The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 10/07/10

1:02the show. We are broadcasting live from downtown Mission Valley. Maybe you keep your face behind that mic for the rest of the day. Maybe you leave me alone. I can't do it for four hours. I just can't do it. It isn't that bad. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. Jay didn't even notice. It's because I wasn't looking at you. Because he's stoned. Now I can't look at anything else but you. I mean. It's a mustache. I know. I mean. Mistake. It's terrible. Only because you pointed it out. I had a mishap. You look like Mick Mars from Motley Crue. Stop that. It's like, you know I love you. You're like a brother. Like an older, shorter brother. But that is terrible. It is Hitler. You have the reverse Hitler. You know that you're like a brother. Yes. Older, meaner brother.

2:05A younger, meaner brother. It's not that bad. Lauren, it's terrible. Yeah. Well, I mean. Yeah? No, no, no. It's not good. Okay, so. It's not that bad. I purposely. Well, I've just been laughing for the last two hours since I got here and when I saw Mike. And tell me what happened. Because I didn't even ask you because we decided to save it for the air. I blogged about it. You did? I have almost a phobia about shaving underneath my nose. And because there's not enough control on the razor. And so I... Oh, yeah. Aren't you guys scared of cutting your lips? Do you have the one... It's not cutting my lip. It's shaving too much. So I was shaving under my nose and I shaved too much. And then I overcorrected it. Yeah, you could say that. Yeah. It's a big overhang you got there to work under. It is. And then I went, well, I'll fix it by...

3:07going the other direction. And then I went, no, you can't do that. You got to go this way. And then I went, oh, I did too much. Way, way, way too much. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It's not that noticeable. It's so noticeable. Chris says it's not that bad. It's not that noticeable. Isn't it? He doesn't want to be fired. Let's let the M1s decide. How noticeable it is. Oh, well, they're going to be looking for it. Here, I brought my camera. I didn't see it right away until Woods started pointing and laughing. It looks hysterical. Yeah, Lauren didn't notice, neither did Jay. Woods, he noticed immediately. Go ahead. There we go. Hey, pal. Did you just start shaving? How many times do you think you shaved in your life? 15,000? Have you never nicked a little much? I've nicked my skin and put a piece of toilet paper. You clean shave. He's got a mustache and a goatee to work with. Have you ever been doing some shaping? I don't shape. He doesn't shape, so he doesn't know what he's talking about. He can't grow a beard. I'm trying. It's my playoff beard. I don't shave until the playoffs are over. Really? My playoff beard. Until my team's out of it. Yeah, this is going to be gnarly. Hopefully.

4:39Hopefully I look like Joaquin Phoenix in about three weeks. That means if I look like Joaquin Phoenix in three weeks, that means we're world champions again. Yeah. Well, I think you have a good chance of that. I really do not, but that's okay. Word of the day is marbles. And what do we got, Jay? We have a SeaWorld four-pack spooktacular. Worth $2.36. Easy for you to say. Maybe. Is that right? Yeah. For sure. So sometime between now and 10, I will say the word... Mustache. Marbles. Shut it. This is the last we will speak of it. What was the word of the day again? Mustache. What was it? Mustache. No, because we would work that in too quickly. I would work it in the next sentence. Your mustache looks ridiculous. Shut it up. See... You see how your mic is... You're going to give me a complex. I can see your lip for the first time. I can see your lip for the first time. There's a plus side of that. Since 2001. What are you doing? Are you putting it on the Facebook page? Put it on the Facebook page. Are you going to put it on your page and say, hey, there's a picture of Mikey on my face? I'm going to punch you. Hey, this is reverse Hitler.

6:07Shut up. It's the reverse Hitler. Okay, Hitler shaved the left side and the right side of his stache. You're going to hurt my feet. And he had this one under his nose. Mikey shaves the middle right under his nostrils and leaves the sides. He didn't do it on first. I tried to overfix it. Question. What? Why didn't you just shave the whole thing off? Because it- You look in the mirror and you go, yeah, I'm going to roll with this. I'll tell you why. Because when that girl came in and- Pulled the- pulled my nose, waxed my nose, she pulled a little bit of my mustache off. I thought that was really bad, but everybody said, you can't even notice it. And so I'm like, I'm probably overthinking this. Yeah, well, I think maybe strangers wouldn't notice, but now I'm staring at it, so yes, I noticed, but I didn't when you walked in. It's really not that. And it probably will grow pretty quickly. It's terrible. It's terrible. Terrible. I'm looking at the picture now. I'm going to put it up. Oh my. Did you put it up? No, I'm still working on it. Now I'm getting a side view. It's even worse. Oh, Woods. You're going to give him a complex. You're going to freak me out. He has a complex already. Well, don't spit him out for the show. This is supposed to be a fun show. I'm having fun. Yeah.

7:24You guys have me cracking up all the time. I just picture if it was me, the abuse that I would be getting right now. Oh, I would slay you. Oh, of course. But then if he was like, seriously, you're hurting my feelings, you would go, really? Am I? He's fine. We're not going to speak of it. Yes, we are. I'm going to have to sit. It's not that bad. It's terrible. Have you ever... I'm going to find this picture. You guys know who Mick Mars is? He was the guitar player for Motley Crue. They did a documentary on them, and he had the middle shaved and then just the sides, and it looks like Mikey. You look like Mick Mars. Except you have a little bit more on the left than you do on the right. Yeah, you didn't even it out. I would have shaved the whole thing. If it was me, I would have shaved the whole thing. I'm not going to even it out because if you even it out, you really draw attention to it. You should have shaved your whole face bald. No. No. You got to start with scratch, pal. Oh, my God. You grow a pretty good beard, so you could have it back in a week. I'm petrified of this going up. You should be. No, it's not that bad. It's just facial hair. I'm going to do it tomorrow's a bit. Actually, I'm not touching my playoff beard. Never mind.

8:41Chris didn't even notice our phone screener. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. Woodsy's our sports guy. L.O.B.'s our assistant producer. Sienna is out on maternity leave. Jay is our producer. And our phone screener is Chris. 5701949. Call and love me. Love me. Just wait until you see the picture. It's going up. It's loading. Love me. Wait till you see it. Oh, there it is. Make your day. It'll make your day. You have a nice upper lip, Mike. Thank you, Lauren. Oh, my gosh. Get that brown off the end of your nose there, Lauren. I am trying to soften the blow. That doesn't look that bad. It looks kind of... No, it does. It does look bad. No, it looks bad. Your missus hasn't seen it yet, has she? She's sleeping. Yeah. Oh, boy. She's going to love that. She's going to go, hey, maybe you mess with your facial hair some more.

9:44Over the last couple weeks. It'll be a softer kiss. Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Oh, that don't look right. No. Can I see? It doesn't. Yeah, you can see it. Oh, boy. At first I go, that's not that bad. And then I go, that's even worse. Wow, with the flash on it draws attention to it. I mean, it's not that bad. If you want to see it, it's at the... I love you. All right, you already said that. You already said it. Don't anymore. I'm knocking immense words, man. It looks absurd. It looks absurd. Oh, the first comment is not good. Yeah, it looks absurd. So what do we have in news today? Mikey's mustache, for one. 5701949. If you want to see it, facebook.com slash Mikey Show. Brace yourselves. Urban Survivor. 7 o'clock, we got a brand new urban survivor to do for you. Was he in a barber shop getting his mustache done? Wow. I'm sitting in a barber's chair. I've obviously never shaved my own lip before. I have a dull razor. Maybe that's the next one. That's a funny one. Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. Ride you like a thoroughbred pal all day, all right? Oh, stop. And I'm going to make fun of you.

11:21It's the greatest day of my life. Get me out. Get me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. This is the greatest day of my life. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays. No, it's not. It's the Thursdays. It is Thursday, isn't it? Yeah. I thought it was Wednesday. That's great. We're going to talk about Halliday in a minute. Yeah. We're going to talk about... Don't look at me, dude. I'm not. I'm just working. Don't look at me. M1Chad from San Diego. Are you there? Chad. Chad. It's Chad. What's up? I love your show, by the way. Thank you. And one day, I was shaving my beard. The whole middle part of my chin. Oh, my gosh. I shaved the entire thing off. How did you do that? How and why? Well, I was just trimming it. With the clippers? With the clippers? With the clippers?

12:29Yeah, the Clippers. Those are the torture of all men. Yeah, they are. And so I shaved the middle part and had to shave the whole thing off. I got made fun of looking like a 12-year-old. I can only imagine if I had to do that. I'd be messing up all the time. When I lived in Dallas and I was single, I was going out with Bark Malman one night. And I did my hair up. You guys know how I wear my hair. I kind of put it up. And it was, you know, it was a little bit longer than I liked. And I grabbed those clippers and I go, you know what? I'm going to give around the ears a little trim. And then, so I did that and it was fine. Then I go, I'm going to take a little off the top, just off, like off the front and dug into my head and had a bald spot in my head. Yeah. And I went out, I met Bauman. He goes, dude, why do you have a hat on? I put my Yankees hat on and we went out and he's like, you realize you're the only clown in here with a hat. You look like an idiot. You dress like a gentleman when we go out. And I said, dude, look. And I took it off, and he almost fell off of his bar stool. But then my bit the night when I was meeting girls, I was like, look what an idiot I am. Loved it. Worked like a charm. Maybe try that, Mike. You guys probably do that all the time. My hands are sweating. Sideburns. Yeah. Sideburns. Thank you, Chad. You guys are awesome. I love your show. I listen to you guys every day. Thanks, brother. We love you, bro. Thank you very much.

13:55All right, man. Thank you. My hands are sweating. Yeah, they should be. Calm down, Mike. It's not that bad. Your head's sweating. I can see it from here. It's giving me anxiety. He's getting anxiety. Why? What's the worst that could happen? You'd have to shave it off and then go back. Let me tell you the worst that can happen. I'm glad that you asked. I think that that's a reasonable question. It is. That deserves a reasonable answer. The worst that can happen is that people can look at the picture on Facebook like they are now and make the following comments. OMG, shoulda evened it out. M1 Harrison. I especially enjoy this one from M1 Emile. Michael the Catfish Shannon. How about this one from M1 Cornell? Does it make you walk in circles? Whiskers. How about this one from M1 Tim? Oh wow, that's noticeable. Worse than the waxing. M1David, shave the rest of the stash and save the chin goat. Chin goat? Chris, I need you to go to CVS. No way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No way. You shave right now? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. What will you do? You'll just keep the goatee? Shave the mustache off.

15:26It's going to look hysterical. Oh, this is awful. This is so awful. Just leave the handlebars on both sides. Oh, it's going to look hysterical. It'll grow back. Me, me, me, me. It will grow back. You know who it happens to? You. Yeah. Look, he's giving Chris cash right now to go to CVS. Chris is like, great. Really, it's not that noticeable. What's he supposed to get? I'm sure you don't want just regular stuff. You probably need something. I need shaving cream and a shaver. And some man puns. A shaver. Razors. Do you need, like, a Venus? Really? Yes. How much did you give him? Here. I'm going to give you some more money. And I'd also like a pistol and one bullet. Pick up a box of Massengill while you're there, too. Some man puns. Can you also get me? Is Jamba Juice open? We're going to just order on air. It's not open yet? No. Then let's have you wait. We'll have you wait. So good, I get to look at this monstrosity for the next hour or two. This is the greatest day of my life. It's not a monstrosity. It's just a mistake. It's a mistake. It's a big one. No. It's a must-take. A must-take?

16:52It's a mistake. It's a mistake. I've had worse, Mike. I've had green hair before. That's bad. I have no hair. Oh, the comments are coming. Don't look at them. Just close your laptop. M1 Brian says, you look like a Klingon. You do look like a Klingon. Our listeners are brilliant. Brilliant. M1 Joe. M1 Joe. Dude, you're dumb. Oh, boy. M1 Harrison. This is the most I've laughed in years. M1 Christy. Dot, dot, dot. Really? Really. Wow, there's a lot of comments on there, huh? Oh, yeah. It's awesome. We're just getting started. Why me? Why not? Why not you? Of course it's you.

17:56Did you read the one that says, look, it's Hop Singh from Bonanza? Oh, honorable Hop Singh. It's Hop Singh from Bonanza. I have no idea. No, no. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. I'm trying to change the subject. Oh, this is great. Yes, I will go get you a razor and shaving cream. Calm down. That's a girl pushing you away as you lean in to kiss her. Oh, wow. Well, you know what? It's okay. It'll be a change. Rebecca's going to love it. That's sexy. Yeah, she's going to love it. It'll be great. You know, it's not as if I have a lot to work with. That's the issue, you know? It's not as if I have a lot to work with. Just wait till your missus wakes up, logs onto Facebook, and sees what her husband, 40-year-old, Mike Esparza, has done. 40 years old, mind you. I wonder how many women out of 10 would look at me and say, I think he's attractive. Mike, stop it. Now? Yesterday, more. Let's leave it at that. Yesterday, more would happen. I would say that today, two women might say it.

19:26No. That's two more than I thought. But they are two women in Mexico without husbands. And without eyesight. No. And that definitely need LASIK. Helen Keller would. She would be all the way in. He's one of the hottest. He is gorgeous. But it would be because she'd be feeling my face. Yeah. She would say he is very handsome. And then she would be like, what's that? What is? See you later. Never mind. He's hideous. I'm hideous. I am not an animal. I'm not an animal. 5701949. Let's talk about Roy Halladay. You sure? Yes, let's talk about him. Why don't you want to talk about him? I do. It was like, I'd like to talk about his mustache for the next three hours and 49 minutes. I would not. But we can't do that. Anyway, so yeah, let's get into a little bit of baseball talk. Man, I'll tell you what. I have to go home. I know. Let's lock in. We're going to lock in here. Yeah. Did you see the game, Mike? I saw the last three innings. Okay, which is really all that mattered yesterday. So you saw him get the no-no. I did, and I was worried that last pitch. Hit the audio. Hit cut one. Listen to this.

21:00What an amazing thing to watch. I'll tell you, man, this guy was languishing in Toronto. He was their ace for years. I mean, they'd win, you know, two games out of five, he'd win one of them. You know, he was amazing. Never made the postseason, ever. Yesterday, they give him the ball. It's his first postseason start for his new team, the Phillies. He'd already thrown a perfect game earlier in the year. His stuff yesterday, I've never seen anything like it. I've been watching baseball since I was five years old. It was the most I hate the Phillies. Hate the Phillies. Can't stand them. Just, they repulse me. They're a National League team. What's up with that? Yeah, why do you not? Well, we played them in the World Series last year, and they're fans. They have a little to be desired. But I was screaming. Jumping up and down. So excited. He was texting me. I was texting LLB. The no-hitter, not even in my opinion, fact, is the most exciting thing in sports. There's nothing more exciting. When you're watching that guy and he's got one out to go or two outs to go, you want to vomit. And you can hate that team. I have clapped for a Red Sox pitcher that threw a no-hitter before. It is just something that transcends the game. Well, not only that.

22:24But your thoughts go to what is he thinking? Yeah. What's going through his head? And those guys that are out in the field, they're like, oh, God, please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. What if I have to dive and it scoots under my glove? I just lost the no-hitter. How many years was he with Toronto? Ten. It was Toronto? Yeah, Toronto. Ten years? Ten years. Something like that. languishing in Toronto, no postseason, and then finally has the chance to go to a contender. Last night is his opportunity. He gets up there, and for seven straight innings, puts him down. But those last two innings, he's tired. How much is left in the tank? Does he have enough to be able to pull this thing off? The Philly fans are freaking out.

23:31They're all waving those towels. Facebook is blowing up. Twitter is blowing up. It's almost as if the entire country was trying to tell each other, get home and put this game on. Even my wife was interested in it. People that aren't interested in the Phillies were interested in seeing this guy that didn't have a chance with his other team get up there and do his thing. It's 8 o'clock at night on the East Coast. So everyone on the East Coast is home, and the entire city of Philadelphia is tuned in. And Roy Halladay gets up there and pitches only the second no-hitter in the history of postseason baseball. The 0-2, bouncer, Ruiz. Pretty awesome. I did not watch the game. How did you not watch the game? Sorry, I let my...

24:52What the heck? I don't have TV, but I was getting texts from Woods. I talked to my parents back home, and then my Facebook was just blown up with everyone from home just talking about, oh, Roy Halladay's pretty good. Yeah, I put on our fan page. He's going to have trouble getting a beer bought for him. Somebody wrote something that was brilliant. The guy could rob a bank in Philly today and nobody's going to do anything. No jury would convict him. That was hysterical. That was great. Playoff baseball for me and for a lot of people, it's different. The thing that makes baseball different than football or basketball is that there is no timeout. You can't run out the clock. You can't dribble out the clock. You can't take a knee. Every single pitch, man, the game can change on a dime. And every single pitch, every ground ball, pop fly matters. And it is just three to four hours of gut-wrenching. It's just gut-wrenching. And then to top it off, to have a guy go out and throw a no-no in his first postseason start, they were saying this morning, it's the greatest moment in Philadelphia sports history ever.

26:09Period. Really? Yes. Mike Schmidt, who won a World Series in Philly in 1980, who is a legend in Philly, said, without a doubt, this is bigger than our World Series win. Wow. I don't know if I agree with that. Brett Musburger made some very shocking comments yesterday. I'll let Woods save it for Woods on Sports. But I'll give you a hint. It has to do with steroids, and you're not going to believe your ears. What's next? Word of the day is marbles. So when you hear me say marbles between now and 10 a.m., caller 9 will get a four-pack of SeaWorld tickets. And Chris just got back with the razor and shaving cream. And as soon as we go into commercial, I will fix this. Attaboy. That's going to look even funnier. FYI. Is it? Yes. Why? It'll look normal. It'll look like a normal thing. It'll look like a thing that people do. It'll be fine. People don't do this. I don't know that a... Very few people do just the handles and the goatee. No, people do. Few. I mean, it's not... People do the goatee and no mustache. I don't think it's a popular choice, is it? You're going to leave the handles, though, right? The handles? These handles. No, I can't. These are going to?

28:07How do I leave these, dude? What did you think I'm going to do? No, no. Shave here and here. No, that's dork. That's dork. I know. Oh, no. That's brilliant. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. I had a shaving mishap, and there's a picture of it on our Facebook page. Maybe somebody does that. For Halloween costume for Mikey. Maybe they dress as Mikey and shave the middle part of their stash and do reverse Hitler. 42 comments. Yeah. In 20 minutes. Just getting started. Oh, yeah. M1 Matt says, well, you can finally eat soup without straining it. But how will you save the flavor? M1 James asks, do you not have a mirror at home? Were you shaving in the dark? Was it dark? No. You've never done that before? Overcompensated? No. M1 Justine says, just showed the picture to my son who's learning to shave and told him, quote, this is a shaving don't. M1 Jim asks if I'm drinking again. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not drinking again. M1 Steve says,

29:50I'm uncomfortable. Fine. I made a mistake. Not that big. 5701949. Woodsy's going to tell you about Brent Musburger and what his shocking comments were in five minutes. Urban Survivor coming up at 7. There was an environmental disaster in Hungary. My brother told me about it, and I was asking our... uh nanny nita because she's from hungary she's from budapest and uh luckily her entire family is okay and none of her friends or family were affected by but what happened there was a a reservoir that was next to the an alumina plant i'm assuming that it's aluminum it says alumina i know but well maybe that's hungarian maybe well anyway um

30:47A big wave of toxic red sludge started kind of washing through this place. And what they're saying is that four people have died. Four people have died. A truck carrying a couple of people flipped over. It was like a flood. Yeah, a flood of sludge. It's almost... running into the Danube River right now, too. Which runs right through the city. Yeah. It's really, really sad. They were advised not to eat produce from gardens that were covered when the dam burst. Yeah, one million cubic meters of thick red mud. What they were going to do in the river was they were going to put, like, plaster so that it would soak up the red sludge. But it was, I mean, it was giant. Yeah. What they had was a reservoir. They had an aerial photo before it happened. And picture a dam. Right. And on one side was all this red sludge. Well, it broke. Yeah. And I thought, that's what they keep all this stuff in? Yeah. Like a reservoir? That wouldn't fly over here. No. There'd be hippies and trees real good. For sure. Just burning germs out there. Oh, yeah. Just protesting real good and barefoot. Until that thing came down. Sign me up. Eating tofu sandwiches. Yeah.

32:02There would be LOB, grilling tofu outdoors. Fish would be playing like a benefit. It'd be chained to a tree. Yeah. That's right. 570-1949. Well, the sludge causes burns and eye irritation. I bet. It does. It's nasty. It is nasty. I was really happy that, you know, nobody that, you know, Nita obviously has a lot of friends, a lot of family. And it was in a kind of rural area. Did she know about the sludge? Had she heard about like... Yeah. Yeah, her friends had told her because she Skypes with everybody. Right. And so they had told her about it, but that they were all okay and that nobody was in her circle had been affected by it. That's good. So she just has... She doesn't have that to deal with. She just has me walking around the house to deal with. Do you guys eat? dinner together every night. Does she like what you guys make or does she make her own? No, Rebecca cooks and Rebecca makes her and Nita vegetarian stuff. And they both like the same stuff. Yeah.

33:08She likes everything. Like salad sandwiches. Yeah, salad sandwiches. Yeah, salad sandwiches. Rebecca made salad sandwiches. That's filthy. At one point. It's not filthy. It's just interesting. To somebody like me. To me, too. I would never have a salad sandwich. To me, it looked like a leprechaun. To me, it looked like a leprechaun. Me, too. But for her and to... To me, it looked like a leprechaun to me. I got you, honey. I got you. I got you. We do. Yeah, to them, it's completely normal. When she sees you today. When you walk in the house, she's going to say, do you, in my country, when man shave, man who's 40 years old knows how to do this, right? Did you hurt yourself and fall this morning and cut your lip? In my country, when man shave, he use light. He turn light on. Even in...

34:03Hungary, rural Hungary. Yes. Man use candle. Yes. Or lighter, cigarette lighter. Yes. Something. Something. Man shave by lightning before do this. In my country, man make decision. Mustache yes or mustache no. But he never in middle. No, say half. He never go down middle and say, okay, I go to work now. Yes. I do both. Man never in my country say. Mustache, yes. Mustache, no. I know. I do both. Half and half. Man in my country, in Eastern Europe, never say, I want to reverse Hitler. My mustache. Yes. That's the good, cool, new look. Yes. Is this popular in the United States? In my country, man would never, oh, how do you say, let pride have him go to work. Look like that. Yes.

35:03In my country, a man would have pride before go to work. Yes, yes, that's how we say. In my country, you don't want to look like a fool. A fool? This cause embarrassment. This weekend, I know that I say... I go to dinner with you and Rebecca. I think I'm getting a little bit of a cold. I stay in so that me, you, Rebecca, not at the same table in the restaurant. Embarrassed? Embarrassed. Already embarrassed, but more embarrassed? Mike, don't read into this question, but in American, how do you say shame? Let me ask you another question. Another way. In your country, it's okay to look silly because you work on radio. Nobody see you. Is it because you're on radio nobody can see? No one care. They can see your diminutive little body and mustache. That's why you work in radio. But don't you care? In your country.

36:29Coworkers now tell you, hey, that's not right. Oh, yes. I'm trying to learn custom in America. So in America, is it that it is rude to tell a friend when he look like fool? Is it rude? I just want to understand. For future, you are okay. Oh, so I can... Shave middle of head in America. It doesn't matter. No one would say. No one cared. No friend say, oh, this look foolish. You look like an idiot. Idiot. Oh, my gosh. In your country, people try to shoot football between your mustache. Don't go by Nate Kading because he tried to kick field goal through your face. Wow. That's funny. Ella B. got me, man. She said that her house smells like damp moss. It just smells like damp moss everywhere now. Everywhere. Because of, I guess, the rain and stuff. Yeah. She said her running shoes were out on her porch and they got soaked and they might be ruined. Now, this is the part that I... This next part is the part that I highlighted and put question marks next to.

37:56I almost decided to have a hardcore dance session around the house, but then I decided I would run barefoot on the beach instead. What is a hardcore dance session around the house? She has her hand in her. She has her face in her hand. She's beet red. She's beet red. She's beet red. She's red like if she shaved off the middle of her mustache. That's what she looks like. That's what she looks like. Oh, boy. What is it? I will turn on... Like the music that I clean the house to. Like Britney Spears. Mm-hmm. Like pop dance music. Pop dance music. And I strip down to my skivvies. Oh, my gosh. And sometimes I'll do routines in front of the mirror. Oh, my God. Were you lipsy? No. Yeah, B. No, I do like...

38:56Serious face. It's like you're a choreographer. You teach choreography. You're trying to run the girls through the routine. Can you show us a little bit? What would you do? Could you stand up and show us? No, not the skivvies. We're not close enough at this point. I won't be able to hear. You keep your headphones on. I need a lot of room. I'll take running starts and be high kicks and stuff. Oh, my God. Maybe she does it in a meet and greet. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, sing through karaoke. I wore skinny jeans to a meet and greet. Marooned. Skinny jeans. I wore skinny jeans. This is the kind of stuff you only do when no one's around. Even when I had roommates and stuff, if I heard someone coming, I'd be like, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh. I wonder if girls, and I know that they do, are listening right now and they're like, I do. Oh, I'm sure. It's actually a very... But you're a 29-year-old woman. Yep. It's a very viable alternative when I don't feel like going for a run or going to the gym because then it's going to be really crowded. I'm like, oh, I'll just have a dance party. Do you ever... Solo. Do you ever do this and you're looking in the mirror? Do you ever, in your head, do you ever go, pretty good. Yeah, I do. You go, not bad. I look and I think...

40:17Would that look weird if I did that at a wedding? Would it look too planned? Do you ever do this? Do you ever, when you do this, do you ever think to yourself? Do you ever go, I could maybe do this for a living? You do? I do. I'm like, man, I really wish when I was like eight I got into dance because I got some moves. You should put a DVD out. Lauren O'Brien's Dance Workout. It would sell like hotcakes just for the pervs that are out there. Oh, my gosh. Come on, guys. Give me one more. Is it perverted if we want to see her dance? No. With clothes on? No, that's not perverted. But what guys are doing right now in the privacy of their own home is perverted. Shut your mouth, you weirdo. That is perverted. Sick pervert. I'm not the pervert. No, a little bit of a sick pervert. They're out there, though, I'm telling you. Right now. Takes one to know one. I'd have to slow it down and start to do some sort of interpretive moves. Right now, this part? Yeah, and gear myself up for like a big... Big finish? Yeah, big finish. Would you be like going, like slinking down? Yeah, I would slink. And at this point, I'd be spinning around and around and around. Unbelievable. In the privacy of her home. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's unbelievable. And thinking to herself, bad. It's not too shabby. Look at her. She's got rhythm. She's got rhythm. She's definitely got rhythm. Oh, yeah. It's like a meeting with her. Anytime you sit down with her for any later time, she's always like. She's always dancing in her chair. Yeah.

41:47She's dancing away out of trouble. I want to know. I hope that there's other girls that know what I'm talking about. They do. I'm sure they do. Okay. Yeah, call us if you do that. It's really fun. Do call us. Yeah. And then Jay, I look at Jay, and he's got this giant smile on his face. Jay's like, send pics as well. Yeah, if you can send pics. Makes it even creepier. Yeah. Send videos. Videos. Dot MOV files. Pictures, posters. Creep, creep, creep. Index cards. Just put some drawings on them. Whatever you got. 5701949. You call us, talk about whatever you want. Halliday's big night. Throwing his no-no. No-no. I'd never heard that before. No-no. No. It's pretty awesome. You had a pretty good game. Let's see. Mikey Show. Hello. Yes! You do it too? Oh my God. The funny thing is though. We'll be like when I was in Vegas and I'm like watching the go-go dances and I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm not even trying that hard. Like, I could totally do this. I have thought that too. How old are you? I've thought that too. How old are you? I'm 23 years old. I'm a third grade teacher. Yep. That's what, listen, Lauren is 29.

43:03And she does this. She has full dance routines. I've thought before. I'm like, okay, I wouldn't strip, okay? I wouldn't take my clothes off. But I could probably be a go-go dancer. I say that all the time. I'm like, oh my gosh. And you do like a workout because they work like all night. I could totally do this. That is so fantastic. I love it. Yeah, I'm like, if the teaching thing doesn't work out. Yeah, I know. I've thought about it. This third grade thing doesn't work out. I could probably get some boots, and I can do this. Some shoes with goldfish dancing in the bottom? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It'll happen. I love you guys. Love you. You too. Bye. Mikey Show, hello. Hi. Hello. Hi, Dad. This is Luke. Hi. This is my one-year-old son, Luke, who is a twin. His twin brother is Ryan. They are one-year-old. You're going to sit on it all day. I just did talk about it. You have a twin brother named Ryan. No, no, no. That's not what I mean, and you know it. You're going to give me a little plug? Are you appearing somewhere? I'm not, but my Facebook page is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a friend request. I did, too. Mikey, you're not on there. Of course, I hit you up there, Britney Spears lover. And dad, nice stash, by the way. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm going to need you to let the M1s know.

44:28all about it, that I have my own Facebook page under Luca Sparza. I thought maybe you'd mention it, but apparently I was wrong. Are you on it now? Yeah, I'm on it now. All right, well, you're on it. You do too much of that stuff. I've been on it since 2 a.m. Get off of it. Okay, I'm off. No, you're not. You don't just say, oh, I'm off. Oh, look, here, hold on. Click, click, I'm off. Click, click, I'm off. Just shut her down. Mike, you don't even have a Facebook page, and your one-year-old has a Facebook page? I used to have... Don't worry about it. I used to have a Facebook page. I no longer have a Facebook page, and... Couldn't handle the heat, huh, pal? Oh, boy. Yes, Luke, I couldn't handle the heat, and I'm not pal. I'm daddy. Are you? Yes, I am. You look like a Klingon. All right. It's my one-year-old son who has a Facebook. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen your Facebook page. You don't know Reggie Bush. I was at a party, dude. I'm not dude, I'm dad. I said dad. I was at that party. I played golf in Vegas. You've never been at a cabana at the Palms. It was literally the wildest day ever. Was it? In your one year? Was it the wildest day of your life? Really? Because you've been alive for 13 months. Let me put it this way. It was the wildest day of your life.

45:54Okay? It was insane. It wasn't the wildest day of my life. Yes, it was. I know you've done this. What went on in that cabana, you have never seen. Your little delicate eyes have never seen anything like it. Nothing went on in the cabana. You were at the swimming pool with your mom. I was in the cabana. And when she wanted to put you in the pool, you cried. I was in the cabana. Oh, you cried? No, I didn't cry. I was in there with Heidi Montag. You weren't in there with Heidi. Oh, really? By the way, his likes. Angelina, Megan. He just mentions them by first name. Little angels. Little angels. What's one of your quotes that you have on Facebook? Yeah, that's one of his quotes. And like when, hey, I get this from my old man. Hey, you really have a terrible attitude. Your attitude is terrible. And I look at him and I go, man. And he does. It's ridiculous. What's your point is the bit, you know? And then here's the other one that I get. Lukey.

46:57Lukey, what? What? I'm hard to him from time to time. What? I'm hard to him every now and then. What's up with your profile pic? Well, hello, B. I have a little bit of a checkered past, and that was a picture that my mom took on visitation. She came to visit one day a week for 30 minutes, and I got out on good behavior. By the way, I didn't know about that. No, you didn't. It's a picture of him. If you knew what mom... And the other two guys that live here, and then that brother lives here. And if you knew what we kept from you. The other two guys that live there. Are you talking about your brothers, Jake and Ryan? The guy who runs around with the accordion. Oh, gosh. That's Jake. Your big brother. Okay, and then who's the dude with, like, the longer hair? It's Ryan, your twin. Your twin brother. Are we twins? You don't look alike, but that's because you're fraternal twins. Oh, okay. Whatever that means. But here's the deal. Political views.

47:57Hillary Clinton? Yeah. Peace. Religious views. Do you know who my dad is? I thought you'd like that one. I'm looking at this. Oh, here's another of his favorite quotes. What time you get off? Yeah. Yeah, well, thanks for stealing my joke because I was just about to say, hey, Klingon, what time you get off? Hey, Hopsing, what time you get off? Hopsing! What is... What is under your photos? Party at Diddy's. Yeah, it was at Diddy's house. Party. P. Diddy? Yeah. Puff Daddy. Well, Sean. I call him Sean. Where'd you get that hat? I got it from Woods. Why do you... He's got a... The quotation under one of these pictures where he's got this glare says, getting my stare on? That's right.

48:51Stare on. Well, mom won't let me curse on there, but it was going to be a little bit filthier than that. You can rest assured. The next picture is a picture of Reggie Bush at what appears to be a party, and it says my boy Reggie at Diddy's. Yeah. Are there privacy settings for babies? Kathy, call out. I know your bit. Maybe zip your lip for once. Okay, one time. Did you write? Did you write? Did he write on your page, L-O-B? Yeah, he wanted to know about my niece. Have you seen her? How old is your niece? She's almost seven months. Younger. Just like you, Dad. Just like you. You're a creep. Don't be a creep. Hey, the creep doesn't fall far from the creep tree, does it? I gotta go because I need to do some Facebook. Get off of Facebook. Get off of Facebook. I get off at 10 a.m.

49:50to come home and not watch baseball? Okay, all right. I think I get the point. Hey, are you going to hit Sir La Table on your way home or maybe you can come home and watch some baseball with your son? No? Okay, I figured. All right, Sally, I'll see you when you get home. Sally! Oh my gosh. This is a bad day for me. He just put you on a spit. He said, all right, Sally. Sally. I'll see you when you get home. If the slipper fits. That's right. This is what's going to happen next. We're going to go into commercial and I'm going to shave. Yeah. When we come back, we're going to do Woods on Sports. And we're going to tell you about the shocking comments that Brent Musburger made. And I'm going to recover from my son Luke having a Facebook page. We'll be back. You guys ready? I'm ready. I just shaved. Are you ready? I'm ready. You ready? Oh! Oh my God.

51:31I like it. Oh my God. Oh my God. It makes you look taller. It makes me look taller. I was not prepared for that. Wow. Oh my gosh. I was not prepared for that. Oh my God. You sure got a pretty mouth. Okay. Oh wow. I like it. I like it. Do you? Look at Woods. Woods is... Woods is... Oh, wow. Look at Lauren. Look at Lauren. Oh, wow. Oh, look at Jay. Look at Jay. Take pictures of their faces. That is amazing. Take pictures of their faces. Oh, my gosh. Freeze. Wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Take a picture of Lauren's face. No. Freeze, Lauren. Freeze. If you're just tuning in, I had a... Oh, wow. I had a shaving mist. I can't even look at you guys because of the looks on your faces. I can't help it. I had a shaving mishap, and I... Oh, wow, look, I can't look at anybody. I had a shaving mishap, and I overcorrected. And so it looked ridiculous. Woods has his computer bag over his face right now. Oh, wow. And I had a shaving mishap, and so I'm sweating, I'm sweating, I'm sweating. And so I decided that...

52:56I was going to shave off my stash because it was weird. You look like your brother. Yeah, you do. Identical. To my brother Steve. Not identical. Identical. I want to see the whole thing on now. Yeah, me too. Wow. Can you imagine him with no facial hair? With no facial hair. Should I shave this part off? Unless you want to be like Scott Stapp. No. You should leave it. Wow. Maybe I just leave this right here. Yeah. Did you get a picture? Oh, that's creepy. That's so creepy. We'll put them up. You should take one right here so you can put it up next to the other one. That's a different dude. That's a different camera. Yeah, you look different. I feel so weird. Do you feel naked? Does it hurt? That's got to hurt a little bit. It hurts? No, it doesn't hurt. Do you have any aftershave? Let me see. What? Did you get any aftershave? I had aftershave, yeah. You did? Oh, no. I mean, I had shaving cream. Did you have lotion or anything? No. Is that going to bother you? I don't think so. That would drive me nuts. I don't think so. This is really weird. It's weird. I feel like you look younger. Yeah, he does. He looks like he's 14. You do. You look like a little kid. Really? Makes me look younger. Yeah. Yeah. Try it. Why don't you shave all of it? I want to see what that looks like so bad. Yeah, me too. By the way, my wife is hearing all of this for the first time. She's going to die. I wonder if she's gone on Facebook to see it. She's seen you without a mustache? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, in 93. Yeah. This is different.

54:42That's different. It's so weird. I can't look away. Yeah, me neither. We're just staring at him. Well, Brent Musburger, how are we going to do a show? Because I know you're going to just focus, focus, focus on it. I just can't look at you. Lauren just keeps... I can't look at you. It's so different. It's so different. Lauren keeps, every time I make eye contact, she just laughs. The smile looks bigger. It does look bigger. I was thinking that. What is the deal? Who are you? I don't know. Where's my friend Mike? Leave me alone. Where did Mike go? Why does facial hair make that much of a difference? I don't know, but it really does, right? You look younger. You look like a kid. My wife doesn't like when things change. She's like her husband. Yeah. It's going to be soft when she kisses you. I know she's going to think she's cheating. She's like, yeah, finally. Finally, I'm going to kiss somebody else. Good Lord. Maybe you shaved 30 pounds. Oh, stop. Stop it. Get Rebecca on the phone. Jay. Gotcha. Your smile does look bigger. It does. It's clownish. It looks so big. Oh, what? It is. It looks like three times its normal size. It looks.

56:05Clowny. I don't mean... I mean you look like a literal... Mike, I mean you look like the Joker. The Joker, yes. You look like the Joker. Smile. I mean, you look like Bozo. He looks like the Joker. Yeah, I'm definitely motivated to smile now. 5701949. I'm getting used to it now. I'm not. I'm glad I wore a hat today. Oh, wow. I'm getting used to it. Oh, that's creepy. It looks like you would drive a van. Woods. Stop it. I don't know. He looks like he would drive a van. I need to shave the rest of it. Then he'll freak out even more. I know. I know. Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine with nothing? Do I look nice or mean? You do look nice. You look nicer. I look nicer. You look nicer. You do. I do? Yeah. You look less intimidating. Yes, 100%. And you do look taller. Taller. It's so weird. Your heart's pounding? About 150 beats a minute. Yeah, I'm feeling my heart right now, and it's pounding. Because we're staring at you like you're a specimen. Are the pictures up? Are the pictures up? Trying to get your wife on the phone. Nope, not yet. Still working on that. She's that answer. I tried the home phone. Did you try the cell? I'm going to try that right now. Okay. Luke has 40 friend requests. Oh, my gosh. No way.

57:34Power of radio. I wonder if people will wonder if it's the right Lucas Barza. You know, an infant behind bars. Visitation day. 5701949 is our phone number. All right, well, let's move on. Word of the day is marbles. If I use that word between now and 10, you'd be calling 9, you'd get a SeaWorld 4-pack. Holy cow. What did Brent Musburger say, Woodsy? Should we do it? Yeah, let's do the whole thing. I'm really thrown off. Do it right. Let's do this. Oh, wow. Oh, gosh. Oh, wow. He just looked at me and he got it. What's On Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Mustache Center. I'm sorry. Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. You guys know who Brent Mustache is, right? Oh, Musburger. Yeah, Brent Musburger. Brent Musburger. He's on the lead announcing teams on eight.

58:47ABC and ESPN. He told the University of Mustache that steroids have no place in high school athletics, but they could be used in the pros under doctor's advice and doctor's care. So he goes, listen, you know, I've heard that people say steroids should be banned. You know, the thing about steroids is they work. You can't say that. You can't say that. Because they're dangerous. You can think it. You can't say it. So this doctor, his name is Dr. Gary Wadler. He leads a committee that determines the adverse effects of steroids. He says, listen, I'd love for him to spend a day in my office, and I'd show him basically all the negative and terrible things that steroids can do to your body. For example, liver cancer, heart attacks, elevated cholesterol levels, and also increasing irritability and aggression. And Musburger, like you said, you can think it, but you don't say it, man. And you don't say it to a bunch of college students either. Also, Redskins' Clinton Portis is out four to six weeks with a groin injury. So he's going to be on the shelf. I was lucky enough to go in and pick up his backup yesterday.

59:58Pretty brilliant move, I must say. Ryan Torian will be getting the starts for the Redskins. And Donovan McNabb hasn't been playing that well, so they'll probably be running the football. Gearing up for my meeting with Mike here in a couple weeks. I thought they just won their game with the Eagles. Yeah, they did, but they haven't been playing that well. He hasn't been playing that well at all. He threw a touchdown. Great, dude. Derek Anderson's thrown a touchdown before. What is he, George Blanda? No. Not this last game. But they're saying already the fans are turning on him in Washington. Are they? Yeah. Because of that win that he gave him? Maybe read the paper. Also, let's go with Cliff Lee, the ace of the Texas Rangers yesterday. Came out and he... There was another pitcher in baseball yesterday? Yeah, there was actually two more games yesterday. Cliff Lee shut down the Tampa Bay Rays for the Texas Rangers. He was filthy. Struck out 10, allowed five hits, and the Rangers cruised to victory over the Rays, which I'm very happy about. And then let's get to the evening game that your boy...

1:00:57Was pacing about all freaking day. Woods is a Yankee fan. Oh, man, I'm a huge Yankee fan. I bleed for those guys. Well, they fell down early, 3-0. And it was trepidatious in my house. It was not a place that you would want to be. No, I wouldn't. You wouldn't want to be in my house last night. Oh, boy. You just wouldn't. I wouldn't. My wife gnawed off all of her nails. Just gnarled. She sent me a text picture of the TV before the game started. Woods. had a shrine. Yeah, just a little one. Really? Just a little three thing. Pictures of Yankees. No, no, no. Framed pictures. It was Mickey Mantle. Framed. And then it was my Mickey Mantle bobblehead. Yep. And then it was my CeCe Sabathia autographed baseball under the TV on the show. On the mantle. Yeah, there's nothing weird about that. Nothing weird about either when my wife got up from her seat and Michael Kadiar hit a two-run homer against the Yankees and I screamed at her that she knows better and to get back in her spot.

1:01:57And you don't get up in the middle of an inning. You wait. She knows better. This is like her ninth postseason with me. I swear, last year, she walks out of the room. Two-round homer by the Rays. I'm like, dude, you're trying to kill me? What if she has to go to the bathroom? At one point, she did. She's like, I'm going to pee in my pants. I go, I don't care. I go, there's two outs now. One strike. Just wait. You're fine. Just hold on. Please. That is a woman that loves you a lot. She does. She does. Obviously. Yeah. I'm like, hun, find your spot that you're going to be in and just be there. Okay? But Yankees did beat the Twins. It was the Twins' 10th straight postseason loss. And, man, I'll tell you, you know, the great Ric Flair once. From the professional wrestler from the WWF at the time? Yeah. He once said, in order to be the man, you have to beat the man. He was wearing a feather boa. So I want you to take that and I want you to spin that around your mustache for the rest of the day. I don't have a mustache. Spin that around your... I don't have a mustache. Naked upper lip. I shaved off my mustache. Think about that for a second. In order to be the man, you have to beat the man. Yeah. The guy that said that was wearing a pink feather boa. He wasn't wearing any clothing except for a tiny little speedo.

1:03:17And he had bleach blonde hair. We are still the man right now. We are still the champs until somebody proves us different. So that's, I'm going to act accordingly. It was a mullet. Yeah, it was great. He was great though. That he had. Ric Flair was brilliant. It was the great Ric Flair that also said. That's what's on sports. My wife is on the phone. Nice. Hi, babe. Hi. What happened? I had an accident. You had an accident? Uh-huh. He didn't drop his sippy cup in the kitchen, so don't fret. Yeah, I was in the shower and something about shaving your mustache off. No, I didn't shave. What happened was this morning as I was getting ready and taking a shower, I was shaving under my nose and accidentally nicked a part of my mustache.

1:04:17And then I went to correct it and I overcorrected and I thought that it wasn't that bad. And other people thought that too. Jay didn't notice. Lauren didn't notice. Chris didn't notice. Woods noticed. I noticed when Woods noticed. So did Jay. When it was pointed out, it was very noticeable. Pointed with laughing. And there is a picture of what it looked like on our fan page on Facebook. Doesn't look like that now. So I didn't want to leave it that way. So I shaved off my mustache. You did? Yes, I now look like a Greek philosopher from the year one. He's done this before where he's shaved off all of his facial hair. He looks so different, huh? I did it for as long as it took to grow it back. He looks so different, Rebecca. I'm getting used to it, though. I'm not at all. And that's the thing. He's always said to me, oh, you don't like it? And it's not that I don't like it. It's just that it looks like he's a different human being. Yes, exactly. It changes him so much. Yeah, he walks in the kitchen like, who are you? Yeah.

1:05:41This is my house. It's a little scary. Where's my husband? Why? Yeah, where's my husband? Yeah. She does not, if I grow a beard, she doesn't like it. Yeah. She just wants a goatee. That's more gradual, at least. This is like, whoa. Yeah. This is like, oh, boy. Are we putting the picture up? Chris just motioned over. Cross. Just motioned over towards, well, you know, it's a guy over there. It's a responsibility to get this thing up. So were you really tired this morning or something? Really? Were you using your fogless mirror that fogged up? I guess it's just bits. Should we just do bits? No, no, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you have an accident, like a shaving accident? You ever made a mistake? There you go, pictures are up. Love of my life, you ever made a mistake? Did your arm twitch a little bit because you were tired? Lauren? You ever just make fun of Mike? What time did you go to bed last night? Oh, wow. There's a picture of me. Wow. Oh, wow. Went to bed pretty early, didn't you? Got a good night's sleep? I did. Yeah. What time? He took pictures while I was shaving, too. What time? Oh, wow. I'm not good looking. Oh, babe. I'm not a babe. You know, listen. I'm a nice person. You're a good looking man. Stop it. You're a sharp guy, dude. That day at the Del Mar Fair, those cougars were all over you. Yeah, they were. Weren't they, Rebecca? Yeah.

1:07:10And vice versa. No, that's not true. He refuses to admit it. Oh, my gosh. It was ridiculous. That guy's like George Clooney over there. He puts on a sport jacket. Yeah. And grows three feet. Honey. Yeah, baby. I love you. I love you. And you're handsome no matter what you do. That's so sweet. Oh, that's weird. Just before you say that, Rebecca, you may want to check out the pictures. You may want to check them out because it looks real, real different. Did you shave off just your mustache? Did you shave off the side part, too? I shaved off the mustache. We're going to shave off the sides now. Yeah, all right. Here's what I want you to do, babe. I want you to look at the picture and then I want you to tell me what I need to do because you'll know. Maybe you'll say, maybe you go, maybe you go. And by the way, we were in the bathroom and I said to Chris, I go, Chris, should I shave this part right here? And he goes, I don't want any part of the decision. He goes, I don't want to make that call.

1:08:20I'm absolving myself of anything. Yeah, that's right. And so what I want you to do, babe, is I want you to go and look at the picture on our Facebook fan page, and I want you to tell me what you think should be done. Yeah. Call back. Maybe I just leave it. I'm going to look right now. Is that my boy, Jakey? Yeah, he's here. Hey, will he recite the thing or no, the color splash deal? Or should we not? No. You don't want to? No. Because she's trying to get him off of the iPad. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, no. Good luck. Is he addicted? Yeah, it's too much. Think he comes from an addictive personality? Think he's his old man's son? Yeah. Running around with an iPad under his arm? It's four. Nude? Mm-hmm. Okay, so I'm looking at the picture now. Yeah? Yeah, and I'm thinking that you need to shave.

1:09:21A little bit more of the side. A little bit, yeah. Not a lot, but a little bit. What about the middle part under my bottom lip? Oh, gosh. No, start with the sides, and then we'll see. He's going to just keep going and going and going. So it needs to be a straight line? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. Right, Lauren? Bring your clippers in tomorrow. I'll handle it for you. No. I'll take care of it for you. No. You don't trust me? No. It's a little horseshoe-esque. No. I'll do it for you. All right, honey. Okay, I love you. I love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm not. I can't do the salsa lesson thing. I told her. Why? Because of the mustache? You know, I think there's just too much change right now. I think there's just a little too much adjustment happening. With the mustache? The mustache, you know. If you just look at the last year of my life, I go, you know, maybe I just take a rest. Be good for you. Be like a workout. Yeah, but get your mind off things. It's just a hobby. It's not a lifestyle. Get your mind off things. I mean, listen, you tried golf. You tried surfing. Great. Try this. This is me sitting in front of my shrink. This is me. I'll go like this. I'll be like, yeah, you know what? In December, I got canned, lost some friends. You know, then got my laptop stolen. Oh, boy. And then, you know, went through some personal changes. Found out that I had to have surgery.

1:10:49You know, and then accidentally shaved my mustache off. Really? And then... This is one of those seminal moments that you'll never forget. Then I was forced to take salsa lessons. And then I took salsa lessons. What do you think? What do you think? Am I normal? That is a very good plan. They'd say yes. I think it would be good for you, Michael. This will make you a better person. Make you a better lover. Make me a better lover. Expand your horizons. Salsa, the language of love. That's right. I think you should do it. I'm going to go straighten this out, and then we'll see if it makes a difference. We'll take a picture of that. Let's just keep cutting more and more off. Yeah, let's just keep going. I think you lose the thing in the middle, too. I do, too. I think it looks absurd. I think it looks absurd, my friend Woods just said. Dude, tell it like it is. You know that. That's why you hired me. Uh-huh. I agree with Rebecca. Start with the sides and then worry about the middle. And then that middle disgusting thing. Oh, gosh. Yeah, when you said just a couple seconds ago that middle disgusting thing, that may have been more than, you know, neat. Can't see too well. Is that Scott Stapp over there? Okay. Hey, Chad Kroger from Nickelback. What's up, dude? You come here too?

1:12:06We have audio from a news story in Phoenix where a woman accidentally put super glue in her eyes instead of eye drops. Oh, man. That's next. I'm going to go shave. Yep. Woodsy and L.O.B. and Jay said that the stache looks better. I messed up and I messed up my mustache a little bit and then overcorrected. And so now I've just decided to take off the mustache. Still need to lose that piece in the middle, I think. Lauren says no. I don't know. If you take off that piece in the middle, I feel like the whole thing's going to have to go. Maybe you do it at the next break. See if you can get you to shave every break. I don't want to shave the whole thing off, and that would be... These are not decisions you should be making without your wife. Just do the whole thing. No. You know what? It's called a clean slate and an empty canvas. I don't want to do that. I think we need to. I think that's a bad idea.

1:13:23I think we need to. I think that you would make a fool of me. I wish that you had a toupee also. Oh my God, it would make my day. We came up with a bit while you were in the bathroom. While you were in the bathroom. What? Am I just a clown now? Is that it? I'm just a complete clown. You have to wear a toupee. Not a wig. A toupee. A blonde toupee. We, as a show, all go over to Fashion Valley, do a little light shopping, and we have lunch at Cheesecake Factory. All the while, you're in your toupee the entire day. Listen, I do have some pride. Would you do that? He didn't say no. It would be the funniest thing that has ever happened. That has ever happened. It would. What's in it for me? Richard Pryor would be like, all right, that's the funniest thing that ever happened. What's in it for me? I don't know. I don't know, but I really want to see you in a toupee. It's killing me! Yeah, that was you in the bathroom this morning. I'd like to see you in a blonde toupee as well. So much. Please. Leave me be. Okay, the new picture's up with you freshly shaved. Freshly shorn? It's on the Mikey Show fan page. Look, it looks like I'm bleeding on my upper lip. No. I need... That's better. I need some...

1:14:56You need some brute. I need some old spice. You need some old spice. That's better, right? That's better, isn't it? Oh, wow. Yeah. Everybody's Facebooking real good on the show. Oh, yeah. It's better. You wish that you could start today over? Yeah. Yeah. I have those days. I wish I could quit you. I wish I could just. rewind time, be in the shower, and not have messed up my mustache. Yeah. I also wish that I had a treadmill. So, you know what? And one animator says, maybe now is the time for the fedora. Yeah. You look like Lou Bega. Mambo number five. Or nine, whatever. Oh, wow. Lou Bega. Lou Bega. That's what it's come to. Yes.

1:15:59Nobody photoshopped Mikey's face. All right. All right. All right. Enough. I've had it. I've had it. A little bit of Monica. In my life. A little bit of mustache on my floor. Oh, you're a clown. A little bit of pride right down the drain. I just had to clean the sink because I was like, I don't want the people in the building to be like, what is going on here? Some idiot was shaving his beard in here. Idiot. Idiot. I wouldn't blame him. I bet it was Mikey. I knew it. I knew it. I knew if he came here, he'd be shaving in the bathroom, leaving hairs everywhere. I saw that. What, what, what, what? The thing that H.M. Rojas said, that Mexican comedian, with just the two little things on the side. That's terrible. 5701949. I still haven't said the word of the day. It's marbles, okay? You guys want to hear the new Urban Survivor? Yes, please. We have a brand new Urban Survivor. I'm Mikey Grylls. I've never been a member of the British Special Forces. I barely got out of high school with a GED, and I've got no experience except for telling jokes on the radio. I will try to survive in urban situations using nothing but the company's credit card, a car, a nice one at that, my wallet, and whatever things I can find on the internet. You're listening.

1:17:25To urban survival. I'm standing outside of a factory in downtown Mission Valley. It's one of the hottest days of the year and it's only the beginning of October. My thermometer reads 61 degrees Fahrenheit. I just ransacked this factory because I thought that it was empty and that I could find some much needed supplies. Instead, there was a 45 minute wait for lunch and I was able to devour. Some delicious cheesecake. Strawberry. You know. Now I'm approaching what appears to be some sort of marketplace. There's got to be somewhere that I can wet my whistle. There's a store with what appears to be a giant apple on it. But I'm not seeing any fruit juice. Just a collection of sleek devices. Oh, my gosh.

1:18:24My throat is beginning to tighten. I haven't had any liquids in over 17 minutes. I'm beginning to feel faint. If this happens to you, remain calm and try to think of your wife, your children. That will encourage you. What's this? I see a sign that says C4A. It must be French. I can't be sure of what they sell, but at this point... I've got to take my chances. Excuse me. Madame. Madame. Hi, and welcome to Sephora. What can I help you with today? Um, this... C4A. This is... This store is called C4A. Sephora. What? Sephora. Madame, I'm afraid we don't have much time. Do you have any... Do you have any Perrier? Um, I'm in dire need of hydration. Perrier... Perrier? Perrier? Yeah. I don't think we carry that line, but I do have some hydration lotions that I can let you sample. I'm afraid I won't make it if you do. I'll take the night cream and I'll be on my way. Quickly, please. I somehow managed to carry on another 25 meters to an apparatus that accepted my coins in exchange for things like candy, crisps, nuts, trail mix, cakes, pops, sodas, Gatorade, fizzy water, flavored water, regular water.

1:19:54At the last minute, I was able to get myself something called a Dr. Pepperer. I'm currently feasting on it. Please do not attempt this if you're alone. Had I gone another 17 minutes without a fresh DP, I may have passed out. Or at least gotten cottonmouth. My tip of the day. If you see a chicken walking alone and it looks suspicious, do not help it cross the road. Under any circumstances. Until next week, I'm the Urban Survivor. Bravo. There it is. Oh, man. The new Urban Survivor. Bravo. Oh, man. Guy can survive in any situation, can't he? All he needs is a company's credit card and a car and his wallet. And apparently a fresh DP. A fresh DP. That's all he needs to get by. Holy cow, that was funny. So, what do I have for you? Yesterday on the Today Show, there is a woman that works on the Today Show. Her name is Hoda. Hoda Kotb. Is it? Yeah. Hoda Kotb. Hoda Kotb. And... Why do I know that? I don't know. My wife taught me about her. Yeah. She's a huge Today Show fan. Well, Beyonce made a surprise appearance or something. Surprised Hoda Kotb. Stopped traffic. And it really got Hoda Kotb.

1:21:22I guess it really got her. All right, let's bring out our last model. She's doing, what she's doing is, I don't know if it's Beyonce's mother that has a clothing line or if it's Hoda's mom that has a clothing line. I know Beyonce's mom does have a clothing line. So it's Beyonce's mom has a clothing line. She makes all of Beyonce's costumes. Okay. And Beyonce comes walking out. And Hoda caught me. Doesn't know. Do we have Sarah? There's not another one? Oh, there you are. No, it's not as cool as I thought it was going to be. I thought she was really going to flip out, though, wasn't it? Oh, I'm a single hodas. Oh, single hodas. Oh, single hodas. Okay. Oh, oh, oh. I told you that I had audio about this woman that you super glue in her eyes. Oh, my gosh. Instead of eye drops.

1:22:36How crazy. Oh, God. This happened in Phoenix, and here is the audio from the news story. It was a nightmare and a half. It was a weekend filled with worry for Ermgard Holm, the longtime Phoenix resident who had cataract surgery. What? Was that TomTom? Let's go back. Kicking that off? Listen to this. Let's hear it again. It was a nightmare and a half. Or was it the monkey male girl? Listen to this. It was a nightmare and a half. It was a nightmare and a half. Dude! It was a nightmare and a half. It was a nightmare and a half. It was a weekend filled with worry for Ermgard Holm, the longtime Phoenix resident who had cataract surgery last year, mistakenly reached for what she thought was one of her half dozen eye drop medications. But the burning sensation that followed the typical application let her know something was wrong. It was super glue. The bottles are identical. The bottles are identical? I guess. But who has a bottle of super glue where they keep their eye drops? The eye drops. Super glue goes in the junk drawer in the kitchen. She probably just has them all over the house because when her eyes get dry, so it's probably in the junk drawer. Okay. I'm not young anymore, but I'm not senile.

1:24:02I just, you know, did this because these are my precious eye drops. She immediately tried washing the adhesive out, but the famously quick-drying glue did its job, sealing her eyes shut. Oh, God. What do you do? What do you do? What do you do? Paramedics and later hospital staff had to get it open. Oh, Woods, don't put eye drops in right now. It's freaking me out. Oh, my God. Woods is putting eye drops in. And get it washed out before major damage was done. They had to cut off the glue. The what? Substance, whatever. And it was all hard. And it was in the eye. And it was just everywhere. And I couldn't even see. You might think Germgaard's mix-up is some sort of bizarre or rare case of a medical mishap. Not so. In fact, we've... In fact, thousands of people do it every single day. I have done... I have put cleaner in my eye. Cleaner? For contacts? Oh, yeah. There's two solutions that you use. You have a re-wetting drop, and then you have the cleaner. It's in the same size bottle. It's highly concentrated. It's got a red tip. Did it burn? Dude. It hurts. Like you've never imagined. Brought me to my knees. So bad. Brought me to my knees. Oh, yeah. Screaming in pain. It's like putting on detergent in your eye. It hurts so bad.

1:25:22Cases of what are known as super glue ocular injuries dating all the way back to 1982. The Food and Drug Administration will interview Irmgard later this week, and she hopes her case and others will put pressure on glue makers to change their packaging that has caused a lot of confusion over the last three decades. Well, what are they going to put it in? Well, dude. A little eight ball? Like a little... A little magic eight ball. A little magic eight ball so that people know. All I've ever seen is... It's like a tube. A little skinny tube. How about you pay attention to what you put in your eyes? Yeah. Good gracious. I got jalapeno juice in my eye one time. Maybe they should label jalapenos. They probably need to. Yeah, because it's so dangerous. You know what? They do need stricker. Stricker? Stricker regulations on jalapenos. Infection, blindness, removal of the eye on something like this. Please help. Please help. It's killing me. It's killing me.

1:26:21You don't hear the name Irmgard much anymore, that's for sure. Is that Swedish? It's beautiful, whatever it is. Swedish. Irmgard Woods. I'd like to see a side-by-side picture, because I can't picture the mix-up. What? Yeah. Of the bottles? Oh, yeah, I do too. Let's play Super Glue Ocular Roulette. No. I'm all in. Super Glue Ocular. I'm all the way in. We'll do trivia if you get it wrong. Let's do it in our mouths. That way we can't talk. Hey, is there any child or kid or whatever growing up that has not super glued their fingers? I used to do it on purpose. You did, right? Did any of us not? I did. I did. What did you do? Oh, of course. Oh, I like it. And it freaks you out for a second. You see your skin stretch. Did you do it, Jay? I had super glue in my pocket and it broke and it glued my pants to my legs. Oh, my God. Did you guys ever used to play with rubber cement? Oh, I love that. I used to rubber cement my whole hand. Make boogers? Yeah, you make boogers and do that? Yeah, there's just stuff that all kids play with. I love to pretend like my skin was coming off and go, oh, to my little brother. I'd always roll the booger up and put it right underneath my nose. People would go like, what do you got? It's like, what, is there something here? Oh, you got something hanging? Got a boog hanging? It's like every kid does the same best. Same best.

1:27:37You know, she lived in Jersey, you lived in Yuma, Jay lived in Houston, I lived in Connecticut. Same bits across the country. And they're still happening. They're still happening. Did you guys do the paper clip pretending to have a retainer? Oh, yeah. I did that. I did that. I had a retainer. I did that, plus I would do the Jolly Rancher that was like the Jolly Rancher stick. And I put the pink one up there for extra. Any of you guys have to wear headgear? Yes. Really? Nerds! I do have rubber bands, but not headgear. You had headgear? No. Jay, you did? I had the old school braces too with the bands that went around. Did you have those? I had rubber bands. What did the headgear do, Jay? It pulled your overbite back. I had the overbite. We all had braces, right? Do you guys remember, do you remember the day, well, not only the day you got them off, but when you had to go get them adjusted? Yeah. And you go home that night and you're like, hey, mom, you make me some soup? Yeah. Because I can't eat. It hurt. So horrible. So bad. So bad. Woods, it hurts worse when you get them put on in Mexico like I did. Oh. We drove across the border because it was cheap. Mm-hmm. Oh, my gosh. And I had the kind of braces that went around the whole tooth. Yeah, me too.

1:28:55And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the orthodontist suggested to mom and dad in Spanish that it would be a good idea to help the process using a spoon. So what we would do is I would sit on dad's lap and they would put the spoon under my tooth and I had to bite down as they pushed out. That's a great plan. It's called Mexican braces. You just call them braces. I just call them braces. How do you like that? I hate it. Yeah, I hated it. But your teeth, remember how sensitive they were? And then, remember the day you got your braces off? Oh, yeah. I thought I was like a rabbit. I was like, you're too big. You feel your tongue, and there's like glue and crap while you're like, this is the worst. But then you look in the mirror and you're like. You look awesome. When I looked in the mirror, I thought they looked, I kind of wanted them back on. I thought I looked like I had chompers. I was like, whoa, I'm not used to seeing so much white.

1:29:58I look like the biggest dork with bracelets. With bracelets. Oh my God, what does the matter with me? Braces. Braces. You drinking right now? What is the mulatto? I had a little shot. What does the matter with me? I had the bracelets. Hold on. 570-1949. Mikey Show, hello. You guys talk about braces and everything? Right. Yeah, well, I had a palate expander where there was like a thing going across like the palate of my mouth. It broke. So it was on Thanksgiving Day, and my dad actually went in six with pliers. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Well, wait a minute. First things first, what was a palate expander? My mouth, like, you know, your palate on top of your mouth. Uh-huh. Connected to my braces. And your dad actually went into your mouth with pliers. Oh, God. Yes.

1:31:05Oh, my gosh. Did it work? Yeah, temporarily for that day. Unbelievable. Dads are awesome. That makes my ding-ding hurt. It really does. It does, but still. It just made my ding-ding hurt. But still, it worked, you know? It worked. It worked. Unbelievable. Thank you for the call. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Seriously, you look at your parents and you're like, why? Why would you drop me off here? To torture me. Do you want me dead? Yeah. Oh, and my... Okay, so I had the orthodontist in Mexico, right? Yeah. But then we moved to Gilroy, and it was Dr. Fry. And so go to Dr. Fry, and Dr. Fry, my appointments were always at like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. After school. After school. Yep. And Dr. Fry was just fresh back from lunch.

1:32:06And Dr. Fry had a mustache. No. And Dr. Fry also loved tuna fish sandwiches. Oh, man. And so Dr. Fry would be right over me. And he'd be like, so how you doing? And, you know, how's everything going? That's the irony of dentists. They have the worst breath. That is so foul. At least in my experience. Sorry. You idiot. Dentists do not have the worst breasts. They don't all, but this one, this one did. This is the number one country song in the nation. It's Taylor Swift called Speak Now. 570-1949 is our number. I saw someone put on Twitter the other day, Taylor Swift. I get it. He's popular. You're not. I understand. I get it. I get it. You're normal. He's popular. I laughed so hard. I told my wife. My wife goes, whoever put that on Twitter is 100% right. We get it at this point. Oprah had a woman on yesterday with 20 different personalities and we have audio. Did you hear me, Woods? I did. 20 different personalities. I can relate. It's next.

1:34:15That's a Black Keys. Name of the song is She's Long Gone. Wow. What's it like to have 20 personalities? I have to buy that Black Keys album because I like it. It's good. You know, having 20 personalities is tough. You don't have 20. It's something that since I was a kid I've been dealing with. No, you don't. It's just hard, man. Word of the day is marbles, by the way. I haven't said it yet, but between now and 10, I will. This woman that went on Oprah Winfrey's show has 20 personalities. Don't you mean Okra? Okra. Now, obviously this is a disorder. It's multiple personality disorder. Here she explains.

1:35:23that each of her personalities gives her daughter a birthday card. Whoa. Kim's 20 personalities consider themselves to be completely different people. So when it was Kim's 13-year-old daughter, Amy's birthday, many of the personalities gave her cards. This one, a teenager at last, is from Ken. I have a brilliant birthday love from Ken. And three kisses. They also... Bought some of Amy's presents. Because if it was just me, she wouldn't get as many. So we are lucky. We're just so proud of her. She's just beautiful. No, I think that's a sad thing, right? Yeah, it's sad. That's pretty crazy, the thing about her kid sitting on her birthday and like, oh boy, here she comes again with another gift. Here comes Ken. Here comes Ken. Here's Bill. Here's Fred. Mike. Katie. It's weird that they have names. Yeah, they're...

1:36:22from what I understand. Yeah, they have, well, listen to this, listen to this. Now, to communicate with all of the other personalities, I understand your therapist sends separate emails to all of the alters. So if you get an email for, say, Ken or for Don, and you, Patricia, are at your computer, do you just hold that email and wait until they show up? No, we've got all different email addresses. You all have different email addresses. And I can't get into... There. They put their own password. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Well, you can, too. You know it, right? No, she doesn't. She's saying she doesn't. She's saying she doesn't know it. They're totally different people. And does it happen, like, uncontrollably, or can you go into it when you want? I bet you when she becomes Ken, she, as Ken, goes, I'm going to check my email, and goes to ken at yahoo.com, types in her password, you know. Well, I would assume. I would assume Ken at Yahoo.com is probably taken. That may be. You know, because it's such a popular name. Ken7124518. 18. Zebra. Underscore. Slash Wilson. At Yahoo.com. At Yahoo.com. That would be available. That's insane. I mean.

1:37:43Probably not the best word to use. That is crazy. That's probably not the best word. That's not the best one either. It's wild. Kooky. That's probably not good either. Yeah, it's not. I had a friend whose girlfriend was, she had three or four different personalities. Don't all women? No, this was. Oh, they don't. Sorry. No, they do. Did they not? She would go to this baby talk thing where all she would do is baby talk and her name changed and she was, and it was, I could not. Was it for real? For real. I mean, it was insane. What was it? What were the three? Well, one was baby talking, you know, hey, daddy. Do you have a name? Yeah, I can't remember. I tried not to get too close. How do you not remember? Because it was cuckoo crazy. Let me tell you, if I had a friend who had a girlfriend that had three different personalities, trust me, I'm going to remember every single thing about them. For the rest of your life. For the rest of my life. But what would she do? One was the baby talker that was just, daddy. And one was a cutter. So she would cut herself. Oh, no. I went on a trip. I went on a trip. It was a bus trip to Burning Man with these people. And I thought they were normal going into it, but it was not a normal trip. And the third one, I can't remember. She was like real dude-ish, tough. I don't know. Heavy meds. Heavy meds. Heavy meds. I was just going to say, pretend like I had multiple personalities. You pretended you did? Yeah, I had this thing where my brother...

1:39:07When I used to babysit my little brother and sister, they would pull on different fingers and I would turn into different ones. But sometimes the wires would get crossed. So they would try to get the princess and they would get the monster. And they had to like, right before I ate them, they had to like quick pull the finger and get the right one. I told L.O.B. this yesterday. I said, I wish that I would have been a kid and known you when you were a kid. Yes, 100%. You know? I played a game too when I was a little kid. That had to do with pulling the finger, but it wasn't anything. It was different than that. Some days here, we pull a Lauren's wrong finger. Let's not do it. Do you want to try? No. Why don't you put your finger down? I'll pull it. And Jay, I'll slit your throat. Yeah, I know you will. Let's see. M1 Lindsay from San Diego. Are you there? I am. What's up, Lindsay? Hey, guys. Hi. I just want to say really quick that I love the show. You guys are doing so great. Thank you very much. But I got a chance to watch the Oprah show yesterday that you were talking about. And she actually knows that she's part of one person, that she has multiple personalities. The only one that is resistant, that doesn't realize that he is part of one body, is Ken, the guy that gave her daughter the birthday card. He's the only one that thinks it's just him. And he actually thinks that he's a homosexual. Wow. Yeah.

1:40:28Wow. But yeah, so all of our other personalities know that there are others that exist in that body. Wow. That's insane. I mean. Crazy. No. That's different. Yeah. Thank you. That's schizophrenic. Thanks for the call. It's not. It's multiple personality. That's multiple personality disorder. Yeah. You ever see the movie Primal Fear? Of course not. Yeah, Woods asks me this all the time. I don't see a lot of the movies. Have you seen Primal Fear? Mm-hmm. Brilliant. Yeah. He does the multiple personality thing. Really? And it's amazing to watch. Who's in it? Edward Norton. Oh, man. And Richard Gere. I'm in. Laura Linney. Mm-hmm. Andre Brower. But would Fight Club be considered multiple personality? Mm-hmm. Absolutely. An alter ego. Mm-hmm. Great movie. We all have a little alter ego in us, I think. All of us. Yeah. Whenever I go into my characters, I'm somebody different. Yeah. I mean. In life. I don't mean on the radio. I mean in life. I think we all have. But I do let, like, another side of my personality that is hidden comes out when I do characters. Absolutely. And is expressed when I'm doing those characters. Yeah, I mean, I'm talking about outside these four walls when we're at home. Like when you go to the post office, you're a different dude. Yeah. DMV.

1:41:54See, I am not. I am. When I watch the Yankees, I'm different than I'm sitting here visiting with you guys. I have, like, phone voice. Totally different. Yeah? I have, like, a shy girl goes to a new party and doesn't know anyone. Yeah, I guess I do. You have Wild Child. I have Wild Child. I have Wild Child. That has too much tequila. I do not have that anymore. You had it. Had it? Oh, my gosh. Sure. Do not anymore. Yeah. I do get shy when I'm around new people. You're someone different like... I'm different when growth group people come over. Yeah. I'm different as a grandchild than I am as, say, a girlfriend. Yeah, that is true. I'm a little nervous. I'm a little nervous with groups. Groups are tough, even for me now.

1:42:42Groups are tough. They didn't really used to be, but they are for me now. I'm like. The older I get, the more like withdrawn. Me too. There's too much going on. I went out with the boys Saturday to your thing, LLB. And I could not for the life of me remember the last time I went out with three other dudes, just the guys. Yeah. And I love them all. They're awesome. But I was like, it kind of made me a little because I'm like, well. What if he drinks too much? And then what if I've got to watch out for what he's doing? And then what if somebody says something to me? It's just a lot of extenuating circumstances. Ouch. What? What do you mean, what? I mean what? What did we do this time? It's crazy. It's insane. We didn't mean to at first, and then we made a little bit of a joke. No, we tried to make a joke out of it. That's what we do. We're a comedy show. Maybe I write a letter to Mr. Rick R. Jackson about it. Weird. This is Captain Buzzkill speaking. We know. M1CBK. Great picture again, by the way. Yeah. Biggest fan of the Mikey show. You're about as sharp as a bowling ball. My attorney will hear about that comment. Really? Your fake attorney? My fake attorney? He's real. What'd you pay for retainer? What is that?

1:44:08The orthodontist gave me a retainer when I... No. What did you pay your attorney to retain him to sue us? I'm not going to divulge that information to you. I don't know what you'll do with it. You're getting a certificate to be an attorney online, aren't you? Love us so much. Keep listening, Buzzkill. Four hours a day, podcasts every day. You do. You send me emails sometimes. Where are the podcasts? We end it. You love it. You love it. You love us? You do. You love me. Why don't you apologize for what you just said? What? About crazy and stuff. No, I stand by my joke. You're joking around. You ever hear of a joke? Yeah, I have heard of a joke, and as soon as I hear one, maybe I'll talk about it. Tell me a joke. Tell me one of your faves. Okay. Okay. Why can't witches have babies? Why? Because their husbands have Halloweenies.

1:45:09It's actually pretty funny, Buzzkill. That's right in time for Halloween. Why don't you tell everybody about that joke, Mikey? He's saying that because I tell that joke every Halloween. I didn't know that. So you were a listener of Mike's on the old show? I didn't even know. You knew. Yeah, I monitored. You monitored. Did you do your bit where you post nasty stuff just to be a D about something I've never met? You want to know why? Why? Why? Every once in a while, Jagger and Christy had to go on commercials. Yes, I got that. They're a good show, bud. No, great. Do you think that... You know what they talk about? What? Things that are important. Like. Like what? Like. It's about to become autumn. People need to know about crafts. Have you ever even considered talking about crafts? No. It's not really our audience. I have a piece. No, you have not talked about crafts. I wouldn't talk about crafts.

1:46:16Even though this is autumn right now. They're getting ready for Halloween. They're making reeds, kid. They're making reeds? Mikey's going to be Captain Buzzkill for Halloween. Yeah, did you know that? What do you think about that? Since we have that little expose picture of you down in your basement puffing on a Newport. Can he borrow a pair of sweatpants? I guess the only problem with that is that I have already trademarked myself. So if he does, he will receive a cease and desi. He'll be CBK. We'll be the first one he's had this year, okay, Buzzkill? Mikey's fine with him. Oh, here he goes. Hi, Buzzkill. Where'd the guy go? I think he hung out. Yeah, he really hung out. He did it this time. I think he really did hang out that time. I think he really gets worked out. That guy slays me so much. Every single time. Oh, it's so funny. I love Buzzkill. He's great. I'm one CBK. That's right. Oh. He's fine. Don't you? This is the Russian Bride Center. How may I help you? This is not the Russian Bride Center. This is the Russian Bride. Can I help you? This is me. Who's this handsome? Sir, you are connected. Hello, handsome boy. Who is this? This is your new wife. You ordered me for $3,000? No. You did not. What is your name? My name is Yoksavia. That's my boss. He makes sure I...

1:48:16I don't tell a lie. What? We had him. You did. Yoko Slovo? What was her name? Yoko Slovo? What a name is that? You won't know what the name was until you go back and listen to the podcast. I have no idea what she just said. Yoko Slovo? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase? Nesta Rastase I got Mikey real good. Oh, man. Ouch. Oh, that hurt my surgery. Still with the surgery bit? Every once in a while, guy, I'll hit it in a way that hurts. Oh, Woods is giving me that. Sure you do. Sure you do. You know what Mikey looks like now? He looks like the guy from the Operate game. If we did the little cutouts on the Operate game. That guy had a mustache. I thought he had a beard.

1:49:37No, I thought he had a message. Operation. Operation. You know what Mikey looks like to me? Looks like a rube. A rube? That's right. What is a rube? A rube. Oh, a rube. A rube. What's a rube? Like a dumb. Scrubbed up rube. Dummy. Yeah. Scrubbed up rube. Scrubbed up rube. Worth two bits. Steading his way all the way to the FB. 570-1949 is our number, and if you want to text us, it's 949-MIKEY. At gmail.com. This is a very interesting story. Don't know if you heard about this. There was a mailman. And I got it, Woodsy. Don't freak out. I have the story. Do you? Yeah, I do. I've got it. You ready? Yeah. Tell me the story. Well, there was a postal worker in Massachusetts. Yeah. A woman from Gloucester.

1:50:39Called police last Thursday after her phone went missing. Well, then she left it on her mailbox, and what had happened was the postman took her phone and took some dirty pictures with it. He did. He did. He took some dirty pictures of his piece, yes. Oh, wow. Did he get caught? Yes, he got caught. Good, because it's filthy. What is his name? His name is Joseph Suave. Oh, really smooth. You can't just make it. I'm not making it up, I swear. I think it's Suave. Salve. Joseph Salve? Yeah, Joseph Salve. We have him on the phone from England. Yeah, or Massachusetts or England. Is it, where is it? Yeah, he's in Massachusetts. He's in Massachusetts. Yeah, he's of British descent, though. Hello. Joseph. Yes. How you doing? Wonderful. Steve Woods here. Nice to meet you. Hard-hitting San Diego journalist. Been drinking, have we? Again, yes. Wonderful. I was up too late watching baseball. But anyway. That's great. Well, I've got another radio tour to two, so we're going to do this. We've got to do it. What's your bit? What's my bit? That means, why would you take pictures of your piece on some poor lady's phone? I have a perfectly good explanation for it. I would love to hear it. I was taking photos, as I do for my friends having a good laugh, for friends to have a laugh. Why don't you use your own phone?

1:52:03I thought it was my phone. Same brand. You found it on top of her mailbox, though. That is right. Yes, I did. Same brand, but you took pictures of your penis. It happens to everyone. It's happened to everyone at one time or another. It hasn't. No. No. I was having a good time for friends. Thought it would be a good practical joke. Is this interview over? No, it's not. Did you have a few pints before, maybe? I'd had one pint. On the job? I perhaps had two. On the job? Yes. And I'm sorry. I'm calling from England, so there's quite a delay. I can't hear you. Can't you? I can't. Can't you? I can't hear a word you're saying. You're answering all my questions. No, I'm not. I can't hear you. I can't hear what you're saying. You can hear me. Can't hear a word. Why would you torture this poor lady? Are you like a creepy pervert? I'm not, and I can't hear you. Are you married? I'm here. Are you married? Yes, I am. What does your wife think about your piece being broadcast on somebody else's phone? She feels dreadfully sorry for me because she knew that I was just trying to send William a picture. You call your piece William? No.

1:53:13All right, thank you. I've got to go. The show's on the other line. What? It's on a radio tour. What are you going to do? Exactly. Guy's got to do other shows. He does. They all do. Craig Gass did. You know, it's fine. That's what we do. We got a break or anything? We do, actually. We're going to eat. Let's do it. We do have to break. Acting like a child. That was funny. Your British accent is really good. I really like it. It's just FYI. You do? It makes me laugh every time. It gets you. It gets me. It's like your harmonica. So remember the other day we were talking about how the seal fell off of the podium for the president? Well, the White House senior advisor went on Letterman last night and explained how it happened. Oh, my. Was I right yesterday? You'll find out next. Thank you. This is the number one downloaded song in the nation. The nation of the United States of America listens to this music. If you're ever alone and trying to survive.

1:54:44While having to hear this in a club, my suggestion to you is to order a bottle of water. Drink it, because if you don't, you'll become dehydrated. Number one downloaded song in the country is called... Far East. Yeah, but it's called Like a G6. But it's by Far East Newman. Maybe they should stay in the Far East. This would be an example of what I would dance around my house to. I was helping my niece move in, and we walked in. She's like, oh, this is the new Keisha. I was like, no, it's the new Far East. And I went, hey, look, this old man. I was in the club last night. Check it out. Maybe they stay in the Far East, please. Yeah. Could have been the new Kesha, too. What's a G6? I think it's a plane. G6 is a plane. I have not said the word marbles yet, but when I do, caller number nine.

1:55:46At 5701949 will win SeaWorld 4-Pack. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, Fiona Apple. Extraordinary Machine. That's for you. One of Mrs. Esparza's favorites, right? Yep. That was her last album, Fiona's. She did that a long time ago. What was that one where she had like 3,000 words in the title? Remember that one? That was The Pond. Something about The Pond. Something The Pond. What was it? My wife's yelling at her radio right now. Idiots. I like the video of her and Zach Galifianakis. No, it's hysterical. Zach Galifianakis and her are good friends. I haven't seen it. It's funny, dude. Is this a comedy video? Yeah. Oh, nice. He's trying to be a serious boyfriend. Yeah, and it's so funny because they leave in scenes where she's supposed to be serious, but he gets her. She starts sniggling. And she starts sniggling, and they leave it in the video. Brilliant. It is very good. That guy cracks me up. I just look at that guy and I start laughing. Yeah. He has a body that allows for a lot of physical comedy, like in the same way Farley did. Yeah, absolutely. That he's able to use his body just for the physical humor aspect of it. White House senior advisor went on and was explaining to Letterman why the president's seal fell off the podium the other day.

1:57:10The seal dropping off the podium, what happened there and who got fired? Well, actually, that does come under my purview as senior advisor, so I've been giving this a lot of thought. You know, we've been here almost two years, 500 speeches probably, never happened before, and I can only think of one thing. What's that? Witchcraft. Witchcraft, exactly. Wow! That's what I said. That's what we said, yeah. Well, that's great, but I really want to know. Funny. Christine O'Donnell is funny. It is, but I really want to know. Can you tell me? The glue fell off, pal. I guess. They used eye drops instead of glue. Speaking of politics, Hillary Clinton is rumored to be replacing Joe Biden. Yeet. Yeet. When Obama. Yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet. When Obama. Runs again. That they would actually switch jobs, Woods. That she would become the vice president and he would become the secretary of state. Now, secretary of state, part of the duties is that you talk to foreign leaders. Reason with them. So, would a guy that is very known...

1:58:28for just saying crazy stuff? Would that be the best guy for that job? Foot and mouth guy. Yeah, foot and mouth guy. Anyway, here's Hillary Clinton responding to those rumors. Today's stories have you and Biden swapping jobs. I'm not going to ask you what you think about it. Well, that's why I don't believe what I read. But do you think Biden? What do you think the vice president would think of that? Look, I think the vice president is doing... A wonderful job. He's a great friend of mine. We work together closely. He's an expert on foreign policy. He chaired the Foreign Relations Committee in the Senate for years. And we have a great relationship. And I have absolutely... no interest and no reason for doing anything other than just dismissing these stories and moving on because there's just no, we have no time. We have so much to do. And I think both of us are very happy doing what we're doing. Okay. If you become the vice presidential nominee, that's going to sound bad. What you just said. Yeah. It's going to, you know, just say we've talked about it, but you know,

1:59:39I'm happy doing what I'm doing. We've talked about it. We talk about a lot of stuff. We talk about me maybe going into magic. Becoming a magician, yeah. This is Hillary Clinton speaking. I thought this was Mikey speaking. I was like, man. Maybe we just keep doing our radio show. Would that be fun? That's what I meant. Maybe we talk about you wearing a toupee at Fashion Valley Mall. Yeah. For the day. I'm not. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. Why do you say it? Because we came up with it. What came up with it? I came up with the blonde part. It's a weird idea. No, it's a great idea. It doesn't make sense. Yes, it does. You're bald. Way to break it to him gently. Why am I going to put on that? For fun. For fun. So we can sniggle all day long and go to the bathroom in our pants on accident. I'd rather not. All right. You'll think about it. I do everything for this man. You know that?

2:00:44You know I can shame you into it. I'd get you, too. I'd give you the guilt trip. Absolutely. You guys, just a couple of love bugs over there. Just putting your hearts out on the line. It's called being dynamic. So, we got a text from a guy that says, Mikey, I'm dating this girl, and I've been dating her now for about two months. But she calls me baby, and it skeeves me out. Babe, I don't mind. But baby skeeves me out. Hey, baby. Are there names, pet names that skeeve you out? Have you guys ever had to tell someone, I don't know about that one, like just nip it in the bud? 570-1949 if you have. That guy would not want to date me. I come up with every pet name in the book. Me too.

2:01:46Did you have more than one pet name for your last boyfriend? Oh, yeah. I used to do baby when I was like 21 or whatever. Now it does kind of skew me out. I don't like baby either. That's really creepy to me. Hi, baby. How about daddy? Daddy's weird. Daddy is weird. There's a couple of girls driving in their car right now going, it's not that weird. Not that weird. That's creepy. Come here, Daddy. They'll be on their way to shoot us later. I call Rebecca Sweets. I do that. I call her Shug. Yep, do that too. I call her Sugar. Yep. I call her... I call her... Babe. Babe. Babe is a big one. Babe. Babe. I want a new computer. Sweets. Did I say that? Yeah. I guess that's it. I say babe. I say love. I say my love. I'd just say love. Darlene. Darlene's a big one. I got a million. I got a million. It depends on the person. Like, if I gave you a specific guy, I could tell you all those, but... Let's do it. If Woods were your man, what would you call him? D. A-hole. Hey, butt. Butt face. It would probably be like... B-hole. Steve McGeeves, Steve the Beeb, then just Beaver. Really? Then Cleaver. Like, I would play with his name. His name? Yeah.

2:03:13Really? You would do that with your boyfriends? You would do stuff with the name? Yeah, but like I called Matt Bubbs. It's funny because you called Jake Bubb. Yeah. And that has nothing to do with his name. Frank, I called him Frank. I'd call him handsome. Hey, handsome. That's weird. You know what's really weird? Think about this. Think about calling your wife by her actual name right now. I know. It's weird. Think about that. It's weird. That would be weird. You do it when you're mad. I mean, imagine going home. Jamie. And going, hi, Jamie. Hey, Kim. Hi, Jamie. Oh, God. That's weird. I always would, like, laugh. Like, you know, you're like. I used to always call Kim Squirrel. Hey, Squirrel. What's happening? Why? I like that, too. Because girl, girl, squirrel. What a squirrel. Jamie has. He liked it. They call her J-Bone? Yeah. Bone. The bone. You call her the bone. I'll just say the bone is doing this or that. Deer is the big one in our house.

2:04:09Sugar. Sugar teas, which I can't say on the radio. Hun. Never say baby. I say love. Lovey. You say lovey? Lovey. Hey, lovey. I can't say hun or honey because that's what my parents said to each other. I do. And I'd say, I think probably because that's where I learned it. They say it. I hear it coming out of my mouth and I'm like, that's my mother. I started doing babe because Mikey does it a lot. So I do it too. I say hun and honey. When I say hun and honey, I feel like... And I say sweetie to little kids a lot. Sweetie and buddy. So if I say that to a significant other, I'm like... M1, Cherry from San Marcos. Please, Cherie. Cherie. Yeah. Sorry about that. Can we call you Cherry? No, please don't. Go ahead. Oh, she's heard that bit before. Oh, yeah. My husband tells everybody. Oh, call her Cherry. She loves Cherry. Oh, wow. Got a husband like me.

2:05:10I hate it. What does your husband call you? My husband loves to call me woman. I do that. Woman. Yeah, I do that too. I don't mind it, but every single one of my friends gets pissed off for me. Yeah, they get butt hurt about it. That's endearing. It is endearing. I hate that they call you woman. I'm like, but that's my name. No other man calls me woman. Right. It comes from a place of love. He's not doing it to be a jerk. I do that too. Woman. Are you crazy? Yeah. I'll do it like I'm acting crazy too. Woman. Woman. That's funny. I like that one. M1 Lisa. I like this one, and I think I might adopt it for my wife. Go ahead. Oh, she'll hate you if you do. I like it. My husband calls me Dollface. Oh, I like that. I like it. Listen, Dollface. Yeah. It doesn't work for me. You don't like it? Babyface. No, I hate it. You guys like Babyface? Yeah, he was pretty good, too. Hey there, Dollface. How are you? Can I borrow 20 clams? Yes. Look at the gams on that gal. That's going to cost about 20 bits. I like Dollface. I like Dollface. I think she should change her name to M1 Dollface. Yeah. You are now M1 Dollface. Yep. If you call in again, you are officially M1 Dollface. All right. Call in again. We love you. All right, Dollface. Thank you. M1 Tina from San Diego. Okay, so what if your husband refuses to call you anything? No baby, nothing. Oh, he calls you just Tina?

2:06:33Yes. What do you think about that? No T? He doesn't call you T? You didn't shorten it? No, only my name. Just T? What does he have against it? Yeah, what's his... Why did you marry an Amish guy? And what's his explanation? I don't have one, and he knows that I would like for him to call me. What do you call him? Yeah, what do you call him? Well, now I call him his name too, but I've tried... I used to call him Babe, Baby, or whatever. But I stopped because he won't call me anything. When you called him babe, did he not like it? I don't know. He never said? No. Okay, so how did the conversation come up where you said, you know, you don't call me any names? He just, he's like uncomfortable with it. So he just called you Tina? Yes. So he can take his clothes off in front of you, but he can't call you. Tina. He can't call you baby. It's not that weird. And he can't call you baby. That's pretty weird. It's not that weird. It's a little strange. Being called by your name, there's weirder things that happen than having someone call you by your gut. Yeah, your husband, though. Your husband. Tina. Hello, Jamie. It's Steven. I'll bond my way home. Tina. I love you so much, Tina. If I put you on hold, Tina, can we get his number and call him with you on the line?

2:07:54Sure. That's brilliant. Okay, hang on, okay? Okay, okay. All right, let's get her. She's like, finally. I'm going to try to convince him. This is just huge. Mm-hmm. I hope. If you'd like to make a call, please press one. Don't spin me. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, Becky. M1 Becky, are you there? M1 Becky, are you there? Yes. Go ahead. Your husband calls you what? Oh, I've heard that before. Yeah, so it just kind of carries over. It's not weird at all for us to call each other Mama, Dada, Mommy, and Daddy. I've heard people do it. I could not call Rebecca me. I call Jamie Mama sometimes. Mama's cool. Mama's cool.

2:08:50Kim does it whenever Jasper's like, well, let's see what Daddy wants to do. If he's there. If I'm there. Yeah, if he's there. Are you talking about if I'm there? No, no, no, if Jasper's there. If Jasper's there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandparents used to call my, I had a mama and a papa. Yeah. And my mama used to call my papa, papa. She'd call him papa. Yeah. That's what we called him. My dad was poo and my mom was moo. So it was moo and poo. Wow. I wouldn't want to. You don't want poo, isn't it? How about caca? No. Not okay with that as a grandfather name. All my kids call me something different, too. Caca Mikey. Are we going to Caca Ben's or Caca Jean? Are we going to go see Caca Steve or Caca? Caca Jamie. Caca Jamie. 570-1949. We're getting the number. We're going to call M1 Tina's boyfriend. Husband. Is this her husband? Husband. And we're going to try to talk this through. We're going to talk him out of it. Talk him out of it. I don't think my grandparents ever called each other any nicknames in front of us. My grandparents didn't speak English. So you don't know what they were saying about you. I don't have a clue. So you didn't pick up on Spanish at all? Nope. Not even a little bit. In fact, all I remember about...

2:10:08All I remember about my grandmother was that when the scrubbing bubbles commercial used to come on television, it made her laugh. It made me laugh, too. She's a good woman. Terrified me when she'd do it. Out of nowhere? We were watching the same thing. I didn't see the humor. Not only did she see the humor, it was hysterical, which just frightened me. How do they get those bubbles to do that? Do you ever meet people that are like, oh, I'm surprised you're Latino? No. Because your voice doesn't sound it. What does that mean? You know what that means. I walk up to people and they go, oh, I'm surprised you're Latino. Never. Now that I'm looking at you, I can tell that you should be riding a horse at Del Mar Racetrack. Did anyone ever. So nobody's ever been like, oh, you didn't really look like what I pictured you. Oh, yeah. They say that. But now that's what they mean. They don't mean you're Latino. They mean you're Latino. They mean they thought I was hot.

2:11:08Based on my voice, I'll meet women all the time. And I'll say, wow. Dude, when I was Michael Shannon, when I was Michael Shannon, I was, as you know, obese. I was so heavy. I was 270 pounds, you know? Yeah. Maybe more. 5'3", 270. Yeah. 5'3"? You said yeah, Mike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's about right. For sure. Suspenders, tortoiseshell glasses, no prescription in them. Yeah. And I changed my voice for the radio. Yes. I would always change my voice for the radio. And this is what it sounded like. K-Wave 97 FM, it's Michael Shannon. And coming up a little bit later, we're going to be giving One Lucky Office the opportunity to have us come by.

2:12:06And that's going to be tomorrow afternoon. If you would like to be that special office, all you have to do is send us a fax here at K-Wave, and we'll make sure we do that for you. Got a call from Kim earlier this afternoon. Wanted to hear a little Bruce Hornsby in the range. This one is Mandolin Rain. We hope you enjoyed, Kim. Give us a call for your office, K-Wave. In 50 years, they're going to look back on old-time radio, and they're going to go, why did they talk that way? That's right. Holy cow, I love it so much. And then I'd be like, hey, by the way, tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be, hey, it's Michael Shannon on K-Wave. Make sure you join me tomorrow at the wine festival. It was Brian Adams. I love it so much. And they would call. The people would call in. Women. Women would call. Women would call. And they'd be like, hey, make sure that you say what time you're going to be at that wine festival. Hey, we're getting a couple of calls here. People wondering what time that wine festival is tomorrow afternoon. It's going to start at 3 o'clock. Be there until 7 o'clock. Michael Shannon and you. Come on out and join me. This is Brian Adams in heaven on K-Wave 97 FM. Wow! You hit the post every time. I could listen to him hit the post for hours. So I would be standing under the K-Wave canopy and women would walk up and go, is Michael Shannon here? No way.

2:13:32And I'd go, no way. And they'd go, oh. Hi. Somebody should invent the internet so we can see what you look like. I wish the internet was already invented. It saved me so much time on travel. Maybe a smoke signal. Now it's like, well, it's the internet, so you can just go look. Maybe a heads up. Holy cow. Your voice sounds like... You take Ron Burgundy's face and put it with that voice, and it's identical. Mustache, real sharp guy. Listen, a lot of times, good-looking guys are deez. Oh, yeah. Jerks. When you look like I look, you have to develop a personality. You've got to be funny. You've got to be able to. I had to be able to close business. I had to.

2:14:30I had to have a girlfriend. I made up my mind. I must have a girlfriend. And I said, I'm going to get the job done. But I was the most romantic, most clever, funny guy. You trapped a dime. Yeah. Yeah, you did. I trapped her. I did. I trapped her. By the time she was in love, it was too late. Too late. Too late. It's already in love. Would you stop it? I think you're a good looking man. I'm not, though. You sell yourself short. No, no, no, no, I don't. No pun intended. I don't. Pun intended. You sell yourself, Mikey. Yeah. Yeah. The worst was, you know, when I first started being honest about, you know, everything was just, you know, this was me. Because I used to do a bit when I first started at Rock 105. My bit on the air used to be that I was a surfer guy. No way. And I used to talk like that. How? Rock 102.1. Here. I'll do it. Oh my gosh. You've had a lot of different voices. Yeah. Let's see. It's great. It's great. I have one. What's up? It's Rock 102.1. It's Mikey hanging out. Just going to be here until midnight drinking beers. You want to call? Call me right now. It's Buck Cherry.

2:15:52Yeah, I remember that voice. Wow. And then didn't you adopt the JoJo Kincaid method too? That was at KWSS. JoJo Kincaid was a huge DJ here in San Diego. And I was a big fan. I used to order cassette tapes of him through the mail. Through the mail. Like air checks? Yeah, air checks. Wow. And all it was was him talking. And that's what I would do. I would just listen to him hour after hour after hour. And all I want, I didn't want to be Mike Esparza. I just wanted to be Jojo Kincaid. In fact, when I first started my night job, I did that surfer thing. And then I stopped doing the surfer thing and I decided that I wanted to be Howard Stern. And so then I was Howard Stern forever. I think it was reading his book or reading somebody's book that they, you know, some DJ said that the key to being successful was just to be you. And so then I thought to myself, how can I though? How can I do that? Because if they discover who I am, no one will ever be interested in that. Because what I am is insecure and, you know, really weird.

2:17:18And I don't do guy stuff that guys are really into. Here I am on a rock station and I go to Sur La Taub. And none of it's going to make any sense. But that was the key. I remember hearing you and I thought you sounded like Howard. You do? Yeah, me too. Oh, yeah. When I was in Dallas, that was my Howard stuff. I remember first meeting you and going, God, I don't really like that guy. When I first met you? When I first met you, you were doing nice. Jay, I was so nice to you before here. Oh, no, I'm talking about... When we were right at... When we were at Kearney Villa. Oh, yeah, I was probably a jerk. Yeah, you were a jerk then. I was. Because I didn't really know you that well either. I just kind of knew you because you came down the hallways and you always looked so angry. And then... You know why? Because I was so afraid of people inside. Yeah. And so I figured that if I put that face on, nobody would say anything to me because I was afraid of them. Yeah. I was afraid of everybody. And then you met the kid. The kid started calling you out on your bits. Yeah. In Dallas. But then when I met you again, when you came back to San Diego and we were in the new building, you were a sweetheart. A sweetheart? Well, I changed, you know. Yeah. I changed. You want to hear me and my JoJo Kincaid stuff? More than anything. Let me try to find a... What would be a good 80s tune? What about... 80s pop that I might have.

2:18:42It has to be pop. What about new sensation? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got that. Dynamite L-O-V. That's the one. I couldn't think of what it was called. You couldn't have picked a better one. What station do you want me to be? What station? Q106? Q106. Yeah, Q. San Diego's Q106. Mike Esparza in the evening and your chance to win another $10,000 coming up. Let me get the call letters, though. I got to do the call letters. It's brilliant. Try again. San Diego's Q106. Mike Esparza with you all night long. And if you want to win another $1,000, coming up next hour right here on the Q. Love that. Oh, I wanted to be JoJo so bad. He's great. I watched his YouTube videos. He's insane. He's insane. 570-1949 is the number. Officials lost track of 16,000 sex offenders, and we'll tell you how next.

2:19:54Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty, I know that breath fades with the light. All right. Social network stuff. You want to find us on Facebook? We have a Facebook fan page, facebook.com slash Mikey show. And there are close to 10,000 people on there. If you want to find us on Twitter and follow us on Twitter. Mikey Show Mikey, Mikey Show Woods, Mikey Show Lauren, Mikey Show Sienna, Mikey Show Jay. I do not have a personal Facebook page because it was becoming overwhelming and it was taking up too much time. There was so much in the inbox plus my personal email plus work and it just was getting to be too much and it was taking away time from me spending time with my family.

2:21:12Just genuinely. And it was also wearing me out. It was getting me drained. And that's not good for me. I had to sign off last night. Yeah, you do. I read a whole blog about it. Yeah. It's horrible. My son Luke has a Facebook page. Yes. Luke Esparza. He's, you'll know that it's him. He's a year old and he's in the photo. He's behind bars. You know, just so you know. Of course he is. He just put up a status update. What are they doing Halloween-wise? Are they going to go trick-or-treating? Yeah. They're one, so you guys got to push them and do that whole bit? Yeah, we'll put them in a wagon. And then Jake will be, what's Jake going to be? Jake is a character from Yo Gabba Gabba. Which one? Yeah, I knew you'd do that. Give me a second. I'll think of it. You know it. Yeah, I do.

2:22:14Don't bother because I won't know it. They're going to be a lion and a monkey, right? Lion and a monkey. That's genius. Lion and a monkey. I was talking to Luke. I'm sure Luke really loves that. I was talking to Luke and he told me what he really wanted to be and that you guys wouldn't let him. The gimp from Pulp Picture. Yeah, we're not going to let him do that. That's ridiculous. He thought it would be hysterical. If he gets that, then you can borrow his costume, Mike. Yeah, the lion. Because I'm the same size as that. Might be a little snug. Are you going to dress up? Yes. As? As? I don't know. Captain Buzzkill, maybe? Who is that? Is that Captain Buzzkill? Oh, look who we have not seen forever. Hello, Michael! Hi, Wolfgang. It's so great to be back. How are you? I'm great. What? Hi, Lauren. Wow, you... Reek of aftershave. I borrowed some of your old spice that you left out on your desk. I don't wear old spice. Whatever it is, it smells delightful. Chris just got it for me because I shaved my mustache. It's gross. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Michael, I came in to offer my services for to make you a Halloween costume. What are you going to do? Whatever you like. I've got a couple of ideas.

2:23:39What? Let me, I'm going to come around and get a little bit of measurements. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Michael, stand up. Nuh-uh. He had surgery. No, what do you want me to do? Just stand up. You're not going to touch me. Don't touch me, though. I won't. Don't touch me. Let's see here. What are you doing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is not how you take pants measurements. I need to take the measurement of the waist. That's not how you do it. Okay, fine. What are you doing? 42. It's not 42. I need to leave a little extra room, Michael. It's not 42. That's my crutch. Don't do that. Let me get the length. Don't. Don't do that. Hold on. Let me hold. Let me hold. 42 by 22. That's not. That's ridiculous. 42 by 22. I forgot your inseam. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't, don't, don't. Be a professional. I am being professional. You're digging in there. Very tiny inseam. So weird. That's what the nurse said. Well, I've got some ideas. First, I think for you, a biker.

2:24:45Yeah. Like a full leather vest. No. Leather pants. No. Assless child. No. Stop it. Biker hat. Ball gag. No. Shut up. Ball gag. This is ridiculous. No. No, Wolfgang. What? You are an idiot. Boy, I can't believe how much I've missed you. You jerk. What about a German shepherd? Watch your mouth. What about a German shepherd? A dog? I'm not going to be a German shepherd. No, like a German shepherd, like a shepherd from Germany. I bring in, you have a big long crook and a little lamb behind you. You're a real German shepherd, Michael. Oh, you're so dumb. Make a big robe with a rope belt around the front and a big crook. You look like Jesus with a shepherd with a lamb behind you. I hate this bit. Doesn't that sound right? No, you are embarrassing. Why? Because you embarrass me. I want to make you a German shepherd, Michael. That would be hilarious. How about I'll worry about my own costume? You should be the German. You're the one that's German. I have a costume, trust me. Okay. I want to help you, Michael. So if you get your costume, bring it to me. I will do all the alterations, everything you need. You've lost your marbles. That may be true, Michael. I've been in Munich for six months.

2:26:09Somebody said that they was not a big fan of Wolfgang. So I left and now I came back. And I say, if you don't like it. Wow. Is that a joke? No, he didn't. A little too much. No, you didn't. Did you just dump me, Michael? You know, Wolfgang, you are a little, sometimes you're a little saucy. I believe that Jay said that on the air one time and you did not dump him. Listen. Listen, Wolfgang, sometimes you're a little much. Wow. So they tell me. Why are you trying to get me in trouble, Wolfgang? I believe that you said that before, Jay. Anyway, I've got to go. I've got a brunch. All right. I will see you later. Thank you. Bye, Wolfgang. Hey, we'll see you again in seven. I missed Wolfgang. Me too. Let's see. M1, S-Dog, are you there? What was the word of the day? S-Dog, are you there? Did I hit the line? No, I didn't. That's part of the problem. Estog, what was the word of the day? Marbles. That is right. Wow, that was good. Paying attention. That was good. It was good at paying attention. I told Wolfgang that he lost his marbles, and you heard it. I listed every day for it. You just won a SeaWorld 4-pack worth $236. Yeah. Very spectacular. That's right. You get to go to the Spooktacular. Hang on the line, okay?

2:27:38Thank you. Very, very well done. We have a new game. It's not a game. It's kind of a topic starter type of thing. I'm so over it. It's just the stuff that you're over. It could be anything. It could be anything. It could be the Padres almost making it and not making it. I'm over it. It could be Lady Gaga and the meat stuff. I'm over it. I get it. You're Lady Gaga. You're shocking. I get it. I'm over it. It could be telemarketing calls that you get at 8 o'clock at night. I'm over it. Or something that is oversaturated. You see it. It could be the buzz on the movie Inception. Nike. I'm over it. It could be that. I got a couple. What?

2:28:39First of all, I'm over the door-to-door salesman in my neighborhood. So far, since I have moved in, I have bought U-verse from a door-to-door salesman. I have bought magazines from a door-to-door salesman. And I've had to turn down an energy company, a lawn cleaning service, a tree trimming guy, a guy that wants to wash my cars. I don't like, I have five dogs. When you knock on my door, all five of my dogs go bananas. Bananas. And then me, the sucker. I might as well just take my checkbook out. I'll just leave a blank check taped to the door and you guys can just take it. That's how they do it. I mean, that's how they stay in business. They get me, dude, every time. Because they got their people, you know, like you. They're not in my neighborhood yet. You know why? I feel bad for them. Yeah, I would do the same thing. I feel bad for them, dude. I have been a salesperson before. I have been a door-to-door type salesperson. And I feel bad for them. So I'm like... I, and also as a former salesperson, I'm like, all right, I kind of want to see your bit. I want to see how you pitch me, you know? But if you don't need it. Do you sell the knives door to door? No, I sold art out of the back of my car. You sold art? Yeah. Like what kind of art? It was a dude named Art. Yes. You want to buy a guy named Art? Anybody want to buy Art? Yeah. No, it was Art. What kind? Name it. Like you would do, you would have abstracts in the back of your car? Yeah. Monet. Framed? Yeah, like the fake Monets. Framed.

2:29:58Motivational posters. Weird. So I'd go to a business, and I'd be like, hey, you're going to need some of these motivational posters. It was the worst. I wanted to blow my head off. It was the worst. Would you actually sell those? I sold my ass off. And people would buy that? My first day, I sold like $800 worth of merchandise. Did you really? What's a good salesman? Yeah. Can you show me? I've never experienced you selling. Oh, I can sell. Will you go in the other room, get on the phone, call me, and sell me something? Yeah. And I'll be open to it. Okay. So I won't, I won't, you know. Have a rabbit hole real good? Yeah. Why? What are we going to do? I'm so over it. Oh yeah, I'm so over it. I'll sell you though. Nobody's really, I mean, we only got a couple of calls. You know what? Let me think about a product and I'll sell you. Okay. I'll tell you what I'm over. What are you over? While we're doing it. What? The Palins and their 15 minutes of fame. Agreed. So over. Yeah. Agreed. I'm over the Kardashians. Me too. I'm over hearing that name. I'm over the hashtags in Twitter. Me too. You know what bothers me is that I work with some really, really talented people that work really, really hard at what they do. And somebody like Lauren, somebody like Mikey, I don't want to pouch myself or anything, but somebody like me that works hard and considers myself a talented dude, these people are famous for having no talent. And not that I want fame per se, but...

2:31:20They don't have any talent. And I mean no talent. Nothing. They're not even trying to claim that they have a talent. Spencer Pratt is talent-less. He was living in the town that they happened to film a reality show in. Yeah. And that dude is going to clear God knows what money-wise. I totally get that. I think there's a lot of people that feel that way about the Spencer Pratt's and the Kardashians of the world. That's not my rap with them. My rap with them is, what was that? I don't know. My rap with them is... Spencer Pratt texting him. Yeah. Not too pleased. Tweeting. My rap with that is that I think they're bad for kids. I think so, too. I really do. People wanting to be... Now, do you just want to be famous? Yeah. It's not even aspiring to do anything. I just want to... People... Kids want dumb luck, and they just want to be famous. I think I told you that when I went and saw Driscoll speak... Yeah. That Driscoll said that there was a stat that he had read. A poll. A poll of high school kids. And more than anything else, what did they aspire to? And they were looking for stuff like, I want to make a lot of money. I want to do this. I want to do, you know, they were thinking that's what they were going to. I want to be a vet. I want to be a doctor. I want to be an attorney. And it was like, it was this overwhelming majority. It was like 70 something percent of these kids said they wanted to be.

2:32:51reality star it's absurd man and the reason that they did was because they wanted to be famous and that's how they wanted to be famous I can't imagine wanting fame that's the last thing that I want I don't want like paparazzi people scrutinizing you like I can't imagine that people would aspire to have that For me, it's not that. I do. You want fame? I want to get paid. And I do want fame. And I think I have to in order to... I don't think I can honestly say that there isn't a part of me... Let me put it this way. There's a certain degree of celebrity to what I do now. Oh yeah, absolutely. And if somebody said to me, Well, what if that was gone? You know, part of it is very fulfilling in that it like gives me a feeling that people like me. Yes. And that makes me feel good. Yeah. I guess so. I just wouldn't. I think there's a difference between being recognizable and being a brand and being like. How could you not want to be famous, though? But you're a comedian.

2:34:17I would want to succeed and be able to, you know, have people come out and see the shows. Can't have both, I don't think. Well, yeah, I mean. I don't think you can be a really good comedian without being famous. I guess a certain level of, I don't want that level of fame that they have. Like name a comedian you don't want to be. Dean Cook. You don't want to be that famous. Uh-uh. Where you're in movies and stuff like that? I would. No, not that, but it's like. So you want to be a funny comedian. Maybe an original comedian. Yeah. Because you do want to do movies. Because he's not as relevant anymore. Daniel Tosh. I mean, he's just like. Oh, God, I would. Man. That's everywhere. He probably can't go. Look what happened to Chappelle. He went crazy. That's true. Like, he couldn't take the level of fame. I think he may have already been a little crazy. M1 Colleen from San Diego. What are you over? Colleen? Oh, my gosh. No, no. Hey, Mikey. Mikey. Oh, Collin. Collin. Dude, I got the name wrong. I'm sorry. It's Collin. I'm sorry. I screwed up. Sorry. Quick. Sure. You guys. Thank you, man. Absolutely fantastic. As the week goes on, I get sadder and sadder. That's awesome. Thank you, man. On Friday, I won't listen to you for like two more days. We feel the same way, dude. Question. Question, Colin. Send it. Have you dreamt about us yet? Oh, yeah. All the time. The Mikey Show set as my alarm, and I don't necessarily wake up right away.

2:35:49Because that's a sign. A lot of people say that we're such a part of their lives that they'll actually dream about us. That's weird. Yeah, I get the Mikey show incorporated into my dream just about, you know, that morning. Very cool. All right, I'm over a few things. I'm over MTV. Me too. Right. Me too. I'm over affliction shirts. Yep. And for ladies, I'm over the little sandal heel things. What is that? I don't understand it. It's like these open shoes, these sandals with giant heels on them. I don't get it. Those are the things that you were talking about, right? I hate those things. Oh, Colin, you're going to be so disappointed in me. I think they're sexy. Extended flip-flops. Are they the cork-looking? No, we've been over this. Those are wedges. Those are fine. Those are cool. I've changed my tune on that, by the way. The big, thick flip-flops, I'm out. Yeah, they're out. I'm out.

2:36:49Yeah, they look like Jesus sandals, but with a giant spike on the back of them. I don't get it. I think I know. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are trashy, too. I know what you're talking about. He has no idea what you're talking about. No, I do. I do. Once he said that they had the spike, now I know what you're talking about. I saw your face. I was like, I don't think he does. No, I do. I don't like those. He doesn't really like shoes without a back. Most importantly, Mike, I am over the faux hawk. I don't get it. I think the fauxhawk is... Well, Woods is real embarrassed right now. Woods has a little fauxhawk. Woods has a tiny fauxhawk. Mine is not... It's not really a fauxhawk because it doesn't go up in the back. It just goes up in the front. Mine just goes up in the front. I don't do the full fauxhawk. Oh, no, no, no. It's that little tiny thing that sticks up just right in the middle. I have a peak in the front. Oh, yeah, that's... I know what you're talking about, and I don't like that either. Those are great ones. Colin, great call. Thank you, bro. Thanks, Mike. M1, Ronnie Boy from Oceanside. What's up, Mikey? What's going on? Hey, I'm tired of these tattoo shows, man. There's too many. Really? Are there tattoo shows? There's too many. There's Miami Inc. Oh, tattoo shows. Yeah, tattoo shows. Right? On television. On television? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's too many of them. They're not even about tattoos anymore. It's a soap opera. Yeah, it's about the relationships within the parlor. Oh, boy.

2:38:17Yeah, I agree with you. Thank you for the call. How does that do, Artis? It's terrible. I agree. That would burn his butt. M1 Joey from San Diego. Hey, how's it going? I would like to say I love your show, and I agree with just about every one of you over this morning. MTV and even the History Channel being at the top of my list, having reality shows that have nothing very little to do with history. Oh, boy. They do? I almost know. Aside from the Pawn Stars, you know, which can be cool sometimes, but some of the shows are just ridiculous. But the thing I am most over is the DMV. Oh, yeah. Come on. I do not know how that place brings in the type of money they do. They have to. And they are 30 years behind everybody else's technology. It's absurd. It is. It's absurd. Three hours yesterday to get a piece of paper stamped. It's absurd. But I could move the car to an auto shop. Hey, but wasn't it fun sitting in that plastic blue seat that's filthy and it's got graffiti on it, which you wonder, how did someone put graffiti on this? Yeah, but it's always fun watching somebody's little two-year-old pick...

2:39:33crumbs off. Yeah, that's fun. You know what else is fun? Smelling a diaper that somebody needs to go change the diaper. There's always that. There's always somebody screaming kids somewhere. I love their bit too now and you can make an appointment. If you make an appointment, you still wait an hour. It's ridiculous. It's brutal. Can you guys think of anything else? I'm over the whole booking of flights. And the fees that go along with it. The whole process. The whole process of travel I'm over. Over the weather. Every part of it. Oh, I'm over the weather. I love the weather. Come on. Oh, I was waiting. I knew. Let me guess. Buzzkill. What are you over, Buzzkill? I know you are. But what am I? I'm over it. Are you? Whatever you say. Sticks to me. What would you do, though? If we went off the air, what would you do? I would love it. I would have a party. You would have a party? I would have a party. Who would you invite? I probably would invite every friend I have. So your mom. You and your mom. All the other M1s. Your imaginary friend, Shiloh. What would you do from 6 to 10? But we wouldn't be on the air. What if we weren't on the air? I have other abilities and talents. Like what? What? Hacking? No, not hacking. Although I know how. Of course you do. Of course. Are you building a time machine? No, I'm not building a time machine. You've already built it. Are you getting good at Guitar Hero? I actually play guitar. Oh, really? Do you?

2:41:06Well, specifically, I play the sit-door. Why is that? Because it's an incredible instrument from India. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about it. You should come in on a Friday and come play it. Would you like to come in studio? No, because that would mean that I like your show. You love our show. I don't. Are you nervous? I'm not nervous at all. The only thing I'm nervous about... I don't get a radio that will finally pick Jagger and Christy up so that I can start listening. Why don't you go shop for one instead of calling in eight times a day? Sell one of your computers. Maybe because I don't live in an area that gets good reception for Jagger and Christy. Maybe move out of your mom's basement. Sell one of your gaming systems.

2:41:56Okay. Yeah, you really don't need six. You don't need an Xbox, you know, Xbox 360, a PS2, a PS3. A Wii. Nintendo Game Boy, a Wii. He never uses his Wii, I guarantee you. I've seen his picture. You know what you don't need? What? Another article from Ken Layton. Wow. That's true. You don't need that, actually. That's true. Ken, I can get you his home address. Can you? Can you? Is this still you guys? Yeah, it's still us. You should come in this Friday. You guys are pissed. Why don't you hang up the phone? Wow. I think he did. He's over us. Finally hung up. Fired up, always. What are you over? 570-1949. And I want to see Woods. Woods, I want you to sell me on something. How about I recruit you? Okay. Oh, yeah, dude. That's what Woods did. And he was the best. I was the man. Let's see if I still got it.

2:43:12His deal was getting you to leave your company. Come work for him. All right, we'll be back. So I don't know if you know this, but Woods, his job before joining the Mikey show was that he was what they call a recruiter, which, by the way, until I met Woods, I didn't even know that existed. You didn't? Had no clue. Really? In fact, it took a long time before I actually really got it. I was like, that's a job? Yeah. People do that? It's a job to find jobs. Yeah. The idea is that he would recruit salespeople to come and work for him. Well, to come and work for his company, which was called Reach Local. And so I'm going to be a sales guy. A potential candidate. A potential candidate.

2:44:27and he wants me to come work for Reach Local. He wants me to leave my job at ABC Broadcasting or let's say XYZ Radio. XYZ Radio. And he wants me to come work for Reach Local as a salesperson. So I'm answering the phone, and he's calling me as a recruiter. Hello, this is Mike. Mike, Steve Woods, Reach Local. How are you? I'm good. Good. Listen, I make it my business to know the best. of the best in the industry. And your name is the name, man. It's come across my desk three or four times as somebody that's really, really good at what they do. You're currently in sales at XYZ Broadcasting, right? How are things going over there? They're going good. How did you get my info? Well, like I said, man, again, don't flip out or anything. I'm not calling to recruit you. I'm really just calling you, man, to get names of other people.

2:45:27Great people know great people. And I have heard your name from, like I said, three or four different people. They said Mike Esparza is one of the top sellers at XYZ. And you're just somebody, man, like I said, I make it my business to know the best. I just want to get on your radar. Well, not that I'm not suspicious or anything like that, because I'm not saying that I'm suspicious of it, but this is not like a telemarketing thing? No, man, we are the... the country's largest internet marketing company. You're familiar with Google, right? Right. Yeah, Google's our biggest client. So you've heard of local search where, you know, you'll go to your, what do you use Google for, Mike? Just looking up stuff, you know, like clients and stuff. Okay. Yeah. So like when you and your wife are sitting around on a Saturday afternoon and you order a pizza, do you go to Google and type in, you know, pizza San Diego? Yeah. Okay. What my company does is we actually get you to the top. You know, in really premium positioning on those major search engines, Google, Yahoo, MSN, AOL, it's pay-per-click marketing is what it is. You know, it literally is the wave of, it's not even the wave of the future, it's the wave of right now. Because you're selling radio, and listen, nothing against radio. I sold radio for many years. But, you know, this is how a lot of things are going these days.

2:46:45Yeah, the only thing is that I don't know anything about that stuff. Well, you know, again, Mike, that's something that you're going to want to probably, as a leader in your industry, probably going to want to do some research on, man, because it is where a lot of this stuff is going. Well, I will definitely do that. But you are, like I said, somebody that I want to talk to just to kind of see if you may be interested in making a career change to something that is... you know, it could be potentially a lot more lucrative for you. Can you be specific? Absolutely, man. How'd you do last year? I did pretty good, man. I made about 70K. 70K. Okay. Our top reps are making between 130 and 140K a year. I mean, that's almost double what you made. And is it all commission? No, not at all. There's a base salary plus commission. There are bonus structures in place, stock options, things like that. I mean, that's all something we can get into down the road. At this point, man, I want to get you excited about what we have to sell and about our company. Amen. Yeah. Boom. Amen. That's pretty good. Yeah. That was good. It was rusty. Is that how it would go? Oh, yeah. It's pretty smooth. Would it go like that? I'd have been rusty. Is that what it was? A lot of times it was like, you know, it just depended, man. What would they act like? A lot of people were, you know, they're like, yeah, dude, I hate it here.

2:48:11you know they feel you make them feel good because they're getting a call at their office and they're like they're looking around and they're like and i when i tell them hey man your name has come across my desk as somebody that i have to talk to because you're the man they're like yeah that's right i am the man and yeah dude i'm totally interested how did you get their names um a lot of times i that was the way i found them i was a guy that i didn't pull a lot of resumes off a monster because the way i always looked at it is if they're on monster and they're searching i wanted the guy that was Comfortable, not happy. Because I could get that guy. The guy that was actively looking would tell me everything I wanted to hear. So I would find that guy that wasn't looking. He wasn't even looking for a career change. And I would... Because that meant he was good at what he did. He was good at what he did. And he wasn't happy, but he was really comfortable. Somebody should take that recording of what you guys just did and send it to Reach Local. I bet we could get some advertising out of him. Yeah, probably. That was the best spot ever. M1 Papa Drizzy there? I am here. What are you over? Well, first and foremost, I'm over advertisement. Everything now has turned into something that you can advertise on. You too. People are even getting tattoos to advertise to somebody to get a free product. Well, I can't say that I'm over advertising because it's what pays the bills around here. Exactly. And so I'm very into advertising, especially on the Mikey show. And by the way, feel this thing. You want to advertise.

2:49:39On the Mikey Show. Cool. Cool. And we'll let you advertise. I've never had a problem really with, I've always been in media, you know, and I've always been in the media field. So I've always been really intrigued. by advertising. Yeah, that's what I went to school for, but I see what he's saying. If it's all over the little things you click on. It's going in places that you don't, like it wasn't traditionally there and everywhere is a chance to advertise. Like the Visa halftime show. You know where else is that the only place that bothers me is at the movies. Yeah. For some reason. That's the only place that bothers me. Doesn't bother me. You're going to be sitting there anyway. You know what it is, though? Put on some previews. It's places that they didn't used to be. That's what bugs me. I don't come in the beginning of YouTube. Yeah, that little 10-second video clip or commercial in front of my clip. I'm like, here, here, here, you have to see this funny video, and then we have to watch 15 seconds of, like, whatever. I don't know. You know what? I think they could get the message across in five seconds. Yeah, they could. Five seconds, I wouldn't be so against. I'm like, hold on, hold on. Let's see. M1, Elaine from Rancho Bernardo. Okay, hey, guys. It's Elaine, actually. Elaine?

2:50:50Celine, like Celine Dion. Celine. Oh, Celine. Go ahead, Celine. So first, I want to holler at my husband, Jason. Hello. There you go. Oh, yeah. Holla. So, actually, to add to what you guys were just saying, the ad that actually bugs me the most is during football. At the bottom of the screen, they have all these pop-ups. It is so... irritating. Yeah. I do hate that little logo comes across and then people kind of run out of it or something. You're trying to watch a program. A program. One of my programs. Yeah. Second thing is Starbucks in every corner. It's like, are you serious? Really? Are you not making enough for the year? Supply and demand though. People keep drinking that. I was in the bathroom the other day at Starbucks. Your favorite place to go. Yeah. Barstacks. In the bathroom the other day at Starbucks, and they had just opened a Starbucks in the bathroom, so it was great. What? It really helps. I believed you for about .25 seconds. I know you did. Still got to tell you about how officials lost track of 16,000 sex offenders. Tell you what they're doing about it next. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine. Oh.

2:52:48Woodsy, how did officials lose track of 16,000 sex offenders? This is in Wisconsin where there's a system that's operated by a company in Boulder, Colorado. And what they do is they put these... Basically, he's tracking devices on sex offenders. Well, the system went down, leaving authorities in 49 states blind to their movements for about 12 hours. Now, the only good thing is they were unaware that they were not being tracked. So they didn't know. But in Wisconsin, they went out and actually rounded up 140 sex offenders, threw them in jail until it was fixed. No way. Yes, absolutely. And yeah, they shut down. The shutdown affected about 300 people in Wisconsin, most of them sex offenders. Wow. Wow, man. Insane. Yeah. I was asking LOB this morning when I was reading this article. I said, what if we chip these people, a GPS chip for sex offenders? And I said, sure. Who would have a problem? She's on board with that. Well, I didn't want kids and, you know, just regular people to be chipped at birth or at any point. But once you do a hideous crime like that.

2:53:57You give up your rights. Mm-hmm. So go ahead. Chip away. I agree. Permanently. I'd say we just put them down. Put it where it hurts. Yeah. Done with them. That's a nice segue into another story, if you want it. The Polish story. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. This is insane. Crazy story. And let me find it. Hill just walked in. Right quick. Hi, Hill. Sorry our area is so disgusting, Hillary. Try to move those potato chips without making noise. It's so gross. It's so awful. The headphones are very... I know. I'm sorry. Hot wings and bananas and shaving cream. It's Mikey's area, apparently. Did you guys know, in Poland, they have... passed a law that says it is okay to forcibly castrate pedophiles. Really? Yes. Pedophiles convicted of raping children at the age of 15 years would have to undergo chemical therapy, is what they're calling it. Do you think that anybody in America would have a problem with that? I don't know how they could. I think there would be.

2:55:03Activists. Oh, absolutely. Like what kind of activist? Human rights. Human rights activists. But like I said, once you commit a hideous crime like that. You know what I would say to those human rights activists? I would say, yeah. Last time I checked, a child was a human. Right. So I'm going to be an activist for them. Absolutely. But what if he's not guilty? What if he was wrongly accused? Well. Then that's definitely an issue. But I mean, that's. I mean, that's what they're going to say is like, you know, well, he has time. And two wrongs will make a right. We'll say, I guess you could say that about any criminal for any crime. Then we shouldn't put anybody in jail. We shouldn't punish anybody. Right. This guy, Prime Minister Donald Tusk, is genius. He says he branded them degenerates. And then he said he did not believe, quote, one can use the term human for such individuals, such creatures. Therefore, I don't think protection of human rights should refer to these kind of events. There we go. That's our answer. My only, my only qualm with it, and I absolutely, if it's chemical castration where, and so what does that mean? That basically they cannot get an erection? No, no, I don't think. I don't think they can get an erection. Yeah, maybe that's it.

2:56:14So that's pretty humane if you ask me. But I think the only time where it could be called into question is if it was like an 18-year-old boy that had a loving relationship with a 15-year-old girl. Because I know when I was 15. You know what I mean? And then if the parents got involved, you know what I mean? That's where we get really... I think what we're talking about is rape. I think we're talking about raping children. Oh, God. Absolutely. I'm in. I think anybody would be. 570-1949 is our number. And if you want, you can text us. And that is 949mikey at gmail.com. You know, Verizon is... Insiders are saying that... iPhone is going to go to Verizon. Yes, it was in the Wall Street Journal. I've been holding out. Me too. I have too. Have you? I have. I have a pink Blackberry. LLB and I, both LLBs. Looks like it's been through the washing machine. Mine is new and is broken, so it's perfect. Mine is new and is broken. I drop it every day. My wife is going to be so irritated that I bought an iPhone, the new iPhone, in June. And when it comes out on Verizon, I'm going to want to switch. And I'm going to have to get.

2:57:30A new iPhone. That's the only way to... Because you'll want Verizon coverage? Because, yeah. If you want Verizon coverage, you won't be able to use your old iPhone. Oh, really? I don't think so. Probably not. Interesting. Well, unless I pay some sort of a... I don't know. It's that CDMA is what the Verizon network runs on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so it will be different. Well, I have no idea. Great. But absolutely, that's the only thing that has stopped me from getting an iPhone. I have Verizon right now. I'm happy with it. And I hear nothing but complaints about people who have iPhones with their coverage. I saw a new Verizon phone that looks just like the iPhone. It's not the Droid. I'm not sure what it is. My niece has it. But it is full screen, has apps. It does everything an iPhone does. I'm telling you, it ain't an iPhone. It's not a Mac. It's amazing. It's not an Apple. It's not that Apple technology. stuff just works so good. And I love the people in the Apple store. Ever since they fixed my computer for free, I'm like, I'll buy whatever you got. I'm all the way in, too. I didn't used to be, and I am sold. I mean, Woodsy, if you replace that laptop, would you ever go to a Dell? No. No. Me either. Never. This is the great... My wife and I, I'm like, maybe we put our laptops down, because we both have our laptops in our laps for hours, and we're just both like...

2:58:48in love with it it's so great best money i've ever spent besides my laser i definitely judge people that when they have their laptops out if they don't have a macbook well hey like my husband has a laptop and it's not a um an apple, but it's his work. Well, I have this one too. I judge. I do a little bit of judgment. I don't do the judgment. What I do is I go, oh, you poor thing. Yes! I do. I go, oh man. Friends for years give me grief. Like, oh, really don't want to make the switch? Finally I did. Although Jeremy thinks that we're a bunch of clowns. Jeremy, our engineer. Oh, he is so wrong about that. He's vehemently against Apple and Apple products. He's a smart guy, too. He's a very smart guy. He's very handsome, too. What? The deal is, oh, wow. He's funny and nice. He's got a great head of hair. He smells good. Yeah, some of the men in my life. He's really hot. His hair has been looking really good. It has. Maybe it's thicker. I think it's thicker. Stronger. Stronger. Shinier. Ovation works. Definitely weird right now. Definitely weird right now. He's such a sharp dude. This is weird right now. This is weird.

3:00:01The deal with night before I switched is I thought I don't want to learn something new Yeah, and I thought it was gonna be hard It's not I said for the first time in my life I bought my computer when I moved to San Diego staying at Mike's house And we went and bought my me and Mac and I bought it and I sat down on his floor in his office, and I figured out how to set it up myself, which I have never done. It's an adjustment because the buttons that you have to get to do things, and your brain is so wired to work on a PC. But once you do it, it's actually more user-friendly and intuitive. It makes more sense. It's for idiots. It's much more intuitive. I'm an idiot when it comes to technology. An idiot. But everything on the... The big thing about them is things look prettier. Yes, they look better. Your design is so great. Pictures are pretty. Designer friendly. Real vibrant. Yeah.

3:00:54And movies look cool, and it's just, it's cool. It's the best. Hillary, what do you have coming up? I grabbed a couple new things. Fitz and the Tantrums, one of our recommended albums this month. So good. So I'm going to play that really soon, a song from that record. I grabbed Florence and the Machine. I love that. Some new Jimmy E World, Mumford & Sons, and then the specials, some old stuff too. It'll be good. How's your little girl? She's doing great. She's good. She's back at school today. Thank you. Very good. Our best. Did you get freaked out when you walked in and saw my face? I did. What's going on there? Let me explain. It actually looks nice. Does it? Oh, yeah. That's very nice. Oh, wow. Woods just went, yeah, sure it does. It does. What happened was I was shaving this morning, and under my nose, I shaved a little too much, and I wanted to correct it. And I overcorrected a little bit, and I thought, I can... do this and I came in here and Lauren didn't notice and Jay didn't notice and Woods noticed and laughed. And then Lauren noticed and I could see that when she noticed she was trying to be nice when she said I can barely notice. She's lying. No, I was sugarcoating. There's a difference. And so Woods was persistent at killing me.

3:02:20And I finally sent Chris. Girl. Girl. I finally sent Chris out to go get shaving cream and a razor. That's why there's a razor right there. That's why there's a razor. Oh, and shaving cream. That doesn't explain the chicken wings, the banana, or the sun chips. And the muffin. Yeah. Oh, this bag's really loud. That's what we did. You know about that, right? I do. That's so ridiculous. This is it. But it's biodegradable. I love that. Do you want some of my sun chips? That's so good. I didn't think anything of it. Wow, that is rather loud. It's awful. Dude, but so what? It's biodegradable. That rules. I know. It's ridiculous. When your husband is sleeping next to you and you just want to have a snack at night. Who's eating chips in bed? I'm sorry, babe. Babe, I've got to get up at 3 in the morning. I'm just so hungry. I'm sorry, babe. I'm so sorry. Clowns. Clowns everywhere. It's biodegradable. Lovely and talented Hillary is up next. We'll see you tomorrow morning at 6 o'clock. The Mikey Show's out.