The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 09/29/10

1:08Welcome to the program. Let's do this thing up. Let's get this thing going. It's a world famous Mikey show, ladies and gentlemen. And we're here for you. Get it, Woods. Get it. Oh, that is sultry. Soul. Nice. That's real good. He's got a bee in his bonnet. That's right. That is correct. Well, welcome, everybody, to the Mikey show. Give us a call right now. We're in our new studio. We're in Studio M. That's right. It's a studio that is dedicated completely to The Mikey Show. We are the only show that uses it. It's kind of like the same deal that Stern has in New York. I remember when I was on his show being completely in awe of the size of that place. It's huge. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a whole collaborative thing there. I mean, they've got different...

2:26you know, offices in different areas where everybody is just working on the show. It's great. We have that now. We do. We do. We have, I mean, so that I could be sort of your eyes as you listen, we are in a studio where I face Woods and L.O.B. across the console from me. To my left, I look at Jay through glass. Through my right, I look at Cross. That's Cross! Through glass. And he's screening phone calls. Jay over my left, he's doing a variety of things. In the studio that we're in, there is a couch to my left. Beautiful overstuffed green couch. Yeah, that I don't care for, but the rest of it. I love it. It's great. You're snuggled up on there every day. Well, what am I, you know what I mean? What's your choice? I think it's funny the engineers call it grandma's couch. Yeah. They also call it your love shack because you guys usually go like head to toe on there. Yeah, we do. So awkward. Is it? Play footsie. Then right next to that, right next to that couch is a ginormous bean bag called the love sack. And it's black. Black? Yeah. Navy blue, I think. No, it's black. Trust me, I know. Lower nose. Yeah. It's a love sack, baby. I have problems with that, too. It's called midnight blue. Oh, wow.

3:50When I ordered it, it was called black, but hey, you know what? Maybe it's midnight blue. It's glorious, whatever color it is. Oh, it's comfy. That's what she said. I'll do a handstand right into it. And then what kind of lighting do you call this, Jay? Track. Track lighting. We got track lighting. In the shape of an M, or if you're woods, it's in the shape of a W. That's right. It's huge. And so that's our studio. And then very soon we're going to have stuff put up all over the walls. There are two television monitors that I look at. To my left and to my right in the studio where I can see what's going on at all times of the news. And in front of me is a control board that has the phones ready for you to call in. 570-1949. Call in about anything you want. Craig Gass will be in the studio today. And I can't wait. I cannot wait. Me too. The five people on the Mikey Show. Me, Woods, Lauren. Sienna, who's out on maternity leave, Jay, our producer, and our phone screener, Chris. It's crap. It's crap! It's crap. How sweet was the email that we all got from Sienna yesterday? It was so nice. Oh, my gosh. Sienna sent an email just to tell us she missed us and she loved us and, you know, she'll be back to work as soon as she can and that she's just loving the time with her baby. A little sagey. A little sage. And, you know, it was really nice. So sweet. Yeah.

5:13Got me in the heart, got Woodsy, and got all of us. Got us real good. It was just so sweet. So big things to talk about really quickly. What do people win today, Jay, for word of the day? Four pack of tickets to the Wild Animal Park. Awesome. Four pack of tickets to the Wild Animal Park. And the word of the day is infestation. Infestation. Good one. And when you hear me work it into a sentence, caller number nine wins. It's no dungaroos. It is no dungaroos, but it's pretty good. Craig Gass will be in here sometime in the seven hour. And if you're not familiar with Craig Gass, we mentioned Stern. He's done a lot of stuff on the Stern Show. He is a voice guy. He does more voices. than anybody, and he's just, he's so good. It's uncanny. Yeah. It's scary good. Incorporator at 7.30 this morning. Wow, big day. We're calling a Halloween supply place. And we had dinner with Craig last night. Yeah. Woodsy's wife's birthday was last night, and it was me and my wife Rebecca, Woods and his wife,

6:39And I laughed so hard that my surgery hurt. Oh, no. Dude. Yeah. He had me in stitches. He was sitting right next to me. And we got to the restaurant early. I mean, we got there really early because we had to be up early. So we were the only ones in there for a while. And his voices are so loud. Yeah. They're so loud. Yeah. You have to project, you know, when you do the voices. And I mean, I was sitting there looking at him going, I've been listening to this dude on the radio for 10 years. Yeah. And he is. Hysterical. Yeah, he is. He's the same dude that you hear on the radio. Mm-hmm. And he'll do... It's Tracy Morgan. It's a quiet restaurant. Yeah. We were at Pamplemousse because when Gas comes into town, he's got to have that burger from Pamplemousse. And he is so funny. And part of the funny is that... It's a quiet restaurant, but guests don't care. He don't care. He don't care. And so he's doing Tracy Morgan, and he's like, it's going to come from the heart. The heart. The heart. Comedy come from the heart. I was crying, dude. It was hysterical. No, was he just doing these, or were you guys like, now, dude? No, no, no. He would just, you know, we're just talking about stories. He's talking stories. And he's like, oh, yeah. And then I ran into Tracy Morgan, and then he does the Tracy Morgan. And my wife, literally, Mikey's wife said,

7:58Six words at dinner. My wife said two, which was thank you. And I think that was all. And they just sat there. And the three of us just did our bit for like an hour and a half. Just riffed. So fun. It was like Woods and Gas knew each other for 20 years. Really? Absolutely. Yeah. So anyway, Gas will be in here in a little bit. And we'll do some stuff with him. If you've never heard him before, Google him. Look him up on YouTube. Incredible. Kenison, incredible Christopher Walken, incredible Tracy Morgan. Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Al Pacino. It's on and on. I left there last night just grinning, man, just laughing. So fun. He did the baby Pacino stuff that he does on the Stern show because years ago Pacino had twins. Oh, incredibly funny Gary Delabate. He was telling the whole story. Which, you know what? Instead of me sharing the story, when he comes in, we'll have him tell the story about when he hit Howard up with the baby Pacino idea. How long do you think he'll hang out? Oh, he'll hang out till the end of the show. Yes. Oh, yeah. And he'll be in today and Friday. Nice. He'll be in today and Friday. He loves Mikey. Loves Mikey.

9:19Oh, man. Those two together, man. It was really cool. Like, you know, I didn't know. I thought it was like, oh, yeah, he's been on my show a few times. I mean, he's like he's a buddy and he just adores Mike. It was really cool. And, you know, it was funny because, you know, we were talking about when I used to be with the old crew and how he said it was so weird that it was like mom and dad were divorced and he didn't know what to do. And he was like, what do I do? You know? And I told him, I said, hey, man, just so you hear it from me, you do whatever you want, man. You got shows to sell and you got to do your thing. And so he's going to be at 4th and B this weekend. And, you know. You get him weekdays, and they get him on weekends. The drop-offs are a little awkward. Some holiday, every other holiday. Every other holiday. My question is, are you guys going to all three share the comforter on the couch? That's right. Sounds like a love fest. Kind of a little throw. 5701949. Big news stories out there are this bishop, Eddie Long, which, you know, I'm a guy that...

10:31knows about christianity and i still don't understand what a reverend and a bishop and a pastor and i don't get it i don't know what any of that like what the difference between all those things are but this guy's known as bishop yeah bishop eddie long bishop was solely pertaining to the catholic church right oh really i thought it was i don't know well i told you guys you guys you guys all have to call me cardinal now Yeah. Cardinal Woods. Cardinal Woods. Now that is Catholic, right? Monsignor Woods. Monsignor. Monsignor is Catholic. I don't know what any of those. I thought Bishop was as well, but. At my church, it's a pastor. Right. And I thought a priest was only Catholic. I know that's Catholic. But my thing is, I'm like, well, what makes a guy, what makes Jesse Jackson the Reverend Jesse Jackson? Self-proclaimed? Maybe a reverend is self. I don't want to guess, though. Is it like karate where you get different belts? I don't know. If anybody knows the answer. In the Catholic Church, you go through a process and you get ordained to be higher up and higher up and higher up. You get your black belt, your yellow belt, your red belt. If this guy's just calling himself a bishop, it might just be because he wants to one-up Jesse Jackson. He's self-proclaimed Bishop Eddie Long. Well, so what had happened, we've talked about this story for a week now. Basically, he is accused of coercing some, when they were...

11:5017, 18 years old, some parishioners, male parishioners, into some pretty gnarly stuff, man, like masturbation and things like that and oral sex and stuff, just really crazy stuff. This guy is vehemently against gay people, so he has said. He's come out and said, you know, homosexuality is not the right thing to do, and turns out he may be a gay guy, you know? I mean, it's... if this evidence holds up, but one of the accusers, Jamal Paris, came out and said, listen, I cannot get the sound of his voice out of my head. I cannot forget the smell of his cologne. I cannot forget the way he made me cry many nights when I drove in his cars on the way home. He said he cannot look me in the eye and tell me we did not live this pain. While you sit in front of the church and tell them you categorically deny it, you can't say that to our face, and know this, you are not a man, you are a monster. It's heavy. That is heavy. That sounds like someone who's sticking by his story. Absolutely. And he told this to an Atlanta television station, WAGA. And he had said, hey, you know, Eddie Long had come to us and said, hey, you know what, guys? This is not a big deal. This is a, quote, healthy component of your spiritual life. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. And, you know, what you guys have to understand is this man manipulated us from childhood. This was our father, and we loved him. Brutal. Brutal.

13:12So terrible. And, you know, obviously, Bishop Eddie Long has come out. He was in front of his entire congregation last Sunday and said, I'm going to fight this thing. You know, I deny it. I'm David. I got five rocks in my hand. I haven't thrown any yet. OK, so I want to say this because this is what makes me angry about the story and with this guy, if it's true. OK, if it's true, this is what makes me angry. is that he gets in the way of people being saved. Yeah. He gets in the way of that. Absolutely. And the reason that he does is because one of the things that I've heard from people that I have personally ministered to is I'm not going to be a part of Christianity because it's a bunch of hypocrites. All it is is a bunch of people saying, don't do this, don't do this. And you know what they are? They're pedophiles. They're child molesters. They are gays. You hear this stuff, right? And so that's the damage that's done to the cause, which makes my job that much harder in trying to save somebody and get them to believe. That's my biggest issue with it. Now, whether or not the guy is guilty, we'll probably find out, but we don't know yet.

14:40And like Wood said the other day, you know, I don't want to skewer the guy before we know that he's guilty. He's innocent until proven guilty. But, man, it sure does put a black eye. And I think to myself, do people, am I right about that? Like, do people go, dude, I ain't never going to be a part of that. But this is what I want to say about it. Maybe you've heard me say this before. go see a Vin Diesel movie and you think Vin Diesel is really cool and you go that's the kind of cat that I would want to hang around with whether you're a guy or a girl maybe you're a girl and you think that he seems like a cool guy the kind of guy that you would want to know be in a relationship with and if you're a dude maybe you're the type of guy that goes he seems like the kind of cat I'd roll with you will never ever have a personal relationship with Vin Diesel by knowing his fans

15:41And the reason that you won't is because some of his fans are nuts. Some of his fans are whacked out. Some of his fans are stupid. Some of his fans are jerks. Some of his fans may be perfectly cool and even like him. They may be similar to him. But you've got to realize what you're dealing with is just people, and some of them are wacky. And so in order to get to know him, you've got to get to know him. not his followers. Yeah, that's a great analogy. I mean, it really is because, you know, you hear a lot. I'm a Christian, and, you know, you hear a lot about religious zealots and whatnot, and it turns people off, you know, and they're like, well, I can't be associated with that because all those people are crazy. Yeah, and, I mean, you think about people in front of the sports arena when there's concerts going on holding signs up, and I'm like, oh, boy, with you guys. Yeah. People that are monsters, I mean, that's the thing. It takes trust out of me for everybody. It's not just the church. Everybody, if this guy could be a monster, anybody you know could be a monster. Yeah, man. That's the scary part. And anybody can be. Anybody can be. Anybody can be. So it's like you've got to watch your kids and you've got to pay attention to everything that's going on. And even then, you can't be 100% sure you're going to catch it all. M1Wubby is on the line. Hi, Wub. Good morning, guys. How are you doing? Good morning.

17:03Peachy, how are you? Great. So, difference between reverend and pastor. Oh, there we go. Reverend, if you are ordained to preach, but you don't have a church that you lead, you're a reverend. There you go. If you have a church that you are in charge of, you are a pastor. Okay, so that means that a reverend is not in charge of the church? A reverend can be in charge of the church. Let's say you just get through divinity school, you have all your stuff, you become ordained, you get the title of reverend. And it's like being a doctor. You just got your doctorate, now you're looking for your own practice. Once you get installed as a minister of a church, then you become pastor, because now you are the leader of the church. Got it. You have your own church. Got it. Makes sense. Okay. Bishops predominantly don't have...

18:05have a lot of history in black churches. There are two kind of sects, like the Methodist, and I don't know if you know the Church of God in Christ. They're more, they have a little bit of Pentecostal flavor in some of their worship practices. They, typically, when they get their reverend in their church, they anoint him. Got it. And they call him bishop. All right. And it's similar that way. Whoopi, thank you for the call. I appreciate it. Thank you. Dynamite news. Anyway, so that's what's going on with this dude. Every day, a new layer of the onion. Every day there's a new thing. It doesn't look good. I mean, there hasn't been anything really other than him saying that he's going to fight it that has been kind of in his corner yet.

19:00Did you hear about the brawl in Ohio? Holy cow. What the heck? Holy cow. What is this? Cincinnati, Ohio. There is a three-year-old little girl. It's her birthday party. So they rented, you know, like a town hall. It's the Fraternal Order of Eagles Hall. It's like a VFW or something, right? So they rent this thing out, and they have a bunch of kids, like 30 kids there, a bunch of parents. Well, somebody thought it'd be a good idea to bring a bunch of beer. Because all the kids will be there running around playing. So let's bring a ton of beer to a little kid's three-year-old's birthday party and everyone have some cocktails while we're watching the kids play. Well, the little girl, she was three years old, her father and her mother's new boyfriend got in a fight. And this thing turned into a 75-person brawl. People were throwing beer bottles across the room. About, let's see, 15 people injured. Five people hospitalized, one person needing surgery got hit in the eye with a beer bottle. Oh, wow. What about little kids? No, little kids were hurt from what I could gather. Luckily, but they could have been. Yeah, they totally could have been. They showed L.O.B. and I watched a video this morning. Of course there's video, right? Of course. Well, there's aftermath. After. After. Broken glass everywhere. Blood splattered on the ground. Blood splattered. It's insane.

20:21And little birthday hats. Yep. Just come on. You know what? I don't even have commentary. What can you say? I'm a talk show host. I have no commentary. I could say that it's okay to have beer. Oh, boy. It's okay to have drinks for the parents. I don't think so. Really? I don't think so. Oh, you're a clown. Am I a clown? Let's bring alcohol around three-year-olds and then drive them home. We always have, when people come over to our house for a party, if it's Jasper's party, the adults. at the party can have a drink. Yeah, a drink is fine. So there's wine and there's beer available. Sure. But nobody at my house is breaking out, getting out of the trailer out front and walking in and getting to the party. Well, they had an excessive amount of money. If you're a hillbilly. But you know how you can avoid that? Yeah. Maybe have friends that aren't hillbillies. Well, I get that, but I'm saying in this case. Never at my house are people going to break out in a fight. Do you think that they would have said that? That's probably what they would have said. Dude, I mean, before that happened, if you had interviewed them before the party and said, do you guys think that a brawl is going to break out with 75 people involved? You're going to throw beer bottles? You're going to throw beer bottles and they're going to be, and they'd probably say, of course not. This is a kid's birthday party. Why would we have this much beer if we thought someone could break? So, if you had a party at your house and it broke, you couldn't have beer at your house if you were just having a party? Yeah, but here's the deal. But what if a fight broke out?

21:48Well, yeah, it may very well happen, but I wouldn't have my kid there if I had a party. You wouldn't have your kid at your house if you had a party? No, not if I had a big blowout and had a bunch of people over. Yeah, I mean, dude, when we do our, you know, I do a Super Bowl party every year, and when I do, there's booze. I mean, I don't drink, but there's booze because I know there's adults there that drink booze. Right. And, you know, kids, I always put, you know, this is an adult thing. And so our kids, upstairs. Jake ran down this year and I was coming out of my skin. I told Rebecca, I said, babe, you know, and she's like, oh, they think it's cute. I'm like, get him out of here. We never hide our kids when we have a party like that. Our kids are always welcome. I mean, it's never going to be. I get it. I get it, too. I just personally, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't rent a thing. I wouldn't rent a hall. have 30 kids, and then me standing there, like, taking pics, pounding beers, you know? I just wouldn't. I wouldn't pound beers. I wouldn't pound them, but for sure. To each their own. But you're responsible. And there's got to be, you know, if you've got a mix of people, there's going to be some clowns. Yeah, absolutely. There's going to be some clowns. You tell them to get. And if there were 75 people that were brawling there, think about how many people were there. It had to be 100, 120 people at this.

23:00Three-year-old's birthday party. It turned into a frat party is what it turned into. Well, that's, I mean, I come from a huge family, so anytime we had any sort of gathering, that's how many people were there. And there was booze, but we never had the white trash fights or anything like that. Probably the biggest story yesterday was that shooting that happened at the University of Texas. We got an update on what happened. Actually, for all intents and purposes, it was... Nobody got hurt in terms of kids at UT. Oh, now, have you heard the Des Bryant story? Rookie wide receiver from the Dallas Cowboys? You know he took a lot of heat for not carrying Roy Williams. Shoulder pads is a hazing thing for a rookie. Took a lot of heat for that. Well, he got a dinner bill from his team on Monday night. They went out to dinner, and they were like, Listen, you're going to get hazed. All right, Rook. Yeah, all right, Rookie. How did he respond to this? And by the way, I will just tell you that this bill, give you a hint, five figures. Five figures. Tell you how much it was, what he did, how that went down. Tell you about it next. Shocked it. I like that song. Wait, but there's a bit behind it. So it's okay because there's a story.

24:40Well, I like the song, but look at the name of the song. Boston. Yeah. Guess who's not in the playoffs this year? Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Have fun on the links, pals. We'll see you next year. He does have a nasty taste in his mouth. He's a Yankees fan. Yeah, it's in the blood. Yeah, exactly. Hey, if there was a Red Sox fan sitting here right now, he'd be doing the same bit. He'd probably play a song called F the Yankees. But you actually like this song? I like this song. Yank the Fankies. Yeah. Can't figure what's out musically. Yesterday I found out that I can't like Seal. That it's uncool. It's not uncool. Because he had lupus? No! And hang on a minute. Let's be clear. Let's be clear. Hang on. It isn't that I can't like Seal because I don't quote unquote. I don't. necessarily own any of his albums, but I have one of his songs. I like the song Crazy. I love that song. Yeah, everybody likes that song. I think it's a cool song. It's a great song. So maybe we do like Seal. And I think he sings cool on it. There's one song, Kiss from a Rose. I don't like that. It's terrible. I think it's dumb, and I don't like that song. But I really don't know anything other than Kiss from a Rose and Crazy. But I know that on the song Crazy, I like the way his voice sounds. That's a good song. I like that song. That's a really good song, actually. I need to download that. But yeah, Boston.

26:04Put it on there real sweetly for all those Sucks fans out there that'll be watching the playoffs on TV. I mean, I guess I'll be watching the playoffs on TV, but I'll actually be watching my team in the playoffs on TV. Do you think that they'll go far? No, I don't, actually. My pick to win it all is the Phillies with their pitching staff. Dude, and their bats. Aren't the Phillies National League, though? Yeah, they're National League. I think they're going to win it all. They've got the best record in baseball right now. Who's going to be in the World Series? Probably the Rays. Probably the Rays and the Phillies. Oh, wow. And Phillies take it in probably six. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's honest. Six, you think? Yeah, probably six. Yeah. Word of the day, infestation. So when you hear us say that, when you hear me say it, I'll work it into a sentence sweetly. And then when I do, between now and 10, Call or nine. We'll win a four-pack of tickets to Wild Animal Park. It'd be great. Craig Gass will be in here, seven-hour. Incorporator at 7.30. Wow. The Des Bryant thing, we're going to fill you in on that in just a second. And Woods on Sports, he had to pay for a dinner on Monday night, and it was in the five figures. Yeah, he did. Did he do it? So there was a guy that was shooting at the University of Texas yesterday in Austin. Yeah.

27:18His name is Colton Tooley. He was a sophomore at the university, so he was a student at that university. Somehow came in possession of an AK-47, walked into the library at about 810, and started blasting. Didn't shoot anybody. Ended up killing himself. He was a math major, I guess. I mean, not a lot is known about this cat right now, but just... petrifying I mean in UT you know Charles Whitman climbed up into the tower and started shooting people you know back in the 70s and that's pretty crazy yeah you know lightning striking twice like that but luckily you know nobody was hurt other than this you know really really disturbed gentleman and actually it was in the 60s when Charles Whitman did that That's a sad story. It really is, man. It really is. You know, they were looking yesterday to, they were looking for a possible second suspect as well, but now don't believe that there is one. Not to get us too far off on this topic, but I'm one of these guys that doesn't believe in banning different weapons. Right. And I don't because, you know, I grew up with them. Yeah. And my brother.

28:32As an AK-47. Wow. Well, he's got a lot of different weapons. What do you need an AK-47 for? It's like this. It's the same argument as my cousin has a pit bull. What do you need one of those for? You know those dogs are vicious, don't you? You know that... Okay. It's a little different. This is the reason that I draw the comparison. It isn't the gun. that is crazy. Right, it's a person. It's the person that's crazy. And when you say, why do you need one of those? Man, you could say that about anything that we collect. It's true. Now, anything, you could say that about a knife collector. You could say somebody really loves, you know, and enjoys getting knives and, you know, that's their thing. Does your brother collect, he collects guns? Yeah. He's a gun collector. Yeah. And he loves them. And, I mean, he loves to shoot them and I love to shoot them.

29:31Yeah, it's fun. I shoot guns. And we'll go out, and we'll go into his collection, and he'll go, what do you want to shoot? I go, I want to shoot the AK. Of course. And what do you shoot at, a target? Yeah, you go out in the desert, and there's a billion targets already set up out there, buckets and cans and stuff like that, and maybe you buy a watermelon on the way out there. You just blow stuff up. Propane tank? Empty propane tank. Oh, full propane tank. Oh, wow. But, you know, I mean, that's the deal. I mean, and what happens is that when a story like this comes out, people that are not gun collectors, which there's a lot of people that are not gun collectors, they hear the words AK-47 and the first thing they associate it with is these stories because that's the only time you hear about them. But a gun collector and a person that enjoys collecting guns and shooting guns, there are hundreds of thousands of them that don't shoot up. Now, I said this to my brother one time. I said, you know, if we got rid of those weapons, though, wouldn't it have saved such and such life? And my brother made a point that I think was pretty good, and that is that a lot of the crimes that are committed, well, most of the crimes that are committed with those weapons, they weren't bought the legal way. And so even if there was a law that banned them,

30:59They're still there. Yeah. And they'd still be obtained through the same illegal ways that they're obtained now. Until you stop making them. Yeah. And wipe them all out. Supply and demand. You know, it's like this. If you stopped selling them, it isn't like crazy people would go, darn it. Damn it. Well, it'd be a lot less accessible. Guns are very immediate. It's true. Very destructive. So, well, you can't just walk into a gun store and buy a gun. You know, you cannot do that. Right. You know, when I bought my pistol, I had to wait. I had to go through a waiting period. I had to be fingerprinted. I had to go through a background check. You know, I couldn't just walk in there and buy it. You know my problem with pistols. They're just too easy. Concealed. You can put them in your waistband. I mean, I think pistols, there's really not that many uses for pistols. Rifles, I totally am all in on them. Protection. For self, you know. Hey, you can't have a rifle and protect yourself? Security. You know, it's for security. I think police should be the only one that have, police should have the pistols. Everybody else can have rifles. What's the difference between a pistol and a rifle? Rifles like long. Rifles like a shotgun? Like a rifle or a shotgun. It's like if I was going to walk in to your place of business or into the building.

32:07If I walk in with a rifle, you're going to know there's problems immediately. Yeah, but I got a handgun under the counter, so I'm going to get you. Yeah, rifle LOB is anything you're not holding just with your hand. That's a pistol. Well, isn't the point of that then because it's a lot easier to handle? Yeah. A lot easier to shoot? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. And I feel the same way that Jay does except the opposite way because my feeling is if there's an intruder, it's now. The exception, I would say, Jay, is a shotgun. Because nothing stops someone in their tracks like the sound of a shotgun racking. A shotgun racking means business is about to happen. The thing about handguns, I have two handguns and they're right next to my bed. If I roll over, if somebody's jimmying my door, I roll over, I grab my handgun. You know, it's church. See you later, pal. And if I got to get a shotgun, I got to run to the closet. I got to get it out of the bag. I got to take it out. I mean, it's definitely a lot handier. And that's Jay's point is these things are, you know, Skinner said it in their song. These things are made for killing. You know, these handguns. I mean, that's what they're used for. If you want to stop somebody, use a handgun. Yeah. Well, if you want to stop somebody, use a shotgun. But it's more convenient.

33:31But I'm not going to miss. The prowler knows you're not going to miss. Oh, yeah, you're not missing anything. With a shotgun? With a shotgun. Everything in the hallway gets it. You pretty much have to put it over your bed in order to be able to get it, grab it, and go. Oh, wow. I'm sure my missus would love a shotgun mounted above our bed. Yeah, why don't you put it on elk antlers? Yeah, absolutely. She would love that. Gun rack? Scared to death. Mount some antlers. Falls down, clanks me. Oh, my goodness. Kid spitting in a bottle with his gun rack above his bed. That'd be great. M1 Joe from National City. Yeah, hey, what's up, Mike? How you doing today? Good, man. What's up? Good. I was letting you guys know on the rifle, the reason why they have handguns is because when you use a rifle for home protection, the bullet keeps going through the walls into your neighbor's walls. Yeah, that's the other thing. It's a high-velocity weapon, which means that it keeps going. He's right. Right, right. So if you live in an apartment, you could just take out somebody? Yeah. Yikes. Yeah. Maybe no more guns. Oh, boy. Do we have time for that discussion? Peace, love, dope. Lauren went to...

34:39Trader Joe's yesterday. Uh-huh. And it was jam-packed in the place, right? Yeah. Which is weird. 1230 on a Tuesday. What is up? What is up? I don't know. I guess people are off for their lunch break and they're like, hey. Go do some shopping. Yeah. But anyway, she's saying, you know, maybe people mind their carts and don't leave them in the middle of the aisle when they go check out cheese. Yeah. Come on. There's nowhere to walk in there as it is. Just follow the basic highway procedures. Stay on the right side of the lane. If there's people coming at you, you get to the right, they get to the right. Let's pass by each other in a civil way. I have an interesting take on this, L.O.B. I am totally in your camp. And when I see the people that leave their cart in the middle of the aisle and then go get cheese. I'm instantly frustrated and irritated. Sometimes I tuck mine behind the basil and I'll be like, okay, it's out of the way. Now I'm going to go do my business. What did you just say? Tuck mine behind the basil? You know, like a random spot that's not like a high traffic area. But I'm with you. I'm with you. I see it. I'm frustrated. I'm irritated and I can't stand it. And then I do it. And then I do it and I'm like, oh.

35:57And I'll realize, and somebody will go, excuse me, and I go, I'm an idiot. Do you ever move people's carts? Because I do. I'll just move it. I'll just go, God bless, and I move it. Well, if you, there's one thing. When you have to say, excuse me, excuse me, the person finally goes, oh gosh, I'm sorry. You're like, okay, no harm, no foul, let's move on. The person that turns around, looks at you slowly, and then either still doesn't move out of the way or goes, and inches their cart over like a centimeter, I'm like, I'm going to slit your throat. I'm going to stab you. I'm going to go take that potato peeler from aisle seven, and I'm going to slit your throat. You guys should try being mean, man. Oh, I know. Yeah, I'll tell you what I do. You wouldn't even fit in Trader Joe. I ain't going to eat nothing from Trader Joe. You'd eat Trader Joe himself. Yeah, I ate Trader Joe one time. But this is a bar.

36:57My name is LeVar. Yeah, LeVar. It's our buddy. Anyway, I do the order at home. I have the home delivery. Yeah. That's a good way to go. I can't get out of the house, but I just order at home, and they bring the stuff right to the door. That's nice. That's good. That is real nice. It's great. So I was thinking, L.O.B., maybe you and I have a date this way. Come over to the house and we have a date. Just order it from Albertsons. Maybe you make the food run over this week. Maybe you bring the food over to LaVar. She can't drive an 18-wheeler. That's true. Why don't you come over? Where is the silver lining in that for me? I got to go pick up the food. But I'd rather do the order outfit. Okay. You got to see the big picture, girl. She's seeing the big picture. She's looking at you. I'm seeing the big old picture. I just want you to imagine. You come over the house. You walk in. I got candles everywhere. Oh, nice. That I have ordered from Bed Bath & Beyond. Nice touch. Smells like vanilla. Nice. And then you walk into my bedroom where I'm located. I can't get out of bed.

38:23But in Chinese and Italian. Oh, that's an interesting comment. But I always do. And then we make out. And we have some food. Princess Leia and Jabba the Hutt. Exactly. Hanging out in the love sack. It's very, very similar. We make mad passions we love. Ooh, that's going a little far. Or maybe not the first big girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything like that. But maybe we have some sweet and sour sesame chicken. Ooh, that's actually my favorite. That's right. And the King Arthur Supreme. We have all both to make out. What do you say next weekend? Let's start with the food and take it from there. Let's start with the making out and then take it from there. Hey, half the battle's done. She's already said yes. I did. This would be the first girl ever that I get to kiss. Really? Oh, no. You don't know what you're doing? Did you used to kiss dudes? No, I didn't used to kiss dudes, man. I ain't like that. I'm going to make the plans, so this weekend you can always be nice. Okay, we'll play it by ear. Very sweet. He likes him some L.O.B. He does. He's a sweet man. He's a big, big boy. Yeah, a big teddy bear. That's right. Hey, Jay. Yes, sir. Your son, how old is Finn? Finn is...

39:5618. He's doing P90X. Oh, no way. He doesn't need it. He wants to bulk up. He's all about the muscle. He's doing the shakes. He's all in. He's been doing it for about two weeks now. He's strong. He's tall. Is he sticking with it and he's actually doing it every single day? Every day. What's that like? I hurt my shoulder. Leave me alone. P7X. I did it for about two weeks. You did it two weeks? Yeah. That was terrible. And then your shoulder got hurt. It hurt my shoulder. Were you doing shakes with it as well? Yeah, I did a protein shake every morning, and then I did the post-workout shake as well. I hate that blender. That's delicious. Our blender at our house is like a fire alarm going off. Oh, boy. What's Kathy call out adding up over there? Nuh-uh. LLB.

40:55I was seeing if, because my 30th birthday is on December 2nd. Yeah. So I was like, maybe I should do P90X before my birthday and just look like slamming on my birthday. But that's. Would you do it? It's like 60 days away. Yeah, of course. You would? It's the worst. What's that? It's the worst. Maybe I should do. You know she could do it. Yeah, she could do it. I could do P60X. Yeah, do that. Maybe I should. P4X. Just look phenomenal. Yeah, but you know what you don't want? You don't want to get too ripped as a chick, man. So maybe that's why the 60 would be good. Yeah. It's a tough... I mean, not that you couldn't do it. You couldn't do it in a heartbeat. My wife killed it. My wife is so much more in shape than I am. Killed it. She's like, I really want to get back to doing it, but I can't if you don't. And I'm like, just do it, please. I don't want to do it. 570-1949. Hey, we got to find out what's going on with the... President Carter. President Carter went to the hospital. He's old. I didn't know he was still alive. Yeah. That's probably what's going on with him. Yeah. He's old? Yeah. He was the president when I was born. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I know he's old. He had to go to the hospital. Something happened. He's okay now. 570-1949 is our phone number. And you can give us a call. Let's do a little bit of this. Come on now. There we go. Let's do a little Woods on Sports and find out.

42:15All about Des Bryant's dinner. Yeah, Woods on Sports brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Los Padres. Oh, yeah. So they lost again. Fabulous. Que paso? Que paso? No offense whatsoever, man. These guys are, they're not out of it, obviously. When you play three games against the Giants this weekend, they're two behind the Giants right now, okay? Still, they keep losing. The only good news, Colorado Rockies were eliminated from contention. So they're out. So it's a two-man race in the West. It's the Giants. It's the Padres. During three straight losses, the Padres have scored four runs on 14 hits in three games. How far back are they from the wild card? They are one and a half games behind Atlanta in the wild card. So here's the deal. Win the West.

43:19You got three games against the Giants this weekend. Now's the time. I keep Evan saying that all year. And everybody's going to go out this week against the Cubbies, right? Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Tonight, tomorrow, come on. Oh, boy. I'm telling you, man. If ever there was a time to go to a Padre game. Now is it. This is it, man. It fires them up when there's a lot of people. Last two games at home this year, you're two games back of the Giants. You can't worry about what they're doing. You've got to win your ballgames. You have to win your ballgames. You have to win your ballgames. Here's their manager, Buddy Black, cut one. Here's the deal. Sounds a little irritated. You know, we've got to play good baseball. You know, we've got to get the bats going. We have to score some runs. That sounds like a good idea. Hopefully we break out tomorrow and this will get contagious through the lineup. You know, last night we were shut out. Tonight we scored two runs on one swing. Yep. Latos was not – I mean, he was okay. Lost his fourth in a row, though. He's the guy scheduled to pitch the last game. What's up with Matt Latos? I don't know, man. I don't know. He's a young kid, so maybe he's been a little overworked. These kids, man, when they're 22, 23 years old, you know, you limit their – you want to try to limit their innings, but they're in a –

44:27They're an independent race, man. They got to use him. He's their ace. So he may be getting a little run down. He may be getting a little run down. And we talked about it yesterday. If you go to the games, it fires the players up. Yeah. If they see a sold-out crowd, it's a whole different ballgame. Now, I tell you to go to the game. I'm not going to go because I just tell people to go. Do as I say, not as I do. Right. And I really... feel filthy about doing that. What am I supposed to say? You have an excuse. If I have an excuse, I feel better. Also, two other teams clenched last night. The New York Yankees are back in the playoffs again. Weird. The Tampa Bay Rays are in the playoffs as well. I'll tell you what. Woods predicts the Rays will beat the Yankees. Now it's in the AL. It's the Rangers in the West. It's the Twins in the Central. Dynamite teams. Just so fun to watch. The Rays and the Yankees are battling it out for the East title and the wild card. So here's David Price, who is in, you know, he's in contention for the Cy Young. He's the Tampa Bay Rays ace. Cut to. That was definitely the biggest game I've ever pitched in, I feel like. I mean, I feel like I need to come out. Throw out for our team. Throw out for our fans. Throw out for the city of St. Pete. You can't see it?

45:45But they're in a big jumpy tent. Yes. Drinking beer. Yeah, and they actually take solace in this, Padres fans. Their fans are actually worse than Padres fans. They get nobody at their games. Nobody. They're giving away 20,000 tickets to the last game. Giving away 20,000 tickets. Padres should. Yeah, actually they should. Well, we told you a little bit about it. It's finally come out that Dez Bryant. decided, you know what, I'm going to take the offense to dinner. And Roy Williams, whose pads he refused to carry, said, you know what, man, why don't you take the defense to? Let's all go. We'll all go to Pappas Brothers Steakhouse, which is this amazing steakhouse in Dallas. It is so good. So he brings the offensive players out. Roy Williams actually invited the defensive players. They sit down. Everybody drinks, eats, feasts. Bill comes, $54,896, and they slide the tab to Des Bryant. Oh, wow. Did he pay it? He paid it. He paid it. That is sickening. His agent or his advisor said, well, they got the young fella. What could he say? He had to pay it unless he wanted to wash dishes for a month. Oh, wow. Check this out. One night of dinner. Check this out. Dane. Players.

47:00ordered basically everything on the menu, and even took home bottles of wine. Oh, my gosh. Clowns. Let me tell you. I think I've told this story before, but Pamplemousse, my favorite restaurant in town. If you've never been to Pamplemousse, you've got to go to Pamplemousse. It's just incredible food. It's Salon Beach. It's a special occasion place because it's a high-end joint. But it feels like a regular place. It doesn't have a stuffy feel to it. And the food is like burgers that they just make incredibly great and, you know, fries and stuff. It's great food. I just love it. Anyway, Charger players love Pamplemousse. And Merriman's rookie year, they take the whole team to Pamplemousse. And the bill is $60,000. And they give the bill. To Merriman. The bonus baby. Yeah. And he was not stoked. He was not stoked. Same bit. Just bottles and bottles and bottles and food and bottles and apps and desserts and drinks and cocktails and everything. And he said, Merriman said, I won't do it. To a rookie.

48:27When the rookies come in, I won't do it to them. Oh, yeah, he won't do it to them. That's nice. He picked up the tab and said, I won't do it. He paid for it, but he was mad. And in the future, he won't do it to other rookie players because he remembers how ticked he was. Oh, yeah. So do you think the server makes like no less than six grand on that? Didn't we ask? Didn't we ask? I think we asked. And, you know, Ella B., you were a waitress. I'm sorry, you were a server. What do they do? Automatic 15% on parties of eight or more? Usually 18. Okay, so imagine 50 dudes coming in there. You know, you're going to make your money. That's the thing. You probably have multiple servers with that many people. You don't have one, dude. That's what he said, that there's multiple servers, and then they have tip share with everybody in the restaurant. Yeah, and you tip out the expediters, the kitchen. Those guys made some coins. But how about a restaurant owner making that kind of bank? Well, I mean, you've got to understand that those servers, if they tip 20%, split $12,000. Yeah. $12,000. You're walking away.

49:36Having a good night. Yeah, you had a real good night. And then finally, the San Diego Chargers say that linebacker Larry English has had foot surgery. He's going to miss four to six weeks, which is a bummer. Yeah, he's a good player. Next game is Sunday, 115 at Qualcomm against, and I just looked, and I just looked. Arizona Cardinals. Yeah, we were wrong about that when we said a couple weeks ago. Yeah, we were. Jenny McCarthy. Imagine that. was talking about her breakup with Jim Carrey, and we have audio, pretty crazy details, and said she knew that their relationship wasn't going to last, and she said why. She knew it. And also got asked, would you, you know, at least kind of consider the thought of maybe one day working it out with him and getting back together, and she answers that, too. That's next. Can you help me put this couch in my van? I'm having trouble putting this couch in my van. Broken arm? Oh, Frederica Bremel? Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Was she like a great big fat person? That's amazing. Every time I hear this song, every single time I think of Creepy Jame Gum. Yeah. Doing his Creepy Jame Gum dance. Oh, wait. Back real good. Oh, yeah.

51:41There he is. Here he is. Greg Gas is in the studio. So good to have you, buddy. I'm glad to be here, man. Yeah, dude. Pull this up. Pull this microphone up. Are we on the air right now? We're on now. Oh, wow. Hey. You got an effect on your voice there. Yeah, that's better. That's better. There we go. Is that better? There we go. Can we give me an echo effect? Yeah, I can give you. Can I do the show from a cave? Yeah. How's that? Oh, there it is. Hey, everybody. This is Tracy Morgan. And I'm Deep in a Cave with Osama bin Laden. We're broadcasting live with my main man. He's trying to start a new game. The Deep in the Cave Crips. The Deep in the Cave Crips. The Deep in the Cave Crips. You got the Backyard Crips. The Round the Way Crips.

52:47Deep in the cave, Crips. Holy cow. Tracy, where does comedy come from? Family court. I spent four or five days in family court. I've been in family court every day. I'm getting tired of it. It comes from the heart. Tracy, you don't have to live in a cave. Why do you choose to? Because comedy comes from the heart. Is that why? That's right. And you've got to have heart to live in a cave. I've got to live in this cave. People want to hear a real experience. Nothing's more real than being with this crazy man in the cave. Listen, I'm going to invite you out of the cave, let you come out into the light, and now you're outside of the cave. Man, it is bright out. I know, isn't it? It's bright out here. That's great. Man, I'm ready to live my life now. I'm in the sunshine. Now I know what Michael Jackson meant when he said mama say, mama say, mama Michael say. Mama say, mama say, mama say. You get it just by being outside. It's pretty awesome. Wow, it's amazing. I still don't know what it means. That's crazy. How's the Kung Fu kick coming? The Kung Fu is the Bruce Lee kick. That's the Bruce Lee kick. The Bruce Lee kick. You got a six foot kick it. What does that mean? I have no idea. Someone said to me, you got a six foot kick your way through life. And I said, I'm going to take that on as my motto.

54:04Motto. Holy cow. That's genius. It's genius. I spent a lot of time in Hugh Hefner's grotto. I bet. And that was where I found my motto. Tracy Morgan is with us this morning. Actually, we have a star-studded... Star-studded... Unbelievable. Look at this. Tom Arnold is actually really sweet. Yeah, I'm glad you let me come in here, Mike. And I'm excited because we're going to be doing something that's never been done before. What's that? Well, I'm actually going to put out a funny movie. And that's number one. And number two, something crazy is going on this weekend. You know, there's a big comedy show going on in 4th and B. And I am going to do the biggest sponsorship drive in the world where I'm going to sponsor. If you've got a problem with drugs or alcohol and you want to get some help, I'm your guy. And I want to prove that. I want to take on as many people as I can. And I want to get you clean and sober. How are you going to do that, though, Todd?

55:09I have no idea, but I'm just trying to get as much attention for myself as possible. Well, listen, Tom, what you have to remember is that I am a guy that is a recovering alcoholic. You have to be careful what you say about certain stuff. Some stuff is more privy than others, and you know what I'm talking about, Tom. So just be careful. That's all I'm telling you. Yeah, I know that that's one of the things. You've got to keep the program off the airway. You can't talk about the program, Tom. It's about anonymity, and I respect it. It's like fight club. You don't want to talk about it. But see, he just did. That's part of the problem. No, no, no. I mean, I was just saying that, I mean, I get that whole thing, and, you know, I keep my thing to myself. It's like, you know, I was at a meeting with Luke Perry a couple days ago. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no. You're not supposed to say who was at a meeting. Well, we were talking, and I was telling him, you know, because we wanted to help. It's anonymous. I got you.

56:36Got it. Thank you. I gotcha. Tom Arnold is with us. Tracy Morgan is with us. What's up, white people? And you know what the cool thing is, too, is that both guys are promoting Craig Gass' show this weekend. Yeah, we're going to be there. I'm going to be sponsoring people inside 4th and B. It's 4thandbenevents.com. Great comedy show with Craig Gass. You know, he's on Family Guy now, and he's doing voices on American Dad and the Cleveland Show. But I'm going to be sponsoring people out there. And that's my goal is trying to get as many people help as Pablo. How about this? The cool fact about Craig Gass. Craig Gass was featured on a roast for Gene Simmons and did a roast for Gene Simmons on Comedy Central. Yeah, you know, I was talking to Gene because he's addicted to hair transplant. No, he's not. I know it sounds crazy, but I was like, Gene, you know, one step at a time, buddy, I was talking to my higher power, which is meatloaf, and I'm not even sure if I got that right, but meatloaf's my higher power, and I was talking to him, and he said, Tom, you know, you got to talk to Gene and tell him, because, you know, we just, you know, we tried to help as many people as we can, and, you know, we did the same thing with, believe it or not, Todd Bridges was addicted to... No, you don't want to say their name.

57:57and then give what they're addicted to. You don't want to say that. I got you. But, you know, I've been working my program. I met a real nice guy at a meeting in Lohan named Jeff Pratt. No, you didn't. No, don't say a person's name. And he manages the Target up there. No, no. You know where he works. Jeff Pratt, you know, apparently he relapsed right at work and he just started freebasing right at the loading dock at work. And I said, Jeff Pratt, first thing you need to do is be anonymous. Yeah, too much info. Because now people know his name. name uh Craig Gass yeah good luck Jeff Craig Gass in the studio with us he is uh listen dude it's been like over a couple years yeah right a couple years yep it's been so long and uh Craig and I have known each other forever and I told the story yesterday about how we met when you walked in the studio and you're like hey I'm a comedian my name's Craig Gass uh you know I'm gonna be doing a show would you have any interest in interviewing me which I said under any circumstance, I would have said, I don't know, you know, that kind of deal I would have tried to politely say no, but instantly went, yeah, come on in. He was so disarming. You were so disarming because you were just honest and, you know, real normal. Came in, killed it. We hit it off immediately. Talked for about an hour after the show. About some intense stuff. Yeah. And, yeah. And then just got, you know, kind of developed a friendship from there.

59:23And we've known each other forever. So check this out. So last night we're having dinner. And I was saying, by the way, anything that we have on the sheet here that we're supposed to be doing, we will do. But... I want to play it a little bit by ear today because Craig's in here, and I'm just, you know, I want to have some fun. Let's have some fun. Plus, I wanted to find out why Mark and Brian aren't going to the meetings. No, you don't want to say their names. Oh, I'm sorry. Remember that? Not the names. Not the names. Mark W. and Brian W. No, no, yeah, they're much better. Much better. So I was telling a story about how you, when you very first came up with this, because we were talking about how every once in a while my son Luke. who's only a year old, will call into the show. And Craig has actually done something similar. He did it on the Stern Show. And he told us this fascinating story. One of the things great about Craig, Craig's got a million cool stories about just life and where he's been and the stuff that he's done. And he was telling us about when he first did this voice and pitching the idea and the idea coming to fruition on the Stern Show. And I was going to start telling him, I'm like, I don't want to tell it because it's not,

1:00:35as good as when Craig tells this story. Well, the idea was kind of a, it was such an immature idea. Like, it looked like a second grader wrote the idea. Because there was lines in there, and I'll explain why in a second. But I was auditioning to get the job to be Howard Stern's sidekick. It was supposed to be like a two-day kind of, let's see if you got any chemistry. And it turned into two days a week, every week for like eight or nine months. And that's where it really started my career. But one of the things I had an idea for is I started doing more and more voices on the show. I've always been able to do voices because of how I grew up. I grew up in a family that is completely deaf. Which is crazy. The whole family? Everyone in my family. Wow. Which sounds like a joke, but it's not a joke. It's a true story. My mom, my dad, and my sister are all completely deaf. Wow. So growing up in that family, I couldn't learn how to talk from my own family. I learned how to talk by copying all the voices I heard in TV. Wow. That's unbelievable. And I never got an accent from the Bronx, which is where I grew up. Yeah. We were talking about growing up near Yankee Stadium when I was a kid. And everyone in the Bronx...

1:01:41Has a really thick like Tracy Morgan everybody in the Bronx talk like So yeah, so I never I had freedom to talk any way I wanted to talk right and So I was always able to do the weirder the voice, the easier it is to do the voice. And there was, I had this idea, like Al Pacino just had twins. And I said, wouldn't it be funny if one of the twins, one of the babies called up the show and did an interview? And it was such a dumb idea. And the only, I pitched it to Gary Delabate, who's the producer of the show. And I said, hey, Gary, I got this idea. And Gary said, you know, I don't even know if he's going to like it. Oh my gosh. Okay, I got you. I got you. Okay, so listen. Okay, so here's the deal

1:02:41So we gave it to Howard. Howard loved it. And so the next day we went on the air and we did an interview and he said, you know, I don't know if you're aware of this, but Al Pacino just had twins with Beverly D'Angelo and we have one of the babies on the phone. And are you there? Al Pacino's baby. Yeah, hi. Wow, so, man, I got so many questions. I mean, you're the son of a very famous, famous and amazing actor. I love your father, and I think he's just an amazing, just a talented human being. And what is it like being Al Pacino's baby? Like, what do you like to do for fun? Right. What do I like to do? I like to pee. You like to pee? I love to pee. I like to eat. I like to drink. I like to pee. My mom, Beverly Angela, whenever she changes my diapers, I give her a quick squirt. It was the dumbest idea. Oh, my gosh. And then the line that made it sound like a third-grader wrote it was, my favorite thing, I like to get big handfuls of cock-a-doodie poop.

1:04:09I just throw it around. I love cock-a-doodie poop. Oh, my gosh. He does. I'm telling you. He did that. Do you remember doing that for my folks, by the way? You had dinner with us. It was the night I made the spaghetti, which you'll probably never forget. I heard about this story. But my mom and dad were over there, and Craig did a scene from this inspirational scene that Pacino gave. Oh, yeah. I don't remember what movie. It's an amazing scene. I think it's the greatest speech he's ever given. It's a movie called City Hall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't remember the whole speech, but the pieces of it are so... And I don't know if it translated. When I explain to people, he's the mayor of New York City. And there's a point in the movie where a white cop, or maybe a couple white cops, ended up accidentally shooting. a young black child. Right. And there's racial tension throughout the city. And Al Pacino, as the mayor of New York, wants to attend the funeral of the child. Right. And he's been warned, if you go into this funeral, there's going to be major problems if you go into the funeral. And if you try to get close to that casket, there's going to be a race war in New York City.

1:05:32People from the church said, we're going to start a race war in New York City. Al Pacino shows up anyway, and then somebody says, ladies and gentlemen, the honorable mayor, blah, blah, blah. Can I give you inspirational music, even though it isn't from the movie? It's going to be odd because it's the only inspirational music I have. It's from Braveheart. That's all I have, though. That's all I have. Let's see. Hang on. Here we go. And they say, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the honorable mayor. Al Pacino. And Al Pacino walks up the casket and you can feel the tension in the room. And he walks up and stares out into the audience and says, Well, we were a great city once. When I was a child, this city was a palace. It was a palace! Can it not be as... We look down at this slain little angel. This city used to have children playing, couples congregating throughout the city in this great palace. Well, we can be great again, can we not? Can we not? I ask you, can we not be great again?

1:07:19Can we rise up on the wings of that fallen angel? And he builds up into this. How great is that? He builds up into this crescendo where he has everyone going, amen, amen. And he goes, until one day, this city, your city, my city, our city can be. Great or good. Holy cow. Holy cow. Dude, he did that. This was my parents. Jaws open at the dinner table. Eyes as wide as saucers. Both hands on the table. My dad, who shows no emotion. My dad, who shows no emotion. My dad's jaw is dropped open. Craig's standing up in our kitchen giving this speech. And you can hear a pin drop. And my dad is like.

1:08:14That's incredible. It was like Al Pacino. You don't know whether to laugh or cry. Well, I used to do these. Amazing. I used to give that speech. I'd go in the comedy store in La Jolla on a Wednesday night when it's dead in there. There's only four people. And they go, please welcome Craig Gass. And nobody would care. And I get up on stage and I go, this club used to be our pal. I love it. It was a palace. And then, you know, just kind of repurpose. Oh, for sure. It's like, you know, Jill, my girlfriend, she would always, whenever she cries at movies, I always try to remember those scenes. And, like, we saw an amazing movie with Adam Sandler about September 11th. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where Don Cheadle plays his friend who, and Adam Sandler goes, he's just, he's so. psychologically damaged from September 11th that he can't even, he has incredibly poor communication skills. He just, he doesn't talk. He just, he's completely shut down. And so Don Cheadle keeps pushing and pushing to try to get him to talk and come out of his shell because he's in such a deep depression. And then finally, like an hour and a half into the movie, Adam Sandler tells, like, he just finally tells him to like back off. And by telling him to back off, he goes,

1:09:30He goes, you know what happened? I was in there. I was in the taxi on September 11th. And I heard about the first plane. My wife was on that plane with my two kids. Oh, my gosh. And then I went to JFK. And I saw it. And then I felt it. I felt it. Oh, my God. And then Jill started crying. For the next, like, two months, she'd be like, do you want to get some pizza? I go, I saw that pizza. Oh, great. And then I felt it. I felt it. Do you understand? I felt it. That is the best. When he does these voices, he transforms facial expressions. I never think about the voice. I always think about the person. Like Tracy Morgan looks like three and goes, yeah, I'm going to put a baby in you. I'm going to put a baby in you. You hot and sexy. I'm going to get you pregnant right now. Give me a shoehorn and some other spray. I don't care. When we get back.

1:10:31Craig's with us for the rest of the show. He'll be back here on Friday, too. That's right, white people. That's right. Going to be at 4th and B this Saturday. 4thandbeevents.com. Now, Craig knows that this is my bit. It's an adult show. You must know, it's an adult show. It's for adults. It's not for the kids and is even a little harsher than my sensibilities. But Woodsy can't wait. I can't wait. I'll be honest, it ain't even for the adults. We're basically dealing with a celebrity infestation this morning with what we have going on here. That's right, white people. That's right. That's Tracy Morgan. We're also going to be joined by Christopher Walken. Yep. And that'll be good. We want to thank Christopher Walken for getting up at this time. I mean, it's 7.38 in the morning. Thanks. It's very cool of you. It's great to be here. You don't usually get up at this time, do you? No.

1:11:46I mean, this has got to be weird. Do you have breakfast? Do you do breakfast or do you wait till lunch? I love sausage. So do I. You love sausage. I love sausage. Okay. All right. And do you have that for breakfast on the regular? I like to cook. Yeah. You know, a lot of people peg me for being a great actor, but I got other skills. I could dance. I like to cook. Yeah, you like to cook. Can I just chime in for one second? Yeah, I've got to turn your mic down, though. I'm sorry. Tom Arnold. I'm in a movie called The Stupids. It's available on DVD at Blockbuster. Eight years ago. Well, but Blockbuster's closing, so you've got to buy these things right now. But, you know, Chris, it's a true story. He's a great actor, but he's also, he cooks, he's an amazing chef. Is he? He really is. What's he ever cooked for you? He cooks chicken cacciatore. He does all kinds of Italian dishes. I was just talking about this with Rosie O'Donnell at an N.A. meeting last Friday. No, no, no. You don't want to tell people. I don't want to out anybody. But Rosie is addicted to... No, no, no. Don't say it. You don't want to say it. You don't want to say it. But anyways, but yeah, Emeril Lagasse, who I always see at my C.A. meeting. Oh, I'm sorry.

1:13:09You don't see him there. I'm sorry. You don't want to say that. But yeah, but Chris is a great chef. That's right. And it's good stuff. Ask him about his chicken cacciatore. Celebrity voice impersonated. Well, thank you so much, Tom. No, I said ask him about his chicken cacciatore. You got to ask Chris, Christopher Walken, about his chicken cacciatore. Chris, let me ask you. How is the chicken cacciatore? It's great. Yeah. You know what the key to making chicken cacciatore is? It's the chicken. It is? It's not the cacciatore? No. It's the chicken. You got to go into your barn and you got to find the right chicken. How do you pick the right chicken? You square off of the one who's giving you the most beef. And you take that chicken out and you stare him right in the eye and you say, it's time to say, Hello to your chicken maker. You say goodbye to your chicken nuggets. You're going to meet your chicken death. And you square off. Yeah. Square off. And you get a knife. Yeah. And you give the chicken a gun. And you say, one of us is going to die. Right. And you got to fight with that chicken. Sometimes these fights can take hours. Yeah. And when it's done, usually the chicken's pretty tender and it's delicious. Oh, my God.

1:14:34His chickens don't have any fingers, so they can't really pull the trigger or anything. That's why it's not a fair fight. No, it isn't. It isn't a fair fight. M1 Brooklyn from Normal Heights. You there? Yeah, what's going on? Hey, what was the word of the day? Infestation. That is correct. Infestation. I missed it. That's sexy. I said it was a celebrity infestation today. Oh, look at you. And look at that. You won a four-pack of tickets. To the Wild Animal Park. Hang on the line. You're going to the Wild Animal Park. I hope I see a seal. Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend Craig Gass is in the studio. That's right. He is going to be at 4th and B this weekend on Saturday night. I'm going to be standing out front. Yeah, Tracy, you go to every show. I go to every show he does. I'm not even inside the comedy show. I'm outside in a white van selling weed to people. Well, you are not. It's not true. I'm in a white van scalping tickets. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Don't you think that it's strange for, you're a celebrity in your own right, to be following a celebrity around? Isn't that kind of strange? I'm personal friends with Obi-Wan Kenobi. No, that's fictitious. I used to mess around with Yoda's cousin. I used to live on Dagobah.

1:15:46I used to live on Dagobah. I'm personal friends with Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're telling me that you actually know. Me and Obi-Wan is an OG. How did you meet him? I met Obi-Wan and Dagobah. And Dagobah. I used to go to community college in Dagobah. You went to Dagobah Community College. Personal friends. DCC. I heard of that. DCC. I could tell you stories about Princess Leia. Oh, no. I bet you could, though. I can tell you stories about Princess Leia. Was she like L.O.B.? She kind of liked black guys? No. I'll tell you Princess Leia likes to play with the other team on the force. Oh, wow. Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird. Yeah. So after you graduated from DCC, you got into comedy. Yeah, Daggerball Community College, and I used to perform for them all, Greedo and all them dudes in the comedy clubs and open mic. Yeah. It was terrible. I had to cut my teeth out there in Daggerball. It's a bad place to have to cut your teeth, dude. Bad place to have to do that. Until one time I messed around with the wrong girl. It was Darth Vader's niece. Oh, wow. I had to get out of that galaxy. Get myself into the Bronx. So you're saying that you went.

1:17:03from Dagobah Community College after dating... What was her name, by the way, Darth Vader's niece? What was her name? I just called her Little Peanut. That was my girl, Little Peanut. You called her Little Peanut. What's up, Little Peanut? If you listen out there, M3, M1, M2. She's in Dagobah. How could she possibly hear us? She might be listening to you on the internet. Yeah, I didn't think of that. But then Darth Vader found out about it, and you... You left the Dagobah system. Because I didn't know how to use the force. You were just learning at that point. I was always smoking weed. I was always out of control. So how were you going to learn? I couldn't learn the force. Right. I thought I learned the force at one moment, but I realized I was just really high. It was all in my head. I thought I had the whole thing figured out, but I had to leave because I ain't got no skills. Right. You got skills, Mikey. You get to the Bronx, though, and you realize, you know what? Maybe I do comedy. I developed a new skill. Yeah, and it was comedy. No. What was it? My skill, I got one skill. I like to open up a newspaper, and I get out of Sharpie, and I like to go to the comic section, and I draw ding-dongs on people. That's my skill. I draw ding-dongs on people. Yeah, but that's not really a very high-paying... That's my skill. You know that comic strip, Peanuts? Yeah. Linus, he got a blanket, right? Right. That blanket got a ding-dong on it.

1:18:27I'd like to see that. I'm going to be drawing ding-dongs on people all night and forth and be on Saturday. I draw ding-dongs on everybody. You know that family circus. Yeah. Jeffy, he got a ghost that follow him around called Not Me. Right. Well, Not Me's got a ding-dong on him. That's not me, and that's not my ding-dong. That's fantastic. All right, well, we're going to do some news. We've got Tracy Morgan here. And I'm in a movie. I'm sorry, I was in a movie called True Lies. You've got to turn your microphone down. You're so loud. Tom Arnold. I used to be married to a star, and I was in a movie called True Lies. It's available on DVD. True Lies. Well, that kind of predates this whole Chris Tucker, Charlie Chan thing you kids are into. Yes, that's right. Well, anyway, so Tom is joining us. Tracy's joining us a little bit later. And, you know, Craig will be back on Friday. And on Friday, Sam Kinison is coming in with him. That's right. There's going to be all kinds of people that will join us between now and Friday. Can I tell a joke? Yeah, go ahead, Christopher Walken. I got a great joke. And I'm hoping, if you like this joke, they'll let me on stage at 4th and B on Saturday night. And maybe Lauren can tell me, because she's a professional. She's a comedian. Tell me if you like this joke. I think it's a great joke. Okay. What's Brown?

1:19:45And sticky. I don't know. What is brown and sticky? Syrup. A stick. Pow. That's a great joke. That is Christopher Walken, ladies and gentlemen. His timing, his timing, his timing, his timing. It's not the best. It's still, you know. It's not the best. It's still L.O.B., you're a comedian. You want to give him any pointers? Maybe don't point out the punchline. Let people laugh at it first before you eat a pow. That's a great joke. Just want to drop that maybe. You let them react. I thought the pow was the best part of the joke. Let me try another one. L-O-B. Here's a great joke for you. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. Pow! Again with the pow. His pow is kind of like his own little rim shot. I'm sorry, am I coming in too strong? Well, your voice is loud. You know, Mikey, people tell me that all the time. They go, Tom, you come off too strong. You got to know when to back up. You just tell me, man. This is your show. No, it's fine. Don't you tell me when I'm going too far, when I take over. It's your thing. I just want to be a part of it. I just want to be part of the energy.

1:20:59I don't want to ruin your rhythm. No, I appreciate it. Because your rhythm is what you do, and then what I do is I just want to chime in. I'm just a guest. I'm just a guest. You're the host. Your show. Thank you. You just tell me, you know what? If you want me to stop, you just say, Tom, stop. I'll do that. Or tell me to just, hey, shut up, Tom. You know what else? Yeah. Okay, well, Tom, thank you. Hey, and you know what? If you need a story, I got some great stories about what it was like working on the set of Roseanne. And, you know, I've been clean and sober for over 18 years now. If you need any stories about that, I'll be able to chime in. Anything you want to promote? Yes, I'm glad you brought that up. The Stupids is available. You already said that, though. But it's at Blockbuster. You go to Blockbuster.com. I'll also be sponsoring people at 4th and B on Saturday night. If you need some help, go to the Comedy Show. show, Craig Gass, it's fourthandbeevents.com. Click on the cocaine anonymous button. There should be a button. I told him to put the cocaine anonymous. No, they're probably not going to do that. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're not. And they're supposed to have a picture of the singer of Rat on there. No, they're not. You don't want to say that. He runs a local chapter. I don't want to say that you saw him there because it's anonymous. You know what's crazy? If you're a fan of Scritti Politti, the whole band is there. No, no, you don't want to.

1:22:20Scritti, Politi, and Glass Tiger. Those guys are great, but cocaine just ruined everything for those guys. Too bad. Oh, my gosh. Okay, speaking of rock and roll. Just tell me when to stop. I will. Thank you, Tom. You can stop. You can stop. Speaking of rock, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has made their inductions. Is that the deal? Well, they have their nominations, and I'm going to read this list to you. There's a few glaring, well, there's a couple of glaring omissions, but there's some that you look at and you're like, Really? This is Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Ready? Beastie Boys. Yes. Give me an in-out. I'm going to give you guys the... Okay, so we have to say if they're in or if they're out. Beastie Boys are definitely in. Old school hip-hop. Beastie Boys in. Okay, I say in. Makes me feel old. I say out. I say out. They're hip-hop, I guess, more than rock and roll. Neil Diamond. In. In. I like them. He messed around with my mom more. Alice Cooper. In. You look like the devil to me. I would say in, but I don't know any of his music. He's iconic. I just know he's a legend. Yeah. All right, Bon Jovi. In. Not yet. In. In. Guy's still doing, like, kicksy music, you know? He's still, like, showing up on soap operas. Yeah. Donovan. Who's that? Out. Out. McNabb? Didn't he kill somebody? No, he didn't kill anybody. Is that the yellow submarine guy? No.

1:23:45I mean, not the yellow submarine. Mellow Yellow. Yes, that was Mellow Yellow. Just call out names, the song. Mellow Yellow. He's Sgt. Peppers. Yeah. Tom Waits. I say out. He did Rapids Delight, right? No, I say no. What? I say in. I say out. This ticket is terrible. LL Cool J. Out. No. Why do you mean no, Tracy Morgan? You don't like LL? He did a big body away. He became an actor. He sold out. Okay. You gotta be like Kumo D, somebody who didn't make any money. I think he's in. Oh, no way. Is it really rock and roll? It's not rock and roll. Dr. John. I don't know who that is. He's terrible. He's out. Out. Jay Giles Band. Oh, come on. I know. Angel in a centerfold. Whatever. Darlene Love, never heard of. Me either. Laura Nairo, never heard of. No. Donna Summer. Her to her, but I don't see that's rock and roll. Joe Tex. Nope. Chuck Willis. No. You know who's off the list? Chuck Willis used to do Love Connection, right? And he'd be back in two and two. Chuck Willis was in different strokes. I always pick the right one of the three the audience did. Me too. And then they would pay for the date as long as they agreed to it. So yeah, to go out again. Okay, so no kiss.

1:25:02For the 11th year in a row, KISS has been... You know who's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? ABBA. ABBA is in, and KISS is not in. Hello, can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. Who is that? Gene Simmons? Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you, Gene. Hi, guys. This is Gene Simmons. Hi, Gene. Hi, Gene. From KISS. I'm on an ISDN line. I don't know if you can hear me. I can. All of a sudden, I started hearing you come through my headphones. You know, we've got an ISDN line that we are available to every radio station in the world. Is that right? And whenever we hear about somebody talking about Kiss, I can chime in. I can hear you, yeah. It's like we're tuning you in right now. I can kind of get you through this line. Can you hear me? Yeah, you're broadcasting where? From your house? Is that the deal? Where are you located right now? That's Paul. That's Paul. Paul Stanley. That's the lead singer of Kiss. That's the lead singer of Kiss. That's right. Paul, say hello.

1:25:59Hey, guys, I was just making breakfast. Wow. Paul, it's great to have both of you on. You guys are, you're both on. Now, what do you think of this? You were not inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's kind of a snub job. You should have been. It doesn't matter because, you know, Kiss has always been about the fans. And it's always been because, you know, they call our fans the Kiss Army. They do. Now, the Kiss Army is the greatest army. In the world, because it's the only army that's of the people, for the people, and by the people. And everything we do, it's for our fans. It's not to make money. People think that we're doing it to make money, but it's not true. You do endorse quite a few products. Only because the fans ask for it. In all due respect, though, Gene, did the fans really ask you to put your name on Dr. Pepper? Cherry Dr. Pepper. Were they clamoring for you to do so? You know, the taste of Dr. Pepper is so amazing. No plug there. Gene, what about the kiss casket? Can I just say that Dr. Pepper has come out with a new light Dr. Pepper that you wouldn't even believe. I think that you're trying to push the product on us. I'm telling you, it's for the fans. I know, but it's not really for the fans if you're making money and you're trying to talk about it on the air. All I'm saying is we are right now in the middle of the greatest farewell tour.

1:27:26In the world. The 15th farewell tour. Yeah, Gene, I mean, it's kind of, listen, I want to believe that we should all go see this tour because it's really our last chance. But I saw your farewell tour in 2002. Right, but this is for the, listen. Mikey, if there's a kid in Escondido who's got $50 in his pocket and he wants to see me, I'm driving to his house and I'm lighting off a firecracker and I'm taking his $50. Wait a minute. Hang on a second. You're telling me that you're willing to do anything for $50 that you would drive to someone's house for $50? $50? You know you're going to get Gene really mad now. I don't want to get him mad at all. No, he's not going to get me mad. I'm not trying to get you mad. You're asking a legitimate question. A legitimate question. It's for the fans. Yeah. If the fans want to see a show, I want to put on a show for the fans. Okay. Too many bands stare at their feet and they don't put on a show. I want to make sure the fans get a show. And that's why the Farewell Tour is for the fans. The Farewell Tour, by the way, brought to you by American Airlines. See what I'm saying?

1:28:33You see what I'm saying? And it shows. And Budweiser, the king of beer. Okay, great. Clearly plugging shamelessly. It's for the fans, and our fans are asking for that. And if our fans want us to give it to them, we're going to give it to our fans. Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Gass is in the studio with us, along with a lot of very famous people. And one black dude. That's right. We'll be back. Talk to them all. Here, I'll start again. I'll give you one. Thank you, buddy. You're welcome. Kid works real hard on that. I know. I know. And I like this song. Oh, yeah. PJ. It's a good one. Love this song. Isn't that great? Eddie Vedder. I got a great story. Pearl Jam story? I got asked to... Craig Gass in the studio. Hey, I'm a comedian, everybody. And I got asked to open for Pearl Jam two summers ago. I did a tour. Or not Pearl Jam. Wait, I did a tour with Alice in Chains.

1:29:56And there was a set of circumstances where I met a lot of people. This woman, Susan Silver, who manages Alice in Chains. Used to be Soundgarden's manager. Cornell's wife. She was a big person on the nightclub scene with the music scene in Seattle in the late 80s, early 90s. And she was always promoting stuff. And all these bands were like, man, will you manage us? Because you're really good with this stuff. And you know how to get stuff marketed. And she decided only to help out three bands. She was going to help out. Her boyfriend's band, which was a band called Soundgarden. This kid who she felt like was her little brother, Jerry, had a band called Alice in Chains. And this other band that were her friends called Pearl Jam. Those are the only three bands she decided to manage. And they all just exploded on the scene. Well, last summer, I almost started going to Tom Arnold. And I saw her at a meeting. So last summer, Susan had a barbecue. And I went to her house for the barbecue. The week before, a buddy of mine who plays in the band Pearl Jam had just introduced me to a singer. And so I just met him the week before. And now I'm in Seattle and I'm at a barbecue. And there was one guy at the barbecue who was being a real jerk to me because someone told him, hey, this guy's a comedian. He goes, yeah.

1:31:15Are you funny? And I go, yeah, I think I'm hilarious. And he goes, yeah, you ever heard of a comedian named blah, blah, blah? And I go, yeah. You know what? I got a great story about him. He goes, no, no, no, I got a great story. Listen to this. And he started telling stories. And every time I would tell a story, he'd one-up me. He'd go, that's nothing. Watch this. And he just kept stuffing me at the party. And then sun starts to set, and everyone's starting to... take off. Right. And this jerk walks by me and he goes, all right, man, so I guess, so are you ever going to perform in Seattle? And I go, yeah, I'm actually doing a show at the Paramount Theater with Norm MacDonald. And he goes, I've got a great story about him. But, well, I might try to come out and see you. Hopefully you'll be funny. And I go, all right, thanks, man. And the front door swings open. And this guy just comes walking. He rode in on his bicycle. And this guy just walks right into the house. And he's got a baseball cap hung down low on his head. And he walks by and he looks at me and he goes, oh, hey, man. Good to see you. Ed. And I go, hey. And he walks by and I go, who the hell is that? And then I hear someone go, that's any better. Good God. And he walks in the house. And then the jerk that was standing next to me. Yeah.

1:32:25He turned one foot towards Eddie Vedder, and then I patted him on the shoulder, and I go, say, hey, man, take it easy, and have a good time, man. I'll see you later. And I started walking him towards the door. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, and that guy had to leave because he was already declaring to everybody, hey, I'm taking it. And everybody was gone, except for it was really just me and Susan and her kid. And now it's me and Susan and Eddie Vedder. Eddie Vedder rolls up on a bike? On a bicycle. He lives down the street from her. And I didn't know, like... They end up getting in a conversation by themselves, and then I realized I kind of didn't belong there, so I was like, hey, I'm going to take off. And Eddie goes, you know what? I'm taking off, too. And so we both start walking towards the door together, and I go, Eddie, can I ask you a question? You know I'm a stand-up comedian, right? Mike told you I'm a comedian. I know guys who do impressions of you. Does anybody ever do an impression of you that you go, like, wow, that really sounds like me? Or does it make you feel uncomfortable? And he goes, um. There's a few guys. Adam Sandler, he does a good impression of me. There's a lot of guys who do phenomenal impressions of me, and they've all sold millions of albums. Wow, that's awesome. Is your buddy Mike McCready? Mike McCready, yeah. He's the greatest guitar player living right now. Mike's a huge comedy fan, and he comes out and supports my shows. That's killer. He's so good. If I can get a plug-in for anything besides the comedy show this weekend, it's...

1:33:53Go to my Facebook page because every time I have an interesting experience, I am now, I got a million great stories, but I realize it's capturing these moments and sharing them with everybody. And they're crazy. And so I've been posting all the pictures on my Facebook page. I just linked it off of the Mikey Show page. So you can go there and click right on. Yeah, the show is on Saturday at 4th and B. It's 4thandbeevents.com. And the show is dirty, but I'm a good person. I love my mom. Yes, yes. But amazing stories like this, and I never told you this story. Hang on just a second. I want to hear the story, but I also want to have L.O.B. L.O.B.'s got a shout out to a buddy of hers that's leaving. What's up, baby? L.O.B., it's TM. How you doing? Maybe you can say hi to my friend Lauren. Hey, Lauren. She's heading back to New Jersey right now. Heading back to New Jersey with all them skanky girls. She's listening. She's listening. She's on her way back to live there. She's moving away after seven years in San Diego. She's leaving San Diego? She's leaving San Diego. Lauren, are you crazy? I know. Are you on crack cocaine?

1:34:57On the way to the airport. Stop her. Bye, Lauren. Goodbye, Snooki. We're going to miss you. Snooki. Have fun out in Jersey, Snooki. You live in the greatest city on earth, baby. So, Craig, give me this story. Last year, September 11th, I'm on a flight from LAX to New York. And we land at JFK and we're taxiing towards the gate. I'm in the front row of Coach. And the guy who's in the last row of First Class in front of me. Gets up and starts grabbing his stuff in the overhead. We're still taxiing. And the stewardess came on. Please remain seated until the captain has alerted it's okay to stand in the cabin. The guy doesn't care. He reaches over in another overhead, starts grabbing some other bags. And again, please remain seated until the captain has alerted it's okay to stand in the cabin. The guy doesn't care. And he's grabbing his stuff. And then you hear, bing! Everybody gets up, starts grabbing their stuff, and he shoves people out of his way for a couple rows to get them out, and then he has to stop because everyone's in his way, and he goes, ugh. And people are just staring at him like, what is your problem, dude? Right. And I snapped a couple pictures of him, and I put it on my Facebook page, and that guy was Kanye West. Oh, my God. And the pictures right now, if you go to my Facebook fan page, you'll see the pictures of Kanye West.

1:36:18And that happened on September 11th. And because of that, I will never forget the date of September 11th because of Kanye West. Exactly. But that's a true story. And the picture's there on the Facebook page. And it was on 9-11. Yeah. It was on 9-11. Maybe sit down in your seat on a plane on 9-11. Yeah, come on, dude. Guy sure does have a sultry voice. And then within 48 hours, he did the Video Music Awards. That's why he was going to New York. And he did that thing with Taylor. I saw the picture that you put of Kanye walking out. And there's a girl in the background of the picture looking at him like, I'm going to kill you, you idiot. It's classic. You could tell he was just being a jackass because everyone's staring at him in the photo. Well, Craig is going to be performing on Saturday night at 4th and B. And brings a lot of friends with him when he comes in. I'm going to be there for sure. And I actually have a couple of special guests driving down from L.A. to do the show with me. Who's coming? I don't know if I'm supposed to advertise it, but Jim Florentine wants to come down and do a set. Did I tell you that I finally called your buddy that you want me to call forever? Yeah. Did I tell you about that? Did he tell you about it? No, I haven't talked to him. Yeah, it was really cool. We talked for a long time. Good dude. Pretty intense. You guys got a lot in common. Yeah, good dude. Did we tell the story on the air?

1:37:35I can if you can. Is that okay? Yeah, go ahead. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You told me to call him for years. Craig would randomly say, you've got to call my friend Jim Brewer. You've got to call my friend Jim Brewer. I think you guys would get along famously. We did. It was right after the split happened with the old station. And I'm trying to put a show together because I don't have anybody. And I'm trying to put a show together. And I'm literally trying to think of anything I can. And I remember that you had said to me a million times, you've got to call Jim Brewer. You've got to call Jim Brewer. And it popped into my head. And you had given me his number years before. And so I just called him out of nowhere. And I said, hey, dude, this is... this is Mikey. I'm Craig's friend. And, you know, just wanted to kind of pick your brain about some stuff that's going on. I said, I have no idea what position it would be or anything like that, but just wanted to see what you think of it. And he was like, Oh dude, he goes, that's, he goes, if you had called me, he goes, if you'd called me like about a year ago, I may have really given some thought to it. He goes,

1:39:04but my kids now are doing this. And he goes, and I'm like driving them to school. He goes, I'm making my kid a grilled cheese sandwich right now. He goes, and that's what I, he's like, that's, that's kind of my life. And he's like, and I do a radio show, you know, out of my house. And he goes, and it's kind of fulfilling that bug. And he's like, but we got to keep in touch and blah, blah, blah. And we had a long, long, I remember I was parked. I was parked at a shrink appointment. Weird. Imagine that. I was going to see my psychologist, and I got there 30 minutes early for my shrink appointment, and I was staring at a pancake house the whole time I was talking to him. Of course you were. I love pancakes. Yeah, that's Christopher Walken. So you could have had Jim Brewer, and you wound up with me and LLB. Yeah. I had no idea. Lucky you. Yeah, lucky you, pal. He's making a grilled cheese with you staring at the... That doesn't bother you, does it? It's sarcasm. I know, but you know that would get in my head and I'd be like, oh my God, did I hurt you? Thanks a lot for hurting me. Four weeks later, 100 phone calls, he finally got to you. Yeah, exactly. 15 background checks. Really? It took two seconds when my wife... Oh, yeah, when Mikey called me the first time, I said, yeah, 100% in. And yeah, I mean, I think I'm going to make that happen. And then, you know, 15 background checks later.

1:40:29A lot of explanations. A lot of strings pulled. A lot of favors done. A lot of promissory notes signed. A lot under the table sort of happening. LLB was a different story. LLB didn't want to have anything to do with it. That is not true. It was apprehensive. Let me tell you about LLB. This is funny. We haven't even brought this up to her yet. LLB is a really private person. In fact, she's so private. that we, as a station, there's about 12 of us, we participate in a fantasy football league. And if you look at our fantasy football page, it'll say Mike Esparza and his team, the Crazy 88. His email is this, Mikey at MikeyShow.com. Steve Woods. I mean, we all work together. There's 12 people in this building. Lauren O'Brien, her team, and then email, private. What? Her private email. The only? The only person on the Fantasy Football League. We all work together in the same building. It has our email, our phone number, our cell, our IM. It's a million ways to get a hold of us. Well, maybe there's a good story behind it. That must have been like a default setting. I did not do that on purpose. Are there other ways where she's private? Do you not like to...

1:41:43Is there other ways where you- I'm just, I'm like an onion. You got to peel off the legs slowly so you don't start crying. And I also put it this way. I also said this about- So I don't start crying? Yeah. More like a parfait. I also said this about Ella B. When I was, you know, I call it the courting process. And it was like, it was like she was a rabbit and I had a little carrot, right? And a little, like a slice of carrot. And I would go- And she would come out of the bush just a little bit. What you got there? Yeah, what you got there? And I would be like, oh, cool. I got it. It's all good. And then she would go and scurry back into the... That's adorable. It was sweet. It was sweet. But I would tell my wife, like, dude. I can't get her. I said, I go, babe. I go, I'm kind of losing my mind. And she goes, why? And I go, because I think that this is a really cool opportunity, and so far she's taking it like I want to kidnap her. And she's not sure I'm going to kidnap her. Like once I meet her, I'm going to kidnap her, and I'm going to take her to Mexico, and I'm going to sell her kidneys to the black market. We were driving. Mikey was driving me to take my drug test for this job. And I'll never forget it. He was driving me to take my drug test.

1:43:02And we're in the car, and we're driving, and he goes, the phone rings. And he goes, oh, God, oh, God, it's Lauren. It's Lauren. It's Lauren. It's Lauren. It's Lauren. And I was like, yeah, what? I was like, is she coming or what? I don't know, man. I don't know. I had, like, sight. And he's like, all right, would you just keep quiet? Don't make any jokes, dude. Don't make any big, like, jokes. Don't be an idiot. Don't find noises. You're going to scare away. You're going to scare away. Yeah. And he was like, uh, uh, uh, hello? Hello? Oh, hi. I got Bluetooth in the car, right? So she's going to be on the speaker, right? Right. And so I hit the thing to answer it, and I go, Hello. You're all nervous. Yeah. Junior high. Seriously. You want to make a good impression on the girl. And she's like, real quietly, she's like. That rabbit just freaked out. She goes, she goes, is this Mike? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Is this Lauren? Yeah. I was just calling because I haven't heard from Garrett, the program director yet. And I'm like, I am going to slit Garrett's throat. Because I had just talked to him and I'm like, and I said, I go, Garrett, Garrett, Garrett, Garrett. I said, Garrett, please, please call Lauren today. Because remember how you said you were going to call her two days ago and you haven't called her? I think she thinks this is like fake. A joke. I did. It's a joke. I did.

1:44:25And Garrett was like, oh, yeah, I didn't get around to that. I'll call her today. And I'm like, no, no, no, dude, dude, please, please. You don't understand. I go, I don't mean to be weird, but when we hang up, will you call her? And he goes, dude, take it easy. You got to relax, okay? It's going to be fine. Don't worry. Everything's fine. And I'm like, dude, you don't understand. Sweating. She thinks this is a bit. I did. And so when we got down to contract signing, okay? Okay. She comes in here. She comes down to the station to sign the contract. And I am in a studio loading my sound effects into this system. And she's in Garrett's office. For two hours. I was there five minutes. Dude, Lauren, it was two hours. We were talking about Philly. Trust me, every minute that went by. Are you from Philly? I'm from outside of Philly, yeah. So I'm sitting there. You were the most mellow Philly person I've ever met in my life. San Diego. I bet you weren't when you moved here. No, I think I never really fit in there because I was like, what's up guys? What do your girlfriends sound like from Jersey?

1:45:35Oh, gosh. Well, it's different. The Philly accent's different than the Jersey accent I do. The Philly one will be like, yeah, we were going to go, and then we didn't know if the game was happening or not. Scenario. Yeah, we were going to go, and then it was like... I've definitely hooked up with that girl. Oh, the Philly girl? Scenario. But I didn't know what's going on. Oh, that's so scheming. What's the Jersey girl? That's the one that's like, yeah, I didn't know what you were talking about. So it's just like, yeah, I'm going to get in there. I'm going to go. And I'm going to go, go Giants. You know what I mean? She does that too. She comes back from Jersey and she's like, you know, she does. I'll come back and I'll be like, what are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? You guys want to get a sandwich for lunch? You know what's funny is neither of these guys believed you. No, well, Woodsy was all in. I mean, Woodsy was like, how much do I owe you for the job? L.O.B. is going like. all right, I don't know. She's really cautious. She's really mellow. And even if she's excited about it, she's not showing it. Woods told me that when you called him, he was like, yeah, that sounds great. And then what was it? Later that night, you sent him the most desperate text on the planet. Because you hadn't heard from him in a couple hours.

1:46:49Like he just called you and offered you a job. And you're such a woman that within a couple hours, what was the text you sent him? So the day he called me, would you like to do sports? And like I told you, I tried to play it cool. I was like, yeah, yeah. I mean, I can do that. I mean, like I've got a gig, man. I'm running a team. Like I got stock in this company. And like I'm doing pretty good. You know, I'm doing better than I've ever done. I'm really happy here. But San Diego radio, that'd be pretty cool. So I go out with my buddies. And I'm like sitting there. Mikey's like, listen. Don't tell anybody. I'm like, yeah. I'm not going to tell anybody. So 15 minutes later, we're out. We're having dinner and beers. I'm like, all right, guys. So I got this call today from this dude in San Diego. I did the same thing. Oh, yeah. So I tell him. You're on the loudspeaker of the bar. Of the bar. Hey, I just want to announce to the room that I hear a call from my friend Mikey, who works for the station. I got an offer. But then, so I'd had a couple beers and we were eating dinner. And I'll never forget it until the day I die. I go to the bathroom and literally while I'm going number one, I have my phone in my hand. I'm like, hey, bro, I just want you to know I'll do anything you need me to do. I'll pack my car. I'll be there next week. Whatever you want. Just let me know. Just desperate. L-O-B was the opposite. You know what it sounds like?

1:48:03There's a great story, a legendary story that Joe Pesci told once about how he got his first movie, Raging Bull. He was doing community theater in Brooklyn, and he managed a restaurant. And he didn't know that Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro came to see him. do this community theater thing. Really? And he said he came in for the restaurant for his shift. Yeah. And he said, do I got any messages? And they said, yeah, yeah, yeah. The delivery guy came by. He's going to get you tomorrow morning. Oh, and Robert De Niro called. And he goes, yeah, right. And he goes, yeah, here's a phone number. And he said it was a 213 number. And he was like, really? So he called up and he goes, somebody picked up and they go, hello? And he said, hi, is... Robert De Niro there. And they go, who's this? And he goes, Joe Pesci. They go, hold on. He's like, what? And then he hears, he's not in right now. Can I take a message? And he's like, yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, just tell him I called. Just tell him Joe Pesci called, whatever. So later that night, he gets a phone call. It was like, hey, Joe. And he goes, yeah. And he goes, it's Robert De Niro. And he goes, yeah, right. And he goes, listen, Joe, I saw you at me and Marty. We went to go see you over at Community Play.

1:49:18I really liked it. I liked it a lot. It's very good. It's very good. And he goes, yeah? Uh-huh. And at one point, De Niro realized, and he goes, hey, Joe, this is really Bobby De Niro. And he goes, this is really Joe Pesci. And he just didn't believe it. And that's the thing. It sounds like the same thing. That's so awesome. Well, and to my defense, that's probably the reason that I'm here today, because you were intrigued. Oh, yeah. I mean, from the very beginning. I thought that she was a very interesting cat, man. I mean, L.O.B. is a very interesting person. She sunk her hook in you real good with that little dance. Well, listen. You want me to talk to her? Yeah, you talk to her, Bobby. And Bobby, he had a YouTube account that he sent me his first correspondence. I heard about this. And all that was on there was a fake UFO sighting. You've been a little creepy. We'll be back. Welcome back. Good friend Craig Gass in the studio with us today. Yeah, Shane. That's right. And you know what's great? Check this out. We got Craig today and Friday. Yep. Be hanging with us today and Friday. And Craig has a show on Saturday night, 4th and B. Saturday night, 4th and B. And I wanted to tell you something I'm not even sure if you're aware of. What is it? You're telling a story about how nervous people are, about like, I want this gig, but I want to be too nervous. And then, hey, you can't tell anybody about this. Right.

1:51:07A show I've always wanted to be a part of, and I tried and tried and tried to be a part of, and they would never return my calls. And when I started working on Family Guy, they called me. Really? I got a call from Saturday Night Live to audition to be a cast member. No way. Wow. And I posted all of it on Facebook. The whole process. Oh, wow. Which was really dumb, but ... We went back and forth a few times. They asked me to send the material. And then they asked me to format some material for them. What does that mean? Well, they said, send us a video of you doing impressions, whatever. And they go, okay, now send us a clip. It can't be a five-minute clip. It can't be less than three. It can't be more than seven. And then in a story, using a minimum of three characters, three impressions. And and which they liked. And then they made a decision and they hired three people from Chicago. And none of them were comedians. They were all Second City people. Really? But but yeah, for the first time, finally, we actually went somewhere with it. Wow. It was all because of Family Guy.

1:52:18Wow. I've been lucky enough that I've gotten some great roles to play weird characters on TV. Sex and the City, I got this really awful character I got to do. I dated Miranda on Sex and the City. I was the new guy at Kevin James' work on King of Queens. I had this really weird character on the show Las Vegas. I would come in and do Mikey's show. And Mikey, we started talking about it on the air about, man, there's this weird thing going on on Family Guy where we do stuff on the air. And it's like an inside joke on the Mikey show. And then it ends up on Family Guy somehow. And I remember you telling me about that. Yeah. And then the last time I did your show, like the next day or two days later, I get a phone call from Family Guy. And they said, hey, we want you to want to know if you'd be available to work on an episode of Family Guy. How crazy. And I was doing Al Pacino on your show that last time I was on. Right. And they said, we want you to do Al Pacino for this episode of Family Guy. Wow. So weird. Yeah. Or a coincidence or a really crazy, crazy coincidence. You know what, man? I mean, it happened so many times that we were like, there's somebody that lives and somebody called and said, hey, I got a buddy that writes and lives in L.A. and loves you guys.

1:53:35Done. It was that kind of deal. So, yeah, I heard Craig on the show, and it was really great. That's awesome. Yeah, so a week later, I'm in a recording studio with Seth MacFarlane, and I'm just doing one line as Al Pacino. He did one line as Peter Griffin where he said, This is crazy, though, and Al Pacino was a slumlord laundromat tenant. And then they cut to me as Al Pacino in the middle of a bunch of broken down washers and dryers going, You're out of order. And you're out of order. And you're out of order! And I did that three times, and Seth goes, okay, man. I think we're good. And I go, all right, hey, do you want to hang out at all? No, I got to work. Do you want me to take off? Yeah, get the hell out of here. That's awesome. And that was it. And I didn't hear from them for six months, and then they started calling me and saying, After about six months, I go, hey, can you do Owen Wilson? And I'd go, of course. I would lie.

1:54:35Right. Owen Wilson? Yeah, like all the time. Me and my friends are always doing Owen Wilson. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Lauren and I were doing Owen Wilson back and forth, like doing Owen Wilsons. Why? Well, when do you need it? And they go, well, can you just put it on an MP3 by Friday? And I go, absolutely. And then for the next three days, I would listen to Owen Wilson movies like over and over and over again. Did you get anything? Yeah, I'd go. And then by the end of the week, I'd record myself going, hey, you know what, man? I just love Harry Potter. And then I'd put it on tape, and then I'd send it to them, and they'd go, that's it? Wow, you really do do Owen Wilson. I'd go, I told you. I told you. He's got the ear. And then they'd give me an episode of American Dad. And then they'd go, hey, can you do Judd Nelson? And I'd go, I do Judd Nelson all the time at parties, and we'll record it by next Monday. No problem. And I'd watch Breakfast Club over and over again. And everything, I've done like six episodes now, and now when I come in, I'm doing stuff on Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show now. And when I come in to do voices, they'll throw me random characters that haven't been filled in yet. Yeah. And they'll go, like, I did an episode of The Cleveland Show a few months ago, and I was doing Robert De Niro. Yeah. And they go, all right, so, Craig, what are you doing today? You're doing Robert De Niro? Right. Okay, Robert De Niro on page 34 and 35. Okay. Hey, Craig, do you mind also...

1:55:57playing a gay guy who gets in a bar fight with Cleveland on page 67 and 68. And I'll go, I'll be as gay as you want. Yeah, whatever you want. They'll go, okay, all right, we're going to give you the gay guy too. So you're going to be gay guy number one. And they'll have me throw in random character voices. I did one episode where I was a teammate of Cleveland Jr. And they said, just do it in your own voice. You're going to be a jerk. You're like a bully on the baseball team. Just your own voice. Just read it as yourself. I'm like, yeah, sure. Was that hard? No, it's amazing. I was wondering, you do those voices so good, but if you have to be you, if it was weird. The only time it's weird is when the celebrity comes up to you and goes, I heard you do my voice. And then you feel like, oh man. And almost everyone who I do an impression of has tried to meet me. And Tracy Morgan. is a nut. And I still haven't revealed to him. Tracy Morgan sees me on a regular basis and has no idea that I'm the guy that keeps parading around doing an impression. I don't have a distinctive enough voice. Because one time I remember you said, I'm going to try to do an impression of you. And you said, I don't even remember what you said. But I don't have a distinct, like, I don't do this. No, but everyone has nuances. Everyone has a certain way they end a sentence.

1:57:11Growing up in a deaf family, I realized that everyone picks up all your goofy little accents and all your goofy little mannerisms from your parents. Have you ever called your best friend and thought that your best friend had just picked up the phone, but it's somebody else in the same family? Or it could be somebody of the opposite sex in the same family, but they've all learned to pick up the phone and go, Mellow. Right. Or if you're crazy. And that's things that you adopt from your family. And so everyone picks up little quirks. And if you want to learn how to do an impression of somebody, go to their mom or go to their dad. I'll tell you what's weird, man, is that I hear myself in these headphones every day for four hours a day. And my father... was in the movie Godfather 2. Yeah, yeah. And so when he does his line, when he goes, nurse, I'm telling you, dude. It's you. I go, I hear that in my headphones every day when my dad goes, nurse. Really? In fact, when I just did that, it's exactly from the movie. Nurse. Yeah, you pick up on that. And they, you know, when I see...

1:58:31There's always something about somebody that people repeat, and people don't realize they repeat stuff over and over again. You have little things that, and for whatever reason, it sticks out to me. Speaking of, go ahead, go ahead. Can I just tell my quick Tracy Morgan story? Yeah, yeah. I just did a show. I got a million great Tracy Morgan stories, but the best, I did a show last week in Providence, Rhode Island. There's a great guy named Brian Bowden is a stand-up comedian from Providence who told me the story We're going back and forth about Tracy Morgan and he goes dude because I got the best story a couple months ago I was at the comedy connection in Boston Tracy Morgan walked into the open mic and I go no way and he goes dude He walked in the open mic everyone goes Tracy Morgan and then Tracy looked and there's a kid near the front door Young you know fledgling comedian at the open mic He's got a notebook and he's reading his notebook. Tracy Morgan grabbed the notebook and just whipped it out the window. And he goes, get that out of here. Comedy comes from the heart. Okay? Comedy don't be reading your stuff. Comedy comes from the heart. And he started getting emotional. And the kid was like, that was my list of phone numbers. And he goes, I don't care. I don't care. And everyone's looking outside the window. There's taxis running it over.

1:59:44Taxis are running over his notebook. That was my phone numbers best. Oh my gosh. I told my story last night and I thought I hurt myself. I did too. I thought I was going to die. Everyone comes out of the woodwork to say hi and they want me to do the impression of them to their face and it's always uncomfortable. That's got to be right. I did an episode of Gene Simmons Family Jewels a couple months ago. It just came out a couple weeks ago but Gene had me come to his house and well his producers had the idea of having me come to his house and he let me into his office. And Gene let me sit in his chair and I took over and I conducted about three hours of radio interviews as Gene Simmons while Gene slept in the other room. Are you kidding? No way. That's fantastic. It was amazing. But they didn't tell Gene until the night before because Gene feels kind of weird about me and he doesn't know what to say. And in fact, when I got to his house, he said, you know, these guys just told me yesterday that you're coming here.

2:00:54I don't know what you have planned. Are you planning something to make fun of me? No, I'm not. Gene, I'm not going to make fun of you. He goes, because I don't know if you have something silly. And I go, Gene, here's what I'm going to do. First of all, I'm a nice guy. And I want to hang out with you. And I want to tell you jokes. And I want to hear your favorite jokes. I just want to hang out with you. I'm looking forward to spending the day with you and telling you some jokes, man. And he goes, you want to hear my favorite joke? And I go. Sure. And this is Gene Simmons' favorite joke. You can tell it on the air. It involves who? Who do you think it involves? Paul Stanley. No. Gene Simmons. And this is a joke. And it's a long joke. I could summarize it in three sentences. Basically, a guy dies, goes to heaven. He's walking around heaven, and he sees Gene Simmons sitting in this giant throne. And the guy says, what is Gene Simmons doing in that giant throne? And the guy says, that's not Gene Simmons. That's God. He just thinks he's Gene Simmons. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. That sounds like Gene Simmons. That sums him up. So this is, I want to ask Craig to do a voice. This is one of my favorite voices that he does because nobody does it. I've never heard anybody do it except for Craig. There may be a lot of people that don't. He'll do it and they'll go, well, I didn't know he sounded like that. Woodsy will know.

2:02:21Craig, I don't know for how long, slept on Eddie Van Halen's couch in the 5150 studio. And I was a Van Halen nut back in the day, man. I mean, it was my band. Wallpapered room with posters, anything from a magazine, anything that ever came on TV, I taped it on VHS. I had a compilation of it. Every album that was ever released and went to every concert. So I was really into Van Halen. I think it's the greatest American rock band of all time when David Lee Roth was a singer. Oh, yeah. I'm a Roth guy, too. How did you end up on his couch? I was at a concert. I had started spending time in L.A. because I was starting to get a lot of acting roles in 2002. And it was 2003. And so I have a lot of friends in the music industry, and I'm at a concert, and I'm backstage at the show because somebody gave me... passes and free tickets. And this guy who I'm talking to says, I want to introduce you to this guy over there that, and this is such an L.A. thing, he goes, this guy lives with one of the biggest rock stars on it. But we'll do that. All right, come on, come on. And he walks me over and he goes, Matty, hey, dude, it's my friend Craig Gass. He's a stand-up comedian. I don't know if you listen to this show or watch this TV show. And Matty turns around and goes, dude, I am your...

2:03:43biggest fan. No way. And he goes, dude, I listen to you all the time. And you know what? He goes, when you came to the Roxy, I was in line for three hours waiting for you at the Roxy. And on top of that, last summer, I paid 50 bucks to a scalper to watch you at the House of Blues with Richard Jenny and Robert Schimmel. And I go, no way. And he goes, yeah, man. He goes, dude, I'm a huge, what are you doing in LA? And I go, I got to live here part-time now and getting acting roles. And he says, well, what do you do for fun? I go, nothing. I like to go bowling. And he goes, yeah. He goes, you want to go bowling? I go, yeah. You want to go bowling? And he goes, yeah. All right. So we exchanged phone numbers. We made plans to go bowling that Tuesday. I had this bowling alley on Ventura. I call him up that night and I go, Matty. Hey, man, it's Craig Gass. We're doing bowling at 9 p.m. Is that good for you? And he goes, absolutely. Hey, and can I bring my friend Ed with me? I've been telling him about you for a long time, and he was really stoked when he heard that you're living here now. Is it cool if I bring him? I go, yeah, dude, it's bowling. Who cares? And he goes, well, I just got to give you a heads up. He's got a son. His son's 13. I don't know if that's cool or not. I go, Matty, it's bowling. Yeah. Who cares? Right. So I go down there to the bowling alley. My friend Dave Lee comes down with me, who's...

2:04:53guitar tech for other bands. And this guy, Scott Uchida from Dunlop, who makes guitar picks for people, he shows up. He's the guy who introduced me to Maddie. And then Maddie shows up. And I go, where's your friend Ed? And he goes, oh, he's always late. He'll be here soon. And it's league night, so we've got to wait for a lane to open up. So we're sitting at a table. And I keep looking at the entrance to the bowling alley to see if someone's going to walk through that looks like they're looking for us. And then the door opens up, and I look, and I go, oh, my, dude, look. Look who just walked in the door right now. Three o'clock. Look at that. Tell me who that is. Tell me who that is. Everyone looks over, and this guy, Maddie, stands up and goes, Ed! Over here! Wow. And the guy walked right towards us, and he was smoking a cigarette, and he goes, Hey, which one of you guys is a comedian? And I go, that's me. And he goes, hey, man, I'm Maddie Van Halen. And I go, yeah. Yeah, you are. And he goes, hey, my kid. Hey, Wolfie.

2:05:49This is the guy. And I come to find out that Maddie is Eddie Van Halen's assistant. Matty runs. Matt Bruck? Matty Bruck. You know that? Dude, I was such a crazy fan. I knew who his texts were. That is a super fan. I was a crazy fan. Matty Bruck is the assistant. He runs the 5150 Studios and happened to be the biggest Howard Stern fan on the planet. And at that time, I was auditioning to be Howard's sidekick for that year, in 2001. So I come to find out that Matty is... A couple times a week, going down to Eddie at his, because there's like a mansion and a recording studio and a guest house, he'd come into the mansion and be like, there's this guy on the Howard Stern show now who does voices that are like, he does Sam, you've got to hear the Sam Kinison. I'm going to tape the Sam Kinison for you, and you've got to hear the Sam Kinison. And then like a week later, he's like, dude, that guy came back. You're not going to believe this.

2:06:46He does a Gene Simmons, like who cares about Gene Simmons enough to do a Gene Simmons impression? Oh my God, the guy does a Lars Ulrich from Metallica impression. And so he tells Eddie, and Eddie now, we're at a bowling alley, and Eddie is telling me my whole life story, third person through Maddie, through what he heard on the radio. Does he want to hear all the voices? He wants to hear all the voices, but he's fascinated with me and my life story. And one of the stories he's fascinated by is I told a story on the air about how I've been broke my whole life. I've never made any money. And now that I'm making money, the only thing I wanted... ever in my life. The only thing I wanted to possess was an illegal cable box. I wanted an illegal cable box so bad. I wanted to be able to have all the channels. Right. And I finally had enough money that I bought an illegal cable box and I was so excited about it. Right. And Eddie Van Halen is sitting there going, he goes, dude, I heard you broke your whole life and all you ever wanted was a legal cable box. He goes, that's crazy. And he looked both ways and he went.

2:07:46I got an illegal cable box. I go, really? You have an illegal cable box? He goes, yeah. He goes, the thing is, I'm rich, but don't want to pay for cable. And I go, are you serious? And I'm like, what the? And then over the course of the next couple months, me and Maddie will hang out. I'll go over to the house, and I would shoot hoops, whatever, and I'd see Eddie from time to time. And Eddie'd go like, hey, tell me a joke. I go, yeah, we'd laugh or whatever. And then I got in a really bad relationship. with a girl that ended terribly one night. We were at a party, and I left to go to the bathroom for two minutes. And when I came back from the bathroom, she was making out. Oh, boy. And I was freaking out, and I called Maddie, and Maddie goes, Dude, hold on. Eddie wants to talk to you. Eddie got on the phone, and he goes, Dude, I told you that girl's a skank. And I go, I know. And he goes, Hey, man, you're living with her? Pack up your stuff. Move in with me. And I go, Wow. Really? And he goes, Dude. You can sleep in the recordings too. The only thing is, you know, don't tell anybody. The band's getting back together, you know, so it's going to be kind of loud at night. And I go, so the only thing I got to worry about is the fact that Van Halen with Sammy Hagar is going to be jamming. It was Sammy's reunion, 2004. It was four months at the beginning of 2004 that I stayed there.

2:09:08And I go, all right. And I hang up the phone, and the girl that I was dating comes up to me and goes, I'm sorry. I'm wasted. I don't even know what I'm doing. I go, you know what? If you want to bang every guy in this bar, that's totally fine with me because I'm moving in with Eddie Van Halen, and I'm listening to Van Halen Jam every night. And I pack up my stuff, and I move up into Eddie Van Halen's recording studio. And at that time, I was making my first episode of Las Vegas. which stars James Caan, and my partner on Las Vegas was Alec Baldwin. Nice. So I spent all day, for a few weeks, I spent all day every day telling jokes to James Caan and Alec Baldwin. Oh, my God. And then when I was done, I would drive into the Hollywood Hills, and I had the gate code and everything, and I'd come home, and Eddie would be in the next room jamming. And I'd knock on the door, and I'd go, hey. I just got home. I'm getting ready to crash out. Do you mind if I listen for a little bit before I crash out? And every night it was the same response. Like, dude, come on in. I'm lonely. Come talk to me. And I'd sit in and listen to him play. What album? Do you remember what they were doing? They had put together a Greatest Hits album that featured two brand new tracks. Oh, yeah. And he was working on these two new tracks and they were going to tour for the first time in a long, long time with Sammy.

2:10:31Nobody was getting along. In fact, every time Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony came up, I had to leave. That was the only time I had to leave and go down the hill. When who would come over? Whenever Sammy Hagar or Michael Anthony would come over. Because they weren't getting along. They didn't want me to be witness to anything that took place when those guys... It was just kind of like... How long would you have to go? Because you lived there, so you were like, alright, I'll come back. It wasn't very, like, because usually I'd be back at the end of a day working on this TV show, and they'd say, hey, listen, you know, when you get up here, just go down the hill for a little while. We'll let you know when it's okay to come up. But when Alex came over, it was like we'd hang out and tell stories. And, dude, like, when his brother would come over, we would hang out and just tell stories. I love hearing a great story. I love telling a great story and hearing a great story. And we would just talk for hours. And then I go, all right, well, listen, man, I'm going to take off. I'm going to go hit an open mic tonight. I'm going down to the comedy store to go work on some material. And Eddie would go, hey, let me come with you. And I go, I'm not bringing you to an open mic, dude. Because she can tell you. Lauren will tell you. An open mic is like seven sad people in the audience and a couple comedians. Yeah. All right. Let's hear it for Lauren. All right.

2:11:42We need another beer. Other comedians. Two beers, actually. Two beers. And a shot. A shot from my friend. Two shots from my friend. Please welcome Lauren. She gets up on stage. It's like seven people and one guy in the back. Take off your top! Yeah. You done? And I told Eddie, I said, just come to my one big show. I'm doing a big show at the Comedy Store. And he did. He came down. That is killer. Unbelievable. I mean, listen. And Craig has so many stories like that. My first roommate. In New York was Mitch Hedberg. Crazy. Crazy. Hang on. We'll be back. Oh, fourth and B. Yeah, fourth and B. Fourth and B, the Saturday night. 4thandbeevents.com. Huge show on Saturday night, and I'm usually hilarious. And to let people know, it is an adult show. It is not for kids. It's not for kids. Yes. But it is funny, and I'm a good person. And you are, and I hate that you even have to say that, because it's not that. I would put out the same warning. Yeah, you know, because there's language. There's language? There's language. I wouldn't consider it offensive, but if you like dirty jokes, you're going to love my show. There you go. We'll be back.

2:13:24Our boy Jared is the best, man. You need any kind of graphic design caller. Go to his website. It's createyourdesignonline.com. He did the adoption thing for you, Woodsy. Yeah, he did our adoption pamphlet. That's insane. It's so far and above anything that really any other couple did. It was so different and cool. He's so good. He's so good, and we love him, and check out his website, createyourdesignonline.com. He's going to be, Mike, also doing something for me that people are going to be really interested in. Oh, yeah. When are you going to talk about that? I don't know. Soon. Soon. I'm going to let the cat out of the bag. I know it. I know it. LLV knows what it is. You can tell him. No, I'm not going to, but I'm really bad with secrets. Yeah. With secrets? Why? I don't know. I just say things. I'm like, oh, right after I say them. I'm bad, too. Don't you get excited when someone goes, listen.

2:14:17You can't tell anybody what I'm about to say. Why would I do that? Tell me now. You get super excited, like, I'm going to hear the juiciest, most outrageous thing ever. I love when somebody says that. I'm terrible. Mikey told me, don't tell anybody about this potential gig. I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to tell a soul. I told everybody I know. Everyone. Everyone I know. I'm like, hey, Woods, I just got a call from a stranger that I've never met from Switzerland, and she said that she met you in a bar and you were telling her about how you got offered the job, so please don't tell anybody anymore. I told every human that I know. Every human. What I usually do, Lauren, I don't know if you do this, but I'll be like, wow, and I'll hang up the phone, and then I'll call somebody and go, okay, dude, listen. You can't tell anybody. The double disclaimer. I just heard the most amazing thing, but you can't tell anybody. I'm not even supposed to know. I'm not even supposed to be telling you. Oh, you know what? And what's Steve's phone number? I got to call you. Why do we do that? You know, I seriously think that every person has said at one time in their life, in every language, I mean, somewhere in Namibia, someone went, and it meant you can't tell anybody that. Except it came out like this. Okay, I promise. Yeah. Just tell me.

2:15:36And then 20 minutes later, that person went. Absolutely. And they told someone else. Yeah. Just kept going. Through a conch shell. Through a conch shell. We want to be the first to know. I don't know why. First to break the news. We want to be the first to break the news. Hey, same thing when something crazy happens or we see something on TV. Did you see that so-and-so died? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Immediately. Because you want them to be like, no, I didn't know. You want to be the guy that, you know, you want to be the town crier. And you have all the information. I just went through that over the weekend. You did? Yeah, you did. Yeah. Greg Giraldo. Greg Giraldo? Oh! The comedian. The comedian from Last Comic Standing? Yeah, I was walking right to his home club in New York, the place he always performs at, and a friend of mine called me up and said, hey, man, there's these crazy rumors online that something happened to Greg Giraldo. I said, man, well, really? And I go, you know what? I'm almost at this comedy club, and this is where he always performs. If anyone's going to know, they're going to know here. And then I found out there that Greg was in the hospital. you know and i was like what's wrong with him he overdosed oh yeah yeah yeah relapse he didn't die no he did not die yeah he was clean wow how long was he clean for i don't know but uh but yeah it was that thing where like oh my god you know and then you know comedians are calling me and i'm calling them like i don't know this is what i heard what did you hear i don't know you know and it's and it's concern but it's like that you know oh did you you know i just heard this no really and then you like you know we like

2:17:04information well it's you know in your case man it's been a tough tough few years for comedians there's been you know art with that with arty and those guys and i stopped doing drugs uh five and a half years ago i stopped drinking and doing drugs and in the first year the first like calendar year that i got clean seven of my friends died. All of them were comedians. It's insane. And it was four drug overdoses and three drinking and driving car accidents. One was a really nice girl that I met at the Comedy Store in La Jolla. Really cute little lesbian girl. And she was like... I think she was 17. And she couldn't. And they had this rule like, okay, you have to stand in the fire exit until it's your time to perform because you're underage. So she would watch the entire show and then she'd go up and do her thing. And it was very cute, likable, very Ellen DeGeneres kind of. Really smart. And I remember telling her like, hey, you're really funny. I really like your stuff. And where else do you perform at? And she's like...

2:18:04I perform at, you know, she didn't know I was a comedian. She thought I was like, you know. And then later that night, she's like, I am so sorry. I didn't know who you were. No, no, it was great. I go, I think you're awesome. And we exchanged phone numbers. And I said, you know, let's hit an open mic together. And then I found out a few months later that it was just, you know, kids being kids. She was drinking, driving, and didn't realize she was driving the wrong way down on a major highway. Bad. Mitch Hedberg was my first roommate. He died that year. Funny guy. And every time I do a show in Minneapolis, I always have Mitch's parents come out to the show. Really? You know what I feel bad about? I feel really bad about. Wasn't a close friend of his, but I feel bad about Robert Schimmel's passing. Yeah, dude. I did too because I knew Schimmel pretty good from when I was in San Jose and even here in San Diego. He was such a disarming guy and such a sweet guy off the air and on the air and a guy that just hung out. Yeah. You know, when the Mikey show ended, he would stay and just hang out. He just wanted to go have lunch and go eat and hang out. And just a really kind guy. And it was sad, really sad. I'll tell you why I'm sad. The last time I talked to him,

2:19:29I was at a radio station in Los Angeles, and I was on the air for one hour as a goof, as Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley taking phone calls from fans. And I was assessing people's love for Kiss. And I was like, how much of a fan are you really? How much money have you spent on the band? And say, Mikey, you call in and you're a fan. All right, we got Mikey on caller number one, on line number one. Mikey, you're on the line with Gene Simmons. Hi, Mikey. So tell me, how much of a fan are you? I am the biggest fan ever. Okay, let me just interrupt you for one second. If you had to estimate in your entire life how much money you've spent on Kiss, how much would you just guesstimate in your head? Probably $10,000 on stuff. You're a real fan, Mike, because you just paid for part of my vacation in Hawaii. Okay, next caller. And then people were like, and then as they're hanging up on him, you're awesome. They still love him, even though he's crapping on his fans. And then they go, and I see that in a radio station, you can see the names of the callers up on a board, and I see Robert Schimmel's name is flashing, and I go...

2:20:37Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go, well, guess who we have on the phone? It's comedian Robert Schimmel. Robert, you're on the phone with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley. He goes, hey guys, I'm a big fan of Kiss. And I go, that's right. And you know, I'll tell you why Robert Schimmel is great. Yeah, go tell him, Gene. It's because when you are as smart as Robert Schimmel is, you know that Kiss actually invented stand-up comedy. That's a true story. When we took off our makeup, everyone said, this is so ridiculous. This is... This is comedy. And that's what started stand-up comedy. Now, Robert, I want you to tell the audience why you're such a Kiss fan. And Schimmel goes, well, you know why Kiss is so great. I'll tell you why. And then Schimmel tells his whole long story. He has a testimonial about why Kiss is so great. And I go, that's great. Now, Robert, I want to talk to you privately on my Kiss phone. So tell Robert to hold. And they go, hey, Robert, did you hear that? Gene Simmons wants to talk to you privately off the air. And he goes, sure, I'll hold. And I pick up the phone and I go, in my own voice, Robert, dude, that was so cool. Thank you for doing that. And Robert goes, Gene, I don't know if you remember, but I actually met you. He goes, Gene, I actually met you at Dodger Stadium a few years ago. I don't know if you remember that. And I go, what?

2:21:45And he goes, and I'm such a fan. You've always been so great. And then before I could even get to the reveal, he goes, I don't know if you know this, Gene, but I actually have been fighting cancer for the last few years. And I've been dealing with this cancer battle. And I don't know if you know, but the doctors told me I would never be able to have children again because of this cancer. And guess what, Gene? Guess what? girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy last February and there's a long pause and everyone in the radio station now knows that he thinks he's still talking to Gene Simmons and I the only thing I could think of was you know the Kiss Army is proud of you because he's telling me his cancer story and if I'm a jerk about it so I just said The Kiss Army loves you. And he goes, thank you, Gene. Hey, Gene, thanks again for having me on the air. I love you and all the best. All right, great. And I hung up, and I was like, oh, my God. I felt so bad. Oh, yeah. A few months later, a friend of mine's opening up for Robert Schimel in Atlantic City. I'm performing at Atlantic City the next night. So my buddy says, well, dude, we've got to hang out. You ever met Robert? I go, I have. I go, dude, I'd love to come down and hang out with you. And he goes, dude, let's meet an hour before the show. I'll walk you in. I'll take you to his dressing room. And I go, no problem, man, definitely. The day of the show, he calls me up, and he goes,

2:23:04uh hey dude uh i just want to tell you are you still coming to the show and i go yeah yeah seven o'clock right and he goes uh no i go what time and he goes no i mean i don't think you should go to the show and i go no i go why and he goes just don't i go and he goes dude i i can't get you in and there's no more tickets so uh i can't do anything for you and i go you're opening the show he goes i know but i can't i just i just can't and you just you can't come down and i go Is something wrong? He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I'm just, I just can't do anything for it. And he's so worked up about it. And I was like, dude, if there's something, oh my God, Bill, is he mad at me for the, you know what? I did a, and he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just, I just, just don't come down. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. So you never talked to Schimmel? Since then. Oh. That's too bad. That's too bad. What a crazy story. Listen, Craig's got a lot of stories. If you're dying of cancer, call into the station right now. Come down to 4th and B. I'll give you tickets to the 4th and B show on Saturday night. That's right.

2:24:14Craig will be with us Friday, too. Friday, and then the show's on Saturday. All right, let's do some show stuff. I haven't done any show stuff. We've been hanging out with Craig, hearing all the voices, and doing top stories. Yes, yes, y'all. That's right. Obama on the economy. Oh, wow. What happened? What just happened? Oh, boy. You know what's going on? I haven't used my computer all day. Is it sleeping? Yeah, so it's like, oh, now? Oh, now you want me. Now you want me to do something for you? What does Craig think of that? Why don't you ask Craig to do it? Maybe see what Gene Simmons has to say. All right, here we go. Got it. Here it is. No, seriously. These choices are going to mean something. And you've got to ask yourselves, what direction do I want this country to go in? Left. We're going, what we've decided is we're going to go left. No, left wing. Left wing. Not left. One of the things that we... thought as an administration was that we wanted to go more left wing. Look at your watch. It's the left wing of the White House under construction right now. It's the left wing of the Oval Office. What I meant to say was that it was the right wing of the Oval Office. Now, let me say this. That emphatically...

2:25:37Categorically, I deny any allegations of wrongdoing. And I want everyone to know that the economy is on an upswing. And the government is behind you. Behind you. The construction in the left wing. I want people to know that the construction in the right and left wing are almost done in the White House. Keep pointing with your finger. I want people to know, Numbnuts, that there is something. No, don't say Numbnuts. Don't say Numbnuts. No, no, no, you said it again. The economy right now is moving in a direction. Clean your neck up. That, I believe, will Help the economy in the end. Finish, finish, finish, finish. Eye contact, eye contact. I am trying to let you know that we, as a country, will look you in the eye. Now call out that guy that fainted in the back. And say, did someone faint in the back? Is someone fainting in the back? No, he farted. Someone fart in the back? No, he fainted. He fainted and farted in the back. I can't think of my screen. It's just farted. No, that was a typo.

2:26:53Wrap it up. You're going to want to wrap this up. It's not an easy job replacing George W. Bush. It is not an easy job replacing George W. Bush. Don't bring up Bush. And don't bring up Bush. Good night. Thank you so much. I love confusing the president. President with the earpiece in. You've got to keep pointing. Three handlers. Fighting with each other. 5701949. Don't point with the middle finger. 5701949 is our number. If you want to text us, you can do it. The text is 949mikey at gmail.com. Don't do this often, but wanted to see if Christopher Walken would be willing to read a poem that I have. It's a very beautiful poem. I wanted to tell my jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. And there's no doubt about it. We're going to let you tell your jokes. They're dynamite. I like the cow joke. The cow joke was good. Cow joke was great. I got a lot of cow jokes. Yeah.

2:27:54Yeah, but would you... What do you call a cow with three legs? What? A tri-tip. Pow! Oh, wow, that's good. That's a great joke. With a fist, he does the pow. I think you should cut the pow. Pow! The pow, yeah. You gotta add the pow when you're doing your funny make-em-ups on stage. Let me ask you something, Christopher Walken. Sure. Are you willing to read this poem? Sure. I could read it, but I thought, because you're an actor, I thought maybe you would like to read the poem. What's the name of this poem? The poem is called Smells Like Teen Spirit. This is your poem. It's called Smells Like Teen Spirit. Yes. Load up on guns. Bring your friends. It's fun to lose and to pretend. She's overborn and self-assured. Oh, no. I know a dirty word. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. How low. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. How low. This is a crazy poem. Hello. It is. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. With the lights out, it's less dangerous. Here we are. Now, entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Uh-huh.

2:29:24Here we are now, entertain us. That's it. All right, I don't get this next line, but a mulatto, an albino. A mosquito, my libido. Yay. Yay. That's it. That was perfect. That was well done. Well done. Mike, you write crazy poems. I know I do. They're weird. Crazy poems. They're weird, but you read them in a way, I think, that sort of transcends even the meaning that I add for it. The spoken word. Do you have more of these poems? Yeah. As a matter of fact, I'll tell you what. Take a quick time out. Come back. Maybe you do some more poetry. Hey, the singer of this band is at a cocaine anonymous meeting. No, you don't want to say that, Tom. Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't say that. I'm sorry. Tom, you probably shouldn't say that. No, we shouldn't. Steven Peercy, if you need a sponsor, call me. No, you don't want to tell people that. I'll hook you up with Bobby Blotzer. And we'll get you straight, buddy. Craig Gass is going to be performing on Saturday night at 4th & B. 4thAndBEvents.com and call me if you need a sponsor. There you go. We'll be back. Craig Gass is hanging out with us along with a lot of group of his friends. Tom Arnold is here. And I got to tell you.

2:31:18I'm glad to be here with you, Mike, and it's great to hang out here in San Diego, and I'm happy to be clean and healthy. That's great. That's the way life needs to be. That's right. You know, I was talking to Bell and DeVoe, not Biv, because Biv is... Biv's too busy. Well, Biv is on the program, and he's walking the street path. No, you're not supposed to... Don't say that. Oh, I'm sorry. No, yeah, yeah. Don't give that away. Don't give it away. Well, Bell and DeVoe, if you would... Just call me. I can help you out. You don't want to give that away, though, Tom. It's crazy. You know, like, to me, I've always been a guy who, you know, I was a 70s guy, you know, cocaine and marijuana, and I finally got my stuff together. I'm glad you did. There's people like Queen Latifah who's addicted to colonics. No, you don't want to tell her. Queen Latifah is addicted to colonics. No, she's not. They don't even have a support group for that. Thank you. She's just got to talk to me. It's Tom Arnold. And we're going to start our own group. It's Tom Arnold. Thank you, Tom. All right, thanks, guys. Craig, I got... to tell Craig. Hey, you guys going to be at 4th and B? I just noticed that nobody even knows what's going on this week. Craig's doing a show. Craig's doing a show. Saturday night at 4th and B. It's 4thandbievents.com. That's great. I love cocaine. Tom, you don't anymore. You don't anymore. Craig, I haven't seen Craig in a year and a half. Probably a year and a half, right? Close to two years. Really? Oh my goodness.

2:32:37It's been a long time. So you haven't seen the kids. Jake, you've seen Jake, but you haven't seen Luke and Ryan. No, I've never met them. You have not met Luke and Ryan. Never met Luke and Ryan. And Jake, it's been a couple years, man. Yeah, Luke and Ryan are a year old, just turned a year old. Yeah. Just babies. Just babies. Ryan is really, really sweet. Brown hair, blue eyes. Luke looks like his mommy. He's a troublemaker. Really? Yeah, troublemaker. Bad seed. Jake is just the sweetest. He's so sweet. Beautiful kid, man. A model. Now, Ryan, my boy Ryan, one of the twins, is a lot like him. Real sweet, just like him. Luke will probably end up having issues with because Luke can have an attitude. Jail time. Really? He's on the line. You're in trouble. This is your son? Yeah, my one-year-old. This is the troublemaker. Yeah, Luke. Hey. Hello? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, Luke. I've been on hold for like 15 minutes. Oh, I'm sorry about that. It's your show. Maybe you pulled some strings. This is your son? This is my one-year-old. This is your one-year-old kid. So, who's this Jake? Who's Jake? Yeah, who's this Jake you guys are talking about? It's your big brother. Jake is your big brother, yeah. Gorgeous eyes and, you know, beautiful, sweet.

2:34:00It's a good-looking kid. It's your brother, yeah. Who is he? It's your brother, Jake. It's your big brother. It's your older brother. Jake is your older brother. Who's the guy on your show today? That's Craig Gass. Craig Gass? No, Craig Gass. That's real funny. That's actually pretty good. Now you can tell he's a baby. He's a baby. You're going to have him over to the house? Yeah, he's going to come over to the house. Maybe we just hold a commune. There's 70 people. That's not a Hungarian broad. That is your nanny. That's Nita. Huh. Well, maybe you should have a few more people over. How are you going to pay for all the food that's going to cost to feed all these people? Maybe you... Don't be a smart aleck, and you act like a one-year-old. You just be a one-year-old. You don't have to worry about that. I'm laying in my bed. I'm looking at a mobile, as you call it, above my head, and I just poop my pants. So I think I am acting like a one-year-old. Yeah, yeah, you are. But you're also a little bit smart-mouthed. I could use a Rob Roy right now. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. Luke, why are you in such a bad mood about it? Yeah, why are you always in such a bad mood?

2:35:1215 people running around my house at all times. He wants his own place. My dad is, you know, a giant clown and, you know, just so uncool. Let me ask you a question. What? Why don't you... Why don't you... Say what? Put your... Put your... All right, you're doing the thing where you're trying to copy what I say. It's immature of you. Put a... Put a pacifier in your mouth. Yeah, I'll show you. Put a pacifier in your mouth. Oh, wow. Wow, you are in a bad mood. Is Craig's ass coming over? No, it's not. It's Craig gas. Craig's ass is going to come to the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be rude anymore. Don't be. And don't do the ha ha ha. Maybe a nap? You want to take a nap? Yeah, maybe take a nap. Do you need a nap, maybe? Maybe you guys take a nap. Uh-huh. Hey, I, when you guys come home, I need a favor. What? I need you to bring me something. What? Some rolling papers.

2:36:13What? I need zigzag. You're an idiot. I hate to call my son an idiot, but it's ridiculous. I'm not going to bring you rolling papers, and that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's a magic trick. I light it, and it disappears. I make it, you know? Is that right? You shouldn't be using lighters. No, you shouldn't. You're a baby. I have a Zippo. Bring me some rolling papers when you come home. What time do you get off? This is his thing. He asks every day. Every time I talk to him, he says, what time do you get off? I get off the same time, 10. How does a one-year-old understand this concept? The concept of time. Yeah. So you get off at 10. You'll be home by, what, 3? You'll go to bed at 6? All right. Passive-aggressive, passive-aggressive. Okay. So let's see. I'll get about, what, four minutes of FaceTime today? That'll work. Okay, great. That'll work. Thank you. Thank you, Luke. I love you. Take a nap. Take a nap, Luke. He's so grumpy. He's very cranky. Very grumpy. He came out of the womb that way. So when he takes a nap, does he come out a little better? Yeah, sometimes he wakes up and he's in a better mood. But overall, Ryan's the sweet one. Luke is a little grumpier, you know? Love him. He's just grumpy. Kid's full of attitude. He's got some toot on him. He is. He gets like that. That's just his thing. He called you a giant, Mike. Yeah, I know. Don't you mean a tiny clown? Tiny clown. Tiny clown. I know it. He's goofing on you. Hello. Oh, great. This is Captain Buzzkill, Craig. Yeah, it's Captain Buzzkill.

2:37:37What could you possibly be calling about today? How did we offend you today? Every single thing that you said today was offensive. Since 6 a.m.? Like what? I think it's offensive that you pretend to be a one-year-old baby. Oh, gosh. Because a one-year-old baby would never smoke marijuana. I think it's ridiculously rude for you to put out there that you wouldn't. You pretend to hate the Mikey show, but you... Exactly. You love it. You listen to four hours a day. You should be going to meetings with Tom Ardo with your addiction. Oh, that's so funny. You joke about addiction when Mikey's supposed to be a born-again addiction. That's what we do. A born-again addiction. There's no such thing as a born-again addiction, buddy. No, there's not. And I don't know what you're talking about, but that's not an actual term. That's right. It isn't an actual term, and that's a ridiculous thing to say. Yeah, you're kind of killing my buzz, buddy. Thank you. That's what he does. He's a buzz kill. No, I get it. So you're the guy that we don't want at the party. Yeah, exactly. If that's really Tom Arnold, I want to say that I enjoy your work. All right, now we finally have a fan. Let's not judge this guy. Hang on a second. Hang on. I like your work, and I like that you were married to Roseanne, who's a brilliant woman. Is everybody listening to this? I used to be married to Roseanne. That's a true story. This guy knows my body of work. Buzzkill, do you have a crush on Roseanne? No, I don't have a crush.

2:39:01I know what you're implying. You ain't saying that because... Because you're Chubby. You like Chubby. Right. Chubby Chaser. Chubby Chaser. I'm overweight. Chubby. I like this guy. I hate the Mikey show. You love the Mikey show. You love it. I hate Mikey. I think that he's a joke. I think that the world is rude and he doesn't choose to back on here. It's true. And I know that he does. And I think he's probably the bad influence. You know, this guy is one of my fans. and I think maybe if you guys just backed off on your material that you're doing, maybe you could get this guy to turn around. No, he's, you know, Tom, he's one of these guys. Is he breathing into the phone? Yeah, he breathes really hard because he's fat. Mr. Buzzkill, if you just move your nose away from the phone, I don't know if anybody's ever told you, but you're kind of, you do a thing where you keep the phone too close to your nose. My phone... It's a cleat. ...is from a short-tailed straight shaped like a cleat.

2:39:59If you just move it down a little bit away from your nose. Has anybody ever told you they can hear you breathing into the phone? Do you hear that? We tell them every day. You don't hear? I don't like the Mikey show. He loves the Mikey show. Why is it on speed dial? You call us every day. Because I can't get Jagger and Christy's show in very good. So just listen to your iPod. Listen to your iPod. I don't like to listen to my iPod constantly because it hurts my buzz. You have internet. So turn us, if you don't like it, turn the channel. I don't get any other statements. Watch TV. What about online? What about online? You're supposed to be all about the music, and all I ever hear is Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Stop playing Worlds of Warcraft. Just to get an idea of what you're into, like what other kind of shows are you into there, buddy? I don't like... Okay, I'll tell you the shows that I like on television. All right, let's hear that. I like Trek. I like... It's Trek. It's just Trek. To you, it's just Trek. You know what? This guy's a fan of mine. Let's not irritate him. Okay, okay. Keep going. I have every episode of Roseanne on VHS. Weird. That's great. I used to write for that show. And I like CSI Miami. Kind of weird. Okay.

2:41:20and I like any show that has to do with audience. Wow, that was a buzzkill. What about Dancing with the Stars? You like that show? I like Dancing with the Stars, Little House in the Burry, anything on Hallmark. I like Lifetime shows. I like any series that comes on Lifetime. I'm a fan of Oprah, and I like anything that Tom Arnold does. Anything that Tom Arnold does. I really want to judge this guy, but... Sir, if you can get on my mailing list at TomArnold.com, and please help spread the word. Do you have any movies available right now on Criterion Edition? You know what? I actually got a couple movies. Do you remember a movie I did with the governor of California called True Lies? I love that. Yeah, and, well, that movie's available on DVD right now. You know Jamie Lee Curtis? Well, I used to, but she changed her phone number because of me. And she'd write stuff on her body space about going to the park, and I'd show up at the park when she was there. I met her at the park one time, and I asked her about Octavia. That's really what it is. What did she say about that? It keeps her regularly. That's poop yoga. So you take those things that celebrities endorse, you kind of take that pretty close to heart then. Anything a celebrity endorses, I'll take it. Mikey's a celebrity. Do you take? Yeah, yes.

2:42:43You do? Okay, good. You don't take AIS. AIS is insurance. Why don't you take what you think you take and I'll take what I think I take. Very, very delicate guy. Bye. He has trouble hanging up the phone. Trying to fit the cleat. You're still breathing in the phone. Are you there? It takes him forever to hang the phone. He can't line up all the little sleeves. He can't line them up, and he tries to line them up. Weird guy, but a great fan. I want to give him two tickets to Fourth and Me this Saturday night. There you go. Buzzkill, you can call back, and I'll give you those. Take a quick time out. Come back. There's probably a million songs in the world that make women cry, but what do you think the top ten songs are that make most men cry? We'll tell you. I know one of them. I know one of them. What is it? I think one of them is Cats in the Cradle. We'll see when we come back. Welcome back to Mikey Show. 570-1949 is the number if you want to give us a call. And you can also text the Mikey Show. It's 949mikey at gmail.com. If you want to get a hold of us by text. Craig Gass is in the studio with us this morning. Yes! I am back! And...

2:44:22He's got a lot of celebrity friends that stop in with him. Yeah, it's not enough for me to be working on shows like Family Guy. I know I need the backing of someone like Tracy Morgan to be able to sell tickets. That's right. That's right. Saturday night, 4th and B. That's why you come down. I'll be in a white van making a porno out in the parking lot. Oh, my. I'm all in. That's a true story. I'll be in there with him. Of course. Me and Lauren doing a movie. Craig Gass. I call the man in back. Craig Gass just... Man and back. Man and back. Yes! Craig just asked Lauren if she wanted to go on stage at 4th and B on Saturday night. I haven't said yes yet. You haven't? I'm nervous. She's very cautious. I propose. She's playing coy. That's my deal. She's going to need to run it by her people. I'm dangling the carrot. Well, B-Rob is going to be like... What is he? Host? Host. He's MC. He's MC that night. And so he'd introduce you, which would be really crazy. But he's cool, and he's been cool. I saw B-Rob. I had to go judge that Miss Mission Beach contest. I told my wife. It was work. Hey, honey. It's work. It's for the show. What do you want me to do? So he was there, and I saw him. And, dude, hey, what's up? Because we talked on the phone, and we knew each other from Eddie's wedding.

2:45:42Totally cool. I mean, there's no bad blood. How was the Mission Beach? It was great. Dynamite. Filthy. It was about nine hours of sitting out there. Filthy. Girls are just, you know, so hard to look at. It was so tough. It was such tough work. Women in San Diego, without question, a step above everything else on this planet. They really are. It's because the weather is so nice here. Well, except for this year. Do you have this list? You know I have this list. Who are you talking to? Let me take a look. You want to take a look at it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Let's just change up the pattern. 570-1949. Ten songs that make men cry. Angels by Robbie Williams. Never heard of it. I don't even know that song. I don't either. You know it. I'd know it if I heard it? Yeah. I'm loving angels instead. Yeah. Never heard of it. You ever heard that? No, I have no idea. Unchained Melody. Yeah. Really? That makes men cry? That makes me cry. I know that. Wait a minute. I want to get a woman's perspective. So you're hanging out with a guy, Lauren. And Unchained Melody comes on. And the guy looks at you and he's tearing up. What do you think of that guy? I would start laughing and go, are you crying?

2:47:08Do we get a mold clay? Do you miss Patrick Swayze? I love you. That's too soon. Yes, we do. That's phenomenal. Streets of Philadelphia. Bruce Springsteen. Really? No. These are not songs that make me cry. Lauren's laughing at everybody. Elton John, Candle in the Wind. No. I'm not going to cry about the royals, okay? The British royals, I could care less. No, but what about the little boy? Yeah, the kid. Danny White, was that his name? The little boy? Ryan White. Ryan White. That was for him. I thought it was for Princess Di. Both. He performed at Princess Di. Maybe write an original song for Princess Di. Maybe don't rehash all your stuff. Hey, man. Who's a kid? You can't write a new song for this kid? Who got it first? Well, first it was for Marilyn Monroe, but then he sang it at his... Yeah, that's three people, three celebrities trying to pawn this song off on. Maybe write some new stuff, Elton. Bernie. If it were me, I'd pick an Elton John song. But it would be... Sorry seems to be the hers. Bernie, it's Elton.

2:48:15I can't use the same fricking song for three people. Ryan White is dead. Princess Diana is dead. Okay, right, but listen to me. I can't. You need to write some new material, man. Hang on a second, all right? First of all, you're getting way too upset about it. I'm losing my mind. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Three people in the same song. Hang on, hang on. Hear me out. This is crap, man. It's bollocks. Okay, wait a minute. If you use it and repackage just a little bit. Think of it this way. Maybe pick up your pencil and write a new freaking song. Because I don't want to write a new song. This one's always been written. The work's been done. Maybe I do Rocket Man for someone next and we just keep, you know, we just, I do it for the astronauts. How about that? Maybe you get prissy about everything we talk about every time. You're fired, okay? I'm fired. You're fired. I'm fired. Sorry seems to be the hardest word. I picked that. All right. The Drugs Don't Work, The Verve. What is that? Oh, that's a good song. What the hell is that song? I haven't heard it either. Well, and then Ben Harper redid it, right? Yeah, I can play it, but I'm not going to. All right, I'll give you a second of it. It's so good. Let's see. This is The Verve? Yeah. You know The Verve. I don't know what single song is. Yes, you do. No, that's The Verve Pipe. The Verve Pipe. I'm sorry. The Verve. They're so good. Okay, I like that song, The Verve Pipe. So good. Hi, Hill.

2:49:35Here we go. Here's a second of it. I've covered this in my gigs before, by the way. It's the best. Never heard it. It's so good. Download it right now. That's a direct order. U2, with or without you, yeah, I'll agree with that. Nothing compares to you, Sinead O'Connor. Privately, yes. Privately, yes. Privately, yes. But wait a minute. U2, though, song selection is wrong. Which would you pick? What do you think I would pick from U2 that would make me cry? Come on. Come on, man. One. One. One is this song. One is good. With or without Mary J. Blige? Out. Without. What? Terrible. I like that version. Sinead O'Connor, Nothing Compared to You. I've wept to that song. Really? For sure. Yes, 100%. I mean. Privately. I've wept, but. I've wept to that song. Craig? No? I've danced to that song. Well, I might have. You know my story. I'm very sensitive. I cried, and Mikey knows this story. I actually cried, I counted six times to the movie Stuart Little.

2:50:59Oh, yeah. Who doesn't? What about the time you and a bunch of comic friends went to the movie because you didn't have anything to do? Well, we paid for one movie and then we snuck into a second. Yeah. And the second one was The Notebook, right? It happened to be The Notebook. None of us knew anything about it. They didn't know what it was. They didn't even know what it was. Well, because it was a Friday morning and it was the only other new release. And it was like, well, I've already seen this one. I was like, well, let's go see The Notebook. That opened today, too. And it's like, what is it? It's supposed to be good. I don't know. Yeah, man. We walked in, and the movie opens up this amazing view of this lake with these birds flying off it in slow motion, and you hear Garner, James Garner, says, I didn't accomplish anything incredible in my life. I didn't really do anything that anybody would ever know me for, but I did one great thing. I loved one person. With all of my heart and I was watching it going And the movie ends and they peel away layers of this story and you find out that this woman he's coming to help out in this

2:52:16home who has got Alzheimer's, you realize that he is there to read and tell this story and it's their story. And then you realize it's their story that she wrote. And then you realize at the very end, he comes in and lays down with her and they die together. And just so many layers. Were there any of your other friends, the comics that cried or was it just you? I kept looking away. I was like. You guys walk out of there. And the lights came up. They're like, all right, let's go. And I was like, where's my... Where's my wallet? I dropped my wallet. Where's my manhood? Where's my manhood? Where's my manhood? Let me go look for my manhood under this seat. I left it somewhere in here. Top three. Here's the last ones. Top three songs that make men cry. Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen. I like the Buckley version. You know that song? No. I don't either. Come on. How do I not know this song? Everyone's done it now. It was in like Shrek. Really? You know the last two. Wait, wait, wait. I want to hear Halloween. Can we hear this? Everyone's covered it now. Because look, I love to cry. That's not it. It doesn't sound like an emotion. It doesn't sound. I'm not crying. Here we go. You ready? All right, here we go. Let's hear it. Here it is. That's not the right word. That's not the right word. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You know what? Jeff Buckley did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2:53:43Here's the Jeff Buckley version. This is the third most popular song that men will cry to. Hillary just walked in. She's probably ashamed for me that I don't know this song, right? Hallelujah. That's shocking. That is shocking. I don't know it. Here, here, here. Here, here, here, here. Nope. Hillary's microphone. I don't even know this. This studio is so fancy that you have an extra mic. Yeah. Just plug in. Yeah. Just plug and play. I love that. Thank you. You got it. Maybe. Okay, number two. I agree with this one. All right. Wait, wait, wait. Can we guess? Yeah, guess. Does anybody have any guesses about what other songs? I saw it. I'm about to play you the number one. More Than Words. Is that it? Are you serious, Lauren? That one doesn't get me. No? It gets me. I'll be there for you, Bon Jo. That's a good one, Hill. That's a good one. November Rain. Oh, oh! I can tell you the one that kills me every time. The most beautiful song ever. What? Peter Gabriel, In Your Eyes. That's great. By Your Side, Sade. Who's making out with me right now? I love that song. I weep at By Your Side by Sade. It is... Number two? Tears in Heaven. Oh!

2:55:04Because the story. The story, yeah. That's brutal. You know what's interesting about Tears in Heaven was that there have been two songs in my life, and they're not my favorite songs. They're just songs that I heard them, and I thought, that song is perfect. Like, it's so well done, and it does what it's doing so well that it's perfect. That was one of them. I'm getting goosebumps right now. Tears in Heaven. And the other one was... The other one was... Welcome to the Jungle? No, no, no. It was sad. It was sad. Starry to Heaven? You know where you are. What's the song? It's Been a While. It's Been a While by Stain. That is a good song. First time I ever heard it, the first time I ever heard it, it was so honest. Everything that he was saying was so honest and painful. I thought, that's perfect. I don't know if I cried.

2:56:01But it's so personal, and it's so deep. Every line of a song by Don Henley, I'm trying to live without your love, but I miss you sometimes. I'm learning. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Learn to live without you now. The more I learn, the less I understand. All the things I thought I'd... Been trying to get down to the heart of the matter. That's a jam. And... Forgiveness. I think it's about forgiveness even if you don't love me anymore. That song is powerful. Okay, so the number one. You ready? No! Is that the song? That's what they say. Top 10 songs that make men cry. Are you serious? When the day is long... Yes! That video was so sad. Everybody hurts. Yeah. Where'd you guys get these kazoos, man? What? I'm crying that I'm not getting a kazoo.

2:57:27Everybody cry. Yeah, sad. We're all weeping. There you go. So that's supposed to be the number one song that dudes cry over. I'll cry. Hillary is in. And Hillary, what are you going to be doing today? Totally going to play Everybody Hurts. Don Henley. I grabbed, what did I grab? The Dead Weather Record, Autolux, Stevo, just a couple. I'll, you know, I'll pick out some good stuff. Sweet. Yeah. Sweet. Craig will be back with us on Friday. And Craig, you are performing this weekend at 4th and B. At 4th and B. I am. The new guy on Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show. And I am not going to be on the new cast of Saturday Night Live, but I will be performing Saturday night at a show that will be hilarious. And it will be live. And it's 4thNBEvents.com. 4thNBEvents.com. And the phone number, 619-231.

2:58:274343. That's good, dude. And I only know because I keep calling him to make sure the website's updated. I'm like, hey, the link's not up there. Are we still good? And LOB, he asked LOB, and LOB's got a mull. I'm mulling it over. She's mulling it over. She's playing coy. See, you're with a carrot, and she's like the little bunny coming out. And you can tell because when I first dangled the carrot, it was like, oh. Oh, wow. I don't know. I go, so you want to? Is there poison on that carrot? Yeah. Oh, there's like an O, and then it's like, okay, so you want to do it. Do I have to sleep with a black guy to get the time? She's kind of thinking, but not. Oh, no, Lauren. No, Lauren. Yes. Holy cow. I love you, Lauren. Oh, my gosh. Lauren, don't listen to them. All right, listen. Hang on, hang on. Focus on me. Focus on me. Listen, lovely and talented. Hillary is up next, and we'll see you tomorrow morning. Lauren's got to open with that on Saturday. Mikey shows out.