The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 10/05/10
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tuesday October 5, 2010
Lauren’s pretty, pearly white teeth spark mouthwash talk. The Kid just doesn’t get Conan O’Brien. An old geriatric judge loves him some stripper enough to buy drugs for her and take the rap. An unremorseful Frenchman who swindled his own country will be getting frenched real good in jail. Those poor miners trapped still trapped in the shaft in Chile might just get out by Halloween. A man pulled over by the cops admitted to having weed on him but has no idea where the cocaine in his butt got there. What’choo talkin’ ‘bout Willis? Bruce Willis tries to gets us excited for his latest movie. WoS updates the NFL’s most model citizens with reports on Michael Vick’s injury, a juiced up Charger, and the return of Big Ben. Jay’s fillet fern calls in to confirm its love for discarded banana peels and proceeds to fillet the whole cast. Ridiculous real 911 calls are next. Rebecca wants Mikey to take Salsa lessons and his lackluster reaction prompts her to reveal Mikey uses an orange sippy cup at home! The gang duct tapes 94/9 Promotions Director Adam to the studio wall Woods wants to torture the guy with a habanero pepper from Mikey’s pocket. The platform Adam was standing on is finally removed and he stays stuck to the wall like a sticky booger! LOB gets excited for tongue and skeeves Mike out with how she deals with her salad. Woods reports on more bedbugs at a local fire station and Lauren proves she knows a great deal about hoses. Speaking of expertise, a report on male grooming habits tests Mikey’s. States with the worst drivers gets Sarah Palin upset, you silly-willy-billy-nilly! DYD points out combative guy at airport security checkpoints and The Kid admits doing a DYD himself with his new car. The gang appreciates the musical genius of Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys. Witchy woman Christine O’Donnell puts out a commercial saying she doesn’t really own a bubbling cauldron or ride a broom. The topic jar asks about running away from home, recycling, stereotypes, and flirting. Nitta wonders if Mikey was in prison because of all his tats and still can’t figure out why Rebecca didn’t marry a tall, handsome man like Woods. I her country, Ken Leighton would not be writing on bathroom walls, let alone for a newspaper. Captain Buzzkill calls in to pour on the guilt. A man’s grooming no-no’s make LOB look more tolerant than Mikey and Woods. Toasted Skin Syndrome is a danger to Mikey and his nude lap-topping habit. New Release’s has the new Toby Keith music that scares Mikey. Buzzkill calls back in a huff when the gang laughs it up imagining what he looks like. Jay creeps on Hilary’s description of the tattoo on her back.
Bumper Music
| 1. Somebody To Shove by Soul Asylum |  |
| 2. Bulls on Parade by Rage Against The Machine | |
| 3. Cum On Feel The Noize by Quiet Riot | |
| 4. Still Remains by Stone Temple Pilots | |
| 5. Bitch by The Rolling Stones | |
| 6. Fly By Night by Rush | |
| 7. Can’t Hardly Wait by The Replacements | |
| 8. Halo by Deep Blue Something | |
| 9. Surrender by Cheap Trick | |
| 10. Don’t Worry Baby by The Beach Boys | |
| 11. New York, New York by Ryan Adams | |
| 12. If You Could Only See by Tonic | |
| 13. Love My Way by The Psychedelic Furs | |
| 14. Singing In My Sleep by Semisonic | |
| 15. I Walk Alone by Oleander | |
| 16. All The King’s Horses by Robert Plant | |
studio stuntscrime odditieslitteringabsurd emergency callsmarriage bantertravel etiquettepolitical advertisingchildhood runawaysrelationship boundariesradio contestslistener feudsradio comedy
Mikey, Woodsy, Lauren O'Brien, and Jay mixed a real studio stunt with call-in comedy, most notably duct-taping Adam to the wall and attempting a kazoo name-that-tune contest. They retold the strange cases of Judge Jack Camp Jr. and a suspect who claimed cocaine found between his buttocks was not his, then played absurd 911 calls and Christine O'Donnell's "I'm not a witch" ad for jokes. Rebecca embarrassed Mikey by exposing his orange "sippy" cup after he tried to dodge salsa lessons, while the hosts traded childhood runaway stories and debated whether seed shells count as litter, how travelers should behave, and where flirting becomes cheating. Captain Buzzkill closed one of the sharpest exchanges by confronting Woodsy over a report about a drunken incident, prompting Woodsy to admit he got in someone's face but insist he was never arrested.
What happened, in order
Adam Taped to the Wall
Jay led the crew in wrapping promotions director Adam in duct tape, removing his platform, and watching him hang against the studio wall before he wriggled free.
The Judge and the Stripper
The hosts covered federal judge Jack Camp Jr.'s drug and prostitution charges and rejected his lawyer's claim that the scandal was merely a private marital matter.
The Butt-Cocaine Alibi
The crew reenacted a suspect's claim that marijuana hidden between his buttocks was his but a matching bag of crack cocaine found there must have been left on his car seat by someone else.
Do Seed Shells Count as Litter?
After a driver scolded Jay for spitting sunflower-seed shells from his car, the hosts argued over whether shells, apple cores, and banana peels are litter or harmless biodegradable material.
911 Is Not for Meatballs
The show played examples of people calling 911 over marijuana, overflowing toilets, meatball recipes, wrong fast-food orders, and a requested police escort to a Lil Wayne concert.
Salsa and the Orange Sippy
Rebecca called to challenge Mikey's attempt to dodge couples salsa lessons and then revealed that he had formally designated a silicone-wrapped orange glass as the only cup he wanted at dinner.
Dude, You're Dumb: Travel Edition
Mikey and Woodsy roasted travelers who argue with airport security, shove toward the baggage carousel, cannot identify their luggage, or take multiple parking spaces to protect an expensive car.
I'm Not a Witch
The hosts played Christine O'Donnell's campaign ad opening with her denial that she was a witch and argued that leading with the denial only made the issue sound stranger.
Running Away from Home
Lauren, Woodsy, Jay, and Mikey compared childhood escape attempts involving woods, a friend's house, a barn, a bicycle, and a wheeled suitcase.
When Flirting Becomes Cheating
Mikey and Lauren argued that secret messages or behavior a partner would hide can constitute cheating, while Woodsy initially drew the line at physical contact.
Name That Kazoo Tune
Mikey, Woodsy, Lauren, and Jay played songs on kazoos for callers, with Jay's nearly unrecognizable performance becoming the funniest part of the contest.
Captain Buzzkill vs. Woodsy
Captain Buzzkill confronted Woodsy over an article about a drunken confrontation, and Woodsy admitted getting in someone's face while insisting that no charges or arrest followed.
People mentioned
MikeyChris WoodsLauren O'BrienJayAdamRebeccaSiennaWillJack Camp Jr.Bill MorrisonApril McGillChristine O'DonnellRenee SanchezCaptain Buzzkill
30,381 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
it's a Mikey show and I'm the host of the program my name is Mikey and I'm 40 years of age and I shave my head regularly with a razor I use a I use a brand of shaving cream for something called the rolling razor and it works really good and I order it on the internet. I do everything on the internet. Yes, you do. You buy post-it notes on the internet. Yeah, like Stonehenge. How'd that work out for you? Not very good. I ordered post-it notes on the internet, and when they came in the mail, they were little, tiny, almost thumb-sized post-it notes. They're like three by three. Three by three? You mean centimeters? They're like one inch by one inch? They're tiny. They're probably seriously...
They're probably four inches by four inches. No. Three inches. Three inches. No. You have a weird perspective of measurement. You do. That's why you think you're so big. Probably an inch and a half, I'd say. An inch and a half? Yeah. You guys know what an inch is? This is three inches, my pointer finger. This is an inch. I guarantee you that that. That's three inches? That is not three inches. What? No, maybe not. What's an inch? It's two inches. Two by two. Maybe. All I can tell you is that it was like Stonehenge in the movie Spinal Tap. Either way, I don't know what you use these for. Nothing. You can't. You can't use them. Like one number you can write. One word. One word. Like you can write get on it. I don't know what people use those things for. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. Woodsy's our sports guy. He's wearing a... We found a use for them. Put things on your head. L.O.B. wrote the word get and put it on her forehead. Woodsy is our sports guy. Looks sharp today. He's got his hairs all dead. He's wearing a V-neck sweater. It's freezing outside. It is. It's the Arctic. I almost wore my neck cap too. L.O.B. is the pretty blonde girl. She's got the blue eyes, the blonde hair, the 29 years old.
She's got the whole thing rolling. White teeth. Whole bit. Real white teeth. Talking me into getting those teeth whitening strips. I stopped doing those. You did? Bad for the environment. No, they're bad for my gums. They hurt. They made your teeth white, though. I only used them for three days, and then the next day I used them, my gums were like... It worked, though. You know what's really good for your gums? Snuff. Copenhagen Long Cut. It's real good for your gums. When I use Listerine in the morning, I'm like... Me too. Imagine mine. I use Scope, and you're supposed to use Scope for 60 seconds, and I start rushing that stuff around, and I'm like, this is nothing. And for 15 solid seconds, it is nothing. And then after that, it's like I have sulfuric acid in my mouth. Yeah, try Listerine. It's 50 times worse than Scope. 50 times. They had a whole commercial campaign about, like, you can do it. You can do it. 60 seconds. But see, I think that Listerine tastes filthy. But there's different flavors now. You don't have to use the old gasoline paint thinner. But it's still got that Listerine flavor in it. I got one. I like to burn. It's purple. That's the word I'm looking for. Purple. And it's delicious. Yeah, but I bet it still tastes like a hospital smells. It burns. It burns so bad. Yeah.
It can't be good for you. I feel like the more that it burns, the more that it's killing germs. Yeah. Let's see. Jay is wearing the knit cap today. He is our producer. And guys, the oldest guy on the show looks like the youngest guy on the show. It's unbelievable. And Will is our phone screener. It's Will. It's Will. It's Will. And you are the M1s. You're M1 Nation. You make up the core of our listeners. And there's websites devoted to fandom of M1 Nation. M1site.com is one of them. MikeyShow.com is one of them. Facebook slash MikeyShow? Is that it? The MikeyShow, I think it is. There it is. Try them both. You'll get there. 570-194-9 is the number. And at the beginning and end of every show, we do open phones so you can call about anything you want. Nation. Anything you want. It's just Mikey Show. Facebook.com slash Mikey Show if you want to like us. And also follow us on Twitter. Mikey Show followed by our name. So I'm Mikey Show Mikey. Mikey Show Woods. Mikey Show Lauren. Mikey Show Sienna. Mikey Show Jay. You can follow all of us on Twitter. And I look at my Twitter status always and go.
I don't really have very many people following me. Me too. Yes, you do. I really don't. I don't either. You have like 2,000 people following me. I know. You do? Yeah. I have like 300. Oh, really? Yeah. Well. Well, let's quit crying over there. I guess. Peter Pan. Wow. I feel like I don't have very many. I have none. It doesn't matter. I bet Ashton Kutcher probably is like, I don't have enough. Yeah. It's all part of my insecurity, I guess. I don't know. It's a shrink session or what? I don't get it. I still don't understand Twitter. The more you do it, the more you understand it. I will never understand what a hash sign is. I know what hash is. She explained it yesterday. Are you amongst, Woodsy, the group of people that has to say, I don't get it. Come on. What do I need? What is a hash mark? Next time you see the pound sign with something followed by it, click on it and you'll...
Begin to understand more. Pound guitar. You'll see all these users. Everybody talking about guitars. Yeah, exactly. Why do I want that? Pound STP. It's people talking about Stone Temple Pilots. You might want to follow other people that also talk about guitars. Why would I want to follow some random guy that likes the new STP record? I don't know, but people do. I don't know. Why do people join chat rooms that talk about guitars? To meet little kids, probably. That's why they join chat rooms. That is real weird. I don't do it. I've never been in a chat room in my life. That's okay. Or maybe meet your wife in the chat room. Something like that. I get it. Okay, okay. I understand. Okay, okay, okay. I see these Twitter feeds and I'm like, oh, hieroglyphics. Wonderful. And I go right back to Facebook where everything's nice and sweet for me. You don't have to use them. Conan doesn't use them. He doesn't? I don't. He says one witty thing a day. Drives me batty. I don't think they're that witty. I think yours are funnier. You got me following, L.O.B. You got me following Conan O'Brien. And I'm like, guy doesn't really, like. He gets me. He does? He gets my funny bone. Man, not me. I'll come right out and say it. I've never gotten Conan. I've never, ever, ever gotten him. I get the joke, but I don't really think it's that funny. I mean, I think the stuff L.O.B. puts is, it is witty, but it, like, you know how there's stuff you watch on TV and in your head you're like, that's funny, but you don't go, ha, ha, ha. Like, L.O.B. stuff makes me laugh out loud. Oh, yeah, me too. And, you know, we know her.
We know her, and so I picture her when she's making these funny little comments. I'm like, so L.O.B., you know? I loved her yesterday one. Please, please, please yourself or something. Oh, I had a public service announcement yesterday. What was it? Just because you have an expensive car doesn't mean you can drive or park however you want. That's right. That's good. It's great. I like it. I've just never gotten the... Fuss over Conan O'Brien. I'll say it right now. I've always been a Letterman guy. I've never, like, I've watched Conan before. I've been like... Conan is smart humor. I guess I'm a dunce. No, he's the one that's smart, not me for liking him. Jay, what's the price for word of the day? We have a four-pack of tickets to SeaWorld to see their new Halloween Spooktacular. Okay, cool. And what was the value on it? $236. That's a lot of money. All right, so sometime between now and 10, you'll hear me say the following word. Sequoia. Oh. Sequoia. Nice, L.O.B. Yeah, mixing it up. Yeah, L.O.B. comes up with the words. That's great. And so, you know, I'll somehow weave that into normal conversations. You really have to pay attention when you hear it. Caller 9, 4-Pack to SeaWorld. Let's see. Oh, and so yesterday, we are all sitting around and we're going.
What can we do on the show tomorrow? That's really cool. And Jay goes, why don't we tape one of us to the wall? And I go, tape us how? How do we do that? He goes, with duct tape. I go, it can't be done. He goes, yeah, I can. He goes, you could tape somebody to the wall. I go, are you sure? He goes, yeah. I go, I ain't doing it. Woods goes, I'm not doing it. And Lauren looks at us like, really, guys? And Jay goes, I ain't doing it. And we go, what are we going to do? I go, I don't know Will enough to tape him to the wall. Will's like, guys, I just want to answer phones. You really want to tape me to the thing? Who's going to answer the phones? And Jay goes, what about Adam, our promotions director? I go, perfect. Bingo. Let's do it. He called me yesterday. He did? Yeah, he heard the promo. Yeah, because we didn't even tell him. We didn't tell him. We didn't tell him. We just put it on the promo, and we were like, tomorrow we're taping Adam to the wall. He was like, yeah. What's this all about? It's like, hey, we just need you to come in. Come in at about 7, 7.15, we'll show you. I love it. He's like, why? No reason. Because we can't. Yeah, because we can't. Because it's going to look funny. Yeah, it is. So don't worry about it. It's going to look hysterical. So at 7.30 this morning, our promotion director is going to come in here, and we're going to duct tape him to the wall. That guy has done nothing but just go to battle for it. He's done nothing, but...
The best job ever. He's the greatest. He's the greatest. So because he's so great, we're going to duct tape him to the wall. Absolutely. He's like, man, I hate to see what happens if I do a bad job. I know. 570-1949. Call us. Say hi. I wonder if he'll let me shoot him with BBs while he's on the wall. Oh, my gosh. That's great. That's great. They're defenseless. Yeah. So there are a lot of big stories out there. One of them is the judge that was buying drugs for strippers. Another one is this weird French guy. Another one is how we're really close with these Chilean miners. And the other one is the guy that had cocaine in his butt and said it wasn't his. So all of these stories are real, and we will tell you all about them. So first, the judge. What's the deal? Well, there's a federal judge in Georgia. His name is Judge Jack Camp Jr. He is 67 years old. Mind you. Oh, my. Yeah. Maybe fish. Yeah. Maybe drink iced tea on the porch with your old lady. Yeah. You know? Maybe whittle. Maybe whittle. Yeah, maybe whittle. No, right? Well, he has been charged with, get this, possession of cocaine, possession of marijuana, and the painkiller Roxycodone, which I've never heard of. That's Roxaset. Okay, I've never heard of that. You know what it is? Uh-uh. They're all the same thing. Roxaset, Oxycodone.
Percocet. It's the same thing under a different name. Okay. Well, he's also charged with possessing a firearm as an unlawful user of controlled substances and with aiding and abetting the possession of drugs by the stripper who had a prior drug conviction. So he was paying her for sex also, and they were carrying on and cavorting and buying a lot of drugs, doing a lot of drugs. He's 67, dude. He was doing drugs with the stripper? Doing drugs with her. And he was like, hey, listen, you got a record? I'll buy the drugs. Don't worry about it. Well, she turned on him and went behind his back and was, you know, promised immunity for drug possession or whatever to rat him out. And, yeah, he's pretty much toast at this point. So he posted $50,000 bail, and he's got a long road ahead of him as a 67-year-old man judge. Creepy. Federal judge. An old guy doing a bunch of bad stuff. Bad stuff, dude. Isn't that nuts? Think about 67-year-olds that you know. My parents are in their mid-50s. And if one of my parents was doing this, I'd lose my mind. You know, I know how crazy this sounds. Even if that guy was 37, I know that this is going to sound crazy. But even if that guy was 37, I'd feel sorry for him, even though he did it. And the reason I do is because...
of the, I can't get out of my, I make bad decisions. I make bad choices. And I know he made the choice, but I just in my head go, oh, I wish you hadn't done that because it's going to be painful what you're going to have to go through. And I wish you hadn't done that. Because I, you know, even though, even though it may be a true fact that you deserve what's going to happen next, it's still sad that a human is going to go through that pain. Yeah. His attorney. Bill Morrison said, quote, this is really a case between Judge Camp and his wife. It's not a case of Judge Camp being a judge. It's a case of Judge Camp being a husband. I don't think so. I don't get that. What does that mean? He's saying, hey, guys, you know, this doesn't have anything to do with him being a judge. This is a this is a husband that cheated on his wife. It's a domestic thing. You know, we shouldn't try him in the court of public opinion because he's a judge. Well, shouldn't we? Yeah, because he's a federal judge.
Who has spent his entire career sending guys away. Working for justice. He spent his entire career having to discern between right and wrong. It's a great point, dude. It's going to be tough for the dude at home with the old lady. It's going to be a lot tougher in that courtroom, I can tell you that. Yeah, it is. Yeah, I don't think a judge is going to have pity on him. Right. What is the deal with this French guy? Man, this story was like the top story everywhere. This guy's name is Jerome Curville. Which is a weird name for a French guy. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. He was on trial. He bet 50... billion euros which is about 61 billion dollars of a french bank's money without its knowledge so he's been sentenced to five years he'll serve two nothing five years it's like this is a this is walking park for me i'm doing the wrong voice by the way
Frenchman, I have to, this is French, right? Is this French? This is nothing for me. I do this, what do they call, cakewalk. Jerome, why would you do this? Because I, for two reasons. One, I can do. How do you say in America? Because I can. Because you can. I say, because I can do, okay? And then... The other reason I do is because it is a lot of money. I buy French Riviera boat. I buy women. I buy a judge. I buy bad judge. I call him and I say, how much will it cost for me to actually own you? You are a topical news story. How great will it be if I frame him, put him in home, and then friends come over and say, Who is this man framed on your wall? And it is great conversation piece, I say. He is judged at butthookers at 67 years old. Well, you are about to go to jail for a while. Oh, please. Are you looking forward? Five years. Five years, he'll serve two. I will serve two. Oh, three, I'm sorry. I will serve two. You had that right first time. I will serve two. This is like nothing to me. Two years in prison? No.
I will have a little cell that will have everything to make me comfortable. A little pan to cook food in and cut up garlic very small with a razor blade to make that sauce taste just right. Not too much onion, though. Not too much onion. That does not taste good. This is nothing. French guys. French hate Americans. They hate us so much. They hate us. This is what I hear. No feelings mutual. You know why? Why? Why do you hate us? What do we do to you? You come here to our country and you want us to speak your language. Right. Okay. Why don't you learn to speak the beautiful French? I don't have any interest. I like girls. You come to our country. Girls like French. If you come to here. French girls. If you come to here, you should learn to speak. I don't want to. It will make life much easier for all of us. You know why else we don't like you? Why? Deodorant. You always have to wear the strong deodorant. You guys. Secret Menin. Degree. Degree. Arid. Arid extra dry. Old spice.
Old spice. Arm and hammer. Not necessary. Right guard. A real man smells like a real man. A real man smells like a foot, then, is what you're saying. Like you have a clove of garlic in a headlock. Yeah, a real man should smell like corn chips and vinegar. Ew. Together. Well, mission accomplished for you, Jerome. Together. Together. Jerome. M1L from San Marcos, hi. Morning. How you doing? I'm doing well. Say good morning. You guys mentioned how cold it was this morning. I just have to say it put the biggest smile on my face. When it was cold? Yes. I'm originally from the East Coast, and I miss it. I've been so homesick lately for the weather. Man, Elle. I'm telling you, I feel like we've had this for all summer long. I feel like it's been kind of chilly and, you know, overcast.
I went to rain and I opened up all my windows in my office and I did a little dance at my desk. Oh, wow. You're digging it. Maybe you quit doing rain dances. We did that at the beach yesterday. Went down to the beach yesterday in the mist and the rain. It was kind of cool. I got on the couch and pulled the blanket up to my chin and didn't move for six hours. I know. Running in the rain. Yeah, it's so cool. I'm still sick of it after a few days. Oh, for sure. It's nice. I like the rain. It put me in a good mood in the morning, and today I was extra happy because of the weather. Hey, thank you, Elle. We appreciate you. I heard it's going to be dynamite this weekend. Really? I heard it's going to be rainy all week and then great this weekend. That's what Mrs. Woods, the weather lady, told me. Sabrina, have you heard anything about it? Sabrina's our weather girl. I haven't. There's not an update. Yeah, maybe you Google it. Maybe you check it. Go to weather. What's the website again? Weather. Or you can just go to yahoo.com and look at weather. Click on weather. Weather. Yeah. Or weather.com. W-H-E-T-H-E-R. No. What is it? W-E-A-T-H-E-R. Oh, that weather. Yeah.
Let's see. San Diego. She thought we meant like whether or not. Whether or not. There's one E in San Diego. Oh, sorry. She put S-A-N in all one word. S-A-N-D-E-E-G-E-O. San Diego. Yeah. She goes to UCLA, by the way. Oh, my God. How did you get into UCLA? Sorry? What? How did you get into UCLA? What do you mean how? I applied? Have you seen the new library at UCLA? It's called the Booze. Actually, it's called the Hilt. What is it? The Ritz? The Ritz Library. Yeah. Weird. She's an heiress. My booze would never do anything like that for me. Heiress of the famous Ritz family. Well, it's going to be... She's gorgeous, though, right? Today. Beautiful girl. Guess what? Tomorrow is 69. You can tell she's 21. Look at the weekend. It's going to be so sunny. 77 and 78 over the weekend. Isn't that perfect? That makes me even feel like doing something touristy. It says for the golf index, it's 10 excellent. Whatever the heck that means. She's giving us the golf index. G-O-L-F.
Golf? You guys should go hit some balls. If you want to play golf, it's going to be excellent. Maybe we say that we'll do that and then we don't. Typical. Do you know I'm filling in for a pastor at church this weekend? At a church? What? They do that kind of stuff? Really? I guess you have to. Kind of by accident. I'm speaking. So I'm filling in. He's not going to be there. But you always speak. But he's not going to be there. I'd be like, thanks a lot, Mike. I really appreciate it. Right, because whenever I do this, there's usually, like, the main guy's there, and I do my 30 minutes, and then he does whatever else. So are you going to do the whole service? Yeah. Wow. Are you vomiting? A little bit. A little bit? You know, kind of, but kind of. That's not really true. I'm not. Why did I just say that? You're nervous, excited? I felt like I needed to say, yeah, I'm nervous, but I'm really not. Really? You should do Fire and Brimstone up there. Excited? No, I'm not a Fire and Brimstone guy. What's Fire and Brimstone? Pounding the pulpit. Fire and Brimstone means that your whole message is like, you better straighten out or you're going to hell. Be safe! Yeah. Like what I grew up with. Do you need me to come and play sound effects? No, I don't. Play drops for your show. No, I don't. I do not. Okay, okay. Let's see. Oh, and if anybody's interested.
It will be at Calvary Chapel Ocean City. That's pretty solid, dude. Congratulations. Yeah. So there's a breakthrough for those miners that are stuck in Chile. Yeah. So these guys have been down there more than 60 days. And I'm sure. I cannot imagine that. This is, you know. Oh, my gosh. The weird thing about this story is that this, getting them out really is only the tip of the iceberg. I mean. what they're going to go through after even they get out. They've been down there for so long, and that's what they're really worried about. But they have developed this thing, and it's called the Phoenix. And the Phoenix is a capsule that we talked about. It's going to kind of slither down there. They're going to grab the guys, pull them up. They're saying it's going to be soon, like maybe within a week. Oh, my gosh, a week, though. When they get these guys out. The same people that are working on the BP oil spill. Yeah, exactly. Like, dude, I want to know all about this. Now I'm really interested, and I don't know why I'm just barely getting there, but I want a high-definition documentary on the National Geographic channel about what they've been through. Officials say they expect to have them above ground between October 15th and October 30th, so it could be.
Longer than a week. Maybe almost a month. You know, I know it's easy for us to say because we're sitting up above ground. Going to bed. Going to bed. But, you know, going to the bathroom. Going to the bathroom. Toilet. Seeing our families. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for these guys. You know, and they know. If they can give them kind of an idea, it gives them something to look forward to. It gives them something to cling to. Yeah. But the capsule is equipped with an oxygen supply, communications equipment, retractable wheels to help it travel up the shaft and escape hatch in case anything goes wrong. But yeah, it's six foot four inches high, feet high. And it's going to be a tight squeeze, dude. It's 21 inches across. Oh, wow. There's got to be dudes that are not that well, maybe by now. By now they probably are. Some of them have lost close to 20 pounds, it says. Wow. Here's a question, because they've all been wearing the same clothing for that long. My question is, whatever the company is that they work for, that they're down there working for this company and stuff, you're the company boss, like the CEO, and you're having to come up with, okay, so how long do I let them be off work?
Oh, my God. They filed bankruptcy. Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. They filed bankruptcy? No, no. The company? So these guys get out of there, and then they don't have a job? But we did a story about probably about a month ago where these guys have job offers up the wazoo at this point. They do? Oh, yeah. They're like, hey, get out. You come to work for us. I got it. And the book deals. Yeah, all kinds of stuff. When we come back, we're going to tell you about this guy that had cocaine in his buttocks and said it wasn't his. We'll tell you about that. Oh, and by the way, in Woods on Sports, Woods is going to tell you what the official diagnosis from Michael Vick is because he got clobbered in the rib, ribitorial area. I think they diagnosed him as a sadist. I'm not sure, though. Hold on. Let me pull it up. I'm going to double check. Ever give anybody a second chance? Yeah, it's right here. It's on ESPN.com. Michael Vick diagnosed as a sadist. Oh, stop. Yeah, there it is. I got it. Ever not forgive people?
Yes. Is he going to miss any time, Michael Vick? Oh, and how's Andy Reid feeling right about now? So all that. Don't forget word of the day, Sequoia. We're going to tape our promotion director of the wall at 7.30. That sounds hysterical. This is our job. Word of the day is Sequoia. So when I weave that in to a sentence between now and 10. You, M1s, call in. 570-194-9. And if you're caller 9, you get a four-pack SC World ticket. It's worth $236. $236. And then don't forget, at 7.30, an hour from now, we're taping our promotion director to the wall because we can. Doing it with duct tape. That's right. That's right. 570-194-9 is our number. If you want it.
And if you want to text us, 949mikey at gmail.com. And then Woodsy will be telling you the official diagnosis with Michael Vick, how long he'll be out, what the deal is, blah, blah, blah. Do that in a little bit. In just a couple of seconds, actually. So tell me about the guy that had the cocaine. So this is in... Manatee, which I don't even know where it is. Isn't that an animal? Yeah, it's an animal. I got this from the BradentonHerald.com, but it was a national story. A 25-year-old man got pulled over by the cops, normal traffic stop. And they smelled marijuana coming from the vehicle. And he goes, well, yeah. By the way, I hate that smell. To me, it makes me nervous. The smell of pot makes me nervous. He said he smoked the night before. Yeah. So the smell was still in there. And they said, okay, well, you guys go ahead and search the car. They searched it. They found a little bag of marijuana. Then they started feeling him and searching him. Patting him down. Patting him down. Well, it says, while searching his person, deputies felt a soft object in his buttocks. Yeah. I don't know.
I don't know how. Maybe they were patting his butt. And they felt something? And they felt something. Well, so then he goes, hold on. I'll get it. Pulls out a bag that contained 4.5 grams of marijuana. Well, then they said, do you have anything else? He goes, no, I don't have anything else. And they go, what's this? They felt something else. Pull out a bag that said it had 27 pieces of rock cocaine. It was 3.5 grams of cocaine. That's a lot of blow. Wow. And he goes, oh, oh. The weed is mine, but the white stuff isn't mine. It was on the seat when I sat down. What? I must have sat on it. I let my buddy in my car. Well, okay, sir, but, excuse the pun, but did you get in your car nude? Yes, I did. You did? I put my pants on when I was driving. Yes, yes, yes. That's what happened. Can you tell me? How that happened? I was leaving a girl's house and I had to run out. Her mom came home, so I ran out real quick. You were love making. Yes, I'd been making love. And so you left there in a rush. Smoking marijuana. Smoking marijuana. You left there in a rush. Yeah. Now you said that the marijuana was yours. Yes. Okay, so you placed that there when you were rushing out? Her dad is a cop. Uh-huh. Which we can check, by the way, but go ahead.
He's a retired police officer. He knows a lot of cops. He's a security officer. He's a security officer. You misspoke. Okay, got it. I misspoke. Got it. He would be really mad. Mad at you. So I... Put it there. Yes. And then you ran out into your car. Yes, and I jumped in the seat. Your car, and you jumped in the seat. Somebody must have thrown it on my... Seat? My seat. I think my buddy I gave my car to last night, and he left it there. He put it there in the driver's seat. It's not mine. And it isn't yours. No. And when you... Got into the car. I got in really hard, you know. You sat down hard. And when you did, that bag of cocaine, which, by the way, is in the same brand of Ziploc bag as the marijuana, which is yours. Yeah, that's mine. I'll cop to that for sure. And so it's just a coincidence that the same exact bags holding different drugs ended up in your buttocks. Correct. Okay. You know what? You're free to go. I'll just pay the ticket. Yeah. Let's just have you pay the ticket and you're free to go. I can do that. Because that is a very believable story. It's a crazy story. It's a crazy story. Totally believable. Happens. It's totally believable. Happens all the time. I think that it takes extraordinary bravery to even attempt that story. Yeah. So you know what? You got me. You got me on the pot. It's in my butt. Yeah. But the other stuff, not mine.
Bruce Willis has a new movie called RED, which stands for Retired Extremely Dangerous. Incredible acronym. Like, hey, Hollywood guys, maybe put your head together a little bit. Yeah. Retired Extremely Dangerous. It's an action movie? It's an action movie. Retired Extremely Dangerous. And it's like... It's a common between retired and extremely. Yeah. And it's a movie about... obviously older action kind of guys. Didn't he just do this movie called The Expendables? Thought he did. But I guess he's doing it again. Because it works so good. I like Bruce Willis. I always have. But I like him when he acts. Like when he does... Like the Sixth Sense? Sixth Sense. He was dynamite in the Sixth Sense. Dynamite. Unbreakable. He's cool in that. He's good in that. He's really good in that. He's a very likable guy. He really is. Anyway.
So here he is talking with Dave Letterman about a little confusion he had with the premiere of the movie. Did you see the billboard out on Broadway? As a matter of fact, for Red, yes, I did see that. Huge billboard of me out there. It's coming out. Red. It's a dangerous film. I had a little problem the other night at the premiere. the billboard is right over flash dancers. And I thought that's where they're... Strip club. Is it really? Oh, man. I thought that was where they were having the premiere, and I got stuck in there. Oh, you went in there? Oh. See, dude. I'm in there about five, five hours, I think. But I'll tell you what. Different kind of show. Great buffet. Different kind of show. Great buffet. Great buffet. Great buffet. There you go. Is there anything worse than eating at a strip club? I didn't know you could. Oh, yeah, you could. It's disgusting. I've never, you know, back in the day, I used to go to strip clubs. Don't anymore. But back in the day, never ate there. You didn't? I don't think I went to ones where they had food. You did. I did? Because I've been with you, but I don't think you ate. I ate. What kind of food did they have? They had, like, remember, what was the place in Dallas? The station we worked for was all about it.
We always had a promotion there at the lodge or whatever. And they would have the prime rib buffet. And you're eating and you're looking at naked girls and you're eating. That's weird. Prime rib, it was weird. They always had a tab and they'd always keep bringing out appetizers. Yeah, I never was a big fan of eating in those places. That's so strange experience. Yeah, it's strange. Anyway, here is Bruce talking a little bit more about this movie, which I'm still trying to decide if I want to see. It's an ambitious movie because you could make a movie about a comedy or action. humor, and we put it all into this film, and somehow Robert Schwenke... Really? Made up name. Robert Schwenke? Bob Schwenke, you know him. He didn't go through anything in high school, right? Skated right through it. Not one person gave him a hard time. No more Yankee my Schwenke. Yeah, exactly. Sure he's never heard that one? No Hanky Panky Schwenke. Never heard that once in his life. The director made it work. And we didn't tell everybody what RED stands for. Retired. Extremely dangerous. Oh, man. And that's what comes to mind when I look at you. Must miss. Must miss. Yeah. I'm going to have to agree with you. Unfortunately, that's a must miss. What if we did this real quick and we heard some stuff about Michael Vick? Got a bunch of stuff today, pal. Yeah, we do.
Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. Well, Michael Vick was on a radio show yesterday, and he said, usually I'm a fast healer, so we'll have to see. It won't be no more than two weeks, hopefully, hopefully. You purposefully read that quote. I read a quote. You purposefully read the quote. Here, I'll read it again. It won't be no more than two weeks, hopefully, hopefully. Dude, he's bright. Oh, stop. Yeah, maybe speak English. But basically the... Maybe he changes his life. No way. F that guy. He will never get a break. Maybe he changes his life. Yeah, he was in a shooting two months after he got out of prison. Oh, boy. Guy's a real straight shooter. Listen, he's changed his life. He's turned his life around. Saw him. I saw him healing little... leper kids along the streets of Philadelphia the other day. Andy Reid said he does not have any broken bones, but the cartilage between his second and third rib might be cracked. Dude, I bet that hurts. You know what I bet's fun? I bet that hurts so bad. You know what I bet's fun? Sneezing. Sneezing. Coughing. Laughing. How about taking a snap and taking five-step drive? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm going to send the guy some pepper. Yeah. Brutal. There you go, buddy. Sneeze it up. He'll be fine. I'm sure.
Nice to see that you and Jay give people second chances. Yeah. There's a couple things that are almost unforgivable. Yeah, that's one of them. Yeah, I agree with you, Jay. Thank you very much. Did you watch any of the football game last night, Monday Night Football? Not a second. Not a play? You were out on it from the get-go. You didn't like the matchup. No, you were right. I think the Patriots are exciting, but the... The Dolphins Patriots doesn't do much. Chad Henney doesn't do it for you. Yeah, and Tom Brady is handsome, but he's got a helmet on the whole game. So what am I supposed to do with that? Sideline. Just wait until he's on the sideline. They show a shot at him. Look at that handsome dude. He sure is a sharp cat. Well, the Pats went out and knocked the crap out of these guys this night. 41-14. Listen to this. Brady only threw for 153 yards. Randy Moss didn't even have a catch in the game. Not one catch. First time since 2006. Oh, snap. Yeah, so they scored touchdowns off a blocked field goal, a kickoff return, an interception return. They also blocked upon their special teams was the exact opposite of the Chargers special teams the first few weeks of the season. That game sounds like reading a book about economics. Yeah, yeah. 41-14 was your final. Here is Captain Fantastic, Tom Brady. Cut one. I played on a great team for my entire career.
It's 100th game. I'm privileged to be a quarterback for this team. I hope I'm here forever. What about Giselle? What'd she think of you? You handsome devil. God, what a couple. Gorgeous couple. Their kid's probably not going to be very attractive. Have they had a kid yet? Or talented, yeah. Is it a boy or a girl? I don't know. No matter what. Where's Sienna? Yeah. I know. It's a girl, you guys. Come on. Hello. Idiots. Also, some news out of Charger camp yesterday. Steve Gregory was suspended for four games for violating the league's policy on performing enhancing drugs. Yeah. He has no idea that happened. He said, I have no idea. It happened in May. Listen, again, I'm going to sound like a nut, but I feel like these dudes know. that anything they put in them is going to get them popped. Yeah. Which actually makes me think that he's innocent and really did because they know so well that they're going to get popped if they do that it has to be an accident. That's what my mind... Devil's advocate would say to you, all right, hey, I'm going to be taking this supplement. Is this cool? Maybe it wasn't a supplement. It was. It was? That's what they said. That's what he's saying.
Yeah, he said, I've never knowingly used any form of performing enhancing. But yeah, he goes, I'm responsible for everything that goes to my body. I appealed the results. He didn't get the appeal. He's out for four games. And Norv is not happy. He said, I'm disappointed he won't be with us the next four weeks. Supplements? Yeah. Maybe just eat oatmeal for breakfast. I know. Maybe have a glass of orange juice. Finally, guess who's coming back? Who? Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben. He'll be back. I'm not a big fan. I mean, he's actually done. Kind of the right things from what I've heard, from what I've read. Really? So that guy allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah, he's never been convicted of anything. And now is that why you give him the break? Yeah. Yeah. If he gets convicted of rape, you think I'm going to be a Roethlisberger guy? No. Ever. But he hasn't been convicted. Right. No, it's an accusation. So are you a fan of OJ? No. OJ Simpson? He wasn't convicted. He's in prison. Well. On different charges. Right, but he's in prison. Yeah. I wasn't an OJ fan anyway. Because he went to SC. Yeah, he went to SC. Who lost, by the way, this weekend. You think I was going to get through the week without mention of that, Val? Oh, my gosh, you didn't even say it until Tuesday. No Huskies! You said it on Tuesday. Yeah. You think I was going to get the whole week? Of course not. Right, all right. Well, Roethlisberger's coming back. He's not really sure what his reaction's going to be, but they asked him about it. Cut three. I have no idea. I have been, you know, if I...
Seeing people out in public, it's been a lot of warm embraces, a lot of can't wait to get you back, keep your head up. So there's been a lot of very positive feedback from the fans. So I would hope that there's going to be some encouraging cheers and some good things. Probably. Yeah, I'm sure there will. Probably. They cheered for Donovan McNabb. He's beloved in Pittsburgh. He's got, what, two rings for them? Yeah. Winning solves all, I guess. That's what's on sports, buddy. All right. Let's see. So I thought this was great. This is interesting. This is something that pretty much everybody can relate to in one way or another. Jay said that yesterday he's sitting in a red light and he's waiting for the light to change and he's eating sunflower seeds, right? And he's spitting the shells out the window and the lady sitting in the passenger seat in the car next to him says, you know, that's littering. Hmm. So light changes. I was dumbfounded. Light changes. They drive away. And it bothered Jay all day long. He couldn't stop thinking about it all day long. And he's thinking to himself, so I guess like banana peels, apple cores, is that littering too? Well, Jay says that like when he goes bike riding or when he's, you know, on a trail, he'll leave them, but he pulls the little...
paper label off because that's not biodegradable. It's compostable, so it's better than just throwing out cigarettes. Because it'll eventually break down or maybe animals will eat it. It's not littering. It's like a leaf falling. They used to tell you if you go into the forest, even if you leave one orange peel there, you can change the entire ecosystem. So you're not technically supposed to leave that stuff behind. Woods is pretending to put a pistol in his mouth and shoot it. Just to be technical. I get out of the car here in the mornings, and if I have a banana peel or an apple core, sometimes I'll throw it into the bushes because I'm like, oh, it'll just help fertilize it, you know? I do the same thing. That's not littering? It is littering. If I got a ticket for it, I'd be like, yeah, I did. It's candy. Why do you throw an apple core out? Because it breaks down. It actually gives back instead of going in the trash. Can an animal eat it? An animal could eat the rest of the apple. All right, question. So when you walk into your yard, you throw it in your yard? I put them in my plants, yeah, for sure. You have a compost thing? I have a compost. Would you throw it on the street right in front of your house? No. How come? The sunflower seeds I would. Why not the apple? Just because it would look hideous. That's unsightly. It is unsightly. But isn't it unsightly if you do it anywhere?
No, like L.O.B. said, if you toss it in the bushes and maybe a little squirrel gets a little taste and then it breaks down and nutrients back into the soil, I get that. But I wouldn't throw apple cores outside of my house. But I'd throw them in the bushes, put them inside the plant. I don't know. I mean, to me, it sounds like garbage. I have this hanging fern that loves bananas. I put banana pills in it all the time. So you're telling me that this fern. Stag, whatever it is, fern. Loves bananas. Is that right? Yeah. So apparently the fern has told you and been like, Hey, Jay, it's me, your friend, and I love when you can eat bananas. I love bananas, Jay. Read it on the internet. Did you? Fern. Fern loves bananas. I don't know, man. To me, it sounds like garbage. She's right. If you throw anything out the window, it is technically littering. Keep your eyes on your own paper to quote Woods. Hey, listen, I don't think that she has, and you guys hear me say this all the time, that I think it's okay to feel any way you want to feel. It's just not okay to rub it all over somebody else's face. Okay, now, kind of, both are, in my opinion, both are doing it. Jay feels that it's not wrong to throw seeds on the street, which is fine to feel that way, but then he actually does it.
This lady feels that it's wrong, and then she decides she's going to rub it all over Jay's face by piping up into his business. Well, couldn't she just be doing her civil duty to tell him he's doing something illegal? No, I don't think she's doing her civil duty. Well, I think that doing her civil duty would be to report it to the authorities. I would love a ticket for spitting sunflower seeds on the street. You could get a citizen's arrest, right? Mikey Show, hello. Hello, Mikey. Hello, who's this? This is Jace Fern. Hi, Jace Fern. How are you? I'm glad that you called in. Thank you. I heard you guys talking about me. I do love bananas. You do? Yeah. See, now I feel like a fool because I kind of implied that you... Well, you know, fish you fit. Yeah, yeah. Well, I implied that you didn't have feelings and that you were in fact a fern. I am a living, breathing fern. Did I tell you it's a filet fern? It's a filet fern? It's a filet fern and I do love bananas and sausage and... All kinds of things. You love bananas and sausage. I love sausage. So do I. You love sausage? Yeah, delicious. I caught that, Albie. I don't get it. Dirty little bird. Unless it's turkey sausage. Right, or tofu sausage. But I tell him it's not sausage. You ever throw tofu in there? Absolutely. I'll eat whatever, man. You know, I need nutrients, much like yourself. How about nutrients like...
Water. Not cupcakes, Mike. Really? Yeah, so it is the filet fern just fileting me up real good. Sound real different on the phone, filet fern. Yeah. An L-O-B. Yeah. You found a black eye yet? Yeah, just going to sit there and filet her too? Yeah. It's about everything, huh? I didn't notice there was one person you haven't fileted yet. Hey, Jay. Easy, filet fern. Maybe bring some fresh food home for a change of your... Don't bite the hand that feeds you, Filet Fern. One of the cheapest men around. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Easy, Filet Fern. You can't be throwing old, dilapidated fruit into my pot. Yeah, you know what? I get the leftovers. Yeah, I bet that banana peel sits in there for eight months. It's all the stuff that Jay and his nine kids won't. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. Jay sits there and he throws garbage into the fern. You know, it doesn't break down right away. Chris Woods, by the way. I don't know, but you haven't filleted him at all. The guy's a slub. Look at his workspace. Ridiculous. That is true. I'll be home a little after 10. That is true. I gotta go. All right, thanks. Thanks for the call. That's Jay's Fern. That's Jay's Fern calling. M1 Pete from San Diego. Hi.
Yeah, technically Jay wasn't littering because in California there's a law that clean water and chicken feed and feathers can be thrown out of cars. Yeah, but that doesn't say anything about sunflower seeds. Don't chicken feed seeds? He was throwing away the shells. Hey, technically that's feed. I don't know. I've never seen a chicken take a sunflower seed spit it out. You know what, Pete? You may be right. Okay, I get it. I wonder if that's true, Pete. Is that true? Come on, Pete. Grow up, Pete. It really is? I can throw chicken feathers out of my car? Oh, my God. I can't wait. All right, we're going to look. I'll tell you what. Thank you. If I had been at that light, and depending on the mood I was in in that day, if she had said a word to me about me spitting some seeds out, I would have gone Jack Nicholson. I bet he would have spit. The seats at her. Absolutely. I would have slung my dip cup at her. Ooh, I would have gotten her real good. That would be horrible. That makes it sound like you have a temper. Yeah. Weird. Really? Just like this guy singing, pal. Everybody loves weird 911 calls. People call 911 for really weird reasons. So the Today Show yesterday did a segment on it where they...
played a bunch of them, or we'll play you this segment. This guy. This guy that calls 911 in Florida calls for probably the greatest reason I've ever heard. It's next. What is it? That's STP? Yeah. Sorry it took so long for me to get back. I'm scarfing food down because we only have so much time to eat breakfast. Gross. Seems like the commercial breaks are just getting shorter and shorter. Yeah. Well... It seems like that, but they're actually, it's the opposite. They're getting longer. Oh, really? Well, in some ways. I'm like shovel food down my face. That's how I eat when I'm at home now, too, which is lovely for the whole family. Word of the day is Sequoia. And so the deal with that is that when you hear me work that into a sentence, caller nine gets a four pack of SeaWorld tickets. I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. That's Lauren O'Brien. Sienna's not here. She's out on maternity leave. Got a sweet text from her yesterday.
Miss her so much. She'll be back soon. Did you see what she just put on our fan page that she was running around the house screaming, It's a boy! It's a boy! Tom Brady's kid. I knew that Sienna would know. You guys! Idiots! Jay is our producer. And at 7.30 we're going to tape Adam to the wall, our promotion director, with duct tape for no reason. Hopefully he doesn't call in sick today. He's probably driving in like, yeah, you guys. Real funny. Yeah. Once you guys get, all of you. So I have to tell you about Rebecca, but before I do that, I want to play this for you. Oh. This is a segment that aired on the Today Show about ridiculous 911 calls. You just never know when an emergency will strike. Yeah, see, everyone's definition of emergency is different. Well, cops did come give him a ride to jail. Same with this guy.
I'm positive. So 911 is if you're dying. Do you understand that? Apparently not. At least not around Florida, where so many of these urgent matters spring forth. I don't know my address. Well, this guy also didn't know he shouldn't call police to report the theft of his marijuana stash. The list goes on. My toilet's overflowing. What do I do? I need to know how to make meatballs. And the lady says, man, that's not an emergency. It's an emergency. I have company coming over. April McGill has fielded calls you can't even imagine here in Broward County. It was like, um. Seven years of which are some degree of this. She's screaming in my ear. I wanted the sausage, and he gave me the burrito. He's trying to force me to eat something off of me that I don't want. And this is what happens. Mute button. I cannot believe this foolishness. What are some definite no-nos? Like if it involves your toilet? Toilet? Your turkey? I know you don't seriously think that the police need to make Burger King give you food faster. I ordered two sandwiches.
You didn't get the right sandwich. That's not an emergency. Even if your lunch break is only 30 minutes, that is not an emergency. We're all grown-up little kids. We're all grown-up little kids. Some of us are grown-up morons, too. I ordered two sandwiches. I got one. I need my chicken. I need a police escort to Lil Wayne. That's shocking. Yeah, it is. Why would anyone need that? Because he's late? Yeah, because you're late. Or a helicopter. Yeah, or the helicopter. I'm open either. Why would you ever think the police would be like, oh yeah, you, Bob. Sounds great. Bob Smith, no problem. I'll tell you how you think it. The same way that my wife thought that I take salsa lessons with her. What? Well, our Mexican Mikey. Can't you give the lesson? Yeah. Can you grow up salsa-ing? I would love to see video footage of you dancing. 100%. Yeah. This is a big misnomer. Many people think that if you're Latino, you're born with the ability to salsa. Yeah. Not true. That's true, because you can't play baseball either. Oh, boy. That is a true statement. You know? I cannot. But, yeah. Oh, boy. Why? Because our Hungarian...
Nanny Nita. Nita. Take the salsa lesson. Take the salsa. I learned how to shake booty. Yes. American style. American style. Well, she learned in Hungary. In Hungary. Hungary. In Hungary. She learned in Hungary, and she's good at it. And she does it, and it's fun. I love to salsa on the weekends. So my wife. It's like shimmy, shimmy, boom, boom. That makes my mouth water. Is that the saying in this country? Jay, you're a creepy SOB. Yes, you are father of 12 and you make jokes like this. You old man that live in shoe and you say pervert things. You have daughters younger than me. Than me, you make creep jokes. That makes a lot of sense to me. You have great grandchildren younger. Younger than me, creep. You have boys that hang really long. Yes. Jump up with them. Oh, man. That got weird. So she tells Rebecca that she does this, and Rebecca thinks that that sounds like something that... It's perfect. It'd be fun. I took tango lessons.
Yeah, but does she know who she's married to? It's Mikey! Mikey? Please. L-O-B, it's Mikey! Am I going to take pole dancing lessons? Like, you know, am I going to do that too? No, but this is something that couples do. L-O-B. That's something that, like... couples that are healthy. No. You are healthy. No, no, no. What I mean, I don't mean healthy in the marriage. I think we have a healthy marriage. Part of the reason that we do is because we know that one of us doesn't do salsa. You're healthy, Mike. You're not unhealthy. Aren't I? You're not like the picture of health, but you're not unhealthy. None of us are the picture of health. None of us are. Jay and Lauren are the pictures of health. No, we're not. Yes, they are. I was feasting on fries at lunch yesterday. You had four fries. Yeah, and she's feasting on them. Feasting. Mikey ate most of my fried chicken. Stop it. You have to be talking out of school. You don't have to tell every story. That was my tweet yesterday. And his pastrami sandwich. No, he barely ate his pastrami. Yeah, because he was feasting on my chicken skin. Typical, he wants what he doesn't have. Stop now. No more about me. I think you should go. Oh, boy. There's no way you can do it. You can't do it. Why not? Of course. Did you dance at your wedding? There's no way.
Do you dance ever? No. You guys don't go clubbing together? No. I danced in Dallas one time, and I was dancing fine, and a friend of mine made fun of me, and I'll never do it again. And there was nothing wrong with it. He was just a bully that was the type of guy that would bully about stuff. And so I never did it again. I've seen you fake dance before, and you have rhythm. You're good. See? Thanks. You're welcome. Well, then go. Do your little salsa class. I'm not going to. I'm telling you, Mike. If Jamie came to me and said, babe, I really want to do this, I'd say, listen, I don't ask you to come play baseball tonight. I don't ask you to play softball. I don't. It's a couple's activity, though. Guess who's on the phone. Hopefully Rebecca. Yeah. Hello, darling. Oh, honey. Somebody's trying to be cool for the radio. No! Really? Really? When I brought it up, it seems like you really liked the idea. Really? Now all of a sudden, we're so sad. Why would I do that? Define I thought it was good idea. I told you that I thought we should go and you were like, yeah, that sounds really fun. First of all.
I didn't say, yeah, I think that sounds really fun. Were you in the middle of writing an email when you said it? Was he watching something versus something else on TV, Rebecca, at the time? I like man versus wild. You like stuff versus stuff. I like man versus food. I like that. Man versus computer. It's in development. She said, you brought it up, and I go, huh. No. No, you did not. I said, what did I say? You go, yeah, that sounds really fun. You should look into that. It's called dismissive behavior. And unfortunately, I think men are the best at dismissive behavior, Rebecca. You guys will be like, when did I say that? I didn't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that same man shouldn't go on the radio. Rebecca should have her own show. She really should. Dish the dirt with Rebecca. Maybe you don't have to tell the world about chicken and eating chicken and conversations that I believe to be private at the time. This is what the people want to know. Is it? Does anybody? Nobody does. You got to let them inside. Really? They want to see.
Maybe I shouldn't tell anybody about your orange sippy cup, either. What? Oh, he just got shot. He looks like he just got shot. What? He looks like he just got shot. What happened? He's hiding his face. He's hiding his face. He has a sippy cup. Oh, he does. He has his own special cup. It's his own special cup. You know what? Did you get it at Sir La Table? Yes, of course he did. Of course he did. There is no way that this story gets told. Accurately. You're a gay man. No, I am not. I'm a normal man. I'm a normal straight guy. You're gay? Because you macrame yourself a pair of jeans shorts. Shut it. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Please let her tell it. Everybody vote. I go Rebecca. Thank you. Everyone in their car. Rebecca. Yeah. So, he comes to me about a week ago. He's super serious. Please don't tell this story. Jay, turn this mic down. And he's like, hon, you know how sometimes I'm really particular about having my pen and stuff like that? And I go, yeah? And he goes, I want to show you something. And in my head, I'm going, oh my gosh, what, what, what, what, what?
So he leads me into the kitchen and he opens the cupboard. We were in the kitchen, so you're already out. Stop talking! And there are two new cups in our cup cupboard. And they both have an orange, cushy, like, I don't know, hand holder. It's silicone. It's silicone. Excuse me, silicone. And he says, from now on... When we have dinner, I only would like to have my drink in one of these two cups. It's priceless. He's just standing in the corner. And I was quiet for a second, and he said, they're perfect. They're the perfect size, the perfect material. They feel perfect in my hand, and they hold just the right amount of fluid. And I was quiet again. Little stunned. You know who's not stunned right now? Jake. I'm not stunned at all. Yep. And then I said, you know what, hon? That shouldn't be a problem because you know why? Jake has his favorite purple sippy. Oh. Lukey has his blue sippy. Rai Rai has his green sippy. And now you have your orange. Daddy has his orange. She calls it my orange sippy. Of course. Of course she does. All of my kids have their preference. Oh. Well.
She calls it my freaking orange sippy. He says, come here, I want to show you something. And you have to show her. It's the greatest. It's the greatest. You know what? That's what healthy marriages are built on. You know? And communicating. And letting your partner know your likes and dislikes. Likes and dislikes. So now every time she goes, babe, she says in front of my parents the other day, she goes, Babe, do you have your orange sippy? And I looked at her like, really? With the orange sippy? Because I was trying to get drinks on the table, you know, for dinner. And I looked in the cupboard and there was no orange sippy. He was very specific on wanting only that for his drink. I had to ask him if he had it. Can I tell you how much I love that glass? It's a glass, a small glass, but it's covered in an orange silicone that makes it easy to grip. Of course it feels good in your hand. It's silicone, pal. Yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And it holds exactly 16 ounces of fluid, which is a little over one can of Coca-Cola.
So do you have to hand wash it if it's got a silicone? Yeah, you can put it. It's dishwasher safe. Huh. Where was it purchased? Surlatab. Surlatab. Fancy. I sent Woods a picture of the Surlatab sign, and he wrote back, he texted back, you're a giant gay wad. More than likely. I would like to see a picture of this sippy cup. Rebecca, honey, take a picture with your phone. I can take care of that. Take a picture with your phone. Rebecca, thanks for always having just gold. And I will also send you some pictures of him salsa dancing when we go. I'm going to need video of that. Wait, wait, wait. Maybe you guys do it at our next meet and greet. That would be great. Oh, that would be wonderful. It's killing me. It's killing me. Right, hon? It's such a good idea. Oh, yeah. It's a great idea. Okay, okay, okay. It's killing me! It's killing me! Honey, maybe we... You know what, babe? You know what, babe? You know what? Yeah. I'm still in recovery from my surgery. Oh, yeah. And I think that at this juncture... Delicate juncture. I think that at this delicate juncture, the last thing we want to do is...
We'll be patient. The doctor would be good. I think the doctor would say it's good for you. Good exercise. We will be patient. Yeah, and you know, today actually is six weeks out from surgery, which is when you're supposed to resume normal activity. Yeah, look at that. Who's counting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't have to bend over or anything. You stand actually pretty upright during salsa. This is Michael's doctor. Oh, hello, doctor. Hi, Dr. Rush. Hello. Hello, Rebecca. Hello. I just want to say, I don't think this is a good idea for Michael. I think this is not a good idea for Michael because... Are you sure this is Dr. Raj? I'm positive that this is Dr. Raj Kapoor. It's weird because Mikey's standing in the corner with a bullhorn. No, he's not. Nobody's on the phone. No, he's not. Jay, is anybody on the line? No. No. Totally dead. I'm here. I exist. I'm here. Hello. Testing one, two, three. No, I'm not falling for this. I don't think that Michael should...
I do any salsa dancing. How long do you think? Probably, you know, not very long. Two years. Some weird feedback there from the phone. Yeah, that is odd. I love you, babe. I love you too, honey. We love you. We love you, Rebecca. I love when you call in, do I? We do, we do, we do. All right, honey. Anytime. All right. Gold. I'll see you. When I get home, we should have like a separate podcast of Rebecca. I would love Rebecca needs her own show. She needs her own segment at least. She's brilliant. That's what it's like when she calls in. Oh, I love it. You're the only one that doesn't like it. Yeah, literally. I think that you overestimate the Rebecca calls. I don't think so. I do. I do. Are you out of your mind? No, I think. That, what is that? Ratings going up? What was that? Yeah, it's ratings going up. It must be Mikey. Whose phone is that? Is that a phone? Is it? Is that, whose phone is it? It's not this. What is that? What is that? What the heck? It's your computer. No, it's this. Is it? Is it ringing? It's ringing. Oh my gosh. Hello? Turn it up. No, we don't want to turn it up. Who knows? Oh, sorry. Must be the wrong number.
This is Mikey from the radio. I must have misdialed. I'm sorry. Okay. Sorry, ma'am. What the heck? What just happened? I misdialed somebody. A mistake. Trying to call in. I was going to be my doctor on this phone. And you hit somebody? And I accidentally called somebody. And they called back. And they were like, how is that? And I... What? You just called me! And I said, well, you heard my end of the conversation. My heart started racing. I'm like, yeah. She heard the whole thing? No, no. Oh, you mean we heard it. I hung up because it didn't work. Oh, man. I misdialed. Maybe she calls in all the time. I have fat fingers. Maybe we call her back right now and put her on the air. Who is this? Who is this? Why are you calling me?
I'm calling here. It's 7 o'clock in the morning. Oh, my gosh. Was it Howard Stern's mom? Yeah. Hello? Hello, Howard. Why are you calling at this hour? Your father and I are asleep. You don't call here anymore. Quit calling. Don't. I didn't sleep all night. I couldn't sleep, Howard. I took a Tylenol PM, and I'm still groggy. Is this Mikey from the radio? Oh, the Mexican with the bald head. You're so cute. You're so short with your bald head. And you're short with a lovable head. I don't get it. Is your show funny? Is it serious? What is it? Is it for fun or for laughs? What do you do over there? Why don't you play a number every once in a while? A number. So we can dance. When I was young on the radio, they would play a number so you could dance. They didn't do all this talking. Where's all the music? You're always talking. Sit down and relax. Oh, boy. That was weird. That was so funny, dude. Well, we're going to tape our promotion director to the wall with duct tape when we come back. And we got all kinds of cool stuff, so we'll go on.
Picture my sippy on our Facebook page. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, that's happening, isn't it? Yeah, we're taping them right now. It's on our webcam. We've got the webcam on. I was too busy feasting and reading about baseball, and then I looked behind me, and there's a dude taped to our wall. Oh, Adam. We're duct-taping Adam, our promotion director, to the wall. You need some help? Do I? Mikey can do that little woods for a minute. That looks fun, huh? Yeah. Does that hurt, Adam? No. He's got a platform that he's standing on. Jaybird. Will it actually hold him? Oh, yeah. No way. Can I shoot you and your boys with a BB gun? So are we going to pull out that platform when he's all taped up? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. He's standing on a platform, and then we're going to take it away. We're going to slip it out. So you can go to MikeyShow.com and then watch live. Yep. And you can watch us.
Be sadist. One, two, three, four. He's got like seven, eight pieces across his whole body right now. You know what? Strangely, I bet this is not the first time Jay has duct taped somebody to something. He probably does it to his kids on the weekend as a bitch. Are you sure that's going to hold? Little Jasper. It really will hold. Just duct taped to the ceiling. He looks like a mummy. Is Adam not one of the most mild-mannered guys ever? He is the greatest. And for such a mild-mannered guy, Have you ever seen somebody talk more smack on a fantasy football? No. He is so mild-mannered, but when he gets on that fantasy football, he will light you up. Oh, he will. He'll get you. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. Is this your vindication? I am not saying it. When he says stuff on there, I'm like, I'm not saying it. I stay away, too. I'm like, ooh, I don't want to be in the filet fern. I'm not going to be in the filet fern. You know, Adam just beat me this week and ran quite a bit of mouth. So as I watch him tape to the wall, I wonder once his... No, it's not. I wonder once his hands are taped to the wall, what I can do to him. Maybe to get him back.
Oh, boy. Maybe a little jalapeno in his nose or something. Mike, give me one of your jalapenos that you bring with you every day. I don't bring jalapenos with me every day. Empty your pockets. Give me a habanero. I don't have habaneros in my pocket. Give me your little thing that you hold your habanero seeds in. Just because I'm Hispanic doesn't mean that I just carry around habaneros and habanero seeds. Doesn't it? Give me a jalapeno then. If you don't want to give me your habanero, give me a jalapeno. All right? You're a jerk. What can I do? I don't know, but it's so funny. You can go to MikeyShow.com. Maybe I tickled him. Wait, though. Woodsy, wait. His arms are buckled. He's already getting taped to the wall. Don't torture him. 570-1949 is our number. Maybe don't run mouth in fantasy. Maybe win a game. I won one. Maybe act like you've been there before, T.O. Okay? That is so great. I love how he's still talking smack. And he's taped to the wall. He's taped to the wall. He's still got it. You still got it, Adam. How about highlighter across the forehead? No. How about cut his hair? Give me those scissors. No. How about some lipstick? How about some lipstick? Is your wife listening right now, Adam? I didn't tell her about this one. Oh, no. Do you have lipstick, L.O.B.? I have chapstick. Oh, come on. It's not so different. Come on, Sienna. Where are you? It's tinted chapstick. Guys. Yeah. My goodness.
Why don't we make him into a Christmas tree? Or a sequoia tree? Or a, like, why don't we make him into a... We can decorate him. Did you see Jay's plumber butt crack? No. I didn't. You didn't? I did. Oh, boy. Yeah. All hairy. Disgusting. So much for this breakfast I was about to finish. Oh, my God. He's taped to the wall. I can see how this does work because... It looks like he is on there securely. Dude, that is a ton of tape. Go to MikeyShow.com and you can see this right now. Oh, my God. Mikey Show, hello. Sequoia, he said it. That's right, dude. That is right. Sequoia tree. That's right. You are correct. Hang on the line, will you, sir? Yes, sir. Hang on the line. Very nice.
That is going to be fantastic when it's all done. I'm almost mad that I didn't do it. Really? That it wasn't me up there. Really? Yeah, I kind of want to be... Because it looks fun? It looks fun. And what's going to be fun is when we pull the platform and he's like... And he's stuck again. You can't. Yeah, you can't. I know. You guys better catch him and see if he does. Yeah, don't get him killed. Hey, did you guys run this through me, by the way? I didn't hear anything about it. I didn't see a permission slip on my desk. Maybe we should move the Taylor guitar out of the way. Yeah, I'm going to. You guys wait until Demick's out of town. Get me fired. That is our program director, Garrett. Garrett! Garrett. You know, we tried this in Seattle once. Tommy and I did it in Seattle once. Tommy died. Tommy doubles died. Yeah, came back alive, and I hired him again. I hired him again. I killed him three times with the same duct tape bit. Kept hiring him. I hired him back. Oh, my gosh. Maybe you guys run it through legal, morons. Hey, Mike, question. I know we built your own series. I mean, you can do whatever the hell you want.
Is that the new bit? Yeah. Hey, Mike, how many stations do you want to be fired from in 12 months? I'm about to abandon you, too, pal. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You're out of your keister, pal, all right? Hey, by the way, speaking of breaking news and crazy stuff, and we weren't actually speaking of breaking news, but we just sent Will down. to go get breakfast for us, and news crews were out there because the CBS on Frazee and Fryers got robbed. I go there probably three days a week in the morning to get my Pop-Tarts, my Almond Joys, my gum, whatever I need. And that's really creepy, man. I'm in there all the time. Hopefully everybody's okay. It's a strange place to rob. Yeah. Probably think it's pretty unlikely. Maybe that's the deal. What if they wanted...
pills and stuff. That'd be a great place to rob. Because that happened last week. Is the pharmacy open? Oh yeah. 24 hours. 24 hours. Oh my gosh. They look like they're going to kiss. Oh wow. Holy crap. Jay has like a system. Oh yeah. Jay, what is the system? Just a lot of coverage. Coverage is key. But it looks like you have kind of a pattern going on. You know, just trying to give a good lift. Crisscross. Maybe try that with your boys. Criss-cross applesauce. Too late. And then straight across. Criss-cross applesauce. Adam is just silent, straight-faced. Like, really? Really? If you're just tuning in, ladies and gentlemen, we are duct-taping a man to the wall of our studio. How long are we going to leave him there? Like a break or two? No. I don't know. Let's play it by ear. Let's not restrict ourselves. Yeah! Would you like a milkshake or something? We don't put limits on it. We'll whip you one up. You guys still got it. He doesn't care. He didn't care. Maybe you throw one of those over his mouth. You will go for it. I'm just kidding, dude. Give me five. My bad, you can't.
Mikeyshow.com. You can watch it on a live webcam. Oh, my gosh. He looks like the fly taped to the wall on the webcam. It's just a cocoon. Oh, my gosh. His face is covered up by a light. It's so great. It's so great. Oh, my gosh. What, Woodsy? Juice me up over here so people can see. There you go. Can they see better? I think it's worse. All right. I'll just go up. There you go. There you go. You back on your normal mic? Yeah, I guess so, apparently. Your ass. Yeah, you're right. It was the worst. Move, Woods, you idiot. You plebeian. Plebeian moron. Have you never taped someone to the wall while webcamming before? Don't you know the protocol, you idiot? Stupid corn shucker. I would imagine you wouldn't know.
Too busy deep peeing peas in their pods. Easy, Alban joy lover. Why don't you dip some snuff? Yes, why don't you chew some more tobacco? Disgusting pig. You should do that while playing a banjo. I think we got him, no? Oh my gosh. I don't think he is. There's no way that he will stick at this point, I don't think. Are you kidding me? There are 15,000 pieces of tape on him. Still, it's just tape. It's duct tape, though. Jay, question. Have you ever actually done this for real? Never done it before. Never done it? Oh, wow. Never done it. Not what he said on the phone to me. I do it all the time. Question, Jay. Since you've never done it, what will be your method of removal of Adam? For removing him? Yeah. A lot of scissors. Scissors? Oh, my gosh. Scissors, right? Yeah, we need to cut through.
Oh, yeah. No? What would you do? Oh, a razor. Razor. Right by... Right down his gullet. We should try it. All right, I'm going to do some show for you while we wait. While we duct tape. Okay, so remember we were telling you about Jon Stewart, right? Jon Stewart and Rick... Mark Sanchez. Rick Sanchez. Rick Sanchez. Rick Sanchez worked for CNN and made some real crazy remarks about Jews. Yeah. Said they're not an oppressed minority. They're not an oppressed minority, that they run the media, that they run his own bosses at CNN. Yep. And he got fired. And he talked about Jon Stewart and how Jon Stewart was a bigot and that part of it was him being Jewish. And just, he made some really dumb... Strong allegations. Strong allegations. Didn't he, I mean, he's the one that sounded like the big bigot in this whole thing, you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, Jon Stewart last night was taping something called Night of Too Many Stars, and he said this. By the way, giving is not just a way to help others, but it can make you feel really good about yourself if there's something that you feel guilty about. If we have any Wall Street people here tonight. It's a great way to feel better.
If you dented your friend's car, let's say, but didn't say anything about it, maybe you want to throw in 50 bucks to clear yourself. If you cheated on something to get ahead, 500 bucks, something like that. If you went on the radio and said, Jews run the media, you may want to. Had to be done. Actually, in that case, you may want to hold on to your money. There may be. That was John last night. That's funny. Okay, so. Jay, you think he's ready to be, to have the platform taken out and that he'll stick to the wall. Unbelievable. That is a ton of tape. You're using that plebeian? Yes. You're going to bio-degrade. Wasteful idiot. Do you know how many... Oh gosh, should we get out of the way? Yes, I'm getting out of the way. Do you know how many children could play with those tape balls? Oh my god! Oh gosh, oh gosh! He's up!
He's stuck. He's stuck to the wall. Get that piece. Get that piece. Get that piece. Get that piece. That's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that Shouldn't we get more tape on him since he's up there? Oh, wow. Oh, Adam. That is brilliant. Fantastic. We should just leave him there. Go to MikeyShow.com. Go to MikeyShow.com. Click on Watch Live. And then click on Main Studio. Does it hurt, Adam? No, it's fine. Here, watch this. Oh, wow. Careful, Woods. Careful, Woods. Careful, Woods. He's doing a punching bag near the genitals. And he got super close. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. Oh, he's pretending it's a punching bag. Oh, my God. He made me so nervous. Oh, this is so great. He's so mad. You realize he's plotting right now how he's going to get you done. Oh, I got a crap.
For the record, I was not involved. Really? See if you can get out. Wiggle. Oh, wow. He's trying to wiggle, but he can't. Oh, wow. Oh, man. Oh, wow. It's like a caterpillar. It's like a caterpillar in a little cocoon. Woodsy's trying to pull his shirt. Oh, no. Oh, he's getting it. He's getting it. Oh, he's gotten free. He's gotten free. Oh, wow. Holy crap. That was fantastic. Oh, ow. Fantastic. Careful. That was amazing. Oh, that was so awesome. Look at that tape suit. Thank you, Adam. Maybe we should sell the tape suit on eBay. Yeah, for sure. Don't just throw it out. Good job, Adam. That was incredible. I love that. I'm going to go work now. Thank you. Go sell something, pal. He's not a salesperson. Promo. Go promote something. A kid can sell. I've seen him in action. He can do anything. Let's see. I know he's promotions. How come you said go sell something? Because he can. He's good. I've heard him on the phone.
We went to lunch yesterday at Milton's. Delicious. We sat down. L.O.B. opens the menu and says, and I quote, so loudly, she goes, they have tongue? And it was so loud. That place has good acoustics. Every other time you guys are like, speak up because I'm so quiet. And I was like, tongue, tongue, tongue. They have tongue. It was hysterical. But then you guys decided to imitate me even louder. Louder. Mike, Jay went loud. Mike went louder. I went loudest. Yeah. For sure. Tongue. Delicious. It was crazy. Oh, it's gross. It's so good. They have tongue. Tongue. Tongue. Tongue. You guys. Tongue. It was so loud. Oh, my gosh. I was very shocked. That was the first thing I saw on the menu. Yeah. They got everything in that place. And then I said, what am I, chopped liver? I think they have tongue, you guys. You guys, there's tongue on this menu. And why is everyone staring at me? There is tongue on the menu!
That's what it sounded like. It was. Like an empty shower. Yeah, like reverberated it off the wall. And then we all did it. It was great. They had tongue. And the waiter came over and took all of our orders. And I said, I'm going to get the, let me get the pastrami. And what do you want, babe? To me. Yeah. And he said, I'm going to order something to go for my wife. And I go, oh, with that bit again? Oh, my gosh. And so Woods orders fried chicken and I go, it's too heavy, babe. It's too heavy. It's too heavy. Don't get it. If you want to eat something tonight, I'll just make something that's lighter. So great.
The waiter was just trying not to crack a smile. I buried my head in my hands as usual. I do it on the phone. Mike does it in person. In person. It's so awkward. And it's so uncomfortable. I was just looking at Jay like, where do we look? What do we do? He has sugar packets. Mikey did the same where he cocked his head back like he was like, um. Oh, he was in character. He looked at him dead in the face. Our waiter, Freddie. Freddie with 1D. I go, I go, how's the pastrami? And he goes, it's good. And I go, and I, and I. And I tilted my head like, is it good? It was brilliant. And he goes, no, it is. It's really good. Okay. I guess I'll try. I'll get it. So great. But you know who I'm going to talk to if it's not good. We always have fun when we go out to eat. You guys always do bits. We do bits the whole time. Lauren did something that made me come out of my skin. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. What do you think I'm talking about? At launch? What do you think I'm talking about? I got my salad. Yes. Yes. Oh, it's so stupid. But I ate it right away. I knew I just couldn't eat it right then because I ate too many fries. Lauren, girls. It's not just Lauren. My wife. Every woman. Mine too. Men, well, first of all, if a man orders a salad. Just a salad.
Women will get a salad to go, and they'll put it in the fridge, and they'll eat it. It's repugnant. It's repugnant. For me, it has a few-hour window before it gets all nasty. I get the dressing on the side. Then you can take it to go. It's still. It had light dressing. Still, dude. No way. If you have a styrofoam container, a white styrofoam container with dry lettuce. Right. And. Chicken on top of it. Just love that word. Love skeeving people out with that word. Crisp pears. There's pears and pears. Walnuts, grapefruit. I'll take it any day. The next day when you open that up. It wasn't the next day. Okay, but I'm just saying that many women you included in the past. No, no, no, no. In the past. No, no, no. You've never? I've opened on the next day and it's like iced over. Yes. No, no, no. It smells like refrigerator. Yeah. It smells like plastic ketchup bottle. Yep. Don't you keep lettuce in your refrigerator? Yes, but you keep it in the crisper. In the crisper, without dressing on it. Without dressing, without fruit on it. Chicken. Moist. Chicken on top of it. Yeah, it only had, I knew that taking it with me, but I was like, you know, it was like more than half a salad there. Now I say that, yet I will take Mexican soup that's gelatinized, you open the top of the styrofoam container up, and it looks like jello. Oh yeah.
Not to mention that it's the small intestines. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tripe. It's tripe. It's the lining of a cow's stomach. Hominy. Hominy, hominy, hominy, hominy, hominy. And various other spices. And I will put that in a bowl. I'll into a bowl. And I'll put it in the microwave and I'll warm it up until it's hot and I'll eat it down real good. But I think that a salad overnight is gross. Overnight is gross. Do you guys ever make queso at your house? Well, of course you do. He just calls it cheese. Making jokes about myself now? It gets that skin on top of it. Oh, yeah. You got to scrape that off. The queso skin. It's disgusting. You got to scrape it off. Don't mix it in. I've seen people mix it in. The mix-in bit slays me. People are like, and they mix it. I'm like, great, now I get a chunk of skin. Yeah, you dip the deal in there and a piece of pudding comes out. Yeah, pudding skin on top. Disgusting. It's horrific. Ew. Holy cow. Skim it. You got to skim it off. Skim it. Skim it. Skim it. Skim it. They found.
Bed bugs in one of San Diego's biggest fire stations. And I'm going to tell you which one. Tell you about states with the worst drivers. We're going to do some Dude, You're Dumb. It's all coming up. I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. That's Lauren O'Brien. Sienna is out on maternity leave. Jay is our producer. And Will is screening phone calls for us today. And if you feel like calling us, you can. It's 570-1949. And if you want to text us, you can do that. 949mikey at gmail.com. Let's see. Okay. Woodsy, what was the San Diego fire station that had the bedbugs? Maybe I'll get these out before we get on the air. God, idiot. It's all right, pal. Stop yelling at me. You're screaming. Don't scream at me, dude. You're making a scene. Are you listening? You're making a scene.
Stop yelling at me. Stop. I don't appreciate you using drops without my permission. We have your permission, Gaga. How? We asked you the last time you were in here. You just don't remember because you were high on meat juice. You were high on meat juice. Touche. It's the station at First Avenue and B. It's the largest of San Diego's 47 firehouses. And, yeah, it's infested with bed bugs. You know how much it's going to cost to tent the affected area? Not going to work, by the way. $750,000. What? $750,000. Quote, we have to aggressively treat it with chemical and non-chemical products. It's probably not going to work. I heard that you can't kill those things. Jay. And listen, let me just say this about it, by the way. Everybody, we should all stop worrying about it. Because we're all going to probably have. No. Listen. No. They're everywhere. They're not. You hear about them all over. More on the East Coast. I know, but people get on airplanes. You know, they're saying that they are everywhere. You know why? It's the seventh city fire station to be infested with bed bugs. Seventh. If you go visit, right, and you stay in a hotel, and you put your sweater and your jeans down on the bed. Oh, I know. Okay, then they get in your sweater and your jeans, and then you come back. They get in your suitcase. Yeah. Then in your suitcase, you bring them home. Maybe we bring DDT back.
Yeah, remember that stuff? It's good stuff. Well, the problem with those fire stations, too, is all the hoses are made out of... It's coated with a texture. So you have to treat all those, too. You gotta treat everything. They gotta tent the whole area. Somebody knows a lot about firehouses. Yeah, I wonder how that is. She's like, you know how the bottoms of the beds are all green. We're like, what? When I was in a firehouse. No, the bottoms of the top bunks, they're green. Synthetic hoses weigh half as little as the cotton hoses. Oh, my gosh. Holy crap. Wow. I love the hose. Oh, boy. Oh. But they're also in Arizona and New York. And, you know, the funny thing is, is that... The total cost of eradicating the bugs at the other, eradicating, really, getting rid of the bugs. That's a good word. I don't think there's anything. You're not big time. I'm reading from the thing. At the other six stations was $46,000. What? What are you staring at? Nose hair? Booger? What? It looks like you're trying something out there. What? You're doing a little something here and then clean down here. No, I haven't touched it. Really? Yeah.
You ever just get ADD on the air? Well, I thought all of a sudden I noticed it looked like Woods was, you know, doing a little Cheech Marin on me or something. No, I wish I knew how to quit you. Just because I brought Woods some Bala powder today doesn't mean. Yeah. Where do you use that Bala powder? On the boys. Where do you think? My brother told me about it. My brother told me about Bala powder. And it's the greatest. You get it on groominglounge.com. The greatest. Website for stuff. It's all guy. This is going to sound racist, and it's not meant to sound racist. Well, then don't say it so you don't get me in trouble. I don't want to get you in trouble. It isn't. I can't. It's not. It looks. No, it isn't. Listen. My brother says, my brother goes, my brother goes. It looks like something that LOB would find in somebody's bathroom of a particular race that she spent the night at their house. Does that make sense? Why? I don't know. It just does. Because it's called Bala powder? It's black and gold. Like you're Bala? Come on, Bala. Like you're a Bala? Yeah, I'm a Bala. Holla for the Bala. So my brother. It does look like something P. Diddy would have. Yeah, that's what I meant. Smells good, doesn't it? That's what I should have said. Damn it. Smells like lemon. I'm going to go put it on. Try it. Wait, right now? In here? Oh, my gosh. Go to the bathroom, though, Woodsy. Oh, my gosh. No, don't just do it there. He's whipping his boys out. He is commando today, too. He told us earlier.
He does that stuff in front of Jay all the time and doesn't care. He doesn't care. He just doesn't care. Look at Will is even uncomfortable. Will's like, really? Really? Wow. He spent a little too much time over there, Woods. Oh, my gosh. He's liking it, though. It tingles. Yeah, well, my brother said, he goes, have you ever tried baller powder? I go, no. I go, what's it for? He goes, the boys. I go, really? I said, well, what does it do? He goes, keeps you dry, keeps you fresh, keeps you, you know. Feeling sparkly clean. Is he right there? He's still doing it. What do you think? Nice, right? Smells good. I put sanitizer on my hands, too, so now I have a paste on my hands. Where's the cap? You put the sanitizer on before or after? Yeah, because I don't want LLB to be like, ew, you touched your boys. Before or after? No, after. So I sanitize. Where's the cap? Oh, where's the cap? Oh, gosh. Smells like Bala out here. It really is. It smells good. Hey, let me tell you something. I feel fresh. For the fellas, man. For every dude listening, that stuff, I couldn't be without it. It's one of those deals where my dop kit, my shaving kit when I travel, you can only fit so much stuff in there, but there has to be room for that stuff. Yeah, it's tingling. Oh, yeah.
It's great. You should work for this website, Mikey. For Grooming Lounge? Yeah. Seriously. I mean, that stuff is the best. It's tingling my voice. Yeah. Good thing I went commando today. Yeah. Yeah. Would you use it? Mm-hmm. I'm using it. Is it for me? Oh, yeah. You need to use it every morning? Yeah, every morning. I had to do a reorder, and Grooming Lounge is great because they throw in a bunch of freebies. Yeah. Oh, really? Do they have girl stuff or just guys? Just guy stuff. Yes. Scrimination. Chauvinistic. That's where I got the poop drops. Yeah, poop drops are great. That's funny he gave those to me. Did you use it? Yeah. It works. Yeah, it does. Oh, the things that you put in. I've seen those before. It's little drops, and you drop them in the commode, and when you do your business, there's, you know, pretty much eliminates odor. I hate that word so much. Commode. Odor. Odor.
What's wrong with odor? It's a pretty ugly word. Ugly. I like it. Odor. It is ugly. Oh, moist odor. Ew. Let's see. Okay. So, states with the worst drivers. What do you guys think? Texas. New Jersey. Hey, our home states, kid. Yeah. We know. Let's see if you guys are even close. Well, they're not in the top 10, guys. Wow. Really? Surprising. California. Texas number 10, sorry. Okay. I'm not surprised. Not Jersey. Really? Nope. It's the highest insurance. Any other guesses? New York. Horse drivers. New York rates. Numero. Oh, sorry. It's not on there. New York is not on there. Maine. California. California is on there, I bet. California is not on there. Not on there. Nope. Iowa? Vermont. Nope. Montana. Delaware. Here, let me just show you. Texas, number 10. Idaho, number 9. Really?
There's four people living in Idaho. I know. Delaware, number eight. Missouri, number seven. Alaska, number six. What? That can't be true, Mike. It is true, Sarah Palin. Oh, that's a bunch of honky-doos. In fact, I'll tell you this. Honky-doos. Honky-doos. It isn't honky-doos. You can't just make words up. You can't just skedaddle on out of here with your balla. Driving under the influence in your state, Sarah Palin, three out of 50. Oh, that's a bunch of nonsense. It's not nonsense. Under the influence of happy-do. That's what they call hashish. There's no such thing. In Alaska, happy-do. Happy-do. There is a such thing as happy dust. That's what they call cocaine in Alaska. No. Don't you know? Don't you know? No. Number five, Oklahoma. Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma. Number four, Louisiana. Cajuns. Number three, Kentucky. Kentuckians. Driving under the influence in Kentucky, nine out of 50. Holy cow. Careless driving, three out of 50 in Kentucky. Failure to obey traffic signs, 34 out of 50. Wow. You ever drink moonshine? Yeah. Have you ever drank that? No. I have. I want to. You have? You mix it with anything?
No, they're just right out of the mason jar. I know what they do, but that's what I did. Yeah, I drank it right out of the mason jar. Did it taste gross? It was like fire water. It was just like, it was so intense. It was almost like gasoline. Really? Yeah, I want to try it. Did you get drunk on just a tiny bit? I wouldn't say drunk, but you felt this, you warmed all the way down. Weird. Mix it with Kool-Aid. You would? I would. I haven't had Kool-Aid since I was six. Yeah. Maybe we can get some Kool-Aid up here. I wonder. It's so good. I wonder if it would instantly come back like, oh, I remember that. Oh, yeah. 100%. Oh, yeah. Hey, Kool-Aid. Number two worst drivers are in Montana. Oh, what said Montana? Yeah, I did. And the number one worst place to drive is North Dakota. What? Dakota. So weird. Probably because there's like, seriously. Sparsely populated. Sparsely populated. There's four cops in the whole, you know, I mean. People haul ass everywhere they go. You know, they list for all these different states, they list the most dangerous age, and it's all 18 and 19 years old. Remember, think about when you were 18, 19, driving around. Scary. It is scary, man. You'd be driving now on just regular streets, not the freeway, and you'll see teenagers. I rarely, rarely see a teenager.
that is not texting. It's very rare to see a teenager that's just driving. I'm the most scared as a pedestrian because they'll be like, I see the car a little edging out and there's two teenagers talking to each other and I'm like, oh boy, oh boy, do I dare? Because I know that they're looking one way and not the other. Right. I'm always worried in the bike lane on the side of the road because they're texting and it just takes a minute to weave over and just snap you. I'm always worried about the bikers veering out of their bike lane into my car. Me too. Maybe slow down then. Really? Maybe drive on the sidewalk. Hey, dude, I was driving the other day near Tour de Carlsbad. Yep, I know exactly where you're talking about. And the bike lane, and it was a guy and a girl, and the guy was full on out of that bike lane. Oh, yeah. They don't care. And not only do they not care, they're kind of like arrogant about it. Yes. It's like, I don't care. I know that I'm not in the bike lane and deal with it. And I think that's so rude. Share the road goes both ways. I think it's rude. Yeah. I get over now because the bike lane's on the right side. I just get over in the far left lane just in case, you know, the guy hits something or falls. I know. That's what scares me. They hit a rock or something. I'm petrified.
Hey, Woods hit a biker today. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, we all are, and they know that, and it's just rude, I think. Yeah, it is. Find a parking lot. You've known them. You've seen them. They may even be you. Woods just points them out. It's time for Dude, You're Dumb. You can call in with these, too. Dude, You're Dumb is that guy. What I mean is the dude or the woman that does the stuff that's annoying. You know, what we just talked about could be an example of it. Yeah. LLB said it best. Shutter Road goes both ways. It ain't just about us moving over for you. You know, you can get in the bike lane. If you're in the bike lane, it belongs to you because it's your bike and that's a bike lane. Call in, too, if you guys got some good ones out there. Yeah. But I had a couple of really good ones from my trip when I went back to Dallas. Jamie and I are going through security and they stopped this guy and they say, yeah, you have too much stuff. number one to come through, and this bag's too big. The guy that's dumb is the guy that still argues with security. It's an argument that you're not going to win. Well, they're like, oh, okay, somebody's got a big mouth on them. They proceed to search this guy's entire trough of luggage that he had. He had probably four bags, and he was trying to carry on because he had medical equipment that he was bringing through. And he does the bit of, I travel here every week, and he's yelling.
I'm like, dude, this is not the spot. You just don't argue. You do as you're told. Me, Johnny Rule Breaker is like, yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. Yes, sir. I don't want to get in trouble at the airport. They proceed. This guy was on our flight. He showed up to our gate 25 minutes after we did. They did a full search of his body and everything. Put him in the thing, wands, had him take his belt off. Cavity search. Cavity search. I mean, everything. Woods, you're right, too, because it's not like the lady's going to go, oh, you do this every week? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Go ahead. I didn't recognize you, Mr. Smith. Yeah, exactly. Thanks for coming back and flying Southwest. How about this guy at baggage claim? The guy that has to muscle his way to the front. Then the guy that doesn't know what bag is his. You don't know your own bag? No, but I go to the front. Maybe tie a little ribbon on your bag. You have to pick up every bag. No, not mine. You have to elbow me out of the way to grab your bag.
No, that's not mine. Come on, you jackhole. I agree. I agree, but I don't think there's anything wrong with going to the front. What if you push people out of the way to get there? I don't. How'd you already get there? I just walked there. Did you push your way to the front? No, I got off the plane early. I got off. I was one of the first people. But being in the front, it's not bad, right? No, but if you push... Some people just think... They don't even say, excuse me. They just think, oh yeah, I'm more entitled to be in the front than you. My bag's more important. My bit is know your bag, too, Chief. Know your bag. You really need to push me out of the way to look at every single bag that comes by. I agree. Tie a little ribbon. You know what Jamie's mom did? We have all of her luggage. There's little pink shoelaces on all of ours. Do something. Yeah. It's a good idea. Smear a turd on there if you want. Just make sure you know which one's yours. That's too far. A little bit? Yes, sir. You guys have any? What about my public service announcement about the people on the expensive cars? I think they can just... Parked diagonal in a handicap spot. You know, LOB, I got a new car, and I did that the other day. Why? What did you do? What did you do? What did you do? Well, I was going to LOB's gig at 4th and B, and I was on, like, kind of the upper level of the parking garage, and there wasn't really any more cars up there, so I took up two spaces because it was a really narrow parking garage. I mean...
Narrow, narrow. And I was like, somebody's going to ding my ride. That's terrible. Is it? Yeah. I hate it. I hate it. At Milton's, there was a lot of nice cars there. Oh, I'm just going to back up because I have a Jaguar, so I don't care who's behind me. I'm just going to back up. I had no idea that my friend Woods was that guy. I'm not that guy, but I was driving my wife's new ride, and I didn't want to get it dinged. So, feast on this. You don't get special treatment. Yeah, but there was nobody up there. You don't get special treatment. It was Saturday night. There was nobody up there. Saturday night downtown. Yeah, at the top level, though. There was nobody up there. Trust me. Yet. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. Mike, you sent me some this morning. I like this one. How about the guy that's too cheap to buy a new Bluetooth? He's got the old telemarketer Garth Brooks earpiece in. I mean, I don't use a Bluetooth. I don't. I use one with a cord. Yep. I like the cord. I guess I would be the dude you're dumb. Yeah, but it looks like they're, you know, taking magazine subscriptions. Yeah, it does. Same guy who walks around with it in his ear all the time. They're selling time chairs real good.
Talking twice as loud. Need to speak to Mrs. Nyborg and only Mrs. Nyborg. Exactly. Guy's wearing a business suit with no jacket and he's got the Bluetooth in his ear and he's standing with his hands in his pockets in line at Starbucks talking to himself. Just making orders. Yeah. Screaming. He's closing deals. Sell scream. It's amazing. I don't have time to stop. I can't get off the phone while I order. Yeah. Anybody else? You guys have been annoyed lately? My big one was yesterday. There was a couple of the expensive cars. The rules don't apply to me. Yeah, for sure. A couple people calling in. M1 Bear from San Diego. Hey, morning, Mike. How's everybody doing? Morning. Good, man. All right. Well, you kind of got me on it because I actually work security at the airport. You do? Yes, I do. And I have come across some of the dumbest people in my life. I love it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I told her, ma'am, you're not going to be allowed to bring that through because you're not allowed to bring anything that's a liquid cream, gel, aerosol, whatever, over three and a half ounces, period. And she looked me dead in the eye and with all seriousness in her face goes, since when is wine a liquid? Oh, wow. I could not stop myself. I fired right back and said, since when do they let you out of the house? I have always felt. so badly for people, you know, guys like this guy that work at the TSA. I mean, dude, they just get abused and abused. And there's something about traveling that turns you into a jerk. Yeah. Immediately. You walk in an airport, you're like, oh, I can be a huge D now. You know? And it just kills me for these people that have to work there and listen to all these jerks walk through. Hey, Bear, thanks, man. We appreciate it. It's a great story. Thanks, guys. Appreciate you guys. Since when is wine a liquid? Oh, my gosh. How about...
Sniffle waitress. Oh, you hate sniffle waitress. I can't stand it. Maybe take a non-drowsy anything. Maybe take... Maybe don't touch my toast with the... Oh, boy. Hi, guys. And you can just tell that there's a cold going on. Don't. What if she's not touching your food? She is. How do you know? Because I ordered toast, and unless she hermetically sealed her hands... before she got the toast and buttered it and put it on the plate and brought it back to me so that I can eat her cold. That's not her job. Don't the cooks do that? Yeah, the cooks do that. She just delivers a plate. What about Sniffle Cook? You're not supposed to. How about Sniffle Cook? Oh, Sniffle Cook. How about sneeze in public guy without a good cover-up? Really, Woods? Yeah. I don't like to sneeze on my hands because I get the germs on my hands then. Sneeze doing your elbow. I don't like to sneeze snot on my elbow. I don't like snotty elbow. You know what everybody... has in common with your wife, Jamie, they've all kissed you now, apparently, when you do that. Ew. I don't get sick, so don't worry about it. Yeah. Oh, curse. First time for you, first kiss for you was in a barn. Them, Vons, with you doing that. Sneezing. Yeah, my first kiss was in a barn. Ew, I was in a barn. Because he's the same guy that sneezes out loud in public. I'll do this, bitch. But you know what I do? I sneeze into my shirt.
Sometimes. Is that okay? Yes. Sometimes. And you guys can all... Well, you didn't say that. You said I don't... You guys have seen me do that. Have we? Yeah, but that's not bad. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy that goes... And he doesn't put his hand over his face. I've done that. You've done it. You've all done it. I haven't done that. In my house, I've done it. How about the guy who throws away reusable Tupperware? That guy is dumb. That guy is dumb. Jay, it's called disposable. What do you think that means disposable? Wait, how do you know he's talking about you? Because he was looking right at me and winking. You can recycle that disposable. You don't even need to recycle it. You just reuse it. Yeah, take it home and wash it. Reuse, recycle. Mikey, think globally, but act locally. I mean, come on. How dare you? R-E-C-Y-C-L-E, a perfect planet policy. I was having a styrofoam bonfire last night at my house. Ew.
Just burning tires real good in the backyard. CFCs all into your system. Yep. Burning aerosol cans. You're going to get killed. I don't care. I get killed every day. It's my bit. You know, Christine O'Donnell, the lady running for Senate in Delaware, said she used to be a witch. She was going through an experimental thing in high school. She went through, you know. Who didn't, man? Yeah. Wait till you hear her campaign ad. I can't wait. Where she's telling people she's not a witch. Wait till you hear it. It's coming up next. That guy ever smoked a fresh joint? Man, that voice, dude. One of the most dysfunctional men in the world. However, one of the most musically talented people in the world. You know, my buddy is his producer now. That is crazy. Isn't that nuts? That is crazy. They were on Leno a couple of weeks ago. And I got it recorded. Still haven't launched it. Oops. But my buddy Scott Bennett was...
He plays a bunch of music for them and produces them. Brian Wilson. Scott Bennett was at my house playing my guitar, playing these Beach Boys songs that he plays with Brian Wilson. I'm just sitting there staring at him going, holy cow. I wish that Beach Boys would re-release this stuff and it's not in this goofy stereo because at the time this was brand new stereo. One ear hears one thing and one speaker plays the other. It's just like, come on. They might have. Maybe they did. Maybe they have. You don't like it in both ears? I don't like him in my left and the other... Really? In the band in my right. I don't either. I feel like I'm having an experience. They were like, oh my gosh, look what we can do. Yeah. We can put the drums and the bass in this ear and the vocals and the guitar in the other. Zeppelin did a lot of that too. Once they got over it though, they were like, sounds better when we don't. Yeah. Well, all I know is when I was a little kid, this is what I pretty much grew up on, is the Beach Boys. And I remember being in my car going, God, I want to live in California. Whatever these guys are doing out in California, man, they got it going on. This is what reminded you of California? Not this one. This stuff? That style, yeah. Yeah, when you grow up on the East Coast, or probably anywhere but Southern California.
You think that it's just like constantly like, let's go to the beach, man. It kind of is. It kind of is sometimes. Yeah. Some people. I mean, it hasn't been this year, but normally it kind of is. A lot of people that live in San Diego don't go to the beach. I know. That's which weirds me out. Oh, my gosh. That was me until I met you guys. You know. It was me until I met a girl from New Jersey and a guy from Texas. That one dragged into the ocean. And a guy that is from Texas and taught us all how to surf. Yeah. Not me. Not Lori. You know I wanted to have this as my wedding song, but I don't like that first line. What is it? I might not always love you. I know how it goes, but some people would be, I had this feeling that people would be like, wait, what? That don't know the song? Yeah. I would feel guilt, but that's not what he means. This one? Love it, dude. I guess the Beach Boys did a lot of wedding stuff. A lot of love. Love it.
Little surfer? Yeah. Really? She grew up, well, it's my cousin's wife. She grew up along the beach. That's rad. I think the Beach Boys only sold 90 billion records. Yeah, seriously. Brian Wilson, he is so talented. I think it was only like 89 billion. 89? Yeah, I think you misquoted there. So we all know now who Christine O'Donnell is. She's the lady that about 10 years ago. Went on the show Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher and said that when she was a teenager, she was a witch. And they laughed and it was funny and stuff. And now that she's running for Senate, you know, Bill Maher played that. And everybody was like, oh, my gosh, you know, she's she's a witch. So she's got a new TV ad. Take a listen to this. I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you. None of us are perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us. Politicians who think spending, trading favors, and backroom deals are the ways to stay in office. I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do. I'm Christine O'Donnell, and I approve this message. Oh, I wish you hadn't. I'm you. No kidding. I'm you. I'm not a witch. That's just weird. That's how you started off? I'm not a witch. Aren't you?
That just sounds... I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. What? You're not? I'm not a witch. I'm like a little girl. I'm not a witch. Why don't you put behind it... Yeah. What's that? Toil and trouble. What is that? Wizard of Oz. Wizard of Oz is the witch. You don't know that bit? I don't remember. I've only seen it a couple times. Hey, like girls. No, I watched it when I was four. Kid likes girls. I watch Point Break. I play sports. I write. I surf, pal. That's right. I read books, Mike. I read books. I got miniature little doggies, Mikey. That's right. I'll stab you. You are a sad, strange little man. You have my pity. 5701949 is our phone number. Topic jar. Let's reach in here and pull out a topic and we answer it. It's kind of like truth or dare, except there's no dare. That's right. It's all truth.
What extent have you gone to when you've had a crush on a celebrity? We did that. We've talked about that. Woods is a painter. I am a painter. Woods painted a picture of who? Amanda Peterson. Weird. Can't buy me love? Fantasized about her. Still do. You can buy love. Get you in trouble. What's your go-to karaoke? Probably... Probably, it used to be, in college it was Come Monday by Jimmy Buffett, because I can nail that one. Now it would be probably Mr. Brownstone. Really? Yeah. L.O.B.? I've only done karaoke a few times, and it was country songs both times. It was Before He Cheats, the Carrie Underwood one. Yeah. I had a barbecue stain on my white t-shirt. It's country, yeah. Yeah, something like that. I don't know who it is, but I recognize it. Was it the Australian cowboy, Keith Urban? No, it was Tim McGraw, I think. For me, it's any Journey or Bon Jovi. 100%. You love Journey. Loving, touching, and squeezing. Now that I think about it, I had a karaoke birthday party. It was all, like, 80s rock. Jay, that's his fear. Yep. Is singing karaoke. Have you ever? Nope.
Really? He's afraid. Not even with a couple of sauces? Meet and greet. Oh, that'd be fantastic. Consider it, though. No, they won't have a machine there. Oh, we'll get one. I rented one for a birthday party. It's really easy. It's so easy. It's really easy. Meet and greet. That'd be a great meet and greet to make him have to karaoke. He'll have to do all Britney Spears songs? No. I get to pick my own. If I'm going to karaoke, I'm picking my own song. I'm not a girl. Oops. I did it again. That's not bad. Some of these topics in here are ridiculous. Have you ever drunk dialed someone? Like, duh, who hasn't? Of course. I just did it right in here. Which non-politician would make the best president? Uh, me. Jon Stewart. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. Why club? Do you ever run away from home? Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Tell me the story in 30 seconds. 30 seconds. Got in a huge fight with my parents when I was about 17 and was like, screw you guys, I'm leaving. Pack my stuff. Moved over to my buddy Fytel's house and lived over there. How long? For like two weeks. Wow. LLB? I threatened a lot. I would pack my little tiny suitcase and be like, I'm leaving this family just to see if anyone would care. And one time I hid in the woods for like 10 minutes and nobody came out. Oh my gosh. You really gave it a long time, by the way. I was like, they don't even know. 10 minutes. Can you imagine her as a little kid? Oh my gosh. They wouldn't pay attention to me.
I wouldn't pay attention. Were you the middle child? Yeah. Oh, boy. It'll get you every time. It explains a lot. It does. It really does. It does. Jay? I got in a fight with my parents, obviously. Jumped on my bike with the banana seat, and it was a three-speed. Rode it to my friend. I almost rode like 10 miles to my friend's house, and I was going to hide in his barn. And at nightfall, the folks had to come get me. Nightfall. Nightfall. And at nightfall, dear. Nightfall, the folks had to come get me. It's a cold, cold October Eve. No, it's nightfall. We better go get the boy. That idiot's in the barn again. I packed a suitcase and it had wheels on it. And I walked it about a mile over a little bridge. Where? Where were you? Gilroy, California, my hometown. Walked over to Renee Sanchez's house as a guy. Mexican named Rene. A Mexican Frenchman. Yeah. He's a Mexican Frenchman. R-E-A-E. It's my kid. Yeah. And I stayed over there until my parents called over there. And then I had to walk home with it. How old were you? 12 or 13. Rene. What was his last name? Sanchez. I lost his necklace. His gold. I borrowed his gold. Weird.
Navy anchor necklace. I lost it. I was afraid he was going to beat me up. Did he? No, he didn't. Did he get it at the mall? Remember they used to have the big wheels of the gold chain that you could pull off and they would just cut it right there at the mall? Do you remember that? That's probably how he did it. Remember that? That's funny. What grade would you give yourself an environmental responsibility? LOB? A minus to a B plus. Wow. C minus. Oh, really? Dude, we recycle. We have a huge recycling thing in our house. Huge. Like a big thing. We wheel it out every day. You don't recycle in here anymore. Jay? We don't recycle in here. That's a bit that we do recycle. Because of my wife, I would say like an A minus. I give myself an A plus. An F. You're an F. I'm a D. I'm not an F. You're an F. You're an F. I'm not. Do you have recycling at your house? I don't throw banana peels in the fern. Like Jay. The fern likes it. He like it. You heard him. He loves it. He like it. He like it. He like it. No, I do my best. You're not that bad. I recycle in here, L.O.B., every day. You put weird stuff that doesn't get recycled in there. Can. What stereotypes of your minority group do you fit? I like burritos. I don't steal stuff. That's like a Mexican stereotype. I don't.
Well, a ton of people live in my house. That's true. So I fit that stereotype. I fit a whole bunch of people in my house. I like horchata. Do I? Don't you? You like menudo. I like menudo. All of the food stereotypes of Mexicans, I fit. Me too. What are the other stereotypes about Mexicans? We live in houses with a bunch of people in the house. Look it, the white people are afraid to say. I've never heard of a stereotype. What? Yeah, they're not looking at me. You like to garden? Yeah, I do. That we make good gardeners. Yeah, I make good gardeners, too. I do. I do. I think I fit the stereotype. That's what kind of gets me about stereotypes is a lot of times they're true. Yeah. Like, they're true of me. I'm covered in tattoos. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm just pointing stuff. I'm not going to say it all. Yeah, you can't say it because he's afraid. I'm exactly like you, though. I love hot foods and Mexican food. Yeah, me too. Love to garden. I don't have... Another stereotype would be that we got a lot of baby mamas, but I don't. As far as you know. You wear a Chargers jersey. Yeah, that's a stereotype, that we wear jerseys. Big time. You're not good at baseball. I don't fit that stereotype because the stereotype is that they're good at baseball. I'm not good at baseball. Straight up. Those dudes can play some ball. You don't like soccer. They love soccer. LLB or Irish, you fit any of those stereotypes? I'm Irish and I'm Polish. And I am gullible. Well, I'm blonde too. I'm gullible. That's a Polish thing. Irish, I get real rowdy if I drink liquor. That's what I hear. Yeah. I can only drink beer because if I drink liquor, I'm out of control. Are you? Mm-hmm. I'd love to see that. What else? What else am I? I'm a mutt. Yeah. Woodsy, what are you? I'm cheap. Scummish. It's a stereotype. Drink a lot, but I don't really drink a lot. You have a temper? I have an Irish temper. There we go. I got a temper like a madman. Jay? I'm English-Irish. Nothing. He likes tea and crickets. And Harry Potter. Have you ever had an anxiety attack, Jay? That's the next question. Boy, that's tough.
I think I have. I mean, I kind of just got real super nervous before a big event, but it didn't cripple me. I didn't think I was going to die. Ooh, this is a good one. What's the difference between innocent flirting and cheating? Oh. Oh, wow. Woods just straightened up. No, I didn't. This is out here. You're serious. Shut up. What am I going to say? Leave me alone. Mike, don't. Stop. Get away. Turn the mics off. Stop it. Cheating is not only physical contact, but it's... Even emails or texting. Building a relationship. Building something. If you can't tell your wife about it, or if you wouldn't feel comfortable doing it in front of your wife. Now, I will flirt. I'm a flirt. I'm a flirty dude. So if I'm with Jamie or someone around, I'm like, hey, I give hugs. How are you? You look great. That's not really flirty. That's more being complimentary. I agree. I think he nailed it. Because I used to tell ex-boyfriends that. I'd be like, anything that you would think that if I were there watching it. that you wouldn't do if I were there, just don't do it. Don't do it. That's a great rule of thumb to live by. For anyone. Sure. Sounds good. I know it sounds good, but is it your philosophy? I think contact. Wow. Just contact? Yeah. I can have a relationship texting somebody. No, I'm not going to text anybody going, hey, you're so hot and you're so fine. You're so fine. But that's not contact. That's not contact.
You're so fine. Do you want to go to the malt shop after work? You're so fine. You blow my mind. Hey, Mickey. Hey, Mickey. Yeah, I think that if there's intent in it, if you're building a case and you're trying to fall in love. But if you say to a girl some stuff on a text and you're not like... building to something, then that's okay. I think obviously you're going to be building to something, though. I do, too. I'm a flirt. I mean, I'm a flirty dude. Yeah, but you flirt in front of you or what? Yeah, I'll flirt right in front of you. She knew what she was getting into. Like what? Like, I'm a flirt. He's, like, charming. I try to, like, wait, like with waitresses and stuff. Charming and flirting is different. Okay, well, I try to charm. I'm like, how you doing, sweetie? Good to see you. Thank you very much. You know, like, I try to be nice and friendly. And she gives me the, really, with the hun bit. You know, and I'm like, this is me. I got it from my grandfather. I got it from my mom. She's the same way. Yeah, I guess. I don't really see that as flirting, but. It may be. It's flirtatious. It's flirtatious. Usually if you're flirting, there's some sort of intention. Am I, am I flirty? No. I heard that when you got those truffle fries at the track. Yeah. Or whatever those things were. Oh, you were like, you could have closed that deal. Those were fried beans. The zucchini thing. Get Rebecca on the phone. I wasn't flirting. You were flirting.
They were flirty with him. That was 100% not flirty. Do you want to try my wasabi sauce? I watched the whole thing go down. Rebecca and I and Jamie were watching the whole thing go down. You were George Clooney in Ocean's Eleven that day. Because they asked me, hey, what is that? And I said, it's wasabi-covered green beans. You guys want to try it? Which I would have done if they were three guys. You guys want to try it? Go ahead. You would have been grossed out by those guys' grubby hands. It depends if they were clean-looking dudes. He wasn't really all the way in, but they were flirting with him. They were cougars extraordinary. Rebecca thought I was flirting. I was not flirting. She goes, oh, look at that guy over there. The guy thinks he's George Clooney today. I missed it, but that's the only time I've heard that you've been a little flirt. It was brilliant. It was Botox Central right behind us. It was great. Weird. It was great. Yeah. So strange. So weird. I know what I want to do. Name that tune, Kazoo. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. I'm scared. Name that tune with a kazoo. Call us at 570-1949. And each of us will play a song on the kazoo. And if you can guess it, what do you get? What's a prize we can give away, Jay? I have tickets to the Pepsi Max 400 going on October 10th. Sweet. At Fontana? It doesn't say, but yes. It's at the Vaughn's parking lot. It's $140 value.
We're going to have four of them. We have four winners. It's NASCAR, I believe. Yeah, it sounds like it would be Fontana. Yeah. 5701949. We'll get you on the phone. All you've got to do is figure out what we're playing on Kazoo. It may sound easy, but it probably will not be. Probably won't be. Let's see. Let's get somebody here. M1. Sorry, he hasn't put them on hold. M1 Public. M1 Public from San Diego. Are you there? I'm here. Okay. I'm going to give you about 20 seconds of a song. And if you can give me title or artist, you win. Are you ready? Is it? Close. It is not. It was the Stone Temple Pilots. Stone Temple Pilots, too. And Vaseline. That was Mikey playing. That's right. That was me playing. Sorry, man. Oops. Okay. M1 Scuff from San Diego. Are you there?
All right, Woodsy's going to play something for you. Ready? You got mine in there? Yeah, I got it. Okay. Let's start with the verse. All right. Tom, Teddy? Yeah! Yes, buddy. That is correct. That is correct. Well done. Thank you. Thank you. Hang on. Nice work, pal. Enjoy that NASCAR, buddy. Yeah, but she's also into Elvis, right? Yeah. But she loves Jesus. She's crazy about Elvis. Crazy about Elvis. She likes horses, too. She does. Mikey Show, who's this? Hey, this is also Scott from San Diego. Scott from San Diego? You can't call twice in a row, pal. I did not. I promise I did not. All right, this time we're going to go with L.O.B. Okay. And you've got 20 seconds. Here we go. Okay. Title or artist? I'm surprised. I think I know this, but Lady Gaga? Yeah! That is correct.
Well done. Well done. Yeah. Wow. Woods loves this song. I do. Who doesn't? I know. Woods loves him some Pokemon. My wife hates it. I love it. She hates even more than I love it. See, I don't believe that anybody really hates that song. She hates it like she hates Rush. I don't think it's possible. It's too catchy. She doesn't like the... Yeah, I don't like that part so much as the... Oh, that's jam, that part. Sorry. I don't want to throw my hands up in the air. I just did. Let's see. M1. M1, Keith? Yep. Last one. You ready? Yes. All right, Jay's going to give you this. Here we go. 20 seconds. You got 20 seconds. All right. Oh, my gosh. Hi, I'm the worst kazoo player ever. You playing the right end? I am. Okay. Played with my nose. Do you know what that was? Do you know what that was, Keith? Can I try it for him or one of us? He's terrible. I'm terrible. Yeah, you do it, Woodsy. Let's hear it. I think I know what it is. I know what it is. That is better. I have no idea. A lot of pressure. Yeasty boys. Why was Jay so hot? I gotta get this thing tuned. It's so hot.
Mickey Mouse. I got a bad kazoo in here. Oh, my gosh. It looked like he had his finger over the top of the thing, too. Are you playing a flute? Oh, my gosh. It gives me a headache. I'm laughing so hard. Poor guy. Which one? That was great. That was so good. Oh, boy. So Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown had a debate Sunday. Meg Whitman went after him about the whole housekeeper situation, and we got audio from it. We'll do that. So proud of our girl, L.O.B. She's featured in an article on SanDiego.com. Yeah. In the San Diego business section, and it's about her being a comedian. Comedienne. A comedian. Who knew there was a difference? I didn't. Yeah, would you rather be a comedian or a comedian? I just say comedian, but apparently I've been calling myself a man for the past two years. Really? I don't know. I think it's kind of cool when you're a comedian.
Comedienne. Comedienne. Comedienne. Comedienne is so pretentious. Let's see. I'm reminded to let you know who we are. I'm Mike. That's Woods. Hi. It's L-O-B. Why do you look so scared? Sienna's usually there, but she's not here right now. Yes, I am. Hey, Sienna. Hi. What are you doing? Nothing. Missing you guys. Miss you too. I forgot how to do my Sienna voice. Yeah, you were doing it. I haven't even done it for a while. I forgot how to do it. I forgot how to do my Sienna voice. Mom. Mom. That's Jay over there in the knit cap. He's our producer. And that's Will. He works for Time Life. He's taking magazine subscriptions right now. You can give him a call if you want. Hey, Will, do you have a good price on a timeshare or anything for me? Yeah, that's right. Let me take a look at that for you. Do you have anything in the Poconos? Hi, can I speak to Mr. Woods, please? What's the latest donation that we have, Will? Or if you call my house, hello, can I please speak to Michael Espinarza, please? Is Mike Espinoza there, please? Nope, you must have the wrong number. Miguel Espajada.
May I please speak to Mike Esperanza? Esperanza. Esperanza. Is this Mike Esperanza? Mike Espinaza. Mike Espinosa? People say to me Espinosa sometimes. Oh yeah, you're on Mike Espinosa's show. They do? Yeah. It's every doctor's office that I sit in. The door opens and the nurse goes, Michael Esparna? I wonder what Rebecca is like at the doctor when they're like, Rebecca Esparza. And then this blonde stands up. And they're like, ma'am, I don't think you heard correctly. We said Esparza. Yeah, Rebecca Esparza. There's no way you could be an Esparza. Surely your last name is Johnson or Wilson or something like that. We're probably looking for a pregnant Latina. Yeah, exactly. So you can sit down. Rebecca Esparza. No, that's me. That's me. No, darling. No, darling. You must be Donna Kemp. Rebecca Esparza? No, I'm Rebecca Esparza. But you're a beautiful blonde girl with blue eyes. How can you possibly be? You were kidnapped. In my country, this is called Hell Against Your Will. Back in Hungary.
They call this a crime. You go to prison. Back in Hungary, we would ask, what is ransom? We will get you free. We will try to get you free. We get second, third mortgage on home to get unmarked sequential bills to drop off to wherever your location that you like. We will do. We call this human trafficking in my country. Let me ask a question to you, Rebecca. Why does your husband have so many tattoos on arm? Was he in jail? These are signs of war, maybe. Signs of war? He was a soldier? Yes. In my country, the only man that have this is prisoner of war. Or gangbuster. Or gangbuster. Your husband a crip? Yes. Is your husband a member of Black Street Gang? Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson. I'm sorry, Michael Tyson. Eddie Murphy? Michael Tyson, Eddie Murphy. Wayne Brady. Ving Rhame. Wayne Brady. Ving Rhame. Is this Pulp Fiction? Hootie from Hootie and Blowfish. Is he from Hootie and Hootie and Blowfish? Darius Rucker? Ruckers? Country star. He went country, right? He was Hootie for so many years then? Sing country.
So weird. So weird. Is he from Australia as well? This is the theme in your country? All I know is your husband is so small. In my country, they play a show called Fantasy Island. Your husband is identical to Little Diminutive Star. Oh, this is why he has a tattoo. Hermes Villages. In my country, we go to circus and we get to see. I, one time in Budapest, walk by, you call a freak show here in America. Little tiny, tiny men, just like husband. Lady with beard. Swallow sword. Many times, men like your husband have lobster. For lobster claw. For hands. Or tree stump for leg. Before I move here, and you tell me husband is so funny, I did not think that this is what you meant. That funny look, funny sound. I thought you meant to joke instead of inside show. I thought he make joke, not be little person.
But, you know. So be it. To each his own. Is this how you say? To each our own. To each our own. In your case. In your case. You could meet tall, handsome. Man, like Woods. Like Woods. You know. Like Woods. He tall and handsome. Yes. Hey, listen. Yes. He go to prison every now and then. And have. Temper like animal. But, you know, inside good person. You know, there is good side, bad side, right? Pro and con. You say Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde one day. How do you say one day I'm in the reader? And then one day, one day I am not. They say he turned green when angry like a... Incredible Hulk. Incredible Hulk. This is true in your country. Do they do this here? Do they have in San Diego the muckraker? They call it the dig up and make story about innocent people that just go out and try to have a good time. By innocent people, I mean so drunk, fall down, write article.
This is the song they play when Wood gets angry. Yes, when Wood gets angry. In your country, do they typically write articles about people who break no law whatsoever? Is that typical in your country? Let me say, in your country, if newly hired person on high profile show whom had to take drug tests and was very difficult to get through the red tape of Lincoln Financial. Is it good idea in your country to go to normal heights to pop? Typically in my country they lay low. Fly under radar. They don't normally point finger at soap. Yes. They don't, how you say, fly so freaking far above radar that president of company have to become involved. And Mikey loses his freaking mind. That's what happened in my country. Yeah, in my country, this not happened. Holy crap. In my country. In my country, we are afraid of Ken Layton. Because we don't want our decal. Here it all comes. Oh, boy. Here it all comes. It only took nine months. But this is only in Budapest.
Not in San Diego. You mean Budapest or perfect town, as you call it? Holy cow. That was a blast from the past. I'm going to throw up. I'll tell you what. Oh, boy. Who was that? I'm going to throw up. Isn't that funny? Oh, boy. That's so funny. You were just waiting by the phone, weren't you? I read the article. I know you did. Of course you did. You have it framed. Do you want me to sign it for you? No, I don't. Don't you? Do you want to know why I don't want you to sign it? Why? You love our show, Buzzkill. I don't like it. I don't think there's one funny thing about it. Why do you listen? Why don't you tell everybody about the article? You want me to tell them? Yeah, I went out. I got drunk one night.
I was missing home. I was lonely and sad, and somebody started mouthing off, and I got in their face, and then I got real... I pretty much did turn into the Incredible Hulk. And I went home and was escorted home. Captain Basecamp would never do that. Well, you've got to leave your mom's basement today. But anyway, there were no charges or anything filed, but they decided to write an article anyway about a non-news story. Non-news story? Yeah, somebody had called and ratted me out. Excuse me. Somebody had called and ratted me out to a local guy, and he decided to write an article. But you know what? Best thing that ever happened to me. So feast on that, Buzzkill. Did you get a ride home by the cab? I did. Not a... Well, you know. Yeah. Yeah. A cab with lights on top of it? Maybe. He didn't get arrested, though. Yeah, exactly. You can check public records. I'm not going to get arrested. And you needed to do the Unabomber for a while. You definitely have a copy of the public records, right? Yeah, everybody's tried to look. You have searched on all of us. You're not going to get me, pal. I love Mr. Layton. That's why I'm going to write him a letter. And I'm going to write a letter to Mr. Rick R. Jack. I know you will. What are you going to say to both of them?
I have my eye on you, boy. Do you? Yep. I got my eye on you, too, pal. You're a big telephone tough guy, right? I'm going to be watching you. Actually, we have caller ID that's got GPS on it, so we know exactly. Oh, no. Freaked him out. Yeah. Hi, it's us. Oh, look. Should we say his address on the air? Yeah, we should. Mr. Layton? No, it's a Mikey show. We're going to say your address on the air. No, it's us. You're on the air. What? Gosh darn. Passive aggressive. Son of a gun. I know it. He is. He is. That felt good. You get home and Nito will be like, I didn't get it at all. I don't understand. I'll explain it to you later. Show her the article. So Meg Whitman. Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown.
I don't like either one. Yeah, me neither. I don't want to vote for either one, but I guess I got to go by the party. Yeah, because that's logical. Well, what are you going to do? It's logical. Well, dude, I'm not voting for Meg Whitman. I'm voting so that Jerry Brown doesn't get elected governor. Meg Whitman was accused of, oh, she did this stuff with her. She had an illegal maid or whatever. For nine years. Yeah. Yeah. She said she didn't know basically that she was illegal. And once she found out, she fired her. And then we heard the maid with Gloria. Freaking all red. Crying. At her side, as usual. So here's Meg at the debate. You put her out there, and you should be ashamed for sacrificing Nikki Diaz on the altar of your political ambitions. So that's what she says, right? Yeah, that's crazy. And then Jerry Brown says this. You have blamed her, blamed me, blamed the left, blamed the unions, but you don't take accountability. Really?
Because, I mean, listen, not that, even if it was true, you know, I don't care. I don't want to, you know what I mean? Like, it's not going to, I don't think it's going to affect one way or the other how she runs the state. I don't either. And I think it's just stupid. So I don't know a lot about Jerry Brown. I've heard he was governor before I heard he wasn't the world's greatest governor. So, but that's the difference, Mike, and you and I, is that I'll vote for Meg Whitman, even though I lean more left than right. Because you don't like Jerry Brown. Right. Do you not like him or are you saying if hypothetically? If hypothetically. Like I would vote for the best qualified candidate, not based on party. I am non-partisan. So get it. This is nine grooming habits that us dudes have that turn all women off. Off? Yes, turn them off. Is a ball of powder on there? That shouldn't turn women off. Turn women on. Mine are still tickling. That you're all clean? Yeah, it's great. Smelling all lemony. Smelling fresh. Fresh, dry. Like P. Diddy down there. It's true, it's true. Nine grooming habits to turn all women off. Jacked up toenails. Oh, yeah. Of course. Check. It's awful. Back knee. Back acne. Disgusting. Yeah, I had one. Sastra Beck, I go, this is it.
She goes, yeah. And I go, can you do anything about it? She goes, not yet. A couple days. Yeah, they got to give it, got to rise to the top. Oh, but I was going to say, it's a little bit, it's a turn off, but then it kind of balances itself out because I like to pop. It's so filthy. Only with your boyfriend, you said. Yes. Grow up. I know. All women love doing that. I know. It's so fun. It's so filthy. It's like a minefield. Gross. Women do not like guys with chewed hangnails. Woods. I got all of these, except for the bacne. I think I have chewed hangnails. I do not. What are chewed hangnails? When you chew the sides of your fingers. Oh, so there's like skin. The side of your nails, yeah. I get them all the time. Do women look at our hands? Yes. I don't think so. They do? I like rough hands more than soft hands. All the men's magazines. Say that they look at hands? What? They say you need to have well-manicured hands. Yeah. You can have rough hands, but also have nice nails. You don't want crap under the nails. Yeah, and not long nails either. Nose hair. Yeah, that's true. Check. We don't have it now. Get rid of that. We got it all waxed out. All handled. But we got it. Yeah, I guess women don't like that. That's gross. Filthy. There's like, I don't know. I guess when you're looking to date someone, there's differences. Because you get used to stuff once you're with someone. Yeah, but.
In the beginning? Yeah. If you went on a date with him and you noticed, it would crush you out, right? Yeah, definitely. Freshly popped zits, if you notice that on a guy. Yeah. Of course, right? Maybe you don't have zits. Yeah. It happens to everyone. Yeah, I mean, you don't get zits ever? It's one and a quarter? I'm usually the first one, like, if I've got a zit on my face, I'll be like, oh, just got another, I got a partner in crime with me today. Yeah. I go, look at this banger on my forehead. Yeah. I get, like, one and a quarter. You guys met my friend? Yeah. My nurse? He's my pal. Yeah. I get him on my nose. Ouch. Shoulder or back hair on a guy? Filthy. Turns every woman off. Filthy. Shoulder hair. Check, please. Right at the back of my neck, right on the bottom of my neck, I got a little patch. Filthy. I shave it. I shave it. I don't care. I shave it. It's not there. You can't see it. Disgusting. It's not there ever, Woods. It is not disgusting. Disgusting. Really? It is not. I'm hairless. You're bouquet? I'm hairless. No, you're not hairless. Except for my nose. Oh, gosh.
Unibrow. Which some girl accused me of and I don't have anything close to a unibrow. Who said that? I want to dislike her. The waxer was like, do you have a unibrow? That's right. She was just asking. She looked at all of us. She was saying, do you have a unibrow and I'll take care of it if you do. You might have a couple of... stragglers. And I know I have like one straggler. That's like when I go... L.O.B., do I even have a straggler? No, but I've gone to get my eyebrows waxed and the lady would be like, you want a mustache too? I'm like, I don't have a mustache. You guys gonna kiss? It's perfect. Get away from his face. I don't. Oh my gosh. I don't pluck. Your eyebrows not bad though. It is bad. It just depends on how bad it is. There's certain things that men just have that you don't want them to be too groomed. Yeah, but L.O.B., one eyebrow? But sometimes there's a little bit in here. Yeah, I mean, that's not. You don't want to look like Noel Gallagher from Oasis. You don't want to look like a caterpillar's crown crush. No, but I tend to lead towards guys with their dark skin, dark hair, and usually the darker you are, the more chance of a unibrow. Yeah. Every woman hates body odor. Yes. I'm the opposite. I am so well-groomed. Body odor's gross. Yeah. I'm psycho about it, too.
None of you guys smell. Well, sometimes Jay because he doesn't wear deodorant. That's insane. That one day I had men's deodorant on. Oh, when you sleep over a dude's house. No. That's all you're going to have to choose from in the morning. I bought it by accident in New Orleans. I know. I was with you. Sweating. You were also wearing Afro sheen that day. All over your shirt. All over your shirt. Chapped lips? Yeah, that's filthy, dude. Some guy with real chapped lips? Don't kiss me. What if a girl had real chapped lips? Like she's been on the beach all day? I just, you know, the only people that have chapped lips are Tom Hanks in Castaway. I've gotten chapped lips. And people that climb Everest. Dude, when's he has? Exactly. When's the last time you saw someone? Well, you have to go outside to see him, Mikey. Well, I've never seen, you don't see anybody. Look it up on the internet. Yeah, you know what you're going to find? Everest. Yeah, you're right. Guys standing, planting a flag on the top of Everest. I'm going to see Bear Grylls after 40 days in Brazil. People don't get chapped. Hurts just to think about. People don't get chapped. Yes, they do. I do. I do, too. I do, too. Maybe they do, but not to the point where it's like, oh.
Wow, look at that guy's got some chapped lips. I think I remember in high school some kids having... Do you guys remember in high school the kid that had the mustard on the side of his mouth? How about the guy with the white stuff right in the corner? Yeah, you know what I call that? I call that nya. Oh, that's great. You know why I call it nya? Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya. Plenty of adults get nya. It's filthy. It's so gross. How does that get there? I don't know. Why does it turn white and cottony? Why won't somebody tell them? Nobody tells. You got a little white smegma. You got a little schmutz. If I know the person. I don't think you can say that word, by the way. Smegma? I don't think you can say that. You can't. What is that? Nothing. I'll tell you in the break. Is that a real word? Yes, it is. It is. You guys know all kinds of dirty words. Oh, my God. You don't. I just left my body. FYI. L-O-B during the break. Won't repeat it. Everyone knows that word, though. I put my hands over my face and I went, oh, my gosh, you dirty bird. Oh, yeah. The last break? Yes. Ridiculous. I don't ever act on any of these things I say. I just say them.
What is toasted skin syndrome and are laptop users at risk? I wonder if I have this. I'm a laptop user. Tell you what it is next. All right, Woodsy, so what is toasted skin syndrome? Well, Mike. Sounds so disgusting. It sounds gross. You would be able to see the picture of it, but I was doodling all over it all day. Is it like Magda from Something About Mary? Kind of. Basically what happens when people rest a hot laptop on their nude laps for an extended period of time. You better watch your piece, buddy. You'll get some toasted skin. What does it look like? What are the symptoms? Here, hold on.
Mike. In one case, a 12-year-old boy developed a sponge pattern skin discoloration on his left thigh. He played a computer game a few hours every day for several months. Maybe go outside. Yeah, this other girl, six hours a day working with her computer propped on her lap. I don't put the laptop directly on my lap. Where do you put it? I have a little holder. Of course you do. I want a little holder because I don't, every time I watch like movies or Hulu. Bed, Bath & Beyond. It's on my lap. Just go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I put a pillow, but then I'm afraid I'm going to start a fire. I always have it on my lap. Not me. Like on the couch when I'm doing my stuff and it gets, I'm like, ooh, it's hot. They say it can be 125 degrees on that thing. Oh, yeah. Be careful. It's like the surface of the sun. I have a, mine is a. It's like a pillow on the bottom and the top of it's wood. Wood, yeah. And it's made for laptop. It's like a beanbag almost. It's like a beanbag. My grandma had one of those. Yeah. I'm going to get one. They're good. Just watch me. You want to do new releases? Yes, please. Now, this is DVDs that are coming out today and music that's coming out today. You want to start with DVDs or you want to start with music? Music. Okay. How about David Archuleta, The Other Side of Down? This is American Idol guy. Other Side of Get. You liked that for a second. How bad.
See, I squashed this. I don't care. All I listen to is a voice. I don't care what the name attached to it is. I don't care what it carries. Sounds like Adam Lambert singing like a ballad. I just like the voice. Sounds good to me. Reminds me of my wife walking in a room. It's too soft for me. Next is Guster. Easy Wonderful. You can't just give the band a name if they don't have one. Have you ever heard of Guster? No, I'm a plebeian. I'm going to have guster. Idiot. Moron. I followed them all last summer on tour. Yeah, why don't you get their tweets going? It's good. I followed them and ate Rice Krispie Treats with hashish in them. I like that. Mikey's killing himself. This sounds like it would have been in the movie Youth and Revolt, which Mikey hated. Yes. Or like in the Zach Braff movie, maybe. I hear it and I can just hear people hating me. Juno. Yeah. Oh.
Brace yourselves, ladies and gents, for Toby Keith, Bullets and the Gun. Get. Kind of sounds a little raw. I hear it, and I just don't want, like, if I'm hearing this in a bar, I don't want anyone to know I'm Mexican. Yeah. Get killed. Get a rope, boy. That's not raw. Hey, hang on, hang on, band. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Stop playing. Who's that short brown guy over there? Drinking Diet Coke. He's like, yeah, let's get him. Oh, are you talking about me? My name is Ralph. Ralph Thompson. I'm very tan. I'm just tan. I went to Acapulco. I mean, I mean, I mean, Cancun. I mean, I mean. Where'd you grow up? Scottsdale, Arizona. All right, man, let's do this. Oh, I can't stand it. It scares me. I know. Bruno Mars. Doo-wops and hooligans. Uncle Cracker. You don't like this. Where have ye been? You don't like this, Woods, because you don't like that garbage, man. You don't like Sublime. You don't like anything that sounds reggae. Hey, man, let's smoke a joint and go to the beach. Get. Drive around on our convertible Sebring. You think that dude that's singing that's driving a convertible Sebring? Or a Mustang. Maybe a Jeep Wrangler.
Yeah, or maybe like an old convertible Firebird. Yeah, really? Yeah, with a surfboard sticking at it. Tricky, mixed race. Is that a guy or a girl? Girl. It's a girl. It's a dude. Is it? I don't think so. It's a guy. It had a girl on the album cover. Oh, so Blink-182 singer is Janine. She did not look like that model. Then around the fur from Duftown, she's like, that's a guy? That's Gino? She was on multiple CDs for this. Is Tricky a girl? I don't know. I'm not into it. It's a girl. Hold on. No. Yeah. Hold on. It's a he. It's not. I'm looking at it. Wikipedia. You clown. Duff Leppard is a girl diving into a pool, right? It's a dude. As a producer and musician.
He is noted for a dark, rich, and layered sound. L-O-B. I don't think that's who I put on the ray then. Perfect. There's the new tricky, everybody. Maybe, maybe not. KT Tunstall, tiger suit. I'm not going to tell you who, but someone that we know who will remain nameless, but his driver's license says Craig Balbin. is over at the house the other day, and we were talking about concerts. He's going to kill me, by the way. He's going to kill me when he sees me on Thursday. Talking about concerts. The first concert we went to, and he's like, we're all seeing him, and he says his, I don't even remember what his was. It wasn't bad or anything. But I'm walking into the living room, and I hear him go, I went to Lilith Fair. Oh. Like with a girl? With a girl?
No. With a dude. To pick up chicks, right? I went to Sarah McLachlan. So did I. With a dude. So did I. With a dude? Oh, no. You can't do that. Gay guys don't do that. I know. I won tickets from a radio station. Oh, my gosh. And everybody goes to me. My boy Kevin and I. Maybe find a date. My boy Kevin and I were like, we both liked it. We're like, we'll go. You want to go to Sarah McLachlan? We'll go pick up some chicks. Yeah. McLachlan. Yeah. I got to get a new dress. I did. Because I don't have anything to wear. Oh, my God. I got to get a pedicure. I'm not afraid to admit it. It was great. She's dynamite. I saw Sarah McLaughlin with Rebecca. How about Sarah McLaughlin? Did you ever see her? Stop. I can't remember. You stole those tickets? You stole it. I stole it. There you go. There you go. Stole? Yes! Are you messing with me? Because I thought you said it was stole. It is not. It's stole. Oh, my God. No D. Drop the D. I will never remember that. Maybe go back at your GED. Really? Oh, wow. You said one the other day. I didn't call you on it. Well, like what? You creep. I don't remember. Never. Never. Yeah, you did. I don't mispronounce words. Yeah, you did. I do all the time. I don't. You did. Call me. Remember. Next time you say it then. You say it sometimes, so I'll remember. Okay. Next time you do. Next is Donovan Frankenfurter. Frankenfurter. Donovan's a big friend of our friend, Sanuk. Great. Sanuk?
The shoes that we all wear. I like Sanooks. I'm not necessarily big on Donovan for neither. Frankenfurter. Frankenfurters. Frankenfurters. Frankenfurters. Donovan Frankenfurter. What was I doing? I could just hear her in that, you know? You don't like Donovan Frankenfurter? Plebeian moron. You ready for DVDs? Mill worker! All right. Nightmare on Elm Street. Nine? I guess. 17. Is that true? Yeah. It's out on DVD. Nine? I don't know. Six? Five? What's it say? It doesn't. It just says A Nightmare on Elm Street. Maybe it's the first one. No. And it's out on, maybe it's on a Blu-ray. No, it's with the new guy, the guy that played Kelly. Oh, they remade it. In Bad News Bears. They remade it. It was so creepy. They remade it. Yeah, they did. I would not watch that. What else? The Human Centipede. It's out on DVD. Are you just going through new releases for the first time right now? No, I looked at them earlier. You did? The Karate Kid. So you handpicked these already. That's all that's out. Don't worry about it. You're scrolling through the page right now on Amazon? The Karate Kid. Maybe you do it. I'm doing it. Yeah, I'm doing it right now. Karate Kid. 2010. Out today. Don't point at the screen. That's not going to make it any more professional. Jaden Smith's kid. Jaden Smith. It's right there, Mike. Check it out. Holy Rollers. What is that? It's a movie. Just reading?
The Secret of Kills. All the murders. All the horrors. Splice, of course, is out. Is this like a particular genre? I don't know. The Oxford murders are out today. There's nothing really worth a flip out there. At least in horror. Yeah. It's featured, you clowns. Look, this is what's out today. He's right. This happens to be a bunch of scary movies. The Exorcist director's cut. Cummings Farm. I mean, this is terrible. Gangs of Baghdad, Ghost Adventures. There you go. Bunch of horror films in time for Halloween. Oh, yeah. It's October already. Space Chimps. Space Chimps, yeah. Love Ranch. Are we dressing up for Halloween? Yes. We are. Let's see what day it is. M1 baby kittens making me a costume. It's on a Sunday. Halloween's on a Sunday. But we'll do it that Friday. We'll do it Friday. When everyone's in here. We've got to make sure all the M1s that are coming in are going to get it.
Costumed up. You're screaming ones. You're screaming. Maybe the M1s that come in, they dress up as us. Oh, I love it. Yeah, if you get picked that day, you have to dress up or you get sent home. And you have to dress up as one of us. I like it. Are we going to dress up? Yeah, I'm dressing up. I'm going to dress up as me. No. We have to dress up as something else. I'm going to be Elvis. I already have a costume. You're going to be Elvis? I don't have a costume. Jamie's going to be Priscilla. Maybe Catherine Noy makes me an outfit. She's great. Thanks for telling me three weeks before. I don't know what I'll do. I get so much stress about dressing up on Halloween. Because I already feel overweight. I feel overweight and I feel like anything I put on is only going to make me look like a fat version of that. Oh, look, it's a fat toaster, everybody. You should wear a nude bodysuit is what you should wear. Just a nude bodysuit. Look, it's an overweight piece of corn. You should be Captain Buzzkill. Holy crap. What would he wear? What would you picture him to look like? That's what you wear. He's like beside himself right now listening to us. Captain Buzzkill? Yeah. Mikey's going to dress up as me. Captain Buzzkill wears sweatpants. Red sweatpants. The kind with the elastic on the ankle. Strip club sweatpants. He wears those. He wears a obscure sci-fi t-shirt. Like something that we don't know what it is. Borrowed from Jesse. It's like...
Something Space 4 Director's Cut Criterion Edition T-shirt, and it's black, and it doesn't cover all of his stomach. Oh, gosh. He constantly pulls down at it? Yeah. White socks and Tevas. Mm-hmm. White socks and Tevas. And a captain's hat? No. Captain must kill. His hair is just all... Matted down. He wears glasses, too. He does? No. I don't know. He wears a wrist guard for a scarpal tunnel? Yes. Definitely. Yes. Sorry, Sienna. I know you do too sometimes. I love you. You know that. Does Sienna wear it? Woods, idiot. Sometimes she does. She has to sometimes. She does? It hurts. Trying to get her bowling average up. You think you're so funny? That Mikey's going to dress like me? You are excited and you know it. I'm not excited. I don't think it's funny and I don't dress like that anyway. Don't you? No, I don't. What color are your sweatpants? I don't wear sweatpants. I wear designer jeans. Do you? You don't wear DJs? Levi's. Mine are. They're from Hungary. You hang out with Mikey's nanny? They're imported. Are you getting inappropriate with Mikey's nanny?
No, I'm not getting inappropriate. Do you want to find her on Facebook and stuff? I have a girlfriend. Oh, okay. Really? Yes. What's her name? Harriet. Harriet. Harriet. Harry for short? Yes, Jay. Harry for short. I'm going to write a letter to Rick R. Jackson and mention your name in it, Jay. Thanks. How many letters a week do you write? Four. Four a week? On average. On average. How do you like it? Are you upset? What's your problem? I don't like that you're trying to portray me, assuming I'm not. You're our number one M1. I'm not. You are. Would you like to know a secret, L.O.B.? What? I know so much. Do you like... Buzzkill, do you like Mikey's testimony on Fridays? I don't like that this station is being overrun with right-wing conservatism. Christian right-wing conservatism. When you're supposed to be all about the music.
I don't hear any of the music that I like. Yes, you do. Hillary plays it. Listen from 10 a.m. to 6 a.m. Why don't you guys play the cramps? I don't know. We don't play music, so. Play the cramps. The cramps? We're a comedy show. You have cramps? Ha, ha, very funny. Do you need my dog? Are you on your period? Ha, ha, very funny. Oh, that explains why you're so crabby. Yeah. You have crabs? Oh, you have crabs? That is nuts. Whoa. I love to get under old Buzzkill's skin. Nope. You can't call 911. No. No. I guess he still lives with his mom. I guess that's been confirmed. Yeah. Hey, I'll take a, well, just the usual. This is Buzzkill. Yeah. What would you like on that today? Everything. Would you like a Coke? Just bring me two two liters. How about wings? You want some wings with that? Is that freaking L.O.B.? Now we know what the usual is. Now we know what the usual is.
Really got under his skin. Two two liters. He'd have got away with it if only he hadn't noticed you guys. He has. Captain Buzzkill has a face to me. I see him. I see him too. I see him all the time. I think he's a good guy and he's going to come visit us at our next. Radio station. Our next event. Our next radio station. Your next station. Forget about your next meet and greet. That's not happening. Broadcast from your basement. Why don't you guys go to Woods' house? Set up some mics. Have a grand old time. Imitate me. Do whatever you want. You mean at the Z90 meet and greet? Why don't you play that monkey mail that you did about me yesterday too, Mike? That was really hysterical. Is that what the comedies come to? Punch stuff into a computer, make a monkey talk? Maybe that's who we should have hired. Probably would have done a better job. A tugging monkey. Oh, man. That's what gets you number one, huh? Really freaking highbrow. Yeah, highbrow comedy, guys. I'm going to kill you, by the way. Yeah. Really appreciate the show. I'm going to slit your throat. Oh, my goodness.
Me either. You know, Ole Ander said it best when they said, I can't take this anymore. I said it best when I said, I hate Mikey. I'm dying. Dying. Wait till I tell you about the world's strangest vending machines and what's inside of them. It's insane. It's insane. It's next. That's a great song. Woodsy introduced me to that. I love it so much. Robert Plant. All the King's Horses. All the King's Horses. Yesterday, I was laying on the couch and it was raining pretty, you know, good steady rain. You could hear it the way the windows open. And I put it on my iPod and I go to Jamie. I go, is this not the perfect song for our house is pitch black? You know, I was like, this is perfect. Yeah. It's perfect for a rainy day. God, he still got it, doesn't he? Yeah. My eyes. What happened to you? Did you get shot?
No, when I wipe my eyes, they burn. Jalapenos. Oh my God, Hillary's face. We talked about it earlier. Oh my God. That was the most offensive thing she did. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Stop, Woody. Please tell me you were really handling how it happened. Oh, my gosh. Stop rubbing habaneros in your eyes, buddy. Make your eyes water. Stop it. Well, now I've got the oil that's on my fingers. No, what is that? That won't help. That won't help. That's what it's for. It's for red in your eyes. And itchy. It is. Yes, you know that. But you're burning, aren't you? No, you want me to do it for you? No. Do you need to do that? Do you have to have somebody hold your eyes open? No. We're all watching my name. Oh, that feels good. This is gripping radio. I told you. Give me the cap. That's so lubricating. Now he's crying. Oh, that feels so nice. That's what I'm saying. Did you hear that, Hillary?
It's killing me. It's killing me. You have some tattoos. Did you ever react that way? When I heard that, I was like, that's how I wish I could be when I get him. Yeah. Because I've had, I mean, I've almost passed out. I have a huge piece on my back and I have my little half sleeve and stuff. Yeah, it hurts. But you have to get in like this. Zen place. You have to get in this little zone. You do. Jay is a creep. I'm a creep. What's he sniggling about in there? Because she said she has a big piece on her back. I didn't even catch it. He's so creepy. That's his job, Hillary. I apologize. How did I miss that? I don't know. Because it was said in an appropriate way. Because he sniggled. I guess I'm losing it. Apparently I'm losing my touch. Boys, boys, boys. Strangest vending machines and what they have inside of them. All right. This one is in Italy. You can get fresh pizza. It's pretty rad. You push a button for your desired toppings, tomato, bacon, ham, or fresh vegetables, and watch as the machine mixes and kneads the dough, adds the topping, and bakes it. Between five and eight bucks. Yeah, great. You just wait there 45 minutes, and then you have a nice piece of pizza. Maybe. Sienna will love this.
Gold bars. No. And the airports in Abu Dhabi, Frankfurt, Bergamo, and Moscow, you can buy gold bars. Wow. You're like, babe. Do you have a million dollar bill? Exactly. Do you have a million dollar bill? Because we're going home and I want to get the kid a gold bar. I used my last one. Yeah, I want to get our little baby. I want to get Jake a gold bar. I want to get Jake a gold bar, and all I have is a $100,000 bill. They do real-time prices, so they were quoted $50 for a one-gram gold bar. But it's duty-free. Exactly. What does that mean? Duty. You don't pay duty. What does that mean? There's no duty. No taxes. That's what it means? Yeah. Why is there no taxes? How do they get away with that? Yeah, how do they? You're traveling. It's because of... This is raw eggs you can buy in Japan and California. Outside of Santa Cruz at Glom Egg Ranch. That's where Manson, that's where those guys were. Glom Ranch. No. Spawn Ranch. $3 gets you 24 cage-free chicken eggs. Maybe the strangest reference you've ever made. Really? Maybe you guys pick up on some stuff.
Gold Glom Ranch. It was a joke. Yeah, there are three Charles Manson fanatics out there right now. I'm one of them. Can we move on? Idiots. You morons. You didn't even get the Glom Ranch reference. Nubian. Gold handcuffs. At Miami's Mondrian South Beach Hotel. That's where I stole that robe from. Oh, you can also buy a condo there. Through a vending machine. What? Condo. Yeah, a condo. Not a condom. A condo. Or you can rent a 53 Cadillac DeVille convertible. What? Through this vending machine. For the super high-end items, buying a car or a condo, you pay a deposit, which you lose if you later opt out. Wow. Does that have a picture in that kind of thing? No. That is taking, like, impulse buy to the next level. Absolutely. You can buy Fev Mikey. You can get a feather vest for $400. You put your credit card in, and there's maybe a key to the condo? Maybe. It's like, babe, babe, babe. I want to tell you, I'm going to get one of these condos. Yeah, they probably put that thing right next to the bar. Yeah. Absolutely. Heck yeah. How much is a condo?
In Florida, they're going for like $20,000 right now, aren't they? I mean, it's bad news. Live bait. I've seen these in Texas. They have live bait vending machines. Yeah, if you want to go fishing and the bait store is closed, you can put like two or three bucks in. You get night crawlers. They come out the thing. They're still alive. They're still alive. This is crazy. Bicycles. In the Netherlands. Where else? That's awesome. That's cool. Yeah, it's a bike dispenser machine. World's biggest vending machine. Yes, and you run out bicycles for up to 20 hours, you bring them back. That's great. That's great. This is crazy. Shoes in England. You can buy shoes. Women's or men's? $75 a pair, both. You can buy them. Yeah. Yeah, and yeah, you can buy some shoes. And then you can buy books in England as well. Out of a vending machine. You guys seen those red? So classy. Those movies, the red boxes? Uh-huh. Red box. Sounds like their philosophy is not why, but why not? Mm-hmm. I guess. I like that. Certain things I just don't think you should get that way. Mm-hmm. Food is kind of- Condo. Yeah, condo. You can buy a condo. Hill, what do you got coming up? I grabbed some Black Keys and The Temper Trap and Edward Sharp, another song off that Up From Below record and KJLFO and stuff like that. Cool. Yeah. Cool.
Lovely and talented Hillary is coming up next. And tomorrow morning at 6, we'll come back. We'll do it all over again. What's today? Wednesday? Thursday? Oh, thanks a lot. We'll be back tomorrow. Mikey shows out late.