The Mikey Show - FM 94.9 - 11/28/11
Monday, November 28, 2011
Chargers lossUnmentionables traditionSanta Baby recordingWoods' love lettersCreepy interview with TaylorJay's daughter photo prankWoods' poemTwilight Edward vs Jacob debatemikeshowunmentionablessanta babywoods poem
The show opened with the Mikey Show Unmentionables segment, where Mikey mocked the Chargers' sixth straight loss and set the tone for sharing embarrassing stories. Lauren O'Brien then revealed her cringe‑worthy Santa Baby recording made with earbuds in her bathroom, while Woods shared his 1993 love‑letter saga to a record‑store clerk named Catherine. Later, Woods embarrassed Jay by displaying a sexy photo of Jay's daughter on his laptop, prompting a physical reaction, and the crew revisited Woods' poem line "Take me to your heart" before ending with a heated debate about Team Edward versus Team Jacob from Twilight.
What happened, in order
Unmentionables Kickoff
Mikey launches the Mikey Show Unmentionables segment, joking about the Chargers' humiliating loss and the show's tradition of sharing embarrassing stories.
L.O.B. on the Spit
The hosts announce that Lauren O'Brien will be the first to face the Unmentionables spit, setting up her embarrassing Santa Baby recording.
Santa Baby Bathroom Recording
Lauren O'Brien describes recording a sultry Santa Baby voicemail for her boyfriend using earbuds as a microphone while her roommates were away.
Woods' 1993 Love Letters
Woods reads his awkward, overly earnest letters to a record‑store crush named Catherine, complete with poems and probing questions.
Creepy Interview with Taylor
Woods interviews a young girl named Taylor, slipping into a Twilight‑like Edward Cullen voice and asking about her multiple boyfriends and Christmas wishes.
Jay's Daughter Photo Prank
Woods shows Jay a provocative picture of Jay's own daughter on his laptop, causing Jay to leap out of his chair and throw his back out.
"Take Me to Your Heart" Line Recall
The crew revisits the infamous closing line from Woods' untitled poem, "Take me to your heart, for I'll run there," which has become a fan‑favorite meme.
Twilight Team Debate
Mikey, Woods, Lauren and Jay argue over whether they prefer Edward Cullen or Jacob Black, touching on necrophilia, werewolf fangs and personal taste.
People mentioned
MikeyWoodsLauren O'BrienJayNicoleCatherineErica CraneTaylorMaddieMatt CommerceJim CallahanStacey CohenElla B.Scotty
35,365 words, machine transcribed. Click any timestamp to jump the player there.
It's literally, it's like honey. You are such a beautiful singer. Careful now. Take it easy. Remember you're like that, like that. Season, huh? Give it some gusto here. Yeah. We'll give it everything you have. Control it. Control it, but give it what you've got. Get some here. You can fix that in the mix, in post-production. Heard worse. Heard worse.
Have we? Just go up there and get it now. Get some. Get some. Bring it back up. Now you're committed. Now you're committed. Now you're committed. You're already in. You're in. Show us all your cards. Sharp. Sharp. That's not good. I understand you're emotional. Controlled. Controlled enthusiasm. Good idea. Good idea. Just change the key completely. Just get into a situation you're comfortable in. Yes. Talk it out. If that's where you feel best, just go there. Keep it there. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Take a breath. Right into the mic. Well, it is good to be back, isn't it? Listen, we wait 364 days to get to that sucker, you know? Yep.
I mean, it's the Monday after Thanksgiving that we get to do this. And also today, if you are tuning in today, you are in for a treat, my friends. You're in for a treat. Today, we do the Mikey Show Unmentionables. Oh, boy. It's all the stuff that we are fiercely embarrassed of. Well, we've actually rolled a barbecue spit in here that we will all take turns on. Yeah, we'll just get on there and get roasted. Now. They are all equally humiliating, and we will get to all of them. But before we do, we should talk about, I don't know, probably the most humiliating thing that's happening here in San Diego, which is the Chargers. Yeah, I was going to say, it's a great segue to talk about humiliating things. It's absolutely, yesterday was absolutely humiliating. Yeah. I'm getting over being sick, but the Chargers don't have an excuse like that. They have dropped their sixth consecutive game. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. They lost to the Broncos yesterday at home. Your boy. Your boy, Mike. Tim Tebow. Stop it. Did it again. Oh, no. We suck again. Guy is 5-1 as a starter. Oh, wow. He runs a Pop Warner offense.
And is 5-1 in the National Football League as a starter. He can't throw the football. He cannot throw it. Yeah. He can't do it. He's a nice person. Very nice person. Very nice. He's respectful to the media. He's respectful to the public. Very much. And he's a good kid. Yes, he is. Thank you. He is. Well, this game is on our friend Norvis Turner. Is it? Absolutely. Again, I mean, dude, if they're... That guy played for... He played for a tie. at the end of regulation, when this was a must-win game. I mean, there was no doubt about it. He played for a tie, which is like a loss. They cannot have a loss. They had to have a win. Played for a tie at the end of regulation, loss in overtime. They sat there and choked on applesauce. He burned two timeouts that they desperately needed. He challenged a play that he shouldn't have challenged. It's like... It's like if they asked me to coach a game. My hair would be on fire. I wouldn't know what to do. Of course. That's what it looks like. This guy is absolutely atrocious. But you are a broadcaster. Right, you know. Maybe he wants to be let go. Maybe. He's got to be. It's like those guys, they want to be caught. Yeah. You know, they want to be caught. They're guilty conscious. It's killing them, so.
It was ugly, dude. Phillip Rivers did not have a good day. He didn't throw any picks or fumbles, but he was very gun-shy, very gun-shy, and just Tebow had a better quarterback rating than he did. Oh, my gosh. And that can't happen, dude. Oh, my gosh. And this is where I really get upset. They choked. I know. I'm sure you were happy, Mike. It's your boy. Oh, Tebow, you were excited. I wasn't. John 316. Unwind me for the whole game. Yep. Just need up. He's a good kid, you know? He is a good kid. I watched a special on him this weekend and was moved to tears. What he does with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, I was like, gosh darn it. Are you going to get a jersey like Mike now? No, I'm not. I don't have a jersey. You're wearing it. I don't have a jersey. Not getting a jersey. But he is a good kid, and the guy wins. Five and one. I mean, the numbers don't lie. What are the Chargers? What's the Chargers record? They have now, they are four and seven. Oh. I would rather have eight. Puffin stuff with Teddy Ruxpin as an assistant. Well, do you know you can get off one knee now that you're done recording this story? Yeah, I know. I was not happy with the loss, unlike Mike. They absolutely gagged. I am not happy about that. I'm a Charger fan, and it sucked. If they had to lose to anyone, you would want it to be true. Stop it. 100%. Stop it. 100%. 570-1949 is our number.
M1 Buzz from Claremont. Hi. What's up, guys? I am just so happy that I could hear that song. Normally I wake up at 6.30 to hear after that, but I had to wake up at 6. That's right. Take care, our new opening. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Love you guys. Love you. Well said. I'm glad to have it back. There was one more thing that I failed to mention about the Charger game. They caught our kicker, Nick Novak, peeing on the sideline. It's Jay. I got him on pictures. Yeah. Identical Jay. Identical Jay. Jay did that on the golf course. Yeah, they have him. He's kneeling down by the Gatorade. Yep. And he's peeing. Right. That's a great move. He is peeing. Can't you get in trouble for that? I mean, I'm sure. I would assume so. If I can get in trouble peeing in a park or something, then. Oh, of course. If you can get arrested for it, you should be. That is a good move, though. Just to the pants leg. No, I think he pulled it down. No, I think. Yeah. Oh, I go.
Through the pants? You don't pee through the pants. That means you peed your pants. And you would see like a giant peevee. Yeah. That would look ridiculous. I'm in shorts. He's in crazy pants. That's true. It was ugly all the way around. You cheered. You were there. You were rooting them on. Well, you weren't at the game, but you were rooting them on. We were all rooting them on. Well, it sucks. Now Monday Night Football against the Jaguars. Hopefully we can beat Jaguars. Jaguars? Jaguars. The Jags. If we don't beat the Jags, there's going to be real bad trouble. There's got to be real bad trouble already. It's already real bad trouble. It's got to be. They've got to. He needs to go. And by he, I mean Norv. He's got to go. He's lost this team. They don't play for him. He calls the offensive plays. He's this offensive guru. Right. And their offense was a turd yesterday. Yep. I did my job. Ugly. 570-1949. M1 Jessica from San Diego. What's going on? Well, my mom had some spare time this weekend, and she and my sister made a video, or it's a song that they put on YouTube called Cry Me a Rivers. About Philip. Cry Me a Rivers? Yeah, based off the Justin Timberlake song. I want to find it. I want to find it on YouTube. It's going to be mean about Philip, though.
Well, I mean, listen, Phillip is not playing up to standards right now. That's right. You know, and so you made a parody song about it. Pretty much. Yeah. Thank you very much. I like it. We will check it out. They are who we thought they were. Oh, yeah. Perfect. They absolutely ganged. Well, is the season over? Yeah. It's over, right? Oh, yeah, it's done. Can't make the playoffs. No, I mean, listen, they are. If they want every game out. We can't make the playoffs. Probably not because Broncos have won four straight. They are behind Oakland by only one game. Chargers are now three behind Oakland with five to play. And Oakland and Denver play, I think, only two teams out of both of them with winning records. So it's a done deal. I mean, it's going to be two years in a row, no playoffs. And at least, you know, last year they had the number one offense, number one defense. This year it's just atrocious. Injuries have. decimated them. Their offensive line was patchwork. Phillip was on his butt all day. And Norv even said, he goes, listen, I'm not going to step back and have Phillip Rivers throw the football when he may get killed, but that's what he gets paid to do, throw the football. And he makes a lot of dough to do it. So, you know, it's on him. It's on Norv. He calls the plays, man. It was an ugly, ugly, poorly managed game. I don't know. Anything else you want to talk about?
Not much you can really. There's really not. 16-13, loss in overtime. Matt Prater gets you. Tim Tebow gets you. John Fox gets you. Let me tell you this. Woods, I went out there and I gave the most inspirational speech of my career at halftime. I bet. I went into the locker room and I slammed my clipboard down on the table. And I said, I looked at all those guys right in the face. And I said to them, you listen to me. Mary has told us again. that some of you fellas are using those toilet covers and you're not flushing them all the way down. I understand germs. You don't want to sit on a bare toilet. I understand that. You use those toilet paper rolls, things that go on there. But don't leave them around here just laying around. It's filthy. It's disgusting. This ain't your house. Norv, why wouldn't you talk to them about...
the game and making adjustments and how to stop, you know, a college offense. The game they know about, what they apparently don't know about is keeping their manners in the bathroom. You're fighting the wrong fight. Yes. They're leaving those... What are they called, Woods? Seat covers. Seat covers. And then they're not even flushed. They're disposable, guys. Yeah. They flush right down. They'll flush down. That's true. It is a big problem. Let's see. So Jay printed me a text to read. It's important. And he wanted it to get on the air as soon as possible. So what he did was, every once in a while, if there is just a text that has to come through, it's a breaking text. This text says, was Mikey out shopping this weekend? I saw a rotund Mexican T-bowing at Tommy Bahama. And one call back.
You're just sitting there T-bowing in the middle of the store? That's weird. Come on, Mike. Come on, dude. It's going too far. Other shoppers want to get in there. You give them ammunition, what are they going to do? You're going too far with the Tommy Bahama and the T-bow at that point. One at a time. I don't wear Tommy Bahama. Don't you? No. You're wearing a new one right now. Camouflage Tommy Bahama. Yeah, it's weird. Tommy Bahama military theme. Go in my closet. No, you have way more than one. You have bed sheets. You have a duet cover. T-shirt. T-shirt. Lotions. Perfumes. There's creams in there. It was for panties. They're coconut flavored. Yeah. I don't have edible coconut flavor. Not anymore, you don't. Big weekend. You creeps. Do they get stuck in your teeth? Yeah. It's like being your nails. The shavings. You monsters. You monsters. You get the pina colada flavor, too. Which one's better, Mike? I'm doing some research. For Matt, for Christmas. I'm blushing. There you are. You know how bad it is when I start blushing? Oh, man.
What's more emasculating than not wearing Tommy Bahama and somebody saying, did you eat your edible Tommy Bahama auntie's? Do they make mango flavored? Are you a monster? Monster. The word of the day is fiber. And so when I say that between now and 10, caller nine, I'll give you a four pack tickets to SeaWorld. The word is fiber. Does everyone feel fatter? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Man. Fat and happy. Oh, yeah. I feel fat and unhappy. How fat I am. I don't want to see a turkey sandwich for like six months. I probably had six turkey sandwiches. I had so many, and I had the most unhealthy kind. I mean, I made it so unhealthy. I got those little Hawaiian rolls, the little Hawaiian roll, and I would make... Turkey sandwiches out of that. Yeah, just deep fried real good. No. I didn't deep fry a turkey, but. I did. Jay did how many turkeys? Four turkeys. We had a turkey the day before. We had turkey sandwiches the day before Thanksgiving. You're a lunatic. That's horrible. He says, yeah, he cooked four turkeys. Four, one deep fried, three on the barbecue pit, rotisserie style. My goodness. We made turkey dumplings, turkey soup. We made turkey tacos.
Gosh. Chances Jasper has a turkey sandwich in his lunch today. Jay's little boy. I have a whole turkey frozen. Like a whole turkey that I cook frozen in half. I cut it in half because I'm going to make turkey soup and turkey enchiladas. Mikey. You made turkey soup last year, didn't you? Yeah. Will you bring some more in? Thank you. That's good. That's a no. I'm all turkied out. You notice he didn't answer you? Yeah, but I can wait. I can keep it in the freezer for like three months. He didn't answer. That means no. I'm not. Sharon, any of that with you. I only had one helping of turkey. That's it. Really? Mm-hmm. What's your problem? Yeah, what's your problem? What's up? I was full after my first helping, and then... White or dark? Oh, no. Come on. No, actually, the only time I don't like dark meat is when it comes off the bird. Really? Yeah. So you got a little breast. Mm-hmm. That's Mikey. That's just mean. I said, you got a little breast. Oh. I didn't say, you've got little breasts. You said a little of the breast. Yeah, I said, yeah. And I wouldn't say that, Jay. That's mean. I thought so. You know, Jay's pretending to not know that I... Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a good one, though. It got him. I didn't say that. It's definitely up there in the books. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't. That's hilarious. That's, you know... Wait, wait, wait! So there's all kinds of stuff. I said this morning I was going to sell my...
I was going to sell my car on Craigslist, and Woods goes, read the second story. And I go, okay, maybe I am not going to sell my car on Craigslist. Yeah, she should go auto-trader. Yes, well, I will. I will. What happened? The bodies of three men. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. We just have to explain to people. If you're new listening to The Mikey Show, or if you're a longtime listener to The Mikey Show, He volunteered to be our news guy because I like to react to the news more than I do, you know, deliver it. Right. But as Woods pointed out before we went to break, Jay has this habit. And the habit is that he prefers to just read the story on the air. Well, you've got to give the basis of the story. I understand. I understand. I can just give you my version of it. That's all right. Or I can give you the facts. With that said. Here's Jay on this news. Okay, the bodies of three men have been found in shallow graves in eastern Ohio. They all answered an ad on Craigslist to work on a cattle farm. They were all found in a shallow grave, raging in age from 47 to like 22. What's the deal? They just answered this ad and then never came back. Why would they get killed?
Nobody really knows. They've got two suspects in custody. But what creepy is that one of the guys had just posted on his Facebook that he got one of the most odd jobs that he'd ever gotten watching 680 acres of farmland. Weird. And then he never showed up again. And we don't know why. We don't know why. We don't know what. What the motive would be. No, they've got a 16-year-old in custody. And, of course, his father says that he's mild-mannered and a gentleman. And then the other suspect is a 52-year-old man. Both of them are being held on charges. It's creepy. Crazy. What the heck? Yeah. You stay off Craigslist, pal. I don't like it. It creeps me out, man. It creeps me out. I got a friend that does it for me. The Craigslist. What if something happens to them? Then you'll feel guilty. Oh, it's your fault. Wow. Oh, gosh. You just ruined everything in my day. What are you going to do, buddy? You just ruined every part of my day. Setting people up real good? I'm not trying to. No difference. You could even answer an ad in the newspaper and same thing. It doesn't matter where you're getting. Yeah, Woods. Hey. Just making me feel bad. People are creepy all over. Hey, got good news. The holiday sales were up over the weekend. Did anybody here take advantage of Black Friday? No, sir. Hello, Bree. Small business Saturday. Small business Saturday. Yes, I did do that. Didn't know there was such a thing. Yeah, American Express.
Set it up where they got customers to come in, and they gave you discounts on small stores, mom-and-pop stores. That's cool. That's pretty cool. Hey, but what happened? Sales are up. I just said that retailers were stoked because they had deep discounts and early opening investment, blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, pretty good. Pretty good stuff. Sounds promising for the economy, I guess. So they're going to keep offering deep discounts. Discounts and blah, blah, blah. Well said. All right. Kind of a high-tech story. Yes. Wow. Holy cow. That just happened. I didn't understand a word he said. Hey, I'm not reading the stories anymore. I'm just telling you my take on them. That just happened. Yeah, it did. Live on the radio. 570-1949 is our phone number if you want to give us a call. And let's see. So we did the Oh Holy Night. We'll continue to do the Oh Holy Night. And we're going to do L.O.B.
Yes. She will be put on the spit first. Yep. And what we're going to do is, if you don't know, the Monday after Thanksgiving, we play the Mikey Show Unmentionables. We're not allowed to talk about these things. No. The whole year. The whole year. But there is a season for them just like deer and elk season. Get your fill. And today it opens and we're going to try to limit out today. Yeah. And we'll keep going. I mean, listen, until we go on vacation. We will do this. Yes. Now, what I'm talking about is all of the things that we're embarrassed about. Woods, I'm so sorry, but yours delights me in a very particular way. In fact, I told Woods this morning, because the first time Woods brought this up to me, this embarrassing thing up to me, he goes, hey, I got some letters that I wrote to an ex-girlfriend. And I go, well, I need to read them.
And he goes, why? And I go, he goes, I want them to surprise you. I go, Woods, I go, look, I just got to make sure that's all. I got to make sure that they're good. He goes, trust me. 16-year-old Woods left. And I go, just let me see him, blah, blah, blah. I told him this morning, I go, listen, I am so sorry for how wrong. And, you know, I said, from this point on, I trust you on everything. I bought myself a little credit with that one. Yeah, I guess so. And L.O.B. We're going to do LLB next. It's a Hall of Famer. No question. The thing that she's embarrassed about was something that when we originally played on the air, she turned a color of scarlet that I had not seen. Yeah. I mean, it was a red that was just rose red, scarlet red, bright red. She was so embarrassed, in fact. Yes.
Bless you, Woodsy. She got underneath our console and was covering her face. It was meant to only be heard by two people, myself and my boyfriend. We had to beg her. Once we knew of its existence, beg. And I mean like on our knees going, please, please bring it in. And what that thing is, is her in a bathroom, her bathroom of her apartment singing Santa Baby to her boyfriend. Into some headphones. Well, that's a little too soon. What it was, she, yeah, you didn't have an actual microphone, but you figured out, hey, I can use a pair of earbuds as a microphone. Yep. Very resourceful, this one. Yes. Very. Santa cutie. Stop, Jay. You're not, yeah. You're jumping in ship. Yeah. He's like, don't ruin the surprise. So when we come back, Santa baby. Here we go. Wonderful. Start your engines.
Oh, my God. It's better than I thought. Let your voice be heard on The Mikey Show now. Call 570-1949 or shoot him a text. 949mikey at gmail.com. More of The Mikey Show coming up in minutes on FM 94.9. Only five days to go. The FM 94.9 Holiday Hootenanny. Presented by Coors Light. Join us this Saturday night for an epic evening of music with My Morning Jacket. featuring Door Cinema Club, Matt and Kim, Delta Spirit, and the Blackout Party. Tickets are on sale now. Get yours at tickets.com, the Jenny Craig Pavilion box office on the USD campus, or FM949SD.com. The FM 94.9 Holiday Hootenanny 2011 is presented by Coors Light and supported by Spy Optic. Join us this Saturday night for an epic evening of music with FM 94.9.
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Good morning. And now back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. Don't really like to swim. Unlike most Latinos. Woods. I can put down a 20 pack of chicken nuggets. No problem. Lauren. I got a little pepper up my nose. Had to sneeze. And Jay. I know I didn't cry. I'm a man. On FM 94.9. Monday after Thanksgiving is pretty much a holiday for us here on the Mikey Show. 5701949 is our number. Yeah, this ain't work, pal. No, not today. It never is, but today it's even more not work because we get to put each other on a spit and hear all the stuff that we are real embarrassed about. Yeah. So I want to let you know that Jared at createyourdesignonline.com, he's so good that he put a little Christmas theme up on our website. I love it.
Great. Go to MikeyShow.com if you want to see it. He put a Christmas theme up. I noticed it this morning. It was great. He just does that for you. And, you know, the most amazing work you can possibly think of. So check him out. CreateYourDesignOnline.com So the tale goes like this. Lauren O'Brien. We call her L.O.B. She has a boyfriend named... Matt Commerce. We call him BFMC for short. And was this when you first met Matt? It was, I believe, our first Christmas together. Well, let me tell you something. When you have a new gal in your life, Christmas time, who knows what you're going to get under that Christmas tree and that stocking. Hey, listen, she may even come out wearing a little Santa. elf outfit, right? Yeah, that's right. You never know. Maybe just bows. Just ribboned up real good? Yeah. Or, well, instead of playing the sound effect, why not just say it? Just say it from now on. It's so much grosser that way. So what L.O.B. thought she would do for this new guy in her life is she would sing him a song that was sexy.
I sing them a sexy song. And the song was called Santa Baby. Now, what she did was she waited until her roommates, because you did have roommates. Yes, I had roommates. And I didn't know my roommates. I met them off of Craigslist. Oh, my gosh. So I was afraid they would think I was some sort of creep. Oh, gosh. And I should preface, my boyfriend's a musician, so he was always asking me to sing with him. And I'm like, no, no, I don't want you to hear me sing. So this was my gift to him to say, okay, I'll sing a little Christmas song for you. So after all the roommates had left for the day and L.O.B. was sure they were away, into the bathroom she went. For the acoustics. Of course. And in there, an hour she spent with little tiny earbuds for her boyfriend named Matt. Never did she think that we'd be playing it back. It's actually just one take, so I had to hurry up so they wouldn't hear me. Oh, she's taking her headphones off. She's taking her headphones off. They just came off. They just came off. You forgot, didn't you, LLB? Oh, it still stings. I paused it. I paused it, LLB. You can put your headphones back on. It still stings. I paused it. I paused it.
You forgot, didn't you? I did. You forgot. Look at Nicole in our phone screen. She is dying. You guys don't feel like you've got to be silent. We've got two guests in here. You don't have to be silent. You laugh. I love it so much. She forgot how bad it gets. Just burlesque dancing real good. Just waving that finger back and forth. I love it. Imagine him checking his email. What's this? Yeah, he was in Virginia, right? Yep. And I said, you promised me that you are alone. If you're not alone, you need to put headphones on. Hey, listen. I would think it's adorable. Woods would be like, what?
And this is no offense. No offense. No offense, L.O.B. No, no. It's not that you're a bad singer. You're actually a pretty good singer. No, no. I would have been L.O.B. I would have been embarrassed. I would have been embarrassed. That's awesome. Why would you be embarrassed of this? L.O.B., L.O.B. The dip. The dip. Just as good. Oh, God. My Christmas list. Oh, God. Who do I think I am? It's gold. Who do you think you are? Who do I think I am? The Eartha kid over there. Feather boa just whipping in the air. Listen. I love it so much. It's so jam-packed with sultry. Yes. I mean, listen. You took a two-ounce can of sultry and you shoved eight pounds in it. I definitely did. Why did I do it? Why? Except with the backup singers. The karaoke back, bo-boom, bo-boom. Did you actually use a feather boa to kind of whip? Just to get your timing. To get the timing down. I want to know what she was wearing.
White gloves up to her elbows. Of course. A red dress. It's better to imagine what I was wearing than what I was actually wearing. Oh, my gosh. I had the sheet of lyrics. In front of you. In the bathroom. Been an angel. Oh, my God. Singing into an earbud. One ear in. Sitting or standing? Standing. Standing. I just had to open up the diaphragm. Yes. Much better to stand. I don't need to know about your birth control. I don't know. In fact, you know, to be honest with you, it's a little over the top. You on birth control or are you sticking with confidence? Here it comes. Here it is. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Santa. Honey. Ah! That's what would have made me push back from the computer. If I was in Virginia at my parents' house, I would have gone, uh-oh. I don't know what would have been better. That audio or seeing his reaction. It hurts my bones. It hurts my bones. I watched picture in picture. Oh, yeah, picture in picture. Oh, my gosh. So much worse than her. Ella V, tell me this. What was it like?
The moment that your finger pressed send. Because that was a moment. That was a moment. Trembling. Yeah, because you put your finger, it was a laptop, right? Yep. So you put your finger on the little thing, on the mousepad, and you move that cursor up to send. It must have hovered for a minute. And I sent it, and no response, no response, no response. Oh, my God. Oh, gosh. How long? Oh, gosh. It took like an hour, and I was like, what are you doing? Are you going to the computer? Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. And I hadn't listened to it. Before I gave it to you guys to put it on the air, I had not listened to it since. And I have not listened to it since we last played it on the air. Question. Yes. When you did it, you then edited it in GarageBand? No, I didn't do any editing. Did you listen to it before you sent it? Yes. You did. I felt like it was a good take. Just enjoy that. Just enjoy that. Something like gravy into a biscuit. Yes. Weird for you to make that right there. Sop that up. Sop it up. Sop it up. I felt that was a good take. I got this. I felt like that was as good as it was going to get. Yeah, I got it. It's good. Hey, no need to do another take. No. We got this. No, we're good. We are good. When you got perfection. Fire away. When you got perfection, just send. My thought was. Yes. What if.
Go ahead, Lauren. Go ahead. My roommate, I had a male roommate and a female roommate. Oh, my gosh. What if my male roommate. New roommate. Yes. Walked in and I was doing all this production in the bathroom. With a feather boa and a red evening gown. Because the garage door was in the bathroom. Oh, my gosh. So, at any point, that lock could have turned and I would have been. Busted. Busted. Just toast. You're just tuning in. We're doing the Mikey Show Unmentionables. These are the things that are open season, the Monday after Thanksgiving, right up until we go on Christmas break, and it's my favorite time of year, except when I have to play mine. Oh, yeah, because yours is a real good one, too. I'm just glad I'm getting mine out of the way. You know what, though? If we have a different audience later, L.O.B., maybe we should do it over. Yeah, we'll hit it again. I can leave. It's like when Woods and Jay leave when we do the news bit. I have a question for you. Yes. Is there any difference this year in the embarrassment level than there was last year? I'm more braced for it. You're more braced. I'm more braced for it. However, it sounds worse in my ears than I could have ever remembered. This is lovemaking music. Oh, yeah, big time.
I wonder this, too. With the volume, he's like... So bad. Guy's a professional musician. That's what he does. It's what he does. He has no boss. He doesn't have a time card. Self-employed. Guitar player, songwriter. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Uh-oh. Oh, gosh. That's the provocative part. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. You know what I'm saying, new boyfriend. Better than I remember. No. It's better than I remember. Solid gold. Let me see your face. You creep. It's better. It's so embarrassing.
Oh, that still stands true. It still stands. That's a change there. You monsters. Isn't it enough? Isn't it enough? She's giving you everything she's got. You don't have to rub it in. It's so much better. It's so much better. She's a human. She's in the restroom. I mean, it was recording. It's true. Jay should be banned from playing sound effects. L.O.B., did that feel like Stairway to Heaven to you, like a 15-minute song? Yeah, well, it was. When it ended, all we know for a fact is that she went, God damn, I killed that. And I understand what she means, like the wanting to get it over with. Oh, yeah. If the roommates walked in. If they walked in. You're done. They're going to go, hey, we need to have a house meeting, and you're out. Like, you're freaking out. Guys, I heard.
I walked in on her. Plus, we had a dog, and I was afraid the dog was going to be like... Oh, here she comes. Hey, Lauren, how you doing? I'm fine. What are you guys talking about? Why are we there? What are we doing there? Santa honey. Santa honey. Oh, so sultry. Oh, gosh. Dripping. And such a push. Yeah. Like, it just is a... It's a different time. It's a guttural. It's a guttural. You know what it is? It's a primal. I was in my 20s. Santa, honey. Oh, my God. Santa cutie. Santa cutie. Ew. It's a pervert. Yeah, you're a sex pervert. Santa, honey. Ew. How old were you? 26. Just a...
Blonde, blue-eyed, 26-year-old, sexual pervert. New relationship. Santa, honey. Ew. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it says, I will make sex to you. Oh, I'm going to eat you up, pal. I'm going to get you. Get ready. Yeah, I'm going to get you, and I may send you to the hospital. And you know how you want proof? You want evidence? You want exhibit A? Santa. Honey. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to tie you up. I'm going to tie you up. I'm going to tie you up in Christmas ribbons. Santa. Honey. I'm going to tie you up. Yeah, I'm not just going to tie you up. I'm tying you up with ribbons. I'm going to unwrap you like a prick. Hey, everybody. We're all going to get laid. Santa. Honey. No. Oh, yeah. You hear that. Santa. Why is it? Honey. Honey. Why did I do it? Why am I? Because you wanted him to know beyond a shadow of a doubt. Hey, LLB. Yeah. How about a gift card? I did get plenty of gifts. I just went numb. I bet you did. This was the topper. That is number one. This was the topper. This was the...
Hey, remember when you thought you had gotten all your presents from me? Oh, gosh. Guess what? Check your inbox. Here's an extra taste. He's probably like, ooh, there's a nudie. She sent me a nudie picture? Ooh, it's an attachment. It's an attachment. Download. What's this? Oh, wow. What? No. Oh, wow, wow, wow. I've never heard this version. That couldn't be my new girl. No. This can't be her. Is this her? Wait, let me call a friend of mine over. No, no. Hey, Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. What are you listening to in there, son? My new girlfriend, apparently. No, it's not. Is that Lauren? Yep. That's Lauren? Uh-huh. She's got a good voice. But why is she being so perverted to my son? Santa. Honey. Oh. That's my son you're talking about. Santa.
Do you know, he said, who is that? What? That was his response. Oh. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I did not know that. Yeah. That's a new Christmas present. He starts listening and goes, who is that? And she had to do the indignity. She had to do the indignity of saying, well, it's me. It's me. Were you on the phone with him when he listened to it for the first time? I had to hang up. Oh, gosh, gosh, gosh. I couldn't hear it through the phone. Oh, yeah. Trim my Christmas tree. Real good. Real good. You naughty. You naughty. You naughty. Those are the words in the song. I didn't make them up. No, you inflected them. Oh, big time. Yes. I picture her with a glass of whiskey and a cigarette. Yes, yes, yes. Trim my Christmas tree. Oh, gosh. Just to make sure she sent an email after and she's like, You know what I mean by trim my Christmas tree, don't you? I was lonely. Don't you? And she underlined and highlighted and italicized and bolded. Don't you? It's magical. By trim my Christmas tree, Matt. Well, I'm not going to say it, but all I will say to you is I've got some shears. Yeah. Yes.
To trim the Christmas tree. Do your work. You guys just remember that you're up next. Oh, yeah. That's why I'm going full bore. That's why I'm going full bore. Get it out of your system. You might as well. She's not going to hold back. She gets me so good in mine. Can't wait to cut like a knife. Oh, she is going to. That means we got to give it all. We got to give it to Gusto. Yep. Like you did, L.O.B. Santa. Honey. Yes. That's my voice. Santa. Honey. Ew. She's now burying her head in her arms. The vein. The vein. We got the vein. We got the vein. Beat red. The vein is out. Art. Isolate. I'm never going to have to shave or wax again. Not needed. Stuttering. That's not what I said. You get off that plane. Virginia. Shut up. So hard. She's dying right now. She's dying. We may not make it home. All right, Ella B., we're done. Thank you, God. We're done. We're done. Oh, my God. Who's next? You. You know what we should have done from the very beginning is we should have put our names in a hat and just pulled it. Like you're thinking. Why is it so bright in here? Oh, my God. Listen, that was really a lot of fun, but now that I'm done, I'm terrified.
Yep, you're next, my friend. I know it. Oh, she's sitting on that thing over there. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, it's so good. Caressing it. You can go easy on me. No way. We don't need to do that. These are from 1993. And one sloppy Josh from San Diego. Are you there? Yeah. What's up, Mikey? What's going on? Man, I'm sitting here waiting for work to start with my brother. Dude, we're plumbers. And, oh, my gosh, dude, that's a baby song, dude. That is hot. That's right, dude. That is right. Thank you. That's sexy. That's right it is. It's hot. See, he liked it. Hey, M1 Sloppy Josh, let me tell you, as soon as you said that, she put the papers over her face. She's blushing so red. Are you sweating? Yep. Is she sweating? Yes. Something is pounding. I don't know where it's coming from. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Well, I love you guys. You guys have a wonderful show, and I can't wait to hear more. Thank you very much. If you're just tuning in, we do the Mikey Show Unmentionables the Monday after Thanksgiving. I can't wait to get to Woods and Jay. Oh, boy.
But first, we'll have to go to yours. Right. Your 1993 letters. You want to explain? Oh, my God. They are. So I don't have to. They are. I don't want the indignity of having to explain it myself. They're unbelievable. Can I say who they're both addressed to? Yes. Catherine. Dear old Catherine. Hello, Catherine. Mikey's pen pal lover. Yeah, not so much, really, because a pen pal would reciprocate. Yes. You know what I mean? That's how the pen pal works. She wrote me letters. A lover would love that. Right. Right. A lover might make sex to you. Maybe even French kiss you. Crush, who now has a restraining order. Now, I believe if memory serves, L.O.B., I believe she works at a record store. Is that right? I believe that's what happened. And Mike used to frequent that record store. Yes, I believe he even brought in a mixtape or two. Just to say. Fine Van Halen Records real good in there. And fell in love with a girl in the record store. Which is just an old, you know, it's an old standard bit. It's like an 80s tune. Yeah. It's like High Fidelity, the movie. And then. And Mikey was very large. Yes. Very overweight. Large. I'm going to try to paint a picture of you, of Mike for the audience. Yeah. You had hair then, right? He had a mullet. He had a mullet. And Mike with hair.
Is real creepy. It's real creepy. He didn't have to say anything. If you see a picture with my human hair, know that he was a creep. He was a, were you an alcoholic then? No. I was a foodaholic. Foodaholic. Did you have a perm in this era? Or was it just the suspenders and stuff? Yeah. They were in style. Where was this? Like an upside down parachute. Well, this was in New York? Rochester. Rochester, New York. It's cold. I walked into a record store. I saw this girl that worked at the counter. She actually helped me. Right. And checked me out. Did you have Van Halen 1984 on CD? That probably was sad. These are from April and July of 1993. Oh, my God. So it was a saga. Yeah. I moved, by the way, in March of 93. Oh. I was writing her from afar. Well, and what he wants to do with the gist of these letters is really just let her know, basically, you know, his philosophies on life and love. Some about how cool she is. Yeah, just what's in his heart, really, is what came through. And then there's poems. There are poems.
And I delight in narrating them. Yes, they are. She sure does. It adds to the humiliation factor. It really adds to the humiliation factor. So when we get back, Ella B. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, baby Jesus, for our friend Mike. Ella B. will read that when we get back. Oh, I can't wait. Let your voice be heard on The Mikey Show now. You've got to go. Call 570-1949. Here comes the best part. Or shoot him a text at 949mikey at gmail.com. You guys care about the rules? More of The Mikey Show coming up in minutes. Celebrate. On FM 94.9. Hey, gang, it's your old pal, Woodsy. I've got to tell you about the FM 94.9 Pigskin Pick'em. It is awesome. We have teamed up with Expressly Gourmet, and you can show off your football smarts and win some really cool stuff. If you pick the most right against Mikey, Hillary, me, and the rest of the FM 94.9 jocks, you can score a $50 gift certificate to Expressly Gourmet. What they'll do, they bring restaurants from all over San Diego right to your door. Check out expresslygourmet.com for yourself. Think about it. You get to go head-to-head with me, Hanson, Mikey, Hillary, and show us what you've got, okay?
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Maybe they can take me back. I hope it's not too late to get to a better state. State Farm. Don't put yourself in a state you'll regret. Call 1-877-249-7993 today. Okay, what do you say we break for lunch? That sounds good. What do you want? I'll go pick it up. Uh, I don't care. I got like three bucks. Hey, how about a W? The new double cheeseburger from Wendy's. Uh, yeah, sure, whatever. What? If that's your attitude, you're not getting a W. Wait, what's your problem? No problem. But if you're happy just throwing anything down your throat, the W is too good for you. If you say so. Look, can you appreciate that Wendy's makes your W so it's hot and juicy? Well, I... Oh, so you don't like signature sauce, awesome things, and a butter-toasted bun. Oh, yeah, maybe. See there? Maybe. Maybe? I don't even know you anymore. The new W double cheeseburger from Wendy's. Double beef, double cheese, and what's doubly amazing? Right now, it's just $2.99. Try one today at Participating Wendy's.
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Simple things like replacing your air filter, changing worn-out spark plugs, and using fuel injector cleaner can add up to better fuel economy and big savings. There's an O'Reilly Auto Parts store close to you that has the name brands, low prices, and people who can help. Restore lost fuel economy and eliminate rough idle with Lucas Fuel Injector Cleaner on sale for $4.99 at O'Reilly Auto Parts. Lucas Fuel Injector Cleaner quickly cleans clogged injectors to increase fuel efficiency and help your vehicle run smooth. Lucas Fuel Injector Cleaner $4.99 at O'Reilly Auto Parts. This report, it's brought to you by Applebee's. Come see what's sizzling at your neighborhood Applebee's. Try new sizzling entrees like new double barrel whiskey sirloin, sizzling Cajun steak and shrimp, and sizzling queso chicken today. all at your neighborhood Applebee's. Well, let's see what we got going on here. Lots of slowing in different spots. You're going to have to take your time to work today. The 67 southbound Mapleview Street to Wintergarden Boulevard. Actually, you know what? All the way down to about the 52 westbound. You've got delays in that whole area. A couple incidents. The 5 North passed West Bay Marina Way in accident, tying things up. And then there's another one here on the 54 westbound.
right before Highland Avenue. Looks like they've got tow trucks on the way. Some backup as you travel on the 15 southbound from Market Street to Ocean View Boulevard. This report also brought to you by Navy Federal Credit Union. Spend freely. Navy Federal's everyday checking comes with a free debit card, zero monthly service fees. Visit NavyFederal.org for details. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. Mikey. Everybody freaks out about guns and stuff. I don't freak out about them because my brother, I grew up around them. My brother had them the whole time I was growing up, so I don't freak out about guns. I like them. Woods. I flooded an entire Hampton Inn. Lauren. I used to be really into the Grateful Dead. Fantastic. And like the knob chomp of. And Jay. I don't want to miss somebody calling this like, hey, let's go serve. Or let's go do something. Oh, Jay, shut up. This is the Mikey Show. Can you believe it? On FM 94.9. What? That's right. I didn't... Did I start in the middle? I don't think I did. No, you just... I don't know why it reset. Should be on number four. Did I... What did I play going into the break? This. I did? Yes, you know that. I didn't know. But I've never done that. It's the first time I've ever done that, so... It's weird. It's fine. Nice up-tempo record. I'll get you back, dude. I'll get you right back. Yes, so me. It's my fault.
Our newsboy has got some headlines. I do indeed. Carl's bad woman, missing Carl's bad woman was found. Kathleen Scarbarth's body was found. The cause of death was strangulation. Her ex-boyfriend Michael David Robles, 43, was arrested, kidnapping and killing her. Oh, my God. Hey, my wife's good friend knows her. That's so sad. Knew her and went to school with her. Survived by her 13-year-old daughter. I saw the flyers all over town. I was hoping she'd be found. Terrible story. She had a restraining order against him. Creep, dude. Insane. That's so sad. Woodsy, what's going on in sports? I'm going to fill you in on the latest with Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh in a second. But first, I wanted to tell you that sports is brought to us today by our friends at Dave and Buster's Eat, Drink, Play Football. Well, if you watched football on Thanksgiving, you saw something that was very disturbing, and that was in the Detroit Lions-Green Bay Packers game. Ndamukong Suh holds down one of the...
Green Bay Packers offensive lineman slams his head three times into the turf. Oh, gosh. He had his helmet on, but still. Then he stands up and he stomps him on the arm. And so that was disturbing. More disturbing was after the game when they asked him about it. He got ejected. Yeah. And he said, no, I was just trying to get my balance, et cetera, et cetera. This guy, he's delusional. And he said, listen, I know what I did. The man upstairs knows what I did, and that's the only thing that matters. Oh, wow. He really doesn't think he did anything wrong. Well, he is more than likely going to be. suspended for two games. He is quickly earning the reputation as the league's dirtiest player. Oh, wow. That's crazy. You guys want to play 60 Minutes audio? No. That's not what we're here to do. Today is the day that we do the Mikey Show Unmentionables. Oh, yeah. Nicole has the biggest smile on her face right now. She is so ready for this. Yeah. I asked her, I said, you haven't heard any of this, have you? And she said, no. I said, brace yourself. Gosh, gosh, gosh. I was 324 pounds. Oh, my God. You didn't want to just round up to 325? 325. Hey. Five foot. I'm not taking that pound. Five foot. Six. That pound is really important. 5'6", 324. That pound is so important to me. If I was 325.
That would be hideous. It's ridiculous. 5'6", 3'24", black mullet. The look of the day, according to Mike, the suspender look was really in because of Wall Street, which was out 10 years before that. I didn't wear suspenders to keep my pants up. No. Yeah, because they look cool. You know who they look cool on? Gordon Gekko. And Bud Fox from Wall Street. They looked real cool on those guys. Not so much on Rerun. Not so much. This is difficult times for me. Oh, yeah. So Mike walked into a record store one day, and he's checking out albums, and he sees behind the counter a beautiful, beautiful young lady named Catherine. Yes, I did. What did Catherine look like, Mike? She had brown hair. She... She had brown hair. It was long brown hair. Busty? Busty gal? Busty gal. She'd go by Catherine and she'd go by Kate. And you decided you were going to call her? She went by Catherine. Okay. And she worked there at the Sam Goody or whatever. It was actually an independently owned record store. Indie store. Of course. Plebe. Because you love independent music. Yes. So. Help me. You walk in and you take a fancy to her immediately. Yes. A thing of beauty.
Yes. The angels were singing. There's a light around her. Did you quote unquote hit on her? I tried to be funny. Did you mention that you were on the radio in town? No, I've never been that guy, honestly. Too bad. Yeah, I've never been that guy. Might have helped. Maybe, but I've never known how to say that and sound normal saying it. Right. Okay, so you strike up a conversation? Yes. Were you out of breath? Yeah, did you walk there or did you take a bus? That's an important part of the story. We know you didn't ride a bike. I drove. You drove there. Okay, so he wasn't sweaty or anything. So you strike up a conversation and then you leave there and the Cupid's arrow has hit you in the back. Yes. And you go home and you're like, gosh darn. What can I do about this? What can I do about it? Well, clearly I can't ask her out. So you made her a take. But I need her.
You got to have it. You got to have it. Taste it. Yeah. And so, how will I achieve this? You made her a tape. I made her a tape. And you dropped it off. Was she working? I went to the studio, back at the station, and I made her a mixed tape, and I talked, and I was funny. And you talked over the song? Yeah. Okay. Do you remember anything that was on the tape? King of Wishful Thinking by Go West was on that. How ironic. Yeah, King of Wishful Thinking. First one over the back. Sank my battleship. Sank my battleship. Sank my battleship. Sank my battleship. You didn't even need any narrative there. Bring out the heavy armament. Wow. LB just kicks that door in. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Maybe the line of the year. Oh, my God. How ironic. That may be the line of the decade. How ironic. Oh, gosh. Okay. So you give her the tape. Any response?
I went there, and she wasn't working that day, and I thanked my lucky stars that she was. It's a drop-off. Yes. And I will say this. I was funny on there. Okay. So you did let her know that you were on the radio. This is so hard to do. Yeah. You did let her know you were on the radio. Because otherwise, how would you have had access to that equipment? I told her on the tape that that's what I did. Okay. Because on the tape, I told her about myself. Did you leave your number? Yes. A picture. Did she call? Yes. Did you say? She called. Yeah, that's how I know her. Okay. Hi, my name is Mike. What was your opening line to let her know who you were? I'm sure it was hi, Catherine. I would give a year's salary for that tape. And I mean, I'm not kidding. I would find, I'd take a loan out. I would take a loan out. L.O.B., it'd be worth it. You know it'd be worth it. Well, anyway, let's get down to business. So they started corresponding. Yes. By they, I mean Mike, started corresponding via letter. Yeah, he was old-fashioned. Now, just so you know, when she talked to me on the phone, I sounded like this. Right. You did the bit. You did the radio voice. You stuck with the bit, just in case she was a listener. Olivia, I should say you dive right into that letter. Oh, I would say we go chronologically. Oh, is this first? Yes. Oh, mine's first. Okay.
So we established the kind of relationship they started. These are copies of letters that Mike wrote to his friend that worked at Sam Goody, Catherine. Catherine. Read faster. You got me thinking about Madonna today, and I was blasting Express Yourself in my truck. Oh, my gosh. I can't do it. I can't do this. Then right into this segue. Yes, Mike. I can't do this. I had to do it. So you want to know what pisses me off? Oh, gosh. Here's some stuff for starters. Colon. People who go 55 or 60 in the fast lane. Easy, Gallagher. No one's ever made that observation before. Can't see. Is that Jerry Seinfeld over there? Oh, my gosh. People who are rude to waiters or waitresses. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. To waiters or waitress. Oh, yep. The whole thing in Waco and lying. Yeah, lying. I thought that was clever, by the way. Yeah, I want her to know that I'm worldly. Yeah. No, I thought that was funny. Yeah. I thought it was funny. Hysterical. Oh. Not necessarily in that order. Other than that, I'm pretty pleasant, too. And yes, I'm living with my folks and my brother. Oh, my God, Mike. My other brothers live in Tucson! With an exclamation point. Why the exclamation point? Yeah, I don't know. I haven't done the stand-up comedy yet. I need about seven more minutes worth of material.
When do I need to write you at home? How about some more questions? Maybe Afrika can help out. That was her friend. She probably knows you as well as you do. You are really a babe, by the way. Just in case I hadn't mentioned that in my last letter. Here's where it gets real good. Our friend Mike is very inquisitive. You're not leaving enough pauses. Oh, wait, I'm getting to the good part. He's very inquisitive, right? Yes. Very. He asks questions, and in his mind, I know him. He's sitting there, and he's writing this letter, and he goes, you know what? This girl's really hot, and she's probably dated some real good-looking jerks in her day. I'm going to show her that, listen, not all guys are the same, okay? Some guys can be sweet and funny and inquisitive. They want to know about you. And some guys will come right out and say, you are really a babe, by the way. Right, yeah. By the way. Okay. Here we go. Number one. Tell me something about yourself that not a lot of people know or that you think would surprise me. Like, I don't know. Maybe you can speak Vietnamese. This is like an assignment from a seventh grade English teacher. She gets this. She's like, great. She's like, great. I guess I'm not going out tonight. Number one. All right. Number two. What is your favorite time of day? Morning, noon, or night? What was that? Why?
My God. It's going to tell me a lot about you. Here we go. Number three. What is your favorite Madonna song? Why are you so on the Madonna kick? She likes Madonna. Oh, my God. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Number four. Oh. Weird. You're seven. Number five. Oh, God. Ready? Oh, no. Ready for this? Oh, no. Are you ready for this? Oh, no. Oh, he slips it in real good. Number five. Why didn't you go to the movie with me? Oh. The questions one through four were simply there. Right. And then L.O.B. number six. Wow. How old is your niece and what is her name? Oh, he acted like he didn't want to end with that one. Right. You want to throw that in there in the middle. He's like, I care about kids and your life. And then the brilliance of question number seven. Oh. How sly was question number five. Oh, gosh. Call back. Call back.
Not slight. Not slight at all. Very obvious. Okay. Enough questions. What are you going to do when you get out of school in the day? That's another question. Hey, you have the bear on your desk? I sent her a bear. Oh. Does he have a name? Yet another question. If not, then I think that it is appropriate to give him one. If he has no name, then from now on, his name. Is Bill. Bill the Bear. No reason. No reason at all. No reason at all for that name. But what the hell? Bill. Say it with me, Catherine. Bill. Oh, my God. Oh, gosh. Okay, Catherine. Four pages is way too damn long for me. Tough guy. My fingers are swelling. Write soon, Mike. How dare you. How dare you.
That was the first letter. Don't blame the pen. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well. No. No. It gets better. No. It gets so much better. And our saga continues because correspondence. I'm going to have to take my sweatshirt off of this. Oh, my gosh, dude. It carried over into July. Oh. Why do we do this tradition? No. Why do we do this? The first line is lighter than the rest of the letter. Change pens. Catherine, can I have a pen that works? Geez. Is that too much to ask? I'm praying for a trip from the pen fairy. Oh, my God. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Poor girl. This one's better. Today was one jillion degrees. It's still hot and it's midnight. Lately, I have been thinking a lot. By the way, if I seem to ramble, it's only because it's very late and I'm a bit goofy. Read drunk. So I've been thinking about what? You, period. Life, period. Me, period. My family, period.
Love, period. Money, period. Oh, my God. Happiness, period. Oh, bad words. Bad words. Now, all of these things that Mike just broke down, all seven items, he's going to number them. He's a big fan of the numbering list in his letters. And he's going to elaborate. Number one, you. You are special and are obviously in my life for a reason. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Number two, life. Life is carefully timed and balanced. Oh, my God. Tests to see if we're worthy of heaven. Oh, gosh. Where life really takes place anyway. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. I feel new. Something's ever changed, Mike. My hands are sweating. Might as well be. My hands are sweating. Oh, my gosh. I'm completely exposed. Wait for this one. This one will get you. Number three, me.
He's a very wise man. He sums it up in one sentence. I'm special too. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Please end. Please. Okay, moving on. Number four, my family. My family is my core. They are my full glass. Without them, I am empty. Oh, my gosh. Sweet. They're my core. Hey, look at me. I'm so well balanced. Wait a minute, though. Let's get to the part that really applies to her. Number five, love. Love is the only time selfishness carries any positiveness.
I'm not sure that's a word. It is also the thickest. My hands are dripping sweat. It's also the thickest emotion I have. Oh, gosh. Besides hunger. Yeah, at that point. Drunk and stupid. There's no way to relax. Oh, wow. Number six, money. My destiny. Period. Period. The word period is written out. Oh, God. I'm going to let her know. Listen. I'm going to provide for you, okay? Lest you think I'm going to be. Lest you think I'm not going to. Just never stop it. Oh, my gosh. Happiness. I'm not really sure yet, but I know I can't really share it, what I think it means, that is. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Such a poet. Then it won't come true. Such a poet. Please, please. So, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Anyway, that's what I've been thinking. I also thought a lot about you and the dry cleaner guy. Easy porno. Did you say a threesome or what? Oh, gosh, gosh. I mean, what I figured is I'm cool that if you are. What does that mean? I've never done it, but I'm willing to try if I get to see you make it. Oh, wow. It gets worse. Actually, I thought about you and all the guys you told me about. Whoa. And how you said you have to have the a-holes before you have the real thing.
Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, God. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Mike, you want to hide? Oh, God. Yes. Mike. No, no, no. Well, I believe that I am, if not the real thing, a real thing type of guy. Oh, God. Do you know what I mean? No. You silly selfish. No. No. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Wake up. Wake up. Here he is. Here he is. Wake up. You're dreaming. He's on his knees now. Oh, gosh. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm good for you. Don't let me go. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's late, and I'm goofy, all right? No, no. No, no. No. No. No. Where's my picture? My friends have never seen you, and I'm dying to show them what a babe you are. Oh, my God. And now for a change of subject. He didn't say that. That's my insertion. How about some late night poetry? Please, no. Come on, man. Come on. It's almost over. Oh, no, it's not. No, it's not even. We're on page two. It's 722. Okay. Now.
I would like the audience to know that this poem is untitled. However, not for lack of trying. You see, there was a title here on the top. And Mike, he scribbled it out. I think it looks like a short word. Maybe love? Yeah. It looks like an F is the first word. FYI. Civil War soldiers didn't write this long a letter to their families when they were on the battlefields of Shiloh. This is so awful. The Pony Express never saw such long... Okay. Settle in. Here we go. This is the best part. The novel It was shorter. Can I get some more volume on this music here? We're going to need to. Okay. Through hours of night and hundreds of miles, sleeps one of the warmest, softest smiles. Those miles are empty and full of regret for leaving a face I will never forget. Thank God for the memories that I never made. That pain is expensive. Believe me, I've paid. It's better to picture your face to your voice. From miles away, I don't have a choice.
It's melodramatic and full of despair, but that's what I feel, so I really don't care. I remember this. That's it. Nicole is dying. Oh, yeah. She can't take it. She can't take it. Okay, that's the end of the poem, but it's certainly not the end of the letter. Certainly not. No. You see, Mike says, does it suck? It's the best I can do at 12, 18 a.m. That was the problem. I like to write. So, how's your little stinker? Whoa. That was her dog. No, that was her niece, her niece, her niece. Totally different meaning. I almost don't want to read the next sentence because I want people to just think she called her niece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's your little stinker? Pet names are pet names.
I had an aneurysm. Oh, God. Shake off your knees. Mikey, that's so... N-N-C. I'm not sure we can say that. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Hey, listen. Listen. Believe me. I've paid. I'm sweating. I've paid. Oh, my gosh. Be a part of the Mikey Show now. Text up 949mikey at gmail.com or call Mikey now, 570-1949. More coming up on FM 94.9. 33 years ago, we had a simple idea. Make the best vehicles in America and once a year offer them with special savings. Today, it's a phenomenon. Toyota-thon is back. Now's the time to get an incredible deal on the Toyota you've been waiting for.
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Hey, Woodsy. Hi, Ella B. How you doing? I am well. You know, the holidays are almost here, and I've treated myself to something, and I kind of want to let everybody else in on it. It's the Ovation Cell Therapy Holiday Gift Set. This is a good idea for friends, family members. Absolutely. And you know what is a great stocking stuffer this year is the Men's Max Pack. I got to tell you, I've been using it. It's almost back to where I need it to be, and Ovation is only going to help it. It smells and feels. So good on your hair. How great does my hair look? Oh, your hair looks great. It's perfect. I've been using it like crazy. You know, at first you were telling me about it. Then I saw my wife using it and I saw what was happening with her hair. And I said, man, I got to get in on this. So, guys, you should get one for yourself and maybe a buddy of yours. Absolutely. Brother. Dad, brother. There you go. Coworker. Yeah. So log on to OvationHair.com and enter FM949 at checkout. And you're going to get a special introductory discount. That's OvationHair.com. And remember to enter FM949 at checkout for a special introductory discount. An AT&T phone or tablet is the perfect gift. And the AT&T holiday sale is the best time to get one. I mean.
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This report, it's brought to you by Mossy Nissan. Mossy Nissan will pay you cash for your car, bring it in, get an honest, fair, written offer today. Call 888-50-MOSSY or go to any of their six convenient locations. Well, lots of stuff going on, a hit and run, no injuries though on the 52 westbound right before Mass Boulevard. Another incident on the 8 westbound past the 15 north. A problem here on the 805 northbound at the 8 East, an accident. And then we've got some issues here on the 54 westbound before Highland. It's an accident, but they do have tow trucks on the way. This report also brought to you by Sharp. For health care the way it should be, make sure your health insurance plan lets you choose Sharp. Call 1-800-82-SHARP or you can visit sharp.com. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. It's time for the FM 94.9 Authentic Surf Report. Good morning to you. It's Bird Surfshed with the FM 94.9 Authentic Surf Report for a Monday morning. This is brought to you by Bird Surfshed, which has the largest selection of used and new equipment in town. So check it out for your surfboard needs, that's for sure. Today, under nice sunny skies and a little bit of wind, we've got a decreased west-northwesterly swell primarily out in the water, secondary south. Kind of out there as well, but really not much to speak of in regards to that direction. The big news is there's supposed to be a fill-in later in the day of a new wester.
So that could actually gradually add to the small surf we're seeing this morning. Running in that needlewaist high zone on average right now, maybe a few pluses. Once again, heading into a higher tide around 1030, so that's backing down quite a few places. Peace breaks looking to be your best bet now if that swell fills in as expected and as that tide drops out, as it will do, look for the reef breaks to improve some this afternoon. Once again, a beautiful morning, just kind of small. For up-to-the-minute surf reports, forecasts, go to surfline.com, and for all your surfboard repair or restoration needs, go see Joe Roper down on Marina Boulevard and tell him Bird sent you. The authentic surf report can be heard three times daily right here on FM 94.9. This has been the FM 94.9 Authentic Surf Report. I've never been so happy. And now back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. It bothers me that I don't know how to be. Woods. That's why I don't eat that. funk cheese that you eat. I eat Kraft American singles. Lauren. My obsession with black men came from Bill Cosby. You did it? Yeah. And Jay. Man, if I could just be a home dad on FM 94.9. That is home. That was... Hey, believe me, you've paid, buddy. Yes. How dare you? You've paid real good. Oh, wow. Real deep. Okay. If you're just tuning in, today is the day that we have open season. Unmentionables.
The unmentionables are all the things that are so embarrassing to us that we cannot talk about them throughout the year. We have to have a season. Like hunting. Yeah. The season runs from the day after, the Monday after Thanksgiving, right up until Christmas break. So far we've heard L.O.B. singing Santa Baby. Santa. Honey. Oh. Yeah. And I just endured. 25 minutes of the most mortifying and humiliating. And it continued off the air. Oh, yeah. It didn't stop. Straight up. You ever ask questions? You're very inquisitive. You ever give somebody a Riddler? Yeah, a Riddler. Yeah, you're the Riddler. Hey, Woods, speaking of asking questions. Yeah, that's true, actually. Let's listen to the best question asker of them all.
Now, now we get to Woods. Here we go. We sent Woods out on an assignment. That's the best. And the assignment was go out and interview people. What was it about, Woods? I don't even remember. Me neither. You don't either. This is something that they wanted in their Christmas. One that they wanted for Christmas. Christmas. So Woods went out and a young girl came up. I love you! He came up to her. He approached her. Picked her out of the crowd, as a matter of fact. Yes, he did. Now, the interesting thing to note is that he'd interviewed a lot of people that day. Now, when he interviewed the guys, it sounded like this. He'd go, hey, how you doing, man? How are you? Hey, can I ask you a couple questions? But when he interviewed young girls. You sound different. Okay, hey, what's your name? Taylor. Taylor. One of my favorite names. Ah. Now, I have to tell you.
That when he interviewed men, his voice took on a low register. But when he talked to Taylor, one of his favorite names. One of his favorite names. One of his favorite names. When he talked to Taylor, he went into what I call twilight mode. He became Edward Cullen. Yes. You know, he wanted to... Sound hip. Yep. What do you want for Christmas this year? Be honest. What? What? Diana. What? You silly, naughty girl. You silly goose. You silly goose. Keep in mind, Taylor's one of my favorite names. Yeah. You better not fib. Yeah. Or I'll know. And also, Santa won't bring you something good this year. Yeah. You still believe in Santa, right? Yeah, you do, right? Like, do you have a boyfriend? Like. Like. Like. Like. Gosh, I forgot about this. I forgot about like. Like. Do you have a boyfriend? Like.
Like, oh my God. Like, do you have a boyfriend? Like, do you have a boyfriend? Like, I have a paper route. Like, do you like older men? I'm not a man, I'm a guy. And by older men, I mean like in their 30s, like mid, like mid 30s. Like, do you like guitar? Because I play. Yeah. I could like buy beer. Yeah. Like, do you like cars? Because I've got two. Yeah. Do you like dogs? Let's stop it. And from the top. Okay, hey, what's your name? Taylor. Taylor. One of my favorite names. Did that work in the bar once? Be honest. Like, do you have a boyfriend? I have a few. You have a few boyfriends. Oh, God. Would you like another? You have a few boyfriends. You have a few boyfriends. You have a few boyfriends. You have never before or after said the word boyfriend.
Like that. Buffet. Buffet. Yeah, a few buffets. Different buffets. You're a bad girl. Hey, what's your name? Stop playing from the top. Taylor. One of my favorite names. What do you want for Christmas this year? Be honest. What? Like, do you have a boyfriend? I have a few. You have a few boyfriends. What are you going to ask your few boyfriends for Christmas? Yeah. What are you going to ask these so-called... Few boyfriends. Few boyfriends. Do you need another one? Well, the one in Australia, I want a kangaroo, but he thinks... And I also want a Malibu dream house. Woods, how come you didn't ask her how many she was? Yeah. I miss many. She was cutting her food, so she was fair game. Yeah. It's a true story. I had grassland infield. But you really want a kangaroo. Kangaroo. Kangaroo. Kangaroo. You're on a kangaroo. Why? You really want a kangaroo. But you really want a kangaroo. That, by the way, kangaroo is not spelled with two O's at the end. It's spelled R-U-H. Kangaroo. That's right. It's kangaroo. Woods was twirling his hair and his gum. Yeah. Woods. Kangaroo. Woods. Shut up. Look at me. Nope. Look at me. Nope. You gotta look at me. I'm twirling my long hair. I have a pencil. Kangaroo. I have a pencil because I'm in third period. And I'm twirling my hair and my pencil. Nice stems.
Hi. Okay. What about from your American boyfriend? Smarmy. Smarmy. Sexual pervert. Sexual pervert. Chris Hansen. Chris Hansen is like, you are a pervert. Sit down. He's in the background. He's in the wings. What about from your Californian boyfriend that you just met that's currently talking to you? I can't control my horny level. We can tell. I want a shopping spree. A whole spree. That's it. That's it. Spree. A whole as opposed to a half spree. Oh, it hurts. A whole spree. Oh, my gosh. You're crazy. So crazy. Oh, my gosh. You spree glutton. Yes. Speaking of, do you like sprees, the candy? Yeah. Hey, do you ever wear a spree? is he lives in New York, and I kind of want him to fly me to New York and then take me shopping. All the way in New York. Pretty small wish. What would you want in your stocking? A pervert. What? You sexual deviant. I'm disgusted. What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Stocking? Say it. Say it. Say condoms. Please say condoms. Say something naughty.
Say something gross. Say lube. What do you want in your sock? Say it. What do you want in your sock? Just like things I need like deodorant and toothpaste. Deodorant. What if he gave you a stocking full of deodorant? What if he gave me a stocking full of deodorant? What would you do? What would you do? She is so weird. What would you do? I'm going to tickle you. I'm going to tickle you. I'm on Facebook. Are you on Facebook? Are you on Facebook? Can I even find me? Tweet. Hugs. I'll fuck you. As long as it came with the shopping spree. I hate buying that stuff. I live on my own. Okay. You do? Manila. Oh my gosh, I bet it gets cold in there. Is this an apartment? An apartment? You still live in your house? I'm open. And toilet paper. And toilet paper. And toilet paper. And toilet paper. And toilet paper. Who is this, a teenager? You're a twilight. You're a twilight. You're a tweed. Why do I have a waffle shirt on? I'm dying right now. You're sweating.
You sexual pervert. Topic, man. Have a Merry Christmas. What is my problem? Isolate. Isolate. Isolate. Yeah. Have a Merry Christmas. Have a Merry Christmas. Have a Merry Christmas. Have a Merry Christmas. It's way worse than I remembered. Do you write Xmas on your binder? Me too. Yeah, peachy folder. You're a pervert. It's 63 seconds of bliss. Do you think Quanta's funny? It's torture. Let me tell you something. As great as that is, it's not as good as his other one, which we're also going to treat you to. But before we do that, let's enjoy 63 seconds. No! All the way through. Hey, what's your name? Taylor. Taylor. One of my favorite names. What? Be honest. Like, do you have a boyfriend? Like, like, like. I have a few. You have a few boyfriends. What are you going to ask your few boyfriends for Christmas? Oh, my gosh. Well, the one in Australia, I want a kangaroo, but he thinks I'm joking. But you really want a kangaroo. A kangaroo. Oh, my gosh. What about from your American boyfriend? I want a shopping spree. A whole spree. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. And I kind of want him to fly me to New York and then take me shopping. Pretty small wish.
Which one in your stocking? What a creep. Just like things I need, like deodorant and toothpaste. Deodorant. What if he gave you a stocking full of deodorant? Giggle, giggle. As long as it came with the shopping spree. I hate buying that stuff. I live on my own. Okay. And toilet paper. And toilet paper. Have a Merry Christmas. Meanwhile, she's got to go back to cheerleading practice. She's 21. I bet you didn't. What if you covered your kangaroo and telepepper? You have a bunch of boyfriends. You have any Californian boyfriends? Yeah. I'm Texas. You ever did a Texas boy? I have this boyfriend. What about a Yankees boyfriend? You have a Yankees boyfriend. I like the Yankees. Do you like baseball players? Send me from me. I don't either. It's okay. So, who would you ever do that? What do you like better, Harry Potter or Twilight? I like whatever you like. I like whatever you like. Do you matter or do you sparkle and sun? What kind of lip gloss is that? Can I taste it? I want to get it. I want to get it. I want to get it. I want to get it. I want to get it. I want to get it. I want to get it. Put it on me. Pucker. Pucker. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Gosh darn double whammy.
Some things never change. No, no, they don't. No, they do not. And now we will read a letter that Woods wrote to his girlfriend. He had just moved away. He had just moved away, and he was living in Connecticut, which must have seemed like a world away. Oh, you moved to Texas. That's from Texas. You met her in Connecticut. Yes, moved away. Then you moved away. Junior year. You were 16. Yes. How old was the girl? 14, 15. 14. Oh, wow. 14, 15. So you're an older man. Yeah. Pervert. Yep. Death has changed. That's fair enough. So this was a letter that he wrote. Yeah. And it's dated July the 6th, 1992. Just the year before your letters, Mike. That's right. By the way, we do have this in common.
Like to share the time, apparently, because under July 6, 1992, Woods was careful to note that it was 1.36, not to be confused with 1.35, 1.36 a.m. Wow. Yep, slept late. Temp equals 88 degrees. Ah, setting the mood. Yes. Dear sweetie. Oh, boy. Sweetie. Hey, bud, what's up? A romancer. Nothing here. I didn't go out tonight. I just lifted some weights and swam and stuff. In the other room right now, Nicole just dropped her jaw and made a face like, nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. 35. 36. 37. 38. Feel the burn. Oh, yeah. Deep burn. That's nice, says you. Oh.
Putting words in her mouth. Feels real good. Are you thinking about me? I'm thinking about you. Why does this sound just like Mike? I know. Yeah. My birthday is in 13 days. Oh, wow. Still counting days. You better send me something. Yeah. Thank you. I'm not making this next part up. I'm weak. I'm weak. He says, you better send me something. And then he says, a tape you made me or something. The Iron Age. You guys are birds of a feather. Yeah. Queens of a feather. We still eat together. Flamingos of a feather. It's hot in here. Tell me your birthday because you never told me a straight answer. Good grammar. This is exactly good grammar. Now, her name was Erica, right? Yes. But you had a nickname for her. I sure did. We know that because the next paragraph says, hey, Eureka. Clever. I know, very. Do you ever think...
We'll see each other again. Again? I have to pronounce it that way because how else could you pronounce a sentence like that? I mean, it says again, but really it should be read. Do you ever think that we'll see each other again? Oh, wow. I hope so. I really do miss you, I swear. Or else what are we fighting for? Yes. What is this? All that we've built. Oh, God. Oh, it hurts. Holy S, he says. Oh, man. Holy S, I'm going to marry you, Erica Crane. And that's a promise. Kill me. Kill me. She's not your current wife. Not your current wife. Editor's note. Editor's note. He was 16 years of age. He was 16. She was 14. Desperate to get in your pants. Listen, it sounds like it's almost as if this is the script. From a soap opera? Yes. I'm going to marry you, Erica Crane. That's a promise. And that's a promise. Because Erica Cain is a character from All My Children. That's true. So this was Erica Crane. Right now, I can't believe I'm going to do what I'm about to do. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. He's down on one knee. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's T-bowing. I'll do anything. Anything you want. Oh, no. I'll do another fryer cut. Oh, no. This is so good. This is so good. He says, I've never.
showed anyone. You guys are like... I've never shown anyone or told anyone about these. And you are to be the first to read my poetry. Oh, kill me. That's what he says to all the girls. That's true. I like the phrasing. You are to be the first. You are to be the first. You are to be the first. Very grandiose. Yes. Did you write that? He wrote it with a quill. Yes. A quill and some ink. You are to be the first. Oh, my God. Not the second. Please don't laugh or show these to anyone. Too late. Here's a good one I wrote tonight. Oh, God, no. Please don't. Here's a good one I wrote tonight while I was thinking of you. It's called... Untitled. It's called Untitled. I'm letting people know that it's called Untitled because our phone screener is dying laughing. Nicole is dying laughing. She hasn't heard any of these. Yes. This piece of poetry is not titled, but he was careful to note that it's called Untitled and then underlined it. He is an artist. Yes. Oh, no. Don't do it. I'm begging you.
That's my friend. I'm begging you. Too late. If you're driving, I want you to take that seatbelt and I want you to tighten it. Yeah. Because what you're about to experience is going to knock your freaking socks off. This is Woods, 16 years of age. Oh, God. Riding to his girlfriend from across the country. Yep. Spanning miles and miles of desolate highway that separated the two of them. And here goes. Oh, please. Awake, wonderful one who makes me smile. Oh. Awake. Awake. Awake. Awake. Oh, no. No. Wonderful one who makes me smile. Oh, I can't. I can't. I can't. It's so much longer. Thanks. When you look upon me, I am satisfied. Very grandiose. When you look upon me. Wow. I am satisfied. Oh, God. I say. Oh, can't see too well. Is that King Arthur over there? Yeah.
When you look upon me, I am satisfied. I am satisfied, woman. Yes. For you have satisfied me. Oh, my God. You ready for this next line? Yes. L.O.B., I am positive you forgot this next line. The breath of your mouth. Oh, my God. Oh, I've not forgotten that. This is my favorite line. The breath of your mouth is the fragrance of flowers in the morning. Yep. Wow. Very specific. Yeah. Oh, it's so hot. You filthy nerd. The breath of your mouth. Your mouth. So hot. Flowers in the morn. I should have gone with morn. When you're beside me. Oh, God. My heart sings. A branch it is. Dancing. This is a 16-year-old talking about a 14-year-old. FYI. When you're beside me, my heart sings, a branch it is. Dancing. A branch it is. Dancing. A branch it is. Dancing. Say that again. When you frown upon me, my heart goes dark. Then with your smiles comes the sun and makes all to look like gold. Ah, it's a glorious day. Yes. The sun.
Eureka has smiled upon me. I am the earth. You are the rain. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. And now I will do the most cruel thing. I will make you wait through this commercial break to hear the rest of this delicious poem. You know the difference, though? Yeah. I actually saw my naked pal. That's fine. That's fine, Woods. That's fine because... When you're beside me, my heart sings. Hey, believe me. I've paid, all right? A branch it is. Oh, God. Dancing. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. It came off a little good. Oh, just wait for the conclusion of this book. Pop it in. The Mikey Show. Turn it on. Go now. Be a part of the Mikey Show now. Call 570-1949. Or text 949-MIKEY at G.
This is The Mikey Show. More coming up on FM 94.9. Only five days to go. The FM 94.9 Holiday Hootenanny. Presented by Coors Light. Join us this Saturday night for an epic evening of music. With My Morning Jacket. Featuring Two Door Cinema Club. Matt and Kim. Delta Spirit. And the Blackout Party. Tickets are on sale now. Get yours at tickets.com, the Jenny Craig Pavilion box office on the USD campus, or FM949SD.com. The FM949 Holiday Hootenanny 2011 is presented by Coors Light and supported by Spy Optic. Join us this Saturday night for an epic evening of music with FM949. It's the Lexus How-To Guide for giving a Lexus. Step 1. Visit your Lexus dealer to find the perfect gift at the perfect price for the perfect person. Step two, buy a big red bow. Step three, hold your phone up to the radio and hit record now. There, you have everything. The Lexus, the bow, and the song. It's the Lexus December to Remember sales event, going on now for a limited time.
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Filth. As filthy as it can get. And Jay. I've got bees in my attic right now. On FM 94.9. You're listening to The Mikey Show. I'm Mikey. That's Woods. That's L-O-B. That's Jay. Screening phones is Nicole. Who has really been getting a kick out of what giant douchebags we are. You guys are. Oh, we'll get to you. You disgusting. You. Disgusting, incestuous creep. Creeper. Disgusting. You disgust me. Now, when we last left you, we were reading Woods' poem. By the way, you're tuning in today, the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's a day that we do the Mikey Show on Speakables where we talk about things that we cannot talk about except during the period of time where they are in season. We have a ban on them for the rest of the year.
The reason that we do is because it's too embarrassing. We can't bear the weight of it. Yes. It's so embarrassing. We were just out in the little common area talking about what giant douchebags we are. Yes. Very similar in that manner. Definitely. Yes. Definitely. So Woods wrote an untitled poem. Yes, called Untitled. He was 16. He was writing it to his 14-year-old girlfriend because he had moved from Connecticut to Texas. So let's, well, first let's recap you. Awake, wonderful one who makes me smile. Start over. When you look upon me, I am satisfied. Am I? The breath of your mouth is the fragrance of flowers in the morning. When you're beside me, my heart sings. A branch it is dancing. A branch. A branch. A branch. A branch it is, dancing. Oh. When you frown upon me, my heart goes dark. Maybe leave out the weird stuff. Yes. The upon. The dour. Yes. When you frown upon me, my heart goes dark. And I stunk. Then with your smiles comes the sun.
And makes all to look like gore. One smiles. Even the sky. Oh, God. But I lose the way of smiling when you are not near. That's right. I think he might be gay. Can I just quickly insert a line from your poem, Mike? This reminded me. Through hours of night and hundreds of miles, sleeps one of the warmest, softest smiles. Guys, big players with the smiles, I guess. Apparently smiles mean a lot to us. We better have to smile. Everyone smiles, even the sky. But I lose the way of smiling. You are not near. So that's the end of the poem. But then he says to Erica, who he calls Eureka, he says to her. That's what most creeps say. Yeah.
Did you like that? After they defile someone. Did you like that? Did you like that? It was just insecure. Mike wrote, did that suck? Yeah. Did that suck? Dude. Did you like that? Two fat peas in a pod. Did that suck? Did you like that? Please, please, like me. Please like me. Please like me. Affirm me, please. Tell me that it's great. Tell me it's the most beautiful thing you've ever read. Tell me it made... Everything worth living for. You quivered when you read it. You guys are. Tell me you peed. You became incontinent when you read it. You couldn't handle yourself. I won't even be turned off. Yeah, I won't be turned off. I'll consider it a compliment that you now have to wear an adult diaper because of my poetry. Please. He says, did you like that? I wrote it for you. Weird. Lest she think you wrote it for another girl and passed it on to her. Just inserted it in her letter. Right. I think about you always. Oh, God. Always. So dramatic. I think about you always. Always. Instead of I always think about you. Yes, or all the time. Oh, God. This is the worst. This is the worst. If by worst, you mean...
Oh, this is the worst. Let me tell you something. I'm going to make a bold statement. If somebody gave me the choice, and the choice was, Mike, Cinnabon for the rest of your life on the house. Oh, wait a minute. Or getting to read this every Monday, this last line, this last line, which is now infamous, by the way, has been put on T-shirts by our listeners. And I'm not kidding. I would choose this. The last line says, Remember, Eureka, you fly above my head while I dream every night. And here it comes. Nope. Take me to your heart, for I'll run there. I got a booty. Take me to your heart, for I'll run there. Some Tylenol. I'm really gay. There's nothing really you have to say about that.
Just the two of them just flop. Wow. Frolicking. Yes. In a field, just running to her heart. Freaking Edward Cullen's like, dude, what's up with that? Yeah. Woods is just running from Texas to Connecticut. Yeah. Eureka! Eureka! There is thine heart! Where are you, Erica Green? Wood just lost his spit water out of his mouth. Wood just spit water out of his mouth. I'm soaked. Oh, my God. That got me. That got me. Take me to your heart for a run there. I've texted Woods that very line a hundred times. You and everybody else with my phone number. And then he finishes it with, I love you.
Yes, I once penned a novel. Yes. Really? Well, why do we not know about it? Well, I've kept it under wraps all these years. Well, without going too far into it, what was the gist, Mr. Woods? The gist, young man? The gist was, take me to your heart. The gist. If I got that letter as a 15-year-old girl, I'd be like... Dad, you need to read this. Good thing this guy lives in Texas now. It worked. Sitting across from me in the interrogation room. That's him. They're like, yeah. It doesn't matter what the crime is. They pull him because of this letter. They put the letter in front of him. They're like, huh. Take me to your heart for I'll run there, huh? Yeah. Is that right, Mr. Woods? Yep. That is right. You wrote that. Yeah, I did. I was a young kid.
Perfect. Listening to Cure a lot. You fly above my head while I dream every night. It's like a metaphor or like a simile. Yep. You know? It's like she wasn't really there, but I wasn't on any hallucinogens. Even the Cure thinks that's sappy. Yeah. I thought about her a lot. Awake, wonderful one. Oh, God bless. Makes me smile. When you look upon me, I am satisfied. The breath of your fragrance flows. But when you fall upon me, my heart. Just imagine he's above her bed. Floating. Floating. Yeah. Sitting in a chair in her room. Yeah. She screams. Awake! I'm up. I'm up. Wonderful. Yeah, I'm here. I'm here. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Yes. Jeez, you're screaming. Then with your smile comes the sun.
And makes... I'm actually surprised that I didn't mention something about the morning dew. That was for the next poem. Yeah. Everyone smiles. You have to point to... You have to put your right arm up in the air. And you have to fan it. Everyone smiles. Even the sky. Even the sky. But I... I, you see... Who's that guy that's on Star Trek Next Gen? Patrick, uh... Patrick, the bald guy. Yes, the bald guy. I lose the way of smiling.
When you are not near. This is like Macbeth, bro. I know. I think that's what he was going for. Yes. Like, I pictured the Shakespearean outfit. Ruffled. Ruffled. Out on a stage. Big floppy hat. It's summertime. It's the park somewhere. People drinking Chardonnay. Yeah, they're drinking Chardonnay. People are cutting cheese for one another, you know. Eating figs. Eating figs. Yes, and the guy walks out on stage. He comes out. On his tiptoes. It's the ballet. Oh, wait! He rings a triangle first. Yes! Bing! Oh, my gosh. Everyone, shh. Quiet, you guys. You rang the triangle. Quiet. I think we're about to start. Hang on. All right, here we go. Awake! Wonderful one. Who makes me smile. When you look upon me. The breath of your mouth. Fragrances, huh? It's almost when I read it, I think to myself, a director would have to do read after read after read to find the right actor. Yeah, to get the right pitch and the right... Because you've got to embody it, you know? Presentation. And the director would be like...
talking to his assistant director afterwards, and he would say, we can't have that one guy. He didn't get the... This is Woods we're talking about. He's reading Woods here. You can't just take a Woods poem and just throw it away this way. It's classic Woods. It's classic Woods. Woods? Yeah. That's one of my favorites. Oh my gosh. Of all time. It would... Not surprised me because you often like things that are your style. You just got it. That was the gold. Give me the gold. I want the gold. You got it. You guys are more alike than different. Yeah. Yes. In more ways than one. Easy, Etta. Santa, honey. I was just doing an imitation. There's more than one pervert. Very clean edit there, you guys.
Don't turn this on me. Oh, you're next, buddy. Oh, yeah. We are about to. You're next, Jay. It's a short story. It's a short story. It's a short story. Yeah. But a very hillbilly-esque story. It's not my fault, though. Well. It's basically your style. Yes. Yeah. It's your bit. You see. It embodies. It embodies the creepiness that is Jay. It was one of the most brilliant things. And by the way, you can call us 570-1949. There's one of the most brilliant things Woods ever did. Yes. He had his laptop open. Now, you've got to understand, Woods' back is to Jay. Right. And Jay sits in another room separated by glass. Now. It's got to be at least, I mean, at least 15 feet away. At least. I mean. Right. 10, 15 feet. Yeah. I mean, someone that had laser eye surgery such as Jay surely couldn't see very far. Absolutely. Not on a laptop. And so Woods had his laptop open, and Woods says to me and L.O.B., watch this. Monster. Monster. And he's got a picture of a young woman on his laptop. Something he does quite often. Yes. All the time. He's always got women on his laptop. To get Jay's attention. Shut up. I do not. All the time. He was actually hoping to infuriate Jay. Yes. Now. Now. Jay.
Being the sexual deviant that he is. That is true. Took a look and saw a gorgeous girl. Stunning. Amazing. Beautiful girl. If he were a cartoon character, he'd be like the wolf whose eyes. Mauga. Yeah. Mauga. Shoot right out of his head. And let me tell you, it only took him a quarter of a second to leap out of that chair. And you could see. Giant smile. And he's like, I gotta see this. I could see the outline, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ran right out of my shoes. Yeah, he left his shoes in there. He jumped right out of them. What Woods didn't tell Jay was that the photograph on his computer was Jay's daughter. His young 20-something-year-old daughter. Stop it. Stop it. 22, I believe. 22 years. Right up his alley. Oh, yeah. Right in his wheelhouse. Right in the wheelhouse. Yeah, I had seen across my news feed that his daughter Maddie had done. Sure, that's how you found it. It is. Had done some very beautiful, provocative. Exotic. She's in a bikini. Exotic pictures? Yeah, they're not provocative. They're provocative. Oh, no. Yeah.
She's wearing a bikini. Yeah. Yeah. Provocative. She's not being provocative. No. They're provocative pictures. They're revealing photos. Yes. And Jay said, ooh, one moment, please. I'll be right in to dine. He leapt out of his face. And when he realized that he had gotten got. There was actually a sound effect that accompanied me. Yes, you forget. When he leaned over my shoulder, the first thing he said was... What did he say? Maybe like a foot and a half distance? Yeah, about a foot and a half away. Before he knew. The first thing we all heard was... Daddy lie. Gross. No, literally. No, really. Daddy lie. Daddy lie. Gross. Yeah. Holy cow. When he saw that it was his daughter... You could see a spring pop in his head. It actually broke in my back. Yeah, it was a game of aneurysm. He threw my back out. Yeah, he threw his back out. I felt really bad for him at the time. I did not. I didn't. I fell on the bean bag. He threw his back out. Yeah, he threw his back out. And I couldn't move from it. Spasmed. All I remember was that Jay was like, we ain't talking about this. Oh, yes, we are. Yeah, we are. Tomorrow. Oh, yes, we are talking about this.
Let's go back to talk about you guys. So we are only allowed to talk about this during this period. That's how mortifying it was. For our friend Jay. M1 Scotty from Carlsbad. Hi. Hi, how you doing? How you doing? Pretty good. What's happening? I think that you need, need, and by need, I mean you need to be reading Wood's poem in Christopher Walken's voice. Nah. We got Craig Gass. Yeah. That's a great idea, though. Oh, yeah. Awake. Wonderful one. Who makes me smile. When you look upon me, I'm satisfied. The breath of your mouth.
It's a fragrance of flowers. When you're beside me, my heart sings. A branch is dancing. When you frown upon me, my heart goes dark. Then with your smiles comes the sun. Makes all to look like gold. Everyone smiles in the sky. But I lose a way of smiling. Not me. That all pales in comparison to Take Me to Your Heart for All Run There. I don't know why I didn't feel the need to include that in the poem. Because that was your closing. That was the closing. You were like, I got to end the letter with the biggest gun I got. It's a 100 mile an hour fastball. Well, that's the deal. When you write Take Me to Your Heart for All Run There, that is Barry Bonds in complete stretch. Yeah. And he's just watching it. Yeah. Flying into the upper deck. And he knows. Listen.
That's the record setter. It's freaking gone. That's it. Out of the park. I just want to open the phone lines. Which, I mean, what if you had to choose? It's like your kids. Yeah. I can't choose. They're all so delicious. 570-1949. Call us. Talk to us. Give us your feedback. We want to know. What do you think of this day? Do you enjoy this day or should we hang it up? Maybe we just say. Let's hang it up. Yeah, let's hang it up. I think we've finished. They've run their course. Maybe we say, hey, look, how can you keep beating a dead horse? You know what I mean? Tired of the poem. Yeah. 570-1949. The Mikey Show now. Call 570-1949. At 949mikey at gmail.com. More from The Mikey Show coming up on FM 94.9. This is the FM 94.9. Supported by our friends at Sports Chalet. What's up there, sparkly leftover eater?
It's Hillary with some shows for you to go check out. Like Wednesday night at the Casbah, Super Suckers, The Blasters, and Low Bolts. How you doing? Blackheart Procession play there at Friday night. And Saturday night, of course, is the FM 94.9 Holiday Hoonanny at Jenny Craig Pavilion at USD. My Morning Jacket, headlining with a full set. Tudor Cinema Club will play. Matt and Kim, Delta Spirit, Blackout Party, and the FM 94.9 Station Band. On the 6th, you can see Peter Murphy and... and she wants revenge at the belly up. Brunch with Bob presents Lee Scratch Perry at 4th and Beyond the Night. The Adolescents and Youth Brigade hit brick by brick on the 10th, and on the 12th at the Cow Spot, it is that rescheduled Boxer Rebellion show. Still to come, Dinosaur Jr. with Henry Rollins, Pinback, No Effects, Wilco, Young the Giant, and Craig Finn of The Hold Steady solo at the Casbah next year. So there you have it. Get out there and see some shows. For more concert info, check out the FM 94.9 concert calendar online at FM949SD.com. Mama Dietz here, chairman of Dietz & Watson. It's the holidays. Things can get stressful.
Especially when you're a host. Well, guess what? You can relax. That's right. Relax. It's the holidays. Because Dietz & Watson has been preparing your holiday party since 1939. Four generations. 72 years. Working on your 2011 holiday party. Our party trays and holiday hams don't have artificial flavor. They don't have additives. Those things weren't around in 1939. And at Dietz & Watson, they still aren't. So relax. Unless your holiday ham or party tray isn't from Dietz & Watson. In that case, start freaking out, hon. Insist on Dietz & Watson at your favorite market and deli. And happy hosting days to you and yours. We may not be able to lower the cost of gas, but we can do something about how many miles you will drive per gallon. Stop by your local O'Reilly Auto Parts store today and let us help you increase the performance of your car or truck. Simple things like replacing your air filter.
changing worn-out spark plugs, and using fuel injector cleaner can add up to better fuel economy and big savings. There's an O'Reilly Auto Parts store close to you that has the name brands, low prices, and people who can help. Restore lost fuel economy and eliminate rough idle with Lucas Fuel Injector Cleaner on sale for $4.99 at O'Reilly Auto Parts. Lucas Fuel Injector Cleaner quickly cleans clogged injectors to increase fuel efficiency and help your vehicle run smooth. Lucas Fuel Injector Cleaner $4.99 at O'Reilly Auto Parts, the official auto parts store of now. 33 years ago, we had a simple idea. Make the best vehicles in America, and once a year, offer them with special savings. Today, it's a phenomenon. Toyota-thon is back. Now's the time to get an incredible deal on the Toyota you've been waiting for. Toyota-thon's the one place you'll see the reinvented 2012 Camry with higher rated MPG, 10 standard airbags, and an average MSRP lower than last year's model. No wonder it received a 2012 Kelley Blue Books KBB.com award for best resale value. And while you're there, see the newest member of the Prius family, the Prius V, with more cargo volume than 80% of small SUVs. Others have tried to copy it.
But in the end, there's only one. Toyota-thon. The biggest and best sales event of the year is going on now. Hurry to your Toyota dealer today. Vehicle's projected resale value is specific to 2012 model year. For more information, visit kellybluebookskbb.com. Kelly Blue Book is a registered trademark with Kelly Blue Book Company, Inc. Cargo volume claim based on manufacturer's data for cargo volume behind second row seats. NY 2011 small SUV segment. This fall, Warren Miller's Like There's No Tomorrow will bring you on a global tour of the perfect winter. Adjust your gear. Take a deep breath. and shred, launch, spin, charge like there's no tomorrow. Join Warren Miller cinematographer Tom Day as he shoots his first 800-inch California winter and captures incredible powder turns laid down in Squaw Valley by Johnny Mosley, J.T. Holmes, Michelle Parker, and more. India, Chile, New Zealand, Norway, it's all here. So get out there and buy tickets like there's no tomorrow because tickets are on sale now. Check warrenmiller.com for details. FM 94.9 welcomes Warren Miller's Like There's No Tomorrow to the San Diego area this week with screenings in La Jolla, Carlsbad, and Encinitas. Ticket holders get buy one, get one free lift ticket offers to Heavenly and Mountain High and $25 off at Sports Chalet. Get your tickets at ticketfly.com, select Sports Chalet stores, and at theater box offices. Check warrenmiller.com for more information.
Nissan presents the most wonderful sale of the year. Hurry in for great offers and big savings only during this special holiday sales event. Visit ChooseNissan.com or your local Nissan dealer today. What's two plus two plus two? Four. Because at Denny's, for just $4, you get two fluffy buttermilk pancakes, two eggs cooked to order, and two pieces of sizzling bacon or sausage. Yeah, we're open to new math. Start your day with a $4 everyday value slam from our 2468 value menu. Only at Denny's. America's Diner is always open. Prices and participation may vary. This report is brought to you by USS Midway Museum. It's a party for lots and toys for tots aboard the USS Midway Museum. Join them for Family Day, December 3rd, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. For info, go to www.midway.org. Well, we've got an accident that has cleared on the 805 northbound at the 905. We don't have an accident there. They've cleared it.
So there's no longer an accident. But you've got some slowing as a result. The 8 westbound at Rosecrans Street, an accident on the right shoulder. That one's still there. It's three cars piled up together. 15 southbound at Market Street, a car right into the center divider. And the 8 westbound in La Mesa at Fletcher Parkway, there's an accident there blocking the left lane. This report also brought to you by Jerome's Furniture. Jerome's Furniture, Jerry's price means no gimmicks, just pure value every day. And with same-day delivery, you can purchase by 6 p.m. Have it home. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. Tell me, what did the world look like to you when you first opened your eyes? Back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. The reason I've never been comfortable around kids, I'm always petrified they're going to go, you're short and fat. You don't skimp on hair products. You don't skimp on haircuts. You don't skip on DJs, designer jeans, and you don't skip on your teeth. Lauren. Yep, I admit when I'm wrong. And Jay. They will eat my edamame if I leave it out too long. On FM 94.9. 570-1949 is our phone number. We got M1 Lifeguard from Coronado on the line. Hi, dude. Hi. How's it going, Mikey? Good. I just wanted to call and let you guys know that there's no way that you should give this up. It's like my favorite time of year. I specifically requested to work the morning shift.
just so that I had an excuse to listen to you guys. I'll tell you what. I will tell you what. I love it, and I lived it. And, you know, even though we've experienced it before, I still love reliving all of these. I don't like it when it's my turn up and that. It's like a fine wine. It is. Believe me, you paid. You paid. I did. I wrote that. Believe me. I think that what makes it so good is... how much you each hate your own. Oh, yeah. Oh, dude. We discussed ourselves. I want to beat myself up. If I could go back and find that 16-year-old Stephen Woods and teach him right then, hey, being a loof jerk, it's going to work better than being this Mr. Romantic John Keats. I wish that I could go back in time and say to myself, dude, just don't. Just don't. Because years from now, there's going to be a girl. named Lauren, and she's going to laugh. And this guy Woods that you're going to, you haven't met him yet, but he will laugh. Oh, he's going to get you. And there's going to be a phone screener that you have named Nicole, and she's going to laugh. Mike, it's easier to name the people that wouldn't laugh. Yeah, yeah. Deaf people. Deaf people. And even their laughing. Yes. And translated for them. That's right. Somebody translated it, they're like, he's that bad? He's that bad. He's that bad. Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, there you go.
Happy birthday, M1s. Yeah, seriously. I lost three pounds of sweat. Yes. Gosh. Can't tell. I wish I'd never opened my mouth. Good for old me. I think you found it. Yeah. It's around your neck. Oh, God. Jay, I think you gained three pounds when you saw that picture of your daughter. Yeah. Oh, my. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Six to midnight, real good. I think you. I think he gained six ounces. Yeah. Hey, y'all. He doesn't have anything. Hey, but that's six solid ounces. Yeah. I'll show it to you. Will you? You know I will. Yeah, we know we will. Man, I know we will. You need the picture first to help you? No. No, Lauren. Why don't you go back in the bathroom and sing a little bit more? 570-1949. Everybody's a little on edge today. M1 HM Rojas is on the line from Costa Rica.
Hi, HM. Hi, guys. Oh, this is so uncomfortable, and I love it so much. It's the skeeviest thing. It's the skeeviest. I read on Facebook, you got a creep letter recently? Yeah, I went to the beach, and this guy who owned the bar, he was an American, and he found me on Facebook, and he ended up sending me, like, a couple letters. Okay, so they were, like, way more creepy than yours, okay? Because he was, like, a foot fetish. Were they sexual? He was a foot fetish. Did you hear that? Seriously, I threw my computer out the window, and I hid under the covers for the next week. Oh, my gosh. He told you that? Yeah. It's uncomfortable. I didn't know he was looking at my feet the whole time. Was it Rex Ryan? Yeah, no kidding. You have nice feet. You creep, Jay. Of course he's noticed. Of course he's noticed. What, y'all? Come on. Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying. I love you! I'm not trying to say I'm into feet. I'm just saying, you know, if I used to make a website, I'd ask you. Just don't touch the guy. Hey, look, if you're going to wear sandals in here, it's like wearing a low-cut shirt. That's right. You want me to see them. Oh, you just, oh, look at you, little devil.
Look at you, you hussy. You want me to lick those sandals, don't you? Putting your toes all out there for the world. Yeah, I'll paint it. Just get a nice pee. I just don't like to touch. You like to lick. I like to lick. I don't like to touch. I like to lick. I don't like to touch. I like to look. And I'm going to be honest with you. All right, everybody, I'm going to stop joking. I'm going to stop messing around. It's serious time. All the cards on the table. I mean, I'm exposed myself. Yes. Again? Two meetings. I love to touch. I love to touch so much. Touching, touching, touching. As I said, the first one's free, the next one goes in your way. Oh my gosh, I got a cold and the only cure is rub-a-touching. I go to the touch museum, I just touch it. Touch and touch and touch. Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch. Y'all remember Scratch and Sniff? My sticker's just touch and touch. You know that song, I Touch Myself? I just replace anything with myself. It's an easy top-changing name of it. I'm just looking for some touch. I say hello to my downtown. I'm just looking for some touch. Thank you, H.M. Rojas. Thank you. We love you.
She's dying. Thank you, HM. She can't talk. Oh, this is a good day. I love when we get to play these back. It's so fun. Except when it's mine. My face hurts. Well, it's time that we kind of go back because we've got a whole new audience. We could just move on. Yeah, just move on. We have a whole schedule ahead of us. We've got a bunch of stuff to do. Yeah, there's stuff that needs to get done. We at least have to do this. Oh, yeah. I'm in on that. We at least have to do this. Cleanse the palate. Yes, cleanse the palate. Imagine sitting in the audience. This is at a church, right? Yes. It was at a church. Guy got up in a brown sweater. Holding your kids' hands, just thankful for the moment. Yeah, Christmas night, probably. This guy was up there in a brown sweater and dockers. Uh-oh. Hi, Mike. Where's he from, hon? He's from Ireland. He's a deacon. No, he's Jim. He's a deacon. Oh, that's Jim.
Goodness, I didn't know he could sing. I guess he can't. He's all right. What's weary? He probably has a speech impediment. I'll ask Jay. I love this part. Is he a comedian? He's doing a bit. I think this is very disrespectful. I don't think he's kidding. He's crying. Why does he have the microphone in his mouth? Because I think he's trying to get volume on it. He's feeling it. She got sick. Barbara's sick. She got sick? Yeah, she got sick. He lost his wife, Barbara? No. Maybe that's why you see her. Barbara usually does this song. Oh, okay. It's the best we could do. I thought it was clear. It's just a late-minute fill-in. This is where all my money goes in the basket. In the basket. Is he sipping wine? Oh.
He broke the mic. He didn't hurt himself. You guys, he's really crying. Why is he holding his nose? He's really crying. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. He's on his knees. Uh-oh. I think he might be tone deaf. I think so. Maybe that's the deal. I think he just might be deaf. I think he just went potty. Yeah. There's a cat in the church. Uh-oh. Oh, wow. He's doing the Foo Fighters. Wow. I am not kidding you. If I'd been there, I'd have given this guy a standing... I would have stood up. Can you imagine you and I in the audience? Oh, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's just clutching the baby Jesus. Yes, he's clutching. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Why? Go for it. Why? You have to. You know what I would do? Take it down. Take it down.
Good choice. Why then? Why then? You know what I would do to my wife to get her? I know exactly what would get her. I would mime a handkerchief. Like you're crying. Rebecca would die. If I dabbed my eyes, she would go and lose it. I would have to run out of the church. But when it was done, I... Slow. Start slow. What were the conversations like? You know when church ends and a lot of the members will visit with each other? What was that like? This is my evaluation. I believe that there was absolutely zero discussion about it right after because everybody's sort of in shock. You're sort of in shock. You may have been pinching your brother next to you wondering if it was real. But as soon as you exit the doors, And I mean as soon as the night air touches your face. Cold. Yes, you're hit with that cold. You're walking in the car. Yep. What was that? Singing. Was that serious? Was that for real? Now, were there any conversations with him? Was he like this? Was he like, oh, man, I just didn't have it tonight. I blew it. And people were like, no, no. No, 100%. I think he thought he nailed it. No, there's no way. Little old ladies were coming up to him going, oh, that was so sweet. There's no way.
I believe his wife was standing, you know, curtain side, and he walked up to her and he went, I blew it on that last part. Yeah. I didn't laugh, man. I just shanked that last part. Where he changed the key, he's like, I think I shanked that last part. No, no. Everyone was crying. It was really... Did you think anyone noticed that I had to change keys? No. It was moving. I had to change key, though. I think you only noticed because you're a musician. I know it, but still. We didn't notice. I have perfect pitch, and I sometimes take that for granted. I didn't hear it. I just, I don't know. You're being too hard on yourself. I think I blew it. I think I blew it. You know what I'm going to do? I'll ask Darren for a copy. I know he... Well, I mean, I think it's always good to just critique yourself. And I know, you know, he always runs video. You're overthinking it, babe. I could be. But at the same time, you know, I want to do this again next year. And, you know, you can only learn. Let's look at it next year. Let's just enjoy the holiday. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. You know me, babe. I'm a perfectionist. Let's get out of here. I've got to talk to Darren. Come on. Darren. You're ruining Christmas.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Callahan with Oh, Holy Night. Take it away, Jim. He's emoting. Question, question, question, question. I want to know, because this is obviously church production and the whole thing. I want to know this. How was it positioned? Maybe I sing. How was that positioned? Maybe I sing. Maybe he's usually like the organ player. Right. And when Barbara was out sick, he was like, I'll do it. I know all the words. I know all the words. Can you sing? Yes, I can sing. Yes, I can sing. I can sing. I got this. I think I'm like an angel. I'm telling you, I got this. What about instrumental? What do we do? We can play this track.
Just lay the track down before. Oh, you know what you're doing, I guess. I'm a CD player, yeah. You're the sound guy here. Yeah. Mary, why don't we go on YouTube and get them the music or something? Just pipe it in through the PA. Do you need a monitor? Nope. So if we play it through just the regular... The earpiece? The earpiece. Okay. Wait, sorry. I'm sorry. Somebody was yelling at me. I need an earpiece. Okay. And a microphone. Yeah. What does it need? Earpiece. Your piece. Speech impediments, they usually go away when people sing. I got it. Like Mel Tillis. Like a British accent. Mel Tillis. Stephen Jenkins from Third Eye Blind. That's true. That's true. A lot of people don't even know him. He had a lip. Well, that's fine. Tracy Chapman. No, she's a shredder. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Will you be okay with all the people watching? No, of course. You will. Because a lot of people freeze up. He's fine. Stop freaking him out. Now you're getting in my head. I don't want to get in your head. You're making me nervous. I trust you, Jim. You've been the sound guy here for 13 years. That's right. Well, then, Jim, we'll do this this way, okay? Are you ready? We will take a short intermission at about 8.10. We'll let people go get some soft drinks and stuff. Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate. Ice tea. Yeah. And then... Pepsi.
Yeah. Or anything they want to drink. They're our sponsor this year, so that'll work out good. Seven up. Pepsi is actually going to be. So do me a favor. Do me a favor. Pepsi and Squirt have sponsored this. So when you come out, the first thing I want you to do is I want you to make sure to mention our sponsors. So let's practice. Hi, I'd like to welcome. Thanks to Pepsi and Squirt. Sorry. She's getting in your head. Thank you. To pepthy and squirt. Okay, perfect. And then just launch into it. That's fine. You can do that. I hear the first line. You want the first line? Yes. Oh, hold it. That's nice. That's actually beautiful. Don't ruin it. I want to be surprised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first line was good for me. For sure. It takes a big load off of me. I still got to do like the papier-mâché manger and all that stuff. And it's good for me because... I don't want to have to find a replacement. It's good for me because he's kind of covered my butt. I didn't have a replacement for Barbara. He's stepping in. You work with the rest of the choir, the kids. Yeah. Well, the choir will sing afterwards.
You imagine that car ride home. Gosh darn it, I blew it. Gosh. Well, the good thing is, though, John, is that no one will ever know about it. Well, I wish I could just get one more shot at it, you know? Like, I wish I could just, ah, man, if I had the DeLorean, I'd get up to 88 and I'd go back and just, I really nailed it. I don't really see how you could have done anything differently. It's pretty much just your voice. I was feeling some stuff up there. You know, it's an emotional time. You know, my kids just went off to school. Here's the other thing I love about this. Here's the other thing I love about this. Is that this guy has become a worldwide sensation over singing bad. Yeah. That's brilliant. That's the worst. You don't get too much worse than that guy. That's the pinnacle of the worst. The girl that tried to help Beyonce sing. Oh, God, yes. That was bad. M1 Paul from San Diego. I need to know where I can get that song so I can live vicariously through that for the rest of the season. You can get it on iTunes. It's actually available. It's on iTunes? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That dude's making money off it now. Holy cow. Yeah, because it's his. I mean, he did it. And so he's like, hey, if people are going to play that, I'm making money off of it. Yeah. Let me see. Hang on a second. It's on the YouTubes, too. And I will tell you, if you go online, let me tell you the guy's name.
If you go online, search for Steve Malden. And Malden is spelled M-A-U-L-D-I-N. And it's called Funny Oh Holy Night. I am tingling. It's the greatest. It is the greatest. It is the greatest. The first time I heard it, someone sent it to me on an email. And I started to listen to the first couple of seconds. I do this regularly. People will send me things, and I instantly know, I'm not going to like this. I already make my mind up. I'm probably not going to like this. They thought it was funny. I won't. And that guy launches in, and I went, oh, my gosh. I'm in all the way. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable. Woods played it for half of his family over the break. My Aunt Kathy was rolling, dude. It is truly something else. By the way, speaking of, this person is not a bad singer. They had a bad day. The problem is they had a bad day on a national stage. If you sing the national anthem, you run through the national anthem probably hundreds of times. I mean, you have to. Because you can't forget the words. But if anybody saw the Lions and the Packers game, then they saw Lauren Aliana.
She's from American Idol. Oh, no. Okay. You don't think she's nervous at this point. Oh, my God. She stopped. Stopped. Here's the thing. She's got a beautiful voice. Beautiful voice. When you get to that thing where you go, oh, no, I can't remember. And your brain goes, oh, no, I can't remember. And then your brain goes into panic mode like you're drowning. It goes into panic mode. And it's like, what? And then somewhere way in the back of your head, this happens. I just want to remind you.
that you're being nationally televised across the world and everyone's watching. And by everyone, I mean every human being alive. Because it's Thanksgiving Day and everyone's watching, including and not limited to your entire family. Yep. Harsh. That hurt. Oh, no. Oh, she's doing great. She sounds good. She sounds so good. So proud. So proud of her. You did good, huh? You did good. Mom's crying. Big tears in the eyes. Uh-oh. That's what got her. She said it's at the twilight's last gleaming. And she said through. And that probably threw her off. And that messed her up. And she's like, oh, God, no. Wait. It's not through.
Last Glee. She stayed right on where it would have gone. I would have tapped the mic like it was broken. Oh, my gosh. This thing's not on. Can I start again? Oh, it is on? Oh, it is on. Oh, I'll just continue. Last Glee. I'll just start again. Oh. I would have died. I would have died. It would have been. How did she get through it? I don't know. I don't know. That's pretty brave. When I was watching it, I watched it when it happened live. I instantly went to her Twitter. Because I, you know, I was like, who is this? And I wanted to see what Twitter would say. So I go to Twitter and it says, watch me. I'll be singing the national anthem, you know, at the Lions game, blah, blah, blah. And then her next tweet said, oh my gosh, these little kids that are doing blah, blah, blah here in, you know, on the field are the cutest I've ever seen. And then after that, after that last tweet. Now, if she's wired anything like I am. Inconsolable. There's nothing you can say. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You can't say it's okay. Because in my head, and in her head probably, look, and as soon as somebody went to start to like comfort, I would, please. Don't. Just let me have a year. Just a year. To not hear a human's voice. She's in bed right now. Yeah. With the covers overhead. Freaking. Like I said, I just don't feel like I told him in the right way.
Oh, my God. My stomach hurts. I know. You know the other thing about it? It makes people mad. Yeah. When you mess up the national anthem, people take it personally. Yep. You know? Is that Michael Bubble? Yes. I like to call him Michael Bubble. Michael Bubble. It's your boy. It's Jay's boy, Michael Bublé. It's your boy. He got the shirt. It's Christmas time. And so he's singing on the Today Show. You better not cry. Better not part. I am telling you why. You don't like that, Woods? No. It's basically the only thing his voice was meant to do. Yeah, it's crooner. Christmas song? Yeah. It's just crooner. Hey, dude, if that guy got up, though, at the Christmas party with the karaoke machine, you would go, you too can sing. Black dude playing the drums. Noss? Noss.
He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows. Sing normal, clown. Oh, come on. Just sing normal. God. If he sang normal, he wouldn't be good. Just sing normal. I'm telling you. You liked imperfection. He's doing the Sinatra thing. Yep. You know who did the Sinatra thing? Sinatra. What, you told him to sing normal? No, because he was brilliant. Was he? No, he wasn't. No blue eyes. Get you. Yeah. He was connected. That's right. So I'm good. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I saw Mad Men for the first time. Yeah, what'd you think? Incredible. Oh, what did you see? Like the first episode? I started with the first episode. Oh, that's the best. You've seen it? It's so good. No, I mean, starting at the very beginning and knowing you have all that material to go. Yeah. It's so good. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Just Jay. Have you seen it? Oh, that's the best. No, I heard the way that they treat women in it. Oh, it was like the 50s, right? No, it was the 60s. I got to tell you, it's meant to make even men's skin crawl. Oh, yeah. Even the most chauvinistic man, it'll make your skin crawl. My sister is just like me, and she likes it even though, so I've been willing to maybe give it a try, but I'm like, I don't really feel like getting mad at a TV show. How beautiful is January freaking Jones? I don't know who who is. His wife.
The main character is with the blonde girl. I think the prettiest is the redhead. Oh, the redhead. She's so good. She is so hot. Weird that Mikey likes the redhead. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. She says, this is the whole, the show Mad Men. I know. I don't want to. I want to just do a 28-hour show right now. No. Don't go anywhere. Stay right where you are. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Call 570-1949. Or shoot him a text at 949mikey at gmail.com. I got the world by the tail. More of the Mikey Show coming up in minutes. Yeah, boy! On FM 94.9. Only five days to go. The FM 94.9 Holiday Hootenanny. Presented by Coors Light. Join us this Saturday night for an epic evening of music with my morning jacket. Wake it up! Tis the season for holiday travel.
Lucky for you, it's also time for the Ram, Dodge, Chrysler, and Jeep Big Finish event, where you'll get 0% APR financing on all Dodge models, like the Durango with best-in-class power and the Journey with an available 8.4-inch touchscreen. So no matter which Dodge vehicle you choose, you'll get to your holiday destination with your sanity in check. During the Big Finish event, lease the 2012 Dodge Challenger SXT for $278 a month for 36 months with $24.99 due at lease signing for well-qualified lessees, tax title and license extra. Financing for well-qualified buyers through Ally Financial. Not all buyers will qualify. Excludes SRT8 and AVP packages. 2012 Wards Vehicle Segmentation. EPA estimated fuel economy rear-wheel drive with available 8-speed transmission. Call 1-888-4-Dodge for lease details. Or requires a dealer contribution and lease through Ally. Residency restrictions apply. Must take retail delivery by 1130. Ram, Dodge, Chrysler, and Jeep are registered trademarks of Chrysler Group, LLC. This season, if you're getting the latest TVs, tablets, and smartphones, don't forget the internet that will help supercharge all your devices. Cox High Speed Internet. With the fastest internet in America, you could enjoy high resolution for online video, ultimate gaming, and fast uploads for sharing.
Get the speed and power you need, starting for just $14.99 a month for three months. And Cox High Speed Internet doesn't just perform, it protects. With Cox, you get advanced antivirus, anti-spyware, parental controls, and secure backup for your files. A $199 value free. So visit Cox.com today. Order online and you'll also get home networking equipment free. Supercharge all your devices this holiday with America's fastest internet from Cox. Limited time offer to new residential customers. Excludes required equipment rental taxes and other fees. Actual speeds vary. Other restrictions apply. Hey, Woodsy. Hi, Ella B. How you doing? I am well. You know, the holidays are almost here, and I've treated myself to something, and I kind of want to let everybody else in on it. It's the Ovation Cell Therapy Holiday Gift Set. This is a good idea for friends, family members. Absolutely. And you know what is a great stocking stuffer this year is the Men's Max Pack. I got to tell you, I've been using it. It's almost back to where I need it to be, and Ovation is only going to help it. It smells and feels.
So good on your hair. How great does my hair look? Oh, your hair looks great. It's perfect. I've been using it like crazy. You know, at first you were telling me about it. Then I saw my wife using it and I saw what was happening with her hair. And I said, man, I got to get in on this. So, guys, you should get one for yourself and maybe a buddy of yours. Absolutely. Brother. Dad, brother. There you go. Coworker. Yeah, so log on to OvationHair.com and enter FM949 at checkout, and you're going to get a special introductory discount. That's OvationHair.com, and remember to enter FM949 at checkout for a special introductory discount. I'm thirsty. How thirsty? Really thirsty. When's the last time you looked in the fridge? I don't know. When was the last time I went shopping? Uh, like today. You should really check it out. And grab yourself a bottle of Arrowhead brand 100% Mountain Spring water while you're in there. Why is it snoring in our refrigerator? That was Grinchmas, and that's why we're drinking Arrowhead water. Why?
Because every specially marked bottle of Arrowhead water lets you save $15 on general admission to Universal Studios Hollywood, where the whole family can play in real snow, see the celebrity tree lighting, and meet the Grinch and his dog, Max, too. Then I'm putting Arrowhead on my Grinchmas list. Save $15 on general admission to Universal Studios Hollywood when you bring a specially marked Arrowhead label to the front gate ticket booth. Offer ends 4-30-12. Restrictions apply. Visit UniversalStudiosHollywood.com slash Arrowhead for full terms and conditions. Hi, this is Jack, founder of Jack in the Box. Let's take a call. Jack, I'm kind of seeing this guy, but he only calls me at like 2 a.m. and says, hey, come over. Let's do something. Does he like seasoned curly fries? Yeah. That's a foodie call. Huh? A foodie call. You know, it's really late, you're craving something, so you and your friends hit up my drive-thru for tacos or real ice cream shakes. Oh, that's a relief. I thought it was like his booty call. His what? Booty call. Who needs boots at 2 a.m.? It's the Lexus how-to guide for giving a Lexus. Step one, visit your Lexus dealer to find the perfect gift at the perfect price for the perfect person. Step two, buy a big red bow. Step three, hold your phone up to the radio and hit record now. There, you have everything. The Lexus, the bow, and the song.
It's the Lexus December to Remember sales event going on now for a limited time. Lease the 2012 ES350 for $3.99 a month for 36 months with $34.99 due at signing. And as a gift from Lexus, we'll make your first month's payment. See your Lexus dealer in Carlsbad, El Cajon, Escondido, or San Diego. Call 1-800-USA-LEXUS for important lease offer details. Complimentary first month's payment is up to $700 through participating Lexus dealer and Lexus financial services. Not all customers will qualify. Excludes official fees, taxes, title, license, registration, and dealer charges. Offer valid in the Lexus western area only and ends January 3rd, 2012. We're celebrating Jerome's 57th anniversary with an all-new anniversary mattress that's unbeatable. With pocketed springs, perimeter foam encasement, and a comfortable European pillow top. All at my Jerry's price of just $5.99. Buy it online right now at jeromes.com. Thank you.
On the 5 northbound at the 8, there's an injury accident there in the center divider. The 15 northbound at northbound connector to the 805, there's a car stuck. And as you travel on the 8 westbound before Marina Boulevard, an accident sitting on that right shoulder. Problem here in Carlsbad on the 5 southbound Poinsettia Lane, there's a disabled car. It's got the number two lane blocked. This report also brought to you by Best Buy. Find great prices on Garmin, Magellan, TomTom portable GPS systems. Shop their huge selection at your local Best Buy store. or online at BestBuy.com. They'll ship it free every day during the holidays. I'm Stacey Cohen, FM 94.9. Hey, San Diego, a Lincoln Finance radio station. This is The Mikey Show with Mikey. When I was in high school, I never made love with a girl. Woods. That is what heaven is. In my mind, I get up to heaven and I'm like... Oh my God, it's a Krispy Kreme. Lauren. My butt doesn't go straight down. Sticks out. You know, junk in the trunk. In the trunk. And Jay. I tell you, Kim got me on the organic ketchup and then I went back to the Heinz. This is The Mikey Show on FM 94.9. Yeah. Just in the mood, you know. You know me. Word of the day is fiber.
Sometime between now and 10, I'll work that into a sentence. I'll weave it into a sentence. Caller 9, 4-packet tickets to SeaWorld. And our newsboy is Jay. And he has some headlines for us as soon as he puts his bifocals on. Remember the 67-foot finwell that we talked about last week? What's a finwell? It's what it's called. It's F-I-N. Well. It's kind of like a pinwheel, but it's a finwell. No, no, no. It's like a wishing well. It's like a wishing well, but a... Thin whale. Oh, a whale. Thin whale. Well, the good news is they were able to get it off the coast. They towed it out with a catamaran funded by Richard Branson's Virgin Atlantic Organization. Oh, wow. They had to put several tons of steel on it to sink it. They sunk it five miles off the coast, and it was going to take two years to decompose. Yes. And all these organisms will come in and eat on it. And feast on it. All the guys are really stoked about it.
I bet there will be an underwater explosion. You know why? A blurb. Gas. Gross. Yeah, there's gas inside of the whale. So at some point... I mean, whales die all the time, right? I guess they just sink, huh? That's true. Well, they figured out what killed this one. It was struck by a ship. Oh, that's sad. Hit and run. Hit and run. What if they reported it? Poor being. Urban Meyer is the... Oh, were you going to say that? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead, sports guy. I'm sorry. In the worst kept secret in sports, Urban Meyer has taken the head coaching job at Ohio State University. I'm sorry. The Ohio State University. And he will sign a seven-year, $40 million deal. It's like a knife in my heart. Because of Notre Dame? Yeah. Do they play all the time? No, but he's going to get every recruit in Ohio and the surrounding states, which Indiana is one of, and he's a beast. I mean, he's a freaking beast of a head coach. And I always had these delusions that he would go coach my bunch one day. They did lose this weekend in Michigan. Yes, they did. That's a good thing. They did. Ohio State? Yeah, they're 6-6. But, yeah, Urban Meyer will be the new head coach, and watch out for Ohio State.
I had heard about that show, Mad Men, forever. People told me about it forever. Who got you to watch it? Your brother? It was Netflix, and I saw it, and I was like, all right, I'll watch it. Because I had time. And so the first episode ever, it takes place in an advertising agency in New York City in the early 60s, when guys would drink and smoke. All day. All day. All freaking day. Smoke indoors. Smoke in an elevator. Oh, yeah. Smoke everywhere. Nobody wore seatbelts. It was a very different time. But it was also a different time for women. L.O.B. was like, yeah, I've heard that it's real sexy. Oh, my gosh. It made my jaw drop. Yeah. There was, in the opening episode, this woman says, she's working in this office building in this advertising agency. And she says to a new girl that's starting her first day of work.
And she says this to her seriously. She goes, go home, take a paper bag, cut holes in it for eyes, put the bag over your head, take off all your clothes and evaluate yourself and be honest. And she goes, I generally try to be honest. Just make sure that you know your strength and your weaknesses. That's from a woman. A woman. It's from another woman. Another woman telling her that. Right. And the sexual harassment. It's ungodly. It's crazy. And I'm like, I wonder if this is like how close to real this is. I've read articles about it and people said that, hey, from guys that worked in that industry in that time, they said it is dead on accurate. It's 100% accurate. Just the faces and the names have been changed. It's weird. They said that's exactly why people love it so much. It's so authentic. Really? It's so authentic. I mean, it does not match up with today's culture in any way, shape or form.
People smoking when they're pregnant because they don't know. Or they kind of know, but they don't really care. They don't think it's really that big of a deal. They drink a vat of scotch a day. A vat. And then they drive home. They eat dinner. They drink more scotch. They drive home, by the way, with no seatbelts. They're just cruising after a couple cocktails. Down the Long Island Expressway real good. Yeah. It's a great show, man. Yeah. I also saw every Twilight movie there is. Wow. Isolate. With my wife. Isolate. Marathon. Let's watch the marathon of Twilight. What'd you think? Nice Bieber. You're in. I know. It shocks me that any girl would like Edward Cullen. You're ridiculous. He's on a team. I know he is. That shocks me. Well, Jacob's a Mexican, so he's in on that. Yeah. Is he? He's Native American, you racist. In the movie he is, but in real life he's a Mexican, I think. I think. It was Lopez. He changed it. It was Taylor Lopez. He changed it to Lautner. He's a dark-skinned dude like Mike. Yeah. L.O.B., you read the books, right? Yes. Can I ask you something? Do you like Edward Cullen? Or do you like Jacob? In the books, I liked Edward. And I wanted Bella to just be with Edward and quit messing around. I was bored when Jacob became like the main, what do we call it? Like the main... Protagonist? Yeah. Let me tell you.
But then in real life... You watching movies? In the movies, I'm in on Jacob. You watch the movies, though? Mm-hmm. I haven't seen them all like you have. Right. Nor have I. I'm not a Twihard. Yes. You're not a... Twit. Twit. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe that there's a girl in the world that likes that douche. He's a pimp. Is he? Isn't he? A cold... Didn't he get her? He's gross. He's got her, right? That must be fun to make love to. Hey, he got her. He's cold. He's icy. How disgusting. You thought about making love to him? She did. Why are you thinking about making love to Edward? Yeah, that seems weird. Why is that your criteria, Mike? Which one would I rather make love to? It's just my criteria. That's a strange take. Do you watch it, Nicole? Do you watch Twilight? Team Jacob or Team Edward? Jacob. Dude is a good friend and a lover. He's an idiot. He's a stupid, fuel-efficient Volvo. Get out of here. Edward's cool. It's a stupid car. He gets it. As soon as Taylor Lautner cut his hair as an actor, I was like, pfft, man. We're so dumb. Oh, yeah. Well, dude, and you've heard me say, Taylor Lautner to me, I don't get that either. I say he looks like the mustard kid in the block. No way. Kid running around the cul-de-sac with mustard all over his mouth.
You're like, yeah, look at the Lautner kids running around with mustard in his mouth. Again. Again. I'll wipe it off. Yeah. He's got, like, sour milk breath. Oh, yeah, real good. Sour milk. Don't be jealous of his six-pack. I know. I like Edward. He's a cool guy. He's not, dude. He's the douchiest dude. Hey, the first one, when he stops that van with his hand, it's pretty badass. Listen to you guys. Yeah. What is wrong with you? Hey, listen, we're married. It's over for us. You guys are fighting about Team Edward and Team Jacob. What am I supposed to do? Two grown men. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to worry about the way that I look at this point? I'm 41 fat. I've got a wife. I'm married. Yeah, married. You know? Just pretend to have some dignity. I look like Edward because I'm like pasty white. And I just don't care. You don't look like Edward. No, my complexion. My complexion. I know. I'm better looking than Edward. Are you? Yeah. This was Mike. Let me ask. M1 Diet Cokehead. From Kearney Mesa. Representing Team Edward. Yeah, that a girl. Let's talk. Okay. Let's talk. Why would anybody want to do it with a corpse? That's disgusting. Stamina. It's disgusting. Stamina. Got to sleep. You know what that tells me about? It's not even about that. It's not even about that. Oh, isn't it? Let her tell you why. Everybody wants an Edward. Everybody wants to be loved like that.
And I don't care how, like, bitter me, party of one, you are. Deep in your soul, you want to be loved like Edward loves Bella. And in the books, it's so much better in the books. I don't. So much better in the books. So much better in the books. Listen. I mean, I would want a Jacob, too, because, I mean, hello. Yeah. But, and seriously, he's not the mustard boy. He smells like mint and the little baby. Does he? Yeah. Does he? He smells like farts. Farts. Yeah. He smells like he's been riding in his VW all day farting. Butter cupping. Yeah, butter cupping. And he got it out of the car, and you can smell it on his jeans. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's all over his jeans. It wafts behind him. He shuts the door. And you're like, did you fart? And he's like, yeah, three hours ago. Oh, man. No. Why would anybody, like, every time she would kiss. The dead guy? I'd be like, gross, freaking tongue all cold. So bestiality's okay, but necrophilia's not, right? Oh, because he's a wolf the other day? But you don't even think about that because it's not... How do you not think about that? He's dead. It's gross. She wants it. She wants to be a vampire. She wants a dead, gross...
Eternal love. He's the undead. He's the undead. He's got 109 years of pent-up love. I said this to my wife, too. I go, listen. Everything bad in those stupid movies came from Edward. Anything bad that ever happened stemmed from Edward. It all stemmed from Edward. Trace it back. All roads lead to Edward. Mr. Sparkly. fault. He didn't want to fall in love. He didn't ask for this. He didn't need to meet her. Hey, want to know what else skeeved me out, Diet Cokehead? Is his skeevy friends that looked at her like she was a pork chop. Every time she walked in the room, they're like... That's what happens in real life. That's how we always feel. That's me and Jay. To you. There's an underlining pork product to every guy. That's a true statement. Pork. How about that redhead, though? She was cute. Oh, yeah. Weird. She's a crazy psycho bee that wanted to kill Bella. We like her, though. We like that in our women. Okay, here's the thing.
By the way, we're a show focused on men between 18 and 34 years old. Listen, all I can do is tell you who I am. I'm a married man that, to love my wife, watched the Twilight movies with her. And you fell in love with them. I think you like Jacob because he's a little bit closer to being Mexican than the dead guy. That's what I said, yeah. I liked him because... He wasn't dead. I liked him. He's shorter, too. Yeah. Up your alley. I liked him because if he impregnated her, the baby wouldn't want to leap out of her belly with fangs. Wouldn't it? Doesn't a werewolf have fangs? You watched the fourth movie, correct? Yes. At the theater. At the theater. Me, too. Did you not hear when... The baby told... You've got to be careful. You don't want to spoil it. I haven't seen it yet. Okay. I haven't seen it. Don't say. The baby loves its mother. Yes. It's disgusting. And seriously, it's all about... It's the romanticism.
It's fiction. It's fiction. It's fantasy. Thank you for coming. Every girl wants to be loved like Edward loved Bella. That's right. Every girl wants a guy who's going to protect her, who's going to put her on a pedestal, and who's going to tell her how amazing she is. Take notes, boys. How beautiful she is. I thought women wanted to be equal. You want to hear it. Yeah. Women want to be equal. Pedestal bit. I learned a lot about chicks from watching that. You will. You know why? Because a woman wrote it, and she obviously... knew what would strike a chord with ladies. And I told her, I said, listen, I said to my wife, I go, if a guy wrote this movie, she'd have ended up with Jacob. And she goes, why? She said, why? I said, because. The reason she'd end up with Jacob is because nobody wants the guy, no guy ever wants the underdog to lose. But a woman, she will go, oh, it'll be the guy that does the most, says the most, does, you know. Well, duh. It's all about emotion. She's a user. What's he sniffing? Yeah, she's an emotional vampire. She's an emotional vampire. What is Jacob doing sniffing around, though? It's time for you to get. Stop sniffing around. Somebody's garbage, pal. All right? Hey. Somebody's garbage. He's known there his whole life, bro. Yeah. Big deal. No, he hasn't. No, he hasn't. He met her when she moved to Forks. I thought he met her when- She met Edward first. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. Yes. What's that guy doing? I thought you didn't like that weasel dude that sniffs around with somebody else. Yeah. He started sniffing around, and she shouldn't have humored him in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. She's- Oh, we're-
friends. We're friends. I accidentally kiss. You got me there. I can't get around that. Jacob's a creep. Thanks for the call, Diet Cokehead. Love you guys. He didn't have any boundaries. Thank God you see something he wants and goes and gets it. My wife goes, you should like the fact that he wants to wait until he gets married to have sex with her. He does. I go, big whoop. It's like Chris Rock says. That's what you're supposed to do. You want a brownie button? Well, you were so fixated on their sex life. Yeah. I think that that would be a nice telling one. Well, on who, which dude to make sex to. Yeah. What it would feel like to make sex to the guy. Yeah, he'd be cold. Yeah, you want the warm. I go, yeah, look at that. She's making out with him again. I don't know what it's like to make out with a T-bone steak right out of the refrigerator. You've wondered that a few times. You monster. Fair enough. Minus the wondering. Yeah, you know. You know. Captain A1 sauce. You know what it's like to make out with a T-bone, Mike. Don't pretend you don't. Come here, T-bone. You get over here, T-bone. You violated a T-bone. Oh, yeah. It's midnight. You just called the bone. Ain't nobody away. I ain't even going to cook you. I'm just going to eat you out of the package. I'm just going to kiss you. Oh, look, Mom. No hands.
Speaking of vampire, you guys hear about this new vampire facelift? No. It's disgusting. It's so filthy. It's so filthy, disgusting. Listen to this. It's not a human being. Say it out loud. Say it. Vampire. From Twilight to True Blood. Hollywood has us thirsting for beautiful bloodsuckers. They live forever, but never age a day. How long have you been 17? It's a state of being the beauty industry may be one step closer to capturing. Using my own blood seems like a really neat idea. You heard right. Wendy Wishart is excited about having her blood drawn so it can be re-injected into her face in a procedure dubbed the vampire facelift. Normal. So come on, have a seat. But unlike going under the knife, you go under the needle.
No surgery and you're done in an hour. Our patient here, Wendy, has some... By the way, this Asian guy, this Asian guy has a fur in its smile. Yeah. And he's got lips that look like they were stung by bees. Yeah. And he's like, you gotta see the video of it. He's an actual vampire. He's in a suit. He's in a weird suit. Noticeable. depressions and lines across her cheeks. Dr. Larry Fan is one of a handful of doctors across the country offering the treatment. The holy grail of our field is actually being able to replace or regenerate the body's own cells, tissues, or organs. You may feel a little pinch here, okay? That's the creepiest words a human being can hear. You're going to feel just a little stick, a little pressure. No, I'm not. I'm going to feel a needle. Yeah. Don't say that. Yeah, but it is. You might feel a little stick here. Oh, don't say that. Say something about lollipops or something, man. Okay, hey, what's your name? USOB. Taylor. USOB. What do you want for Christmas this year? What? Be honest. It's open season. I wish I had controls over there. Is that a fact? That's a fact.
Maybe I blog your poem tonight. Yeah, there you go. Maybe on my blog, MikeyShow.com. Termin already put it up. Oh, yeah, he did. Our friend Eric Termin. Peanut. Peanut. 5701949. What is the parody you did, Jay? It's just a little special thing I did for you guys. It's just a little special thing I did for you guys. Mikey Show Records. That's what he's named it. Give a listen. New from Mikey Show Records, 22 explosive hits. Mikey's big hit, Big Mouth. I got a big mouth. Is it big enough to eat a whole turkey? I've got to make a decision. Babe, can you bring me a bowl of gravy? Look at me. I love me. See, I remember we were eating. Eating in a wood car. Eating so fast felt like I was drunk. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
I had a feeling that we belong. I had a feeling that I belong. Can't forget L.O.B.'s smack in black. I'm L.O.B. I like my men black. Everyone knows I've got a small rack. I make it up with my caboose. If a mom hears it, she'll know that I'm loose. And I'm back into black. I'm the back. Oh, God. That's a faggot in line. Two at a time. Oh, my God. Seriously, I'm into black. Oh, my stomach. Okay. And Wood sings his hit song, F-A-T. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I got fat in my tummy and I think I have to poo.
I need something sweet that is good to eat, cause that's all that I wanna do. NJ's number one hit song, Welcome to the Jangle. You know who you are? You're in the jangle, baby. Mikey Show Records, 22 original hits. Be sure to get your LP for $6.99 or your tape for $5.99. That's real. I wasn't expecting that. That's a real thing. My alarm's going to go off any second. That's why he was so MIA this morning. That's one of the creepiest, weirdest, funny, weird, over the line. Over the line. That was at eighth grade. First of all, if you had to categorize the humor, eighth grade. Sixth grade. Big player in sixth grade. Huge. Right up my alley. Imagine that you gave a sixth grader.
The use of a recording studio. Yes. And you're welcome. I'm floored. I want to hear it again. I'm floored. What was the song that was for me? I'm not familiar with that song. Yummy Yummy Yummy. I got love in my tummy. Yummy. Yeah, it's from like 1921. Yummy Yummy Yummy Yummy Yummy I got love in my tummy. YouTube apparently. YouTube. YouTube sings it. I said you do. I'm going to play that again. Oh, you have to. I think that people are going to like this. The Mikey Show. It's a good time, you know what I mean? Call 570-1949 or text 949mikey at gmail.com. More of The Mikey Show coming up in minutes on FM 94.9. Routines may be a little boring, but when it comes to your vehicle, wouldn't you rather avoid surprises? Routine maintenance will help you keep your car or truck running right.
To extend the life of your vehicle, change the oil and filter every 3,000 miles. Flush and fill your antifreeze every two years. Change your shocks every 50,000 miles. And check your battery and fluid levels every month. Your nearby O'Reilly Auto Parts store has the name brands, low prices, and helpful people to provide just what you need. If it's time to top off or flush and refill your cooling system, stop by your local O'Reilly Auto Parts store for Peak Long Life pre-mix antifreeze, $8.99 a gallon. It's pre-diluted for convenience, so there's no need to add water. Protect your engine with Peak Long Life. premix antifreeze for $8.99 a gallon at O'Reilly Auto Parts, the official auto parts store of NASCAR. Better parts, better prices every day. Limit supply. See store for details. Welcome to REI. Can I help you? I'll be doing some trail running this winter and I'll need a... REI Air Flight Quarter Zip Hoodie. Definitely. And some... Smartwell Cozy Gloves. Thank you. I am so unbelievably excited you don't even know. Garmin 4Runner with a heart monitor. You do know. We know what you need because we know what you love. Come to the REI Winter Sale Friday the 18th through the 28th and save up to 30% on select outdoor winter gear and clothing. REI. Find out. Visit REI in Chula Vista at Otay Ranch Town Center, Encinitas and San Diego, or shop REI.com. What's two plus two plus two? Four. Because at Denny's, for just $4, you get two fluffy buttermilk pancakes, two eggs cooked to order.
and two pieces of sizzling bacon or sausage. Yeah, we're open to new math. Start your day with a $4 everyday value slam from our 2468 value menu. Only at Denny's. America's Diner is always open. Prices and participation may vary. Your San Diego County mini dealers are offering some sweet deals right now. Lease the mini hardtop for just $199 a month or get 0.9% APR financing for up to 36 months on select 2012 mini models and no payments until 2012. And the bigger four-door mini Countryman offers a starting MSRP under $23,000. But honestly, the real deal is to head in for a test drive. Take the large and in-charge countrymen out for a spin, or put your motoring skills to the test in the hardtop. Visit mini-of-sdcounty.com to plan your Mini Cooper test drive. Some things should just be free, like your bags when you're traveling, airplane meals, and the debit card that comes with your checking account. Luckily, you can still get a free visa check card and fantastic checking with no hidden fees from Navy Federal Credit Union. And we think you should get other free stuff, like free checks, mobile banking, free web bill pay, free ATMs.
And you should be free of monthly debit card fees. Don't pay for what's free. Open your select checking account at NavyFederal.org. It's as easy as a walk in the park. And just as free. It's Nissan's most wonderful sale of the year. Through November 30th, get extra holiday bonus cash only during this special holiday sales event. Visit ChooseNissan.com or your local dealer. Anytime you're ready. Now back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. I like watching guns and blowing stuff up. All I want is a crisp, sweet apple. That's it. And you can't find it. I can't find it. Every time I bite into it, it goes, Lauren. I write bad reviews about them online. And Jay. She'll go on a girls trip and I'll go on like a surf trip or something. But if I have a choice, I would rather be together. Whoa, what am I hearing? Now. On FM 94.9. back in the studio working with their old producer, Howard Benson. That sounds good. Yeah, that sounds real good. Sounds like P.O.D., man. It does. Sure like to hear that Chargers song someday. Well, we play it after a victory. It's been six weeks.
Since we've played it. Six weeks. Plus, I think there was a bye week in there. Seven weeks. About seven weeks. Well, the way I look at it, it's one loss closer to getting a new regime. And that's kind of, once you're out of it, it's kind of what you have to almost root for. Higher draft pick, too. Draft pick. But there's always a bright side. Well, hey, man, look, we got Larry English instead of Clay Matthews, so that's good. That hurt. That's good. I mean, who wouldn't want Clay Matthews running around knocking guys' heads off? All right, here's a positive. Fire away. Ryan Matthews ran pretty hard yesterday. He did. He ran. He had a good day. He had about 137, I believe. So there you go. Silver lining. Antonio Gates caught a touchdown pass. There you go. Phillip Rivers on one drive was five for five for 90, like 91 yards. He was amazing. Yeah. One drive. Scoreboard, guys. Just bright siding it. Real good. We lost. Tebow got us. He got Tebowed. Yeah. Scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. Six in a row. Well, you know what? I mean, you can't win them all. You can't win them all. Unless you're the Packers. You can't win six in a row either. You just leave it at you can't win one right now. Yeah. Well, yeah, and you're right. If you're the Packers, I guess you can so far. I guess you can win them all. All. They choked. I know.
That's a good point. I mean, I can't argue with that. I did my job. Not really. Yeah, not really. You lost. Again. That's right, again. And this is where I really get upset. This guy is absolutely atrocious. They absolutely gagged. Yes. It's garbage. I know. It is more about them. than it is about the team. Okay, I get it. I get the point. I want people that want to win. Okay, I think we all do. So let's just leave it at that. Let's just not say anything. Cannot play with them. Cannot win with them. Yep. Cannot coach with them. Perfect. I would rather have H.R. Puffin stuff with Teddy Ruxpin as an assistant. Me too. Kids are like, who? It's Teddy Ruxpin. I don't know. I'm all out of those. All of those delicious apples. No more fiber. Perfect. Sorry, Woodsy. I was going to buy some at the store yesterday, and then I thought, well, Mike will bring me some. That's right. All done. Orchards all cleaned up, huh? It is. Hey, here's another pass at Jay's song. New from Mikey Show Records, 22 explosive hits. Mikey's big hit, Big Mouth. Clean.
I got a big mouth. Is it big enough to eat a whole turkey? I've got to make a decision. Babe, can you bring me a bowl of gravy? See, I remember we were eating. Eating in Wood's car. Eating so fast felt like I was drunk. French fry laid out before us. Wood's arms felt nice around my shoulder. Had a feeling that we belonged. I had a feeling that I belonged. Ooh, can't forget L.O.B.'s Back in Black. Uh-oh. I'm L.O.B. I like my men black. Everyone knows I've got a small rack. I make it up with my caboose. If a mom hears it, she'll know that I'm loose. Because I'm back into black from the back. L.O.B. That's a fact. Get in line. Two at a time. Oh, wow. Into black. A little over the line? First time into black. Okay. There's a line and then it's J. And Wood sings his hit song. F-A-T. Ah. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I got fat in my tummy. And I think I have to poo. It's identical words. A little ahead of the music. I need something sweet that is good to me. By a little, you mean a lot. Because that's all that I want to do.
And Jay's number one hit song, Welcome to the Django. You know who you are. You're the Django, baby. Mikey Show Records, 22 original hits. Be sure to get your LP for $6.99. You're taped for $5.99. You're welcome. He smoked a lot of marijuana this weekend, I think. A lot. 150%. A joint soaked in vodka. Vodka. Vodka. Pumpkin vodka. You have some pumpkin vodka? No, I did not. 570-1949 is our number, and guess what? M1SAP from Ramona, what was the word of the day? It was fire. That is correct. It was fiber. Four packet tickets to SeaWorld, my friend. Hang on the line. Thank you very much. There you go. So, LOB says, this weekend, she put on a pair of shorts. Oh.
Are they Maddie's? Yeah! It's open season, baby! It's open season! Sorry, Jay. One at a time, my friend. One at a time. Oh, my God. Are they Maddie's? I love my daughter. I love my daughter. LOB says she put on a pair of shorts that she's pictured herself wearing at about this time last year. I have a picture of it, yes. So there's a photograph of you at this exact time last year wearing these shorts. Yep, going on a hike at Cow's Mountain. She put them on and couldn't close them. What? Welcome to my world, kid. Welcome to my world. This giant butt. And she cried. Caboose. You cried. Yep. She cried. And I'm looking next to myself right now, and there's L.O.B. with a giant salad. That's right. Pen out of hand. I'm with you.
Out of control. I've gone up a full pant size since I started this job. I used to be a 34. I'm a 36. Really? Seriously? I haven't been a 36 since the second grade. I have a Dunlap now. It's called the Dunlap. It Dunlaps over your belt. And I've got that now. A spare tire. Built the shed over your tool? Yes. People do gain weight over the holidays, but they only put on about a pound. This is not from over the holidays. This is from over the Mikey show. Well, University of Oklahoma did a study and the bad news is that people do gain weight from late November to early January. The good news is that only about a pound is actually gained. Yes. I ate a pound of pecan pie this weekend. A pound. Is that your favorite? Yeah, it's up there. Pumpkin or pecan? Pecan. I didn't even have any pumpkin because we didn't have... Whipped cream. So I'm not going to eat it without whipped cream. That's disgusting. That would be disgusting. Yeah, it'd be better for you. Sex perverts. I prefer it. Prefer it. Without? Don't want that. You're insane. What do you do? You do Cool Whip or you do the can? No, Cool Whip's disgusting. I use the can. Ready Whip. I even pitched a minor fit at my house because we only had Cool Whip. Does it matter to you if the can is like chilled? Yeah, it's got to be chilled. It's got to be cold. It's got to be cold whipped cream.
I didn't have any pie. No? No. I had several. Clearly. I already said the joke, so I mean. What kind did you go for? Yes. All of it. Might be easier to say which ones he didn't go for. Which ones didn't you try? None. My mom made a coconut cake. Oh, God. It's so good. And my dad Hawkeyes it the whole time, so nobody else will get it. Jamie actually fell in love with it this trip. She's never tried it before. I was like, oh yeah, I want to go back and get some more. My dad was like, what are you doing? Who's getting my cake? Yeah. What Woods wrote in his recap made me laugh. It was about his dad. He said one of the things that he really enjoyed over the holidays with his dad was his dad pitching a fit about people that had drank half of the Coke or half of the bottled water. And he was finding them and your dad would find them.
a half-drink Coke, a half-drink bottle of water, and freak out. Let me start by saying my dad is awesome and I love him very much, but stuff like that makes him insane. We had 10 people staying at my parents' house, a couple little kids, my little cousins, and, you know, they're kids. They'd have a drink and then leave it and then go play. I would have a couple sips of water, leave it, and go play hoops with him. He would walk in and be like, And he'd say it to himself. It got to a point where he was saying it 20 times a day, and by the end, it was, another bottle of water. Let's find another effing bottle of water. Somebody just drank this Coke. I don't know how much Coke this is. He was losing his mind. That's a dad bit. It would drive me nuts, too. There was probably, no kidding, probably 30 half-drank Cokes, seven-ups, and bottle of waters on the counter or kitchen table at all times. I wouldn't even notice. And Mike, he'd walk by and pick it up and go, God, another one. There's another one. Oh, drive me nuts. I was rolling. Oh, it's infuriating to dads. It gets them so bad. And you know what the beauty of it is? They can't make sense of it. It just doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. It adds up to cost. This is their thought. Why would a freaking human being?
Take two sips and put it down. Who could abandon something they've started? Why would you ever abandon what you have started? It's so brilliant. It's just a Coke, Dad. It's just a Coke. Dad, it's just a Coke. I've abandoned my boy. The Mikey Show. Call him. 570-1949. Or text him. 949mikey at gmail.com. More coming up on FM 94.9. Only five days to go. The FM 94.9 Holiday Hootenanny. Presented by Coors Light. Join us this Saturday night for an epic evening of music. With my morning jacket. Wake it up. See you later.
Join us this Saturday night for an epic evening of music with FM 94.9. This fall, Warren Miller's Like There's No Tomorrow will bring you on a global tour of the perfect winter. Adjust your gear, take a deep breath, and shred, launch, spin, charge, like there's no tomorrow. Join Warren Miller cinematographer Tom Day as he shoots his first 800-inch California winter and captures incredible powder turns laid down in Squaw Valley by Johnny Mosley, J.T. Holmes, Michelle Parker, and more. India, Chile, New Zealand. Norway, it's all here. So get out there and buy tickets like there's no tomorrow because tickets are on sale now. Check warrenmiller.com for details.
FM 94.9 welcomes Warren Miller's Like There's No Tomorrow to the San Diego area this week with screenings in La Jolla, Carlsbad, and Encinitas. Ticket holders get buy one, get one free lift ticket offers to Heavenly and Mountain High and $25 off at Sports Chalet. Get your tickets at ticketfly.com, select Sports Chalet stores, and at theater box offices. Check warrenmiller.com for more information. This can be the best holiday season ever with 0% APR financing on the most awarded SUV ever, the Jeep Grand Cherokee. standard 290 horsepower, and more than 540 miles highway driving range. It's no holiday miracle. It's 0% financing at the Ram, Dodge, Chrysler, and Jeep Big Finish event. During the Big Finish event, lease the 2012 Grand Cherokee Laredo V6 4x2 for $309 a month for 36 months with $24.99 due at least signing for well-qualified lassees. Tax, title, and license extra. Get to your local Jeep dealer today.
Financing for well-qualified buyers through Ally Financial. Not all buyers will qualify. Based on awards vehicle segmentation. 16 city, 23 highway, EPA estimated MPG with 3.6 liter 4x4. Call 1-888-925-JEEP for lease details. Offer requires a dealer contribution at lease through Ally. Take retail delivery by 11-30-11. Ram, Dodge, Chrysler, and Jeep are registered trademarks of Chrysler Group, LLC. Channel 4, San Diego. Your home. for Aztecs football. Catch super sophomore Ronnie Hillman and record-setting quarterback Ryan Lindley as they set their sights on the Mountain West Championship. Don't miss a minute of live gridiron action as the Aztecs battle Fresno State, 5 p.m. Saturday on Channel 4 San Diego. Everything Aztecs, everything Chargers. The Saquon Casino postgame show, weeknights at 10 on Channel 4 San Diego. State up is a drag and a trial. When I bought my cheap insurance, should have known this day would come. Now I've had an accident and I'm feeling quite alone. Called them at least 20 times, but they won't pick up the phone. Without personal service, my policy's kind of worthless. Guess I should have stayed at State Farm. That's right. I didn't think it mattered because they're probably all the same.
Told myself, who needs top shelf? Now I'm questioning my mental health. Maybe they can take me back. I hope it's not too late to get to a better state. State Farm. Don't put yourself in a state you'll regret. Call 1-877-249-7993 today. Back to the Mikey Show with Mikey. When I used to be on the radio and my name was Michael Shannon. And I wore suspenders. Woods. Don't lie to me, dude. You lie to girls, okay? You don't lie to me. Lauren. Yellow means speed up. Yep. Yellow means hurry up and go. And Jay. So what if I like to surf every day? On FM 94.9. I must have not played something. Weird. Weird. Just be nice. And just support your friend. Blue Oyster Cult. What track? 11. No, I've turned it up to 11.
11. You've got to turn it up to 11. These go to 11. Well, I know, but why not just turn it up to 10 and make 10 louder? These go to 11. These go to 11. All right, here we go. I warn you that the story that I'm about to play you is going to gross some people out. But the truth of the matter is, it's a true story. It's happening, and... Some people are actually getting some real value out of their placenta. Your moms may have an innovative way to beat postpartum depression. There is a small but growing movement to make pills out of placentas. Moms can take the pills in the weeks after giving birth to fight the baby blues. Many women believe consuming the placenta is good for you, but it does remain a controversial practice.
After my second daughter, Blake, was born, I took the pills right away. Tamara got them back to me within 24 hours of her birth, and I started taking them immediately, and I had no baby blues. Doctors have concerns about how the placenta is handled after it's delivered. They say if you are interested in the pills, tell your doctor beforehand so risks of infection can be decreased. Oh, great. Come on, dude. Disgusting. I know a lady that does that for a living. Makes the pills? Yep. I know of one as well, and they also recommend freezing them, taking them during menopause. Also, maybe having your husband take them as well. That's disgusting. Just become one with the baby. Yeah, just mama, baby. I've heard of people cooking them right after they've had it. They've been cooking it up, mixing it with eggs and stuff. I've heard that. The video they show of how she makes the pills? I can't do it. Nope. She washes it all out. Gets the blood and fluid out, she says. Well, yeah, you have to. You have to. Puts it on this spinner thing and dries it out. It looks like... Salad spinner. Yeah. It looks like oregano. She has it all shriveled up. Yeah. And then she takes it in a grinder. It's not oregano. Like a coffee grinder? Yes. Oh, boy. And she gets into it like a food processor. Gets it down very fine and then puts it in the little capsule. That's so...
Disgusting. Isn't it? Isn't it? Natural. Why is it natural? Do you eat poop? Hey. What do you eat that comes out of your body? Animals do it. What do you eat that comes out of your body? Nothing. Yeah, exactly. That's why you shouldn't do it. But it's the birth of your baby. I mean, like horses lick it right off of there. They do it to clean. But they eat it. Well, not just that. You know, there's something else you're forgetting about it. That's a horse. An animal. It smells like horse. I am weak in the knees. Weak in the knees. I couldn't even watch my little nephew being changed this weekend. I almost threw up, so this is getting real good. Oh, hey, M1RudeDude is on the line from VISA. Your wife has tried this. Yeah, there's much, much worse things out there. People literally make shakes out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, placenta shakes. Yeah, placenta shakes. And we were looking on, we were in a birthing class and we were kind of talking about this issue. And we were passing around this picture of, there's actually websites of placenta recipes. Yeah, yeah. Well, you got to have a good recipe. The Southern Living Placenta Cookbook. Yes, the Southern Living. Rachel Ray talks about it. Placenta Parmesan. Placenta Parmesan. Stir fry. I'm done, I'm done. But with the pills, they just freeze dry them.
And it's in a capsule, so you never actually are in contact with it. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Oh, let's just grow up. Everybody grow up. All right, bring one in. Somebody bring one in. You'll eat it? You don't eat it, you swallow it. Fine, you'll swallow it. Like a pill. I don't have postpartum depression. I get regular. I just got numb. I just got numb. Maybe try Lexapro. You know? Instead of your placenta. Seriously. Oh, my God. You guys. Don't. Clowns. Doctors have no proof that it actually does anything. Right. That's the deal. It's people just guessing. Yeah, but that could be said about another thing. Hey, look. They're saying even if it's a placebo effect, just do it. There was a guy who used to play for the Cubs named Moise Salou who used to pee on his hands because he thought it toughened up his hands for hitting. Oh, my God. No doctor's ever proved that, and the guy's just, you know, doing his thing. Yeah. Just idiot. I'd rather. Just home-reving it up real good. I'd rather err on the side of not eating my own body parts. Yeah. Fair enough. Hello, B. Let's see. M1 Emily is on the line from Encinitas. Hi. Hey. Hey. I'm 37 weeks pregnant, and this is not something that I would ever even consider. I agree. But I know women who have actually turned the placenta into, like, a teddy bear.
You can Google it. They're called placenta bears. Placenta bears. Yeah. I just died. They're so the creepiest things I've ever seen. I'm not alive anymore. Yeah, that is the single most macabre. You know what? Leatherface just called in and said, that's disgusting. Oh, did you guys hear about the ladies that are making them in Halloween masks for their kids? That's always a good thing. Yeah, Ed Gein. Just called and said... No, no, no, no, no, no. Eye mask. Why not make an eye mask? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. We buried ours underneath the tree. We took it home from the hospital and buried it underneath the tree. Why? You know, it just always gives you a feeling of home and it's supposed to be... Doesn't your kid do that? Doesn't home do that? Doesn't your house key do that? Doesn't the welcome mat? We'd have done it from all of them. You're talking placenta? Yes. Doorbell? Doesn't your doorbell... Jay buried it. His wife's placenta under a tree in his backyard. Because he's a serial killer. Yeah. Some people do. And have you talked about the... Yeah. That's how we got here. You guys see my hat? Placenta. Placenta. Placenta hat. My brother gave it to me for my nephew. His lip gloss. Placenta. Placenta. I don't even think I saw my daughters. Thank God for that. My nephew.
plays for the Poway placentas. Yes. Sponsor. You're the sponsor of their team. Oh, boy. My mom said that when she was born, or no, when I was born in Guam, because my dad is in the service, she said that the Guamanian nurses asked if they could have the placenta because it was good for their hands. It's giant, too. Like a Goodyear blimp. Like a circus tent. Yeah, man. Yeah, that placenta must have been as big as a house. Like a yacht cover? Yeah. Imagine it, you know, like a car cover, but it's something that covers the yacht. You ever see them Hummer limos, Mike? It's what covers those. No. Mike, you ever see a love boat? It's like if a love boat came into dock and you had to put a cover over it to keep it. Never the same. You see this building? It's like what would cover it.
For a total dark night. Imagine this building was a dong and you had a need to put a condom on it. That's the size of your placenta. Your placenta. I didn't know what a placenta was when the Lightning Crashes song came out by Live. Oh, yeah. And I had to ask my mom. What's the line again? Her placenta falls. Her placenta falls to the floor. And in the video, it splashes. And I had to ask my mom before, what's a placenta? She said, where did you hear that? It's not a bad word. Yeah, but she's like, why are you asking me that? Where did you hear that filth? Oh, by the way, by the way, I almost forgot to tell this story. Jake saying holy S this weekend? No way. It wasn't from me. It was not from me. Guess why? Why? Because the movie Cars says, holy shoot. And when Jake said it. It came out as the other thing. Did you die? Why did you die? Dude, it was like. Oh, my God. It was like someone put the brakes on the car. Dude. Holy shoot. We were like, and it was me. It was me. It was me. It was me. It was my brother. It was my mother-in-law. It was Nita. Full house. Full house. No way.
And Steve, my brother, brought him a little remote control helicopter. And they were playing with it in the kitchen. And Jake was loving it. Oh, yeah. And he goes, holy. And we were like, like, it was just dead silent for a second. And I was in my office. And it was dead silent. Nobody reacted. And then about two seconds later, holy. He did it again. He did it again. And I went, and I came running out of the office, and my mother-in-law goes, don't overreact, don't overreact. And I wasn't going to, I just want to know, like, what's going on out there? Why didn't my son just say, holy yes? He's five years old. He's five. And so we were like, you know, we didn't want to, like, make two, it was sort of casual. Hey, bud.