The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 10/08/10

2:20I'm all tangled up over here. Your headphones? Nothing is done, nothing is done. Is your headphones all tangled? Yeah, I got out of it. Welcome. We got a big show for you today. We got a packed house and we are ready to roll. First of all, I need to let you know that Hoyle is going to be in here at 7.30 and he is going to be performing an original rap called What's it called? He who smelt it, dealt it. It's brilliant. That's right, it is. It's sans vinegar, by the way. Yeah, it ain't oil and vinegar anymore. Because you, vinegar, don't like to cooperate. Well, I don't like our band. I want to be in a real band. Why are we not a real band? Because I want to be in a band with guitars and drums and a bass. A real guitar hero over there? Yeah, jukebox hero. Is that right? Yeah.

3:21Well, oil and vinegar was gonna make to the top. You know what? I'm gonna replace your vinegar. Fine. You want to know something? Take L.O.B. She's a real good rapper. And she's so inclined in that genre, if you can read between the lines. True. Put her in the band and be oil and water. Oil and water. What does that mean? Drop that zero and get with the hero. It means you fight me. I don't fight you. You do. You don't respect my authority. You micromanage everyone. Yes, I don't. You call it micromanage. I call it rules. Well, everybody else calls it micromanage. Everybody else calls it he who smelt it, dealt it. I can't wait to hear this. I know. Word of the day is precocious. There's nothing that gets on my nerves more than a movie with... precocious children. Now, I'm not saying the word of the day. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to work that word into a sentence between now and ten. I didn't just say it. You just said it. No, I didn't. You just said it. I heard you. I heard you. But that wasn't it. But I do. I don't like that. Why? Because they're always, because it's formulaic and I feel as if I have to think they're cute. Example. McCalky Calky. Home Alone. McCallie Calkin.

4:50You have to be on board with him? I have to be on board with that. Jared the Wire kid, maybe? Yeah, I mean, sometimes they really do get you like that. He got me. He got me, you know, but sometimes they put the kids in there and I'm just like, I don't think you're as spunky as the director wants me to. And I don't think that what you just said is something that a kid would ever say. You find that a lot in sitcoms. Yeah, you do. Little kids. The kid that sounds like a politician. Yes. Like, you know what the worst example of that was, was in Family Ties. That little blonde girl. Oh, yeah. The little blonde. Yes. She was Tina Yothers. Tina Yothers. She always had the most, you know, quippy things to say, and I never bought it. Yeah. That's why I was never a fan of sitcoms. Never seen a full episode of Friends. Oh my gosh. Even though you're friends with Ross and Rachel? No, my friends' names are Russ and Rachel. Are you sure they're real people? They are. They are real people. I've seen scenes. I've never seen a full episode of the following shows. Friends, Seinfeld, The Simpsons. Never seen a full episode.

6:15You are a sad, strange little man. I understand. I agree. I understand. My wife and I were talking about last night a movie that we have never seen that we may be the only two Americans that have never seen. What? It's a Wonderful Life. I've never seen it. Never seen it. Yes, great. Good deal, dude. I think there's a lot. Well, you were there at the filming. Yeah. It was on something we were watching, and I go, you know, hon. Never seen that movie. Yeah. She goes, me neither. I was like, we're the only one. I only knew it because it was on National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Every time a bell rings. An angel gets her wings. But you've seen the movie. No. No. I thought you just said. I saw National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I've also never seen. You tell me if you guys have. Have you guys ever seen Gone with the Wind? No. Never seen it. Never will. Casablanca? Nope. Never seen it. What's the one that was Citizen Kane? Citizen Kane. Nope. Never seen it. I know the famous lines. Yeah, me too, but I've never seen them. And the clips. I did see Rebel Without a Cause. Never seen it. I did see most of that. I think I've seen all these. Have you? You were there for the filming. There was nothing else to do. Yeah. 5701949 is our number. I'm Mikey. I'm the host of the show. I felt so overweight this morning. Why? When I put this shirt on. It looks great. I did the thing where I...

7:35It's slimming. It's vertical stripes. It's slimming. Trying to stretch it. I do that. I have to do that sometimes. And Krell will hook it up real good, just bust out of the shirt. Yeah. My V-necks are getting a little tighter than they used to be. Not the worst feeling. I'm blaming it on the laundry doer at my house. That's probably not the case, though, pal. Exactly. They're turning into little belly shirts. Yeah. That's great. That's sexy. I'm blaming it on... mini donuts that you buy at a gas station. Fair enough. I'm blaming on it. Sometimes we eat three meals before noon. Yeah. It's the worst. It's true. I get home every day. My wife's like, can I make you a sandwich? I'm like, no, not hungry. Had steak and eggs at the office. No, but you can make my boobs a sandwich. Yeah, exactly. Even though I'm a man. Even though I'm a man and I have breasts. Yes, I know. Oh, my goodness. Tiny breasts with tiny little nipples attached. Yeah. Terrible. That is... I watched the show... Let me tell you something. I wonder if anyone feels this way. I'll watch the show The Biggest Loser and I will think in my head as they're walking up to the scale, I'll go...

8:51No. I feel that. I feel that. I'm just telling you. That's what I feel. I'm giving you my innermost personal thoughts. I go, that's what my chichis look like. No. My chichis. Chichis. Look at the fun bags on that horse hound. This morning, I was driving out of my garage, and I thought, I feel puffy, like I'm on my period. I have those days where I will look in the mirror. I'm like, oh, wow. Easy chubs. Yeah. Do you feel it, though? Yeah. Do you sometimes feel like your face is chubby? Yes. Yeah, I think everybody does. They do? Did you eat a lot of salt last night? Maybe you're retaining water. Yeah, you could be. Yeah, you could be retaining water if you ate a lot of salt. Maybe I'm getting fatter. No, you're not. Really? Yeah. No, I think I am, though, L.O.B. You look svelte. Have you ever noticed this? Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you gain weight... People go, are you losing weight? Yeah, it's a weird thing. They say it to me all the time. And I'm like, no, you said it to me. But I'm like, no, I'm better. Really? Yes. Sometimes I'll be like, I'll go to a party where I haven't seen a group of friends in a while. I'm like, man, I was just in better shape. I look like crap. And then someone will be like, gosh, what are you? You look thin. I'm like, what?

10:10Yeah. That's what my doctor said. I went in, and he weighed me and everything, and I'd gone up 10 pounds. He's like, you look cut. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm not buying her bit at all. It's ridiculous. She's so thin. She's so thin. It's hard. My weight fluctuates like 5 to 10 pounds a week. I go from 84 to 87 pounds, and it's just mind-blowing. L.O.B., how would you feel? How would you feel if I looked at you, and I was like, and I was like, My eyes are so blue that I just can't deal with it. I can't deal with it anymore. Like, I sometimes just look in the mirror and I'm like, you know, old blue eyes. I'm not saying I'm overweight or obese or anything. I'm just saying everybody has those days. I don't care how. It's hard to hear from a person with really blue eyes. Who's in such good shape. I'm not. You look like it. Everybody has their own target weight, shape. healthy feeling. How many fat girls would be pissed off at you right now? My piece is getting so big, I just don't know what to do. I just barely walk around anymore. Do you know how many skinny girls? Even Chris just looked at me and went, yeah, Mike, why would he say that? Why would he say that? I just waved at me leaving my body. I'll see you in four hours, pal. I think you look great. I'm not trying to say that I'm like, you know.

11:35A fat girl or anything. I'm just saying, everybody has those days. M1 Danny is on the line, who does look great. Yeah. Who really does. What up, dude? How are you, man? Hey, man. Well, I'm calling in because I've been waiting to call in for a while, but we got these M1 shirts made by a bunch of M1s, and I've been doing a terrible job of plugging them, so I wanted to call in. They are cool. You gave me one for my little boy, and Jakey's wearing an M1 shirt. I saw that picture. It's so cute. It looks rad in them. So sweet. We had M1 Brock print them, and Jared design them, and just did a phenomenal job. I can't even talk about how much extra work those guys put in and went the extra mile to make them. Jared was insane. When it comes to design, I've seen you talk about him, but at the same time, he... Just like every email, I was just like, he's going to hate me because I picked apart his design and every time he was just so cool about it. Jared, if anything, that's a plug for him because he'll work with you no matter what. He is the best. That's rad. I send him annoying emails too. Me too. He's very patient. Your t-shirts look great, bro. Thanks, man. So just go to M1's site, check them out. You'll see a picture. Just follow the links. Can you just buy them online? You just buy them right there, Danny? Yeah. Yeah.

12:58Right on. You'll ship them out in the whole nine yards. I don't sell t-shirts. I'm just dumb that way. I should make t-shirts at some point to say the Mikey show. Just wait. At some point. Let's do it. Yeah, I know it. Here comes Jared and he'll set you up, man. He does a phenomenal job. You know that? I know. I love you, bro. I love you guys, man. All right, man. See ya. You answer me like my dad does. I love you, man. Thank you. Love you, Danny. He does it just like my dad. What does your dad do? I love you, dad. And he goes, I love you guys. That kid, Danny, is on a regimen. A regimen. Yeah, I know, man. That kid looks phenomenal. I know. I said he's in the water like seven days a week now. You can tell. And he looks great, dude. Keep up the good work. Every time we see him at church, my wife goes, he is looking great. I go, easy. Yeah, easy. Easy. You guys are going to be knocking out of the park real soon, real good. Trust me. That makes my mouth water. By the way, all of us when we were driving in this morning saw an Amber Alert and we were trying to find it online. We can't find it online. If anybody's driving right now on the 805 or the 5 and they see that sign, can you call us at 570-1949 and read us what you're seeing so that we can continue to get that information out over the air?

14:19But it was an abducted child, and we want to get that info out. You said a 2009 silver Dodge minivan? Yeah. That was what I saw. I know for sure it was Dodge, but that's why I want somebody to read it to us. You may be right, but I just want to be sure that somebody's reading it and we know exactly what it says, and I want to keep getting it out there, keep getting the information out until it's found. That's the scariest thing in the world to see when you're driving. Let's find a good Samaritan out there. I had a heck of a day yesterday. I didn't hear from you all day. I know. I was a little upset. Well, you know why? You didn't? Why is that? I was busy. Are you saying I'm not busy? My time's not important? Well, let's read from Woods' recap. I'm not saying that you weren't busy. Let's see what you said. Did absolutely nothing yesterday. And loved every minute of it.

15:21watched three baseball games to completion, saw some filthy performances. So maybe he was busy yesterday. Maybe he was. First of all, what is my title on this show? Sports guy. Right. I was working. That's work. That's not pleasure. That is work. He's tried that bit every day. And this is what happened. That's work. I told my wife, listen, Sunday night, I got to watch the game. Saturday, I got to watch college football. Monday night, I have to watch the game. This is work. I am a sports guy. Bravo. Thank you very much. Bravo. Thank you. That is incredible. Thank you. That was work. The rock's on you. Nine hours of work after I worked a full day here on the show. And, you know, just... I'm exhausted. Worked? I'm exhausted. So, our Hungarian nanny, Nita. Nita.

16:22we bought her a car. It's called a POS. Point of sale? A Nissan POS. So that she could get around. Car is 11 years old. Not that bad. It's not that bad. It's missing a hubcap. The paint has flaked off the front. And so... And apparently she went to visit a friend, a nanny, another nanny from Turkey. And right, really close to Jay, like a block away. So I had to, she got a ride back to our house and I had to take her back to her car, call AAA, have AAA come out and jump the car, dead battery. And so it was taken a long time and I'm like, man, we're right by Jay's house. I bet Jay could. get this thing started in two seconds. I bet Jay's got a new battery in his garage. Absolutely. Or he could make one. Make one. And I don't have jumper cables. Weird. Nor do you know how to use jumper cables. Of course not. You don't know how to use them? I don't either. Think I do. I don't either. I don't either. I don't either. Real quickly.

17:34You just put red on red, black on black, and then do you start your car and tell them, now try to start yours? Is that how it works? Yes. Okay, so I guess I do. They first. They start theirs first. But they can't start theirs. Theirs. The guys that are jumping you. Yeah, the jumper. Okay, so I don't have them. And so I text Jay, but Jay is busy. He's with his kid, and so he didn't even see the text. That's what I told him. Oh, boy. I thought so. I thought so. Finally, a Honda CR-V pulls up, which is different looking than a tow truck. Just a little bit. Guy gets out of it and says, Did someone call for us to do the jumping for the car? And I said, Yeah, we did. And he says, Okay. Do I jump? Does this it? And I said, No, it's this one over here. And he went, Okay. So he comes over. puts the jumper cables on, and it isn't the battery. Sounds like a starter. Uh-oh. And so because he came in a Honda CR-V, he said, if you give me $20, I will use my own personal AAA because we couldn't use mine because mine was good only for the make of my car. It wasn't AAA that we were using. Who was this guy that you called? It was a guy.

19:03that the make of my car contracts to come out and jumpstart. And because it wasn't a jump and it was a starter, he says, if you give me $20, we will use my AAA and I will have them come out and then they will tow you. Under the table? $20? I guess. I don't know. He just wanted $20 and what am I going to do? You were going to tip him that anyway. Yeah, you probably should have. So I go in my wallet, and I have $7. Oh, no. And so Nita had to pay the $20. Oh, no. Mike, in my country, when host family buy car for employee, I work hard, I take care of children, they typically... Put the bill. Put the bill. Is this how you say it? For things. Right. They pay. They pay. Pay. I guess you add onto paycheck? Yeah. At the end of week? Yeah. This will be reimbursed. Non-taxed. Non-taxed. Non-taxed. I put on 1099 form. So she says, she says, I go, what do you drive back in Hungary?

20:19She says, I drive 2008 Audi. Oh, my gosh. I said, oh, that's good. That's good. I can't even look at her. Oh, my gosh. And they're towing. They're pulling the chain, pulling this car up onto the tow truck. Meanwhile, her buddy, who's also an au pair, comes out of the house that we're at. And she drives a BMW. Oh, boy. Wow. And you're saying she lives about two blocks away from me? Mm-hmm. That's good to know. Can I get an address? That's right. Creep, creep, creep, creep. And she goes, but I love this. I love this car. It's so good. Do you, do you, do you? She says, this is a true story. Question, Mike, do you know a good place to do car wash? Because I want to... do car wash on this car to try to get it to be clean i want to try wash it making more look like pmw yes if i wash it will it become mercedes-benz mike um do you well you're latino so you may know where can i get a hubcap is there one around somewhere in my country the

21:42You know, we don't drive a trash can and put wheel on it. Missing up. With one trash can wheel missing. Why do you do this to me? Do you not like Nita? Why do you do this to Nita? Do you not like Nita? I should get off. facebook or spend more time reading with children it would be better am i yes am i social network too much what can i do to earn the way up to working automobile you want me to get audio for wood uh should i gather news stories at night to take pressure off of wood Is this what the Americans say? Passive aggression? You're giving me subtle hints? This is what it is? This is subtle hint? Listen, I will not kiss you. For any reason. Any car. For any car. Never. No, no, no. We just wanted to get you a car. We just didn't. I'm sorry. Oh, it was humiliating. And it took like three and a half hours.

23:02And when we left the place that we dropped it off, she goes, what time we leave house to go to do this? And I said, I think 3.30. I think 3. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Took a long time. Yeah. Pretty embarrassing. Yeah. 5701949. Okay, we got it. We got somebody calling. M1 Garrett's downtown. You there, Garrett? What's going on, guys? Garrett! You know what the Amber Alert says. Yeah, I didn't drive by it, but I just got to work, and I looked on the CHP website. Two brothers, Justin and Jacob Quinones, abducted last night at 10 to 8 p.m. from Anaheim, and it looks like they're only a couple years old. Ugh, dude. Okay, and is it a 2009? It's a Dodge Caravan with no license plate at this time.

24:11Okay, and you're saying 2010? That's what it says on here, yeah. Okay, 2010 Silver Dodge Caravan. Or Pewter. Silver or Pewter Dodge Caravan. And there's a dent in the right front door, tinted windows. Go get them, people. I'll post a link right now to that CHP website on the fan page right now. Okay, cool. Dent in right front door. Yep. Okay, got it, man. Thank you. All right, guys. Have a good... See you, buddy. I'm getting conflicting reports. People are saying it's a 2009 on the boards that are on the freeway. Yeah, it said 2009 on the board, but really when you're driving, you really don't know the difference between 2009 and 2010. That is true. Look for a minivan with no license plate. That's probably your biggest... Yeah, and the dent would be a good thing. Yeah, a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Oh, man. They were abducted in an alley outside the family home in Anaheim.

25:18The mother of the abducted children was taking out the trash with the boys when she said two men jumped out of a 2010 Silver or Pewter Dodge caravan, grabbed the kids, and then drove away. The alleged abduction was reported at 7.50 p.m. Witnesses described the suspect as a man. Now, that is an interesting word, witnesses, because maybe there was more people out there. Yeah. Witnesses described the suspect. as a man in his mid-20s and another man in his mid-40s. Justin Quinonez is described as a 2-foot-6-inch tall Hispanic male weighing 38 pounds, black hair, brown eyes. Jacob Quinonez, 3-foot tall Hispanic male weighing 62 pounds, black hair, brown eyes. California apartment complex in Anaheim. So hopefully they find these kids and they find them fast. What's wrong with people? I don't know. These are kids. They weren't doing anything. Gosh, dude. People in their 20s, somebody in their 20s and their 40s. It makes you think, well, what's going on there? Creeps, dude. And the other thing is that it's obviously a crime of opportunity. They saw an opportunity and took it.

26:49They're in the alley, and they must have been like, look at that. Let's go grab them. Right. Which is just, who's that? I don't know. Who are those two guys? Yeah. Anyway, so we will keep you updated. Hopefully, that ends good. Here's what we got for you. Give me a second. All right, here we go. Looks like there's a new team interested in getting Vincent Jackson from the Chargers. We'll tell you who it is when we come back. About an hour from now, Hoyle is going to come on and do his original piece. Got all kinds of stuff coming up for you. It's a Mikey show. Don't go anywhere. Mikey show on a Friday with a live studio audience in here this morning. So we just got a call from someone. It's just black tooth me. But perfect segue. I got to talk about child abduction.

28:22And his black tooth. Oh, boy. That's a gift. What am I supposed to do? I know. Is it actual black tooth? It's wax. Is it for that? Is that what you use it for? Yeah. That's hysterical. Missing tooth wax. That is so great. Oh, my gosh. Let me see it. It's Wood's favorite thing. There's nothing funnier than black tooth. I'm sorry. It's just not anything funnier. It gets him every time. Thank you, guys. So, here's what we just got news on with the child abduction. By the way, it's a 2010 silver or pewter Dodge Caravan. It's got a dent in the right front door, tinted windows. And what we know is, and what we're hearing and what's being reported, is that it was the father of the kids and the grandfather of the kids. I was going to say, there had to be some kind of motive that seems too random. It does. I'm glad they're not, like, creepy.

29:24Perverts. Perverts. Right. Wow. As far as we know. As far as we know. But anyway, that's the description of the car, and so hopefully people are on the lookout for this car. Thank you to Mac and Kenzie, who are in the studio today, and brought Wood's black tooth. Oh, it's the best. They brought me, because I accidentally shaved off part of my mustache yesterday, they brought me a fake mustache, which is great, and... A sippy cup. Of course they did. An orange sippy cup. I got tool belt underwear. Tool belt underwear. The tools are up front, baby. There you go. L.O.B. got a Mr. President Barack Obama mask. It's brilliant. It's so funny. It's great. Who's she going to make wear that? Put it up against your face. I want to see it. Put it on. That's great. That is great. Does that do anything for you, Lauren? Yeah. Lauren is like, wow, you just got so hot. Wow, Woods. What are you doing later? And Woods got the black tooth. Love the black tooth. I love it. So great. Hoyle's new song, He Who Smelt It, Delt It, is coming up in just a bit. Very mature. Looks like there's a team that's interested in obtaining Vincent Jackson services. We're going to tell you who that is.

30:42in Woods on Sports in just a second. Woods, what's the deal with the hidden camera thing in SDSU? Update people on what that was and what's going on. Well, we talked back in July about there was a college area Starbucks near SDSU, and they had found a videotape in there. Some creeper was creeping on girls in the bathroom. And James Burkhart, who's 25 years old, has been... notified of the misdemeanor charge against him. Thing is, the guy lives in Colorado and has no connection to SDSU. And they don't know, they didn't release details on whether the camera recorded any victims or how long it had been in place, but they say this is the guy that put it there. It seems to me like maybe it wasn't taping anything because it's only a misdemeanor. Because you would think if you taped people while they were, if you taped women while they were in the bathroom, you would think that would carry a heavier penalty. Yeah, one would think. Because that's pretty nasty. Yep. And the fact that he's from Colorado, what do you make of that? Maybe he was in town trying to set up a weird website or something. Dropped his video camera. Yeah. I don't know. He's out visiting and decided that he would videotape people in Starbucks. I thought this was funny. Woods' wife Jamie said to him last night when they were watching the baseball game, she goes, Dear, do they not high-five and tell each other?

32:00On the other team, good game like they do in your league? Isn't that cute? And Woodsy said, no, hon, they do not. They do not. Yeah, because we're watching the Yankees beat the Twins, and all the Twins are kind of leaned up on the dugout. They're watching the Yanks. They all go through the line, and they high-five each other. And she goes, but why don't they say good game? Why don't they go to the Twins and say, hey, good game? And I go, babe, they don't do that. They do it in your league. I go, yeah, but. We're not professionals. And that's the thing. Like, I thought that they do that in Little League, and I would have thought that it carried all the way through life. And, you know, the more I started thinking about it, the more confused I got. Because after a football game, everybody rushes the field, and you'll see, you know. Daryl Rivas, Pat and Randy Moss on the butt. Hey, nice game, man. Nice game. Good to see you. A lot of these guys went to college together, whatever. But in baseball, they always show. They'll show the World Series ending, and they'll always pan to the loser's dugout, which is usually whoever's playing the Yankees. And they'll look out into, you know, they'll all just be sitting there watching the celebration. In hockey, after the Stanley Cup's over, they all line up. They all give each other five. And I don't know if they do in basketball.

33:14I don't know if they do. If you know, let me know because I don't watch very much basketball. Our text is 949mikey at gmail.com. Request line here is 570-1949. And by the way, the word of the day today that you're listening for is precocious. So when you hear me say that between now and 10 a.m., you get a four-pack of tickets to the Wild Animal Park. It's worth $148. We got M1 Jason from Lakeside on the line. You there, Jason? Yes, I'm here. What was your question? My question is, okay, I have two females in the same room. Oh. Oh, yeah. That a boy. Yeah, it's horrible. They nicknamed you the closer, kid. No, no, no, no. Okay. One of the girls is absolutely in love with me. I told her her and I will never meet. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Stop a minute. Already confused. I'm really confused. I'm so confused. Sounded like you said that you had two girls in the same room with you right now. That is correct. They are in the same room with you right now? Chat room or real room? Actually, I'm outside. It's a better connection on the cell phone. Okay. I'm looking at both of them right now. Through a window? Well, via sliding glass door. Are they making out or anything? Maybe I conduct the interview. Fine.

34:33Woods, I had your back. Thank you. One is passed out. The other one's actually kind of, you know, giving me the whole, oh my God, my boy is on the internet or on the phone. Okay. Okay. How old are you? How old are you? I am 26. And how old are they? One is 24. The other is 20. And when you say passed out, do you mean passed out sleeping or passed out because you were drinking? Actually, no. The one that's passed out is a security guard, so she never gets any sleep. But she's the one that was like deeply in love with me. Okay. And I don't have the same feelings for her. Okay, who's the other girl? The other girl is currently staring at me. The one I'm actually falling in love with. I don't know why, but I am. Okay, question, question. Are these girls your roommates? Actually, no, no. Neither one of them is actually my roommate. But they're actually good friends of mine. One I met at a pool hall. And the one I'm dating currently...

35:33is the one that I met at a pool hall. The other one is a friend I've been friends with for about a year. Okay. And which one is the passed out one? The security guard, the one I've been friends with for about a year. Not pool hall? No. We'll call them pool hall security guards. Yeah. And the one that's awake and staring at you, that's the one you're dating? Yes. Okay. And I do have to add is I've been listening to the Mikey show for a long time. I got kind of bummed when Mikey moved to a different station, which is this station right now. Yeah, a lot of people did. Yeah, that's why I'm moving to this station right now. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm glad that you found us, and I'm happier, and there you go. Okay, so back to your story. Okay. I wanted to know how I can tell the girl I'm not interested in, how I can tell her I'm not interested in her, because, you know, I'm obviously...

36:31Kind of fallen in love with this new girl. Are you dating that new girl or not? Oh, I am, yeah. You are? Yeah, for about three weeks. Pool Hall. The Pool Hall passed out girl. I mean, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Come on, man. Security guard has passed out. Security guard's passed out. Pool Hall is the girl he's dating. Pool Hall is staring at him right now. And security guard's falling in love with him. I made a mistake, and I'm dreadfully sorry. I apologize to everybody. I will clarify. Okay. The Pool Hall girl, it was... Pretty much a dare, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop. Please, please. The one that's the passed out one, doesn't she know you're dating that girl? Yes, she does. She still is creeping all over you? The heart wants what the heart wants, Mike. Yeah, and the funny part is she's okay with it, but she gets jealous whenever her and I are hanging out. Where are you all? Why are you all together? Yeah. Actually, it was a friend's birthday, and so we all hung out, and, you know. Got it. It's a weird story. It is. Did you make out with that girl that likes you? Oh, every day. They're going out. And did you make out, have you ever made out with the one that's the security guard? Yeah. Oh. I love this guy. When is the last time you made out with the security guard? Probably about three months ago. Oh.

37:54I was sure you were going to say last night. No, there was zero intimate relation on my part. I mean, I never really thought of her that way. Right. But she did. Yeah, you're in a very tricky situation. See, I don't think he is. Well, she likes him. Great. I'm dating somebody. Yeah. It's easy. That's easy. Happens all the time. I like you as a friend. Hey, man, I really like you too, but I have really big feelings for pool hall. I'm going to take a guess. I'm going to take a guess here. Okay, honestly, okay. Yeah, okay. This girl's out dating. She's 20. I'm 26. I normally don't go for that kind of age, but you know what? There's a huge spark. There is. Huge. It's great. It is. This is why I'm going to read in and fill in the blanks. Okay. I'll bet that the girl that's the security guard passed out that you are an emotional vampire. And you feed off of her because she likes you so much and you know it and it feels good and you love the way she loves you.

39:04and you like what it feels like, and she probably treats you like a king, and you love it, and you feast on it like an emotional vampire. And if you blow her off and go for the 20-year-old, the 20-year-old might leave, and then you've just ruined it with security guards. Well, and even more than that, I don't think she's going anywhere, the 20-year-old. I don't think she's going anywhere. I think he's very secure in that one. He just doesn't want to give up the feasting on the girl that... keeps giving him what he wants. What he wants, L.O.B., is he wants to have a giant piece of carrot cake, and he wants to eat it, too. Yeah, he does. We've all been there. We've all been there. The security guard was always paying for things, and I told her, no, don't do this. And the new girl, I've been okay with. Been there. Been there. Been there. Been there. I've been in that. And, you know, the other thing, too, is that he's actually really good friends with that girl that's passed out right now. He likes her more than he likes her. He likes her. And he knows that once he makes it clear, I'm never making out with you again. In fact, I don't. That was a mistake to make out. I'll be honest with you. And I like this new girl. That chick's going to go away and he's going to bum out. They will make out again.

40:25Drunkenly. Actually, you know what? No. Actually, I do have to say this. The new girl, her name is Sarah. Actually, the most beautiful girl I've ever met. I have not felt the same way in a very long time. I'm going to look into my crystal ball and I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. You ready? Here's what's going to happen. Either he's going to man up and tell the passed out girl that he made out with a month ago that he likes Sarah, the new girl. and she's going to split and be all mad. Or he's not, and she's still going to split and get all mad. And then that girl, the new girl, the beautiful one, she's going to break his heart. And then he's going to go back for the friendship with the passed out girl, and she'll take him. She'll take him any way she can get him. Oh, boy. Who's that? That's pool hall? That's Sarah? That's security guard. Pool hall. Yeah, your girlfriend. Sarah. Bottom line, yeah, I dated the security guard for about a year, and I ended up telling her, you know what, her and I... You dirty little dirty. Tap the brakes, pal. Holy cow. Tap the brakes. My goodness.

41:49No, no, no. I told her that her and I are not going to work out because, you know, she's too possessive. Excuse me. Can I ask you a question? What's up? You dated for a year? Uh, ish. A year-ish? You dated for a year-ish? We were more friends with benefits, I guess you could say. Yeah. So, in other words, you had intercourse with her. Yeah, he slayed for a year. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Even though, even though you said to us... At the beginning of this phone call, it was never intimate. It was never intimate. On my part, no. Right. So it was just your penis, not you. Not you. It was your wiener, but you had nothing to do with it. Men are pigs. Just cut her loose. Oh, my gosh. Hang up on this guy. Yeah, I'm hanging out. Really? Well, yeah, because it's just dorky. We're all going to get laid. He's dorky. No, he's not dorky. It's dorky. I'm saying it's dorky to me. It suddenly got very late. We're never intimate. Well, we had sex for a year. Right. Come on. I can't talk to that. He's trying to have both. Of course. Be a nice guy. Cut her loose. Of course. It's weird. Just keep them both. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Whole thing's bizarre. Oh, boy. And we've all been there. We have. I've done it. I've been an emotional vampire. Yeah, me too. We all have.

43:11L.O.B. has been an emotional vampire. I have. We all have. And we've been the one that the vampire feasts on. Goes both ways. Yeah. And we just keep letting them suck our blood until we're completely dry and we can't take it anymore. Have you ever done this? I've done this. This is humiliating to admit to you. I've even been this guy. Why don't you just let me go? If you don't love me, just cut me loose. Why don't you just let me go? Do you not have a soul? Do you not have a soul? Do you have any compassion? I can't do this anymore. Then if the person was like, okay, I let you go, you'd be like, no. Why don't you just love me? Just love me. What do you mean? Am I terrible? What's wrong with me? Why are you acting like this? Why would you do that? I take it back. Let's just hang out. Let's just, yeah. Or you're like, you know what? If you can't cut me loose, I'll get, wait, we need the music. Yeah, we need the music. I need some music for this. Let me give you the right music of how this would go down. If you can't cut me loose, then I got you loose. Everybody, talk to you again. I'm changing my number. Okay, see ya. And then two days later, you call him and you go,

44:34Can we talk? What do you want to talk about? Well, first of all, I want you to listen and I want to talk. Okay. This is just ridiculous. This is ridiculous. What is ridiculous? This relationship. See how you do that? You act like you don't even care. You want me to... Look, Daniel, what do you want? Do you want me to agree with you? Why do you act like that? What am I acting like? Like you don't even care. I care. Well, then why do you do this? Oh, because I care? This is stupid on the phone. It is. We should see each other. Wow. Wow. That's never happened to me. That's an end. Hang on. Okay. This is what I want to know once and for all. Even though she's told me like eight times. She's made it perfectly clear like eight times. This is what I want to know once and for all.

45:44Like, is there ever going to be a time where we are in a committed relationship? See? See what you do? Why does the conversation have to go there? Just come over. I'll be right over. 100%. Exactly. That never happened to me. Everybody has been there. Can you not call me? Maybe don't slide poems and letters under my door since we live in the same apartment building. Please don't do that anymore. It really creeps me out when I'm slaying my new boyfriend when a CD and a note slides under the door and I hear running down the hall real fast. Idiot. Maybe, Mike, don't leave nine messages. Yeah. In nine hours. Yes. I know I'm supposed to call you back. The scene from Swingers, I have done it. I have been that dude. I have too. Fresh off a breakup, out at a bar, meet a girl, get a number, and I'm like, yeah, I'm going to call her tonight when I get home. Yeah. How you doing? It's Steve Woods. We met a little bit earlier. I'd like to, it was really nice meeting you.

47:03wondering if you're free tomorrow. Maybe we go to the park, walk around, get an ice cream, beep, you know, do the same bit, call right back. You ever done this? You ever, have you ever been, you're so, the relationship's making you so crazy and you're sounding like a lunatic on the phone and you go, you know what? You're a lunatic. Yeah, of course. You are psycho. You are psycho. You are clinically insane. Yeah, you're telling them, meanwhile, you're as crazy as you can be. You're the psychopath. And they're like, oh my gosh. She's like, I gotta get out of here. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Don't ever call me again. Even though you didn't call me. Okay, I won't. I won't. Why wouldn't you call me? That's so rude. If you don't call me back. You're like a terrible person. You're like a person that doesn't have feelings. You're like Dexter. I'm glad. I'm glad that you said that because I will never call you again. Unless you call me. If you call me, I will call you back. But you know what? Don't.

48:06bother. Don't bother. Unless you care. Unless you care, then you bother. Unless you're ready to like... If you're ready to grow up, then you can call. If you're ready to be mature... Like me? Yeah, like me, then I'm ready to talk. Who's sitting in his underwear with a bottle of Jack Daniels? In his car, out in front of your apartment. Because I'm an adult, okay? Because I've been knocking on the door and you won't answer it because you're crazy? Because I'm standing in the pouring rain on a payphone looking into your window. Okay? That's how much I care. In my boxers. In my boxers. That's because I care. And you are in there crazy not answering the door. Yeah. Drinking tea. 570-1949. If you've been that person more than seven times. Just kidding. So yesterday... A former American Idol winner named David Archuleta was shown a photo of the new American Idol judges and mistake Steven Tyler for a woman and then tried to backpedal. Now, we put the same picture that he was shown on the screen on our Facebook fan page. So if you want to see the picture, you can go to our Facebook fan page right now. And then when we come back.

49:23I'll play you the audio of him mistaking Steven Tyler for a woman and trying to backpedal. And we'll also do some Woods on Sports and tell you who's in talks to get Steven Jackson. We'll tell you that next in Woods on Sports. What did I say? Steven. Yeah, Vince and Jackson. It's downtown La Jolla on Prospect. And Jay. Howdy ho, neighbor. On FM 94.9. Talking about husbands and wives. Men and women, husbands and wives, sound different when we go wee-wee. Yes. And me and Woods were saying how we think it just sounds so weird when the ladies do it. Weird or gross, did you say? We said gross. Yeah. Grow up. You guys grow up, Peter Pan. It's disgusting. Grow up. Really? It's true. In my house, I've had that conversation. Hey, would you mind shutting the door, please? Please? And they think that we sound weird. Yeah. So strange. They hate us. Word of the day is precocious. When you hear that word cleverly mixed into a sentence, you be caller number nine.

50:39At 570-194-9, you get a four-pack of tickets to the Wild Animal Park. It's worth $148. There are five people on the Mikey Show. It's me. I'm the host. I'm Mikey. That's Woodsy. He's our sports guy. L.O.B. is our comedian and assistant producer. Sienna's our news girl, but out on maternity leave. And Jay is our producer. We also have a phone screener named Chris. It's gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Hoyle will be doing his new song in 30 minutes. Nice. He's got a new rap original. It's called He Who Delt It. Smelt It. He who smelt it, dealt it. Can't remember your own song name, Hoyle? They rhyme. See, Blondie, how contentious you are. Yeah, you guys could never be in a band together. Oil and vinegar. Oil and water we would be. Oil and water. Yeah. Get a room already. Wow. All right, so, yeah, so David.

51:42Archuleta. He went on some TV show yesterday and was shown a picture of the new American Idol judges and mistake Steven Tyler for a woman. I've done that too. What do you think about the new judges before we talk about the rest that's going on with your life? The new judges. I'm kind of excited. I'm looking forward to seeing... This guy won American Idol? Yes, he did. What? Right now, as he's saying this, they put up a picture on the screen of the new American Idol judges. And by the way, that same photo is on our Facebook fan page right now. All I can say is, dude looked like a lady. That's right. Who's that other girl? Seriously? Are there four judges? Oh, no. That would be Stephen Tyler. No, sorry. I was looking at...

52:36No, I was looking at Jennifer Lopez. Where are you? Where are you? I didn't know she had blonde hair now. I promise I wasn't looking at Stephen Tyler. I promise. I pinky swear. I pinky swear. Yet another problem with American Idol is that a winner of American Idol has no idea who Stephen Tyler is from Aerosmith. He does look like a woman. I bet you he could pick out T-Pain or T-I. He's like 14 or something. I don't care, dude. He's a kid. It's Aerosmith. Hey. So what if he could pick out T.I.? Maybe he likes T.I. But he said, I swear I wasn't looking at Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler's a legend. Okay, but maybe you like T.I. My kid will be three and he'll be like, that's Steven Tyler. Have you seen the pictures of Steven Tyler lately? Yeah. He looks like Steven Tyler. Dude looks like a lady. Always has. Always. A little more so. If you go to our Facebook page, you can see it. You can see this picture. Him and J.Lo look like they'd be sisters. You think? Yes. Let me see. I do not think him and J-Lo look like baby sisters. That's ridiculous. Baby sisters? I said they could be sisters. Yeah, that doesn't look like a woman. Yeah, okay, maybe not so much. It could look like an older woman. That fell off a motorcycle at high speed. It didn't have to be high speed. Low speed. This is definitely the picture he was looking at, because I've seen other ones where he looks more lady-like. That's the actual photo that they put up on the screen. Oh, boy. Oh, I know.

54:03Let's do some Woods on Sports. You guys ready for some Woods on Sports? You know that. Find out what's going on. Find out who Vincent Jackson may be traded to. Woods on Sports is brought to you by our friends at Clearview Eye and Laser Medical Center. The freak was on his game last night. Who's the freak? And by the freak, I mean Tim Lincecum. Oh, yeah. The starting pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. Dude, first postseason start, two hit, complete game shutout, 14 strikeouts. They won one to nothing. Pitched all nine innings. He was filthy. I watched that whole game too. Weird. And, man, they looked really, really good. And it's tough. I'm going to root for the Giants because my boy Winder is a huge – the Giants are to him what the Yankees are to me. So I've got to root for the Giants even though they came out of the West. But I hate the Atlanta Braves too. So it's –

55:06makes it a little bit easier. I will not root for the Giants. You don't even root for the Padres. Yes, I do. That's fine. Here, let's listen to Cut One, who's Tim Linscombe talking about his win. I mean, I was just, you know, hoping to be in the situation to give my team a chance to win, you know, and working off that, you know, and everything else has kind of been, you know, that cherry on the top. So, you know, take it as it comes. It's good. That's sassy over there real good. Yeah, real good. Kids on one today. Watch out. That was good, yeah. Watch out. Watch out. Also, Andy Pettit came through last night. That guy in the postseason, he's the greatest postseason pitcher ever. His record in the postseason is 19-9, which is unbelievable. 19 wins in the postseason, man. And, you know, I get the argument, well, he's been to the playoffs more than anybody. Great. You still got to win. The guy's filthy, man. Pitched seven strong innings. The Yankees beat the Twins. They have a 2-0 lead. They're going back to New York. Uh-oh. Let's close her down, baby. Garrett is in trouble. Yeah, Garrett's in trouble. He's going to owe me a little cash. Our program director is from Minnesota. We got a side bet going on. We got a little side bet. 20 clams. There you go. Maybe coming my way if the Yanks can lock it up tomorrow. Here's manager Joe Girardi. Cut two, sorry. See him get out of jams and limit the damage. You think that's Andy because he has a way to get a double play. He gets the double play in the first inning.

56:26He has the bases loaded in the second inning with one out. Only gives up a run. One run. That's Andy Pettit. And we've seen him get big double play balls his whole career. And you feel good about it when he's doing that. Vintage last night. Just great. Great game. Also, we talked a little bit about it. Vincent Jackson is sitting around. He doesn't have a job. He didn't sign his tender. And there's also a guy in New England named Logan Mankins, who's a guard. Really good guard. And he's disgruntled as well. So the thing about making the trade, which, okay. I mean, you get something for him, you know. I think it'd probably be a pretty good move with the Patriots. Really? Yeah. Well, we got Dealman. And who's on the other side? Oh, it was Vasquez. I don't know. Vasquez was on the other side. And he's hurt, right? Yeah, so maybe that's a good move. Logan Mankins for Vincent Jackson is in the works. But. You know, they've had some trades on the table with Vincent Jackson before. Didn't really work out. So, you know, maybe this is the one that'll work. Also, Randy Moss, as you guys know, is now a Minnesota Viking. They introduced him yesterday. Here he is talking about being back with his new squad, Cut 3. You know, it kind of feels weird knowing that, you know, I was just in New England, you know, trying to make things happen and just overnight just get traded. Now, all I've been seeing is nothing but positive. So, you know, to all the Viking fans.

57:49You know, just coming to that Metro, don't pull your 84 jerseys out, man. I think this is going to be a fun ride. Do you think that they're psyched that he's back? Absolutely. Absolutely. They are, you know, they're kind of, what I've been listening to about the Vikings is, listen, when you bring back a 41-year-old quarterback and you give him all that money, what you're basically doing is saying, all right, I got two bullets. I'm going all in. And you push, this is the year. This is the year for them to win the Super Bowl. If they don't win it this year, they're going to have to retool and figure it out. But that's what they're gunning for right now. Absolutely. Well, and the thing is that there's probably a lot of people that still have those Randy Moss jerseys. They were everywhere. I was watching the Yankees-Twins game, which is in Minnesota. And tons of 84 Moss jerseys yesterday. Did he get his old number? Oh, yeah. He did? Yeah. That's cool. Pull him out, he said. And then finally, the Texas Rangers have beaten the Tampa Bay Rays twice, convincingly. They shut him out yesterday, 6-0. So I'm on a tough collision course right now with the Texas Rangers. I have a lot of Ranger friends, Ranger fan friends, and they've already been running mouth. You're kind of a Ranger fan. I grew up there. I watch all baseball. Wherever I live, I have.

59:06Crazy love. Really? You're a Yankee fan, though. But I have so many Ranger players that I have a lot of love for. And it's just going to be a really tough week for your boy next week. Yeah, it is. I need you all to support me. I will. I will support you. I will. That's what's on sports. Was it yesterday that L.O.B.? Was it L.O.B.? Who said that they once told somebody that they liked them by playing the song? Damn. Oh, yeah. I wish I was your lover. Yeah, L.O.B. Was that you, L.O.B.? That was me, yep. Same guy that I called up and played Cheap Trick, I Want You to Want Me. Oh, wow. The same guy. Same guy. He didn't know it was you, right? No, definitely not the second time when I did the, what is it, Sophie B. Hawkins? You know that. Yeah. What was it? Sophie? Yeah, we all know that song and we all know who sang it. We all enjoy it. Yeah. The thing is, too, I was in like seventh grade when I did it. Mom, that person's coming back again. Hey, L.O.B. L.O.B.

1:00:27Would you really have rocked him till the daylight comes? No! Is that what it says? Play it again. Sign it over. Sign it over. Hi, Mike. This is Lauren O'Brien. I'm going to rock you till the daylight comes, and I'm going to make sure that you're smiling and warm. I'm 12. I'm 12. I'll be right over. Damn, I wish I was your lover. Yeah. I wish I was your lover. Yeah. I don't even know what a lover was. I know it. My favorite part of that was when she goes, damn. Damn. I wish I was your lover. Oh, boy. What was it about him that... I don't know. No, really get... I want you to go into your innermost personal self right now and tell me, what was it about him at 12? What was his name? Do you remember? Yes. What's his name? I'm not going to say his last name. His first name. No, his first name was Craig. Craig? Craig. He probably doesn't even know to this day that it was me. What was it? You know, I think it was...

1:01:37Was it a jacket that he wore? Was it the way he dressed? He was really good at soccer. Yeah. He was really good at soccer. And he could raise one eyebrow. Yeah, and you liked that. He was good at soccer. Ella B, you're doing great. You're giving me info that you wouldn't normally give me. And I can see it. I can see it. This is tough for you, but you're doing it. Okay, so you liked that eyebrow raise. Yep. You liked the soccer. What number was he? Don't pretend you don't remember. I think it was like 17 or something like that. I'm not sure. Blonde, brunette. He was actually blonde. And I didn't normally go for blonde guys. And when he walked, he stuck his butt out a little bit. Not on purpose. Oh my gosh. How did you get his phone number? Back then, I think it was in the phone book. So you went, this creeper, went into the phone book. Yeah. Well, I had to call. I think I had to call a couple times because the first time his mom answered. Oh, wow. You hang up. Yeah, and I pushed star 67 so she couldn't push star 69 back on me. Right. And then how long would you have to wait? Because you're like, if I call back right away, she'll pick up again. I waited maybe like half an hour. And then heard, huh? Did you play the whole song?

1:03:10I played it until like the part where she went and then I got back on. He was like hello I'll do such things to ease your pain. Why do I know this? Meanwhile, I have like braces on and I was like hadn't hit puberty yet nothing So then now when you would see him then the next day at school. No eye contact. No, like, pretend. No, like, we were buddies. Oh, really? I was always, like, buddies with the guys because I was, like, a tomboy and, like, hadn't hit puberty, so I just looked like a guy. Did he say to you? Did he say to you, like, some psychopath is calling me? No, I kept waiting for it. Like, all day I'd be like, when's he going to drop it? And then I secretly was going to be like...

1:04:15And just see who he guessed that it was, or if he asked me if it was me. If he asked if it was me, I was going to be like, maybe. Yeah, but he never did. He never brought it up, ever. He never brought it up. Who knows what it might have been. I know. L-O-V. Good move. I defy every human being that hears the sound of my voice right now to ever hear that again. And not think of L.O.B. There's a lot of dudes out in our audience right now like, damn, I wish I was L.O.B.'s lover. I know. I wish I was L.O.B.'s lover. Watch out. If anybody has your number, somebody will be calling you and playing that for you today. I would laugh so hard. You know. And probably go on a date. And that's the thing. Like, she's all. braces and gawky and gangly and boyish. And you never know, guys. You never know what they're going to grow up into. It was right before the braces, which was even worse because I had to wear this binator. And I seriously talked. What is that? It was a retainer with rubber bands on it that would connect. That's the inspiration for Susanna because I'd always be like.

1:05:36Oh, wow. Anyway. And I stopped. One day my friend was like, you should just wear that at night and stop wearing it at school. And I was like, no, it's delicious. I have to wear it all the time. Look at her now. I know. Now my teeth are nice. They're all nice and straight and everything. Guy messed up. Well, at the time he's like, she's gangly and she looks like a boy. They all called me O'Brien. O'Brien! You know it's bad when guys call you by your last name. Hey, O'Brien! Yeah? What? Damn! Oh my gosh, that's so embarrassing. I got so hot. LLB, I've done it. I've done it. I've called, played songs. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, I wrote into the palm of Melanie Kosher. I wrote with my index finger into her palm. I wrote... I love you. How old were you? Did you spell out the word love or do a heart? I spelled it, I think. How old were you? I was a sophomore. She was a senior. So I was 15. She had a lazy eye. Gorgeous. No, no, no. Let me tell you, though. Is she looking at me? I'll be honest with you. This girl was a 10. She really was, dude. Paris Hilton has a little bit of a lazy eye. She's still a 10. I'm telling you, bro. Woodsy, I would be on...

1:07:02I'm not honest with you. Like, I'm honest with you about everything. I tell you the truth. I go, dude, she was a two. I'd be honest. She was a ten. She was beautiful. Paris Hilton has a little bit of one. It didn't happen all the time. Yeah. It didn't happen all the time. Just every once in a while. Every once in a while. And I played Peter Cetera and Amy Grant. No, Amy Grant. Peter Cetera, Amy Grant. Is that it? Is it Cher? No. No. All right. It's Peter Cetera, Amy Grant. Here we go. At her house or your house? Her house. You took the tape over. Yeah, I called 102.5 K-Don. Of course you remember that. And I requested the song 150,000 times. And they finally played it and dedicated it to Melanie from Mike. And I taped it on a cassette. Oh, you got the dedication. I've done that. I got the dedication. Wow.

1:08:05I taped it, took the tape over to her house and played it. And I, with my index finger in her palm, wrote the words, I love you. And she looked at me like she was, well, one eye. The other one you couldn't be sure what it was looking at. That is true. Looking at her sandwich on the table. She was gorgeous though. And she was, she became, my girlfriend. She did? Yeah. That worked? Yeah, I didn't get chubby until I was a senior. You still wrote I love you in your hand. I know, I was still lame. I was a thinner dork. Oh, by the way, did I mention I had a perm? Oh. Wow. Oh my god, it never stops. Did you also have a mullet? Or was it like...

1:09:15High and tight. Just one of these real good. Yeah, one of those. Did you pick it? No. You didn't? No. You never picked your fro? It wasn't a fro. It wasn't it? No, it was nice, tight, silky curls. I have this, you know, when I had hair, I have the straightest hair in the world. And my mother drove me to the mall where I went to a beauty shop. Mikey, you asked for it, didn't you? Where they put different color rollers in my hair. and sprayed chemicals onto it to make it turn into... Now, I will tell you, I didn't want a perm. Didn't you? No. I didn't want a perm. You know what I wanted? A body wave. I tried to get a body wave, too. But I'm all woman. It never... Each day working on the show... A body wave is for women. ...gets better than the day before. I find out something even more embarrassing about you. I wanted it to look... Like who? I wanted it to look like... Richard Marks? Feathered? No, it wasn't that time yet. I wanted it to be... I wanted it to be wavy and feathered. Eric Estrada? I wanted to kind of... No, because his hair wasn't really wavy. It was straight.

1:10:34Because he's Mexican like I was, and he was smart enough to know that as a Mexican, you don't take straight black hair and body wave it because that's not natural and you'll look like a dork. What about Burt Reynolds? Maybe. Maybe Burt Reynolds. Yeah, I can see that. Only, they didn't give me a body wave. They gave me a perm. They gave me a permanent. They gave me a permanent. You look like Oates from Hall & Oates. I look like Oats from Holland Oats. That picture? Yeah. I looked like Baba Booey. Lionel Richie. I look like Lionel Richie. Mike was actually a stand-in in that video when the blind brought it around. I was so upset. I remember that when they put the towel on my head and they toweled it off and then they took the towel off, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I love it so much. All I did was go into the bathroom and say to my mom, Mom! Mom! Why didn't you take me there? Mom, how come we went to the mall on the base? We went to the base! We didn't even go there. We went to the mall. That lady was humble.

1:12:16Everything was at the base. At the commissary. At the commissary. Hey mom, let's go get 40 cent steaks at the commissary. For dinner. You know those steaks, mom? That are about... two centimeters thick. They're like steakums. That was actual audio of you as a sophomore in high school. Well, at least it worked for you when you went over there and you took your gay little song and did your gay little bit. It worked. It did work. I got to get my driver's license taken with that perm. My first ever driver's license. Would probably...

1:13:32Punch a dude in the face to be able to see that driver's license. Yeah, we'll do anything. I look like a 15 year old gay Mexican That was my life because you got a perm Yeah, cuz you look like Melanie really liked me. How could she not? The only problem was is that she never made me laugh. That was my 15-year-old issue. You know how you have an issue with somebody like...

1:14:21They eat spaghetti with a spoon. It's weird. I didn't like, I had a crush on a lifeguard. And then like the way that he would stop his twirl when he twirled his whistle. So you're done. He's like, ah, out of here, weirdo. Weirdo. You guys are crazy. When you were young, though, you broke up with people for stupid reasons. Yeah, because there was somebody better away. Yeah, that's the only reason I broke up. That's why I did it, too. Oh, I was always stupid. I would hear that like Wendy Gibbons was interested. And I would be with Nancy Staley. And I'd be like. It's not really working out, kid. And then I'd make my move on Wendy for that weekend. Opportunity cost. I'm talking about, I mean, that's opportunity. I'm talking about stupidity. Like reasons that were dumb. Like how about one time you go over to their house and you have to use the bathroom and you go in there. And it smells like bad. Yeah. And you're like, that's the grossest person that ever. Mikey, I would do that now if I was dating and I walked in a girl's bathroom and it smelled. Well, if you live with their family? Yes. I'd be like, see you later. What if it was their dad that did it? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. The possibility is still there. You're farty. It's farty. And they're farty and it's fart house and it's just everything. And she's obviously comfortable enough to sit around in smelly filth. Yeah. No way.

1:15:33And I'm not ever going to date her and be around that. Every time I see her, I'm going to be like, oh, yuck. Back then that made sense. Now it doesn't. Now it still makes sense. It still makes complete sense to me at 40. Yes, me too. Wow, you guys are children. Yes, I agree. Agreed. Guilty as charged. You got me. You know what's coming up when we come back? Hoyle is going to sing his new song. It's a rap song, and it's an original. I hope he brings the noise today. Hey, you smelt it down. Right. You got it, buddy. So we'll do that next. Your head's going to roll for that, Mikey. Don't think you're going to get away from me on that one. Really, well, what are you going to do? I put you on probation. Really? Wouldn't be the first time, right? That's true. Welcome back. It's the Mikey Show. You were a bit of a handful back in the day, were you not? That's not the type of probation I was talking about. No.

1:16:52I'm sure he was on real probation. I'm sure he probably has been. I've actually never been arrested. Not probation. I meant like work probation. I've been on probation several hundred times, but not work probation. I've always been a good employee, bad citizen. I was on work probation once. You were the opposite. Yeah. Yeah. Great citizen. That's right. Terrible employee. Terrible employee? 100% sure. Oh, yeah. Terrible. Oh, thank you. Croutons brought in food. And it is delicious. I'm going to get you some info on them and tell you about them because I want to go there and get that sandwich. I'm mad that we're back in the air. Oh, it's so delish. Now I can't feast. So delish. Oh, my gosh. So good. Welcome back. This report is brought to you by the Nissan Leaf Torch. Really, Mikey? Just getting crazy out here. Hitting buttons like a crazy person. Wow.

1:17:51Oh, it ain't your fault. Mikey's going to be the one who pays for it. He's the one that we got from Rock 105. Listen, let me tell you something. I told Garrett, don't hire him. You weren't even here then. I was a consultant. Were you working for free real good? I told the program director, I said, listen, it's a station with integrity. Don't bring that boy over there. He comes from the heavy metal. That was the station. That wasn't Mike. Yeah, that's not Mike. Really? Yeah. Yes. You're telling me that boy is not heavy metal? He likes some heavy metal. He likes everything. He likes Miley Cyrus, for instance. What about all those gang tattoos? Those are not gang. Those are like Christian tattoos. They're Crip tattoos or blood tattoos or something. I don't think so. Well, you would not have the two of those tattoos together. I don't think a lot of Crips have Jesus on their arm. How do you know? Because I used to roll with some pretty heavy Crips. That's true. I forgot about that. You know that. You used to be what they call a bad boy. Yeah, I used to be. That's why I'm going to play some music that you can identify with. Oh, yeah. Can't wait. Can I step up the mic? Yeah. That's Mikey. You ready to do? Yeah, you can. You ready to do He Who Smelt the Delta? I can't wait. We about to get good up in here. Let's do this. Come on.

1:19:24You smell that? Ooh, what is that? You noticed it. You dealt it, pig. Come on, baby. I'm talking about feelin' em. And sealin' em. And whiffin' em. And dealin' em. And fartin' em. And startin' em. A gaseous consortium. Unpoisonry in monosium. I think it's de-composion. I think I need a modium. I know I can't controlium. What are you doing, Hoyle? What are you doing? Holy cow. What's wrong with it, Mike? It's ridiculous. It's weird. I like it. It's brilliant. I was in the middle of my rap, dummy. Why'd you stop me in the middle of my rap? Yeah, you shouldn't cut him off. Controlium. Controlium. I like that. That's great.

1:20:41That was musical genius, what you just stopped. I have to agree. Yeah, and you also said nosium, which is hilarious. Yeah, I have to agree that those are some really solid lyrics. Agassius Consortium? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I heard that one. I'm going to be honest. There's a 12-year-old African-American kid that lives next door to me. Help me write it. That's, yeah, okay. You take what you get. A lot of people have co-writers. I just, I just, I don't, you know, I don't want to give, his name's Todd and I just don't want to. Discredit him. Discredit him by not, because I know he's listening right now and he's going, what, you're not even going to say that I helped you write it? I believe it. Yeah. Well, Hoyle, you can't just come on and start. Being weird like that. Singing fart songs. Yeah, I mean, it's just it didn't make sense. It made sense. It did? How did it make sense? It was great. He was talking about whoever smelt it dealt it. But why would you write a song? Why would you? What's the purpose of the? And those aren't words. Nosium's not a word. No, they're not. But in a lot of rap songs, I mean, they take some liberties with the creative life. Yeah, the English language. You know, they make up their own words. I mean, whoever heard a crunk, you know, five years ago.

1:21:56Well, thank you for ruining my song. I liked it, Hoyle. And I think you should lay it down. I am going to lay it down. I'm going to put it on wax and then we'll put it on the internets. I'm in. Internet. Singular. Yeah, so people can download it. What does Mama think of that song? Why do you always do that, Woods? Why do you always have to bring up Mama? Well, because you're a 50-some-odd-year-old man. You live at home with your mom. 57. Does she like it? Does she like what? Your song. She just has not heard that. She probably just did. You're not even allowed to listen to those beats. I am allowed. Those are hardcores. Those are the hardcores. They're not as bad as, like, Boyz II Men or... Al Jarreau. Al Jarreau. Some of the harder stuff that I listen to, but they're... PM Dawn. PM Dawn. Do you think I would ever be allowed to listen to PM Dawn? I'm listing off hardcore. Criss Cross. Criss Cross. Oh, my God. Now, that should be illegal. You're right. It should be. I've never even heard one of the songs. Jump Jump. Is that the one that says crisscross will make it? That scares me. If I hear that one, I downright get scared. What about, who was it, ABC or whoever that sang, Ayesha? Ayesha. Remember that song? You are the girl. You know what was another real hardcore one? It's the new addition. Oh yeah, Bobby Brown.

1:23:19Core, man. Nasty. Nasty lyrics, man. Nasty lyrics. Mama always said no. No new addition. No new addition. What is she cool with? What are you allowed to listen to? She was usually all right with a lot of the old Roy Williams songs. Woody Guthrie. Woody Guthrie was all right. Country Joe and the Fish. Yeah. I remember I got my ears washed out with soap for listening to Waylon Jennings. Oh, yeah. Washed out with soap. Oh. Stinger. Most of the time they wash your mouth out with soap when you curse. Not when you're listening to it. Yeah, when you listen to things. When you listen to it, she washes your ears out with soap. Okay. Taught me a lesson. I didn't do it again. That's for sure. I have something special for you. How about this? This, like I said, may have been a slow news day in Albany, Georgia, where I lived for a while, by the way. You lived in Georgia? When I was a kid, yeah. Oh, boy. When I was a kid, we lived in Albany, Georgia. And this is a hard-hitting story about some guys that had a beehive near their porch. Now, you may find some humor in this. And when the story ends, so did the anchor. But she felt that it would be politically incorrect to be laughing. Oh, boy. And so she is really trying to not laugh. It's my favorite videos. The news anchor bloopers. Oh, yeah. They're so good.

1:24:44But she in her head is like, no, no, no, I can't laugh. I'm going to get fired. If I laugh, it's going to be real politically incorrect and I'll get fired. So I'm going to not laugh, which makes it all the better. Let's take a listen. Mac and his roommate, Carrie, are finally able to relax on their front porch. They went up, they sprayed. Now that they're half up on the ground, I feel a little better. And I can sit on the porch a little longer. Hundreds of pesky bees. Oh, if only the lab camera were on so you could just see the expressions in the room. They had been dealing with for months. We're finally dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're still out here. They got a lot of them down. You know, he's afraid they got a lot of them down here now. They're still jumping around. They ain't all dead. But even though the city sprayed the hive and hundreds of bees fell to the ground. We ain't got to worry about them flying around on the porch.

1:25:48On the porch? Is that what he said? Yes. I thought he said porch. They spray a lot of them down here now. They're still jumping around. They ain't all dead. But even though the city sprayed the hive and hundreds of bees fell to the ground. We got to worry about them flying around on the porch. When you see them come out here and spray them off, there's still a lot of them still up there. They still had to deal with the occasional visitor. There's got one right there. See a lot of bees coming this way, so I'll just get up and go that way. So they came up with ways of dealing with the stray bees until the tree cutters got rid of the branch with the hive. Stay in the house. Stay in the house. Stay in the house. Brave tree cutter took his chainsaw to the branch with the hive. I got some wasps for it. She has some wasps. Spray. It's a he. It's a he, isn't it? I'm... Uh-oh. Oh, boy. How long until this is auto-tuned on the YouTube? Oh, I know. Cannot wait. I got some wall spray. If it isn't already. Yeah. I got some wall spray. As Mackinmore anxiously watched from afar. There it goes. There it goes. There it goes. There it goes.

1:27:12And once the hive came down, everyone crowded around to get a closer look. What does it feel like? Oh, sticky. Sticky? Sticky. So sticky. They're feeling the honeycomb. There are so many good drops. No doubt. There's a hundred in there. Are you ready for the newscaster to comment when the story ends? I can't wait. Actually, it's a big weight off their shoulders. Well, I'm glad it's down. Now I can sit on the pool and relax. Yep, that's history now. And now they can finally return to their everyday life. And the men say they plan to put back the porch light. They were moved back this weekend since no bees should no longer be a problem. They say they plan to celebrate now that those bees are gone with the barbecue so they can enjoy their porch. Peace. Oh, my. Happy ending to that story. And they tell us the tree is almost down, too. The tree cutter will return next week to finish the job. Oh, my gosh. I guarantee there's like a clown like Woods in the audience that while that clip was playing was like egging her on. And then she had to go on the air. Absolutely.

1:28:27Yeah, as the clip was playing and you couldn't hear inside the anchor room, the person sitting next to her is going, on a pouch. On a pouch. On a pouch. And she's like, stop it. Stop it, I'm going to go on. And three, two, stop it. Don't do that. Mikey, so I'm the station manager at, what is it? K-L-B-N? W-A-L-B-N. And I'm like, hey, Mike, can you come to my office for a minute? Look, I know that you've been here a while, and you do good work. There's no doubt about it. Yes, sir. I've got a story I'm going to need you to cover today. What is it? Two black guys have a beehive on their porch. I'm going to need you to take the crew. I'm going to need it edited. We know you went to Columbia School of Journalism, but you just got to put that aside for today. I need you to nut up on this one. I don't understand. No, they have a beehive. I know, but I don't understand. Explain how dangerous the beehive is. There's bees in it. Well, there's bees in all beehives. Yes. Tell them about the branch. There's a branch, too, with a hive. You need to take Johnny. Wait, wait, wait. With all due respect, Mr. Johnson and Ms. Masterson.

1:29:43What are we going to cover? The beehive. The guys. And the guys. And the beehive. Here's the deal. There's a branch. Well, here's the problem. They can't even sit on their porch. Yeah. But what shall I ask them? How that is bad. Yeah. Well, what kind of problems they've encountered? How are they dealing with it? It's a human interest story. Won't we appear odd that we're airing a story about a... A couple of men with a beehive? I don't think so. You just laughed, sir. This is affecting people across the county. Actually, I've been doing this as a practical joke, but I'm going to need you to go ahead and go out there and cover it anyway. This is a practical joke. Yeah, it's a practical joke. Let's listen to the... Let's listen to her do it. Try to compose again. And the men say they plan to put back the porch light they removed back this weekend. No bees should no longer be a problem. Live television. Live television. Oh, man. No bees should no longer. And in your head, you're going, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. I can't laugh. I can't laugh. I can't laugh. I can't laugh. They say they plan to celebrate now that those bees are gone with the barbecue so they can enjoy their porch piece. Have you ever seen Charlie Steiner on ESPN? Yes.

1:30:58When he's talking about Mitch Bloodgreen Williams. Yes. At the break, I'll try to find the clip and see if Jay can load it. You will die. Yeah, Charlie Steiner. He is trying to hold in a laugh so bad that he's like the... On, you know, live SportsCenter broadcast. The funniest thing I've ever seen on TV. Do you want to hear the weirdest story in the world about Charlie Steiner? Please. I called ESPN one time because I didn't have a producer and I had to get my own interviews. I called ESPN and Charlie Steiner answered the phone. No way. Yeah. ESPN. And I recognized it's Charlie Steiner. And I went, I paused for a second and I said, is this Charlie Steiner? And he goes, yes, it is. No way. Oh, it was crazy. That is insane. Did you talk to him? Yeah. He came on the show. He did? Yeah, I don't even remember. Did he have any interns or anything? Yeah, I do remember. At the time, Chris, what was the guy's name, Chris? He does NASCAR. Who's the guy that does the NASCAR? Chris something. He's the main anchor for NASCAR. You guys all get points for not knowing that. Myers. Chris Myers. Chris Myers. Never mind. I wanted Chris Myers, and I was calling to talk to Chris Myers. And Charlie Steiner answered the phone. That's so funny. Put him on the air.

1:32:20And I said, what are you doing? He goes, I'm answering phones. Why? To be a clown, I guess. Just to be funny. That's brilliant. Yeah, it was awesome. That is brilliant. It was great. 5701949 is the number. Let's see. We got time, right? We got time for radio charades. Yeah. Want to do some radio charades? Let's do it. That's been a while. I'm a little rusty. That's been a while. I wasn't here when you guys played it. 570-194-9, the way that it works is I Will Be Your Eyes. And we will have 60 seconds. And Woods and L.O.B. are the charade people, and I'm your eyes. I'll describe what they're doing. And hopefully I'll get it for you. 570-194-9. Our prize is tickets to the Pepsi Max 400 with Jimmy Johnson. Holy cow. Wow. I'm not playing around. Holy cow, that's a big prize. 570. Give us a call right now, and that's what you will win. Let's see. We got M1 Steve on the line, and he is calling from Old Town. Steve, are you there? Yes, I am. Okay, I'm going to turn the mics off on the other side of the board. I'm not looking. I don't want to know. I can't hear. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Tell me when you have it. Tell me when you have it. Hello, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you have it? You got it? All right, so Woods is going to be...

1:33:46your charade guy, and I'm going to be telling you what he's doing. It's a movie. They're all movies. They're all movies. All right. We got 60 seconds to try to get this. And here we go. How many words, Woods? Three words. First word. Woods appears to be dancing. He's dancing. Okay, dancing's the first word. Third word. Dancing with the wood. Yep. Close enough. You got it. Wow. Not that wolves, just wolves. Dances with wolves. Close enough. Very well done. Very well done. Hang on a line, will you? Thanks to Dancing with the Wolves. He's been watching too much Dancing with the Stars. Fair enough. Different prize. This is to see Arcade Fire tonight at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. There you go. M1 Shredder from Oceanside. Are you there? Okay, LOB is going to be acting this out.

1:34:47Jay is going to come in and give the movie. I have to turn the mics off so I cannot hear. Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready? Yes. We're ready. Okay. She hates her selection. I don't know if this is one. I don't know if this is two or three words. I can tell by the look on her face right now. Do you want to ask me? I can tell on the look on her face right now she does not like this movie. Okay. Are you ready? Here we go. Two words. Second word. She's cutting. She's snipping. Is snipping the word? Is snipping the word? No? No, then snipping is not the word. She's editing. Editing. Palm of her hand. Back of her hand. Sunshine. Palm. Hands. Skin. Hands? Hands is the word. Cutting hands. Cutting hands. Scissors. Scissors. Scissors. Scissors and... Hands. And... Come on, dude! Gotta take a guess here, pal. Shredder. Hello? Yeah. Can you hear me? Yeah, I'm here. Oh, Edward Scissorhands. Yes! Oh, wow. Good lord! My bad.

1:36:18Were you waiting for the buzzer? Yeah, you can't be smoking jerks this early in the morning, my friend. You got to jump in there. You got to jump in there, dude. Yeah, but you got it. It was Edward Scissorhands. I don't know how to do Edward. No, but Scissorhands, that's good. That's right. Now, do we have another one, or are we good? We do, but it's time to break now. Okay. When we come back, I have the 10 things that you should never say to a woman. Now, Woods found this, and when he first said it to me, I go, I don't know. I go, because it sounds like it's going to be a boring list of a bunch of stuff that I already know. And then he read me a couple of them, and I go, nah, that's pretty good. Let's do it. So we'll do it next. Slacking on your pimping, turn it off See the money in the day Flex the road, sign a check for your hoe Jigga style is love, X and O Save all your accolades, just the dough My game is wide, all names aside Trying to stay alive, $100 for the bracelet Foolish ain't out of chain to strain your eye Twin platinum gun, son, aim for the sky Ice on my bullet, Jadasu Ice on my bullet, Jadasu Ice on my bullet, Jadasu I like that hat, Woodsy

1:38:20This hat, I got to put it on backwards. Newsbar, newsbar. You look like a precocious little newsboy selling newspapers. How about that food? Oh, man. It's so good. It's so good. They've got a website now where you get croutonstogo.com. Oh, man, dude. It's so good. They opened their first location in Carlsbad back in 03, and they are so good. Now they've got four locations. La Jolla Village Square, Sereno Valley, UCSD Campus, and Carlsbad. It's three guys from here. You know what I forgot to get? What? A brownie. Oh, I just had one. Do you want one? I'm good. They've got the bacon brownies. Sugar. And then the other brownies that I've had two of each. Can I get one? Oh, wow. They make paninis. They make sandwiches. So good. Delicious salads. Fresh. Real fresh, real sweet.

1:39:22It's got bacon in it. You guys like that food? Yeah. Good stuff. Thank you, Croutons. So good. I love you so much. I love you so much. Found out yesterday about my shots. I got to go get a bunch of shots. You do? Yeah. Before you go to Haiti. While you're at the bar, will you get me? You don't like shots? I do not like shots. Nope. And I got to get them. I got to get a typhoid shot. I got to get a malaria shot. Hello fever? Uh-huh. I got to take pills. I have to take antibiotics because I'm going to Haiti. Did they tell you you waited a little long? No, I said I'm fine. That's why we were doing it yesterday. I'm leaving. We'll be off a Friday and a Monday when I go to Haiti. It's really...

1:40:23Cool thing. I'm going with an organization called Outside the Bowl. And what they do is they build these kitchens that feed a million meals a year. Awesome. That's amazing. And these kids are starving. The people of Haiti are starving. Yeah. Good for you, man. And they eat something called mud cakes. And it is what it says. They eat those. They eat them just to fill their stomachs. We don't know what it's like to not eat for a couple of days. Are they sending you over to test the output of this kitchen? They're sending me over to test the output. They're sending me and my brother, who is a videographer, and we're going to document, A, what these kitchens are capable of doing. I can't wait to see it. Me too. Yeah, so that people can see. You know, if I give a little bit to this, this is what happens. Now, I have kids. And so when I saw just what I saw, little kids with they had the bottoms of two liter bottles of Pepsi and they cut the Pepsi things in half and they would bring those little empty containers to the place where they were serving this food and they would fill.

1:41:47those bottoms of those two liter bottles up with soup. And sometimes they would get anything they could grab, ashtrays, and they would put the soup in the ashtray. They would get anything that could be formed into a bowl and they would bring it and outside the bowl would give them this food, which is they just don't have it there. Now, there's a band called Cutlass. You've probably heard me play them before. I want you to hear what they sound like. And they're going to be coming in the studio and playing in the studio. Today? No, not today. I was all panicked. This is what they sound like. I'll give you a couple. One of my favorite bands. Great band name, by the way. Cutlass? Great band name. Oh, is it? They're a great band, man.

1:43:16Really great band. They're going to do a concert. And the money from this concert is going to Outside the Bowl, which will pay for things like generators, food, and I'll feed these kids. And the concert is going to be on Friday, November the 12th. And this is what I want to ask. And I'm going to be there. I'm going to be one of the people that's there and sort of emceeing it and meeting you and saying hi. And there's also another band playing. called Love Light. They're an incredible band too. But the proceeds, like I said, are going to this. The two things that you'll hear me talk about for the rest of my career will be Rady Children's Hospital and their ADI, their Autism Discovery Institute. My son Jake is autistic. And you'll also hear me talk about Outside the Bowl. And the bottom line with it is that A lot of people will come to me with various things that they would like me to promote. And what I learned is that I have to do the things that have my name on it. And I can't tell you other than when I saw what was happening in Haiti. It touched me on a really, really, really emotional level. A guttural level. That made me cry.

1:44:42seeing that these kids are starving. And I want to help. And so the way that we do it is, first of all, go see a great concert, knowing that the money's going to go to that. You can get the tickets at OutsideTheBowl.org. It's OutsideTheBowl.org. And group discounts are available. So if you're going to bring a whole group, you could do it that way. But that's going to be on a limited basis. So, you know, the best time to do it is now. I'd like to go to that too, man. Oh, dude, I would love it. That'd be fun. I would love it. Okay. Top ten. We got a ten. Yeah. Top ten list. These are things, fellas. Pay attention here. Ten things that you should not say to a woman. Write these down, boys. Yeah. Write them down. Is this written by a man or a woman? I don't know. I love that. You will have to find out and see. I bet I know. I bet it was written by a guy that got help from a woman. Yeah. Do not say anything bad about her guy friends, it says. Don't do that. True story. True story. What does that mean? What does true story mean? Yes. What does this mean, true story? It means like, hey, he's speaking the truth. I agree with that.

1:46:13No, I meant... Really? No, I meant... Are you serious right now? Are you serious right now? I thought that's what you wanted to know. No. What does it mean when they say, don't say anything bad about her guy friends? Easy. LLB and I are dating. We've just started dating. And we inevitably will get to that point where she's like, I want you to meet my guy friends. And we go back to my place after. I'm like, your buddy, Jay... is a D. That guy is a clown. He's a tool. And she's like, that's my buddy. And it also leads them to believe that you are probably a little bit of a psychopath. A little jealous. Insecure. I would say don't talk badly about any of her friends because she chose them. Wait until you're married to do that. Or if she throws it out there, then maybe, okay, now I've got carte blanche to... to kind of add on but it does in addition to judging your friends that you chose it now shows like a jealousy as well yes especially if they're the opposite sex I'm down with that yeah me too I think guys that's you know number one or number ten actually number nine says number nine on the things that you shouldn't say to a woman that you're dating I'll call you Friday hi what does it say

1:47:41Ending a phone conversation with the next step is a good technique if you're trying to sell somebody something. But not when you're talking to a woman. First of all, you're killing any spontaneity by being predictable. Yep. Second, you're also killing any chances of her calling you. Yep. As she has to now wait for your call or risk looking desperate. Not good. Yep. Hmm. Okay, so what do you say? I kind of agree with that, right. Talk to you later? I guess it depends on how early on you are. Because... Yeah, I think talk to you later. I'll talk to you soon. Yeah, I'll talk to you soon. What if I see a Wednesday and I'm hanging out and I go, okay, I'll give you a call. I'll give you a call like Friday. And then it's like, oh, I guess that means if I've got anything to say to you tomorrow, I shouldn't call because you're just going to call me on Friday. I think that that's attractive because the guy's kind of aloof and he's kind of like, you know, you're like, oh, I can't call him. No, I think saying talk to you later.

1:48:40If I don't talk to you, then I'll see you on Friday. Yeah. Then that might put out like a, she's like, oh, I'm kind of excited. And then you know if she's thinking about you, if she calls you before Friday comes. I deplore number eight. What is it? Oh, boy. Don't do or say anything that hints at a future. I agree. That's so stupid. No, it's not. Guys, what if I like you? Then you hold it to yourself something that you and I never did when we were dating because we are clowns. I don't think we were clowns. We were clowns. I think we were genuine and authentic. I think that I wanted to sleep with them, which is why I would do stuff like that. I didn't. I was happy to be with a girl. Oh, fair enough. I agree with this to a point because in the beginning, if a guy says like, okay, you're having your first or second date and you're talking and he's like, yeah, and then, you know, like last... Last year I went to Vail, and oh my gosh, you like skiing? I love skiing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should go sometime. It's creepy. Then the girl's like, okay, then he means, obviously, we're going to be dating, because it's only June, so we're going to be dating when it's time to go to Vail. And she's already skipped ahead, because he said the future. Okay. When he was just kind of throwing it out there as a common interest. Well, listen to the example that they give, that they say, stop, stop, stop, don't do this. I think this is lame, the example they give. It's similar to what you're saying, but...

1:50:00It says, often when guys are hanging out with a woman for the first time and she mentions something like she likes to do, a guy will use that as an opportunity to hint at a future date. For example, she might say she loves Thai food and you go, wow, so do I. We should go get Thai food sometime. It says stop, stop, stop. So lame. That is not lame. That is so lame. That's so lame. Oh, I just crawled out. I think he's guaranteeing a second game. Can we try? What else do you like? Can we try? What else do you like? Can we try? What else do you like? You like walking? We should go walking sometime. If you do it like that, if you do it like that, yeah, it's creepy. So creepy. Can we try it? Sure. So what kind of foods do you not like? Oh, let's see. There's not a whole lot of food I don't like. What kind of foods do you really like? I really like Italian food. I really like... Soul food? Who is that? Oh, it's my creepy uncle, Jay. Sometimes he just pops up. Is he on your speakerphone? I don't know where that comes from. He sounded like a pervert. He is, he is. But he's my uncle. He's family. What can you do? Okay. Back to me. Yeah. I like Thai food.

1:51:06You know what is so cool? What's that? I don't know. Most people don't like Thai food. I love it. You can find that? Oh, yeah. I love spicy food. So, like, yeah. Like spicy. I think Mexican. Real hot. Yeah. I love. To me, it's just called food. Yeah. Comida. That's right. Comida. She's racist. No, but you like Thai? I love it. I love Thai. I know a great Thai place downtown. Oh, yeah? It's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, we should try it. You will love this place. If you like Thai. Ooh, I did get a little. I know, because I got jacked up right before I did it. You can't do it. I got jacked up. I got jacked up. You jacked me up. I didn't do it. So did her uncle. So did her uncle. You being a giant is creepy. You being a desperate creep. I could do it again. I could do it again. I could do it again. You got fixated on the Thai food. I did, and it got weird. It didn't get thrown in there. It was like, wait, so let me ask you way more about Typho than I need to. I know, I know, I know. I did it wrong. That is creepy. But I did it wrong because Woods almost interjected. I didn't say a word. I know, but you went, and then you stopped yourself. No, I was vomiting because you're a desperate creep.

1:52:17When you please go on a date with me, what I'm going to do is I'm going to tailor what I like to what you like. And then we'll be able to hang out again. I know that. I like Thai. She said she liked Italian. I like Italian, too. But Thai is different. Wow, it's really different. You know what would be a better move? Listen. Put that in the bank. And then the next time you're going to hang out, you'll be like, I remember that you said you like Thai food. Yes. So there's this place downtown. I'd be like, I don't know. He listens. He listens. That's the move. I like it. That's the move. M1 Yolanda from San Diego. You there? Yes, I'm here. What was the word of the day? Precocious. You are correct. Thank you. You won a four-pack of tickets to the Wild Animal Park worth $148. Congratulations. Thank you. Hang on the line, please. Number seven. These are things that you should never say to a girl. Yes. How many guys have you slept with? Yeah. Never. Never. Don't say it to a guy. Don't say it to a girl. Yeah. And first of all, I don't want to know. And if I ask, you're going to lie anyway. Nobody wants to know. Ignorance is bliss. Even a person that asks doesn't really want to know. Did you hear all the females in this room giggle when I said you're going to lie anyway? Every female in this room went. Never want to know. I've been married. Don't want to know. Married three years, November.

1:53:31No idea. And never will. You take it to the grave. Well, let me tell you what it sounds like anyway. How many guys have you slept with? Oh my gosh, do you really want to know? I actually do. Three. Slut! Three. Always three. Always two or three. It's like when a cop blows you over and asks you how many beers you had. Yeah, three. Two beers. A couple beers. Yeah, the answer's usually going to be two. How many guys? Two. Slut. You don't mean that. In our minds. No. No, I would not think that. I actually would. If I had asked a girl how many girls or how many guys would be slept with, she said two, I'd be like, oh, you know. Throw a parade. Yeah. I would have thought back in the day, I would have gone, oh, wow, you know, that girl, you know. Something's wrong with her. I was to take that number and divide it by. No, multiply. Multiply. Multiply a woman's, divide a man's. Yeah. Wow. Allegedly. True story.

1:54:34My advice is wait till you get married. Anyway. Anyway. Number six. This number six, I can't even believe that they have to write this down. I left you a message the other day, but I didn't hear back. What happened? You know what that's code for? I'm a psychopath. I'm crazy. Yeah. I want to wear your skin. I want to slice you open and wear your skin around, do the tuck, and do the dance in my basement. Wow. I want to sleep in you like you're a tauntaun. I want to cut you open and sleep inside you like Luke did in Empire. Like you're a tauntaun. Is there anything more desperate than that from a man's mouth? A woman could probably get away with it. A man saying, I left you a message and didn't hear back. What's up? Oh, I'm sorry. Number five.

1:55:32I am as cheesy as it gets, and I've made as many mistakes as you can imagine. This one I've never said. I thought that was what you don't say. I was like, wow, that is a lot for a man to say. No, no, no, no. I've never said this. Do you like me? Check. No way, Woods. No way, no way, no way, no way, no way. Like eighth, ninth grade. Do you like me? Check, yes or no. Yeah, I wrote that in a note. Because I really like you. I think I must not have said, do you like me? Because I didn't have the... I didn't have the resolve to handle what the answer would be. Never, ever, ever say that. Yeah, don't say that. Have you ever said that to a guy, L.O.B.? No. Have you ever said this, L.O.B.? Have you ever said to a guy, this is what skeeves every guy out. There's nothing worse that I hated than this. I think I could guess. Guess. So, what are we? No. That's right up there. Oh, my God. But this is worse. This I hated. More than anything. What are you thinking right now? Thinking what? You've said that, L.O.B.? Yeah. I'm thinking how I can get your clothes off. That's what I'm, if you really want to know. I haven't said it in like a day's like hands in my, or head in my hands kind of like, what are you thinking? I've been like, I've said it in a way like I said something that may or may not have been like mean or sarcastic or whatever.

1:56:59And there's no response. I'm like, oh gosh, what are you thinking? That's different. That's different. That's way different. Are you lying to me, L.O.B.? I don't think so. Have you ever said it? I don't think I've ever gazed. Under this context. Okay. Have you ever said it because you thought maybe he was thinking something about you guys? No. That's what kills, like, that grosses a guy out more than anything in the world. I say it usually, or if I see a look of concern or something, I'm like, what are you thinking? And it always sounds like this. What are you thinking? Thinking about my ex-girlfriend. Oh, boy. Oh, I hate that. Yeah, I don't like it. Number four, what do you want to do tonight? What's wrong with that? Girls want a guy to decide. Yeah. Take charge. They don't want, no, okay, whatever you want to do. They want somebody to say, hey, listen, this is what we're doing. And you can say that you don't, but you like a man that makes plans. And you wait until you get married to say that, and then you say it every time you go out to dinner. Yes. Where do you want to eat? I don't know. Where do you want to eat? I don't care. Well, why don't you tell me something? You tell me because every time I pick something, you don't even like it. Well, just pick something and I'll see. You pick it. I'm done. I'm done. Pick something. I'll make a sandwich. Say anything. I'm going to make a sandwich. Okay. Do you want Italian? No. Do you want Mexican food? What do you want? I don't know. That's why I'm asking. What do you want to eat? I don't care. I just said. I've had this conversation with my wife. Every time you go out. Every time you go out to dinner.

1:58:27I think that someone should say, a guy should say, like, so here's what I was thinking we could do tonight, and they should have it all planned out. Absolutely. Don't say with definitively, this is what we're doing. Yeah. I bet. I say, men, say with definitively. Hey, listen, I'm picking you up at 7. We've got dinner reservations at blah, blah, blah. Delicious. And then we're going to... Oh, well, I have a hair appointment until 6.30. All right, I'll change the reservation at 7.30. Okay. Just be ready, all right? Be on time. Now you're getting aggro with me. I just ADD'd on a thought, but I don't want to forget it. Want me to write it down? Yeah. Maybe you write it down. It's your thought. You want me to write it down? Do you want to say it? Yeah, I'll say it. Okay, say it. And then you can write it. I'm going to write it. I'm your scribe. Have you ever planned a date that you thought was going to be so cool and it turned out to be the lamest? or dumbest date looking back. Yes. I'll give you an example and then we'll get, let's save it. Let me try to stay on track for once in my life. Please. No way. Please to try to stay focused. Why do I take Adderall? I don't know. It's clearly not working. Fair enough. I can't imagine what it would be like if you didn't. Oh, I used to not and be on the air. Maybe you double up on it. Yeah, double up to make up, dude. It used to be

1:59:57Complete, complete disarray. Chaos. Chaos. Number three. This is something that you should never say to a woman. Anything about your car, job, or house that sounds like you're trying to impress her. Agreed, agreed, agreed. I don't do that. Nope. And you know why I don't do it? I don't do it because I know or I feel that she'll sniff it out. And then I will feel like such a douche. Chances I would do that if I were single. You wouldn't, Woods. It's not attractive. Would you, Woods? You would. Uh-oh. It's much more attractive for it to come up. Like, a guy that's modest, and he's actually... Do it with LLB. Do it with LLB. You're on a date. Okay. You're single, Woods. Well, alright, so ask me what I do. No, no, no, no, no. Because it says, don't bring it up, you know, your car, your job, your house.

2:00:49You got a nice house. You got a nice car. How I would do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want him to bring it up or not bring it up? Because he's saying he would do it. He's saying if he was single, he might do it. So this is a nice restaurant. Yeah, it's a good place. Yeah. I like this place a lot. Can I get anything I want? Yeah, whatever you want. It's on me. Okay. Feast. This night's about you. This night's about you. Thanks. So what do you do for a living? I never asked you. Oh, well, right now I'm waiting tables because I'm going to school too. That's cool. What are you studying? Communication. Nice. You know, I'm actually in radio. Really? Yeah, communication's kind of similar. I'm on the Mikey Show, 94.9. Yeah, Woods, Woods on Sports. You know who I am. You're what? Chances I would use that for my benefit. Was that bad to do? Yes, I'm a giant D. Well, if you said it like that, but is it bad to tell her what you do? You have to say what you do. At some point, you're going to have to say it, but... I've heard Woods say it on the plane to the people. Hey, I'm on the radio back in San Diego. You may have heard of me. I'm Woods. You're lying. I'm not lying. Who did I say it to? Some old lady that you're sitting next to. I did. We laughed our asses off of you. Oh, she asked me what I did for a living. I don't think. She just sat down. Hey, I don't know if you heard what I do. Oh, that's BS. I'll never do that. That I would not do. Just at a radio conference. He didn't say, I'm Woods from Woods on Sports. No. He was like, oh, actually, I work on the radio. She asked me what I did. What do you do for a living? I said, I'm on the radio. What am I supposed to say?

2:02:19What are you supposed to do? I'm a gardener. I'm an accountant. Oh, you're a clown. I'm an old pervert is what I am. It sounded unsolicited from where we were sitting. Well, maybe you guys sit with your friend. How about that? On a flight. Maybe we all sit together. We tried to save you a seat and you went behind us. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Maybe somebody just spun somebody out. Eject, eject, eject, eject. Uh-oh. Number two, do not say this to a woman. Or what? Same thing. Is it? Can I take you on a date sometime? It's lame. Oh, I've said two. I have two. Oh, wow. That's so lame. All right, so let's just get to the number one. Can you guess? I know it. You already read it. And I've done it. And I've done it. And somebody has done it to L.O.B. Uh-huh. Someone? Yes. Someone that I know? Yes. Never say to a woman, can I kiss you? Oh, my God. It's the worst. That's the worst thing you can say. Never. Never ever say it. Never say it. You know what, all you judgmental women? Never! You know what? You don't have to be the ones that... Never. You know what's worse than that? Is being the guy that's like, you've had a little liquid courage in you and you're like, dude, this is going well. This is going real well. And you just, you lean over and you go... And they back up and you're like, oh my god! Oh my god!

2:03:48I'm a rapist. I'm a rapist. I'm a rapist. I'm a rapist. I'm so sorry. She pulls a whistle out of it from under her shirt. Nace in your face. And they lean back. They're like, oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I was feeling something. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Well, a girl that's sly will turn it into a hug. Oh, my gosh. God, women. Spare people's feelings. A little bit. I have gone like four dates with a girl without kissing her. I'm a pretty bold guy, but I couldn't, in some of these cases, make the first move. I have a cure, though. I have a cure. What? Just get him really drunk. That's the only way that works. I'm telling you. We talked about this. Okay, okay, okay. Try the hand on the back. The little subtleties and see how she responds. The Bark Mowman way of seduction. Yeah. Almost got L-O-B. He did. He did. Well, we were talking about this the other day. I said this and I thought that when I said it, everybody was going to think that it was completely weird. And then L.O.B. goes, yeah. What is it? Going in for a kiss and kissing somebody no matter what, beginning to make out is gross. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's gross. Like, if you're sitting on the couch or you're sitting in a chair, you know, a big chair and the two of you are sitting on it, or even if you're in the car, like.

2:05:17It's so dorky and awkward. It doesn't matter what. Noses get in the way. Yes. Oh, sorry. And just like the whole dance that you do. You feel like a pelican. Yeah. You feel awkward. You feel weird. It's just, it's so, it's gross. Your heart pounds. I love that part. Sorry. Oh, gosh. Oh, oh, it snaps in the front. Hypothetically. Hypothetically. LLB. LLB's like, I'm on Depo-Provera. I just really wanted to kiss, but... Yeah, he's like, I was going to kiss you. Okay. Take your pants off. Take your pants off. Whoa, your pants are already off. Weird. Score. Let's do the topic jar. You guys want to reach in that topic jar? All the way in. We'll do that when we come back.

2:06:24Guilty pleasure, Woods? Yeah, don't smirk at me, pal. I didn't smirk. Yes, you did. I just smirked. Yes, you did. Smirker. You know, in a way, knowing that you picked this song, three words come out of my mind. Woods is gay? No. No. How dare you? How dare I what? How dare you ever make fun of my gay music? Miley Cyrus? Yeah. It's different. Not the same. It's way different. What was that? Goo Goo Dolls? I mean, maybe it's worse, but... Still, I mean, you're rocking out to the Goo Goo Dolls. So are you, clown. Well, I know, but I don't say to people, how can you listen to that plebeian? They at least play their instruments and write their own songs. It's melody. That is true. But I just like the way the song sounds. Plebeian. Mill worker. Better churning idiot. Sausage maker. Cobbler.

2:07:46Death Cab for cutie not knower. I bet you don't even have the new Arcade Fire record, do you, idiot? I don't. Of course you don't. You should. Not surprised. Because you're a moron. Tell me what you know about Tom Waits, idiot. Tell me what you like about Tom Waits while you're eating a corn dog. That you probably got at the fair. Because, of course, you would be at the fair eating funnel cake. Watching Kid Rock or something. Right. Isn't that right? Don't you like lime and mayonnaise? Idiot. Rollercoaster riding. Moose milker. What? Moose milker? Yes. Tonight's 8 o'clock album? Eagles of death metal. It's great. Great group. They are good. Peace, Love, Death Metal is the name of the album. Do you like them, LLBC? Yeah. Oh, they are good. How do you know them? They came to the belly up a couple times. They jam. They're hilarious, too. Of course. They're hysterical dudes. Yeah, they are hilarious. They got a great sense of humor. I want to be cool, man. Can't I try? No.

2:09:08Plebeian. Cobblestone lair. Artisan worker. Acting like you know EDM. All right, topic jar. What book do you wish you'd written? L.O.B.? I don't know, maybe a Dr. Seuss book? What book do you wish you'd written? Romans, Ephesians, Galatians, Proverbs, Psalms? Wouldn't have mind riding Titus. Yeah. Mine would have been On the Road. Oh, yeah. By McDermott? No. Oh, The Road. Mine's On the Road. On the Road. Jack Kerouac. By Jack Kerouac. Yeah, of course. What about, now I know what I would have done. What? Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends. That's a good one. Good one. Jay? Winter Dance. Gary Paulson rode it, and it's his first experience doing the Iditarod. I thought yours would be Hustler.

2:10:13That was the next one. The biography of Larry Flint. Woods, what would you rather have? What would you rather have? More friends or be closer to those that you have? Closer to those that I have. L-O-B? For sure, closer to those that I have. J? Closer. Closer to those that I have. Yeah, that's a no-brainer for me. I think a lot of people would probably answer that that way. And the last one. L-O-B, if a person... were opposite from you in every way, where would they live and what would they be like? Right next to her on the Mikey Show. Oh, wow. If a person were opposite from you in every way, where would they live and what would they be like? They would live in the suburbs, probably of the Midwest. They'd like to watch a lot of TV, eat red meat. And corn dogs. Work at, like, I don't know, like a paper milling plant. Paper miller. But work in the accounting department and not ever really talk to anybody. Woods. East Coast. They would be not funny, boring, and lame. And not dynamic.

2:11:42Pretty proud of yourself. Jay? Texas, they'd still live back in... I left the other me back in Texas, doing everything the opposite of what I do here. So that's what they'd be? Yeah, just sitting there in Texas, in a small old town. Nike? If a person were opposite from me in every way, they would be a lesbian living in a loft in New York City, wearing black horn-rimmed glasses. On a Mac. But that's not opposite of me. No, on a Dell. On a Dell. Our sales girl? No, not our sales girl. You said she was a lesbian. A Dell computer. Hating everything about Republicans and... She'd be vegetarian? She'd be vegetarian and she'd be preparing to protest something. That would be the opposite.

2:12:43of me in every way and where they would live and what they would be like. Making signs of poster paint. Yes. Just really into like activism. Yes. Writing letters. To a congressman. To a congressman. Or a congresswoman. Is there anything out there that could ever get you out of your house to go protest? No. Me neither. Nothing? Nothing. No. I would. Never. No. What about write a letter? Maybe. Maybe a letter? I'd have to be really, you know, I'd have to be really into it. But I don't like protesting because I don't think that it does. It's your right to do it. It just doesn't work. It's your right to do it. Have a ball. It's more about you than it is your cause. You just want to be out there. I think it worked at some point. It doesn't work. Give an example of when it's ever worked. When it gets to the Vietnam War. Didn't work. Didn't we get pulled out? Yeah, like four years later. We pulled out of there because we were getting our arses kicked. By the North Vietnamese. I think it was a combination of things. Do you think it was the hippies on the White House lawn with the signs? It was. I think it was a combination of everything. The Americans hating it and the fact that we were getting our butts kicked. Well, the Americans did hate it and we were getting our butts kicked because we didn't have a perfectly good reason to be there. Right. And we weren't winning the war the way that we should have. The way that we should have won the war is the way that we have won other wars. By inflicting great...

2:14:11casualties and we didn't do that in vietnam well we did but we didn't do it on a large scale and the way that they used to fight in that war is they used to say is it okay to fire on these guys and then that person would ask somebody else and that person would ask somebody else and then the answer would come back and be no but by the time the answer came back no the person that was asking for permission was dead yeah that's the way the vietnam war was fought um you know just a terrible terrible situation protesters come on 570. Let's go plant a tree or something. 194.9. Me and Woods are the same in that regard. Look at Lauren biting her tongue. She's not that gal. Would you protest? Probably not. I would write a letter. I would lobby. I would plant a tree. I would sit in a lobby too. I could sit in a lobby. I would lobby. But I would feel like my energy could go somewhere else. So let's do this topic that I had. Okay. You ready for it or did you remember it? Ever been so excited about... Ever been so excited? Like you plan a date and you've been so excited about it because you think it's going to impress this person so much. You think you are the coolest. And now you look back on it and you're like, I'm humiliated that I did that. 570-1949 if that's you. And you can also call and...

2:15:40comment on any of the stuff that we just said. You can talk about any of the stuff that we said. 5701949. Woodsy, you ever done that? You know, I haven't done something, it ended badly, but there was a girl in college and I really liked her and took her out to a nice dinner and then took her, I got box seats for Chris Isaac, who I really liked, and we sat in like the, it was like Pretty Woman. Have you ever seen that movie? I have no penis today, but it was a pretty woman. We were in the private box, and we were right there, and she broke up with me after the concert. But that's not a weird date. I know. As you look back, you're like, wow, that's dorky. It was dorky in the fact that I probably took the wrong girl on a date if she was going to break it off with me. You thought that you were going to be like, this is going to be a pivotal moment. Yeah, pivotal. And it was not. And we'll always remember this. She was sitting there listening to Wicked Game going, how do I break up with this clown? Oh, wow. Oh, gosh. That's pretty bad. Yeah. I haven't planned anything that was like, not that I can recall. Can I tell you one that my wife did? Yeah, I think I know which one it is. For you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is great. Michael Asparo. She would admit it. She would have no problem admitting it. Wouldn't she? No, she wouldn't.

2:17:00Now, knowing me, Rebecca thought that it would be a good idea for her and I to go to Balboa Park and sit on the grass. This was not that long ago. It was. It was like 11 years ago. Oh, what? Oh, yeah. Oh, this was maybe longer. It was about 11 years ago. Go to Balboa Park, sit on the grass with a blanket, open up a basket, and break out wine and wine glasses. white wine and wine glasses, grapes, cheese, and little finger sandwiches. Sounds lovely. I want everyone here to get the visual of this, okay? Because you know how I'm built. Oh, stop it. Is he sitting Indian style? He cannot get comfortable. Just fiddling. Oh, where do you put your legs?

2:18:07She's trying to halfway lay down. Just changing positions, seeing what works. Oh, no, that's not going to work. Cheers. Cheers on the ground. Maybe the most uncomfortable I'd ever been in my home. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure. With a little glass of wine in my hand. Oh. It probably didn't play out. Like she thought. No. So she was humiliated or you were? I bet looking back on that now, she has to go, why did I take him? Of all people. Of all people to drink wine at Balboa Park on a blanket. I mean, for some people that works. That does work. Yes. Not this particular chunky monkey. People that listen to K-Wave jazz and stuff. Yeah.

2:19:14Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great for them. A hundred. People that sail. Yeah. They have their own sailboat. Right. Right. People that wear hush puppies. A hundred percent. A sweater around the neck. Top siders. Top siders. For sure. For sure. Let's see. See, I did something, but I didn't go somewhere that I'm humiliated now that I did. Especially since it's a physical thing that's out there somewhere. Say that again. Oh, there's a video. No, it's not a video. It's an MP3. I decided for one of my boyfriends that I was going to for Christmas, record myself singing Santa Baby. Thank you, Lord, to this day. You are wonderful, God. You are so wise and wonderful for giving us L.O.B. and her unending pot of gold. I went into... Say it again. I want to enjoy it again. I decided for Christmas, I was going to record... I've never said this to anyone except the person that received the gift. I was going to record myself singing Santa Baby. Like the seductive... Can we find it? No. Can we find it? No, no, no, no, no. You can't find it anywhere. It was only sent to him. Do you have his name and number? No, I don't. Don't you?

2:20:34But I went into the bathroom to record it because I was like, the acoustics are better in here. And I kept getting terrified that my roommates were going to come home while I was doing it. What did you record it on? Garage band. What? Garage band. Did you have a microphone? Did you have a mic? He was already my boyfriend. For a microphone, I plugged my headphones into the microphone output and then sang into the headphones. How old were you? 27. Two years ago. 26, maybe? I don't know. It was the even slower, more seductive version. Speechless. Is that Snooki? That's Madonna. How did you give it to him? Over email. You emailed it. What was the subject? Do not share this with anyone with three exclamation points. Did you write anything in the body of the email or just put the file? It's like, hey babe, I was just thinking about you.

2:22:06I thought I would record a little ditty. I forget sometimes. Look at Woods. I forget, you know. I'm not just telling my friends this. Like, I'm on the air putting this out there. I don't know what it is about this room. Just to make sense. You're crazy. You're crazy. This is the Miss Piggy. Probably sounded a lot like that. Trying to find the seductive version. Now, was that all he got for Christmas? No. Okay. Yep, this is it. Santa baby, a 54 convertible to light blue. It's the only one on iTunes that costs 69 cents. Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight. Here was her boyfriend listening to it. Jaw dropped open. Did he call you right away and go, hey babe, I just got Santa baby. Here's the thing.

2:23:19I sent it to him and like hours went by and I was like, what the heck? I was like. What a D. No, I was like, oh my gosh. He's totally sharing it with like his entire extended family right now. And I was like freaking out. So I called him and I was like, did you get my email? No, no, no. I haven't been in front. No, sorry. What? Yeah. And then I made him listen. And I go, oh my gosh, I'm hanging up while you listen to it. So I hung up the phone and I let him listen to it. And then he called me back. Was he dying laughing? No, he thought it was sweet. With everything. Here, I'll get on my knees. If not, let's recreate it. Listen to me. I'm begging. I'm begging you to give us a few bars. Please. Please. Come on, Lord, baby. Please. Just give us a tiny bit. What if everyone in the studio... Here's the thing. It's still... Because I record, sometimes I'll record my jokes and then I play them back in iTunes because I want to hear what they sound like. And so sometimes my playlist will come up and it's all like Lauren O'Brien as artists. And sometimes Santa Baby will like come up in the shuffle and I hear it and I'm like, ah!

2:24:40So you still have it? She has it. Oh, it's on my iTunes. Not on this computer, on my Mac. We'll be airing that Monday at 7.30 on The Mikey Show. Lauren, please, Lauren, please. 7.30. Can you imagine the promo? Maybe for Christmas. The promo. The promo for this weekend says, hey, it's Mikey. On Monday morning at 7.30, we will play Lauren's Santa Baby that she recorded on GarageBand and gave to a boyfriend. Yeah, and you know what, Lauren? If you don't listen to us, listen to the people. M1's out there. Let us know what you think, if you should hear it or not. 570-1949. Oh my, guess who's on the line? That is Christmas. Guess who's on the line? Sienna is on the line. But Sienna, did you just hear what she did? She actually has the actual recording on her iTunes at home. I do have it. Oh no, I didn't hear that. Yeah, and so we're begging her to burn it. And bring it in here. I'll think about it over the weekend. And let us. For now, you need to sing a little bit. Just in case. I am dying. Heck no. I did not believe this. Don't do it for us. Do it for Sienna. Sienna's like, what happened when I left? No, I don't even remember the words. It's like so long. Don't you? Maybe we print them out for you. Here, I'll get them real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woodsy can print them. It's not even Christmas, you freaks.

2:26:05This is like Christmas. This is better than Christmas. This is better than Christmas. I'll give it to you for Christmas, and then you can do with it what you like. Have Christmas come early. You have to do it for the M1s. I'm driving in my car right now with Sage in the back, and I'm like, I've got to call. Where's the phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone is doing that. But, Sienna, you love me. I know. We all do. That's why we need it. Oh my gosh, that is great. Sienna, we miss you. We miss you. Miss you, Han. We miss you. Let's concentrate on Sienna. No, no, no. I just wanted to call to encourage you and like to bug you. We love you, Sienna. Can't wait to see you again. Bye. All right, bye. Hey, look what Woodsy just printed out. We have to break. It's the words. We're like way late. It's the lyrics. You know, I think we're fine. We're fine. We are way over, but we're fine. We're okay. It's the lyrics. I want to know exactly how it's up. No, heck no. I will faint. Lauren, take us in the break. I don't know. I will faint. Just take us out. Take us out. Come on. She just threw the lyrics on the floor. Gosh darn it. With the whole audience in here, I would faint. I'll do it. They're all applauding. They're all applauding.

2:27:21I would faint. You will get on stage and do Downward Facing Dog, and you will not sing that. That's a yoga move, Mikey. Listen, all I can tell you is, all I can tell you is, there has been a lot of speculation, is the Mikey Show going to do a 28-hour show? The answer is yes. It will be for Rady Children's Hospital and their ADI and their Autism Discovery Institute. We can't call it the 28-hour show because that's what it was called at the other station. So we have to give it a different name. It's going to be called the Mikey Show Marathon. Yes, sir. All I can tell you is that there has got to be a live performance of Santa. Oh, my gosh. My goodness. If you would have asked me 10 months ago, who's going to be the dirtiest birdie on the Mikey Show? I would have said, it's not a question. Woods.

2:29:01Who would have thought it would be Lauren O'Brien? I'm not actually dirty, though. Who would have thought that I would be third on this show? Yeah. Third. Third. I just say things. Most of the time now, I say it off the air. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of the time. Because I know that it's been... I'm in third for creeps on this show. Third. Yeah. I'm working for number one. Oh, boy. Captain Buzzkill, what's up? Can't hear you. What, hello? My blood pressure. What's up is your blood pressure? It's up for one. Well, what else? I've been listening this morning. Weird. It's the only thing I get. Is it? What about TV? I don't have a television. I think it's bad for people. Yeah. And Jagger and Christy doesn't come in.

2:30:01Pretty sure you can get Jagger and Christy if you want to. I'm pretty sure I cannot. They stream online. I know you have the internet. I have a Commodore and it doesn't run very well. It's a 386. Saw your new Facebook page, by the way. That's not me. That is you. It's spelled with a K. You saw it already? Yeah, I saw it. I have my attorneys looking in there. Oh, do you? I heard the segment just a moment ago. About what? About you, Lauren O'Brien. admitting that you once made a santa baby cd mp3 were you jealous so what you mad about that no i'm not mad about that what's your bit then i just think that it's um i think it's pretty typical that mikey and woods heard a woman clearly say no take no for an answer you mean just now when i was when i was saying like stab it

2:31:11They were just teasing me like brothers. We were just teasing. Just like brothers. Do you know what teasing is or like humor? Do you know what that is? Yeah, I do. You've gotten teased a lot, I bet. Yeah, you've been teased. Yeah, I have. That's why I know it. And I heard a woman clearly say no. And I heard two men pressure her and continue to badger her. and not take no for an answer. And I want to tell Lauren that you can say no means no. I appreciate your concern, Buzzkill. I bet you've heard no from a lot of girls in your day, Buzzkill, haven't you? He's never talked to real girls anyway. Russian brides don't count, I love you. What did you think about that person? The 976 numbers. We got you. They don't count, pal. We got you with the Russian bride yesterday. Yeah, we did. You love us so much. Admit it was funny. You liked it. It wasn't funny. It was a typical practical joke that you play on someone. I've heard it a million times on the Jagger and Christy show. No. No, you haven't. They play practical jokes. They do? Yeah, they do. Only theirs are intelligent. Do you call their general manager or send them letters? Never had to. They don't do anything that's atypical.

2:32:42What? Like mine and Mikey's. Yeah, you're both Neanderthals. And you don't hear a woman say no and then stop it. Boy, I know how to get under that guy's oily skin real good. Sex online. Enter your credit card number now. No, sir. And your credit card number is $3.99 a minute. Is this buzzkill? I know who you are. I know who you are. I know that voice. Domino's, did your order? Is this CBK? Yeah. How are you? Good. Good. The usual? Too large? Yes. And? Four orders of cinnamon sticks. Don't forget his soda. Okay. Was that Lauren O'Brien?

2:34:33He was in the audience. I bet he was. Creeper. Maybe that was that creep that was texting me that still hasn't identified themselves. Oh, yeah. Creeper. It was kind of weird, right? Yeah. It's really weird. Jamie was like, who's texting you? Oh, my God. I was like, really? Jamie does not talk like that. Yes, she does. She doesn't. Who's texting you? That's Sabrina. Who's texting you? Tell her to stop. I don't like it. You said on the air that it was a girl. Was it a girl? I'm like, I don't know. Is that the conversation I have now? Yes, of course. You didn't say it was a girl. Oh, and you know what? I had told so many people about that story, I didn't tell her. So she was like, why are you hiding it from me? I'm like, oh my God. She's fuming right now, by the way. Hopefully she's on a jog because I hope she's not listening. I'm a dead man. Did you say she got a job? He's digging. No, on a jog. Oh, a jog. He's digging. No, she's been going on jogs by the beach and I hope she's jogging right now because I don't want to get killed when I get home. You're going to. I know. So am I, because I joined in. I'm sorry, Jamie. I love you. I love you. I love you. Oh, I bet my phone's going to blow up. Should we get her on the line? Oh, I don't know. I'm dead. Maybe get her on the line. Get her on the line. Maybe get her on the line, Jamie. Get her on the line. Get her on the line. Do you have her number? Of course you do. You creep. Yes, I do. Yeah, we was just texting her. I heard you guys making fun of my voice. What's up with that? Sabrina, we weren't making fun of your voice. Well, I heard stupid Alabama say. You heard who? Alabama.

2:35:58What did she say? L-O-B. L-O-B. Lauren. Yeah. I heard her say, that's not Jenny, that's Sabrina. Whatever. Is that what you said? I didn't say it like that. She didn't at all. You didn't, Lauren. I know, I did not say that. Sabrina, what's the weather today? It's nice. You just looked out the window. It's going to be really nice this weekend. That's what I heard. It's going to be awesome. Are you going to be at the beach or anything? Yeah. She's a weather girl. I say. What's the weather like today? She looks out the window. Come on. Captain Obvious. This is San Diego. Is she getting paid? Not by me. I mean, she's a weather girl. She didn't do any work. Maybe by Jay. Mr. Booz gives me some kickbacks. Didn't get any answer, Woods. No answer. She didn't pick up. Yes. That means that she's jogging? No, that means that she's listening and doesn't want to talk because she's pissed. Either one. Either one. Either one is... What time is it? 9.15. She said she was going to go to the beach about 9. You are. You are real lucky. Oh, but all the M1s will be all over Facebook page. Did you hear what one said? You realize you keep digging. You better broadcast that. Who is taxing out? Nobody, I swear. What did you say? I think it was a guy, honey. I think it was a guy. And maybe tell Fatso to stop joining in with that. I think it was a guy. If you're a guy, just identify yourself so my wife didn't think some girl was creeping on me.

2:37:25I thought it was a girl because you called her bro and she said. But then the girl, the waitress that brought me a beer goes, a couple would like to buy you a beer. And then I got the text from this person that said, enjoying that nice fresh beer, you're welcome. So it's from a couple. So I think it was a dude. Interesting. I'm about to beat my head against the wall. You ever get in trouble real good for nothing? For nothing that was in my control? Speaking of Facebook, if you'd like to. If you'd like to, my one-year-old son, Luke, is on Facebook now. He's going to have more friends than me. Luke Esparza. He's the one-year-old infant that in the picture is behind bars. And you can find him there. He currently has 625 friends. What? He's got some witty little quips up there. He writes stuff on there that... That dude's hysterical. That I don't get to approve. That I have not approved. What's that like? It ain't fun. What was he doing? What was he saying? He says stuff that... Let's see. What's the last thing he put? He told a little joke last night that I thought was pretty funny. I did too. What'd he say?

2:38:45He said, you didn't see it? What's little and brown and only grows in California, I think it was. My dad. Oh, that's so funny. That's so funny. Apple doesn't fall far. That's right. All of his posts are gone. That's weird. Did you take him down? Rebecca may have. Maybe she's monitoring him now. Maybe. It's about time. He said... In the middle of the night last night, he wrote, can't sleep, a lot on my mind, trying to figure out how to get Van Halen to play my next birthday party. He's like Jeff Ficoli. Unbelievable. 570-1949 is the number if you want to give us a call. Oh, I just got a text. It says, quote, ready? Yeah. I'm jogging a hole. But it says a hole. I want to call her. I'm dead. I'm dead. I want to talk to her. I want to, honey. Please. Call in. Please. Because it's way more comfortable to do this now than off the air. Yes. At least I have some support. Mikey's digging a hole for himself. No, I don't want to. It happened. I broke it earlier. Yeah, Woodsy did that. I broke it. Way to go. 570-1949. And you can use that too, Jamie. Please do.

2:40:16Honey, please call in. I love you just so very much. I'm jogging a hole. Hey, how many times a week do you get in trouble from your wife, Woods? Like once or twice. Not too bad. Like once or twice. What about you? Once or twice. No, I'm serious. Like once or twice. She's so used to me. You'd have to be a different type of girl to be married to me. I would say That I actually get in trouble seven times. I hear about it zero times. Okay. I hear about it once or twice. Yeah. Like, and, you know, I snapped at her last night. She's like, are you ready to go to bed? I go, in a minute. Like that. And right when I said it, I go, damn it. Don't hard T. I hard T'd her, dude, on the minute. And I was like. In a minute. Yeah, I go, in a minute. Like that. And I was like, who am I? So I ran upstairs.

2:41:14Played a little grab ass. It was all good. Did you run? Yeah, I ran, actually. Please call in, hon. She's not calling. You guys aren't making anything any better. We're not. Just so you know. Please call in. Well, we want to be all sweet and everything. Nope. Call in. Call in. Call in. The people want to hear you. Um. I don't even talk like that. All right, Woods. I have to know. I have to know what this story is. Okay, I probably haven't read it, but what is it? The football coach that forced the kid. What is this all about? So there was... Okay, in Tucson. You know, it's a Tucson Raiders youth football program. It got in a heated argument with a parent. The coach did. Because the parent wanted to pull his kid from the game. The coach said if he leaves the game, he's not wearing his uniform.

2:42:14Don't know why. That's a strange thing. The result is that nine-year-old Daniel Salazar had to strip down to his underwear right there in front of everyone. What? Yeah. At that time, he said, quote, at that time, he asked me for the uniform. I told him, no, I'm not giving you the uniform. He doesn't have anything to wear right now. He got in my face, started cursing me out and calling me a little girl, you know, in front of my kids. This is what the dad said. This guy, Phillip Duran, another coach got involved. Coach Duran became very aggressive, yelling profanities and chest bumping him. Crazy. In front of kids. In front of kids, man. Nine-year-old kids. Yeah. And then, you know what? He said, take off your clothes and you're not allowed to have this uniform on. Yeah. Right down to his underwear. Oh, my gosh. Holy cow. That's probably not going to have any lasting effects on the kids. I'm sure. I'm sure that coach isn't going to get in too much trouble, too. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Well, I got to tell you. If it came down to that, my kid's not taking the uniform. No way. Maybe the kid started to while the parents were fighting. Guess who's calling in. Something sounds suspicious. You answer. You watch my finger and then you answer. Hello? Hi. Hi, dear. You know, I was just trying to enjoy a leisurely jog. Hi, Jamie. Jamie, I told him to stop.

2:43:41I did too, Jamie. I did too. She's hot. Listen to her. She's hot. Tell you again what? Tell me again how my voice sounds. Who's texting you? That is not how you sound. She's got a beautiful little southern, sexy little southern twang. Is that not what happened, though, dear? Didn't that happen? The minute I walked in the door, weren't you like, so, who was texting? I did, but I didn't say it like you said it. Fine, but you said, You said, so who was texting you? And I was like, I thought I told you about that. No, that's the funny thing. You never mentioned it to me. Because I told like 15 people that night about what was happening. Told L.O.B. She was standing right next to me. I know, but to Jamie's defense, how come you didn't tell her? Because after the nine-hour show that I sat through. Yeah.

2:44:33And the four-hour drive home, what it felt like. By the time I got home, all I wanted to do was go to bed. Look at Lauren. I just wanted to go to bed. And it slipped my mind. Yes, it did. She's like, I want to know. If it's a girl, I want to know. I'm like, it's not a girl. I think it's a dude. So whoever you are with your Temecula number, you better reveal yourself. Because my wife would like to know who you are. Because my wife would like to know who you are. Buying me a beer. Yeah. I would like to know who you're giving your number out to. I would be right there with you, sister. Would you both? The waitress came over with a platter in her hand and said, Oh, hi, sir. Somebody wanted to send this bra over to you. They bought it for you. Babe, you know how whoever it was got my number. Are you?

2:45:26I used to give my number out to the M1s that would come in so they could call me and let me know they were here. Mac, you've been in before, you know that. You know that. But then, from the very beginning, I was like, you're doing what? Yeah, yeah. Mikey was like, dude, you can't do that. And me, I'm like, that's no big deal. I'm like, you realize that people will text you and they'll call you. And Woods had never been on the air before. And Woods goes, dude, nobody will do that. And I go, Woods, yes, they will. And he goes, that would be like weird. And I go, dude. People don't know. They will cross boundaries. What's really weird is sitting down to watch your friend, Lauren O'Brien, you're out with the boys. It's really your first guys night you've had out since you moved to San Diego. Really. Well, besides the one night. But I'm sitting there and I get the thing. Nice news, boy hat. And I'm like, oh, wow, James Gumm is here. He's going to slit my throat and wear my skin out of here. It flipped me out so bad.

2:46:31And I'll apologize for not telling you. It honestly slipped my mind. I would tell you. That's a funny story. I know. But I love you. And you don't talk like Sabrina. I love you too. I'll see you later. I love you too, Jamie. I love y'all. Bye, Jamie. I'm going to get kicked in the sack when I get home. As soon as you get home. Our number is 570-1949. Would you like to play TomTom Tunes? Yes. If you would, call us now. All you have to do is tell us what the TomTom girl is, what lyrics to what song she's reading. 570-1949. TomTom Tunes is next. Reveal yourself, creep. How can you not be happy listening to Loverboy? Specifically this song. This is all about wood. That's right. Listen, Loverboy was so cheesy and so great. Mike Reno. Mike Reno. Genius. You think that guy ever drove a fresh Corvette? I'm so worried. Or a Fiero? Yeah. You think that guy ever wore a red headband real good? Best part. Red leather pants. Yeah. Get lucky. That guy. There's two out of cover.

2:48:28That guy probably used to walk through Vegas casinos wearing that outfit. Absolutely. If that doesn't take you into your weekend, I don't know what would. Oh, yeah. I need to get a lover boy best of. Yeah, you should. Turn Me Loose, Working for the Weekend, Hot Girls in Love, another deep and brilliant song. Mm-hmm. Deep. 570-1949 is the number. We're going to do a little TomTom tunes. Do a little Tom Tom tunes. Now, the way that it works is Tom Tom Girl is going to read you some lyrics. And all you have to do is tell us what song it is. You have 30 seconds. And let's go to M1 Mike from Sam Clemente. Are you there? Yeah. All right, Mike. Tom Tom Girl is going to read you some lyrics. You have 30 seconds. You ready?

2:49:48Here we go. Santa, baby. Just kidding. You got us. You got us, Tom, Tom, girl. That was a little joke for L.O.B. That was a good one. That was a good one, Tom, Tom, girl. Are we ready for real now? Yes, we are ready for real now. A lone listless breakfast table in an otherwise empty room. Young girl, violin, center of her own attention. The mother reads aloud. Child tries to understand it. Tries to make her proud. The shades go down. It is in her head. I need title or artist M1 Mike. Pearl Jam Daughter. Girl has no inflection. Zero. So it's hard to understand. No melody. Nothing. No rhythm. No rhythm. No rhythm. No rhythm. No rhythm.

2:51:02M1 Paul from Chula Vista. You ready to play? Yes. She's going to read you some lyrics and you have 30 seconds to give me title or artist. You need either one or both and you can win. Here we go. And my eyes indisposed in disguise as no one knows. Hides the face lies the snake the sun in my disgrace. Boiling heat summer stench beneath the black the sky looks dead. Call my name through the cream, and I will hear you scream again. Title or artist. Paul? It was a little monotone. Yeah, you know, she is, in fact, a machine. That's the point of the game. Yes, that's kind of the point of the game. She's a machine. She is, in fact, the GPS device. She's the TomTom girl. That was Soundgarden, Black Hole Sun, believe it or not. Indisposed. You are hard to understand. That is tougher than it looks. That's what movie fun guy told me as well, Mikey. That's true. He did tell you that. M1 Schmieben from San Diego. What's happening, guys? Not too much. How are you? I'm all right, man. You ready to do this? Let's go. All right. Go ahead, TomTom girl. Today is the greatest day I have ever known. Cannot live for tomorrow. Tomorrow is much too long. I will burn my eyes out.

2:52:54Before I get out, I wanted more than life could ever grant me. Bored by the chore of saving face. Any guess, Schmieben? Tom Tom, you suck. I know you do, but what about me? No guess, guys. Smashing pumpkins today. Sounds just like Tom Tom. I thought that was the first time I heard that. Be a good band. What happened? Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys see, to rabbit hole slightly, speaking of Jessica Simpson and pop idiots, did you see who Rick Rubin is working with next? Who? I almost slit my throat. Who? Michael Buble. Rick Rubin. Rick Rubin, who used to do DMC, The Cult, Johnny Cash. Yeah. All these great, great records. Michael?

2:54:16Buble. Why? It's killing me! It's killing me! You know, honestly, if I were Michael Buble, I'd be like, well, why would I work with... I know. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not a good match. It doesn't sound like a good match. And Kid Rock. Oh, wow. Oh, Rick. Just anybody. He's just got, like, a sticker, you know, just take a number on his door. Yeah. Maybe he wants to be able to say, I can do anything with anyone and I can make it a hit. Oh, man. Just killed me. So this is controversial because New York is trying to make it so that you can't buy sugary stuff with food stamps. Is that it? Sugary stuff or just sugary drinks? Sugary drinks. Sugary drinks. Food stamp buys. So you're on food stamps. You live in New York. You can't buy sodas, teas, sports drinks, and other sugar-sweetened beverages because they are trying to battle obesity. Yeah. I think it's a good plan. I'm on board with it. How do you feel about it? I feel like the government's telling you what you have to do. Well, the government's giving you money to buy things in the first place. You can get water. You don't need sports drinks to live and sodas and whatever. So it's kind of like if my mom and dad are supporting me, I've got to live by their rules. Yeah. Is that it? I'll give you money, but you can only buy things like bread.

2:55:40Milk. Don't go and buy a bunch of gummy bears and stuff that you don't need. The juice, I don't, you know, I mean, juices, they're not great for you, but they're not, you know, this one guy says, I understand the sodas, but what if somebody's in bad shape and they just want juice? Need your juice. Love my juice. Gotta have my juice. You guys talked me into it. Well, I don't know. Maybe if it's like 100% juice, does that count? I don't know. I don't know if they take food stamps. I don't know if you guys know this. Juice? It's sugar. It's delicious. It's like 36 grams of sugar. My first thing in the morning when I stagger downstairs at 345 in the a.m. is I grab the apple juice out of the fridge and I go. I take three pulls off the apple juice every morning. Is that working for you? Or the sunny D. Yeah, works for me. Well, they probably figure, okay, if we're going to fund people to have this sugar and stuff like that, then they're going to come back into the health care system if they've got problems with the public health care system. But they can still buy potato chips, ice cream, and candy. See, that's weird. That's stupid. But, I mean, it's like, should we only give them bread and water? You know what I mean? No. It's like they're not in prison, you know? You know what LOB sometimes takes in the morning? What?

2:57:00Shots of apple cider vinegar. Usually I don't take it in the morning. Usually I do it after I've had food and stuff. Why? You are obsessed with drinking vinegar-like products. It aids in the digestion. Among other things. Yeah, so is your stomach. So do Tom's. Just to let your stomach digest your food. It's natural. I don't know. It seems to be working for L.O.B. That's true. It helps with like bloating and stuff like that. It does all kinds of good stuff. I'm not going to get into it. Like doo-doo? It tastes like vinegar. Dude, I did it one time because I heard that it was like a natural remedy for a cold or something. It brought me to my knees. It's that bad. What? It hurt my stomach. If I won't do it again on an empty stomach. That was me. I made the mistake of I don't think I've ever done that before and this morning I did and I was like. It hurt so bad that I actually went. right down to a knee. I took a knee. I should tell you something. What? That it's not good for you. Well, people can do it, you know. I can't. I can't either. I'm a Sally. I am too. New movies out today? What do we got? What kind of movies are coming out? We have to break. We do? I guess we do. No, I can't play that. I'll find something real sweet. What about this? Oh, yeah. Tell you what the new movies are when we come out? Sure. He doesn't know?

2:58:35You have him. I thought you had him. I thought you said spider. I thought I gave him to you. It's coming up next. Welcome back. Thank you. It's a Mikey show. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? I am good. I'm good. M1 Elroy wrote me a message and it is his son Ren. It's his birthday today. I was wondering if we might rip just a quick happy birthday kazoo style. Yep. And a one. And Ella B, you're going to want to flip that right around. There you go. And a one. She was going to play the wrong song. Yeah, she was. And a two. And a three. If you guys are going to take this seriously, then I'm out. Then I'm quitting the band. We were taking creative liberties. Happy birthday, Ren. What are we, a jazz band? I don't take Thursday nights off. Seriously, man.

3:00:05So we could sit here and not play kazoo. The right way. I'm a kazoo player. That's right. Happy birthday, little Wren. How has Will Ferrell not been in that movie yet? What's that? I'm a kazoo player. Yeah, that's probably next on this list. That was that video that you saw, the racket video, where me and my two friends are dancing, including my sister. That's what the whole premise for our short film was. We were taking it so seriously and so seriously, and at the end we're playing. rock band. I... That... I don't know if I got that from it. Well, that was the ending credits. That was just supposed to be funny, like a little video. What you didn't see is the credits rolled across the screen, but the whole premise, it was a short film that we did. Do we have that on our website? No. What? I'll be honest with you guys, both of you, I have no earthly idea what you're talking about. What? I mean... No earthly idea. Remember the wrap your face off video? Okay, you said Rocket Man. I did? Yes. I knew what you were talking about because I speak L.O.B. Yeah. It's a whole other language. I speak L.O.B. I did. I had too much coffee. Tonight's 8 o'clock album, Eagles of Death Metal. Peace, love, death metal. And so that's an 8 o'clock album tonight. New movies that are out today. Yeah.

3:01:32This is definitely on my list of things not to see. Catherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel must set aside their differences when they suddenly find themselves in the care of their goddaughter. It's called Life As We Know It. I think even girls are like, I don't want to see that. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah, and then My Soul to Take. In the sleepy little town of Riverton, a serial killer turns up 16 years after his purported death to kill the seven children born on that night. Yeah. You're going to take Jake to that? Yeah, probably not. Probably not. Luke will be seeing that this evening. Yeah. And then Secretariat, the true story of the record-breaking Triple Crown winning horse and the suburban housewife who ushered him to Grey. In limited release, it's kind of a funny story that looks pretty good with Zach Galifianakis. I spit on your grave. That's what it's called? Yes. A young woman extracts terrifying revenge on the men who attacked her, brutalized her, and left her for dead. Those are the highlights. Oh, and the movie that we really wanted to see, Mike Stone, with Edward Norton. Excuse me. Norton is a convict who tries to manipulate a correctional officer by placing his beautiful wife in his path with Bobby D.

3:02:49Robert De Niro and Edward Naughton. M1DB from Mission Gorge. How you doing? What's up? I got another charity barbecue event. What is it? It's for Susan G. Coleman for The Cure. Nice. And we have a few of our employees are doing the 60-mile three-day walk. And if you're aware, the teams need to raise $2,300 to participate. How can people do that? We're having a community barbecue in our parking lot again. Tomorrow? Tomorrow. What time? 12 to 5. 12 to 5. All right. And it's at 5995 Mission Gorge Road, Suite C. Cool. Good luck, man. Good luck with it, DB. October is best cancer awareness. Last time you guys did the one for the Alzheimer's, you made an announcement. We raised $509. That's great. Really appreciate the announcement. Solid. Very good. Appreciate it, man. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Bye-bye. See ya. Bye. Our number here is 570.

3:03:491-94-9. Beginning and end of every show, we do open phones. You can call in about anything that you want to at the beginning and end of every show. So, a bunch of people are planning on skipping flu shots. What is that, Woods? I threw all the stories away. Oh. When's Sienna coming back? I threw him in the garbage. Where? In the garbage. Are they all messed up? Yeah, but the gist is that a lot of people, they're planning on skipping flu shots. No way. No way. I never get one. It's groundbreaking. I never get one either. I have to. I didn't get one. Why? Did you get one? I have to get flu along with the other stuff that I have to get the shots for for going to Haiti. Oh, yeah. Chances Mikey comes back sick anyway. Pretty high. Pretty high. Pretty high. How you doing? That freaks me out a little bit. What's that? The shots. Yeah. Or me throwing the news in the garbage before the show's over. That's all right. We always do a bunch of stories at the end. Really? It's the Mike show. Don't tell me my business. I think we'll hear about that when the mics go off. Sienna told me last night. I talked to Sienna for a long time last night. And she goes, hey, Woods, maybe you suck at the news, please. So that, you know, people don't get used to it. And I said, Sienna, that's not going to be a problem, dear. Okay? Nobody can replace your. No.

3:05:13Big jugs and personality and winning smile. You're trying, but no, you haven't done it. More importantly, your talent. Yes. And your jugs. That's what we're talking about, our talents. M1 David from Carlsbad. Yeah, Mikey. What's up? Super stoked, man. You're coming to my church this weekend, Calvary Chapel, Oceanside to speak. Calvary Chapel tomorrow night and Sunday morning. Wow. Nice. I'm super stoked to see you, and I hope that it's a good time. I'm excited to do it, man. What time? Yeah, what time? It's, I think, tomorrow at 5.50, right? No, I'm just kidding. Tomorrow at 5.55 and 9 a.m. on Sunday. Big time. And there's another one on Sunday, too, right? It's two services on Sunday, I think. Yeah, 11, I think. I'm going to try to make your 9. 9 and 11. Yeah. Because my game's at 1.30 on Sunday. Yeah. Or at 1. Yeah. The Tipsy Crows are playing the Elite. Ooh, it's on. They're a good team. I actually researched your league. Did you really? Raper. Yeah. Did you really? Yeah. Yeah. I was doing a bit. Where are you now? I was. With yourself in your head? No, I'll have to tell you off the air because I don't want to ruin it. I can't wait to hear what this is. But yeah, I'm going to try to make your 9 o'clock. That's cool. Can you drive me home or do I need to ride separate? Well, yeah. You have to stay. He's got another one. I have to stay. All right. Doing another one. Maybe I'll go with you.

3:06:35No, you guys are sweet. I'll pick you up. I'll be at the house. You guys want some video of that for me. There you go. David, thank you, man. We appreciate it. Yeah, thanks. I'll be stoked to see you. Thanks, man. Yeah, I'll be doing that on Sunday, and it's actually a longer version of what I do at the end of the show on Fridays. The end of the show on Friday, I tell you my story, and I tell you my story and hope that... Something in my story you can relate to. And I also want to tell you my story because in so many ways, my story has a cool ending. When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. And I've said this a million times, man. It doesn't matter how many times, how many times I tell you this story, that part of my story is never easy. That part of my story never gets easier. Just never has. But I tell you because I know that there's a lot of people that are listening that have been through something similar. And when I went through it, what it caused was a lot of shame. I didn't tell anybody. The person that did it was much older than me and lived in the same neighborhood that we lived in. And one of the members of my family knew him. And I was really, really ashamed of it. But I didn't.

3:08:13really consciously think about the fact that i was ashamed of it but over the years i tried to cover it up with tattoos all over my arms i tried to cover it up with a shaved head i tried to cover it up with a tough personality i tried to cover it up with sharp words have you been there is there anybody listening that's been there i did that for years and years When I got into my 20s and into my 30s, I started to use alcohol really, really heavily. My oldest brother, who is one of the tattoos that I have on my arm, I have his birth date on my arm, said to me one time when we were in the car driving in Tucson, aren't you worried about drinking? We have alcoholism in our family. I said, you know what, man? I'm never going to let it get to that point.

3:09:29I never thought that I would let so many things get to the point that I let them get to. I never thought that I would be as humiliated as I was when I would drink sometimes, do things that humiliated me, waking up the next morning and feeling like a complete jerk, not even remembering what I did the night before, and then just being sad, feeling pathetic. If that sounds like you, I want you to know that God changed my life. When I accepted Jesus Christ into my life, something happened that was supernatural. I can't explain how it happened. But what happened was supernatural. Changed me. It wasn't all at once. It happened over time. But He did it. I didn't do it. At the end of last year, I thought that I was going to be coming to this radio station. And I thought that I was going to be coming here.

3:10:56With all the people that I worked with over at the other radio station. And they decided that they wanted to stay together without me. And they didn't tell me about it. I found out December 17, 2009. There's two dates that stand out in my mind. October 6, 1996. I was cheated on by a girl. And December 17, 2009. I found out that I was on my own. that I didn't even have a choice. I couldn't work with the people even if I wanted to because they decided that I was out and I was devastated. And over the course of the next 10 months, God made the Mikey show number one again within just a few months. And he put Woods and Jay and Sienna and Lauren in my life. That in itself is supernatural.

3:12:11I think about it sometimes and I think it's super natural what he did. And then he completely restored my soul, broke me down. I was completely broken up, man. In fact, still, I mean, still to this day, there is pain associated, but he has restored me in ways that I can't even tell you. He takes so many things in my life that were bad and he turns them into beautiful things. If you go to Mikey show.com, there's a button on top that says help. If you click there, there's all kinds of resources that'll help you with addiction. That'll help you with eating disorders, depression. Jesus Christ changed my life. And I just tell you my story, not because I'm telling you what to do. I just want anybody that's listening. That's hopeless, addicted to drugs to know.

3:13:26that he did it with me. If he did it with me, he can do it with you. That's all I want you to know. I play a song at the end of the show and I always try to play a song that maybe the words to the song are something that you can relate to. This song is called Pieces. It's by a band called Red. And the words of this song mean so much to me because they're exactly where I was. They're exactly where I've been at one time in my life. before he turned things around. And so I always invite people to listen to the lyrics of the song really good. Lovely and talented Hillary is up next. Have a great weekend. Hope to see you out at Calvary Chapel in Oceanside this weekend. Mikey shows out late.