very exotic looking. Yeah, you're very exotic looking. What are you? Is your dad a GI? Is your dad a GI? Gold. Can't ask, are you pregnant? No. Oh, it's a bad one. So are you just fat? Oh, wow. Hey, Chubbs, are you pregnant? Oh, gosh. I can't imagine a world where somebody would ask, are you pregnant? I know. Oh, you're not? I got asked. You got asked twice, LLB. One day. Twice in one day. Twice within five minutes. But on a job interview, I got asked what my family plans were. Oh, boy. By a chick younger than me. She said, do you have any plans to have kids? Mm-hmm.

2:52:58What are your family plans? What do you mean by that? Are you going to settle down? Are you going to have kids? Yeah, one day. Don't worry about that. Is that bad? Yes. Why? Yes. Because they could be discriminating both ways. Number one, they could be like, this is a family company and we only want families. Right. What if they do? Why is that bad? Because you can't outwardly say that. This job's not for me then. Hey, you can keep it in your head, but don't say it out loud. Yeah, don't ask that stuff. Maybe she was just worried that your clock was running out. Maybe. I'm against that stuff. Up with the verbal attacks from Jay today. What? I feel like if somebody said to me, if I go to a job interview and they go, how much do you weigh? They're asking. Like, what am I? Oh, my gosh. I can't believe that you would. Mike, you would go, oh, my.

2:53:57Oh, boy. Oh, yeah, I would. I probably would go, oh, wow. Is that relevant? I'm 215 pounds. I mean, I answered her and was like, yeah, you know, but I was like, I thought back on it and I was like, well, this job requires travel, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know. If I went to a job interview and the person says, so do you plan on having kids settling down? I go. You're not a woman. You're not a woman. It's different. It's different. They're going to have to pay for maternity leave. They're going to have to get a temp. They're going to have to worry about the whole shenanigans. Just tell the truth. Maybe the answer is, yeah, one day. Yeah, I did say that. But I'm saying they're not allowed to do that because it discriminates from. Were your rights, did you feel your rights were infringed upon? No. That's the thing. Because there was a chick that was younger than me, and I was like, she doesn't even know what she's doing right now. She's filling in for her boss and asking terrible questions. And if you don't like the question, say hit the road, buzzard. Yeah, I did. You know what? I'm going to tell you that. I did. I started being real aloof. I put my legs up on the desk. I was like, I don't even want this. Smoke the cigarette. Go ahead and ask me. Let's shoot the breeze. Fire away. Yeah. Yeah, she lit up a marijuana cigarette. Hillary, guess what I ordered this morning? Kombucha. Nope. I don't know. The movie Okie Noodling on DVD. You found it?

2:55:19On DVD. You're going to love it. Yeah. You really are. Can't wait. That's awesome. Documentary. It's great. I can't wait. Okay, noodling. That's awesome. It looks really good. Chances you asked me to come watch it at your house. 100%. How many times? Chances you do. At least 13 times you'll ask. On Friday, I asked Woods 154 times to go see Inception. I heard some of that. He wouldn't do it. No. Have you never seen it? No, I haven't. He won't see it out of principle now. Now it's principle. I'll watch it when it comes on TBS. I have not seen it, but I'm dying to. Me too. That's good. What do you got coming up, Hal? What do I got? I'm a little hoarse. I was at the Music Awards last night. Were you? Trying to talk to everyone over the loud, good music. Yeah. Struggling. I did grab the Hold Steady. Playing our anniversary bash, their new record, and I grabbed the new Edward Sharp. I'm not going to play Home, though, so it melts off that. Queens of the Stone Age, Black Keys. Good stuff. Can I make a request? Will you play the new Kings for me? Yes. Sweetly? Thank you. Real sweetly. Lovely and talented Hillary is up next, and the Mikey Show will come back tomorrow morning at 6. We'll do it again. Mikey Show's out.